149 | Mainlining Melatonin

This week, we're rounding up a series of questions regarding children's books, including Goodnight Moon, Winnie the Pooh, Five Little Ducks, and Mr. Brown (of mooing fame). But first: some dream analysis. 

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Transcript

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Cold Open

Eric 0:00

So mad. Mr. Pooch. Last night I had a dream. Okay. In this dream. And this I my my dreams go through phases in that for weeks, months at a time, they will take place in a sort of general. They're not, I don't, it's not like I have the same dream every night, but they will take place in a general sort of vibe or aesthetic for a while and then shift to something else. Interesting. For a while, I was in the what I call the conveyance meta. This was I was on boats, airplanes, cars. I was going somewhere and it was going awry. It was or it was going weird. Then I was in the city era where I was in this sort of amalgamation of Towson and Baltimore. Uh, and I was just like out and about in the city. And then I sort of started. I also had a bayou phase for a while there. I'm calling my bayou phase. So many biomes. Uh oh my god, you it it's on real.

Matt 1:12

Your dream took place on Fortnite Island.

Eric 1:16

I'm I'm out here just grittying on them. Yeah. The most recent meta. Uh-huh. It's sort of it's a weird mix. I am simultaneously, and it's just in that dream, knowing with a capital K that I am in what is both a hotel and our college and my high school. All like kind of like all together as one. Um and in this building in this in this sort of thing. Yeah, yeah. I got and I was dreaming, I was with Alyssa for a while, uh, a a little time in this dream, and we had a grand old time. But then Matt, towards the end of the dream, can't even remember everything else, got drowned out by this. I go to a window that is overlooking a courtyard, and in that courtyard is none other than Matt Shea. Oh, how you were in my dream, and we immediately, like, I'm up in a window, you're down on the ground in the courtyard, we immediately start doing some bit. We're just naturally like, and you're down on the ground, like, ah, poach, poach, I see you, poach, I'm gonna get you. And I'm like, ooh, don't you dare. And then you excitedly run.

Matt 2:31

See, I thought I'd do a Romeo type bit is my first impression, because you're up there on a balcony.

Eric 2:37

Honestly, not my best work. Like, it was it was it was not your subconscious' best work. Not my subconscious' best work. No, but you you excitedly like we're we're jazzed, we're having a great time, run into the building, and I I hear you like running up the stairwell, and I have thought, like, ooh, I'm gonna like press myself against this wall. So it's like that classic, like, you come into the room and I'm pressed up against the wall, like right next to the door, and I was gonna be like, I was gonna get you. Matthew, the second you cleared the doorway, yes, you immediately got a look of pure, unadulterated fury on your face, and you immediately started punching me in the face repeatedly. Okay. Your response. What do you have to say to the allegation?

Matt 3:24

I think it's fairly clear.

Eric 3:26

You hit me, you hit me in my dream, and I and it and it made me sad.

Matt 3:29

Yeah, you're upset. I understand, and you're asking me to interpret this. I got you. Yes. Be my dream doula. Your relationship with your father has always been a point of contention. I I've always felt. It always comes back to Rick. And you always have looked at me. I like to think as a father figure. You do fill that void in my life. Yes, yes. I'll be proud of you, even if no one else will. And that's what I tell folks.

Eric 3:58

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what you tell them?

Matt 4:01

When you show them videos of my recital, that's what I tell them. Always be proud of them. Yes, yes, absolutely. Somebody has to be. That's what I say. Yes, yes, good, good. Okay. This is some pieces are starting to fall into place. Yes. And I know what I'm talking about. I'm a father. You're a father. Have been for just over a hundred days now. My God. Yes, indeed.

Eric 4:24

They grow up Sophia. They grow up, Sophia.

Matt 4:27

Um, no, Eric, I don't. I mean, there was an episode like not like two episodes ago where I did mention wanting to punch you in the face more than I ever have before. You did. So maybe that's is that when you accepted the dream assault? Yeah, but I only thought once, like one good knock. Oh, it was you were throwing haymakers. And that's funny because you taught me how to throw a proper punch in college. And now I regret it.

Eric 4:57

Because now you're just gonna come into my dreams and hurt. You should.

Matt 5:00

I'm gonna lead those knuckles right into your eye socket.

Eric 5:03

You're gonna give me those two knuckles so you don't break your hand. Yeah, it's unfortunate. I've literally I have never I've seen you pissed off. I've seen you furious. Yeah, I have never in my life seen you as angry as you were the moment you you stepped you that I I entered your field of vision and was within punching range. Yeah.

Matt 5:26

It's giving me daddy issues, not gonna lie. It's giving you daddy issues. I'm very sorry, Eric. I you know, Eric, um, I think I I can apologize to you by letting you interpret one of my dreams recently. Okay. I ex- I I accept. You were not in this dream, I'm sorry to say. I fucking hate this, but my dad was. Okay. So it's it's tangentially related. So it we're in my house, and it is my house this time around. Like, it isn't like, oh, it's my house, but not really, you know.

Eric 5:58

No, you're like, oh, this isn't they.

Matt 6:00

The setting is correct. Um, and we had like a mouse problem. Okay, and we've had some mice recently in our uh crawl space, but like this was like a problem. Like, you know, they were all over and so I my dad offered to like come help, uh, like take care of it. And so my dad my dad shows up, and he just starts punching you in the face with a yeah, he shows up with you and you just start laying to my face.

Eric 6:29

Wailing on him.

Matt 6:30

No, he shows up with this big glass or like plastic tube. Okay, and inside, um, I I'm pretty sure what I actually pictured in the dream was a ferret, but he called it a mongoose. Okay. And so I'm gonna say the mongoose because that is important to the to the tale. And so he comes in and he's got this, and he's like, I went and got a mongoose for uh to get the mice. And don't worry, and he produces a long glass bottle that he says, and I brought the oil too. Okay, okay, and so I uh go upstairs uh uh to do something with uh uh my dad or some some some sort of preparations. I come back downstairs. Lindsay has already well, she's oiled up the mongoose. What more can I say? And so she so my dad comes down and he immediately goes into pissed off dad mode uh at Lindsay. At Lindsay, because he and and I quote, he said, You already greased up the mongoose. And he was like, Well, now we got we didn't even find the hole yet, and now the mongoose is greasy, he's all oiled, ready to go, he's slick. You're not gonna be able to hold on to that. So he's like, Well, we gotta find this hole. So we're walking around the crawl space looking for a hole to throw a mongoose down, and that that's the dream that I wanted to share.

Eric 8:04

So, Marcio, what we're experiencing is an internalization of your fears as a father. You the mongoose is not the mongoose, you see. The mongoose is you. The mongoose is you as a father being released upon your responsibilities to your child, aka the moose. The moose. The moose The Moose is your child, you are the mongoose and the grease represents your fear of your father's influence on you as a father. So when you have greased the mongoose preemptively, this creates anger and resentment between the father as you go into the differing parenting styles. You wish to murder your father. Ah Yeah, you want to kill your dad.

Matt 9:11

I didn't know that was related.

Eric 9:13

Yeah, it's it's weird. It always comes back to, you know, you want to try. Thank you, doctor. Bust a bust a cap in your dad's ass. Thank you. Are you saying my son's gonna try to kill me? Someone's gotta grease the mongoose, dog. Oh god, no. Yeah. No, it's the mongoose. I got it, I got that. Good, good, good, good.

Intro

Matt 9:45

Well, hello everybody, and welcome to You Didn't Ask for This. It's the podcast that answers life's least pressing questions. My name's Matthew Shea. My name is Eric Poach. Eric Poach, how are you?

Eric 10:02

Uh my bones they hurt. I bet they do. God, brother. I I was talking to Matt about this before the show. I, from fucking, from fucking crackass of dawn until like five o'clock, I was harvesting. I never want to look at another acorn squash again. My god.

Matt 10:25

Is it just as hard as it seems like it is from Farmville?

Eric 10:29

Having never played Farmville, I mean okay.

Matt 10:36

Oh, all right.

Eric 10:37

What about I I I I remember the time when Facebook would tell us your Farmville progress.

Matt 10:44

Yes. I followed your career with great interest. I never played it. Never touched the stuff. I never touched the stuff. Uh, I have had a passing interest, just a morbid curiosity in farming simulator.

Eric 10:58

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, like like straight up farming simulator. Yes, just because I'm like, what is it?

Matt 11:06

What could it possibly be? Because I discovered with gas station simulator. It could be a lot. It can be a lot. There's a whole mafia subplot to gas station simulator. But I don't think that's like hey, I think it's literally like flight simulator for but farm. Yeah. But but John Deere.

Eric 11:25

Like you got, yeah, you gotta navigate right to repair issues with your tractor. Interesting. Are you I don't know? Oh, I have no idea if this is the case. I think it would be a fucking ace of a game if that was part of it. I have no idea what that is. Uh right to repair is is a lot of like it's it's a it's a top, it's a rather like hot button topic for for many Americans, also many, many farmers and shit. You'll see, you'll notice that a lot of farmers use old, old, old, old, old ass tractors and equipment. It's because all the newer shit that like really big mega farms can afford, it it's a lot of like you can't actually repair your own shit anymore. Like you like, like it's it's like a computer. It's just like with car, it's it's like with cars, but it's like, oh, I need this to like actually like make my living and shit. And like fucking like and and a lot of the modern tractors, you have to take them into like the John Deere equivalent of a genius bar to get them to fix your shit.

Matt 12:32

And then yeah, but the John Deere equivalent of a genius bar. Fast a John Deerness bar. A John Deerness bar. Really good, Eric. Very, very good. Anytime you really have captured America's soul with this. I am America's darling. With well, yeah. Well, uh with this farming turn you've taken. Late, late stage farming. Some people do a heel turn.

Eric 13:01

I did a farm turn. You did a you did a blue collar turn into farmedom. I did. I have now been informed by some farmer friends that I am socially permitted to have a long piece of grass in my mouth. Nice. That sounds big. Yeah. That that is I I never wanted to ask. Yeah. So I was over. You don't want to presume. I don't want to presume.

Matt 13:24

No, you don't want to just stick the hay in there and see how it goes.

Eric 13:28

I don't want to put that cart before the horse.

Matt 13:30

I just and and also speaking of carts and horses and uh old ass farming equipment, don't forget that I grew up with a neighbor in a neighborhood that was surrounded by six Amish farms. Yes. So like I am very familiar with the like w looking at archaic farm equipment. Yep. Uh lit literally being pulled by mules with with a dog that won't have more than six months to it in all likelihood. Um the the Amish go through them dogs, man. They god, they do have that's not even a bit. No, they don't they they this isn't a bit. No. No, no.

Eric 14:10

If you talk yeah, uh for for anyone, it's kind of sad because the Amish don't view, they don't have like a beloved pet relationship with their animals. They have, oh, this is a piece of equipment.

Matt 14:23

No, just like all of just like themselves, they all work. Yeah.

Eric 14:27

Yeah. We work and then we die. Yes. Um we work and then we but what separates man from the animal is that we work, we feel bad, and then we die. Yes.

Matt 14:41

Are you saying the Amish don't feel bad? Because they they quite famously forgive people.

Eric 14:46

No, no, that's their that's what that's what that's what sets them apart from their equipment, aka Fido. Oh, I see.

Matt 14:54

I'm I misunderstood. We're getting into bummer territory. We're teetering on the edge of some bummerness. And I don't want to do that. As a dad, I feel like I gotta steer us into a better position and a better topic and a better vibe. Excellent segue, Matthew. Thank you, Eric. Yes, we have been given a number of, they've been floating in um tricking on in child, like literature-based questions.

Eric 15:24

Yes, beloved books from our childhood and yours, most likely.

Matt 15:28

You know, and adjacent type uh type nursery rhyme type questions and such. And so we've got a little collection here. Yeah, we're really trying to get ahead because these are gonna be conversations that you have to have with your kid.

Eric 15:40

Your kid's gonna ask these questions. Yes, and I think is going to ask these questions.

Matt 15:44

I gotta practice now on content. You gotta be ready. So I'm ready for him. Because as I was saying to you, Eric, we're getting to the point with uh our son, which always feels so like super real when we say that, as opposed to like our baby, our son. My son. Um but like he is getting to the point where he is like you can actually when you're reading him a story and you're showing him pictures, he is actually looking at them now. Like, you know, like he is not just like here I am and I'm mostly talking to myself.

Eric 16:19

Uh-huh.

Matt 16:20

He is now engaging in this. He can see the book. Yeah. Yeah. Systems are coming online over here. Oh, and so I read Green Eggs and Ham the other day, and for the first time today.

Eric 16:33

Which, first of all, I I know I've said this to you before, but I'm just gonna reiterate for our audience at home. This kid is going to be Matt's going to ruin this kid. Like, like ruin all other, every teacher, every every other adult in this kid's life is going to be ruined for this kid because he has Matt Shea reading him stories.

Matt 16:56

I'm gonna make sure of it. My God. One of my biggest questions, my biggest debates as I read these stories. For example, I have all four of the Frog and Toad books. Nice, classic. Yeah, we're on the third. And so my big thing is like, well, I have to I'm locked in to the voices I used in the first book of Frog and Toad. Yeah. Or do I switch up these voices? And Frog and Toad's one thing. We're we're going through it for the first time. He was really into the old green eggs and ham, and uh Sam, I am there.

Eric 17:32

Oh, yeah.

Matt 17:32

And so I he was so into it that I just uh when we finished it, I just flipped that bad boy back over and started again.

Eric 17:40

Oh, yeah, man. His his short-term memory's still coming online to milk that shit.

Matt 17:46

And I said to myself, do I do the same? Do I do it the same way that it did? Because here's how I read it.

Eric 17:52

Yeah.

Matt 17:52

I'm gonna tell you, I gave me a sample. I gave Sam I Am, I gave him a voice a little like this. Okay. That's how I gave Sam I Am. But I gave I I for I I don't think he ever says his name, but the main the guy saying everything in the book, I gave him like this sort of Ian McKellen meets.

Eric 18:15

Meets uh I don't know. Uh I I love the gravitas of who I'm just gonna now refer to as the plaintiff of Sam I Am. I do not like them in a box.

Matt 18:26

I do not like them with a fox. I do not like them in a tree. I this is how I this is how we do not like green eggs, eggs and ham. I do not like like. Oh, I love that. I I did that. And then when I went to do it a second time, I was like, do I do I do a complete reversal? And am I this time like, I don't like them, Sam I am. I don't like them green eggs and ham. I don't like them here, I don't like them there. I don't like them in it. But I am basically doing this. I read the three little pigs not too long ago, and I did read the pig as a fucking Brooklynite kind of old gangster mafioso guy. You know, love it. And I definitely went off script. I was like, well, yeah, I'm gonna you better believe I'm gonna huff. Or when I'm done huffing, I'm gonna puff. I'm off and I'm puffing. I'm off and I'm puffing. What are you doing? I'll tell you what, evacuating out the back door. This is how I am operating when I'm reading these nursery times. So, what do you think? Do I do I have to keep a canon or do I can I mix it up every time?

Eric 19:46

Establish the sacred timeline now. Because I feel like there will be a time where he's like, that's not how you read it. Oh, there will be. And and so you want to try. This is Matt, we are in the workshopping phase. I see. Because right now, like you really do just you're holding a but like a bundle of nervous system that is just these noises make happy, these noises make sad. And really just kind of like playing in that space. I also do want to say, I like I don't know feedback. This is good feedback. As you're as you're describing this journey of yours, I just can't help but imagine you're talking to your kid like they're a casting director. Like, okay, so I can take that again. Do you want me to uh maybe we like oh switch it up, switch it up? Uh oh, do the thing where you like made the noise with your mouth real good. That made that really that real I really lean. Oh, yeah.

Matt 20:39

Yeah, you're talking about Oh, that's the stuff. Yeah, he does fucking love that part. Yeah, of course he does. That was a good raspberry right there in the chest.

Eric 20:48

I I feel we are not yet at the gotta lock it in phase. Okay. Now I'd say once once you find something that works, like once you've got like do note that in your mind, palace. Like, okay, this is what this is what respondents really leaned into, but then still play. Like, I think until the kid is able to tell you, like, do the other one, just play.

Matt 21:16

I like that, Eric. Thank you. Keep you sharp. This is good. This is good feedback. You've kept me grounded. You've kept me eyeing the prize here. I appreciate that about you. An actor prepares, Matt.

Eric 21:29

Yes. He prepares on stairs, he prepares in pears. He prepares with some hairs. He prepares with pears for some hairs. An actor does prepare, Sam I am.

Matt 21:43

Our

Goodnight Nobody?

Matt 21:44

first question. Our first question. It comes from Grant in the Discord. Uh Grant. Hey, uh, while the book is mostly calming, I find the Goodnight Nobody page of Goodnight Nobody. Moon mysterious and unnerving. So my question is, what is the lore here? Why are we saying goodnight to nobody? Now, Eric, I don't know I don't know the last time you read the old goodnight moon there. Let me see if I can pull up the page for you. Yeah, the page in question.

Eric 22:29

Here it is.

Matt 22:30

Let me uh let me see if I can Oh yeah. Yeah. It is so for for your um edification, everyone. The goodnight m nobody page is a blank page.

Eric 22:47

Just good night nobody, bottom left corner, blankness. And worth noting, it's next to the goodnight mush page.

Matt 22:55

Yes. The so we have and the other things that are being uh you know goodnighted are uh a rabbit, uh the a red balloon, a pair of socks, the rabbit's dollhouse, a bowl of mush, an old woman, an older female anthropomorphic rabbit who apparently says hush. So uh I have a problem with this because the word they've put is mush. Mush M-U-S-H. But the hush implies you want me to say mush.

Eric 23:31

Which is what you yell at Balto when he's pulling your sled in an historic heartwarming race.

Matt 23:38

Yes.

Eric 23:38

It's not what I what I what I eat when I'm sad.

Matt 23:43

Yes, so there's there's also kittens, a mouse, uh, you know, all these various uh things, and of course the moon. But there is, however, Goodnight Nobody, a a blank page just before the mush. Just before the mush.

Eric 24:02

You're coming into a cold, Eric. What do you make of it? Here is my coming into a cold, here's my hot take. This book hinges on this page. This bookes on the page. Hinges on this page. And when I say hinges, I mean the artistic integrity of Good Night Moon hinges on the nobody page. Because it's teaching children a very valuable lesson. That valuable lesson is that not that uh there's nobody to say goodnight to, it's that we live in a world, Matt, that is full of the unexplainable, the unknowable. Yes. Like like it is teaching kids from a very early age that there are things they will never be able to comprehend or perceive. I like that. And that e and that showing deference to that, like respecting that truth in goodnight, nobody, it to me it says, I am saying goodnight to I am express like it is the is the emanation of loving kindness, even when I don't know that anybody is around. Who are you when nobody's watching that? Do you say goodnight?

Matt 25:20

I am picturing you as a father. Yeah. This is how you read in Goodnight. I'm explaining this to the baby. You hit this page and you just go down into this territory. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And brother, let me tell you, not so much these days, because again, systems are coming online, but like month one, uh-huh, I in, you know, when he's waking up every 16 minutes or so, uh, you know, and we're up in the middle of the night for long, long, long stretches of time. I I would you just read whatever. Like at a certain point, you know. What I started to do, Eric, was I went to Wikipedia Donate today, and I would pull up the events that happened, you know, on this day, and I'd scroll all the way back to the bottom, all the way to the furthest BC we got, and I would just read that. And I would read them all as like, in this kind of because I'm still trying to get you to go to sleep. Yeah. So when Alexander the Great sacked Alexandria, you know, like just planting those seeds now. Yeah, and I I would take little asides to be like, uh, so uh, and you're gonna you're gonna want to know about Vatican City. There's it's a complicated thing. It is a country, the smallest one. Smallest one.

Eric 26:42

And it has the highest percentage of dead popes per capita.

Matt 26:45

And it uh in in many ways has great influence on the world. Um you just I'm not saying anything about what you have to subscribe to. I'm just saying you're gonna want to know about it. Gonna want to know about Vatican City. And while we're on the topic of uh things you're gonna want to know about, Napoleon in 17 so the this is how I would lull my child to sleep. Yeah. Um, and so I but I see you doing that now with picture books. I see you with, but why why does the pigeon want to drive the bus? The digginist dog, my son.

Eric 27:25

What is he digging towards? What drives him?

Matt 27:29

What drives the pigeon to drive the bus? Who can say?

Eric 27:33

Who indeed? Who indeed? Who stands the most to gain, my son? Oh, I'm gonna I'm gonna be the the uh I would be like the evil vizier to like it. Yes, you would.

Matt 27:49

What does the cat have in his hat, after all? Why does he want to paint everything pink? I would I would gream a lot. Well, thing one and thing two, simply slaves.

Eric 28:08

Yeah, yeah. That that is the vibe. I you because it's can you call it children's literature if there isn't an element of menace?

Matt 28:17

We're gonna get you in here to read my child some nursery rides. Oh, I will absolutely I will read this. Not gonna run that by the child's mother. I'm just gonna. Oh no, yeah. You come you can come in anytime and lecture.

Eric 28:31

And that that is the moment Matt became a father.

Matt 28:34

Thank you.

Eric 28:35

Thank you.

Matt 28:37

Fuck yeah. First hundred days down, and I finally got there. Yeah. So, but but to go back to goodnight nobody for a second. I do think because you're like, oh, good night this, good night that, good night, moon. And this is a, by the way, I have since learned this is a popular uh put the putting the baby down technique for establishing a routine of like it is bedtime. We're gonna go around your room and be like, good night, clock, good night, teddy bear, good night. And so we're all doing it. Peer pressure your kid. And everybody's doing it. You want to be cool, don't you? You want to set it. It's mostly about the routine. It's like setting up the routine. These are things that I've learned, Eric.

Eric 29:20

Yeah.

Matt 29:21

I'm not advocating for anything.

Eric 29:22

Approach your child with sleep as if you are a drug dealer in a dare commercial.

Matt 29:27

Yeah.

Eric 29:28

Come on, man. Don't you want to hit this?

Matt 29:33

I love that somehow you got there out of goodnight, teddy bear. Good night, teddy bear. Good night. Changing table. We're mainlining melatonin, man. Good night, diaper genie. Be seeing you later. Embrace oblivion. By the way, fucking shout out to the diaper genie. Gotta be a lifesaver. Yes. You know. Glorified trash can, they said. Uh-uh. That thing is indeed magical. Yes. It it just you slide the thing in and it seals the curse away. It seals that curse away. It's beautiful. Um good night, nobody. Good night, nobody. I think what people find so jarring about it is you are saying these like, oh, good night, this, good night this random object, random object. Good night, nobody. And there's nobody on the page. It does force you to sort of be like, what? Like, even if I'm the baby.

Eric 30:35

It's like it's like a fucking M night shaman.

Matt 30:38

Wait, what? So I think, I think, I'm not 100% sure. Yeah. I don't think this is me being funny fictionally on the show. I think the way I read it when I read Goodnight Moon to the boy for the first time is blah-buh, goodnight, moon, good night, good night. And I it because it also catches you, the narrator, off guard. Yeah. And I think I went, goodnight, turn to sun, nobody. Nobody.

Eric 31:07

This is priming the pump for R.L. Stein. Yeah, baby.

Matt 31:12

And I've already I professionally narrated a goosebumps for Attack of the Phantom, I believe.

Eric 31:20

One day that that's gonna be good to know in a pinch. You just have a whole goosebumps in the chamber.

Matt 31:26

Hell yeah. It is it is only available on the Bard app at the moment. Um and actually only will be. It was recorded specifically for the Bard app. But the that's what I'm saying. I as I'm doing these audiobooks, because I got another one that I just got. Yeah, I have thought that like my kid could listen to these one day. Well that's gonna hit different. They gotta be good. They gotta be good. I'm not just showing up for a paycheck, I'm showing up for my boy. And for your children as well, listeners. I'm I I'll uh and you. That's why I'm I recorded for you. I don't know. I don't know what this tangent is.

Eric 32:04

He's out here every day. Every goddamn day he just gives us take after take after take. Trying, you know? It's not really take after take after take with an audiobook because he'll never finish. So you just gotta kind of commit. So, our next question.

Matt 32:25

Yeah, I

Why Winnie The Pooh...the Pooh?

Matt 32:26

think it's time for the next question. Good night, nobody. Good night, nobody. This comes from Jennifer. It was texted to me. What is the poo and why is Winnie called that? And first off, fucking chill out.

Eric 32:43

Everybody. Just stop. Just stop. Just fucking for five seconds.

Matt 32:52

What where is this? Where is this coming from, Eric? This agitation. Because I know what they want me to say.

Eric 32:58

I know where their dirty little pervert minds went. I know our listeners. I know they're fucking degenerates. That's who we market towards. That that should be the tagline of the show. One of the taglines of the show. Like, you didn't ask for this. We market to degenerates, like you.

Matt 33:15

So, Eric, what is I don't follow. One, what kind of filth do you have in mind?

Eric 33:22

I'm not even gonna go there. I'm not even gonna, I'm not even gonna approach it. I'm not even gonna touch it. I'm I'm going to take a little a little a little sip of what we call artistic integrity, and I want to explore this question outside the realm of our listeners' dirty, perverted desires. All right. Where do you want to take us? I think for me, he's called the Pooh because when you look at him, when you look at little Pooh Bear and his little little little shirt doesn't fit over his tummy, his winny the poo bear in it all over the place, with little elbow deep in his little jar of honey, two ends and a Y. Okay. There's like an onomatopoeia that comes into my brain. Because you ever look at somebody and you just there's a sound you associate with them. Yes. Like like there's a sound that they're and not like a sound that sounds like don't think about what sound do you associate with me.

Matt 34:19

Don't think about it.

Eric 34:20

Okay.

Matt 34:20

Say it now. Fuck. That was the sound. Yeah, no, I know. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Wow. Um I I both am like impressed and uh hurt. What's mine? Go.

Eric 34:42

Yeah, no, that's that's fair. That is uh that is fair.

Matt 34:47

That that doesn't even fully hit with the audience because folks.

Eric 34:51

So you don't have to edit them out of every episode.

Matt 34:53

You don't know how how much per episode I edit out up.

Eric 34:58

Matt, let me give you a treat. For the next, like, give yourself a break as you're editing this. For the next 10 minutes, leave them in. Next let them do. Next 10 minutes, just leave them in. Okay. No one enjoys it. You that's why I edit them out. Folks, call on in, call the thought line, 410-529. Nope. Nope. 929-5329. I got there.

Matt 35:20

410-929-5329.

Eric 35:23

Yeah. 410-929-5329. Uh, call let me let me know. Let me know how you feel about my lip smacks. And I just want to be perfectly clear in case you don't know what I look like. These lips, they're smacking. They're made for smacking. Kissing? Doing one of these.

Matt 35:44

The mill Milney did explain. I'm getting this from a mental floss article. Okay. He would explain in the first chapter of the first Winnie the Pooh book, quote, I'm quoting here, but his arms were so stiff, they stayed up straight in the air for more than a week. And whenever a fly came and settled on his nose, he had to blow it off. And I think, but I am not sure that that is why he is always called Pooh. He's going poo. What the fuck does that mean? Oh, it means poo. So you're saying he's going poop.

Eric 36:20

Well, see, that's what I mean. Like the sound I associate with Winnie is like I look at him and in my mind I just hear poo. Like you look at him and your brain just goes like it's almost a coup. It's like it's a coo. It's a cuter, it's like a cuter and like in an endearing way, more pathetic kind of coup. Yes. That's a good way to describe it. Yeah. That is a good way to describe it. Uh but but but that is so that is so so the author, the the the what the uh the Watsonian answer to this question is that he goes to scare off a fly. I guess I guess he just figured that's how you it's like how can I it's actually kind of brilliant because you're like, how can I convey that this is the least threatening creature in in God's creation? And and uh you do that by when he goes to get a fly away from him, he just goes poo like that's that's what he can bring to muster.

Matt 37:20

Absolutely, and I think he oh bother like he's he's a delightful little guy, he's got but he ain't hurting nobody, nobody ain't hurting.

Eric 37:37

Not even a fly. No, because what fly is dying to fly equivalent of slipping in the shower. Eric, I think you hit it real quick. Um I just fucking blasted it out of the fucking universe. All right, because I'm not going there, y'all.

Matt 37:55

Stop, get out of my inbox with it. And we haven't gotten there yet, but the when we really get into the Winnie the Pooh meta, I the Pooniverse. I am very the Poohiverse, yeah, I'm very excited, very excited to get to the point where I can uh really explore the space with Eeyore. Oh, you have there's such fertile ground because I I and it should come as no surprise to the folks listening to this podcast. I am Eeyore. You are so Eeyore coded, and I say that with such respect and reverence. He truly is a spirit animal. I know that's not a phrase we like to say anymore. I know that.

Eric 38:41

No, you're an Eeyore moon, you're a rabbit rising.

Matt 38:45

Um, sure. Um okay. Now I'm dropping a link for uh reference for our next question. Because I want to, as is always the case when those topics come up, I want to move on as soon as possible. Yes. Um,

Mr Brown Makes Thunder and....menace?

Matt 39:01

so Mr. Brown. We're talking about Mr. Brown can moo, can you by the one and only Theodore Seuss Geisel? Mr. Brown, he can make thunder? Question. That's a question from me, and it comes from the page Boom Boom Boom. Mr. Brown is a wonder. Boom, boom, boom. Mr. Brown makes thunder. And Eric, you can see on the page here. It looks upsetting for everyone involved. Lightning's coming seemingly coming out of him.

Eric 39:33

Yeah, and and animals are fleeing the scene.

Matt 39:37

Yeah, that's a bird and a rabbit, in case you've fallen out of familiarity with the illustrations of Dr. Seuss. Yep, yep, yep. They don't look like those things.

Eric 39:48

I I recognize no, they look like medieval renderings of those things. Kind of like look like how they drew cats. That's how my boy Ted does it. Teddy, Teddy don't, Teddy, Teddy don't mess around with all of that. Eric, you gotta get back into Seuss, my guy. I I gotta get back into Seuss. I gotta get back on the wagon. Mr. Brown's out here making thunder, though. He's straight up making thunder, but in the in the illustration, it's straight up lightning. That's true. And on the next page, it says, you know, he makes thunder, boom, boom, boom, and he makes lightning. Splat, splat, splat. And I do have questions. Okay. Because because boom, boom, boom, Mr. Brown is a wonder. Boom, boom, boom, Mr. Brown makes thunder. Okay, booming thunder. Then when he's like, he makes lightning splat, splat, splat. Mm-hmm. And it's very, very hard to make a noise like that.

Matt 40:44

Very good, Eric. Very good. Very good reading. I will say, is there something darker here? Because on the page we're looking at, Mr. Brown is, first of all, his body is off the ground. It's off the ground. And look at his torso, Eric. It is, it is literally waving back and forth.

Eric 41:04

Yeah, it is like a sound wave.

Matt 41:06

Yes. So I think the thunder and lightning are both coming out of him. Splat, splat, splat. Do I have to say again there is a bunny and a bird fleeing the scene, Eric? Is he smiting these creatures? Is he smiting these creatures?

Eric 41:21

I think he is a wonder. He is like like he is both great and terrible to behold. Oh, Eric. Is it the big G-O-D?

Matt 41:32

Oh, it's Mr. Brown God, no doubt. No. Is that what you're getting at? Is Mr. Brown the Alpha and Omega?

Eric 41:42

I honestly like I would classify him just based on what I'm seeing here as a minor god. Oh, okay. Because like he still he has to physically manifest in order to to create lightning. He has to like come down to the realm of mirror. Like true, like capital G gods, like at a certain point, it's like you can't like I can't become an ant. You know what I mean?

Matt 42:08

Yeah, but if he's smiting things, that's very old testament. That's very old testament. But now that's not to say that Norse gods and Roman gods and Greek gods didn't smite things. He could be Ryden. Could be.

Eric 42:24

But yeah, I and all but also he looks. So here's the thing. He his face in this image. Yeah. What he has no eyes. He has what appear to be eyebrows. Or are those his eyes and they are closed? Okay, now I'm seeing it. Now I'm seeing it. So yeah, he so he he just does not he doesn't look like he's enjoying what he's doing.

Matt 42:52

No, and I I don't think this is necessarily related, but I I think it begs the comparison here a little bit, as we're looking at this image. He doesn't not look like Adolf Hitler. Someone had to say it. Someone had to say it, and Seuss very famously attacked Adolf Hitler in other political cartoons very directly. Oh, yeah. Mr. Brown is famously wearing all brown, and again, lightning is coming out of him. Uh-huh. Is this potentially something more serious? Something more metaphorical.

Eric 43:34

Is this is this the next level of Seuss?

Matt 43:39

Now, like, what is the also sometimes he does that? You have to know that, Eric. You've you know the Lorax. Oh, yeah. We go deep. The very, very thinly veiled Butter battle book.

Eric 43:54

Oh, and the starbellied sneeches, we're tackling racism. Butter battle book is called straight up the cold. War. Oh, is it? I've never read the Butter Battle book. The Butter Battle Book is straight up the Cold War. Okay.

Matt 44:06

Okay. The battle of the Butter Battle Bulge. And Eric, I can't b uh in many ways I can't believe I'm saying this, but you gotta read the Butter Battle book. I gotta read the Butter Bell book. That is one of the best Zeus books. It sounds pretty dope. Yeah. I like me a good butter battle. It is. It the the main character is General Genghis Khan Schmidt's. Okay. So yeah, a little. Yeah. It's great. Fucking the two sides are butter side up and butter side down. You have to know that. You have to know that at least, right?

Eric 44:45

You've seen Seusical at the least. I have never seen Sousical the musical. Eric. I know. Mr. Poach. I know, dawg.

Matt 44:54

We gotta get you to a Susical. I gotta, I gotta get right. Now listen, Sousical gets a lot of hate. It is undeserving. If you see a bad production of Souscle, it's gonna be bad. There's no doubt about it. Yeah. But a Susicle done right, oh, it's it there are haunting moments in Sousical. Yeah. Straight up haunting moments. Specifically, the one I'm thinking there's a whole thing where where Horton uh finds the Who's and he's hearing, he's hearing them. He's hearing them. And in but they have to they have to wrap everything up. You know, it's a it's they're playing all the hits. So they they're like, oh, here's all the things in Hooville. And also, oh, the Grinch comes down every year. And like that's the only the it's just a quick cameo appearance by the Grinch. You go, oh, everybody loves me. Remember when I stole Christmas? And like, but then then so we're having fun. We're doing I'm gonna send you this when we're done. Okay, good. We're having fun, we're doing all this stuff, and then all of a sudden, and the first time I saw this on stage, it was it was so creepy. All the lights come down, all like, and everybody like so it's a big number. Everybody's having fun. Yeah, it's all Hooville, and then everybody slowly turns and goes, but on the other side of town, the Truffula trees were all cut down. Oh no.

Eric 46:18

No one stood tall in all their glory. But that's another story. They just allude to the dark menace of seeing every good story has menace.

Matt 46:33

The productions that I saw had a silhouette on a scrim of the Lorax fade up and then fade away. Oh my god! I'm telling you, it's so good. Just a quick, quick offshoot to talk about the the wonders of Zeusical. Shout out to Steustical for the musical for queuing up a prequel. It's so great. And then Sala Salou is all about broken dreams. Uh oh my god, it's really fun. It's fun for the kids, it's fun for you. So what I'm trying to say.

Eric 47:10

Um trying to get at is Mr. Brown is both God and Hitler. He can't be both. He can't he can't be both. We gotta go. No, this is what brings us eventually. This is where we start, so that way when they get to the golden compass, they understand that the child understands that you must kill God. Is is the yes, is that the commentary? The commentary you have to you have to kill God because it will become Hitler over you.

Matt 47:37

Because if a man is allowed to become God or pursuit. Power corrupts. Pursuit. Yes, that says it so much better than I was ever going to.

Eric 47:48

All power corrupts. Mr. Brown is not exempt.

Matt 47:52

Absolutely. Corrupts, absolutely, that is.

Eric 47:55

Ooh, nice.

Matt 47:59

Thank you. Okay, we really went off the rails with that

Five Little Ducks and Parental favorites

Matt 48:03

one. Let's try to get back on track with Zachy D. Zachy D. The other father for me.

Eric 48:11

Nice. I have two dads. And Zach.

Matt 48:15

In the we would be such a good team, Zach. Oh my god. In the nursery rhyme Five Little Ducks, why does Mother Duck wait until the sixth day to be sad and wander off looking for her little ducks? Eric, do you need some help here with five little ducks?

Eric 48:33

I I honestly I do. Never got read it read to me as a child. Never got read to you as a child. I'm familiar with the concept of the idea of the story. Yes. I know there's a story called the Five Little Ducks, Mother Duck, Baby Ducks, where's my ducks?

Matt 48:50

Yes, but and this is what this is what he's saying is because one little okay, so here we go. Walk me through it. Five little ducks went out one day over the hill far away. Mother duck said, quack, quack, quack, quack. But only four little ducks came back. One, two, three, four. We're learning to count. Four little ducks went out one day over the hill far away. Mother duck said, quack, quack, quack, quack, but only three little ducks went back. And so on and so forth.

Eric 49:18

So in on the fifth day, she created the heavens and the earth.

Matt 49:24

One little duck went out one day, over the hill, far away. Mother duck said, quack, quack, quack, quack. But none of the five little ducks came back. Sad mother duck went out one day over the hill and far away. Mother duck said, quack, quack, quack, quack, and all five of the ducks came back. So thank god. Oh my god. But I think so. What Zang is asking is why'd she wait? What's why was she s content with all the others? And I think there's an obvious answer here. Oh go on, Matthew.

Eric 49:56

That last one's the favorite. Oh yeah. So this could be a commentary on toxic motherhood. Uh no, I I I think I think Lindsay needs to hear this. Oh. Oh, you do.

Matt 50:13

As a warning. I didn't say anything.

Eric 50:16

First of all, we only got the First off, you need four more kids. We're gonna need four more kids. Four more kids. We gotta get going. And then we need to address that how toxic it is that you have five kids in today's economy, in today's world, society. No, Dr. Lindsay Arbar is a radiant shining goddess, and I will never hear otherwise. Uh no, but this could be is this a commentary on narcissistic parents? On on the on the parent that does not see their children until they're no longer under the domain of her control. As long as she has her precious favorite, all is well, she's grounded.

Matt 51:01

I'm sure the others will come back.

Eric 51:02

They're all jans, but one Marsha, four jans. Oh, we're it and it doesn't it always come back to fucking Marsha? And always comes back to fucking Marsha. And once once the golden child is impacted, that's when she's sad, and that's when she's like, okay, I want all of my children back now. And she didn't really she didn't really do anything. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like, she just did what she's been doing for five days now, and it just worked. It took five days for her to go, what the fuck?

Matt 51:32

Where are my children? Where are these damn kids? These damn kids.

Eric 51:36

I I could also offer an Una reverse to this. Oh, okay. Maybe it's because she's a single fucking mom doing her best. Oh, hello. Maybe it's because she's out here. I don't I'm sorry, where the fuck is Father Duck?

Matt 51:50

Fucking gone. Gone. Oh, by the way, uh, in Becoming a Parent, I'm discovering all the classic children's literature that my wife was not was not read, does not know. And one of those chief among them being, are you my mother? She she did not we went into that cold her not knowing. Was she sobbing by the end of it? She was like, Oh my god. Yeah. I'm like, yeah, it's a story of everyone being like, fuck you, kid. Have you hit her with giving tree yet? Is she even ready for that? I don't know. She might she might be familiar with the giving tree because that's a little older. That's a little bit older. Yeah, the giving the giving tree, that's that's uh that's that's that's punching at a sixth grade level. That's definitely punching at a sixth grade level. You shouldn't be punching sixth graders, though.

Eric 52:39

Ah, but I'm gonna do that.

Matt 52:40

I thought you gave up the karate life. But it never gave me up. You gonna teach my kid karate?

Eric 52:47

I will absolutely teach your kid karate.

Matt 52:49

Are you black belt? Yeah. Still like to this day. Yeah. Do you have to like resert every couple of years or something? Yeah, that's for life. Oh, it never leaves you. Yeah. When was the last time you black belted? When's the last time you laid your hands on someone?

Eric 53:03

Matt.

Matt 53:04

Where are you going?

Eric 53:06

It is literally within arm's reach of me.

Matt 53:09

Well, it should be, Eric. Yes. And Eric is proudly whipping his uh black belt at me. But I'm saying, when was the last time, Eric, you practiced your art? Matt. You stopped practicing.

Eric 53:21

I didn't. I'm asking, when was the last time? Matt, I'm doing an ocular pat down of you right now, and then I'm commencing so I'm running I feel violent. And yeah, five moves. Five moves on the move. Five moves on me? Yeah, the first four were just me showing off, and then I was like, and then you're down. You gonna give me a real answer to this or no? Oh, the last time I actually practiced like Marley was probably when I was still teaching, and that would have been around 2013.

Matt 53:48

So this is what I'm saying.

Eric 53:50

If you walked into the dojo, yeah, I would still be recognized as a black belt. And and what would happen logistically speaking?

Matt 53:57

Yeah, if somebody was like, oh, a black belt, cool, let's let's duel. And then and then they're like, oh, old man. Uh I who's this old guy?

Eric 54:10

Who's this geriatric black belt? Who's this piece of shit I'm about to beat to death with my bare hands? Um, no, so what would happen logistically is if I if I go to uh another karate school and they are under the international body of Taekwondo, I just go like bam, you're like they they they probably would they might ask to see my certificate or my credentials, but like I'm I'm literally like they could look me up in a database and be like, okay, yeah.

Matt 54:40

Oh, they do okay. There is a database.

Eric 54:41

Oh, it's like an international database. I don't know if it's public, but like they're not gonna be able to do they can track it, you people. They can pull up my records and be like, oh, okay, you are a black belt. And I would be afforded, you know, privileges, respect, yada yada yada. Like I would be acknowledged as a black belt, but practically speaking, it would be like, oh yes, you're a black belt. Come join our class. And also, we're gonna show you all the shit you need to know. Like, like in terms of like the various like katas and forms and shit, like all the stuff that like I have do not have memorized anymore. Um they they would they would be they would be realistic about it. They're like, oh, you haven't done this in like 13 years? Uh let's knock the rust off. I see. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would, it would, it would, it would they'd be cool about it. They'd be cool, yeah. They'd be cool about it. They're not like, oh, okay.

Matt 55:35

I'm searching a taekwondo database right now for Kookywan is the name of the organization. Okay, well, in taekwondo data.com, you didn't come up. Damn.

Eric 55:46

Well, you got me. So there's no proof. There's no proof that I was ever a karate man. That you ever were a karate man with a karate van. Oh, yeah. There's also like any Matt, this may come as a shock to you too. Anyone can say they're a karate school, and anyone can hand you a black belt and say you're a black belt now.

Matt 56:04

No, it doesn't really come as a shock to me, my man.

Eric 56:06

No, okay.

Matt 56:07

No.

Eric 56:08

But uh all that say, yeah, I'll teach a kid how to fight. Nice. Yeah. Because that's that is the cool part, is I I I can't remember all the form shit. I sure as shit still know how to fight. A bit of violence from the boy. I will absolutely be the pie may to your child's bride. Like from Kill Bill. From Kill Bill.

Matt 56:28

Yeah, yeah. It took me a minute. It took me a minute to call up the reference.

Eric 56:32

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Matt 56:33

But I got there.

Eric 56:34

Yeah, I will teach the boy the five-fingered. Sorry. I was like, I'll teach you the five-fingered death punch.

Matt 56:40

I don't know where you're going with that, but that was an unfortunate place to pause.

Eric 56:44

Meant to say the five-point palm exploding heart technique. Sorry, I'm rusty.

Matt 56:47

It's been 13 years since I've had to unleash it. I get it. I get it, man. There's uh listen, because as we all know, I still to this day am an Eagle Scout. But give me the sound. It already played her. Oh, I know. But I can't pretend like I know all them knots. You know what I'm saying? Oh, oh, don't exactly.

Eric 57:07

But you're an Eagle Scout for a life.

Matt 57:10

Some of them knots I got. But but others. Others. Sure, you're a Sash and Dasher. Yeah, but that's that's related to the order there, Eric. That's that's different. That's the Scout Secret Society. Sorry. I'm sorry. And I am a Sash and Dasher, and I don't hide it. No, you should be proud of your betrayal. I'm not proud of it, and for that reason, I typically, when I would wear my class A uniform, I would not always include my OA sash because I felt it was disrespectful. Stolen valor. Stolen valor. Stolen valor. Not that it is. There's no requirement that I go to OA meetings, you son of a bitch. I did my survival in the woods. I got my sash. I earned that sash. I built a shelter out in the fucking woods. Brother.

Eric 57:56

Yeah, I'm look, man.

Matt 57:58

Not everybody has to be this crazed person who's going down, getting eagle palms, and doing all this extra vision quests, doing ayahuasca rituals with the with the den fathers. Yeah, that sounds way better than everything that I was actually alluding to.

Eric 58:13

That would have been pretty sick. What is that bad? What does the ayahuasca badge look like?

Matt 58:18

That would have gotten you into scouts. Oh, that absolutely.

Eric 58:22

The third eye badge? Are you kidding me?

Matt 58:25

Let's get your foraging badge today, children.

Eric 58:28

Oh, dude. Also, uh tangent to the tangent. Alyssa uh from like a like it was like a thrift store or consignment shop or something, got a hold of like 50-year-old, not sorry, not even 50 years, sorry, like 80-year-old Girl Scout like sashes with the badges still on them. Very funny. And the Girl Scout badges go hard. There's one that was just like two praying hands and like what appeared to be a drop of blood. We got one like that. Oh we got one like that. I I feel like one of the coolest jobs in the world is coming up with the art for the badges.

Matt 59:07

Uh Eric, I think what there's an oops all tangents in here where we just go through some some merit bad. Uh yep, noted. Go through we could go through mine. Oh, brother, yes! I got my sash in.

Eric 59:20

Oops all tangents. Please subscribe to the Patreon today. For one dollar a month, you get access to the Discord. For $4 a month, you get Discord access. And monthly bonus content in the form of oops all tangents, where we will discuss Matt's secret merit badges.

Matt 59:33

That's absolutely true. And I think that's a great time to transition right into the business.

Eric 59:39

Also, just to put a button on it, Mother Duck, single mom doing the best she can. Get off her fucking back. Get off her fucking back. A single mom who works two jobs.

Matt 59:50

Quacking nine, two, five. Ooh. Just sort of combining the country singers there. R.I.P. Dolly Parton.

Eric 59:59

Pour one out, Dolly Parton. Pour one out. Not an American icon. An American fucking legend.

Matt 1:00:06

An American legend and truly a world legend. I mean, just I literally could have been a billionaire if she wanted to years and years ago, but no, she wanted to help kids read. Take a fucking note. Looks like the little engine that could. Looks like the little engine that would. Ooh. Hello. Ooh. Don't know what it means. Chill. My son is squirming on my monitor, so we better move. Listen, folks, we need your questions. We need you to send them to us at unaskforthis at gmail.com. That's all spelled out. Or you can submit them directly on the website at unaskforthis.com. It's new, it's shiny. It's got some grand brand spanking new merch. And you get 20 brand.

Eric 1:00:56

And you get 20% off of that merch when you get the four dollar tier of our Patreon.

Matt 1:01:00

Hello. And Eric already said the Patreon comes with the bonus episodes, oops, all tangents, and some other bonus episodes sprinkled in here and there. You never know when they'll show up. And um the uh thought line, Eric, where they can leave a f voicemail full of thoughts. What's the number telling now? 410-929-5329. Hello, there it is. Very good, Eric. Listen, I think we've done a great job today. Uh, I'm looking forward to visiting f future uh questions related to uh you know nursery rhymes and the such. Yeah.

Eric 1:01:33

Oh my god. Yeah. Give us give us all your we'll we will deep dive this shit.

Matt 1:01:39

Yes. And uh that'll about do it for this episode if you didn't ask for this. Next time out, episode 150. 150? Ain't that nifty? Where did the time go, Eric? Where did the years go? Oh so for all of us here, uh you didn't ask for this. My name's Matt Shea.

Eric 1:02:03

My name is Eric Poach. And listen, you didn't ask. But my my uh the childhood book that I was obsessed with, like the one that I would always like go back to, The Digginess, The Digginous Dog.

Matt 1:02:14

The Digginess Dog. Mine was always the true story of the three little pigs.

Eric 1:02:18

Oh, fuck, it's so good. I can't wait, Eric. Because that was like one of the earliest books to like, oh, what if we pierced the veil? What if we what if we the fucking behind the music of the three little pigs? It's told by the wolf in a jail cell.

Matt 1:02:39

Absolutely fucking love that book, and I can't wait to perform it for my trial.