This is by far the most terrifying story I will ever tell. I’ve been so terrified to tell it, in fact, that I put off starting this podcast for well over a year because I knew in my gut this story had to be the first main episode of this podcast. Why? Because without this story, Work Life Glue wouldn’t be here (and maybe I wouldn’t be either). This is the story of how my horrific bout of Postpartum Depression after my first daughter was born led me to the life of my dreams, and in turn I believe saved my life from becoming a massive trainwreck, or at the very least, a life of complacency. I am sharing this to spread awareness about Postpartum Depression, to “own my ick” so that it doesn’t own me anymore, to show others what you can turn negative experiences into with lots of reframing, and to show how Work Life Glue came to be and why I’m so passionate about serving working moms.
Show Notes: http://www.worklifeglue.com/podcast/depression/
Today, I am sharing the ugliest part of my life and hitting rock bottom. I am terrified to record this episode, but it's something I've been waiting a year and a half, and I've had it on my heart to share in hopes that it can help people in hopes that it can bring awareness to postpartum depression and suicidal thoughts. And in hopes that maybe somebody can get something out of this message, whether it be inspiration, advice, feeling of not being alone or at the very least , um, I guess an entertaining story, albeit a sad but redemptive story. So let's just get started before I chicken out glue. It's messy, it's sticky. It gets everywhere, but it's also really useful just like the glue that we need to put together. The pieces of our life. As busy working moms, we have afterschool activities. We have homework, we have cleaning, we have laundry. And you know, we want to spend time with our kids as well in the process. And maybe even have some time for ourself . This podcast is for the busy moms out there who are balancing work life and everything in between. And we all know that in-between encompasses a lot of things. If you're a mom who wants to do the best in all areas of life, but still have time for yourself, this podcast is for you. I love to interview other moms and find out what works for them. Get ideas from them, get inspired by them and learn, you know, we're all in this together. But I also like to share my own tips, tricks, struggles, triumphs, and share it all with you. So grab a load of laundry, lock yourself in the bathroom, go for a walk, do whatever you gotta do. But I am just so glad you're here. Hey guys, Sarah here. Back for episode two of the work-life glue podcast. I am a mom to three little girls under age six. One is a newborn. One is three and one is five and a half. And just started kindergarten. I'm a wife to a busy chef with a crazy schedule. And I am a super passionate teacher. Turned nanny, turned daycare provider turned online entrepreneur who just is super passionate about helping other moms create balance that sticks and to go after their dreams and live their dream life right now. Even if it doesn't look like the absolute perfect dream life, they wish they would have one day there's ways to live your dream right now. And that is actually what this story is all about. And one of the main reasons why I'm sharing this. So before I jump in , um, if, you know, normally this podcast will be very family friendly in that, you know, you can listen to it around kids and it won't be a big deal, but I would highly caution you to listen around children for this episode, because I am going to be talking about postpartum depression. I am going to be talking about suicidal thoughts , um, and just, you know, some of the icky parts of life that a lot of us have experienced some, you know, to some degree. And so it's probably not the best thing to listen to with little kids. Um, so maybe listen to this another time or pop headphones in. But I do think this story is worth sharing because , um, well obviously because I'm sharing it at the very beginning of this podcast, if I didn't think it was worth sharing, I definitely wouldn't have made it my first like actual episode where I'm talking about something of substance, but it's something that's been on my heart to share for so long just to rewind. I actually, you know, my husband and I went through infertility and we shared that story as we were going through it six, seven years ago now , um, we dealt with male factor infertility and I've shared about it back then. And when we were in the heart of it, and then I've continued to share about it. And I've just received so many messages over the years of people who have felt like they finally had hope, people who have gotten ideas, people who have gotten pregnant using some of our advice and so much good came from that story. So I knew after going through and being on the other side of my postpartum depression story, that I wanted to do the same thing and, you know, just to ruin the story of our infertility, somehow we magically got pregnant, we don't really know. And I will link to some videos about that in the show notes of this video at work-life glue.com/podcast , but a lot of good came out of the story. I'm about to tell you today, too, but the main reasons why I'm sharing this, it's not for a pity party. If I wanted a pity party, I would have been sharing this years ago. Um , I hate when people pity me, so please do not pity me. I have a lot of good that came out of this story, but one of the main reasons I'm sharing this is to bring awareness to postpartum depression. I know a lot of people know about it, but not a lot of people share their actual story. I've alluded to it. I've shared that I've had it I've shared that it was a horrific case, but I've never actually talked about the details and what that horrific NIS actually look like in my life. And so I want to share what it actually was like for me. Um, and I also want to share this because I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something anymore. I felt so much shame about this story for so long, especially when I was a childcare provider. I was so worried if people knew this story that they wouldn't want me to watch their kids anymore, because I had been, you know, experiencing, I don't know if I'd call it suicidal thoughts, but I was very close to having suicidal thoughts. I don't know. I don't know what the definition of that is, but we'll get to that. And I was just so filled with shame that I had gone through this and I just want to own it. And I want to prove to others, you can own your itch . You can own the yucky stuff in your life. And you know, you can bring it out before people are able to judge you. If you own it, there's no room for judgment. They can take their judgment somewhere else. I'm owning it. I know this is what I've been through and you'll help more people than you will ever receive negative feedback. So I'm just going to own it. And I don't want to feel shame or fear about this anymore. I also want to share this because this is where I get emotional. I want to share how God took this part of my life and created so much beauty out of it more than I think I'll ever really know. And I think there's still so much beauty and good to come from this story, but this is the real crux of why I'm sharing this story because there is such a redemptive quality to it. And I'm still living out, you know, the legacy of the story. I guess you could say all the ramifications that came from it, all the consequences in a good way , um, that never would have happened. Had I not hit rock bottom? I also want to share this because this is why I'm so passionate about moms being more than moms being more than housewife's being more than, you know, Sarah's mom or Julie's mom or Sophia's mom. You're more than that. Yes. That's a huge, amazing thing, but you're so much more than that. And you can do so much more with your life if you feel called to do so. And I think we can live our dream lives now and enjoy each day. And I never would have believed that or been so passionate about it or want it to spread this message so badly had I not hit rock bottom? And then lastly, I want to share this message though , so that, you know, maybe there's somebody out there listening who feels really alone. Maybe they went through postpartum depression or they went through something else and they just feel so alone. Like nobody understands. Um, I also want to share this so that other people understand what postpartum depression can be like, because it, although we talk about it a lot, there's still so much that people hide about it or don't want to admit, or, you know, have trouble talking about it's taken me so many years to even come to the point of talking about this because it's so hard. It's so painful to go back. It's hard enough to think about, but to actually put into words is really hard, but you know, it's worth it, hopefully. And then I also want to share this to show, you know, we can take those dark times in our lives and we can use them as a catalyst for change for good, for amazing things to come. You know, I hope a lot of us don't have to hit rock bottom for this to happen, but sometimes we do and maybe we can go back and reframe what happened to us and use that as momentum, use that as motivation and inspiration to change. That's what I did. And that's what I really hope you get out of this story. So why am I sharing this as the very first like main, real podcast episode? That's a good question. Cause I feel like it could scare some of you off, but you know , that's okay. I just have felt ever since it was laid on my heart to start a podcast, which I truly feel is just so aligned with my purpose. I can feel it in every cell of my body. I have felt that I need to share this story first. And that is why I put off starting this podcast for so long, because I've been so terrified to tell the story. What if I tell it wrong? What if it's a boring way of telling it? What if people don't understand or, you know, there's so many fears when you're sharing something that's so profound in your life. Um, and that has a lot of misunderstandings about it, or a lot of judgment about it or disbelief about it. That can be really scary, but it's, now's the time I had the courage. I listened to another podcast episode of somebody else talking about sharing your story. And I'm like, okay, today's the day I prayed before this episode and thought, please let my little ones sleep through this so I can get it all out in one take. And just please let this message be received by whoever needs to hear it. So this whole podcast is how work-life glue even began. So let's back up and talk about my postpartum depression story. So like I said , um, this was back in 2014, we had been struggling with infertility for a long time. And , um, we basically were told we had 0% morphology, meaning all the sperm where ms. Shaping , we didn't know what was causing it. Everything looked healthy on my husband, but we just knew the chances of us getting pregnant on our own were very slim. And we probably would have to do IVF with ECC , which is the most expensive type of IVF. And we didn't have the money and we didn't know if it would work. So that led me into basically giving a three month last ditch effort of doing whatever we could to try to get pregnant on our own, cutting out like everything in our life, all the chemicals, all the products, all the food, additives, everything, and, you know, really trying and visualizing and doing all these things. And we actually were pregnant when we started doing this process, but we didn't know it. So we ended up getting pregnant with our first daughter, Celia. Her name means heaven. Her middle name Ray means grace and Scottish. She's truly a gift from God. I probably am going to cry of your times in this episode. So I don't apologize. I was going to say I apologize, but I don't because you know, if I can't cry about the miracle of my children, what can I cry about? It's beautiful. She was a total gift and we had been sharing our infertility story at that point , um , in a blog and with people around us. And I think it brought a lot of hope to people. It was so exciting and we were on cloud nine. Well, during that time we were living a few hours away from family. We had just renovated a little ranch and things were good. I was nannying. I had already been a teacher. I hated that. I cried every day. I just, it was not meant for me. I taught middle school English and kudos to all your teachers out there. It just, it just didn't feel right to me. And so I ended up nannying and I loved that. And I was, you know, they knew we were trying to get pregnant and I would be able to take the baby. And it was perfect. My husband was a chef and he ended up , um , having a boss. He didn't really like, and his sous chef at the time or kitchen manager had moved to where we grew up and are in that area. And he ended up taking a job there. And then a few months later, a few months into our pregnancy, he called my husband and said, you know, I'm actually going to leave this job that I move for. Would you be interested in applying? And so we prayed about it and we talked about it a lot and it seemed crazy to try to move and sell a house while pregnant and, you know, move jobs and everything. But it also seemed like the perfect time because we had a baby on the way and we could be close to all of our family. So he ended up getting the job. And in September of 2014, we moved closer to family. We actually moved in with my parents for it, ended up being six months , um, has not at all how long we wanted to stay, but it was just a long journey. And I'm sharing all this because it's really what led up to the postpartum depression. So during this time , um, a lot of things happen, our house, we had to renovate it further to make money off of it. We had to finish the basement. So my parents and my husband and I were trying to do that in our off time, which was really, really stressful. Um, the amount we sold our house for was way less than we had been anticipating, which was really stressful because I had been hoping to use some of that money for a maternity leave. And I ended up nannying in the new town we were at , um, which at least, you know, I had some income coming in, which was good during that time. Um, my husband lost his grandma and I lost my grandpa. They both passed away while I was pregnant. And I also had a really bad falling out with who I thought was one of my best friends. And it was really devastating and not going to get into it, but it , it just felt like heartbreak after heartbreak, after heartbreak, money was tighter than we thought living with my parents while I love them was really stressful. And just, we didn't know when our house was going to sell. We didn't put it on the market till Thanksgiving and nobody was biting. And we were just wondering like, are we ever gonna sell this house? So it was a lot of stress and I just kept clinging to the fact that one day, you know, in February of 2015, I would be having this baby. And then everything would just be fine. Everything would be perfect and I'd get to hold my little baby girl. And it would all be working out. And I put a lot of time and effort and thought and everything, every part of my being into having a natural birth, that is what I thought was going to make me happy. That is what I wanted. We did the Bradley method classes. We did whatever we could to get me that natural birth. I was doing pelvic rocks every day and doing a special diet and, you know, kennels up the wazoo, just like everything I could to have this natural birth. I laminated my birth plan. I still have friends who make fun of me for that. And I just was so gung-ho that I was going to have this beautiful, natural birth. I was going to get this beautiful baby. And then all my problems were going to go away. I'm sure you can tell that I'm, you know, building up to that, not happening. So then we ended up finally getting a couple offers on our house for way lower than we thought, but we were just over the moon to get rid of the house and to be able to buy something new. So then as we're waiting to have the baby, we keep waiting and waiting and 40 weeks roll by and 41 weeks by, and the hospital I was at would only let me go to 41 weeks, three days. And I was like, I do not want to be induced because if I'm induced, I'm not having that natural birth I wanted. So I was, I went in and got a acupressure massage on my ankles to try to start labor and it started something. But then I had an appointment right after for one of my 41 week appointment and the baby was all crazy active. So I ended up getting admitted and we were inducing that day. So that was frustrating, but I was like, you know what? I can still do it. I'll still have this natural birth, but I didn't , and I'm not going to go into the whole birth story, but basically, you know, got on my Potosi . And then they broke my water. Then the pain was horrific. So I asked for the epidural and , um, I couldn't push her out. So it took three hours in a vacuum extraction. And just a lot of disappointment on my end, not at all how I wanted it to go. I was so disappointed. And I remember after they brought us to the postpartum, like recovery room after we moved rooms, my husband fell asleep and on TV, I'm trying to stay up, you know, cause the baby was awake and I , I , you know, somebody's got to stay up with her on TV was 21 kids in counting or 19 kids or whatever the Duggars and they, no lie had an episode where the girls in the family were being like doulas for all these natural births . And I just sat there and cried and I felt so alone. I felt like such a failure. I felt like the one thing I thought I could do went out the window and now I'm here with this baby and it's not as beautiful as I thought and breastfeeding is killing me and I don't know what I'm going to do. And that was just the start of moving really quickly towards rock bottom. I just, this one thing that I had clung to that I said was gonna be this thing that I thought I couldn't control. I couldn't control. And it didn't happen how I wanted to. And I was left with a really nasty episiotomy that healed all wrong and took 16 weeks of appointments to heal and was so painful and breastfeeding. That was so much harder than I thought. I just felt like a failure on all ends. And so we brought the baby home to my parents' house. We moved to our new house five weeks later, but money was so much tighter than we had realized when he took that job. And I took this nanny job. So I knew I would be going back to nannying , but I just tried to not look at our budget and just pretend everything was going to all work out. And meanwhile, I was just in this horrible Headspace , I just felt so sad all the time, but I was just thinking, you know, it's because of the birth it's because of the house. It's because we lost our grandparents. It's because I had the falling out with my friend. Like it's just because of these reasons. It's not, you know, no big deal like it's baby blues, no big deal. Well, after we had moved into our new house, you know, I didn't have anybody around me and my husband was working crazy hours. Like I never saw him I'm with this baby I'm alone, you know? And it was just such, I think back to that time and compare it to the time after my other two babies were born. And it's just such a dark, sad time. And it breaks my heart because I absolutely love our first daughter and I don't ever want her to hear this story and think she wasn't amazing or fulfilling because she was, but I had something wrong with my brain. And so , um, right before the end of my maternity leave, before I went back to nannying, this little girl, I looked at the budget and I realized it's not adding up. Like we barely have enough money for groceries. Like we can't make it on this income. And because I also hormonally, you know, in my brain was not right. Although I didn't know it at the time I spiraled out of control. I could not, you know, hide this fact in my mind anymore. And I became obsessed. I became obsessed with money and what are we going to do? And I started applying to every job I could find, even though I didn't want to be away from my baby. I was freaking out. And I, I just truly believed nothing good would ever happen in my life. Again, we would never have money to live. I was going to fail my daughter. I was going to fail my husband. We can never have more kids. We can never do anything. We're going to have to go bankrupt. Like looking back at it. Now none of these things happened, you know, we figured it out. But at the time I believe that my brain was being logical. You know, most of our life, we can trust that our brain is making sense, but when your brain is not healthy and it's telling you lies, you believe them because you've have no reason not to believe them. So , um, I got to a point where I was terrified to be alone because when I was alone, I became so sad and I couldn't stop the racing thoughts and the calculating of numbers. And what if I got this job and did this, what would we make and how much would daycare be in blah, blah, blah. I could not sleep. I was up all night crunching numbers. So my mom ended up coming to stay with me as many days as she could, when she didn't work, she'd come be with me so that I was not alone because I was terrified of being alone. Also during this time I no longer could eat. I would sit down to eat and I literally could not eat. And I was still nursing because that was the one thing I figured out using. Thank God, a nipple shield. I was able to breastfeed my baby and there was nothing gonna stop me from that. If I would all the way to 45 pounds, like I didn't care in my mind. That was the one thing I was doing well. And I wasn't going to let it stop me, even though I wasn't eating. I'm so grateful that my supply didn't tank, but I lost weight so quickly. And I look back on the pictures of me during that time and I think, wow, I look so good. And then I remember why I lost the weight because I literally was not eating. I could not bring myself to eat. And I think, you know , that's a major sign that something is wrong with a person when they can't eat. So it was just a really, really hard time. Um, I remember my parents, you know, to help get my mind off of this. My mom would help us do a little projects around the house and very sweetly. She would pay for it. So she bought some paint so we could paint the house. So I would have something to work on. We put up picture frames in our living room. We painted the ceiling and our dining room. And I remember walking through Menards sobbing, like I was sobbing through Menards, looking around thinking I'll never be able to afford anything here. I won't even be able to afford screws. I won't be able to afford, you know, if something breaks in our house, I won't be able to afford it. And I remember just sobbing and I would look at my baby and think, Oh my God, I'm a failure. Like, why did I have this baby? I'm a horrible mom. Like, she deserves so much more than me. And just feeling like such so worthless. And like, I had tried so hard to get pregnant only to be like a worthless mother. And she deserves so much more and I would just cry all the time. Just thinking, what can I do? Like, I don't want her to experience life with a horrible mother, not having anything. What could I do? And I remember so often thinking like, you know, what if I just crashed into that, that pole on the side of the road, or, you know, what, if we just one and two , the garage and turned on the car and should I take the baby with me? Should I not? Like, do I want her to experience losing her mom? I'm sharing all this. And I'm terrified of sharing this because , um, sharing that you've ever thought about taking your own life or taking your child's life, nobody talks about that. But if I don't talk about that, then I'm lying about my story ever actually sit and plan this. No, I was never actually suicidal. But the fact that I was even contemplating, like what, what would happen if I did that was insanely scary. And it was just all consuming all the time. Just feeling worthless, feeling like, what am I doing? Why did I have this baby? I shouldn't have done that. Like she deserves more than me. Um, it was all consuming and I wish I could actually like put you guys in the head space to really fully feel the magnitude of it. But I can't, the best I can do is tell the story of it. And it was, it was horrific is the only way to describe it. Just every day when I finally did fall asleep and I woke up thinking, Oh God, I gotta do this all again. Like, I don't want to do this anymore. This is awful. This is horrible. And my mom was urging me to go to the doctor. But in my mind, I was just like, I'm fine, mom. This is just my punishment for being such a horrible person, you know, for messing up my finances. Like this is my punishment. I don't need to go to the doctor. Thank God she convinced me to. And my husband convinced me to and I had a few friends I had reached out to that were very supportive. Thank you, God. Like I wouldn't, I may not be here. You know? So I went to the doctor and once again, I had a really horrible experience. Um, I share this because this is not how it should be. So many people talk about postpartum depression. And so many people say reach out. But when you finally reach out, sometimes you have a really bad experience that makes you wish you never reached out. So my husband went with me to go to the doctor. And at this point I think I was four months postpartum. And because I had, I wasn't in the three month timeframe after my birth, they basically didn't know what to do with me. I wasn't really considered postpartum anymore. So should I go to the psychiatrist? They didn't know, but they said, okay, we'll see you in the OB department. And so I made an appointment and I went in expecting to, you know , go through what I was feeling. Talk about options, talk about side effects and come up with a solution with the doctor that we would monitor. Well, this man who claims to be a doctor walked in and belittled me. He said, Oh, I hear you're having a hard time. You know, like talking to me like I'm a child. And basically was like, okay, we're going to put you on this antidepressant , see you later and walked out. Like it was probably a three minute appointment. He didn't ask me what I was experiencing. He didn't ask me if I was having thoughts of suicide. He didn't ask me anything. He didn't talk about the different antidepressants. He didn't talk about the risks. He didn't ask if I was breastfeeding. So he left the room and I literally just started bawling . Like what , what, you know, like that's not what I came here for. I wanted, I wanted to feel good in my decision and to come up with a decision with the doctor, not have a doctor throw a decision at me and then leave. So we actually reported him and , um, found out he often had really bad bedside manner and just did not have good rapport with people, obviously. So I got on the antidepressant cause they didn't want to go back and be talked to like that again. And then I couldn't sleep even worse. So seeing would have to like take the baby and try to get to sleep and try to give her a bottle. Even though she wasn't taking a bottle because I was so depressed. Like we weren't really working on a bottle cause I was just trying to stay alive and stay focused on getting better. And you know, if you know anything about antidepressants , they sometimes can take, you know, about six weeks to really fully work. So I remember just Googling, Oh my God, how long is this going to actually take to work? I can't wait six weeks. Like I just can't wait. And then with the no sleep on top of it, my side, like my symptoms were getting even worse. And I, you know, when you're not getting sleep, plus you're mentally unstable in a lot of ways or mentally ill. It's not a good combination. So I ended up calling back and telling them, you know, I can't sleep. I need something. Do I need a different antidepressant ? Like what do I need to do? And the nurse was like, well, I think you can take Unisom, but I'm not really sure. And was like, well, maybe you should come in for that. So I came in for that. And the doctor that I met with, then didn't understand why I was there and asked me why I was there. And I said, I don't know why I'm here. And I just started crying because I was sleep deprived. I had been treated horribly by this doctor. I was on an antidepressant. I didn't know if it was safe for my baby. I couldn't sleep. And I didn't know what to take. That would be safe for my baby. So I just started bawling and like spilling it all out. I don't know. She just, I feel like didn't fully understand what I was trying to tell her like that I was scared. I was going to become suicidal that I wasn't actually suicidal right then, but I was just terrified of these thoughts of all these feelings and I just, I need sleep and I need help. So I think I ended up taking Unisom and it was fine. Um , and she helped me kind of calm my nerves about everything. And then finally I was able to sleep. Um, and I slowly, slowly started to kind of come out of this. So after all of this , um, just rig them a roll of everything and just the worst, like six months of my life, although I had the greatest gift I had ever been given, I finally started to feel healthy again. And that is when I started to look toward making a daycare, which I have talked a lot about on YouTube. And I think the daycare was such a saving grace for me. I was able to stay home with my daughter. I was able to run our household. My daughter was able to see her. My husband went, you know , during his crazy hours, we were able to make a decent income and none of the bad stuff I thought was going to happen ever happened. Um, but I was just not in the right head space to even be able to see clearly I just thought everything was hopeless. And that's, you know, the whole sign of depression is hopelessness and thinking life will never get better. And I was just like a walking epitome of that.Speaker 2:
Once I started to heal, this is where the redemptive part comes. I was so terrified of ever feeling, even near that level of rock bottom or that level of depression that I promised to myself, I would do whatever it takes to never feel that way again, to never feel hopeless, to never not have money to pay for stuff to never feel like I'm a horrible mother to feel like I shouldn't have had children. If I can't provide for them, I would do whatever it takes to get to a better place in life. And not only will I do that, but I will help other moms do the same. So that is where this dream came from. I went through rock bottom. I went through hell on earth thinking, you know, horrible thoughts and thinking, I was just a piece of trash floating in the breeze. You know, like my life was worth nothing to feeling like, okay, I now have a purpose. And I look back on that time now, years later and seeing how my life has played out. And I'm so immensely grateful for that time. Do I ever want to live through it again? Absolutely not. Do I ever want anybody else to live through it? No. Which is part of why I'm telling this story, but I'm so grateful for that time because it was the catalyst for change in my life. And during that time I read books like the miracle morning and I read the life changing book called the slight edge by Jeff Olson that I talk about all the time on my channel. And on Instagram, it changed my life because that book taught me. It just takes little tiny things that you do each day to change your life. Reading 10 minutes of a book, like a personal development book every day, exercising for 10 minutes, eating a healthy breakfast journaling. You know, it's these little tiny things that change our life. And during my depression, I just kept thinking, I gotta make this giant change and then it will be better. Or before that I have to have this baby. And then my life will be better. I have to have this natural birth. No, it's not about these big giant things in our life. It's about the tiny, teeny tiny details. But when you add them up over time, they compound. So when you add up reading that personal development book, 10 pages of it every day in a few years, you have so much knowledge and you're a changed person. You won't even recognize yourself. You know, we all know 20 minutes of exercise every day over a year, you could lose hundreds of pounds. Like it's incredible, but it seems too good to be true, but I'm here to tell you it is not too good to be true. That is exactly what I did with my life. I started living those principles because I'm like, it's either this or I go back to where I came from. Thank God for antidepressants , for people who really need them, but I didn't want to be on them forever. I wanted to get off of them, but I knew I had to change. I had to change our finances. I had to start budgeting. I had to follow Dave Ramsey. I had to really look at my life and analyze where I wanted to go. I had to learn to ask for help, which is really hard as type a perfectionist. Who's a stubborn redhead. Like I don't like asking for help. I had to work really hard on my mental state. I had to change my habits. I had to change my routines. And I had to really look at where do I want my life to go. I lived a few months of seeing where I didn't want my life to go and what life I didn't want for my child, a mom that can't even get out of bed and can't sleep and is worthless to her. What do I want the legacy to be for my kids? What kind of mom do I want to be? And how can I kind of reverse engineer my life to make that happen? That is what came from my depression. And it's something I'm so incredibly grateful for. And it's exactly what work-life flu is all about. I became so passionate about living the life of my dreams right now, creating balance that sticks in my life so that I'm never, you know, living weeks and weeks where I'm, you know , not in some kind of balance I don't ever want to be tipped to one side in my life where all of a sudden I'm sliding toward rock bottom. Again, I never want that. So how can I create balance? How can I make all these pieces fit? How can I, you know, start this online platform that reaches out to other moms and says, you are so much more than a mom. You are beautiful. You have so much to give this world. And I bet you can find time in your day to work on yourself, to do those things. You love to make a difference in this world to live your purpose. And I truly feel that, you know, I don't know if God caused my postpartum depression, but he certainly, certainly certainly used it to turn my life around. And whenever I, you know, I'm having a month where I'm overspending or I'm starting to get really negative on my thoughts, I have that time to think back on and think, okay, we got to get this under control because you don't want to go back there. And now I have a purpose of helping other women like you, who are listening to this podcast. I am so committed to just inspiring and motivating other moms and showing them that, you know, you don't have to live this life of day in and day out just daily grind. There can be more, you can have more depth. Even when you have little kids at your feet, there can be more, not necessarily more stuff or more to do, but just more abundance, more beauty, and more time with your kids. If you structure it correctly and just figuring out what you really want from your life and figuring out how to make parts of that work right now, while you build toward the ultimate dream of your life. So that is my postpartum depression story. It's long it's. I don't know. I don't know if I did it justice talking about how actually horrific it was, but just trust me when I say it was hell. Um, and I never want to go through it again and I never want anybody else to go through it again. I will that I, although I owe a lot of my life now to the habits I've created, I am thankful for antidepressants. I think medications are over prescribed in a lot of cases, but there are people who need them. And if you are struggling with your mental health, especially during all this pandemic and everything, or if you had a baby and you're thinking, Oh , it's just the baby blues people around you are telling you, this is not just the baby blues. Please listen to them and go get help. Even though I didn't have the best experience at the doctor, hopefully you would have a better experience. I think most doctors are amazing. Um, you just like any profession, there's those few that kind of ruin it for everybody, but I want you to go get help. And I want you to be open to your options doesn't necessarily mean you need medication, but just be open to it because it truly saved my life. And I don't know what I would've done without it, but I also needed those changes in my life. So I am just so excited for the future of this podcast, where I will interview working moms of all different types, online, working moms, in person, working moms, like doctors, nurses, mechanics, online entrepreneurs, people who design things, teachers, you know, everybody, I just, I want to give a voice to other moms out there and their message. Maybe they don't want to start a whole podcast, but they have a message they want to share. I want to open up the platform for you and your stories and what we can learn from each other. I'm just so passionate about that. And so hopefully this story kind of gave you a sense of why I'm so passionate about that and why I'm starting this podcast. I would love if you would join my Facebook group called work-life glue moms, Facebook group. And in there, we just chat a lot about motherhood and ourselves as moms. And we have questions we answer every day and it's a great community and I will always post this podcast. Every time I upload an episode, I will have a little discussion in there. And it's just a way to get to know other moms like yourself and like me. And I think it's an amazing place to be. So , um , make sure you go to work-life blue.com/podcast , and you can find the information about that. There also, if you are interested in being interviewed on this podcast where we will just have a conversation, like we were going to a coffee shop and we will talk about what your days look like, what your struggles are, what advice you have, what tips you have, how you balance it all, and just have a lot of fun in the process. And you can be helping others and sharing your message. Please go to work-life glue.com/podcast , and you can find out how to be interviewed. And I will interview some people that I pick and then I will interview some people that fill out the form on there. Um, hopefully we will get som and I will start interviewing people. I just think as a mom, I would love to hear from other working moms like how you do it all and tips and ideas and laugh and cry. Like, I just think it's an amazing thing to share. So make sure you head over there and if you haven't already, I would love if you would subscribe to this podcast, not every episode will be this long or this, I guess, dramatic and emotion filled, but I just felt like this is really how I needed to start the podcast. So I appreciate you taking time out of your day to listen. And I hope to see you back for the next episode. Thank you guys. I'll talk to you next time.