73. Frilled Neck Lizard and Secretary Bird

Last episode until July!

We take a sexy look at two very sexy looking animals: the frilled neck lizard of Australia and the secretary bird of Africa. Both with long sexy legs and bodies these two animals are the envy of all supermodels.

We look at the umbrella of a beard of this adorable lizard and some of the wacky feather patterns of the secretary bird who was named after a man of the 1800s? Fashion back then was weird.

Be sure to check out our Instagram and let us know what animals you want to learn about when we return after the break.

Scientific names
Frilled Neck Lizard: Chlamydosaurus kingii
Secretary Bird: Sagittarius serpentarius

Fun Fact! The secretary bird's scientific names translates to "snake archer." 

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Transcript

Hi Friends! And welcome to another episode of Weird Animal Facts: Explicit. Before we get started on this week’s podcast, I need to let all you die hard weirdos out there know that after this episode the next new episode won’t air until July. Meaning you’ll have plenty of time cut up on your old favorites and give you all some time to think about any animal you’d like me to cover once we start back up again. Once we do return in July we’ll just right into some truly American animals of the Wild, wild west! So be sure to tune in. But for now, sit back and relax as we learn about two very weird animals.

My name is Deidre and throughout my zookeeping career I have worked with many animals and have learned about some of the wonderfully weird ways of many of them and over time have fallen in love with some odd balls. My younger self my be confused with my choices of favorites as cheetahs and cats were all the rave in my youth, but over time found big cats to be overrated and the real gold comes from reptiles and birds. But don’t worry if you’re not a big reptilian fan as we aren’t going to be talking about snakes, as many people have a fear of them, which is completely bull shit! We will be learning about a lizard and a bird that is known for eating snakes. Frilled neck lizard and Secretary bird.

Both of these two animals have some unusual features then set them apart and long sexy legs that would make any swimsuit model jealous. Who wouldn’t want to have long, tough, scaly legs of protection? Any who, more of these sexy legs later, for not let’s travel on down under for our first animal.

**Frill neck lizard- For you older folks of the audience, who remember Jurassic Park; and I’m talking the 1993 Steve Spielberg; Jeff Goldblum, Samuel L Jackson, Wayne Knight version. Not this don’t know how to properly use a training clicker shit that the new Jurassic World Chris Pratt is forced to do. I’m talking original. And if you are familiar with film and TV of the early ‘90s then when you hear and see Wayne Knight you instantly think “Newman”. The reason I bring all of this up is because in the original Jurassic Park, during a storm Newman’s character plays that shitting person that Jerry Seinfeld always suspected him to be. And after Newman screws everyone over and tries to escape with some dino embryos he comes face to face with a dino, that’s super cute but looks remarkably like our first animal of today. 

Fun Fact: The dinosaur that I’m referencing is called the dilophosaurus and given Hollywood’s unspoken creature freedoms they added a few things to the dilophosaurs that fossil records tell us is bull shit. Venom: bull shit and a frilled neck: bull shit.

The bull shit comes from the true fact that dilophosaurus’s didn’t have venom or a frilled neck, but the inspiration for this no doubt came from the Frilled neck lizard.

Disclaimer: the frilled neck lizards does not have or produce venom. Nor is it poisonous. End of disclaimer.

What the frilled neck does have is, a frilled neck…I think we all could have guessed that. However, the design of this dinosaur puppet (that’s right they are all puppets; and none of that CGI shit of today’s dinosaurs. That’s probably why the acting was so much better, those kids probably thought they were face to face with a real fucking dinosaur)…The design of the dinosaur puppet of the dilophosaurs most certainly came from the really living animal called the frilled neck lizard. And this is no small lizard. Just like the legs of those super models their bodies and long and thin. Reaching length of 3 feet long, these Australian and New Guinea natives, when still look like a not threatened or looking for love look more like an anorexic model with frail and fragile bones. They have think, delicate looking legs and toes. A long ass tail that is the epitome of every lizard tail in any art form. And rather then being that cartoon green color of what many people think of as lizards (Looking at you 1990 Disney’s Rescuers Down Under), the frilled neck lizard is a beautiful camouflage pattern of different shades of brown, white, grey and even some orange. It is the cutest lizard in all the world! And I suppose I am somewhat biased as I have worked with one but being able to be face to face with animals and get to know them you learn to understand them and I dare say, even see their soul. But not in the creepy devil possession kind of way.

What I mean by this are that frilled neck lizards have this amazing wide eyes. They aren’t very large when comparted to eyes of an eye but they are amazing. Not just because you can get lost in them as easily as you can that rabbit hole of Pinterest. But there is a reason they’re eyes are so captivating.

If you’re been using your problem solving skills, or do understand my Jurassic Park reference or even understand the meaning when I say “frilled neck lizard,” you can safely assume that this thin, long sexy lizard pretty much has an umbrella around its neck. We’ll talk more about this later, because most of the time this lizards isn’t in full Rhianna mode. Just like that umbrella your mom got you for your birthday twelve years ago, it spends most of its it folded up and out of sight. Because even though a frilled neck lizards can be the length size as a packed up compact umbrella they don’t really want to be seen. These guys rely very heavily on the hope that no one will see them. 

Have you ever watched you dog chase a squirrel up a tree? Then once up the tree that squirrel turns in to a Looney Tunes cartoon and comically uses its claws to shimmy around the trunk of the tree to stay just out of sight from your dog as your dog annoyingly circles the trunk. Frilled neck lizards can be little shits too. But unlike the squirrel this lizard has invisibility…kind of. If they find that perfect spot, hold still, squint their eyes, they can look just like the bark of that tree. 

But we want to talk about why their eyes are so memorizing. Yes, its easy for a lizard to spot a barking dog as it chases after it. But even if the dog or whatever predator isn’t chasing after it, or maybe it hasn’t even spotted it yet, this lizard will use its eyes to watch. With its body completely still as it uses its long, thin sharp nails to cling to the creases of the tree bark, the head eyes will move. This is not like a chameleon. I feel like I need to say that as when most people think of lizard eyes, they like of the wonky independently moving eyes of the chameleon. That’s not what how the frilled neck lizards’ eyes work. And yes the frilled neck lizard has amazing eye sight but the chameleons are even better. BUT we’re not talking about chameleon! Let’s get back on topic.

What makes this lizard so beautiful are how it looks? You know how when you talk in a high-pitched voice and your dog tilts its head and your heart melts in the overly amount of cuteness? Imagine that same head tilt but on a lizard. Of course, this lizard isn’t trying to hear your squeaking voice better, no. This lizard will tilt its head to see. 

As a carnivore the frilled neck lizard is always on the look out for small invertebrates to eat. But being a reptilian version of slender man, minus the creep, they can actually become food themselves for larger animals. After all, they do say that everything in Australia wants to kill you and I’m sure that’s even more true for a long, corndog looking lizard meal. And being that this lizard is not only hunting but can be hunted they have their eyes on the side of their head so that when clinging to that bark of that tree like a baby koala to its mommy’s back, it can see any movement around it. And let me tell you this lizard is going to be watching harder then any peeping Tom neighbor you have ever had. Not to catch a glimpse of your tits but to stay alive.

Speaking of staying alive, if spotted by a predator, or really anything scary this lizard will preform its name sake. Just like any animal who is about to shit their pants, the frilled neck lizard will try to bluff them into thinking they are WAY bigger than they actually are. Making that predator have that same thought anyone who have ever come face to face with a black man’s cock and wonder: “why is that so fucking big? How the hell is that going to fit?” Resulting in a possibly painful experience for all. 

We all most likely knew, based on the name alone, that the frilled neck lizard will frill out its neck flap to appear larger. And now we know why, but how? It’s just a flap of skin after all. How do they get it up? Does it work like the male penis? No. Not at all. But it does use some of the same parts as you do when giving a blow job.

This flap of frill is located on the neck. Think of it like those men who grow out their breads but only from their chin and then connect that to their head hair with the receding hair line. That’s kind of the path of where the frill connects to the face. Then just like a closed umbrella the frill rests calmly down, overtop the shoulders of the lizards. Ultimately what you need to know is that the frill is connected to the chin. Now I want you to think about that umbrella and how when you open it, how it opens. There is a structure inside of the umbrella, that when flexed caused the umbrella to open. Now feel you neck, not too hard…unless you’re into that. I want you to feel for your larynx, that’s the pretty much your neck. As you move your hand up, towards your chin, at the top of your larynx is a “U” shaped bone called the hyoid bone. In out body the hyoid bone helps to support your tongue. For the frilled neck lizard its this hyoid bone that is the key to opening their frill.

If you look at the resting frill of this lizard you’ll see what looks to be folds. Running along a couple of these folds is bone. That same U shaped hyoid bone we have tucked away inside out throat has developed in such a way for this lizards that not only is there still that U shape to help support their tongue but like a long, thin bone spur has grown mirroring thin bones out from the hyoid that runs down the frill. And to open their frill all the lizard has to do it open their mouth. Doing so works like when you push on your umbrella and the mechanics, pushing on one another, open it.  

Fun Fact: The frill of the frilled neck lizards, is called a dewlap, and can only be opened when the mouth is open. Kind of like when I put on mascara. 

So basically a frilled neck lizards is just the animal version of an umbrella.

Scientific Names are Hard. Frilled Neck Lizard: Chlamydosaurus kingii

**Secretary bird: Before we begin I would like to describe this bird to you as it is an unusual one and unless you are familiar with occupationally fashions of the 1800s then you won’t really know who this bird is named after. 

Start with the long legs of a stork. Next give it a pair of black capri shorts to makes those chicken legs look a bit more robust. A white belly and very light grey wings with black tips. An orange fiery eye shadow atop that white porcelain face. Then let’s just stick some long feathery chopsticks into the back of its head and a couple longer ones on its ass. And that ladies and gentlemen is a secretary bird. 

If you’re sitting there, after having taken in this perfect description of this wonderful bird, and are wondering “what the hell did the secretaries of the 1800s look like?” Well, back in the day of Europe it was the males who were secretaries as women weren’t allowed to do anything but give birth. And these male secretaries wore grey tail coat and their pants, or trousers as I’m sure they were called, came to the knee. And what good is secretary is without their goose-quill pens, that must be cared behind the ear. I’m sure it was some rich white dude who was on expedition to Africa, spotted one of these birds and was like “Oh look Henry, doesn’t that peculiar looking bird look just like that peasant secretary of yours who died of the plaque last month.” “You’re quite right Rodney. That does look like that little moron. Not even death can keep him from trying to regain employment.”

The secretary bird is an odd looking bird. Even more odd is the fact that it is related to raptors. (Dinosaur noise). Not that kind of raptor but raptors like buzzards, vultures, harriers and kites.

Wait a minute, did you just say buzzards and vultures? Aren’t those the same thing? Not in Africa. In Africa what we Americans recognize as hawks they call buzzards. So does that mean, the secretary bird is from Africa? Yes…I’m pretty sure I already said that too. Would you pay attention? Sorry you stopped with the sex jokes so I lost interest. Not everything needs to be about sex, but this bird is sexy. 

Like the frilled lizard this bird too has a long sexy figure about it. Especially when it comes to their legs. When we think about raptors (again we are talking about the birds, not the dinosaurs) they don’t have long legs. Hawks and eagles we think of soaring high up in the air, vultures are known for riding the thermals as they search for death. Even owls we associate with stalking through the night sky. These birds don’t have long legs, because they mostly fly. But what birds, like our secretary bird friend, has long legs. And why?

Flamingos, cranes and herons all have those long sexy legs so to move through and stand above the water where they are mostly found. So does that mean the secretary bird lives in the water? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves as there are other log legged birds out there that you might be forgetting. Such as the ostrich, rhea and even the roadrunner. Where the flamingos, cranes and herons use their long legs to navigate their marshy habitats ostriches, rheas and roadrunners use their legs for speed. Perhaps not as fast of the birds listed the secretary bird is a runner. They can fly and in fact nest in acacia tree. 

Fun Fact: Do you remember the opening of Lion King with the sun raising up behind great big beautiful tree scape. Well that tree is an acacia tree.

So if this weird secretary man looking bird can fly, why the hell would they want to run? Well you remember lion king right? And I’m talking Pride Rock area, not during Scar’s reign. It was pretty open space. Not a thick forest, lots of open area, a few trees in the horizon and a lot of grass. Not super tall grass, but if it was in an HOA they’d definitely be fined for not keeping it trimmed. 

This bird can stand about a meter and a half tall. That’s about the size of a twelve-year-old child. Not the tallest bird in the Savanah but tall. And for all you shorter kids out there having horror flashbacks of your time in school when you would get lapped by those elevated gifted children on the playground, will know that long legs can give you speed. And we’ll we’re talking about running sports it was usually the longer legged kids who the coaches, somewhat forced to run hurdles. Those long legs just make it easier to step over. With the miles upon miles of grassy areas of Africa these birds are designed perfecting for spotting and tracking down any critter that’s trying to race through that maze of vegetation. 

And even though secretary birds are related to raptors one thing they lack is grip. Well at least to the strength of hawks and eagles that is. While most raptors kill their prey with their feet, the secretary bird has given their feet the job of running, not murdering. The murder is reserved for their beaks. And can this bird murder! Now don’t worry, secretary birds no where near the caliper of the ostrich or cassowary but if you’re a tiny little mouse, lizard, snake, really anything that crawls on the ground in African, watch out.

And these birds might not be able to kill a human but they are as shady and evil as some humans. Just like those asshole you see, while you’re sitting in traffic who take advantage of the fact that someone might be dead and follow the emergency vehicles up the shoulder of the freeway, secretary birds will use disaster to their advantage. 

If there’s a fire, they know that the fire will scare away all the critters that live in those grasses. So what does this tall, creepy ass bird do? They just wait for those little critters start running away from all the heat from those flames and flumes of the smoke and to come running right in to their murderous beaks. 

I guess in the animal word this is smart but when I’m being a good citizen, because I’m following the rules of the road and you just take you ass down the shoulder following the ambulance and so do a bunch of other ass holes then that just creates more of a back up and hassle for everyone, including the three other emergency vehicles who not can’t get by because of you! 

Anyways, secretary birds look cool as fuck and your car is a piece of shit. They earned the right to eat those critters running from that fire. As for you, you’re just making things worse. And since we’re just fucking things up anyways: Scientific names are hard. Secretary Bird: Sagittarius serpentarius

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As jealous as many of us get of those thin, long legged super models they will never be as wonderful or as beautiful as their animal counter parts. Give me a catwalk where the models outfits are inspired by secretary birds and frilled neck lizards and I might start getting more invested into fashion. For now, those I will have to simply admire these wonderful animals from a far and wish I was as elegant, cute, adorable, and sexy as them. 

If you think of any more sexy animal you want to learn about, head on over to our Instagram @wafpodcast and leave me a message. When the show comes back after our break in July I’ll be sure to highlight some of those sexy kids. As for all of you, thanks so much for sticking around and I can’t wait to see you all in July. Until then, stay weird!