0207 Female Led Relationships: Topping From the Bottom: When a Sub Tries to Control the Domme

If you’re new to FLR or BDSM terminology, topping from the bottom happens when a submissive tries to control how the dominant leads. Sometimes it’s obvious disobedience. Other times it’s subtle — questioning instructions, micromanaging how something should be done, or trying to steer the dynamic toward what the submissive imagined instead of letting the dominant lead.

This topic actually made me reflect on the early days of my own relationship.

My subbie had previous experience with aspects of the lifestyle, and I didn’t. When we first started exploring a female-led relationship together, there were moments where he would “help” guide how I expressed dominance. At the time it didn’t seem like a big deal, but looking back I can see how easily that could have undermined confidence if we hadn’t talked openly about it.

And that’s really the heart of this episode.

Topping from the bottom often doesn’t come from disrespect. It can come from excitement, impatience, or even insecurity. A submissive might want the dynamic so badly that they try to steer it toward what they’ve imagined instead of allowing the dominant to develop her own style of leadership.

The problem is that this can unintentionally damage trust or confidence, especially in newer dynamics where both partners are still figuring things out.

We also talk about the difference between constructive communication and topping from the bottom. Giving feedback, discussing boundaries, and talking through scenes or dynamics is healthy. Safety communication, redirection during play, and honest conversation should always be encouraged. But constantly correcting or directing a dominant can erode the balance of power that makes the dynamic work in the first place.

At the end of the day, every FLR is different.

Some couples are strict. Some are collaborative. Some shift depending on the situation. The key isn’t perfection — it’s communication, trust, and respect for each partner’s role in the relationship.

If you’re navigating a female-led relationship or exploring dominance and submission dynamics, this conversation will help you understand why topping from the bottom happens and how couples

Transcript

0:11

Welcome back. Season two, episode seven. Today we are going to be talking about topping from the bottom, but first let's address some things. Only fans will be the place where you do need to order erotic audios. If you would like to order a custom erotic audio, I can hook you up there, but that's all I'm going to say about that. Okay, so I think that covers the housekeeping that my subbie wanted me to address. Okay, let's dive in to topping from the bottom. First of all, for anybody that doesn't know, because all of this verbiage when you're new to the lifestyle is a little fucking crazy. Topping from the bottom is a BDSM expression and occurs when a submissive actively tries to exert control over their dominant, could be disobedience or a dismissive attitude towards requests. I think that this happens a lot in newer female-led relationships where possibly the submissive has had previous experience in these lifestyles and is so excited to get this dynamic rolling that the submissive tends to forget the dominant is new to this and maybe steam rolls over things or gets overly excited and starts to try to assert some control to get what the submissive is looking for, if any of that made sense. Let me give you an example. So my subbie obviously has had experience in the past with the lifestyle dynamic, not chastity, a little bit of the dom-sub, a little bit of pegging prior to me, I think, I don't recall now, but that's not here nor there. And in the very beginning, I think he was extremely, extremely excited that I was willing to give this dynamic a try, it's something that he's always wanted. So when I look back now, I think of different times. Now this has a lot to do with my insecurity as well, but there would be times where I would assert my dominance and it was almost like I didn't do it the way he was expecting me to or the way he wanted me to, and he would gently correct me or more offer me guidance to assert myself or be dominant in the way that worked for him. Now I didn't say anything, I mean, it didn't go on for very long, it was in the very beginning and he recognized it himself and we discussed it, which again, communication is key for all of this. And I think for me, it's more of, because I'm a stubborn pig-headed Taurus, I'm going to dominate you the way that I fucking want to dominate you. And if it's not the way that was in your head or what you thought, sorry about your luck. Now, on the reverse side of that, obviously, if there's something that he is really not on board with or isn't enjoying, I'm not going to force him to do something he doesn't enjoy. You have to look at your boundaries. However, if I'm not crossing any boundaries, he's just not real happy with how I'm doing something, he'll get over it. Okay, let's talk about a couple, let's talk about some examples of topping from the bottom. Refusing to obey orders, I would say that's, I would almost say that's flat out disrespectful. If you are going to be in a dominant and submissive relationship, I mean, this could also be verging on a brat situation, but I don't know enough about that to speak on it, but I don't, if you actively want to participate in a dominant, submissive relationship, why would you disobey your dominant? Ignoring commands, questioning orders, that would be maybe more of what my subbie did in the beginning, like I would tell him to do something and he'd be like, are you sure you don't want me to do it this way? So it wasn't like he was questioning what I was telling him to do, he was questioning how I told him to do it, because I think he had one thing set in his mind of what he was thinking it would look like and how I actually did it was significantly different. Negotiating the scene after it has been agreed upon, trying to barter with the top, telling the top what to do, or intentionally making mistakes. I think in any female-led relationship, there are going to be days where, I mean, take the tapping from the bottom out, there's just going to be days where that dynamic just isn't in full swing. I mean, there's days where, especially when it comes to the work that I do, my subbie's like this, this, and this needs to be done and I do it, which is totally backwards for a female-led relationship, but that's our dynamic and I kind of just do what he tells me when it comes to a lot of the things that I do as far as my work, because that's his area of expertise and he knows what he's doing. I choose to give him that control, I choose to allow him to tell me what to do or what needs to be done and that's, I mean, that could still be me being the dominant and telling him what I need from him and giving him that control, which in the end, the power is still in my hand. I'm choosing if that's how you want to look at it. I think the way that I more look at it is that we are a team when it comes to our audio work, our video work, all of that, all of these small businesses that we are trying to build up around our audio and video work, we are a team. This is a joint venture and I guess it really depends on the day. I mean, some days I look at it like I'm telling him what to do and other days it's 50-50. I think intentionally, I guess for all my submissives out there that struggle with topping from the bottom or topping from the bottom can destroy a dynamic. If it is a new dynamic, okay, well, let's use my subbie and I as an example. It was an entirely new dynamic for me and had he approached this in a different way and been more aggressive with it on what he wanted from me or when he was topping from the bottom or say he just topped from the bottom more aggressively and said, no, you need to do it this way, you're doing it wrong and he would have ruined it. I would have been too insecure and I would have felt like every time I did something, I was doing it wrong. Now, if he was to try to do that to me now, I'm much more confident in my dominance. I have a much greater understanding of how these dynamics work, however, he would never do that, not intentionally anyway. It's to the point now where if he was to try to do it, I would probably call him out on it and be like, hey, listen, we're pretty in sync with things. When we're kind of stepping aside and just doing what needs to be done because there's a fire that needs to be put out or something is going on or whatever, where we go into a different mode and we just do what needs to be done to get done. We just do what needs to be done to get that task accomplished. However, should he try to top from the bottom or whatever, I would flat out tell him to fuck off pretty much because I know how our dynamic works and I have more confidence in my dominance and how I choose to dominate in my relationship. So anybody that's new out there working together, a couple working on evolving their female led relationship, I wouldn't recommend telling your partner to fuck off. I would say, like I always say, you need to sit down and have multiple conversations, check in. When you're starting this dynamic, I think it's very important to not say things like you're doing it wrong, that's not what I meant, or I guess I just am kind of assuming that people are like, well, female dominance are like me, that if there's somebody that has more experience with this and they're telling me I'm doing something wrong, that's really going to knock down my self-confidence, I think. I think you have to support your dominant, have open conversations. It's not that you did this wrong. It could be as simple as saying, this is how I saw it taking place, or in my opinion, it would be much more effective if you did it this way. And then the dominant has the choice to take your information and process it and glean what she wants from it. And ultimately, she has the decision at the end. Again, assuming this is a male, well, we're talking about female led relationships. So obviously it's a female and a male. But I think that applies to any relationship. If you're doing any type of lifestyle dynamic or any type of whatever, I mean, shit, and just in general, in life, when somebody does something that you don't necessarily think is right, it makes you look like an asshole if you just start like, oh, that's wrong, that's not right. There's more tactful ways to sit down and talk with somebody and say, what about this? Or I was thinking, well, especially in this dynamic again, what if we tried this? Or have an open discussion, but be respectful about it, be tactful about it. There's a way to discuss these things without coming off as a fucking know-it-all, which for me is a huge fucking turnoff. So surprisingly enough, Men's Health has an article, I'll put it in the show notes, it's called, if you're tapping from the bottom, you're doing BDSM wrong. And it breaks down, in the world of BDSM, the umbrella term that refers to bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. What does tapping from the bottom look like? Just a short snippet, tapping from the bottom is anything where the bottom is giving instructions to the top on what they are doing. For instance, if a female pro-dom, professional dominatrix, is pegging a client and the client is giving the dom instructions the entire time on how to do it, micromanaging the entire experience. Another example is when a submissive gives directions on how to be tied up after it was agreed upon that the other partner would be leading the scene. Sometimes it can be as simple as make sure you grab this before you do X, Y, Z. It can be as slight as a sub asking to be hit by a particular whip when the dominant has already selected a pre-approved impact toy. This seems to be obviously more play related or scene related, sex related. Looking back, I think I would have been more, I don't know that my subbie ever tapped from the bottom if we were playing or in a scene or however you want to, if we were fucking, whatever. He, it was generally just in the day to day things. Like, and I think, you know, I talk about this or I mentioned it, whatever. I think he was just so fucking excited to be in this dynamic with me. It was like, I think that my subbie was just so excited that he had found somebody that wanted to do this with him. And, you know, we were such a good fit anyway. The chemistry was there. I think he was just so excited. It was like almost the instant gratification, but I don't think he was looking for maybe necessarily instant gratification. He just was so excited to get head first into this relationship. And I think sometimes he forgot that I don't have any, I didn't have any experience with this. I didn't know what the fuck I was doing. Yeah, I might have been dominant most of my life, but I don't fucking know how to boss other people around that aren't my kids and they don't fucking listen to me anyway. What doesn't count as topping from the bottom? It's still OK for the submissive to give their partner feedback on what does and doesn't feel good. So if you're receiving impact and you are asking for things to be a little softer or harder, for instance, this is more collaboration than topping from the bottom. Redirection, safe words and anything that is for the safety of the submissive should never be seen as topping from the bottom, especially when you're new to BDSM and playing with an experienced top. You may not even know all the hard and soft limits you should cover in your pre-scene negotiations. I don't know if I read that right. But again, seems to be more sexually related or scene related in this article. But I think there are things that you can glean from the article that would be applicable to just your day to day. Topping does talk about, too, if topping from the bottom is bad, why might a submissive do it? Topping from the bottom sometimes happens if someone doesn't trust the dom and can't let go. That's interesting. So maybe that dynamic of my relationship with my subbie, he wasn't fully invested in his trust in me. And again, it simply could have been just the instant gratification. But I think when starting out these dynamics, first of all, don't ever say I need to convince my wife into doing this or I need to convince my husband into doing this. This is a conversation when you're starting out. OK, for instance, you're in this dynamic and the dominant, you feel like your husband or your subbie is topping from the bottom and you're not sure how to address it. Because listen, even though we're dominant, I can't speak for all. Even though I'm dominant, I still have my insecurities. I still have my days where I question every fucking thing I do, every fucking thing. And it's usually once a month, right before fucking shark week starts. My whole world crumbles down for like two days and then my uterus kicks in. We bleed and we bleed it all out. Sorry if that's TMI for anyone, joys of being a fucking woman. But just because we are dominant doesn't mean we are unbreakable or that we don't have feelings. I think that there is a big misconception from outsiders looking in on a female led relationship and think that the dominant is this big, heartless fucking bitch. Well, guess what? We're fucking not. We have a lot of responsibility on our shoulders, and I don't think anybody really thinks about it, just like the submissives don't get enough credit for everything they do and the amount of trust they put into their dominant. Dominants have a lot on their shoulders, too. They are in control of everything. Like depending on your dynamic, you are literally controlling everything. You could be controlling what your submissive wears every day. You could be controlling when he takes a shit, when he gets an erection, when he doesn't. I mean, I don't know the extremes of everybody's dynamic or what people do, but just because we're in control doesn't mean we don't have feelings, we don't feel pressure. All of these things. So going back again to when my subbie was kind of topping from the bottom, if that's what we would even label it, I appreciate I appreciated that he was genuinely trying to help. And that is kind of how he presented what he was saying. Maybe in the back of my mind, I also took it a little bit as like a knock at like I was doing something wrong, but we sat down and we talked about it and realized. He was just trying to offer me tips, and yes, he was excited and wanted to get to almost like it was a race race for the finish line. But what we've learned is there really isn't a finish line. Our relationship will continue to evolve until the day we die. It will continue to evolve and change as life change, as life changes, as circumstances change. I mean, stay tuned. What's it going to be like living in FLR in a fucking camper with a 12 year old? I mean, we'll figure it out. Probably won't be anything steamy, but. OK, back to OK. So trust is a big part of why there is topping from the bottom. And again, this is more this appears to be talking more about sex than just the general relationship. Your dom or your sub, I should say, the sub could also be a switch. And. I don't know, I think I could, God, I don't think I could be a submissive, but a lot of times the dom can be a switch and be submissive only for their submissive, if that makes any sense. But submitting to somebody takes in an enormous amount of trust. And I think that if a dom is a switch and is submissive, I would I guess I don't know, scratch all of that because I don't know what the fuck I'm trying to say. Anyway, just this last little bit, how can you stop topping from the bottom if you're struggling with it? The first key is to recognize you're doing it, which frankly shouldn't be that difficult. Your top will often chastise you if you're topping from the bottom. Then have a conversation with your partner about why it's hard to let go and ask for anything that would make you feel safer. Isolate the areas where you are unable to let go of control and add that to your pre scene negotiations. Some partners overlook details like trying to like tying up hair before putting a ball gag or hood on. I don't like either of those or not putting lubricant on a toy before insertion. Fucking ouch, bodily harm. So make a point to review not only which toys you like, but how much you want them used and what needs to be done for each toy to be pleasurable for you. It's interesting to me in the first place that Men's Health does these articles, but I think there are some valid points in here. Again, this is more talking about, I think, the sexual side of more BDSM even than it just a general dom sub. So just to kind of recap, topping from the bottom can be tricky. You should have open communication with your partner. Doms, if you feel like your sub is topping from the bottom, maybe sit down with a glass of wine, not encouraging alcohol, but sometimes it helps you relax and just have a talk because it can be a touchy subject if you're calling somebody out on something that you're not happy with. Nobody likes to feel like they're doing something wrong. Be tactful in your conversation or try to be respectful and, you know, things like, I understand you're not trying to do this, but this is how it's making me feel. Am I overreacting or is there something that I need to do differently so you don't feel the need to do these things? There's so many different ways to address it. Just have open communication because that is the key to a healthy relationship, female led or otherwise. Just make sure you keep open lines of communication and listen, if there is topping from the bottom and it's small things. I mean, if you discuss it and it's small things that don't bother you, I mean, it's your dynamic. If you want to allow that, I don't think it's bad as long as you realize it's coming from a place of, I don't know, if it's coming from a place of helpfulness. Like, like I said, I don't think my subbie was trying to tell me I was doing it wrong. He was just trying to help me navigate on my path of being a dominant. Everybody's dynamic is different. You have to figure out what works for you. As always, if anybody has questions about things, all of my contact info is in my show notes. This one's been a little rambly. Don't hesitate to reach out with questions. I'm always here and happy to chat. And again, if anybody is interested in the Patreon and having chats at once a week for 20, 30, 40 minutes, whatever for that third level tier, or if you just have questions and want to just chat. I hope everyone has a fantastic, fantastic, fantastic week. I hope that this episode helps answer some of the questions on the topping from the bottom. Next week, we are going to discuss subspace. And I have lots of learning to do to talk about that. Anyone has any suggestions about anything they'd like me to talk about? Hit me up. Otherwise, everyone have a fantastic week, be decent human beings. And I can't wait to chat with you all next week.