0148 Female Led Relationships: Staying Kinky with Kids in the House

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This one is real talk about parenting, boundaries, and keeping your kink alive when your life is anything but quiet

So… you’re kinky and you have kids? Welcome to the club.

In this episode, I’m diving into something that every kink-positive parent wrestles with at some point:
"How do you stay connected to your identity—and your dominance—when the kids are home, the bedroom has no door, and your sex life feels like it’s on permanent hold?"

I pulled from a couple of excellent articles (linked below) and shared how I’ve navigated being a Domme, a mother, and a woman with a wild, creative, and very adult job. This one’s a little raw, a little funny, and hopefully a whole lot helpful.

What I Talk Through:

• My own challenges with maintaining a kinky dynamic in a house full of people
• The exact conversation I had with my daughter about setting boundaries and owning her pleasure
• How I balance sex positivity with age-appropriate parenting
• The time a toddler brought a butt plug into the living room 😳
• Creative ways to store toys when space (and privacy) are limited
• My thoughts on nudity, shame, and breaking generational trauma around body image
• Being honest (but not explicit) with your kids when they ask questions
• Using what’s in your kitchen drawer as your next spanking tool 🔪🥄💥

“Just because you had kids doesn’t mean your kink card expires. It just means you need a lockbox, a little creativity, and a hell of a lot of communication.”“We don’t need to tell our kids everything—but hiding from who we are? That’s where we lose ourselves.

Discussion Prompts:

• How do you navigate being kinky and being a parent?
• Have your kids ever stumbled on a toy or overheard something… spicy?
• What boundaries do you hold around your identity as a Dominant partner and a parent?

Come share your story in the Patreon community—because you're definitely not alone in this.

Articles Referenced:

Transcript

0:00

Let's look at people for people and not if they have a penis or a pussy. How about that? This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you're not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers, or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back. Episode 48, I believe. I'm not quite sure what today's episode is going to be like. We're going to kind of fly by the seat of our pants. I think we're going to talk about different things at home that you can implement for spanking. As well as if you don't choose to use things that you have at home, how you can keep them safe if you have kids in your home. It's going to be kind of a hodgepodge of things, I think. Anyway, stick around. Should be a fun ride. Let's address some housekeeping. Well, I shouldn't complain. I'm at camp by myself again because my ex decided not to take my youngest this weekend, which, whatever, he's at home with my subbie. And I am up here flying solo, doing massage, and now the podcast. So I can't really complain because it's been pretty quiet here the last couple days. Other than a hell of a storm that came through last night. Holy shit. Well, my subbie's been at home taking care of the youngest. He is also working on his first audiobook. That he will be submitting. I love that word. To Audible. It is an erotic book. And he said it is really, really good. So I'm excited to give it a listen. When I have more information about a title or anything, if any of you are interested in listening to it, I will get that information. I don't know how long Audible is taking to publish things. I know for a while there they were way, way behind. They were short-staffed and a lot of people were doing ACX Audible stuff. And it just took them a while to get things out. Enough of that rambling. Okay, last week we kind of talked about spanking and the benefits and things like that. Side note, I really tried to attack my email this week. So if you sent me an email and you did not get a response, send me an email again and say, I sent you an email on this day. Can you respond? First, I found two or three different articles on having a kinky lifestyle after you have had children or have children in the house. The first paragraph, so I found this article on Vice. It says how to stay kinky after you've had kids. And I like the first line. Just because you have kids doesn't mean kink is over. You may have to slow down for a minute, but you're not going to forget it. Sometimes all you need is a little inconspicuous black luggage to hide things. Having children changes your life, plain and simple. The newfound responsibility for caring for an infant will bleed into all aspects of your existence, from your career and social life to your home and personal life. It probably goes without saying that your sex life will be affected as your sleep schedule is affected during your first few years of parenting. As they grow older, you'll hopefully regain some semblance of your former lifestyle. But what if aspects of your identity are at odds with what people tend to consider a child-friendly environment? For a parent to embrace kink and consider BDSM a core aspect of their identity and sexuality, how far should you go, if at all, to hide your adult interests from your mini-yous? Now, I know we've had this discussion or I've done an episode on a discussion that I had with my daughter, because I don't remember if she heard me call my husband my subbie or what it was, but she kind of asked a few questions. I answered as best I could without getting really in detail. Obviously, I don't want her to know his penis is in a cage. That seems a bit much for even an 18-year-old. And who wants to know that about their parents? However, I will say that my relationship with my daughter is fantastic in that if she has questions about sex or, well, for example, we just had a conversation the other day about her being okay with doing only what she wants. For example, say she's doing something with a guy and she feels bad because he doesn't get to finish. And I told her, listen, he doesn't have to. You're in charge. You're the one doing things to him. If you decide to stop, you decide to stop. Now, that's just an example. But I want her to understand that she is in control of the situation. And if she is ready to stop, whatever the case may be, then stop. I want her to be very good at setting boundaries for herself and knowing when she doesn't want to do something anymore that it's okay to say, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm done. And listen, if the guy gets blue balls, sorry about your luck. That's just how it goes. Like, I understand that sucks for guys, but anyway, I like the discussions that I've had with her, and it makes me happy to know that she is comfortable to come to me to ask me questions. Obviously, we're not talking about kink things. This is pretty vanilla sex things that she's asking me, and I'm not 100% sure that she's sexually active. We have had the discussion. We have taken precautions. She's prepared. I believe she's had sex in the past with one person, but I don't know where she's at right now with it. I just let her ask the questions, and if she wants to tell me more, then she can tell me more. So also, as a part of this article, it says sex toys are for consenting adults, and oh, consenting adults. That doesn't need to be around kids, kinky stuff or non-kinky stuff. It doesn't matter, says New York City-based kink-friendly therapist. And I cannot pronounce her name, so if you want to see what it is, you'll have to read the article. Parents who embrace sex-positive kinky relationships may create a more open and healthy environment for children to grow up in. BDSM requires a certain level of openness and honesty, and practicing that behavior could even help parents teach their children about the importance of topics such as consent or keeping an open mind to non-normative taste and not being ashamed of what you're into. Not that kids need to be privy to the specifics of what you're negotiating or consenting to, but the kind of relationship that kinky parents might have could be a good model of communication and setting boundaries, says the same therapist. I think that's very true. I think that my kids feel much more comfortable asking me things than I would have ever felt asking my mom or my dad. Well, I would never ask my dad, but asking my mom. I do think that my children witness how my husband treats me. They maybe don't understand that it's part of the relationship dynamic that we have, but they see how I'm treated and how he does everything he can to support me, encourage me, make my life easier. And for my daughter especially, I hope that she learns that she deserves that. Whether it's an FLR or not, she deserves a man who will fall all over himself to make her life a little bit easier and make her happy, whether it's a lifestyle dynamic or just a plain vanilla relationship, which I hate the word vanilla. And I think this also applies to more than just BDSM relationships. I think that's just the topic of this article specifically, but I think it applies to all kink relationships. You know, your kids are always watching whether you realize it or not. And sometimes I forget, and my youngest is like a fucking sponge. He takes everything in. So the type of relationship or just the openness in how you communicate with your spouse, I think the kids pick up on that, and then that's what they look for in a relationship. And communication is always a good thing in a relationship. So this author, the reporter, whoever did this article, spoke to several people. I'm not going to read through all of them, but this first person is James from Wisconsin, 31 years old. He has two kids aged two and seven months old. They ask him to tell them a little bit about himself and his sexuality and things like that. He says, I identify as straight, but truthfully, I'm heteroflexible. I like people who are feminine with little regard to what genitals they have. I'm a dominant male with some sadistic undertones, but I spend 99 percent of my time as just a vanilla dad and husband, which with kids that young, I totally get that. I do like his comment about enjoying interacting with people who have little regard for what genitals they have. I think there is so much stigma attached to everything gender-related lately, and everybody is so on edge or whatever. Like, could we just take away your sexual body parts and, like, look at the person for a human being? I don't know. Just my opinion. I say that a lot. Just my opinion. Let's look at people for people and not if they have a penis or a pussy. How about that? So their two-year-old found a butt plug of his mom's, and they had a vanilla friend over, and the two-year-old brought the butt plug out and showed the friend, which it goes on later to say that the friend was maybe interested in giving the butt plug a try. Not specifically that one, but something maybe they wanted to try in their relationship. But the way they handled it is they just said, you know, that's mommy's toy, and the toddler gave it right back, and no more thought to it. He also goes on to talk about, you know, they participate in some BDSM play where maybe it leaves marks on the mom's body, and he does mention in here, too, that they walk around naked a lot in front of their kids. And he does say that they intend to not do that as much when the kids get into school but sometimes the toddler will see marks on the mom's body from different play scenes or whatever and just say, the wife says, mommy's owie, and they move on from it. I'm curious, though, on what people's thoughts are about being nude in front of your kids. I don't have a preference one way or—I mean, obviously, I go to a clothing optional campground, and my two older kids know that that's where I'm at. But I would be curious. I was never naked around my kids. I think when they were babies, I maybe took showers with them or, you know, held them while I took a shower or whatever, but I think that I was so pre-programmed from growing up that, like, being naked is bad. There's so much attached to the human body and how somebody looks and so much judgment. Like, imagine what the world would be if we could all just see people for people and not what they look like. Like, personality, just human characteristics. I don't know. I think being naked around your kids when they're young like that can kind of make them see that it's not necessarily bad. Like, my 18-year-old daughter, for the longest time, was changing in her damn closet in her bedroom with the door closed. So, like, her room was empty, and she would still change inside of her closet that had a door. She was real uncomfortable being naked, and I don't know if that was because she was uncomfortable with her body. If something happened, she's never told me that anything happened. I think she would if something had, but she has really come around. I mean, now she walks around the house in a sports bra and whatever. I mean, she's much more comfortable in her own skin, so maybe that's just her growing up a little bit. Maybe it has something to do with me going to a clothing-optional campground, and, you know, she will ask me if I get naked. I just tell her I get topless, but I like that she's more comfortable in her own skin and is kind of coming out of her shell. She should be proud of herself and her body, and she should love it. You only get one. Take care of it. I shouldn't practice what I preach. There is another person that they interview from Texas, 45 years old. 13, 16, 19, and 21 are their kids' age. One of the questions was, do you have to worry about keeping sex toys hidden from your kids? Now, these are older kids, so this is interesting. We are into spanking, but with belts and stuff that is part of our household, which is another topic I want to touch on. Different household items you can use to spank your submissive, or maybe you want your submissive to spank you, whatever your dynamic is. She says, I don't wear a collar, never have. I have hair down to my waist. My husband doesn't need a leash. My hair is my leash. I have a toy chest that's filled with silk restraints, blindfolds, candles, and other BDSM toys. Our kids have always been aware for a long time that mom and dad have a sex life. I always wanted my kids to see a good physical relationship. That's something we don't hide from our children. You get a sense they are slightly embarrassed, but like it too. You have families who are in crisis, and to my kids, I'm like, this is for you too, so you can see everything is OK. I think our openness with our children really developed from that. I'm the crazy mom that goes out and buys my 16-year-old condoms, cock rings, and lube. If they're going to explore this, I want them to do it safely with some foresight to what they're doing. I think that's fantastic. It makes me a little cringy because I think the pre-programming comes into play again. Like part of my mind goes, that's not OK. But why isn't that OK? What makes that not OK if you're educating your children so that they can be safe in the things that they're doing? What happens if they go ask a friend and that friend doesn't know what the fuck they're doing and somebody gets hurt? Like there was an article, I don't remember which one of these it was, but they had a choking kink. And I mean, that can be really dangerous. And I really don't feel like kids under 18 should really be doing any type of kink like that. But kids that are under 18 are doing things they shouldn't be doing all the time. And I just feel like having an educated person doing things like that is probably better than just saying, oh, go ask your friend or watch a YouTube video. I think the more educated the younger generation can be about different kinks. And who knows, what's that going to be like in the future with parents or people in general just being more open about their kinks and what they're into and there being more discussions about it? Will this be more normalized? I mean, that would be really fucking nice. I mean, it's not like you have to see TV commercials for strap-ons, but it would just be nice if there was a lot less kink shaming and people could just let people be what they want to be. This is Chris from New Jersey, 35 years old, two kids, 3 and 19 months. One of the questions was, what's your at-home kink setup like? And it says, we live in a 3-4 Victorian house. At the moment, all of our kink activities occur in our bedroom. We have a large plastic footlocker in our bedroom closet that we keep all of our toys in. I recently got over $200 in electrical E-STEM equipment, which has been a joy. I finally got an actual gag after all this time because I'm very noisy. I picked up a new hood and a pair of latex briefs with a built-in anal plug, a spreader bar, and a couple different whips. So that would be another point of interest. Like, we don't have a bedroom door. If you've listened to any of my podcasts, we're kind of in our family room because we have as many people crammed in our house as we possibly can. And we actually use a toolbox that has a padlock on it that we store under our bed. And we have a pretty big selection of things at our camper as well because I know they're safe here. There's no kids here. But we keep ours locked in a toolbox underneath our bed, or sometimes it goes in our closet. I don't know that really matters where it's placed, but there's no way for the kids to get into it unless they got a bolt cutter of some sort. Obviously, we would know they were in, and we would have a discussion. But I would be curious what if there's anybody out there listening that has kids, where do you store your toys? Or how do you store your toys? Or do your kids just stay the hell out of your room? And if they do, what the fuck is that like? Oh, this question is from the same person. Would you be open with them about your kinks if the kids asked? And the response was, Jesus, they're three and one and a half. In another 10 years, I'm going to have to have a conversation with them that's a little more serious. I hope to be as honest as I can without providing specific details. OK, so that article is from Vice. I will put that in my show notes. There was another article that I found from medium.com. Do your kids need to know about your kink lifestyle? This one's interesting because the author of this article, her daughter found her on, I don't know if her daughter found her on Fat Life, but they had a discussion. So as the conversation happened easily and naturally enough, my adult child told me that they were on this kink site called Fat Life as they had an interest in kink. Oh, shit, I thought. I knew this would happen one day. If I had found my way onto Fat Life, why wouldn't I think my child would not do that as well? I told her that I knew about the site and that I was an active member. Not only am I an active member, but I'm fairly visible. I've had people recognize me for my presence a couple of times already. If I didn't tell her myself, she could find out on her own. I'm not ashamed of my activity there. I started writing about sex on the site and have cultivated a good-sized following. I have taken and posted erotic self-portraits, and I have thoroughly enjoyed doing so, especially since it has enabled me to have a better body image. I have made some invaluable friends, and I have learned quite a lot. I have no reason to feel ashamed. I'm a sexual woman who also happens to be a parent. I really like that because I think it's a hard bridge for people to cross over. Once they've had kids, they feel like, just like the other article said, like, you can't be kinky because you have kids. That's not acceptable. Why the fuck not? How do you think the kids got here? I'm sure you were having some kinky sex. Didn't you? That's what I mean by normalizing this. Like, obviously, I'm not going to sit down with my 12-year-old and tell him that I put my husband's dick in a cage. I mean, you have to have your boundaries. And listen, I'm not here to tell you how to parent your kids either. So you do what's best for you. I'll do what I think is best for me. Parenting doesn't come with a fucking handbook. And God, some days I wish it did, because holy shit. I think you have to do what's best. Nobody knows your kid better than you. So you decide what's best for your kid. I would choose not to tell my child about the male chastity part of it and tell me if he's older. And even then, I don't know, I keep repeating that because I'm really on the fence. But my kids know what I do for work. My youngest just knows I do voiceover. My older two know I do erotic voiceover. I have had discussions with my oldest about if he finds me on TikTok, he probably does not want to watch what he sees on TikTok. He should probably just keep on scrolling. My ex-husband likes to grill my daughter about whether I'm a swinger or not, which is none of his business. But my daughter said to me the other day, she's like, doesn't it kind of gross you out that people are jerking off to your voice? Fuck no. First of all, I think it's hot. Second of all, I'm making somebody happy. Even if it's just for a minute, maybe they've had a real shit week, month, whatever, and they order this voiceover from me and it brings them just that little bit of joy. I like to help people. I like to make people happy. It's a win. I think just like the lifestyle things, it's all about changing your perspective on how you look at things. I'm not ashamed of what I do at all. And that has been a road for me because in the beginning, I was kind of shy about it and I didn't want to say much. Fuck that. Now I own it. And I say this all the time, but I have lost some friends because of this. If you didn't like, if you liked me before you found out what I did or what I'm doing now for work or whatever the case may be, but now all of a sudden you don't like me, that's your loss. I'm not a different person. I'm the same person I've always been. I just do something different for work. And it's not even really like work. Like, I fucking love doing voiceovers. I love being in that booth and recording, whether it's erotic or non-erotic. Maybe I'm conceited and like the sound of my own voice. Whatever it is, I enjoy it. So the other interesting part of this article that I liked was laying the groundwork for a sex-positive home. My attitude towards the information that I impart to my children is shaped by an awareness of their age and their individual maturity. I also construct my answers to their questions on a need-to-know basis. It is a fairly wide-ranging and flexible policy. Nevertheless, over the years, I have found that it has provided me with immeasurable and helpful guidance. When my eight-year-old son asked me what sex was, I gave him the basics. Penis goes in the vagina. If the sperm fertilizes the egg, then a baby can be conceived. After seeing a condom commercial, the same son asked what they were. I discussed birth control and sexually transmitted infections. We discussed HIV and AIDS, and it had recently been World AIDS Day, and his school discussed it vaguely. My daughter was about nine when she asked me what a period was. I explained. A few questions later, I was telling her about sex. She asked me, so does that mean you and dad? I nodded my head, and she laughed. I never really had these discussions with my mom when I was younger. When I got my period, I was scared shitless. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I don't ever want my kid to feel that way. That I said, I want my daughter to have all my kids to have the information about sex. Fuck, when I got my period, I didn't know what the fuck was going on. I was scared shitless. I was 10. Nobody ever had those talks with me. I would rather have my kids informed and understand and ask me rather than their friends. It's important for kids to understand that parents are sexual beings too. Kids are coming into their sexuality at whatever age. Every kid is different. But for kids to think that their parents don't have sex is ridiculous. And this is something I need to get over too, because I have a hard time when we do have sex, having sex because I'm so worried that the kids are going to walk in. Well, I don't have a bedroom door. And you, I mean, listen, this is what adults do. And if you decide to walk in my room after bedtime and you see something you don't want to, I'm real sorry. But this is my house, and I'm an adult, and this is acceptable activity for adults. Anyway, there is a whole other article as well as how to stay kinky after having kids. And I'll just kind of run through. This is from, I don't know, I'll have to, I'll try and link it in my show notes. It was posted in 2017. So, I mean, I'm sure there's probably an updated article. But one of the things you can do is take threesomes elsewhere. You can ask the person that's the third or whatever that's participating, ask if they can host. Soundproof your bedroom walls. And that can be as simple as just doing a DIY headboard or something. Put your room and your kids' room as far apart as possible. I don't have that option, but for some people, you can put them on the other end of the house. Try an office rendezvous. I don't have an office, and neither does my husband. It'd be his truck. And we've done that, but it's a little dirty. Worth it, though. Uh, use code words. This is fun. If you can come up with different code words to mean things that only you and your husband, wife, whatever, your partner know, that would be kind of funny. My daughter does that with one of her friends. They have, they've made up like their own little language. So they'll sit and talk to each other in that language. I can kind of understand it, but I don't understand all of it, which, fuck, I don't understand half the words she uses. I'm old. Teach your kids to accept who they are. If you and your partner are kinky, then you should accept it, because if you don't accept who you are, your kids will sense it, and they won't accept who they are. Keeping up your kinky sex life can be a good way to keep an open mind and keep the importance of self-acceptance on the forefront of your brain so you can teach it to your children. Fucking fantastic. I had to read that whole one because I think that's so important. Let's see what else is there. Play the stranger's game. Meet at a hotel lobby bar wearing disguises and pretend to be entirely new people meeting for the first time. Pack a suitcase of nothing but just your sex toys and get a room. This also gives your partner a much-needed one-on-one time after you've had kids. We've done that before. Not played the stranger game, but met at a hotel room. Don't feel pressured to answer every question your child has. If your child accidentally finds one of your sex toys, you can simply tell him, that's one of my private items, and take it away. He isn't entitled to every piece of information about your life. You already had the fact that the tooth fairy is fake, so why not tell a little lie about your anal beads? Keep food and sex food separate. And I saw this. I want to do an episode on food play, mainly because I'm curious on what people do with food during sex. I might be interested in that. I like food and I like sex. Use items you already have. So if you don't want to have toys around your house, this is where we're going to talk about the different things around your house that you can implement. It's going to be real fast, just at the end. Get into muffles and gags. I hate gags. Just a little PSA about me. They freak me out. I don't know why. I just do not like them. Play the don't make a sound game. If you like a challenge, you can forego the gags and play the don't make a sound game. You challenge each other to be as quiet as possible during sex. The whole thing takes on an air of secrecy that's really sexy. Noise proof your bed. And give your kids white noise machines. My youngest does have, it's like a Rainmaker sound thing in his room. Okay, I need to wrap this up. I had a discussion with the neighbors who fucking hopefully will be on the podcast next week. I have been assured that my youngest is going to be at his dad's next weekend. And I would really like my subbie to be on the episode with the neighbors. So that has been the issue is the last two to three weeks. I have been at camp by myself. And he isn't able to come up even just long enough to do the podcast. So next week, I'm hoping to have our neighbors on for real. But I was having a discussion with them this morning on their deaf was having a morning cigarette. And we were just talking about different items around the house that you could use for spanking implements. And one of the first things that came up was a frying pan. I would say be very careful. I mean, obviously, you're all adults, you know how to be safe. But fucking hell, a frying pan could do some damage, you would think. But belts, fly swatters, metal hangers, plastic hangers. What else were some of the things that they were saying? And I tried to look up an article for that. But my internet here is real shitty. And it was kind of a last minute thing. I'm trying to think of what else. A spatula or a wooden spoon. Spatula might work too. I would be willing to bet if you really take a look in your kitchen, you will find lots of implements that could be fun for spanking. I can't think of anything else off the top of my head. So I'm going to wrap this up now. And I'm really hoping that next week you will get to meet our fantastic neighbors. We are just going to bullshit about different things in the lifestyle. And I'm sure somehow it will come around to poop because it always does and I'm not sure how. But it's fun and they're funny and fantastic people. So I hope you stay tuned for that. I think it will be worth the wait. I hope everyone has a fantastic week in this crazy world we're living in. Stay safe. Be good human beings. And I'll say y'all. Love you all.