Our official first full length episode! We set the stage with some introductions, answer some fun "what blank are you" questions, and talk about some basic strategies for communication (including how we run family meetings).
If you loved this episode, please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a comment! Want to help pay Foxglove and get access to amazing bonus content? Consider joining our fan community on Patreon. You can also find us on Tumblr and on Twitter.
We answer at least one listener question every episode. You can email us at quaplenetwork@gmail.com with your questions about life, relationships, polyamory, or even a specific weird situation you need help with. We are looking forward to answering your questions and doing our level best to give you good advice!
A big thank to molly ofgeography for the use her song Hanahaki (Bloom) for our music.
And remember, we believe in you!
Our official first full length episode! We set the stage with some introductions, answer some fun "what blank are you" questions, and talk about some basic strategies for communication (including how we run family meetings).
If you loved this episode, please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a comment! Want to help pay Foxglove and get access to amazing bonus content? Consider joining our fan community on Patreon. You can also find us on Tumblr and on Twitter.
We answer at least one listener question every episode. You can email us at quaplenetwork@gmail.com with your questions about life, relationships, polyamory, or even a specific weird situation you need help with. We are looking forward to answering your questions and doing our level best to give you good advice!
A big thank to molly ofgeography for the use her song Hanahaki (Bloom) for our music.
And remember, we believe in you!
Hey, y'all, I'm Sunflower.
Iris:I'm Iris.
Foxglove:I'm Foxglove.
Sage:And I'm Sage.
Sunflower:And this is, And They Were Roommates, a podcast about modern love, life, and everything in between.
Iris: Disclaimer:we are not experts at being adults, we've just lived through a lot. If you'd like to find a transcript of our episode, you can find it along with the episode on our Buzzsprout.
Foxglove:Now, usually, this is where we're going to give you a quick summary of the stuff we're going to be talking about for the episode. One general advice topic, one listener question, and some goofing off in the middle there. But: this is our pilot, so we're going to structure things a little bit differently. We'll get to some relationship advice toward the back half of the episode, but first, we're going to talk about ourselves a little bit.
Sunflower:So I'm first
Foxglove:No.
Sunflower:I'm Sun. I am 24. I am pansexual. And I am cis female, and I use she/her pronouns. I have a degree in marketing and I work in Development at a nonprofit along with Sage and Iris, and I enjoy painting, reading, video games, and true-crime podcasts. I chose sunflowers. First off, because of their meaning of loyalty, and I am a fiercely loyal person and expect nothing less in return.
Iris:It's true!
Sunflower:But I also chose them because I love that sunflowers are huge, and tall, and they're actually strong enough to handle that. And I also think it's super cool that they turn themselves to look at the sun all day. I find that super cute.
Iris:That's really adorable.
Foxglove:You're so charming.
Iris:And also you just really really like sunflowers.
Sunflower:I love sunflowers! They're so pretty. Also you can eat them? They're just a really useful plant.
Sage:Can you eat the whole flower, or just the seeds?
Sunflower:I mean, just the seeds but that's more than like, a daffodil.
Sage:I just envisioned someone like, taking a slice out of a sunflower and eating it like a pizza and that was an image.
Sunflower:No, you just take it off and just gnaw on it raw.
Foxglove:Yeah, you justbite straight into the stalk.
Iris:Terrible.
Foxglove: Carrots:Challenge Mode. The worst celery.
Sunflower:Can you imagine? Ugh.
Iris:No, no thank you.
Sage:Anyway...
Iris:All right, I think I'm up next. I'm Iris and I use she/her pronouns. I am 23 years old, bisexual, demiromantic. I am also a cis woman. I'm part of the disabled community. I have some invisible disabilities as well as some mental health stuff. I got a degree in linguistics and photography, and I work in Development for a nonprofit and run two Employee Resource Groups. One that's a LGBTQ one, the Pride ERG and a disability and mental health ERG. I have a wide range of hobbies from embroidery to tabletop RPGs to video games. And I have so many thoughts about irises apparently, I sat down to write about why I picked the name Iris. And like first of all, I wanted something that was actually a name. And that had a meaning that resonated with me. Iris means a lot of different things depending on the color, including eloquence, good news, faith, hope, wisdom... You might not get the sense that I'm wise or particularly eloquent based on this podcast, but hope and faithful, those were two meanings that I really looked out for...
Foxglove:That's what editing is for.
Iris:Yeah, exactly. Oh, and they're also associated with royalty. And I'm a princess. Sothere is that. Also I'm a super huge Greek mythology nerd, and the goddess Iris is the goddess of the rainbow. And I'm gay. So, bonus points for rainbows.
Foxglove:You're so cute.
Sunflower:Justbonus points for rainbows!
Foxglove:You're such a little nerd.
Iris:But yeah, that's me.
Foxglove:I think I'm next?
Iris:Yeah.
Sunflower:Yeah.
Foxglove:I'm Foxglove, or Fox. I'm 23, I'm non binary. I use pretty much whatever pronouns people prefer, but I default to they/them. Um, I have a degree in pre-medical studies, and I was working as an EMT prior to, umI am also part of the disabled community, and I stopped being able to ignore it all of a sudden, pretty quick. And currently, I am the head editor and only editor on this podcast, and for hobbies to fill my time, I write novels and do different podcasts, and I DM tabletop RPGs, mostly. And I read, having just dunked on Iris for being a nerd. Those are my hobbies, sothere you go.
Sunflower:Also like, please tell us about your flower.
Foxglove:So
Sage:Speaking of being a nerd...
Foxglove:So... about... I... okay. Foxglove can kill you. Because it produces something called...
Sage:Strong start!
Foxglove:Foxglove produces something called digoxin. The flower's Latin name is digitalis. And digoxin is cool, because on the one hand, it can kill you super dead. But on the other hand, we use it in a diluted form and like micro-dose it to treat heart failure! And that's so cool. And I like
Iris:Biggest nerd.
Foxglove:I like what the household calls, quote unquote,'fun facts,' which you'll see a lot of, because I spout them constantly. And one of them is that we use this poison that's quite dangerous and likeand then we went, 'Hey, you know what, we could totally use this to treat heart failure.' And it's just so cool to me.
Sunflower:Also, medically speaking, could you explain the difference between dead and super dead?
Sage:WhI'm sorry, what?
Foxglove:I guess it depends on how much foxglove tea you drink. One cup gets you dead, two cups gets you super dead and three cups makes you into a minor god of the stuff.
Sage:Mega-dead
Sunflower:Mega-dead!
Sage:That'sthat's how you get to mega-death
Foxglove:Yeah, definitely.
Sage:three cups of foxglove tea.
Foxglove:100%. Um, and I don't have a cool meaning for the flower. I think foxgloves means like, insecurity or anxiety or something. But
Iris:You are an anxious bean.
Foxglove:Yeah, so it's on-brand. But, the main reason I chose it was because I could use it as an excuse to tell people interesting medical facts all the time.
Sage:Well, you're starting off strong with that.
Foxglove:Yep.
Sage:All right. I think that brings it around to me then right?
Iris:Hell yeah.
Foxglove:Yeah!
Sage:Okay, I am Sage, I am 28, bisexual, cisgender, I use he/him pronouns. My degree is in creative writing, which you would not know from my job, which is the Mailroom Manager at the same nonprofit that Iris and Sunflower work at. And I also do the transcription for this podcast. Uh, hobbiesnovel-writing, board game design, video games, racing and adventure games specifically, and... most visual media, TV, movies, anything that's on a screen. Um, as far as sage as my flower choice. I think I went through literally the entirewe passed around a list between the four of us of just like, all flowers, and sage was the only one I felt any kind of kinship with. And it sounds old and wise, and I might not have much wisdom, but I am old. So there is that?
Sunflower:You're not that old!
Sage:Yeah, well, for the four of us. Cheers.
Foxglove:The three of us are just very precocious.
Iris:Yeah!
Sage:That is true.
Sunflower:That's a word for it.
Iris:Oh, and, um, I didn't mention what I do on the podcast, I don't think Sun did either. But if you ever message us on any social media, you'll
Sunflower:Nope. probably be talking to one of the two of us, because we do our social media marketing mostly. And Sun also handles like our accounting and stuff, because she has a business degree and is cooler than I am.
Foxglove:Yeah. I answer things on social media when I'm physically handed a phone and told to answer something. I justI will forget thatI think I post on my personal Twitter like, once every five to seven months.
Sage:And I do not do the social media thing.
Sunflower:No, no, you don't. That's fine. We're making it work.
Iris:That's what you have us for!
Sunflower:Yeah!
Sage:Bless you both.
Sunflower:It's important to have at least two people.
Iris:Yeah, let's close this out with some community agreements!
Sunflower:We want to close out our About section with some community agreements. We really want to build a community that is a kind and safe space for everyone. We also felt that it was important to be intentional about this if we want to cultivate a sense of belonging. So here are a couple of community agreements at the top. They're partially borrowed from Aorta, the Anti-Oppression Resource and Training Alliance, who you should check out if you've never heard of them. So, 1, no one knows everything, but together, we know a lot. 2, embrace curiosity. 3, we can't be articulate all the time. 4, acknowledge the difference between intent and impact. And 5
is the golden rule:to treat others how you want to be treated. I do want to dig into number 4 real quick, because this one's really important. So, acknowledge the difference between intent and impact. We have to understand that sometimes we say things without meaning them to be malicious, but they can cause harm anyway. Sometimes our actions and the things that we say cause harm, and when they cause harm, we need to acknowledge the fact that we did cause harm, apologize for what we have done, and take that as a learning moment to be better in the future. Do you want to add to that?
Iris:That was great, No, that was great! I think
Sunflower:Okay.
Iris:I think you did a great job.
Foxglove:That sounded fantastic.
Iris:I thinkyeah, the long and the short of it is, we are all learning and growing together. And we're gonna go out and do our best to build a kind, safe space where we can learn and grow together, right? That's like the TL;DR?
Sunflower:Yeah!
Foxglove:Yeah.
Iris:Cool.
Sage:Yep.
Foxglove:You know, take care of each other. Sort of the only thing that our terrible little species has going for us.
Sage:Be excellent to each other.
Foxglove:Yeah.
Iris:Yeah, exactly.
Foxglove:Nice reference.
Iris:And in that spirit, we also think that it's important to name our privilege and our growth areas. All four of us are white. We've only lived in America, but we do come from a wide range of socioeconomic backgrounds. Sun, Sage and I are all cisgender. And here are some of the things we believe in and want to keep in mind as we start this podcast. First, we want to state that Black Lives Matter, and that we are working to use an anti-racism lens in all the work that we do. We know the land acknowledgement is only one small part of supporting indigenous communities, but we want to start by naming that we live in Brooklyn on land that is stolen from the Lenape tribe. Even though we have disabled folks as part of this group, we also want to state that we believe in disability justice, we also believe in being inclusive of all queer identities, especially the ones that tend to be excluded. This includes transgender and nonbinary folks, asexuals, aromantics, bisexuals and pansexuals. We believe in decriminalizing sex work to make sure that our most vulnerable communities are kept safe. We know how much progress we owe to the incredible black trans women who have always been at the forefront of the queer rights movement in America. There isso much more to say, and this is just the beginning. But we are growing and learning along with you, and encourage you to reach out and correct us when we make mistakes. Because we're all human and mistakes are gonna happen.
Foxglove:Yeah.
Sunflower:Oh, especially because this is not a scripted podcast. We are just winging it.
Iris:Out here. Yeah, thisthis whole community agreements is the most scripted thing you'll ever hear us say. That's it.
Sunflower:it's true. Yeah.
Foxglove:Yep.
Iris:Because we want to get it right. But yeah, also, before we move on, I want to remind everyonewe mentioned it at the top, but you can find our transcripts on Buzzsprout. We want to make sure this podcast is as accessible as possible. For us, this means starting with transcripts of all of our full-length episodes, and image descriptions whenever we make original image posts on social media. But please let us know if you have any other ideas for how to make the podcast more accessible, it can be challenging with our limited time and resources. But we always will do our best
Foxglove:There are only four of us!
Iris:Yeah, we will always do our best to accommodate though.
Sunflower:Yeah!
Foxglove:Yeah, even if the accommodation is, 'We don'
Iris:Exactly.
Sage:It will be at the top of the list once the resources are currently have the resources fo that right now, but we have note, and this is when and h w we're planning to get ther.' in our hands.
Sunflower:Definitely. We alsowe are starting to pay for more and more subscription services that let us do more things to make our podcast more accessible, but that is taking time and money, which we are working on getting.
Foxglove:Yes.
Sunflower:But yeah! Do we want todo we want to ask each other some really weird questions?
Iris:Yeah, let'slet's
Foxglove:Yeah.
Iris:And now we're gonna move into some fun silly stuff we're gonna do as an intermission.
Sunflower:Yeah!
Foxglove:And now, some goofing off.
Sunflower:Who do we want to ask the first questions? Do we want to take turns?
Foxglove:Well, our first question is actually a real question we got sent.
Iris:So, the idea for this middle section actually came from an anonymous user on Tumblr, because they sent us an ask with, 'I get the flower thing. Now I want to know what kind of pie each of you are.' So thank you, Tumblr user, for sending in that question.
Foxglove:Because now we're gonna do
Sunflower:Yeah, now we're gonna do a lot.
Foxglove:Now we're going to do a whole bit about it.
Sunflower:Yeah. Which was great, which is super great. Also, the best part of this is we're actually recording this two daysTwo days after Thanksgiving. It's not going to come out two days after Thanksgiving. But it was just Pie Day.
Foxglove:Yes. Uh, by which
Sage:And the pie was delicious.
Foxglove:II do annual Pie Day the day before Thanksgiving, where I hang out with my mom and we make pies for like, eight hours. This year, it happened over Skype because of the pandemic.
Sunflower:It was super cute. They wore Santa hats. It's really cute.
Iris:It is really cute.
Foxglove:Yeah, we're really adorable.
Sage:Alright, who's starting?
Iris:Hi! I call cherry!
Sage:Hi! Why cherry?
Iris:Cuz I like cherry. it's the only type of pie until like, this year that I would eat. So I feel like I get the right to claim it as my pie.
Sage:You vibe with the cherry pie.
Iris:It's
Foxglove:Yeah, that's fair.
Iris:sweet, and, justit's ridiculously sweet. Is the main reason. Because...
Sunflower:Yeah. It's also like, a little molten.
Foxglove:Yeah.
Sunflower:You're kind of gooey.
Iris:A little artificial, just like me.
Foxglove:Oh, babe!
Sunflower:Self-burn, those are rare. You make it sound like you've had work done!
Sage:Just starting right, right out, out for blood.
Sunflower:Sounds like you do Botox or something!
Iris:No, absolutely not. No.
Sunflower:Oh, man. Okay.
Iris:I'm just kidding.
Sage:Well, now we all know a little bit more about Iris.
Iris:No, I'm justI'm just sweet. Don't mind me.
Sunflower:Okay. That's true. I'mI'm calling chocolate cream pie, because it's incredibly cheap to make. But it's just likeit's a crowd-pleaser
Foxglove:Universal appeal.
Sunflower:Yeah, it's just chocolate pudding and a graham cracker crust, and then, I put Cool Whip on mine, because I grew up with Cool Whip, and that's what I put on that pie. And it's perfect.
Sage:So you're saying you're cool.
Sunflower:I am
Sage:Great.
Sunflower:the coolest, honestly.
Foxglove:Absolutely.
Sage:Hell yeah.
Iris:I mean, I've always called yourself cheap, so I guess every single one of these has to contain a self-burn.
Sunflower:I amI'm pretty cheap.
Sage:Mine does not, so I will break that trend.
Sunflower:I grew up broke, and I will stay broke.
Foxglove:Big mood though.
Sunflower:Sage, what pie are you?
Sage:I am pecan pie, because I love pecan pie, but also it is incredibly sweet and a little nutty. And, uh, yeah, I relate to that.
Foxglove:That's a good joke!
Sunflower:I was really hoping you were gonna do that!
Sage:Yeah. Also, the one that Fox made a couple of days ago was likeI picked it up and I was expecting like, somethingImost of my experience with pecan pies is the one that my family made and like, they're delicious, don't get me wrong, but they're like, reasonably light, still.
Foxglove:They're like a pound.
Sage:I picked this one up and I was like, 'This is fuckin'five pounds! This is a lot of pie for a tiny tin!' and it was spectacular. And it's almost gone, and I am distraught.
Foxglove:Yeah, it was the first time I made a pecan pie. And, fun fact, making caramel for the first time at home is fucking terrifying! I was soI was so stressed. I was so stressed.
Sage:You did great Fox, it was so good.
Sunflower:Yeah, they did a great job.
Foxglove:Delighted that it came out edible. Was very nerve-wracking.
Iris:And what type of pie are you Fox?
Foxglove:Um, I don't know, uh... Sun said rhubarb. I've admittedly never enjoyed a rhubarb pie in my life, because I think I've mostly had bad ones that were really, really bitter. So, maybe that's accurate.
Iris:Are you calling yourself bad and bitter specifically?
Foxglove:Just bitter.
Sunflower:No, they're good! They're good bitter!
Foxglove:They're just bitter.
Sage:Are you saying you don't like yourself?
Foxglove:No, I'm saying that I'm the household pessimist.
Sunflower:That's a true statement.
Iris:That is true.
Sage:Yeah, I'll give you that actually.
Sunflower:I think I'm right about this one still.
Foxglove:Short of that, I wouldI would hear a case for rhubarb pie. Short of that, I don't know, apple? Uh, easy to make, likeaccessible.
Iris:Classic!
Foxglove:Classic.
Sunflower:Classic.
Foxglove:Cheap.
Sage:Everyone's just going for these burns. And I justcome on!
Foxglove:I also grew up extremely broke!
Sunflower:You called yourself nutty!
Foxglove:Yeah, you did! Also, I did pick a flower
Sage:Yeah, but that could be a good thing!
Foxglove:with the meaning of anxious, so.
Sage:Yeah...
Foxglove:It's true.
Iris:Okay!
Foxglove:We're doing great, guys.
Iris:So for some less self-burns, we can move on towe picked a couple of other random ones
Sage:You're assuming this is going to get better.
Iris:Yeah, this is definitely gonna get better! Don't worry.
Foxglove:And it gets worse/better!
Sunflower:We're gonna getfrom here on in, it'swe're speedrunning. The first thing you think of is the thing you say?
Iris:No justification?
Sunflower:No, you can do a little justification, but we're gonna
Foxglove:Minimal justification.
Sunflower:say the answer as quickly as possible. Don't think about it, just say it, and then you can justify it later.
Iris:Okay.
Foxglove:Yeah.
Sage:O-okay?
Iris:Season.
Sunflower:Yes.
Iris:Go.
Sunflower:Fall.
Sage:Spring.
Iris:Winter.
Sage:Apparently I'm summer.
Sunflower:Yeah, cuz you're fiery.
Foxglove:I mean
Sunflower:Yeah, right?
Iris:Did you say one, Sage?
Sage:Yeah, I said spring.
Sunflower:You're definitely spring.
Iris:Yeah, you're definitely spring.
Foxglove:Yeah, definitely.
Iris:I'm winter because I like darkness
Foxglove:Hate sunlight.
Iris:and hate sunlight.
Sage:Yes.
Sunflower:And don't like to be warm.
Iris:I'm always warm! I'm just warm all the time, and there's only so many layers I'm allowed to take off and be appropriate during the summer. So during the winter at least I can havelike, I can layer and adjust to my temperature.
Sunflower:Yeah, and I love fall because I love layers, and I love all fall clothes, and I just want to be in a sweater all the time. And also boots.
Sage:And I love spring because it's still real chilly, which means I get to wear all of the fun clothes that I get to in fall, but everything is green again. And it isI don't know, I love the way spring smells because all the leaves start budding and as soon as the first rain comes, it's just spectacular. That'syeah, that's the
Sunflower:Rebirth!
Foxglove:Um, I don't actually have anyI don't like summer that much, because I tend to faint a lot during summer. But, um, if I don't get like, light, I just don't wake up ever, and then it's 5PM and I'm like, still kind of a zombie. And I will grantI will grantI complain a lot about summer, because againI faint a lot. But um, I justit's nice out, and you can likeas long as it's not hideously hot and humid, you can like, be outside, and like, see people, and like, can you tell I've been in quarantine for eight months? You can sit on our fire escape and shit.
Sage:Yes.
Foxglove:All of the things that you can't do in the middle of winter when there's a pandemic on.
Sunflower:Yeah!
Iris:Perfect.
Sunflower:Okay, I have the next one. And that is: your astrology sign!
Foxglove:Oh, geez.
Sunflower:So I'm a Taurus.
Iris:Yeah. Which isthis one's not ayeah, this is, I'm also Taurus, and this isn'tlike, we didn't pick these, we just are these, but also we wanted to make Fox talk about their astrology sign. 'Cause they're a mess.
Sage:Let's save that for last because that's gonna
Foxglove:Yeah.
Sage:that's a good way to end.
Iris:Yeah.
Sunflower:Okay. Yeah, um, Iris and I are both Taurus, and I think we're both stubborn enough to make that happen. Mm-hmm. Um, unmovable. Very very loyal, kind of aggressive, you know.
Iris:Yeah, I would vibe with all of that.
Sunflower:Yeah, right?
Sage:Whereas I am the goddamn stereotype of a Libra and
Foxglove:Very much.
Sage:weigh everything against everything else. And... yeah, decision making can be hard sometimes because it's just like, 'Hmm, but this thing and that thing, and what are the pros and what are the cons...' anyway, you get the idea.
Iris and Sunflower:And Fox...
Sage:Yes, tell us.
Foxglove:So I'm a Pisces. Um, and the reason this is funny, is because it has been a consistent fact of my life that I am the worst Pisces to ever draw a fishy little breath.
Sage:I didn't believe in astrology before, but you are the reason I don't believe in it now.
Foxglove:Yeah. Um, and specifically, relevantly, I'm sure we'll get into this later, Imy parents were in a cult when I was born. Um, so I had a lot of people who were trying real, real hard to find a reason in my astrological chart that I'm, you know, loud and stubborn and brash and pessimistic and practical. And they tried so hard and it's justit's not
Iris:You broke it!
Foxglove:it's just describing a very different person. It describes like a cohesive individual who's like, you know, easygoing, level-headed, emotionally in tune with themself and the people around them. And I'm out here just being like, 'I feel two emotions, they are anger and joy, and I'll physically combust if I even approach any of the others.'
Iris:Yeah, it's just a endless, endless source of amusement for all of us.
Foxglove:Occasionally, I make people guess because like, it's ait's a question that people will just ask you after they've known you for like, an hour and a half
Iris:Especially in the queer community, we love astrology.
Foxglove:Yeah, I'm never gonna get it. Um, and people will just
Iris:It's fun.
Foxglove:ask me this after an hour and a half or two hours, and they'll be like, 'What's your star sign?' And I'll be like, 'You tell me what you think my star sign is. Let's play a game. Let's play a game called how wrong you gonna be.' The one I get most often is Aries.
Sunflower:Yeah, that makes sense.
Sage:Yes.
Sunflower:More accurate.
Sage:The one you should have been.
Sunflower:Yeah.
Foxglove:Yeah. I'm not even on the cusp of anything. Straight in the middle of Pisces. My whole chart is like, Pisces and Libra all the way down.
Sunflower:Yeah, I'm the cusp of Taurus and Aries. But I am a Taurus, 100%.
Iris:Yeah, my chart makes a lot of sense, actually.
Sunflower:Yeah, same.
Sage:Libra all the way.
Foxglove:Mine wicked does not, but I'm happy for all of you.
Sunflower:I'm like, 10 out of 11 all Taurus. Okay, there was a Scorpio. There's one Scorpio.
Iris:Um, do we want to move on to what Disney royalty are you?
Foxglove:Sure!
Sage:Kida from Atlantis, because she's a badass and Atlantean civilization is spectacular. And I have always wanted to live in that world.
Foxglove:You're so valid.
Sunflower:Yeah, super into that. I would super want to be Jasmine. She like, literally cannot be held down in any way at all. And just like, is very much her own person the whole time and just gets into trouble. And I love that.
Sage:Yeah that's the vibe.
Sunflower:Yeah, right?
Iris:Um, I am 100% definitely Aurora. I am Sleeping Beauty 100%. Ijust because of the fact that I am a vampire. I love to sleep because I have a chronic fatigue disorder! So it fits.
Sage:And the princess's princess.
Iris:I am.
Foxglove:Yeah. And I don't know, I guess I would go with Belle? That feel good?
Sunflower:Yeah.
Iris:Yeah.
Sage:Yeah
Foxglove:If Iif I could physically live inside of a library, I would, and I would never leave, and you'd never see me again! But I'd be okay!
Sage:You'd literally plop a bed down in the middle of the library. And then that would just be
Foxglove:100%.
Sage:where you lived for the rest of time.
Foxglove:There's
Sunflower:Whereand also, like castles... that castle's perfect
Foxglove:There's couches!
Sunflower:because it's like, a library and a rose garden.
Iris:Yeah.
Foxglove:Yeah!
Sunflower:And you love both of those things.
Foxglove:I do love both of those things!
Iris:Yeah.
Foxglove:I love both of those things a lot. Also, because Belle is the closest Disney Princess to being Janet from Tam Lin. That's actually my legit answer.
Sage:Also Fox, I just want to take this back a stepyou say you'd sleep on a couch, but you would not last on a couch. Please be real with us.
Sunflower:Yeah you wouldn't.
Foxglove:Okay, listen. You dislocate your pelvis one time.
Sunflower:One time!?
Foxglove:Dislocate your pelvis one time and everybody holds it against you forever.
Iris:The only other person I will say is specifically from thethe one thing I always think of is Prince Charming, but specifically from the third Cinderella where he jumps out the window. That's you.
Sage:That is also Fox.
Sunflower:That's also the vibe! Sage, do you want to ask the next one?
Sage:Sure. So what meme is everyone?
Foxglove:I'm the 'It's Fine' dog in a room full of fire.
Sunflower:Yeah you are.
Sage:The first comic or the second comic?
Foxglove:The first comic.
Sage:Okay, great. Thank you for your answer.
Foxglove:This is fine.
Iris:I don't know about me, but Sun is 100% 'I'm gonna get a Subaru!'
Foxglove:Yeah!
Sunflower:I am!
Sage:Don't even let her get it out.
Foxglove:No!
Sage:Just pull that on her.
Sunflower:It's fine, I forgot anyway, so I was gonna be like,'I don't know!' I do also like the guy with the butterfly. The one that's like
Foxglove:Yeah!
Sunflower:'Is this this? Or is it this?'
Foxglove:The modern version of'This is not a pipe.' Yeah.
Sunflower:Yeah.
Iris:I also really like theI think for me maybe the the John Mulaney 'Yes' and 'No' one?
Foxglove:Yeah.
Iris:I like that.
Sunflower:Yeah. That's a good one too.
Sage:And the most of the memes
Foxglove:What do you have?
Sage:I know are Vines, soyes, I am the 'What do you have? A knife!'
Iris:No!
Sage:Because, yeah, I get enthusiastic about sharp objects, I guess!
Foxglove:The arbiter of our nice kitchen knives, honestly.
Sunflower:It's true. They got sharpened yesterday.
Iris:Yeah. Does anybody have a better one for me? I'm bad at memes.
Foxglove:Um... specifically
Iris:Oh no, you're gonna destroy me.
Sunflower:You gonna say something mean?
Iris:I can see the look on Fox's face, and they're going to destroy me. Hit me.
Foxglove:You know
Sunflower:Not a visual medium.
Foxglove:you know the meme that's like, one Kermit facing another Kermit, but the Kermitthe other Kermit's in a cloak? And it's like, your likereasonable brain and your Id having a conversation? That one.
Iris:That's me.
Sunflower:Yeah, that is.
Iris:That's fair.
Sage:Yeah.
Iris:That seems legitimate.
Sage:Nailed it.
Foxglove:About any topic. Ever.
Sage:Alright, Fox, our DM, do you want to introduce the next one?
Foxglove:I do. What D&D class would you be?
Iris:Dungeons and Dragons for those people who are not tabletop RPG players.
Foxglove:Yes.
Iris:I have so many thoughts on this.
Foxglove:Oh, tell us your thoughts.
Iris:Okay. Okay. So if we're talking like, 3.5, weird DND classes, I'd be a Beguiler. They do
Foxglove:Alright.
Iris:exclusively illusion magic, and like, deception and persuasion. And I've always played charisma characters, and I find them the most fun so that one if I was doing 3.5. If I'm doing like, modern 5e, probably...
Foxglove:Like, a class someone would know, babe. Like, Warlock? Because it's like, magic by way of sugar baby. Yeah, like you get magic by being like, charming and putting your eyelash.
Sage:People who don't know things about D&D are gonna be so confused right now.
Sunflower:It's better with no context.
Foxglove:Let me assure you that's 100% accurate. Except then your sugar daddy asks you to help end the world.
Sage:Straight from the DM's mouth.
Foxglove:That's Warlock.
Iris:That's Warlock.
Sunflower:Would I be a Bard? Cuz I'm like, literally always singing or humming?
Iris:Maybe yeah?
Foxglove:Yeah! I think that'd be a good one, yeah.
Sage:Usually Jingle Bells.
Sunflower:Usually Jingle Bells.
Foxglove:Also like, you wereyou do a lot with social media and stuff, and Bards are like, very... also very that, like persuasion, like, negotiation diplomacy kind of class.
Sunflower:That's fair. Am I persuasive?
Sage:Yes.
Iris:Yeah.
Sunflower:Okay, good to know!
Sage:Have you seen our follower count?
Foxglove:I would consider you one of the more persuasive people in this apartment, yeah.
Sunflower:You know, I never thought about it for myself, but okay, I'm into it!
Foxglove:I'm not a high charisma character, let's put it that way.
Iris:I'mI'm a high charisma character. That's me.
Sunflower:Yeah. Yes, hello. That is I.
Sage:And I'm a Paladin, because I am terrible liar with an inconvenient moral compass and really that's it.
Foxglove:You're just very upright.
Sunflower:You're very soft.
Sage:I tried towe playedlisteners, we played BS last night and I don't think I succeeded in a single lie. The card game BS?
Foxglove:You didn't, but it was so cute! Um, and as for me, I... DM. I haven't played a Dungeons and Dragon in many a moon.
Iris:Yeah, but what are you, as a person? Not what character do you play, what are you?
Sage:They're a DM, come on! That'sthat is their class.
Foxglove:God. I have no idea what D&D class I would be.
Iris:Barbarian.
Sage:Yeah, actually, no. That's it.
Iris:I would like to rage.
Sunflower:Had that on lock.
Foxglove:I would like to rage.
Sage:I don't know why we took so long on that one guys, wewe should have had that one cold!
Sunflower:Wait.
Iris:I was just waiting.
Sunflower:They could also be a monk though.
Foxglove:I could also be a monk though.
Sunflower:Because they miss the first punch, and then they hit you twice as hard twice.
Sage:Two for flinching.
Foxglove:I don't think I've ever missed a punch in a fight.
Sunflower:That's fair.
Iris:Also they're not dexterous enough to be a monk.
Sunflower:Oh yeah true.
Foxglove:I'm notI'm clumsy. But yeah, no, I would like to rage.
Sunflower:And right before this, we all prepped a question that none of us know we're asking. A fun, secret question.
Iris:We accidentally brainstormed most of these together, and then we realized that it would be way more fun if we did it apart. So
Sunflower:We did surprise questions! Who wants to start the surprise question round?
Sage:I can go for it.
Sunflower:Yeah!
Sage:What time of day would you be?
Iris:Ooh.
Sunflower:Oh, hmm.
Iris:Night?
Sage:Okay, but what time of night?
Sunflower:Do you want like, an hour?
Sage:Yeah, givegive me a five-minute window.
Iris: I'm... 4:35 to... no, I'm
Sage:I... I really thought you were gonna go with just straight up 4AM from the Bastille song, but.
Iris:Oh, that would be cute. I love that song for us. But um
Sunflower:Yeah, same.
Iris:Uh, yeah, no, I am actually that like, supe-rduper late hours. I'm like, after midnight. Definitely. Like, very night.
Sage:Yeah.
Sunflower:I'm gonna go like, 8AM. I really like the morning.
Foxglove:The dichotomy!
Sunflower:Yeah, extremely different. But like, the sun's really bright, and it just started, and especially like, in the summer it's really great. And also like, I usually read before work for a couple of hours, and like 8AM is like the perfect time to like, quietly read while you get your brain going. I love that.
Iris:Yeah, you're you're a morning person, and I'm practically nocturnal.
Sunflower:Yep.
Sage:Yep.
Sunflower:Fox?
Foxglove:Oh, me. God. I have no idea. Any time of the day when I can be awake without suffering consequences.
Sunflower:So like, noon and on?
Foxglove:Uh, yeah.
Iris:Likeprobably like, 10, 11AM on.
Foxglove: Yeah, like 10:00AM forward. Um, maybe like 11AM forward because it takes me like an hour to get functional.
Iris:Fair. Babe?
Sage:I would be... Let's see. About 7AM in spring, like daybreak in spring? So just when the sky is starting to get a little bit lighter, when it's still that like, dark, early blue and all the birds are singing the trees, is me.
Foxglove:The precision.
Sunflower:I do want the listeners to know because again, not a visual medium. We all looked at you like you were the best thing in the world. Like you were like, freshly baked bread on a cold day. It was very sweet, all of us were just like 'awww!'
Iris:The cutest.
Sage:Y'all are saps.
Iris:Yeah we are.
Sunflower:Yeah... who wants to go next?
Foxglove:How about you?
Sage:Yeah, do it.
Sunflower:Me? Okay. I figured I was gonna do like a desert island question. So if you could only watch one movie forever, which one would you pick?
Foxglove:Labyrinth?
Sunflower:Yeah, okay. That's fair.
Iris:Movies are hard for me because I like TV shows better. What movie do I like enough to watch it forever?
Sage:Just one movie? Not like a series?
Sunflower:No, one.
Sage:God damn. Oh, shoot. I have no idea
Iris:You've broken me.
Foxglove:Well, what would yours be while they churn steam out of their ears?
Sunflower:I think A Knight's Tale, the Heath Ledger movie? I really like that movie. It's so fun. It's a really good time. I like the romance a lot. And the music slaps, it's a good movie. Also like Heath Ledger. Heath Ledger was so hot. Ugh. Anyway,
Sage:I'm going to uh, look through a list of the movies we ridiculous. own real quick because I'm drawing a complete fuckin' blank.
Foxglove:Oh wow, like a hard blank.
Sage:Yep.
Iris:I don't watch movies on my own.
Sunflower:Yeah, Iris, would it be easier to pick a TV series?
Iris:I mean, it would be Leverage. If you picked a short one that wasn't likeno, like a short one that's like, movie-length. Something like, not significantly longer than a long movie.
Sunflower:Are you talking? You're just mouthing things!
Iris:I'm just trying to think of literally anything, and coming up completely blank. I'm just like, 'What do I even watch?' Like, I like a bunch of like
Foxglove:Yuri On Ice?
Iris:Yeah, that's a good one. I like Yuri On Ice. That's thethat is a good one. That would be mine. That's what I would want to watch forever.
Foxglove:It's like 11 or 12 20-minute episodes? That's like,
Sunflower:Yuri On Ice is such a good time. four hours.
Iris:Yeah, you have to watch it as like aas like a movie. Yeah, that that would be it. Thank you, thank you for helping because I was floundering
Foxglove:We should rewatch it.
Iris:It's good, it's gay, it's animated
Sunflower:It's ice skating.
Iris:it's ice skating.
Sage:Just got all the things that you need.
Iris:Yeah.
Sunflower:Yeah! Sage, have you found a movie?
Sage:Maybe. I'veI've got a couple of candidates, because on one hand, anything by Miyazaki is a candidate. And Princess Mononoke is a perennial favorite that I have loved ever since the first time I saw it. But also, ifif this was the only movie that I could watch forever, maybe Chef would make the cut, just because I really like the story of that. It'sfor anyone who hasn't seen it, it's a story about a father and son who open and run a food truck together and then go on the road back to their hometown in LA to to bring it back to where they live. And it's just, it's happy and hopeful and I think I could use that if that was the only one that I ever got to watch forever.
Sunflower:That's super fair. Yeah that's good.
Foxglove:Oh you're thinking it all the way through.
Iris:I thought of one.
Foxglove:Ways to keep your morale up on a desert island.
Sage:What do you got Iris?
Iris:Ocean's 8. Specifically
Sage:Oh yeah, thatyep.
Foxglove:You're so valid. I'm gay, there's a bunch of hot women. I love crime. I mean, like, it's justI love a heist movie. It's a heist movie. I love a heist movie, and it's
Sage:Just break us, all at once. what I always wanted heist movies to be when I was younger
Sunflower:It's what they never gave us when we were young. because it's just a bunch of badass women. So, yeah, that would be it.
Sage:Thank God there are more of those these days.
Iris:Yeah!
Sunflower:True.
Iris:Or, oh, The Old Guard. Also The Old Guard is a candidate. guards.
Foxglove:Oh my god. Yeah, I might actually change my answer to that.
Iris:Anyway, thosethose are movies.
Sage: Mad Max:Fury Road.
Sunflower:You said Labyrinth with such conviction!
Foxglove:Labyrinth has been my favorite movie since I was four. So like, that's why.
Sunflower: Iris:question?
Iris:Oh, yeah, yeah. Um, what fanfiction trope are you?
Foxglove:Uh, you know the trope of, 'Person A is completely oblivious to Person B', likenot just hitting on them, but like, assuming they're dating and like, maybe have proposed, and you sit there and you read the fic. And you're like, 'Oh, this is like, kind of charming, but like, it's so far beyond the realm of possibility?' That one. I am Person A in this case. I'm the oblivious one.
Sage:Similarly, Coworkers to Friends to Lovers, because uh,
Sunflower:Yeah, itit us. Sun that's, that's, us.
Sage:It happened.
Iris:Yup.
Sunflower:I don'tI'm not actually that versed in fanfic.
Iris:It's just like romance genre tropes as well.
Sunflower:Yeah, I would maybe be the like, competing businesses and then fall in love trope?
Foxglove:Oh yeah, the like, Rivals to Lovers trope? That's on brand.
Sunflower:Yeah. Which like is also Sage and I?
Iris:Little bit yeah. Specifically
Foxglove:A lot, a whole lot.
Sunflower:And like, I love a little competition that turns into somesome romance. I like that.
Iris:Agreed. Agreed. Um, I didn't actually, believe it or not, think through this one. But um
Foxglove:Pining!
Iris:Pining. Yeah, I'm pining. I'm pining, specifically if you want to get into like, niche fanfiction tropes, I'd be like the, um
Foxglove:The other half of my fanfiction trope.
Iris:Yeah. Also, ifalso, There's Only One Bed. We've done that.
Foxglove:Oh, yeah, we've done that!
Iris:I guess we have to share!
Foxglove:For legitimate reasons.
Iris:But yeah, no, I am, I am the pining half of Fox's idiocy.
Foxglove:I'm theyeah, I'm the Idiots To Lovers trope, and you're the Pining To Lovers
Iris:It's requited pining.
Sunflower:Sage and I are also the Never On the Same Page at the Same Time trope? We're also that one.
Foxglove:Yeah.
Sage:God, yeah.
Sunflower:Like take turns being into each other? That's also us.
Iris:Yeah.
Foxglove:The Infinite near miss.
Sage:We tookwhat, two solid years?
Sunflower:Mmmyeah, yeah. No, like two and a half. Yeah.
Foxglove:That sounds like a long time.
Sunflower:Yeah. So like two and a half.
Iris:If we're casting ourselves in fanfiction, AUs specifically that I'd like to be a part of, I would like to be a part of a florist and tattoo shop. Hey, yo, Like, one of the across the street businesses, they fall in love? Yeah, I think that one's cute.
Sage:I call coffee shop slash bakery AU. Cuz coffee. I need it.
Iris: I would like to propose:coffee shop, bakery, florist, and tattoo parlor all on the same block. And we all fall in love.
Sunflower:Well, it's like, it's a tattooist bar, and a coffee shop with flowers.
Iris:Oh, I like it.
Sunflower:Yeah, that's the thing.
Iris:That's the thing.
Sage:Fox, which AU are you?
Foxglove:Oh, I already said I'm the Idiots to Lovers one.
Sage:I mean, specifically if you had to pick a place, a setting
Foxglove:Anything that would give me superpowers. If I get to pick, I want superpowers.
Sunflower:That's so legit!
Sage:All of us with our lowly retail stores, and you're out here like, 'I want to fuckin fly!'
Foxglove:Y'all fools can do whatever you want, I want to read minds!
Sunflower:If we're making whatever we want too, I also kind of want to be likeI don't know if this is actually a fanfic AU, but I do like, want to be cross country on a motorcycle, and just like, meet up with a person and like, complete the journey together while falling in love
Foxglove:It's called a road trip AU.
Sunflower:Okay, well I want to be part of a road trip AU but only with motorcycles.
Iris:Okay, I like it.
Foxglove:I support this.
Sunflower:Alright Fox, what's your question?
Foxglove:Well, my original question was going to be what book character would you be, but I'm so shocked that no one asked what tarot card would you be that I am going to go with that instead.
Iris:That's very fair.
Sage:The fool. No explanation needed.
Foxglove:Brutal!
Sage:I was waiting for the opportunity for a truly truly scorching self burn, and there it is.
Sunflower:I have to say, I don't know if I've been doing Tarot to have like one on lock for this. Like I have favorite tarot cards, but I don't know that I have one that's likeFox with tarot card am I?
Iris:Could go with the sun, Sun!
Foxglove:You could do one I use
Sunflower:I could.
Foxglove:for you. Also.
Sunflower:What do you use for me?
Foxglove:I usually use the Star for you. Or the Empress.
Sunflower:I like both of those. I would take either of those.
Iris:If we're going Major Arcana, I think I'd be the Moon, and if we were going suits... what's the one you associate with me babe?
Foxglove:Wands.
Iris:Queen of wands? Yeah, the one suit generally but Queen of Wands specifically, maybe? Yeah, that's probably my
Sunflower:Am I, am I Pentacles?
Foxglove:Cups.
Iris:You're cups.
Sunflower:Oh I'm cups? Who's Pentacles?
Iris:Sage is Pentacles.
Sunflower:Sage is of Pentacles? Okay. And Fox, predictably, is swords.
Foxglove:Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I can't believe it took me so long to pull Barbarian, by the way.
Iris:Yeah.
Sage:Wait hang on, I'm the the'What do you have? A knife!' meme, I have to have the sharp objects!
Sunflower:No.
Foxglove:Pentacles can be exchanged for goods services and sharp objects.
Sage:Hey Fox, I'll buy some swords off of you for five Pentacles.
Foxglove:Yes, exactly. I would be the Tower.
Sage:Yeah.
Iris:Yep.
Sage:Congrats, you're cursed.
Foxglove:No further debate needed.
Iris:Yeah. You've been pulling that card since forever.
Sage:Since you were born.
Foxglove:Approximately.
Iris:Yeah, literally.
Sunflower:Approximately since birth.
Iris:How old were you the first time you had a Tarot
Sage:Assigned Tower at birth.
Foxglove:Assigned Tower at birth! I was eight months old the first time someone read Tarot for me, and they pulled almost all Major Arcana featuring the Tower as the self card. And it's pretty much been that way since.
Iris:But yeah, that's us. I think that's all of the questions, right?
Sunflower:Yeah!
Foxglove:Yeah. I think thisthis was fun.
Iris:This was fun.
Foxglove:I would do this again.
Iris:Right?
Foxglove:I complained a lot, but this was fun.
Iris:You complained so much in advance and it wasso cute.
Sunflower:Yeah, and it was fun.
Foxglove:Hey, folks, its Fox here, borrowing the episode for our Patreon shout-outs and a very special announcement. We can't believe how fast launch caught up with us, and it's so amazing that we already have patrons before we even dropped our pilot! Shout out to Kathrin Gabriel Jones, XTeen, Chayse, and N. Jay, our very first patrons. We love you folks so much, your support means the absolute world to us. If you're interested in getting in on our Patreon, you can find us under And They Were Roommates, or as ever, ATWR Podcast! Just $5 a month gets you early access to our episodes, a shout-out just like this one, the chance to jump the line on getting questions answered, and my personal favorite, our super cool bonus content, like media recommendations, storytime, and fun facts! For $10 a month you also get access to our behind the scenes content and bloopers. I promise, I cut so much of us goofing off just to get these episodes down to a listenable length, and only our $10 listeners have any idea how true that is. And if you really want to go all the way, our patrons who kick us 20 whole dollars a monththat is so bonkers to me, by the way, I still cannot believe how incredible you folks are will get periodic mystery gifts in the mail! We're talking pins, cards, stickers, anything we wind up getting our little hands on and thinking is cool enough for you. Speaking of gifts and stuff we think is cool, I have one last thing to tell you about! If you join our Patreon before December 20th at any level, you'll get a postcard from us for the winter holidays! The art was done by the same person who did our cover portraits, the amazing Tysorex, go look her up on Instagram at_tysorex. Her work is gorgeous, and we adore her. Our postcards are genuinely so charming, and I'm really excited to share them with you all. Again, anyone who joins our Patreon before the 20th is going to get one, so if you're thinking about it, now's the time to do it! Come hang out with us under ATWR Podcast, and net yourself some extra content, an adorable postcard, and our eternal gratitude. And now, back to the episode. Normally this is where we would do a listener question. But this is our very first pilot episode, do we wanted to give everyone a sample of what our general advice section is going to look like instead@
Sage:And now we go and talk about communication.
Foxglove:Yeah, everyone's gonna be sick to tears hearing about communication from us.
Sunflower:Yeah, this first episode is really important to talk about the most important part of any relationship, but especially a polyamorous one. And that is definitely communication.
Iris:Absolutely.
Sage:100%.
Foxglove:Yeah, I think part of the reason we felt like we should get it done right off the bat, as it were, is thatdefinitely the most frequent question I field that isn't weird and invasive about polyamory is like, 'How do you make a four-person relationship work?' And I'm like, 'Well, you just kind of have to talk to each other incessantly.' Like that's just sort of the deal.
Iris:About everything all the time.
Foxglove:And I'm sure you guys also field that question.
Sunflower:Yeah. And I think that's usually my first response too is like, 'We just talk about everything.' Like we talk about stuff
Sage:We talk about everything everyday all the time.
Sunflower:Yeah. And it's also just like, we talk about little problems before they're big problems. And I think that's like the big thing too of how we make this work is like, we talk about things before they're an actual issue.
Foxglove:It just saves everyone so much grief down the road if you bring something up when it's an issue of like, 'It would be really great if you did the dishes more' instead of it burning all the way into like, a huge explosion of.. you know,'You don't care about me and you don't pull weight, and like... the way I can prove it is you never do the dishes.'
Sage:Yeah. If you talk about things before they become legal points in an argument, as it were.
Iris:Yeah, yeah, I think one of the biggest things is like, intentional communication, and setting aside time to communicate with each other, you have to be especially intentional in a poly relationship, because of the fact that there are just so many of us. Yeah, you're gonna, you are gonna hear us talk about communication and the different ways to communicate throughout this entire podcast, you're gonna get sick of hearing the word because, I think the thing is that a lot of people will be like, 'Hey, you should communicate more about any relationship!' But you need actual strategies and ways in which to do it. Because we're not taught how to communicate properly. We're not taught how to give a proper apology. We're not taught how to set proper boundaries. We're not taught how to confront somebody when they've done something that has harmed you, even if they didn't mean to. So that's what we're going to be trying to help flesh out and provide over the course of this podcast. But it all comes back to that theme.
Foxglove:Yeah. Basically the only two pieces of advice I give people when they ask me for relationship advice, which... happens to all of us with a weird degree of regularity. Um, but the only two pieces of advice
Sage:Amazing how...
Foxglove:It's, it's almost like people are like, 'Hey, you guys seem to be doing okay at this. And also, you didn't panic when I asked you for advice. So you must be good!'
Iris:And that's why we started a podcast.
Foxglove:That's why we started a podcast. But genuinely, the only two pieces of advice I think I've ever really given about a relationship are either'It sounds like you should talk about that' or, 'It sounds like you should break up.' I don't have any settings other than those two things.
Iris:And we do have more
Sunflower:Those aren't the only two options!
Iris:no, we do have more advice to provide than those two explicit things, but.
Sage:I think for me, the big talking points about communication are being regular and being intentional about it. Regularity, just talking about big stuff, talking about small stuff, just making sure to make space to catch up with however many partners you have every day, to see how their days went, to see if there's anything that they need. And also just making sure toto really engage with whatever conversation you're having, being intentional about it, making sure that you're fully present for whatever they're saying, and you're ready to engage with that as needed.
Foxglove:Yeah. And I think it's also important to admit thatone of those things that people don't generally teach you about communication in any relationship, but especially a romantic one is that, um, sometimes you will hear things that you don't want to hear, sometimes you will say things that you know will upset the other person. And that's part of the deal. Like, obviously, you shouldn't be going into a conversation looking to upset someone, but sometimes you do need to say things like, 'Hey, x thing about the way we operate really doesn't work for me, here are the reasons it doesn't work for me, and I want to fix that.' And that's hard to hear.
Iris:It's also hard to do. It's also hard to do! And we come from this position of likeif... especially a romantic relationship isn't effortless, you're doing it wrong. So people will avoid talking about hard things because they feel like admitting that something is hard means they've failed at having a relationship. And that's just structurally flawed in every way.
Sunflower:It's also like, the hardest conversations to have and to like start and to deal with are usually the ones that are the most important to have. Like, confrontation sucks. No one likes confrontation. But sometimes you have to be the one to be like, 'This isn't working, and we need to talk about it.' And I think that goes back to like what Sage was saying about like regularity, it does make confrontation easier if you have a place to do it. So like, even if that just means that you have dinner every night so that like, you both have a time youboth I say, as you know, with several peopleor what havewhatever situation you have. If you have a regular place that you come to in a forum to talk over without other distractions, it can be a really good place to vent or to talk about something that's bothering you before it gets really bad.
Sage:Absolutely. I thinkit is impossible to overstate the amount that practice makes... well not perfect, but better in this case, just because the more practice you have at talking about hard topics and engaging with people about what they need, the easier it is for everyone involved.
Foxglove:Social skills are a skill.
Sage:Yeah, you just got to practice. There's nothere's no way to get around it.
Iris:Yeah, absolutely. And I think one of the things I just wanted to throw out there is that it's gonna look different depending on the type of relationship you have. If you have a monogamous relationship, if you have a polycule that's structured differently than ourswe have the luxury of we're all nesting partners, we all live together, so
Foxglove:When something's wrong, we can throw like an impromptu meeting about it and just be like, 'Now we're gonna have a conference at the kitchen table.'
Iris:Exactly. So like, you got to figure out how communication works for you and your, your group, your person, whatever it is. But for us, there are two things that I think really are like, central to our communication style. One is the kitchen table. Sun mentioned that meals are a great way to talk to people. And sometimes we like to take our meals on the couch and watch something. But we really take conscious time and effort to at least shoot for every other night being a sit down meal where we all sit across from each other and talk to each other, even if it's just about meaningless stuff. And one of the things that we've seen as a constant theme in our relationship is, we've had two times where we did not have kitchen chairs. Once after we moved into our original house we were sharing in Western Mass., and once when we moved down here to Brooklyn, we had gotten really shitty chairs that were like $30 for a whole set back in
Foxglove:They straight up broke!
Iris:and they broke.
Sage:What was the onethe name that we had for the one that kept collapsing on us? There's like the death chair?
Iris:Oh, it was theit was the guest chair, because we didn't ever have guests, but we suggest
Sage:Is that what we settled on!? We were cruel!
Sunflower:I do want to say, sometimes you buy a $30 set of chairs, because that's what you need to have chairs at your table. So you go to a antique shop and you buy cheap chairs.
Iris:100%!
Sunflower:And you get two years out of them, and you did okay.
Iris:Yeah, well, that was the thing
Sage:You did great.
Iris:that's what we needed at the time, was because we weren't talking, and we didn't realize that at the time. But like, we didn't have a center gathering place. So that was a really big thing early on in our relationship, finally getting those chairs, thank you Sun and Fox for running to the antique shop and getting us $30 chairs.
Foxglove:Got to do what you got to do.
Iris:But then when we moved to New York, yeah, half of them werelike, more than halfthey were they were falling apart at that point!
Foxglove:They were broken.
Iris:Yeah, they were really broken.
Foxglove:They didn't survive the trip in any meaningful way.
Sage:It is a miracle that none of us collapsed to the floor on them at the end, honestly. It's no fault of anyone that got them, but they they had their time.
Foxglove:They were out for blood.
Iris:They were.
Sage:They were, yeah.
Iris:Yeah. But so, when we moved, we got rid of them, and then we didn't have chairs for a while, and we were like, 'Wow, we're all like, a little tense. I mean, yeah, like, we just moved and that's stressful, and there's a lot going on...' But the second we got kitchen chairs again, it was like, h, we can communicate again, because we have that center space that we always come back to, to sit and talk to each other.' So that's a big one.
Sunflower:It was kind of funny, because it was like, instantly we were like, two days later, we were like, 'Oh, we really need to talk about our finances and like, get it together, because that's like a really big form of stress. And like, yeah, one of us is unemployed, but like, we're working on it, and we got this, and we have some leads, and we're working on it and like
Sage:And we got some spreadsheets to calculate our finances.
Foxglove:Adulthood.
Sunflower:Yeah. And it was like, instantly, we like, figured it out, got it together, and were fine.
Iris:Yeah. And then the other big one that I wanted to bring up that I'm sure we're all going to talk a lot about is family meetings. It's something that we do as a group that has worked really well for us. And we have a particular structure that we think works really well.
Sage:Excellent segue,
Iris:Queen of segues.
Foxglove:I think the thing about family meetings is that they're hard to get started. But once you do get started, they take a lot of pressure off of every other interaction. Because the way we tend to structure family meetings is that it's an opportunity for everyone to like, sit down and like, bring something that's stressing them out to the table. And sometimes it's something about what's happening inside the group, like x interaction, or like, y trend is a problem, that likeand here's how it's like, causing me stress or frustration. And sometimes it's just being like, I was in hospital for pneumonia, that kind of sucked. And I haven't really done anything since then. Just as a crazy random example.
Sage:Just saying it again, for the record, practice and repetition make all of this so much easier. Yes, the first couple of times were a little bit rough of getting some things on the tableliterally out on the tablethat we hadn't talked about for a long time and probably should have. That was, you know, we had some like two-hour family meetings where we were just really trying to unpack all of the stuff we'd been holding on to and now, you know, we can start we can just have a family meeting, even if we didn't have one on the schedule, just launch into it and cover all of the stuff that people want to cover. And it's not a big deal.
Iris:100%
Foxglove:Yeah, and we did used to have to schedule them as a way to like, decrease everyone's anxiety about it, because it's really hard to start, it's really hard to start doing them because like, A, the experience of being like, 'Oh, I'm gonna go sit down with a bunch of people who might have things that they are upset with me about, that's scary.' On the other hand being like, 'Ooh, I'm gonna go admit to the people I care about that I have a problem,' and like, trust that they're not going to, you know, bail or yell at me or like, whatever your particular anxiety is, that's also really hard, and having it like, on the schedule, so everyone had like some prep time, and you could like, sit and figure out what you were going to say and like, emotionally center yourself, for it was very necessary for those first couple of months.
Sunflower:Also, we need to backtrack a little bit. So the structure of family meetings. Here's how we run ourshere's how we run ours, we think this could be helpful for you. We did a lot of playing around at first to try to figure out how it best worked out. We do a voluntary'who wants to start?' and that's incredibly important, because you don't want to force somebody to start a family meeting, either. You want it to be a voluntary action that they are starting and sharing with you. And the firstwe take turns around the table, usually in order, not always. And everyone says something that's bothering them or something bad that's happening in their life, something they're stressed about, something that's happened
Iris:A challenge.
Sunflower:A challenge. Thank you. I was like, what, what are these words that are coming up?
Sage:You got there.
Sunflower:And we don'twe do add some like, reactions to it, or maybe like, some advice from each other, or like work on it together. But not really, we try to like get it kind of all out on the table at first. And then, then we kind of deal with it all together in like, a pile. And we like wade through it, and we work on it together. And then to finish our meeting, when we feel like we have come to like a good point with everybody and everyone's feeling pretty good, we do a round a positivity, of things that we're thankful for, or happy that are going well, or just like something good that happened to them that day, just to make sure that like when we leave the table, it isn't left like angry, or upset, or like emotionally broken down or anything bad. And then we can go on with the rest of our night.
Sage:The two bits of that that are super important for me are just being able to talk and no one else engaged with it until you're ready just so you can really clarify everything you're thinking and feeling and not feel like someone is trying to minimize it or fix it. Engage with it until it's really all out there on the table. Yeah, that's a fox. Yeah, just feeling like it's actually all out. But also just going around with the good stuff afterward is super important. Because you can't just it's not good to just have a communications session for lack of a better word. That is just all out negativity, because then you never want to do it again. Yeah, it just drags everyone down. And it's great to have aftercare for lack of a better Yeah,
Unknown:yeah.
Iris:And for a place to feel good about your relationship and about the hard work you're doing. Because communicating with each other. Like that is really, really hard. And it feels really unnatural, especially at first, because we're not taught to do that we're not taught to confront each other about the hard things that we're going through, we're not taught to like, be that vulnerable, and to really put it all on the table. So it really is so important afterwards to come together and just like be positive and talk about how much good things are in our lives as well. And especially like me, as somebody, I have always had a lot of stress, a lot of anxiety, a lot of depression, it really is a very positive way to end the meeting. And also, it's just a positive thing for me in my day to day life is to like Remember to, like have those moments of acknowledging the positives, not just focusing on the negatives.
Foxglove:Yeah, I likewise have always really struggled with depression, it runs pretty heavily in my family. And like, one of the things my mom always taught me as a kid was like, even if you're like, positive thing for the day was like, I saw a rabbit. It was pretty cute. That's cool. That's fine. That's a positive thing. And like this family meeting structure is is basically that sized up to an adult, and I do recommend it. Yeah,
Sunflower:I also want to say something that's really important to family meetings is if you are doing the room regularly, especially when you first start, keep them, don't just cancel them. Especially like if you're talking between you and your partner or partners. And you have like, I don't have anything bad that I feel like I need to talk about right now and like near me, so I just don't want to do it this time. Like I just don't want to do it this week and everything. don't cancel. Don't give into that instinct. Yeah, don't get into that instinct. Just let it happen. And even if you have nothing to say that might have been the opportunity that your partner was waiting for, to tell you something that's really important. I actually haven't named this on the podcast. Yeah. I have PTSD and some trauma. And sometimes it takes a lot to like really talk about some of the stuff that's going on if it's like night terrors or whatever's happening that day. I wouldn't have talked about it. But we had a family meeting. And I was like, You know what, this has actually been really bothering me and distracting me from our relationship and from my life. And like, I, I would like you guys to know that and like, I don't need anything from you, because I have my therapist who's gonna, you know, give me some support on this whole thing. But like, I need you to know. That's it. That's where my mind is that this week, and I just need you to know that. And sometimes that's all you need. Absolutely. Yeah,
Unknown:yeah,
Iris:I and I think that is a really, really important thing to talk about is that, once they're on the calendar, keep them on the calendar. Because even sometimes we have family meetings. And I'm like, Oh, I don't know if I really have anything to talk about. And I start talking. And like, it is just a really good space to just like, take a step back, look at the big picture and be like, okay, what's really bothering me right now, even if and a lot of times, it really isn't about the relationship, but sometimes it is. And both are really important and really good to just like, have a space to talk about how you're doing, how you're feeling, and how you're operating as a relationship.
Sunflower:But yeah, and I do want to I want to mark, somebody you said to like, it doesn't always have to be about your relationship. No, like family meetings aren't always about your relationship as a whole or something going wrong in your relationship or with your partner. Like, sometimes it's about you. Yeah, like, sometimes you're struggling with something personally, and they can or cannot help, but you just need them to know. Yeah,
Iris:I'd venture to say that it's it's frequently not about the relationship itself. You know, that's true. Yeah. Hey, guys,
Sage:my job sucks. And I need to get out. How do we manage that? Or can we? Yeah, like, Yeah.
Sunflower:Can we financially support you quitting your job? Because it's incredibly toxic? Yeah.
Foxglove:Yeah. Or like, or, like, you know, I, I had to leave my job because it was doing some pretty extensive harm to me, on a physical level. Also, I worked with a bunch of trans folks. But on a physical level, I dislocated a bunch of joints. And like, you know, that was like a show up to a family meeting and be like, I, I'm in so much pain all the time because of this job. Like, I don't have to quit it would not kill me to stay. But like, I need to know if we can handle me leaving. And like, that's, that's the other thing that family meetings are good for, is it's an opportunity for you to be able to be like, yeah, okay, here's the thing that's stressing me out. It's not your guys's fault, but it is going to impact you guys pretty impressively, when I like, leave my job or whatever.
Iris:I think at the end of the day, one of the biggest things is that like, we really subscribe to the belief that relationships are partnerships, especially like long term committed romantic relationships, their partnerships, and that means that you bring all your shit to the table, and you work on it together and you do the work you have to do alone, because there is a lot of internal work that you have to do on your own. But it's a good space to like, continuously come back to the table and brief each other on the work that you're doing separately, and the work that you're doing together. And really just learn and grow together.
Sage:The feeling of being in it together in these family meetings, and when we talk generally is just what grounds all of us, I think, and I know that pretty much every family meeting we have I come away from it thinking, Man, this is really great. I really love you guys. And we're doing a great job.
Unknown:Yeah,
Iris:that's the thing. Yes, it should. I mean, like, it's, it's hard. And especially the first couple can be really rough emotionally. It can be hard, but like, I I like our family meetings and like that's the point you should get to eventually is like you should enjoy, it should be a good space to come to even if you talk about hard things.
Sunflower:Yeah, like it's, it should be a supportive and good place for you to be to be in
Foxglove:together, it should feel like an opportunity to take care of your partner. Yes. And be taken care of in return.
Sunflower:And to come up with a better understanding of your partner and yourself is a really beautiful thing of like, I understand what they're going through in a much more intimate way. And that's, it's, it's, it's amazing. It's really, really amazing. Yeah,
Iris:favorite thing of our relationship. Definitely.
Sunflower:That's your favorite thing of our relationship.
Iris:It's definitely up there. No, I'm gonna walk it back. But no, I really love the fact that we intentionally communicate. Yeah, I'll save that.
Sunflower:I think I really like our family dinners, our family dinners, our
Iris:family dinners. We do a lot of home cooking and talking to each other just casually as well. And I love it. I love it.
Sage:I don't know if I call it favorite. But I'd said I definitely say most important. That's
Iris:fair. I don't know. It's fair. I like other things about a relationship better, probably. But I think it's one of the most important parts. Definitely.
Sage:Yeah, it's just, it's just so different than any other relationship that I've been in. And it took me a while to appreciate just how thoroughly it changed the game for for all of us and collectively as a unit just because like I've had kind of a mishmash of influences when it comes to communication in my life. And there's some things that I do decently at and other things that I really had a blind spot to and it's all kind of evened out after talking with everyone regularly and I I feel like all y'all have come out of it. same word. Absolutely.
Unknown:I mean, yeah, you are not alone. And that's like something that you should always feel in a relationship is that is that you are not alone in this and you are not carrying this weight alone. And that's something that like, I think is really important, just like in any relationship, not just romantic, or sexual relationships. But yeah, you should just feel your relationships exist to support you, and so that you can support other people. And if you aren't putting in the work, you don't get that benefit, stir. And communication is sort of the end all be all of it.
Sage:And also if the other person isn't putting in the work to that also true.
Iris:Yep.
Sunflower:Yeah. And like, you should never feel like you had to fix something on your own. Yeah, yeah. If it's not just you in the relationship, you're not on your own, or you shouldn't be Yeah,
Iris:apparently Fox only gives two pieces of relationship advice. And that's the other half is either talk or breakup.
Sage:Yes,
Iris:they should like you as they don't break up, I
Foxglove:guess. It's the only relationship advice. It's the only relationship advice. It
Sage:really does kind of boil down to the
Foxglove:The answer is never like go through your partner's phone. The answer is never like, you know, it's always just talk about the thing with them, or leave their ass. Yeah, I'm not wrong. You're not. I would classify this kind of communication as every relationship. Yeah. Anytime someone is not actively toxic to you, then you should be operating on a certain level of we're going to talk about problems before they make me want to kill you in your sleep. True.
Iris:Yeah.
Sunflower:That was a beautiful wrap up. Do we have anything else?
Sage:kill you in your sleep? Is that really?
Iris:I think the actual TLDR of this conversation is communication. Can't say it. Okay. Communication is important. A try to figure out a regular communication method, whether it's a family meeting, or sitting down for dinner every night or group chat or figure out what works for you and do it. Yeah,
Sunflower:yeah. And keep doing it over and over.
Sage:Keep doing it is really the important part forever. And yeah, it's, that's, I think, if there's one last contribution I can make is there is no end point here, like there, you're never gonna fix everything.
Foxglove:You never level up your relationship past needing to work on it.
Sage:Yeah, you just have to realize going into if you're going to have a relationship of any kind, this is how it's going to be and it will get easier, like your conversations will probably get shorter as times Go on, because you understand more about that person. And you'll have talked through all of the really hairy and serious shit that you have to get out of the way early into any relationship where you really don't know someone, but you just have to keep going. Because that's what a relationship is. Yeah.
Iris:You're always growing. You're always evolving together. And that's the coolest thing ever.
Sunflower:Yeah. And that's an important thing that people don't tell you to is that people are constantly changing entity. So like these conversations are never going to be less VAT like less valuable as you go on and everything like it's always really important.
Foxglove:Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. Do we feel good about that?
Sage:Yeah, that was really good. I liked that.
Unknown:It was good. It was
Foxglove:Yeah, this was good.
Sunflower:All right. Outro. All right. That's us the crop Well, first and foremost, a huge thank you to Molly of geography for the use of her song Cano hockey bloom for music. I love her music is amazing. And you should absolutely go listen to it on Spotify or anywhere else you listen to music. You can find us on Twitter or Instagram at at wr underscore podcast, on Tumblr at Quaple. Network, or even on email at the Quaple network@gmail.com. Tell us a question or device topic we love hearing from you. And check out our Patreon at the at wr podcast tip Fox for the amazing edited work they do. If you love our podcast, please share with your friends and leave a comment wherever you listen and remember, we believe in you bye bye