142 | F-ck Boy Out, Farm Boy In

This week we tackle a 'compound question' from the Discord. A three-part adventure, if you will. Can a Vampire Policeman enter my house if they have a warrant? If you had to set a trap for your co-host, what would you use as bait to guarantee they fall for it? And can the plot leading up to the vampire becoming a policeman and what the warrant is for be explained, as well as the preceding situation leading up to needing a co-host trap? 

Then Eric has a special closing segment for Matt as he departs for his sabbatical.

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Transcript

Baby Zone And Matt’s Sabbatical

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Uh sorry. Just let me let me just close up the suitcase here. I'm just trying to get in the buckle. Matt, what's just trying to get the zip in the clothes?

Eric 0:10

Oh yeah. You look like you're preparing. You look like you're ready to flee. Why?

Matt 0:16

You're saying that because of my bindle stick I got above my hand? Saying that because of my gunny sack I've got at my side as I carry my meagle belongings.

Eric 0:28

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a soldier heading off to fight in the trenches.

SPEAKER_02 0:35

Yeah, I think uh it's uh about time I start hitting the old dusty trail here.

Eric 0:42

Matsche going off grid. It's about time I bid these headphones ado. Oh, yeah. You're you're about to lay down the proverbial sword.

Matt 0:52

I'm gonna lay down the mic at least for just a little bit. Just a little bit.

Eric 0:59

You know I can't resist talking into a microphone for too long. No, no, no. But yeah, you're about to, you are, you're in it. We're in it. You and Lindsay are official, you and Dr. Lindsay Arbar, PhD, are officially in it. We are in the zone.

Matt 1:14

We are we're not talking about auto zone. There is a no, we are not talking about auto zone. We're talking about baby zone.

SPEAKER_02 1:19

Baby zone.

Matt 1:20

There is a non-zero chance this episode gets interrupted by labor. And that isn't a bit. That that is where we're at, right now. That's where we're at. We uh this is this will officially be the uh the the last one we try to squeeze in before um something gets squeezed out before I take a little sabbatical. Uh and uh yeah. Do you uh but Eric will still be here. We're still gonna keep on rocking. Oh yeah, kids, you can't get rid of me. We're gonna have uh some uh some uh episodes with a guest host. Do you wanna do you wanna reveal the guest host?

Eric 2:00

Yeah, no, I I actually am thrilled to announce.

Matt 2:03

We talked to their people, we you know we we got them signed, sealed on the contract.

Eric 2:08

You know, me and Matt are just so happy to announce that it's a co-host. It's a co-host. It's Zach Deuce. It's Zach indeed, the the interim co-host with me. Yes, it's it's gonna be a grand old time. Yeah, Zach has very graciously um lent his unfathomable fucking talent and voice to this podcast while Matt is is is out becoming a father.

Matt 2:36

I know, I know. It's it's a wild thing to think about. And I'm sure we'll probably get a best of in there for you.

Eric 2:44

Oh, we'll squeeze in some squeeze in some because you know they're gonna go through with withdrawal.

SPEAKER_02 2:49

They're like, oh, where's Matt?

Eric 2:51

They're gonna they're gonna be like flipping the fuck out on our socials.

Matt 2:56

Uh but I may make a cameo appearance or two because I'm still gonna edit the uh the episodes. At least I intend to. I mean, we might see. Yeah, he's gonna hear everything we say. I'm gonna hear everything you say.

Eric 3:06

Editor Matt might still make an appearance. You don't know. Folks, especially those in the Discord, we encourage you while Matt is out. Please inundate us with our questions that you can't ask when Matt's in the room. Oh, great. Dad's leaving the room. Oh, great. Dad's out of the room. Love this. Yeah. Didn't talk about this.

Matt 3:24

Oh, yeah. This is gonna be great. Oh man, I am nervous about handing any editorial control over to you. Welcome to the boom-boom-boom-boom-boom baby zone.

Eric 3:41

Uh yeah, so you're the funny, so so you have all of your like your shit, you're you're ready to flee at a moment's notice.

Matt 3:50

We uh, you know, there are some things that we would love we would love to have this weekend to finish a couple things off, but uh, but yeah, the the hospital bags are by the door. Yeah, that's where we are at. There's a selection of things that uh like clothes and such that we have just put in the those bags that just aren't gonna be worn until we go to the hospital.

Eric 4:14

Now, Matt, I'm gonna ask the question on everybody's minds what is that rushing to the hospital playlist?

Matt 4:24

Two minutes to midnight. You know, we haven't we haven't given it too much thought. I will say we're very lucky the hospital is about five minutes away in traffic.

Eric 4:34

Uh okay. So yeah, it is quite literally down the street. So now my question becomes you have to pick one song. You have one song to get to the hospital. What is that song? Oh man, there's there's push it to the limit. Nice.

Matt 4:49

I mean, push it.

SPEAKER_02 4:51

Oh, push it. Push it alone.

Matt 4:53

It's a little too on the nose, isn't it? To have salt and peppa come in. It's a little, it's a little too obvious. I feel like it should be something a little like uh, I don't know, like I don't know why. I have no idea why this came to mind. Come sail away.

Eric 5:18

Um sailing away.

Matt 5:21

Yeah, I don't know why. That's inappropriate in many ways, very inappropriate.

unknown 5:26

Night Mary.

Eric 5:27

Yeah, I got you, baby. Hold on. My daughter's being imputent. You are a willful child. You are a willful child, and I love you so much. I'm talking about Matt becoming a father.

SPEAKER_01 5:40

Yeah, not to a goddamn cat, I'll tell you that.

Eric 5:42

With your with your with your your fucking way I'd tolerate that for me. I loved you and you were precious. So sailing away, yes. Let's come say um also let's give a shout out to um Sail Away by Enya. Sure. Maybe um maybe a nice uh well, there's any number of the bay anything with baby, that feels too like yeah, it it's too on the it needs to it needs to convey the sense of beauty and majesty of life emerging, but also with like a little bit of cop chase vibes, like to give that urgency to the scene, like that you're getting. Yeah, you know what I mean? Um click, click, boom, come on, just like anything from the Fast and the Furious soundtrack. Sure. Oh, Matt, dog, uh give yourself a back to the future opening, the power of love.

Matt 6:38

Hey, what why not go straight to the theme, man? Because oh yeah, why not just put the back to the future overturn?

SPEAKER_01 6:47

Oh, Matt. Yeah.

Matt 6:48

Let me tell you something, Eric. I had the sheet music to that for trumpet when I was in high school. Because of course you did, because of course I did. And and to be fair, it's not like I had the soundtrack. I had like a famous movie themes, you know, collection of uh, you know, trumpet songs. Oh, sure. But I will say the direction for uh the main the main part of the overture is driving.

Eric 7:21

And so too the theme of your birth. And so too shall be the birth.

Matt 7:25

Ooh, Lindsay's gonna love this.

Eric 7:28

Oh, she's gonna be a huge fan.

Matt 7:29

Yeah, got to be. Got to. Got to be. Got to. Anyway, we uh so I, Eric, we better get started because who knows how much time I've got. You out of time, baby. Oh, oh, oh, but a countdown is on.

Greenhouses And The Squonk Rebrand

Matt 8:03

Well, hello, everybody, and welcome back to You Didn't Ask for This. It is the podcast answering life's least pressing questions, and for the moment, I am still Matthew Shea.

Eric 8:16

And for all eternity, I am Eric Poach. Eric Poach, how are you? Doing phenomenally, my man. Uh, every been doing a bunch of things. I gotta ask now, I'm gonna run out of time. Yeah, I do I know.

SPEAKER_02 8:28

I'm like because I'm not gonna talk to you in the interim.

Eric 8:30

No, no, no, no, no, no. Goodness no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There'll be plenty of time for that after. But now I'm doing good. Been doing a bunch of been working with my buddy, building greenhouses and doing one in Baltimore City, which has been really cool. Building a greenhouse for a community garden.

Matt 8:47

You really have turned, you really have sprouted a green thumb here in the last like month. I think I'm entering my farm boy era. I think you are. And you know, what a better time to do it than at 36 years old. Fuck boy out, farm boy in. That's what they say. That's what they say about you. Yeah. Wait, hold on. What? I'm just telling you the goss.

Eric 9:14

Okay, okay, okay. You don't have to you can dish off Mike on God.

Matt 9:18

Uh I can dish off Mike on God, but I, you know, I don't need to be putting everybody's business, you know, what what what we all say.

Eric 9:24

I um I just like to think there's a secret channel in Discord I don't know about. It's where everyone tells you that they have secret crushes on me. And and sure there is. Slash where everyone calls me a slut. And sure that's what we do.

Matt 9:37

Okay, good. It's better that way, I think. That we yeah, that channel's called Off Mike on Poach. Ooh. Hello. You should see the fan art. Speaking of fan art, Eric, yeah, I I don't know if you're aware of this. Uh, I get the sense that maybe you're not, but I before we begin, because we got a packed episode here. Oh, yeah. Uh, we got some surprise closer. You didn't tell me what it was. No. Um, and we've got a a three question series. They're all related, uh, of a of a uh hot Discord discussion that was given to us. Yes. We're gonna get into that, but I I got a little um, you know, you daft adjacent uh news story to bring in. Go on. I don't know if you're aware of this, Eric, but the um the minor league baseball teams there for for some time now have been doing alternate identity nights uh throughout uh the season. Last couple seasons, a bunch of not every single team, but yeah, well, most of them do. This was made most famous by uh John Oliver, the last week tonight's John Oliver. Uh he he picked a a minor league baseball team to rebrand. They he had them submit, and they basically all submitted. And he he turned um, to be honest, I forget the original uh name, but he turned into the moon mammoths. Um the moon mammoths, and this is special moon mammoth night. But Eric, the there is one that I think you might have a particular interest in. Go on, the Milwaukee Eric Poaches? The Milwaukee Eric Poaches. No, I'm talking about from my home state of Pennsylvania. We would be the epochs. Go on. Very good, Eric. Very good, very tasteful. Um no, no, no. I'm I'm of course talking about um the Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs.

Eric 11:38

That that is the real name, just to Okay, that's the real name of the team who rebranded to the Lehigh Valley Squonks, Eric.

Matt 11:51

Yeah! The Lehigh Valley Squonks and don't squonk squonks. And don't you worry, I am gonna share with you some of Feed Me Daddy. Some of that excellent looking uh branding. Oh take a look at this squonk.

Eric 12:08

Oh, look at him.

Matt 12:10

Look at how delightfully sad he is. Oh, look at that boy. Sadly, like he even has the same imagery that we originally used. Plus, they mention William T. Cox and the fearsome creatures of the lumberwoods published in 19 in my library. Oh, that merch fucks so hard. I I for real think I might get the hat because it's pretty awesome. That hat goes so as is the the shirts.

Eric 12:42

Um that all that baseball jersey rich.

Matt 12:46

The baseball jersey's pretty fucking awesome, I I have to admit. So they win. Yeah, they win the rebranding wars. So you can you can, of course, check this out on their website. I'm showing Eric some of the merch from the MILB.com slash Lehigh Valley slash team slash theme nights. Uh but the the night of the squonk will be Saturday, June 6th. Uh, first pitch is scheduled for 6 35. So one night only, I believe, the Lehigh Valley Squonks up there in Allentown, Pennsylvania.

Eric 13:22

Folks, reach out to them, give them some love. And Matt, let's let's uh let's hit them up. Let's uh what a good get that would be. Let's interview the entire team simultaneously over. We'll do that. I would uh I would do it. If that was on the table, I would do I would I would interview like 20 dudes. You would do 20 dudes at once? Any day of the week, baby. Nice. Any day of the week. Got to.

Matt 13:47

So I just thought everyone should appreciate the fact that the the squonk is is really taking over the pop culture zeitgeist. Uh I think we got in on the ground floor. We I think we did get in on the ground floor. I will say, I while I love that the squonk is making an appearance on a baseball team, our squonk is is cute.

SPEAKER_02 14:05

Oh, our squonk is a good one.

Matt 14:05

Our is much better. Uh much sadder. Not to mention, no, ours is happy sad. He's happy sad, but for he's much happier.

Eric 14:14

Their logo is much sadder.

Matt 14:17

It's majestic.

Eric 14:19

Oh, yeah.

Matt 14:20

But it's sad. But it is sad. Our squonk is joyful and sad despite himself. Because that's biology.

Eric 14:29

That's how the biology of the squonk works. He embraces his sorrow and finds joy in the in the light that he can find here at You Didn't Ask For that. He finds joy in the despair.

Matt 14:40

Joy amongst the tragedy. Yo, this is symbolic as hell. Damn. Damn. I feel like a goddamn poet. Fuck.

SPEAKER_01 14:49

Dog.

Matt 14:53

Yes. So uh so anyway, that's that. That's cool as hell. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So check that out. And of course, get the cooler, awesomer squonk at our merch store. You didn't ask for this.com, baby. We got baseball hats with the squonk on it. We got shirts with the squong on it. We got magnets with a squonk on it. Put a squonk on it. Put a squonk on it. We got a got to mug. We got we actually have a series of mugs now. We have a whole thing. And uh we we uh Eric, we do have some new merch coming. Yeah, we do. We we I am talking to the person who designed our other artwork about designing uh another beloved figure at uh you didn't ask for this. Um and uh, you know, we'll I'll see what we'll see what we can deliver. Maybe I come back with both a baby and merch.

unknown 15:46

Ooh.

Eric 15:46

Also, I'm just gonna put it out there. Matt. Tell me. Podcast guest pitch. The guy from Fiverr that we hired to do our squad draw. I wanna I have so many questions about what went through his mind.

Matt 16:02

I will say, I have told him multiple times that we are what the intention of these designs, because he also he did the same, you know, our caricatures, you know, he did those two. And I I don't know that he fully um really understands that like what I'm doing with it. But um, yeah, I already pitched him that we could just have him on retainer because I was like, look, I'm gonna be back, I'm gonna want all kinds of poses for the squonks.

Eric 16:31

So I ask him what his fiver rate is for being a podcast guest. I could ask, I could ask him the the best Fiverr fucking exchange ever.

Matt 16:43

It is true. We did find this guy on Fiverr, but uh, you know, he's he's been great. Uh but he's a 10. A 10 out of 10. I can ask him. I can ask him. Maybe he's a 10 out of five after my sabbatical.

Eric 16:55

It'd be weird to be like, oh, by the way, I won't be back for a while. You may not hear from me for some time. Shall we get into it? I would like to if you would stop yammering about minor league baseball team. I'm sorry.

Can Vampire Cops Use Warrants

Eric 17:09

All right, so gang, today we've got we got a bit of an interesting one. We have a triple header from Discord. We we we we got some we got a rich vein of of related questions. It's what we call a compound question.

Matt 17:23

Call we call it a turkey. So uh Eric, how do you want to do do you want to give them all three at once? No, let's just see if they can detect the theme.

Eric 17:32

Oh, the theme as we move the theme of these questions as we move.

Matt 17:36

All right, then um Eric, would you like me to give us the first question? Yeah, go on, give us the first question. Comes from Mr. Zach Deuce, who very shortly will be trying to fill in my shoes. And he asked, Can a vampire policeman enter my house if they have a warrant?

Eric 17:57

And this is apparently uh apparently uh A, I love this question. B, apparently this has been like a hotbed of debate that's emerged in the zeitgeist of the internet over the past few days. Among the vamps. Among the vamps.

Matt 18:09

Um, it's it's currently it's like a trending thing the last couple days?

Eric 18:13

Apparently, Alyssa, let me know that moments before we recorded this pilot.

Matt 18:17

Oh, that's fascinating. So we're gonna cover it two weeks after it's hot.

Eric 18:20

Yeah, but like we're gonna give the right answer. Yeah, we're gonna give it time to breathe. We we gotta give it time to breathe. Uh, first off, ACAB includes vampire cops. Let's just get that out of the way. Sure. Can a vampire policeman enter my house if they have a warrant? I think this feels cut and dry to me, but I want to I want to hear your take first. I want to hear your thoughts.

Matt 18:45

I can see a solid argument in both directions because in a way, the warrant represents an invitation by a judge from a judge. Yeah, that's that's to enter the home. Yeah. Somebody gave you permission to enter the home. So that I think, as we all know, vampire can't enter a house unless he has an orientation. Or she. Or she or she or they.

Eric 19:16

All the bases covered. Good work. Good work. Um, yeah, I that is where my head is at. And I want to be clear. Our justice system is bullshit. Our justice system is fucked beyond all belief. Oh, absolutely. But that's not why I think, like, oh, you know, because you have to follow along. No, I I think this works because it feels very I thematically from a monkey's paw perspective. Yeah. I f it feels good. It feels compelling in the narrative sense of it. Because we're talking about creatures like with our very arbitrary like limitations. Like you know, all over the place. They're all over the place. So like it doesn't feel outside of the realm of possibility that you could monkeys paw this by like, oh, you know, you can't enter my house without permission, nyan nyh. And they're like, haha, I have a warrant. I have a permission of sorts.

Matt 20:14

But no, the counter-argument, the objection, Your Honor, is that the person who who owns or perhaps is renting the home, uh did n didn't give explicit permission from that person, the master of the house, if you will.

Eric 20:34

But the judge, however, in in legality overrules that overrules that. And that that's what I see. So I'll I'll let you know.

Matt 20:43

And again, you're right, the justice system i is fucked. I mean, it's it it's got you know, hair back, cigarette out, like one leg hanging off the bed. Like, whoo, it's been through it.

Eric 20:58

Yeah, I Mr. Shea, I will remind you, you're on thick ice right now. Um, no, I I I I I bet your ass, I am Matt. Here's what it comes down to for me. That was an easy is this only works if you buy into the social crowd. If you participate in if you pay your taxes, this works.

unknown 21:19

Yeah.

Eric 21:19

So what I'm getting at, Matt, is is truly it's the answer to all of life's uh issues, namely vis-a-vis vampire. This only works if you have true sovereign domain over your your abode. So you need to go off grid and become a sovereign citizen, then they can't get you with this because you have opted out of society's laws. Yes, yes. That is and that's when you pull the Uno reverse on the vampire, go, psych, that's not my name.

Matt 21:50

Because uh we I think we have to assume if the vampire policeman is uh uh is following a warrant to society. Search a home or perhaps just enter the home for the explicit purpose of sucking blood. Uh it it has to be, and correct me if you disagree, has to be a vampire judge that signed the warrant. Oh because the vampire community do operate out much like the Amish outside modern society.

Eric 22:23

I I agree with this. Thank you. It has to be a vampire, and then that's the Uno reverse they pull on you. So they pull up, they're like, here's a warrant. We've got two now. Yeah. Here's a warrant, I'm a vampire. And you're like, psych Uno reverse. I'm a sovereign citizen. And then they pull Uno reverse, it was a vampire judge.

Matt 22:40

And as one of my all-time favorite Twitter exchanges went, Uno once clarified uh that you can't do a reverse on reverse. Uh, I believe that's what they clarified, or unless you invite Uno into your house. They also, I think, said, like, you can't play uh two plus four is like uh back to back or something like that. Cowards. And as the response, the the heavy favorite response tweet went, hey, thanks for the cards, we'll take it from here.

Eric 23:13

And that is why an anarchist state can work. You hand us the framework, we'll figure out the rest, baby. No kings, no gods, no vampire cops. Yeah, baby.

Matt 23:27

Because you say you're a cop, all I see is a flying pig. You know what I'm saying?

Eric 23:32

Oh baby. Oh, baby. You know it. Law enforcement's at the door. Oh it and now I I immediately pictured a scene where you like the vampire cop has just kicked down your door, your arms are up in the air, but then your hands are reaching up behind your head to grab the stake that you duct taped to your back. Absolutely.

Matt 23:55

Yeah, yeah. I John McClainum.

Eric 23:57

Yeah, you John McClainum.

Matt 23:58

Or if you know, the stake is the stake is is quite a uh um, you know, we're going right for like the big guns. You know, John McClain just had the little pistol there. What if I just have a crucifix taped to my back? Throw it like a ninja star. And then he he he gets that burning, burning sensation.

Eric 24:19

Matt, title of the movie: stake out. Stake Out. Stake Out. Stakes Out. Stakes Out Knives Out Mysteries.

Matt 24:27

A knives out mysteries. Sorry, Ben Wall Blanc.

SPEAKER_03 24:31

I could see here for very clearly, is has all the markings of a of a vampiric entrance through the window.

SPEAKER_01 24:39

Now, I'm confused. Now I see you've done bit me on the back of the neck there. Now, am I gonna get a sudden thirst for for human blood, or am I just gonna be a thrall? Yeah, and I hope you don't mind me asking.

SPEAKER_03 24:54

This is just one of my morbid curiosities. Why didn't you go for the jugular side of me?

SPEAKER_01 25:01

That's surely the easier target, which leads me to believe that this is no vampire at all. But Elon Musk.

SPEAKER_03 25:10

For what is this? Lo and behold, you've been drinking out of this water bottle I provided you back in the first act, and it's filled with holy water.

Eric 25:20

I don't keep with all that mumba jumble, but uh I do believe in the consecration of the risen crack. Stakes out a knives out movie. I perfect fucking love the knives out series. It's perfect, it's moving Bedwall Block. And the third one, the third, the third one went so fucking hard. I love it.

Matt 25:43

I do think I I know the third one got a little bit of hate to get why to to go um into the paint here a little bit. But I uh what I like about the third one is that it broke its own, it broke the knives out sort of formula. It like it isn't the same as the others. You see Benoit Blanc right there at the beginning of the film, uh as opposed to like coming in halfway through the first act. But the I I enjoyed that they're messing with the form a little bit. I think maybe just a touch more of the formula wouldn't have gone awry. Wouldn't have hurt nobody. But I think I I loved Wake Up Dead Man. I think it's a great movie. Oh Wake Up Dead Man. But all three of them are great. I love each of them because they're all so different. Yeah, I mean the first one's the best.

SPEAKER_02 26:31

But vampire cops, no more talking about knives out. Oh shit. Why are they bros? We got bro vampires.

Eric 26:41

Uh yeah, so there we have it. Uh if it's a vampire judge, the warrant stands, they can enter. Uh, if you're a sovereign citizen, they can't do shit. It's the one time, and I can't and I cannot be clearer about this. The only time that being a sovereign citizen actually helps you is if a vampire cop is trying to enter your that's true, because once again, those things don't exist.

Matt 27:05

Eric, why don't you go ahead and give us the second

Trapping Your Co-Host With Bait

Matt 27:08

question? I'd love to, but on the heels of the first one.

Eric 27:11

Uh, and again, see if you can detect the theme. Question number two if you had to set a trap for your co-host, what would you use as bait to guarantee they fall for it? And that's from Dairy King 11. All hail the king, baby baby. Oh, what a mmm. I'm no no no no. Soak it up, soak it down. So, oh god, there's so many directions we can go.

Matt 27:35

There's so many directions I could go as well, my friend. So you need to trap me. The why? Not important.

Eric 27:41

No, no. I have box string stick ready to pull, but what am I putting under that box? What are you putting under the box?

Matt 27:51

What's it gonna be in the box? Is me. What's gonna be in the box? Oh man. Now you don't have to corner yourself by I think saying it has to be a trap that is box stick.

Eric 28:05

No, no, no, no. But in many ways, that might be the most difficult. But I do want to put the the focus of the question is the bait, not so much the mechanism.

Matt 28:15

Here's what I think uh I I is jump into mind. Yeah. And it might maybe it's a little basic. Yeah, this is just my first attempt. My first attempt at the my first wily coyote attempt to capture the roadrunner that is Eric Poach. Meep, meep.

Eric 28:31

Meep, meep. Meep, and I cannot stress this enough.

Matt 28:36

There you are, meeping around, tongue darting out like an desert streets, yeah, them deserted desert streets. And what do you see, Eric? Across the across the the little stretch of sand there. God damn, I'll tell you what, it is bopping. I mean, you hear the beat. Oh shit. Long before you even come upon it.

SPEAKER_03 29:02

And then you look over there, and there, a blackened square, a blackened square of uh a house music crash out happening.

Matt 29:15

It's like a mirage, it's like an oasis, only the exact opposite of an oasis.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

Let me hear you say that.

Matt 29:23

Yeah, and everybody's going crazy because what is that? What is that? Not a sarlac pit. No, it's a mosh pit.

Eric 29:28

It's a mosh pit. If it was a mosh pit rave, I'd be done. I'd be cooked.

Matt 29:33

It's a Shrek mosh pit rave.

Eric 29:35

It's a Shrek mosh pit rave. And I just heard someone sample the line before the drop is bring on the BS.

SPEAKER_02 29:43

Get out of my swamp. Okay.

Eric 29:47

Don't and it's like that build of like ogres have layers.

SPEAKER_02 30:01

God damn.

Eric 30:02

Yeah, I'd be cooked. I'd be cooked.

Matt 30:05

Got that alien ant farm. Uh I'm a believer going. I I am a I am it's smash mouth.

Eric 30:12

It's smash mouth. I am a sucker for any pop song that's remixed into like a rave song.

Matt 30:18

It's yeah, so it's raving along, Eric, like a moth to a fucking fly trap. There you come, up to that trying to try to light that candle. And as you as you step towards the promised land that is the mosh pit, the ground gives way underneath you. Your feet become nothing but wings, as the tarp that had sand butt on top of it gives way and down the I'm gonna say seven foot pit. No, you're too tall. Much far farther. Seventeen foot.

SPEAKER_02 30:54

Seventeen feet! You can't do seventeen feet.

Matt 30:56

No chances. You fall down, both the legs break. Absolutely they do. And you're down and you're down there and you say, please, marshers, help. I'm a marsh pit lifeguard. Help me! I'm medical.

SPEAKER_03 31:11

And then slowly, Eric.

Matt 31:13

Oh no. Slowly, you you come to realize that the music has stopped. And ever so slowly, from all sides of the rectangular hole you have found yourself down, the little trench that you are at the bottom of with two broken legs. Each and every one of the marshers peer over the edge. Oh no. Looking down at you. Oh no. Expressionless at first. Sure. Oh no. But slowly a smile creeps across their faces, and as they refuse to break eye contact, each of them take their right foot behind them.

SPEAKER_03 31:55

Brush in a footfall of sand.

Eric 31:57

Oh my god!

SPEAKER_03 31:59

Brush in another footfall of sand, as slowly but surely you're buried alive in the desert like Walter White's millions.

Eric 32:08

Jesus Christ, man. So that's my trap.

Matt 32:14

You thought about this. Again, my first attempt.

Eric 32:17

This is this is state's evidence.

Matt 32:19

I hope you know.

Eric 32:20

It's just what came to mind. It's just it's just you know, it just came to mind. All right, wherever you're gonna be able to do it. The mosh pit, the mo where the bait where the bass and I truly drop. Ah, yes. So, Eric, entrap me. Uh oh, mine's my see, I like a simplicity of a trap. Okay. Love a simplicity. Matt, you're gonna be in your fucking home. Okay. And and you're gonna be in your home. So far, it's gonna be like a light social gathering. Like maybe people, like maybe it's one of those, like, oh, everyone's coming by to see the baby. Like, like, no, one of those little little little goo-goo gaze. You'll be you'll be, Matt, I see you. You're you're in your you're in your living room. And you know, your very tasteful living room with your floor to ceiling windows, which I adore. And like you're sitting there with your boy on your lap, just looking out, looking out over the trap me in front of my son. The the lake, the like looking out, like maybe the sun setting. And you're like, you you know, and you're like you're just basking in, you're like, you there, you know, there's like some friends gathered in the kitchen, you know. Yeah, you know, and you know, Lindsay's off somewhere. It's just you and your boy, well, like in the in the eye of the of the party hurricane, where you're just like taking this moment to like you know, having that little look at it, son. This is your birthright. And then you'll hear you'll hear you'll hear like a twittering, a twittering over over the party from the kitchen, like over the over the wall of people, like gathered in your kitchen. Like you'll you'll see they're all gathered around someone, around your oven, and it's and it's me. And you'll just hear my voice twittering over them. You go, you'll hear me say, Oh, yeah, I can make Matt's cookies. Here, I'll show you. Oh, oh, I made a few improvements. And uh oh, interesting, really interesting.

Matt 34:10

And I imagine I was about to to say there's nothing you could say that would draw me over there, but there you go, Eric. There you go, talking that big game, huh?

Eric 34:20

Yeah, you'll you'll just be like, you'll you'll set the lad down in the bassinet that you keep at hand all times. Just in case. Set him down. He's like, you'll be like, I don't want you to see this son. And then you hear some nonsense is stated. Oh yeah. Uh oh, I don't want you to hear. You put the little baby headphones on him, you're like, I don't want you to hear what happens. And then you'll sprint towards the kitchen, and then like the as you sprint toward the the the you know, the wall of your friends will part, and then there's me. Bam! Frying pan to the face. Looney tune style. Oh, wow, direct violence. And then as I'm pushing you into the oven. Oh, in the oven. Oh, yeah. As I'm pushing the oven like you're a witch in a fable.

Matt 34:58

You can am I the improvement to my own cookies?

Eric 35:02

Yeah, I'll be I'll hit you with like a real RL Stein kind of ending, like, oh Matt, I could never improve your cookies. But now I have the secret ingredient.

SPEAKER_02 35:12

Yes, yes. Very good. Very good baker. Yeah. Forbidden baker.

Eric 35:17

Yeah, I I I I was like, uh a baking making Matt Shay's cookies in his own house, I think that gets him.

Matt 35:27

That would be it's a bold call if you were to do it for real. So yeah, it would Eric, I think it's safe to say my interest would be piqued. You had my attention. Now you have my interest. Now you have my interest. Yeah, that's good. That's good. Well done. Simple but effective. Oh, yeah. And like any good recipe, Eric, those ingredients come together to make our third question. Which came from Tim from Against All Oddities, also in the Discord.

Building Stakes Out Movie Lore

Matt 35:58

Bam, bam, bam, right?

Eric 35:59

Wam, bam, these questions all in response to each other.

Matt 36:02

To each other. The wham, the bam, and here comes the thank you, ma'am. If either of these questions are chosen, can the plot leading up to the vampire becoming a policeman and what the warrant is for be explained? Also, the preceding situation leading up to needing a co-host trap.

Eric 36:23

I've all I I'm already like my plot brain is already filling in so many blanks. All right. Well, come on, Eric. Okay. Let it flow. Well, the biggest blank I'm filling in is the last one. I absolutely know why we need to trap each other. Oh, okay. So, so we let let's we're gonna put a pin in that. All right. Oh, all right. But the plot leading up to the vampire becoming a policeman. So honestly, I think like it's sorry, stakes out, a knives out story. It oh, that's the that's the question, is they're just asking what is the plot of stakes out and knives out story? The vampire became a policeman because what better way, like, especially again with our dog shit justice system and the erosion of civil rights, what better way to get access to all the blood you want than be by becoming a cop so you can no-knock warrant, you know, get no-knock warrants from a vampire judge to then enter people's houses and feast on their necks. I mean, at a certain point in immortality, you gotta game the system. You got to. Because now, social with especially with like social media and stuff, like the vampires are sweating. Yeah, that's true. How many vampires have been exposed because they were in the back of someone's thirst trap on TikTok? Few, I would think.

Matt 37:45

They don't they it shouldn't appear in the photograph.

Eric 37:48

Oh no, well, that's the exception. So so in stakes out photographs out movie, uh, well, it's not a photograph, it's TikTok. That's how they get around it. But but photographs are fine. It's really the mirrors, right? Because it's it's mirrors, yeah, and depending on the media, photographs.

Matt 38:04

Depending on the lore, what particular brand of vampirism you are currently ingesting.

Eric 38:12

Correct. Yes. My favorite in-lore explanation for why vampires don't show up in mirrors or in um in photographs is from a book, YA series I read as a young adult. Um, and the explanation there is that the transformation into a vampire changes your molecular structure and your molecules are vibrating at such a frequency that it just doesn't show up in certain wavelengths of light. Interesting. Yeah.

Matt 38:39

Yeah.

Eric 38:40

Namely those captured by cameras and mirrors.

Matt 38:43

So basically, you're saying it's a hack.

Eric 38:46

It's a vampire hack. It's a vampire hack. Uh human human prey hate this one trick.

Matt 38:53

Use this surefire one trick to fool your human foolish prey.

Eric 38:58

To herd your sweet, sweet morsels into their pen. Uh, yeah. So I think that the the vampire vampire becoming a cop, easy for prey. So they're gonna abuse the busted ass justice system to to it's still a vampire judge, though. So the vampire judge, well, that's that's the it's it's kind of like the you know, you gotta have someone on the inside.

Matt 39:21

You gotta have multiple like I think vampires Well, you're not saying it's a separate vampiric judicial system. You're saying that we have a secret vampire judge within the regular dog shit American judicial system. Correct.

Eric 39:39

Which, and here's the fucked up thing, Matt. So in order to become a judge, you gotta get sweared in. What do you put your hand on when you swear in, Matt? Typically a uh holy book. A holy book, a holy book, which a vampire cannot place their hand on, which means that book needs to be like something else. It can be like a dictionary, it needs to be fake, and the only way that can be fake is if the person swearing you in is also a vampire. Oh, so we what we they're all on the tick now. They're all it goes all the way to the top, truly all the way to the top. And and how Ben Bois Blanc is gonna figure this out is anybody's guess. It's a hey, no one sees it coming until the last 20 minutes. No one ever does. No one ever does. Um, so the warrant, again, abusing the justice system, the warrant could be for anything. Like civil civil forfeiture includes your blood. That's did you know that? Did you know that civil forfeiture includes your blood? Vampires did. They did. They've read the Constitution, found the loopholes. Now, Matt, here's where things get interesting. Only here. Only here. Everything up until now, boring. Matt. I thought so. You and I play a very, very special role in Stakes Out of Knives Out Story. Oh, we do? Oh, yeah. Matt, you and I are trying to trap each other because we each suspect the other of being a vampire cop.

Matt 41:08

Yeah.

Eric 41:10

Oh, not even just a vampire, vampire cop. Well, I think no, sorry. The vampire cops, so we are each other's red herring. We get one of one or both of us gets attacked by a vampire cop, and we think the other is working with them.

Matt 41:25

The vampire Eric, the vampire cops are listen, the vampires they're among us. We know that. You and I know this. Yes. And unfortunately, some wires have gotten crossed, and we look at each other, and one day we're just like, wait a goddamn minute? I haven't seen him in the cold light of day in quite a quite a minute. Huh. And I say, I do think Mr. Poach might just be trying to suck old Matt Shea's blood. And we become suspicious, individually, independently, that we might be a vampire. Unbeknownst to us, Eric, there's this whole judicial vampiric system at play.

SPEAKER_01 42:11

Yep.

Matt 42:12

And these vampires are hunting vampire hunters.

Eric 42:18

Oh, they're under the auspices of being a cop. Two birds, one stone.

Matt 42:24

Two birds, one stone. Oh. Two birds, one bite. Two birds fuck. It was right there the whole time. Fuck. It was right there the whole time. So the vampires are after us because we are after each other. So the irony is if only we stuck together, we would have been okay.

Eric 42:41

If only and and that's and that's what Benoit Blanc is tearfully explaining, because we're the murder he's trying to solve.

Matt 42:48

We're for real. I'm not gonna even lie, for real. I thought I heard my office door opening just now and my whole heart stopped.

Eric 42:55

Oh man. Oh, buddy. But it did not. You're such a good boy. Who? You're such a good boy. But yeah, we're we're the murders that Benoit Blanc is trying to do because we both died, so and then Benoit slowly unravels that we murdered each other. But why?

SPEAKER_03 43:11

But why would these two podcasters know each other? Low these 20 years nearabouts. Two thespians of a time.

Eric 43:21

Two thespians both alike in dignity in Thailand. And that's when he uncover that's when he blows up the vampire justice systems cover. Like exposes the whole thing. Yes. Yes. Who plays the who's the cameo that plays the vampire judge? Who do we pull for that?

Matt 43:41

Do you do are we think oh I want to know what flavor you're going with first for this bit. Are you thinking established actor or are you thinking someone from the Yad landscape?

Eric 43:51

Oh no, someone from the Yad landscape will play the cop. But the judge so the So first, like who plays the cop? I

Matt 44:00

You know what? I think I have to go with where this whole started.

Eric 44:06

Well, I don't now hold on. No vampire comp. I don't want to vampire cop. So there's they're they're they're they're fucking smooth and sexy.

Matt 44:16

I mean, Zachy D is all those things, and he did give us the vampire question, but I I was feeling a little bit more in the direction of Dairy King.

Eric 44:26

Dairy King would be a very Dairy King you would never see coming. You'd never see him coming. You'd never see him coming. And yeah, and he's shown that he has no problem uh uh what's the word abusing systems of law vis-a-vis him abusing the blizzard machine at Dairy Queen. Absolutely, yes. For his own delicious benefit. He's documented his crimes right there in the open. Oh, yeah.

Matt 44:49

He'd actually on this very show.

Eric 44:50

Yeah, he'd never become a cop, but he if he became a vampire, then he'd become a vampire cop.

Matt 44:55

He could become a vampire. I mean, I could become a vampire cop if I was a vampire.

Eric 44:59

Yeah, head of the game. What we're getting at, folks, is in order to get into law enforcement, you gotta be a blood-sucking creature of the night. That's all I'm saying. Absolutely. Uh that brings us to who plays our vampire judge. Who is our who is our holy shit, they got casting.

Matt 45:18

Casting got this absolutely right. Now we're talking about the vampire judge.

Eric 45:25

Vampire judge has to be, I feel austere, has to have half has to have like a gravitas. Yes. Maybe someone we haven't seen on the scene in a while. Maybe. I'm I'm I'm it doesn't have to be. It's gotta be somebody. We could throw out a Skarsgard. We wake one of them up.

Matt 45:45

Well, now you're go you're going true blood on me, because uh, you know, that's where the polls are. It could be a nod. It could be a nod. It could be a nod. Now, Eric, I I don't know that you are gonna be familiar with this person. Uh-huh. Okay. But I think he'd be very good as a vampire judge. Go on. Patrick Page. Not familiar. Patrick Play Page played uh Hades in Hades Town, uh original cast. He's he's got a if you saw the third season of Shmoogadoon, he uh he's in Shmoogadoon's. I did not by which I mean two. There's only two. Yeah, he's he's got a a very powerful bass baritone voice. Is he's got a menacing look to him as well.

Eric 46:31

Okay, let me let me look this fella up.

Matt 46:33

And I and I I respect that it's not a mainstream choice, so we can get another choice in there, but you're gonna look at him and say, Oh yeah, vampire judge.

Eric 46:40

Oh, that's a vampire judge.

Matt 46:42

And once you hear I'm serious, once you hear the man talk, his voice couldn't be lower, is what I'm saying to you.

Eric 46:49

He does, he he's got the look for short. While we're on the subject of potential Broadway famous people getting cast, let me hit you with this. And this is this has got layers of reference. George Hearn. Ooh, George Hearn's an excellent choice. Playing a judge, especially these days. Yeah, especially these days. Also, fun fact George Hearn was recently, I say recently, on an episode of Star Trek The Next Generation that I was watching, re-watching.

Matt 47:18

Yes, George Hearn is still alive. He's 91. Oh, yeah. 91 heels young. 91 heels young. Not a young. We had some deep cuts for this casting. Deep cuts for this casting. If we wanted to go slightly more mainstream, another non.

Eric 47:36

Yeah, I would say we do need a mainstream answer for the non-dorks to popular vampiric uh pop culture, uh Gary Oldman. Oh, Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman is our judge be good. All the fucking way, and you know he'd send it.

Matt 47:52

He always does. Or we could we could go a real different direction and go very on the nose with Matt Berry.

SPEAKER_01 48:01

Who is this man in my courtroom? I hold you in contempt. I'm sworn to the bar of New York City. I'm no fancy city judge. Now y'all, you're corner.

SPEAKER_03 48:21

I just I'm no big city slicker, but my my my word, you have quite an interesting way of uh speaking.

SPEAKER_01 48:32

I am erect. Continue.

Matt 48:36

Look who's fucking talking, sir. Dude, it could you honest to God, I Matt Barry going full Matt Barry against Daniel Craig doing his best. Benoit Blanc.

Eric 48:48

Stakes out, knives out, uh sorry, stakes out a knives out what we do in the shadows crossover.

Matt 48:57

It just now we just gotta go deep in the paint on the accent work and have like a Fran Dresher is the prosecutor. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Get like Kiana Reeves, a la Bill and Ted as the defending attorney. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Eric 49:14

What's Jeremy Irons doing? Get him in here too.

Matt 49:17

Oh, Jeremy Irons could be a good judge.

Eric 49:19

Jeremy Irons would be a good judge. I I'm I'm a sucker for Jeremy Irons. I am a sucker for Jeremy Irons in in all things.

Matt 49:26

Let me answer with this. Stanley Tucci. I could see it. I just love him in everything he's in. It's an understated pick. It's an understated pick. It'd be nice.

Eric 49:36

It'd be smooth. I would love. I think Stanley Tucci would make a good vampire judge.

Matt 49:40

We know he makes a good villain from the uh lovely bones.

Eric 49:43

Yeah. Yeah.

Matt 49:44

Lovely surprise villain.

Eric 49:46

I mean, I guess spoiler. Sorry, I've been watching Tucci in Italy, and it's it's it's very you know he used his entire series where he just hangs out in Italy, drinks, eats food, and just I'm aware. It's it's very nice. I was watching before we came to record this show. I'm very aware of it. Yeah. Matt Shea says, I'm very aware of it.

Matt 50:07

Nothing.

Eric 50:07

Evert Robert gave it two thumbs up.

Matt 50:10

So yeah, Eric, I think we nailed this question. Oh, yeah. I think we nailed all three of this question.

Eric 50:14

Not only did we answer the hypotheticals, we also wove it into the knives out universe. So what more could you ask for? What more could you ask for? A closing segment. That's what you could ask for.

Matt 50:27

Now, Eric, you once again volunteered to prepare

A Message For Matt’s Future Son

Matt 50:30

one. I'd I know not what you have.

Eric 50:32

And Matt, may I say, as always, God, you teed me up beautifully. That's what I do, babe. You teed me up from the moment we walked into this podcast. I'm gonna tell you why, Matt. Matt, you're about to leave me for uh weeks to a month. You're gonna take some time off. Oh small spell. A small spell. Matt, you're gonna become a father. I am, and I'm sure that you've in in all your little baby books, baby shower thing, but b baby tradition stuff, you've you've done some version of this already. But Matt, I want to know this is for us. This is for this is for me and you. And I told you to come unprepared for this because Matt, nothing can prepare you for what's ahead. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for that. Good looking at it. While we're on the record, and this podcast is going to be a record that theoretically your kid's gonna be listening to someday. I would hope so. So, Matt, I want you to take a moment, think about what you want to say, and tell me and your your boy. Tell Uncle Eric and your little boy what what you want them to know about you, who you are right now. Wow. Wow, Eric. I'm gonna tell you, kid, I'm gonna be honest with you, your dad, I'll start. He's a good boy. He's a goddamn good boy. He's an amazing friend, he's one of the hardest workers I've ever known, he's one of the most talented actors I've ever known. He's one of the funniest fucking human beings I've ever met on the planet, and I love him very much. Eric. That's what I know about my boy Matt Shea. That's all I'm gonna say. Look, you're gonna be leaving me for a moment. I just I just need to get this out now. Eric, I I'm uh I'm speechless. Good.

Matt 52:17

Just like Meatloaf, you've taken the words right out of my mouth. Yoink? Yoink, there they go. It must have been while you were kissing me. Now uh wow, what direction do I go with this? Um, but you're asking me to talk about me. And like I know.

Eric 52:42

Oh, I know you, I know it. I this is like a weird eulogy you're asking me to talk about. Not a eulogy. Talk talk to tell your kid because your kid is gonna get to know a version of you that doesn't exist yet. That's true.

Matt 52:55

That is weird to think about, but yeah, you're absolutely a hundred percent right.

Eric 52:58

Yeah, like like I've always been curious because that's the thing I always found myself most curious about, my dad. Is like is like of course I knew it like seeing when he was young and raising me, or like thinking about like him when I was little, but like I always wonder was like, what were you like before me? What would what who who was this person? Who was this Rick? Who was Rick? Who was Rick and where'd he go? Let me let me give you a little spray. How are you feeling right now in this moment? About fatherhood? About father, about about about life.

Matt 53:31

Uh I mean wholly unprepared, I'd say. The like despite the best efforts of trying to as be as prepared as one can, because after all, scout motto is be prepared, and I am still an Eagle Scout. Scree scree. I'll tell you a scree. Um you nervous? Yes, yes, of course I'm nervous. The um, you know, you on the one hand, you do you do the prep, you know, you do every you try you read the books, you you know, do all this, but I all I I know solidly for a fact that I'm not all that's going away the second time.

Eric 54:14

Oh, it's all out the window.

Matt 54:15

It's all out the window. I like I don't need someone to tell me that that's gonna happen for that to be a known fact. No plan survives contact with the baby. Uh the I you know, I saw this clip the other day that I've been trying to like keep in my head, and it's from Bob's Burgers, and I don't watch Bob's Burgers, but uh the and I've been told I should, but uh there was a clip of Bob holding a baby, uh I assume his baby, and saying, like, um, I just need to be what she needs me to be, and she needs me to not be scared, so I won't be. And I was just sort of struck by the simplicity of that, yeah, yeah. And the complexity of like, yeah, okay, we're just gonna do this and see what happens, I guess. Like the, you know, um, but uh yeah, I mean, what to know about this? So that's how I'm feeling, I guess.

Eric 55:17

Like, and if I and if I could could could translate that to your Uncle Eric again. Um so so kid, your dad is nervous. Scare shitless, I'm sure. A little bit, yeah. I mean, he's still got the IBS, so this shit is not a problem. Yeah, yeah. But kid, your father, despite this, is choosing, is chosen you, has chosen your mom, and and and is like will spend the next rest of his life choosing you every day, despite how scared shitless he may be he may be feeling. And that, as I'm aware, is the fucking definition of bravery. Oh, Eric, you first of all, you're too for you're far too kind to me. No. This this goes without saying. I could never be too kind to you.

Matt 56:10

You're right. Okay, rewind it. Rewind the you know what, you know what, actually, I I apologize to me. I didn't give myself enough credit. And that's something your father does all the time, son, is he doesn't give himself enough credit. And that is both that is both a joke and the truth.

Eric 56:29

No, honest, uh no, truly, honest to God, man. Like, like you, you are you are it bits aside, one of the most humble people I've ever known. You don't give yourself credit. That's very nice to say. I don't know that it's true, but that's very nice. Don't forget to give yourself credit. Don't forget because God, because god damn, you're gonna you're gonna need you're gonna need to steal those moments in the middle of all the fucking sleepless nights. Just remember like, fuck yeah, I choose this, I'm doing this. Don't forget that. Don't forget how awesome you are. Don't forget how awesome, and you will never forget how awesome Lindsay is. But no, one can't forget that. It slaps you in the face. Also, shout out to Dr. Lindsay Arbar.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

Just real quick.

Eric 57:13

She's she's she she's she's slaving over a hot oven, the oven being her belly.

Matt 57:18

One I cannot stress enough. This and this is something that I've learned is quite common amongst the um uh the the fatherly uh population, is that there is like a feeling of uh not not guilt necessarily, but like there's only so much I can do right now. Sure. Like like I'm not doing any of the hard part literally at all.

Eric 57:46

Yeah. Lindsay is Lindsay is uh metaphorically trying to park the Ford F-150 on a narrow street, and you're standing on the sidewalk just doing waves, doing a little wave while pointing the wrong direction.

Matt 58:00

Yeah. Yeah. Just push, baby.

SPEAKER_01 58:04

That's deeper.

Matt 58:06

That is sort of what it feels like uh sometimes. And I've expressed this before of like this weird, like I I just assume on the other side of things I'm doing a majority of diaper changes and things like that, just simply to make up for lost time.

Eric 58:25

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's brother, that is such a healthy mindset to take into it because goddamn I'll say a lot of dudes don't.

Matt 58:36

I I'll say this to to to my boy. Yeah, say this to your boy. I I'm sure one thing that has not gone away is my anxiety. And it is oh, it's front and center in terms of things that define me in many ways, despite the drugs. Now, the prescribe drugs, prescribe drugs, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication. Uh the despite was like brown outzolov. Uh and just I I feel like I gotta be specific now. For any vampire cops that are listening. Uh as bat. As bat, you see. As as yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I will say that like the the I have so much anxiety about a great many things. Like the keeping alive part. That's a big one. Yeah. It's pretty high. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come there. For sure. You know, um, there's a lot of real topics I could go into. Like the very the very idea that SIDS is a thing scares the fucking shit out of me. Can't even imagine. Cannot fathom. Like uh and nobody else can either, and that's the problem. Um, but then there's also other things that I'm gonna be so I'm gonna be taking all that very seriously. Yes. Um, but I'm also gonna be taking other things very seriously. Like I have anxiety that, and I know what you're gonna say, but like I want to make sure those story times are as good as is expected of me.

Eric 1:00:21

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You, the consummate performer, want to make sure you put on a good show for your kid.

Matt 1:00:29

Yeah, like like the Lorax has to be heartbreaking. I have to ruin this child with my performance. You have to. You don't understand, son. I have to. Got to. There is no half-ass switch.

Eric 1:00:49

You're God, your kid is gonna have the b your kid is is is going to have a childhood of story times that like will just shh shit on everyone.

Matt 1:01:00

This is what I mean. That's this is what everybody has said this morning. This is what will alienate him from his peers. People have said that, oh my god, those story times are gonna be those bad time stories are gonna be epic. And this is what I have to live up. I feel I have to live up to it. Oh, yeah. So I'm gonna try. I'm gonna try. But I'm saying there's those everyday moments as well that like I'm both looking forward to and want to get right. Yeah, and sure I won't be batten a thousand as as nobody does, but I'm swinging. Oh, but yes, you are. I'm this is that's my promise.

Eric 1:01:32

I'm swinging. Oh, god damn. What a what a button to put on it. Matt Shea. God, make God put that on his business card. Matt Shea, I'm swinging. Yeah, I'm swinging. I'm swinging. He's a swinger. You heard it here first, folks. You heard it here first.

Matt 1:01:49

No, hold on a second.

Eric 1:01:50

Pineapple merch will be available.

Matt 1:01:52

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Eric 1:01:54

Get your squonk key bowl. Matt, I I yeah, I just I really wanted to take the time for for to give it. Clearly, you did. I was totally taken aback. Buddy, I love you so goddamn much. Whoa, and and you're you're you love you love this child so much, and they haven't even arrived yet. You love this child so fucking much. So, like, you're doing you're doing so good. You're such a good boy. You're gonna and it's gonna be scary, and it's gonna be hard, and it's gonna be so many fucking things, but it's gonna be beautiful, and it's gonna be okay. Don't forget that.

Matt 1:02:34

That's very kind of you to say, Eric. Yeah, it's very kind. I appreciate your vote of confidence.

Eric 1:02:38

I gotcha.

Matt 1:02:39

And listen, Eric. I'm gonna be gone for a little bit. Yeah. But I'll also be right here.

Eric 1:02:45

Yeah, I'll be right here.

Matt 1:02:47

Cause listen, you're gonna say some fucking shit that's gonna cause editor Matt to just come right in on the God mic. Nope.

Eric 1:02:55

Nope, nope, that's not true. Matt Shea's gonna do on mic, am God. Ooh, new segment. Oh, he said it! Yeah, baby.

SPEAKER_02 1:03:09

Yeah, I took your thing. I love it.

Eric 1:03:11

And Zach, Zach, everybody be very nice to Zach. Be so nice that your Funkel Zach and me are gonna have a great time. Listen, boys, just don't burn the ass down, okay?

Matt 1:03:20

No, they're just don't burn the ass down. Numbers on the fridge. Numbers on the fridge. Your mother and I'll be right, right over there in the hotel. I'm pushing out a new mascot. Just working on, we'll call it new content.

Eric 1:03:37

Yeah.

Matt 1:03:40

Oh man. So wow, Eric, on such a serious note. I know. Yeah, well, heartfelt note. Heartfelt note. Uh so yeah, I'm I'm just taking a couple episodes

How To Send Questions And Wrap

Matt 1:03:52

off. Zach will be here for a couple, might have a best of or two. We'll see. Well, I mean, we'll see how this whole thing uh shakes out, but uh you daft's still gonna be here in two weeks. Oh, yeah. Two weeks after that, and two weeks after that.

Eric 1:04:04

We ain't going anywhere, baby.

Matt 1:04:05

No, no, Eric, and you're gonna be great. But you, Eric, you're gonna have to uh you're gonna have to do the business.

Eric 1:04:12

Oh god, I I I feel like you can't make Zach do the business. I can't, I cannot, I cannot let Zach do the business. Not in good conscience. Not in good consciousness. Consciousness. Conscious Consciousness.

Matt 1:04:29

But don't worry, Eric. I'll give you the template one last time before the break. And then I'll be back and I'll I'll rescue you from your hell that is uh set information. Folks, we need your questions.

Eric 1:04:43

We did them.

Matt 1:04:44

We need you to give them to us at udnaskforthisgmail.com. That's all spelled out, or you can submit them through our fancy new website at udinaskforthis.com. Also all spelled out, which is where you can get all that awesome squonk merch. Squonk, squonk, squonk, squon, squon, squonk! Uh of course, if you really want to keep in touch with me, there is an easy way to do that, and that would be to be a member of the Discord.

Eric 1:05:10

All you have to do is join the Patreon era. Patreon.com slash you didn't ask for this for one dollar a month to get access to the Discord for five minutes. That's all you need. That's all you fucking need. We have the orgy dome.

Matt 1:05:21

Not all that's all you need to get to me. And then four dollars a month, of course, gets you epic bonus content. Which I guess, Eric, we do need to figure out a uh oat here uh for the old June. Oh, yes, we do. I guess we do. But um, but but beyond that, submit those questions. Call the Thought Line, Eric. What's the number?

Eric 1:05:43

The Thought Line is fucking they even gang, they even in the Discord blessing. They were trying to help you. They they try they were even trying to come up with like fun acronyms, which I'm not gonna insult anyone's intelligence by trying to look it up right now.

Matt 1:05:57

That is what, Eric, that is what the Discord. And listeners who are not patrons, that's what the Discord is all about. Me letting you down. People out here trying to help Eric know his own podcast a little bit.

Eric 1:06:15

You're out here becoming a father, and I'm out getting cigarettes on the Discord.

Matt 1:06:21

Eric, say it with me.

Eric 1:06:23

410. Okay, okay, man. Okay. 410. 410. 9. Yes. 7. No. 9. Wait. Hold on. You're going back to the first nine now? No, no, no. 410. 93. 93. Hold on. 410. No and no.

unknown 1:06:51

Fuck.

Matt 1:06:52

But it was a good try. 410-929. 929. 5329. Very nine heavy, Eric.

Eric 1:07:00

It was on Double Jeopardy last night.

Matt 1:07:02

9 Heavy. Remember that. 9 Heavy. That'll help you when you have to give it the 999. But until then, folks. Until then, and until next time for me and from all of us here at UN Ask for this. My name is Matt Jay. My name is Eric Poach. And listen, I'll be back.

Eric 1:07:22

But in the meantime. But uh here's some of the the phone acronyms that people came up with. 410 Wax Lawye, W-A-X-L-A-W-Y, 410 Y'all fax, which I do like a lot, Dan Craig. That's not bad. That's not bad. That's honestly really good.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:44

Not too bad.

Eric 1:07:44

Yeah. Oh, and those were the oh uh Oh, and those were the only things. Someone pitched 877 Toes Now. Not the number, but man, what if it was? Not the number, but how can we get it? But how can we sign up for it?

Matt 1:07:57

You call that. You summon the man, the myth, the legend. JG Toesworth. JG Toesworth. 877 Toes Now. And you know, Eric, you know, we've reached uh I know we've reached the end here, but I I just have to say, I feel like we've been stretching a little bit because I mean, from a content perspective, wouldn't it be awesome if the door opened right now?

SPEAKER_02 1:08:17

Oh my god. I mean, just think of the content. Exit pursued by Link. Come on. Exit pursued by baby.