Yahoo!! We gonna drink, we gonna eat, we’re gonna do all our sinful deeds right now because its Mardi Gras bitches! Fill you bowl with jumbo, throw back a hurricane, and shove your face full of king cake because its time to get tanked!
Happy Mardi Gras! I’m am your queen of festivities, Deidre and welcome to today’s episode of Weird Animal Facts: Explicit where we’ll take a dirty stroll down Bourbon Street to learn about two animals that call Louisiana home and are a must have at any Mardi Gras festival. The American alligator and blue crab.
For those of you unaware of what Mardi Gras is, its is based on Christian tradition and some of you may know it better as Fat Tuesday because the next day Ash Wednesday Lent begins, so you must give up something usually a vice of some kind to honor their lord and Savor Jesus Christ Superstar; John Legend at least the 2018 version. But we will not be focusing on what we’ll be giving up as Fat Tuesday is the day for sin! And the two animals of today can be as sinful as a college freshman discovering booze and marijuana. Alright so many the animals of today aren’t as naughty as us humans but their sex life is a bit promiscuous. That’s right, since its Mardi Gras and we’ve got to let all our sins out in time for Easter we’re learning about the sexy lives of the alligator and blue crab.
**American Alligator: The best fucking animal in the entire world! They’re big, they’re tough, they can be sensitive, adorable, roughed yet an angle, just don’t fuck with them or their babies. And that kind of goes with any animal. And yes, I know that there have been a-many-a-miss-haps with alligators and the people of Florida, but you guys know about Florida, right? Anyways, we aren’t in Florida, its Mardi Gras so we’re in Louisiana, New Orleans! Which can still have some alligator related mis-haps. However, I have said this many times before in many other episodes, when people get hurt by a wild animal 95% of the time its that damn human’s fault! If you don’t want a wild animal to kill you then don’t be a dick!
Hopefully after learning a bit more about this prehistoric looking log that can grow to be as long as a garage door, you’ll have a better understanding of them an have gained some respect. I can tell you from experience that alligators have a horrible reputation. They’re known as murders, child eaters, who are just lurking in the swampy water awaiting for your chihuahua to come close enough to the edge, so to murder it. Alligators are smart. Just like the laziest of humans, they’re opportunistic. Meaning if you aren’t keeping a close eye on your little pup, because you don’t need to put a leash on your little beast, we’ll you may very well learn your lesson the hard way.
In my zookeeping career I have worked and trained alligators. They are smart. They can be scared and others can be brave. Just like people. They can problem solve and obviously their problem-solving skills have done them a lot of good. After all scientist suspect that the alligator species has been on this planet for 150 million years. That means they survived when the so-called great beasts, dinosaurs, died. All heil the alligator kings and queens!
In case you don’t know what an alligator is or want further crocodilian facts, you can check out the gharial episode 24; but in case you want a refreshing on the appearance; an alligator is a large reptile with thick greenish scales that are way tougher than other reptilian scales, such as a snake for example. They have four legs yet spend quiet a bit of their life in the water. No they can’t breathe under the water, their a reptile so no gills (this is something you should have learned already), but they can hold their breath for about 15 minutes. Alligators are the shit!
Sure eating the neighbor’s cat is considered sinful, but so is sex and foreplay in some religions. But not on Mother Nature’s watch. Let’s talk about the sex life of a gator, after all sex leads to babies and babies alligators and are cutest fucking thing on the who gosh darn planet! So alligator sex is great (Even if it only lasts 30 seconds).
With spring time upon us, it means the males are in search for a lover! But not a permanent lover as alligators aren’t about that monogamist lifestyle. Males are known to sleep around the swamp a few times, if you know what I mean and females will usually have a different mate for every clutch.
Fun Fact: A clutch is like a litter. You know like a litter of kittens. Instead, it’s a clutch of eggs.
Before we dive into the alligator’s sex life; perhaps I should set the mood.
Dim the lights, to a perfect sunset, or sunrise. Allow that light orange and red glow to descend delicately though the branches and trunks of the cypress trees, shinning a broken cast of shadows through the greens leaves and Spanish moss. The duckweed floats in the brownish water as the light that’s able to make its way through the maze of the canopy kisses its leaves like dusting of powder sugar left being on your lips from that delicious beignet. A large female gator, roughly the length of a surfboard, secretes a pheromone hoping that there are a few brave males out there looking to chase down an endless summer with her and ride her wave into pleaser beach (actually we aren’t sure if alligators find sex pleasurable, again their sex isn’t very long. The copulation part I mean).
Fun Fact: Alligators typically live in fresh water; not to be confused with the American crocodile, who lives in saltwater.
The bayou appears still and quiet. That is until a large male get a whiff of her sexiness. And now its time for seduction.
I’d like to take a quick brake from this romantic bayou porno I’m painting for you and I’d like you to imagine you’re a human woman at a bar and you’re looking for a mate. So you put on your most appealing perfume and hit the town. While you’re sitting there at the bar just waiting for a possible possibility, you hear a bellowing gargle. You look over your shoulder and see a strong man growling at you. A different man slaps his hand down on the bar across from you as his throat lets out his own growling. The two males bellow for your attention. They sing their own independent songs of gaggling, burps, pops, hisses and grows hoping to win your favor. One of the males, that one at the bar, has had enough of this competition and slaps the other male. He backs off. You find this attractive, especially since he’s now gargling his whisky and coke so aggressively that liquid appears to dancing in thick bead-like droplets. Those droplets are big and you like. You let out a bellowing gargle back inviting him in. He feels brave and does so. He lowers himself and then blows bubbles under your belly. Then you have sex for thirty seconds. And since you aren’t satisfied; because let’s face, what percentage of woman would be after thirty second of sex, so you go fight yourself another bae to fuck.
This is pretty much what’s happening with alligators. But instead of seedy bar it’s a Louisiana swamp and this all happens in the water. And this bellowing gargle sounds like it should be something out throat of a possessed child as her head spins around and lights flicker. But hey, I’m not one to judge if the lady gator finds that attractive. Hell, some of you might find gargle bellowing sexy.
This is known as a water dance. Not because it’s a synchronized swimming routines you’d see from the Russians, but because the males will bring the back just to very, very surface of the water. They’ll lift up their head and their tail, take in all this air, then let it out. As they do, they release a bellow that is 19 hertz. We humans can barely hear that, if at all. But its so low in frequency that its causes the water to vibrate. When it does, the water that’s on their back dances. That’s their water dance, and its said the males that produce the bigger dancing drops that jumps from their back are the sexiest.
So this means what’s stimulating the female alligator isn’t necessarily what the male is saying but how the vibrations of his 19 hertz of sound makes her feel. And if you’re looking to step up your bedroom game and suck as role play then just pull out a vibrator. If it’s been working for these prehistoric majestic beasts for the last 150 million years, it ought to work for you in the bedroom.
The gator vibrator; satisfying women for 150 million years. Get yours today; located in that dark alley off the corner of Bourbon Street.
I’m picking up good vibrations.
After the love making commences, if you can even call it that, the female will start constructing the nest. Not the male those, cuz according to Darwin all men are good for is sperm. The nest is made on land in a muddy, vegetative area. She’ll use the mud, nearby sticks and plants to build this nest and she’ll even hang around. Which is weird. Most reptiles lay their eggs then peace out, but not mamma gator, she’ll stick with them for about year or so and she’ll even protect them. Which is better than some human mothers.
American Alligators are amazing! They have incredible hearing, and instincts for sex that makes them a perfect mascot for Mardi Gras! And let’s try to celebrate in as much of a New Orleans style as we can but calling on those voodoo spirits as I attempt to summon that great alligator god: Scientific names are hard. Alligator mississippiensis
** Blue crab: The most colorful crustaceans you could ever eat! Dwelling in the shallow waters of the Gulf of Mexico lives a very brightly colored crab. Well, brightly when compared to what we think of crabs.
Fun Fact: crabs aren’t typically red. A pigment called astaxanthin in the shells of crabs, lobsters and shrimp that is normally used to absorb blue light which doesn’t do well with heat; such as boiling water! Which then turns their shell red!
But we won’t be talking about eating crabs today (even though Mardi Gras does involve shoveling pounds upon pounds of crabs and crawfish down your throat), we’ll be talking about the living wild crabs. Crabs aren’t just those red things on your plate or in you pants. Crabs are typically drab colored but the blue crab is…blue. But not all the way blue. And in case you don’t know what a crab looks like imagine an ovalish pancake shape with ridges along one side and two little eyes and a creepy mouth along that ridge in the center. Running along that ridge towards to back are legs. In fact, crabs have 3 pairs of walking legs and an additional pair of legs, not for walking, at the rear that are strictly for swimming. At the other end, when you journey past all those legs, leading the leg brigade are the claws! 2 claws to be exact, that just like the 3 pairs of walking legs and one pair of swimming legs, mirrors the other.
Fun Fact: If you’d like to sound smart and fancy you can call those claws cheliped.
Interested, it’s the blue color of the blue crabs legs that give it its names. Because they’re blue. The back, or carapace of the crab can be blueish but is more of a grey, green, but those legs! Damn are they a sexy shade of blue. But they get sexier still. For the lady blue crab; once reaching adulthood the tips of their little crabby claws turn a bright reddish orange that the male crabs just lust after.
Speaking of lust; have you ever thought about how a crab reproduces? If not then go ahead and think about it now. Because whatever you’re thinking, it’s probably a bit weirder than that. Crabs are crustaceans: think of other crabs, shrimps, lobster, barnacles and krill because they are all too crustaceans. And crustacea is the subphylum. Which is below the Phylum of Arthropda (or arthropod). (Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species).
Arthropod, by the way in case you forgot are invertebrates with exoskeletons, segmented bodies and paired jointed appendages; such as the blue crab, scorpions, and yes eve butterflies for example. And there are a lot of arthropods in the world. We today, will be focusing on one such arthropod who is a member of the family Portunidae or swimming crabs: the tasty treat for all those jesters on Fat Tuesday looking to take full advantage of the meaning of the world “fat” and attempt to eat as many blue crabs possible so to place them on the endangered species list. Which they have yet to do thankfully.
The blue crab is a normal sex maker. At least in the ways of us humans thinking about sex. Sexually. Which sounds stupid, because like duh. But there are different types of sex which is covered one such type just a couple weeks ago: asexual reproduction. But not the blue crab, they, unlike the pathogenesis sharks likes to get there claws dirty in the bedroom.
~Hello. This is Mortimore from Molts with Mortimore and before you start talking about crab, I’d like to do a quick segment about MOLTS! I just love molts. And since the blue crab is a crustacean, they molt! But their molt is different from my insect loves, as their exoskeleton is much harder and larger. I just love it when I can get my continuously growing skin hands onto one of these chitin carapaces. Chitin in the Greek word for envelope because chitin holds in the smooshy bodies of my ever-growing arthropod loves. Chitin is made of glucose cells all bunched together so to become hard and then protect the arthropods until they molt it, then it’s mine! Chitin is also in cell walls of fungi, but I don’t care! I do very much care for the male blue crabs as they will molt multiple times throughout their life, while the female only does it about once, meaning the females produce less molts for me to have. And I must have all the molts. I want my exoskeletons!~
Fun Fact: When crabs molt, as well as other arthropods, since they have no bones they are very soft and bodies can be, well, limp. For blue crabs they are stuck in this vulnerable stage of external softness for less then half a day. During which time they grow a new exoskeleton.
Double Fun Fact: Soft crabs are in high demand in the sea food restaurant industry since you can eat everything! And don’t have to worry about slicing your skin on their shell that will only burn more once those Cajun spices get into that cut.
Triple Fun Fact: If you commonly eat crab then you’ve possibly had to select between soft shell and hard-shell crab. But they’re just the same thing. Soft shell carbs are just freshly molted crabs.
I thought we were talking about sex. What’s with all this shell talk? Because the molt is very important for the breeding of blue crab. When a male spots a female, he really like and wants to fuck, he has to be not patient but also agile. Why? Because crabs are tough mother fuckers! They have hard ass shell and not to mentions literal claws that can do a good bit of damage. That means if a male, is being stupid and isn’t quick enough the female could kill him because let’s face it, not every woman wants to fuck you.
But if the male crab is willing the wait….wait let’s rewind, because its not just waiting he has to do, but he also has to catch her in an almost cradle. He’ll hold back her piercing claws and escort her around until she molts. And do yourself a favor and don’t compare this to what it would be like if humans did this because its not good, so just image cute blue crabs dancing around until the female is basically naked. At least when she’s undressing, he gives her, her space, that is until her abdomen is exposed then hello sperm! But the male isn’t just going to jizz and run. He sticks around so to protect her. Because let’s face it, with that naked, molted limp body, she’s a pretty easy meal for anything large looking to fill their Mardi Gras menu. Some males will even sit on top of the female’s hat like a giant crab hat of protect! Aw, what a way to show a gal ya love her!
What’s crazy to think about is that the female only molts once in her life, and she only mates once in her life. Its almost as if the female blue crab evolved to only mate once, so that she’s not getting pinned down and taken a prisoner by men her entire life who are just waiting for her Cassady belt to magically fall off so that they can fuck her. That’s an adaptation for promoting positive mental health for female blue crabs everywhere.
Disclaimer: When I say the female only molts once, I mean only once when she’s a crab. You see they go through a lifecycle and in their younger larval form they will molt about 6 or 7 times before actually resembling what we think of as a crab. So technically female crabs can molt more then once but they’re really small when they do and doesn’t really count. Anyways: End of Disclaimer.
Even though females only mate once, they can still spawn multiple times. Because she can store that sperm! When the universe tells her its time to have some babies she’ll create this external egg mass on her underside, beneath her abdomen that looks like a sponge and can have up to 8 million eggs in it!
Oh my gosh, what if that’s what SpongeBob really is? A female crab’s spongey egg pouch. No that’s probably not what he it.
Now don’t worry if you aren’t in New Orleans on this Fat Tuesday as blue crab can be found in many locations from pretty much the entire east coast of North and South America and most of the cost lines around Europe. But I should mention that they are invasive in Europe so all you around France, Spain and into the Mediterranean need to find your inner fatty and take full advantage of the Mardi Gras celebration. And while you gather up your mallet, knife and claw cracker, strap on your bib and beans and enjoy the Blue Crabs scientific name. Callinectes sapidus
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If you’re celebrating Mardi Gras alone but still want to celebrate this sinful day then jump on to Tinder with your sexy bellowing love call (or just pull out your gator vibrator), cook up all the tasty sea food you can get your hands on (as long as it was harvested sustainably, check out the show notes for info on that), and if you really need that extra Mardi Gras fill then flash your tits to a stranger to see if they toss you some beads. Today is the day for the sinner! So feast on my bayou friends and try not to get a ticket for indecent exposure. Stay Weird.