With spring break upon us, and with no one wanting to do any kind of work, I thought it best to go over two animals with a very spring break focused mind…well kind of. At least in the ways of sex. Hi I’m Deidre and this is Weird Animal Facts: Explicit a podcast for the average Joe would wants to learn as much as they can about animals but don’t want to be spoken to like a child. Mom what are those two turtles doing? Um… They’re giving their friend a piggy back ride. Oh no! Not in this podcast; I won’t lie to you. You can bet your frat boy ass that I’m going to not only tell you that those to turtles are fucking but I’ll also add the vocals (Deidre makes turtle sex noise).
Today I no exception as we take an adult only look at two animals. One I think most of us will understand why they are the highlight of today’s episode while the other may leave you going: huh? Bonobos and ducks. Two wildly different animals who have extremely promiscuous sex lives. At times they are normal as no one, not even the ever loving troops of bonobos are fucking all the time. But when it does come down to the love making these two species weird sex life will most certainly shock you.
**Bonobos: The hippie sex commune of the animal world. Its odd for to think governments, states, pristine schools will spend heaps amount of money so that scientists and their students can study the sex life of an animal. Bu that exactly why we have all this information today! And there’s a LOT of sex information on bonobos. Ducks too, but we’ll get soon. But why? Why do we care so much about the sex life of a primate? Is it because the scientist weren’t getting enough action themselves so they did the next best things as their spouse very much frowns upon porn so they thought, I might as well get into a career where I can watch and then write upon the sex acts made by animals.
The real reason why we have no much sex research on bonobos possibly has to do to that fact that they are very similar to us. Bonobos are as related to us as dogs are to foxes. We share about 98% of DNA with bonobos!
Fun Fact: This is also true for our DNA relation with chimpanzees, but chimpanzees’ sex life isn’t as weird of that of the bonobo. More on this soon.
First; before we get too far into the adult content, just what is a bonobo and how are they different from other great apes. And what’s a great ape?
I’m glad you asked Deidre. Great apes are larger, more intelligent primates. Apes such as gorillas, orangutans, chimpanzees, bonobos and yes even you! That’s right humans are also great apes! Why? Well, when you look in a mirror do you know its you? That’s thanks to your larger brain. And you can’t see this right now but I’m giving you a thumbs up. And if you can do that too then congratulations you too are a great ape.
Um, but want about opossums, koalas, and frogs. They have thumbs. True but are they primates? No. Therefore not a great ape!
Fun Fact: There are also lesser apes, which include the gibbon. They are smaller and are more adapted to life swinging from the trees. Therefore, Tarzan should have probably been raised by gibbons for his swinging from vines to make more sense as it’s only the juvenile gorillas who do the tree swinging.
But just what is a bonobo? Most people are familiar with what great apes look like. And if you don’t then what have you been doing your entire life to not know what apes are!? Anyways, bonobos were once thought to be a smaller subspecies of chimpanzees because when some guy was looking at skulls from a museum he thought one was a chimpanzee’s skull except is was too small and was most certainly not a baby. Thereby identifying the bonobo. And that was only in 1929 making the bonobos one of the last largest mammals to be found by science!
Why did it take so long? Well as mentions they were thought to be chimpanzees, just pygmy. In fact bonobos were once referred to as lustful satyrs. So much so that their old scientific name was Pan satyrus. And since we’re on scientific names I might as well get the bonobo’s out of the way.
Scientific names are hard: Bonobo: Pan paniscus
Because bonobos were said to be pygmy chimpanzees you can come to the conclusion that bonobos just look like chimpanzees only smaller. There are some other differences, bonobos are a bit slimmer built and have dark faces with pink lips, while chimpanzees are more robust with lighter colored faces that can even freckle and will get darker with age. Another difference has to do with who’s in charge. The ladies! Who run the world? Girls! But the biggest difference comes in the form of solving and putting an end to aggressive behavior.
In the chimpanzee world, and human, we solve our problems by fighting. You know, like idiots. But bonobos have a different approach: love! Imagine getting into a car wreak and instead of rushing out of your car yelling and then starting a fight with the idiot who just pulled out in front of you; you still yell but to quickly settle your fiery emotions you just rub your genitals together.
As weird as it is for many people to think rubbing ones genitals onto a strangers, this strategy appears to be the reason why bonobos are so chill. And they are chill! You know what animal has never been know to kill a member of their own kind? Bonobos! Humans are even that chill! There are literally thousands of TV shows, books, and podcasts about humans killing other humans. Bonobos just don’t do that. Which perhaps why scientist found it important to study their sex life.
Sexual reconciliation. And no, we’re not talking about the Catholic Church in the early 2000s. Instead of having these great big fights with one another bonobos will offer different types of sexual acts. And its not like prostitution, they aren’t selling anything, sex is just apart of their social behavior the same way you apologize after eating someone else’s food from the employee fridge or you cheer and high five your co-workers when the company buys everyone pizza! Its just apart of their every day life.
Let’s face it, bonobos are getting more action than your most promiscuous friend. And don’t think that their sex acts are only female to male because they have no limitations. They have same sex relations as frequently as they do opposite. Girl on girls, man on man, man on female, female on male, female on male with male and female watching, female watching male on male…yeah. This is really their life. And they treat it as normal. Its not taboo to have sex, hell if a bonobo wasn’t having sex that’d be the taboo. Even in humans it seems that talking about sex is taboo. And even within sexually active humans talking about anything other then missionary is taboo. But there’s nothing wrong with missionary, at least that way you get to see your partner.
Speaking of missionary; guess who else preforms sex in missionary style? Bonobos! And I know what you’re thinking: That’s pretty vanilla. Maybe for the adventurous human couple but what other animals do it missionary style? Bonobos are actually physically designed so that missionary is easy. The female bonobo’s vulva and clitoris face front making missionary even easier.
But wait there’s more! So yes, bonobos will solve and extinguish issues with sex but they also get aroused for other things, such as anything that’s exciting. Just think, your boss bought pizza for the entire company and before you all start ripping open the box and shoving her mouths full of cheese and peperoni everyone just starts fucking! I’m sure that there are some at your work place who would enjoy this but since you’re human and not a bonobo you better not start introducing this bonding exercise unless you want a long and lengthy visit to Human Recourses.
What this signifies in the world of bonobo; you know all this sex having, is that bonobos, like humans; know the difference between sex and reproduction. If they didn’t then we’d have a lot more bonobos in the wild, and unfortunately there aren’t that many due to the fact that they are only found in forests south of the Congo River and that forest is rather small, especially in comparison to the more well known chimpanzee. Which I don’t understand, which this thought might just be due to the fact that I need to have sex so naturally my mind heads towards bonobos over the other apes, but bonobos have amazing sex! Allow me to elaborate:
There are no limitations, when it comes to sex with each other. Females will rub their genitals together, males will stand back to back and rub one’s scrotum on the other’s ass and some males will even dangle from trees and preform a fun form of penis fencing. And they do all this to strength bonds with one another.
But let’s say a less popular bonobo gets the opportunity to have sex with a very popular one. Imagine that celebrity that find the sexiest and if you had to chance to sleep with them. When you came, because let’s face it, you will most defiantly cum (even it was fifteen seconds in), at that moment you let out a loud satisfied call. You know just incase anyone you know from high school is within ear shot. Because you want those bitches and assholes to know you got to fuck this A list celebrity. Bonobos also do this. But because they live in a real community, not like you who goes to the Farmer’s Market once a month and thing you have a strong connection with the bread guy; no. Bonobos communities are very close and connected, mainly because of the sex and I’m guessing you aren’t taking the bread guy behind his booth to let him batter your dough.
Anyways, when a less popular bonobo gets with a more popular bonobo, because the other bonobos are around, they let all those others know just what and who they are doing. And the more popular their partner the louder their call. This is referred to as a copulation call.
Fun Fact: Bonobos aren’t the only animals that call during sex; other primates, including humans, as well as many bird species let out a shriek of success during copulation. We humans call it an vocal orgasm!
We humans sharing so much DNA with this socio-sexual species its odd to think that the majority of humans are focused on that monogamous life style and how many people view sex as unmentionable and is something only to be shared between and husband and a wife. But since science has proven that sex reduces stress and knowing that the bonobo troops of the world have some of the most and joyful sex as well as the most amazingly chill lives in the world, it’s a wonder why we humans haven’t adopted the ways of the bonobos. Then again, this show does tend to attract weirdos. I’m sure there are some of you out there how are more bonobo then you’d admit to your mother.
**Ducks…have dicks! Well the males do. And I would like to preface that even though the bonobos could and possibly should be the role model of the human sex life, that isn’t necessarily true for ducks. Well, some of the mating strategies is beautiful and respectful others…is rather dark and horrifying. Let’s start with the rainbows and butterflies.
Wait! First; we should learn what a duck it. It’s a bird. You know what a bird is right? There are nearly 50 million ducks in the world and in North America there are nearly 20 types of native ducks. If you remember our special Halloween episode of the animals you should fear you will recall what a murderous goose looks like, well a duck is the smaller cooler version of goose…Mostly. Both ducks are geese are waterfowl so they have webbed feet and are great at floating on water. They are called waterfowl after all. And both duck and geese have a broad flat beak. But since geese are the spawn of Satan let’s shift over and just focus on the duck, who in some chases might be starting to grow some malevolent behaviors. But we’re doing the sunshine part first!
Duck love! Of all the ducks in the world there are many different ways duck show their love. But ultimately its with a dance, a song and some fine and fancy feathers. Take the mallard for example; when winter time rolls around its time to pick a mate. To do so involves some fancy head work. To start with male Mallard ducks have a distinguish green head and a white ring on the neck separating the green head color with the greying coloring of the rest of the body. And with the green and their yellow beak the male is going to do a little dance of the head. While simply floating in the water the male then begins to bob or pump its head and neck up and down in hopes female mallard returns the dance. Another dance mallards preform is called the head-up-tail-up, which is pretty much what it says. But boy does it look way color then the title. They’re throw their little tail in the air followed quickly by a quick lift of the head. But one of the most wonderful and amazing courtship behaviors from a duck, I think is the Common Goldeneye.
This duck has a typical body of a duck, floats on the water, and the male is mostly white, with the exception of the head which is very dark green/black that runs down the back and wings end and tips. The rest of the body is white. Oh yes, and it has a yellow eye. Or golden. But now to imagine their dance picture this duck, sitting on a lake, then, with its long neck, reaching it high then keeping the neck and head perfectly straight will hammer it backwards so that its head touches its tail feather and brings it back up. This is called a head throw and its it way too amusing to watch.
There are many different types of head movements from various species of ducks and all of which are considered their dance of seduction. And if the lady likes what she see and hears, in some cases she will dance with him. And yes I did say hear as duck do call. So you know what that means! Its now time for:
Bird calls with Deidre. In certain field guides not only does it describe what the bird you wish to identify looks like but also their call. So in this audience participation section, I first read from my Kaufman Field Guide to Birds of North American book as to how they describe the birds call then you and I both try it at home before we listen to the correct call. So let’s give it a try with a few different duck species.
Mallard. Males make a thin rreeb while females make a noisy quacking like barnyard ducks….
American Black duck: like mallard.
Mottled duck: like mallard.
Gadwall: Males make a short ghenk. Females do a high nasal quack.
Long Tailed duck: musical yelping, yow-owdle-ow.
And my favorite: Black bellied Whistling Duck: squeaky whistles, coasta-REEcha, chi-chi-chi. Often calls in flight.
Between their elegant synchronized dances, beautiful plumage and however you’d like to describe their calls; this is the courtship behavior of those impressive ducks, who are worthy of a ladies love. After all it is the female duck who gets to select their annual mate. However, not every male can be chosen and since the female duck, just like us female woman, are going to select the most perfect and beautiful male. And because of those not so fantastic males don’t get selected, well they then to take things a little too far.
Female ducks are getting pickier; and these male ducks aren’t liking it, so they result to raping. Desperate to mate the remaining males will form a gang and then follow a female around and rape her. So much so that in some cases she dies. These dick head male ducks are breaking the system. Trying to skip the natural order and outsmart Mother Nature and God! And in some cases they are successful but these female ducks know a war when they see one. Just like how moths and bats have had an arms race of eat or be eaten for literally thousands, if not millions of generations; female ducks have been trying to prevent these gangs of males from raping her. How? Simple. Just have a vaginal canal that’s longer than the male’s penis. Not only will the male feel insignificant if he can’t get it all the way in, but the females also get the added bonus of not having this dough bag’s chicks.
But alas. As the females internal caverns grow longer so does that of the males. After all, we living creatures are only designed to eat, sleep and fuck. And these ducks have full bellies and are wide awake! The only thing left now is to fuck.
As weird as male and female ducks growing longer or deeper sexual parts so to outwit the other, what’s even weirder are the parts themselves! Some male’s penises will grow to be even longer then they are and in a spiral. Think of a crazy straw! That’s pretty much a duck’s dick. Some of these twisty penises will even have spikes or teeth on them so to keep hole of the female while inside her. But don’t worry about his so called “defenseless” female as her vaginal tract is just as weird. Let’s say a male of their specie’s dick spines in one direction. Well, the females might spin in the opposite direction making it even more difficult for that male’s sexually aggressive dick to find a path. Not only that but female’s vaginas can also have dead ends!
Now I don’t have a penis, but for you penis sporting member of the audience just imagine how frustrating and miserable that must be. You harden up her dick, sneak it up inside and oof. Dead end. Guess you aren’t having sex today!
This sexual arms race between the male and female ducks is called antagonistic coevolution.
Antagonistic coevolution: the relationship between males and females where sexual morphology changes over time to counteract the opposite’s sex traits to achieve the maximum reproductive success.
As you can see, even though ducks may appear to be these chill, perfect little floating specimen of bird-dom, they do in fact live and lead very, dangerous lives. Sometime sex itself can be a risk. Do you know what else is risky? Me reading scientific names.
Scientific names are hard.
Mallard Duck: Anas platyrhynchos
Common Goldeneye: Bucephala clangula
Black-bellied whistling duck: Dendrocygna autumnalis
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Before I go, I would like you to think and ask yourself, especially when it comes to sex. Would you rather.
And now ladies and gentlemen it’s time for that game show called: “Would you rather!” where you ask yourself, would you rather! When it comes to your sex life, would you rather be a chill, solving your problems with sex like bonobos, or would you rather be a duck? This has been would your rather.
And as you sit there contemplating your choice, I’d like to invite you to check out Weird Animal Facts Explicit’s Instagram’s page to find some inspiration for your choice. Let us know your choice in this episode’s post. And be sure not to let this decision be the weirdest thing you do today. Stay weird.