51. Primates and Geese

We all know those traditional Halloween animals, but the animals such as; snakes, spiders, owls, rats, bats and wolves are not the animals you should fear. In today's special Halloween episode we take a very spooky look into two animals who you SHOULD FEAR!! Non-human primates and Geese.

Journey with us to Thailand were we recount the horrors that took place thanks to the stupid and dumb humans you would most likely find in any horror movie. Then live through the horrors of what it was like for many children who grew up on farms and ranches as you get chanced down your own driveway by a demonic goose.

Why are these two animals so terrifying you ask? Its because of us! Humans are to blame. You will see that when humans do not respect wildlife and their habitats, horror follows...

Scientific Names
Bonobo: Pan paniscus
Crab-eating Macaque: Macaca fascicularis
Domestic Swan Goose: Anser Cygnoides
Domestic Greylag Goose: Anser Anser
Canada Goose: Branta canadensis

To learn more about how you can help with conservation and research efforts then check out any or all of the links below!
https://greatapeheartproject.org/

https://gorillafund.org/

https://janegoodall.org/

https://www.duckstamp.com/ 

https://www.fws.gov/birds/get-involved/duck-stamp.php

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Transcript

Welcome to the final Halloween episode of Weird Animal Facts: Explicit. Where you are guaranteed to be terrified. If you have been looking and waiting for the episode that will scare the shit out of you then look no further then here and now! My name is Deidre and as a zookeeper of ten years I have had plenty of experiences as well as buddies who have worked with some of the most terrifying animals on the planet! And I know the animals that are racing through your mind: snakes, spiders, cockroaches, owls, rats, wolves and yes even bats! But for those of you who are “with it” and have been listening to the episodes of this podcast will know just how much stereotypes are hurting the animal world! Snakes and spiders have been murdered on sight, simply because its freaky to have too many legs, or not enough. Rats, bats and cockroaches are forced to listen to our frightful shrieks because we humans didn’t bother to think for ourselves. These so-called “traditional Halloween animals” that society has told you to fear are actually amazing animals that help to keep this world clean, healthy and yes, even beautiful. 

I thought you were supposed to scare me. 

You’re right, and placing your fears on to the animals I have listened is just bologna as those are not the animals worth your stress. If anything owls help to lower your stress by silently helping to maintain the rodent population. The two animals that should be sending a shiver up her spine and a panic in your heart are primates and geese. 

Wait a minute…I’m a primate.

Yeah! And you’re fucking scary. Have you looked at the icecaps lately? I know many of you listening at home will think that I’m just full of shit, and am taking advantage of the microphone I’ve placed in front of my mouth, but I can guarantee to you that by the end of this episode you will have two new terrifying nightmares to haunt your dreams. You think Annabelle is creepy, you think Freddy Kruger will fuck you up…oh! Just wait until you learn about the true terrifying nature that are primates and geese!

Disclaimer: All though today’s episode will include true and actual facts about the animals in question there will also be many, many of Deidre’s own personal opinions (such as primates and geese are evil). Please feel free to disagree. 

***Primates: You’re a primate. I’m a primate. Your shitty boss is a primate and your ex-love who broke your heart is too a primate. Humans are primates and if that’s not enough to scare you in to convincing that primates are terrifying then its time you open your eyes to reality. However, when I say primates are an animal you should fear, yes humans are their own special sauce dough-bagery, but today I’m not going to spend half the episode talking about why humans suck, we have the news for that, I’m going to talk about non-human primates: specifically, the ones that can fuck you up. 

We’ve all seen or at least have heard of King Kong. The giant ape that jumped into the ring to battle Godzilla and then decided they should team up together to destroyed Mechagodzilla! There’s a reason the story of King Kong is so popular; as an ape, he’s a fellow primate, like us humans which helps to make him relatable. We can see ourselves in primates. Which is an amazement in itself, but also creepy as fuck. Have you ever heard of the uncanny valley? Typically, the uncanny valley refers to the emotional response we get when looking at a robotic object or even animation that is human-like. And that emotional response is creeped out; like when you stomach starts to get all twisted while walking down a dark alley in the middle of the night and then your heart drops in to your gut at any sort of sound because you know something is wrong. This is why the old lady in IT chapter Two and everyone in Polar Express was so fucking scary. And let me ask you, when was the last time you saw a non-human primate up close? Their faces look like ours! Well, not all of them, because I would love to look like crown lemur (they are the cutest primates in the world!). Those creepy looking, human-like primates I’m talking about are chimpanzees, bonobos, gorillas and yes, even the oh so terrifying macaque. Just something about their face is human enough that it creeps me the fuck out. Plus, macaques always look like they’re up to no good. 

In central Thailand born and raised,

Begging tourist for food is where I spent most of my days,

Taking handouts, maxin’, relaxin’ all cool

We started stealing food from those stupid fools,

When Covid hit, naw, that was no good, 

As there was no more free food in our neighborhood

We started one little riot and the locals got scared, 

And said, “Let’s sterilize their balls, so they have no more heirs.” 

This is a real thing that happened in Thailand and the reason why this is so scary is because; well, let’s imagine you’re a character in a stereotypical horror film and if I’m with you I’m most likely going to die. Here’s why, people in horror films are stupid: There’s an intruder in the house and he’s cut off the power, I guess we have no other choice but to separate, you go into the pitch-black woods, where he just shot an arrow through Paul’s face and I’ll go into the dark spooky basement where earlier a cult summoned a demon by scarifying a goat. But no need for weapons or holy water, this is our only option. 

NO, its not! Don’t separate, don’t go into dark spooky areas alone and don’t feed wildlife. And I by no means am trying to dis on Thailand’s or any other countries culture and beliefs since many of these cultures’ reviver monkey. Religions such as Buddhism and Hindu both have monkey gods. People used to pilgrim to temples so to feed the monkeys and honor their beliefs, but it’s gotten out of hand. Let’s go back to Lopburi which is known as Thailand’s “Monkey City.” Tourist would come from all over the globe so to feed these wild monkey…key word here is wild. And as any Park Rangers in Yosemite will tell you, no good can come from feeding wildlife. Even in Thailand they are telling tourist to stop feeding the monkeys.

Remember that horror movie, we’re both starring in: well, here are three reasons why the relationship humans have created between them and the non-human primates will ultimately get us both killed. 

One: Like in the Blair Witch Project, you go off the marked path so to get as close as you can to the action, so that you can capture it on film. Only instead of the Blair Witch, we’re in Thailand and you creep too close to that macaque for a selfie and it bites you! Or perhaps just pulls your hair, steals your purse and yells at you like the demon it is. 

Two: You do something that is seemingly innocent, like, I don’t know, play with a Ouija board over a graveyard, say Bloody Mary three times in the bathroom mirror, toss some tarot cards around like your playing poker only to open a portal to hell, or you feed a monkey. Everyone else is doing it, it must be okay…Its not. 

Which then leads us into the third reason as to why we’ll die: Like in Carrie, when all the school gave her all the love and attention and eventually made her prom queen only to drop a bucket of pig’s blood on her head. This is pretty much the equivalent of what humans have done to the monkeys of Lopburi, Thailand. By giving them all that food and attention, they came to expect it, then Covid came and dropped that crimson, bacon liquid all over the monkey’s hopes and dreams. They weren’t getting fed anymore; they were betrayed! And because of that betrayal the locals of Lopburi don’t have to fight off just one young telekinesis teenager, but instead hundreds of very smart monkeys with high expectations making it more like a zombie apocalypse, only the zombies aren’t just hungry; they’re hurt and angry and want their revenge! 

So, you see, the reason why I’m afraid of non-human primates is because when we humans don’t use that giant brain of ours in the ways it meant to be used, we are ultimately Victor Frankenstein who is not only putting ourselves in danger but creating this monster, but we are also putting the people around us in danger as well. Because of the dependents the macaques had of the tourist feeding them, when that all went away, they rioted! And now the locals of Lopburi have to deal with it or they’ll be overrun run by these maniacal menacing macaques. 

Luckily though, not all humans are stupid. There are those out there who are more intelligent than the average person and their intelligences makes them smarter than the smartest primate. But that’s still debatable, because what is intelligences? Is it using tools, self-recognition, creating social hierarchy; all thing which primates are known to do. And if you haven’t listened to last year’s Halloween episode about why dolphins are terrifying then I should warn you that the reason for my thinking of dolphins being spooky is mostly due to their intelligences. Primates are smart. Especially the great apes. These include: orangutans, bonobos, gorillas and chimpanzees. 

Fun Fact: Bonobos’ share 98.7% of their DNA with human. Meaning: taxonomy speaking they are our closes living realities (Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species).

Because of the intelligences and closely related DNA, humans have been studying primates for generations. Some like Jane Goodall have studied them in the wild to learn about the social structures and natural behaviors while others, like the Great Ape Heart Project, work with zoos to learn about some of the harder things to study, like understanding and treating cardiac disease in great ape species.  Why does this matter? Because the only reason why we know a lot about us; such as Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, diabetes, AIDs and dozens of other diseases is because of non-human primate research that’s being done both in zoos and research centers. In addition to all that, we also know a lot more about our own birthing and development process such as better ways to prevent miscarriages, stillbirths and premature births and because of such research we have a better understanding on organ transplants too. 

And I know that many people don’t agree with non-human primates being used in medical research, as that can be a horror movie all its own, but let’s look past that for the sake of not getting into a heated discussion that won’t benefit anyone and let’s look at the primates that are currently living in these research centers and the people who care for them. And as we do, I’d like you to keep in the back of your mind the chaos that has broken out in Thailand with those monkeys because you don’t really see too much of that in these research centers, at least not at the scale they did once the streets were empty and this is because of the people who care for them. 

Side note: this is an animal career path I never want to do because primates scare the shit out of me. I am so glad that there are people out there who have this passion and have taken the time to understand these animals and how to make their lives as stress-free as possible. 

And stress-free is key here. And minimizing stress comes from respecting the primate’s social hierarchies. Even before the streets of Lopburi were empty, there was still a lot of dangers with feeding these monkeys because of the social hierarchy. Think of King Joffrey from Game of Thrones, if he didn’t get it his way he’d have a fit. And if he was challenged there was a blood. These sorts of horrifying events take place all the time within every primate group. And for the primates not in the wild, who can’t just run away it can result in a higher chance of serious injuries or even death. That’s where the care-takers come in. Think of those animal care professionals as Tywin Lannister, you know the dad of Jamie and Cersei who basically set up a perfect world so that Joffrey wouldn’t lose his shit and behead every other person. Tywin understood the big picture of running a kingdom as well as his grandson’s own personal quirks and he needed to, in order to keep the peace. With good animal care staff who fully understand not just that species’ natural behaviors but also the individual’s they can help these primates live as much as a stress-free lift as possible. And the less stress, then the less killing. It’s been shown that higher stress levels and even chronic psychological stress can lead to horror movie like behavior. If only Norman Bates’ mother had loved him more, then there wouldn’t have been so many murders. 

I wonder if there are any studies that show poor reading skills are related to being a sociopath: Scientific Names are Hard.

Bonobo: Pan paniscus

Crab-eating Macaque: Macaca fascicularis

**The morning air touches your sleepy face with a crisp tingle of chill. Your tired eyes work their way into wakens as you follow your mother’s request so to walk to the end your long, gravel drive way so to collect the morning paper for your father. But this morning is different. As you take your first step off the porch you hear a hush fall over the song birds. In your eight years of living you have only heard the song of the morning birds come to such a rapid silence for only one reason. Danger! You look back at the front door; now pulled closed behind you, as you consider going back inside empty handed. But would the ridicules from your family be worth the terrors that lay ahead? You are still young, and naively brave. Although some would say foolish. You step off of the deck and make your way towards the road to collect the paper. 

A large pickup truck wizzes by but as it passes you hear a familiar noise. But just because something is familiar doesn’t mean, its friendly. You freeze in fear as you know that hissing noise can only mean one thing. Your breath picks up its pace as you can see the newspaper less than twenty feet in front of you, but how close is that hiss?

Slowly, your eyes turn towards the sound as you’re fears prevent any more of your young body to move. You see a low white figure. You think you know what it is; but your young mind has to know for sure. After all, if you’re going to die, you might as well know for certain by whose hand did you fall to. Or should I say beak! 

Finally curiosity gets the better of you and you slowly rotate your neck, with the shaking unease of a bobble head on the dash of a Jeep Wrangler. And there; you see it. Your greatest fear and waking nightmare. Dolores. Her white feathers pressed smoothly against her long, snake like neck appear heavenly, but that is a lie. Her glowing orange dinosaur webbed feet creep towards you as her beating eyes, as black as the deep, darkest corners of hell, glare at you with nothing but hate over top her piercing orange beak, glowing like a warning as Dolores lowers her long neck towards you, dancing the deceiving innocent white feathers up her throat as is winding up for something.

Your heart starts to race as you can hear a faint hiss escape out from her pulsating throat. You glance over at the newspaper then back at the house, then back to this demonic avian predator, so to calculate your chances of making it without harm. You’ll have to make a run for it, but first the paper. You’ve made it this far. You can’t go home empty handed. 

Slowly you back away toward the road, making sure your watering up eyes keep watch on this demon as she too glares back at you. But as you take a step nearer to your newspaper treasure Dolores matches each step as if she wants to watch you step out into the busy highway to get smacked by racing a pickup truck as it drives past.

You bend at your knees and stretch your arm back. Dolores’s wings begin to lift. That could only mean one thing: she’s revving up for her attack! Your lungs quiver as you try to keep from hyperventilating. You can hear your heart beat in the back of your head. Your worried eyes glance to the house. It’s now or never.

In an instant your shaking fingers squeeze the paper as you forcefully push off your back leg and take off towards the house. In the corner of your eye you see the erratic flapping of white wings as a screaming honk echoes across the drive way. You pull your feet forward faster as you can hear the heavy flapping of those giant wings shove the air around it so to propel this demon towards you. The gravel under your slipper pulls away too fast and suddenly your line of sight is taken away from your front porch, that was only ten feet away, as you feel your body falling towards the ground. The newspaper goes flying forward as your hand barely make it to the rough gravel beneath you before you face plant against the rocks. 

(Goose honk) Your heart sinks into your stomach as you desperately let out a horrified cry for help as you frantically try to race back to your feet as you know that you only have a moment before the painful, rage filled, beak touches your young skin. But it’s too late…

Just as you find your footing and reach towards the handrail you feel the evil in the gust from her hellish wings race past your face and the stabbing pressure pressing against the back of your neck. You let out terrified scream as tears race from your eyes. You cry out for you mother, your father, anyone that could save you from this horror. 

You feel the webbed feet against your back as you frantically, with eyes too blinded by our tears to see, well up and you fight with all you have left to get back to your feet and make those last few steps towards safety. But even as your feet find their way the backs of your calves are pecked and pulled as the honking of horror continues. You bag on the front door, for help as the goose refuses to backdown. Its beak and wings stab and beat on and at you until the only thing your mind can think of is the screaming face of this feathered monstered beast! (Scream)

For many farm and ranch children around the world, this is an oh too real nightmare they were forced to live, year after year. For those children who had the luxury to have never experienced fear given to them by this avian menace, be thankful. As geese are the creation of human sin.

Geese: We made then terrifying! Alright, I do think that geese have always had some kind of stick up their ass and that’s why they have been so prone to wreaking havoc towards humans but we most certainly do not help. 

For those of you who have never encounter a goose nor have experienced the absolute terry of being chased down the drive way by a fat giant bird as it honks and hisses at you, then consider yourself lucky as geese are one of the most terrifying things on the entire planet.

Are you telling me that a fat bird is more terrifying than an orangutan with a sword? Yes, that’s exactly what I’m telling you. Because unless you fuck with that orangutan you’ll probably be just fine as, at least, the orangutan is smart enough to know that you mean him no harm, but a goose! You look at a goose in the wrong way and you better hope you’ve got your running shoes on. 

Before we get into the terrifying, and demonic ways of the goose, I think it is important that I inform our new recruits on just what a goose is so to prepare you for the day you too will have to retreat in absolute terror of this 3-foot-tall spawn of Satin that is filled with nothing but rage.

There are many geese in the world. In North America alone there are more than 7 million individuals split up among seven species…but that’s not counting the exotic or domestic geese. The most common goose is the Canada Goose, but don’t be fooled by its name as the Canada Geese are nothing like the kind, friendly, welcoming, apologetic ways of the people of Canada. Its as if all the anger and rage from the Canadian people were transferred into this species of goose. 

Fun Fact: If you listened to the Bird and Shark episode you already know that its Canada Geese not Canadian Geese, and that Canada Geese are not named after the country, but rather an ornithologist named John Canada. And I tried very hard to find more information on who this John Canada guy was, but there’s very little info out there and I can’t find the original source which makes me wonder if this is a real fact. About John Canada, not that they’re called Canada Geese, because they are.  

Geese are a monogamous species of birds that are commonly found around bodies of water, can be as tall as an eight-year-old, with a wingspan as wide as the length of a queen-sized bed and are 20lbs of pure hatred. Try not to be too scared, because these sizes are on the very larger end of geese. Most aren’t that large, but no mater the size of the goose they all still have the same amount of hate built up inside them. The smaller ones, just like your shorter friends, just have less space to store all that rage. 

Although I guess I should be honest, as this podcast is all about facts, the geese’s rage isn’t always on full alert. Their rage is at its fullest while during nesting season. And to keep you safe let’s answer the questions: What’s an ideal nesting spot for a goose? Well aside from your nightmares, its near water, with clear vison of everything all around. 

As mentioned earlier I did state that much of the geese’s rage is brought on by us humans. You know why? First, just like when someone in a horror movie destroys the home of a ghost by backing their car into their once whole tombstone, we humans have been constantly destroying wildlife habitat so to make room for whatever the fuck we want, like a cute city park. Then after taking away that land, like when you use your broom and sweep out all the spider webs from the ceiling corners in your house, only to put up your store-bought dollar store fake webbing, we humans have destroyed natural wildlife habitat so to created lots of man-made little ponds and water ways within these city parks. And just like when you use a Ouija board to talk to your dead nana only instead you’ve opened a portal to hell and now you have a demon living in your house, is just like how we humans have made these ponds within city parks so inviting for the geese to simply move in and call it a home and haunt us for the rest of our days. And haunting is just what these geese do. Especially once they have that nest. Think of nesting season for geese as a full-moon for werewolves or Day of the Dead for spooky spirits. Werewolves and spirits are always pretty scary but a full-moon and Day of the Dead are just like adrenaline shots to the already terrifying.

How do these geese haunt us you ask? Aside from attacking the innocent passerby; geese do this in one very dangerous and disgusting way: poop. You know in the Conjuring when the mom seems to be magically thrown across the room? Well, imagine if that haunting, unexplained movement was caused by slipping on goose poop. Goose poop is like the invisible demon living within the Conjuring house. Or in the Exorcist when Regan starts getting sick, what if that was caused by drinking water that had been contaminated by goose poop. 

Let’s break down some poop facts. As humans we expel about 1 pound of waste per day. And the average human male weighs about 195lbs so if you think about it we poop about 0.5% of our body weight a day. A goose, will expel about twice the amount of poop we do. Not percent wise but weight wise. 1 goose will expel 2 to 4 pounds of waste a day! And the average Canada Goose weighs about 10lbs, that means that one goose shits out 20% of their body weight a day! That’s like if I shit out over 30lbs of poop a day. Think of the pipes my toilet would need. And geese don’t use toilets they just shit wherever the fuck they want and whenever nature calls. There are some places where the geese population has grown so large that their poop has polluted the water so much that it created noxious algal bloom. And this algal is toxic to humans and wildlife. Meaning all the fish in that water die, all thing that drinks that water die. And imagine if that was where your city took their water from. That’s a lot more work your city’s water treatment plant has to go through just to make sure you don’t die when you shove your drunk mouth under that running facet when you get home in the middle of the night. That’s your tax money at work, and if the goose poop is bad enough, your taxes might even go up all in the name of keeping you and your family from dying!

In movies such as the Conjuring and the Exorcist, to be rid of these demons a professional is called in, because when you try to do that stuff on your own, you’ll just fuck it up. One; you don’t know what you’re doing and two; the thing you’re fighting against is protected. As for the demons, I’d say that Satin is protecting them but for the geese, it’s the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. Which means you can’t just kill the geese! But just like how the blood moon strengthens a witch’s power, hunting season strengthen the power of the vanquishers. Those vanquishers being hunters. 

To become a hunter in the United States, there’s quite a lot of hoops you need to jump through, just like how only ordained priest can preform an exorcist. And for those of you who are against hunting because it’s murdering an innocent animal, first, let me just say that geese are not innocent. And if you think they are, you’re only enabling their demonic power. And second, hunting in the single best way for us to control wildlife population. Not only that but hunters are the main contributors to wildlife conservation in the United States. Around $400 million dollars a year goes into wildlife conservation because of hunters. This includes, the money they pay for their permits and licensing goes to protecting the lands and animals they hunt. If there were more hunters, we would not only have more money to help save species and their habitat but also, we’d have less demonic geese polluting our waters and threatening to murder us. 

But let’s say you’re not brave enough to kill another living thing, but you like pretty images of birds and like to mail post cards, then the easiest and simplest thing you can do to help is by purchasing federal duck stamps. Because 98% of every dollar goes directly into helping acquire and protect wetland habitat! That means by simply going to the post office and purchasing these really cool stamps you too can help rid the world of this satanic demon!

And in fear of summoning more demons I will try my best to pronounce this next segment as best as I can. Scientific Names are Hard.

Domestic Swan Goose: Anser Cygnoides

Domestic Greylag Goose: Anser Anser

Canada Goose: Branta canadensis

-

As you can see, terror lurks around everywhere! But there are many things you can do to keep this horror out of your life. Don’t summon these terrifying creatures into your home. Learn from the mistakes of oh so many horror movie casualties and don’t be stupid. Don’t feed wildlife, like that idiot who brings a Ouija board to a graveyard. And don’t destroy the homes of those already there. These are simple enough rules for you and your family to be safe from the horrors of non-human primates and geese, but whether you choose to follow these rules, set forth to keep us all safe, is up to you. 

If you happen to believe that you would survive a horror movie and would like to take your intelligence to the next level then consider clicking on any of the links in the episode description. Doing so will take you to many different websites where you can help save a species, their habitats and assist with conservation efforts and research. After all some horror movie villains are only created because they weren’t given enough love so to thrive in their own peaceful world. So please, do some good this Halloween, respect the world around you. Otherwise, you might find a murderous goose lurking in the shadows of your house. Stay Weird.