Stop Speaking Lies Over Yourself, Stepmom. You May Feel Frustrated, But That Doesn't Define You #187

Do you have a WORD BUDGET?  I confess, I would never have thought of such a thing! Tune in to find out why on earth we would need one!

Special Shoutout to my hunka-hunka (I snag a lot of his books to read) and to the author of No Neutral Words; Samuel L. Bierig. I totally savored this book!

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Transcript

187 \\ You are NOT a frustration, Stepmom.  You May Feel Frustrated, But That Doesn't Define You

(Ai transcripting error come with the transcript for free!)

You know when you hear some really, really great news, and you realize you missed it. And you think, oh no. Hey, if you are listening to this on or after release day, which is August 31st, 2023, our inaugural meet and greet inside Jen's community is done. However it isn't the last one as the word inaugural implies, there's going to be another one. 

So stay tuned, keep track of what's happening @coach.jenrogers on Insta, so you can get the latest and the greatest. And of course, keep listening to this podcast and share it with your friends. I am on a mission to reach 12,000 women in 2023. And you know what part of that mission is? It is... implementing something new. 

My goodness, I cannot believe, but this is the last episode in a three-year podcasting journey. I started this podcast in 2020. Hi there. It's Jen, I want to share a couple things with you before we get started today with episode number 187. 

I posted @boldstepmom on Instagram, this message: if you want to review like this one. Wow. Wow. Wow. My stepmom is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration. She is incredible! You'll need to do the work. The question isn't, whether you are capable of being a wealth of knowledge and inspiration. The real question is, are you willing to persevere to regain your power? 

If you are willing, reach out to me @coach.jenrogers on Insta, Find me on Facebook, click one of the links in the show notes, or send me an email at friends@stepfamilypodcast.com. And let me know that you want to be one of the three women taking the open spots for those high achieving women who want to fast track to peace and power in their lives. 

 I will work with you one-on-one to speed up your results and we'll work together as a team of three. Oh, wait, I guess a team of four, because I will be your plus one in that team. I look forward to working with you, if you are ready to take back the power and the joy in your relationships and at home, it is time to get started. Don't wait. And PS, there is no fine print here inside the bold community, although there are a lot of PSsss!

The PS for today is this is an investment in your emotional well-being. And an investment requires commitment, accountability, community, time, money, and work. 

If that's you, if you're ready to feel comfortable in your own home, when the stepkids are with you and feel a genuine bond and love toward them, it is time to enroll. If you're looking for unified parenting and ending the conflict between you and your Hunka-Hunka it is time to enroll. 

If you are struggling with disciplining someone else's children in a way that supports your spouse and his methods, but it doesn't dismiss your own, it is time to enroll. If you're exhausted with all the high conflict and the parental alienation. it is time to enroll. 

If you're struggling with self-pity or jealousy, that is so totally normal, step mama. You are not alone. And it is time to enroll. If you're ready to regain your power, it's time to get started. We're starting in a couple of weeks, so don't wait, it is time to enroll. This is a special opportunity celebrating the three-year anniversary inside the bold community. 

Welcome to the Bold & Blended Stepmoms Podcast!

What is your most precious and powerful tool? 

What if I told you your most precious and powerful tool could propel you out of the pitch you find yourself in, do you think there might be one solution? Or one powerful tool?

Well, the truth is yes and no. The one solution you might guess is Jesus. It's an all-empowering answer to be sure. So let's start off by saying everything we do here in the bold community is created with that truth, that Jesus is the answer, And we take that and we ask, how do I apply that truth in my family? How do I apply what I know about who Jesus is and who Jesus calls me to be to create peace and joy and harmony in my blended family? How do I use that information to become empowered to understand that if I truly believe that the Holy Spirit is within me, what does my fruit of the spirit look like? Where am I drawing my power from? Okay. So we know the answer is Jesus. Now let's ask this question more generally. And yet specifically at the same time. How does this apply to me? 

Back to that most precious and powerful tool. According to Samuel Bierig. The author of No Neutral Words, words are our most precious and powerful tool. And here's the really cool thing. We know that John says in the beginning was the word and the word was with God and the word was God. So see right back there, we take it back to Jesus. That Jesus is the answer.

After listening to today's episode number 187 of the Bold & Blended Stepmoms Podcast, you'll walk away, equipped to discern your own communication patterns and assess whether they are giving life or giving the opposite thereof. Death. According to God's word. Are you in? Are you ready to get equipped? 

This is our last episode in the month of August. It also winds down our targeted episodes on boundaries. What is the boundary for today? Erecting boundaries around our speech. Are you ready? Let's get to it. Hey, there I am. Your hostess with the mostest Jen Rogers and you are listening to the bold and blended step-mom's podcast. I am honored, honored, honored to be in your earbuds today. Thanks for pressing the play button. Let's get to it.

Have you ever felt like you're the wrong person for the job?

You're not alone. 

Have you ever just wanted to quit? 

You are not alone. 

Have you ever felt as though you're woefully short on patience and exasperated with your situation? 

You are not alone. 

Do you focus on your failures and berate yourself for inconsistencies vacillating, between conviction and shame? 

You are not alone.

You know when you read something and you get a new perspective, that's exactly what I walked away with after reading this book by Samuel Bierig. 

What Samuel does is he asks the question essentially; do you have a word budget? Now, I know we've heard a lot about financial budgets and time budgets, but I don't know. In fact, I actually do know, I have never thought about having a word budget. Now I've thought about it in the expression and the thoughts of maybe I ought to zip it. But I have not thought about having a word budget and as a woman, I just want to say that's no small request. But we are going to cover that today. We are going to cover exactly how we can be aware of the words that we are using by the position that we're choosing. And what we choose is really steeped on what's in our inner core. A lot of times you'll hear people express that as their values or what they believe in or what they treasure the most. 

Jesus tells us in Matthew 12:34, that out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks. We also read in Proverbs 18:21, that death and life are in the power of the tongue. And those who love it will eat its fruits. So, what is the fruit that you are offering up with your word budget? All right, sister, friend, let's get into what you can do with your most precious and powerful tool. And yep! Yep! I will be challenging you to think about what your word budget might look like.

Intro & Heads up to The Empowered Stepmom!

When I first remarried, I was shocked at how quickly my excitement for our starry-eyed love affair got sucked into a very dark black hole of chaos. 

Confusion reigned. My anxiety grew and all those things I thought I learned in my first marriage – they seemed useless and wasted. Resentment simmered, and then boiled over. On the brink of another failing marriage,

I knew I had to decide to fight for my marriage God's way. I stopped focusing on all the things I couldn't control. I reclaimed my confidence as a high achieving woman and learned how to use my influence to create the family environment I craved, one small change at a time. I let go of one of my biggest fears that the stepfamily battles would never end.

Now I'm on a mission to help you do the same. If you're ready to stop chasing perfection in your stepfamily, end the exhaustion of blending, and finally get the answers you need so you can be heard, respected, and loved in your blended family, this podcast is for you. God sees you Stepmama, and he says, "You are very good indeed!"

Get comfy in this sacred space. It's time to create the family life you've been craving, one small step at a time. It all starts with you. All right; let's get to it! 

You are listening to the Bold and Blended Stepmoms podcast. I'm Jen Rogers, your host, chief encourager, and new Stepmama friend, and I can't wait to get started. I pray today's episode blesses you, encourages you, and uplifts you. And most of all, I pray that you know you are not alone.

All right. This book, no neutral words. It is challenging for me. And the reason it is challenging is because I'm the first one who would say to you, that words are neutral. And what makes them not so neutral? What makes them filled with life? Joy happiness or filled with death and sadness and resentment or bitterness is the tone and the feeling that we associate with them. 

If you have been in the bold community for one hot second, you'll know that I like to give it to you straight. And that's what I certainly appreciate about the author of this book. He gives it to you straight and chapter five. This is where I'm going to draw from his stance that there are no neutral words. And he says you are delusional if you think you'll remedy your verbal mango in a short time. 

Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful verbal mangle. Those are two words that I have never strung together before episode number 187! How about you? Have you strung those two words together? Listen, you are delusional if you think you'll remedy your verbal mangle in a short time means that it's a pretty big stretch, to say that I am automatically going to shut off those habits that create an angst in my life.

So let's be realistic here.
 
The first step in solving a problem is identifying that it exists to begin with. So the first step for us is to ask, okay, how are we speaking life in to our families and not just into our families, but into our own selves. What are we speaking over ourselves? Hey, when we recently had the meet and greet this week, one of the exercises that we did,. I was the, I am statements and we gave examples of, I am a fruit or a vehicle and a few other things. 

The purpose behind it was not to say that we are an apple, for example. But to understand how the words that we speak over ourselves are powerful. To understand that when we say I am a woman after God's own heart, that means that there will be actions that line up. With that statement. Uh, those I am statements are incredibly powerful. Even when your feelings don't line up with. The I am the, I am statements are powerful. And this is where the power or the empowerment, if you will, of affirmations come into play. And as I said the other night, I'll say it again here I am not some woo. Woo. Woo. Um, spirituality kind of the universe is going to solve it all for you. In fact, I'm quite the opposite of that. That that's foolishness. The world does not know God. And the woo is not God. The Wu is woo. God says that we must know him. That we must understand that without him, we are absolutely nothing. He is the great I am. And the fact that he's a great, I am, can bring us comfort and joy and relief truly because we are made in his image. So every single time you speak those words, I am over yourself. You are declaring a truth over yourself. So when you say I am frustrated, I am angry. I am perplexed. 

I am about to lose my mind. Those are states of being, and instead we want to take those expressions and we want to flip those around. And declare truth over ourselves. So even though you may be experiencing frustration, you are not frustration. You are in a situation that is frustrating for you. And you are, so I am a daughter of the king, I am created in God's image. And therefore that means that he has given me what I need to work through this temptation to speak poorly over this person or over myself or over the situation. He has empowered me to look beyond the situation to say that he strengthens me, even though I'm experiencing frustration. 

I am not frustration. I am notangry. I am not perplexed. These things are emotions and strong sensations that I am experiencing. However they do not define me. God defines me. And I realize it's a small shift, but when you make this small shift, those words, those are empowering words. When you say I am capable; even though I may not have the answer right now. So now I am about to lose my mind. But even though it feels mind blowing, I am capable. Even though I may not have the answer right now, I know that I can move closer to the answer. I knew I can move closer to the decision. I want to encourage you to take a moment to think about the "I AM" statements you are speaking over yourself. This has been a hot topic! God's been working with me on this over the last few weeks, and it's come out in the coaching sessions with the women because it's so powerful.

Jen: All right. That was my take on verbal mangle. The authors take invites us to think about three questions. Number one. Is my conscience bothered by what I am about to say, or by what I just said. Number two. What is my ultimate motive behind what I am about to say or what I just said. And number three, what is the context in which I am about to say, or just said this or that thing? 

 , I certainly agree with Samuel that there is no silver bullet when it comes to discerning or overturning a pattern of destructive talk in your life. And that's where these three points come into play.

I promised you in the beginning of this episode, that you would walk away equipped to discern your own communication patterns. These three questions do just that. Let me recap the three questions and then let's make them practical. Shall we?

 Okay, real quick to recap those three things. When I am about to say something, or I've just said something is my conscience bothered? What is my ultimate motive? And what is the context? And let's make this real for us as women in our families.

 let's start with the first one is my conscience bothered? You know, when you feel that pit in the middle of your stomach and not because the sushi you ate was a tad bit out of season? You've got a visceral or physical reaction to the words that have escaped you. That pit is your conscience. As women after God's own heart, our conscience is shaped by the time we spend in God's word. And by the time that we spend in his presence, which sometimes means praying while we're folding the laundry, driving the car swiffering the floor or changing the baby's diaper. 

To assess whether or not your conscience is bothered, let's narrow it down to one person in your family. I know you may be struggling with a difficult teen right now. If that's the case, think about your step teen. Next, give yourself permission to be curious. Remember that is definitely the bold theme for 2023! In this heightened state of curiosity, there is no judgment. Instead we focus on how and what questions. So let's say you've got the pit in your stomach after an interaction with your teen. Rewind the tape a bit. What happened before you spoke? What were you thinking? How much time did you give yourself to pause before speaking? How much time in advance did you prepare for this conversation? How often do you pray for God to anoint your conversations? 

 As you reflect on these questions, jot down your thoughts in your journal. Then ask yourself this question. What is one thing I can do in the next 24 hours to move forward? If it's okay with you, I came up with a few examples. Here are some of them. One: do you sense your conscience directing you to repent and seek forgiveness from God and from your step teen? Two: Do you want to spend five targeted minutes in prayer each morning, first, thanking God for entrusting this kiddo to you? and then ask that he blessed your interactions. Or you could think about a date with your team. What would that look like? Doing something that they like to do, even if you will. Let's be honest, even if you hate it doing something they like to do. If you want more ideas on how to connect with your teen, check out episode #128 with Cheyanne Cleyman. She's got a powerful testimony of connection after rejection with her stepdaughter, Billie. Okay. So that was assessing our conscience. Let's move on to the next one.

All right. The next one is motive. What is our motive in saying what we were saying? 

A lot of times people will say I am a good person. And yet we know what scripture says, who we are without Jesus. And it starts in the beginning way back in Genesis six. We are reminded that the Lord saw that the wickedness of man was great upon the earth and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart. Was all together evil all the time. Aren't you glad that Jesus came to save us? I sure am.

All right, let's keep going. When we ask ourselves, what is our motive? It's important to understand how we define motive. It's our reason for doing something, but there's a catch The reason is especially hidden or not obvious. So we have a reason for doing something, but a lot of times we hide the truth from ourselves. Can I get an amen? Okay. Assess our motive. This is another opportunity for you to put more ink on the pages of your journal. Take a few minutes to think about your motive and then come on back when you're ready.

All right. The last area is context and the easiest example that comes to mind for me is this. That when I am having a coaching session with a client. There are certain things that are going to come out, that the ,client is going to share because the place is safe. And the conversation is in the context of the client is wanting to move from where they are to the vision that they have to where they want to be. And sometimes, it takes a little bit more time to figure out exactly what that's going to look like. When I'm working with step-mom's, there's a lot of angst and a lot of hurt that is a part of the coaching conversation. And having that conversation, sharing those things in that context is not sinning. The author makes a distinction between a righteous context and an unrighteous context. So with the client and the coach, that would be a righteous context. 

And unrighteous context might be firing off some, not so nice things on social media, on all the platforms all day long. Okay. So the context is important in what you're saying. how strong is that relationship? Do you need to be more aware of certain things that might trigger the other person. And it's not the walking on eggshells, although we know that there can be a lot of that, especially when we first blend, but instead of framing it as walking on eggshells, what if we're taking extra time to be tactical? To be kind, to be generous, to have compassion, to demonstrate the fruit of the spirit when we are in conversation with this person. So what is the context that you're having this conversation with?

 Okay. We've applied three examples to everyday life. What is the purpose of asking these three questions?

I agree with the author on this one, he says that discerning your conscience, motives and context is vital for speaking life-giving words, and the better you are at informing and responding to your conscience, being aware of your motives and knowing your responsibility to your given context, the more helpful and healing your words will become. And the bonus is: you will save a thousand confessions and pains.

As I reflect on what I have shared in this episode, I'm chuckling a little bit, because I remember the author saying that we are delusional if we think we're going to solve this lickety split. I think I would thoroughly enjoy a conversation with Samuel Bierig because I think we would do some word sparring and I rather enjoy that. Listen, we are not delusional here in the Bold & Blended Stepmoms community. 

In fact, we are laser focused on applying biblical principles in our families. 

 Thank you so much for keeping me in your earbuds today. It is such a pleasure to spend time with you. Hey, if you found today's episode helpful, would you help spread the word? Share it with a friend, and if you're feeling extra gracious today, would you consider leaving a five-star review on apple podcasts? Each review we receive lifts the podcast up in the ratings so more stepmoms can find us. And as you know, I am on a mission to reach 12,000 women in 2023.

I want to share this review from Jessica Stetser with you. It made my heart so happy and she happens to be one of the many women who are listening, who are not stepmoms because truly if we are women after God's own heart, We are all women in his word and wanting to apply biblical principles in our family. So I'm so honored and excited to read this review and know that it is impacting not only stepmoms, but other women as well. So Jessica says, wow. Wow. Wow. Jen is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration. And then she says, holy moly. And I, I, well, I just love that. So she says, holy moly, this podcast is incredible. Well, holy moly, Jessica, this review is incredible. I'm not actually a stepmom, but still found this information so unbelievably motivating, applicable, and useful. Thank you for this fantastic resource. Your voice is making a difference. 

Now, you know, when I was a kid in school, I used to get in trouble all the time because I talked all the time. It turned out, I think they may have been stifling my gift. So here it is. I am bold with my voice, sharing it with the world, encouraging stepmoms throughout the world, because we definitely are committed to preventing generational re divorce. The force and for step mamas to get their joy back. If you have lost your joy and you feel like all of the power has been sucked out of your household. SIS, it's probably time to come work together. I am looking for three high achieving women to say yes to an intimate small cohort where we work together one-on-one to get you results fast. So you can take back the peace, the power, and the joy in your relationships and at home. There's a short application process. So be sure to get your application in soon because the cohort is starting in a couple of weeks. Click on the link in the show notes to apply. All right, sweet woman that's going to do it. I'm your host, Jen Rogers. And I will catch you next week. God bless you.