Building Stronger Relationships Through Self-Awareness

Building and maintaining strong relationships isn’t just about connection—it begins with understanding your "why"-what’s behind your behavior, rather than just the behavior itself..  This episode focuses on the importance of self-awareness and purposeful action in all our interactions.

3 Key Takeaways:

• Self-Awareness Is Foundational: You are in charge of your thoughts, feelings, and actions—but not anyone else’s. Greater self-awareness empowers you to set boundaries and invest in your own well-being, which benefits every relationship.
• Embrace Differences: Everyone processes life differently—through heart, head, or gut; with varying energy and focus (past, present, future). Recognizing and honoring these differences leads to more grace, understanding, and healthier connections.
• Intentional Action Leads to Transformation: Pick one area to focus on—whether it’s self-care, communication, or personal growth—and commit to investing in yourself. Self-care is not selfish, it is the key to healthy relationships.

Ready to invest in relationships that matter? Start by knowing your why.

Links 

• Join Kelly's Group Coaching Program
• Join Kelly’s Free community on Skool

 Let's connect.

I am cheering for you!

Transcript

0:00

As the people in your life begin to do their work, you can have conversations based on this. We can honor one another's energy. We can honor one another's centers of intelligence. You only have so much emotional, mental, physical energy. You cannot give it to everybody. And when you give it past your capacity, do you know what happens to you? You become depleted. It makes it really hard to make decisions. Welcome to the Live a Vibrant Life podcast. I'm life coach Kelly Tibbits, and each week I'll be here to encourage and equip you with the tools you need to grow in self-awareness and invest your best energy in your dreams and your purpose. I believe self-awareness changes everything. Let's get started. No matter how wonderful People are, they and feel and do life differently than you do. Investing in your relationship starts with this question. Why do you want to invest in this relationship? The goal of today is to begin to become aware of what is your why? Why do you want relationships? There's two paths. We can do life alone and not be around any annoying people. The other option is to be in relationship. The insight that I'm sharing is going to give you grace. It's going to give you understanding. I don't know why people don't teach us this when we're in kindergarten. Everybody else in the whole world thinks, feels and does life differently than you. But we expect everyone to see life the same way we do. And then as you become aware of it, to notice relationships are hard. You have work relationships and family and friends. We're going come up with one goal by the end of today that we're going work on for this month. We overestimate what we can do in a year and we underestimate what we can do in 10 years. My goal in my marriage is two healthy, loving people who are great grandparents. We have three adult children. The goal that I have if we never meet our great grandchildren, we've poured into our kids, who've poured into their kids, who've poured into their kids. That's a long-term goal that helps me to make the decisions I make. I don't make my decision based on a day -what I want today to look like. I make my decisions based on what I want, 10 years, 20 years, 30 years from now. Who do you want to be in 10 years? Who do you want around you in 10 years? The five people that we invest in the most, they influence us. There are studies out there that the people you spend the most time with, you look like them, financially. You look like them physically, you look like them emotionally because they're pouring into you. The people you are in relationship with can't make you feel anything. This is transformative. We walk through life thinking that when people say things, it makes us feel things. When people do things, it makes us feel things, and I want you to know that's not true. When a person says or does something, that is what's called a circumstance. It is something outside of you. I don't know if it's your boss or someone you're in relationship with or a friend. They do something, they say something and when they do that or say something, you feel a vibration in your body. We call that vibration a feeling. We think that it's because of that person. But what I want you to know is that person said or did something and you know what happened inside your body. A vibration happened because you had a thought that you don't even realize. We have tens of thousands of thoughts a day. We don't even know they're there. Those thoughts create feelings. You are in charge of three things, your thoughts, your feelings, and your actions. But you have no authority over any thought, feeling, or action of anyone you're in relationship, whether it's work, family, any relationship at all. You have no authority over their thoughts, feelings, and actions. They get to keep them all. What you have authority over is, your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. what it means to be self-aware. We're going start with three words that describe you. Why do you think those three words describe you? Do you think any of these words are good words? Do you think any of these words are negative words? What I'd like to offer you is every single descriptor of you has a positive and a negative side, like the two sides of a coin. The best thing you can do is set aside 10 minutes and use that time to identify the side of that word that you think is helpful in moving you towards that 10 year goal? The other side of that same word that sometimes isn't a strength. Sometimes it holds me back. The Enneagram gives us our why. Why we think, feel, and do life the way we do. The key to relationships is to know that a lot of frustration happens when we have unspoken, unagreed upon expectations. Do not expect your emotional, physical, financial, relational health to come from anyone outside of you. The very worst thing we can do is walk around in life with a cup looking for other people to pour into it. The reason relationships are hard, is we process information through DIFFERENT centers of intelligence. The Enneagram tells us :nine different ways of thinking, feeling, and doing, it also tells us three different instincts. And so when you put all that together, there's 27 ways of thinking, feeling, and doing life. How do you make a decision? Some people make a decision through their heart things just "feel" right. Some people make decisions through their head. They are looking for information, they're reading, they're processing, but at the end of the day, like it has to make sense in their mind. And then other people make their decisions based on their gut. For those of you who make decisions in your gut, it's like to you, there's right and there's wrong, and you just know it. You don't need the documentation for it. It's going to take a bit of work to figure out those three. Three different centers of intelligence mean when you're having a conversation with somebody and they're processing from one center of intelligence and you're processing from another. Sometimes you're just missing each other. My husband and I didn't know this about our relationship until I discovered the Enneagram. I'm a very smart person, but I process through my heart. He's a very smart person, but he processes through his head. Our most common argument is him saying to me, what were you thinking? And me saying, I don't know,. Because I don't. As someone who processes through my heart, I have a hard time with thought downloads and figuring out my thoughts. When someone processes through their mind, their thoughts are very easy, but sometimes their feelings are hard to access. When someone processes information through their gut, they often struggle with both their thoughts and their feelings. They just know, but they don't know why they know. So the first thing to understand- there's three ways of processing information from three centers of intelligence. Now we're going talk about time. Three sevens and eights love the future. Tomorrow is going to be awesome. Tomorrow is going to be amazing. Ones, twos and sixes on the Enneagram live in the present. What's supposed to happen today, let me check that off and make sure it's done. Four, fives and nines, have withdrawn energy and look backwards. Have a lot of wisdom and discernment, good at reviewing things, but less good at what needs to happen today and less good at what happens in the future. What I want you to know is the chances of you being in relationship with someone who's exactly like you is really small. We tend to look for people who have the other gifts. But then we expect them to do life exactly like us. If we're present focused, we wake up in the morning and we know the to-do list, and we expect the future oriented and the past oriented people to be exactly the same as us. And they're not. They're not thinking and feeling and doing life the same. What is easiest for you? Is it easiest for you to dream about the future? Is it easiest for you to do what needs to be done today? Or is it easiest for you to spend time in the past, learning from the past, bringing wisdom to a relationship? People have different energy. I want to talk about that for a minute, because when you have one type of energy and you expect everybody else to have that type of energy, sometimes relationships are hard. We don't intend to, but sometimes we injure each other with these energy expectations and. Sometimes relationships start off and you meet your person, right? Whether it's a boss at work or marriage or just in your family, and you're just connecting so well that you're in your healthy center of intelligence. And then all of a sudden you move from your regular center of intelligence to your stressed center of intelligence, and guess what happened? You changed. And they're expecting that version of you and you're different and you don't know why. And they don't know why and you don't know why they're different. In stress, people change. In health, people change. If we go to therapy, we do a lot of coaching, we become healthier versions of ourselves. But guess what? Everyone around us knows the other version. And they may not be bought into this new version of you. It's important for us to be self-aware. Know that we get to be in charge of our thoughts, our feelings, our actions. Everyone else's? That's a circumstance. We don't get to change that. That's theirs. Let's talk about energy. The first word is aggressive. Aggressive is not a bad word. We often change it to assertive- but what aggressive means is if I need something done, I'm going to use energy to move myself forward to get the thing done. Aggressive energy moves you Goals move easiest when we're in aggressive energy Compliant energy can move as needed. If you are in a relationship with someone who has aggressive energy and you have compliant energy, there is a struggle. They're looking for someone to match their energy, but you get tired because that's not your natural state. Finally we have withdrawn energy. And withdrawn energy knows how much energy they have for the day. How many of you know exactly to the penny how much money is in your bank account? We don't have the ability to do that with our energy. We can't wake up in the morning and say, okay, I have four hours of powerful energy, an hour and a half of average energy. Withdrawn energy people have done a better job of conserving their energy, saving their energy, allocating it as needed. In relationships, sometimes it's just easier for you if you have a naturally aggressive energy, you move things forward. But sometimes you get tired of everybody else not matching that. It feels like you're carrying the weight, you're the work, you're the engine, dragging everybody else with you, right? Compliant energy. You're constantly trying to see how everyone else's energy is and matching. It also gets exhausting. Withdrawn energy feels like everyone's constantly trying to pull you to wherever they are. That gets exhausting. There's things about you that the more you're self aware of the easier it is for you to take care of you, and that's the only person you can influence. You can put the right boundaries around your life to have relationships that are necessary and good, right? We are intended to pour into each other, but not at our own expense. So are you heart, head, or gut? Are you future, past or present focused? And are you aggressive, compliant, or withdrawn energy? As the people in your life begin to do their work, you can have conversations based on this. We can honor one another's energy. We can honor one another's centers of intelligence. You only have so much emotional, mental, physical energy. You cannot give it to everybody. And when you give it past your capacity, do you know what happens to you? You become depleted. It makes it really hard to make decisions. They get to keep all their thoughts, feelings, and actions. You are going to work on your thoughts, your feelings, your actions. Where's the health? Where's the energy? Where's the joy? Where's the peace, the love coming from? Physically, how are you? Are you very healthy, average, or not healthy? Mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually? How is your community and your social life, and how are your fun moments? I need to go to the gym. I need to do yoga. For me to be my best, me, I need to read. I need music. I need to be outside of nature. There's so many things that make me the best me, and when I do the things that make me the best me. I'm healthier in relationships. Doesn't that make sense? The more unhealthy we are, the more we're going attract unhealthy. And the more healthy we are, we're going look for those five people that are healthy. Information alone doesn't change us. It's you doing the work that leads to transformation. It's you deciding self-care is not selfish. It is the key to healthy relationships, and we are not intended to do life alone. It starts with me putting on the oxygen mask of self-care and taking good care of me so that I can invest in the relationships, in the order that I have decided to invest in them. Pick one. It's the right thing because you picked it. If you picked, go to the gym four times a week, it's the right thing because you picked it. Picture that Target logo. The center is you. Then it's your primary relationship. Then it's the next circle of relationships. Then it's the next circle of relationships. What's one thing you want to focus on because you believe in 10 years you'll be better because you focused on that. It might be if you process information through your head, get a journal and try to get your thoughts out. If you process information through your body, make sure you are doing something with your body every single day. If you're someone who processes through your feelings, are you doing things that bring the feelings that you want? Are you able to access the power, the commitment, the love, the joy, the energy, whatever it is that we're looking for? There is no wrong answer. We're going pick one priority. And that priority is going show your brain evidence that you value you. And when you begin to value you, you're going think thoughts and feel feelings and do things that move you forward to your goal. I want you to pick a goal and I want you to commit to it for the next month. Over six months, you're going be able to add layers. There are five truths of life. When you're a little kid and you learn about gravity, when the apple's on the tree and it falls, it never goes up. It always goes down. This is another truth of life. Life has circumstances. Circumstances are outside of you. If you are in a primary relationship, that partner is a circumstance. You cannot influence what they think and feel and do. They're in charge of that. God gave them authority, but he also gave you authority over your thoughts, your feelings, and actions. A circumstance, it's a fact agreed upon in a court of law, right? I am in this room. Whether it's a pretty room, a hot room, a cold room, an ugly room, all thoughts. I'm in the room. A circumstance. The next thing about life is there are thoughts. Thoughts happen in your brain. Nobody makes you think anything. You are in charge of your thoughts. When you repeat a thought over and over and over again, it becomes a belief. And a belief feels like a circumstance. Your body thinks it's the same thing. What's hard some of those beliefs change and that's like so shocking to your body and your system, right? Like you thought this was so true your whole life and now you know? there are things you're like, this is absolutely a circumstance. It was a thought repeated, a belief. Thoughts are under your control. You have complete authority over them sometimes thoughts are useful, sometimes they are not useful and for useful. We're going keep that 10 year out idea. Does this move me towards who I want to be in 10 years? Is it useful or is it not useful? Thoughts are in your control. What do thoughts do? They create a vibration in your body. That's what a feeling is. At its core, a feeling is a vibration in your body. If you are in the 2, 3, 4 center of the Enneagram, you are pretty good at recognizing where the vibrations in your body are. If you are in the 5, 6, 7 part of the Enneagram, you might struggle with being able to even name them. They kind of all feel like they're in your head. There's a vibration and so something like grief often lives in our chest area. It might feel tight and restrictive, right? Something like joy might be going through our whole body and feel like bubbles Take some work to, to identify this, but we're going do that. Your thoughts create feelings and your feelings do something. Do you know what your feelings do? Your feelings move you towards action or inaction. Let's describe inaction for a minute. Inaction can feel like tired and laying down. It also can feel like busyness, procrastination, doing something else other than the thing that you said you were going do. Do you know why you do or don't do the things that you set in advance to do your feelings? What creates your feelings? Your thoughts? Thoughts. As you learn this work, you get new thoughts. Those thoughts create feelings. Those feelings create actions. Actions produce the results of your life, not the circumstances. When we want healthy relationships, how do we get there? We start with the oxygen mask of self-care so that we can think thoughts that are true, that are useful, that move us forward. Those thoughts create the feelings that create the actions that move us forward. Sometimes relationships end. That is the reality of life, but a relationship never creates your thoughts, your feelings, or your actions. Isn't that amazing? There is nothing outside of you that creates your thoughts, your feelings, or your actions, but your actions are what create results. If we want results in our life, how do we get them actions? We create the results of our life with actions. If we want a healthy body, we cannot just read about going to the gym. We have to go to the gym. We have to eat healthy food. If we want healthy relationships, what do we need? Healthy actions. Relationship should be based on one word. Do you know what that is? Love. What does love look like? I think we can go to scripture. Love looks like patience and kindness and gentleness. It's not self-seeking. It's not envious. It doesn't keep records of wrong. There are actions associated with love. Relationships should always begin and end in love. Love for ourselves. You are a hundred percent loved as you are. There's nothing you can do to earn that. But from that place of love, our thoughts, our feelings, our actions drive the results of relationships. And if we all decide in every relationship, I'm not here to change you. I'm just here to hear you. We can get to neutral. We can decide, you can say anything. If it's true, I'm going receive it and learn from it. And if it's not true, I'm going let it go because you're doing the best you can for whatever reason. This is all that you're able to do. You're going through something I don't understand and we can get to neutral. What we don't want to be doing is repeating thoughts that we don't even think are true, right? We want to find the true thought. If you don't believe the image of God is in everybody, that's not the thought to start with. You might have to start with like, you're doing the best you can. Right. You're not doing what I would want you to do, but you're doing the best you can. You need to find that true thought that you can believe. Christ in me sees and honors the Christ in you. You're doing the best you can. And you can repeat that till you can get to a neutral place. And that is hard because when somebody feels hurt, do you know what they tend to try to do? Hurt others. When somebody is walking in love, what do they tend to try to do? Love others. Right? And we can't affect them. That's what's so hard. We can affect us. We can say, i'm going be so purposeful in filling myself. We can't go past our boundaries either. I'm going to repeat, I'm going put on a post-it note while we're talking. She's doing the best she can. You show up for the conversation with one goal. Can I hear you? Can I hear you? Not? Can you change me? Not can I become what you want me to be. Not you become what I want you to be. Can I just hear you? Can I write down some notes about what you're saying? The point of hearing you is can I find a place of peace- of you being you and me being me? Can I find that peace? It's going take some work, but if that's the goal in showing up, that's a completely goal. I want you to know what to do with your thoughts. Picture yourself in the middle of the ocean. Your brain has 10,000 thoughts and they're all on. Each one is on a different beach ball and it comes to you. That person doesn't like me. That person says something that hurt my feelings. That person is looking at me funny. All those thoughts are coming to you. Don't stuff it. Don't put it under the water because you're going eventually get tired and it's going hit you in the face. Just gently push that one away. What's a thought you want to keep? That person's doing the best they can. They have their thoughts, their feelings, their actions. I'm going say the yeses and nos that I want for my life. You're worth investing in. Relationships are so important. We're not meant to do life alone. Thank you for joining the Live a Vibrant Life podcast. I hope our time together encouraged you and will equip you with the tools you need to move into the vibrant life you desire. I'm here to help you live a brave, creative, purpose-filled life. And if you'd like to learn more, you can follow me on Instagram or Facebook, Kelly Tibbits Life Coach, or visit my website, kellytibbitts.com. I look forward to connecting again soon