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Learnings and Missteps
The Learnings and Missteps Podcast is about unconventional roads to success and the life lessons learned along the way.
You will find a library of interviews packed with actionable take aways that you can apply as you progress on your career path.
Through these interviews you will learn about the buttons you can push to be a better leader, launch a business, and build your influence.
Find yourself in their stories and know that your path is still ahead of you.
Learnings and Missteps
Chelsea Boateng: Empowering Women to Own Their Story
Reclaiming the Voice of Professional Moms with Chelsea Boateng
In this episode of the Learnings and Missteps podcast, host Jesse interviews Chelsea Boateng, founder of The Professional Parent. Chelsea shares her expertise in helping high-achieving women navigate the intersection of professional and motherhood identities. They discuss the mental and emotional load carried by mothers, the importance of reclaiming one's voice, and the steps women can take to design a life that aligns with their values and desires. Chelsea emphasizes the need to break free from societal and cultural conditioning to create a balanced life. The conversation is insightful and filled with personal anecdotes and practical advice for women looking to redefine their successes and find joy in their accomplishments.
Connect with Chelsea at:
Facebook: @The Professional Parent
Instagram: @the_professional_parent
Tik-Tok: @the_professional_parent
https://calendly.com/thriveforwardcoaching/30min
00:00 Introduction and Guest Introduction
00:45 Chelsea's Background and Mission
02:22 Challenges of Balancing Motherhood and Career
04:58 Personal Experiences and Reflections
06:59 Communication and Relationship Dynamics
16:44 Strategies for Effective Communication
29:51 Owning Your Business and Breaking Cycles
30:13 Balancing a Dream Job and Personal Relationships
31:51 Setting Alarms for Relationship Check-ins
33:59 The Emotional Labor of Women
40:20 Reclaiming Your Voice and Values
49:23 The 12-Week Transformation Program
53:24 Connecting with Chelsea for Coaching
56:28 The Promise You Are Intended to Be
01:00:00 Final Thoughts and Free Book Offer
Design the Life You have Always Wanted: https://www.depthbuilder.com/do-the-damn-thing
Download a PDF copy of Becoming the Promise You are Intended to Be
https://www.depthbuilder.com/books
Even if you're not quite that person that you know necessarily is born to speak. Everybody deserves to have their voice heard.
Speaker 2:What is going on L&M family Back again, and this time I got a super awesome guest that does some magical wizardry that is going to resonate with everybody because she does stuff with moms and, like we all have one of those, she is a seasoned navigator of professional and motherhood identity, which, if you know that, clashes very often unfairly. It's what it is, but she's helping with that and it's not something that she studies or conceptually thinks about. She's a mother of four and she's the founder of Be Professional Parent. Her name is Ms Chelsea. Oh, I didn't even see your name right. How do I say your last name?
Speaker 1:That's okay, it's Boateng.
Speaker 2:Boateng.
Speaker 1:Yes, very good, you got it.
Speaker 2:She is the founder of Professional Parent, Ms Chelsea Boateng, coming in. We connected on a group call with Fabi and we're getting better at our messaging and all the Learnings and Missteps podcast, where you get to see how real people just like you are sharing their gifts and talents to leave this world better than they found it. I'm Jesse, your selfish servant, and we are about to get to know Miss Chelsea. Miss Chelsea, how are you doing?
Speaker 1:I am doing wonderful. I'm so excited to be here with you today. I love your energy and I feel like it matches mine, so it's all we all know it's going to be good.
Speaker 2:All right, that's a warning, folks. This might be a six hour podcast. You never know. And, folks, I'm just going to spill the beans. This is Chelsea's first ever podcast, so this is going to be. This is the bottom of the barrel. Everything is all upheld from here. She's going to be amazing.
Speaker 1:What are you talking about?
Speaker 2:I love it. I love it, all right. So I got a real simple question. So I got a real simple question. Yeah, why is helping women navigate parenthood and their professional experience meaningful to you?
Speaker 1:Wow, you just started the six-hour train here. No, so you know, at the real core of it, women make up 50% of our planet, right? And what we notice with research and statistics and just kind of like movements is 50% of the planet is doing like 67% of the work. And I don't necessarily mean like men aren't contributing, because of course they are, but what we notice is that even though women have gravitated into the workplace, pretty much out of requirement I know, for me, my house can't function with a one-person income, so it's required that we have two incomes and for most people, especially in America at this point, that's the case. And so what we've noticed is that we've taken women and we've put them in the workforce and said, yes, you can be all that, you can be, reach for the stars and then they become mothers, which they probably wanted to do. For the population that I work with, most of them, it was planned for, or at least you know it was something that they really wanted. And then they get into motherhood and they're in their professional career and they realize they are doing the lion's share of the work and also have not been given the skills and tools and strategies to use their voice to say hold up, what's happening here. I didn't sign up for this, this is not what I thought it was going to be. And they don't know how to use their voice because then they're told well, you're ungrateful, didn't you want this? No, this was your dream, and sure it was the dream, but the dream kind of didn't exactly pan out the way that you were hoping for, because I think if you look at it and you talk to most women, the dream is joy, yes, with your family and being able to find your purpose, not burying all of that so you can be this over-functioning, silent workhorse in your career and at home.
Speaker 1:And that was me and I for a long time. That was me, and not because I didn't have a partner who cared. I've been married for oh, I think we're gone 10 years now. Yeah, so you know I've been married for 10 years. I've been married for oh, I think we're gone 10 years now. Yeah, so you know I've been married for 10 years. I've had kids for a little bit after that, my oldest twins are nine and then I have a four-year-old and a two-year-old. So I'm in the thick of it and also have had, you know, them grow up a little bit and what I realized is, you know, it wasn't that my partner didn't care at all or that I didn't care, but both of us had this like conditioning and we developed these like patterns of behavior, especially me as a woman, and especially as an ambitious, high achieving woman. I had developed these patterns of behavior that were silent, they were over-functioning and I was applauded for doing those things.
Speaker 2:So they were reinforced.
Speaker 1:They were reinforced. They said yes, you're amazing, I can't believe you did all that. That's crazy. You know you just have it all together. You know we'll figure it out, aka, I'll figure it out and somebody else will benefit, right.
Speaker 1:And so I recognize that, like everybody would say to me, I love the life that you live, you have such a beautiful life and I would say and I would nod and say, yes, I'm so grateful, I'm so blessed, and on the inside I'm screaming because I'm saying I don't feel that this is beautiful. What do you mean? This is beauty, you know.
Speaker 2:I do. Well, I don't know, because I'm on the other side of that coin, right. Yeah, I assume, and here's the degree of how I know, I got a lot of exes, chelsea. I got two ex-wives and I got a whole lot of other exes that I tried to count and I have no idea and I think not entirely, but there is an end. Part of the reason, one of the many reasons that they're exes, is because of that. Now I'm going to say some of it.
Speaker 2:I was blind, but, as you were taught, and again, because of conditioning, right, the conditions around us say there's these expectations for a dude, there's expectations for a lady, and then we just kind of adopt it and it's what it is. That's not an excuse, it's a reality we deal with Now, I will say for sure, my second wife you know I can keep count of all the wives she asked me for a divorce and I thought the marriage was phenomenal, it was the ultimate. I'm like what in the world? Where is this coming from? Right, we got the three bed. We didn't have any kids. Three bedroom house, two car garage, the truck, the car, vacations I'm deep sea fishing at least once a month, playing softball four nights a day. What's the problem?
Speaker 1:I don't see your problem.
Speaker 2:Exactly. But my point in sharing that was I was blind to what her experience was for, whatever right, and I'll say I didn't care to understand what her, I was doing my job, yeah, that was my perspective. Now, what was happening with her and what made it easy for her to say, yeah, okay, fine, forget it. I mean it wasn't that easy, but eventually it got there was the level of resentment that she had built up for against me for all of the micro cuts that I was delivering by being deaf, dumb and blind to what was happening. That was the core of the thing, and so I share that. So you've mentioned the lion's share of the work. I want to dig into that here in a second, but first I want to like back to your experience. People are saying this is so amazing. You're a super mom and you're Wonder Woman, like all of these things, and you're like shut the hell up, I'm miserable.
Speaker 1:And I don't want to be.
Speaker 2:So, like this resentment thing I'm going to say comes from not having the tools to articulate dissatisfaction, can we talk about that A hundred?
Speaker 1:percent. That is literally the core of the women that I help and, honestly, what I went through and you know, so I'll get into that in a second we're going to do the LNM family member shout out, and this one goes to Miss Laura Nelson.
Speaker 2:Miss Laura took the time to leave this comment on a post on the LinkedIn. She says this line hit hard. Self-reliance was part of my sickness. Receiving help was the medicine. Congratulations on nine years. What a gift you're giving by sharing your story and your book. And so, folks, if you don't know, on June 23rd I celebrated nine years of sobriety. All of you out there, the L&M family, y'all are 100% contributors to me, my ability to stay on the path. Amazing supportive comments like that, shares and ratings and all the other things also contribute to me staying on the path. And so, please, if you take the time to leave a comment, leave a review, all the things. It gives me a beautiful excuse to shout you out in a future episode.
Speaker 1:I mostly have women who, like, are kind of in that like zero to five, like their age ranges are, like for their kids are zero to five. Sometimes they have one, sometimes it's two, you know, whatever it is more. But and I would wonder if you can attest to this too, because while women are feeling that resentment and lack of trust with their partners, also feeling that lack of trust and resentment because they can't do anything right and so, yeah, so it's this idea of you know well, you don't trust me to do anything with the kids. You don't trust, like, every time I do something, you go ahead and you do it over or you just assume that I can't, you didn't even ask me. And so the women oh my gosh, is he ever going to see? You know what I'm doing and step in to help and the guys. Every time I try to step in to help. You know what I'm doing and step into help and the guys. Every time I try to step into help.
Speaker 2:I do it wrong.
Speaker 1:I do it wrong and she tells me to redo it or something like that, and so it's so. You know, my goal in life, actually someday along the road, would be to support women who are like almost in that like pregnancy stage, before the resentment and trust. I'm not quite there yet, but before that resentment and trust, because there's a lot of repair that needs to be done when you're in that stage, and I also do like kind of partner work, you know, to support that. And so I think what happens, kind of going back to your original question, with that, resentment is it is resentment, resentment is it is resentment. But what I've discovered for myself and I think a lot of times with women, if they can take that step to see it, the resentment isn't their partner, they're projecting it on their safe person. The resentment is where they are in life and how they got there. They're resenting themselves. But what I have discovered and what my goal is to shift for women is that, if you can say, this is a choice you get to change it.
Speaker 2:I love that, because you and I are 100% aligned. This is not about blame, no, it's about ownership. Yes, only your part of the problem.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right, I'm going to quote my buddy, sean Moran. He said this on the call. I was like, oh, that's freaking genius, I'm stealing it. He said no matter what every problem we experience, we are at least 1% of that problem. Yes, yes, minimum yes, and so not blame, it's taking ownership. Now I want to go back to the other side, because the resentment I can, we can feel it right, we know that there's this growing force field, but that's thickening between us when we're in those relationships. And you know one, the nitpickiness about whatever the behavior is like. I don't play that game anymore. That's why I'm single. I'm like I don't have pets, people or plants in my life because I ain't got time for that, right.
Speaker 1:My energy is my energy.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly, and so, but here's the. Here's what me specifically. I can't say it's the same thing for all men, but what ends up happening is it all becomes static, Mm-hmm, Like it all just sounds the same because it never says anything. It never. When I say it, like the, I'll give you this very specific example and this is dumb, but this is how dense I am my, my ex at when we were together. She's like here's the problem is, you're playing softball all the time, You're fishing all the time, and you work all the time. You're playing softball all the time, You're fishing all the time and you work all the time.
Speaker 2:And I'm like, okay. And she's like well, you stay late, you go to work, you leave the house at five 30. You're not on the clock till seven. You don't get home till six or 7 PM and you get out like the. I know the guys leave at three 30.
Speaker 2:I was a foreman at the time. I was a plumbing foreman and I'm like, yeah, but I need to learn how to get good at the job. I'm putting extra time because I want to learn and succeed. It was like the first or second project I was ever the foreman on. And her brain she's like I don't care, fool, You're getting paid eight hours, that's my time, but that was the idea anyways. So she's like I want you home. Okay, so I would come home. And she's in the other room and I'm like why the hell am I home If we're not going to be together, like I could be learning and getting ahead at my job? So then that kind of. Then I was like, okay, well, then I'm going to have some beers with the guys, which I was a heavy drinker. Like I said, I'm nine years sober now, but back then I was drinking all the time, Thank you.
Speaker 2:And I would get in trouble for getting home late, for not coming home when I said I was going to come. Well, we found out at the end of it, it didn't matter if I was at the bar, if I was at work, if I was at the ballpark or fishing. What mattered was that I wasn't home with her period.
Speaker 1:And so when we finally came to like it was done.
Speaker 2:She said, man I just wanted you home with me. And she said I thought when we got married that you would then be home. And I said you never said that, right, yes, right. You never said those words I want you home with me. What I heard was you're working too much, you're out with the guys too much, you're playing ball too much, and when I'm home, the TV's too loud, you're watching the wrong channel. Why do you always got to play? At the time I was playing Lord of the Rings on my PlayStation. I'm like so it doesn't matter. Like no matter what, I'm doing something wrong. What I didn't understand and what would have helped was that very clear language of I want you home, right. That was the issue, and that didn't come out until six years.
Speaker 1:Yes, exactly six years.
Speaker 2:Yes, exactly In terms of what you do with mothers. What does that look like? Helping? I'm going to say it this way. It may not be like help clarify this for me, but what does it look like to help somebody who doesn't have the tools to speak clearly? And because I know they all think that they're being clear and direct yes, but they're not. So what does that transformation look like? How do you get them there?
Speaker 1:Yes, so excellent question. And so what has to happen first before you can start with the communication piece? Because especially the women that I work with so I'm not saying necessarily this is all women, even if you can kind of relate to this but specifically the women I work with, typically their voice is the issue where you know they've been probably since they were little have been basically told like, hey, you're too sensitive, You're too emotional, Stop talking. You know that doesn't matter, that didn't happen, you know whatever and oh, but you did an excellent job doing that, and so that's where they decided their worth is in their performance. So, specifically speaking about this, but I also think this could, you know, work with other people who didn't necessarily speak, you know, didn't necessarily have that experience. What you have to do first is you have to get rooted in your values.
Speaker 1:And you have to get rooted in you, designing the life that you actually want. If you do not know what that is, you can't communicate it. You can only like. What happened with you is communicate the symptoms. I don't like X, I don't like X, I don't like Y, why? Because for somebody else and you know, if you find another partner, maybe they don't care right. So it really you have to get rooted in what it is that you, what your values are like, what your true values are. So if that is, you know, a value of ours, yours, that or, sorry, whoever's, if your value is when we're done with work. We're done with work and we're coming home and we're going to spend time together or we're going to be at home, what does that look like? You know that kind of thing. So the values piece is huge because you have to figure out what it is you want Now. That's going to change, it's going to evolve. You know it might look differently now than it does later, and that's okay.
Speaker 1:But having those continuous, you know, like inner reflections for yourself oh hey, that didn't sit right with me Before I communicate, why didn't that sit right with me? Like, why did that? Why did I respond in that way? And sometimes it's later, sometimes it's after a fight and you don't know why you were triggered. You evolve, but you know you have to sit with yourself because you were triggered and so that's your ownership.
Speaker 1:Why were you triggered? You could have the best reason ever, but you still have to figure out why you were triggered, to figure out what it is that you want differently, and so that's one of the things that I do. It's kind of like that first phase for the women that I work with is kind of really rooting yourself and reclaiming what it is that you want in your life, because if you don't have that foundation, then you can't communicate it, you can't tell other people. So that's kind of the first piece, and then the next piece once you've kind of figured that out for yourself again, at least baseline, at least you know the real basics, what-.
Speaker 2:Have an idea right.
Speaker 1:And I always because that can seem like a huge thing, right. So what I do when I work with women well, this is what I do with anybody, but specifically when I work with my population is what is the thing that's most impactful for you right now? What is the thing that hurts the most? Start there. Now some women are like no, thank you. I'm like okay, if you don't want to do that, then what's the easiest thing? So it's on the spectrum. I meet them where they're at. But that's usually I try to start with most impactful first, because you know if you can get that part piece a little bit shifted, you know you start at least feeling better, you start seeing that results, but some of it.
Speaker 2:Okay, this is going to be, this is going to be a good thing. Exactly.
Speaker 1:And so usually I kind of start there. I don't do everything, and then so, once you kind of get rooted in, ok, this thing is impactful for me. What is it that? What's my value? What's my desire? What's my, what's my need? What's happening for me here? Let me get clear on that. And then what happens?
Speaker 1:Is you need to rebuild the systems? Is you need to rebuild the systems? And part of those systems are the communication systems. That is crucial to a successful partnership in anything. There's a reason we're over-meeting Seth. I don't care what profession you're in, you have too many meetings. That could have been an email, yes, I know that, and so the reason is, though, is because communication is huge and we don't do that in our relationships. Yeah, we don't do that, and then, when you bring children into it, it's so challenging, especially young children to make sure that you have that time, and so what I share with women is you know, the woman that I work with is to rebuild those systems. You have to have pre-planned, scheduled as sexy as that sounds time with your partner, sexy as that sounds, time with your partner, that you're both at baseline, that you are both. There's some ground rules.
Speaker 2:We use nonviolent communication principles use your iMessages right, which I know is cliche, but there's a reason it's powerful because it doesn't trigger the other person Exactly, and part of it is.
Speaker 1:I need to get to the root of this. If you're in a partnership and you started off in your partnership loving and caring about your partner, and your partner loves and cares for you Now, again, I'm not saying that our relationships are like that and I'm talking about the ones that are, though you know, especially my. You know high performing, high achieving women. They found their powerhouse partner Like they have vetted, and they chose, you know, their partner accordingly. And again, you know things happen, but in general, you know you both got together because you loved and cared for one another. So, bringing that energy in and reminding yourselves of that, having any type of like ritual that helps remind you of that, but something like that where it's like every week, you know we are going to talk about how things are going. Yeah, whatever it is, what was great for you this week? What happened with you this week? Now, with your point, as I'm going to use you as an example for a second and so you were sharing about how you wanted to get ahead in your job with learning being a foreman, right? Yep.
Speaker 1:So what would happen in these meetings? Right, and again, I have less somewhat structure, but they are organic, like they're what you want it to be, but essentially you would have the opportunity to say hey, babe, I am so excited about learning this thing. You know, I really, you know, I decided that this is where I want to go. You know, for right now, and I really want to do this thing. How can we make it work so that I can do this thing? But you know I love you and I know it means I'm going to take that time away from us. How can we make it work that I still get to you know, connect with you and also get to do this thing that I really want to do? Yeah, you see that difference Totally.
Speaker 1:It's such a different conversation and then she potentially I don't know who she is, so if she hears this, I'm sorry if I'm speaking for you, but she may have had the opportunity to say wow, that's going to be really hard for me because this thing, whatever it is, you know this is coming up for me, and then you can talk about it and figure it out Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so, and what I found too is and in this example you were using you and didn't have that, that, you know experience but what I found is most men of course I'm not a man, so sorry if I'm speaking for people, but most men find it easier to say that Most women do not find it easy to say I'm excited about this thing and I'm going to need your help to make it happen.
Speaker 1:I mean, that's a foreign concept for most women, especially women that I work with that have that kind of like those patterns of behavior that have left them in like the silent overfunction. And so it's really getting kind of to the root of that and validating that. You know you are also allowed to have your joys and your passions and your needs and your wants just as much as anybody else that you're taking care of and that you're giving. And so how do you create the systems and structures to be able to use that voice and know that it's not going to be dismissed or that it's not going to be, you know, kind of taken lightly or you know, whatever the case is, because that is, I mean seriously a game changer?
Speaker 2:Agreed, agreed. So here's what I heard, and it's a super justification of it, which means I'm just going to be super, super simple. Love it. You're working with them. And these are mothers, right? Yes, women that have children and professional the whole thing right, the superheroes of our country. It's ownership, values, communication systems and structure. I'm a huge advocate of ownership For me. I read the book Men's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl, and there's one quote in there that just transformed the way I saw the world. It said there's a space between stimulus and response. Within that space lies my power to choose, yes, and the more I use that power, the bigger the space becomes Like oh, I can't be a victim anymore. It's not, she made me mad, he made me no, no, no, no, no. I responded to the stimulus yes.
Speaker 1:I responded in anger.
Speaker 2:Correct and then getting clear on our values. Back to my side of it. I didn't know this back then. It took me a while and now I'm super clear. Like I will not sacrifice the amount of time, effort and energy that my goals require. It's a value of mine. Like I can pretend to like yes, I'm not going to answer my phone, I'm not going to check my email, I'm not going to think about work. That's a lie. I'm not going to think about work. That's a lie. If that is a problem and it will be we don't need to even go any further. Right, that's why I don't have people, plants or pets in my life, because I got clear about what my now. But here's the thing, right, most relationships we're in our damn twenties, so yeah.
Speaker 2:I know we're working on what we're doing right. So I think that situation, naturally it's a loose foundation.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But back to what I love about what you're saying is okay, we're going to work on ownership, Then we're going to get clear about what your values are, progressively right.
Speaker 1:It's not like a test that you pass or fail.
Speaker 2:No, these are my 10 values forever. Right, exactly Because you said it earlier. We evolve as human beings. And then the communication because it's something I like to help remind people is making mouth noise does not qualify as communication, right Intentional communication and listening. Yes, If we are not listening to words, body language, tone, tempo, the communication is not happening. Yeah, if you told me again I want you home by 9 o'clock, okay.
Speaker 1:Sounds great, I can do that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I'm not going to be home by 9 o'clock, so I didn't receive the. So I love that. And then the systems and structure. I agree. I mean here maybe I'll get some bonus points back from your audience, miss chelsea, because I know there's probably people like jesse you're such a jerk yes, I am, and I'm okay with it. No, I'm not a jerk. I yes, I am, and I'm okay with it. No, I'm not a jerk, I'm just pretty selfish.
Speaker 2:So another relationship, another amazing, very accomplished woman that I got to spend some time with, that kicked me out. Part of the problem was similar scenario Like this cycle has played out so many times. So, guys, let me try this. Guys out there. L and M family member, all you dudes, all my bros, stop being a fool, man, own your business. You're playing through the same game, the running the same place, having the same cycles, and you can make a decision.
Speaker 2:Anyways, this one relationship came like it's falling apart, and I had started a new job. Right, I got, I got recruited to have this regional position big giant responsibility. Why Like? It was amazing, like a dream job. Right, I got recruited to have this regional position big giant responsibility, it was amazing, like a dream job, but still a dream job when I had it. And so the way I function is when there's a new challenge, it is the sole 100% thing that is going to get all my attention.
Speaker 2:It was a traveling role, so I was flying all over the country to do my job and in my brain I'm going to leave out Sunday evening so that I can be ready and on-site or at the office at 7 o'clock in the morning on Monday and I'm going to fly home Friday night because I need to go and make relationships, learn the business, learn the people. Now I understand. Here's the part that is hard. It's a a hard sell, but it's for real in my head by the when I leave to the airport, I'm working. I'm not thinking about texting or calling or checking in like it's not in my brain. I know that's not okay, it just isn't. And so she was like bro, like you don't even call you. What am I supposed to think? I'm like, um, then I'm working Right, but I recognize that's an unreasonable expectation.
Speaker 2:So here's where I think I got brownie points when she was articulate, cause she was like this was a good thing, cause it wasn't a lot of the passive, aggressive miscommunications. It was clearly a misalignment of values, right, that I overlooked, or maybe we overlooked. Anyways, she was like, dude, like that's not okay, you like that is not okay for you not to call, check in, just to totally forget about me. I'm like, but I didn't forget, I'm just not calling you Right. So I said, okay, that's, I can do that. So I set an alarm on my calendar, on my Outlook calendar. I said at 6.03, and I picked weird numbers, sure, so it wasn't like right, 6.03, I'm going to text her good morning. At 11.48, I'm going to give her a call. That's lunchtime-ish, and then in the evening, about 5.42, I'm going to call or text her also. And I'd have these reminders because if I didn't have them, I was just going to I'm in the zone, yeah, and so I'm thinking well, first let me ask you do I get points for that?
Speaker 1:A hundred percent. You built a system, you listened, you put something in place to support you and what she was saying, absolutely Right.
Speaker 2:Oh, it didn't give me no point. Sister, I know that you put that thing in your stupid calendar. I'm like, but I did what you want. And so again, people are buying a thing. This dude's a nutcase. Yes, I had to do that. And so then I'm like, but I'm doing what you asked me to, and it's kind of like the I can't remember some friends that show. I want you to want to wash the dishes, yeah, at the breakup.
Speaker 1:I was just going to say that, where are you, where are you? I was just going to bring that up. Is that I want you to want to do the dishes?
Speaker 2:And girl, that ain't going to happen, and so I share all of that. One, because I like letting people know how sick I am in the head, but two for the guys out there if you have a thing that is a non-negotiable, that is going to be a problem, bring it up early. Don't hide it, don't be the polish it up knight in shining armor and then take off the mask later. Just be who you are. So I'm sorry I'm doing more talking than I should, but I love the ownership, I love the values. Communication systems completely agree, and here's what I think is ultimate about it is that it's replicable and people can progress at their own rate, which I'm sure you're guiding them down that path to get them there.
Speaker 2:Now I want to go back to the lion's share of the work and I want to say this first. I was raised by a single mom and people asked the question of what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail? Here's what I would do. I would build a program or an experience where I could equip single mothers with the skills to earn money doing what they love and provide affordable housing while they were doing that. 100% Right, because I know what that women sacrifice their professional careers, they sacrifice their social career, they sacrifice a lot to have kids. I get it Now in terms of the lion's share of the work, because that's a phrase you've used a couple. Are you talking about the emotional labor? Are you talking about the house chores? What constitute the lion's share of the work?
Speaker 1:Yeah, so what I typically the way that I talk about it is more it's the emotional labor and the mental load labor of managing kind of the not only your house, but if you have that pattern of behavior in your own house, you also probably have it at work as well, and that's what at least I've noticed, in that I actually call them powerhouse patterns because it's this idea of there's these certain patterns of behavior that most especially, like high achieving women have, and what happens is at work you know your HR or your boss says here's your slice of the work and you just put that powerhouse pattern in there and then you're great and you clock off. And then you come home and there's no HR team to give you the slice, you have the whole pie. So it's really this idea of that invisible emotional labor that you are constantly having in your head and also it could be doing the physical tasks, like that is part of it. And when I say physical tasks, like there's a difference between you know, a partner having to mow the lawn once a week and having to do 462 loads of laundry every day, you split up and you say I'm going to do the yard work and I'm going to do the laundry. One is inherently more than the other, right, and you know there's memes and things like that about that all over, but really so there's that aspect, but it's not only just the laundry it's thinking about.
Speaker 1:Okay, it's Sunday night. Does everybody have at least five outfits that they can wear for the next week? Because we can't send them to school naked, right, why not? I will have to call ZBS. You know Zabi will have to call ZBS, or we can't send them in stained clothing, although that's happened before.
Speaker 1:So it's keeping track of that. It's keeping track of okay, on Tuesdays, I have to make sure my oldest had their recorders and the kids had, you know, the other two had this for daycare. I have to make sure, oh, whose wellness appointments are coming up. You know who's scheduling all those things who needs this haircut, who needs this permission slip coming up? You know who's scheduling all those things, who needs this haircut, who needs this permission slip. So it's keeping track of that and also having that fine balance of that emotional work of okay. So kids are this way and you're this way and partner's this way. And now there's some conflict and I'm going to come in and stabilize or, you know, soothe the situation over and, hey guys, we can't say this, because then it's going to trigger this, and with all of that, then you're only taking care of everybody else, like your whole brain is consumed by taking care of anybody else and everybody's like, oh yeah, you're awesome, you're amazing.
Speaker 1:And inside you're like, yeah, but I'm not enjoying this, like I'm not, this is not what I want to do. And so when I say the lion's share of the work, it can be kind of like that physical task, you know, type thing. But it's really this idea of like on the day to day. How much mental energy and time women spend on working on other people's wants, needs and desires is far more typically I wouldn't say all, but typically than men, and because of that societal and family and cultural conditioning, not so much because they can't or they won't or, you know, they don't care to.
Speaker 2:Yeah, oh, my goodness, I love this Because you probably know what my response would be Like whatever they're going to wear, if they don't wash their own clothes, they're going to wear dirty ass clothes, right, and I'm okay with that. Right Now, this question might not make sense, so please challenge it. How much of the work that you do in this, because I completely understand agree, 100% the emotional labor, the thought, the cognitive load that mothers and women take on is astronomically greater than any men I know, and I know a bunch of them. Right, it's like why would you do that, anyways? So my question is this knowing that's a fact, accept it to be a fact how much of the work that you do is helping the women that you work with? Let go of some of the small crap, yes, A lot of it.
Speaker 1:It really is Okay. Good, a hundred percent. Yeah, because the thing is for me is I'm actually the looser between me and my husband about sending the kids in with dirty clothes, like I use that as an example. But for me, yeah, I actually implemented a rule because they're older and I was like if it doesn't get in the basket, it's not getting washed. So if you have to go in dirty underwear, then that's for you, because I'm washing if it's in the basket.
Speaker 2:I've done that all my life.
Speaker 1:Whereas my husband be like no, you have to go change your clothes. So it's interesting, and I'll actually speak to that in a second, because I think that's an important piece of the values alignment. But part of what is helpful in rooting in values is then to be able to say okay, if these are your values and this is how you want to design your motherhood. I also use this tool of figuring out what your highest use is. So, for example, I'll use me as an example. I do not go grocery shopping. I use Instacart. Absolutely my highest use is not going to the store and picking up my produce. If I get a bad batch of avocados this one week sorry, we're not having avocados, like you know. Like.
Speaker 1:I don't care enough about it. Most of my groceries will be great. It helps keep me on budget and I can do it throughout the week. Hit submit on the weekend. Go pick it up. It's 15 minutes away and I don't have to spend two hours, you know, in the grocery store.
Speaker 2:Rambling the kid, getting them ready to go to like all of that Exactly.
Speaker 1:I don't have to do that. So that's one way for me. Now I will say now, if your job is a chef, that could be your highest use, right? So I'm not saying, I'm just saying for me personally, you have to figure out. So it's this combination of what are your values, your desires, your wants, your needs, and then is that what you're prioritizing in your life? Now I'm not saying there's going to be things that you can avoid, Like you have to do things that you don't like. That's different, Right. But is there a way I actually have my clients do what's called like an Eisenhower matrix?
Speaker 1:Oh, I don't know, I don't know if you've ever heard of that, but essentially, yes, but really, if it's not in the category of like need and highest priority that you need to do both professionally and at home, then is there somebody else that can do it, or does it even have to get done? Is it even something that matters? Right, yes, and part of that also is that you know repatterning of behaviors and it's that that d or that word is escaping me the, the Basically getting rid of those societal and cultural and family messages. Because even when women are doing things that they know they be true, following your instincts and your gut about, do you have happy, healthy, you know children and are you doing what's best for them? You know, then, okay, the rest of it doesn't matter and we can let some of that go, and that can be. That's really challenging to kind of get through, but it 100% can be done.
Speaker 1:And what I tell women a lot is and people in general. But your brain is rewiring itself constantly and so if your baseline is here and your pathways are here, if you spend the next 12 weeks with me and I'm asking you to do something repetitively, by the end of the 12 weeks your brain's going to start rewiring. So that's the new baseline and you'll do it automatically. And so, even when women are like oh I don't know, like I'm not sure if I'm, and I'm like, do it anyway, just try, even if you don't believe it's gonna work, even if you're like this is the dumbest thing, I don't care, just do it anyway. We one, you'll gain your confidence in doing it and, two, you're gonna start to see that it's easier and your brain starts to think that way.
Speaker 1:It's like taking a deep breath after the stimuli, before the response. If you can train your brain to do that, it will do it right. You can train your thoughts the same way as your behaviors, where, if your child goes out of the house and they have food on their pants and your original reaction was, oh my gosh, people are going to think I'm the worst human being ever and that I never do laundry to well, that sucks for them. But you can retrain your brain that way and it takes some time and it takes some effort and rewiring, but you can do it. And then you get rid of that anxiety that you had for really no reason other than what you thought society was going to think about you.
Speaker 2:Oh my God, Chelsea. Okay, I imagine that when you're working with these powerful women, powerful professional mothers, that every now and then there's a lot of tears.
Speaker 1:Oh, a hundred percent for both of us sometimes.
Speaker 2:Yes, I'm an empathetic crier. You know I'm not guess, right, you can cry. I've worked, actually I've worked with another amazing woman and she was like Jesse, I cry a lot. I cry when I'm happy, I cry when I'm sad and I'm like okay, how would you like me to respond? She's actually, I would like it if you just didn't pay, didn't even acknowledge it doing it.
Speaker 1:I was like oh great, I can do that. I got back.
Speaker 2:No problem, sister. And it was one time it was a real sad situation. She was crying and I just kept going with like the instructions, what were, the plan was and whatever. And some somebody else in the meeting is like dude, do you not even see that? She's crying? Like, yeah, but she cries all the time and she's like this was fine. Anyways, fast forward. Afterwards she's like Jess, you know, when you told me you weren't going to have a problem, I didn't believe you, but there's something wrong with you the way you have like no problem at all, like yeah, fair enough. Anyways, that's side note. But back to the tears. What I recognize is when people have that shift, that transformative shift around. Oh, I'm getting chill Around discovering that they have been playing to a script that somebody else wrote for somebody else and they have been letting these fumes of expectations govern their life for so long. Is that what you see?
Speaker 1:Yeah, and it happens at different points. I have some women that it's like two weeks in and it happens, and I have some women that it's not necessarily till maybe the end that it happens. And I've had women too who got great benefit but didn't have the shift until a little bit later after they were. You know, I'd never finished with working with anybody, but maybe later after kind of the program and but usually they tell me about it.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And because the thing is, the tears are like this cathartic release of being able to say, oh my gosh, like it's done. That's typically what I see with the tears. It's I can release that and now it's done and I can move forward, like I've let it go. And there's still going to be things that pop up, but the way that the brain works, tears are a sign of help me.
Speaker 1:Okay, that is a survival function of tears. Right, sadness and tears, but we know we cry when we're happy too, but in general tears are it's a cathartic release. It releases hormones and things like that that help us kind of move through things. But it's also assigned to other people that we need help, and so in those moments, typically what I see with tears is I can help myself, like I now know how to help myself, like I now know how to help myself, I've released it, I know what to do and it might be hard for me to implement sometimes, but I know what it's going to take for me to finally kind of escape these thoughts and these feelings and these patterns of behavior, to say, no, I'm moving on, I'm designing the life that I want, and then I can have joy and presence and engagement and not just be this background, invisible workhorse. You know that everybody praises.
Speaker 2:Right right.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, I think because I get to do similar, rather I get to have the same experiences with other people when I'm working with them and what I recognize it as like the most significant ones right, the ugly crane. Yeah, when people see right, oh, I've been playing this game Like nobody, I don't have to play that game anymore, and they forgive themselves about it.
Speaker 1:Yes.
Speaker 2:Right, like it's not being forgiving anybody. You got to forgive yourself first man Like it's okay. Oh my God, this is, it's amazing work. So it sounds like it's a 12 week deal. If I let's, I'm not a woman, but if I wanted to work with you and had kids and if I met the criteria, we'll just say that I want to get canceled here. Hey, miss Chelsea, I want to work with you. It's a 12 week deal, is it? Every day you're making me cry? What does that look like?
Speaker 1:No. So typically what it looks and the reason it's 12 weeks, it's because it's in three parts, and so I have my reclaim, redesign, rebuild, and so what it does is so it it's one-to-one each week, but then each week typically what happens is you kind of have an assignment, and so there's a series of like exercises that I'm asking you to go through. I might ask you to. This might be the.
Speaker 1:You know, the first session is usually like really getting down to your values, like those things. You know. What is it that you want? What is it that you need? What is it that you want? What is it that you need? What is it that is desired? What's that internal scream happening that nobody else gets to hear?
Speaker 1:And I want you to write that down on paper or usually type it. It's usually in a workbook, and so typically that's how that works. And then usually when we come on session, I'm asking kind of like how was that for you? What did that look like? Tell me what your values are, how is that showing up for you? And so I'm asking you to do some a little bit of homework each week, and then usually on the call is kind of when we're going through that shift of like mindset and those trigger points and kind of what's happening, and then sometimes it'll be something like, you know, I might've said, okay, you know, for the next. You know I want you to start planning with your partner when that time is for you guys to be able to connect and check in, do your check-in and kind of, how was that?
Speaker 1:Oh, it didn't happen, why didn't it happen? And you know. So then we go around that and it's a very open, nonjudgmental, like, very just, like, very just. My goal is for women to succeed, like that is literally my goal, and I feel like they have the confidence and voice and self-worth to succeed, and so the space that I hold for them is open and non-judgmental. Also because I've been there, I've 100% been in their shoes and not felt like.
Speaker 1:You know, it's a huge juxtaposition to be able to get up in front of 100 people and share presentation about expertise that you know, love and want to share with people, and then you can't go home and ask your partner if he could do bath tonight. I mean the cognitive dissonance of that. It feels shameful, like how can I be this person here and I cannot be this person. Or even I can't ask I can do this thing for my boss, but then I can't ask if we can hire another teammate because the work, you know, our client is huge and we have more work than we thought. And whatever.
Speaker 1:Ask I can do this thing for my boss, but then I can't ask if we can hire another teammate because the work, you know our client is huge and we have more work than we thought and whatever. You know things like that and so it's just, you know, kind of holding that space for them to say I've been there and I get it and I want you to be able to kind of work through that. So it's weekly one-to-one sessions and then a little bit of homework through them. Sometimes it's meditation, so I am mindfulness certified and so sometimes it's starting your self-care meditation practice, those kinds of things.
Speaker 2:Wow, okay, and so do I get a discount if I say I don't want the crying package, the nope tears?
Speaker 1:You know you can try, but I don't think it would win that bet.
Speaker 2:I haven't had one yet that hasn't cried, but again that's just the signal, like evidence of how impactful the work that you're doing, and you said something that you want to help women be successful. I think you are helping successful women enjoy their success.
Speaker 1:Yes, and redefining it.
Speaker 2:Defining yes. What does it mean?
Speaker 1:to be successful.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, reclaim, redesign, rebuild, yes. And redefining it Defining, yes. What does it mean to be successful? Yes, yes, reclaim, redesign, rebuild, yes, I mean son of a gun. That's exciting, thank you, super exciting.
Speaker 1:I love it.
Speaker 2:Now, if somebody wants to start the reclamation process, do they text you? Do they stalk you on Facebook? What's the best way for the L&M family members to find you?
Speaker 1:Absolutely so the best way is. So I am on Facebook, so I'm at the Professional Parent on Facebook, instagram and TikTok, and so any of those are fine. You can send me a DM and I'm happy to answer that the best way is really through my email, which I think I've shared with you and you know I can. It's at thriveforwardcoaching, at gmailcom and so that. So either way, however, you can connect with me either through DM or through email. What happens is I will send you a booking link, and so I'm going to ask you to book a 15-minute call and then, once you pick the call with me, I will send you a reclaim your voice audit.
Speaker 1:And so what that's going to help you do is it's going to help me figure out for you where you feel like you're not able to have your voice and then on the call we can really look at a strategy that's going to help you take that first step in reclaiming your voice. So that's the best way Now that helps you get to know me a little bit. It's not a sales call. That helps you get to know me a little bit and it helps me get to know you just to make sure that it's a right fit. I would never put anybody through my program because it's a lot that I don't think it's the right fit for them. I would try to help them find something else if they needed to, but it helps me do that and then if we both feel like it's a good fit, then I would kind of pop you on a sales call.
Speaker 2:Move forward. Figure that out. Yeah, I love it. All right. So, folks, we're going to make sure we have the links in the show notes the TikTok, the Instagram, the Facebook, the email. They'll hit you up, you'll send them an intake form, they'll schedule a call. They get a little bit of you know information that they're going to provide to you so you can better serve them. That's a fabulous intake process. I'm like thank you, I'm too lazy for that, it's your private thing, I won't talk to you, but anyways, super, super awesome. All right, are you ready for the Grand Slam home run question.
Speaker 1:Ready, okay, hit me.
Speaker 2:And I'm excited. Actually, I think there might be some tears coming from this one, because again, I kind of I know my energy probably doesn't put off how much I value and appreciate single moms or just moms in general, but the fact that you're doing something to help them reclaim their life as a professional, as a mother, as a woman, as a partner, you're having tremendous impact, not just on those women but their children and their partners and their co-workers. You're transforming worlds upon worlds through the work that you're doing, and so what that tells me is your answer to this question is going to be pretty damn deep. And so here's the question what is the promise you are intended to be?
Speaker 1:you are intended to be. The promise that I'm intended to be, I might need a little more information.
Speaker 2:Yes, and I'll give you I'll make it a long answer so you can have time to think. Yeah, so that question comes from when I was in rehab the last time one of the therapists the counselors told me the problem isn't that you haven't admitted, the problem is that you haven't accepted. I said what the hell are we talking about? Sign my paper, because I need to get out of here. He says you've admitted that you have a problem, but what you haven't accepted is that if you continue to live life this way, you will never become the promise you are intended to be. And in that moment I knew everything flashed. All the times I disappointed people, all the times I robbed hope from people, all the times that I had a glimmer of inspiration of what I could be or might be and then squished it because it really wasn't for me. That was the promise. Does that help?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah. So for me, I think the promise that I was meant to be is I was born to speak. I don't know if you know anything about human design, but I am very heavily kind of involved in human design and what I am very heavily kind of involved in human design and what I've learned about myself and confirmed. I have what they call like an open kind of throat center and four defined gates, which it's actually a lot of gates Most people don't have that many but it just means that I was born to speak and I was silenced my whole life, Silenced my whole life. I had a very toxic upbringing and I was taught my whole life, Silenced my whole life.
Speaker 1:I had a very toxic upbringing and I was taught my whole life your words don't matter. And so that part of me that is huge, it's a huge part of me. I had to figure out how to do what I was born to do, but in a way that didn't align with me. And I think, even if you're not quite that person right, even if you're not quite that person that you know necessarily is born to speak, everybody deserves to have their voice heard, and so my promise is I am going to be that voice for you. I'm going to tell you that you're worthy and that you deserve it and that your desires are important and your needs are important and that you should have them.
Speaker 1:And so, if you can't be that voice right now, my promise to you is that I'm going to be that voice for you until you can and I want to, I mean every human, but I can only do what I can do. And so it's going to be for the women that I serve, and I 100% have my whole heart into that, for them, Because I think for so many of us, you know that's that life we've been led, and there's more when you can learn to use your voice. Oh my gosh, your whole life is going to change and I want everybody to know that it can happen for them. If it can happen for me, with somebody with my history and my trauma, if it can happen for me, it can happen for you and I know it can if you're willing to take kind of that first step.
Speaker 2:Wow, I got chills girl.
Speaker 1:Like so good, okay, I have to crack him.
Speaker 2:Wow, yeah, I told you it was going to be tears. I told you oh my God, Chelsea, thank you for being so vulnerable and bringing all of you to this conversation. Did you have fun?
Speaker 1:This was awesome. I love this.
Speaker 2:Thank you for sticking it out all the way to the end. I know you got a whole lot of stuff going on and, in appreciation for the gift of time that you have given this episode, I want to offer you a free PDF of my book Becoming the Promise You're Intended to Be. The link for that bad boy is down in the show notes. Hit it. You don't even have to give me your email address. There's a link in there. You just click that and you can download the PDF. And if you share it with somebody that you know who might feel stuck or be caught up in self-destructive behaviors, that would be the ultimate you sharing. That increases the likelihood that it's going to help one more person. And if it does help one more person, then you're contributing to me becoming the promise I am intended to be Be kind to yourself, be cool, and we'll talk at you next time.