Ever found yourself getting annoyed when your partner gets a cold and acts like they are dying? We typically attribute this to men through the lens of judgement and thinking they should not be behaving that way. Through laughter and a bit of self-reflection, this episode takes a closer at the Brain BS involved when this happens. Could it be that our perceptions, rather than their "dramatic" sniffles and coughs, are more the problem? And that gender is not really the issue?
Navigating the complexities of relationships when our partner is not acting the way we think they should can be very challenging. We all have a manual of how we believe we are supposed to behave when we get sick and we get triggered when we think they are being dramatic and over the top. That leads to reactions instead of responses and can lead to conflict and needless suffering. What is the solution? Responding consciously and with intention.
Join me as I share with you how relying on the Eight Loving Actions from Susan Page's Book Why Talking is Not Enough is an empowering way to approach this situation and all situations in relationships when they other person is behaving different than you think they should. I go through each of the actions separately in the episode and explain how you can use them to feel better about yourself and your partner.
It's funny when I started recording the episode, I was going to focus on the Brain BS of the person who is sick but I realized that is Brain BS too! LOL We don't get to decide how somebody behaves when they don't feel good. They get to do that for themselves. All we have control over is how we respond to them when they are behaving that way.
Together, we'll explore the value of acceptance and compassion toward our partners and ourselves when we don't like the way they are showing up or the way we are showing up. The Eight Loving Actions is a great way to tap into the power of one and reclaim your personal power.
You can click on this link to learn listen to the accompanying blog post that goes with this podcast episode and has a call to action for implementing what you learn.
https://www.thebrainbs.com/post/we-don-t-get-to-decide-how-other-people-should-behave-when-they-get-sick
Click on the platform of your choice to follow the podcast and write a review so we can spread the news and reach more people!
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https://www.pandora.com/podcast/the-brain-bs-podcast-learning-to-live-consciously/PC:60845
If you want to get in touch with me
https://www.thebrainbs.com/
Ever found yourself getting annoyed when your partner gets a cold and acts like they are dying? We typically attribute this to men through the lens of judgement and thinking they should not be behaving that way. Through laughter and a bit of self-reflection, this episode takes a closer at the Brain BS involved when this happens. Could it be that our perceptions, rather than their "dramatic" sniffles and coughs, are more the problem? And that gender is not really the issue?
Navigating the complexities of relationships when our partner is not acting the way we think they should can be very challenging. We all have a manual of how we believe we are supposed to behave when we get sick and we get triggered when we think they are being dramatic and over the top. That leads to reactions instead of responses and can lead to conflict and needless suffering. What is the solution? Responding consciously and with intention.
Join me as I share with you how relying on the Eight Loving Actions from Susan Page's Book Why Talking is Not Enough is an empowering way to approach this situation and all situations in relationships when they other person is behaving different than you think they should. I go through each of the actions separately in the episode and explain how you can use them to feel better about yourself and your partner.
It's funny when I started recording the episode, I was going to focus on the Brain BS of the person who is sick but I realized that is Brain BS too! LOL We don't get to decide how somebody behaves when they don't feel good. They get to do that for themselves. All we have control over is how we respond to them when they are behaving that way.
Together, we'll explore the value of acceptance and compassion toward our partners and ourselves when we don't like the way they are showing up or the way we are showing up. The Eight Loving Actions is a great way to tap into the power of one and reclaim your personal power.
You can click on this link to learn listen to the accompanying blog post that goes with this podcast episode and has a call to action for implementing what you learn.
https://www.thebrainbs.com/post/we-don-t-get-to-decide-how-other-people-should-behave-when-they-get-sick
Click on the platform of your choice to follow the podcast and write a review so we can spread the news and reach more people!
Apple Podcasts
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-brain-bs-podcast-learning-to-live-consciously/id1548758744?i=1000643769866
Spotify
https://open.spotify.com/show/4RWxW7Ni1EHTAywriOwY9z?si=d9c181834529414d
Google Podcasts
https://podcasts.google.com/search/The%20Brain%20BS%20Podcast
I Heart Radio
https://www.iheart.com/podcast/269-the-brain-bs-podcast-learn-76710324/
Pandora
https://www.pandora.com/podcast/the-brain-bs-podcast-learning-to-live-consciously/PC:60845
If you want to get in touch with me
https://www.thebrainbs.com/
This is Maureen Kafka, as the brain BS coach, here to tell you about the episode today. But before I get to that, I want to remind you that the brain BS podcast is here to offer you a psycho, spiritual approach to life that will inspire you to live consciously and make your overall health a priority. Well, it can enhance your quality of life dramatically. It is not meant to be a replacement for a needed intervention, so if you are struggling with your physical, emotional or mental well being, please seek the professional support that you need. Okay, let's dive into the topic of the episode today. Today's episode is about why men are so dramatic when they get sick. Now, before you, men, get yourself into a tizzy, I'm going to tell you right now that this episode did not play out the way I thought it was going to when I first started doing it. So you're definitely going to want to listen, and all you women you're going to want to listen too, because you're going to understand that the brain BS is flying all over the place when our partner gets sick and we think they're being dramatic. So let's get ready, sit back, settle in for this episode called dealing with men who are dramatic when they get sick? Do you want more out of your life but not exactly sure what that might be? Are you longing for something but can't quite put your finger on what it is? That is the universe speaking to you, and it is time to listen up.
Speaker 1:I'm your host, maureen Kaftus, the brain BS coach. I created the brain BS podcast to help people define what success means to them and show them how to get it. I help you to let go of fear and doubt and prepare your nervous system for success. I show you how to understand your own energy and to trust yourself to make all the decisions. If you are ready, go inward and stop looking outside yourself for all the answers. This is the podcast for you. Now let's get started. Hello, and welcome back to the brain BS podcast.
Speaker 1:So today's podcast episode is inspired by true life events, making it sound a little bit dramatic because it kind of goes with the whole podcast episode. So we are recording this on a Friday, santa Barbara. We had plans this evening to get together with friends and I had to cancel because my husband got sick and we I was talking to my friends, allison and Lee we were talking about why does it seem like men get so much more dramatic when they don't feel good than women do. And Lee said that should be a podcast episode and I was like you know what, you're right, but I didn't think I was going to record it today. But I got to thinking about it and it's raining, cats and dogs outside and there's nothing else to do, so I decided to record it today.
Speaker 1:When I say there's brain BS that comes up around a man getting sick, it's not necessarily a man. Traditionally it would be the man or woman in a couple and usually they say men are like that and not women. But I know some men that are really dramatic and I know some men that are really stoic. So we know that it's not really just gender. Same with women. I know some that will just like push through anything and some that can fall apart. So I did, I decided to Google it and I looked up. Why are men so much more dramatic? And then I saw this thing that they call it the man flu.
Speaker 1:When men get like that, when they get sick, and they actually say that they do it for sympathy. I don't think that. I don't think that's accurate. That's not my take anyway. I think that they really feel like they're feeling these symptoms, like they're filling them deeply, and they don't look at it the same way that I do. But so this is where it gets.
Speaker 1:This is the interesting part, because at first, when I was thinking about it, I'm going to talk about the brain BS, about that men have when they get sick, and then I realized that it's not really their brain BS that's the problem. It's mine, it's those of us who think they're being overly dramatic when they get sick. We're judging them and we think that they should act the way we do. We think what they're doing is wrong and the way we handle being sick is right. And honestly, god, I never really thought of it that way until I was looking at how I wanted to break it down. So men might get.
Speaker 1:Another thing I read was that men might get that way because there used to be in the provider incapable and infallible, and it really throws them off when they're not strong and able to do that. And so between that and the man flu, and then science backing it and stuff, I think we're at what I just want to say about when men get sick, that in this could be men or women. We can get kind of dramatic in our own minds, we start telling stories about what it means. Typically, we go out of the present moment and we start anticipating well, what if I can't go to that thing tomorrow, or what if this gets ruined, and we kind of make it bigger than it is and we don't just stay in the present moment. So I think that's brain BS that we want to bring up when we think about getting sick. I know I can like there's something with me when I get sick. I get like I started to feel lonely. It's kind of crazy. I don't really do that anymore, though, so I think that might have been something that I did before when I felt disconnected from myself and others. And then anything maybe that you are any vulnerable area can get amplified when you get sick or you don't feel well, and old habits and patterns can come up from the past. So the other part that I want to bring up and I already kind of did a little bit is the caregivers bring BS when they think that their partners should be having differently than they are and that somehow what they're doing is not right.
Speaker 1:This is really interesting, because it's yeah, I mean, I was trying to figure out another way. This might not be true, and it's it's. We all have a manual humans with a brain. We all have a manual of how we think other people should behave and act, and when they don't, we find that as a reason to judge them, maybe shut them off, shoot them down, whatever it is. So I was thinking, well, what would be the best solution? Because I like to present situations to you and give you some sort of way to handle them. I mean, I know I haven't always done that, but that's what I want to do. Moving forward, I want you to always leave the podcast with how, with some sort of tool for how to handle a situation.
Speaker 1:So when I was thinking about this, I the thing that came to mind with Susan Page's book why talking is not enough in the eight loving actions. So I don't have the book here in California with me it's back in Illinois, but I Google the eight loving actions and I was like, ok, great, I'm going to do the podcast episode around this, because this not only applies to when your partner gets sick and they behave differently than you think they should. This applies to whenever that happens, no matter what the scenario, because we often have expectations of our partner to behave a certain way, and we can get kind of self righteous and judging and critical about it too. So the first eight loving first of the eight loving actions is to adopt a spirit of goodwill. Now, I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, as soon as I know that my husband's gonna get sick, I'm like, oh my god, which is not adopting a spirit of goodwill. But I'm envisioning what it's gonna be like and how it's gonna impact him and then impact me. So I can get a little bit like that and actually get pretty selfish right from the get go.
Speaker 1:So this time I'm purposely adopting a spirit of goodwill. Now, does that happen right away? No, it does not. It takes me a little bit of time to get into that space, and actually recording this podcast episode is part of the way that I do that it allows me to get all this out of my head, out of my mind, out of my voice box, and put it out here and find a solution. And then I could go practice this solution when I'm done with the podcast episode. So don't I'm not saying that you can just automatically say, okay, I'm gonna adopt a spirit of goodwill, because none of this stuff really works unless you're actually feeling it in your body. So the second one well, she does a different order, but I put it in this order because in this particular case I think it's really important.
Speaker 1:So the next one is to act as if. Now, if I'm having a really hard time adopting a spirit of goodwill, and no matter how hard I try, I can't, then acting as if is very helpful, because I just act as if I don't. I don't have to feel it in my body, I don't have to try to figure out how to make it happen, because sometimes you just can't believe that that, no matter how hard you try. So acting as if is like, literally, you're acting and you're pretending and then you create a different energy in the situation and that energy changes the dynamic between the two of you and it gets better. Things get better. It's not the normal.
Speaker 1:We have a relational stance with our partners of how we behave in situations or when either one of us gets triggered and when one of us gets sick and we think the other one's dramatic, that's a trigger. So we want to be aware that we have a relational stance of how we normally behave. So if I went in there and said okay, you were just being so dramatic, why are you acting this way? You know, suck it up, deal with it. And if I did that and that's what I always do then there's never going to be a different outcome. But if I can act as if and actually, or actually adopt a spirit of goodwill, then I can literally change the outcome of the interaction that I have with him.
Speaker 1:Now this next one. I love this one because Susan Page says if something's been a problem for a really long time, it's not a problem to be solved, it's a fact of life to be accepted. And the fact of life is my husband and I are different. When we get sick I usually I tend to push forward, probably to a fault. I don't do that as much anymore because I honor the mind body connection now, but we're just different. So it's not really a problem to be solved. There's no words that I'm going to say, that I go out of the room and I go in there and say, okay, you're being kind of dramatic and find just the right wording. That is going to say, okay, I'll stop, it's not ever going to happen. So it's just, it's something to be accepted, it's accepting him. And that's another eight, that's another action, but I wanted, I want to stay with to this point, a great here with it's not a problem to be solved, it's a fact of life to be accepted.
Speaker 1:And then the fourth one is practice restraint. Now I did let out a couple things. I was trying not to, but it was so hard for me not to, but it's not gonna be after I do this episode. So talking to other people, getting it out, noticing that it's there, kind of finding the sense of humor in all of it, is really helpful. So, practicing restraint, you don't have to say anything, you don't have to point out that you think they're being a drama king, you don't have to judge them or say anything. You could just keep your mouth shut Sometimes. That's what we need to do. We just need to keep our mouth shut.
Speaker 1:The fifth living action is balance giving and taking. So you might interpret this as giving and taking Like from your partner, but it's not. It's giving and taking for yourself. So if you are going to do something for your partner and you're gonna be a good caregiver and you're gonna like I just made some soup and I went to the store and got Ice cream and different things to help them feel better. So now I'm doing something for myself, I'm working on the podcast episode and then I'm gonna go for a drive. So it's balancing, taking care of his needs and taking care of my needs. It's not me taking care of him and then him taking care of me 50 50. That's not what this is about.
Speaker 1:These eight loving actions can change a relationship all on their own. You don't even have to have the other partner doing anything or being aware that you're doing it, because it's gonna have a ripple effect. It changes the frequency of your energy. It can't play out any other way. So the next one is act on your own. So this one is kind of like I mean, if there's something that you really wanted to do and your partner gets sick and you can't do it, then just go, do it by yourself, but don't, don't. And this goes so like I did. That act on your own Makes me think of when we were in Chicago last year and I wanted to go to the van go Immersion exhibit and he did not want to go, and for an entire year I begged this man to go to this exhibit and I finally freaking went on the last day by myself and it was amazing and I was so glad I went by myself. So if there's something you want to do and you had big plans and your partner gets sick or they don't want to do it, then go do it by yourself or find somebody else to do it. But sometime doing it all by yourself is the way to feel really empowered and it's sort of it shifts something. Ever since that happened, I've done more things on my own, including Two-week cross-country trip with my dogs in the car Driving from Illinois to California. So all these things that you start doing create momentum.
Speaker 1:The next one is practice acceptance. Now, in this one I kind of talked about this before, that you have to accept the facts of life about someone and not try to change them. But this is like really practicing acceptance of that person and who they are in that moment when they get sick. This is just them and you love them and you don't want to lose sight of the fact that you love them. You want to remember. This is just what it's like when they get sick. Is it the way I would like it to be? No, but is it about me? Nope, not really. It has nothing to do with me, so I don't need to personalize it, make it my problem. I just accept it. And then I also accept that if I have plans that I'm looking forward to, like I was tonight, that I can be a little disappointed and I can move on. It really doesn't have to be a big big deal. I think One of my least favorite emotions to experience and I'm just coming to realize this, believe it or not, after really looking at this stuff for three years is disappointment. I don't like that one and but I'm getting real, more and more comfortable with it. So it's not a big deal and that is part of this work getting more and more, more and more comfortable, being uncomfortable with the emotions that you prefer were not there. And then, once I really practice that acceptance, then I kind of got into it, like I went to the grocery store, I went and ran some errands. I'm taking it easy, I'm relaxing, relaxing, resting. I already meditated once. I'll probably meditate again. I'll listen to some relaxing music, maybe watch my show, heartland in the middle of the afternoon, which would be kind of scandalous.
Speaker 1:And then the last one, the eight loving action is practice compassion for your partner. Nobody likes to be sick and we all need a little compassion. And if you're having trouble being compassionate, then you might need to leave the room for a little bit, like I did, just get away, because energy is funny the way it works, and sometimes you just need to get your auras into separate rooms and get away from each other. But you have to practice compassion for your partner. But this is the thing that I really want to emphasize you have to practice compassion for yourself when you fail to practice compassion for your partner, because it's going to happen. It happens all the time. And if you think it's bad now when your partner has a cold or has a flu bug or something, just wait until they're really sick. Wait until, if you're lucky enough, you get to age with them and you get to care for each other at the end of each other's lives. You're going to really really have to practice acceptance in those situations and compassion, because it is not easy being a caregiver.
Speaker 1:I used to host a caregiver group back in Illinois with Karen Brownlee at the YMCA and we had a beautiful group, beautiful group of people, and even after people lost their loved one who died, they stayed in that group because it was just a caregiver support group to just for. It was a support group for one another, whether you're a caregiver or not, and everybody needs that support. So I just I bring this up because if you think it's bad now when your partner gets sick, and you think they're dramatic, just wait. I promise you it's going to get worse. I don't think I need to remind you that at some point we're all going to die. So if you can actively start working at solutions to these problems and figuring out a really proactive way that kind of lifts up your energy and gives you a higher vibe, why not do it? And why not do it now, before you get in a desperate situation and it's so much more challenging to start learning. So that's what I have for you today.
Speaker 1:It wasn't so much, it turns out, about men being dramatic. It's about how we help people deal with who they are when they're sick, that they're being authentic and real, and who are we to judge how they behave? And we can't control how they behave anyway, we're never going to find the right words to change it. The only thing we can do is change the way we approach their approach. Yeah, I don't know if I really like that, but you know what I mean. The only thing we can do is control ourselves, and one of the best ways to do that is by incorporating the eight loving actions, which I'm gonna repeat them one more time Adopt a spirit of goodwill. Sometimes that's difficult.
Speaker 1:So number two is act as if Just pretend and stick with it and eventually it kind of it's like make it till you fake it, or fake it till you make it. And then number three is give up problem solving. This behavior is not a problem to be solved, this is a fact of life to be accepted. Number four is practice restraint. Five is like keep your mouth shut. Number five is balance giving and taking. Number six act on your own. If you need to go, do what you have to do, but don't act like you're. You know, link to the person or change to the person, and you can't do anything on your own.
Speaker 1:Number seven is practice acceptance of that person and who they are being, as well as run any plans that are canceled and I didn't say this before but practice acceptance of yourself if you don't like the way you're acting too, because in order to change anything, you first have to accept it and acknowledge it's there. So if you're not a good carrier, you ever own it. And then do some work to figure out how to become a better one, because you're gonna want to know how to be a better one. Then the last one is practice compassion for your partner and also practice it for yourself when you come up short and you don't handle situations quite the way you want to. And again that all those eight loving actions come from Susan Page, who wrote the book why Talking Is Not Enough. I actually have a podcast episode I don't know the number, but I'll put it in the show notes A podcast episode of when I interviewed her about the eight loving actions. It's a great episode and she is a really bright, articulate, smart woman and I am looking for ways to extend her work and kind of build a legacy for her around her work and kind of take some of it, modify and make it my own. But I want to be very clear that the foundation of the work comes from her and the work that she's done.
Speaker 1:Okay, so before we sign off here, I just have a couple updates for you. One I decided to start a monthly newsletter, which is very exciting, and the first one will come out at the end of this month, because I need to do a little prep and figure out how I'm going to do it, because I want it to be a good quality newsletter for you. Yeah, I'm going to be sharing things in there that I'm not sharing other places, and it will all be about strategies for you to implement what you learn here On the BrainBS podcast and on the BrainBS blog. I also decided to make my mastering BrainBS for success course free to the public. In return, all you have to do is sign up for my email and my newsletters and then you will get access to the free course and weekly emails where I give you the link to the podcast and the blog, so you don't have to go looking for them. They come to you instead.
Speaker 1:All right, that's all I got for you. I'll send you off with some music now and I hope you learned something valuable today. I'll see you next episode. Check out my website at wwwthebrainbscom, where you can find a blog post that will accompany this episode every week with a call to action so that you can actually learn how to implement what you learn here. I am also looking for people who are willing to participate in BrainBS experiments and I can answer any questions you have. You can email me at mkcogelllch. Emailcom or schedule a connection call with me on the homepage of my website. See you next episode.