ORIGINAL AIRED DATE: MAY 25TH 2021
When I first heard Lora's voice, I was completely mesmerized. Such softness yet powerful! Her words are will captivate you and she knows how to draw out the emotions in you. Which is why when I sat down to talk with her and heard her speak about what it means to be human and live in trauma I was moved and hope you felt the same!
In this episode we talk about:
Lora's promotions and links:
Lora's Bio:
Lora Kelley is a multi-passionate entrepreneur, a story mentor and life coach, as well as a singer & songwriter and poet.
After 4 years of training in Narrative Informed Trauma Care and Story Work through The Allender Center at The Seattle School of Psychology and Theology, Lora began her own practice of caring for and tending people’s stories.
As a songwriter, she has recently captivated audiences with the release of her second self-titled EP. Lora's songwriting is raw, intimate, and playful. Her lyrics enjoy illuminating the taken-for-granted necessities that bring flourishing to human bodies and relationships. Kelley has created two EPs of original music, with her 2018 self-titled EP establishing Lora as a 2018 Americana artist to watch, and she is set to release a new full length album in Summer 2021.
Lora currently resides in Charlottesville, VA with her husband and three children.
Host's Links and resources:
Please support this podcast: https://patreon.com/therootofourhealth and https://www.buzzsprout.com/1393414/supporters/new
Join my emailing list for monthly updates including podcast episodes and fun things about health and wellness http://bit.ly/monthlyupdatesemail
Like Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/therootofourhealth/
Email me: therootofourhealth@gmail.com
ORIGINAL AIRED DATE: MAY 25TH 2021
When I first heard Lora's voice, I was completely mesmerized. Such softness yet powerful! Her words are will captivate you and she knows how to draw out the emotions in you. Which is why when I sat down to talk with her and heard her speak about what it means to be human and live in trauma I was moved and hope you felt the same!
In this episode we talk about:
Lora's promotions and links:
Lora's Bio:
Lora Kelley is a multi-passionate entrepreneur, a story mentor and life coach, as well as a singer & songwriter and poet.
After 4 years of training in Narrative Informed Trauma Care and Story Work through The Allender Center at The Seattle School of Psychology and Theology, Lora began her own practice of caring for and tending people’s stories.
As a songwriter, she has recently captivated audiences with the release of her second self-titled EP. Lora's songwriting is raw, intimate, and playful. Her lyrics enjoy illuminating the taken-for-granted necessities that bring flourishing to human bodies and relationships. Kelley has created two EPs of original music, with her 2018 self-titled EP establishing Lora as a 2018 Americana artist to watch, and she is set to release a new full length album in Summer 2021.
Lora currently resides in Charlottesville, VA with her husband and three children.
Host's Links and resources:
Please support this podcast: https://patreon.com/therootofourhealth and https://www.buzzsprout.com/1393414/supporters/new
Join my emailing list for monthly updates including podcast episodes and fun things about health and wellness http://bit.ly/monthlyupdatesemail
Like Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/therootofourhealth/
Email me: therootofourhealth@gmail.com
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 5:53
Hello, and welcome Laura to the root of our health. I'm so happy that you're on this podcast. Thank you so much.
Lora 5:58
Oh, thank you so much, Elizabeth. Thanks for having me. I'm so glad to be here.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 6:02
Great. Great. So I always start my episodes with a rapid fire question. These are five questions from my audience just to get to know you a little bit better. Um, you know, just kind of started with a fun, you know, easy way to How does that sound?
Lora 6:18
That sounds great. I'm ready. I'm ready.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 6:20
Okay. Um, so where did you grow up?
Lora 6:24
I grew up in Houston, Texas. Well, really, I guess properly. Katy, Texas, but right on the border of Houston. So kind of toggling between those two areas.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 6:34
Yeah. Got it. Got it. And now Where do you live?
Lora 6:38
Currently, I live in Charlottesville, Virginia. So it's about two and a half hours south of DC and about an hour and a half west of Richmond.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 6:47
Nice. Nice. And who are your two top mentors?
Lora 6:52
Two top mentors? Oh, gosh, that's, that is a challenging question.Well, one of my longtime mentors, her name is Debbie prom. She's an author. And she's been a mentor and a friend that I've had for about 13 years. And so I'm deeply inspired by her. And she holds a lot of really beautiful space for me to process things. And we are so yeah, so I just I love her. And then oh my gosh, I don't even know I have so many other mentors. It's hard to pick one being one to keep up with that. That's cool. Yeah, I have another good friend in California, who I, who has held a lot of space for me and helped me process things in her name Susan Cunningham. She's amazing. I have a good friend in Minnesota. And she's a nurse and just she's a beautiful person depressed, just like my other friend Emily. I mean, I have so many so many people that really feel like help mentor and process things with me.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 8:03
So yeah, that's beautiful. That's like, that's, that's a great feeling to have to have, you know, these people, these these support groups around you, you know, yeah.
Lora 8:15
So it's, you know, somewhere in my 20s, I realized that I just neededI needed people who could both be playful and also really be deep, and people whose stories I knew, and people who knew my story. And so we could have generous reflection, like mutual reflection for each other. And so, I just tried to go about finding those people, which is not always easy to do. But, um, but I feel like I have a good group now. So it's, it's good. Yeah.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 8:49
Well, I know these are rapid fire, and I'm kind of getting off of it. Yeah.
It's my show, I can do what I want.
Lora 8:56
Yes, you can.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 8:59
But no, I was just saying, like, you know, it seems as though your aura, you know, kind of attracts these, these certain types of people, don't you think? Like, that's what you, you give off. And so I believe, that's how you attract certain people is what you give off. And that's why you attract so many wonderful individuals, whether they're men or women in your life. So, Oh, am I wrong? Am I right?
Lora 9:25
I don't know. I have to I have to take that in as a very kind compliment and receive that. And so that's what I'm working on doing. I think sometimes compliments are hard to take as people it's like we kind of want to deflect you know, but yeah, I think I hope that that's true. And yeah, and I feel like I try to continue to try to cultivate and work on myself and continue to be and have integrity, integrity with myself, which is also to be integrated with myself and so I seek out people who are kind have working on that too, because I don't know if we ever get there like, it's like we never arrived. But I love the process of being in the process with people. So nice. That's really fun. Yeah.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 10:10
Awesome. All right. So next question is what are you most passionate about?
Lora 10:15
Oh, I love stories. I just I love stories. I love sitting with other people's stories. I love telling a good story. I love hearing a good story. I love the mystery of stories and teasing them out and understanding more of the humaneness within no particular story. So I yeah, I'm deeply passionate about stories. And and I think that connects with I just have such a deep passion to be with people, and to work with people to understand more of their story, and also to step into the power of creating the story they want for themselves. And so I would say, both the work that I do as a coach, and also as a musician, kind of matches with that passion, I think, hopefully,
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 11:09
it does. Yeah. And so then last but not least, what is your superpower?
Lora 11:16
Oh, my gosh, what is a superpower?
Right? You know what, I'm relentless. I am a relentless person. And, and I mean that in a you know, sometimes you can hear relentlessness kind of feels like a dog with a bone. But what I mean to say is that I have, I persevere, like, I have a strong sense of perseverance. And so I just don't quit. Like I'm not, I don't quit. And so I go for it until a until I am able to get on to the other side of it. And I believe it's possible to get to the other side of things. And so I would say that's, I think that's my superpowers.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 11:51
Nice, keep going. Yeah, wear that cape proudly. Right?
Lora 11:55
Yeah, I'mtrying I you've asked very, like questions that are that require me to speak love over myself. And I think that is something I'm still working on is to be able to bless myself out loud.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 12:10
So yeah, you're you're I mean, you don't have to talk about it. You're more like, giving of others rather than self reflecting. Is that what I'm hearing? Or is that something that's not correct?
Lora 12:22
Well, I think that way, and I am now I'm kind of thinking off the cuff here. But I do think sometimes as women, we can find ourselves in situations where we have to be diminished. Like we were constantly diminishing ourselves. And I see this a lot, you pay a compliment to someone they're like, Oh, no, and they'll deflect it, you know, they'll send it to somebody else. Or they'll make an excuse for why it just happened that way. And so part of the practice that I have set out for myself is to stop doing that, to be like, this is true about me, and I can own the beautiful things about myself. And I can be proud to claim those as myself. And I hope that that invites other people to do the same thing. But it is not easy, because we're very much trained to to have this. It's sort of taught as like being humble or something like that. I don't know, self deprecation, you know, so, so I'm kind of, I'm trying to push back against that and be like, well, it's just true. Like, can you can we tell the truth about both the things we struggle with, and the things we're really beautiful and glorious about and hold both of those things? Right? out? Right?
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 13:33
Yeah, that's good. You know, I hear you hear you loud and clear.
Lora 13:39
Real Man, it's real.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 13:41
So I just want to get um, you know, I, like I mentioned before I listened to a few of your songs. And I'd have to say your voice is so mesmerizing, and so beautiful. And I know I'm giving you more compliments.
Lora 13:56
So thank you. Thank you very much.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 14:00
Um, I just want to understand, you know, were you always a songwriter? How did you get started? Like, how did how did you get started in this?
Lora 14:09
Yeah, so I loved to sing. Since I was very little I, and I think it's a it's a deeply human thing because it and it's very, can be very soothing to sing. I think this is part of why we do this. And I practice this in large groups and with ourselves and sing to ourselves in the showers because, you know, you have to take a deep breath in and then you have to expel a deep breath out. And so it's like the practice of finding your breath to some degree, just with notes, you know, and also with words, so it's like this beautiful way to speak to yourself and then like round about beautiful way. So I loved doing it. When I was young. I just absolutely loved to sing and then as I came into probably elementary school, I started realizing that I liked to write, I loved to write, I loved words, I loved what they offered, in terms of expanding a person's experience of the material world, and even their emotional experience. And that you, as a writer, have the power to place someone in a location with feelings with all of these really cool things. And they're just still wet, right where they are like, if I was reading a book, I can be somewhere totally different having this beautiful emotional experience, right where I am, I think that's so cool. And so I started doing writing and I studied writing in college creative writing, and with a focus and poetry and short stories. And I was doing music at the same time, I was also a makeup artist, did makeup artist in college, and for whatever reason, that seemed like a more practical path for me, I couldn't get my head wrapped around being a musician, probably because of how its how its portrayed in the media, you know, as being kind of, luck driven, or, you know, or people have a lot of problems with drugs or like, or you're a young woman, and you're taken advantage of and, and which all of those things are, you know, true experiences in the music industry. But I just couldn't quite, I couldn't visualize how I would practically be a musician, and doing the kind of music that I wanted to do. So I was writing and I was doing makeup, and I was writing songs, but I just I had a lot of timidity about it. And I was always looking for approval outside of myself, is this a good song? Is this a good song? It's in you. And instead of being like, this is a good song, or this is a song, this is a song and I can think about it, however, I want to think about it, and someone else can think about it, however they want to think about it. So. So yeah, so I studied writing, and I loved to sing. And I started playing guitar when I was, you know, maybe 14 or 15, but had a lot of fear around playing an instrument. It just didn't make any sense to me. And you know, in the music industry, there's a lot of stuff if you Google it, you can find like, girls and guitars and like all the shit, they talk that they say to women about being a guitarist, you know, it's like, it's Oh, yeah, it's like a whole thing. So, you know, I felt that it was like all the boys, all the boys had guitars and they are playing music like creed. You know, I'm aging myself, but it's fine creed.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 17:34
I'm right there.
Lora 17:35
You're right there. Right. And there. Yeah, yeah. And I got so frustrated because I was like, I don't want to sing creed. I just don't. And I. So that's why I picked up the guitars because I was like, I need to have control over the kind of music I want to sing. And I want to be able to accompany myself singing songs like Patty Griffin, who I felt was really amazing. If you don't know her, you should check her out. She's absolutely incredible. Or Joni Mitchell or, you know, Natalie, merchant, like all of these, you know, women that I thought were really inspiring to me. And I wanted to be able to I mean, the Dixie Chicks now called the chicks. But at the time, they were called the Dixie Chicks wanted to be able to play landslide, which I didn't know was by Fleetwood Mac, because I was figured that out later. That was a special moment. And yeah, I wanted to be able to accompany myself. So I got into guitar. And I don't know if I'm answering your questions is very long winded.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 18:31
But no, no, keep going. It's just Yeah,
Lora 18:34
yeah. So I, I picked up the guitar, I started playing, I was trying to learn how to play landslide. And which is basically you would buy Stevie Nicks. And my mom told me, she bought me a really cheap guitar. And she said, If you learn how to play this, I'll buy you a proper guitar. So I learned how to play and sing landslide. And that is, and not well, but I could do it enough to where she realized I was taking it seriously. And so we went out and bought my first guitar. Now my first guitar was recommended to me by the guy I was dating at the time. And so it wasn't the guitars to purchase but I was just that was Yeah, yeah, no, I don't do that anywhere. So anyway, so I kind of learned how to play guitar and kind of play for myself but still wasn't terribly confident about it. And really, at the time was pursuing makeup artistry because that was making the actual money. I was working for larmour ca at the time and was traveling and doing makeup while I was in college to pay for things. And when I moved to Charlottesville, I met my husband and he was doing photography. And so it was just like this beautiful, beautifully complementary way that we moved together was that he was doing photos and I was doing makeup and it just worked really well. But at the same time I was still writing and trying to write music and trying to Learn about how to write music. And, and so that process, though, really was just me trying to grow up and realize, like, if you want to be a professional, you have to kind of have a professional mindset. It's not just waiting for the Muse to come. It's not just, you know, a random Tuesday you get a song or like, all these things just kind of happen to you. It's being very intentional about your craft and putting work into it. I mean, showing up for showing up for the muse. I mean, if you show up every Tuesday, and Wednesday, at the same time at 10am, the Muse is like, Alright, she's reliable, here's the song, you know, but then you still have to work on it. So it took me a while. I mean, it's taking me a while to get here. And I had three kids, you know, while I was doing all that, and we ended up coffee shop. So that's a long, long, long,long version.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 20:53
But is it's very good. What I hear also is consistency, like you and what you mentioned before your perseverance, you know, so you knew what you wanted. And, you know, thankfully, your mom kind of put that out there and didn't give it to you, you know what to say? Like, if she made you kind of work for it? Right? Meaning that you know, are you serious? Yes, I'm serious. I really want it... great. Um, but yeah, the the perseverance and the the consistency, I think, is what, where it's leading you to now and then probably what's going to lead you to your goals, what you have, you know, moving forward. So that's Yeah, I think that's key in life.
Lora 21:41
I do. I think that any dream that you have, or any goal, a result that you have for yourself, it's the ability to follow through for yourself, you know, and the ability to fail and to get back up and to allow yourself 1000 failures on the way. I mean, Bob Dylan said, I have to write 100 songs to get one good one. And so like, will you give yourself permission to try 100 times? You know, and maybe it's 99? Before you get the one? That's, it's really, it's good. So I mean, that that's been helpful. And then I've had to do my own work, um, you know, my own work on my story to kind of understand where is this? Where
Unknown Speaker 22:27
is?
Lora 22:28
Where have I come through this like sense of being insecure? And how do I heal my own sense of gaining approval from myself that I can actually give myself approval, I can actually give myself security, I don't have to look outside of myself for those things. And that has been its own journey. And the more I've pressed into understanding myself and my story and my own trauma, the more I've healed and so the more I'm able to create without fear, as much fear to know that, like, it's going to come like it just will, if you, you know, if you, if you train for a marathon, at the end, you will be able to run a marathon. So it's in and you kind of just have to keep showing up to do the work. So yeah, that's kind of that's, that's what my mantra is, at this particular juncture.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 23:20
Yeah, well, you kind of touched on a little bit about the trauma part. So we do have similar ways of thinking about the mind, body and heart connection. Um, and I do love how you use your lyrics and your voice to tell a story of healing. You call it I think you call it narrative informed trauma care. So my question is, what is it and why is it so powerful to tell our story?
Lora 23:50
Oh, yes. Wow, what a beautiful question. You Yeah, I think that you know, we come to a place a lot of people come to a place. This has been my experience where it's usually, you know, maybe in your 20s or 30s, sometimes 40, sometimes much later. And you begin to realize that, you know, there's a lot of striving, there's a lot of anxiety. There's a lot of things happening in your body that you can't explain. And, and for me, I just was tired of living that way. I was tired of being anxious all the time. I was tired of hearing that you didn't understand. You know why I was nothing made sense to me. I felt like everything around me. I had cultivated this beautiful life I had I gotten married he was great. Kids job all of this stuff. And yet still this like inner turmoil. I'm like, Okay, so my circumstances are so well. And yet something in my body is testifying to something else. It's saying not well, and no In order to kind of understand that for myself, I had to go back and begin to piece together. What was true for me coming through what was true for me, as I was in, in my childhood, what was the story? And then what how had that impacted me. So I could begin to create a new narrative for myself. And so part of the work that I did, it was out at the allander Center, it's an institute that's a part of the school at the Seattle School of Psychology and theology. And so part of their part of their belief, in terms of how they practice this work, is that you really need a witness, you really need a witness to tell your story. It's so powerful, especially if it's read well, if someone can look at you and say, I'm sorry, can you? So what you're saying is that you are left by yourself. So how is it that this person came to have access to you that you would have had this traumatic experience? And so you can begin to see like, oh, oh, my gosh, I'm not seeing my story totally clearly. And it's with with someone else's face kind of looking at you, because we can't see our own faces, we have a hard time reading our own bodies. And so to have someone to be able to reflect back to you like that, that's when you tell that story. To me a lot of times, just as a segue. A lot of times what happens is people will tell very traumatic stories in large groups, like with their friends, and they'll laugh, because it's been told to them that it's a funny story. And someone in the group, their body will testify to the fact that it's not a funny story. And then they will see that person, that person will be like, That's not funny. Like, that's like assault, you know. And then all of a sudden, they're like, Whoa, I have been, this story has been read and told to me as if it is funny, and someone else is saying it's not funny, and my body actually feels resistance. Because it's now The truth is being told this isn't a funny story. This is a story about assault, right. And so we need other people. So that's kind of the work that I do is I help people begin to write their stories, and then bear witness and offer them and offer them a different way to potentially look at what they've come to, to know, or what they think they know about themselves in a way that provides healing for them to be able to say, yeah, that was assault. No, this isn't funny, right? And you can just feel how like, oh, wow, to be able to name what's true for you what actually was going on, then you're able to actually begin to process what your body is held. Because if you can't name as assault, you're never going to be able to get to the place where you're like, Wow, my body has held that as being true. No wonder I'm triggered by certain things, right? So anyway, so that's kind of that's like narrative narrative form childcare, or I call it story of work. So I coach people on that. And then once they kind of get a sense of what their story is, I try to help people move through, like begin to be aware of all the thoughts that they've been offered about themselves that they taken on as being true. And give them other options to be like, actually, you don't have to believe that. You can, you can believe whatever it is, you want to buy yourself. Thoughts are just opinions.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 28:32
Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Like they're just what we put on ourselves. Not even real.
Lora 28:40
Yeah. And, but the story is what is for me, at least, the story and understanding your story is what gives people the freedom to begin questioning what has been told to them about themselves. So anyway, so that's kind of that's that's the, that's the work that I do. That's what's helped. That is what has helped me get a better sense of what's true. So
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 29:02
yeah, yeah, well, then let's, um, what is your narrative? informed trauma?
Lora 29:12
Yeah, so that's a big question. What is my story?
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 29:17
If If you want Yeah, okay.
Lora 29:20
Yeah, yeah, I can I can, I can offer a little bit. How about this? Okay. Um, so, I had two experiences of sexual abuse that happened very randomly, seemingly very randomly. And, for me, being able to actually write those stories down. And to have someone be to have someone invited me back to that little self. One of them. I was very young, and had a random man call my house and tell me things that were really inappropriate. And so I'm kind of telling the story I like 10,000 feet. But what I would actually do is I wrote the story out in full detail, and then I read it. And then other people kind of offer me what they see in that space. And, and so what I was actually invited to, was to sit with my young, my younger self, and to, and to when I first wrote the story, I had so much contempt for her. So much contempt for her, I was holding her accountable for things, she was like five, she just could not have been held accountable for. Right. And so for me, the process has been able to go back into say, the person who called me was a proficient predator, proficient, excellent at grooming, excellent at seeing and all predators are like, they're very good at the grooming process and bringing you in, and then, you know, especially with sexual assault, it's the sense of complicity, like, Where have you? Where do you feel like it's your fault that it's happened, and every single situation where you have sexual abuse, the predator brings you in to join him so that you feel like you did it, like you feel like you could have prevented it, or there's something that you did. And so part of the work around that is to unhook, unhook, you know, yourself and for me to like, be unhooked and to go back and say, there's no way she could have known when she answered the phone, that that's what the situation was for her. And, and to name what I was invited to, and to name what that has cost me. And, and then to kind of begin to put myself back together in those spaces. So that's a little, that's just like a tiny piece of it. But it's it, it allows me to see other people's stories to like, I'm always very curious, anytime someone's labeled, like, Oh, I was the hard child and like, hard for him. What does that even mean? sound? You know? Or, yeah, I just, you know, I just was in the wrong place at the wrong time. You know, those are some of the things that, that people will say, you know, about themselves. And I'm like, someone gave that to you, like someone told you that, right? And so, like, let's explore what that what actually might be the case, you know, so that's my, that's a little bit of my story.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 32:31
Well, thank you, thank you so much for sharing that, you know, that that's vulnerable of you. So, but I do, I do understand your thinking of this is kind of like being it's kind of like being outside of yourself, and then kind of going, you know, 10 years behind, or, you know, back to that place, but being outside and looking at it from you know, above, and really looking at it in a different perspective, you know, and kind of coming up with, you know, this is what you were told, or this is what you were in that time. And then what happens from that time on to, you know, going forward, is what the beliefs and the, the mental things that happened to you. So when you remove yourself, like you said, when you remove yourself from that, thinking from that belief, and you look at it from a different perspective, that I think is when the healing begins, is because you're not attached to that, to that episode, or to that, you know, traumatic event, you're really looking at it to be where, you know, it isn't your fault. It isn't to you know, it really you're just there and something happened to you now not playing victim, but also understanding that it's not our responsibility for every single thing.
Lora 34:01
And well, yeah, to and like children, when there's not someone there to help interpret or to process with a child, what's happened and it can, because those kinds of situations are very confusing. And what we call this kind of like you're left in an interpretive fog, and so children will go to work very quickly interpreting the situation for them, and it's almost never kind, they have to take it on because to, to not take it on means they have to name that they were left by themselves to be in that particular situation or it would require them to be aware of like just profound evil that exists in the world and children are just not their heads cannot comprehend that there is on the other line, a man at a present who's called and his desire is to like, you know, create arousal for a five year old girl right like that is just a five year old cannot comprehend That. So, you know, for me, at least particularly, I went about interpreting that as I shouldn't have picked up the phone, like, How am I supposed to know, right? Or, you know, oh, I'm ruined. Like that was another thing that came to me later was like, I'm really into, oh my gosh, I like now I've got all this awareness of my body that a five year old shouldn't have, you know, and it's too mature for my scope of like, understanding. So you know, just to be able to go back and actually attach to her in a, in a way that's kind right attached to her in a way where I can sit in that five year old body and rename for myself what was true, right? to kind of go back and reparent her like to give her like, here's really what was true. Here's really what was going on. Right? Um, because then I am not, then I just then I see it as it was, you know, instead of having this narrative that was not as it was. So I don't know if that clarifies even more, but yeah,
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 36:02
no, it does. It does. And again, thank you, for sharing and for giving us that. All that information. So, yeah, um, so we're in May, we're recording this in May. And as you know, May is mental health awareness month, and self care is so important for mental health. So my question is, what does self care mean to you?
Lora 36:31
self care? Yeah, I think it's, you know, it's a multi level practice of being oriented toward a posture of compassion and kindness toward yourself. And that is in your mind, that's in your physical body that's in your emotions. And so for me, you know, I practice self care. By being mindful, I do a couple of things. So I, first I go to work, like in my, in my mind to kind of understand, well, what are all the what are all the ways in which I'm like, how does my mind offer me thoughts, because you wake up in the morning, and you've got all these thoughts, right. And a lot of times people and I, this is, I have gained some of this awareness. So cognitive behavioral therapy does a lot of thought work. And then I don't know if you know, Brooke Castillo, but she has the Life Coach School. And so she has this thing called the model. And it kind of takes a cognitive behavioral therapy and breaks it down in a really manageable way. And so, so a lot of times people will wake up with feelings, and they're like, why am I feeling this way, I just woke up, you know, and it's because we have all these thoughts that go through our head, we're just not even aware of our thoughts. And so I, part of my practice that I've implemented for myself is that I do a lot of the work through like, the self coaching model that she has offered. And I have a journal where I just download all of my thoughts. And then I work through how each of those thoughts make me feel. And so I have this very expansive view on what are my emotions and emotions are just like vibrations that we feel in our body. Right. And so just getting, getting really attuned and aware to what does it feel to feel defeated? Right. Okay, like, what does it feel like to feel sad? Because that's different, but sometimes they can feel categorically similar? Like, what does it feel like to feel isolated or lonely? You know, and to kind of begin to like, let my body get a sense of like, what are those feelings that you know, are attached to the thought? Like, I have one that just is always pervasive? Like, I'm not a good mother. That's one of the ones that and like, how does that feel in my body? Gosh, well, that feels super defeat, like, like, I feel very defeated when I think I'm not a good mother. And that's not a great feeling. And then like, from that feeling, I do all kinds of things that I don't really want to do. So I work on that thought to be like, well, that's kind of optional. And I and so I work to neutralize that by just saying like, I'm a mother. Yes. Right. Like, I'm a mother. That's true. That's a fact to add more. Yeah, yeah. Right. And then I can kind of choose like my thought from that, like, I can be open to the possibility that I'm a good mother, or I'm open to the possibility that I'm a mother, who's working to understand her children who's working to love her children well, and to repair and like that feels true to me. And when I think that thought the feeling I have is like love and inspiration and pride and all of those feelings motivate me to continue to work toward being a good mother. So that's one of the practices I do and I spend probably 30 minutes a day just clearing up my headspace and trying to work on what I think and then that's that's the biggest one because I think from that place from like, our mind body, like our feelings that whole space because our feelings, you can feel it all through your body, right? Like if you feel sadness, it can actually like impact your gut, your gut feels. So when you can kind of get those things aligned, then I think everything kind of moves out from there. So then I try to eat well, and I try to my son tells me, you need to walk at least 20 minutes a day, you have an Apple Watch, and he's always competing with me. He's like, come on, mom, you got to walk 20 times a day. So you know, I do that I try to I try to challenge myself to do different things and to challenge my thoughts about why I'm not doing them or all of the all of the posture of curiosity, and kindness is sort of those are my practices for myself. So great. Yeah,
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 40:41
I'm kind of going back, as you mentioned, CBT. And so I have went to, and seen a therapist for CBT. Yeah, for myself, because, you know, I have this, I don't say perfectionism, but I think is more of a controlling aspect of of my life. I want to control everything. And I think it came out in eating, so eating disorders and stuff like that. So I was like, you know, telling myself that I'm either too fat or I'm too, you know, just like kind of, I'm, when my life was going crazy. I was like, Okay, I can at least control what I eat. Yeah, at least control you know, something working out, you know, something like that. So, so yeah, the CBT definitely, definitely helps. I even do it to this day. I don't see a therapist anymore. Not yet again. Um, but yeah, writing down and journaling. I'm like this morning, because I like I said, I recently moved. And I haven't journaled all week. So this morning, I literally took an hour and a half. Yeah, to write down just everything that was coming up that we were doing, you know, that's just like in general. And, yeah, I write down like my CBT. I write down, you know, gratitude and stuff like that. And it, it does when you put that pen to paper, it's it flushes out, it's kind of like a release of you know, those mental what's going on in your head. 24 seven, you know, like, again, you were saying, you know, we don't even know it, because it's subconscious. You know, we're trying to dig in, that's the thing is digging down subconsciously. What's going on underneath and bringing them to the surface and understanding this is what's driving us this is what is because even though we're not thinking, we don't think that we're thinking, we're really feeling them and thinking them deep down. So bringing them to the surface, bring them onto paper, and looking at it looking at the words and see like, Oh my god, I say this to myself.
Lora 42:51
Yeah, we punch ourselves in the face are assaulting ourselves. Pretty close. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 43:01
And and so that's why, yeah, that, you know, what you brought to light is so, you know, in terms of self care, I think it doesn't always have to be, you know, going out for a walk. But I mean, whatever you feel is helping you Yes, but I think a lot of it has to do with getting your thoughts out and getting them to understanding them, you know, at least you know, understanding if you can't manage it, just understand it, you know, is
Lora 43:31
yes, like become an observer, just, it creates a little bit of a space from you, the person and like you the person observing what your brain is offering you all the time. And, and to know that I think the kind of thing that I realized is like, all of that's optional. Like, it's not a fact, like, we think that we're observing something and that makes it a fact. Right. But it's not a fact. It's just an opinion, and it's something our brain is just offers to us. And so, it's so powerful to be like, my brain is offering me the thought, I'm a bad mother. And I can just look at that and be like, well, thank you so much. I reject that thought, actually, I got to pick a different thought, you know, yeah. Right. And so there's so much power and it has to be believable. I mean, you can create ladders, thought ladders for yourself. That's a practice like, just the thought, I'm open to the possibility that I can be a good mother. Right? Like, you can just feel like, oh, gosh, that feels so kind. And like, that's totally believable, right? If you can't get to, I'm a good mother, like you can get to the place where you can be open to the possibility that I could be a good mother, right? So that's just a nice little bridge. So I do that, like I do that with myself because I don't want to beat myself up. I don't want to be punching myself in the face. That's not going to produce the kind of results I want. It's not going to allow me to show up in the world the way I want to show up in the world.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 44:55
Right? So and then it's you're not going to be a better mother for it. Either, you know, it's gonna be I think it's gonna actually make it worse because that's what you think, you know, again, you, it comes out in certain ways, you know, it comes out, you might not under you might not know it, but it comes out in certain ways in certain actions and certain, even certain ways that you speak. You know, you might be thinking in your head, you know, I'm, I'm, I'm not worthy or something, and then your confidence is like, you know, down. So if we change the narrative in our minds, at least a little bit, at least to shed some happy light or some positive light into it, I think you can definitely change your actions and your beliefs just by changing a little bit of narrative in your in your head.
Lora 45:52
Yes. Oh, yeah. Absolutely. Because, because your thoughts will always prove the results you have. Right. So if you're having the thought, I'm a terrible Mother, you will have the result. I'm a terrible mother. Yeah. You just Well, you know, so I mean, for me, it was kind of started with neutralizing it. Like I kind of said, I just like I'm a mother. That's neutral.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 46:13
Yeah. Like, that's just a fact. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You can't, you can't argue with that. Yes, there's no argument with that now that it's a fact.
Lora 46:22
It's just a fact. Yeah. And so like, you can feel how neutral that is that it's just the adding of the opinion to that, that creates the feeling, you know, so yeah, that is the best practice I've, I've found for myself to kind of move toward a future orientation, you know, present to future kind of orientation. So
Unknown Speaker 46:42
great. Yeah.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 46:44
So let's shift things a little bit. Um, as I said, Before, I listened to a few of your songs. And again, beautiful, love the lyrics. So I'm kind of wondering and curious. How do you come up with your lyrics? Like how it how do you?
Lora 47:02
Oh, yeah, that's a good question. Well, I, I, it kind of just depends, so sometimes it's circumstantial. And I'll write a title down. And then sometimes I have turns of phrase that, you know, I think are interesting. And I'll just file them where I've got a voice memo, I take my phone with me and my daughters, I'm like, hold on, hold on a second.Okay, right, you can take the detail, you know, and so, you know, so that's kind of how I do it. And then once I get the frame, like, for beautiful that way. I was in this season of life, I was in my early 30s. And I was being offered the thought that I could I can look, I could look younger than I was, that I was, and so that I ought to present younger on my social media than I am. And I just didn't feel like I that just did not sit well with me, I did not like that. And because I worked hard to become the person that I am in my 30s and I am proud of being in my 30s. And I was proud of my children, and I was proud of my husband, you know, is proud of all that work and having a home and like all of the things. But I didn't want to pretend like I was, you know, a single person without children in my 20s. Because that's just because it's not true. And so that's part of it. And, and so I had the thought, like, I just don't want to be beautiful that way. And from there, I thought this is so interesting. I wonder what all the ways are that the world offers us to think of ourselves as beautiful. So I just wrote a couple of them down and like the first one was, you know, I feel like, you know, not to knock Victoria's Secret, but I feel like that's an option that were offered as like, What is beauty? And, and so not to deny that that is beautiful, but that is not like the end. That's not everything, right? Like, there's lots of different ways that a person can be beautiful physically. I mean, that's physical beauty, right? But it's kind of set up as being this thing. And so so that was sort of like one thing. And then I think, you know, we spoke about eating and you've got diet culture, and you have body image and, and kind of probably tags into some of like, what is offered is beautiful. And then sort of the what we do out of out of the thought, Oh, I need to look like that. Right. So fear. Like, if people are like this is beauty and in order to be loved, you need to be beautiful, then the thought you're going to have from the that is I need to look like that. And then what are you going to do like what actions you're going to take to try and look like that and some of that is like restrictive eating or overeating or like you know, trying to do all kinds of different things. To your body to contort it and make it look a certain way. Because it's been put out that this is what you're supposed to look like. So that was the thing. And then the other option I felt like I was offered as is then the denial of your of your physical beauty. And that is, it doesn't matter what your body looks like, and you should just not think about that all that matters is your brain and how smart you are. And, and so and I thought, you know, I don't really like that either because I have a body and I want to think well of my body and I want to enjoy my body and I want to like enjoy my hair and my face, I don't want to put makeup on. And or I don't want to I like want to get dressed up. And I love color. And I love all of this stuff. And like my body matters. I just don't take I don't like appreciate the Gnostic view of like our bodies, I think our bodies do matter. And I like it, you don't have to think that's fine. That's just my thought. And so I was like, I just want to push back against that I want to push back against the idea that it's only how smart or how clever we are, or the bind that you feel between like, being beautiful and needing to be smart or being smart and needing to be like just how those things are kind of pitted against each other. So that was so that was kind of like how that song came to be. It was just thinking through what's offered to us as options for beauty and and then I liked you know, everyone always says that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But so much of that is in culture is like the male gaze, right? And so, for me, Iwas like, I get to decide for myself. Beautiful. And I don't need the eye of the beholder to tell me so. Um, so yeah, so that's that's kind of how I that was how that song materialized other ones take a little bit. Yeah, take a little bit more time. But that one came to me pretty quickly.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 51:50
Yeah, no, and, and I completely agree. And I think in my eyes too. I think strength is is beauty, I think strength in body and strength in mind. You have those two, I say your, your you've got it rockin. And it doesn't it it doesn't matter. Like, you know, it's up to you. But I think also it's up to you to understand what you are capable of, you know, in terms of how your body how you could don't trash your body. Um, you know, just because you you can or you think, Oh, well, his body body positivity. I know, you know, personally, I don't believe in that either. Because I think you know, you're, you're putting your health at risk. But I also think that just because you're smart, you don't need to not care about your body either. And just because you're beautiful, you should probably work on your you know, smarts as well, because you're not always going to be beautiful, you know, beauty, you know, when you get older things start changing. So you got to you got to read a few books and, and learn a few things and not rely on one thing or the other. So when you're strong in both, and I'm, I'm speaking strong in terms of you know, just again, communication, strong in, you know, if you want to lift weights, fine, but if you want to lift your kids great, you know, it's it's just understanding who you are as a person. And under also understanding that, you know, don't look at other people's perceptions or opinions about you. But at the same time, also understanding that you do have your own health in mind. And you've got to treat it well. You got to treat it like you know, it's a temple or something. But yeah,
Lora 53:50
yeah, I think you know, some of so much of that comes from a sense of wanting to be who you are, you know, wanting to you know, if you feel about yourself, like your precious like what you own with yourself as yourself and that's precious and like this is yours. And you get to take care of it and like you get to love it and you get to be inspired by yourself and an author yourself and that is not that is not in, in against being loving and inspiring towards others. But a person who does not like or love themselves cannot like or love other people, right? They because if you have if you're filled with self contempt and you're filled with self hatred, you will not be able to care well for another person in the truest sense. So it is so important to you know, really come to a space where you can feel beloved to yourself, and when you feel that way you will take care of yourself because you will feel like this is I'm beloved you know you Like, you can just feel that like when you're like, I'm Beloved, it's like, yeah, I want to take care of me.
I'm worth it. I
love you.
I'm gonna take care of you, you know? And then yeah, then you're gonna eat well, and you're, you'll exercise to like what your body needs. And you'll do what you need to do to care for your mind. And like, you'll enjoy playing with your skin and like, you'll enjoy what your body can do, because you'll love yourself. Like you'll love it, you know, want to play with it. It's fun. So yeah, I totally. That's Yeah, that's how I that's how I try to approach myself even though sometimes I have self loathing thoughts, then I have to go and clean those thoughts up. sweep them out. Not today. Not today. Yeah, right.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 55:39
Well, you know, I
am really intrigued to hear one of your songs. If you're interested in doing one. Would you play one too? Yes,
Lora 55:48
yeah, I would love to play a song for you. This song is on the upcoming album, which is available for pre sale on band camp. And if you go ahead and purchase it, you'll get a free bonus track demo. But this song, I'm gonna tune real quick, I'm sorry. Nothing worse than an out of tune guitar. This song is called waking dream. And I wrote this song and
I wrote this song this past year when the pandemic hit, we my husband's a photographer. And so all of our weddings canceled or were shifted to the next year and we weren't sure how long this was going to go. And so we took a very conservative approach and just went ahead and sold our house we just assumed the pandemic was going to stretch on and even if it didn't stretch on the economic impact of canceled weddings and postponed weddings is going to be a lot so we went ahead and sold our house and we moved in with to live with my mom who lived here and so the song was kind of about how I synthesize that in my own mind thinking about how to move forward so it's called waking dream. That coming through Okay, yes, yep.
draped the chairs and why he bought them for the first home he made on that busy street 12 years of house key they don't work anymore except to unlock doors in my memory. storm came me and without telling us it would blew down all the trees pulled up. We planted let's say my hands we can go back to where we were. But if I close my eyes, I can see you standing there in that first house through the screen door leaning in and whispering to me. I'll see you inside this awaking
unmarked boxes fill my mother's house what's left of us outside of them were finding our baby on my chest kids sleeping on the floor. They said if God was doing Joe he would open door storm came in without telling us it would glue down all the trees pulled up the roots we thought we'd planted my hand we can go back to that if I close my eyes now the lines begin to blur you know we're right there at the screen door as you used to be.
Me.
There's a waking dream. Say my hand we can go back to where we say my hand we can go back to where we take my take my
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:00:08
Wow, thank you. That was beautiful. Thank you. So, yeah, it's powerful. I mean, like I said, The lyrics are just so powerful. Play it straight to the heart. So that's beautiful. Thank you so much. Yeah, I
Lora 1:00:24
just I felt it felt like it was true. It's like, we can't take much of what we had before with us, but we can take each other. Exactly.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:00:33
Yeah. Yeah. Well, so speaking of record release, so this is going to be released June 10. Right. Yes. So tell tell my audience a little bit more about this.
Lora 1:00:45
Yes. So the upcoming record is called Domestique. And it'll be released June 10, all streaming platforms and all the things and but you can go ahead and pre order it. Now it's available on Bandcamp. And if you if you purchase the album, now you'll get a free bonus track download. It's called I will fly. And it's a little twist on Somewhere over the rainbow. I was singing Somewhere over the rainbow to my daughter. And I thought this is not a very empowering song. Because it's like, kind of wishful. And I thought you know what I'm going to turn it. And that's not going to be wishful. It's going to be I will fly. And I'm going to get over that rainbow. And I'm going to be exactly where I want to be. And so are you. And so that's a little twist of the song. And I just did a like a little demo and wanted to put it on the track very last minute. So you'll get that if you purchase the album now. And you can find me on YouTube, you can find me on Instagram, and I have three music videos out from the lap from that's for this record. So
Unknown Speaker 1:01:47
yeah, that's everything.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:01:49
Yeah, so I'll link everything in the show notes. So my audience could just click on and purchase because I mean, yeah, your music is just amazing. Like, I almost teared up. I'm, Oh, my goodness. But no, it's, it's just yeah, it's really it hits the heart. So beautiful.
Lora 1:02:11
I really appreciate it. Thank you so much for having me on. It's been so fun to be here with you.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:02:16
Good, good. So before I have this last question, I do want to acknowledge you. You know, like you, not only are you No, just a songwriter, or just a singer, you are so much more. I mean, you have such a beautiful heart, a beautiful gift to give others and are using your own story to help others in their story. And that I think is profound, and I think inspiring. So you and you put it through your music and put it through your lyrics. And I think I know that people are just going to be inspired when they hear you and see you. So thank you so much for being here.
Lora 1:02:58
Oh, thank you.
I really appreciate it.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:03:01
Yeah.
So the last last question I have is can you leave us with one, quote or words of wisdom?
Lora 1:03:12
I think the biggest thought I would offer people is that you're worthy. You're worthy of care, you're worthy of knowing yourself, you're worthy of the work that it takes to be well. So I think that I think that is it. And it is possible, it's possible to come home to yourself. So I just think that's my invitation is to do it to like begin the process of coming home to yourself.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:03:41
Beautiful. Yes. Well, thank you so much, Laura, it has been a pleasure to have you on and you know what? We'd love to have you on again. So after he is released, we'll, we'll definitely connect and we'd love to have you on again to do a part two. So
Unknown Speaker 1:03:59
yeah, thank you.
Elizabeth Di Cristofano 1:04:00
It's been so good to talk with you. I
Lora 1:04:02
felt like such a privilege to be here. Thank you so much for having me. So fun. Well, thank