0208 Female Led Relationships: What Is Subspace? What Every Dominant Should Understand

In this episode I’m diving in with both feet to a topic that comes up often in BDSM and female-led relationship conversations — subspace.

If you’ve heard the term but aren’t exactly sure what it means, you’re not alone. Subspace is often described as a mental or emotional state that some submissives experience during intense scenes, physical play, or moments of deep surrender. It can feel euphoric, floaty, disconnected, or deeply relaxed depending on the person and the dynamic.

For couples exploring a female-led relationship or BDSM dynamics, understanding subspace is important because it can affect both partners. A submissive who drops into subspace may become less responsive, deeply relaxed, or emotionally vulnerable. That means the dominant partner carries responsibility not just for the scene itself, but also for what happens afterward.

This is where aftercare becomes essential.

Aftercare can include simple things like physical comfort, reassurance, conversation, or quiet time together while both partners reconnect emotionally. It helps the submissive return to their normal headspace safely and reinforces trust in the dynamic.

In this episode I talk through what subspace looks like, why it happens, and why communication and trust are so important when couples explore power exchange dynamics. Every relationship is different, and every dynamic evolves over time, but understanding concepts like subspace can help couples navigate those experiences more safely and intentionally.

Whether you're brand new to BDSM ideas or already living in a female-led relationship, this conversation will help you better understand what your partner may be experiencing and how to support each other when the intensity of a scene fades.

Transcript

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Oh well, enjoy either way. I like to provide good laughs here and there. This podcast is intended for mature audiences only. If you are not 18 years of age or older, there are thousands of other podcasts you can listen to and you can come back and visit us when you are 18. This podcast is meant solely for entertainment. We are not licensed doctors, lawyers or therapists. We simply have a fascination with the lifestyle and I'd love to share it with you and get your thoughts and opinions. Welcome back. Episode 9. And we are going to talk about a loot, sub drop, and top drop or dom drop today. Again, another topic I'm not overly familiar with, but let's learn together. But first, housekeeping. I don't really know that there's a whole lot going on right this second. Housekeeping is pretty plain Jane. So let's dive in. Let's talk about sub drop. Now, this seems to be somewhat of a controversial subject. I don't know a whole lot about it. As I said last week when we were talking about subspace, all of this is kind of new to me. And all of this is kind of new to me. So many people in the kink communities talk about sub drop or top drop as an exhaustion or refractory phase of an intense scene as the moment when all the endorphins and adrenaline are settled down again. I think this is open to interpretation. That's just the Google definition in case anybody was interested or didn't know. I found an article. Oh, what is this? Medium.com. Through the eye of the prism. I don't know. The website will be linked. So this article is called Experiencing Sub Drop. Emotionally volatile, physically tired. Yep, I'm definitely experiencing sub drop. What is sub drop? It's an emotional and physical low that begins anywhere from a few hours to a few days after an emotional slash endorphin high and can last hours to weeks. I found that interesting. I guess I didn't. I mean I had a general idea what sub drop was. I didn't know it could last weeks. That's interesting. The specific term sub drop comes from the kink community because it's typically experienced by submissive individuals after an intense scene. However, top drop is, from a biochemical perspective, the same thing only experienced by the person taking a dominant role in the scene. You don't have to be kinky to experience sub or top drop. You don't even have to be involved in a scene to experience it. I chose this article specifically for that sentence right there because the core value, one of the core values, or one of the core things that I would like to accomplish with my podcast is breaking shit down so that you can fucking understand it. I think sometimes people in the lifestyle really get in depth and you can't do this and you can't do that or you can only do this or you can only do that or whatever the case may be. I disagree. I mean, there are some things that you have to be staunch about like, you know, communication boundaries, consent, those things are set in stone. I get that. But I don't think that things have to be done a certain way because human beings are different. Everybody's different. What they enjoy, how they cope with emotional rushes or, you know, like the sub drop, everybody's going to need different aftercare. And I don't, I don't, I just thought this article was interesting because it kind of takes the sex out of it or the scene out of it. And she talks about, I'm not going to read it word for word, but she talks about how she had just started writing a few days ago at the time of writing this article or whatever. And she was super excited about it because she had been blocked for so long. So she spent like two days just writing and writing and scheduling posts to publish and all of the things. And she talks about how she put herself on an emotional high without even realizing it. So her over exuberance about not being stuck gave her a huge serotonin rush and all the little things she finished or learned gave her lots of dopamine hits just as her body was reacting to her mental and emotional state. She said she felt great. She would love to feel that way every day. It was energizing and that's why they call it a rush. I also like how she breaks down how all of this works. So I probably will read this mostly word for word, but she said, unfortunately, the human body is not, unfortunately, the human body is designed for steady state mediums, not peaks and dips. So when we experience a high naturally from emotion or induced by an activity or drug, the body can get overloaded. If you have too much of a particular hormone in your system, the receptors for those hormones get full. They're occupied and there can be extra hormone molecules floating around in your bloodstream just waiting for their turn to do their thing. This is why sub drop doesn't happen immediately. There's a time delay that is dependent on your body's metabolic rate for dopamine and serotonin as well as how much of those hormones you produced. So everybody's body's metabolic rate is different. And I like how she references that. And I also like, like I said, that she takes the sex out of it. Like she's talking about a high that she got from writing. Now I think the society that we live in too is like an instant gratification thing. Like you go on Amazon and you see something that you really want and you want it like right now and you order it and you're so happy for it to get here and so happy for it to get here and then it gets here and it's like, it's almost like a drop. Like the thing you ordered is here, but the anticipation is gone. And then you're looking for your next rush. So you're looking for something else to shop for, something else to buy to get that anticipation and excitement of something arriving. Just my two cents, I could be way off. This is why sub drop doesn't happen immediately. There's a time delay that is dependent on your body's metabolic rate for dopamine and serotonin, as well as how much of those hormones you produced. Furthermore, when you have an excess of a hormone, oh, this is where we're going to talk about hormones in letters. Furthermore, when you have an excess of hormone A floating around, your body produces another hormone, hormone B, that tells your body, hey, we've got too much hormone A. Let's stop making it to conserve resources and not overdose. So the entire time you're metabolizing hormone A, a.k.a. coming down from your biochemical high, your body is producing more and more hormone B, so you don't overload on hormone A indefinitely. By the time you've finally finished up the hormone A that was floating around, you now have an excess of hormone B. This is when your sub drop hits you. Your body doesn't have the happy-making hormone A available anymore, and you still have lots and lots of hormone B telling your body, we don't need hormone A. An oversimplification of depression is a long-term underproduction of dopamine and or serotonin. Basically, your body can't or won't make enough happy hormones. Your body is tired of making happy hormones and doesn't have what it needs to make those hormones. Sub drop has a similar emotional effect to depression because they both involve insufficient happy hormones. Although sub drop occurs over a shorter timescale than depression, even though depression does have episodes where you feel worse than your resting state of mildly unhappy, unmotivated, or apathetic. Adrenaline and cortisol, stress hormones, are also important. If you've experienced something extreme, an intense BDSM scene, a scary roller coaster, a presentation in front of people you're trying to impress, you'll have stress hormones floating around. Hormone C, the stress hormones, metabolize at a different rate to hormone A, the happy hormones. When you have both hormone C and hormone A, they balance each other out somewhat. This is the difference between productive stress and stress that compromises your physical health. There is also hormone D, which tells your body to stop making hormone C the same way hormone B tells your body to stop making hormone A. Alright, so if anybody got lost in my ABCDs, let's recap. Hormone A, aka happy hormones, regulated by hormone B. Hormone C, aka stress hormones, regulated by hormone D. Yes, this is oversimplified for the sake of clarity, which I appreciate. Don't use this as a reference for a biochem class, which I would never be in. When your sub drop hits, you might not notice if you're not actively trying to be happy, but you'll be more sensitive to fluctuation in stress hormones and other emotionally relevant hormones that aren't the happy hormones. This is where the emotionally volatile experience comes in. In a normal state, I'm fairly good at handling stress. This morning, I nearly gave myself a panic attack because I didn't have licorice roots, so I couldn't make myself my tea blend. That was my first sign that I was, in fact, experiencing sub drop and not just fatigue from going from zero to full speed without giving myself time to adjust. I'd been feeling tired and slightly moody for about a day prior. That's interesting. I wonder if people really experience sub drop or any type of drop like that and don't realize it. I mean, that makes a lot of sense. I wonder if that's what fucks with me when I get shark week. Fucking hormones. God, gravity is my enemy when it's time for my period. Like, it's almost like I have butterfingers or gravity works in reverse. Like, it's yank. Like, I go to set something down and it flies up and fucking falls on the floor or, ooh, it's real frustrating and I'm real fucking klutzy. Real fucking klutzy. Anyway, a little bit about me for your entertainment. The physical aspect of sub drop happens because your body is sending warmth, blood, energy to the internal organs involved in producing, secreting, and regulating hormones A, B, C, and D. This is why it is common to be cold, especially in the extremities, and to sleep a lot. That's interesting. Obviously, our bodies are not identical. We produce these hormones at different speeds and we produce these hormones differently. True fucking story, because I'm pretty sure everything in me is wired absolutely backwards. Anti-nausea medicine makes me vomit. Any type of narcotic or opiate, ooh, not good. Even if you have the same high-inducing experience, your body will react differently afterward. This is why we don't always experience sub drop or you experience milder or more severe cases if you did everything possible to minimize the potential drop. My worst case of sub drop lasted for three weeks after I got home from helping out my family for a week. I was a non-functional adult for the whole three weeks. I would panic and hide in the corner if the wind rattled the storm door. I knew I was being irrational, but I was alone and I didn't realize at the time it was sub drop Instead, I was wondering what's wrong with me? Why can't I just be normal? Why am I broken when nothing happened? That's interesting. I would guess that a lot of people experience some sort of sub drop and they're not even in the lifestyle. It's interesting if you really take a look at your body. I guess, I don't know. What can you do to minimize or recover from sub drop? The best things to do to minimize or recover from sub drop involve non-hormonal happy hormone stimulation. What? That's literally what it says. What? Now, just glancing at these, I would say these are fucking things you could do in your everyday life just to have a better mindset. When you notice yourself thinking negative thoughts, think positive thoughts instead. Be kind to yourself. You're not broken. There's nothing wrong with you. Your body is in fact working as it is designed to. You're just in a temporary state of chaos while your hormones recollaborate. You're going to be okay. I like that one a lot. In general, your thoughts have a direct impact on your emotions. Look up self-coaching techniques for specific strategies you can try. Meditation can also help you let go of negative thoughts. Hugs, cuddles, and physical touch is another way to tell your body, don't listen to hormone B. We actually do need hormone A. This can include sensual stimulation such as baths, massage, orgasms, tickle attacks, weighted blankets, et cetera. I think our brains are much more powerful than anyone gives them credit for. I think the power of thought is interesting. I think if you change your way of thinking about things, okay, so everybody knows that if you have negative thoughts or are a negative person, you're going to attract like-minded people. Your negativity is going to attract other negativity. So if you are a positive person and have a positive outlook, you'll attract people with similar mindset. I struggle with this a lot. I get real negative, like, great, I'm just a bitch. And it's PMS, I know it has a name. But it is interesting because I wonder if I could change that if I just focused and was positive and didn't focus so much on the negative. Just like I think if people could take away the sex and images that pop into their head when they hear about BDSM or swinging or female-led relationships, if you could get rid of those images and focus on the positives and then, you know, I say this all the time, but I feel like I have to repeat myself mainly because repetition is how I learn. But these relationships are really amazing and I don't think that you should have to hide from people. Like, why do vanilla people get to advertise their relationships? Why do they get to be open about things that they do? But in my female-led relationship, I can't say, I make my husband do the dishes every day or I make my husband do this or my husband does this or why can't I call him my subbie? I mean, and I can, I understand that, but just to get rid of some of that stigma. I mean, if I was talking to my vanilla or strawberry or chocolate, whatever you want to fucking say, if I was talking to somebody who is non-lifestyle active and I say it was a couple and I said, you know, male-female couple, I said, oh, I make my husband rub my feet every night before bed or I make my husband wash my hair in the shower. I make my husband do the dishes, whatever. The husband would be like, man, your wife's a fucking bitch. And the wife would be like, man, I wish you did that for me. The stereotypes and the terrible stigma that goes along with these lifestyles is frustrating. It would just be interesting what the world would be like if we could just talk about it. Anyway, that's my rant for the day. I don't know where I was. Oh, yes, I do. Talk to your partners, friends, and family for emotional support and reassurance. This might get a little tricky. If you are having sub drop from an intense scene, you're probably not going to go to your mom. And maybe you are, and if you are, that's fucking awesome. But you're probably not going to go to your family members and be like, ooh, I was in this really intense scene. And listen, if anybody's ever experiencing sub drop, you can email me or you can reach out via text. I'm kind of shitty about the text lately. I'm working on it. But I'm more than happy to offer you some positive reinforcement and let you know how amazing you are and all of those things. Anyway, this is especially relevant if you're overthinking a relationship dynamic or associating your stress hormone reactions with what someone else may or may not do, feel, or act. Ooh, they said my second name, over thinker. This is common for subs who had a scene with a dom they don't live with, especially if it's a new relationship or trust hasn't had time to build. That is interesting. Oh, here's one that I bet a lot of people have heard about. There's a lot of advice out there about eating chocolate. This can be helpful for individuals of the female persuasion because chocolate increases estrogen and women are more stress resilient, the more estrogen we have. But this may not work for everyone. Although if you love chocolate, indulging yourself is a method of self care, which is a tangible reminder that you are awesome, which is a happy thought. So chocolate can have that indirect effect as well. Eating sweets or carbs creates a 10 minute dopamine hit, but then it's gone and you have to eat more carbs. So if you choose to eat sweets to help balance your happy and stress hormone, ration your cookies and eat them one at a time over a course of the day. Obviously eating sugar and carbs is not a viable solution for everyone. I like cookies. I'm just going to throw that out there. I like them a lot and chocolate for that. There's also another article that I found when I Googled. It's Wise Harsh, it looks like. It basically talks about the same thing, from an intense scene. It's a real thing. You have nothing to be ashamed of when this happens. We all experienced it at least. We have all experienced it at least once. It is a challenging headspace to be in and I know this from personal experience. However, it will pass and you will be back to your usual self after a few hours. So this one says a few hours. The other one says it could last up to weeks. To me, it almost seems like the other article was maybe kind of talking about sub drop very similarly to almost like a post-traumatic stress type thing. I don't know. Maybe not. Maybe I'm way off on that, but it seems as though hers, where she was talking about she went to visit her parents and she was home and her senses were heightened and she was freaking herself out. I mean, that could simply, like your fight or flight comes into play. Dominance are not always present when sub drop happens. Sub drop can even occur after care. Your dom is there to help you get in touch with them and tell them what is happening and let them be a part of your recovery. This helps strengthen your dynamic and build trust, which is interesting because, okay, so I had mentioned earlier that I am a little bit backwards. I swear I'm wired backwards. So I think I mentioned last week in the podcast episode about how sometimes like if my subbie and I are, if we have sex, like as soon as we're done, I'm jumping up and I'm on to the next thing. Now, is that an ADHD thing or am I still on the rush from what we just did and just ready to move on to the next thing? I would be very curious on if, well, let's see, do I do sub drop completely fucking backwards like everything else that happens with my body? Everything is fucking backwards. So instead of me being real down, I'm like real hyped up and I could fucking speed clean the house in five minutes. I'm always, it's, and I try to be very, what is the word I'm looking for? I try to be very aware. I try to be present. I try to be, I don't know, intentional. That's the word I'm looking for. I try to be very intentional with when we are done doing whatever it is we just did, whether it's actually having sex or if we were just playing or whatever. I make myself lay there and it's not that I don't wanna be next to him. It's not like, oh, we did it and I wanna get the fuck away from him because that's absolutely not the case. I love being near him. I always have to be touching him, whatever the case may be, but I try to be very intentional to at least lay there and I try not to talk, but fuck, my brain is just on the move. I try not to talk. I try to just like focus on what my body is feeling and maybe we should do it more often so I can get better at it. What do you think, subbie? Should we have sex more? We gotta take the cage off then. Anyway, I try to be intentional with taking that time to really just be in the moment. It's getting a little bit easier, but I still struggle. God, my brain is running rampant. Like today, it's crazy. I'm all over the map. I'm in the back of my mind thinking about what Christmas decorations are gonna go where. I'm thinking, God, I gotta make sure I check my kid's temperature just to make sure she's not running a fever still and see if she needs anything, refill her water, and then bleach my hands and everything else that she could have possibly touched. Goodness. Anyway, just to recap, sub drop is a thing, top drop is a thing, or dom drop, whatever you wanna call it. I mean, we discussed the hormones. There's A, B, C, and D. All these different hormones, A and B are fighting with each other, C and D fight with each other, however that works. Whatever the case may be, the most important thing is is that you are communicating how you are feeling. It is important to talk to your partner about what you are experiencing. Keeping it in could be bad. If you don't wanna talk, I think, and maybe do what works for you. Do what is calming for you. For me, it would be like snuggling up with my subbie or just touching. Touching him is very calming for me. It really slows me down and almost kind of grounds me. So pay attention. If you are the dominant, pay attention to what's going on with your submissive. And, you know, we took some pictures that are on my OnlyFans at camp before it closed. And my subbie had mentioned that he was in subspace when we were taking some of those pictures because my camp bestie and I were, you know, beating on him or not beating. Well, yeah, we kind of were hitting him and things like that. And he kind of really got into the moment. And I had no fucking idea. I had no clue that he had hit subspace. I didn't know because I was focused on how I was standing and what I was doing. I didn't even think about the fact that the acts that we were performing on him were obviously getting him going. You know, he's on a cross in the middle of public or he's on, he's against the cross at the campground in the main pavilion. You know, anybody can see that's a thing of excitement in itself. And I never really addressed how he came down from that or what he was like after that. And to be honest, I don't even remember because I was so caught up in the photography part of it that I didn't, I totally didn't have that connection with, hey, are you okay? Or I didn't, I don't know. We communicated about it afterwards, but it's very easy to miss it, I think, if you're new to this. I never would have even known what to look for. Now I'm a little bit more versed at it. I kind of know what to look for with him, but just be checking in with your partner and subs if your dom is missing it because, you know, I'm dominant and I totally fucking missed it. Check in with your doms or submissives. Don't hesitate to be like, hey, can we just communicate about this? Or as usual, communication is key. Make sure you are communicating your feelings, what works best for you to what aftercare is best for you, what that entails. If it's, you know, one-on-one contact, just time to cuddle. If it's being alone, whatever the case may be, eating chocolate, I like to eat chocolate. But if anybody has any other information or different articles that are, that you found interesting about sub drop or dom drop, I would be interested. I am not done doing my research on this yet, but these were the most, or this experiencing sub drop article was very relatable to me. So I thought that I would choose this one. I'm still looking into it because I kind of feel horrible that I totally missed my subbie being in subspace and I didn't offer him any aftercare. That was an epic dom fail on my part. I'm real sorry, subbie. Anyway, next week, I think I'm going to do something with tattoos and piercings and how those relate to the lifestyle, something along those lines, something a little different. As always, if anyone has any suggestions of something they would like me to talk about on the podcast, don't hesitate to reach out, email. If you're on my TikTok, you can message me. I know somebody said a toy review. I need to beef up my toy collection a little bit and a toy review will probably have to wait until summer when I have a little bit more freedom to, well, one, build up my toy collection, a safe place to keep it, and time to really give it a good go and have a good experience or bad experience or whatever so I can review it fairly. So I heard you. I will work on that. It is in the works. It just may take some time. Anyway. Anyway is my new so and um. I hope everyone has a fantastic week. Stay safe, stays healthy, and just be kind human beings. I love you all, and we will chat next week. Mwah!