You Didn't Ask For This

115 | Raw, Primal Imaginarium

• Matt Shea and Eric Poch

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For generations, professors and philosophers have debated the possible solutions to "The Trolly Problem." Now, finally, blissfully...these two idiots solve it once and for all. Also: When the toddler hands you the phone…what’s being said on the other line? Then we finish the ep with part two of Google Gripes round one!

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Matt:

matt, what time is it right now?

Eric:

right now, it is pert near 7, 12 pm matt, would you believe me if I told you I'm on my third cup of coffee since about 6 30?

Matt:

since 6 30 pm pm.

Eric:

Uh, I mean, I would everything all right, my friend matt, I have made three cups of coffee between the times of 615. And now and now, but this is the only one I've gotten to drink.

Matt:

Oh, okay, now, there we are.

Eric:

Yeah, so I made cup one. Now here's the situation we have on hand. We obviously we have many modes of coffee delivery in this house. Yeah, we have the French press. We have pour over. We used to have a coffee maker but it got real gross and we tossed it. But we, what we have for the I need caffeine, like now moments and I, and they're like I don't want to wrap my brain around having to, like, actually prepare anything. We also have jars of instant coffee. I know it gets the job done, so I made a cup of instant coffee. I went to get some heavy whipping cream out of the fridge. I'm feeling indulgent.

Matt:

Oh sure.

Eric:

I'll go for the heavy cream. And we'd just recently done some grocery shopping, I reach for the heavy cream. And we'd just recently done some grocery shopping, I reach for the heavy cream. I look at it. I'm like cool. I don't even look at it, I just owe it because I know like yeah, it's brand new.

Matt:

And if it's?

Eric:

heavy like the brand.

Matt:

I'm like cool cool, cool, oh God.

Eric:

And here's how I prepare my instant coffee I put the grounds in first, then I the grounds in first, then I put the cream in. I like to watch them swirl around in a little little dance, chocolatey dance of coffee colors. Yeah, and it's, it's beautiful. And then I will pour the hot water in, sure, um, and add sugar or something at some point. When I say I, I went to pour this heavy cream, and the last thing you want to see when you pour some heavy cream.

Eric:

It is a plot, is a glob, is a, is a. And that's when I look at the, the. The heavy cream is a month expired, so you've taken the wrong one. I took the wrong one. It's what we call paying the adhd tax. I'm like all right, well, this should never have remained in the fridge. But now, matt, I'm faced with a quandary. Yeah, because there I am Cup of goop and the last teaspoon of instant coffee.

Matt:

Good, you put it where it deserved, hell.

Eric:

But then Matt, I realize look, you gotta make coffee, now ADHD.

Eric:

So we paid the ADHD tax so far. But now we get our adhd tax return. And that's when our current container of instant coffee was empty. But our next one almost empty container that we had bought, this container place that we never threw away because it just became background noise to our brains. I'm looking at now I might have like, well, maybe there is still some magic in this old silk hat. We found there isn't, and and would you believe it or not? At the bottom then this is this is going from the, the instant coffee we got from h mart to the cafe bustejo instant espresso. That that's our. That's our our instant cafe bustelo. Um, I see that there's some build-up on the bottom of this jar and I am still. I'm like, oh, thank god, all is not lost and I don't even get out the teaspoon, like it's. So I just pour it in the cup and like get in there whatever's in this Such was your stores, such was my lot.

Matt:

Yes.

Eric:

And I did the same thing. This, you know, found the right heavy whipping cream. Thank let me say thank God, thank, fucking God Poured that, in Poured the water, in Watched the alchemy, watched the magic unfold, took a sip. Turns out there's a reason. All those little? Because it wasn't like the granules that you're used to seeing with instant coffee. It was like the, the, the confectioner's sugar, consistent like the, the powdery, like yeah, yeah, yeah, ever. It was one of the most bitter, unpleasant things I've ever put in my mouth. Nice back, that cup's gone. Then. I'm like I'm sitting there, I, literally I have the sad cloud over my head. Sure you can hear the, the. I'm just trudging along like I'm gonna record a podcast with not a, not a drop of caffeine in me again.

Eric:

This whole time could have made coffee but yeah, and we're back to the ADHD tax. This entire time I could have prepared that coffee. I could have fucking vacuum pulled, I could have done a fucking full lap Nope by the way, these are prime Keurig household conditions, by the way, but anyway, continue.

Eric:

I love my planet, matt Sure. This is the hill I die on. This is the hill you, by the way, but anyway, continue. I love my planet, matt Sure. Um, this is, this is the hill I die on. This is the hill you die on, this is the one, uh-huh, um. But then an angel appeared and her name was Alyssa. And Alyssa is like watching me, like I'm just sitting there like merr, I'm like making oh no, dang, and she's like what's wrong? That's what's what's wrong. I'm like like regale her with my tail. And then she says we bought instant coffee.

Eric:

We have a whole fresh ass jar of it right there, jesus christ jesus so just as soon as I got my adhd tax returns. I've turns out I've misfiled and I'm ah, there it is. Gotta file a correction. Yep, gotta file a correction. Got that shit, got this coffee and, matt, let me tell you this has truly been one of the most satisfying cups of instant coffee I've ever had in my life.

Matt:

I can't imagine that as a high bar to pass.

Eric:

And I fought and fucking died for this coffee. And I tried a new little trick today Put a little pinch of salt in. There Helps a lot, cuts the bitterness. It's a home remedy. That's what we call Trying to improve instant coffee. That's what we call homeopathic baristering.

Matt:

It feels like it's some sort of old wives tale.

Eric:

You put a pinch of salt in your instant coffee, and that's the appropriate. And the tax man won't be able to find you.

Matt:

That's the appropriate, I think, characterization to put on that, because it does sound like bullshit, like what you're saying. It helped. Have you ever tried in a pinch, since you are a fellow creamer?

Eric:

Yeah. Baby you know, I cream.

Matt:

Oh yeah, Sorry, it stopped me in my tracks. Usually does have you run into.

Eric:

Sorry, oh, I thought you said it put you in traction.

Matt:

No, no, no. I said I slipped in your tracks Now. Have you ever tried butter in a pinch?

Eric:

I have heard about this.

Matt:

Yeah. It seems, because it seems gross right.

Eric:

It seems gross, is it?

Matt:

nice, I'm here to tell the world that you can use butter in a fucking pinch, in a pit to replace creamer. But there is one big caveat, is there?

Eric:

you cannot look at your coffee, yep yep you can drink is there a gross ass oil slick just do under any circumstances.

Matt:

Look at that brew.

Eric:

Do not.

Matt:

Do not look into the rainbow-y shiny, Do not look at the oil slicking, don't look at the Exxon Valdez inside of your cup well, hello everybody and welcome to you. Didn't ask for this. It is the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name name is Matthew Shea, my name's Eric Poach and I don't understand why I've chosen to do this little character just now, the NPR guy. I can do better if I'm trying to do.

Eric:

NPR. Oh yeah, you have a natural NPR timber to your voice.

Matt:

Are you listening NPR? Are you listening? Oh my God, matt, you would thrive on NPR. Timber to your voice. Are you listening NPR?

Eric:

Are you listening? Oh my God, Matt, you would thrive on NPR. Are you kidding me? Let me see real quick.

Matt:

Do they have any openings?

Eric:

They need a China correspondent. Hold on a second.

Matt:

Okay, I'm going to read this, sight unseen. I asked ChatGPT to write me an npr style segment. Uh, intro, surprise guest chad gpt. Chad gpt has made a return and um, can I get some npr music? Thank you From NPR. This is you Didn't Ask For this the segment where we chase down the answers to questions you never thought to ask and maybe still aren't sure you wanted to. I'm Matt Shea. Every week, we dive headfirst into wonderfully weird, the historically obscure or the scientifically baffling, whose little corners of curiosity don't show up in the headlines but still somehow leave you saying wait, what Chills? This is not bad Chills. What do ancient Roman curse tablets, a 1970s Canadian goose and a forgotten Cold War phone line have in common? Absolutely nothing, and that's kind of the point. You didn't ask for this, but we're telling you anyway. Music transition then into first story. Matt, you've got the chops. I'm saying call me NPR if you're still active when this episode comes out, matt, are we in the Karate Kid right now?

Eric:

Is your name Daniel LaRusso right now, because you got the chops.

Matt:

Thank you, eric. Thank you, wax on wax off my boy Shall. We start the program now. Let's do the program. We've got some great questions that we need to tackle and then, at the end of all our exploring, we got round two, or I should say part two of round one of google gripes, season five everyone.

Eric:

Third era.

Matt:

Everyone followed that. Uh, now then?

Eric:

eric. All right kids. This question comes from our good, good friend and patron, bootsy bootsy. This is this is a question from the discord, from the discord, thanks. Bootsy bootsy's question is when the toddler hands you the phone, what's being said on the other line? And no, it cannot be them trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.

Matt:

God damn it she she thought she of that and you know what?

Eric:

too easy, too easy.

Matt:

So frankly, offensive, insulted, insulting would have immediately said it drop that on our door, such low hanging fruit. It's knocking around my toes, god it's just matt.

Eric:

We've got so many arrows in the quiver.

Matt:

It's, but it's just it's just you know what it is. Eric, you can't stand being restrained no, I'm a free spirit.

Eric:

I am free spirit, god, I, I am the molder to your scully Gotta, let this caged bird sing. Maya Angelou might make some exception to that, but the sentiment behind everything you just said yes, I agree, thank you. So when you're joshing with a toddler, when you're when you're. I don't like the. That is something you said.

Matt:

I don't know when you're hanging out with a, with a proto-human when you're hanging out at a preschool when you're kicking, kicking back with kicking back in kindergarten.

Eric:

Yeah, and that little kid hands you the phone A. Fisher-price brightly colored phone we can all see it, it's got the face for the rotary dial.

Matt:

It's got little wheels on it Now. Have you run into this situation? I haven't myself.

Eric:

Yes, I used to work in childcare.

Matt:

Are you referring to when you were?

Eric:

and I believe the go on say it I believe, say it.

Matt:

I believe the proper term is karate man and I was a car when I was a karate man um when I was a karate man driving the karate bus oh, come on, it's the karate van and you would know it, the karate van uh, the karate 15 passenger van, I'll have you know I drove one too.

Eric:

It doesn't make you special it was a daycare and, and so we, we there were, and it was not only like we had like five and six year olds, but we also like during summer camps and stuff, and when parents would come to pick up their kids, they they bring like the litlins, the toddlers, like, uh, you know, would come with mom and dad, sure, and and and we had like a whole little little area for them to like play about. And we had, so we had so many busted ass fisher price toys that make no difference to a toddler. You hand a toddler a brand spanking new fisher price little phone and one we've had rattling around in the back for 15 years. They do not understand any difference. No, they will be just as delighted. But I was often offered the phone and and, and the one thought that always, like just immediately smashed me in the face was what do you think is happening right now?

Matt:

what do?

Eric:

you what it's like when you watch, when you watch like a chimpanzee, like like looking out at you with its sad chimpanzee eyes from the zoo and you're just like what are you thinking right now?

Matt:

Probably that I'd like to rip your face off in that circumstance.

Eric:

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Could not pay me enough money to be in the same room as a chimpanzee. No, they're crazy. No, they'll fucking murder you, and as they should. They're wild animals and they do not belong with us. But what do you?

Matt:

what? What do you think? What do you think Meaning the child? Yeah, what do I? What do you?

Eric:

think the child thinks is happening Because they, because clearly there's there's some like just to get past the whole, like, oh well, they're just imitating what they see other people do with it.

Matt:

Fuck off we know that, get out of here. Science.

Eric:

They're not. I've never done anything in my life where I was just like I'm just going to do like I felt, like I'm questioning, I'm wondering.

Matt:

I think that, while, yes, it's true that they're like imitating what they feel like they have seen and what they feel like they're supposed to be doing, I also think that the power, the raw power of imagination that is contained within the developing mind becomes foreign at a certain point to some, maybe most adults.

Eric:

Yes, we lose that, that the connection with the raw primal imaginarium.

Matt:

Yes, because what I think I see happening in those circumstances is somebody who obviously they're talking into the phone, they're not hearing anything back, but they are pretending in their head, they're imagining that there is a voice, and they have done that so well that they assume the same thing is going to happen when you pick up the phone. So I think when a toddler hands me the phone baby, we're at the improv now and I cannot let my scene partner down I'm saying you need to hear my government.

Matt:

You got a yes and that baby, you gotta be like oh, what's this, timmy? Oh, it's a call for me, huh okay, let's just how the hell did you get this number? How?

Eric:

did you find me?

Matt:

timmy. They found me and then throw the phone. I don't know how they found me.

Eric:

We got to get out of here, timmy that's good, that actually offers come child, that offers range to what I think is usually a pretty one note interaction that that kid's gonna get from everyone, because it's always gonna be hello yeah yeah, yes, oh I am here with like they're so happy. Fucking weak, fucking weak, do they think?

Matt:

matt and bootsy, if I'm just saying Bootsy, you asked the question. You have a child. If this happened to you, shame on you. You know better. You got an acting education girl. You have a degree in playing. Pretend I need you to answer that phone and be like oh, is it for me? The test results came back. Huh yeah, oh no.

Eric:

And you got to do it like in the movies.

Matt:

Don't say bye no, you can't say bye, you just gotta be like hang up realizing who this question came from.

Eric:

I, I imagine I, and knowing bootsy as a human being that kid is will never lack for imagine it bootsy never lost. No, no no bootsy never once laid down the sword that is her boundless imagination and wonder.

Matt:

No, she exactly. I was just going to say she very much has that childhood wonder.

Eric:

Yeah, that kid's going to be fine. Yeah, boundless imagination. But, matt, yes that that brings me that a theory is forming in my body. That brings me that a theory is forming in my body. You know, I just saw it. Like 99 of the time theater majors excluded when you're doing this bit with the kid, all the kid sees is you're picking up the phone, you're you could be like they don't understand a word want, want, want, want, want. And then, but then they see, oh, they see how like happy you are. Yeah, do they think it's the happy box? Do they think like, if they're, like, if, if they're having a bad time, do they just need the happy book?

Matt:

because every time they talk, every time they, they, they do this thing, suddenly they're super happy and that doesn't set up a child for success, because almost 100 of the time in this this the year of our Lord, 2025, when you are on the phone, if you are so unfortunate to find yourself on a telephone conversation, something's bad, bad Something's bad.

Eric:

Something's bad, you're calling about a prescription.

Matt:

You are being told negative news.

Eric:

Yeah, you, yeah, you are being told negative news. Yeah, you're, you're, you're, you're being addressed by someone who's pronouncing your name wrong, yeah, and, and they're referring to you as mr or mrs, and I'm like that. Nothing, nothing good comes of this, and that is why I feel like you need to have the.

Matt:

They need to know it's not the happy box that a range of emotions can be spurred on by what comes out of that box matt, I think we're missing our calling and that is I think we need.

Eric:

We need to start a children's theater that is just children handing us toy phones and we just do scenes and we react to them and we, we, we live in the present moment okay, let's try it, let's try it, okay. Uh, do you want a goo goo gaga, or shall?

Matt:

I I'll I'll start the initial goo, goo gaga, okay oh, what's hands what's?

Eric:

that, yeah, yeah, there's a bye. So, no, I'm ruined. Do you know what you've done to me? Do you know that you've made an enemy for life? I will find you and I will take everything you love and I slammed the phone down.

Matt:

Then you slam down, yeah, and then I teach the kid how to ruin somebody. Sure, absolutely like we, we're going full daniel plainview it seems a little dark, like a little mature, but okay it's like, uh, you know gotta, they gotta learn how to be an oil baron someday someday, someday all right, I'm gonna hit you with a goo.

Eric:

goo gaga. Okay, hit me with a goo goo gaga, I'll try. Three, two, one.

Matt:

Oh, what's this Great? Oh yeah, it's for me. Hello, yeah, oh yeah, this is Matt. Yes, yes, of course I know Mr Madoff. Yes, he's been my counting for years. Why what's happening?

Eric:

oh no, four years of acting school right, oh no eric, I'm.

Matt:

I am acting for a, an audience of one who has an underdeveloped brain, please. Yeah, this is great I know what.

Eric:

I'm doing. You're osmosising some mystery.

Matt:

Why you want it here. Okay, you take it, try it again.

Eric:

Okay, try it again.

Matt:

Okay, three, two, one.

Eric:

Oh, thank you, Matt. Matt, thank you so much for giving me the phone. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you, matt, you're welcome. Hello Matt. And then I turn staring at you because you're clearly like a skin changer or something. Oh yeah, it's like the thing, it's like the scene, when I realize how are you talking to this?

Eric:

Yeah, it's like when I, it's like the scene when I realize, like into this, yeah, I'm going to. That'll be the achievement of a lifetime when I can somehow convey with my body language and the tones of my voice, because they don't understand words yet, but when I can convey with those things, that I've picked up the phone and that the child who handed me the phone is on the other side that they understand that if I can get a child to understand that I can get, I can fuck, I fucking we'll.

Eric:

We'll knock out a bunch of them. I'll teach them about mortality. I'll teach you like we're like.

Matt:

This kid's gonna be set up for success when you say, knock out a bunch of them, I'll teach them about mortality. What exactly is the bunch of them?

Eric:

a bunch of mortality, that all of reality is like a consensus reality that can't be based on anything we would understand as objectivity, because objectivity does not exist. Interesting that kind of stuff, sure sure yeah Sounds good.

Matt:

I mean I think let's get you a child today. Let's not, You're not within your rights, I'm not within my rights.

Eric:

I'm also biologically incapable.

Matt:

Well, not biologically Well, not biologically, Well not biologically, physically, snip, snip.

Eric:

Talk to your doctor today.

Matt:

I mean, if you want to, if that is what you want, if that's what you want, if you want to be snipped and clipped, if you want, if you want, it's pretty great. I think we answered the question. Yeah, we nailed it, and I think that because we got to get into a major, major question that came across the desk we don't know where it came from, and by that I mean I wrote it down one day and it's perfect, eric. I think I I'm gonna say that what we have been charged with today, eric, what we are going to provide for the audience, is we you daft are going to solve the trolley problem, let's fucking go Two tracks.

Matt:

I think this calls for a daft investigation. Hit them with sound. Think this calls for a daft investigation. Hit them with sound Now, eric. Yeah, why don't you real quick, as a baseline for our audience, who may or may not understand what the trolley problem refers to hit us with the trolley problem.

Eric:

A track and there's a split in the track and one track has a single person laying on it tied up, they're bound, they can't move they can't leave.

Eric:

And then the other track has five people on it and the trolley is head currently, with the way the tracks are aligned is going to go down the split and run over five people. Yeah, you have the option. You are standing in front of a lever that, if you pull it, we'll switch the track to the other side and save those five people, but it will kill one person yeah, and I think the heart of the the problem is is it?

Matt:

is it the heart?

Eric:

of the problem is who the fuck is going around tying people up to train tracks.

Matt:

I feel like we don't talk about that and that's what we're going to get down to. But I I think what it's trying to say is is it preferable to let the trolley continue on its way, kill those five people, or do you sacrifice one for the greater good? But the other thing to keep in mind with the trolley problem is, of course, that the track is set for the five people. That's the default. So to save those five and only sacrifice one person, you must act and you must choose to kill the one person. And that is where people get a little emotional about this, this quandary. So to solve the trolley problem, it seems to me, requires us to find a way to save all six people. And how do we do that?

Eric:

Or kill all six people or kill all Like. That's what I'm, that's what I agree with, that I think it's like one way or the other, leave no job unfinished to that end.

Matt:

It seems like there's only two possible solutions. We can go down. Okay, you correct me if I'm wrong. You need to stop the trolley. Yes, I have.

Eric:

I have a pitch and I would love to hear it. The trolley pop problem traditionally posits asserts that it is a binary choice. Yes, not between one track or the other, but a binary choice of how you switch the tracks. Let me hit you with this. We're talking, okay, it's a trolley on train track on like tracks, and there's an old timey fucking track switcher. Here's what you do you line that motherfucker up so the trolley will derail. Now you might be thinking, but matt. You might be thinking, but Matt. But you might be thinking, but poach, what about the safety of the person driving the trolley? And here's where, here's what I would posit. Tell me a couple things. One, we're talking about a trolley operator who has been riding this trolley and definitely sees that there's a bunch of people tied to the tracks like 100, are we sure the trolley?

Eric:

is operated, the trolley's operated, the trolley's moving. There's got to be someone at the fucking wheel and that person has a responsibility. A to so like this is also positing that we're in a world where a trolley operator is driving a trolley that has no brakes. It's a trolley. It is a cart with some giddy up that is like the. It's not a. It's not the train problem. It's not like the bullet train problem. It's true, it is the trolley problem.

Eric:

So by derailing the trolley, and what I would do, I'd fucking move the switch those up and just point out like there you go, bud, you're going to derail. Then the trolley operator is faced with a terrible choice Do they stay on the trolley that's about to derail or do they I don't know jump the fuck off? It's going five miles an hour. They can stay on the trolley. It won't even it will derail in the most basic sense that it will no longer be on a rail. It's not gonna fucking destroy the town.

Matt:

Eric, I don't think that the track switcher is so loosey-goosey that it can be in between settings.

Eric:

It truly is oh, it happens all the time.

Matt:

I don't think it does, eric. I do not think it does, I'm gonna fucking all right fine, do some research.

Eric:

I'm gonna, I'm gonna do.

Matt:

So I'm gonna do my own research I think it's about fucking time if I'm being honest with you, because let's explore the other option, because let's say okay, let's say you can't just switch the thing and it will derail. I feel like the spirit of the question is insinuating that there's only enough time for you to pull the lever. You are walking along the trackside trail and you come to the track switcher. You happen to see these people all tied up, you see the trolley coming and you just, you just have enough time to pull the pull the thing.

Eric:

That's, you have enough time to make a. You have to make a split decision.

Matt:

It has to be a split second decision and, in that regard, how much time or in what way can we utilize this very small amount of time to save all these people? For example, something that jumps to mind switch the track, but do you have enough time to try to run and untie the one person? Because you can't untie all five people. No way, no, no way, but you might. You might be able to get that one person free.

Eric:

And that absolves you of murdering them if they do end up getting squished.

Matt:

No, if you fail, you're putting yourself in danger. Yeah, now, all of this is null and void if you, if the person in question is or has access to Spider-Man, in which case we all know that he can do a quick spider-man too, and and hold that train back, stop it and then and then all the people, when they get untied they'll pick him up and they'll carry like watch out. He's a hero. He's a hero. He's a hero. By the way, if you've met, you haven't. You must play the Spider-Man games for PS5.

Eric:

I need to because they look stupidly fun.

Matt:

They are stupidly fun. Do you get to stop any subways In two? In Spider-Man 2, there's an amazing little moment and I don't think this is spoiling anything, but they are underground and a train is coming and two, you're playing with both peter parker and miles morales and peter jumps in front of the train, gets on front of it. Does that? Yep, does the crucifixion and it breaks immediately and he just goes.

Eric:

Worked last time ah, nice, yeah, yeah nice.

Matt:

That's what I did too.

Eric:

I went nice, nice is that what he's gonna say when the trolley kills ah, we're last.

Matt:

Well, we're last time um wait.

Eric:

Okay, so back the fuck up. Sorry, I'm not allowed to live in a world where track switches can move halfway, which I googled it. They can't in this one. Um, that's neither here there, but you're allowed to posit spider-mans's.

Matt:

I just I said, if you happen to be Spider-Man, you have a built-in way out, or if Spider-Man's around, okay.

Eric:

If he's around, he's always in here. I'm tapping my heart. He's always in here.

Matt:

If you see him swinging by you can be like, hey, webhead, get down here, ah, okay.

Eric:

So how solve?

Matt:

You mean in the case that there's no Spider-Man around?

Eric:

Yeah, yeah, if there's no Spider-Man on hand. A Spider-Man in the hand is better than two in the bush, but we have neither Are we going with the idea that there's only enough time for like a split second decision. Or at least there's at least enough time because there a split second decision, or at least there's at least enough time because there's split second, which is like you're just suddenly dropped in the situation but like we'll say you, you have four full foreknowledge of what what's going to happen.

Matt:

You see the trolley coming, but this is not necessarily five feet in front of you and you have enough time to throw a switch, that is.

Eric:

that is like the amount of time you have to act, whatever, but you can do anything that you could do in the time it takes to throw a train track switch. I'm gonna look up how long that is, isn't it just? How long does it take to pull a train track switch? I think it's just the switch, my guy no, but the time it takes to pull a train track switch varies depending on the type of switch and the specific railroad. However, it generally takes around 30 seconds to two minutes. Really, yeah. So yeah, we've got some, we've got some. I think this is how we solved it. We actually looked up how long it takes to switch a fucking track. Okay.

Matt:

So all right If cause it's 30 seconds, I feel a whole hell of a lot better about trying to get that one person free.

Eric:

We'll we'll assume 30 seconds, We'll be we'll, we'll, we'll make this challenge. I think in 30 seconds you can untie somebody because that's what I'm saying.

Matt:

I think you can untie somebody or at least get in there Like do you have a knife on you? We don't know. We have to assume the answer is no.

Eric:

We have to assume that you are knifeless in this train. Trolley track ridden land, yeah, although.

Matt:

Although If we listened to our previous guest, becky, and we kept a knife on us, At all times. This is an argument.

Eric:

This is Becky. Thank you for being right, like you always are. Yes.

Matt:

Now. So I am on the Trolley Problem Wiki and I am trying to. There's a Trolley Problem Wiki. Okay, I'm on the Wikipedia page for the Trolley Problem. Okay, I was'm on the wikipedia page for the trolley.

Eric:

Okay, I was like is there a fandom wiki for the trolley problem? No, there's no fandom. Can we make one? Can we make the dumbest wiki?

Matt:

ever eric.

Eric:

There's not yet a daft wiki or even a wikipedia entry so I think it's even better if we make a trolley problem wiki before we even make our own wiki.

Matt:

We can't make our own wiki well no, no, that's just sad looks meaningfully at the camera uh, but, but, and there is a whole thing on criticism, but it's all basically all about how. Uh, the criticism is that the trolley problem doesn't really is too extreme and is unconnected to real life moral situations to be useful or educational.

Eric:

Yeah, I mean at the end of the day, that in and of itself is a solution to the trolley problem, because I study Buddhism.

Matt:

Now here's a question. What? Here's a question, before you get too deep down that rabbit hole. Yeah, do we know these six people on the down that rabbit hole? Yeah, do we know these six people on the train tracks? Honestly, if we know them, that makes it easier.

Eric:

Yeah, I think it's assumed they're strangers, because if you let me because then it just becomes a question of like well, do you only give a fuck if it's someone you know?

Matt:

exactly, and you get paralyzed by indecision, like hamlet or you don't, because, like, if there are five people tied to a track that I don't know and one person that I care about that is on the other side sorry, sorry, five people, you're probably gone and I'm just and also that's the way the train track is and I can lift my hands up and say I didn't interfere that's the way the train track is um.

Eric:

So I study buddhism. I I it's.

Matt:

It's an interest of mine, sure and and I have seen the white lotus season three, so I'm up to nice. Oh yeah, you're. We're basically like the same.

Eric:

I'm right there with you. But the the problem is like this is a lot of people will come to like buddhist communities and stuff and they'll be like well then, how do you solve the trolley problem with your worldview? And the overwhelming response is I don't know. When I find myself in that situation, then I'll make a decision.

Matt:

Well, guess what, my Buddha buddy, you found yourself in that situation. There you are. You are at the trolley crossroads, but I'm not, I've never in that situation. There you are?

Eric:

You are at the trolley crossroads, but I'm not. I've never. I've never in my life. Who's got? This brings me back to what snidely whiplash motherfucker is going around tying people to these tracks.

Matt:

Eric, we can worry about that investigation after we figure out how to solve these people.

Eric:

But what if he has the antidote to train track problems? The antidote, the assassin always carries the antidote about them, you don't? You don't think he would?

Matt:

tie those people if he didn't have a way to reverse it. Not, no, no, no, no, that's eric. You're thinking, eric? You've confused the trolley problem with poison.

Eric:

Ah, every time, every fucking time.

Matt:

That's poison. No, no, no.

Eric:

These people are physically to attract well, yeah, but he had to have put in like a back door. I'm, I'm approaching this like a hurt locker situation now where, like I'm, I'm, I'm the dude who voices, uh jeremy renner.

Matt:

Jeremy renner, I'm hawkeye. Right, I'm hawkeye and we're gonna say voices hawkeye as opposed to the rest of his physical body no, I confused jeremy renner and bradley cooper for a second.

Eric:

I was gonna say voices, rocket, raccoon. But I was like that's not brando, all that's wrong, all that's wrong. So when, hawkeye, when I'm like in my heart, when I'm like Hawkeye in my hurt locker and I'm like in the shit, I'm at the switch, I take off my train, defusing helmet and fucking the commander's coming on the phone, the toddler's handing me the phone, toddler's handing you a phone now.

Eric:

Toddler's, one of the people tied to the track and hands me the phone and it's like my commander and he's like. He's like you get. You put that. You put that. Stop regulation. You put this.

Matt:

I can't think, I can't think, I need to think.

Eric:

Shut up I throw the phone away. I throw the phone, I like look at the kid and I'm like I give him like one of those like winks, like no one's gonna die today, shoot him a look and that's. But like that's where I solve it. Is it like in that, like when the pressure?

Matt:

this is me describing by the way, this is what.

Eric:

ADHD does to any basic task. It turns it into the hurt locker.

Matt:

I was just going to say. Can I interrupt you for just a second, Just to inform you that not a single member of the audience was able to follow the garbledygook that just came out of your mouth.

Eric:

If you were able to follow the garbledygook that just came out of my mouth, go ahead, drop us a line call into the thought line. Matt, give him the number 410-929-5329.

Matt:

Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Eric:

Call in, just give me a little solidarity, like yeah, no, I got it, I'm with Poach Hashtag, I'm with Poach, then I'm sorry.

Matt:

I'm the weak-minded one of the two of us. Why don't you just give me the quick spark notes on how that solved the trolley problem?

Eric:

Matt, it doesn't, matt, just give me the spark notes here, my sweet, sweet boy.

Matt:

Just give me the spark notes, give me the cliff notes of it.

Eric:

Matt.

Matt:

I cannot. Ai summary it for me, my guy.

Eric:

I cannot create a symphony without the proper causes and conditions. What I'm merely setting up is that this is the situation in which inspiration will guide me to solve the trolley problem, and I'll just switch it over to one. I'll just kill one person. Like, at the end of the day, 're just gonna kill the one person yeah, I'm just gonna what if you know the one person, uh, whoa, whoa, now we're polluting the experiment. What, what's, what's this?

Matt:

I thought we had polluting they were strangers, polluting or evolving I see, okay, all right, fine, so you're saying, if it's five and one, and they're all strangers, but the problem is solved for you by killing the one person. We are abandoning the idea of not. What would you do in the trolley situation? We are abandoning the idea that there can be a solution where everybody wins. Is that what you're saying?

Eric:

Well, that depends Matt.

Matt:

On.

Eric:

You tell me how do we walk away from this?

Matt:

I've laid down several, several situations. Already. I mentioned the spider-man the spider.

Eric:

Okay, oh well, all right, all right all right hold on a gerbil de-gook man over here you're telling me that I ain't got my shit right. But busting out spider man, you spend 30 seconds saying absolutely nothing.

Matt:

I hate. Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show. What I'm saying is are we fighting right now? Yeah, I think so. Oh, thank god, I put. I put out the spider man proposal. I put out, I put out the. I put out the proposal of trying to untie the person. And maybe you fail. But there's no way you can untie five people in the time. You can maybe untie the one spider-man could do it in that circumstance.

Eric:

Obviously spider-man's not around in that circumstance, nothing bad ever happens, because it's a world where Spider-Man exists.

Matt:

Eric, there's so much bad stuff that exists in a world with Spider-Man, that's his whole purpose. Matt, let me evolve it for you, all right? Fine, evolve it for me. And let me just say, before you evolve it, I don't like your attitude.

Eric:

Note taken. I thank you. I'm absorbing that feedback, thank you be a sponge bitch five strangers on one track yeah spider-man on the other well, you said spider-man, so there it's.

Matt:

It's both spider-man and miles morales's spider-man, or?

Eric:

no, no, no, it's just the one spider. No, no, spider verse. No, spider verse is off the table. It is this continuity spider-man, it's. It's earth. 616 is spider-man and he is. He is tied to the track and it's five strangers tied to the other. And matt let me add another layer of this to you it is already heading towards spider-man.

Matt:

Oh, oh, it's already heading towards Spider-Man, so Matt what do you do in this?

Eric:

And he's tied up in anti-Doc Ock's got like these anti-Spider-Man ropes Sure, sure, sure, he's not getting out of there. Yeah, snidely Octopus has got him.

Matt:

Well, first of all, Spider-Man would tell me to sacrifice him.

Eric:

Of course he would, I feel very confident. But now, but now, matt, the five people on the other side are saying no, matt, the world needs spider-man, kill us, and but spider-man is like?

Matt:

and one of them is a toddler and one of them's toddler who's trying to hand me a phone.

Eric:

I was trying desperately trying to hand you the phone. It's it's. It's the president. He's like he's pardoning you. I was desperately trying to hand you the phone. It's the president. He's pardoning you from your stay of execution. You're going to live because they're definitely going to put you in the chair. If you kill Spider-Man or these five people, the indemnity cannot be understated Real quick.

Matt:

Yeah, it's just now occurring to me that you introduced spider-man into a philosophical debate we're sitting here we're talking about I got spider-man on one side, I got these five people telling me to kill them yeah, they're begging for it, even the toddler on the other side, I'm paralyzed by indecision, and this indecision, as I'm standing here on the minefield of this philosophical train track, this epistological minefield. I go back to how much time do we have? But what that's really asking, and because we said at least 30 seconds, right, that's what we're assuming.

Matt:

Let's call it 30 seconds, and that is in trolley time. That's an eternity, do we? My thought went. Do I have enough time to get into the trolley problem, implying that the trolley is either driverless or that the driver is maniacally heading towards killing these five people? Or in your circumstance Spider-Man, in which case I assume the driver is some sort of supervillain.

Eric:

Most likely it's Trolley man. He didn't take off, that's, that's my whole thing, because I'm like, look, if you're gonna force me to be in a in a in a in a reality where I could find myself in this situation, I'm not gonna. I refuse to buy like, oh, but no one's driving the trolley. No, someone's driving that trolley with intent. A trolley has brakes, exactly, trolley's got brakes.

Matt:

That's my point.

Eric:

I think the weaker among us would like us to assume it's driverless, but that, like you, cannot ignore the human element. There's someone behind the wheel of that trolley who knows what's happening and is refusing to either cannot brake, which why? Yeah, it's a trolley.

Matt:

You could probably get out and stop it by, like fucking pushing hard enough, or I think you really undersell the engineering of a trolley man, I could kick the shit out of a trolley, you don't beat a trolley's ass. You see, a fucking trolley come out for our san franciscan uh listeners please wait the shit out of your public transportation way in on the trolley, and whether or not a single human man could quote unquote kick the shit out of a trolley.

Eric:

This is what I need on the t-shirt. I'm gonna quote I'm gonna beat the shit out of your public transportation and you can quote me on that. Eric, put it in the merch store. 20 off if you give four dollars a month to our patreon anti, anti public transportation.

Matt:

Eric famously transportist.

Eric:

Eric transport transportist sounds like I'm the guy that decides who who gets sent to australia, instead of getting hanged at the bailey, that's. That's for anyone who lives in england or reads books um so okay, so 30 seconds.

Matt:

There's a decision to make. There's a decision. The easy decision is do we kill spider-man? Do we do we kill spider-man or the other persons, or including a toddler? Do we try to get into the trolley and stop the hijacker?

Eric:

I think we, we get into the trolley because one of two things one, it's being driven by someone who is incapable of stopping it. Yeah, in which case, we tried something, we tried, we tried fucking something without that did not involve our first thought going to deciding who lives and who dies. Now, we tried to fight the system and I think that matters.

Matt:

We tried to well, you tried to do the right thing, you tried to bring a maniac to justice. But what I'm realizing, eric, while you were answering that question that I posed to you, something else hit my brain. What If we only have 30 seconds and we're running towards a trolley that is coming toward us? We're barely going to have any time for the fight, let alone for the wheels to go and come to a complete stop. It's just not going to work. It's just not enough time Now, matt. So that means we can't get in the trolley. To stop the trolley of its own means. We need to introduce a wall, we need to drive a pickup truck or some other sort of thing, or maybe I don't know switch the tracks over, so it's only halfway, so the train derails.

Matt:

I thought you looked it up and you said it couldn't be done. Science said no, can you jam open the tracks with a rock?

Eric:

I think 30 seconds is enough time to find a rock and wedge it in such a way that when you go to switch the track it doesn't switch all the way over.

Matt:

Do we know how close the people are to the track switcher? Because if they're too close there runs the possibility of the runaway train kind of killing everybody, including us.

Eric:

I think in my mind I've always imagined it. You know, like the tracks diverge. It's like a big, it's like a Y, and then the tracks have to straighten again. I think the people are where it straightens again. They have to be like that far, so it's like a 100%. I think that's yeah. I think that's to avoid any sort of close call indemnity on our part.

Matt:

So in your mind. Then you get it halfway. You wedged it with a rock, that is just so, and the trolley derails and it goes perfectly in between these two people.

Eric:

It probably won't go perfectly, but at that point I don't see how. At that point, it's in Daddy God's hands. At that point, my slate is clean. Okay, well, at that point, it's in daddy god's hands. At that point, my slate is clean. Okay, well, at that point, if, if. At that point matt, if, after, if, within 30 seconds of become like just having become aware of this problem, having formulated the part, I was like oh like, looking around, like, fucking, like, like rdj, fucking sher. They're like oh no, grab the rock, place in the track, pull track kind of halfway Sure Um after all of that, if I've done all that, I think two big words come to mind.

Eric:

Matt, know what they are due diligence. I've done it, I've done it, eric?

Matt:

I think perhaps. We have.

Eric:

I've exerted far more effort than any smug motherfucker did when they pulled the switch track. I'm like no, sorry, I have eyes and ears and hands and a brain and a fucking heart. I'm like all or nothing, baby. All or nothing.

Matt:

I think you are very wise and I think, as TS Eliot put it, we have truly arrived at the end of our exploring and have known the place for the first time, which is to say, your original idea might have been the best. Thank you, might have been the best.

Eric:

Thank you.

Matt:

It might have been the best, but you did tell me it wasn't possible and I do feel like you have very much discounted my try to free the person on the solo side. And I don't even have to get into how derogatorily you spoke about my Spider-Man theory. I don't even need to address that, do I?

Eric:

No, matt. New trolley problem On the one track is Aunt May, on the other track is Uncle Ben. Oh no, now Matt. Oh yeah, matt, now Matt. It is already going at Aunt May. Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. I made it too easy for you, the train is already going at Aunt May.

Eric:

Okay, no, no, no, no, no, no. I made it too easy for you. The train is already going at Uncle Ben. Yeah, done Easy. Sure, it is not going at Aunt May. Yeah, now here's the thing If it runs over Uncle Ben, we get Spider-Man, yeah, but if you switch it to Aunt May, we do not get Spider-Man.

Eric:

So you're implying that spider-man didn't love aunt may enough that to become a superhero no, it's just that, like as has been demonstrated in the spider-verse, uncle ben dying, he's like a fixed point in time yes, I was gonna say you're fucking you're fucking with the, the sacred timeline yeah, I was gonna let him die.

Matt:

This is not actually a problem. You have to kill uncle ben. He dies in all continuities, so he must die. He has to die. I'm sorry, uncle ben no, okay, we solved it. Just kill uncle ben. Yeah, no, that's the easy one.

Eric:

Uncle ben must die honestly, yeah, no, I think wait that that. There it is, you've nailed it, so we we've, we. That's the key. We just have to make sure that uncle ben dies and Spider-Man can come in and save everybody there you go. We solved it.

Matt:

I thought we already solved it, but sure, we solved it again.

Eric:

We solved it better, good, better, best solved the question, so nice, we solved it twice.

Matt:

Thank you for the question myself, and I think we can close the books on whatever it is that that was this Play the music. All right, well, with the, with this, with the trolley problem officially behind us, because and again, I do think our official answer was rock jam, the thing it goes perfectly in between done, flawless solution, flawless solution, and I'm sure you all are grateful for it.

Eric:

Call the thought line. Let us know how right we were.

Matt:

All right. With all that said, it is now time for Google gripes. We're here in season five, round one, part two. We're here in season five, round one, part two. And if you're new to the show, again, as I always say with this disclaimer, what an episode to have chosen, yes. So with the trolley problem solved, we move on to this lighthearted game called Google Gripes, where we tell each other one star Google reviews, they're real. One star Google reviews and the other person guesses. We did three seasons of well-known places and now we've done.

Eric:

We're on our second season of well-known movies so I'm gonna read off matt a bunch of a bunch of one-star movie reviews. I got three movies here for you and you're gonna guess and where you came in.

Matt:

Right now the live score, the live table, is two out of three is what you got in the first one, so ain't bad. Two out of three, ain't bad.

Eric:

Two is my number to hit or beat for the two out of three ain't bad, just like the number of people saved in a trolley problem. There you go. Are you prepared?

Matt:

what would sully do in the trolley problem?

Eric:

we can't go back. Wait which sully monsters anchor x files sully sullenberger eric.

Matt:

Sully miracle in the hudson sully sully tom hanks sully if he says sully and sully if he says it enough times I might have seen. I've never seen miracle in the hudson miracle in the hudson's a real life fucking event eric an airplane landed, no casualties, in the middle of the hudson river the plane, okay, okay.

Eric:

Now see if you'd opened with hey remember like 80 years ago in a plane. Oh, I'm sorry.

Matt:

I thought everyone knew who American hero Sully Sullenberger was, so fuck me.

Eric:

I guess You're out here coming at me with just saying Sully. Over and over again, I'm like which, sully? And then you're like tom hanks, I'm like what the fuck are you talking about?

Matt:

all right, eric. All right, I can't. I can't eric, I can't with you give me these reviews.

Eric:

I can and I will. All right, I love you.

Matt:

I love you too I love you so much, against my will first movie, thank you.

Eric:

First review, thank god. All caps spoilers ahead. Pure baloney, if you ask me. Apparently that's spoiler. I don't know why everyone thinks this is such a romantic story. Blank literally tried jumping off the blank and then blank took her to the edge of the blank for that ridiculous scene everyone loves so much. What if she jumped off like she tried earlier? To make matters worse, the two made a cross symbol and I thought this movie was free of religious messages. Just goes to show everything's political nowadays. I do not recommend watching this trashy flop of a movie okay, I have a you might interesting guess okay.

Eric:

Do you want to take it? Do you want to risk it all? No, no you want to play your shot in the dark.

Matt:

Uh, no, I would like you.

Eric:

I would like you to go ahead and continue okay go ahead and continue I and remember we start easy and then it gets harder. Oh yeah sure sure, absolutely second review. This must be the most overrated film in human history. Too long, too dramatic, overrated and boring until the thing happens. The awful theme song A Bored Housewife's Favorite is simply dreadful, to the point where I would love to meet famous musician and give her a good slap over it. Some scenes are good, but thankfully I didn't have to pay to watch it, or I would have wanted my money back.

Matt:

Oh sure, yeah. Oh, what? Could it be long-term listeners who already know?

Eric:

my suspicion continue look, sometimes you gotta hand him a gimme. This film is too boring. I hate the story because this is fiction and a strong parietal guidance and copied other film and so many like ew. And now this film is one of my hate films and movie is not about love, is about tragedy. And now I like other film than this film and there are no blank and blank in blank.

Matt:

Too many kissing and naked ew okay, um, I have a guess okay um, my guess is you didn't check the spreadsheet of movies we've already done on this show was it on there.

Eric:

I looked at it, I consulted it. Hold on, I'm gonna be so fucking mad.

Matt:

Just give it a look, just give it a look and see if your heart will go on after that.

Eric:

Oh you, mother oh, you're highlighting son of a bitch.

Matt:

Well, I deserve this titanic eric it's titanic is this fuck, I even I look at it because we're keeping it, we're keeping it.

Eric:

I, I knew the rules going in and I and I failed. And here's the fucked up thing. I checked this thing fucking twice because I was like, I was like we had to have done titanic. I'm looking, I'm looking all the way like we had to have done. I was like, oh, we didn't fucking easy the adhd tax hold on a second, so I'm just looking at home alone.

Matt:

Good, bad ugly ring. That was you jurassic park shrek gone with the wind that was me, okay, so it was me giving it to you, thank god, but for a hot second.

Eric:

I was like did he hold on twice? Let me just gather up my dignity yeah, um, but no, the good news is now if you win by one point, it's just because I fucked up and I can take solace in that.

Matt:

I would, I'd put it to you another way, eric. I would say now we, in that circumstance, we would be even for your asterisk in season.

Eric:

So now my win is legitimized.

Matt:

Yes.

Eric:

If I win, yes.

Matt:

Damn it If I win by one. I hate, if I win by two, which I intend to. I don't even like movies. I hate if I win by two, which I intend to, I don't even like movies, I hate movies. I don't think that's wrong. Movies are this.

Eric:

Let's move on to movie number two. I'm flipping off the screen. Let's move on to movie number two.

Matt:

All right, all right. I can't wait to see which film we've already done.

Eric:

I got to fucking check the fucking thing. Now I'm never going to be able to trust my eyes.

Matt:

Damn my eyes um okay, we're good. I even made eric, I gotta say, before this. It's such a good spreadsheet. I even made sure to add the three movies I did in round one for yes you did and you needed to. I'm gonna, since I'm in the spreadsheet.

Eric:

Titanic again, uh, okay, great I'm gonna make it my tradition now. Each year I'm gonna try to work in titanic. Eventually it becomes a bluff. Is he describing titanic or is he doing that other movie about a boat sink? You're playing the game within the game. Now where it's it's. It's a new generation of survivor, that's right. We knew where the the we got. We have to evolve to the meta. That's right, all right. Second movie god damn it hold on.

Matt:

I hear an ice cream truck I know, dude, it's killing me.

Eric:

I want ice cream. So bad.

Matt:

Oh, it's on your end oh, it's on my end, dog oh, fuck oh man, I thought I was gonna have to say excuse me, eric, I have to go the the mat signal is lit, do you get?

Eric:

an ice cream truck through your neighborhood? No, we have not yet, and we should. We've got children. We have children around've got children.

Matt:

We have children. We have children around. We got the little yellow guy out front. We got them tied down to the trolley tracks out back. We got them tied down in the tracks where they belong.

Eric:

So movie two. Movie two, review number one. You know I've never watched movie and people always find it surprising, but the reason is quite simple. When the movie came out, I was very young and my family couldn't afford to go to the movies. Often by the time I was old enough to watch it on my own. I just never got around to it. It's not that I don't want to watch it, it's just that I've never felt the urge to do so. I do know that it's a beloved classic and maybe someday I'll sit down and finally give it a watch, but for now it remains one of those pop culture blind spots that people can't believe I haven't experienced yet. So let's just back that up. It is a one-star google review where the person is acknowledging fully that they have never seen this movie yeah, that I'm.

Matt:

I'm gonna be honest with you. I don't see a whole lot of hints in that one, but let's's go.

Eric:

It's beloved and famous enough that someone felt the need to leave a one-star review where they said never seen it.

Matt:

That's the only thing that I got out of it is that it is, in fact, a well-known movie.

Eric:

We're ramping up the difficulty. Second review Okay, inappropriate for children. This movie got my kids thinking about death. Every night I wake up to my kids screaming the blanks are coming to get me or, sorry, let me rephrase the blanks are coming to eat me. My five-year-old son moved his bed into his closet and locked the door and we couldn't unlock it because he hid the key and we had to bring in a chainsaw to open the door.

Matt:

What the?

Eric:

fuck, do not let your kids see this. It is inappropriate, it is illegal, it is violent. I'd rather die than let my kids watch this Mass care.

Matt:

Did they lock the door to a panic room? What do you mean? You had to use a chainsaw.

Eric:

I don't write the reviews, man, I just deliver them I.

Matt:

I am worried about that child's well-being.

Eric:

You could have taken the doorknob off first and and matt, you're about to learn why, uh, that first review was allowed to be here, because here's review number three. Oh good, this movie is so overrated. First of all, the protagonists are easily one of the worst. Let's take that again. I just wanted you all to hear that, first of all, the protagonists are easily one of the worst. We've got Blank, who is a jealous wreck. Blank who thinks he's perfect but really isn't. He just can't learn a lesson. Mr Blank is an arrogant blank that thinks he's perfect. Like Blank In this movie we spend way too much time at Blank's house, plus, the human designs of the humans look awful. Blank and Blank all look like robots to me. I just don't the any of these characters Parentheticals, except for Blank and Blank. All look like robots to me. I just don't the any of these characters Parentheticals, except for Blank and Blank.

Eric:

There are only two good scenes in this stupid, overrated movie. One is when Blank realizes he is not a stupid Blank because after this scene is finally not my least favorite character in the entire cinema and secondly, the scene where blank and blank have that conversation. Only two good scenes in this God awful movie. It is a miracle that two is my 10th favorite movie of all time, and three is my second favorite movie of all time because the series got 100 times better than this god-awful movie.

Eric:

I am so sorry to the people that love this movie so much, because if you like this movie because if you like this movie, they wrote it twice you won't enjoy any other. It is a pain because you have to watch this movie and I hope I have the power to change the Rotten Tomatoes because it does not deserve it one billion years. Go watch two and three after you have watched this one. It is so much better than this god-awful movie. This movie is a one out of ten and it is my fourth least favorite studio movie. Don't watch this movie because the characters are so bad. See ya, okay, I could have presented just this and that is worth three reviews. You got, like that, six reviews.

Matt:

That was good. I do have a guess it doesn't fit perfectly, because that second review talking about the kids being scared something's coming to eat them I'm having trouble getting that to jive with my theory. But the third review solidified a candidate that I had already thought of, so I'm going to go with that and if I'm wrong, I'm wrong. Okay, I'm going to say Toy Story.

Eric:

Is that your final answer? Final, it's my final answer baby it's toy story well then, matt, yeah, you got a friend in me, hey yeah, it is.

Matt:

What was he? What's the kid afraid? It's gonna eat him uh the toys he was afraid I'm afraid the toys the, my toys are gonna eat me probably, because after the, the scene where they psychologically tortured sid I, I thought it could be that, or, or the little aliens and the claw machine kind of thing, what? Yeah, but but I now I know that it's just a scared child and which you know is irrelevant to the movie.

Eric:

But here's the, here's the extra layer fucked up. If a kid's worried that his toys are gonna eat him, that means his toys would have good reason to want to harm him. Yeah, because he's Sid, that kid. He's a Sid.

Matt:

He's a Sid. All right, all right. Review number three I have matched you two for three with an asterisk, but let's continue, all right, I mean not really an asterisk, really, you chose the movie. I mean not really an asterisk, really, you chose the movie. Yeah, movie three. Movie three Review number one. Review number one.

Eric:

It's the best suitable movie for people who say, quote my body is made out of steel and when I got hit with a stick, go crying back to home.

Eric:

My body is made of steel Sorry, my body is made out of steel. And when got hit with a stick, go crying back to home. Okay, review number two If you're under 18, I wouldn't encourage you to watch it because it's full of gory scenes and bad stuff. My rate of this movie is 1.5 out of 10 because it doesn't have a sense of humor. And why would it be written that it is very fun for 12 plus guys to watch?

Matt:

Okay, is that implying age 12 plus or 12 plus men in a room?

Eric:

I enjoy 12 plus men. You've got 15 buddies. Let's just go Dean swinging dicks, getting together for a film.

Matt:

Plus man, if you've got 15 buddies, let's fucking go. 15 swinging dicks getting together for a film.

Eric:

Oh man, we trying to make a Frankenstein. Look at all these fellas hanging brain. Review number three Heard about this one and decided to give it a try. In short, sequel was a lot better. While the time stuff was cool, this film just didn't do it for me. A lot of outdated tech and the villain was not that threatening. Those are your reviews.

Matt:

Hmm, yeah, this is tough. I think I know what you've done. I think I know at least what you're trying to get me to, what you're trying to get me to guess, maybe so there's a sequel, there's time travel involved, there's an obvious candidate that has come to the forefront, and I'm trying to think if there's anything else that could potentially take its place. Maybe I'm shooting from the hip a little bit, I'm just going to go with it Back to the future.

Eric:

That is your final answer? That's my final answer. It is not Okay. Back to the future, and here's the funny thing about how our brains work. I was like, oh, he's got it, he's going to say it. Here it comes.

Matt:

But say it, here it comes, but okay. So I thought you might have selected the these reviews in the hopes of putting me off the scent and putting me on the scent of back to the future when it's wrong. Is that what?

Eric:

I did not, oh, I did not.

Matt:

I gave you too much credit.

Eric:

Again, you gave me, I, I, as you were saying. I was like, ladies and gentlemen, matt is now going to give me way too much credit and so I have yes all right, what is? Uh, it is the terminator. It is the terminator. My body is made out of steel and get hit with stick.

Matt:

Okay, that makes sense, that makes sense. Yes, Very violent oh yes, the one review did say violent.

Eric:

Gore and violence. The time stuff, okay, all right.

Matt:

I made it hard, you made it hard and you did well, and I'm proud of you. And here we are, even Steven, baby Two, three, two. Even Steven. Couple of twos, couple of twos out there?

Eric:

Just a couple of twos. Looking for a three? Just a couple of twos looking for a three.

Matt:

So as is often the case with Google Gripes, the first round is essentially meaningless, and we will go on.

Eric:

Yes, it is, and once again we're at a complete wash.

Matt:

And once again we're all even heading into round two. We'll take an episode off here and come on back with round two. Yeah, In a little bit.

Eric:

But for the time being.

Matt:

I do think that'll about do it for this week's episode of you Didn't Ask For this. Now, real quick, I want to offer a little bit of business. We do need your questions. Give them the business. We do need your questions and we need you to submit them to us at youdidntaskforthis at gmailcom. That's all spelled out, or the letter U didn't ask pod. That's on our Instagram, our our blue sky handle, our YouTube handle, et cetera, et cetera. You can reach us there. You can send us a message on our discord. How do we get to the discord, eric?

Eric:

you get to the discord by subscribing to the. You didn't ask for this. Patreon, search Patreon. You didn't ask for this. Click on the page and you have two donation options. That's right, two donation options. For $1 a month you get access to the Yadaft Discord Workshopping Yadaft Discord. I'm gonna see if that sticks.

Matt:

Sure, I'm just gonna see if I can organically make that happen, and while you're making things happen, you don't need to search for things. You can go to patreoncom slash.

Eric:

you didn't ask for this uh for four dollars a month, four times as measly four times as measly, yet still less than a latte in this economy, in this economy. Tell them what that gets you access to the discord, access to monthly bonus content, which we lovingly call oops, all tangents. Thank you, matt. And last, certainly not least, not least, bitch, that's my hype man. Give it up for him, ladies. Give it up for my man. You get 20 off. 20, you daft merchandise. That's a hefty discount that's a fucking heavy.

Eric:

That is. That is one fifth, and that is that you, you were. You were getting a discount of one saved human from the trolley problem.

Matt:

Let's see your Kohl's cash get you that.

Eric:

It won't, it won't, it simply will not, it simply will not get you those types of rewards we do accept Kohl's cash. We do not.

Matt:

We do not accept that at the store. No, but you can you can ask for the shop and you get yourself a mug, you get yourself a magnet, you get yourself a nice hoodie or sweater or shirt or any of the number of things we got there. Go buy it, but you cannot use Kohl's cash.

Eric:

Folks, I just want to squash any rumors. You may have heard that we are accepting Kohl's cash. Folks, I just want to. I want to squash any rumors you may have heard that we are accepting Kohl's cash on this podcast. We are a Kohl's cash free podcast.

Matt:

Unless, of course, kohl's you want to sponsor us. In which case I will gladly do Eric real quick, do a, do a quick test spot for Kohl's. Don't think about it, Let it happen.

Eric:

No, matt, you know what my favorite thing about pants are. Tell me when they fucking fit. Shop at Kohl's today. It is, to date, the most consistent place I can find pants in my size.

Matt:

It has never changed Kohl's, I feel like.

Eric:

We love it. I feel like we, we, we love it. And if, if you're listening to this and thinking, oh no, but what about all these coals controversies? Please call us on the thought line and tell us your coals conspiracy theories.

Matt:

I do not want to hear them.

Eric:

I do love coals there is so little that Matt can cling to in these uncertain times.

Matt:

I don't love coals, but I do find them reliable.

Eric:

Matt much, much like, much like the fossil fuel industry just cannot let go of coal. I can't, simply cannot Simply Thank you so much, Eric, for teeing me up. Subscribe to Patreon today.

Matt:

I'll do my. I'll do my quick coals promo too. Thank you so much, eric, for teeing me up. Subscribe to patreon today. I'll do my. I'll do my quick uh coles promo too. Thank you so much for the invitation. Oh yeah, do it up, man coles.

Eric:

If you need khakis sneakers and a snow globe of the coca-cola polar bears, come to coles coles, if you want to shop for knickknacks and you never want them to be in the same place.

Matt:

Kohl's. If you have an Amazon return, come to Kohl's, Also in stock now. Bose speakers, for some reason.

Eric:

Do you like your return policies to be a sort of I don know handshake agreement?

Matt:

coals, coals. Would you like to spend an inordinate amount, an inordinate amount of time checking out because, for some reason, there is seemingly nobody available to work the registers? Then come to coals co Coles, go anywhere.

Eric:

It's everywhere. Don't ask us where it is.

Matt:

It's around Coles, fuck receipts. Receipts, are this? Two middle fingers? Did we mention we also have diamond rings, because we do.

Eric:

Coles. The belt I'm wearing is from there okay, that's enough for you. I think coles, I think coles will be calling us real soon any minute, coles now we now we sell health insurance, not to our employees, though. Kohl's we have a monitor for you to check on your 401k.

Matt:

Also, we sell drones. We don't know why, either Kohl's give us power of attorney and, by the way, we do have suit separates don't worry, we don't.

Eric:

We always have and always will. That's the coles promise.

Matt:

Coles will always have the suit separate coles will always be able to provide you with a three-piece suit that costs 70 dollars coles, do you want to buy a candle dubiously made of wax? Dubiously made of wax.

Matt:

I can't believe we put the funniest shit in the last five minutes. You got to, you got to work for it. You know what? From all of us here. I already gave the thought line earlier, but it's 410-929-5329. And, as I was saying, for all of us here, you didn't ask for this. My name's Matt Shea, my name's Eric Poach and listen, you didn't ask. But Kohl's.

Eric:

Kohl's. It's what's for dinner.

Matt:

Kohl's.

Eric:

Kohl's what's for dinner? Coals coals now serving steak coals. You could buy pineapple steak and pineapple baby.

Matt:

That's what we got, remember full size laffy taffy, we got it. We got it straight from 2002. You want to?

Eric:

build your own sour powder tube from 10 years ago.

Matt:

We got you, kohl's. Did we mention we have bedding as well? Kohl's, would you like a Sanka? Kohl's, we have a haunted lingerie department.

Eric:

Kohl's, their demands are simple Give them what they ask.

Matt:

Kohl's Do not, die for us Kohl's do not die for us Kohl's.

Eric:

we could all just walk away.

Matt:

Kohl's. We can all go home tonight, Kohl's. No one has to die tonight. Take the diamond rings from Kohl's. Please Take them.

Eric:

Take them on this trolley. No, oh no, the trolley has come through the coals, coals no, getting off this trolley, thousands dead.

Matt:

As runaway trolley who crashes into coals, thousands dead there's so many's, so many quote, quote from the authorities.

Eric:

Why, why didn't we just start untying people from the tracks?

Matt:

there were so many people at the blowout side goals, goals, oh, they're all dead oh.