Episode 162

Welcome to my first episode of 2026! After a six-week break, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction.

In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path. 

What I Cover:

• Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short

• The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma that's often missing from conversations

• Why deconstruction is an embodied, multidimensional experience that can't be reduced to intellectual analysis alone

• The mystical dimension of deconstruction and what it means to leap into the abyss with no guarantees

• How deconstruction relates to spiritual midlife and the transition into the second half of life

• Why I had to be willing to let go of everything—even my identity as a "good Catholic"—to follow where Christ was leading

This is the beginning of a season exploring deconstruction from multiple angles. I'll be addressing questions listeners send me and diving into the many facets of this complex, painful, and ultimately transformative journey.

If you're going through deconstruction yourself, I hope this offers you some companionship and validation. If you're trying to understand what someone you love is experiencing, I hope this gives you insight into the depth and sacredness of this process.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

CHAPTER MARKERS
0:00 - Introduction: Why Now?
9:37 - The Importance of Lived Experience
21:01 - Deconstruction and Trauma
29:42 - Trauma-Informed Lens to Reactions Towards Deconstruction
38:01 - The Integrative Lens
44:24 - The Mystical Dimension
51:57 - No Guarantee in Deconstruction
56:45 - The Second Half of Life
1:01:25 - Closing Thoughts

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Episode 161

What if the reason spiritual abuse is so rampant yet unrecognised in the Church is because these kind of dynamics have always been part of the way the Church existed in the world?

In this deeply personal episode, I talk about my journey awakening to and grappling with the legacy of spiritual abuse and trauma within the Catholic Church. I share the story of how I was led in my interior journey into deconstructing my old Self, the way I related to my family of origin and eventually my understanding of and relationship with my Catholic faith. I share how learning to recognise trauma, harm and abuse led me to wrestle with the integrity of what I believed and how that faith is embodied in the world.

This reflection offers an honest, bold and nuanced discussion on the complex interplay between faith and coercion in the 2,000 years of the history of the Church and how that impacts the way we live our faith out today. How can we as Church continue to undergo conversion from the legacy of coercion and spiritual abuse that has made up such a huge part of our intergenerational, collective and systemic trauma within the Catholic Church? Join me in this thought-provoking sharing!

Watch this recording on YouTube.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction and Personal Journey
01:14 Deconstructing Faith and Identity
03:52 Family of Origin and Trauma
09:10 Anger and Frustration with the Church
14:43 Historical Context of Church Coercion
19:21 Reconciling Faith and Church Authority
22:58 The Role of Conscience in Faith
24:15 Spiritual Abuse and Church Culture
46:03 Hope and Transformation in the Church
51:29 Conclusion

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Episode 160

We know we’re called to holiness, that we’re called to be saints. But have we really grappled with what holiness means? With what becoming saints really mean? In my latest podcast episode I share how I have come to ask these questions in much more earnest after learning about how even canonised saints commit great harm to people, and how some of these harmful actions are even considered by many as part of holiness.

I dive into the concepts of sainthood and holiness, especially in light of personal experiences with trauma and spiritual abuse. Reflecting on the stories of saints like Padre Pio and Mother Teresa, I explore how their actions and the narratives surrounding them can impact our understanding of holiness. I encourage viewers to question and reconsider what it means to be holy, particularly from the perspective of embodied spiritual and emotional health. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

RESOURCES
The Turning: The Sisters Who Left
“The Turning”: The dark side of Mother Teresa’s order, according to nuns who left

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
00:30 Spiritual Abuse and Its Prevalence
02:07 Saints and Holiness: Personal Experiences
02:53 Padre Pio: Reverence and Controversy
11:41 Questioning Holiness and Spiritual Abuse
23:02 Mother Teresa: A Complex Legacy
33:56 Holiness, Love, and Abuse
44:24 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Episode 159

In today's episode, we explore the intersection of enmeshment trauma and spiritual abuse. If you're new to the concept, enmeshment trauma occurs in families that are too close to the point where individual boundaries and self-identity are compromised. This episode delves into the signs and impacts of enmeshment trauma, such as poor boundaries, lack of self-identity, feeling overly responsible for others and constant seeking of approval. 

I also discuss how these dynamics can lead to spiritual abuse within both families and faith communities, particularly through the misuse of authority and abuse of conscience. Offering insights and personal experiences, this episode aims to help you recognise and heal from these harmful patterns especially when they are cloaked in beautiful and ‘holy’ language such as ‘accountability’ and ‘fraternal correction’.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

RESOURCES

Holy Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing (Book)

Holy Hurt (Podcast) 

Understanding Enmeshment Trauma

Enmeshment in Family: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Closeness 
 

CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction
00:11 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
02:33 Healthy Intimacy vs. Enmeshment
05:27 Spiritual and Religious Trauma
09:56 What is Enmeshment Trauma?
13:01 Personal Experiences and Cultural Context
13:47 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma
19:09 Impact of Enmeshment Trauma
25:54 Enmeshment in Faith Communities
32:19 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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Episode 158

In this episode, I continue the discussion on spiritual abuse by focusing on Abuse of Conscience. I share my personal journey of discovering this subtle yet pervasive form of abuse, how it affected my life, and my path to recognising my own role in it. 

I discuss how my own spiritual trauma and distorted image of God fuelled my participation in this form of spiritual abuse and share how experiencing God's unconditional love has been crucial in my healing process both as a survivor and perpetrator of abuse of conscience. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

RESOURCES

What is Abuse of Conscience? (Podcast by Paul Fahey)

Abuse of Conscience (Presentation by Paul Fahey, Q&A with Fr Boniface Hicks)

Respecting Conscience in Catholicism (Paul Fahey with Amy Grey)

Conscience Invaders 

The Place Where You Stand Is Holy Ground: Recognizing and Preventing Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church 

CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction
01:23 Resources on Abuse of Conscience
05:50 The Challenge of Accepting Abuse
08:47 Conscience in Catholic Teaching
14:01 Freedom and Consent in Moral Actions
17:41 About Mortal Sin
24:35 Personal Stories of Conscience Abuse
32:08 The Impact of Fear on Faith
42:13 Healing and Repenting from Abuse of Conscience
49:05 Final Thoughts and Invitation to Reflect

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Episode 157

In this episode, I build on my last episode’s discussion of how culture, disembodied faith, and trauma contribute to an environment conducive to spiritual abuse. I delve into the responsible use of power and influence, sharing personal insights and experiences. 

I discuss how, even with good intentions, we can unintentionally harm others by imposing ourselves and violating the sacred freedom of another person’s conscience that even God respects. I offer tips for exercising influence in a non-coercive and respectful manner, emphasising the importance of honouring each person's freedom and dignity. 

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CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction
05:36 Personal Influence and Power Dynamics
09:54 Why So Hard to Recognise Spiritual Abuse
20:20 Tips for Respecting Others' Freedom
35:14 Conclusion and Reflection

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Episode 156

In this episode, I delve into three factors that facilitate spiritual abuse, especially within the experience of many Catholics. Reflecting on a personal experience during a silent retreat, I explore how complex trauma, disembodied faith, and cultural influences create environments where spiritual abuse can easily occur. 

I share insights on recognising these dynamics and discuss the importance of becoming trauma-informed to foster authentic spiritual maturity and embodied faith. This conversation aims to support individuals on their journey of healing and integration, helping them understand the systemic and personal elements contributing to spiritual abuse.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction

06:02 Three Factors in the Set-Up for Spiritual Abuse

11:25 Cultural Influences on Spirituality

14:20 Silent Retreat Experience

25:48 Understanding Spiritual Maturity

28:05 The Role of Dreams in Spiritual Direction

28:57 Unknowingly Primed for Spiritual Abuse

31:30 Complex Trauma and Authority

36:25 Disembodied Faith

43:21 Recognising and Addressing Spiritual Abuse

49:43 Final Reflections and Encouragement

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Episode 155

In this episode, Paul Fahey joins me in a pivotal conversation about spiritual abuse within the context of evangelisation and church communities. We share our journey from years of traditional evangelisation to a deeper understanding of the Great Commandments and how they relate to the Great Commission. We examine the importance of truly loving others as Christ loves us and how our distorted images of God can impact our relationships and evangelisation efforts. 

We address the often-overlooked emotional and psychological abuses by those in spiritual authority and discuss what a healthy use of authority should look like. We also delve into the critical role of personal integrity and humility for those in spiritual leadership. This episode offers crucial insights into the ways we can foster a more loving and respectful approach to faith, evangelisation and discipleship.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

RESOURCES

Paul Fahey's Spiritual Abuse Workshop (Fall 2025)

Read Paul's excellent reflection: "One cannot proclaim God in a way contrary to God himself: Spiritual Abuse and Evangelisation"

Sherry Weddell’s book Forming Intentional Disciples: The Path to Knowing and Following Jesus 

Catechesi Tradendae 

Dignitatis Humanae 

Pope Francis’ address to the Indigenous Peoples and Members of the Parish Community Sacred Heart 

CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction

03:29 Spiritual Abuse in Evangelisation

05:52 Introducing Paul Fahey

09:43 Personal Experiences and Reflections

14:18 The Role of Trust in Evangelisation

25:29 Coercion in Evangelisation

30:48 Subtle Forms of Coercion

44:45 Preferential Option for the Institution

50:26 Defining the End of Evangelisation

53:16 The Importance of Dignity and Freedom

55:23 Evangelisation vs. Proselytism

56:52 Intellectual Conversion vs. True Discipleship

58:15 Lack of Self-Awareness in Evangelisation

01:01:25 Corporate and Individual Responsibility

01:04:33 Historical Context of Church Authority

01:18:35 Healthy Use of Spiritual Authority

01:24:07 E

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Episode 154

As I round off Season 10 of the Becoming Me podcast, here’s an overview of how my content has evolved together with the progression of my interior journey and some updates to address inquiries about my coaching offers. As I take a break from the podcast to recalibrate, I invite you to explore past episodes and continue engaging with my content on my other platforms. God bless and happy becoming!

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Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS

00:00 Introduction and Season 10 Wrap-Up
00:30 The Journey of Becoming Me
02:10 Exploring Trauma and Spiritual Abuse
05:13 Developmental Stages and Personal Growth
08:23 Challenges and Evolution in Coaching
10:01 The Quest for Self-Understanding
15:07 Integrating New Learnings
18:38 Conclusion and Future Plans

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Episode 153

In this special episode about being securely loved by God the Father, I sit down with Isaac Wicker, a Catholic licensed therapist from Minnesota with a decade of mental health experience and host of the 'Whole Human' podcast. Isaac shares his unique upbringing in a deeply Catholic family in the Communion and Liberation Catholic movement, his transformative experiences, and his innovative 12-week program, 'Known: embraced by the Heart of the Father,' which integrates psychology and Catholic faith.

This conversation is an invitation to explore the security and ease that come from being securely loved by God the Father. I see myself and Isaac as representing two very different kinds of paths towards a secure attachment with God the Father - Isaac was blessed with the experience of secure attachment in childhood while I had to learn to have an “earned secure attachment” from deep healing and integration. 

May this episode bring hope to listeners who struggle to feel safe with God the Father, even as it provides a glimpse of the freedom that being securely loved by the Father brings.

Isaac’s website | Known: Embraced by the Heart of the Father
Isaac’s Podcast | Whole Human

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CHAPTER MARKERS

[00:00] Introduction and Overview
[01:21] Meet the Guest: Isaac Wicker
[07:32] The Importance of Big Questions
[18:17] Isaac's Childhood Memories and Family Dynamics
[30:25] The Importance of Secure Attachment in Repentance
[38:37] Embodying Faith Organically as a Therapist
[51:31] Focusing on Loving vs Fixing Someone
[58:32] The Journey of Becoming
[01:00:14] Operating Outside the Boxes of Psychology and Religion
[01:14:38] The Known Program: Healing with God the Father
[01:22:50] The Importance of Showing Up and Being Honest
[01:31:40] Conclusion and Final Thoughts

REFLECTION PROMPT
What has been your relationship with failure and repentance? Do you tend to move toward sorrow and repair, or get caught in shame? Where do you think that pattern comes from?
If you could sit with God the Father today, what would you say or ask, with no pressure to have it together?

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Episode 152  

In this deeply personal episode, I explore the impact of Pope Francis' recent passing, especially how he became a bridge of trust during my period of intense interior deconstruction. Over the past decade, I've grappled with my Catholic faith, my relationship with the church, and undergone a profound journey of inner healing. 

I share how Pope Francis’ actions and witness offered me a path through complex trauma and relational betrayals, both familial and institutional. This episode is dedicated to my fellow trauma survivors who struggle with their faith, relationships, and especially with the institutional Church. 

RELATED LINKS:

• Pope says he is 'deeply sorry' to Indigenous Peoples in Canada
• Pope Francis did the right thing when others would not, says residential school survivor
• Why Pope Francis may be hesitant to rescind the Doctrine of Discovery
• Pope Francis’ Address to the Indigenous Peoples: First Nations, Métis and Intuit
• Joint Statement of the Dicasteries for Culture and Education and for Promoting Integral Human Development on the “Doctrine of Discovery”, 30.03.2023

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[00:48] Personal Struggles and Deconstruction
[02:28] Pope Francis' Impact
[05:30] Journey of Healing and Integration
[07:50] Struggles with the Church
[09:58] Uncomfortable with Pope Francis 2013-2015
[13:38] Not In Touch with My Exiled Parts
[18:45] Awakening to Dysfunction and Abuse
[29:16] Trauma and Betrayal in the Church
[36:05] Father Wound Re-triggered
[38:06] Compassion in Secular Spaces
[40:41] Pandemic Retreat Experience with Gabor Maté
[42:09] Indigenous Trauma and Residential Schools
[44:58] Seeking Apology from the Pope
[48:57] Personal Reflections on Fatherhood and Healing
[58:38] Pope Francis' Apology to the Indigenous People of Canada
[01:03:55] Repudiating the "Doctrine of Discovery"
[01:09:16] A Church That Doesn't Repair
[01:13:37] Hope for the Church
[01:18:28] Conclusion

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you ever found yourself reevaluating something you once felt certain about? What helped you feel safe enough to explore those thoughts?

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Episode 151 (Bonus)  

In this special bonus episode for Holy Week, I share a deeply personal and vulnerable story about my journey through spiritual trauma and healing. Last year, I wrote an open letter on my personal blog, disclosing the challenges I've faced and continue to face as a complex trauma survivor within the Catholic faith. 

From experiencing physical symptoms of distress during Mass to grappling with deeply ingrained religious guilt, I invite you to witness my journey towards understanding, acceptance, and integration. I hope my story resonates with others who struggle with similar feelings during Holy Week, providing language, comfort, and a sense of solidarity. 

Additionally, I offer practical suggestions for seeking support, emphasizing the importance of trauma-informed care within spiritual and therapeutic frameworks. God meets us exactly where we are, and this episode is an invitation to take that first step towards healing.

Read My Blogposts:

To My Fellow Complex Trauma Survivors Who Struggle with Holy Week

A Good Friday Confession (I Don’t Feel Anything)

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
02:21 A Vulnerable Self-Disclosure
07:41 The Letter Begins
13:55 Waking Up to Anger and My Body Saying "No"
16:49 Trauma Mingled with Faith
19:42 Dying (To Ego) Into Authentic Love
21:27 Entering Christ's Wounds Through My Wounds
23:12 Why Holy Week Can Be Re-traumatising for Trauma Surviors
26:00 Letting God Love Me Through Self-Love
28:30 New Trauma-Informed Wine Skins Needed
29:54 What Can Trauma Survivors Do To Support Ourselves?
33:13 Final Thoughts
36:02 Conclusion

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Episode 150  

In this heartfelt conversation, I sit down with Paul Fahey, a limited licensed professional counselor, retreat leader, and catechist from Michigan, USA. Paul shares insights from his work in pastoral counseling for Catholics who have been spiritually abused and his efforts to educate ministers to be more equipped in their ministry. We delve into the complex nature of spiritual and religious trauma, the importance of language in healing from trauma, and the profound teachings of the Catholic Church on human dignity. 

Through personal stories and shared experiences, we explore the critical theme of dignity, how trauma affects our understanding of love and self-worth, and the necessity of creating safe spaces within or away from the Church for healing and authentic connection. 

This episode offers a rich and thought-provoking discussion on how we can reclaim our dignity and experience God's chaste, non-controlling love in the midst of a fallen world.

Visit Paul Fahey’s website here.
Documents quoted by Paul:

• Dignitatis Humanae
• Patris Corde
• Fratelli Tutti

Read my newsletter post Lament, Hope & Healing: Resources on Spiritual Abuse.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction to Paul Fahey
01:12 Discussing Trauma and Spiritual Abuse
05:53 Exploring Human Dignity in Church Teachings
10:32 Understanding Spiritual Authority and Coercion
35:51 Chastity and Non-Possessive Love
47:33 Healing from Spiritual Coercion
53:45 Struggling with Faith and Depression
56:14 Journey Out of Depression
58:29 Role of a Catechist and Therapist
59:50 The Importance of Experiencing Non-controlling Love
01:01:40 Experiencing God's Reverence
01:04:00 The Concept of Theosis
01:11:51 Challenges in the Church
01:15:44 Accompanying Ourselves in Healing
01:32:03 Forgiveness Demands Justice for the Victim
01:37:22 Wrestling with the Lack of Safety in Church
01:42:24 Reality is Greater than Ideas
01:44:35 Final Thoughts and Gratitude

REFLECTION PROMPT
How have I experienced coerci

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Episode 149  

In this episode, I delve into the unique challenges that Catholic and Christian trauma survivors face in their healing journeys. Drawing from my own experiences and observations, I outline five specific reasons why faith can often complicate trauma recovery for believers. 

From the difficulty of accepting abuse within 'good' religious families, to the guilt around naming harm and the complexities of forgiveness, I discuss the psychological and spiritual hurdles that can impede healing. Join me as I explore how religious convictions, while deeply meaningful, sometimes inadvertently obstruct the path to recovery.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Ex-Missionaries of Charity allege culture of abuse and neglect
• "The Turning" : The dark side of Mother Teresa's order, according to nuns who left
• Report: Jean Vanier’s L’Arche Hid ‘Mystical-Sexual’ Sect for Decades
• 'Confusion, control and abuse': Report offers new details about Jean Vanier's secret sect and sexual exploitation

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Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction to the Podcast
[00:04] Challenges for Catholic and Christian Trauma Survivors
[02:15] Reason 1: Difficulty Admitting Abuse in Religious Contexts
[11:36] Reason 2: Unrecognised Abusive Dynamics
[17:12] Reason 3: The Pressure to Forgive
[22:37] Reason 4: Guilt in Naming Harm
[27:09] Reason 5: Distrust of Secular Resources
[34:43] The Impact of Religious Convictions on Healing
[35:58] Conclusion and Invitation to Reflect

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you resonate with any of these reasons outlined in this episode? 
If yes: Which reason(s) do you resonate with? What do you observe about its impact in your healing journey? 
If no: How did you feel listening to this episode? Are there other reasons you can identify from your own experience?

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Episode 148   

In this episode, I address a profound question from a long-time podcast listener and religious sister in Southeast Asia regarding her healing journey. We explore the intricacies of feeling productive and empowered at times, facing moments of deep uncertainty and doubt at others, and when questions of authenticity, accountability, and integrity become overwhelming. 

I break down the layers of her experience from a coaching perspective, discussing the sensation of overwhelm, life scripts centered around productivity, internal family systems (IFS) theory, and the stages of faith development from the Critical Journey model. This episode is rich with insights into the interior journey of healing and integration, emphasising the importance of giving oneself permission to feel, pause, and go at the pace we need in the interior journey.

RESOURCES

Book on Amazon
The Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of Faith

YouTube / Podcast
Stages of Maturing Faith: Insights From "The Critical Journey”
Personal Vocation Discernment through the Stages of Faith 

Watch this episode's recording on YouTube.
Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Listener's Question
[00:38] Context and Background
[01:04] Reading the Listener's Question
[02:25] Breaking Down the Question
[03:53] Observations and Insights
[05:43] Understanding Overwhelm and Productivity Scripts
[11:30] Internal Family Systems (IFS) Explanation
[20:03] Stages of Faith Development
[31:08] Final Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
How would you describe your relationship with (i) Productivity and (ii) Uncertainty? What are some scripts that you might have in moments of overwhelm and uncertainty? Which stage of the Critical Journey is currently the most prominent for you in your journey?

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Episode 147   

In this episode, I discuss a common challenge faced by complex trauma survivors: the notion that those who harmed us did the best they could. I emphasise why it's crucial not to accept this idea too early in the healing process. 

We need to focus on acknowledging the harm and injustice inflicted upon us before considering the limitations and reasons why our abusers acted the way they did. This is a journey of radical honesty and acceptance, facing uncomfortable truths without bypassing our emotions. 

Join me as I explore why truth is essential for healing from trauma and how to reframe our understanding of love and compassion.

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CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[02:00] Internalising Dissonance and Self-Blame
[03:13] Scripts and Roles for Survival
[04:37] The Capacity for Love and Attunement
[08:07] Holding Opposing Truths
[10:06] The Importance of Radical Honesty
[18:21] Navigating the Healing Journey
[24:36] Radical Acceptance vs. Resignation
[27:52] Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
Notice if there were any particular sensations in your body as you listened to this episode. Which segments might they have been in response to?
What relationships in your life might you have noticed difficulty in holding opposing truths, or may have been told or thought that those who had harmed you “did their best”?

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Episode 146   

In this episode, I delve into the challenging and often misunderstood topic of deconstruction, especially for those of us healing from complex trauma as persons of faith. 

I share my own journey and how deconstruction has been an essential part of my healing process. We'll define what deconstruction means in this context and explore the three zones where I experienced it: Self-Identity, Family and Cultural Values, and Faith. Despite its inherent risk, deconstruction is a necessary and important part of the journey towards wholeness and a more secure faith in God. 
 
I hope my sharing reassures those of you on the healing journey that your experience of deconstruction or “undoing” is an integral and hopeful part of the healing process even if very few people in your life can understand you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[01:44] Defining Deconstruction
[06:03] 3 Zones of Deconstruction
[07:59] 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction
[14:34] 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction
[19:58] 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction
[34:53] Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent
[42:26] Questions for Pondering and Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Which ‘zones’ have you begun to experience deconstruction in? What are the fundamental questions you are asking right now which you had never asked before?

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Episode 145   

In this episode, I open up about the challenges of experiencing setbacks in the healing journey. I share a recent personal experience that triggered a significant emotional response and discuss the importance of recognizing and managing these setbacks. By acknowledging the dynamics of our internal responses, such as through the lens of Internal Family Systems and complex trauma, I hope to offer support and validation for those feeling disheartened by setbacks. I seek to share a reminder that setbacks are a normal part of healing. Join me as I share honest reflections from my ongoing journey with you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Context
[02:55] Patterns in the Interior Integration Journey
[04:46] Personal Sharing of Dysregulation Experience
[08:41] Setbacks Happen and It's Normal
[09:53] Navigating Recovery from Setbacks and Seeking Support
[16:45] God's Presence and Grace in the Healing Journey
[20:31] Conclusion and Encouragement

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have there been times where you experienced setbacks in your healing journey? What cues did you notice about your internal responses, and in your body? 
What resources did you have, or wish(ed) to have, to help you recover from setbacks?

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Episode 144   

In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about the painful moment when I realized that having faith and spiritual practices alone couldn't save me from the dysfunctional patterns in my life.

I discuss the inadvertent impact of unconscious complex trauma, the harm of spiritual abuse, and the significance of human integration in the healing journey. This reflection highlights the importance of seeking broader resources beyond faith practices in the journey toward wholeness in healing. This may include developing insight on psychological and family dynamics. I hope this sharing makes you feel less alone and provides hope on your path to becoming more integrated and whole.

In the previous episode, I introduced an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop.

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop. 
Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00:36] Lack of Awareness and Spiritually Abusive Behaviours
[00:01:23] Personal Story on Spiritual Abuse
[00:02:27] Gaps in Human Formation and Integration
[00:06:07] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Poor Boundaries
[00:07:38] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Insecurities and Burnout
[00:10:15] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Performing and Pushing for Perfection
[00:12:13] The Wake-Up Call that I Had Harmed Others
[00:14:12] On Realizing that I Had Been Spiritually Abusive
[00:15:45] Trauma and Toxic Shame
[00:17:44] 'Waking Up' to the Integration Journey
[00:19:17] Acknowledging Our Context with Compassion
[00:24:52] Embodied Faith
[00:28:56] Encouragement for Listeners
[00:31:14] Conclusion and Final Thoughts

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you had an encounter or experience where you realised that you were harming someone when you were only intending to love them to the best of your ability? How did you respond to that realisation?

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Episode 143   

In this episode, I briefly discuss the importance of understanding spiritual abuse, particularly if you're on a healing journey from trauma and its effects on your relationship with God. I outline three major reasons why learning about spiritual abuse is crucial: it helps identify and heal from obstacles in our relationship with God, prevents the inadvertent perpetuation of abuse, and enhances accountability and responsibility, especially for those in leadership positions within the Catholic Church. 

I also introduce an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop. 

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/spiritual-abuse-workshop-7b6

 Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church: https://wherepeteris.com/resources/the-place-where-you-stand-is-holy-ground/

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:31 The Impact of Trauma on Faith
02:14 Reasons to Learn About Spiritual Abuse
03:58 The Systemic Nature of Spiritual Abuse
05:25 Introducing a Valuable Resource
06:56 Personal Reflections and Endorsements
08:14 How to Join the Workshop
08:40 Final Thoughts and Farewell

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
What do you know about spiritual abuse in your own life? Can you think of any spiritual experiences where you had felt like an important boundary was violated but you could not name what it was?

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Episode 142   

In this episode, I delve into an intriguing question posed by one of my listeners: Can healing of complex trauma happen through a personal encounter with God where He reveals His true nature to us? 

Building on a previous video that discussed how healing complex trauma transforms our image of God, I explore the multidimensional aspects of such healing. I share insights from my personal faith journey, emphasising that while direct, mystical experiences with God can indeed be a significant part of healing, they are only one facet. 

I discuss the importance of healing through safe relationships with other creatures, including pets, and the crucial process of repairing our relationship with ourselves. This episode highlights the interconnectedness of our relationships with God, ourselves, and others in the journey towards holistic healing from complex trauma.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
01:04 Context
03:28 Viewer's Question
05:33 Pre-Response Notes on Interdisciplinary Perspective and Complex Trauma
09:12 Short Response: One Dimension of Healing
10:40 Extended Response: Other Dimensions of Healing
14:31 What Healing Is
17:33 Healing Through Direct Encounters with God
18:35 Healing Through Safe Relationships with Creation
22:24 Healing the Relationship with Oneself
24:02 Impact of Complex Trauma on the Relationship with Self, Prayer, and Trust
29:16 How A Broken Relationship with Self Impacts Relationship with God
35:25 God's Presence, and Interconnectedness in the Dimensions of Healing
38:52 Response Summary
39:24 Concluding Thoughts
40:40 Podcast Plans and Updates

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you experienced God revealing his loving nature to you in a direct, unmediated encounter before? Have you experienced God loving you through a safe and loving relationship with another person or creature? Have you experienced how healing your relationship with yourself has deepened your ability to connect with others?

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Episode 141   

In this episode, I delve into how our healing from complex trauma also heals our image of God. Drawing from my own experiences since 2008, I discuss three types of trauma—emotional neglect, emotional/spiritual abuse, and enmeshment trauma—and their impact on our relationship with God.

I explain how authentic love and healing can reshape these distorted images, drawing on personal stories and insights to illustrate this transformative process. I also address the challenges and fears that come with such profound changes in our understanding and experience of God. Join me as I share this deeply personal and challenging journey towards healing and a more authentic relationship with God.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
03:04 Healing the Image of God
03:24 A Personal Healing Journey
04:34 The Impact of Complex Trauma
13:47 Understanding Emotional Neglect
20:36 The Effects of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
25:11 Enmeshment Trauma and Its Consequences
26:16 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
27:17 The Impact of Spiritual Abuse
30:01 Healing Through Authentic Love
31:33 Rewriting Our Story with God
36:48 Embracing Emotional Freedom
41:05 Navigating the Healing Journey
47:16 The Role of the Holy Spirit in Healing
52:09 Concluding Thoughts on Healing and Growth


TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

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Episode 140 

In this episode, I explore how complex trauma affects our ability to make spiritual discernment by making it difficult for us to have "holy indifference". Often times we know we struggle to have that detachment we need to make a good discernment, but we don't realise that our difficulties may not be due to spiritual failings but because of the wounds in our embodied emotional capacity for authentic, secure love.

I discuss the importance of a secure attachment with God, the impact of trauma on our nervous system, how that affects our interior freedom, and how healing and integration can restore interior freedom in the discernment process. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Trauma and Spiritual Discernment
04:43 What Discernment Isn't
14:28 How Trauma Impacts Discernment
18:26 How Healing Transforms Discernment

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Is your experience of spiritual discernment one of deep security and detachment or are you often anxious about "making the correct discernment"? Can you identify one way in which complex trauma has affected the way you approach spiritual discernment?

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Episode 139 

In this episode, I address a thought-provoking question from one of my subscribers who asked how can we experience the unconditional love of God. I delve into the concept of embodied spirituality, underscoring the indispensability of involving our entire being—body, senses, and soul—in our spiritual journey to connect with God's love more authentically.

I share practical methods to engage with God in daily life which serve as pathways to recognise and feel His presence more tangibly. Moreover, I distinguish between feeling loved by God and truly soaking in His unconditional love. I discuss the significant role of psychological healing in experiencing God's love, highlighting techniques like inner child reparenting and the Internal Family Systems theory for deeper self-acceptance and love.

I conclude by inviting viewers to embrace living the questions of their spiritual journey, focusing less on the unhealed parts of themselves and more on remaining attentive and responsive to God's ongoing presence and invitations to healing in our lives.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you asked God to let you experience his unconditional love? Do you do so regularly? (It is perhaps the simplest and most important prayer for our healing and integration journey!)

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Episode 138 

In this personal narrative, I discuss my journey as a recovering complex trauma survivor, grappling with a deep-seated fear of criticism, judgment, and rejection, and how these fears intersect with my faith and my walk with Christ.

I explore the concept of interior integration and the realisation that my fear of criticism was not just about a lack of faith, but a signal of deeper issues stemming from complex trauma and a lack of secure attachment with both myself and God.

This sharing highlights my shift from viewing my fears through a purely spiritual lens to embracing a more integrated approach that incorporates psychological insight. I reflect on the importance of establishing boundaries, cultivating self-compassion, and adopting an embodied spirituality that brings healing to our relationship with God and ourselves.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
02:10 Spiritual vs. Integrated Approaches
06:57 Healing Through Integration and Boundaries
19:51 Overcoming Fear of Criticism
22:52 The Power of Love and Secure Attachment

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Are you very easily affected by praise or criticism too? What new perspective from this episode did you find helpful in your struggles with fearing criticism?

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