S4/E35- Why Time Doesn’t Heal the Loss, But What Might Help (Part 1)

“Time heals all wounds.”

Most grieving parents have heard that phrase. Many of us have been hurt by it.

In part 1 of this 3-part series, Bruce and Kristin challenge the myth that time alone heals the loss of a child. This isn’t a scraped knee. It’s an amputation. Time doesn’t replace what was taken.

Grief evolves; it softens, shifts, and integrates, but it doesn’t expire. The love hasn’t diminished, so why would the grief?

Bruce shares about the landmines that still feel sharp years later, the void that remains, and the difference between distraction and true healing. Together, they begin exploring what actually helps: intentional grief work, sitting with the pain, and learning to move with grief instead of trying to move on.

If time really healed grief, we'd all be fine by Tuesday. But we're not.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:36

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker, along with my co-host, Kristen Glenn. Tonight we're talking about something almost every grieving parent has heard at some point. Time heals all wounds. Alright, I'll be honest. When someone said that to me early on, it didn't comfort me in the least. It frustrated me. Because losing a child isn't a wound that simply fades. It's not something that gets easier the more days you stack in the calendar. Time is the only thing that passes. But time doesn't bring our child back. Time doesn't erase the void. It doesn't make the love smaller. What I've learned is that grief evolves. It can soften, it can shift, but it doesn't expire. The sharp moments will still show up. The landmines are still there, though what would have been still catches me in the chest. So if time doesn't heal this loss, what actually might help? In this first part of our conversation, Kristen and I speak honestly about the myth of time healing all wounds, the reality of living with a forever void, and why healing isn't something that happens to us. It's something we actively step into. So let's take a breath and talk about it. Hey Kristen, how are you?

SPEAKER_00 2:06

I'm okay. How are you doing, Bruce?

Calling Out The Platitude

SPEAKER_02 2:08

I'm doing great. So our episode tonight is why time doesn't heal child loss, but what actually helps? So we're going to deep dive into that and see where this goes.

SPEAKER_00 2:24

I'm ready.

SPEAKER_02 2:26

So this myth that's out there, time heals all wounds. What do you think? You buy into that?

SPEAKER_00 2:34

No. I think it's a bunch of BS.

SPEAKER_02 2:36

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 2:37

How's that to start off with a little bluntness? What a platitude. I'm so glad we picked this tonight because, you know, I am my February is my birthday month for my sweet Zachary, and it's turned to much more of a peaceful reflection and positive time for me. It's gone away from the sharpness of those first several years. But it's not because time magically healed it. Um, you know, I do think it's just some type of platitude that our society likes to lean heavily on. And um, yeah, I'm calling it. I don't I don't think that that time's gonna heal this one. This is not a minor little ouchie. It's a as we we've been looking at some of these quotes. It says uh this is not a a pain, this is an amputation. And I think that there's a piece of me that's missing and heal doesn't all of a sudden, or time doesn't just all of a sudden make you regrow that part of yourself. I'm just a different, different person now after this many years, 30, 35 years later.

SPEAKER_02 3:51

Yeah. Yeah, so that so 35 years, um you're not all healed up.

SPEAKER_00 3:59

Nope.

SPEAKER_02 4:00

Because I think we talked about it, we talked about this before that you mentioned healing is a verb.

SPEAKER_00 4:07

Yeah, I like that active verb. I'm not a not a fan of the past tense verb that healed, just like you were talking about the the scarring. Is it an open wound? I wouldn't say so, but is it a wound? Is it a noticeable scar? Yeah. Um, so I'm glad we're gonna we're able to dive into this and speak our truths tonight.

Amputation Metaphor And Identity

SPEAKER_02 4:30

Definitely. I think that um I mean I would probably say every listener. I don't I don't think I'm going out on a limb by saying every listener has probably heard this phrase and maybe even said to them and how ice isolating that that has to feel for them. But it's not um it's not unique, it's not something kind of getting thrown out there. I think that that that phrase and those things that are it's out there a lot. I came across this quote from an author, uh, this author's name is Dean Coontz, and and probably most of the listeners are familiar with him and and the type of suspenseful novels and and books that he writes, which I love. But I found this really interesting. And so here's a quote from Dean Koontz. It says, Time doesn't, as advertised, heal all wounds. Although the wrenching immediacy of grief eventually passed, the settled sorrow that replaced it might in its own way be even more intense. How'd that land with you?

SPEAKER_00 5:53

It lands, man. I mean, there's lots of that quote that the subtle sorrow and the word intense within that sentence. I think I often say things like it's not as sharp, it's softened, it's subtle, but that he also recognizes the intensity of something that is subtle because it you wear it like a cloak, you know, it's it's forever. Um, you carry it. And um, what an insightful quote that is, and and what an interesting source. You know, when I hear those types of quotes, it kind of goes back to our last episode. He gets it. You don't know what his story is, but that guy gets it. Something's happened in his world that that is that is not just a random thought. That is someone that has lived through something that allowed him to say those really powerful words.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

Yeah, because that is as that's about as accurate as you can get. One of the things that um that I've seen is grief. It evolves, um, like he kind of mentioned there, but it doesn't expire. It's always there. It's just we're wearing it differently. There was a thing I've heard, so I've heard it said, right? It'll get easier with time. And I think probably a lot of our listeners have heard that, and that would um, if somebody said that to me, especially early on, um, that'd really piss me off. You can say it'll get easier with time. That might apply to habits and rituals, and maybe even learning a musical instrument. Sure, that's going to get easier with time, but grief isn't something you practice your way through with loss. I mean, time doesn't heal anything, time just passes. Absolutely. We're left to learn how to carry what what remains.

Dean Koontz Quote And Settled Sorrow

SPEAKER_00 8:02

Yeah, to just think the click, the ticking of the clock is going to heal. It takes so much intentionality and support and grit and tears and realizing that joy and sorrow coexist. And it's it's almost disrespectful to just tell someone that's going through this type of tragedy, just hang out, chill out for a while, and it's just gonna get better magically, you know, and especially, I mean, the people that I've had the honor of to be with, and they they do their grief work, they work so hard, minute by minute, to do that active verb of healing and to think that time is gonna heal it. Okay. Well, tell me when does when? Is there a timeline? Is there someone going to tell you at this moment magically you're healed? It's it's like what you said, grief and an expiration date. Do I look at the milk carton and see when my grief is gonna expire? Is there is there a sell by date? It's it's just that ridiculous in my mind.

SPEAKER_02 9:16

Well, uh and you and you think about it, we talk about what's gone, right? So we we you mentioned earlier the amputation, like this. So with time, time is not going to change the fact that your child is gone. And that's what, you know, sort of getting easier. It's easier if our child comes back, if our child's still here, if our child never died. So time doesn't change that fact. Your child is gone.

SPEAKER_00 9:49

Yeah. I mean, when you reflect on that, Bruce, what part of your grief feels as sharp today as the moment that Kristen left this earth? What how many, I mean, no matter how many years it's been, do what do you feel like that feels so much like it did that many years ago?

Time Passes, Grief Requires Work

SPEAKER_02 10:11

I think the well it's almost like we we mentioned before, like there's landmines that pop up. And those can be just in different conversations, casual conversations with people, and maybe they um they talk about grandkids, grandchildren, right? And so Kristen um would be 40, which means I should have had some by now if that life had continued. So the so there's the yeah, there's moments and it's you know, I know early on some advice, you know, that I was given is like the what ifs, like, you know, you don't go down that road when you you can uh and early on, it makes sense, you can spiral very quickly. Now I will sit in the moment, I won't brush it off. So if that happens, and then I think about what's what didn't happen, what would have been for me, and I think about what have been for her. You know, so there's where you know some tears can come up, and it's like what what did she miss in this as well those joys and of being a mom and calling me and going, you know, all right, dad, what do you think? And and I could be, you know, a sarcastic jerk and make fun of whatever was going on, you know, and and we have our little laugh, but then actually be able to to try to help. And yeah, so it's those moments that that I'll sit with them. So I'll I'll be present with them and not and like I say, just not brush them off. So then when that's going on, then that grief and that sorrow can feel, and I think you put it very well, can be just as sharp. It is, it's a yeah, it's a best, it's a good way to describe it. And I think I think our listeners get that is like it's almost it's a point, like it's a it's this uh a sharpness that you you can feel, I can feel in my chest. And so now I I I sit with that.

SPEAKER_00 12:49

Yeah, and it's you're able to doing the work. It is. And I think it's exactly what you said the grieving for ourselves because we don't get to witness the continuation of their life and the grieving for them of all they deserved to experience. I feel so sad for Zach and all that he was meant to embrace in this life. And that, you know, that sorrow didn't come for a while. In the beginning, it was like I could only manage my own own sorrow. And wow, kind of an aha moment. Like I feel like over the years the part that has shifted is the realization of the sorrow of others. Because I had to be pretty narrow in the beginning because it was only manageable to think of my own sorrow. But now watching my husband's continuation of his sorrow, my mother's, the siblings that never got to meet Zach, and then really ultimately to imagine Zack's the void of what he should have gotten to do.

SPEAKER_01 14:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:03

Um, you know, Kristen should have been able to choose if she wanted to become a mother and consult with, you know, Grandpa Bruce and kind of muddle through the jokes in the beginning and know that in the end there was going to be some great wisdom, and you would have been an incredible grandpa.

SPEAKER_02 14:23

Well, thank you. Yeah, it's the I think sitting, you know, taking the time to sit with that, it's it's like we've um that kind of falls right back back into this, into this theme that we're talking about of this moving on. And and I've I know we've mentioned this before, it's not about moving on because that that's not it. It's moving with the grief is coming with you.

SPEAKER_00 14:49

Oh yeah. It's integrated, it is part of you.

SPEAKER_02 14:55

Yeah, so I think to um to deny it, um when those thoughts come up or are on a land mine, if I've got that moment to be able to sit with it and as I do that, and and then yeah, that so it feels just as sharp as it did then, but then it softens. It softens from taking that time to reflect and to be there and knowing that time isn't going to bring her back. Right.

Landmines, What Might Have Been

SPEAKER_00 15:35

So And you know, I feel like the grief if you think of grief as like an identity within itself, it was a stranger to me. I didn't know grief. I had never experienced a deep, deep sorrow before this happened to me. And now grief is very familiar to me. It's as you said, moving with, but I just feel like I know grief. I it sits right next to me all the time. It's my kind of constant companion. And I remember one time during a support group asking everyone in the group, would you give up your grief? If you could give up your grief with a snap of the fingers, would you give it up? And we talked about it, and it was like giving up grief is giving up the love. So I'm no taking the pack I'm taking the package deal. You know, it's I wouldn't give up the fact that I had the opportunity to love this child, and thus I will grieve as intensely as I love.

SPEAKER_02 16:40

I think we've heard, you know, we've heard that and we've probably heard it from from other people. I'm sure we've it's probably something that has been read. I mean, you know, when there's multiple books on um on child loss and and grief and healing and things like that. And and I think one of the things that I I've read before is about that the amount of grief and the loss and the sorrow that you feel is like equal to, or whatever the the amount of love, and and so no, you wouldn't give up one to lose the other. So it's like this with I mean I know my love for Kristen has not diminished with time. So why would the grief?

SPEAKER_00 17:28

Yes, that's exactly right. It changes, but uh diminish means that it's uh finite. It's somehow diminishing also means that it's finite. And our love for our children didn't have a container, wasn't like something that you could say, oh I have X amount of ounces of love, you know, so it feels like the same with grief. It's it's infinite.

SPEAKER_02 17:54

So what what what's changed for you even the fact that it's been thirty-five years? Or what uh better question, what hasn't changed for you?

SPEAKER_00 18:10

Hmm, that's such a good question. I think what hasn't changed is just the the realization of the void that's unfillable. Right? I think actually that's become accentuated. I don't think as a woman in my twenties I had the wisdom to realize that in that moment when he was no longer on this earth that this grief would be forever part of me, but I also I think I naively might have thought it was a fillable void. You know, and I think not that I could ever have another Zachary, but I think I felt like fill my space and time and circle and home with children and animals and busyness and hobbies and travel and chaos and you know all the things. And I think the wisdom of now being not 20 at all anymore, there is a sense of just settling in that this is a void, this is a a forever void, and how could it not be? That would be disrespectful to to Zach to imagine that anything could take this space. This is a a Zack size hole in my life, and it's like a it's like a thumbprint. It's not replicatable. It's not something that so I think that remains maybe when you say is it unchanged, it it actually is changed, but in a way that it is, as you know, that author said, more of an intense, subtle sorrow that that void is maybe even more there's more of awareness that that as I become older, as my life continues on, that he has left um yeah, a Zach Size space forever.

SPEAKER_02 20:24

Well, like we mentioned before, I the grief evolved. Yeah. But but again, didn't expire. I think for me, I used those as and whether it was work, whether it was relationships, whether whatever it was, as distractions from the void.

SPEAKER_01 20:54

And and probably tried to fill them unhealthily.

Love And Grief As A Package

SPEAKER_00 21:04

For sure. So tempting.

SPEAKER_02 21:07

Yeah, with with a lot, you know, with just pouring myself into work and then other people and you know, relationships, casual be it or whatever, and not sitting with the grief and not sitting with the loss and doing any of the work. And that was one of the things that it took a while, obviously, for me to learn. But that that grief and that pain over time that I tried to bury with all of these distractions, um, time did not come decompose it. It stayed there in its original state. And then at some point, when when it just kept eating away at me, knowing I needed to start doing something that had not changed over time. That the rawness of that grief and of that sorrow and that loss was still there waiting for me to then like, okay, let's do some work on this.

SPEAKER_00 22:24

I I wish I I knew who to attribute this quote to, but it said try to answer the door as grief is gently knocking because it is very patient and it'll wait for you and knock down your door later on in life. You know, and I feel like that definitely was a huge realization as I too filled with distractions and wanted to avoid and have watched so many people that do that with, you know, work, relationships, busyness, substances, you know, healthy coping, unhealthy coping. But I had kind of a moment of realization when you were talking that what I do think has an expiration date, sadly, is support.

SPEAKER_02 23:08

So we're going to pause here for part one. Because if there's one thing we want to challenge in this conversation, it's the idea that time alone heals this kind of loss. Because it doesn't. And if you're listening to this as a parent who's lost a child and you've ever felt isolated by those platitudes, we want you to know you are not alone. If you feel prompted in any way to share your child's story, we invite you to reach out. This podcast exists so parents can speak their truth, introduce the world to their child, and share not only their grief, but their love. You don't need any special equipment. We can record wherever you are. Our contact information follows the end of this episode, so please reach out. Join us in part two, where we'll begin with a powerful realization about grief, that while grief may not expire, sometimes the support around us does. So until next time, I am Bruce Barker, along with Kristen Glenn, and please don't forget to breathe.