S4/E38-The Shattered Future: The Invisible Loss (Part 1)

When a child dies, parents don’t just grieve the life that was lived, they grieve the life that was supposed to be.

In this episode, Bruce and Kristin talk about the invisible loss many bereaved parents carry: the future that shattered. From missed milestones and imagined grandchildren to the identities we thought we would grow into as parents, this conversation explores the quiet grief of the “what ifs” that often follow child loss.

Together they reflect on how memories, milestones, and imagined futures can bring both heartbreak and unexpected moments of beauty, reminders that grief, love, and healing after the loss of a child often live side by side for grieving parents seeking understanding and support.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker, and I'm joined by my co-host, Kristen Glenn. When a child dies, we don't just grieve who they were, we grieve who they were becoming. The birthdays that never come, the life we imagined watching unfold. In this episode, we're talking about the shattered future, the grief no one prepares you for, and the loss that keeps showing up in new ways. If you've ever felt this kind of grief and didn't know how to name it, you're not alone. So take a breath. This conversation is for you.

SPEAKER_01 1:15

I'm okay. Kind of a bluer week for me, but I'm just glad to have this time to just talk through some stuff.

SPEAKER_00 1:23

So well, this is the place for it.

SPEAKER_01 1:26

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 1:27

Right? That's that's what we've opened up for everyone.

SPEAKER_01 1:31

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 1:32

And what we're talking about in uh this episode is that shattered future and just kind of naming that invisible loss. So I know in in groups that I've done conversations and sharing that parents have expressed it's all different stories, and we've talked about that, you know, we're not comparing, but and the ages that their child died. And I've talked to people who were grieving their 60-year-old son who died all the way to miscarriage and then a few days old. And and there's not a lot necessarily that I think those two could relate to as far as I had all these years with this person, and and you're talking about the things that you miss and the experiences that you had, and then to someone who is who had maybe a day or two, or not even that, but the common ground that we're we all have is the future that shattered the future that we grieve. Does that make sense?

Common Ground Across Every Loss

SPEAKER_01 2:38

I think it absolutely makes sense. And I think the common ground is that we all wanted more.

SPEAKER_02 2:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 2:45

Regardless, more and more more time. When I think about your grief around Kristen, when did you when did you realize that you were not just grieving your own loss for Kristen's physical presence here, but but their future grieving kind of on her behalf and what she would have been next on this planet?

SPEAKER_00 3:11

That's a good question. I I you know, for me, because as I've I've shared before, I didn't do a lot of of work, so to speak, or are really getting into uh into the grieving process the first the first few years. So everything was it was just backward looking. I'm I'm looking back at experiences and then some of those where I'm uh have gone someplace that she and I went together and you know, grieving like all of that looking back. And it wasn't until I think I might have seen, because I stayed off social media too, and and it wasn't until I saw someone post something about their son who was Kristen's age. It was I think it was a moment when they announced and he was married and announced having that they were having a baby. And I went, wait a second. I'm not gonna get that. You know, that was the first. I mean, I mean, there have been plenty. That was the first moment where then I'm grieving the future that was lost, on top of grieving the past. Like it was it to me, it was a double whammy.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

I bet I bet that was blindsided, you yeah, sure.

Grieving Their Future And Ours

SPEAKER_00 4:37

Yeah. I didn't just lose Kristen, I lost the version of myself who I was supposed to be watching her grow. So I lost that part of me too. You know, we talk about loss in so many different contexts and in different ways, and I lost the seeing her future, but I lost seeing mine with her and watching her.

SPEAKER_01 5:03

Yeah, I hadn't hadn't thought about putting it that way, but thinking about losing what your identity would have been at this point in Kristen's life in relation to all the experiences and milestones she would be experiencing at this point and how she would interact with you differently than she did as a younger girl.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Oh, yeah. I mean it it certainly affected my identity as a parent. It took away the identity, the possible identity of as a grandparent, um, since she was my only child. So yeah, it it it changed a lot of that for me. If I can if it's okay to ask you, uh how did your vision of what would be Zach's adulthood, how did you imagine that?

Imagining Who They’d Be Now

SPEAKER_01 5:55

You know, there's moments when I allow myself to imagine it, and they're both heartbreaking and beautiful. I remember sharing a moment with a bereaved mom one time, and we realized that our children were born the same year, and her daughter died in her teens, and Zach, of course, died kind of a toddler. But we realized, you know, if these tragedies had not happened, they would have progressed and been, I think at that time in their mid-twenties. And we just sat together and thought maybe they would have known each other. What if they'd been friends? Well, what was your daughter like? Well, what was Zach like? And I think for both of us, we just allowed ourselves this moment of fantasy of what if we would be meeting as moms of children living and watching them maybe interact and have a friendship? Or um I met with a mom one time and her baby died at at birth. She was born still, and a really insensitive person at the lab should have read her chart better and said to her, Are you here for, you know, your own blood work or the little's blood work? And she didn't have a baby with her, you know, and then she said, Oh, the little is at home with daddy. She'll come in later. And she goes, Kristen, is am I wrong am I wrong to say that? Is that like a sign that I'm not dealing with reality? And I said, No, it's a sign that you just needed to take a break. You needed one minute of not having to say to the lab person what really happened. And it was, you know, her insensitivity and her rushing that she didn't read your medical chart, and that you took that moment and just decided, I just want to imagine that my little is here and just didn't come for their labs today, but they will. And she said it felt so good just for that one moment, and that I didn't choose to say what really happened. Because when you choose to say what really happened, you're really exposed. You're really putting into someone else's hands to see what they're gonna say next. Or most likely, I have found say nothing. So uncomfortable that they just choose to say nothing. So I do allow myself to think every once in a while, what what would it be like to have him here as the you know, the older brother, my firstborn that taught me how to be a mom and what would he what would he like right now? Who would he I think there's a country song, who would you be now, you know? Um and I think it's so sad to imagine and also so uh beautiful to take what we know of our children and kind of project it into the future because we know them better than anyone. So if anyone's going to fantasize about what was next for them, we have that right, I think.

SPEAKER_00 9:14

I mean, I know that like in those moments when you were talking to a friend and and you um imagine what that would have been like, and I've done the same. Would you say it's reopening grief? Or grief didn't really close. I mean, I I mean it's like it's there, but then as you said, it's beautiful too, and then I think doesn't that really get back to what we've talked about before, where grief and joy can live in the same moment? Isn't that like isn't that really kind of the description?

SPEAKER_01 9:51

Yeah, I think that's exactly what it is. And I kind of take it as my mom right to be able to think what, you know, I know him. I still know him. And I want to think about what he would be like at this moment, that's okay. And yeah, it hurts because it's not real and it's not attainable, but it hurts, period. I've been reflecting a lot on like, I can't remember if he got to do specific things in his uh life. And I I want to, you know, he died before the era of cell phones. So I have to go through like old school photo albums. But I was thinking the other day, did he get to do that? Did he ever see the ocean? Did he have a time to dress up as Batman as ha Halloween, or did I just want him to be able to do that? I d you know, it's been long enough that I'm really feeling this pull to uh make that reality for my mind of what did he get to do and what was missing for some reason. Um it's been heavy on my mind more than it has been for years, and it's hard to to have the reality that I don't remember. I don't remember after that long, you know.

Photos, Memory Gaps, And Proof Of Moments

SPEAKER_00 11:18

No, I've done the same with printed photos going through and I mean I just had hundreds, and then I I got nervous and had them all digitized so that it's I've got an electronic version of everything so that I can go through and revisit, revisit those moments. And and you mentioned something about, you know, did he get to see the ocean? And there's a picture that I have of Kristen, and she's she's probably four and just kind of like playing in the water and getting hit with a little wave. And um I I love the photo, I love that moment. And I've thought about knowing her, that the time that I spent with her when she was, you know, with me in the summers and and and and different holidays, because uh, if I don't know if listeners have followed since the beginning, but her mother and I were divorced. I I lived in a different state, and so she would always come and and stay with me and visit me. But I wondered, not really thinking it wouldn't be, I just like she was gonna be that mom that would do the same thing. And I could see that photo and think of her with her child at the ocean, going, I did this, and then doing the same stuff. So those were those, so it was those same moments of, yeah, there's that little bit of sadness, but but then smiled at the same time, and then go right back to feeling like she missed out. And I missed out, and you know, it bounces.

SPEAKER_01 13:03

Yeah, and her future babies missed out because she had been an incredible mama, right? We can take that to all those levels of all the people that missed out on having that later life version of our children, part of their world, because they were destined to do good things.

SPEAKER_00 13:21

Yeah, I mean, I'm I'm a visual person and have done art for decades. And it tied in when I think, you know, thinking of that image and seeing that, like with the title of this episode with The Shattered Future, and literally seeing that photo, but of this a grandchild, her child, and literally seeing it shatter, you know, like glass, like it's like it's not there, it's not real. It's only in my imagination. And I know that that it hurts. I know it hurts every parent that thinks about the what if, the what could have been the we look back and go, well, if I'd done this or if I'd done that, you know, depending on whatever ever situation it is and whatever loss it was. And I I had mine, but it's that forward looking of going, well, what if this or what if that? And sometimes, depending on where you are in your journey, it's it's an okay place to be. You know, just like when I saw you, because I can see you uh, you know, so listeners know that we're doing this remotely, and we can see each other on on screen. And as you're describing that moment, and I see the smile that it brings to you of that, yeah. Again, the joy and the sadness altogether.

SPEAKER_01 14:45

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:46

So what what about milestones that I've missed, you've missed, we've maybe have already missed, and then those that would be like age markers. So I experienced Kristen at 18, but not at 21. And not at 30. And just this last October, someone pointed out to me um she would have been 40. And now my first thought was, oh my god, that makes me old. How could she be 40? But it ru but 40.

SPEAKER_01 15:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

Do you find those do you think about them? Or do you or do you get blindsided with them?

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Like you know, some I really prepare for and think about. I'm preparing for an upcoming birthday for Zach. I'm very intentional about it. And then some things, whew, they just get me. I was teaching high school during the year he should have graduated. And that that one got me. And I I was chosen to walk with the senior class as one of their teacher sponsors and just to walk alongside those 18-year-olds.

SPEAKER_02 15:58

Oh my gosh.

Art, Identity, And What Ifs

SPEAKER_01 15:59

That one really got me. My middle son got married this last year. And I had this the strangest moment. One of his groomsmen was in the military and at the last minute couldn't come. And I was thinking about that as I went to sleep. And that, oh now the sides might be uneven, and that's too bad, and I know my son is unhappy about that. And and then, you know, that twilight time when you're not really awake, but you're not sl sleeping.

SPEAKER_02 16:33

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 16:34

And I thought, oh my gosh, well, he'll just have Zach step in. Like his one brother's in the wedding. Why why haven't we asked? I mean, it was just like this moment and just waking up, just just weeping, just weeping of, you know, I really in my dreams was thinking, why hasn't he thought of that? He should just go ask him that he'll step right in. And again, projecting who he'd be. But of course, he's laid back, he's easygoing. He can just step right up and be your extra groomsman, you know. And boy, that that wedding, that wedding time of the void, what's missing, and really, really feeling like I did not have it wasn't my space to uh express my grief. It was a very celebratory time of children that never knew their brother and know that this has impacted my husband and I. But they don't uh they don't miss uh his physical presence. I think they miss his place in the family somehow, right? Because they'll say things like, Well, I'm not really the uh firstborn or the oldest, but I you know, I think it's a confusing thing because I had such an earlier in life loss than you did. We did, you know, uh I guess have the opportunity and had other children, but I also think it's impacted them in ways that I can never apologize enough for that I have been a very different mom than I think I would have been. Some good. Some good, you know, awareness of the frailty of life and wanting to embrace the moments, but some I'm sure really a burden to them. All the fears and all the worries uh which all moms have when you've been in this this lived reality, and then also I really submersed myself in it for two decades. My kids had to live with that. So long story short, you know, going back to the milestone of the wedding, it certainly wasn't a place to say, man, he should be here. It was I had to really keep that inside, keep that under law, lock and key. And that was that was important, I think, to do, but it was it was tough.

Milestones Missed And Blindsides

SPEAKER_00 19:11

But uh like with other friends that go through that go through those weddings or those those milestones, because I can say for sure yes for me. Were there any moments of of resentment or jealousy like you get to do this and I don't?

SPEAKER_01 19:30

Oh, absolutely. Absolutely, you know, just jealousy, resentment, anger, and boy, my anger really flared when I would see someone not appreciate their parenting journey.

SPEAKER_00 19:48

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:49

Whoo! Oh yeah, or be unsafe purposefully, you know, we all have tragic accidents, and I succumbed to, I mean, Zach, it was a home accident that's the cause of his death. So I'm not I'm never one to say, let's judge parents. My God, it's so hard to be a parent. But but the parents that are careless and cruel and don't appreciate, I still have a really hard time.

SPEAKER_00 20:20

Um I do, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

With with that. Like, how can you yeah, whoo, that brings that brings up a lot.

SPEAKER_00 20:28

Yeah, that's another uh uh that's another topic. Yeah, let's put that on our docket. Yeah, I I had it was really when you know social media is really kind of kicking off, and it was like I was there all the time because everyone's posting everything about their kid. And when they're, you know, and these are classmates, and yeah, it would I would try not to get too far down that road of being angry, but I was definitely I would be resentful. I was not doing the little likes and all I'm like, okay, all right, I see it. But it and and of course I wasn't blaming them um for posting anything like that. That's I would have done the same thing, but there were moments, uh a lot of them, practically every post, where I'm jealous that I don't get to do the same thing. And that she doesn't get to experience what they're posting that their kids are doing. Yeah, so it was it was a mix. I mean, there was there were there were times, I mean, there would be a moment where I would see and go, Oh, that's really cool. And then almost in the same moment, I could I could feel a little mix of joy and a little mix of devastation all at the same time. It took a long time. It was a long, long road to where that softens for me, but there are definitely still moments. How could there be? Mostly kids, grandkids. Absolutely. It's everywhere. We'll pause our conversation there. You know, as we talk about this shattered future, it becomes clear that this is a part of grief that many parents carry quietly. It's not just the memories behind us that hurt, it's the moments ahead that never arrived, the birthdays that would have come, the milestones that That never happened, the versions of our children and ourselves that we never got to meet. In this first part of our conversation, Kristen and I began naming that invisible loss, the future that disappeared when our children died. But there's more to this conversation. In the next episode, we'll talk about the milestones that can unexpectedly reopen that grief, the birthdays, graduations, weddings, and life moments that remind us of who should be standing beside us. And we'll talk honestly about something many parents feel but rarely say out loud: the jealousy, resentment, and complicated emotions that can surface when we watch other families experience what we lost. So join us for part two of this conversation. Until then, wherever you are on your journey, remember to be gentle to yourself and don't forget to breathe.