How To Handle Setbacks Without Losing Yourself

Transcript

Welcome And A Quick Shoutout

SPEAKER_00 0:16

Welcome to No Stage Lights, a podcast where we go behind the smoke and mirrors of everything from marriage to entrepreneurship. I'm your host, Janelle Carter.

SPEAKER_02 0:23

And I'm Terry Carter.

SPEAKER_00 0:24

And welcome back to No Stage Lights. Thank you. So we first of all, I feel like Terry sounds better than I sound, and Terry thinks I sound just fine. So you can be the judge of it. I need to shout out my good friend, our good friend, Paul Clampett, for the great sweatshirt. You are enough. And on the back it has a message, and I'll share that with you in a little bit. But thanks for the awesome sweatshirt, Paul. You're awesome. We live in Grundy County. I don't know if that's what the song was about. I went down to the Grundy County auction. And I guess it could be. I do know some auctioneers.

SPEAKER_02 1:04

Are there more than one? Is there more than one? I think Grundy County?

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Yeah, I think Grundy County's like Springfield. There's one in every state, maybe.

SPEAKER_02 1:12

So I'm gonna guess it's not for around here.

SPEAKER_00 1:15

I'm gonna guess not. However, we we can still claim it. We personally know two auctioneers.

SPEAKER_02 1:21

We do.

SPEAKER_00 1:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

So it could be. But anyway, Grundy County has an incredible sheriff's department and we support them as much as possible. And our friend Paul, our buddy, is part of that department. So thank you for that.

When Plans Go Sideways

SPEAKER_00 1:35

We are talking about things going sideways when you're planning on going one way and all of a sudden you're redirected.

SPEAKER_02 1:48

The road curves. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

Yeah. So we've done a lot of talking about that in our own personal world outside of no stage lights, but we thought it would be a good message to share today.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

And how to cope with that and how to adjust rather than panic panic and be dis be disappointed. You're gonna be disappointed because if you have your heart set on doing one thing and all of a sudden just kidding, you're not going to do that.

SPEAKER_00 2:17

Let me ask you this have you ever come to that curve and then come out of it on the other side where you've ever thought to yourself that how am I trying to say this? Have you ever had a regret or wish it would have gone differently on a curve? Because I have not.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

It's really hard to say.

The Nashville Dream And The Letdown

SPEAKER_02 2:40

The thing that comes to mind for me is the whole Nashville thing for me. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:44

Explain the whole Nashville thing.

SPEAKER_02 2:46

Well, I had, you know, expectations of going there and going out and touring. And I did, but not nearly as long as I would have liked to have, and certain events happened, and I was forced to move back home. And it just felt very incomplete and carried that for a long time. And now I'm older and I I I see what the odds behind the curtain type of thing. So therefore I'm not quite as disappointed as I was when it first happened. When it first happened, I was like, oh man.

unknown 3:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:22

I didn't I didn't have a choice. So I had to come back and for obviously the right reasons. But it felt very incomplete and I felt robbed. And but as things kept going and it led me to you.

unknown 3:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

If I lucky you No, seriously.

SPEAKER_02 3:42

It led me to a lot of things. So reconnecting with old friends.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

Finding who you are.

SPEAKER_02 3:46

Yeah, definitely. Really finding who you are. Yeah, finding out who I am, realizing I didn't want to be a soldier type. I wanna I even in with today, I don't I've played covers and done other people's music my entire life. It's paid the bills, but I now I'm to the point where if I had the offer to go out on the road, I think, with an artist, I don't know if I'd do it.

SPEAKER_00 4:16

So I have so many questions for you regarding this. So question number one how much of that disappointment do you think was like personal to your experience? And how much of it was it the smoke behind the mirrors? The this is what it's really well because we have this idea of what going out on tour would look like with a major artist. So how much do you think was like your personal experience and how much of it was like this is the reality of it, but we don't see that part.

SPEAKER_02 4:50

I didn't really see the reality of it until honestly in the past decade. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 4:57

You don't feel like you saw it when you were there? No. You were too wrapped up.

SPEAKER_02 5:00

I was too wrapped up in it, and it was I always knew that it was I don't want to say a popularity contest, but when I was there, Shania had been out just for a little while. And prior to that, I was the guy that was licking the envelopes and putting my promo pictures and the envelopes along with my demo tape and all this stuff. And there, sending it, and I was fortunate enough to get in contact with a manager in Nashville, how I don't even remember how that happened, but he kept telling me, and knowing now what I know, he kept saying, because I'd reach out to him and say, anything available, anything available. He's man, you gotta be here. And after I moved there, I realized just how many musicians, how many guitar players there are, and it's just who was I kidding? Why would they hire this guy from Chicago?

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Sure, if you're not there.

SPEAKER_02 5:56

And if there's 300 guys that are right down the road waiting to take that spot. Yeah. So he told me he's we got this new girl that's up and coming, and they're putting a band together for her. And they handpicked all of those guys because and women for her band for her band, and they were all model material.

SPEAKER_00 6:15

There was a brand.

Touring Reality And The Artist Brand

SPEAKER_00 6:16

It's a brand. I I think that a lot of people don't realize or think about it that any artist that you're following that you love, they it is a brand that is built around everything that they say, they do, they look, what they're wearing, what the songs they're cutting, it's a brand.

SPEAKER_02 6:37

I won't mention the artist, but I he struggled a little bit with weight, so they would put him literally in a girdle under his and he would put a shirt on with a big bulk buckle over it, but to keep that whole like and I I felt bad about that. It's gotta be hard to sing with it. But he literally, it was like he had a corset on or whatever they're called.

SPEAKER_00 7:03

But all in all, it yeah, so that curve for you. Oh, my second question was you go, let's go back for a second, because you said that you are that you don't want to play covers anymore, or that you didn't really say that, but you said that you were you wanted to play your own. Did you feel like when you were out on the road with a major touring artist and act that you were playing covers since they weren't yours?

SPEAKER_02 7:33

No, I didn't no. Okay. No, no, I it the opportunity to do it was wonderful, obviously. Oh, for sure.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

A lot of people weren't dream about. We've had not arguments about this, but we have had heated conversations about how and I think you're at a point in your life where you're like, wow, that happened. It was really that was really an opportunity. But a decade ago, you were like, I don't even want to talk about it, I don't even want to put it on my bio, and I'm like, you're nuts like because it was a it wasn't a it wasn't the best of experiences.

SPEAKER_02 8:05

And of course, look, the grass is always greener.

SPEAKER_00 8:08

Yes, I know.

SPEAKER_02 8:09

So you you have it pictured just how I had it pictured prior to doing it. And I could I got a guy that I can call right now and he'll tell you the exact same thing. He was on the road with multiple artists, and he's just like recently, yeah. Yeah, recently. And he's just and he's young, he's still in his twenties, and he goes, Man, I'm burnt out. And he's I can't he goes, it's just all the way down to they're telling you what you can have on stage. You can't you're gonna use this type of amp. You're gonna use no power. It's it's more than what you think. It's not about just going in and no playing the gig.

SPEAKER_00 8:46

I want to compare it to this though, because anybody who's been married and has had a big wedding, it's easy for us to say to somebody who's not been married and have had a big wedding to say, oh my gosh, don't do that. Go do go small or go away and just get married and so because you haven't had that experience. So it's very similar, right? It's easy for you to say to me, No, it's not what you think, but I haven't experienced it. So I'm like, yeah, but I want it, I would have loved to do that one.

SPEAKER_02 9:17

And and I 100% agree with that and understand it because not every situation is gonna be what I had or what I experienced, or what my friends have experienced. There there are good situations. And I'm not painting this picture to everybody's in hell except the star. That's n that's not the case.

SPEAKER_00 9:35

It's not it's just some really good working environments.

SPEAKER_02 9:38

Getting back to what, you know the curve and the road, how things don't pan out how you think they

Bitterness After The Curve

SPEAKER_02 9:46

will. Like I always say, everything you learn from it, and it took me a long time to get over the bitterness.

SPEAKER_00 9:53

But Because it doesn't feel fair.

SPEAKER_02 9:56

It no, it was like you can have this. Oh, wait a minute. No, you can't.

SPEAKER_00 10:01

That's how I feel. That's how I feel with a lot of curves, personally. I get mad. Like, why would you being universe god, myself, whoever, give this opportunity or this talent, or just like when I got sick in 2011, I was so angry when I lost my voice. And for those of you who haven't been around with any of our experiences or anything, we're both musicians, singers, songwriters. And in 2011, I had a rare form of cancer in my throat, cancer free, had a wonderful surgeon and team, but lost my ability to sing for a year. And I was mad.

SPEAKER_02 10:46

I was like, I was pissed.

SPEAKER_00 10:49

I was. And because you're like, I've worked so hard towards this, and but it now looking back, it was the best learning experience. And sometimes, and we've said this in the first episode of this season, redirection is protection.

SPEAKER_02 11:10

It's yes, yes, absolutely. It's tough, it's a tough pill to swallow at the time, but you really do walk away with kind of like a ha moment when you're like, Oh sometimes it takes a while.

Redirection Is Protection Through Health

SPEAKER_02 11:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:22

You really have two choices. And we were talking about like when the dirt comes up, when crap starts to come up from the ground, and your stability is shaken, right? You're like you can either build yourself a mound, you can climb up on top of it and see in the horizon what is to come, or you can bury yourself under it. You have two choices. And we talk a lot about every situation has a positive and a negative. Everything has a positive and a negative side, right? Like anything you could come up with right now, you could think of a positive, you could think of a negative. And earlier you said we're gonna give you some tools on how to cope with that curve. And I think that's a really important tool, is whatever you focus on is going to expand. Shout out to our buddy Rizzo. Because he says that all the time. Yes, right. What you focus on will expand.

SPEAKER_02 12:28

You yeah, you can't if you beat something like that and you just you let it totally just take over, then that's it. You've stopped. Yes, you've stopped because you buried yourself. Yeah, you've stopped, and now all that's all you can focus on. And it we're human, we're it's gonna happen. Yeah, you're gonna fall in that into that ditch, but you still gotta know how to climb up.

SPEAKER_00 12:53

You and you have to be able to accept your emotions. So, like currently when this episode is published, I will have been on the other side of this, but like I'm dealing with some health issues of my own, and they're gonna slow me down for a little bit this summer. And I'm at first I was so mad because I work really hard, like blinders on, going towards that goal, all in, nothing's gonna stop me. I need a few hours of sleep, and I'm great, back on it, right? And when something stops you or slows you down, it really can throw you off track. So I had to get, how they say get bitter or get better. I like that. I like that. Yeah. And it's okay. So maybe I needed the rest. Like we've said, look at the long term, right? So for me, long term is I am building a new company, and I want to be healthy enough to sustain the type of work and the type of travel that I'm going to want to pull in for myself. And I can't do it right now. This health problem has to be taken care of if I'm going to sustain that kind of lifestyle. So that's my better, you know, get better, get better. But it it's so easy to see it when you're not in it. And so what do you we I want our audience to have some ideas of how they can get through it and cope.

Tools To Climb Out Of The Ditch

SPEAKER_02 14:37

It's stages. Okay. Yeah. I it's stages like how the whole like stages of yeah, I don't want to put it as staging of grief, but kind of like along that line. Like I said, it it took me a long time to fall to dig myself out of that ditch. Yeah. But uh if you keep trying, that's the key. Yeah. You gotta keep trying. You can't allow yourself to be completely beaten by it. Whatever it is. You can't allow that. It's okay sit in it for a little bit because sitting in a in an odd way, it almost feels good to have that misery a little bit. Yeah. But there's gonna come a time where it's okay, so how long am I gonna do this?

SPEAKER_00 15:23

It's get up, wash your face. Wow.

SPEAKER_02 15:25

Yeah, how long am I gonna sit in this mud puddle before I get up, change my clothes, move on, and leave it behind me.

SPEAKER_00 15:33

When I was a little girl, uh, I was in the hospital for some good only knows what, something. And I had been in for a while, and my mom said one of the nurses came, like an old school nurse came in and she was like, That's it, you're getting out of here today. Opened up my curtains, got me out of bed, put me in the chair, put fresh linens on the bed, probably cranked the window open. You probably could. And my mom's you bounced back, you were discharged by that afternoon, and it was like enough is enough. Get up.

SPEAKER_02 16:05

It's funny because I don't know if you've experienced it, and it might be more common and normal than I think, but so you're in bed, okay? You're sick, you've got the flu or whatever. And you know those first few days, especially if you're able to stay home from school or or go to work or whatever, yeah, those first few days, you're like, once you start to feel a little bit better to where you're not, you know, you're like, hey, but this is nice, and but I'm relaxing now. You don't want it to end. But then when you know you get better, when you're better, when that when and you can feel you know when that clock goes off, when that alarm goes off, you're better. Yeah, there's no reason you should still be in this bed. You're oh man. But then it's hard to do it, it's hard to flip that switch, but then once you do it, you get moving and you're good. Well, you're like, okay, it's behind me. It's behind me, it's behind me. But it's easy to just stay there. It is easy to stay there.

SPEAKER_00 17:06

And one of the things that we teach is that I think everybody has the idea, at least I had the idea. We had the idea that motivation equals action equals results. And that's not true. Action equals the result, which then equals motivation, right? So if you take act if you're waiting to feel motivated, it's not gonna fall out of the sky. No, you have to take the action first, and you have to sometimes make yourself get out of that bed or force yourself to say, I'm getting up. In one little step. I used to spend the night at my grandparents, and I lived like I went to school in a different town, so I had to drive like 30 minutes to get to school from their house. So I had to get up pretty early. And my grandfather, my paper, was so smart, and he would say, I'd say, I'm so tired, I wanted to stay here today. And he'd say, Nope, go put a hot washcloth on your face, go wash your face and get going. And even just that one step. So that's my advice for you today. If you're stuck in it and you're really going through it, not a scalding hot one, please. You're not gonna self-sabotage.

SPEAKER_02 18:22

Please don't do that.

SPEAKER_00 18:23

Uh put a hot wash cloth, wash your face, get up, open the blinds, get some clothes on, and if that's what you do, that's what you do. Yeah. If that's all you do. But find the try to find that positive side. You can focus on the negative all day long. And it might be hard to find the positive, right?

SPEAKER_02 18:48

It took me a long time. Yeah. I'm not gonna lie. It it really did. I like I said, I was I felt let down and very bitter for a very long time. And looking back, I'm really really s saddened by it took me too damn long.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

It's just like Yeah, but God's time is different than our time, and maybe those lessons that you have in the world.

SPEAKER_02 19:11

You can't go backwards. It is what it is, and it at least they did come out on the other side and then as everybody will.

SPEAKER_00 19:17

Yeah. And if you're facing something, maybe it's a like the loss of a job or a diagnosis or a relationship issue or whatever it is, sit back for a minute and really try and see, hey, here is what I can see from the top of this mound of dirt that I'm standing on, this crappy ex like situation. And don't let yourself sink down into it.

SPEAKER_02 19:44

I mean just open yourself up to the next opportunity.

Looking Back With Gratitude

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Yeah. I've and that's what I was trying to spit out at the beginning. There's never been a crossroad for me that I've come out on the other side of and thought I wish that wouldn't have happened. Every single opportunity experience that I've had on the other side of hard has been beautiful.

SPEAKER_02 20:12

That's a good record. Yeah. That's a good record. And I I I feel the same way because you and I getting together. I was you showed me how you opened me up to be able to write music. I always had ideas musically, but never lyrics or anything like that. But us as a team, I feel we've made some pretty good music. Yeah, I think. And and it feels good.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:37

So out of all the stuff that I've in the past and everything and went through and done and whatever have you, I feel that all that experience led me to that.

SPEAKER_00 20:47

Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:48

And that's the positive I took away from all of that other stuff.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

Yeah. Isn't it funny too now if you look back, if you had that same opportunity to do over something that you wanted so bad, you would probab you wouldn't take it.

SPEAKER_02 21:02

No, I don't think I would. I don't think if I had the opportunity tomorrow. I mean, it really depends. I can't say. Sure. I can't say, but call him. I don't know. This guy's tired.

SPEAKER_00 21:17

Yeah, we do talk about that a lot. Would you go on the road?

SPEAKER_02 21:20

I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 21:21

I think you should sometimes, and but that's a whole different you know, it's a whole different conversation.

Your Crossroads And Closing

SPEAKER_00 21:26

So what curves are you at? What crossroads are you at? What are what mound are you standing on or are you buried under right now? And how do you flip it? If you're under it, how do you get on top of it?

SPEAKER_02 21:39

Just keep trying.

SPEAKER_00 21:40

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Just keep trying. Keep clawing, keep coming at it, don't let it beat you.

SPEAKER_00 21:44

Sometimes it has to be minute by minute and hour by hour.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

Yeah, that's no there's no magical cure. Yeah, no.

SPEAKER_00 21:50

And like it's no surprise, it's no secret if you listen to our show that I deal with a lot of health anxiety and I've had to just subcumb to like This is what's happening. This is what's happening. And I can fight it or I can let it mold me and continue forward. And that's all you can do.

SPEAKER_02 22:11

You either adapt you because you can't you only can control the things you can control. Yeah. Period. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 22:17

So if you're sitting in all that, and so many of us are, just know that whatever's on the other side of hard is gonna be it's gonna be okay. I we promise you.

SPEAKER_02 22:27

The effort will be worth it. It is going to be okay. Messages, let us see. What are you going through right now?

SPEAKER_00 22:32

Yeah, let us know. Because we'd to we'd like to be there with you. Let's sign on out. And uh I'm Janelle Carter. Thanks so much for listening to No Stage Lights.

SPEAKER_02 22:40

I'm Terry Carter. We'll see you soon.

SPEAKER_00 22:41

We'll see you soon.