In this episode, I discuss:
- The distinctions between shame and guilt, tracing their origins from childhood and their impact on adult behaviours.
- Transitioning from shame-inducing to respect-based communication, with practical examples and lived experiences.
- The importance of personal boundaries for maintaining mental hygiene and effectively managing various aspects of life.
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Make sure you listen to the podcasts all the way through to get your discount code.
In this episode, I discuss:
- The distinctions between shame and guilt, tracing their origins from childhood and their impact on adult behaviours.
- Transitioning from shame-inducing to respect-based communication, with practical examples and lived experiences.
- The importance of personal boundaries for maintaining mental hygiene and effectively managing various aspects of life.
INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/coreyboutwell/
FREE Mindset Webinar: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/mindsetupgrade
Join The Community Here: https://www.coreyboutwell.com/communitymembership
Make sure you listen to the podcasts all the way through to get your discount code.
so we're going to be talking about five big ideas from the book facing shame right, and one of the main reasons you want to listen to the most powerful thing about getting into our shame is that, as humans, shame is that emotion that we don't want to feel. Shame is that thing, that's all. There's something wrong with me, as mentioned from the quote at the start, the five big ideas from this is the definition, defining shame versus guilt I'm just getting off my phone so I won't see here Family shame versus respect system. So what happens is why do you do what you do? You react or you get triggered in your relationship. You either scroll on your phone, you eat too much, you get blocked in your business, you're like it's just stagnating and you find yourself getting distracted. It's all going to do with shame.
Speaker 1:I think the root cause of us actually working in a shame and taking it seriously is so incredibly important, but quite commonly we don't and we don't know how to talk about it. So this is going to tell us how it's been instilled into us, because you know, people have like mummy issues and daddy issues, they are working in a child, but all that stuff. It can all kind of come down to shame. It's the reason that shame most of the time comes from us being a child and we don't start working on it until we're older. But we're going to get into it now, right, guys, I'm going to start working on that now, because the quicker we can work and move through, the quicker we can get to our goals. Third thing is the shame model of control and essentially teaches how we go from active abuse and what abuse actually is. Sometimes it's being like quiet, it's not talking to people. We think like, ah, it is that, but it's also avoidance, it's neglect, it is anything that we perceive as abuse, and then we go to recycle to get us towards feeling intimacy. So that's the way to go through.
Speaker 1:The fourth thing, a big idea which I think is real powerful, is the control and release model. So some people save money right, and there's control. Control their whole life, business work, same same same. Then they'll spend all of it on holiday. Some people will be like, nah, I'm quitting drinking for good. It's like cold turkey and they'll do well for six months and then blow out on the weekend. All the drugs and alcohol in the world is that.
Speaker 1:The main problem is the reason that they're trying to control everything in their life quit drinking. Control everything else is a deep sort of deep issue of shame. If you want to be a high performer, if you want to be someone who makes a lot of money and has true impact on the world, you have to be seen. Most of the time You're going to be working in relationships with people. I honestly think the reason the most successful people who are integrated and not ruining all their money blowing out on drugs and alcohol, the ones who have faced their shame and dealt with it, the ones who have faced their shame to deal with it, and that's your job and mission. If you're listening to that, because it's also mine and I'm projecting that onto you intentionally because I want you to be that person, otherwise you would be here listening to my content, right? The release is the phase of when you just blow out, and we want to work on that because it's so powerful.
Speaker 1:And then the fifth thing is boundaries, the implementing and what that looks like, and that's a difference between accountability and speaking and communicating, and accountability and shame. So we're gonna get into them. Absolutely fantastic. So there is like a hundred definitions of shame in here. I'm not actually going to go through. I'm just going to speak from the top of my head.
Speaker 1:So my concept that I got from the book in terms of the definition of shame what is wrong with me? What is wrong with me? And you know you have this because if you're comparing yourself to someone on social media, oh this ain't one with me, I'm not as successful as that person. You compare yourself to your friends oh, there's something wrong with me. How come I don't charge as much as that person? How come I'm not as successful as them? How come I'm not getting as much reach or as love as them? Oh, we should be in a relationship like that.
Speaker 1:But shame, shame, shame, shame. That means that there's something wrong with me. Guilt is I did something that was wrong. So, oh, I spoke to that person in a really bad way. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm just going to apologize to them, right? I regret that. That is guilt. I did something wrong and I feel guilty. Oh, I, you know, forgot to pay at the petrol station and I'm like, oh, I feel so guilty about that, I need to go back and do something right. You know what I mean. So I feel so guilty about that, I need to go back and do something right. You know what I mean. So that's sort of where guilt comes from. Is I've done something wrong? Shame, there's something wrong with me and that's it. Simple, right, big idea Done. You can use that in regards to you know. Any time that you feel triggered about anything, you ask yourself the question do I think that there's something wrong with me? Here is some mindset work and some personal development work for you to go through.
Speaker 1:Number two family shame versus respect system. So this is really cool and we're going to get into a little bit in this one. So all of our shame that we have is a lot of it is used come from our family and how we communicate. So a shame bound families have a shame bound family and respect bound families and what we want to do is remove all that communication to respect that family. If you're an entrepreneur and you've got kid children, you want to be a really good dad. You're gonna be a really good parent. Listen the hell up to this, because this is going to absolutely change your whole mindset.
Speaker 1:So when you have your parents, let's say, for example, you're in the kitchen and you didn't clean up on the kitchen, shame. Comments are what the hell did you do wrong? Like how can the kitchen stop cleaning? You know? I mean, I told you ages ago to clean the kitchen and you still haven't done it. There's something wrong with me. You still haven't done this. Oh, you need to be better. You need that. You need to clean your room more. You need.
Speaker 1:In any uh, in any context is gestalt. Language immediately induces shame. When you say you need to somehow, oh, you need to do this better or you need to do this, that is shame. Any swearing or anything like that in terms of communication is going to make people feel shame and it's uh. And then what also makes people feel shame is not having conversations about something, having an argument at night time. Someone blows up and does something in the morning. Not talk about it. That is shame about family.
Speaker 1:So there's all these different micro ways of communicating which induce shame onto someone. Interesting work and a respect-bound family yeah, and it's like what's wrong with you? Respect-bound family is all based on accountability, not shame. So the communication is like, hey, just keeping you accountable to do the dishes so that someone else does it after you later on. Can't wait for you to do it, but if you don't need to, yeah. But if you run out of time, let me know and I can do it for you. For example, that would be a good way of communicating in shame, keeping people accountable members in your family. It's the same thing that works with children, right?
Speaker 1:A good way to induce shame onto your child is talking put your jumper on, it's going to be cold outside. No, I don't want to hear, come on, put your jumper on. And you just immediately put your jumper on top. That induces shame, when instead, an accountable way is just letting you, just letting you know that when you go outside, you're going to feel cold. Do you like feeling cold? No, I don't like feeling cold. I'm going to encourage you to put your jumper on now, because otherwise you're going to feel cold. So if you put this on, you know that you're not going to feel cold, right? Yeah, absolutely, you go. Cool, doesn't it make sense to put it on now? They go, okay, well, they say no, and then they get outside and then they'll say I'm cold and you go. Well, here's your jumper. Just remember for next time that if you know that you're gonna feel cold, chuck it on first, right? So that is a real good way of communicating instead of just real quick. Let's go here.
Speaker 1:Yes, it takes a couple of sentence extra. Yes, it takes a little bit of of time to communicate it, but that is so much worth doing that, rather than continuing on a cycle of shame because this happens when it happens to people's families and it happens at work. People get into a leadership role. They've got all these little microwaves. How can we didn't do that? Why? Why didn't you do this right and immediately?
Speaker 1:That's these shame inducing questions, um, especially in the tone as well, which can make someone feel terrible and recondition shame on them, which makes them want to blow up and not enjoy their time at work. So that is a difference. How crazy is that? How can you change your language to instead be shame-bound to accountability-bound? This happens with your friends as well, and I'm noticing this more and more often. When I start saying sentences, I'm like, oh, that's shame. When I'm talking to my partner, I'm like, oh, that's shame. When I'm talking to my partner, I'm like, oh, that's shame, like this is so full on of how deeply and granular it's conditioned. Talk to my parents. They're like, wow, this is crazy, especially when they leave things and don't mention anything. Things have been swept under the rug and we're like what's going on here? So that all comes down to the difference between a shame-bound system and a respect-bound system.
Speaker 1:Entrepreneur, you have to know the differences between these so that you don't shame people, because that's what makes a bad leader. They have bad business deals and whatever it is. That also helps you be aware of your own manipulation, because anyone who's extremely successful is aware of their own manipulation and they sometimes manipulate people to start a business with them just because they have the fear and the shame that they can't do it by themselves. Then they have to get into a relationship and they've got to end their business partnership because their partnership didn't work out. This happens all the time. They've got to buy their business partner out 50-70, 200 grand and it's like, wow, what happened here? I wish I didn't do that in the start. But if you can communicate well and you learn that, oh, I did this out of shame, you can communicate that to the partner. I have worked with people where I down, if that's the way to go about it, so fall on right. We want to be respected, accountable. We don't have to be shamed.
Speaker 1:Next one is the shame model of control. So just to refresh my brain, look at this here. So essentially we go through a phase of hot interaction and cool interaction. So you can imagine, hot interaction is like passion, but it's also arguing, yelling, it's some sort of active abuse, physical abuse, all those things. So that is active abuse. Then we have quiet abuse. Right, quite abuse is neglect, like it's just cool, which is on the cool spectrum, spectrum, that's hot. And then there's cool. So in the model we've got quiet, so they're not talking neglect, sweep things under the rug. On the other side, which is more accountable and not as shame-bound, which is working through the control model, is quiet. So which is being quiet, not saying anything, not fully neglect, but it's keeping yourself quiet and cool, being like I'm going to choose when or when not to speak.
Speaker 1:And then you have the intimacy, which is the goal, which is on the hot side. So being able to get around to intimacy, because so many people, especially working, I set the standard like it's a men's personal development for this community. We do do some events and things with women as well, running that, facilitating the workshops and the treats we see so regularly that one of men's biggest fear is intimacy Like big time times, like true, genuine intimacy, even with brothers, which is why men drink so much because they drink, the balls come down, they go. Oh, I can finally uh be intimate with someone, be eating my partner, I can tell my friends and I love them, um, and be seen and be vulnerable, uh, because it's not as scary. And as soon as the drink's gone, like, oh this is really scary, I need to shop uh differently because is scary.
Speaker 1:And that's because they have to go back through all of the abuse models of you know, the quiet abuse and active abuse to allow themselves to feel safe enough to actually feel intimate with someone. Because anytime they've been intimate before in their lives it's been copped with punishment. Or they've tried to be intimate mum, dad, and they got neglected. They're trying to be intimate with friends and they got shut outside the group. Anytime they're outside the group, that isolation involves so much anger in men and they go to like, really do the mindset work to heal that and the embodiment practices right? So thought on how that happens with that model and that's the goal and you can fit yourself in it.
Speaker 1:What's real important is you're right down in the square or in a line abuse, quiet abuse, calm and intimacy and you sort of put yourself okay, what's all the active abuse I experience? What is all the quiet abuse that I've experienced? What is all the calm communication that I've experienced? And then what is the intimacy that I've experienced? And then another line that you go what do I want, right, what do I want out of intimacy? Just that, what does that look like? And then what do I need to do in order to heal that shame so that I can feel that amount of intimacy? Because I believe in true intimacy. We can honestly heal the world. And that's what ambition that I'm on to, especially working with men and their mindsets, and I really help entrepreneurs make way more money and turn ideas into reality, because they remove these blocks out of the way, the fears that hold them back from achieving the next step. And I see it happen, and I see it happen all the time. When they do finally let these walls down or they make the big decision because they're not scared to get outside their comfort zone. It's insane, right, and you can do that too, which is really cool. So that's why that model like writing that down as an exercise so powerful Okay, what's next?
Speaker 1:Control versus release. This is probably my favorite and, I think, the most important in regards to shame and guilt. Right, so there's two phases that most people go through. When they're stuck in the control phase, that looks like their personality type is quite rigid, they're quite controlling, they're chaotic and they're messy and create the illusion that they've got it all together. So they're a little bit manipulative, right, that looks like control phase saving money. That looks like dieting. That looks like restricted gym time. That looks like what else people try to control. That looks like way too much organization within the relationship, unwilling to budge on anything at all. So they're trying to control everything in their life. And then the release phase is spending all their money on holidays, drugs, alcohol. It's any sort of addiction. The release, any addiction or vice that comes up, that is sleeping with too many people being promiscuous. It is cheating on someone. All this release phase if I'm not feeling safe. I've tried to control everything for a while and the more pressure is control, the more that I need to release right in whatever way, shape or form. That it is and personality type that way is.
Speaker 1:People are quite inconspicuous. People are. Commonly they don't follow through with their words so they're less integral. And what happens if they're less like, give a shit attitude and you try to tell, give people advice and they don't really take it on board. And you can tell because they're in the release phase. You can notice this when you think about you, when you finish school and you've seen people that are hurt and they sound like you know young adulthood, like early 20s. You can see people really start to act out, act out in terms of release because they've had some control systems within their family and now they acted out.
Speaker 1:Then what happens is some people make choices where it is entrepreneurship, where it is in a relationship. I can see a lot of men attach their worth to a woman in a relationship and they try to control that. And then what happens is you know they really want sexual release, but then she controls the whole thing. So then that turns to drugs, alcohol, overworking or something like that to compensate for the love that they just want from their partner in the relationship. But they do everything that they can to try to make them happy and they're just releasing all over the place everywhere else or they're just consistently trying to control and what happens is that shame is the fuel to control and release. The bigger the pressure for release, the bigger that they'll need to control.
Speaker 1:So sometimes a real big blowout let's say eating, and they just eat everything under the sun. That's where they come down like I need to control whether they do so much more. I need control, control, control, control, control, control so that I'm able to do all my calories only eat these certain foods. Just do this so that I can lose these. But I'm gonna try to control everything and then during that time, but all I want to do is release, which is why I like bodybuilding and being a professional bodybuilder myself is what I do. It's my hobby, it's not my career move. I think that's my hobby, that I love, and it's literally controlled starvation. So you do this, especially getting like that lean bodybuilding comps. So you have to be really aware of this controlled release phase. And for my last couple of comps, my release phase and for my last couple of comments, my release phase has just been eating really healthy food and I've absolutely nailed it, which means okay, cool, I've got this really healthy relationship with dieting, exercise, nutrition which doesn't come from shame. This is great. It's not like I got there overnight. It's taking me 10 years.
Speaker 1:So, really powerful, like going through this, really, really powerful, how much you can control, how much you can release, and this happens everywhere. Put this up to someone who is trying to work with their money mindset or save money, because a lot of people is like, show me what your relationship to money is like and I'll just show you your whole future, like, show me what that is, I'll be able to completely dissect and look at everything. And it's like the bank accounts that you've got set up where you put things, how much you pay yourself, what you find, uh, restricted over, paying over, or is things actually money sometimes, as people take the holidays, not working, and it's all this different money stuff which is preventing them from having the money that they actually want or living the life that they want. Because some people like money controls them and they can't live the life when they've all they've done is focus, control on money and their release phase is drugs, party, alcohol, whatever it is, and they feel guilty about their partner that they've left at home and they want to open up and have a feel of relationship and have kids and family, but they can't because they don't feel like they can control how they've approached money, finance, career and business and because of that, they shame themselves that I'm not good enough or worthy for my partner. Okay, and their journey is coming back and, you know, being able to accept themselves and love themselves and release their shame and their control in business and money and spending and earning and instead open their hearts to their partner, which is beautiful. A lot of men I work with men, a lot of men over the age of 45 for that. So if there's any entrepreneurs that uh are over 45 and they're working, that's what I would suggest most of them is working on is healing their mindset through that and then also opening up a new relation, because what they most over 45 and they're working that's what I would suggest most of them is working on is healing their mindset through that and then also opening up a generation, because what they most desire is fulfillment, not so much money. They've done the hard yards, they put the stuff in. You may be a little bit younger, but most people are working with that as over 45, everyone else early 20s to 35 ish they're on the hustle train. It's really interesting understanding their mindset when it comes to control beliefs, last one boundaries. This is really cool.
Speaker 1:So imagine you are standing there, okay, and you put a giant zipper around yourself. Well, let's say there's a zip there that you didn't do right and it's just a zipper around yourself and that is essentially your respect line. If your zipper is on the outside and anyone can open it, get in. You've got weak boundaries. You're a guest manager or people pleaser or whatever it is that lets people you know say certain things to you. You don't defend yourself and, as if it's on the outside, people can get in. You're going to experience shame and the goal is for putting boundaries is being able to put the zipper on the inside. So you create your own zipper and you decide who comes in and who doesn't. And that looks like little things, like.
Speaker 1:I remember walking the cafe. It was with my partner and two of our friends, a couple, and there's we had a coffee shop, got a coffee and the guy said, oh, and remember, guys, don't get married. And immediately we said whoa, don't put your shame on me. It was me. And the couple was like yeah, it was his, his partner. She was like whoa, don't say that. And straight away we just put our hands up like this and she's like don't put your shame on me is what we said to the stranger straight away, that is, protecting your boundaries. She's like no, don't get in. And if you go, oh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, I'll think about that. Fair enough, you've just let someone like into your boundaries and this happens all the technology and everything that we need.
Speaker 1:It is so common to cross each other's boundaries so regularly and this conversation is, I believe, turning up, but it still needs to turn up so much more. And the language that people have around boundaries really helps people to reduce mental health illness. Like be done, it's going to create elite mindsets because once your mental health is extremely healthy, you become elite. You become so powerful, you become strong. You're not afraid to speak in front of people, show up on camera or influence people and say what you truly mean and feel and be inspiring, be the person you really want to be, especially around the people that you love or you want to impact. And if you're fearful that someone's going to get in and cross your boundaries, then it's going to be so much more difficult. But if you aren't and you've got techniques and been able to insert your boundaries like a savage, then you get to success so much more quickly, and that's part of shadow work and all the rest of it.
Speaker 1:So some techniques that you can use yes, like, yes, don't put your shadow on me. Or like that's your opinion, not my opinion. Or hey, just letting you know that that is crossing my boundaries. Or just put that I don't like that, I don't like how you talk about that. Just letting you know I love you to give you, but I don't want to talk about that anymore. I need five minutes. All these different little things that you can do to insert a boundary.
Speaker 1:Now it's not just inserting a boundary is the thing. Once you've inserted inserted your boundary, you've got to keep it, which means fighting for it. You have to consistently reinforce that boundary, like if someone you know it could be for you, you might be, really, you might have a big nose. I'm a big on my dad here. I've got a really big nose and he might get to the point where people teasing him about his big nose is frustrating for him and if his friends talk about that and they start, you know, teasing for his big nose and he gets, uh, offended at it. He's like, hey, guys just letting you know and actually starting to offend me and it's making me feel bad and guilty and like it's putting shame on me out of my friends. I don't want you to tease me about my nose anymore and if you do, you're not going to be funny and it gives them a few chances. Hey, just say yeah, that's my boundary teeth, my nose don't like it. Oh so sorry, I forgot. You know what I mean.
Speaker 1:You have to fight that for a long period of time and even when you meet new people on the street, you're like oh, like you know, no, it's no new fatigue. But hey, don't tell me no one knows ever again before someone whoa just show like it actually affects me, so I don't know what you talk about it. They go oh, wow, and it's like that is a really powerful way of communicating about this. There may not be your nose, but it may be conversations that you talk about. It might be how someone talks to you, maybe what they talk about around you, maybe how other people show up around you, maybe how you show up around other people and being able to communicate those and fight for them over a long period of time and being intentional about your boundaries and having some respect for those is, honestly, personal hygiene. You brush your teeth every day. You should be implementing your boundaries every day, especially when they come up.
Speaker 1:So she's going to be a really awesome person, and I just want to just take a moment to think about how many times I've said, especially on this podcast. I've said so many times, but that's essentially it. Guys, if you like this podcast, please give us a follow on or subscribe on youtube or on the podcast. That helps out. Don't miss out. We're creating amazing things all the time in here.
Speaker 1:If you're interested in joining something like the set steady community, you're going to come to one of our retreats, workshop or learn some of this amazing stuff how to implement it, how to integrate it and get coached on it so that you can become an absolute superstar, transform our ideas into reality, make a shitload more money, have a lot more love in your life or actually get jacked right. Um, this is what we do. It's the mindset that removes those blocks. The main thing that we specialize in is helping people achieve success. So that is what we specialize in making big decisions and transforming those ideas in a transitioning period into reality. So you can click one of the links below send a message on Instagram. I'd love to talk to you guys about it. So big love. Hope you guys read this book or take some notes from this. See you.