Better Conversations, Better Lives: 7 Conversations That Can Change Your Life

What if the conversations that could most improve our lives aren’t the ones dominating television and social media?

In this solo episode of Diversity Conversations, Eric Ellis explores seven meaningful conversations that can strengthen our relationships, deepen our sense of purpose, and improve the quality of our lives. From building community and learning to receive help to practicing forgiveness, listening with intention, making room for joy, sharing knowledge, and telling people we care—Eric reminds us that authentic human connection matters.

Through personal stories, honest reflection, and practical insight, this episode invites us to reconsider what we talk about, how we listen, and what we are contributing to the lives of those around us.

Because better conversations don’t simply exchange information—they create stronger relationships, healthier communities, and better lives.

 Diversity Conversations, Eric Ellis, better conversations, meaningful conversations, communication, authentic connection, human connection, social connection, relationships, community, purpose, forgiveness, active listening, emotional wellness, personal growth, leadership, receiving help, joy, family relationships, healthy conversations 

 📅 New conversations every Saturday 9:30 AM EST
📩 Subscribe, share, and join us in moving diversity forward—one conversation at a time.

🌐 Watch more episodes on YouTube 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:02

Welcome to Diversity Conversations, where we engage in thought-provoking dialogue to identify leadership solutions to today's most challenging conflicts. Stream live each week, Saturday, 9 30 a.m. to 11 a.m., hosted by Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Strategists and CEOs Eric Ellis and Tommy Lewis. Join us and add your voice to this engaging diversity conversation.

SPEAKER_01 0:30

Good morning, Greater Cincinnati, Northern Kentucky, the United States, and the world. My name is Eric Ellison. I'm the president and CEO of Integrity Development Corporation. And I'm now joined this morning by my brother Tommy. He is in Atlanta, and I think he's in the airport, stuck on a delayed flight. And so I'm uh rolling solo today, uh, but I'm not solo because you are here with me. And I'm really uh looking forward to our conversation today, and I'm hopeful, community, that you will just weigh right in and join the conversation. Um, I'm going to be talking about better conversations lead to a better life. And so that's one of the things that I want to talk about is uh, you know, I really am an optimist. That's who I am. Uh, and I feel like in this season that we're living in right now, that uh God has almost challenged me that every time I want to think about all the things that are wrong uh in our in our world today, uh God will sort of transpose that into something that is positive and something that is optimistic. And so uh I'm grateful for that because I certainly can wax eloquent, as many of you can, around the things uh in the world around us that seem crazy. Uh I'll start by just talking about the week that I had. Uh, I had a wonderful week. I had a chance to travel to uh Seattle, Washington, and to attend the Billion Dollar Roundtable Summit. I'm so grateful to uh be connected to a good friend of mine, uh Tom Lake, and uh a friend as well, Sharon Patterson. Uh Tom is the new chairman of the board of the Billion Dollar Roundtable, and Sharon Patterson is one of the founders and president of that organization as well. The Billion Dollar Roundtable is uh a combination of companies uh that have come together uh because of their commitment to uh sort of invest uh a billion dollars a year in diverse suppliers uh and small businesses. And so uh I was grateful to attend uh this really inspirational uh two-day event uh in Seattle. Uh the times that we're living in, it feels like everybody has sort of run from DEI diversity, and and I just keep thinking to myself that there should be nothing that should divide us uh from the concepts of fairness and uh inclusion of people that have the talent, skills, and abilities to deliver something to us. And so I was there, we were uh spent our two days at uh Amazon's world headquarters, uh uh world headquarters, and uh it was inspiring to listen to some of the Amazon leaders talk about AI and so many of the things that we can do with AI, and so I was grateful for that. But I also met a lot of people that are really invested in, committed to uh being fair. Uh, and I think that we need that right now. And for those of us that have been uh in and around the uh diversity and inclusion and uh equity industry, uh, this has been in many ways a challenging time. I would say uh as I look at it objectively, uh some of the changes that have happened are changes that were necessary. I believe that in many ways uh a lot of people were approaching DEI in almost a performative uh manner. Uh I would also say that um that there are a lot of people that felt sort of excluded from uh DEI. I would say that there are some people that misused it. Uh I know of a couple of instances where uh, you know, a boss, a dominant culture boss would have a friend of his, a fishing buddy that worked for him, and then other people. I I knew of a couple instances where uh, you know, the boss knew that his buddy was not the best qualified for the job. Uh but uh and and and so he selected the woman, the female. Uh but then he told his buddy, his fishing buddy, that I would have selected you, but they they made me uh uh select a female candidate. So so if your buddy boss tells you that I would have chosen you, but they made me choose a woman, how might you feel about DEI? So there are a lot of people that were uh frustrated, felt like they were discriminated against and excluded because somebody told them that. And sometimes that somebody wasn't telling the truth, but just didn't have the courage to tell you that you weren't the most qualified. So I think there's some issues like that. Uh, but I would say that what we're seeing today is the rearing of the uh big head of bias and discrimination that is renewed its life. Uh, but it will not succeed. So no matter what you think, community, no matter what you see, uh, you know, unfairness is not going to win the day. Uh at the end of the day, I think that this whole, I mean, it it's it's it it had it had become in style there for a minute, uh, for everybody just to be angry. I'm angry, and I want somebody to fight for me, you know, and and you can just point me at somebody that ought to be angry at, and I'm angry at you because somebody told me how to be, you know. But the reality is, I think that that just runs out of energy, it runs out of life. And uh I am almost certain that we are going to make a pivot. What you're seeing right now for the social media uh companies is that they're being held to account for the irresponsible ways in which they hooked young people on social media in uh sort of uh ways that created habits and addictions that have affected people negatively. As a result of doing almost anything they could to keep you just your kid locked in and not being able to tear away and and really engage with other human beings. Yeah, that was cool for a minute. You could uh take advantage of people uh who could resist uh the notion of I can just hold your attention because I know a lot about psychology and and I know a lot about how to hold on to you in ways that take away your own will. And now many of those companies are, oh my God, we didn't try to do that, you know, and uh and they are losing multimillion dollar lawsuits. And so I'm gonna say to you, community, that you cannot do wrong things forever and get away with it. So I think that those that are just stoking up, and I'm now talking to mainstream media as well. We're just stoking up fear and discouragement and and bitterness against somebody else who's harming us. That's not healthy. And uh you you've got to really think. Here's what I would say: if anybody in my community is a part of the media, I'd say this to you. Find ways to be more creative. That's all. Uh utilize greater levels of creativity in order to inform people, to engage them in ways that add to their lives. I'm not suggesting that we don't need to be informed by uh about some of the craziness that's happening around us. But if that's what you're doing 24-7, you absolutely know that you are harming us as a society and me as an individual. And the reason why I know you know that, uh I think it even sickens some of the media people because they'll say out of nowhere, oh, this is a positive news story. We just want to make sure that people hear some of the positive things too. That's a rare thing that you do, but you're doing it because you know you're killing people. And so I would say that uh all of us have to take a look at what I am putting out in the world around me. Uh, and so I was grateful to, like I say, be at the billion uh dollar roundtable and make so many new friends and see some other people that I've known uh and haven't seen them for a while. And so I was grateful for that. Uh I had a chance to uh go to the flight museum there. Uh Boeing uh has his flight museum, I think. And uh, oh man, I loved looking at all the planes and everything. And uh, but by the time uh, you know, uh we were done with the tour, man, I was the only one there almost. And uh there was one other person that was going back to the hotel, and I was like, hey, can I share an Uber with you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, come on. And uh we had a wonderful opportunity to really just have an amazing conversation, not about business, not about the billion-dollar roundtable, but about our kids and our families. And uh I was just so grateful that uh I had a chance to listen to her talk about uh one of her children that had served in the military and had uh uh has experienced some trauma as a result of uh the abuse and different things that she experienced. And mom was just there pouring out her heart about how she fought for all of her daughter's uh benefits and things like that. And uh as I uh as I listened to that, uh just began to tear up on the inside. But there was something about what she was saying that was inspiring. She was saying that her and her daughter were really at it a lot of times, but she gave her daughter maximum grace because she recognized what she was battling with. And so here you are a parent. Uh, you've birthed this child, you sent them off to the military to uh stand up for our country, and uh and now you've received back someone who has been broken in some ways because of the experience. And now your child that you remember raising them in such a loving way, now they are fighting you uh because they're fighting themselves. And to hear the love of a mother that says that you're not gonna change my love for you no matter what, uh, to be in that fight, um, I can relate to that uh because I love my children the same exact way. And then she talked about her son uh being the youngest, you know, and uh the closeness that they have. And you know, uh I love all my children, but uh there's some that really just sort of respond. Uh she was, you know, saying something, you know, one that responds to her differently. And as a result of that, that makes that person easier to be around. And so I was grateful that out of all of the powerful business conversations that I had and all the things that I learned, I also had a chance to uh just have some real conversation about life with some people as well. One of the things that we did, we had to build these solar energy uh uh devices for uh students in STEM. So it's kind of like a team building exercise that we were supposed to be doing together. Oh my goodness, I've never participated in anything more frustrating than that. Uh, and and most of the people just kind of quit. I think, you know, for those of you that uh uh maybe in places where you're trying to raise uh uh donations and funds, all you have to do is uh give people an exercise like that. And then ask them in the middle of it while they're pulling their hair out uh would you like to continue trying to build that little gadget, or would you like to make a contribution to this nonprofit? I think, man, you would get everybody bailing on the activity and increasing their donations. So we had a great time uh sort of uh learning together, uh listening to some uh powerful uh experts. And so I enjoyed that. Uh also this uh last week, uh, you know, in my own situation, my nephew and I are kind of living together, so he's the only one in my house. And uh, you know, as young people do, uh, you know, he's had some challenges. Uh, you know, I re I told him, I said, I remember being your age, you know, uh when I was young, there was a period in my life where it felt like, man, trouble was just finding me all the time, just attaching itself to me. I was like, what? I can't outrun trouble at all. I'm not even looking for it. I'm at home by myself. And here trouble is chasing me. And so I understand that. But uh, you know, because of all the things that I'm going through, man, uh, you know, he had uh uh you know had a uh specific challenge uh that uh, you know, for me almost was like the last straw. And I was I was certain that, you know, I'm done, man. You know, you're gonna have to go back to mama because I'm already licking my own wounds. And uh and all of a sudden, right in the midst of my certainty that I was done, uh, God showed up and let me know that he wasn't done. And so uh, you know, so God said, Look, Eric, you're not done with him yet. And then I felt like my older brother, his dad, my nephew's dad, who's who's passed away, I felt like he was saying to me, Eric, don't give up on my son. And so here I am, uh back on the battlefield, uh fighting on my own fronts, and yet I've got to extend love uh for somebody who I didn't birth. Uh, but those are the things that God calls us to do. And so uh my topic today is better conversation, better lives. But in many ways, I think that um there was a poem that said, I'd rather see a sermon than hear one any day. And so sometimes it's not about what you say, it's really gonna be about what you do. So let's look at this because I've uh pulled together some things for uh us to think about, community, and I'd love you to weigh in uh uh on this conversation. Let me just make sure that I'm not missing any of your comments. Uh so great to see you. Absolutely. We are glad to have you all joining us uh this this morning. Uh the U.S. Surgeon General's uh review uh cites evidence from across 148 studies showing that stronger social connection is associated with about a 50% greater likelihood of survival. In other words, if you have uh a higher level of social connections, it can in fact extend your life. And so I think that that's powerful. Uh, maybe some of the conversations that could most improve our lives aren't the ones dominating the television set and social media. Maybe they're conversations about purpose, uh, responsibility, forgiveness, listening, joy, wisdom, community, and love. And uh, and so that's that's what I want to bring to you this morning is some topical areas that I think can uh add powerful value to our lives. Uh, one of the areas I think that we need to talk more about uh you know, more about is self-reliance and community reliance. Uh the question for us is can we build the village? Right now, much of our discouragement is because we're sitting around listening to our government, because that's really what dominates the uh news waves, is is real political conversations about failings that are happening. And uh for me, man, it's just it's futile, it's it's hard to believe that we even pay people for these jobs that they're doing. Uh, because all it is, it's all performative, and it doesn't feel like anybody cares about us, the common man and woman. Uh, and uh so it is exhausting uh to hear these debates all the time over things that just drive up our uh heart rate. And I would say that uh that in many ways politicians use the media because they know that they love a sensational story, so all they have to do is say something outrageous, and then politicians will act as though you needed to know this. You know, I mean the news media will be like, you needed to know this. No, we didn't. You're wasting our time because you're trying to keep our attention. Uh but the question is, what if we were to talk more about what we can do for each other, what we can do together? Uh, only 26% of Americans say they know all or most of their neighbors, the people that live on their street. Uh, and just 44% say they trust uh most of them. Now, in my neighborhood, when we built our house 33 years ago, uh there are no sidewalks on my street. And I feel like in many ways, if there are no sidewalks, that means don't come over my house for nothing. Uh don't come over my house for any sugar, eggs, bacon, nothing. And so we don't know very many of our neighbors. And I'm just now beginning to kind of see more often the neighbors that live right across the street from me. They're retired now. Uh and uh and so I don't, you know, when I grew up uh in the, you know, there are two neighborhoods that I really love the most, and that was Skyline Acres uh and uh and then Forest Park. In Skyline Acres, that's where I was in elementary school, man, and we knew that if we came home and my parents weren't there, we could just go right uh next to the uh next door to the neighbors, Mrs. Andrews. And Mrs. Andrews would take us in and just keep us until our parents came home, no matter when that was, whether that was later on that evening or the next day or the next week. We knew that we had Mrs. Andrews there who was gonna look out for us, feed us. She didn't have to be paid, called, or nothing else, you know. And so that's uh a powerful thing. Forest Park was the same way. When we moved into Forest Park, that was a neighborhood, that was a community that we knew each other. Let's see what comments you all are saying. Uh, that is where the power uh is together. I love that. Uh also, Brooke, thank you. I've started bringing the people together on my street. It's where the rubber meets the road, literally, uh, with all that I believe. I love that, Brooke. Uh, that uh it's helpful. And Brooke is the kind of person she has been a producer of this show as well, uh, and she's producing today. Uh, but she's the kind of light that really makes people feel better. And I would say to you all, community, that part of what we have to do is lean into how can we make the changes that we want to see happen together. Uh, that is the commission that God has given me, you know, when I was thinking about uh the times and all the attacks on my uh industry and business. Um, you know, I felt like God said to me, Eric, I want you to tap your network. Uh and so that's what I've been doing is really looking at the people that I know and reaching out to them and saying, hey, how can we help each other? And I have found the people that I know, some of them in a hole where they were just fighting depression all by themselves. I'm gonna say to you all, community, that we have got. Got to really reach out to one another and say, how can we make some positive things happen together? And I would say people are kind of afraid of each other. It's almost like in the world that we live in today that if you're in need, man, I mean, people have almost been trained to just run, run, somebody's in need. You know, and uh, you know, one of the things that I felt like God said to me uh three years ago, he was saying to me, he said, Eric, he said, you find it hard not only to ask for help, but to receive help. And I felt like God said that if if you're unwilling to receive help, then your giving is nothing but pride. Huh? Like, what? Uh let me say that again. If you're unwilling to receive help, then sometimes maybe your giving is nothing more than pride. You you see, it's easier to say, I'm helping other people out. I did this or I did that. Oh no, I don't want any credit, you know. Uh, but it's it is actually very difficult at times to receive help. Uh, I had a chance to talk to one of my very, very good friends, and I was telling him that uh uh I've got another good friend that uh knew you know a number of months ago uh how you know the uh political environment has affected my industry. And uh they just asked me, would uh would this financial gift be helpful to you? And it was rather significant. And I've never ever had that happen in my life. And I said, Yeah, man, I appreciate that. And they just wrote a personal checkout, and uh so I was telling my friend who I've helped on occasion, I was telling him, I said, I know that sometimes you don't really like being in a situation where you are in need of help. I said, but here's what I want you to hear from me. I said, I have received help now. And I said, I'm just grateful. I don't feel ashamed. I feel grateful that God cared enough about me that he was able to work through a person here on earth to deliver a blessing to me. Uh, community, I'm gonna say to you that um receiving help, asking for help, you don't want that to become a way of. But I would say that it also builds your character and your confidence in humanity, if on some occasions that if you're in need of help, that you can reach out and ask for it. Uh, my grandmother said to me, she said, uh, Eric, she said, if you have more than two or three uh good friends in your entire life, count yourself fortunate. And at that time, I was like, Grandma, oh, grandma, what are you talking about? I got all kinds of friends. I got thousands of friends, you know. She said, No, no, son. You got a lot of people you know, but you don't have a lot of friends. And so I can tell you that uh today I do have uh friends. I count them on one hand. Uh, so I'm not looking to everybody in the world to be my friend, but I do have a couple of really, really good friends, uh, friends that I would do anything for. Uh, and the way that you, I think, get good friends is by being a good friend. And so I want to encourage you not to be uh always afraid of others and afraid to ask people how you can help. Uh, because helping others out, I think that's a part of how we uh how we get there, how we reduce our dependence upon the circus that we are watching in Washington. The way that we get around that is by looking out for each other and coming together to make things happen together. Uh, the second thing I think that we ought to talk more about, uh, and community, I certainly want you to weigh in on this, is purpose. Purpose may literally uh be good for your health. Now, let me let me share some research. Uh, a 2026 meta-analysis covering 25 samples across the United States, Europe, and Asia found that the greater purpose in life was associated with roughly a 30% lower risk of early mortality uh before adjustment uh for other factors. Huh? In other words, if you have a greater recognition of your purpose, it reduces mortality by 30%. In other words, it's almost like uh the Bible talked about the talents and the different ones that had talents, and and and and one took their talents and they did something with it. Uh, and another uh took took the talent and buried it. And so uh, you know, uh when uh God showed back up through the prophet or whatever, uh you know, hey, what have you done? Well, God, I buried it. And so they go undig it, and here it is. What? Uh, and so uh so this is saying, don't bury your purpose. That literally, if you know and apply your purpose, it reduces uh, you know, the reality of you dying early. Isn't that crazy? That purpose, it's almost like God extends your life when you recognize your purpose because you get up each day with something to do. And so, community, I'm gonna say this to you with a sense of boldness. Uh identify what it is that God has created you to do, what is your purpose, and then lean into that. Uh, what if finding your purpose isn't just motivational language? Uh, what if it changes how you live, behave, and possibly how long you live? Uh, you know, how do you identify purpose and what keeps people from acting on it? So that's the question that I want to pose to you. How is it that you identify purpose in your own life? And then what are the things that keep you from acting upon it? Uh, I was talking to a business associate uh uh yesterday, and I was just sharing with them they're they're looking at uh we're looking for some advice on what they should do in terms of their career. They're working as an executive right now in an organization, but they're feeling like they have fulfilled uh what they were called there, hired to do, and now they're looking at what's next. And so uh I was saying to them that um they they they were thinking, you know, I want to look at another executive position, but not one that I can come in, fix the problems right away and move on, but maybe something that uh can be sustainable uh for a longer amount. Uh or I'm wondering if I should be looking at entrepreneurship. And so I was just listening to them and, you know, uh hearing their heart. And then I said, what if you were to sort of uh, you know, partner up with a firm like mine and do some things, but then also be able to start your own business at the same time. And so I was telling them stay in the job, maybe help, you know, somebody else begin to do some part-time consulting and then build your dream for the future. Uh, and they they found that uh advice helpful. Um, community, you say one of my favorite questions, and I don't know, except help women heal. So I believe I hear you saying that that's a part of what your purpose is. Man, to help women heal. Wow. Uh, and I'm just thinking about uh the the friend that I just made in Seattle, and her daughter is in need of somebody to help her heal right now. Um if you reach out to me and share your information, maybe I can also make a connection because community, I'll tell you that sometimes you, as the parent, you love your kid, but you may not be always the one who can help them heal or recover. Uh, here's someone who is saying that that is what I believe my purpose is. I mean, I love that, I love it, I love it, I love it. And uh I would want to know that there's somebody, uh, somebody on earth who have that as their purpose uh for uh you know my ex and my daughter, you know, somebody that would be there for them. Um I have stripped away a lot so that I can really tune in to my purpose. It is in the core of who I am. Uh I'm grateful to be uh in overtime right now. I feel like where I am in my career right now, it feels like everybody in my generation is going this way and I'm going the other way. And I'm like, what am I doing? Going the other way. But it almost feels like also that God is preparing me for the second half. I'm gonna say second half, uh, because I've got two new needs, number one. Uh, and uh, but I stopped eating all the crazy stuff that I was uh eating like a kid. You know, I was just eating like a kid, you know, for all my adult life, man. I was just eating all the kids' cereals. Uh, you know, I mean, I love, I'm thinking about it right now, rice krispies uh treats. I love those rice crispy treats. York mint patties, man. I just love those. I would stop at a gas station and get those and uh get a couple Cokes. And uh, and all of a sudden I went to the doctor uh five months ago and got a bad report in terms of my A1C. And I was like, I didn't realize that your A1C could go up on medicine. Like what? And so I literally just cold turkey, got sugars out of my diet. I literally, and and I've said this to a few people before, I may have even said this last week or the week before, that in many ways a lot of eating can be associated to uh sort of stress management, emotional eating. Uh men, God bless our hearts, uh rarely admit that we might be engaged in something like emotional eating. Uh, but but what I would say is that I don't ever think I even admitted that to myself. That the way I was dealing with the stresses in my life was that I was just eating. I was grazing, if you will, just throughout the day, uh, my mouth was constantly being shoving something in there that wasn't good for me. Uh, I remember three years ago, God told me, He said, You put premium gas in your car and you put less than regular in your body. I need you to change how you uh manage and care for the tempo that I've given you. And so five months ago, I shut it down. Uh my uh doctor asked me, Do you need a uh a dietitian? Uh you know, no, I don't. I said, uh, it's is my my situation has not been because of a lack of information. It's a lack of the why. So I didn't have any why should I eat differently? Uh, but when I got that report, uh, I decided it's time to change. Now, I don't really fear death. You know, uh when I'm gone, I'm gone. You know, it's like I'm not gonna be in pain, you know, I'm dead. And so, uh, but I don't want to be limping out of here. I don't want them to take a foot and then a uh a shin and then a lower leg and then the upper leg. I don't want them to be taking me away in pieces, as uh my friend Ken Wilson said. Uh so uh, but I also have introduced self-discipline into my life. And when I'm not eating, when I'm not grazing, it causes me to reckon with what were the things that I was covering with my eating. I remember uh being in high school, you know, I never drank, smoked, got high, any of that kind of thing. Ha ha ha, you know, so those are the things I don't do. What do I do? You know, uh, but but I remember being in high school parties and seeing friends of mine that would get drunk. And I would be like, oh, I'd be sad. I mean, they're laughing up at the, you know, having a party, and I'm sad because my friend is drunk and I'm wondering why. Like, why are you drunk? What's going on? You can tell me. Well, sometimes people are just drunk because they're, I guess they were having fun. And uh I always wondered what was wrong. Uh and so I would say to you now that all this eating that I was doing, I had to stop and ask myself, Eric, what's wrong? And as I started asking myself that, God started entering into the conversation and said, Eric, you can carry all those weights if you like. But if you just want to carry the weight, good for you. Have at it. Or you can turn that over to me. And so, what I would say for those of you that might not be people of faith, even that you can either carry those weights quietly and privately, or you can acknowledge them and recognize that you may or may not be able to do anything about it. And it's okay either way. I was just telling a friend of mine uh before the show that uh, you know, all of us have Goliaths in our lives. Uh, you remember the story of David and Goliath. Uh, and so Goliath was a big, huge man, and everybody was afraid of Goliath. And uh, David was able to take him down with a little stone. But I'd say to you that a lot of the challenges that we face, in many ways, they can become Goliaths in our lives. And I'm gonna say something to you, community. Don't spend all of your time staring into the eyes of those Goliaths in your life and thinking, oh my God, look how big you are. Oh my God, look how scary you are. All of you are taller than me. You know, if you're sitting around looking at all of your challenges and all of your failures and shortcomings and uh insufficient uh funds and resources for the things that you're trying to do. If you spend all of your time looking at those things, then you don't have any time left to implement solutions or to think about solutions. You see, the mind is a powerful thing. Uh and there was used to be a saying uh the mind's a powerful thing to waste. You don't want to waste, you know, your mind. And so uh I would say that if you spend too much time sweating uh the Goliaths or the challenges in your life, then you leave very little energy for solutions. Uh the book Blink says that our brain has the ability to make very quick, accurate decisions, that there is so much power inside of our brain uh that we don't access when we sit around and literally just worry about uh uh the challenges that we face. So, one of the conversations that we need to have with ourselves and with others is what is our purpose? Because as you uh get clarity about your purpose, remember this, you extend your life. Let's look at what's next. What are some other conversations that we ought to be having with ourselves and with others? Uh, the third conversation I think that is critical is the conversation about forgiveness. Uh, the words forgive me may not be the most important part of an apology. Hmm. I would say that people struggle with apologizing. I would not say to you that it comes easy to me either all the time. Uh, I think that that apologizing, I don't know, there's something about our brain that says to us, well, you don't need to apologize. Uh, you know, if you apologize, then they're gonna be holding that over your head forever. Don't you apologize, let them apologize. And so I want to say to you that one of the conversations that we need to have is about apologizing. Let me go back and just make sure I get this comment. I love it when people uh write in and say things, so I'd like to acknowledge that. I learned I was scared to be hungry because uh it leads me to a place of vulnerability that I wasn't willing to feel. Wow, I was scared to be hungry because it leads me to a place of vulnerability I wasn't willing to feel. Wow, I love that vulnerability and honesty and transparency. You're not alone. And what I would say, community, is that's why we have to really make room for each other and conversations worth having. Because as we do that, I'd suggest to you that we give each other more life. Uh, that you may look to others as somebody who's got it all together. Nobody's got it all together. Uh, we all have strengths and weaknesses, we have things that we feel good about, we have challenges that we face, and it's not always easy. See, I didn't grow up learning how to say I'm sad. I didn't I didn't grow up learning that. Um my dad would always uh tell us, you know, we can. I can accomplish things, I can do anything I need to, I can be responsible for myself. Uh there's there's no battle that I face that I can't defeat. But the reality is that there are times that I'm afraid. And I'm grateful right now that I have people in my life that to know that doesn't cause them just simply to run away from me. If if people are around you that if they know of your challenges, they're all running, then I would uh recommend that you go back to my grandmother's assertion that you may have only one or two good friends across your life. You need to have people in your life that are good friends. And what I've said to my good friends is that we're not friends if you don't call me when you are in need of help. We're not friends. Uh either I got it or I don't. Uh, but but don't rob me of the opportunity to help. Uh, and and I I like this comment here that that that sometimes the eating, because I called it emotional eating, is uh because I don't want to feel that hunger, uh, you know, because it leads me to a place of vulnerability uh that I don't want to feel. And I would say being vulnerable is also a part of being human. Um and so we we are better off if we begin to just kind of embrace part of that. Uh so as I look at forgiveness and the words may not be the most important uh part of an apology. Uh there are six components of an effective apology. Did you know that? That there are six components of an apology. I know you didn't, so I'm gonna read them off so that you are now aware that there are six elements of an effective apology. First, expression of regret. I'm sorry. So an apology includes the words, I'm sorry. An explanation of what went wrong. Briefly explain what happened without making excuses. So here's what happened. Man, I was wrong. I'm sorry. An acknowledgement, uh, when appropriate, of responsibility, taking ownership of responsibility. I was wrong and I take responsibility for that. Uh, declaration of repentance. Uh, communicate that you intend not to repeat that behavior. That's important. Apology doesn't mean anything if you don't plan to make any changes. And so you've got to make sure that you uh that you're repentant and that you say, This is something that I don't want to see happen again. Uh, an offer of repair. Uh, what can I do to make this right? So sometimes when you've blown it, uh, when you've made a mistake, uh ask people what can I do to repair this? And then a request for forgiveness. Uh, can you ever forgive me? So uh the research of an effective apology identified six components, but found that the most important was accepting responsibility, uh, followed by offering to repair the damage. Simply asking for forgiveness was the least important component of an apology. And so I think that it's important for us to uh allow our words and our conversation uh to go beyond simply saying, I'm sorry. Uh and so if I look at uh, you know, the next point that uh area that we need to be talking about is that uh listening to what people really need to tell us uh reduces loneliness. And so there are a lot of people that are experiencing loneliness because there's something that they have to say that we haven't made room for. And as I think about my nephew, in many ways, I mean, for those of you that may know me, you know that I'm a huge extrovert. And some people may feel as though that I could never be by myself uh because I love to, you know, uh talk and interact with others. Uh, but I would say to you that uh the older I get, I just love being by myself a lot of times. You know, uh, you know, I'm out in the world during the day and I'll just go home and I'll go in my room and I'll just shut the door. And I was just now thinking here in this moment that it's just me and my nephew. And I was just thinking that I need to become more intentional about making time for a conversation with him. Uh, you know, I placed some uh demands on him as a result of uh the crazy things that have been happening. One of them was, you know, you're gonna have to go to church every uh week. And so he and I went to church last week and he enjoyed it. And uh they had a uh youth uh picnic, young adults picnic after church. He asked, could we go? And so I said, Yeah, man, I took him down there. But on the drive to church and on the drive back home, we got a chance to listen to the music that I wanted to play. Uh, but we also got a chance to talk. And I could see just like uh one of those commercials, those those bounty commercials, you know, when there was a spill there and he just put bounty down like the corner of it and he sucked it all up. Uh I felt like in many ways that's what was happening even with our conversation, that there were some things that I was saying that he was just sucking those up. And so I'd say that uh one of the things that we have to do is we have to be willing to listen uh to what it is that people want to say to us. Uh research found that high-quality listening reduces people's feelings of loneliness. Uh, after they talked about experiences uh of social rejection uh and other things, uh it's helpful if you simply listen to others. So a lot of times you think to yourself, I can't help anybody. I'm struggling myself. I can't help pay your bills, I can't pay my own. Well, you don't always need money to uh rescue people from loneliness. Uh I am uh increasingly trying to make sure that I make room to listen to others. Uh I would say one of the challenges with listening is that uh if you're carrying your own weight and you don't feel like you're doing that especially well, it's like the last thing I want to do is be carrying somebody else's weight, you know. Uh but I think that as we're able to listen, uh not just give people a lot of advice, sometimes just simply listen to what they have to say. Uh, listen to understand versus listening to react or speak. Number five, what should we be talking about in our conversations with each other? Uh joy, hobbies, food, and spending time together. I think all those things ought to be things that we're talking about. Uh, fun isn't frivolous. A study of 1,399 people, ages 19 to 89, found that people who engaged more frequently in enjoyable leisure activities had greater life satisfaction and positive emotion, less depression, uh, and were also associated with lower blood pressure. Uh, I mean, come on now. There are health benefits to spending more time laughing, hanging out, doing fun activities with others? Absolutely. Uh, the study was uh observational. Uh, and and so I would say that it extends the quality of your life to spend more time uh playing golf in my instance uh with friends and just laughing and sitting around. Uh I I was out on the golf course. I think I told you all this week, uh a couple weeks ago. Man, I was out on the golf course, and nothing had changed some of the stressors that were in my life, uh, but I I felt so good because I was grateful to just be out there on a sunny day uh with the green grass and all the beautiful trees. And I was out there with two friends of mine, and I had my music blast, and I was just feeling like my life was being extended. The quality of my life was being improved simply by not playing good golf, but simply just being out there with friends. Uh, and and golf was the thing that we were out there for, but that wasn't the most important part at that moment. The most important part was recognizing how blessed I am simply to be alive and with good people who kind of like each other. So I'm gonna say joy, hobbies, food, spending time together. All of those things can uh extend the quality of your life. Number six, I think that one of the things that we ought to be talking more about is sharing our knowledge. Uh, your family may be more important uh school than you realize than you realize. Uh your family may be uh a more important education, they may be more important educators than formal school. A lot of kids may uh say, yeah, I can go for that. I don't want to go to school. So I would say lean into that. I grew up in a family of debaters. Uh that's what my father raised us to do is to debate each other on any topic, man. We just were debaters. And I have over the years become exhausted at the notion of debate. And so uh, you know, I was talking to one brother about AI yesterday, and he was telling me that the other is working on building models. And I was telling him, hey, they told us at the conference that you can you don't even need to know how to code anymore. The whole world has opened up to those of us who are not coders. And so he he was debating me on that a little bit. And uh, and uh my other brother, who's the one who's really leaned in and got some expertise, uh, sort of called me. And I saw who it was from and I didn't pick up. I was like, uh, okay, uh, this is probably gonna be uh you know part two of the debate. Uh all of that is kind of stereotyping, it's uh in some ways prejudging, uh, not allowing people to speak for themselves. Uh and as I thought about it just uh uh 30 seconds longer, I realized that my brother is brilliant. Uh and uh that uh I know that when I talk to him, that he's gonna have information and insight that can benefit me. And there may be even something that we can do together based upon that. But uh I can't wait to call him today because sometimes, community, I would say to you that you have to change the story, uh, especially in families. In families, uh we grew up with each other, and everybody uh to some extent uh has a story. And I remember uh, you know, my brothers, my younger brothers telling me, I don't think that you've changed the tape uh, you know, in your memory banks about who I am. I have evolved from the person I was when we were all grown up in the same household. And I'd appreciate you giving me uh the space, the room, the opportunity to introduce the new person that I am today. And so I've apologized for that. Uh and I'll apologize again here, even right now, that that's something that we all have to watch our habits of not allowing people to graduate from who they used to be. And so I'm looking forward to uh celebrating him, calling him up and saying, Look, I want to tell you how impressed I am, how proud I am of who you are as a thinker, as a researcher. And I'd love to take advantage of all the knowledge that you have around AI and AI models and things like that. And so I'm so grateful that I got somebody in my family that is really, really uh good at that. And I had seven points today. And so the last one that I want to close out on is telling people that we care. Don't make an assumption that people know that. Uh, I don't think I grew up in a household where my dad was saying or my mom was saying on a regular basis that they loved me. I knew they loved me, but they never really said it a lot. And so right now, I think it's important for us to tell people that we care about them. And I want to say to my friends connected to Diversity Conversation, Tommy, I care about you and I love you. Uh, Lydia, I care about you and I love you. Brooke, I'm so glad we got a chance to catch up today. I care about you and I love you, and I'm so proud of who you are in the world. I'd say to my family, Judy, I love you, you know, uh, to my kids, my adult children. You know, I love each and every one of you, and I care about you with everything inside of me. Uh, community, I wanted kids when I was a kid. And I'm so grateful that I have four children. My oldest is Jillian. I'm so proud of her and what she's doing in corporate America, working for Coca-Cola. She's about to uh move to Atlanta, and uh I didn't even get a chance to get to Chicago and see her place, but I'm uh definitely going to get to Atlanta. Uh I love her. I'm proud of her. She was my first basketball player, my first golfer. And uh she is an angel from heaven, and I pray that she will find uh the right husband who can value uh who God has made her. Uh I love my son Eric. You know, Eric is back in LA. Uh, he is uh entrepreneurial in many ways. He's got words from heaven. He's uh gifted all my kids, all four of my gifted communicators. I love him. I'm very proud of him. I love his leadership within the family and the way that he's even challenged me and put up a little mirror to remind me of who I am in order to make better decisions. Uh, I love Evan and I love that he is my introvert, but my greatest performer uh musically. And he, I was just thinking about him and George, because they both are academically just brilliant. Just, you know, he told me uh, you know, a couple of weeks ago that uh he had some feedback for me around my social media and all the AI stuff that I was doing. He was saying, like, look, the whole world is looking for the authentic, that's what you have the most of. So don't trade in your authenticity for AI and the artificial. And so I'm grateful. And I shed a tear over there. He's like, daddy, don't start crying. But when you see that the children that you've raised can now turn around and be your teacher, that's a that's a beautiful moment. And then Ethan is my youngest, and he is all of them are musically tremendously gifted, but he's uh my musical genius. Uh Ethan is 6'5. I know I would have uh all his life almost wanted him to be my star basketball player. Let's get find him gonna get to the NBA. But he is an amazing artist. You can put him in a studio with nothing, and he can make the beat, he can write the song, he can write the lyrics, he can sing the lead, he can prepare complex backgrounds, he can engineer the project, produce it, and make something that Stevie Wonder, Chris Brown, Drake uh would all wanted. And so uh he too is a brilliant communicator. All four of my kids are communicators. I love them uh very much. And community, I love you and I appreciate you joining us at this uh podcast. And I look forward to you joining me again next week for another installment of Diversity Conversations. Take care.