A Little Help For Our Friends

Why 2025 Was a Lonely Year And How To Rebuild Connection

• Dr. Kibby McMahon • Season 6 • Episode 169

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Well, 2025 is almost over and by all accounts, it was one of the hardest for mental health across America. The past year felt like emotional sandpaper: unstable jobs, AI anxiety, and a constant stream of obligations that made even simple days feel crowded. Beneath all that noise, a quieter force did much of the damage: loneliness. In this episode, Dr. Kibby unpacks why January often hits hardest after the holidays, why being surrounded by people can still feel empty, and how one-way relationships quietly burn us out.

Dr. Kibby discusses a candid look at over-giving, how being so focused on other people can lead to a sneaky sense of loneliness. She breaks loneliness into three solvable parts: 1. Building real emotional support, 2. Being seen for who we really are, and 3. Restoring reciprocity so care flows both ways. 

She also talks about finding community where you might not expect it. If your local circle doesn’t yet hold the parts of you that crave air, that’s a bridge, not a dead end. The goal isn’t more social plans; it’s richer resonance. By focusing on one small habit each week (one ask, one honest share, one reciprocal ritual) you can turn the quiet of January into a reset for connection.

Happy new year, Little Helpers. We're grateful for this community and see you in 2026

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Dr. Kibby McMahon:

Hi guys, welcome to A Little Help for Friends, a podcast for people with loved ones struggling with mental health. Hey little helpers, it's Dr. Kibby here. Before we dive into this episode, I wanted to tell you how I could help you navigate the mental health or addiction struggles of the people you love. Coolamine is an online coaching platform and community that I built to support you in the moment when you need it the most, like having hard conversations, asserting your needs, or setting boundaries. Even if you're just curious and want to chat about it, book a free call with me by going to the link in the show notes or going to coolamine.com, K-U-L-A-M-I-N-D.com and click get started. Thank you and enjoy the show. Welcome back, little helpers. This is the last episode of 2025. So it got me thinking a little bit about why 2025 sucks so much and why people have such terrible mental health in this year and how to actually use that information to make 2026 a little bit better. So from what I can see, I mean, it's crazy. The amount of distress, mental health problems, I mean, we're just like, I mean, it breaks my heart to think about like the Rob Reiner and his son situation where we're just having this explosion of mental health crises and people feeling so lost and helpless and exhausted. Um wondering like why that is. Wondering what is the what are some of the reasons why 2025 sucks so much. And looking at the research, there's a lot of reasons why 2025 was really hard. But one of them, of course, is the economic instability, a lot of people losing their jobs, a lot of people um not knowing what the future holds. You know, AI is here, and that's changing and even threatening some other jobs, right? So there's a lot of uncertainty, especially with people's livelihoods going on right now. But the surprising cause of 2025 shittiness is loneliness. And I am trying to, I know I talked about loneliness on this podcast before. Social connection is the more I read into the research, the more the data just screams out that social connection is one of the best things that you can do for your mental health. Not even just mental health, health in general. There people live longer when they feel like they have good relationships. They are happier, they have less heart disease. Um, they, I mean, even like the mortality rates are so low. It's almost they there's some research showing that being lonely is just as bad as smoking cigarettes regularly. So having being not lonely is really, really important. But there's something interesting I'm noticing about my clients lately and the people I talk to is people aren't aware of how lonely they are. Especially people who identify like me identify as like people-oriented person, right? You're like around people all the time, you might have family, you might have a partner, you might be, you know, you might have a very interactive job, right? Or you're talking to a lot of people, you might have a lot of friends, or maybe don't. But people who are have a very peopled life sometimes wonder, you know, why do I feel lonely sometimes? And there's a really particular kind of lonely feeling when you're surrounded by people. There's a there's a loneliness that to me feels like exhaustion. I don't know about you guys, but I am so tired. I am so, so tired. It feels like there's just like, I mean, just beyond that loneliness. Like there's it feels like there's a million things to pay attention to and to keep track of, right? Like just like life is just so there's so many emails and so many subscriptions and I don't know, taxes, and you know, being an adult is just hard, okay. And especially in 2025 when things are kind of shit storm, it's uh it's really, really tiring. And I feel like there's a particular kind of loneliness that actually feels like exhaustion. So I'm gonna talk a little bit about loneliness and what makes people lonely and try to understand. Okay, if if we understand what makes people lonely, how can we reverse engineer it so that we make sure that we have a very connected 2026? By the way, I'm also talking about this topic because this time last year we did an episode where we really talked about how January is the worst month for mental health. Okay. I know all of us, at least if you're like me, like you just had holidays, right? You just had you just maybe traveled, you brought all the kids, or you know, you just you managed plans, right? You're thrown out of your routine, you go to someone's house or they come to you and you know, just spend a lot of money and buy presents, stuff like that. It was like we might be on the other side of that hill of the all activity, and you think, Well my god, I'm so stressed now. But I'm always surprised to see that the research shows that holiday time is not not the highest time for a mental health crisis. The highest time for mental health emergencies and crises like ER visits and um self-harm and everything like that is actually in January. And they think it's because you know it's darker, so that sucks. But that people are actually around other people during the holidays, and then in January everything goes quiet. So I wanted to talk about this because um I want to get plant this seed in your head about why January often sucks um and why it's so lonely, and what to do intentionally to make sure that you feel like supportive during a really hard time. So, what is loneliness? You might know the feeling of loneliness, that sad pit in your stomach, the the gnawing, the kind of restlessness, but also shut down. At least that's how I feel lonely. But we might know what it is, what it feels like, but we might not know what it is. So I'm gonna talk about just the definition of loneliness, and then I'll talk about three major things that actually make people lonely and how how we can use that to to flip it and be like, okay, if I know this makes people lonely, then here's how I'm gonna stay out of it. So loneliness is it's interesting. Loneliness is not just you don't you don't know people or you don't have people in your life, right? You might, again, as I mentioned, like having, you know, you might have a big group of people, a lot of people in your lives. You might be really like, um, you have a very peopled life. My therapist actually said that once, and I thought it was interesting. Peopled life. And yet you can still feel lonely. So loneliness is actually defined as the distressing feeling that your relationships are inadequate, right? Either they're not enough or they're not good enough. And there is a distinction in the literature that there is emotional loneliness, which is lacking a closed confidant, someone to um talk to and rely on emotionally. And there's also social loneliness, which is lacking a broader network. Okay. So there's those two parts, the emotional part and the social part. So it really is not just whether you're around people or not, but loneliness is determined by how do you feel about the people in your life? How do you feel about your relationships? How how how much do they satisfy their your needs? How good do you think they are? How much do they satisfy your needs? Right. And there are certain just very basic things, very like practical things that lead to less loneliness. One is having a partner. By far, married people tend to be less lonely, obviously. Um, and especially for men. And in fact, in older life, um, in the when in elderly um men who are still married or have a partner tend to be wildly less lonely because they really rely on their partner too um for that social engagement. I I totally see that in the older generation where like the grandpa's like won't go anywhere unless their their wives make them, right? So as having a partner or being married, your living arrangements, and whether you're in touch often with friends and family. Right? That seems kind of obvious. So for the for having a partner, okay, yes, it is very possible to be lonely in a relationship, in your marriage with someone else. So I don't want to ignore that part. Marriage within a loneliness has its own flavor. It it feels more resentful, it feels more uh like stinging mad. That's I mean, that's the way I just I describe feeling lonely when you're even partnered with someone. It's this is constantly this feeling of you have the thing in front of you that's supposed that you want the most, right? But it just feels out of reach. So it feels to me kind of like a like a glass wall between you and that person. And I feel like people who are in a relationship but feel lonely, it stings so much more because there's the promise of the company. There's a promise that you're not lonely, that you have someone. But yet maybe that expectation of, well, I'm married. I should, I shouldn't, I should not feel this way. I should feel happy that I'm married. Um, those people would tend to feel like resentful, like, I think I thought I had something, but I actually don't. So it is it is very possible to feel lonely in a relationship, however, overall the stats show that people who are partnered or are married tend to feel less lonely over the course of their life, obviously, especially for men. Men, there the data is staggering, just how miserable older men are if they don't have a partner. And that's mostly because they rely on their wives to bring them out to family functions, um, get on the phone with their son, uh, go go hang out with their friends while the wives hang out with you know, the their wife friends. So it's it's just interesting that lack of loneliness, especially for the elderly, is so important. And yet with men, this is a real critical issue, right? So being married and then living arrangements, very clearly, if you're living with somebody, you're gonna feel less lonely. And then also the the last obvious point that leads to uh loneliness is not being in touch with family and friends. The research shows that even just regular contact with other people does decrease loneliness. Okay, so if even talking to barisa, even talking to um your friend through text every once in a while, like just having little contact with your friends and family regularly will still really buffer from loneliness. So even if you think like, oh, okay, I'm not gonna talk to someone because I'll just catch up with them, I'll have a big catch-up later. No, just do even little regular check-ins with your friends and family. That's supposed to really decrease loneliness. Okay, so those are the practical things, right? That's just like how do you how do you live your life? But I found that there are three major causes of loneliness that once we understood it, we can it gives us the tools to actually figure out how to how to overcome them. So the three major causes of loneliness is one feeling like you don't have emotional support. And what I mean by that is feeling that you don't have anyone in your life that understands you and respond to you when you feel sad, when you feel lonely, when you need something. So not having someone who responds to your emotions. Two is not feeling seen, not feeling like people know you for who you really are inside. Like you can't share, like you don't, like people don't know who you really are when you're not performing, when you're not trying, when you're not in public. Um they only know one side of you. And what that often feels like is actually a lot of anxiety. Like when you're around people, you're constantly performing, you're constantly seeking. It's uh it's more of like a um like a conscious exercise than it is just relaxing and being with someone, right? Like people who don't feel like they're seen and known for who they are don't feel authentic around others. Or they feel like they try to be authentic and there's a part of them that just isn't seen by the people around them. And often those parts that feel unseen are the darker sides, the more shameful sides, the messier, imperfect, right, flawed side, right? The worst side of you. Not really the worst side, but the most vulnerable side. If that doesn't feel seen and known by other people, you could feel extremely lonely. And the third one is reciprocity, feeling like you have mutual give and take relationships. So what that feels like is that if you feel like you don't have that, if you don't have mutual relationships, is that the care is flowing one direction. And actually, you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, people I've treated, or people I've worked with in the past, um, I hear loneliness from people who say that they're givers. They give, give, give, give, give, and never feel like they receive care back, like they have one-wave relationships. But actually, people who also have one-way relationships towards them also feel quite lonely, which has been really interesting to hear. People who they identify as people who like like to receive and are takers, they tend to feel also really lonely. Like they're not that they can feel the imbalance and they don't know what to do to stop it. They don't know how they they don't know, they know that reciprocity is important, but they don't know how to do that in a way that's satisfying to both parties. So I'll just say that whenever people feel like relationships are generally one way, that tends to lead to a lot of loneliness. So with the three major causes of loneliness, feeling like you don't have social support, feeling like people don't know you or see you for who you are, and not feeling like your relationships are mutual, like your relationships are one way. Those three things are kind of like hidden causes of loneliness. I'll tell you why, because you can feel like you have people around you, like friends, and you might have a what they call low social loneliness. You might have a ton of people around you in your life, but you might feel emotionally lonely, right? You might, I don't know, you might be boss at your work, but you don't feel like anyone is there for you when you're feeling like scared or vulnerable or weak, no one to confide to. I I found that the reciprocity thing to be really interesting when I think about myself because I definitely do not feel like I'm lonely. I I really have focused for many, many years on building my relationship. So I really find that that's one of the biggest the the biggest achievement I've ever had in my life is to is to have people in my life who I really, really love and value and and respect friends and family and everything like that. So I'm very lucky. Not lucky, I've worked on it, which is what I'm all the stuff that I'm talking about now, like I had to actually build this, but I feel like I'm very lucky that I feel very connected and loved. However, there are times that I felt lonely. And I think I've been feeling that recently, and it's been it's again, this is one of these like secret causes because I on the one hand, I think so much about how lucky I am to have so many people in my life that are amazing, but there is this loneliness that shows up in me as a tiredness of like a lack of motivation, of like a dread. That's it. That's like this dread feeling like and that's because I have such a skewed makeup in my brain that reciprocity, having relationships with a really equal, mutual back and forth, that is something that is kind of escaped me. And it's the way this show ups up is it some people don't won't even notice this. I mean, most of my friends will say that when they try to ask me how I am, I'll just go straight to them and ask how are you? And I look to relationships as I have to give, give, give, give, give. And if I don't, it's gonna be a problem. People are gonna be upset, right? So I'm a little bit of an overfunctioner, people blazer, right? And so it's so weird. I'm gonna try to picture it now in my body. Like there's just so many people in my life that I love. But if I think, okay, I'm gonna go to dinner, I'm gonna go make plans with someone, I'm gonna go to another family event. There's this feeling of like, oh God, oh god. Like even thinking about making new friends or taking on new clients, there's a part that goes, oh, like I'm Steadying myself for an uphill climb. Which sounds so terrible when I say that out loud because I love these people. But I I feel like oh, social interaction and relationships mean I just give and give, and I'm doing, I'm doing like as if adding a new person in my life would add on another to-do list. That's just so sad to say. But there's this feeling like a relationship means that I'm just outpouring. I'm just outpouring. It's my duty. I have to do it. And if I don't, that violates relationships and they'll leave me or, you know, whatever. So I feel this like tiredness, which actually is this feeling of loneliness from not truly understanding reciprocity in relationships. And that is my big resolution for New Year's, is to learn how to have mutual relationships where I'm giving, but I'm also receiving. I mean, just as such silly examples, but in the in the past week, I've been really working on this where normally I treat friends to things to, you know, like birthday things or whatever. And I have a couple people in my life who are just wonderful givers and give me like the most amazing gifts or they they share with me. However, when they do, I just feel horrible. Like I feel so guilty. Like God, like I think I mentioned last time, but my husband made like this this book, the scrapbook with all my friends and family wrote lovely messages in it. And immediately I was just filled with guilt. Like, oh my god, all these people did these nice things. I have to give something back. Oh, if I if I if I don't say something to them, they're gonna be upset, right? So just like receiving something from me, receiving love from other people fills me with like anxiety or guilt or shame, whatever. And it's really in my news resolutions to learn how to receive. So in the past week, I allowed myself to receive some wonderful birthday gifts from my friends for my 40th 40th birthday, and I just thought just that I'm gonna just enjoy this and just be grateful. And you know, they love me, they they them giving to me is not going to lead to disaster later, right? So I just allow myself to receive, which is very hard. And then in the past week, I've been it's all internal now. I think about it that I'm receiving help from my in-laws who are like taking care of my toddler when he's running around. Normally I feel guilty that someone is like taking over our responsibility, but I will, you know, like yesterday, just sat on the couch, took a nap while my son played with his grandma. And I was just like, okay, I'm just gonna be happy about it. Or at least just like accepting. So that's why that's what I'm doing with the with the reciprocity. But for you, now that we know that lack of emotional support, lack of feeling seen and known, and lack of reciprocity, all of those are causes of loneliness. Let's flip them around and actually turn them into strategies for your next year of how you could stay connected and really have what I mean by that is to feel like you have nourishing relationships, nourishing friendships. So for the emotional support, feeling that at least one person in your life understands you, responds to you emotionally, and is available when you're distressed. So even now, think about like if there's anyone in your life who you have that emotionally supports you. Someone who you're like, you know what, when I'm having a really bad day, I reach out and I talk to them. Or when I'm feeling at my worst, they just get it. They validate me, they ask to help, they've been there for me, right? If you think about that, and if if nothing comes up for you, then I would say a really big practice is to reach out to people in your life, right? And to really think about like, is there anyone out there who would love to just talk to me when I'm sad or would like to support me? And then see what it's like to actually go to them. And this is a really this is something that I would do with my um my therapy patients. I would say, like, okay, if is there one way you could ask for help? And they will go, oh no, this there's no one, you know, I don't want to bother anyone. It's like just let just try it. Just try it for me. Just go to a friend who, you know, you're friendly with or someone and just just ask for a favor. Just ask for, um, can you just keep me company one day? Or can you, you know, can we talk about this? Like, just see what it's like to reach out to someone and allow them to be there for you. So that is that's one way you could really do the emotional support. And then with the feeling seen and known for who you are, that's a really interesting one because sometimes it's like, who am I? Like, what is my authentic self? But there are certain people, especially like people pleasers, who feel like they're always performing in social situations, right? They know, they may know how to banter back and forth, they may know how to smile, they may know how to tell a fun story or to um compliment the other person, right? There's some people who just like are socially good, but yet they don't feel like they're seen, right? This this kind of like deep loneliness of like maybe there's a part of me that's just like hidden deep down. And I can't show it to the world for whatever reason. Maybe shame, maybe you know, afraid of what people will think, but it's like this fear of sharing your inner experience and allowing yourself to be imperfect and emotionally honest. Like authenticity in the social psychology research, authenticity is just acting without thinking about it and looking back and being like, yeah, I identify with the way I acted, right? It's just like feeling that this is you, and usually that means I'm in the flow, I'm just I'm just acting naturally. That's really what people feel like when they are authentic. And think about if that if you feel that way with the people in your life. Like when you talk to someone, do you are you constantly managing how they think of you, or are you in the moment with them? Right? Are you just are you present? And that's something that is a lot of shame-based um responses where you're like, I just have to hide this part of me, or I have to be a certain person in order to be loved. And this one's a really hard one to work on because it's like just be your authentic self, but really be your authentic self. Like sometimes I'll give clients exercises of okay, you're just going to go up to someone and spend time with them and mentally do a puzzle in your mind or count a certain way and just hang out with them, right? Distracting the mind, right? Some kind of like, or even just like giving them a task, like find out who has the best, you know, Mexican restaurant recommendations or something. So when people are focused on that, then they might not they might not self-manage as much. So it's it's a practice of just can you be with someone else and just not think? Just be in the moment, be present, show sides that are of you that are not perfect, messy, show a peak of the part of you that you're afraid to show the world, right? Like talk about it, and then see what they feel, see see how they respond. It's the not feeling seen and known is it's especially painful for these um these people who are good performers, who know how to um put on a show to get people to like them, right? But they don't feel that their insides are known. And that's really the that's really a confusing form of loneliness. So try to be your authentic self with people. And you know what? Someone told me last year that 2025, if it's gonna the word of the year would be community. And I was like, what? I was you know what? I was just learning about this. I mean, I might be saying this right now, and you guys might be thinking I'm like so dumb and naive, but also so behind. But I'm just realizing the whole world of communities this past year. So community really was the word of 2025 where I found out like just so many different types of online communities have sprung up from monetized communities to free ones. I mean, there are the clear ones like Reddit, right? That's a free community. But I also just started delving into the world of all these like therapists or other kind of coaches or experts on social media will build up a following. And then they'll have these monetized communities like Patreon, where you pay a subscription of a couple dollars to like, you know, I don't know, do their program, listen to their content, and connect to one another. And you know what? I actually found that that was such an interesting way of building your social connection in life. It's like these online monetized communities. I might sound so naive, but whatever. I found that these things were blowing my mind. An example is that I started to learn as much as I can about marketing. And I've been, I'm gonna talk to you guys about how I've been doing more social media for the organic marketing, right? Like hosting on Instagram and stuff like that. And because of that, I want I took, I I joined this community as up other mompreneurs who are also trying to do this too, right? Trying to build up business and learn marketing. And now I'm in these little communities online where, you know, like most of the day I spend alone on my computer or with my husband and kid. Like, I don't see that many people during the day some remote working. But I'm taught I have all these new friends now. Like I have like four or five wonderful women that I've met through these like social media marketing communities, and we text each other, you know, every other day or something like that. And um just like get to know, like one of them's in England, one of them's in Oregon. Like what I mean, I don't even know where the other one is living, but you know, they're all moms and we're all going through the same thing and we have similar values. And I'm just I'm like mostly talking to them on Instagram, but I feel like I have like five new friends is here just from online communities alone. And the reason why I bring that up for feeling seen and known, sometimes these online communities give us this place where we can um share these other parts of us. I mean, that's what's been happening for I mean, ever since I got AOL, if anyone remembers that, um, where you go online and you would just like have an online, you know, like chat with a secret chat with a friend or an online boyfriend or girlfriend that you're flirting with, right? It's just some another outlet for human connection. I know everyone's concerned about how technology is affecting um like relationships of social connection, but it does give so many interesting avenues to connecting to similar and like-minded people, right? You could, you know, I I've talked to people online who who also grew up with alcoholic families and have this like people-pleasing tendencies, right? Like you could you could share these like core, almost like hidden parts of yourself online in this more anonymous, uh free-flowing world. So I feel like if you're struggling to feel like there's nowhere for you to be your authentic self, look for online communities. Look for creators, like people on Instagram or teachers or role models in your field and look to see if they have a community, a monetized community, right? They might have some kind of course where you meet other people who are interested in their thing. It was I just find that a really interesting way to connect people and feel like, oh, I I have another, I bond with these people on a different level. And the reciprocity part, that's the one that I'm working on. And I mentioned that what this really means is that care flows both ways. You feel like you're giving and the other person receiving. And I think that you have to really think about what actually feels mutual, not just what you think or were taught to believe is mutual. I think a really interesting example is what I'm seeing in romantic relationships and marriages. There's shifts in values and there's shifts in understanding what a man and woman or um, you know, a partner or partner should do for each other, right? There's just this whole like gender role change that is in flux right now, and it's really putting strain on relationships. And for example, some some feeling of like this exhaustion, this you know, it feels like you're taking on emotional labor. It's like this loneliness when you feel like you're giving, giving, giving, and not receiving what you feel like feels like care. So, for example, a lot of women are doing everything around the house. Well, not just women, like one person in the in the family are doing everything. They're taking care of the kids, they're thinking about their um workout schedules, their bouncing jobs and stuff like that. So they feel like they're doing a lot. And then sometimes usually the the man, but the other partner will feel like you know, it's my job to earn money, right? It's just I I earn money and this is just what I do. This I'm just the breadwinner. But the wife often feels like, hey, no, what would actually feel good is if I'm giving you emotional care, you also give me emotional care. But if people grow up thinking, well, a mutual relationship is the man does the does these roles and the woman does these roles, and then you're in it and you're like, this doesn't actually feel like I'm being like this is mutual, like I'm giving all these different things, and just a paycheck is not, it doesn't feel like enough. I know that's what you were raised to think and me too, but actually I want something else. I want to feel loved and and uh compassion and gentleness and cared for, right? So I think one piece about the reciprocity is know what you're actually needing in relationships, right? What what when you when you're angry in the relationships, what do you feel like is missing? What do you feel like you're not getting? And then be honest with yourself if you're actually getting it or not, right? Like sometimes people just overlook someone else's attempts, but being really clear of like, okay, if I feel loved, this is what it will look like. People would offer this and actually ask for it from the people who are around you, or really cultivate that in your relationships, and then just ask for it, right? You make it clear, like, hey, you know, I just I really appreciate it if you take me out one night, or I appreciate it if you just listen to what I have to say, right? Because like if you feel like you're holding all the emotional labor, ask clearly for what it feels like to share the load together. Because the type of loneliness that comes from non-mutual relationships, that is the one that I talked about of exhaustion, and that is really what it feels like a caregiver burnout where you just feel like you're just giving, giving, giving and not receiving. And the the real key to remember with that kind of loneliness is that being needed is not the same as feeling loved or connected, right? Sometimes we mix that up. Sometimes if it's like if I give, give, give, give, and people are asking me things, right? And you're giving and meeting their needs, that's not the same as you receiving, right? That's not the same as you feeling love for who you are, not just what you give. To summarize, in 2026, if you feel any of this kind of loneliness, feeling like exhausted and hidden in your own self, then try working intentionally on these steps. Getting more emotional support in your life, actually confiding in people, right? Feeling known and seen, which means showing who you really are to people, even if you have to find your new tribe online. And three, reciprocity. Make sure that you have relationships that feel like a give and take, right? And that you're giving what you feel like is in your capacity and you're willing to give and receive what you really need. So, so I just want to thank you guys all for being here, all for listening. It really means a lot to me. This has been a really tough year, as much as the year before, and this community has been really something that I feel really connected to. And I love you guys, I love the message. Messages you send. Um, I love talking to you. I love hearing your reactions. So please reach out. Um, you could click on that like send a message on the top of the um description to write to me. But uh, I want to wish you guys a happy end of 2025 and let's start 2026 feeling way more connected. Happy New Year, and I'll see you in a week. By accessing this podcast, you acknowledge that the host of this podcast makes no warranty, guarantee, or representation as to the accuracy or sufficiency of information featured in this podcast. The information, opinions, and recommendations presented in this podcast are for general information purposes only, and any reliance on the information provided in this podcast is done at your own risk. 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