67. Snakes

Happy St. Patrick's Day! And in honor of this day of drinking, we will learn about the animal that the dick Saint Patrick chased out of Ireland: SNAKES!

Snakes are truly amazing and yes, I have talked about a few snake species as well as their tongue but there's plenty of snake facts for everyone. In this episode we learn about why the world is such a dick to snakes. And -spoiler alert- it has to do with certain cultures (looking at you Christianity and Norse mythology). But don't worry there are plenty of other cultures who get it. They get why snakes are important and they too, like me, LOVE snakes!

Also, for you horney devils out there who want to learn all about the sex and love life of snakes...well then, this is the episode for you. And let me just warn you...its very, very, very weird. So don't be too creeped out or astonished when you learn the truth.

Scientific Names
King Cobra: Ophiophagus hannah
Eastern Garter Snake: Thammophis sirtalis
Eastern Diamond-backed rattle snake: Crotalus adamanteus

Follow the Podcast on Social Media!
Instagram @wafpodcast
tiktok @wafpodcast
Email: wafpodcastexplicit@gmail.com
Facebook: "Weird Animal Facts: Explicit" 

Transcript

I don’t know what the Bible’s deal was with snakes. In fact I don’t get what the world’s deal is with snakes. Snake are the shit! It is true that there are many cultures who love and even worship snakes, but something has happened so that the majority of the world sees snakes are villains, bad guys, aimless murderers! And yes a lot of that has to do with St. Patrick himself. So sorry, not sorry, to take this day of drinking and turn it into an over the top educational lesson about why snakes should be loved.

Welcome to Weird Animal Facts: Explicit, a show dedicated to the weird, odd, unusual, gross and often times disturbing facts about animals. I’m Deidre and I LOVE snakes! Throughout my zookeeping career I have worked with and loved so many snakes! None venomous as I’m not that crazy (Deidre does a crazy laugh), plus I respect snakes too much to even try to mess with a venomous one. 

Um…I though you already did an episode about snakes. I did, but it was very specific. If you check out episode 28 you’ll come into the middle of our five senses series were I talk about snakes and their sense of taste. So yes I already talked about snakes but that was just how their tongue worked and yes we’ve already learned about a few other snake species were I touch on a few other snake facts but today it’s a bit different. Plus you can never have too many snakes!

For those of you who are fearful of snakes; I suppose I shouldn’t blame you. Its not your fault. No more its your fault for thinking you swallow eight spiders a year in your sleep or frogs and toads give you warts. Those are all lies. So you’re saying snakes can’t hurt me? Technically snakes can hurt you, anything can hurt you. A piece of paper can give you a gnarly injury, and an end table can break bones. The only reason why snakes, or any animal harms people is because you’re being a dick to them. So just don’t be a dick! There you go! Problem solved. Not really, because the truth is, many snakes get killed just because of these old and ancient teachings. And mainly because people don’t know or understand the importance of snakes. 

Today, we are going to learn about how and why snakes have received this bad reputation as well as look at some cultures who maybe we should adopt when it comes to our view of snakes. By doing this, by learning and understanding it will help you and the world to see snakes in a positive light, and perhaps change your view of snakes from a murderous terrifying monster to a cute little tiny noodle filled with love!

There are over 3,000 snake species in the world and seeing that there are so many, it might be a good idea for you to be able to identify what snake is. And I know what you’re thinking; its just a legless lizard. WRONG! Because there are actually legless lizards in this world and they aren’t snakes. Legless lizards blink, snakes don’t! Fine then snakes are just scaly worms that stare at you constantly. Wrong again. Sure, a snake looks like a worm as its just a long thing, but worms are invertebrates; meaning they have no backbone. Where snakes, who even though they look like a garden hose do in fact have a back bone. Plus, many worms excrete a layer of mucus to help them stay moist and to breathe as they breathe through their skin. Snakes don’t do that. They breath with lungs through their nose and mouth. So…not a worm. 

Snakes are carnivores. Meat eaters. And I suppose that fact with their never blinking eyes and not having enough legs can scare the sobriety back into any Irishmen. Especially when considering that there are no snakes in Ireland. There are no snakes in Ireland! Well that’s not entirely true. There were snakes in Ireland at one point but that was a very long time ago. And legend goes that St. Patrick sat atop an Irish hill as he was fasting those same 40 days and nights as Jesus did when he was attacked snakes! (Which is bull shit if you ask me. He musts have been doing something stupid if you ask me. He was hungry, he probably tried to eat one and the snakes wanted none of that. Anyways…) Because of this “attack” he chased off all the snakes! Every single one of them until they slithered into the ocean and died. 

What this story is truly saying is that St. Patrick’s Day is not a celebration of murdering snakes; which to those who take it literally would view it as, and is horrible. But the true message of this story is even more horrifying. St. Patrick represents himself as he was the man who brought Christianity to Ireland. As for the snakes, well, snakes were held in very high regard when it came to the Celtic Druids, or Pagans, as snakes, due to their ability to shed their skin were viewed as a symbol of rebirth. So, Paganism is represented by snakes in this story. Who knew the rebirth that their snakes represented would be getting their religion shoved underground and replaced, or give birth to Christianity? St. Patrick’s Day is just a celebration of Christianity canceling another religion. Think about that as you’re chucking your fifth green dyed beer on the holiday.

The real reason there are no longer any snakes in Ireland is because its just too damn cold! Also, its surrounded by water. Even if snakes tried to swim across St. Georgia’s Channel or the Irish Sea the water’s too cold, therefore these cold-blooded reptiles would slow down and probably freeze to death in the icy waters. 

Scientifically speaking cold-blooded is an inaccurate term. The proper word of choice is either ectotherm or poikilotherm. Yep. That’s 100% correct.

Fun Fact: Either word works; ectotherm or poikilotherm. Ecto means outside: meaning animals like snake’s relay on the outside temperature to regulate their body temperature. Poikilo means variety; as those commonly called “cold-blooded” animals’ body temperature will change and fluctuate; creating a variety of temperature. 

So ya, saying cold-blooded really isn’t accurate as their blood isn’t all way cold. 

Double Fun Fact: Most of the world’s animals are cold-blooded, I mean poikilotherms, or…ectotherm. Yeah, there’s a lot of ways to say that. We’ll stick with ectotherm. Most animal in the world are ectotherms!

But way have snakes always been seen as bad…and I just realized that snakes would have made a fantastic Halloween episode where I bust the myth of those traditional spooky animals, but then what animal would I have talked about for St. Patrick’s day? I guess I could have talked about dunk animals like the Bohemian waxwing bird who will sometime eat too many fermented berries and die unlike bats who can hold their fermented fruit. There were those spiders that some satanic scientist decided to give different types of drunks to just to see what would happen (the results are crazy by the way). And of course certain monkey species who will literally steal that cocktail right out of your hand. Speaking of truly freighting animals dolphins will get high of pufferfish. But since none of those are true reflection of that species (maybe with the exception of the dolphin and monkey) I thought best to continue to bust common animal myths, this way we can help save the snakes! Because yes, snakes deserve to live regardless of what certain stories my tell. Stories such as the Norse tall of Jormungand (YOUR-mun-gund).

For those of you familiar with the Marvel Thor and Loki will have some relevance…but only some. Jormungand is said to be one of three children of Loki and Jormungand was a snake that was thrown into the ocean by Odin (Hm…this story sounds remarkably similar to St. Patrick). But unlike the Irish tale, this snake did not die, at least not yet. Instead it grew into a giant ass snake! Then to make matters worse, since everyone LOVE Thor, they were all on his side when he fought Jormungand who is said to be Thor’s arch nemeses. And when they fought in Jormungand’s last breath he bit Thor, poisoning him (technically its be venom but we’ll stick with the original uneducated version) and then Thor died. As Aaron Burr sang in Hamilton: Now I’m the villain in your history books.  But unlike Aaron Burr who’s villain might be justified I’m not sure if Jormungand’s is. Like what did Odin have against Jormungand? Nothing, there was just this prophecy about Ragnarok, you know only the end of the world and Jormungand just happened to be about it so Odin tossed him in the water. The real Matrix question is: would Jormungand had been as dangerous is Odin wasn’t a dick? The world will never know, except that we do. When you’re a dick to animals, they are then forced to protect themselves. Its like talking shit to your brother then run crying to mommy and daddy when your brother called you a bugar-brain. You were asking it for. 

But the villain of snakes doesn’t stop there. At one point Christianity didn’t want anyone to be apart of paganism so they rebranded snakes as the devil. They are the devil. So is sex. Why else would snakes be shaped like the male penis? SHAME! I will admit some penises are very tempting just like the story of Adam and Eve. The devil sent a creature that just so happens to look like a snake and now the world hates snakes. Sure they look creepy but so does your girl friend first thing in the morning and you’d still hit that. 

As hard of an effort the Christians and Norse tried to cancel snakes there are many great supports of snakes out there. I mean aside from your buddy Deidre here. There are many cultures, not just the Celtics who loved snakes and understood their worth. 

Mesoamerica has the god Quetzalcoatl (ket-sahl-koh-ah-tul) who is a rainbow feathered serpent that created the earth, and heavens. Quetzalcoatl represented the connection and importance of the earth and sky. 

Hinduism and Budism has Naga that’s a half human half cobra that used its nine heads to protect Buddha from the rain. 

Fun Fact: Snakes only have one head.

Naga represented wisdom, wealth and fertility; hence the nine heads. And legend goes that if you mistreat a snake then the universe will fuck you over. That’s karma bitches. Naga is also said to be the protector of water, similar, the Hopi Tribes of North America believed snakes were the guardian of springs.

The Hopi Tribe is from Arizona a desert area if you will. And if they needed water they would do a snake dance. Now not much is known about this dance aside from the snakes involved. Disclaimer: do not do any of the wacky stuff you are about to hear. And no offense to your religion if you are a member of the Hopi Nation but I don’t think some of these acts are in the snake’s best interest. End of disclaimer. 

To preform this dance man would collect snakes; everything from the nonvenomous corn and bull to the extremely venomous rattlesnake and wrap these snakes around their necks and some, and this is the really wacky part, would hold these live, living snakes in their mouth. Yep, between their teeth. Well that doesn’t sound sanitary. In their defense they thought they were treating the snakes great as before preforming the ceremony, to bring forth the rain, they would wash the snakes in pretty smelling waters then after the weeklong ritual they would at least release the freshly bathed snakes back into their wild home. I don’t know how many or if any of these people were bit by these snakes, but my advice is don’t pick up wildlife or put them in your mouth unless it’s in the form of a hamburger or sushi. 

In the Hopi’s defense they really did love snakes. They believe that snakes were their brothers and that snakes carried their prayers to the rainmakers and their goal was never to harm or murder a snake, theirs hearts are in a good place, it’s just their practices that might be a bit questionable. 

We really have no reason to be afraid of snakes. As long as you learn how to recognize them and give them their space you should be just fine. And if you live in Ireland, New Zealand, Hawaii, Greenland Iceland and yes even Antarctica then you won’t even have to worry about accidently running in to a snake during a hike as there are no snakes there. But for the rest of the world, you should at least be aware if there are venomous ones in your area because even if you give space to snakes your cat or pupper at home mind not have the mental compacity to know to leave it alone. That’s another reason to keep you dog on a leash and keep your cat inside.

The truth is, snakes don’t want to hurt you (unless of course you fuck with them first). Snakes, just like all living things have the simple purpose of eating, sleeping and fucking. No with fucking you but sex. And the what would an episode of Weird Animal Facts: Explicit be without a good old fashioned sex talk.

Wait…snakes can have sex? I didn’t even know they had genders. How do you tell a lady snake from a gentleman? Well, that’s a bit harder to do and its not because they don’t have genders as snakes most certainly have genders. If you’ve been listening to recent episodes then you might be trying to use some of the facts you learned there to try and figure out how two snakes have sex. If you’re thinking of most birds, who are practically reptiles themselves you might be thinking that snakes preform a cloaca kiss. After all snakes, just like birds also have a cloaca. But unlike the majority of birds snakes do in fact have a penis…well the male snakes do and it’s a very, very, very, very weird penis. But we don’t start with the penis. 

When the female is horny and ready for love, she’ll secrete pheromones, that the male will smells with his tongue and some species like the kingsnakes will become very, very active and desperate, as they scowler the land in search for that heavenly smell. If and when he finally slithers upon this mysterious beauty he will do a bit a flirter by slithering overtop her and perhaps nudging her head with his. But somethings, such as garter snakes, there are many other males around and it becomes somewhat of a free for all (more on this later). For a snake like a rattle snake its more likely that they may have to fight off a single male. But that fight is more like two really buff guys at the gym bumping chests.

Imagine you’re at the gym, peddling away on one of those stationary bikes when you catch the eye of a very strong, body builder man as he finishes that clean and jerk. The two of you share a smile and that’s enough for him to drop down that bar bell and strut on over. As you glance around, because you’re a single gal why shouldn’t you look around at your options? You notice another male, one who’s been doing a mad number of pull ups. He too looks back over and you smile. Pull up man likes this and accepts your smile as an invitation. As he ventures over, with eyes locked on you, he bumps into Mr. Clean-and-jerk and suddenly your grin grows as you watch these two possible suitors eye each other up with insult and competition. I saw her first man! Mr. Clean-and-Jerk declares as he pushes forward his thick pecs and stands tall. Senior Pull-up laughs, I don’t think so. As he too puffs up his chest and rises up on his calves and lifts his chin. Senior Pull-up bumps his chest into Mr. Clean-and-jerk. Hey! Mr. Clean-and-jerk bumps him back as he tries to stand taller. The two continues to bump chests and nudge shoulders as they try to be the tallest and the toughest. Meanwhile you sit back on that stationary bicycle with a grin knowing that you’ll definitely be getting some action tonight regardless of the results. 

Then finally, after this tough guy back and forth dance, Senior Pull-up realizes that only focusing on one’s upper body might not be the best way to win a mate, but ultimately backs down as Mr. Clean-and-jerk has proven stronger and taller. Damn look at those calf muscles. Sadly Senior Pull-up backs away defeated as your smile grows at the sight of the overall fit and muscular bod of Mr. Clean-and-jerk as he proudly comes over.

I don’t know how often this happens in for you at the gym, myself, never, but in the world of rattlesnakes, the males really do “perform” a combat dance and the bigger, stronger male gets the female. But what happens after that? Have you ever thought about the physical act of their sex making? Oh my god, please don’t do another animal porn episode. That porcupine episode made me so uncomfortable. Don’t worry, we won’t be getting out the lube just yet. But I would like you to actually think about it. How do snakes have sex? Wouldn’t it be just like humans? Hot dog in the donut. Yes, but what if that hot dog had two tips? And what if there were two hot dogs? Wait. Are you telling me that snakes have….(math) four penises? No, they have two but each one has two heads. But wait! Because before your imagination starts to get going, I should point out that they don’t use both penises at the same time. No body wants that many dicks in their face. Speak for yourself. 

Imagine you’re a male in a dark room with some sexy music is playing and there are hundreds of other naked people in this room with you. You’re naked too by the way, because you’re at one of those weird sex parties. There’s plenty of woman there but there are also men too. And this room is so crowded that everyone just keeps bumping into each other. Then suddenly you notice that one of the people you’ve bumped into is a woman you noticed earlier, in fact she’s the one who invited you to orgy. But to your left, pressing up against you is a large hairy man. You maybe an alley but you yourself aren’t ready to for that adventure yet. By the way, since this is a sex party, there is consent. …I feel like for this imaginary scenario this is important for me to say. 

You, as a part snake man, have two penises, but they aren’t just dangling around the way a normal man’s dick would hang. Both of your penises are inside. Not tucked up in your ass hole, but almost like a deflated rubber glove just resting side your cloaca…or two deflated rubber gloves just waiting for one to fill. Now because you’ve chosen this lady to your right it will be your penis on your right side that somewhat blows up like the way a rubber glove comes out of itself. After all you don’t want to accidently fuck that guy on your left, even if he’d enjoy it. So you inflate and penetrate.

As disgusting as this may sound to some, or kinky to other, this imaginary orgy scenario is the actual sex life of garter snakes. You can literally find hundreds of garter snakes all piled up together in literally balls just tossing their hemi-penises around. 

Fun Fact: All snakes and lizards have hemi-penises. 

I want you to think about a human penis. Well, thanks to you that’s all I’ve been thinking about for the last couple minutes. That’s fair, but I want you to think about how the penis functions. Specifically, how the sperm gets into the female. It comes out of a tube and that tube is found inside of the man’s penis. What if I told you that snakes don’t have a tube to transport sperm? WHAT!? I know crazy right, instead they have a groove on top of the penis that travels down those two penis heads. Why? Why would they want to transport sperm on the outside of the penis? How does that even work? I don’t know! And that’s what’s so amazing weird about it all. What we do know is that each hemi-penis fits perfectly into the lady’s love spot. That means you can only fuck their own species as their reproduction organs work like a lock and key. And in some cases, can lock. 

Like literally, some snakes, boas will have his penis inside the female for hours or an entire day! Certain snake penises even have spikes on it so that when they fuck they stay fucked. After that long sexy night the female can actually store the sperm and decided, like actually decide when to fertilize her eggs. As for the male; well he can go out and fuck another lady. But wouldn’t he be tired, after all he just got rid of all that sperm? The funny think about snakes is that not only does he have another penis he can use but that other penis is hooked up to its very own testis. What an amazing life snakes live!

-Whoa…How did we go from some old man scaring snakes into the ocean to double head snake dicks? No one really knows, but what is know is that some of you will find some of your own love after your St. Patrick Day shenanigans. And when you do I hope that you impress your temporary lover with some fun sexy snake facts. But now I think its time for me to try to impress you with some scientific names: Scientific names are hard.

King Cobra: Ophiophagus hannah
Eastern Garter Snake: Thammophis sirtalis
Eastern Diamond-backed rattle snake: Crotalus adamanteus

If you enjoyed this episode or others then please rate and review the show wherever you’re listening so that other weirdos can learn about the weird sex life of the snake and some of their origin as to way we shouldn’t fear snakes. After all snakes help to maintain the rodent population. And I know that mice and rats can be cute but only in small quantities. So if you don’t see any rat shit in your kitchen you can thank a snake. Snakes are amazing beautiful creatures…well maybe their hemi-penis isn’t beautiful as its even uglier that a human penis but its still pretty amazing the way they do it! But if the sexual anatomy of the snake has taught us anything, its that snakes are much more complicated creatures then we thought. There’s more to them than just a constantly starring legless reptile and I think its time that the world learned that. So please share this episode with the world so that one day we all come be the nerdiest of weirdos!