239: The Day I Couldn't Be There

In this deeply personal solo episode, Nole shares the recent, difficult experience of saying goodbye to his beloved family cat, Finn. An unexpected work call-up prevents Nole from being there, forcing him to rely on his wife, Heather, and his son, North, to handle the heart-wrenching task. This event becomes a powerful catalyst for reflection on a father's desire to shield his family from pain, the profound growth that happens when we let our loved ones carry heavy responsibilities, and the importance of choosing to show up for life's hardest moments.

Join Nole as he explores the bittersweet pride of watching his family's strength, the lessons learned through their grief, and the universal truth that our character is forged when we willingly walk into the hard rooms of life.

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Transcript

Nole (00:14.126)
You were listening to the fire. You carry podcast. This is Noel. And today I have a short solo episode for you. This is about taking our beloved pet, our cat, Finn to the vet to be put to sleep and what that experience was like and what it made me reflect on and some lessons I learned through my wife and my children in that process. Thank you for listening. Enjoy.

Nole (01:03.724)
I'm not really sure where I picked this up, but at some point in my life, and it may have come from my parents, but I heard this principle, this idea espoused of

the utility of owning a pet when you have children. And one of the features of owning a pet would be that the pet will die while your kid or your children are still relatively young and that this is a good way to teach them about

death and how we handle that and how we walk through it and how we approach it and look at it. It's a window into what that's like. And it's a vehicle for experiencing that and speaking about it on a level that isn't as severe as they will undoubtedly come into contact with later on in their life. And of course there are all kinds of other positives about owning pets. I'm sure most of you either have pets now or have in the past. I'm

I'm not going go into that, but that reason is it's somewhat dark utilitarian. And it's obviously not the only reason you would ever get a pet, but I found it to make sense. And we and our family have had cats. We also have two dogs right now, which is a newer development, but in the past we've had cats.

And we like cats. know there are some of you listening to this podcast who do not appreciate cats and that's fine. I will not try to convince you that a cat is a good pet. If you don't think so, that's okay. But we've had cats and the family has loved the cats. And when our children were younger, much younger, probably around, I don't know, six or seven, our cat that Heather and I had during our time in the military passed away. It was time for rat bear.

Nole (03:07.682)
was the cat's name. It was time for her to be put to sleep. And so I took the cat took rap air to the vet and and walk through that process. And it was very difficult for me. I had a very emotional response to that. I was very sad. I cried. It was very hard because I love this cat and I knew that my kids loved it and my wife loved it. And we love this cat. It was part of our family. You guys have pets, you have dogs, some of you have cats, you understand. I don't need to expound on that. But it was a difficult thing.

And because they're not here, I can't ask every North if they learn any lessons about death or if they felt more prepared for encountering death later on in life. think, I think that type of lesson isn't the type of thing that's tangible or that you could really track, but, but I know they, they walked through it. They experienced it. They, they followed what was going on, even though they were young, but just a couple of days ago, we,

had to say goodbye to Finn. And Finn has been with us since North and Avery were, I think nine and 10 is when we got Finn. And he has been a great cat. He was a great cat. And he was North's best friend for a long time. Him and North really bonded and they were just, they were just great. They were great together. Finn was an amazing cat and North is a boy. He's a man now.

but he loves animals and he loved Fin.

So a couple of days ago I was on my way home and I had scheduled the time to take vent of the vet and to put him down, say goodbye to him. But on my way home on my drive home, I got the phone call that I was actually not going home and that I was instead going to stay at work. I was getting recalled, force hired.

Nole (05:03.958)
and I was really upset.

getting forced to come back into work when you're expecting to go home is never a great thing. But when you have something like that, that's on the schedule that needs to be taken care of that you as dad need to be a part of taking care of, it's a bummer. But I turned around and I went back to work and I talked to Heather and said, I don't know what we should do. I feel really bad. I think I need to reschedule and Heather

who is wonderful at being mom and taking care of the kids when I'm not home in the house. She said, we can do it. We can take care of it. And Finn is suffering. He's having a hard time and it's time and we shouldn't delay it. And I think that North and I should just take care of it. And for me as dad and as husband, I didn't want that to be the thing.

I wanted to reschedule it, but Heather was right. And I knew in the moment that she absolutely could handle that situation, that there was no reason why I had to be there. Of course they would have preferred that I could be there and be part of it and be there to support and walk them through it. But I knew that Heather was very capable of handling that. And I also knew that North was capable of handling that. And I talked to Kevin about it.

And he reminded me of the episode that we literally just recorded and put out about letting Indigo carry the fries and how we need to let our kids do things like that for their learning and their development. And I mean, Kevin just straight up told me he's like, this is North needing to carry the fries. He's, he's a man now. And this is part of his responsibility as a man you're at work and this needs to be done and he can do it.

Nole (07:08.14)
So they did. They took Finn to the vet and they, said their goodbyes and it was very difficult. It was incredibly emotional. And for me, from a distance, I was very proud of Heather and North for taking care of that, for doing that incredibly difficult thing. And it could have been the type of thing where they both just said, no, we're not going to do it without you. You need to reschedule it, but they took care of it.

And it's very sad and it's very difficult, but it was the thing that needed to happen.

Nole (07:45.674)
And I found myself very conflicted because...

Nole (07:51.008)
I felt bad for Finn. Of course. love animals and I loved Finn. He was a good cat and I'm going to miss having him around and that's tough, but mostly I just felt guilty all day for not being there when my family needed me. And I kind of fought throughout the day, this desire to kind of feel bad for myself.

because I wasn't there because I had to be at work. And then in the midst of those thoughts, just thinking, well, I'm, yeah, I'm not there, but I'm also not there. I'm not experiencing being at the vet, going into the room, hearing about what the process is going to be like, watching the process happen, taking Finn home after he's passed to bury him. I'm not a part of any of that. So I don't really have any, any real cause to be distressed about this.

And Heather, my wife, handled it beautifully. she drove North there, North handled it like a man. did, he did what he needed to do. He was there with Finn right, right up till the end stayed with him. And then Heather drove him home and North had already.

Doug, a little grave for Finn in the woods near our house. He had done it before they left and they all went out together. Avery and Indy participated in this part and they buried him and Heather did that amazingly and made it a memorable and a beautiful experience as much as can be possible with something like that. And North handled himself well and conducted himself well throughout that. And so I'm very proud of both of them.

And it was a reminder to me.

Nole (09:45.558)
of a few things, but I think primarily it was a reminder to me that I don't need to do everything. That in order for things to happen in the context of at the home with the family, it doesn't always have to be me.

that I have the gift of being married to a wonderful woman who's incredibly capable of doing all kinds of things. And in the context of the way that the job works, she handles things a lot of times that I would just by default handle, but I'm not there. So she handles them. And that now I have two adult children in Avery and North who are both capable of doing things like this.

and for whom it's entirely appropriate to start stepping into these roles, these responsibilities.

which is just a continuation of that past episode. This is just a heavier version of it.

So I think for me, that's the biggest lesson. It's just a reminder that.

Nole (10:50.018)
I don't need to do everything. I don't need to be responsible for everything. I need to let those around me, my wife, my adults, children, others, friends, family members, I need to let them.

do what they are capable of doing. And then if I do too much, I'm really stealing from them those opportunities for growth, those opportunities to step into the hard moments and to do them.

I know that North doesn't feel like this right now, or maybe he does. shouldn't say. I I don't know. But I would imagine that he doesn't feel like.

Nole (11:33.218)
there was anything really great about that experience, but really there was a great lesson there and a good practice at being the man and being there in the moment that's so hard that you just want to run away from. You don't want to participate in it at all. And you certainly could do that. You could just not, but there's so many times in life where that's not the right answer.

Nole (11:59.906)
I mean, in the context of taking Finn in and having him put to sleep, you can go to the vet and hand your cat or your dog over and leave and they'll take care of it. And you don't have to be there for any of it. You don't have to be a part of any of it. And I know for some people that's probably the way that they have done it or will do it and to each his own.

But in my opinion for this, this was probably the hardest thing that North has ever done in his life up to this point, but he stuck with it. He went into that room and he was there with his cat who's been his friend since he was nine years old. He was there through the whole thing and that's hard. And it doesn't have to be that way. No one's going to force him to do it. I'm not gonna, Heather wouldn't have, but he chose, he chose to do that. He chose to do the hard thing and Heather.

chose to do the hard thing as well. I offered to reschedule so that she wouldn't have to drive North there and be a part of that as well. And she said, no, for Finn, it needs to happen now. He's hurting. He's in pain. It's not right to make him wait. It's unkind. And so she leaned into that and stepped into that role because I wasn't there. And I know that neither Heather or North hold that against me in any context. They understand the job. They understand

the way it works.

Nole (13:26.909)
So please don't mishear me in stating that as being a negative thing, it's just the nature of the job.

But I'm proud of them both. And I'm proud of Avery and Indy for being a part of the, the burial ceremony afterward, because even for them, they didn't have to do that. They could have stayed in the house and lost themselves in a movie or listening to music and not been a part of that, but they walked through it. They confronted it. They looked at it. They knew what it was. They experienced it. And there are so many experiences in our life that are so similar to that.

Where we go into them knowing that they're going to be hard, knowing that they're going to be difficult and knowing that we don't actually want to do this, but it's the right thing to do. And those are the best moments. Those are the moments where the growth happens, where we prove our love, our loyalty to our friends and family. When we're there for them, when we step into that gap for another person that isn't able to do it, whatever it is, those are the moments. And they're usually tragic and difficult moments.

but that's what shapes our character.

Nole (14:40.785)
That's where we decide who we are, the type of people that we're going to be. I don't know if walking through losing a beloved cat or in the future, a dog, I don't know if that actually prepares you for the eventual death of parents or others that we're super close to. don't know.

But I do know that for a long time, to me, that was just kind of a empty utilitarian strategy.

the type of thing that's easily that's easily said.

And then...

almost impossible to walk through when the reality hits end.

Nole (15:33.319)
I'm just proud of my family and heartbroken for them at the same time. Everyone's sad. It was a very difficult day.

but it was a day that had to happen.

And there will be more days like that in the future. And I can rest easier knowing at a deeper level that Heather North, Avery and Indy can handle those types of things that they're capable of doing that. And if I never let them walk through that type of thing, if I just take every burden by myself, if I handle all the hard things like that for them, then

I will never actually intrinsically know that I might know it, I might believe it, but I'll never actually know it.

Under no circumstances would I have decided to stay away and volunteered and told them they should go do that because they needed to learn the lesson. I never would have done that, but that's what God chose for me that morning when I recalled and I'm upset about it. I'm disappointed that I didn't get to be there. I feel really bad about it still, but I accept it. I don't understand why God did that, but I accept it.

Nole (16:52.743)
So two things, in closing.

One, I want to continue to...

honor my wife and my children, my friends, and allow them to do the hard things for me, with me, alongside me, and not try to protect them from that stuff because they're capable of walking through that and they're designed for it.

Nole (17:21.289)
And so I don't want to be putting other people in a situation where I'm just trying to carry the burden all the time. I need to allow other people, specifically my wife and my kids, my family, my friends into those spaces with me. need to allow them to do those things that they were meant to do and to not try to bear all those burdens by myself in order to protect them. And then secondary to that, when it is my time, when it is your time to walk into that room,

whatever that is, wherever that is, whatever's happening in there. But that room where you know that there's going to be pain and difficulty and sadness and suffering that we do so that we choose to do so for whoever is in that room or for whoever who is coming into that room with us that we are there and that we experienced that and we walk through it because at some point we're all going to be asked to do that. And it's yeah, it's going to be for a pet.

You guys all have cats and dogs and goats and rats and gerbils, whatever you have. I don't know. So yeah, there are going to be those days, but that's not really the point. The point is when it's the other stuff, when it's the family member dying of cancer, when it's your best friend, you got to go, you got to walk into that room and you got to live through that hard moment because it's the right thing to do. And that's who you are. That's

why you were made. That's where God put you in that moment and you got to step into it. Especially when it's the type of moment that's so difficult that no one would blame you. If you chose to, to not go, or maybe they would blame you, but they would never tell it to your face. Those are the moments you will know when they are and you got to show up. You got to walk through it.

Nole (19:26.953)
For you who listen on Spotify, and if you don't, I actually would encourage you to do so. They've got some really good podcasting features over there. But for you that do, I want to make you aware that you can actually comment on episodes over there on Spotify. We see those comments and we can comment back. So if anything strikes you in these episodes, even if you didn't listen to it on Spotify, go over to Spotify, find said episode, and leave us a comment.

comment back and we can have a little dialogue about the episode about things you thought were good, things you thought were bad, stuff you disagree with, clarifications you want, really anything. I think it'd be fun. This is a feature that I recently learned about, and there were quite a few comments in there that I'd never seen because it didn't know it existed, but I have since responded to all of those and I'm ready to respond to more. Kevin and I are ready to respond to more. So go do that. If there was an episode that you found interesting or that you maybe had a question about and you're not in the discord or you just didn't feel like reaching out there.

would be a great place to do it. So go check that out. Thank you again for listening and we'll see you next week.