Marissa's Story: Healing Isn't Betrayal, Even When It Feels That Way -E442

Marissa's daughter, Skylar, died in 2015 at just four years old. More than a decade later, Marissa shares what many bereaved parents quietly experience: the love hasn't changed, the grief hasn't disappeared, and healing can sometimes feel like betraying the child you miss every day.

In this deeply vulnerable conversation, Marissa talks about the physical pain of grief, addiction as an attempt to numb unbearable sorrow, carrying what she describes as "a rock" inside her, and the loneliness that comes when everyone around you seems to move forward while you remain emotionally anchored to the day your child died.

She also shares the hope she's beginning to discover as she starts grief counseling, why saying a child's name matters more than many people realize, and what grieving parents truly need from those who love them.

Whether you're grieving the loss of a child or supporting someone who is, this episode offers honest insight into the lifelong journey of carrying profound love alongside profound loss.

Transcript

Speaker 0:45

Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker, here with my co-host, Kristen Glenn. Today's conversation is one that many bereaved parents will recognize immediately. Our guest, Marissa, shares the story of her daughter, Skylar, who died in 2015 at just four years old. While years have passed, Marissa reminds us that for a parent, time doesn't erase love and it doesn't erase loss. She speaks openly about the physical pain of grief, the loneliness that can come when

Welcome And Marissa’s Story Begins

Speaker 1:19

everyone else seems to move forward, and the complicated emotions that can make healing feel like you're somehow betraying your child. But she also shares something incredibly important: why it's okay to say our children's names, why remembering them matters, and why simply sitting with someone in their grief can be one of the greatest gifts we ever give. This is an honest conversation about love, trauma, addiction, hope, and taking the first small steps toward healing without ever letting go. Here's our conversation with Marissa.

Speaker 1 2:01

And with Marissa, we have some history together. Yeah. What do you want to share since other people hearing your precious story about Skylar? What do you want to share about Skylar and your story with others?

Speaker 3 2:16

I think mostly it's so important to me, especially since it has been a little while. It's she passed in 2015, and it sounds like a really long time, but it's really not that long. Um to me it's different. To me, it's like just yesterday that she was here.

Speaker 1 2:33

Yes.

Speaker 3 2:33

Um, but mostly just that like I that I do have for so a lot of times people will ask me, like, how many kids do you have? And that really stumped me up in the beginning because then I would every time go into like, oh, you know, I have a son, but my daughter, and she passed, and like I would, you know, really with strangers

Saying Her Name And Counting Two Kids

Speaker 3 2:50

sometimes, and yeah, I would get emotional, and it was just this like thing. And um, I stopped doing that, but I always will say, I have two children. I do have two children, right? I do, for right. Like she was here, like she she existed, I guess. Um, a lot of people will like people that are close to me. Um, some of them, I guess, don't really know how to handle that situation. So, like my mom, for example, she does not really bring her up. My sister, on the other hand, she's been so, so important in my grief process because she will, she will talk about her. She will say, Remember that time, or you know, she will send me random texts like, I want you to know that I'm, you know, I'm really missing Skylar today, and I just can't imagine like what you're going through. You're the strongest person that I know. And um, so just, you know, maybe like it's okay to talk about her. It's okay to ask me about her. A lot of people don't, you know, it's like one of those things, like, do I ask? Like, do I talk about it? But I think it's really important to still bring her up and to still talk about her because it does sort of like keep her memory alive inside of me, even, you know. Absolutely. She's forever your daughter. Yeah, exactly. Like, she was here, she was a person and she like changed me so many ways, you know.

Speaker 1 4:13

Yeah.

Speaker 3 4:13

So yeah.

Speaker 1 4:15

Tell people about her. Tell our listeners about your Skylar. Tell us about who she forever is.

Speaker 3 4:23

So Skylar was my daughter, is my daughter.

Who Skylar Is Forever

Speaker 3 4:28

She was born in July. So I was like pregnant all through the summer, and I absolutely loved my pregnancy with her. I was ready to have a kid. I was married at the time, and we like were trying for a child at the time, you know. Completely different experience with my son. I was much younger. Um, but with Skylar, we like tried for her, and um I got pregnant and yeah, I would talk to my belly, sing to my belly like every day. You know, I made her like the coolest little um like nursery. Um, I was like super ready for her. She was very wanted. And yeah, like when she was born, I just, you know, I was worried kind of in the beginning because I did have my son. And I was like telling my friend, like, I don't know how I can love anything as much as I love my son. Like, I love him so much, and he's my child. Like, I can't imagine like trying even to like love something else as much as I love him. It was very kind of confusing for me.

Speaker 1 5:32

Yeah.

Speaker 3 5:32

Um, but when she came, it was like just so natural. And I understood instantly like how that was gonna happen. And she has was just such a joy, very smart. She was always really smart, very talkative, you know. Um, she passed when she was four. But those are like the funnest years, you know, like three, two, three, four, you know what I mean? When they kind of come into themselves. She was just such a princess, very friendly. I remember going to the store with her, and I'm like, I can't take you anywhere. Because she would be like, Oh my god, mommy, look at that grandpa, right next to them in the store. He's so cute. Oh my god, hi grandpa. She would say, just right next to these people, and they're like, huh? Oh, you're such a cute grandpa. Like, just she was so extroverted. She was so extroverted, like even more than I probably was. And I'm extroverted myself, but yeah, just she was very, very, very friendly. Real, like I said, she was very smart. She said words sometimes that I'm like, where could she have possibly learned that word? Like big words, like you know, yeah. I just felt like her and I just had a connection that I had not felt up until that time. Like I said, I love my son very much. But my connection with her was different. She was like, she was like such a huge part of me. Like she I just would look at her and I just saw so much of myself in her. And I remember when she would be sleeping and stuff, I would lean over and you know, like almost just like kind of breathe in her breath. Like I loved her so much. I would just like just I just couldn't get enough of her, you know. Yeah, and she knew that she knew how much I love love her. Yeah, it was it was just it was she kind of rocked my world to be honest. I was not expecting to feel the way that I felt about her.

Speaker 1 7:39

So such intense love for that little girl.

Speaker 3 7:41

Such an intense love, like made only by like the gods in the cosmos, like like such a uh it was almost like a reuniting of souls, you know. When when um she was born, I just felt these feelings I I hadn't even know that I like had inside of me, you know. So it was like when she passed away, it was like like just such deep like sorrow, like to lose that, you know. It's it's been really hard.

Speaker 1 8:12

You feel like you're losing a part of you.

Speaker 3 8:15

Yeah, I felt like I did lose me, you know. And I've said before, like I died that day, like she passed, and so did I. Like the person that I woke up that morning, that person that I have been up to that point, you know, totally died that day. Like I I am not the same person that I that I was that morning. So much inside of me changed, and I am come I'm a completely different person, you know. From that moment forward, I've you know, really struggled to like figure out who I am without

The Day Marissa Changed Forever

Speaker 3 8:45

her. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 8:47

I do understand that. That searching for what does this mean? Yeah, who who am I?

Speaker 3 8:52

Exactly. And it's been hard, it's been really hard. It's like I said, it happened in 2015, and you were there with me in the very beginning. Yeah. Um, not a lot of people that I know now were around me like during that time. There's just a handful of people, but um, I don't really talk to a lot of them anymore. I just I remember just this the like rawness of it in the beginning and the physicalness of it. I physically was pained. I was I was physically like unable to grasp what happened, you know. It was just such a physical thing for me. The pain that I felt, you know, it was like just ran through my body like I just had no idea.

Speaker 1 9:38

Yeah, it really manifests in our deepest parts of our yes, and it's like, and I just I like couldn't get it out.

Speaker 3 9:45

I still can't. I feel like I live every day with this huge rock inside of me, like just real deep in there, just this rock. And sometimes when things happen, like my cousin passed away like three weeks ago, and we were really close. And when stuff like that does happen, it's like almost like it brings kind of that rock to the surface, and it just makes me feel things so intensely, even like fighting with my boyfriend or things like that. I've I feel this pain inside of me, and I know that that's where it's from. It's from that deep hurt that is that is always going to be there, you know. I can try to shove it down and I can try to mask it, or I can try to numb it with drugs or alcohol, and nothing has, you know, none of that is long-term beneficial, you know. This the sorrow is as as intense as the love. It is exactly that. That is exactly what it is. It is exactly that. And and I realized that very early on. I think maybe you were the one that said to me, said that to me, and it made so much sense. And it kind of almost made it okay that I was hurting so much because then you know, I'm like, I this is how much I loved her. I will hurt for her, and I'm okay with that because it's just a testament of how much I loved her. Yeah.

Speaker 1 11:05

I can feel your love for her always.

Speaker 3 11:07

Yes, always, always. I think about her every single day. There's not a day that goes by that she doesn't pop into my mind, you know, as the years have gone by, it's like it has, I don't want to say the pain has gotten less because I don't think it has, but it's definitely changed. Yeah. It like changes kind of, you know, and you learn how to deal with it or not, or whatever, and it just always there. But I have learned to kind of, like I said, just more just shove it deep down inside of me. Um, and it's really that's a very lonely place. That is a very lonely place for me. My mom, my sister, you know, the family members that I have that were my son, even that were really deeply affected by her loss. Also, I feel like they have kind of processed some of their grief. I don't want to say they've like moved on or anything, but they have definitely moved forward in their grief, right? And I just haven't. I really have not. Um, I haven't allowed myself to do that. Like I'm stubbornly like just stuck in I've um learned to be kind of okay with that, and it's not been healthy for me. It really has not. It has not been um healthy. Like I said, it's been very lonely because I'm still the I'm the only one that's still way back there at the very beginning, right? But I am doing things now, as in um like this next week. I will be starting grief groups at a the grief center in Greeley. I just had my intake with them um on Wednesday, like just a couple days ago. Yeah, I just it is it's probably been time, you know, long time coming that I do that and allow myself, you know, the opportunity, I guess, to like just bleed out and hopefully heal a little bit, you know. Part of me doesn't want to, but I feel like I I deserve that.

Speaker 1 12:58

I think you said that so well. Bruce and I've talked about is starting the process of healing, a betrayal, you know, exactly somehow. If I feel better in my betraying, oh yeah, you know.

Speaker 3 13:10

Oh, I was like not smiling for months. I was I did not laugh, even though something I saw or found was funny. I I would stop myself.

Speaker 1 13:18

Yeah.

Speaker 3 13:18

I was, you know, even like eating food, I mean, everything just it was just like it did feel uh feel like a betrayal. I hate that so much because it's really not.

Speaker 1 13:29

It's not, it's not what any of our children would want for us. Right. But for someone else to say that, I remember in my journey, people would say, Zach would want you to be happy. And I would say, Don't speak for him. I wouldn't say this outwardly, but I would think exactly I would think like, don't speak for him. Right. You don't know him. Exactly. He was very similar to Skylar's age as his death, almost four. And I need to discover that for myself. Right. But don't push me to quote, be better based on don't make me feel guilty for not rushing my grief. Exactly. Because that's what my son would. It was almost like this weird message of like, if you're gonna grieve right, you're gonna do it in our timeline because we want you to be better.

Speaker 3 14:11

Exactly. Because we need you to be better. We want the former Melissa, we want you to magically be back. Because it will is stressful for them also, I'm sure.

Speaker 1 14:20

It's very people that that care. Their strange way of showing it is to to want you to be somehow your former self. Exactly. And like you so beautifully and truthfully said, that person is not here anymore. We're forever changed, and that person, a lot of elements of us left on that day our children left the earth. Right.

Speaker 14:41

So Marissa, you've described where you are on on this journey, and that other people are at

The Physical Rock Of Grief

Speaker 14:46

they're at different places. And so we we do know that we don't compare griefs and we and we don't compare our journeys as far as especially with our timelines. And so you're you're farther along than you may think because you simply recognize that you're not farther along.

Speaker 2 15:04

Exactly. Well, thank you. It does make a lot of sense. Yeah.

Speaker 15:07

So what has surprised you most about grief? Where you were then and where you are now?

Speaker 3 15:16

You know, I thought in the beginning that I was gonna feel like that forever. Like the rawness and and like I was saying, the physicality of like the the just how it was so physical for me. I really didn't see like a way out of that. I honestly, you know, I I felt completely and totally doomed in the, you know, when it when it first happened up until I mean, I probably was in that really tough place, the really um like raw place for at least a couple years. Obviously, as the time goes by, it's not like it was on day one, right? But I was still really not okay. I think I was surprised when when I started to kind of pull out of that a little bit. I hated it. I hated that I was like not feeling that, you know, I had kind of gotten used to it, and I'm a I'm a recovering addict as well. So I turned to like doing drugs and trying to numb it in the, you know, for a long time I did that off and on. Um I have had like belts where I've been clean, but I feel like the core of my like of my addiction issues is that rock that I was talking about. Just anything to distract from that to answer your question. I was surprised when I started feeling a little tiny bit different. It surprised me. I I really thought that I was never gonna be okay. And I'm still not okay, really. Like I'm I'm more okay than I was, but I guess that that surprised me. And it also surprised me how well, like how you were talking about like, you know, everybody has their own grief journey, right? I I suppose the people that I kind of expected to be there the most for me were not the people that ended up really sitting with me through that. I was very very surprised to find out who was actually there when I really, really needed someone. Totally different scenario than I would have assumed or thought or even expected.

Speaker 17:41

So when you were describing the, and I'm putting a a word to it, but that level of despair, that level of grief, would you say in your case that that's more of a comfortable place to be because it's what you you're familiar with it? Yeah, to be honest, fight out of it.

Speaker 3 18:00

Yeah. Truthfully, yes. And kind of to touch base on what you said, Kristen said earlier, just about the feeling, feeling like I'm betraying her by coming out of that or by not constantly in my mind about that. Because I think at some point your body's like, I can't take it anymore. And I was putting my body through so much shit that I think, yeah, it got to a point where I was just so totally and completely exhausted. My mind, my body. There was a time where I was kind of like hotel hopping, and yeah, I just I was so not okay during that. I just god, I remember just every single day like crying and freaking out and screaming at the top of my lungs in my car, just anything to kind of ease that a little bit for myself. But yeah, like I I definitely got used to the the chaos of it. Absolutely. And that also kind of I think comes from my addiction background, okay, because like there's also um some a sense of chaos in being an active addiction too, right? But yeah, I'm I think I I think of that I'm probably a person that does crave chaos to some extent. Chaos or the feeling of when you jump off an adrenaline, right? Chaos, adrenaline, like that kind of thing has kind of always been my thing, I think. So yeah, I definitely like know how to stay in a place that's not good for me, that's not good for me physically, emotionally, mentally. It is not good for my growth. I really just don't grow when I'm in those

Stuck In Place And Choosing Help

Speaker 3 19:50

places. But yeah, I have learned how to kind of just make that my daily situation. And I think a lot of other people would be like, oh my gosh, like there's no way, there's no way I think a lot of people could live one day like that, you know. But I have outgrown, I think, that that craving of the chaos and all, you know, uh today in this day right now, I do I do better. Not always, I'm not always better, but I'm better more than I'm not.

Speaker 20:25

So that rock that you mentioned, could you describe that as the core of your grief?

Speaker 3 20:30

Absolutely.

Speaker 20:31

Okay, so how has your relationship with that rock changed over this time? Well, I think it sounds like you're you're moving.

Speaker 3 20:41

I'm do I'm trying to move through. Um sometimes I feel still like I'm doing something wrong by trying to do that. But in the beginning, I think I was just I was just so out of my mind that you know, I guess I didn't really realize that's what was happening with it, you know. I didn't, I don't think I noticed that like rock situation until it kind of came out of that like chaotic place. So it had to be years later. But the rock, it remains like it's it's grown over time, I think. And I see it in my daily life when, like I said, like life happens, my cousin passed, or whatever, you know, whatever the situation is that brings about like emotions. I just I feel them so intensely. I know it's there, like I feel it, and and I'm not able to break it up yet. And I think that will come with time, and I think that will also come with help, like from you know, this grief center. I met the um the lady that's gonna be my therapist, but she seems very sweet and understanding, very empathetic. I like her a lot. So I'm thinking, hoping, yeah, I'm hoping that this will be the thing that will help me like kind of dig in there and like pull some of that out of me because it's just I've gotten in so much trouble because of it. I don't want to say I'm like excited because I'm not excited, but I do look forward to maybe just trying something different. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 22:24

I think that's what I wanted to ask you is like, what what would that journey towards some healing and finding happiness look like for you? Yeah. What do you what do you wish for yourself? Do you Believe that you're worthy of that happiness.

Speaker 3 22:38

So I know I am worthy of being happy. I think every person on the earth is worthy of that. And that's true. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect. You know, everyone deserves to be in a relationship that's healthy, that kind of thing. And I know I'm included in that. I know I'm not going to be happy and treated with respect. And then I'm not. And part of me feels like if I'm happy here without her, like, does that mean that I, you know, that I'm still sad? Like, I'm, you know, I just, I don't know what that'll look like for me. Right. I don't know if I want to be completely happy here. Yeah. You know, without her. But maybe just a little bit. Just a little bit more than I've been will be a good start for me. Like a ray of that come towards you.

Speaker 1 23:45

Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. We've talked a lot about how there's a discovery at some point that you realize that both the sorrow and happiness can coexist. And you're not letting go of Skylar or your grief or your love by letting it just a ray of happiness.

Speaker 3 24:03

Just a little one in in the beginning. I think that would be just right, you know? I still can't look at pictures of her. Yeah. I still can't watch like the videos that I have of her. And that makes me really sad. That lately has really been bothering me. Because I in my mind, like, I know that I want to look at pictures of her. I want to I want to remember the stuff that like we did together, you know, and I've I've spent all of this time shoving it down and pushing it out of my mind and distracting myself from it. And I feel like in a way, you know, that dishonor dishonors her a little, you know. I want to be able to do those things, right? And maybe I I will be able to in the future. That's my hope. I, you know, that's that's one of the main things that's really like hurt my feelings. I've been hurting my own feelings by just completely avoiding everything to do with that, you know? And I don't, I don't want to forget her. Like I don't. I don't I don't want to forget her. And that wasn't my intention. I think I was just doing like some self-uh preservation by doing that, like just kind of preserving myself a little bit. But I want to remember her. I want to remember her and I want to, you know, be able to look at those and not have a total meltdown, you know?

Speaker 1 25:28

Absolutely.

Speaker 3 25:29

So that's kind of my goal at this time.

Speaker 1 25:33

And what would you say as we kind of close up our time together? What would you say to people that may listen to this and haven't gone through the tragedy of losing a child but are wondering how to support people? I think we all share the

Healing Without Betrayal

Speaker 1 25:46

commonality that people, as you said, that we really expected might be capable of being with us have disappeared in our lives. Exactly. What wisdom do you have to share with people of what you wish people would have done for you, what you wish people would do now, what you did have people do, like your sister continuing Skylar's memory sharing. Right. Do you have do you have some advice to share there?

Speaker 3 26:13

Yeah, I think that I think it's very important to, like I said, just still bring them up. Say their name, you know, it's okay. And I think uh people that I have known that have lost a child also have said, you know, have agreed that, you know, it is okay to like bring them up. It's okay to bring them up. We want you to do it. Like it is, it is. And just to know that that person is thinking about her also absolutely so meaningful to me. You know, when I get those texts from my sister, I'm like, thank you, God, like thank you, because then I don't feel like I'm totally by myself in my grief, you know. She is thinking about her too. Like I'm not the only person, you know. She has, you know, she takes up a lot of my day in my mind, you know. So yeah, that that has been just like such a blessing for me, my my sister, and how she sends me those messages, you know. And then when we're together, you know, she will she will bring her up and she will ask me questions about about things, you know. My niece is a year older than my daughter was. So she's, you know, in high school now. I just went to her choir concert the other night. She plays really good violin. Wow. And I look at her and I, you know, just really grieved the loss of the things that I was kind of entitled to experience with my own daughter. Absolutely. You know, I missed all of that, all of the school stuff. You know, I I know that, you know, at her age now, you know, she would be, we would be sharing clothes and, you know, that kind of thing. I know, you know, my life would be a lot different than it has been with if she would have been here, you know. And it's, you know, for the people, I I guess I think it's natural to maybe expect certain people to be there when, you know, when she passed. The ones that decided that they were willing to sit with me in that has been very meaningful to me. And I do tell them that. I think it's important to tell them that too. The ones that are willing to sit with you in that. I think it's important to let them know how much it helps and how grateful you are that they're there. Because I mean, that's a huge deal to be willing to be, you know, and to be on to totally honest with you. I've had people in my life that have since lost um family members or even children. I have a girlfriend and she she was one of the people that came, you know, that was there for me when my daughter passed, and her daughter passed like a year ago. And I just I don't think that I was there for her in the same way that she was there for me. And I didn't feel like I could be.

Addiction And The Comfort Of Chaos

Speaker 3 29:06

I did not. It was, you know, it just really brought up a lot of stuff inside of me too, you know. So, and I just felt like I really needed to protect myself and in that. But I mean, I think I think it's important that they know that that that that means a lot.

Speaker 1 29:21

Well, and that you've been willing to be vulnerable with people that you never imagined would be part of your circle.

Speaker 3 29:26

That's been huge. The vulnerability part, yeah. That's been huge. I've said some things to people that have literally like shocked them to their core, you know, things that I think about about, you know, like her past, you know, when she died and how scared she must have been, you know, and me not being there and stuff. Like I've, you know, I've I've uh gone into detail about like being in the hospital with her and like what that looked like, you know, my experience there. And I've you know really shocked some people with some of the things that have come out of my mouth regarding that, just things that people don't even think about. You know what I mean? But the fact that they listen and you know are willing to just be there and not even say anything sometimes, yeah, it has really just changed my changed my whole process for you know, an in a better way. And I know that there's also like my friend did um the neurofeedback. I know that's a really, really good thing for grief, like right. Um, also the EMDR stuff, yeah, right. Um, I I am trying to get in to do one or the other. I I know that those are like really helpful, really, really helpful when dealing with like such strong PTSD, you know.

Speaker 1 30:41

Yeah, such a trauma too.

Speaker 3 30:43

Yeah, yeah. So if you know, if anyone has the opportunity to try that, I think that those things can be really helpful too. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 30:51

We so appreciate you sharing your vulnerability with us today. And thank you for having me. To reconnect with you has been a gift um for the world to hear about Skylar and her spunky self.

Speaker 3 31:04

Yes, my little blonde, her blue-eyed baby.

Speaker 1 31:07

Little extroverted self. Yeah. Thank you so much. Absolutely, thank you. Brave Mama Move. Thank you for being here.

Speaker 3 31:13

Of course, of course. Anything for you, Kristin.

Speaker 31:16

Marissa, thank you for trusting us with Skylar's story. Your willingness to speak so honestly about the messiness of grief, the loneliness, the guilt, the fear of healing, and the enduring love you carry for your daughter will help so many parents realize they are not alone. One thing that stood out to both Kristen and me is your reminder that saying our children's names doesn't reopen a wound. It reminds us they mattered and they lived, and they are still deeply loved. If today's conversation resonated with you, please consider sharing this episode with another grieving parent or with someone who wants to better support the bereaved in their life. Until next time, remember to take care of yourselves, take a deep breath, and don't forget to breathe.