Time To Simplify
Jen Rogers | Creator of the 90-Day Sprint | Certified Coach | Keynote Speaker
I help startup Christian entrepreneurs leverage resources so they can stop running around with their hair on fire and have time for the people, places + play they treasure most.
The Hidden Costs of Addiction: Business Downfall and Relationship Strain, Part 1 | Featuring Logan Hufford | #233
Part 2️⃣Here
[00:00:00] Jen: Here's a twist to today's episode.
[00:00:02] Jen: I actually have three twists. So heads-up twist number one. This episode is a two part episode. Twist number two, this episode is not for little ears.
[00:00:14] Jen: If you're in a space where it's not an appropriate place for an adult conversation, save this episode for later. And twist number three, this episode
[00:00:25] Jen: It's unlike any episode I've ever done.
[00:00:29] Jen: you ready to dive in?
[00:00:30] Jen: Let's uncover these three twists in today's episode together.
What challenges are you facing right now in your relationships? Some things are likely surface level. If you were to go deeper, what's underneath the surface level skirmishes? Perhaps you're experiencing the very thing my next guest shares in the first part of today's interview. And ultimatum. Have you ever given someone you love and ultimatum to shape up or ship out? Perhaps you've been on the receiving end of one.
[00:01:07] Jen: That ultimatum is more than a proverbial line drawn in the sand. And if it's a relational ultimatum, the fork in the road where either choice requires intensive work, humility, forgiveness, and reconciliation. It's not bound by a particular timeframe or some five steps to a better you. The key to choosing the fork lies in the call of Jesus. As you reflect on your own relational decision, what fork is the one to take that will draw you closer to God and that special someone you love? If you've been hurt in an abusive relationship today's episode may unearth deep wounds. If you're not emotionally and spiritually in a space for reflection, skip this interview and
[00:01:56] Jen: come back for episode number 235. Where you will learn how to navigate a pivot in your business.
[00:02:03] Jen: When you've been abused, a piece of you has been crushed. In my own experience, hearing someone else's story creates flashbacks to old hurts. It sometimes seems as if you'll spend a lifetime of re forgiving and re forgetting. If you're struggling right now in an abusive relationship, I pray, God strengthened you to reach out to a mentor or friend to seek professional guidance on your next steps.
[00:02:29] Jen: You are worthy of love and protection. I exhort you to get help now. If you're facing the fallout from sexual addiction, there'll be links in the show notes to get you started, where you can connect with Logan and his wife, Carrie.
[00:02:43] Jen: When you take a time out from building landing pages, crafting your next live launch, generating social posts, recording episodes, and emailing your list, you take a time in for the very life you want to create through owning your business.
[00:02:58] Jen: Your business is only one part of what you do. It is not who you are. It may be a passion and a what you love, but it is not a who you love. We've got to pay attention to the who's in our lives. I pray Logan's story of addiction, recovery, and his work as a mentor to lead others to sobriety, will stir you to ask yourself powerful questions about how you are showing up for your family. Not with guilt, but with curiosity and hope, the same hope Logan shares when he chose the hard fork in the road to seek help to recover from his sexual addiction and emotional abusing of his family through his choices.
[00:03:40] Jen: Meet Logan Hufford, a recovered sexual addict who hit rock bottom and shares this about the darkest period of his addiction.
[00:03:47] Logan Hufford: And so I remember when I was 23 years old, 2013, I would lay in bed and just wonder God, why did you create me?
[00:03:56] Logan Hufford: Why would you put me on this earth when all I do is hurt people?I don't [00:04:00] know if it's accurate to say it was self talk. I hated the fact that I was a dad, not because of my kids, but because my kids had me. I hated the fact that I was a husband, not because of my wife she was an incredible wife. But because she had me, I hated the fact that I was alive, not because I had such terrible, external things, but because I all I did seemingly was hurt people.
[00:04:27] Jen: Since 2016 Logan Hufford and his wife Carrie are no longer in bondage. Logan is sober. And no longer in bondage to porn, affairs, and hiring prostitutes. He's no longer in bondage to sexual addiction. And now he's on a mission to give back and mentor others to climb up from the bottom of the pit and experience the blessings of sobriety. This episode is not typical of what we usually cover.
[00:04:55] Jen: Running your online business, launching a podcast, or getting really clear on creating your [00:05:00] business plan. Yet it is absolutely necessary and aligned with the mission of Time To Simplify. Entrepreneurship is only one aspect of the whole you. Successful entrepreneurs learn and practice the meeting each area of our lives to the Lord. It’s an ongoing refinement, sanctification and beginning anew, when we find ourselves at rock bottom. If your relationship with the Lord is misaligned, you will experience misalignment in your business and in your relationships. This break from the normal content is designed to give you hope,
[00:05:35] Jen: And inspire you to erect boundaries for your business so you can be fully present with your family. If you're at the crossroads of an ultimatum, this interview with Logan will remind you of the goodness and grace found at the foot of the cross.
[00:05:50] Jen: Hey there! I'm Jen Rogers host of Time To Simplify the podcast created and crafted for Christian women entrepreneurs who want to launch their business, without running [00:06:00] around with their hair on fire, leveraging resources to avoid all the tech overwhelm, confusion with marketing tactics and the high risk of burning out just as Logan experienced addiction to sex, we can become addicted to our businesses, which leads to neglecting relationships God has entrusted to us.
[00:06:19] Jen: When I first launched, I made so many mistakes. I spent way too much money and far too much time struggling to make it. It cost me relationships because I didn't have boundaries to protect my time. Some of those relationships are just beginning to heal years later. Why? You know why. Restoring trust through being present takes time. Perseverance and humility.
[00:06:46] Jen: Here are three important aspects of my mission in serving you. One, you don't need to buy all the things. I'll guide you so you can have confidence about where to invest and when to keep your money stashed for a better investment down the [00:07:00] road. Two. I'll invite you to bet on you! To go all in on the calling. God has entrusted to you by investing in me as your mentor coach. Whether you want to launch a podcast, gain clarity in your business or pivot to a new thing, I believe in you. You can do this. Maybe not the exhaustive way you're practicing right now, but you can do this without burning out and sabotaging your relationships. And three, you can build an infrastructure for your business that nurtures your clients, fulfills you and keeps you fully present in your relationships.
[00:07:37] Jen: If you want to learn more about how much you can accomplish in a short 90 day sprint with me, I invite you to head on over to coachjenrogers.com/VIPCoach
[00:07:50] Jen: Welcome to episode number 233 of Time To Simplify. I'm so grateful. You're here with me on this entrepreneurial rollercoaster ride of sanctification [00:08:00] and grace. Remember this episode is for adults, not for littles.
[00:08:04] Jen Rogers: So go back to 2013 ish. I'll give you an ish because I know years run together.
[00:08:11] Jen Rogers: So around 2013, how did you talk to yourself? What was your self talk?
[00:08:16] Logan Hufford: It's funny. you arbitrarily pick 2013. Cause that is pretty much, that's like the, that is it's arbitrary, but that's the year or as I was born in 90. So 23 is the arbitrary age that I'll pick out when I'm talking about the darkest.
[00:08:30] Logan Hufford: period of my life. And it wasn't one year. It was a several year period, but it was, cause by this point I'd already been married for a couple of years. I got married when I was 20. I, we already had kids because we had our first boy 11 months after we got married. So when I was 23, I'd been married for a few years.
[00:08:49] Logan Hufford: We've had a couple of kids already, and I've had multiple sexual affairs. I've had years of this double life, years of compulsive porn use.I'd [00:09:00] already started hiring prostitutes. I'd already started using phone sex lines and just this, I had a huge sports gambling addiction. So in that time, my self talk, the first thing that comes to mind is not self talk, but I think it's relevant.
[00:09:14] Logan Hufford: so I've always believed in God. I've always believed in the existence of God, believed in the fact that the Bible is true, believed that Jesus died for our sins. But I never had an intimate relationship with my Savior, with the Creator. And so I remember when I was 23 years old, 2013, I would lay in bed and just wonder God, why did you create me?
[00:09:37] Logan Hufford: Why would you put me on this earth when all I do is hurt people?I don't know if it's accurate to say it was self talk. I hated the fact that I was a dad, not because of my kids, but because my kids had me. I hated the fact that I was a husband, not because of my wife, she was an incredible wife. But because she had me, I hated the fact that I [00:10:00] was alive, not because I had such terrible, external things, but because I all I did seemingly was hurt people.
[00:10:08] Logan Hufford: so I don't even I'm trying to answer your question, literally and honestly I don't even know how much self-talk there was because I did not want to talk to myself. I did not want to acknowledge myself. I remember, uh, a Chris Herron, is a Boston Celtics player and he's got an incredible story.
[00:10:25] Logan Hufford: And I've got a DVD that I watch every so often. I love his stories. Christian athlete that had incredible, drug abuse story. And he gives it, he talks about how he would brush his teeth in the shower. Cause he couldn't look at himself in the mirror and I didn't have that exact same experience, but that same type of thing, the idea of looking at myself, the idea of thinking about myself, like looking at a family photo, looking at a Christmas photo.
[00:10:57] Logan Hufford: It was like, just filled me with disgust. [00:11:00] Cause I know everyone else is seeing this little white picket fence family where this nice little family and I don't have track. It's on my arm. I don't smell like alcohol, right? I don't have, things on my record, but I'm this stinking, no good, this is my mindset, stinking, no good addict, deadbeat dad, deadbeat husband, just monster.
[00:11:27] Logan Hufford: which is a heck of a way to live. and yet that's where I was at for so many years.
[00:11:32] Jen Rogers: What do you think your wife was? What was her self-talk?
[00:11:36] Logan Hufford: So when I go on podcasts and talk about this stuff, obviously, my wife comes up and her story is so powerful. When I share her side of things, I always emphasize, I'm not going to speculate.
[00:11:49] Logan Hufford: I'm going to share things that have come out of her mouth that she will openly say in her testimony. So I don't necessarily, I can't answer that question completely in terms of her self-talk, [00:12:00] but I will say I know where she was. Which was she was in survival mode. She's got, she's a stay-at-home mom. she's always been a stay-at-home mom and we've got four boys and they're born inside of five years.
[00:12:13] Logan Hufford: so during the height of all of this or the low, there was another way to look at it. she's changing diapers, she's trying to figure out what to cook for dinner. She's, as it got a little bit later, prepping for homeschool and she's got her husband. sneaking off in the bathroom to look at porn for an hour.
[00:12:29] Logan Hufford: She's got her husband coming home late from work because he was, with another woman, and building up some lie. She's got her husband. maybe I'm at home it's my day off and I'm just withdrawn and isolated because I can't bear to look at my family in the eye, so she was in survival mode and she had no freaking clue how to respond to any of this.
[00:12:50] Logan Hufford: and that's why, when she gave me that ultimatum, I cannot help but just look at her and look at God with complete adoration [00:13:00] because she had no formal training. She had never been to a recovery group. She had never been to a therapist. For her to stand up to her abuser in that way and say, I can't control what you do, but I can control how I respond.
[00:13:12] Logan Hufford: that was nothing except for the Holy Spirit working through her. She didn't know what to do. and yet God gave her that strength in that moment. And then of course God did, flood her with resources and people that would help her with her betrayal trauma healing journey. but yeah, in terms of where she was, the best way to put it is she was in a place of survival mode.
[00:13:31] Logan Hufford: She was in a place of brokenness and, as she would say, growing numbness, as the years went on and these confessions without changed behavior. Just continue to rack up, no, no repentance, right? No, no healthy behavioral change. Just, I'm so sorry. I'll never do it again. She grew more and more cold, more and more numb to these confessions as a, as like a survival instinct, [00:14:00]
[00:14:00] Jen Rogers: what do you want your kids to say about your marriage?
[00:14:05] Logan Hufford: I want my kids to say, to understand that mom and dad, they value intimacy with each other. to a very high degree. second to the relationship with Christ. And I'll be honest, sometimes I struggle with that, in terms of remembering to put God before Carrie, before our marriage. I want our kids to go mom and dad.
[00:14:31] Logan Hufford: Yeah, they're not perfect, but they work on their stuff. They own their stuff. They do not let a wall of resentment build up between them.th they move towards each other when in good times and in bad times, in stressful times, that they're a team that reconciliation. I want them to see reconciliation as, one of the biggest traits of our marriage, of our family.
[00:14:57] Jen Rogers: How concerned are you about [00:15:00] your children's exposure to pornography? What would you say about that?
[00:15:03]
[00:15:03] Logan Hufford: definitely very concerned. and honestly, it’s a scary topic. It's a very overwhelming one. It’s something where I feel pretty darn equipped. To work with a guy who's let's, you know, in recovery, the avatar, of the guy in recovery would be, okay, let's say he's a 40 year old dude.
[00:15:26] Logan Hufford: He's been married for 12 years. He struggled with porn addiction and he's had affairs and he's desperate and he doesn't know how the heck to stop. I feel pretty darn equipped to talk with that guy, to work with that guy, to help that guy have tools, to build accountability with him. I'm not saying that I don't feel equipped at all as a dad, but I recognize, I, I don't have years of experience and expertise working with 12-year-olds, working with 10 year olds, and that's what my boys are.
[00:15:53] Logan Hufford: They're 12, 11, 10 and eight. So the number one thing that my wife and I focus on [00:16:00] is keeping those lines of communication open always, as best as we can. not ever discouraging them from asking any question from bringing any topic up. and focusing on the number 1 thing that we should be doing with other humans is being loving to them.
[00:16:18] Logan Hufford: And that can look lots of ways. when you're little and you're four years old and you're playing in the sandbox, okay, don't take the toy from Susie and don't hit your brother on the head. and then my hope, my desire, my intentionality is as they're 13, they're 14, they're 15 and they've got a crush or they've got a girlfriend
[00:16:38] Logan Hufford: are you loving that person the way that Jesus loved people? and that, of course, that might sound really idealistic and unrealistic, but I think as a starting point as the lens to view things, that's, that would be, that, that's my number one goal is to help them see the world through that filter.
[00:16:58] Jen Rogers: A lot of [00:17:00] times after there's been an infidelity in a relationship, there's a recovery and the forgiveness. And then months or years go by and there's a trigger; there's a statement made by the person who was on the receiving end of the infidelity that goes back in time. Have you ever experienced that?
[00:17:20] Logan Hufford: Yeah. So as far as Carrie being triggered and then you said going back in time. I. And I love that because, I guess I'll circle back to that, during the lowest of the low, during the most that I was acting out in all these different ways.
[00:17:37] Logan Hufford: So not just pornography, but also with real people, also hiring prostitutes, all this stuff. I was a car salesman for six years at the same dealership. And. Most of the people that I was acting out with were women who I was selling cars to. That was not exclusively, but that was primarily the, and I use very frank [00:18:00] terms that the people that I was preying on, because that's what I was, I trained myself to be a predator.
[00:18:04] Jen Rogers: I knew that some used car salesmen, they don't have a great reputation, but I hadn't really connected that part of it to it. and
[00:18:11] Logan Hufford: here's the, here's, so you're talking about cognitive dissonance. So during this whole time, I would have called myself a Christian. I'm going to church. I would, have a Facebook post about the evils of abortion and, get in debates with my coworkers about, atheism.
[00:18:27] Logan Hufford: And it's I believed these things. And yet I'm also sneaking off to the bathroom to look at porn. I'm, carrying on all kinds of inappropriate texting conversations with women and on some level feeling bad about it, but still doing it. and also I always held myself to a very high standard of integrity when it came to how I dealt with my customers, which is a crazy statement.
[00:18:50] Logan Hufford: But I had this complete compartmentalization, to the 10th power, right? Where it's I'm going to, if I'm selling you a used vehicle and okay, there is this known issue. I'm going to be very clear about [00:19:00] this. I recognize like. I'm open about my faith and I'm open about, a family guy.
[00:19:05] Logan Hufford: And so I, I’m not going to try to sneak anything past you. And I held to that. And I also sought out affairs with women, with most women that were in my path that, that seemed approachable. So, it was just, yeah, the ways that I would go through life with this double life is, was so extreme.
[00:19:22] Logan Hufford: But, um, six years. And when I got into recovery, it was a basically a voluntary house arrest program. And I didn't have to change jobs. A lot of guys are required to change jobs. Because depending on what their field is and that kind of thing, thankfully I got, I got a job offer to move into management at a different store in a different city, an hour away.
[00:19:48] Logan Hufford: And that was a really good move. It was a very different environment, much more family friendly environment. And so I was able to, I changed jobs just a couple months after getting into recovery, but driving past that dealership. when [00:20:00] you drive into Anchorage, it's the Dodge dealership on fifth Avenue.
[00:20:02] Logan Hufford: it's right there. And Carrie, she physically, could barely stand to drive past that store. there's another store where I had an affair with a sales lady at a different dealership, same exact thing, Carrie could barely stand driving past that store. that was a really long way of answering your question.
[00:20:24] Logan Hufford: Cause there was actually a moment and I don't remember if it was, Maybe a year in. It wasn't like when we first started going. It was, we'd been going for a while. We've been having some traction. It might have been even a couple years into recovery. And Carrie drove past the Dodge dealership because we're meeting up to go to do a family event;
[00:20:44] Logan Hufford: she had an anxiety attack worse than anything she's ever had. She's got a couple uncles that have like really bad, completely crippling anxiety attacks. and that happened to her and again, survival instinct. She's got her kids in the back of the minivan. She did [00:21:00] everything she could to get herself together, keep driving, get to the destination.
[00:21:04] Logan Hufford: what that did though, was that reinforced recovery for herself was non negotiable. The thing that you said that really sparked something in me, you said going back in time because so Carrie now leads a group for, sexual betrayal, trauma for women. And we talked about this all the time.
[00:21:24] Logan Hufford: I work with guys struggling with sexual addiction. She works with women is often it's very common that a woman who has been betrayed in this way who has been abused in this way who has suffered in this way goes, Hey, like you, you get your crap together. I didn't cheat on us. I wasn't the one looking at porn.
[00:21:40] Logan Hufford: I didn't hire a prostitute. I don't need to be spending hours of my week going to a recovery group, working on myself, working on, going to a therapist, doing homework, and it's yeah, it's not fair. It's not your fault. But Carrie recognized it was as if she, as if she got stabbed and left.
[00:21:59] Logan Hufford: on [00:22:00] the street across from a hospital, she could say, I didn't choose to get stabbed. I didn't cause this. This is not my fault. Screw him. He can go work on his stuff. I don't need to do anything. Or she could go. I need to get to the hospital.
[00:22:14] Logan Hufford: And it's sometimes I feel really awkward, for saying stuff like that because I like in my past I was the perpetrator. And I get that. right now, Carrie's not wanting to go on podcast just as far as time and energy.
[00:22:27] Logan Hufford: If she was, of course she would be speaking this piece. but we see it all the time where a woman chooses not to seek after healing because it's not her fault. And she becomes frozen in time. She is forever the scarred victim, the betrayed spouse. And it's heartbreaking, for herself, for the marriage, for the kids, the family.
[00:22:49] Logan Hufford: and it, of course, it's a very touchy thing. It’s one thing to try to encourage a guy who has an addiction, Hey, man, stick with it. you get your butt in recovery, get your butt to a meeting. [00:23:00] Even then, of course, I can't control him. I can't control what he does, but I don't mind putting my thumb on him.
[00:23:05] Logan Hufford: Carrie would tell you like it's a different thing with a spouse. it is something where we have seen countless examples both ways. We've seen countless examples of women who have gone the route that. By God's grace, that Carrie went, my mentor's wife, Rick and Patty, she went that route where they, yeah, it wasn't their fault, but they dove completely into recovery.
[00:23:28] Logan Hufford: They dove into healing. And here's a really important part. Carrie didn't jump into recovery with both feet to save the marriage. She dove into recovery because she recognized that she had a lot of brokenness and it wasn't self-inflicted. But she still had brokenness nonetheless. And so she chose to go across the street to that hospital, right?
[00:23:51] Logan Hufford: Whether I got healthy or not, whether I stayed in recovery or not, she was committed to working on this healing. We see so [00:24:00] many examples of that. And it's such an incredible thing where God works true miraculous healing. In ways that should not exist based just on human logic.
[00:24:09] Logan Hufford: And we've also unfortunately seen so many examples of the opposite, where, the wife has chosen not to dive into the healing process. and I understand, the logic behind it, but it's still very heartbreaking.
[00:24:22] Jen Rogers: My husband will say sometimes from the pulpit, you may analytically assent.
[00:24:30] Jen Rogers: But that doesn't mean it's in your heart. And until it's in your heart, you can say, Yep, I get it all day long. But your heart, which you mentioned earlier, it's deceitful. It is desperately wicked, Scripture says. And it's, there is that connection that they need to go together. I don't know the pornography stats off the top of my head, but they're, I know they're pretty high.
[00:24:55] Jen Rogers: The number of people exposed to pornography, both men and women. [00:25:00] Right. So if you are experiencing this where you know that you're either struggling with pornography or you're on the receiving end of someone struggling in your family with pornography, what I hear Logan saying is, There's some healing for you as well, that God has prepared healing for you, and you have to decide if you're going to walk in it.
[00:25:24] Jen Rogers: And that step of forgiveness to forgive someone who has hurt you grievously over and over again, you're using a strong word. I had a strong visceral reaction when you were saying that you were an abuser. I don't know. I would have described it that way. Until you use that term, it certainly is abuse, it makes sense that you're using that term.
[00:25:49] Jen Rogers: And I think it's important that we are very specific on how we describe the actions that we're taking so that we can address if the outcome [00:26:00] is in a direction that we don't want it to be. We need to fully understand what the action is. We started this conversation, it feels like moments ago, and we've been at it for a little while.
[00:26:13] Jen Rogers: We've started this conversation, and I was asking you about boundaries, and you didn't really even know what they were. Now, what would you say are things, you've shared a little bit, I have a few questions. What did you learn about your wife that you haven't shared on any other podcast yet? What's one thing that you've learned about her, that you haven't had the opportunity to share yet?
[00:26:40] Jen: Listen, there are a ton of strategies of where you break an interview and what you are quote, unquote, supposed to do to create cliffhanger moments. I believe this is one of those cliffhanger moments. I'm putting a pin in this interview and we'll pick it up in the next [00:27:00] episode, episode number 234 of Time To Simplify.
[00:27:05] Jen: Remember, if you find yourself in need of help in the area of sexual addiction, be sure to check the show notes so you can connect with Logan.
[00:27:13] Jen: If you find yourself in a situation where you're in danger, reach out to a trusted mentor, to someone in your church, to a neighbor if you must to get the help that you need.
[00:27:26] Jen: Before we end our time together. I pray this episode has ministered to your spirit. That you are seeing There is no thing you have done that is beyond the reach of the Lord's forgiveness. You simply need to return to him to repent, to come back to confess and lean in to his redemptive healing.
[00:27:50] . There is nothing that can separate you from the love of Christ when you turn to him. Thanks for joining me [00:28:00] in sharing in Logan's story in this sacred space of grace, I will catch you in episode number 234.
