Episode 151 (Bonus)  

In this special bonus episode for Holy Week, I share a deeply personal and vulnerable story about my journey through spiritual trauma and healing. Last year, I wrote an open letter on my personal blog, disclosing the challenges I've faced and continue to face as a complex trauma survivor within the Catholic faith. 

From experiencing physical symptoms of distress during Mass to grappling with deeply ingrained religious guilt, I invite you to witness my journey towards understanding, acceptance, and integration. I hope my story resonates with others who struggle with similar feelings during Holy Week, providing language, comfort, and a sense of solidarity. 

Additionally, I offer practical suggestions for seeking support, emphasizing the importance of trauma-informed care within spiritual and therapeutic frameworks. God meets us exactly where we are, and this episode is an invitation to take that first step towards healing.

Read My Blogposts:

To My Fellow Complex Trauma Survivors Who Struggle with Holy Week

A Good Friday Confession (I Don’t Feel Anything)

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
02:21 A Vulnerable Self-Disclosure
07:41 The Letter Begins
13:55 Waking Up to Anger and My Body Saying "No"
16:49 Trauma Mingled with Faith
19:42 Dying (To Ego) Into Authentic Love
21:27 Entering Christ's Wounds Through My Wounds
23:12 Why Holy Week Can Be Re-traumatising for Trauma Surviors
26:00 Letting God Love Me Through Self-Love
28:30 New Trauma-Informed Wine Skins Needed
29:54 What Can Trauma Survivors Do To Support Ourselves?
33:13 Final Thoughts
36:02 Conclusion

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Episode 150  

In this heartfelt conversation, I sit down with Paul Fahey, a limited licensed professional counselor, retreat leader, and catechist from Michigan, USA. Paul shares insights from his work in pastoral counseling for Catholics who have been spiritually abused and his efforts to educate ministers to be more equipped in their ministry. We delve into the complex nature of spiritual and religious trauma, the importance of language in healing from trauma, and the profound teachings of the Catholic Church on human dignity. 

Through personal stories and shared experiences, we explore the critical theme of dignity, how trauma affects our understanding of love and self-worth, and the necessity of creating safe spaces within or away from the Church for healing and authentic connection. 

This episode offers a rich and thought-provoking discussion on how we can reclaim our dignity and experience God's chaste, non-controlling love in the midst of a fallen world.

Visit Paul Fahey’s website here.
Documents quoted by Paul:

• Dignitatis Humanae
• Patris Corde
• Fratelli Tutti

Read my newsletter post Lament, Hope & Healing: Resources on Spiritual Abuse.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction to Paul Fahey
01:12 Discussing Trauma and Spiritual Abuse
05:53 Exploring Human Dignity in Church Teachings
10:32 Understanding Spiritual Authority and Coercion
35:51 Chastity and Non-Possessive Love
47:33 Healing from Spiritual Coercion
53:45 Struggling with Faith and Depression
56:14 Journey Out of Depression
58:29 Role of a Catechist and Therapist
59:50 The Importance of Experiencing Non-controlling Love
01:01:40 Experiencing God's Reverence
01:04:00 The Concept of Theosis
01:11:51 Challenges in the Church
01:15:44 Accompanying Ourselves in Healing
01:32:03 Forgiveness Demands Justice for the Victim
01:37:22 Wrestling with the Lack of Safety in Church
01:42:24 Reality is Greater than Ideas
01:44:35 Final Thoughts and Gratitude

REFLECTION PROMPT
How have I experienced coerci

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Episode 149  

In this episode, I delve into the unique challenges that Catholic and Christian trauma survivors face in their healing journeys. Drawing from my own experiences and observations, I outline five specific reasons why faith can often complicate trauma recovery for believers. 

From the difficulty of accepting abuse within 'good' religious families, to the guilt around naming harm and the complexities of forgiveness, I discuss the psychological and spiritual hurdles that can impede healing. Join me as I explore how religious convictions, while deeply meaningful, sometimes inadvertently obstruct the path to recovery.

LINKS MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Ex-Missionaries of Charity allege culture of abuse and neglect
• "The Turning" : The dark side of Mother Teresa's order, according to nuns who left
• Report: Jean Vanier’s L’Arche Hid ‘Mystical-Sexual’ Sect for Decades
• 'Confusion, control and abuse': Report offers new details about Jean Vanier's secret sect and sexual exploitation

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction to the Podcast
[00:04] Challenges for Catholic and Christian Trauma Survivors
[02:15] Reason 1: Difficulty Admitting Abuse in Religious Contexts
[11:36] Reason 2: Unrecognised Abusive Dynamics
[17:12] Reason 3: The Pressure to Forgive
[22:37] Reason 4: Guilt in Naming Harm
[27:09] Reason 5: Distrust of Secular Resources
[34:43] The Impact of Religious Convictions on Healing
[35:58] Conclusion and Invitation to Reflect

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you resonate with any of these reasons outlined in this episode? 
If yes: Which reason(s) do you resonate with? What do you observe about its impact in your healing journey? 
If no: How did you feel listening to this episode? Are there other reasons you can identify from your own experience?

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Episode 148   

In this episode, I address a profound question from a long-time podcast listener and religious sister in Southeast Asia regarding her healing journey. We explore the intricacies of feeling productive and empowered at times, facing moments of deep uncertainty and doubt at others, and when questions of authenticity, accountability, and integrity become overwhelming. 

I break down the layers of her experience from a coaching perspective, discussing the sensation of overwhelm, life scripts centered around productivity, internal family systems (IFS) theory, and the stages of faith development from the Critical Journey model. This episode is rich with insights into the interior journey of healing and integration, emphasising the importance of giving oneself permission to feel, pause, and go at the pace we need in the interior journey.

RESOURCES

Book on Amazon
The Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of Faith

YouTube / Podcast
Stages of Maturing Faith: Insights From "The Critical Journey”
Personal Vocation Discernment through the Stages of Faith 

Watch this episode's recording on YouTube.
Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Listener's Question
[00:38] Context and Background
[01:04] Reading the Listener's Question
[02:25] Breaking Down the Question
[03:53] Observations and Insights
[05:43] Understanding Overwhelm and Productivity Scripts
[11:30] Internal Family Systems (IFS) Explanation
[20:03] Stages of Faith Development
[31:08] Final Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
How would you describe your relationship with (i) Productivity and (ii) Uncertainty? What are some scripts that you might have in moments of overwhelm and uncertainty? Which stage of the Critical Journey is currently the most prominent for you in your journey?

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Episode 147   

In this episode, I discuss a common challenge faced by complex trauma survivors: the notion that those who harmed us did the best they could. I emphasise why it's crucial not to accept this idea too early in the healing process. 

We need to focus on acknowledging the harm and injustice inflicted upon us before considering the limitations and reasons why our abusers acted the way they did. This is a journey of radical honesty and acceptance, facing uncomfortable truths without bypassing our emotions. 

Join me as I explore why truth is essential for healing from trauma and how to reframe our understanding of love and compassion.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[02:00] Internalising Dissonance and Self-Blame
[03:13] Scripts and Roles for Survival
[04:37] The Capacity for Love and Attunement
[08:07] Holding Opposing Truths
[10:06] The Importance of Radical Honesty
[18:21] Navigating the Healing Journey
[24:36] Radical Acceptance vs. Resignation
[27:52] Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

REFLECTION PROMPT
Notice if there were any particular sensations in your body as you listened to this episode. Which segments might they have been in response to?
What relationships in your life might you have noticed difficulty in holding opposing truths, or may have been told or thought that those who had harmed you “did their best”?

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Episode 146   

In this episode, I delve into the challenging and often misunderstood topic of deconstruction, especially for those of us healing from complex trauma as persons of faith. 

I share my own journey and how deconstruction has been an essential part of my healing process. We'll define what deconstruction means in this context and explore the three zones where I experienced it: Self-Identity, Family and Cultural Values, and Faith. Despite its inherent risk, deconstruction is a necessary and important part of the journey towards wholeness and a more secure faith in God. 
 
I hope my sharing reassures those of you on the healing journey that your experience of deconstruction or “undoing” is an integral and hopeful part of the healing process even if very few people in your life can understand you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction
[01:44] Defining Deconstruction
[06:03] 3 Zones of Deconstruction
[07:59] 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction
[14:34] 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction
[19:58] 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction
[34:53] Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent
[42:26] Questions for Pondering and Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Which ‘zones’ have you begun to experience deconstruction in? What are the fundamental questions you are asking right now which you had never asked before?

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Episode 145   

In this episode, I open up about the challenges of experiencing setbacks in the healing journey. I share a recent personal experience that triggered a significant emotional response and discuss the importance of recognizing and managing these setbacks. By acknowledging the dynamics of our internal responses, such as through the lens of Internal Family Systems and complex trauma, I hope to offer support and validation for those feeling disheartened by setbacks. I seek to share a reminder that setbacks are a normal part of healing. Join me as I share honest reflections from my ongoing journey with you.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00] Introduction and Context
[02:55] Patterns in the Interior Integration Journey
[04:46] Personal Sharing of Dysregulation Experience
[08:41] Setbacks Happen and It's Normal
[09:53] Navigating Recovery from Setbacks and Seeking Support
[16:45] God's Presence and Grace in the Healing Journey
[20:31] Conclusion and Encouragement

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have there been times where you experienced setbacks in your healing journey? What cues did you notice about your internal responses, and in your body? 
What resources did you have, or wish(ed) to have, to help you recover from setbacks?

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Episode 144   

In this episode, I share a deeply personal story about the painful moment when I realized that having faith and spiritual practices alone couldn't save me from the dysfunctional patterns in my life.

I discuss the inadvertent impact of unconscious complex trauma, the harm of spiritual abuse, and the significance of human integration in the healing journey. This reflection highlights the importance of seeking broader resources beyond faith practices in the journey toward wholeness in healing. This may include developing insight on psychological and family dynamics. I hope this sharing makes you feel less alone and provides hope on your path to becoming more integrated and whole.

In the previous episode, I introduced an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop.

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop. 
Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
[00:00:36] Lack of Awareness and Spiritually Abusive Behaviours
[00:01:23] Personal Story on Spiritual Abuse
[00:02:27] Gaps in Human Formation and Integration
[00:06:07] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Poor Boundaries
[00:07:38] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Insecurities and Burnout
[00:10:15] Impact of Gaps in Integration: Performing and Pushing for Perfection
[00:12:13] The Wake-Up Call that I Had Harmed Others
[00:14:12] On Realizing that I Had Been Spiritually Abusive
[00:15:45] Trauma and Toxic Shame
[00:17:44] 'Waking Up' to the Integration Journey
[00:19:17] Acknowledging Our Context with Compassion
[00:24:52] Embodied Faith
[00:28:56] Encouragement for Listeners
[00:31:14] Conclusion and Final Thoughts

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you had an encounter or experience where you realised that you were harming someone when you were only intending to love them to the best of your ability? How did you respond to that realisation?

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Episode 143   

In this episode, I briefly discuss the importance of understanding spiritual abuse, particularly if you're on a healing journey from trauma and its effects on your relationship with God. I outline three major reasons why learning about spiritual abuse is crucial: it helps identify and heal from obstacles in our relationship with God, prevents the inadvertent perpetuation of abuse, and enhances accountability and responsibility, especially for those in leadership positions within the Catholic Church. 

I also introduce an invaluable workshop presented by Paul Fahey, focusing on recognising, preventing, and responding to spiritual abuse in the Catholic context. Join me in exploring this significant resource—check the show notes for more information and a link to the workshop. 

Link to Register for Spiritual Abuse Workshop: https://www.catholicthirdspace.com/p/spiritual-abuse-workshop-7b6

 Read Paul Fahey’s article on Spiritual Abuse in the Catholic Church: https://wherepeteris.com/resources/the-place-where-you-stand-is-holy-ground/

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:31 The Impact of Trauma on Faith
02:14 Reasons to Learn About Spiritual Abuse
03:58 The Systemic Nature of Spiritual Abuse
05:25 Introducing a Valuable Resource
06:56 Personal Reflections and Endorsements
08:14 How to Join the Workshop
08:40 Final Thoughts and Farewell

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
What do you know about spiritual abuse in your own life? Can you think of any spiritual experiences where you had felt like an important boundary was violated but you could not name what it was?

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Episode 142   

In this episode, I delve into an intriguing question posed by one of my listeners: Can healing of complex trauma happen through a personal encounter with God where He reveals His true nature to us? 

Building on a previous video that discussed how healing complex trauma transforms our image of God, I explore the multidimensional aspects of such healing. I share insights from my personal faith journey, emphasising that while direct, mystical experiences with God can indeed be a significant part of healing, they are only one facet. 

I discuss the importance of healing through safe relationships with other creatures, including pets, and the crucial process of repairing our relationship with ourselves. This episode highlights the interconnectedness of our relationships with God, ourselves, and others in the journey towards holistic healing from complex trauma.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
01:04 Context
03:28 Viewer's Question
05:33 Pre-Response Notes on Interdisciplinary Perspective and Complex Trauma
09:12 Short Response: One Dimension of Healing
10:40 Extended Response: Other Dimensions of Healing
14:31 What Healing Is
17:33 Healing Through Direct Encounters with God
18:35 Healing Through Safe Relationships with Creation
22:24 Healing the Relationship with Oneself
24:02 Impact of Complex Trauma on the Relationship with Self, Prayer, and Trust
29:16 How A Broken Relationship with Self Impacts Relationship with God
35:25 God's Presence, and Interconnectedness in the Dimensions of Healing
38:52 Response Summary
39:24 Concluding Thoughts
40:40 Podcast Plans and Updates

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you experienced God revealing his loving nature to you in a direct, unmediated encounter before? Have you experienced God loving you through a safe and loving relationship with another person or creature? Have you experienced how healing your relationship with yourself has deepened your ability to connect with others?

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Episode 141   

In this episode, I delve into how our healing from complex trauma also heals our image of God. Drawing from my own experiences since 2008, I discuss three types of trauma—emotional neglect, emotional/spiritual abuse, and enmeshment trauma—and their impact on our relationship with God.

I explain how authentic love and healing can reshape these distorted images, drawing on personal stories and insights to illustrate this transformative process. I also address the challenges and fears that come with such profound changes in our understanding and experience of God. Join me as I share this deeply personal and challenging journey towards healing and a more authentic relationship with God.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
03:04 Healing the Image of God
03:24 A Personal Healing Journey
04:34 The Impact of Complex Trauma
13:47 Understanding Emotional Neglect
20:36 The Effects of Emotional and Spiritual Abuse
25:11 Enmeshment Trauma and Its Consequences
26:16 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma
27:17 The Impact of Spiritual Abuse
30:01 Healing Through Authentic Love
31:33 Rewriting Our Story with God
36:48 Embracing Emotional Freedom
41:05 Navigating the Healing Journey
47:16 The Role of the Holy Spirit in Healing
52:09 Concluding Thoughts on Healing and Growth


TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

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Episode 140 

In this episode, I explore how complex trauma affects our ability to make spiritual discernment by making it difficult for us to have "holy indifference". Often times we know we struggle to have that detachment we need to make a good discernment, but we don't realise that our difficulties may not be due to spiritual failings but because of the wounds in our embodied emotional capacity for authentic, secure love.

I discuss the importance of a secure attachment with God, the impact of trauma on our nervous system, how that affects our interior freedom, and how healing and integration can restore interior freedom in the discernment process. 

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Trauma and Spiritual Discernment
04:43 What Discernment Isn't
14:28 How Trauma Impacts Discernment
18:26 How Healing Transforms Discernment

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Is your experience of spiritual discernment one of deep security and detachment or are you often anxious about "making the correct discernment"? Can you identify one way in which complex trauma has affected the way you approach spiritual discernment?

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Episode 139 

In this episode, I address a thought-provoking question from one of my subscribers who asked how can we experience the unconditional love of God. I delve into the concept of embodied spirituality, underscoring the indispensability of involving our entire being—body, senses, and soul—in our spiritual journey to connect with God's love more authentically.

I share practical methods to engage with God in daily life which serve as pathways to recognise and feel His presence more tangibly. Moreover, I distinguish between feeling loved by God and truly soaking in His unconditional love. I discuss the significant role of psychological healing in experiencing God's love, highlighting techniques like inner child reparenting and the Internal Family Systems theory for deeper self-acceptance and love.

I conclude by inviting viewers to embrace living the questions of their spiritual journey, focusing less on the unhealed parts of themselves and more on remaining attentive and responsive to God's ongoing presence and invitations to healing in our lives.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you asked God to let you experience his unconditional love? Do you do so regularly? (It is perhaps the simplest and most important prayer for our healing and integration journey!)

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Episode 138 

In this personal narrative, I discuss my journey as a recovering complex trauma survivor, grappling with a deep-seated fear of criticism, judgment, and rejection, and how these fears intersect with my faith and my walk with Christ.

I explore the concept of interior integration and the realisation that my fear of criticism was not just about a lack of faith, but a signal of deeper issues stemming from complex trauma and a lack of secure attachment with both myself and God.

This sharing highlights my shift from viewing my fears through a purely spiritual lens to embracing a more integrated approach that incorporates psychological insight. I reflect on the importance of establishing boundaries, cultivating self-compassion, and adopting an embodied spirituality that brings healing to our relationship with God and ourselves.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction
02:10 Spiritual vs. Integrated Approaches
06:57 Healing Through Integration and Boundaries
19:51 Overcoming Fear of Criticism
22:52 The Power of Love and Secure Attachment

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Are you very easily affected by praise or criticism too? What new perspective from this episode did you find helpful in your struggles with fearing criticism?

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Episode 137 

In this episode, I delve into the journey of personal vocation discernment across different stages of faith, inspired by the book 'The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith'. I share my insights on how our inner journey and the process of discerning our personal calling evolves from the initial stages of discovering God, moving through discipleship and productivity, to questioning, doubt and interior wrestling, and finally towards a deeper integration and living out our vocation.

Watch this recording on YouTube.
Book: The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my newsletter Begin Again for written reflections about the interior journey.

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
How have you been approaching the discernment of your personal vocation? How has this episode given you new insight to your own journey and experience of discernment?

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Bonus Episode 136

In this episode, I share some updates as my subscriber count has grown across various platforms. Whether you're new to my content or a long-time follower, I introduce myself, my journey, and my mission behind creating content to support the interior integration journey of deepening intimacy with God and psychological and emotional healing.

I discuss the integration of intellectual and relational dimensions of faith, my personal experiences, and how they shape my content. I'll also provide updates on future content consolidation, my evolving journey, and why there might be a slower pace of new content in the near future. Your support and prayers during this time mean a lot to me. Let's continue this journey together!

Watch this recording on YouTube.

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Episode 135

In this episode, I delve into the transition many of us experience from spiritual fervour to spiritual maturity, especially during deep healing and integration. I discuss the differences between these stages, focusing on their characteristics and how we respond to suffering.

By sharing my personal experiences and insights into the stages of faith development, I aim to reassure you that losing initial spiritual passion is a natural part of maturing in faith. Join me as I offer a  look at how this journey helps us love more like God does. I hope this gives you hope and a new perspective on your spiritual path.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction to Spiritual Midlife Crisis
05:05 Personal Journey Through Spiritual Crisis
06:40 Discovering New Ways to Connect with God
10:31 Navigating Spiritual Desert and Rediscovery
18:19 Encountering Spiritual Midlife: A Turning Point
21:22 Exploring the Midlife Spiritual Journey
22:28 The Critical Journey: Understanding Spiritual Midlife
23:59 The Wall: The Place of Crisis
24:50 Integration and Healing: The Core of Spiritual Midlife
28:44 Seeking Support and Resources During Spiritual Midlife
38:07 The Importance of Trauma-Informed Support
40:09 Embracing Uncertainty and Transformation
41:16 Finding Your Path and Support in Spiritual Midlife


TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

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Episode 134

Join me in this candid episode as I engage in a heartfelt conversation with trauma-informed and somatic-trained Catholic spiritual guide Edwina Yeow, founder of Anam Cara Ministries (Singapore). We delve into the deep connection between trauma, spirituality, and our relationship with God. Edwina, a seasoned Catholic spiritual director with 30 years of experience, shares invaluable insights on integrating spiritual direction, psychology, and somatic awareness to address trauma’s impact on our relationship with God.

We discuss the importance of involving the body in spiritual healing and the role trauma plays in shaping our religious scripts. This episode encourages a spirit of curiosity towards healing, self-love, and deeper intimacy with God through a trauma-informed perspective.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my newsletter Begin Again for written reflections about the interior journey.

RESOURCES
Edwina Yeow's website.
Other episodes with Edwina Yeow

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Which part of this conversation resonated with you the most? What could God be inviting you to ponder with him in your heart about the fears you have of losing his love for you?

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Episode 133

In this episode, I share my personal experience with spiritual midlife crisis.

I share about the difficult and transformative phases of my journey, including moments of doubt, deep introspection, and the deconstruction of my previously held beliefs and practices. Through this challenging journey, I discovered crucial resources that guided me to understand the stages of faith development and the significance of the 'Wall', a pivotal point in one's spiritual midlife.

I emphasise the importance of integrating one's emotional and spiritual aspects and the crucial role of seeking support through spiritual direction and psychotherapy.

Resource:
The Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of Faith by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich
Falling Upward: A Spirituality for the Two Halves of Life by Richard Rohr
When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life's Sacred Questions by Sue Monk Kidd

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
See episode page for more details.

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
How have you experienced God's grace in moments of difficulty? In what ways do you need to trust that His grace is sufficient for your current challenges? Are there moments when you feel like you can’t keep going? How can you show yourself compassion during these times, knowing that it’s normal to feel this way? Remind yourself of God's compassion when you're feeling discouraged and trust in God, even when others don’t fully grasp what you’re going through.

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Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

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Leave a Review:
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Episode 132

In this episode, I introduce and share reflections from “The Critical Journey: Stages in the Life of Faith," by Janet O. Hagberg and Robert A. Guelich. This remarkable resource opened my eyes to the stages of faith development, reinforcing the crucial role of experiential learning and integrating emotional healing with spiritual growth.

I share insights from each of the six stages described in the book, weaving in reflections on my own progression and the introspective challenges encountered, especially the profound impact of confronting 'The Wall' in Stage 4.

My aim is to offer solace by sharing my story and insights on navigating the complex landscapes of faith, hoping it will resonate with others on their own spiritual journeys, encouraging them towards embracing their path with understanding and compassion.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
(00:00:22) - Introduction
(00:00:59) - Resource Introduction
(00:02:05) - Discovering "The Critical Journey"
(00:05:05) - Stages of Faith Development
(00:13:50) - Stage 1: Recogition of God
(00:15:09) - Stage 2: Life of Discpleship
(00:17:34) - Stage 3: The Productive Life
(00:22:13) - Stage 4: The Journey Inward
(00:35:06) - Stage 5: The Journey Outward
(00:38:30) - Stage 6: Life of Love
(00:48:13) - Final Thoughts
(00:49:24) - Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Reflect on your own journey towards healing and integration. How has your awareness evolved over time? Consider how your ability to serve others has changed. Who are you best able to support now compared to the past? Recall moments when you felt truly seen and understood in your struggles. What made those moments significant?

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Social Media:
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Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

Support the Show:
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Leave a Review:
If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 131

In this episode, I share my personal journey from having a disembodied faith, which was largely intellectual and disconnected from my emotional and physical experiences, to developing an embodied faith that integrates my beliefs with all aspects of my life. I delve into what disembodied faith means, why many of us experience faith this way, and the transformative process towards embodying our faith.

Through my own story of interior healing and integration, I highlight three key signs that indicate a shift towards a more incarnate, lived faith, emphasising the importance of embracing the messiness and challenges of this journey. The goal is to offer hope and understanding for those on the path to a more holistic and authentic experience of faith.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00:25) - Introduction
(00:03:52) - What is "Disembodied Faith"?
(00:10:47) - Why is our Faith Disembodied?
(00:15:27) - Three Signs of Disembodied Faith
(00:15:36) - Preoccupation with Understanding the Content of our Faith
(00:17:13) - Discrepancies Start to Bother Us
(00:19:39) - We are more Drawn to People in Touch with their Humanity
(00:21:06) - You can't Force on Yourself the "Right Thing"
(00:24:09) - Befriending our Emotions
(00:27:31) - Not being Afraid of Criticism
(00:30:42) - Secure in Love
(00:40:00) - Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

Support the show

SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT

Social Media:
Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.

Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

Support the Show:
Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)
One-time Donation

Leave a Review:
If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 130

In this episode, I share my deep personal reflections on what it means to lay down my life in alignment with Christ, but without feeling lesser for it. Growing up in an enmeshed family system with rigid expectations of selflessness, ingrained through my Catholic upbringing, I faced challenges in understanding genuine self-sacrifice.

I discuss the subtle yet critical difference between self-abandonment—a state that breeds resentment and diminishes self-worth—and genuine self-gift which is free and joyful, enriching both myself and others.

My aim is to guide listeners on a path towards emotional health and authentic self-giving, highlighting the impact on family, faith, and self-perception of our ability to love authentically.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
00:00 Introduction: Reflecting on Self-Sacrifice and Authentic Living
00:37 Exploring the Roots: Family, Faith, and Self-Perception
01:35 The Struggle with Self-Abandonment and Seeking Approval
04:45 Discovering the Difference: Self-Abandonment vs. Self-Gift
07:38 The Journey Towards Emotional Health and Authentic Self-Gift
11:15 Understanding Self-Abandonment: Signs and Consequences
19:36 Embracing Self-Gift: The Path to Freedom and Joy
28:44 Conclusion: The Power of Authentic Self-Gift and Healing

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Do you struggle to make an authentic self-gift of yourself without abandoning yourself? Where might you have learned that abandoning yourself is a good thing? Are you open to changing your mind and believing that it is authentic self-gift that Christ is inviting you to make?

Support the show

SUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORT

Social Media:
Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.

Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

Support the Show:
Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)
One-time Donation

Leave a Review:
If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 129

In this episode, I engage in a deep and meaningful conversation with Catholic author and trauma therapist Brya Hanan. We delve into the complexities of trauma, particularly how it intersects with our faith journey. We explore how experiencing a resistance to going to church and attending mass can be a trauma response, and the importance of compassion and understanding in addressing these issues. This conversation aims to open up a space for greater empathy and curiosity about the unseen struggles of others, offering hope and guidance for those grappling with trauma in their spiritual lives.

GUEST PROFILE: BRYA HANAN LMFT

Watch this recording on YouTube.

RESOURCES ON SPIRITUAL TRAUMA
Trauma in the Pews: The Impact on Faith and Spiritual Practices by Janyne McConnaughey, PhD.
The Lord Is My Shepherd: Stepping Through the Shadows of Fear Toward the Voice of Love by KJ Ramsey
The Holy/Hurt Podcast by Dr. Hillary L McBride

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
(00:00:22) - Introduction
(00:00:51) - Special Guest: Brya Hanan, Catholic Trauma Therapist
(00:01:46) - Personal Journey of Faith and Trauma
(00:03:24) - Understanding Trauma Responses
(00:05:31) - Reconnecting with Faith
(00:06:18) - The Impact of Trauma in a Church Setting
(00:08:26) - What Inner Child Healing Can Do
(00:11:43) - Integrating Therapy and Faith
(00:15:39) - Being Trauma-Informed
(00:24:20) - Trauma and Religious Practices
(00:33:45) - Understanding Our Bodies
(00:34:09) - Can I Will Myself? Is it all in my Mind?
(00:36:00) - The Impact of Trauma Responses
(00:43:49) - What goes on Behind the Scenes with Trauma
(00:47:22) - Integrating Faith and Holistic Healing
(00:51:47) - Useful Resources
(00:54:38) - Final Thoughts

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you been struggling with going to mass or with something similar? Do you notice how your body feels and reacts? This could be an impact of trauma. Has there anything else in this episode that speaks to you?

Support the show

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Social Media:
Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.

Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

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Leave a Review:
If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 128   

In this final episode of the season, I share how my understanding of faithfulness has evolved as I healed. Initially, my understanding of faithfulness was deeply rooted in a binary, performance-based perspective, influenced by my cultural and religious upbringing. I viewed it as a straightforward measure of adherence to a set of religious practices and moral standards, essentially a checklist that delineated a clear boundary between being faithful and unfaithful.

This perspective was challenged and eventually transformed through a journey of interior healing and unlearning, prompted by encounters with others who shared their struggles and a pivotal personal retreat that revealed the inadequacy of my foundational beliefs about faithfulness. I came to realise that faithfulness is not about meeting a predefined set of criteria perfectly but about authentic engagement with God's love and grace amidst our imperfections.

This new understanding of faithfulness as dynamic, multi-layered, and diverse in expression, deeply influenced by personal context and inner disposition, has significantly altered how I perceive myself and others, fostering a more compassionate and nuanced view of our collective striving towards faithfulness.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
(00:00:17) - Introduction
(00:02:01) - The Importance of Conviction and Integration
(00:07:20) - The Role of Trauma in Personal Growth
(00:10:21) - Virtue and Emotion Regulation
(00:11:51) - The Struggle of Living Out Convictions
(00:13:58) - God's Love in Personal Transformation
(00:25:58) - The Challenge of Living Out Conovictions in Relationships
(00:26:59) - The Journey of Healing and Integration
(00:29:52) - The Role of Discernment in the Interior Journey
(00:43:20) - Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you experienced being full of passion and conviction about the kind of life you want to live while realising that you don't have the power to make that conviction a reality in your life? Can you identify how a lack of integration may be the reason for that?

Support the show

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Social Media:
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Newsletter:
Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.

Support the Show:
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Leave a Review:
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Episode 127   

In this podcast episode, I open up about a deeply personal and often stigmatised issue - my struggle with compulsions and addictions. I discuss how these issues are not only challenging to confront but are also shrouded in shame and secrecy, particularly when they deal with substance abuse or sex.

Drawing from my experiences, I reflect on the societal pressure to maintain an image of responsibility and control, and how even socially acceptable compulsions, like binge-watching TV or overworking, can trigger feelings of shame. I share the profound impact that self-criticism and a lack of compassion have had on my journey, emphasising the pivotal role of interior integration in my healing process.

Through exploring concepts like Internal Family Systems (IFS) and the importance of understanding the underlying trauma behind compulsive behaviors, I advocate for a compassionate approach to oneself. The episode highlights my transformation towards self-love, emphasising that divine love and self-compassion are crucial for overcoming compulsions and addictions and finding wholeness.

Watch this recording on YouTube.

Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.

CHAPTER MARKERS
(00:00:21) - Introduction
(00:01:36) - The Shame of Compulsions and Addictions
(00:02:49) - Personal Struggles and Shame
(00:06:05) - The Cycle of Addiction and Repentance
(00:11:34) - Experiencing God's Unconditional Love
(00:15:41) - The Role of Self-Compassion
(00:28:16) - Internal Family Systems (IFS)
(00:29:07) - 1. Managers
(00:29:50) - 2. Exiles
(00:30:48) - 3. Firefighters
(00:37:15) - Conclusion

TRANSCRIPT
Available here.

REFLECTION PROMPT
Have you ever found yourself in similar patterns of compulsion? Are you able to recognise the root of these addictions and compulsions? Think about some of the ways you have been using certain compulsions and habits to escape unpleasantness in your life. Is there a better way?

Support the show

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Leave a Review:
If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.