When the seasons shift, our hearts and minds often follow suit. That's exactly what Melanie and I wrestle with as she returns to share the personal ebbs and flows of coping with seasonal affective disorder and the ubiquitous post-holiday slump. But it's not all about the lows; we celebrate her bold leap into founding Pulling Threads Therapy, a space where Melanie pours her expertise into healing.
Venturing into the personal trenches of the therapy business, Melanie doesn't hold back on the formidable challenges of transitioning from group practice to solo proprietorship. She lays bare the realities of self-management, from the grit of grappling with backend tasks to the guilt that shadows taking time off. Our conversation bravely confronts the necessity of therapists seeking therapy for themselves and maintaining a delicate equilibrium amidst the relentless tide of current events and the all-consuming world of social media.
When the seasons shift, our hearts and minds often follow suit. That's exactly what Melanie and I wrestle with as she returns to share the personal ebbs and flows of coping with seasonal affective disorder and the ubiquitous post-holiday slump. But it's not all about the lows; we celebrate her bold leap into founding Pulling Threads Therapy, a space where Melanie pours her expertise into healing.
Venturing into the personal trenches of the therapy business, Melanie doesn't hold back on the formidable challenges of transitioning from group practice to solo proprietorship. She lays bare the realities of self-management, from the grit of grappling with backend tasks to the guilt that shadows taking time off. Our conversation bravely confronts the necessity of therapists seeking therapy for themselves and maintaining a delicate equilibrium amidst the relentless tide of current events and the all-consuming world of social media.
Welcome back, dogs. We're here again with another awesome guest. Another returning guest, Melanie. What's up? How are you?
Speaker 2:I'm doing all right. How are you?
Speaker 1:I'm pretty good. It's like chilly here again out in Pennsylvania and it sucks. I hate the fake spring, you know.
Speaker 2:I do as well. It was so wonderful last week.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it felt great walking outside without a jacket.
Speaker 1:But it is nice to have the sun back out, like every year. When people talk about seasonal depression, like I think it's a joke, like December 15th because the holidays are coming up and I'm like I have that to rely on. But then what is just the dull drums of January? Dude, you're like, wow, I need the sun.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. And every year and I know that I have seasonal affective disorder and still every year I'm like why do I feel so bad? And then, like one of my other therapist friends, has to be like hey, you know, it's February, right?
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the holidays make it feel exciting and then, once that's over, it's just like January and February are such dull, dreary months. I'd like to tell my clients, like anybody who has the financial ability to go somewhere, more like planet.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, I will. You still always wonder why my mom would take like vacations at January, february and it's clicking a little bit more now becoming an adult. Are you speaking of that? Are you a big holiday person? Do you get into the mood a lot for like the normal big holidays?
Speaker 2:I really like baking and cooking for them, so like if for me it's like a reason to create.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it's fun for me for that. I don't love like the stress that it puts on people but I do love like the overall, like joy that comes with the holidays.
Speaker 1:Hell, yeah, I love that when you can like have reasons to just be creative. You know like it's as you become an adult, like it's going to sound weird to say, but you just you get to a routine where you're just not always like having reasons to do things that you just like you know for the sake of doing them. So to give yourself an occasion, this is definitely a healthy thing. But dude, we were just talking about it.
Speaker 2:You have some big news I'd love for you to share it with your followers that are coming here, and my followers also, yeah. So I opened my own private practice the last couple of months and I just opened my in-person office, so I'm now accepting clients in person as well as virtually in-person office, so I'm now accepting clients in person as well as virtually.
Speaker 1:I love that. So tell us, what was the start of this happening? You were doing clients somewhere else first, virtually. Now you have the in-person. What was the start of being like? Okay, I want to do this on my own.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so, unfortunately, like, the main drive was finances. Unfortunately, like most other industries, like the bigger the company that you work for usually like the less about the workers. It is so like that's in every field, even mental health, unfortunately, and I just think that a lot of therapists don't get compensated the way that they should. So, generally, what happens is like, before you get fully licensed, you're getting like a lesser percentage of the money that you're bringing in and then, like, because the group is offering either like office space or educational pieces or supervision, that's what goes towards that but once you become a fully licensed clinician, um, you should really be making like a 70% split, um, and that wasn't happening for me, um, and I was, you know, getting a lot of my own clients on my own because I am a specialist, and it was just getting to the point where, like, I just really wanted to pay my bills and I honestly didn't want to work harder.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you want to do double the work for that same amount of like pay. You know.
Speaker 2:Exactly, and I'm seeing less clients right now and I'm in a more comfortable position.
Speaker 1:I would like to increase my caseload still, but I'm already in a better place, that's awesome and you could utilize your brain power for more things that you actually want to utilize it for.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. I just did a free pelvic floor somatic mindfulness workshop with a pelvic floor therapist last week and there were like 27 people who came and I. We were able to do that because I had more capacity and bandwidth. Yeah, so yeah.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's amazing. We can refine everything down to be able to give a better output to even a smaller group. You know, and then once the group grows you, you better understand how to like, manipulate and and and offer more to that bigger group. You know you got to whittle down so that you could build back up. I love that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and now that I'm on my own, I'm actually I'm. I am getting more clients within my specialty and niche because I'm able to market toward that more. So I love yeah.
Speaker 1:Tell us what's the name of your practice.
Speaker 2:My practice name is Pulling Threads Therapy.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:Thank you yeah.
Speaker 1:What does that mean to you? How'd you come up with that name?
Speaker 2:So one of my best friends, they helped me figure it out. They sent me a list of funny names as well as serious names to name my practice as a sex therapy practice. There's a lot of fun names that like come up. But pulling threads I think it's interesting because in past podcasts that I've done I've actually heard myself say that phrase often. It's kind of how I like to approach. Like my therapeutic relationship with people is in like not every session is going to be a mind blowing session. Like not every session is going to. Like sometimes, like we sit and we talk about love is blind, right, like that's. That's sometimes just like what the week holds, but usually, like there is like a thread that gets pulled that over time you keep pulling it and it starts to unravel maybe some old beliefs that we've had about ourselves or old stories that we tell ourselves that we can then just unthread that and create something new.
Speaker 1:Man that just hit me so hard.
Speaker 2:That's like a lot of where I've really started to take my approach with clients. I like to call myself a pleasure advocate, and not just for, like, sexual purposes. We live in a society that really does not want us to feel pleasure and joy in things right, like that's why a lot of people do turn to substances, or like eating disorders and body image issues all happen because we're just seeking some fulfillment and we forget that a lot of the things that bring us pleasure are smaller, and I think that's where, like inner child work really comes in and it's like what did you used to like to do before the world got to you?
Speaker 2:yeah and for some what? What a deep question so for some people that's like you want to go like play imagination and make leave. Guess what there's larping.
Speaker 1:You can't like you do that nobody cares right yeah do it if it's fun in fact, I was just at the Arnold, like in the sports world I'm sure you know what that is out in Ohio and we were upstairs weighing in and there's a whole bunch of people like taking LARP into the next level. There was um five on five met like melees, like with swords, axes, all that stuff. Those dudes are really out there fighting, you know, and so they're like full-on with it and it's like they're walking through. Some people are probably snickering at them but like a lot of us were like, dude, that bro's carrying a real sword, that's dope, you know.
Speaker 2:Like the freedom to just do what makes you happy and brings you joy, like yeah that's what it's about it's so crazy and and you know what too.
Speaker 1:Like back to the recovery thing, part of it and I'm sure a lot of like people that deal with substance abuse or abuse, uh like of overuse in any sort of uh like thing that they do is like hiding. It was a big part of it. You know, the secretive, the hidden like on the other side, the voyeur part of it, like knowing that I'm not supposed to be doing this and I'm keeping it a secret from these other people, you know. And the secretive, the hidden like on the other side of the voyeur part of it, like knowing that I'm not supposed to be doing this and I'm keeping it a secret from these other people, you know. And still on the day to day, and the more you get away with it, you're like this is bringing me even more pleasure, just outside of the things that it's doing, to like my dopamine system, you know, and outside of the things that it's numbing like on in the brain, brain level, like it's affecting the other side of my brain as well.
Speaker 2:You know, in all these ways and that makes it really difficult to live authentically.
Speaker 1:And, yeah, like living authentically really is the best way for us to find like fulfillment and purpose yeah, I struggle a lot with like being able to like show that I'm enjoying things around like masses of people. There's a small like um sect of people that I'm enjoying things around like masses of people. There's a small like sect of people that I'm through, feel real comfortable with that around, but then, like everybody else is like, oh no, even like even outside of just like liking things, feeling like proud of myself too. Oh yeah, in situations and a lot, I think a lot of us struggle with that.
Speaker 2:One of the things that, like my clients will be like I don't want to like sound cocky and I'm like no, sound cocky, let's go like celebrate yourself. And I mean coming from someone whose therapist was literally like you don't celebrate any of your accomplishments, you have to slow down. I'm like okay, but everyone else, celebrate your accomplishments.
Speaker 1:Right, you know it's something that this is way back in the vault dude, my very first like vlog type thing, a buddy of mine. We talked about humbleness versus cockiness, right, and my question I posed to him is like, hey, what do you admire more? Like someone that's humble or someone that's cocky? And then he says humble we're like 24 at the time. This is years ago. We're like both still really, really early on in our journeys Like what do you like more, humbleness or cockiness? And then he says humbleness and I'm like he is.
Speaker 1:I don't want to call him a typical guy, but you know like he loves football and like idolizes all the big names. You know, just like all everybody else, you know, that loves football. And I'm like, well, your favorite player is like Tom Brady. Like you know, just for that, that's not a humble guy, but that's someone that if you had a son that wanted to be a quarterback, you would tell him to look up to him. You know, like so, and I just rattled down a list of names of all these big figures and I'm like, hey, well, none of this is humble. So how are you feeling as someone that is that is now running their own practice and taking their own in-person clients. Like how does that role shift? Like how is it settling in on you?
Speaker 2:Like I still think that I really haven't. Like my friend texted me yesterday and she's like, oh my God, like it's so cool, like you created this office, and I was like, yeah, I just don't think I'm there yet. I think, I've only really seen one person in the office in person, so I think I won't really be real until, like, it's a day-to-day thing for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Which is kind of what like being a therapist felt like too, like it's not really real until you're just doing it.
Speaker 1:Until you're in it, yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so but like, really like the biggest. I mean it's hard because I've always been really hard on myself and I've always taken a lot of responsibility on myself, even when I was working at the group practice, like I was in control of my schedule, like I really didn't work much with the administrative person because we didn't have the best communication.
Speaker 2:Like you know. So I've been doing a lot of the backend things on my own for the better part of a year anyway. I think it's like the learning, like okay, like I have to file quarterly taxes and I have to track all of my expenses, and like that's nerve wracking. Having a husband who owns a business has been helpful, but it's, it's, it's all on you.
Speaker 1:It's all on you, like I take a day off and I I feel guilty, you know so so we talked to Justin, right, and he talks about like small business ownership being in his life for like a while. Right, Like you have been on the other side of it, like wanted to be a therapist and like give back to the people in a different way, like work with people. Was like business ownership ever a thing in your brain? Like was that something you ever saw as a role for you back in the day?
Speaker 2:No, and like my therapist and my husband and everyone in my family was like, when are you going to go out on your own? Like what is your goal? And I didn't want to do it because I've seen Justin and I have been together almost eight years. Raid is celebrating its 10 year anniversary this year. I've seen how hard it's been Like I've been there with him when things were tough that just like wasn't what I wanted to do. And also in this, in my field, they don't. They're not very transparent about how easy it is to do it on your own, because they don't want you yeah.
Speaker 2:They don't want you to, they want to make you, they want you to be the cog in the wheel and not like exactly, and it's, it's really not that hard as long as you're not someone else's boss. So, like becoming a company, like a business who, where I am someone's boss, is not what I ever want to do.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:What I want to do is I want to see clients on my own, I want to be responsible for myself at this point, and then I want to be able to do other types of like education or advocacy work, so like I'm very, very passionate about reproductive rights and LGBTQIA rights in the country, and like I'm very political. So like that is a piece that I would like to eventually add to, because the clinical work gets very tiring.
Speaker 1:Just grow everything that you have your hands in, your influence in yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so yeah. No, I didn't want to be a business owner, but it was just the best route for me at this point in my life.
Speaker 1:You had an oh shit moment, yet with opening the in-person yeah, you're like oh damn, I'm really doing this now.
Speaker 2:this is like riding on me um, not yet, not with the in-person. I think like at least a couple times a month I'll be in session with someone. I'll be like, oh damn, like you should probably talk to someone about that. I'm like holy, oh, like they're talking to me about it, like that happens, and like it's just in this field, like that whole idea of imposter syndrome is just like so prevalent. Yeah, like how you know, my life is so like fucked. How could anybody want to take advice from me? But honestly, like the biggest thing I have to say is, if you're seeking a therapist, to find a therapist who is also in therapy, because, like the things that people are bringing to session a lot of times are things that I don't want to have to deal with myself.
Speaker 1:And now, I am yeah, hell yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah so what are?
Speaker 1:what are the things that you're bringing to your sessions right now, like, what are the things that you're working on for yourself or that you need to vent to someone else?
Speaker 2:A lot of current events stuff, right, and the whole idea of like taking a step back from social media, like isn't something that, first of all, I'm able to do because I need. I don't want my Instagram to be like a professional business page. My Instagram to be like a professional business page. That is like I think that Instagram and social media is really saturated with, like mental health professionals. I just want to like be able to promote myself on there and connect with people, but, like I don't have the luxury of not paying attention to what's happening in the world, because I'm talking about genocide in three, four sessions a week. I'm talking about inflation, I'm talking about the upcoming political election.
Speaker 2:I can't step away from the realities of life, because the realities of life are what people are bringing to me. There's a lot of heaviness there Aging my body, changing um like fighting against what like beauty standards are, um what it means to like be a woman is a lot of what I you know, I see a lot of women, so that's a lot of what I work with, um, and then like a lot of parent stuff what it?
Speaker 2:means to have aging parents, what it means to have complicated relationships with your parents as an adult.
Speaker 1:Man, oh man, I want to talk about all that stuff right there, so many different like heartstrings of me, cause I mean we're around the same age. I'm going through a lot of the second half of that stuff, especially Someone said to me, I think two years ago, that in today's world, unfortunately, we don't have the blessing of ignorance to be able to hide behind a make-believe world that this stuff is so far away, all the world's problems, they're no longer like miles away, they are probably two doors down at best.
Speaker 1:You know like even like I don't know if you've watched the most recent like documentary that came out, the quiet on set, nickelodeon oh I I made it through a half hour, like I turned it off after five minutes and I was texting one of my friends like, like, talking about it already, like already vented it out before I could put it back on. Like when they, when it came on and some of the things they were saying, I'm like, oh my God, you know.
Speaker 2:And it's like that. That was so much our upbringing. Like we you know, that was what we did. We.
Speaker 2:it was, like you know, snick Nick, like all of it, and so we grew up on it grew up on it and we grew up with those actors, and so it's hard to see the realities like that and like those are the things that we were able to hide from that. Now, with social media, like we can't and and that's like a piece of like. You know, I went to undergrad for journalism and I, I and I learned that I did not like the way that media was going and that's why. And then now seeing like they want to take TikTok away from us, but like that's because it's free information.
Speaker 1:That's so crazy, and that is a whole other thing, you know like that's the Nickelodeon thing.
Speaker 1:It's not just people that we grew up watching Like. I remember vividly how they would treat all these people in the media after this stuff happened and it's a much different context when you look and listen to the ways that they were the things that were put through as children and in the same field. So you knew the emotional trauma this person must have gone through. You know you didn't need this documentary proven to you to see that those people knew that and they still vilified all. I mean like Amanda Bynes, you know like you're talking about, just like you talked about yourself on the last episode. Like one of the young intelligent people, creative minds, like one of the prodigy kids. She was that at eight years old, uh, uh, one of the young intelligent people, creative minds, like one of the prodigy kids. She was that at eight years old and the what they turned her into.
Speaker 2:It's like oh man, stuff that she had to go through seeing the videos of her as a child and how lively and animated and talented she was like. I know we saw it growing up and I know I loved. She's the man like we are, but looking at those videos of her as a child and how like she was brilliant.
Speaker 1:Yeah, dude, I have my 12 year olds to come in here for class and they can barely put together three sentences. You know, like so what she was doing on the screens was her hard work and just her talent shining through, and, and a lot of that was, I mean, like cajoled through trauma. You know, it's like oh my God, with seeing Ariana Grande and them like cutting the potato onto her face, like everything is like sexual references. You know, going on, it's like oh and hey, that's why we probably have a whole generation of people that are like have toxic relationships with sex and pornography. Because of things like that, I'm like damn, I just put the two together. Like this is what happened out in the world. You know that's insane.
Speaker 1:And then when you talk about aging, like talk to me about what aging, how aging was presented to you as a young girl. You know, like I'm hearing more and more women talk about like their mothers and their aunts would, like they would hear them saying like, oh my God, I see the wrinkles coming in. Oh my God, this is happening because of age and it always had negative connotations to them. Like tell me about that for you. Did you experience that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean even like the getting cat called when.
Speaker 2:I was younger, right, hearing like older women and my mother even being like well, enjoy it now, because it doesn't last forever. It's like, wow, beauty fades, you'll miss getting objectified, right. I think a lot of what women are, girls and women learn is like after 35, I mean, now it's a little bit different, but like after 35, like you're invisible, right, like you're no longer seen as a sexual being, you're no longer seen as a beautiful being, like you are seen as like a mother or like an old maid, like those were the options, or like an old maid, like those were the options, and that's really scary. And it's scary Like my gray hair started coming in when I was in grad school, right, and like people get gray hair at all ages, but it was scary. And like I am not someone who like nothing against, like Botox and injections, but like that's just not where I am right now, like so like I'm someone who I'm going to be 33 next week and I feel like there aren't a lot of people who are just like aging.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like it's like they're always seeking, like the next thing, to seem younger and like things that have been really hard, or like what type of clothes do I wear as a 33 year old?
Speaker 1:right, I don't want to look appropriate but I don't.
Speaker 2:I don't want to look like like it's it's boring. Brand options for us are very boring and I so it's. It's just like trying to navigate that where, like, I don't feel old, but I'm getting to the point now where, like, things aren't for me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Most of the world's not. I mean, I'm getting older. I'll be 33 end of the year, but like I don't, I don't feel old, I don't feel youthful, I don't feel like a teenager and I actively avoid that actually but like I definitely don't feel old, you know. So where do we fit in?
Speaker 2:Exactly yeah, and and like it's hard because it's like everything that you're you know. My mom told me growing up like youth is wasted on the young and like you'll look back and you'll, and like I hate that she was right. But like I look back on pictures of myself and I'm like God, I was so mean to myself, so mean and that's where a lot of the inner child work that I'm doing on my own comes in is like that poor girl was just trying to be loved and liked and desired and like I was just so mean to her oh man.
Speaker 1:So I was gonna ask you this at the end, but we just brought, like your younger self up. If you could like tell your 17 year old self maybe not 18, your 17 year old self, like any one piece of advice, like what would you say?
Speaker 2:She would not want to listen to me.
Speaker 1:first of all, man, when they say that you're young and stubborn, like it seems like you're stubborn against that too, but like man, I was so just young and stubborn.
Speaker 2:Like man You're stubborn against that too, but like man I was so just young and stubborn. Like man I really truly like at my core, I have always been the person that I am and I think that I would just tell her that like someday, like do not make yourself smaller, like in any way, because I tried to make my voice smaller, my body smaller, everything, like someday, like people will appreciate this and like it won't matter as much, but like it's so hard, like I see my poor nephew is seven years old, getting bullied, and it's like you can't reason with children and tell them that like well, the reason that these kids are being mean to you or because like there's something going on in their lives or they're jealous, like so it's, it's hard, like I'm already like rationalizing, like my 17 year old self would not want to hear that from me, but I guess it would be like just like, keep, keep going.
Speaker 1:Like trust your gut literally kids are all just people trying to um impress the person to their left. You know like there's always somebody cooler. You know like they're to your left, so you're just the person just passing it down. You know like someone's trying to impress someone a little bit cooler than them. The coolest person that you know has someone that they're like. Oh my God, that guy's so awesome. How do I be like them? You know like.
Speaker 2:I posted a meme earlier this week that was like a picture of a guy like behind the steering wheel and it was like me trying to act cool, so the kids at the back of the bus don't make fun of me because, like when I'm behind a bus or like if I'm approaching like a group of teenagers specifically teenage boys like my body is fight or flight.
Speaker 1:I'm like yeah, yeah, gotta be cool yeah, I gotta be cool that you just blew my mind. I thought I was the only person in the world that got affected by the magic of the school bus. It pulls up next to me and I'm like, okay, blast the coolest music you know what do the kids do right now?
Speaker 1:yeah, that's so funny. Literally it drives next to you and that you're a whole another person, like these kids. Either they're going to throw stuff at me or they're never going to even see me. You know they don't care. It's so nuts. I think about that a lot like how we are just all interacting with each other, literally billions of us at a time, everyone that's on Earth and you could be walking down the street and thinking you're that main character and the person that's going to walk next to you, that you just told yourself for the past 20 steps, is going to be thinking about you, doesn't even notice that you're there. Oh my gosh Exactly.
Speaker 1:How often do you see that play out, and how often do you?
Speaker 2:talk about that with like people that are coming in to talk to you like and vent to you and get therapy.
Speaker 2:One of the things that I have said to clients over the years and I'll say it like pretty bluntly I'll be like, in the nicest way possible, like you are not special, or you like, and in that I mean and I and also this to people who are, like, afraid to even come in and try CrossFit right Cause they're like embarrassed, or I mean, like I, human beings are narcissistic at their core. They only really are thinking about themselves. It's about me, it's about me. Those people don't care what you're doing, working out and if they do whatever, but mostly people are just there to think about themselves and get their workout in and think about what they have going on later and what they're going to have to cook for dinner.
Speaker 1:At the very worst, with someone. If you're nervous to go to the gym, the people that you need to worry about are the people that are outside of the door, right Like, and you probably will be able to just walk right by them. The people that are going to sweat next to you. They're there for the same reason and probably have the same feelings as you. You know that they're. They could be the fittest person in the gym and they could be thinking like, like, oh my God, that unfit person that's nervous back there. They might be judging me. You know, like. All of those people have those same feelings. It's so funny how, how that happens, especially in a CrossFit gym, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's I mean when we do move, like that's a lot of like the identity, like stuff that I've been like really dealing with inside the gym.
Speaker 1:Hell, yeah, that's. This is a perfect time to like segue into that. Like CrossFit Open back at a rate over there. I know Justin was talking about getting that going on. That is an anxiety filled three weeks Used to be five weeks for a lot of people. It just induces a lot of emotions going on. How was the Open for you? How was this year any different? I know that you used to push and try to be really competitive and you're on a transformative journey, like still trying to move while not being in that space anymore. Tell us about, like, your open experience.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I mean, I look back at like. I looked back at 2018 in my placing. That was when, like, regionals were still a thing and that was like what I I, I was someone who could have gone to regionals, like if I had kept training the way that I was and if regionals continued, like I could have maybe gotten there at that point in my life, um, and that's really hard to reconcile with in seeing where I am now. Um, I'm really glad that it's not five weeks anymore, my god. But we have such a great community of people at so many different fitness levels at this point. Like our community has grown a lot in the last couple of years and it's been really amazing.
Speaker 2:But it's been really hard because a lot of the people who are new don't know me in the capacity that I used to be and so, and like, I'm not coaching as much either. So, like my, I don't get a lot of FaceTime at the gym when a lot of people are there. A lot of our classes are in the evenings and afternoons and that's mostly when I'm seeing clients. Like that's prime time for me. So, you know, the the open was really fun because I got to see a lot of people that I don't get to see on a regular basis. The first two weeks were really hard because they did not have a lot of skill or like heavy weight, and that is where I separate myself. Right now I am. My endurance is not where it used to be because I'm not training three and a half hours a day.
Speaker 1:But you've kept the skills from your years of work.
Speaker 2:I've kept the skills and I've kept the strength for my years of work and like um, and then the third week I got really sick and I couldn't, couldn't be there. I was. I didn't work out for an entire week. I went in on Monday.
Speaker 2:I bar muscle ups used to be a movement that I felt very, very good doing Um, I got five of them and I was like happy with that, but then I like couldn't breathe when I finished and I started hyperventilating and then all I could think about was like who I used to be and what she would have done.
Speaker 2:And that's not my priority now, but I also I do miss being good at it because it was fun. And I miss being good at it because, as we said before, like I'm a triple fire sign, like I like attention and I like being a model for someone. Like I want someone to say like she can do it, I can do it. And I also really miss how my body looked and I miss the attention I used to get from my body, which is like a whole other issue of someone recovering from an eating disorder is like how often people used to comment on my arms and my arms are like a trouble point for me now, like just in general, and it's like it really messes with me because I'm doing a lot of work fighting against what beauty standards are and what we've been fed is beautiful, versus like enjoying what my body could do and the attention it got.
Speaker 1:Yeah and it's. Do you feel that you struggle sometimes with okay, there could be two sides of me and they're both okay, like I can both want to look good and and get joy out of that, while also not putting all of my chips in that cup. You know, like that's such a hard thing to go through because, like beauty standards, should it be the only standard we judge people on? But people should also be able to like draw joy from that.
Speaker 2:Yeah and it.
Speaker 2:So that's hard because I'm working on that. And then I have to deal with, like I work with a lot of women who are also like in recovery from some sort of disordered eating, because a lot of women in our generation, that's just where we are, um, and so you know, pushing back against, like well, this is why there are so many reasons why they want us to worry about our bodies. It's so that aren't worrying about other more important things. It's so that we are pleasurable to what they would like to see and also like wanting your body to look a certain way, like is your prerogative, right? And so, like I have this conversation with Justin, a lot is like don't want to give in to these body standards, but I also liked the things my body could do, and so it's focusing on, okay, well, what movement brings joy right now? What movement, and sometimes that's just going for a walk. Yeah, that's stretching, but for me it ties so much in like more with my mental health is like, and also like my, my love for competing, like it's fun.
Speaker 1:Has there been any like thoughts in the head? It's like, ok, is there a medium between these two where I don't have to go full back to competitive Melanie but I could do like. All right, maybe it's add this to my diet, add this extra 15 minutes here and there. Is there any thoughts of like that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that is like the hardest struggle is like I would like to find a good balance in between. I would like to feel better in my body. Right now. I'm dealing with a lot of like chronic pain, probably from years of not taking care of myself and over yeah, yeah, going super hard but that's where, like with my eating disorder, I have to be really careful.
Speaker 2:Like tracking macros really worked for me when it worked for me, because I had the time and energy to do it, and also also like I missed a lot of things. You know, I didn't go to a lot of events because sacrifice Um, and so you know, now that we are like our kitchen is almost renovated and we are trying like we, I really want to get onto a place where it's like I'm eating consistently, cause that's something I struggle with. Um, I'm eating consistently because that's something I struggle with. I'm eating consistently foods that make me feel good, I'm eating enough, because I won't eat enough throughout the day and then at night I'm hungry.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And like just getting like consistent movement in.
Speaker 1:You know, on the eating enough topic, I couldn't, I can't, I can't count on both hands the amount of like young women and like women in general that I've talked to, that have told me they've got prescribed by I shouldn't say prescribed, because it's not a doctor some nutrition coach. You should eat 1200 calories and I'm like that's what a child should eat you. Yes, a calorie deficit is the main principle that you can lose weight, but that is not anywhere near what you need to sustain your body in a healthy manner. So let me just tell you that. And if you're going to under eat that much, that means you're probably going to have a low protein diet. You know, because the protein dense things are usually the calorie dense things that allow you to get the higher calorie and people splurge too much on the other end also, but that's usually what it is.
Speaker 1:Most people are usually at like a most people that work out and have some sense of what it looks like to be healthy. They are usually at around a like 12 to 1600 calorie diet and they're lacking in protein because it's easier to get the carbs in. You know, limit the fats down. It's easy to get the carbs in and then they just don't have enough protein and that's why they get stuck in a certain position. So, with all that, right there, that was what five sentences I just said. It's super easy to get fixated on that when you are now, have that at the forefront of your mind. You know you take it from. Okay. Okay, I want to focus maybe a four out of ten on my diet till it becomes a 10 out of 10, super quick super quick and like ways that I used to manage that before were like weighing myself often to for accountability and, like you know, restricting here and there and like.
Speaker 2:Okay, like, in order to lose weight, you have to restrict. But, like for someone who has such a heavy disordered past with food, it's a slippery slope and I haven't weighed myself in two and a half years. I don't know what I weigh, um and I, I have gained weight since then. I know I have, cause my clothes have changed. It's one of those like healing and recovery is so important for me. And now how do I incorporate this into my life in a less, I guess, like consuming way?
Speaker 1:Yeah, I love that One of the last things on the open that maybe I'm not willing to do all those things again, but I'm willing to do X, Y and Z, and that it's going to make me feel good. I don't need to be that competitive crossword person anymore, but X, Y and Z about me makes me feel good and this is who I am, you know.
Speaker 2:And it is so hard. I think it is harder comparing myself to myself than comparing myself to anyone else, cause I know I have the capacity.
Speaker 1:Right.
Speaker 2:That's the worst part is like well then, why can't I fucking do it?
Speaker 1:Yeah, oh, my God, that's the. That's a tough part. So, like for you, like obviously you you already see this in yourself, right? What are some of the ways that you are getting over, like being upset or whatever feelings you're feeling about that, the open right now and just who you used to be versus who you are right now. What are some ways that you're managing it?
Speaker 2:I mean, the first thing is like this is not my life, I am not getting paid to do this. Like I am doing this because it is fun, I'm doing this because it makes my body feel good, hopefully most times and I'm doing it for the community aspect of it all. Right, like I, I, my job is very isolating. I really need those connections and it is the easiest place to get them and I've been doing it for eight years with most of these people. So it's coming back to that. But, like, the biggest thing I found is I'm just so tired all the time. I'm so tired and I'm like what's the point sometimes? Like what's the point? You're never gonna be that person you were before, so why are you even?
Speaker 1:and it's just, it's just like that, that headspace that can be really really, really hard to get out of yeah that there's like that shadow self, that imposter syndrome that starts telling you like the what's the point thing is, hitting the nail on the head like why am I even doing this? You know, yeah, it's, it's all the way. All the ways that your brain can play tricks on you are so insane, you know and like my brain would do that in the middle of hard workouts.
Speaker 2:Like like I, when we did the the burpee over the dumbbell, the first, the open workout, literally, I was in my first round and at one point I like was like you, just like don't have to do this, like yeah you can't just stop. Yeah, like my brain was like arguing with itself like, no, you can't. People are watching you and, like you'll know, you'll know you could have done it.
Speaker 1:So it's like that that that battle is tough. That battle is tough. I went through that same thing on the first workout and I let it. I let it beat me too, like I was sick then, and that's definitely not my style of workout anymore, but like my judge was like hey, you can push and finish, you know.
Speaker 1:And I was like, hey, I'm not going to do that. Judge was like hey, you can push and finish, you know. And I was like, hey, I'm not gonna do that, you don't need to cheer me on to do that. But in the second workout I will say that I I pushed hard to get to like to make myself proud, you know, and I didn't have the best score. A lot of my friends beat me, but I was happy with it because I pushed what was my pushing level, you know yeah, and well, in that workout itself.
Speaker 2:Like that, the first workout, not my style of workout. The second one definitely more my style, a little bit longer. I'm really good at pacing at this point in my life. I've been doing it long enough and so, like I know that if I just like don't look, like I can't look. And I have, you know, jess, jess ryan, who's like now judged me every open workout, probably since 2018, because she knows how to like, tell me to like don't look at them, stay in your lane like you gotta. And you know that it did benefit me at the at the end, like I passed a couple of people just because I I kept to my own pace.
Speaker 2:I love it, but it's still hard because you're like I can go faster, yeah.
Speaker 1:Dude, that internal battle is the toughest one you'll ever fight, you know, because that opponent is never going away.
Speaker 2:No no.
Speaker 1:Oh man. So Melanie at the end. Here actually, one last question about that Do you put yourself in the stress of signing up for the CrossFit Open?
Speaker 2:I used to really, really, really hate it, like I used to be around a lot of people who were a lot more competitive and like not as great for my mental health, um, and like now it's just like, well, I gotta do it because I'm a coach and because, like, it's a community thing yeah so much for like let's see where I placed anymore. Like that's not. That's not the fun part for me anymore.
Speaker 1:Yeah hell, yeah, I feel that. What does the leaderboard give like a trigger, like the scale, or do you not even look at it?
Speaker 2:I honestly like just haven't looked at it much hell yeah yeah, it's wild because I still really enjoy like watching like the rogue invitational and the CrossFit Games, like I still you know, I'm still invested in certain athletes and stuff. But it's just like the Open also at this point, honestly, like isn't that much fun at the elite level because there's not much happening level, because it's not, there's not much happening. It's not like the workouts aren't exciting to watch people who are at that level.
Speaker 1:Do them see. Tia and brooke made it through. They didn't even do any muscle-ups in that last workout. We had an athlete here. She got one round of the second workout. She still made it through quarterfinals.
Speaker 1:You know it's just super exciting, you know I totally get that, but overall across it, like something you were just saying, like there is bigger storylines going on now, like because there's more media around, people are like telling like how they're in it and stuff. And I think you're a little similar to me. I like stuff like that. Like I like hearing about people and and all the stuff behind the scenes.
Speaker 2:So oh yeah, that's, I mean, gossip is the main reason I became a therapist.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:I love hearing gossip, so like, yes, I want to know.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like all the stuff about the people. All right, Mel, this has been a great episode. Tell us at the end, here with you you being on a new things, what are you?
Speaker 2:hungry for right now is getting to a place, financially and like mentally, where I can get another pug, a sibling for Oscar, and then we love dog goals.
Speaker 1:That's what we have with that one. Right now to my relationship.
Speaker 2:Dog goals. Is that right? And then what I'm really hungry for is I would really like to be in Italy drinking wine and eating cheese, and that is our goal for this year is to save up enough money to take like a food tour in Italy, because like food and cooking and all of that is very important in my relationship and like that is really what we want to do.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:I love it.
Speaker 1:You know a person that we have in common, Aaliyah Miller. Right, she always talks to me and my girlfriend because we post like us going out to dinner all the time. She wants to come home to PA and go on a food tour right Of all the best places. I'll have to get you and Justin in on that if she ever comes back home.
Speaker 2:So in on it.
Speaker 1:Aaliyah Come home. So maybe it's in the fall, you know, but after that in the fall, let's go food tour.
Speaker 2:In the fall, philly is beautiful Like hell. Yeah, we can do a taco tour. We could, whatever, whatever, we can take different neighborhoods. Have you ever been to that? What is it? Dim Dim or Bing Bing.
Speaker 1:Dim Sum. Where is it? Dim Dim Dim Sum in South philly? Oh, oh, my god, taylor, you have to go. I'm gonna put that on the list right now. Julie, and I have, like, uh, one of those shared dms where you could share all the stuff into. Yeah, I'll put that in there right now I love that you're a foodie.
Speaker 2:We yeah talk more about it oh my god.
Speaker 1:And she really made me into a more one. I was always like that person that was like I'll try whatever your dish is on the menu that you have like, even if it's weird. Always like that person that was like I'll try whatever your dish is on the menu that you have like, even if it's weird stuff like that, like at Unconch, this place got the $100 burger. It was crappy but it's whatever. And then Julia takes me. She's opened up my food palette a lot more, you know, because she is like Korean born. So her coming here she has tuned into all the Korean places and the Asian food places that are more authentic, you know, and she's always taking me to those places. She took me to a hot pot place for the first time, like where you cook the food. That meat was so good, it was so different.
Speaker 2:We have one of those in Northeast Philly that apparently is really good that we've been wanting to go to yeah.
Speaker 1:Go check it out, if you've never been there. It is one of those places where you cook your own food, but it's still really good, you know.
Speaker 2:And it's interactive and fun.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's, that's why we go to you know it's. It makes the date like a little bit more fun too. You know you got to keep that relationship spark going on. You know it's been a great episode. Thanks for coming on and talking with us again. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Thanks for.