Buying Back Your Time to Create Living Legacies with Dan Martell: A Guide to Living Intentionally

Discover how to reclaim your time and live with intention as Dan Martell, a virtuoso in entrepreneurship and personal growth, unveils the secrets to building a life and business that thrive in harmony. In an intimate exchange, Dan presents his novel approach from his book "Buy Back Your Time," offering listeners a roadmap to liberate themselves from the tasks that drain their energy. Through innovative strategies like the 'buyback loop' and the 'camcorder method' for crafting SOPs, this episode promises to equip you with the tools to amplify your business growth and personal freedom concurrently.

Navigating the complexities of family dynamics, Dan reflects on the profound influence of parental relationships on personal and professional success. He shares heartfelt anecdotes of redefining his bond with his father, fostering a culture of respect and understanding. Dan's 'Family Board Meetings' concept emerges as a transformative practice, nurturing deep connections with his children and instilling lessons of empathy and compassion. This episode is an emotional compass, guiding you towards adjusting your own perspectives for a richer, more rewarding life.

Dan opens up about personal setbacks that redefined his path to becoming a better partner and father. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's a masterclass in personal transformation and the art of living purposefully for the people and passions that matter most. Join us for an experience that could reshape your definition of success and legacy.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:00

Welcome to the gentlemen project podcast.

Speaker 2: 0:02

I'm Corey Moore and I'm Kirk Chug. Today Dan Martell joins us in the studio. He's from the eastern coast of Canada but we've got him here in Salt Lake today. He is a philanthropist, an entrepreneur, an investor. He's in the services of software space and successful in that space and he's also failed in that space. He's a dad of two kids, married, and we'll get into some of those things. But Dan is a referral from Randy Garn, which, if you've listened to the podcast you, you have.

Speaker 2: 0:34

You've listened to quite a few introductions from Randy, and Dan came highly recommended and so we're super stoked to have him here today. He's got some of his media team in the podcast studio with us today and he also brought a very special guest who will let him introduce Dan. Welcome to the podcast.

Speaker 3: 0:50

Kirk, it's an honor. Corey, thanks for having me. What a beautiful building obviously there. What a great comeback and tell that the team culture matters a lot to you. You know, reading the story, the way you've designed. I love visiting people's offices to kind of see how they they let the experience unfold. What I'm, you know, what I would love to share with everybody is the MVP in the room. For me, anyways, is my son Max, so mighty Max Martel's in the room.

Speaker 1: 1:16

Yeah, we do a fun thing.

Speaker 3: 1:18

Where, when I travel for work, I alternate between each boy. So I got two sons, or 11 months parts, irish twins, and Technically this was Noah his brother's trip. But his brother knew that Max would enjoy this kind of trip more, so gave up his spot so that he could that's a good brother right there. It is, yeah. Yeah, max is into the media stuff to the YouTube and he wanted to see kind of behind the scenes.

Speaker 2: 1:42

Yeah, so Dan's got a big following on YouTube, social medias. I believe it's over a million.

Speaker 3: 1:48

Yeah, we. I think four million people viewed our content in the last 30 days.

Speaker 2: 1:52

Wow, wow that's a pretty great metric.

Speaker 1: 1:54

Yeah, so and you so. You come from a software background. Hundred percent in the, but you wrote a book about buying back your time. Hmm which sounds like it's been more successful based on what you told us.

Speaker 3: 2:09

Yeah, I mean like I wrote the book because I wanted to help entrepreneurs build companies, didn't grow to hate Hmm.

Speaker 3: 2:15

I think the number one thing killer of a business is not that the business doesn't have the opportunity to work. The economy's there. I mean, if you sell what you do, kirk, with the clothes, like people buy it. So you know, build, build it like economy's there. Most companies fail because the Entrepreneur gets to a place, in the way they built the company, where the more they grow, the more pain. The experience and what I've learned Over the years is entrepreneurs will not grow into pain. You know it's like holding a knife to the throat and saying step forward. It's like they won't do it. So usually they either sell, sabotage or stall their growth. And Over the years that's been the recipe for me of how I've scaled and exited my software companies and built my empire. And even the word empire, which is the subtitle of my book, I know freaks people out because they're like I don't need to build an empire and I'm like, okay, well, empire for me is a life of unlimited creation you never have to retire from.

Speaker 3: 3:05

I think most people want that right to wake up every day to feel fulfilled, to feel useful, to feel like they're creating and do it in a way that doesn't feel heavy. So that's why I wrote that book specifically. It was just on my heart to Kind of get out of my brain and out to the world.

Speaker 2: 3:18

Yeah, we'll talk about the book quite a bit today, but it's called buy back your time and Get unstuck, reclaim your freedom and build your empire. Could you use the word legacy? Maybe has a Replacement for that word, empire, if you didn't like the word empire. Like we all want to leave something behind when we're gone, right, well, so this is a debate Because I'm not sure.

Speaker 3: 3:41

I'm not sure. I think I think impacts important. I'm not sure how much I believe in the concept of legacy to drive our decisions, because I think the moment I leave this earth and I'm a person of faith that you know I care more about how I show up in my time here and and I'm not like even for my boys, and we can dive into that like what, what is appropriate to leave anybody Right, like you know. So the legacy one is is an interesting one, because I would love to do things to help other people, but I don't think I used to be a guy that says, okay, well, what could you create that would still exist in 300 years.

Speaker 3: 4:16

I was that guy. Like I'm gonna be honest, everybody can go back far enough. You'll find me say this I was all about legacy. One of the core pillars in my life for a long time is legacy. I just think that my definition of what legacy means today is different than what I used to believe. It I used to believe about, like building so that when I'm gone, I'm remembered and revered and Memorialized yeah, and now.

Speaker 3: 4:36

I actually don't want that, because then I'm gonna. What I'm gonna do instead is just show up every day and leave it all on the field, and my new Philosophy is like I want to die empty. I want to leave it all out. I want to show up every day, give as much as I can love as much as I can, make fun as much as I can, joy every day, every moment, gratitude, presence, and then, when it's, when it's done. That is what it is, and if I inspired people that continue, that's cool. I'm just never gonna do it. I'm never gonna make a decision based on, like, what happens after I'm gone. I'm gonna index more, for what can I do today while I'm here, which I like.

Speaker 2: 5:08

That it's a paradigm shift for me and a lot of people, because I've Kind of struggled with that. I'm like 42 and I kind of reached that point in my life. I'm like, okay, I'm maybe it like half-timish, you know, and what have I done that's gonna survive me and what will I be remembered for? And you know, you look at, it's kind of a human, innate trait, right. Like you won, the pharaohs did it with the pyramids and you know, like everybody wants to be remembered or have something stand longer than they will be around.

Speaker 3: 5:44

It's why we have kids. Yeah, we ask people, why do you have kids? It's like, well, I want to, you know, create a different lineage of the one I experienced not that it might have been bad for some people it might have been or there's certain areas of trauma they don't want to kind of replicate. And then you know every person that has a kid. When you say, well, what's the goal? What kind of life do you want to leave for them? They say a better one, and I think that it's cool, that it's part of our DNA. I think that we just have to ask ourselves are we making decisions today about this future that I'm not going to experience at all, versus say, well, how can I just show up more present and more involved or impactful today? Because I think and this is why I wrote this book is because I see so many people make sacrifices of the today for the future they won't experience. Yeah, see what I'm saying, kirk, you got it. I could tell by that smile.

Speaker 2: 6:31

I used to sell insurance and investments. I'm like you got to save, you got to save, you got to save so that one day you can have fun, you know. And then when I got out of that I was like a little bit like you know what, like there's no guarantee that you're even going to have that stage of life. You know, you have these people that save and save and save and they retire and three weeks later they get cancer and happens all the time they're gone within six months yeah, most people don't even understand.

Speaker 3: 6:56

There's a great book Bill Perkins wrote called the die with zero, and he talks about the go-go, slo-go and no go years. Like, let's you say we're halfway there, we're not really halfway there, we're even less there, because the go-go years is typically between you know, uh, you know 55, 65. The slo-go years is 75, 65 to 75, and then the no go years is kind of beyond that, where you don't even have the health if you don't take care of yourself. So, honestly, if you want to enjoy the world, enjoy your life, do you want to do it when you're a prime fitness, you're most energetic, you're most presence, or do you want to wait until you can barely, you know, walk? And that's that's why I think, like, when I think of legacy as a concept, um, it's a, it's, it's, it's important to consider, but not at the sacrifice of the today and the today people yeah, I think it's all about the definition of legacy.

Speaker 1: 7:49

Yeah, when I think of it, it's like I don't care about myself or anyone remembers me, but do I want to give my kids stories that that allow them to have certain morals, to have certain values? Do I want to do? I don't want to leave them anything with but with the legacy to know they can do it on their own, with the legacy to know how to create value in their life. Right, I'm not leaving your money, but I'm certainly going to teach you how to add value in the world, right? So I think, if you think of legacy, as I want to teach my kids how to be amazing, yeah, for themselves, not for me, not for some, but for themselves. And and I think that's kind of the legacy I walk towards right, it's not about me, it's not about people remembering me, it's about having my name up on it now.

Speaker 1: 8:34

Who cares all that, right, right, I'm not here to enjoy that and for those who do that, I. I'm not saying that's bad, I'm just saying the definition of legacy needs to be hey did I. It's more knowledge. Are my kids more knowledgeable about how to buy back time? Are they more knowledgeable about how to have work life balance, how to treat people better, how to have better relationships, how to create wealth? Are they? Are they more knowledgeable than I am?

Speaker 3: 9:02

there's some legacy well, here here's a fascinating conversation on that, because I was just talking about it on the flight down here with one of the guys that was on the plane because, like anybody, that's created wealth, their biggest fear okay, so like I flew down on a private jet, my son's with me how do I live my life but not essentially ruin my kids? That live a completely different experience? That is like the one thing is I coach a lot of my clients on and the concept is called controlled adversity, because if you ask yourself like what, you get it right.

Speaker 3: 9:36

If you ask yourself what creates the character of a person that is resilient and resourceful, it's not somebody that's been taking care of and coddled challenges yeah it's the adversity they face, okay, but does that mean you're going to drop them off in the woods 40 kilometers from their house and say figure it out at age 12, like my buddy Ben Greenfield did?

Speaker 3: 9:55

No, now I joke with Ben because you know he taught his kids since they were two years old to take care of themselves and hunt, and so like, the risk profile of their children versus mine are completely different, but I think it's fascinating as a concept to say, okay, if I want to leave my kids with these character traits and these beliefs and these, this understanding of how to prioritize their time and their energy, then how do I create a controlled adversity environment, right? Some people say, allow your kids to take risks in a safe way. So that's. I'm literally thoughtfully thinking about this all the time. How do I, you know, create the context, the container where my kids can do things that are risky or hard, but not in a way where they're gonna, like, create what I call core memories, that I go to them, pay for therapy?

Speaker 1: 10:40

for in the future. Right, that's a great way to play. That's a hundred percent. Yeah, let's have them get their butt kicked, but not so much that they have to go to therapy for, yeah, we don't want to create deep, deep capital T trauma, but a little bit of, you know, friction in the world.

Speaker 2: 10:53

Yeah, Brandon Steiner probably would drop his kids off in the woods, though totally.

Speaker 1: 10:57

Brandon Steiner is a good podcast for that so how do we buy back our?

Speaker 3: 11:00

time. It's a beautiful question, obviously. I love it here's. Here's the first way I think about it is most people just don't know what they want for their life. So it's fascinating for me. Every person I hire one of my favorite questions, ask them it's five years from now. You're waking up, we can't be working together, so we take that off the table. Describe the perfect situation, describe your life. You know where you live and where you're waking out. Da, da, da, da. Most of them go. Don't we ever ask me that question before? I'm like okay, well, let's pretend you knew the answer. And then they kind of start describing it. They allow themselves a dream.

Speaker 3: 11:34

For me, understanding the vision of what you want to create is the first part, because I can't design, I can't help you buy back your time to create a life if you can't tell me what you're trying to aim for. I mean this is anybody in business knows it's begin with the end in mind seven habits, et cetera. So once we know what we want to create, then we look at the calendar. So I created this framework. So the buyback principle okay, it's a core principle, it's essentially. I call it a first principle. Okay is we don't hire people to grow our businesses. We hire people to buy back our time, because if we do the second we get the first, but if we do the first we don't always get the second. So I always start this framework with the buyback loop. So anytime we feel that growth in our lives would create pain in our calendar, then we have to buy back our time, because if not, we're gonna inadvertently sabotage, stall or wanna sell our businesses. Right, thank you.

Speaker 1: 12:27

That's a I'm giving an applause, thank you, yeah. Yeah, a quiet applause. I'm like yes, baby, I believe in this. Okay, keep going. Sorry.

Speaker 3: 12:35

So once I hit what I call the pain line and I feel that way, and I had one last week I literally sat down on my assistant and said time to do a two week time and energy audit. So that's the first step of the three. Okay, it's ATF audit, transfer, fill Audit is. I look at the last two weeks of my calendar and I say what of those things lit me up? That I love doing this podcast, bright Green love it gives me energy game like on all time. What takes my energy? What's red? And then, hey, let's even talk about yellow. Okay, because I think sometimes people's yellows are really reds. They just don't wanna admit it, right? So is there a board you're on that just suck in the energy, but you've been on it for three years and you gotta renegotiate some. You know some expectations or agreements. You know some strategic planning stuff that you've done for 12 years that you're just like you know what. It's not really the kind of conversations that light me up anymore, like it's giving yourself permission to literally look at your calendar through that lens. And then, also for all those tasks that you've been doing, ask yourself, if I were to pay somebody else to do this task. How much would it cost me? And it's a relative number to your own personal buyback rate, which I teach in the book. But it's let's just say, like you know, when you go to restaurants it's like $1 sign expensive or $4 sign, so like four would be. If you had to pay somebody to do your job, you're the CEO. What would it cost to pay somebody? So that's like the hourly cost. $1 sign would be like, let's say, administrative assistant, right, $15, $20 task. So then once I do the time and energy audit, I've got all the things that suck my energy, that are red, and then all the things that are $1 or $2 in cost to pay somebody else to do. That becomes the hiring spec, the job posting for the next hire. That's it, that's all. Then I go to transfer, I take that and I transfer it.

Speaker 3: 14:10

So what's unique about the way I do transfer is fascinating to people is I essentially record myself doing the work while I do the work. I call it the camcorder method. It's why I have a video crew doing this stuff. I have a coaching company with the 1,000 clients the largest software or CEO coaching organization in the world. I don't create my own trainings, I don't coach, I don't run my events, I don't go on stage hardly anymore. Why? Because while I was doing it I videotaped myself and then, as I hired people to buy back, that time, I gave them the recordings and I said you create the SOP based on what you see. So when I hired them, the first week of their life was watching 40 hours worth of content. Then they told me what they saw in the videos and then I could look at it and say you know your stuff, you picked up what I was throwing down game on Okay, you're gonna stay, let's build this out.

Speaker 3: 14:57

So that's the transfer part, because for most people SOPs are kind of this like vague thing that they don't know how to do and it's not fun. Checklist who wants to sit there and create a checklist? Let's be honest. But doing the work, recording it, knowing that someday I never have to do this for the rest of my life, that's pretty awesome. So you can connect to a Zoom call, you can process your email, you could record yourself doing I mean, I've recorded myself. I do triathlon. So Ironmans and like anybody that's done those kind of races, realize that it's like a mini computer science degree. You need to manage all the computers that connect all that, like literally there's three different things that gotta get plugged in on my road bike alone. Okay, a lot of time and energy keeping the bike, maintenance and all that stuff. I just videotaped myself with my iPhone and then I gave it to somebody on my team and I said going forward on this schedule, can you do all this stuff? I used to do that way. I never show up to a starting line of a race and my battery's dead, like it happened on my first Ironman. So it sounds so trivial, but that's like the transfer part and then the last part is fill. And this is my favorite part, because it's like what do you do with this new time? And I think most people, if I gave them two extra days a week back, they wouldn't really know what to do with it. Right, because most people live by their email, they live by the meetings, they live by the request of other people on their time and it feels safe and it feels good and it feels like forward momentum. But it isn't thoughtful, it isn't strategic when you actually step back and say, okay, if I got an extra two days a week, or three days a week, or four days a week. If I hire an assistant, I don't have one. What do I do at that time?

Speaker 3: 16:27

My argument is you should invest in the things that A make your company the most money possible. So anything that's like a $4 sign or green that lights you up, that makes you money, revenue drivers start with that. Fill your calendar up with that. Why Creates more revenue, more resources to buy back, more time. But at some point you'll actually max that out. And then I would argue that you should look at your skill sets. You got to develop your beliefs that you have that aren't supporting you and your character traits. And that's the audit transfer fill loop. And I think that you know it sounds simple but it's not easy. But if this is literally the process I've used to build the empire of creative, that's awesome.

Speaker 2: 17:05

So if you want, like the nitty gritty, the nuts and bolts version of what Dan just said, you got to buy his book.

Speaker 3: 17:12

Oh, my gosh, like. And when I handed in my first manuscript to my publisher, this is his response. His name was Noah. He goes hey, dan. So I got to explain something to you and I don't want you to take this the wrong way and I said what's that? He goes there's a difference between a university textbook and a bestselling book. And I go what do you mean? He goes you've written a university textbook.

Speaker 3: 17:35

So what I love about the book we fixed it. It has a lot of stories, a lot of examples, it's written better than my initial one, but all of the stuff that I teach is in there. So people are like how do I manage? How do I hire an executive assistant? Chapter seven what do they do? Chapter eight like it's all in there, literally the folder structure for setting up your emails, the daily meeting you should have with them, the whole thing. I put it all in there because I really wanted people to get the manual, not just be inspired. I think some books they're almost like tweets that are written into a book. I wanted to get people like the meat, even the last chapter. Buy back lifestyle. How do you apply this to your home?

Speaker 2: 18:13

Yeah, and that's really what I want to talk to you about today. What have you learned as a dad of an 11 and a 10 year old boys? What are the things that you've learned and that you coach on a daily basis, that you have transferred and translated into some of the things that you do at home, that you can say that one thing has made more of an impact on the relationships and the character development of our family than any other.

Speaker 3: 18:39

There's a lot of stuff, and I always listen to my heart when I try to answer something, because I don't know what the right answer is, so I'm just gonna trust in that. The first thing that came up was that a long time ago I realized that if I wanted to have a better relationship with everybody in my life, including my kids, my wife and my parents and my brothers and sisters that there was nothing I could ever ask them to become. That would be enough for it to be okay, other than me working on me being okay with them. I hope like this is a crazy idea, but I know there's people listening that hope someday my wife changes a thing. My mom stops doing X, my dad starts doing Y and I'm telling you, don't hold your breath, it ain't gonna happen. What you can focus on is who you are in those experiences. So one of the best things I've ever done, like I said, I created the space to buy back my time, to reinvest it in becoming more so. I got to a place where, for example, I think most young men, maybe young women, when I call my dad and I'm wildly more successful financially than my dad. I love my dad, he's my hero, but just on pure paper. That's just a fact. And every time I talk to him, he asks me questions as if I'm a 13-year-old boy. Still, I don't know if you guys ever had this experience. When you talk to your parents and they're like well, did you think about this? And you're like, oh my god, why are they asking? Like, of course I thought about that. I remember one time I was so frustrated with this idea because every time you ask me these questions, it makes me feel like I suck right, and it's my dad.

Speaker 3: 20:11

Every boy wants their dad to feel proud of them. I don't want him to ask me about the 14 ways he thinks I'm going to lose my net worth. I want him to go wow, I'm so proud of what you've created. I'm talking to my brother. I go, bro. His name's Pierre. I said, pierre, does dad ever do that? And he goes. Yeah, man, but you know what? The other day I decided to just show him. So what do you mean? He goes. I just because my brother's a very successful home builder. He goes. I just started bringing him to my real estate projects and showing him and telling him all my numbers. He goes. I don't think dad realized how successful you are. So what do you think I should do? He goes, just show him Really. He goes. Yeah.

Speaker 3: 20:46

I said OK, I'm going to screenshot all my bank accounts, all my everything. I'm going to text it to him. I sat there. I remember where I was sitting. I was sitting I don't tell my wife I was sitting on the kitchen table. My feet were on the bench right, like I was just sitting there talking to my bro.

Speaker 3: 21:01

I screenshotted all my different accounts, my savings accounts, my business accounts, my stripe, all the cash, all the stuff, and I texted him like seven different images and I said I don't know what you want to do with that, but here, and I thought maybe that was going to stop my dad from worrying about whatever he was worrying about. First response he goes oh my gosh, who manages that for you? I was like oh my gosh, dad, holy moly. But in that moment I realized it wasn't about my dad. He's always going to think those things. He's always going to be that way.

Speaker 3: 21:39

So then I had to change my relationship with those questions. So no joke, this happened probably six years ago. I now proactive, just out of fun. I called him two days ago and I said hey, dad, I need your advice. Oh man, my dad loves it. He pulls up to the phone. I can tell Wherever he's at, he'll stop, sit down. What do you need? I said you know what, dad, I'm trying to get this new revenue guy and he's asking for this. It's not true, none of it's true. I call my dad for advice all the time because that's his way of expressing his care.

Speaker 2: 22:12

And I love it.

Speaker 3: 22:13

And sometimes I record it why there's going to be a day where he's not going to answer. So I share all that, because I think that it's important for us to decide if we truly want these people in our lives. If I want to have a great relationship with my son, my wife, et cetera, I just got to figure out how do I become better for them, because asking them to change for me is a losing proposition.

Speaker 1: 22:42

Yeah, I think that's kind of a. I sometimes say get out of your own way or choose happiness. It's similar to that right, You're not going to change those people, so how do you choose happiness? How do you choose seeing the world with a different paradigm, which is what you did with your dad? I hope he doesn't listen to this podcast.

Speaker 3: 22:59

Oh, he can, he knows and he still loves it when I come.

Speaker 1: 23:02

OK.

Speaker 2: 23:04

He's like how's that new Revegan Dude? He literally watches my content.

Speaker 3: 23:07

If I read you my text, my dad is again. He thinks I'm a 13-year-old troublemaker. He texts me all the time. He's like I just watched your latest video. I mean, he's so funny at this stuff. What did he say recently? No, urgent, just wanted to tell you. I listened to your new short video and I think you are great. I am stating to believe you really know what you're doing.

Speaker 3: 23:27

Love that Like the next text message we are flying to Toronto, then to Rome tonight, first time I text from a plane. I've been checking out your videos. They are very good.

Speaker 1: 23:38

Love that Like I mean you're just trying to say he's trying to say Like I say he's really my hero, but there was a long period of time where I had to figure out how do I have these?

Speaker 3: 23:45

conversations Because I had a lot of personal baggage. So, growing up, what did you learn from your parents?

Speaker 1: 23:52

One of my favorite questions is like what may I say to you? Like, how did you get to the place you're at? And that usually comes from some sort of things from your parents, and then it's friends and it's books, and it's something turns you into who you are right Over time. So how did your parents influence you to become who you are today? And there's probably good and bad, and I'm not going for either. I'm just kind of saying is there something there? I'm going to listen to my heart, I'm just going to share what I share.

Speaker 3: 24:19

Like it's just the one thing about me is I'm just going to share what I share. The one thing about me is I'm 100% just what it is Raw Dan.

Speaker 2: 24:27

It's raw. Here's the thing.

Speaker 3: 24:29

My parents did the best they could with what they knew at the time and who they were. My mom was adopted, raised by two alcoholic parents. My dad's, my grandparents, were alcoholics. My dad struggled with his demons and they had four kids Struggled. My dad was in sales, never home often. I grew up in a very emotionally challenging environment Zero regret. I love the childhood I went through because I didn't get the parents I thought I wanted. I got the parents I needed, so I learned a lot about what I don't want to do. How does that showed up in my life today? I decided to quit drinking because I didn't want to be the generation that continued the lineage of alcoholism which I grew up in. I became addicted, went to prison twice, but time I was 17, ended up in rehab, kept drinking till I was 32. And I knew better. So when my wife told me she was pregnant, done I'm done. I'm not going to do this. I'm not going to do this to us.

Speaker 1: 25:31

Good for you.

Speaker 3: 25:32

The math was simple in my head If I continue this, there's zero chance that over the next 25 years I don't create massive amounts of pain in my relationship, in my marriage to my children if I continue drinking, whether if I'm like, oh, I'm better now I can socially drink, no, there's just going to be a moment where I do something I shouldn't have done, so I quit. And it's been 11 years now, age of my son, and so I learned a lot about that. And then, over the years, just the people that have inspired me. Honestly, it's just like in business.

Speaker 3: 26:01

I started asking myself I had a mentor, this guy named Ken, and he had these two incredibly well-adjusted kids. And this guy, when I met him, he's worth $100 million. Now he's worth like half a billion. And I remember asking him I said like Ken, how did you raise these? Like? At the time, I think his kids were like 12, 13, but super kind, outgoing, smart, self-sufficient, you know what I mean, not like rich, little, spoiled kids. And his feedback to me was don't shelter them from the way the world really is. So what do you mean by that? He goes since they were babies, since they were little kids. We volunteer at the food bank. We bring them to third world countries. They have it in just because we live here. That's not normal and I want you to experience it. So they went to normal schools, didn't get you know what I mean, all this stuff. So I was like OK. So I talked to Renee about this concept and she's like I'm on board. So I mean, when they were four and five, we went to Haiti on a project that was supporting the school and this other stuff they were doing there and my boys came, they saw it. We had bodyguards. We're traveling there. Like what is this? And I'm like this is. We live in Canada and we live in a certain neighborhood that doesn't be exposed, but we've been ever since they were young. So I think that was a big idea that I learned from Ken.

Speaker 3: 27:11

Other things that I do we mentioned Jim Shields before we started recording. So Jim wrote a book called the Family Board Meetings. It's based off the concept of surfing, because when he had kids, he realized that surfing could be an activity that he did and then he literally created a relationship with his boys through surfing. So he started teaching successful entrepreneurs the concept of a family board meeting, which we did last weekend, we do this weekend, we do it once a quarter. And some people are like you only do it once a quarter. It's like, look, I spend time with my kids all the time, but once a quarter for half a day, so it's four hours plus a meal. We do whatever they want to do One on one. And it is the funnest, like last Sunday I had Max and we bought a PS5. Because we don't have video games at my house. I haven't played video games since I was eight. Mario Kart, yeah, mario Kart. Duck Hunter, the Power.

Speaker 2: 28:06

Pad. Yeah, the Power Pad. We're the same age. I knew you knew all of this. Yeah, you learned how to hack that system.

Speaker 3: 28:12

Oh, yeah, yeah, no, no, yeah, you know what I mean. We were putting the Nintendo cartridge in there. So, yeah, we did, we bought a PS5. We went goat karting, we went arcades, we went to the jump park Like all in four hours, and then we went for a meal and then. So the whole idea is do what they want to do, don't do what you want to do. And so when they were little I've been doing this since they were two or three, I mean. One day they were like I want to go to the beach. I'm like it is freezing outside. Imagine going to beach on a day like today. That was what my children asked me back then, but we did it.

Speaker 3: 28:41

And my favorite part is the meal, because at the meal you sit down and that's the space that you create to ask them I want to be a better dad for you. And there's no way I'm going to be a better dad unless I get feedback and I know that some of the stuff you might be thinking might hurt my feelings, but I need to hear that what can I do to be a better dad for you? It's good, that is really good, yep. So I create the space there. The other thing that we ask in those meals is hey, man, is there anything going on at school? You know any adults say or do something, because sometimes adults make kids scared that if they say anything, that their parents are going to be heard. I just want you to know nothing's going to happen to me Because we don't know man, we don't know who our kids, what happens on sleepovers, they go away to camp and all that stuff. And it's just about creating this space for you to have this like open, honest conversation. And I started when they were small so that when they're 13, 14, 15, it's normal. It's part of who we are. It's part of being a Martel. We have core values, so they're on our walls. So I worked with my buddy, chris and Melissa Smith at Family Brand so we created our family values.

Speaker 3: 29:53

I could you know my family coach. We have a coach Brooke. We literally fly her to live with us. She's like a performance coach for your family. She lives in our home three days, wakes up when we wake up, watches all the interactions and then does one-on-ones with my wife, with myself, with my kids. I mean, I could tell you and here's my philosophy is, if you tell me something's important to you, then I'm going to ask to see your bank account and your calendar. If I don't see transactions that support the things that you tell me are important to you, I'm going to call bull crap. So what I do in business, I just do in my life. So those are just a few things that come to mind.

Speaker 1: 30:34

Those are all really good, yeah, I don't remember who I learned this from a podcast, a book, something similar to what you just said, though they said write down the five things that are most important to you. Three things, the five things, whatever and then kind of give it your star rating right Based on the money, time spent and knowledge you're trying to use. So how many books do you read?

Speaker 3: 30:57

or how much money do you spend on that?

Speaker 1: 30:59

I like that how much time do you spend with a mentor on those things compared to the rest of your life, and then give yourself a score one to five, and that can be humbling, because I did that back then I don't know, this was probably six, seven years ago and I was like, oh yeah, I'm not spending money on that or time on that. It's a great way to judge yourself without being biased.

Speaker 3: 31:19

Yeah.

Speaker 1: 31:20

Right, that's a. I had forgotten about that, but that's awesome.

Speaker 2: 31:24

So you touched on this a little bit earlier and I had listened to some things about that stage that you were in between like 15 and 17. Yeah, where it was a rough go for you, just a bit.

Speaker 2: 31:39

Sounded like a colorful era of Dan's life. Yeah, I have two boys in that same age range. Right now, corey's got a daughter that's in that age range, 17. And I've got an 18 year old daughter. You were a product of your environment but at some point and it took you a while, at least with the alcohol thing to get rid of that idea but between the ages of 15 and 32, what was the thing that flipped that switch for you? And you said this is the type of man I want to be, this is the type of father and husband that I want to be.

Speaker 3: 32:26

I don't know if there was a moment, because I think in most things in life it's phasic right, it's cleaner stories to go back and tell a moment, it's a you know, it's just a better storytelling. And, honestly, I don't know if people have ever heard this, but 50% of our memories are not true. It's how we've resolved them to eventually, like, become a narrative that makes sense, to even communicate, and we say it so many times that we forget that actually didn't happen that way. Don't believe everything you think no do not.

Speaker 3: 32:55

Here's. Here's what I'll say that comes to my. When I asked myself that question, it was probably when I, um, I was engaged to a woman and I it was my third company. First two companies completely failed. Luckily, I just started.

Speaker 3: 33:09

Young I've been doing business. I'm 42. I've been in business like full on, hardcore, attacked the problem For 25 years, started at 17. As soon as I got sober, learned how to code, saved my life, became my obsession and I went all in right. So it's not that impressive, uh, cause I've been doing it for so long.

Speaker 3: 33:25

But at 27 years old, I you know, prior to that, a couple of years prior, my third company I hired a business coach and everything changed. I started to be financially successful, like, there was a business rhythm and hiring and customers and dollars in the bank, and all of a sudden there was this like clear line of path of like becoming wealthy, and I ended up during that time being in a relationship with a woman getting engaged. Cause I thought that's what you did and like, and here's the crazy prize I was doing all of that for her, for us, for this future. And one day I come home, uh, after working late, I'm an hour late and um, and I find her in the kitchen, you know full, like just I was. It was like ugly girl crying, you know she can't even breathe, like she's just like uh. And then she just says I can't do this anymore and she drops the ring on the counter and says I'm, I'm done, and she goes and stays with her parents and that was the last day we were together, seven weeks before the wedding. That was probably the moment that I said whatever you're doing is not going to work. You're smart not that smart, but you're smarter than this. You've figured out all this business stuff. Why can't you figure this problem out? And the answer was to what I said earlier. I didn't dedicate any time, money, calendar to that problem, to becoming the person who could keep be amazing in a relationship you know be be a great. So, like, a lot of what I talked about in my book was the byproduct of going okay, I'm driven, I've got that, I'm willing to do the work, I've got that. I can study, I hire a coach. I got that part. But why am I so crappy at being in relation with other people if it wasn't business focused? And that was the journey I went on and this is the fun part for me to talk about is my current wife.

Speaker 3: 35:23

It took me maybe three years, four years, four years after that, to meet her, and I'm glad she didn't meet me One week prior, because I'll tell you, man, I was doing the work. I was reading the books, going to the seven men are from Mars, women are from Venus, you name it. I read the book, okay, like I just I did. I did in business, I did what I did in business. If I started a new company, I would like what are the top five books? Who are the top five seminars? Who are the top five coaches? And I spend the money, show up, do the work. You know, be a good student.

Speaker 3: 35:53

I just decided to do that, to grow, to become the person and this is the thing my wife is an 11. She's beautiful, driven, athletic kind. I mean just, and I'm sure your wives are no different. Like you meet these women that just think of everybody else and somehow they have more to give their cuss. Like she's. She's an entrepreneur and she worries about putting sunscreen on my kid's face at five in the morning. I'm like, why are we doing this? She checked the weather it's gonna be hot out and I'm just like this is like you're so thoughtful and I guarantee if she would have met me prior to when we did, she would have just not even gave me a second chance. I hadn't become the person I need to become to attract that level of incredibleness.

Speaker 3: 36:35

Honestly, so a lot of pain created the desire to not go through that again. That made it worth it to go through the challenge of change to become the person that could eventually find, to become the person that would attract that like. You see, all these people they're like you know from my partner I want this, I want this, I want this. They need to be. I mean, it's just so crazy.

Speaker 3: 36:58

You know, some women are like they need to be six, three, they need to be making 200,000 a year, they need all this. And I look at them. I go what are you going to bring to the table? Like, let's just be honest. But I was honest with myself. What was I bring into the table? I was a horrible person to be in a relationship with. If she got 10 minutes of my attention throughout a whole week of like one on one, kirk, that was a good week. So that's what I would say is just, I had to be honest with myself and then apply the same stuff I'd learned in business about being successful and just apply it to becoming a person that could be in a relationship and then eventually being a good dad.

Speaker 1: 37:33

I had a quasi similar experience quickly as my wife sat me down. We've been married like a year, no kids.

Speaker 1: 37:39

I come home one day from work and I'm just working like I did. But when I was single, right, she goes this isn't going to work for me. I'm freaking out like whoa, wait, what, what isn't going to work for you? You know, like, our whole relationship, what are you talking about? You know this whole work thing you're doing. She's like it's not going to work for me and she goes I'm going to make a deal with you and I were in our late 20s, like all right, she says, you can work as late as you want at night, you just need to give me heads up. Weekends are mine. And I wasn't an executive yet. I was in my late 20s. Right, I'm just making my way. And in a lot of ways it was easier than to make that decision because I didn't have as much responsibility, but it was harder because I'm trying to.

Speaker 2: 38:20

You know, trying to show up trying to be a successful business person.

Speaker 1: 38:24

You know, best thing that ever happened, because ever since then she's had every weekend. We've been married 20 years and if it wasn't for her saying giving me a timeout, then I wouldn't have the aha moment needed to go. Oh yeah, this is important and it becomes way more important when you have the kids right. It comes even even more important to have the balance, or whatever you want to call it. I think we've had some multiple people on the podcast. It's not really balanced, more like times and seasons, right, you start a new business, you're given that a lot of time, but then you become successful, you buy back your time and you give it to your family, and so I'm not sure balance is the right word. But anyway, great Harmony. Harmony is a good one.

Speaker 3: 39:05

I call it the integrated life. Yeah, the way I help people resolve this is I say, before you decide to take something new, like even start a business, right, because we're all like serial entrepreneurs, you know we've got a primary company that's doing really well. We get a little high on ourselves and somebody comes up with a new idea and we're like, let's do that. I'll invest, take my money, I'll be your business partner. And someday you show up and you're like, how did I get two jobs? Like we've all done that.

Speaker 3: 39:28

In those moments I always look at three things Okay. First off, business fundamentals. What do I know that I have to keep committing to that's going to make my business successful, before I say yes to something new? Second is my success habits. What do I do every day that allows me to be successful energetically, take care of my body, you know, whatever it is with the family success habits. And then the third is commitment to others, and sometimes what we forget to do is renegotiate those in a season to give us the space.

Speaker 3: 39:56

See, my wife is super understanding If I sit down with her and say, hey, the book's doing really well and I have an opportunity to really push it and be on all these podcasts, but it's going to require me to be gone, you know, six days a month, which normally I wouldn't travel that much. It's like you know. But I think on the tail end of a three month sprint this could be created. She can look at it, look at her calendar, think about it and then come back and say I'm okay with that, no problem, she's not. Like you know, some people are like rigid, you have to do this always and never do it, or I hate you, like she's not unreasonable. But what she doesn't like to feel is like I, she wasn't consulted and I think a lot of entrepreneurs were guilty of. I'm moving fast, I'm creating this, I'm doing it for her and the crazy part, especially for the kids, they never asked you for any of it. Isn't that fascinating? That was a thing that occurred to me.

Speaker 2: 40:50

They just want you.

Speaker 3: 40:52

Yeah, when my my fiance left me and I convinced myself for three years that I had been killing myself to create a future for us, there was never a conversation where she asked me for any of it, ever. Like I made it up in my head, there was never a sense that sounded like I need you to be a millionaire, I need you to be successful, I need you to make this company the best company ever. I she just wanted me to be present when we went out for dinner.

Speaker 1: 41:23

That crazy yeah, we do a lot. We all do that in some way, shape or form. I was gonna ask you when you were going through that transition of essentially getting ready to be the man that your current wife needed? Was there, was there anything in that journey? Was there a certain book you read or a certain mentor you had, or multiple things that you know what? For those who might be listening saying, well, I want to be ready for my wife to be, or my you know partner to be. Any advice there?

Speaker 3: 41:56

yeah, I'm checking in on my heart. What comes up, david get a, I think, is his name. Maybe that's a idiom data. So I love David Gata's music and David's data wrote a song called the Way of the Superior man and that really spoke to me about how you show up and how you are in relation. So I think his book was really good. I think seminars wise back then. This is so fun.

Speaker 3: 42:26

The first seminar I ever went to is a guy named T Harb Ecker millionaire, mind millionaire, mind intensive and my brother, him, and I went because we had these free tickets away. They it's actually brilliant idea in his book. He had two tickets to his seminars. Okay, today it's you know, people do online stuff, but back then it was in person and we went to seminar and he ended up. The deal was it's like 34 grand I mean, we're in our late 20s, 34 grand is like real money. And but the kicker was, is that if you joined his like whatever he called it quantum that you can bring it a family member for free? So it's like, bro, this is three years of personal development, you and I get to do it.

Speaker 3: 43:09

I would say some of those events like life directions and warrior and many others, shaped me in a big way and I would say that getting curious about who has been successful and had amazing relationships and being and asking them the questions and looking for mentors and looking for examples bright spots, I like to call them because I think it's easy for people to go and this is what's funny. You meet people in their cynical right. They're like oh yeah, he's rich, but what white, what number wife is he on? It's like that's fascinating that you default go there, which means you'll never be successful because you believe success means not being married. They're like well, I didn't say that you did. You kind of did it, kind of did so what I wanted to find, because I think you know we don't get the life we want. We get the life we focus on. I wanted to find successful people that had high net worth, with really well adjusted kids and study like rich christensen I think he's Utah, you guys know rich.

Speaker 1: 44:07

I don't know him, but I know heard of him yeah he.

Speaker 3: 44:10

He's one of those guys that I read his book and he talks about, like, how to have this like integrated, harmonious family life and be wealthy and successful, all stuff. So, like I think that that was, you know, a big shift for me was just, I'm a samosas guy, I need to be around it, but once you show it to me, no problem. Like I remember when I was trying to build like these big software companies, I would beg to just go meet the CEOs. Yes, I want to talk to CEO, but more importantly, I want to go see. I want to see, like your office, the outside office, the building.

Speaker 3: 44:40

What do you guys do? How do you set it up? What's the culture stuff? Why'd you write that on the wall? You know, you go to the bathroom and then you see graphs in the bathroom. I'm like, whoa, why'd you guys do that? It's like because this is where we break even, we don't do very scapula. I'm like, oh, so once I see it, I can assimilate it, but sometimes, until I see it, it's hard for me to believe it. So I did that with becoming the person who could be successful financially and also, you know, not be horrible in a relationship.

Speaker 2: 45:06

I love it. Well, at the end of every podcast I know you have a hard stop and I can't believe we're at the. I know, I know, I just looked down at the end of every podcast, we ask our guests what they think it means to be a gentleman, and so we're gonna give you the opportunity to listen to your heart for a minute and answer that question.

Speaker 3: 45:28

Hmm, I love I, I love my creator. He just puts something really cool on my mind. He said being a gentleman is caring about the things of the people you care about, care about. Think about that. A gentleman is somebody that cares about the things, the people you care about, care about. And I think if you use that as a North Star, like I just think like man, if I just show up for my team, for my son, what does he care about now, what I care about, but what he cares, but if I can start caring about that, I think people be like man. He's a gentleman. So that's what came up love it.

Speaker 1: 46:08

One of the better answers I've heard actually maybe succinct and beautiful made me think of my wife. You know she wants to do this clothing store. I'm like I gotta do anything I can possibly do to help her with that, because that'll show her that I actually love her. Right, good, good stuff. Thanks for being with us. Thanks for sharing your time with us yeah, so cool to have you.

Speaker 2: 46:29

Guys are cool dudes. Hey, thank you. We're happy to meet you and glad to be friends now. Thanks for joining us on the gentlemen project podcast. If you would, please hop over to itones, visit us there, give us a rating in a review that helps more people find the message that Dan left today. We're grateful for him, grateful for you listening to the podcast. I'm Kirk Chugd.

Speaker 1: 46:50

I'm Corey Moore, go buy, buy back your time book by Dan Martell, and they can find you on social media.

Speaker 3: 46:58

Instagram is my favorite. Dan Martell, double L the Martell.

Speaker 1: 47:01

I'll see you guys there beautiful thanks everybody, make it a great day.