Don't Forget To Breathe: A Podcast for Living after Child Loss.
Don’t Forget To Breathe is a podcast for parents living after child loss, and for those walking beside them through grief.
Hosted by bereaved parents Bruce Barker and Kristin Glenn, this show offers honest, compassionate conversations about life after child loss, long-term grief, healing, and learning how to keep living while carrying profound loss. Together, Bruce and Kristin create a space where grief does not need to be explained, and where parents can feel understood, supported, and less alone.
Originally launched in 2020, the podcast began as a form of soul-cleansing and healing, as Bruce shared his journey as a father who suddenly lost his 20-year-old daughter in 2006, a tragedy no parent should ever have to endure. After a three-year hiatus marked by deep personal transformation, including divorce, closing a business, intensive therapy, and continued healing, the podcast returns with a renewed heart and a deeper, more expansive perspective.
With Kristin joining as co-host in Season 4, the conversation widens. Drawing from decades of lived experience, Bruce and Kristin are joined by parents who bravely share their stories of grief, resilience, and life after the loss of a child. Together, they explore how grief changes over time, and how sorrow, hope, love, and even laughter can exist side by side.
The podcast also creates space for spouses, family members, friends, and anyone walking beside a bereaved parent, offering insight into the realities of grief and the power of simply showing up with compassion and presence.
You’ll hear the shift in voice, perspective, and presence, from surviving to living. Wherever you are in or around grief, this podcast offers connection, understanding, and the quiet reassurance that no one has to carry loss alone.
Don't Forget To Breathe: A Podcast for Living after Child Loss.
When Everyone Else Stops Remembering (part 1) -E548
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In the beginning, everyone remembers.
People call. They check in. They remember birthdays and anniversaries. They ask how you're doing. But as the years pass, something begins to change. The calls become less frequent. Fewer people mention your child's name. Life continues moving forward for everyone around you, while your child remains just as much a part of your life as ever.
In this episode of Don't Forget To Breathe, Bruce and Kristin talk openly about what remembering looks like many years after the deaths of Kristen and Zach. They share how birthdays and anniversaries have changed, what it's like watching their children's friends reach milestones their own children never had the chance to experience, and those unexpected moments when the body seems to remember even before the mind does.
They also talk about something remarkably simple that can mean so much to a bereaved parent: hearing someone say their child's name.
Because when you say their name, you're not reminding us that they died.
You're reminding us that they lived.
This is Part One of a deeply personal conversation about memory, time, and continuing to carry our children with us.
Help keep the Don’t Forget To Breathe podcast going. Become a supporter today and be part of the movement to bring light, connection, and hope to those living with loss. Follow this link to become a Supporter:
Welcome Back And The Theme
SPEAKER_00Welcome to Don't Forget to Breathe. I'm Bruce Barker, here with my co-host, Kristen Glenn. There's something that happens in grief that no one really prepares you for. You know, in the beginning, everyone remembers. People call, they check in, they remember the birthdays, anniversaries, and they ask how we're doing. But as the years pass, life continues moving forward for everyone around us. The calls become less frequent. Fewer people mention our child's name. And sometimes it can feel as though the world is slowly forgetting someone who remains such an important part of our lives. In this episode, Kristen and I talk about what that looked like for each of us many years after the deaths of Zach and Kristen. We talk about birthdays and anniversaries, watching our children's friends grow older, the milestones our children never got to experience, and why something as simple as hearing someone say their name can mean so much. Because our children didn't become less important simply because more time passed. So wherever you are on your own grief journey, or if you're walking beside someone who has lost a child, we hope you'll join us for this conversation. Hey Kristen, how's it going?
SPEAKER_01It's okay, Bruce. Nice to see you.
SPEAKER_00It is good to see you, and I'm gonna say it. It is great to have you back in the saddle. I knew I was gonna say it. You can't resist. I couldn't resist. No, but seriously, it's um so good to have you back. Thanks. Missed you. And we're kicking off season five, actually, your episode with the moms from your last retreat. We started us off and then had a guest on the last two episodes. So I hope everyone enjoyed that. And tonight, we're just gonna have our little kind of catch-up conversation and talk about some of the stuff that we've wanted to talk about before. And it's come up in other episodes, I think, with some of the parents, little pieces of it here and there. We're gonna kind of talk about when everyone else stops remembering. The thought behind that is, you know, my child didn't become less important because more time passed. Going back to um the early time, you know, there was so much attention surrounding the death in the beginning, right? People call, uh, they send messages, they bring food, they remember birthdays, anniversaries, and they're always asking how you're doing. And then that gradually stops. And I think there's something that happens in grief that nobody really prepares you for. In the beginning, everyone remembers. And then over time, you begin to realize fewer and fewer people are remembering with you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's so well said. And with time our children don't become any less important. And, you know, Zach is as much a part of
When Remembering Starts To Fade
SPEAKER_01my life as he was the moment he was born into my life. And it is it's surprising how little people maybe feel comfortable or feel like it's appropriate maybe to continue to mention him when we're gathered together, even people that knew him very well during his short life. Yeah, the calendar moves forward, but that doesn't mean our love for our child has somehow diminished or changed. How is that for you with missing Kristen and knowing that others may not mention her name as often?
SPEAKER_00They don't, you know. Most don't. You know, definitely in the beginning. But I think we've talked about it where I think it's just people like you said, they're they don't know what to say or they get uncomfortable or they just kind of move forward with life. We know that the world moves on, but we know we don't move on. We just move forward and we carry them with us. So with Kristen, it's not any less. There's nothing any less. I mean, there's moments I guess there's moments when I realized that people they're just not gonna ask as often anymore. Was that the same for you?
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. And I find that even if I have a day where I feel like, oh, I really want to talk about his life or imagine him as an adult now, the discomfort is heightened after this many years. Like somehow they worry about me if I'm continuing to talk about him, but yet I'm fine talking about my other surviving children. But he's kind of this awkward, it can really stop a conversation if I even want to say, oh, I remember when he liked that as a toddler, or I remember being a first-time mom, and people often think I'm referring to his sister, and that is insulting to me. I remember at the time it being insulting, being pregnant again, and people treating me like I was going through a through, you know, for a first time, and just kind of wanting to say, I've done this. Like I I have I've had a child before. I had a nearly four-year-old, and this it's interesting with time. It doesn't seem to soften people's discomfort with me uh wanting to just incorporate him in discussion. It doesn't need to be a sad discussion, it can be just a remembering a couple of seconds.
SPEAKER_00I I find that interesting. Your experience and my experience are very different because you had other children and and Kristen was my only child.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_00So I there's more silence on my end because there's not other children to talk about. Interesting. Where you know, some of those same people are still in your life, but like you said, they get them confused or they're they talk about your other children, but then avoid. Is that do you think they just avoid talking about Zach?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Absolutely. And some people that have been in our lives forever, I guess I haven't told, but I just somehow thought that they would know. He didn't die in the community that I live in currently. But I'm still every once in a while shocked by talking with someone that didn't know we've gone through that. And it's often people that are primarily my husband's friends because he views this as a very private matter and not one that he will tell people at work, etc. He he wants this to be really kind of close to the chest and not not have other people know or comment. It's really, like I said, very private to him. So I'm always surprised when I have one of his friends in interaction with us together or me with them and and I'll talk about Zach, and they didn't even know that he existed.
SPEAKER_00Wow. It's been years for both of us, but going back to that first anniversary, I know for me it was daunting.
The Awkward Silence Around Their Name
SPEAKER_00It was I was dreading it. I was seeing that date. And and and maybe it was the same for you. Did you feel when that first anniversary passed? How did you feel when someone didn't acknowledge it? Because I know on my in my mind, it's right on the it's on the front of my mind. It's on the forefront. And then Were you disappointed? I know I was. Were you disappointed when people didn't acknowledge it? They didn't remember anniversary number one.
SPEAKER_01Oh, absolutely. I mean, it was the moment my life changed forever.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01Part of me died that day. And now I have to say this many years later, I really don't want to be responsible for thanking people for remembering the day that he died. I really want to just you and I talked about it. I told you that that week that, you know, it was in July for me and and you as well. I just kind of go in a cave. But after this many years, it's different. I really don't want to receive too many text or remembrances because I I feel so responsible for responding with gratitude and checking in on other people. And I really I don't have enough energy to be responsible for anything other than my own breathing in and out because it still hits me. But I really do love love, love, love for people to remember his birthday. It was the day I became a mom. So I think until my dying day, I'll really appreciate his birthday being acknowledged. But for me, the the day he died, I really don't. I'm okay with people remember it. I mean that's their they they're grieving too. A lot of people miss him. But I don't want to be responsible for their grief because I can barely handle my own.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I don't I don't need everyone else to grieve Kristen the way I do. No one will. No, but it it means something when someone remembers. It does for me when I get that text or that note on Instagram of hey, thinking about you today.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay, you remember. Like that means that means a lot.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Um, speaking of birthdays, what what do birthdays look like for you now?
SPEAKER_01You know, that's interesting. I think for the first several years I felt a lot of pressure to make it special for uh Remembrance Day or for other people. And now I kind of let it be what it needs to be, but I want it to be you I want it to be authentic, and I don't want to force having energy for things that I truly don't have energy for, but I I want to honor him and his life on that day in some way. But I do I do remember the first couple years having a lot of people ask me, what are you gonna do for his birthday? And me truthfully saying, I have no idea. I don't know what I'm gonna feel up to until the day arrives.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I think I felt that that pressure too of I should be doing something. I'm so I mean, and really for other people, when it was just another very hard day for me, because I looked at it as yeah, we don't get to celebrate together. Right. And the birthdays stopped. Right. Even though, I mean, for her, it's not but it changed for me over the years in the probably the last five years I and and I know we've talked about it on previous episodes. I couldn't tell you what season, but where I've become more intentional about her birthday, but it's for just the two of us, but being very intentional about it. Um so it's definitely changed over the years. Has it changed for you?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think the intentionality and giving myself permission to do what feels right, you know, just for me. For a while that felt selfish because I felt like, well, what about his grandparents and what about my husband? And what about the the siblings that came afterwards? I felt very responsible for kind of that community of people that loved him dearly, and now I feel fine with it being just I like what you said, it's just between him and I. Like I'll remember that phrase. And other people can do what is right for their relationship with Zach. But I I do like that idea of the the intentionality. I think it's become quieter, it's become more inward. I can't imagine him older than he was on the last moment I saw him, so he's forever my little guy. So it's kind of imagining what would be done with a a toddler, not an adult to parent relationship, because that was never our reality. And now that I have adult children, I know it would have been a very, very different relationship because I'm living now having the age that he would be, and he just was never that was never our relationship. I was his his mommy, right? He's the little guy. So I feel like Yeah.
SPEAKER_00I I see Kristen as forever twenty. Yeah. Right. So I I don't spend time trying to imagine her at different ages. And again, and that's just for me. And and and I know that it's that's going to be different for all of our listeners. They may be in again for me, as an having her as my only child, you know, not currently being in a relationship is very easy that it can just be the two of us. For those parents that are out there who are together, have other children, maybe there's more pressure from the other siblings with community to do something. And I know that one of the moms that I uh that I've met with, uh, would meet with on a regular basis for the for the first few years, it was a big family thing. And that was one of the things where she felt a lot of pressure to do that and asked my opinion on it, because again, not a trained professional. Just asked my opinion on it, and I just said what I did.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's all we can offer.
SPEAKER_00It was just personal, and she goes, I think that's that's what I'm gonna do. And then, and in fact, it was. She told everyone, like, hey, are we gonna do this? We're gonna, you know, they were asking about the plans, and she goes, No, there's no plans.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00It's just gonna be me and my daughter, and we're gonna do our own thing. And you guys are if you want to celebrate, you wanna buy the cake, you want to do all of that stuff, that's great. You guys do that. I'm
Anniversaries And Birthday Boundaries
SPEAKER_00doing something different.
SPEAKER_01Mm-hmm. It's been I felt more at peace at doing it that way. I do know, you know, this this mom that I've become very close with, that uh she does a birthday party every year and kind of adapts it to what age his friends have all become. And it's really it enriches her heart to be around his friends and see them. It's painful too, but she really has continued to be a big part of his friends' lives as they've gone on from elementary to middle school. And I think it's so courageous of her. And I've witnessed, you know, the things that she's done. It just for me, I don't have any connections with his little preschool friends. I certainly see people becoming his age, you know, of I've kept track, certainly, of how old he'd be. And it was weird. One thing that happened was I was teaching high school the year he would have graduated. And that might was always in my mind, but I was selected as one of the the senior class teacher to walk um with the the students, which was such an honor. But I really struggled that morning because there I was on the floor of the huge commencement here in Fort Collins, and I was thinking this would be Zach's this would be Zach's graduation day. So that was a moment of not realizing a day was gonna hit me, and it did. Do you feel that day? Do you anticipate? Do you feel it like I've often said I could I could be in a cave without any calendars, and I would know in my body when this day is. Does it does it physiologically set in when the season or the day arrives?
SPEAKER_00It does, and I didn't realize that. Well, there was it was a few years ago, and it's happened twice, where and this was on the anniversary date, not her birthday, but I woke up and I didn't remember. And it wasn't until the next day that it hit me like, oh my gosh, that was yesterday.
SPEAKER_02Wow.
SPEAKER_00Why was I so pissy at everyone? Where I uh I just was in a mood. I was not and I and nothing for no reason.
SPEAKER_02Right, not your normal self.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, nothing. I there was no interactions with people that that would cause that. It was just like I'm in this super lousy mood, and then realizing that was the body remembering.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So whether it was, you know, I was conscious of it or not, my body knew. Like, hey, this is this is that. And I think that's okay. You know, I don't think that there needs to be pressure to remember. And if we forget, that's okay too.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Uh and and the same as, you know, with any of this, in ha there's no right way or wrong way. So have the birthday party.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00If that works for you, that's great. It's gonna be different for everyone, and that's okay. So Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And letting the day be easy is okay too. If it's I think sometimes people have very well intentionally sent me texts that say that today must have been a terribly hard day for you. And, you know, I usually just graciously say, Yeah, but I really want to say no, hit me last Monday at two o'clock in the morning. You know, it's not, it's not like our grief circles this on a calendar and says, this is the only day you're gonna be devastatingly sad. And so I think it's important to be curious about people's grief even on this day, and just say the words that you you just said, thinking of you. That doesn't say, I know this must be a horrible day, because maybe it's not. Maybe their their birthday is one that people want to continue to celebrate, you know, and maybe the lost day was really sad the week before. Maybe their child was on life support for a week, and so they really recognize a different day than you know of. Or maybe the accident happened a month before. I think it's really important to say what days hit you hard and can you predict them and be curious about it. Kristen was so much older than Zach with her 20 years on this planet. Do you keep in touch with any of her friends or witness them on social media platforms?
SPEAKER_00I don't uh I don't keep in touch with them. They're they live in Louisiana and I'm here, so there's really no thing that crosses over there. However, friends that I do see, especially the ones that their kids were friends with Kristen, you know, when they were small and and had kind of grown up together, I do see them on social media and I see them growing up and ha and them having children and weddings and careers and all of these milestones, all of these things happening. And sometimes, yeah, sometimes it hits me. And when I see that, not so much I I guess more it's it's what she's missed out on. We've talked about that, you know, the life that our children could have had and what would that be like. The only one that that got me at any point that really stuck with me was no grandchildren.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00When I'm seeing others of friends of mine who, you know, have had children and then and now they have grandchildren. And so that's something, yeah, that I definitely grieve. But I also understand that there are those that just wasn't possible. Maybe they haven't lost a child, but they may still grieve that as well. Right. Absolutely. And understand that it's it is not unique to parents who've lost children. It can be to others as well who grieve futures that we don't have
Triggers, Milestones, And Body Memory
SPEAKER_00for whatever reason.
SPEAKER_01I heard um grief described one time as what our expectations are versus what our reality is. You know, and that gap, the wider that gap is, the more depth of sorrow, you know, and to have this life where you imagine Kristen having a partner and making you a grandpa, like that gap is vast and the reality of losing her as a young adult. Um so of course the depth is lifelong sorrow at some level. We have expectations of our life and wishes and hopes and dreams, and part of our grief is that we're grieving literally for our child and the life that they didn't get to live.
SPEAKER_00I mean, sure the imagination can run, but I don't, especially now, I don't dwell on that. That can last all of 20 seconds, 30 seconds, going, okay, this could have been cool. If I see something that, you know, uh again, I guess you might call them the triggers or whatever that where you you see something and go, oh, that would have been nice, or that I guess I could imagine that.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00But it it's fleeting now, 20 years away. Yeah. Maybe not as much early on, and for our listeners, depends on where you are. And you could be 20 years out and it's still be weighing on you so heavily, and that's okay. Yeah. Again, there's no right way, wrong way with all of this. I know people stop it well, it's a little different for us, I guess, because we have this podcast. So there's a little bit more visibility. But before that, what it would mean when someone would just unexpectedly, you know, just out of the blue say Kristen's name. If they out of the blue say Zach's name. What's that? How'd that feel for you?
SPEAKER_01Oh, it's such a gift. And this far out, it's a rare gift. In Colorado, we have this Renaissance fair thing, and we used to go all the time with with Zachary. He loved it. And I I didn't think anybody really remembered that. And my mom just out of the blue. The other day was like, yeah, the Renaissance fair is here. And remember when we went with Zach and he had one of those great big pickles and was just loved just strolling them around. And you know, I should circle back to her and tell her how much that meant to me because it was a month ago, and I still reflect on the fact that as his grandma, she grieves, she remembers, she had a memory that I didn't have. I think I would I didn't even see him at the festival right then. Maybe she was alone while, you know, I was off with friends or whatever. It was such a treasure. And I think it's kind of our responsibility to let people know when something like that means a lot. You know, it's like cur encouraging good behavior of our kids, like encourage the good. And I don't think now this is the first time I've thought about it. I don't think I paused and told her like thanks, Mom. That was really important to me. Because still there's months and months and months that go by that he's I I think it's part of probably part of the the gift of doing a podcast, right? Is that we get to encourage others to speak that sacred name of their children. We get to meet their children vicariously, they get to meet ours. And it's it's a really sacred ground to me to hear the story of someone's child. It's a it's a gift and it's uh it takes vulnerability and it takes someone believing that you're gonna listen and that you're gonna care and you're gonna be curious about their life. And so often people are curious about the cause of death and the reason to death, and it's so beautiful when people focus on their life. So tonight's given me a to-do to to thank my mom for because that was pretty recent, and up until then, it's been a long time. How about you?
SPEAKER_00It's funny, I get it from the guests on the show. Yeah. They're the ones that ask, they're the ones that say her name. Now, granted, it's the same name as your name, as I pointed out. The spelling is different, so I have to sometimes be very clear what Kristen I'm talking about.
SPEAKER_01But I am young enough to be his daughter, by the way.
SPEAKER_00I I do get, I do get like you said, this is great space, it's sacred space. I it is because I get to have those conversations with the parents that come on to share their stories and they ask, the same as we ask. That's right. And as you said, kind of live vicariously and get to know their their children and they get to know ours as well. And that's really good. And I think it's different, it's certainly different for everyone. The same as we say that grief is a very unique experience for everyone. Because for me, I'm outside that community where she
Say Their Name And Make Space
SPEAKER_00lived. Right. I moved around quite a lot in the amusement park industry. I settled in Colorado, and she was still in Louisiana. She was going to move to Colorado, but I'm not around around even the friends that I had there from this town. Yeah. Where a lot of people, and maybe including yourself, you're embedded in the community. So it never goes away as far as there's no distance to where people don't know, like in my case, they don't know Kristen, other than when we have conversations and we talk about, and mostly it comes up because of doing the podcast. But in those situations where you're in a community that everyone knows and everyone knew them, I think that that is a place where this can be much more painful when people stop saying their names and they even avoid it. And I know we've said this before. Those that live in community that have that everyone knew the child.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00Everyone maybe even know the story. When they stop asking and when they stop saying their name out of awkwardness for them, avoidance, they might think it's a a pain reminder, like we talked about. Right. But the bottom line, and this is something that you could say, you know, to those that are listening, if you find yourself in this position and you feel that that your friends or whoever it is that that you're talking with are avoid you can you can tell when people are avoiding against the the elephant in the room kind of a thing. Right. You can let them know, you know, you're not reminding me that my child died. Trust me, I haven't forgotten. Right. You're reminding me that they lived when you say their name and you ask about them. And you we have the stories to share. Like you were saying, like, remember going to the Renaissance Festival to have Yeah, so simple. You're not making us sad, and you're not reminding us of something that we've forgotten. It's okay. And it's okay to be in that that little bit of awkwardness, but you will you will learn. So then those two that that we we do this podcast for that are walking with someone, maybe have ask, yeah, ask questions, you know, have the stories. And if there's tears, that's okay. You didn't cause the tears. You're not the cause. No, you allowed the tears. You allowed them. You made space for them. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I I just think I think it's, you know, similar to letting people know what is helpful and what we appreciate. I think it is also sometimes the grieving person's responsibility or it falls on us at least to just say, it's okay. I'm tearful because you just gave me a beautiful memory and it really touched my heart. Please do that more. I mean, I think as hard as it is sometimes to ask for what you need, I think that we have to kind of be the educators because we're the ones that are going through it. To the the folks that are walking alongside us, because they often do have good intentions. And I think it's appropriate and needed often to let people know what's helpful and what's not helpful, but give them permission to maybe follow their instincts. Because I think people want to do the right thing. They're just scared that they're gonna mess it up and cause more hurt than help out.
SPEAKER_00So as we close this first part of our conversation, I keep coming back to something we talked about today. When you say our child's name, you're not reminding us that they died. Trust me, we haven't forgotten. But you're reminding us that they lived. So if you're walking beside a bereaved parent, don't be afraid to share the memory. Ask the question or simply say their child's name. There may be tears, and that's okay. You didn't cause those tears. You simply created a safe place for them. And for those of us who are bereaved parents, maybe part of this journey is also giving the people around us permission to remember with us and letting them know when something they've said or done has touched our hearts. In part two, our conversation takes an unexpected and much more personal turn. We started by talking about the fear that other people might forget our children. But then Kristen shared something I think many bereaved parents may understand. What happens when we become afraid that we're the ones forgetting? We'll talk about fading memories and things that unexpectedly bring those memories back and what it means to continue carrying our children with us, even decades later. Until then, take care of yourself, take care of each other, and don't forget to breathe.
