And They Were Roommates

3: Dates and What To Do On Them

February 04, 2021 Quaple Network Season 1 Episode 3
And They Were Roommates
3: Dates and What To Do On Them
Show Notes Transcript

Join us this episode for our talk about the importance of dates! We brainstorm some excellent date ideas and give a media recommendation for one of our very favorite TV shows: Sense8! We also answer a listener question on talking to non-polyamorous people about polyamory and coming out. 

If you loved this episode, please subscribe, tell your friends, and leave a comment! Want to help pay Foxglove and get access to amazing bonus content? Consider joining our fan community on Patreon. You can also find us on Instagram, Tumblr, and Twitter.

We answer at least one listener question every episode. You can email us at quaplenetwork@gmail.com with your questions about life, relationships, polyamory,  or even a specific weird situation you need help with. As patrons your questions get moved to the top of the stack. We are looking forward to answering your questions and doing our level best to give you good advice!

A big thank to molly ofgeography for the use her song Hanahaki (Bloom) for our music.

And remember, we believe in you!

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Foxglove:

Hey there folks, I'm Foxglove.

Sage:

I'm Sage.

Sunflower:

I'm Sunflower!

Iris:

And I'm Iris.

Foxglove:

And this is And They Were Roommates, a podcast about modern life, love and everything in between.

Sage: Disclaimer:

we are not experts at being adults, we have just lived through a lot. This week we will be talking about why dates are important for poly people and monogamous people, and telling people you're poly.

Foxglove:

Alright, so for date nights. It bears mentioning, right off the bat, that obviously there are four of us in a closed group, and we all live together, which offers a certain degree of convenience for date nights that I assume other people with different configurations, whether it's a monogamous couple who doesn't live together or a poly unit that has like, more partners in a more spiderweb configuration do not have.

Sunflower:

I like the spider web connotation.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sage:

Let's not go back to the spider thing again.

Sunflower:

Oh god true...

Iris:

No! More! Spiders!

Sage:

In all honesty, though, being a closed unit of four may have challenges in some areas, but it is super convenient when trying to find time to do things with all the rest of your partners, whether that's in a group of four, group of three, or doing it in pairs.

Iris:

Yeah, especially because we can literally pair off and then just swap. So that's how we actually do individual date nights sometimes, is we literally break off into twos, and then we just swap partners. And we usually do it with our non-anchor partners. Because we obviously have the most time that we spend with our anchor partners traditionally. So, it gives us the opportunity to spend time with our other partners.

Sunflower:

It's also kind of nice, because like, the night before, because we all live together, we can be like, 'We don't have anything planned for Saturday during the day, do we want to spend like, two to four hours with each individual person and then do swapsies?' Because like, it's just as easy as that. And it doesn't require a ton of like, travel planning or figuring out like, where we're gonna meet and everything because it's like, we're gonna take the living room for four hours, and y'all can be in one of the bedrooms.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sage:

You have options.

Foxglove:

High level of convenience.

Sunflower:

Yeah.

Iris:

However, we do have some notes that could be applicable for everyone. For example, date nights are universally important. Even if you do live with a partner, or have partners that a lot of people in the poly community call nesting partnersliterally the people you live withit's still really important that you take intentional time with them outside of just the normal... like, I have to see them every single day because it is lockdown in COVID times and I am forced to live with them 24/7 on top of each other. It's still important to take intentional time together as a date. Or even if you have kids, or etc. It's not just spending time in the same room together because you happen to live together, it's taking intentional time to like invest in your romantic partner.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and something that's super important with dates and everything too, is the planning aspect of it. And like, taking that time to like, make something that you guys will both really enjoy. And if that's like one person planning for both of you, or both of you sitting down and planning something before taking the time to really like, think through what you'd want to logically do together is super important.

Sage:

Just being able to take a moment and say, 'I'm going to put my phone down, I'm going to put all the stuff that I'm working on away, and this is going to be about us being together and doing something that we both enjoy,' and just sharing that, and that being all. Like that's, especially with all of the stuff that.. you know, people generally but also us collectively, more specifically have going on in our lives, it's nice to just have that period of like, 'No, like, you're my focus right now.' And I think that's really beautiful.

Foxglove:

Yeah. And it's, it's it's a way to indicate that the person in question matters to you. And I know it's a, it's a really common... I don't know if stereotype is the word I'm looking for, but it's it's a common phenomenon in relationships where once you've been together for X amount of time and you've lived together for Y amount of time, date nights become something where people tend to write them off as like, not important as like, with this attitude of like, you date someone to convince them to get to this stage in the relationship, and then once you've gotten them there you're good.

Iris:

Fuck that!

Sage:

Which is just such a wild... like, what even is that?

Foxglove:

Bonkers!

Sunflower:

Well I think it's like a (?)over from like, courting rituals and such? Like you only put in so much effort in the beginning and like once you're married, you're like, good to go.

Iris:

Fuck that. Also, I want you all to know that I don't care if we're like, little old folks in a nursing home or something someday, I'm still going to expect fucking date nights like 60 years from now. I just want that on the table right now.

Sage:

We would expect nothing less.

Sunflower:

Yeah

Foxglove:

Naturally.

Sunflower:

and occasional flowers, because I don't think anybody talks about how important it is just to likewhen you randomly drop by the store at night to pick up like... usually ours is tomatoes for taco night. Butyeah, is like, grabbing something that makes

Foxglove:

Constantly. your partners happy. And like ,in our house, often it is like KitKats, or Reese's, or like something really small that's like $2 or something. But it's really just an indication of being like, 'I was somewhere and saw this, and I know you love it, so I got it just for you.' Yeah, and date nights are really an extension of that, like, it's an opportunity to like spend time with your partner, yeah, but it's also an important part of showing your partner that you care about them and that you like, want to spend that time with them. And... I don't know, it's been pandemic o'clock for the past several months now? And I know a lot of couples who are kind of falling apart. And a big part of it is because like, there does seem to be this attitude of like, we all... like we're spending all our time together, you know, we live together and we have to be all over each other. And we have been for eight months so like, we don't have to dedicate time to being together on purpose. And there is a huge difference between those two things.

Sage:

And also speaking about the the purpose and the intentionality again, one of the challenges earlier in my and Sun's relationship is I had a job at Hell, as has been stated before, where my phone was ringing all the time, or I had to constantly be checking it for updates from the shop. And being able to take time specifically where I could take my phone and put it in a place where I couldn't get to it, or where at least I wasn't checking it every like, two minutes, which was a thing that I definitely did at the time, was a super rare thing early in our relationship. And especially as I finally got out of Hell, which... man, naming it Hell was really just a great decision, wasn't it?

Quaple Network:

Yeah.

Sage:

I've grown to appreciate that time, and the intentionality of having dates without any distractions, in a way that I really couldn't when I still had that job, and I don't think the novelty of that is ever gonna wear off.

Sunflower:

Yeah, I remember even like the few times where like, I don't know, like it would be our anniversary or like a birthday or what have you. And like, Iris wasn'twe weren't like a poly group, but Iris was like a bestie. So, they would go to work that night, and if they were at work, and we had a date night plan, they'd be like, 'I'm gonna work. And you can turn your phone off, and I will take care of it. The place may be on fire, but I will figure it out. And like, you guys need to go on a fucking date night, please.'

Sage:

The number of times where we would be on a date or something, and I would get a phone call and be like, 'Oh, hopefully it's something minor,' and then it's like, 'The freezer turned off,' or 'The ceiling caved in,' or, 'Hey, there's a GAS LEAK.'

Foxglove:

It was always a disaster!

Sage:

Yeah, it was always something where it was like, 'Well, I guess when we're done with dinner, we're both going to head over to the shop and figure out how to solve this exciting new problem.'

Sunflower:

Yeah, the amount of times that I have actually, like, by accident, served ice cream in high heels is really disturbing to me. Like, I guess we're just gonna do it.

Foxglove:

The first time we took a vacation as a group, night of the first day, like there was a phone call that was like, 'Hey, no, like something is really kind of a mess, how bad does this need to get before like, we ask you to come home from your vacation to fix it?' And so like, the opportunity to spend dedicated time withespecially if you have a job that's like, that demanding or you have a job that takes up a lot of your time, the opportunity to like, have that dedicated timeframe of 'I'm gonna pay attention to you and I'm not going to be thinking about work or other obligations for even just an hour' is so valuable to like, making sure that the people in your relationship or person in your relationship feels valued.

Iris:

Yeah. And also, talking about more spread-out polycules that are in a closed group, this still really applies. And it's still really important to figure out the different levels of investment every single person needs. Because every relationship obviously looks different. If you have a kid with somebody, it looks different than if they're a brand-new relationship, it looks different if you live far away, or if you live close, or all of these different factors that we don't personally have to deal with because we are in a closed group of four and we're also nesting partners. We don't have to deal with that level of stuff. But it's still really important to take the time to like, discuss these things with all of your different partners and make sure everybody's getting enough date nights, getting enough time together.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and everybody is really different with like, how much they need and we've talked about this before with like affection and such, but even like, personal quality time is incredibly important because like there are some people that like, you know, just watching a movie quietly and having popcorn like, is a date night enough, and like that's, that totally works. And then there are some people who really need a personal like, one-on-one talking over dinner because that feels like, more intimate or more like a date to them. And like those things are something that are really important to talk about. Because like if you guys are not on the same page with what a date actually is, you might not be speaking the same language.

Sage:

Speaking of doing movie nights, do we want to talk about our collective movie nights? Because I think that's a good lead in to that topic.

Iris:

I love our movie nights.

Foxglove:

Our movie nights were a great idea, I'm so proud of us. So

Sunflower:

Who wants to talk about it?

Foxglove:

I will! So the way, th way we do movie nights as group of four is, one of he issues we realized we were k nd of running into was that we. . we were all kind of insecure bout sharing media we liked wit the group, because we didn't wa t to make everyone watch some hing that we didn't know for sure they were going to enjoy.

Sage:

Which is a larger problem when it's a group of four and not just one other person.

Foxglove:

Exactly. Because it turns into this like, static 'We're gonna rewatch Brooklyn Nine Nine 'til we all die, are we good?' which is great and all, but, you know, man cannot live on Brooklyn Nine Nine alone. And so what we decided to start doing is that every week on Sundays, we have a dedicated time in the evening where we watch A Movie, and then we rotate through the group, and everyone gets a chance each month to pick a movie with more or less unilateral power to choose. There are caveats to this, if you are going to be the one picking the movie you have to be able to find the movie and produce the movie for the group and like, make sure that everyone has access to it. And you have to be able to give trigger warnings and make sure that if there's anything involved that people are really profoundly uncomfortable with then the movie can be reconsidered. But it means that everyone gets a chance to like, share media they like with everyone else. And it also means that even on weeks where people are too fried from like, having to finagle regular life or like there's too much going on or whatever, where we can't have a real date night, we still have that opportunity every week to like, be together and share something and like, engage in an activity together for fun. Um, and it means that A, you get the opportunity to force your partners on their own word, to watch something that may or may not be a good movieSun, for you specifically.

Sunflower:

You're so mean to me personally. Yeah

Sage:

You wannayou want to elaborate on what movie

Sunflower:

No no no

Sage:

that Fox is referencing?

Sunflower:

I got this. This is the most important when you, self-proclaimed, have bad taste in media. I love terrible movies. I love like, cult classics. And my first movie that I brought up to movie night was The Room, which if you don't know, you should watch it. Because it's incredibly important

Foxglove:

You shouldn't watch it.

Sunflower:

to me, for them to understand when I make references to this movie kind of semi constantly, that like, what it actually is. So it was a really exciting opportunity to be like, 'This is a terrible movie, and like, I really want you guys to watch it and like, there's no good actually reason for them not to watch it, so we're gonna watch it.' I do also want to flag really quickly

Sage:

It's an experience.

Sunflower:

cuz like, we always use the word like, 'We're gonna force our partners to watch a thing.' But I do want to say that like, we as well as other people, if they're going to do something like this, do not force our partners to watch something that they would be uncomfortable with. We all have hard stops and things that we will not watch. And there are some things where like, 'Ooh, this movie, like borders on one of my like, triggers or something that will bother me, but if I know it's coming, it's fine.' But there are some things that we do not watch movies with, like X thing. And that's an important conversation to have before you start something like this.

Foxglove:

Ahead of time. Because it means that you have the ability to make your partner to like sit down and be like, 'Hey, this movie was made in 1956' or whenever The Court Jester was made, which was the first movie I rolled up with, um, and I was like, 'This movie was made i like, 1956, so it's deeply deeply weird,' and like, have a degree of security in makin

Sage:

And one of the things that makes this whole process easier everyone watch a deeply weir movie without worrying that was going to like, do harm. And you know, that, that conversatio ahead of time of like, 'Oka , what are, what are everyon 's hard stops on media, we're go ng to have all of these kind of on the table. And then every t me we bring up a movie, we're go ng to be like, 'Hey, just YI, there's like, XYZ thing, or like this movie was made in 200 , so there's like, some sex sm or whatever.' That's an im ortant part of this process. I means you can make your pa tner's watch a terrible mov e with total enthusiasm. But it s also important to like, go into it with a clear head on al is the planning and the repetition of it along with a lot of things that we do like, like family meetings, for instance. You go into it knowing 'This is a space where I'm going to experience something that might not be exactly to my taste, but this is something that my partner feels really strongly about, and I want to understand them better by experiencing it alongside them and listening to them talk about it and get excited about it.' And the more you do it, and the more you find your horizons broadened, the more open you might be to some stuff that's a little bit out of your normal comfort zone. Obviously not, not too far out, like there's, as we've said, some hard stops that we just don't want to trespass, but some stuff that maybe just isn't something that you have considered before. And then maybe you realize that you like it, and then you have a whole other genre to explore.

Iris:

Exactly. And I think it's also really important that the way that this functions is it is like a mutually shared agreement to go in with an open mind, but also be rotated. And that's like, the most important part to me, is that it's not really that we're forcing each other to watch these movies, it's that we're allowing ourselves to bring things to the table that we otherwise wouldn't have. And everybody else is coming in with an open mind. And we're able to do that because we all have an equal opportunity, because with four of us once a month we each get this opportunity to bring something to the table. And it's this shared agreement that we're all going to just go in with an open mind and have fun with it.

Sage:

Yeah, I mean, this all did just sort of spring from that one conversation where we were all like, 'Hey, there's a lot of stuff that like, we collectively like individually that we haven't been sharing, and like maybe we should figure out a way to do better with that and try to introduce each other to the stuff that we really like.'

Foxglove:

Yeah, and I think this is a good opportunity to address... it was mentioned earlier, we talked about the importance of like, date nights being focused on the person in question or focused on the activity you're doing kind of occasion? This is also one of those things where like, there's a certain degree of accommodation that is necessary for that, specifically, normally, for movie nights phones are not allowed. If I sit down and watch a movie for an hour and a half to two and a half hours doing nothing, I will crawl out of my skin and my skeleton will scuttle off across the Brooklyn roofline.

Iris:

Terrible.

Foxglove:

In search of something to do.

Sunflower:

The imagery is just bad!

Sage:

I don't know what the noise I just made was. Happy Halloween everybody.

Foxglove:

Happy Halloween! We're recording this on October 31st.

Sunflower:

Yeah, like we're gonna post this in December, but it was recorded on Halloween. So I guess we're gonna make horrible references to terrible things.

Iris:

Yeah. Fox has ADHD. And

Foxglove:

I do.

Iris:

that is why.

Foxglove:

Um, specifically, I have, I have Combined Type, which means that I tend to really struggle to sit still, and I struggle to focus on one thing for an extended period of time. And so the way we have kind of gotten around that is that tech is allowed if you need something to do with your hands, as long as you're not doing something distracting. Like, um, I am playing a match-three game on my phone right now while we record because otherwise, I can't like, follow a thought to its conclusion. And so like, the ability to accommodate that and talk about it honestly so that everyone else doesn't feel like I'm ignoring them, and I also don't feel like I am obligated to sit there and vibrate out of my skin so that I, I don't make them feel ignored means that everyone's a lot happier and more at ease during movie night.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and the important thing is, like we all know, and like have a mutual agreement that like we are going to watch the movie, we're not going to do something that would make us not be able to like follow the movie and like give it like, a good old college try. And like most of the time, that does mean that like not all these movies are everybody's tastes and everything. But for the most part, a lot of these movies were like, 'Well, I would have never watched that on my own. But it was a pretty good movie!'

Foxglove:

Yeah, absolutely. Like Jennifer's Body for some reason that just like, that entire cultural phenomenon missed me. That was a lot of fun!

Iris:

Yeah, right? Bad media is good media.

Foxglove:

Jennifer's body is just good media.

Sage:

So one of the things that we brought up earlier in the episode is the distinction between, we've got date nights that we do all the four of us, and that's stuff like movie night on a smaller scale. We have some more involved ones where we do themed date nights. But we also do stuff one-on-one where we share things that maybe not everyone in the group feels as strongly interested in. Like if there's a specific type of media that any two of us are really invested in, or a video game that we really want to share, or some music that we're both really passionate about, it's a good opportunity to break out from the larger group and experience that on, on a deeper level and share that.

Iris:

Yeah, and I think something I want to just do a little corner on is like, date night ideas. So here's my top two tips for date nights is for individual dates, really do focus on something that you have a shared interest with whatever partner you're planning a date with, that you don't have with another partner or with another friend or something, something that you know both of you are super interested in that you don't get to like, enjoy and engage with. So like, pick that one thing and then just go wild with that and plan the whole date around it. Because it's like a really easy go-to date night when you have no other ideas. And for group dates, Sage just mentioned themed date nights, we recently did a Mob theme night where we all got

Foxglove:

It was so good!

Iris:

So fun. We all got dressed up in really fancy outfits, we played poker, we played blackjack. We really had a amazing time. We made like fancy mixed drinks

Sage:

Played some truly excellent music as well. What was the name of the Postmodern Jukebox. band we listened to? There we go.

Foxglove:

We were looking for something that had like 40s vibes, but wasn't just straight jazz music so that I in particular didn't take an unprompted nap, which is very common when I listen to jazz music for some reason. And so we listen to like, Toxic, but as like a 40s like, speakeasy song.

Iris:

It was a lot of fun. And like, especially right now, during COVID I think that themed nights are a really fun way to do a date that is still inside in your own environment in the same place you always do date nights right now, but feels completely new and different.

Sunflower:

Yeah. Are we allowed to plug brands so maybe they'll sponsor us someday?

Foxglove:

Yeah, sponsor us!

Sunflower:

Because we should plug the Adventure Challenge, because the adventure challenges goddamn amazing. And I would love for them to sponsor us. Their dates are so much fun, they're definitely things you would never think of on your own, and they're also like broken down by category. Strongly recommend the Adventure Challenge books. There's a couples one, a family one, and a friends one. And they're all excellent.

Sage:

And like on one hand, we should absolutely repeat the Mob night because it was a ton of fun, and I need to redeem myself in poker because I almost won last time.

Iris:

I think I won?

Foxglove:

I want to be allowed to play Blackjack!

Sage:

You won by a lot.

Foxglove:

Let me play Blackjack. We can play with like, six decks.

Iris:

Fox counts cards.

Sage:

Anyway. Mythe point that I was gonna make is we should absolutely repeat Mob night, but we should also do like, six of the otherthe other ideas, because we really, it's been too long.

Iris:

Yeah, absolutely.

Sunflower:

Yeah, I alsodo we want to do like a little bit of like a popcorn-style like, some individual dates that we've done? In case people are like really struggling for ideas? So like, I can start, Iris and I usually scour the discount area on like, the Nintendo Switch games, and try to find the like, one or two 2-player games. So like, we usually play like puzzles and platformers that require collaboration and not competition. And that's what we usually do for our like, shorter date nights. And that's super.

Iris:

Yeah, that's a lot of fun. Yeah, I love that. Sage and I recently did a date night where we just both picked an album to show each other, and we just like

Sage:

That was a lot of fun.

Iris:

Yeah, we just sat in front of like our big really fancy speakers and just like, listened to it and looked at lyrics if that was relevant, and just like, enjoyed the music in the way that the other person typically enjoys music. And that was super fun to talk about.

Sage:

It's reallydespite the fact that we have like a pretty nice media setup in the house, the amount of time that we like collectively or individually just like sit and listen to music and do nothing else is likeit just doesn't happen a lot. And especiallyand it's really nice to just be able to experience an album from start to finish, and not get distracted by anything else, not be working during it, not be doing some side projects just like really, like, dig deep into the whole album.

Foxglove:

You're both such nerds.

Sage:

Oh

Iris:

Fuck off!

Foxglove:

Oh no it's delightful! I want to listen to you talk about this forever!

Sage:

I don't even have a response for that.

Foxglove:

It's delightful.

Sage:

You're so rude.

Foxglove:

Oh, but you're so cute, though.

Sunflower:

We don't fawn over each other enough on here.

Foxglove:

We'd

Sunflower:

Let it happen.

Foxglove:

I'm just, I'm genuinely so charmed by listening to you guys talk about like, musical theory and stuff because I don't know fuck all about it.

Sage:

I mean what makes you think I know anything about it? I just enjoy listening to music.

Sunflower:

Well, and this is like a good part of it too because like, Fox and I on our own would probably not do that as an activity because the two of us are not very good at sitting still. So like, important things to know. Alright, Fox you gotta give ,give one of the ideas.

Foxglove:

Yeah, when Sun and I have time to kill and we want to do a date that's just like the two of us hanging out, we watch cooking competition shows and drink a lot of wine. And that's just what we do. And it sometimes turns into like, conversations, and sometimes it's just the two of us dunking on people for trying to make ice cream.

Sunflower:

No, a risotto!

Sage:

You can't do it in thirty minutes!

Sunflower:

You do not make a risotto in thirty minutes!

Foxglove:

And, like on the one hand it'sit sounds like a very passive activity, but on the other hand, it genuinely brings me so much joy.

Sunflower:

We're usually pretty engaged. I gotta say.

Foxglove:

We are. We're very... we watch cooking shows the way like, most dudes watch football. Like that's about the level of investment.

Sage:

Full commentary.

Iris:

I don't like watching cooking shows on my own, but I enjoy watching Fox and Sun watch cooking shows, like that's a pastime I enjoy is like, I will sit there with them and I'll do something kind of different while I sit and watch them watching cooking shows because I just am there for the commentary.

Sage:

My favorite thing is just like, their collective knowledge about it is so deep now having watched like all of Chopped and all of Cutthroat Kitchen that it's just like, they're making these references to like specific episodes of like seasonseasons past about like, 'Oh, this person tried this thing this one time with this other person, but they're doing it this way, which means they're totally gonna fail and crash and burn.'

Iris:

Yeah, no, it's like watching a sports commentator.

Sage:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

I mean, like, how do you youcan't just hate Cutthroat Kitchen.

Foxglove:

Exactly.

Iris:

No, it's a lot of fun.

Sage:

So fun.

Iris:

I also just wanted to throw out there aswhile we're still popcorpopcorning date night ideas, board games and tabletop RPGs are great for just hanging out with a group of people regardless of its, if it's a romantic partner, or a friend or whatever, we're a big board game house because it's like

Foxglove:

We have a massive collection.

Iris:

that's a... yeah, we have a massive collection of board games, because it's something to do that's really engaging and is really like, everybody disconnecting from technology and really focusing on something. But it also like, leaves you space to talk and hang out.

Foxglove:

Yeah.

Sunflower:

Sage, you got to do your one-on-one date night idea.

Sage:

Yeah, no, I was I was gonna. I was gonna say, speaking of all of the food things that you guys just mentioned, mine is like a little bit different. But it's uh... I love, I love food in all of its forms. And specifically, I love going out and finding the weirdest thing on the menu, and eating that, and specifically getting a lot of stuff between two people. And being like, 'Ooh, I'm gonna take that off of your plate and try that, and you can try some of mine, and we can trade back and forth.' And just like, we live in New York City, the restaurant scene is incredible, restaurants change by the week. So you might have a place down the block from you that's one thing and then two weeks later, it's something completely different than... it might have been so-so and now it's amazing. And the number of places that you can just walk to and have an incredible experience with something that you've never tasted before with a cuisine from a country that you've never tried. That's something that I really enjoy sharing with people. And I know, especially Sun and I have gone on a lot of those dates throughout our relationship. And it's been really a cornerstone that we've enjoyed together.

Foxglove:

I mean, you also introduced me to the concept of steak at the start of our relationship.

Sage:

Okay, that's just still the wildest shit to me, Fox, that you couldlike, especially with all of theyou need steak to function!

Foxglove:

I do, I'm very protein deficient all the time. But yeah, no, like I distinctly remember the first time the four of us went on like, a group date, we went to like a fancy restaurant, and like, Sage got steak, and I was like, 'I've never had steak before.' And he was like, 'Okay, we're gonna pause everything, you're gonna try a piece of my steak.'

Iris:

It's really good.

Sunflower:

And I think that's the bestthat's also the great part about going on dates with like four of us, because we all get to get like, different things. And you can get something that's like, kind of safe for you but also try all the things? Honestly, one of the perks of being poly four different meals and four different desserts and everyone gets to eat everything. Because they HAVE to let me.

Iris:

Downsides of being poly, you have to pay for all of that food.

Foxglove:

Yeah. Oh, that's so real.

Iris:

Our grocery bill is a nightmare.

Sage:

Downsides to being poly, people stealing incessantly off of everybody's plate all the time when there's good shit on the table.

Sunflower:

Yep.

Foxglove:

I love you too!

Sage:

Fox I see you smiling. I see you.

Sunflower:

Everything's a shareable meal if you try hard enough.

Iris:

One last thing! Cooking and baking together. Love it.

Foxglove:

Yes!

Sage:

Absolutely.

Foxglove:

Yeah, that's actually something that Iris and I do as a date night a lot. We were, you know, locked inside for our anniversary this year. So I was just like, 'Alright, I'm gonna spend eight hours making like, four different kinds of Indian food, do you want to just like, pull a chair into the kitchen and hang out with me and we can like, blast music and it'll be a good time?' And like, genuinely, that was really, really fun.

Iris:

It was a wonderful date!

Sunflower:

And it's even like, if you're not a great baker and everything too, you can still bake like boxed cake or brownies or what have you. And it's still like, you get to do a thing together, that's kind of cute. And then you have to wait while it's cooking, and then you get to share it together and it's great.

Iris:

Yeah, and there's a lot of time to do other stuff in between. Or you could just play assistant to a partner who does like to bake.

Sunflower:

Yeah!

Sage:

The convenience of just having like a small excuse to spend time together and like do something mildly distracting while also talking about whatever comes to mind. It's justit's great.

Foxglove:

We've really gotten into group cooking since quarantine started, because like...

Sage:

I mean as much as we can, in our tiny little kitchen.

Foxglove:

We can fit two and a half people in our kitchen.

Sage:

Official figure.

Iris:

Fox is the only one who counts as half, because they're so small.

Foxglove:

I'm very small. But so we've really kind of gotten into that because you know, we do like going out for dinners and like trying new places and like, you know, going to a family style Italian restaurant and being like, 'We're gonna get enough food for EIGHT people and have leftovers for three days,' but we can't do that. So we just kind of got in the habit of being like, 'We're gonna make tacos and it's gonna be kind of like a family activity.' And honestly, it's been really good.

Sunflower:

Yeah, dates don't have to be complicomplicated and it doesn't have to necessarily be like, date framed. Intentional time in the same space talking or hanging out or being near each other. And like making the active effort to be there and be present is valuable time. Yeah.

Foxglove:

So this week for our mmm hmm, intermission question mark during this week's intermission situation here, we're gonna do a meteor recommendation because we're figuring we can kind of switch it up. And this week we're going to talk about one of our very favorite pieces of media as a group which is sensate. Oh, yeah, it is on Netflix. It is exceptional, and it was unfairly cut down before its time. True. So initially, a little bit of a summary is the broad description of sensate is that it is it's a TV series about eight people who discovered they share a psychic link, and they can travel across the world to be with each other, and figure out how to solve the overarching problem of being hunted down by people who specialize in killing this specific kind of psychic linked person. That being said, we sat down and did a count before this episode of all of the genres present just in the first season of this show.

Iris:

It's a lot. They do a good job of meshing all of these different plot lines and story types together. It's it's

Sage:

honestly,

Foxglove:

it's genuinely one of the best put together TV series I've ever seen in my life. It's made by the koski sisters who you might also know as the people who made the matrix or Jupiter Ascending, or V for Vendetta. Yeah. Anyway, the list of genres that we came up with, there's a martial arts movie in Nairobi. There's a crime thriller taking place in Seoul. There's a heist action movie taking place in Germany in Berlin, Berlin. Yeah, there's a Bollywood romance taking place in Mumbai. There's a police procedural taking place in Chicago, there's a hacker dystopia taking place in San Francisco, there's a like finding yourself movie taking place in London and Iceland. There's a telenovela slash, like queer movie taking place in Mexico City. And the whole thing is kind of under this umbrella of a sci fi action thriller, it's the best.

Sage:

But just in terms of like the craftsmanship of the show, it is this gloriously shot, beautifully colorful, just immaculately plotted creation that I every time I watch it, again, I'm discovering new stuff about it. And the fact that you can have these eight equally central main characters and keep them all straight, and keep all of their plotline straight is just a testament to how much work and time and love has gone into the show.

Foxglove:

Yeah, because it's not like it feels like there's a main character, all of the all of the eight central characters are equally crucial to the plot. And they all get a lot of like time and energy dedicated to their stories. And I'm just I'm in love with it. Yeah. And

Sunflower:

it sounds like it could be really overwhelming. But it's super not like the cast is really big, but you jump fully between countries. So it's like the background and how it's handled and how it's shot. And everything feels very individual for each of the cast members. And it makes it really easy to be like, Oh, this is you know, such and such. And here's like their side character and their best friend and their partner and their mother and whoever else is involved in it. And it's like they have their own TV shows you just like are switching channels every like five to 10 minutes. And it's beautifully as the show goes on like the first season is very individual introducing you to each of these characters and their narratives. And then slowly and very organically the they weave these narratives together in like the most beautiful way and resolve the central plot of the series. It's just the not like, as a writer, I'm

Foxglove:

obsessed with how well executed it is.

Sage:

Absolutely.

Iris:

Do you want to do trigger warnings quick before we get further into the wreck? Yeah, the

Foxglove:

one thing that as we've mentioned with our movie night, we're all pretty scrupulous about making sure that we don't blunder into anyone's hard stops by accident. And so for Meteor x, we're always going to be careful to include some trigger warnings. Sensei in particular deals with a lot of really heavy material, it deals with domestic violence, it deals with transphobia deals with there's a lot going on. Like if you have a hard stop if you have a trigger that's really difficult for you to deal with. I would recommend looking up like individual episodes or narrative arcs on like, does the dog die or on IMDB or something to double check and take care of yourself?

Iris:

Yeah, and also,

Foxglove:

we've all watched the show a whole bunch. So if you have like a really weird niche, one that you're like, I have to ask this I can't find this on a site. Yeah, just ask send us a email, send us a message on Tumblr. We will we will do our best to answer and none of us They're gonna pick on you for weird trigger warnings Take care of yourself. All of I would say that all of these issues are handled really well. In particular, there's a trans character who deals with a lot of transphobia from her family and like, I am fortunate in that my parents are very supportive of me. But it's also a big scary world full of transphobes out there. And like watching normies Ark every single time I watch sensate, I end up crying during it and it's so well handled. And there's such a sense of like, grace and love and compassion. So I will say there are a lot of triggers, they're all handled with this genuine sense of kindness that I find really, really reassuring.

Sage:

It's nothing, nothing is done for the shock value. All of it is stuff that is unfortunately all too realistic and a lot of places and it's addressed by people who have been on the other side of a lot of the issues that are being described and who like Fox's address it with sensitivity and all of the nuance that they deserve.

Foxglove:

Yeah. In terms of what kind of person would like this show guys, riddle me this.

Iris:

queer people. Generally, people who want to see poly rap that was the big thing for me, this show had the first time I ever saw a Canon confirmed poly relationship on the screen. Obviously. One thing that I know some poly people struggle with with the show in particular is that the end of that arc and those three characters it's a close triad to those three characters getting together was a little bit rushed. It was clear they were building to it all all along, but because the show like Fox mentioned it was originally planned to be a five season show. It's a two season show plus a movie to tie everything together. I think they did a really good job considering how many different narratives they had to tie together to like bring it to a close but it is worth mentioning that

Foxglove:

it is a little rushed towards the those last three seasons being packed into one movie means that the movie does feel like a whole fucking lot happens really, really fast. But like we all watched the movie together we watched through I think most of the show before we were a unit, but like the the movie came out after we were together. And I think all of us cried through like that last, the whole

Iris:

thing, the whole thing.

Foxglove:

That last movie pretty much start to finish. So

Sage:

yeah, stay hydrated. If you're gonna watch this,

Iris:

yeah,

Sunflower:

it's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's well done. It's amazing.

Iris:

It's so affirming. Like, for me, it is so affirming. Yeah, like for me as like a queer person, like an as a poly person. It was just deeply affirming, and had so many central narratives that I love in media that's not just about being queer, but that has a lot of queer characters have found family and have just been found family energy exam, family energy, and just finding love in all of its forms, whether it's romantic, platonic, familial, all of those different types of love and just really exploring the nuance of different types of love.

Sage:

It's a show that celebrates connection in whatever form you might find it as well, just really knowing another person in a deep and meaningful way. And that's one of my favorite things that I know fox is gonna gonna elaborate on from here.

Foxglove:

When we do individual media Rex, I'm setting a timer for myself, because I can't be trusted not to talk for an hour about any media I like. However, the one thing I really do want to mention about sensei and the way that sensata narrative uses its sci fi conceit, like the core idea of like, what if you could access the skills and knowledge and support of seven other people all around the world? The thing that I really love to see in a sci fi or fantasy plotline is when someone uses that core unreality as a way to talk in depth and like in really brilliantly different and unique way about something that's really real and profoundly part of everyone in you know, our mundane little world full of Coronavirus and traffic jams. And you know, the the thing with sensate is that it's so much it is about this like you know overarching sci fi thriller plot and it's like a lot of fun and like if you you know are someone who likes like a comic book movie where there's like a big bad you're really going to get a lot out of it. But more than that, it's it's really a show about how like, people have this deep desire to connect and this deep desire to be in relationship with other people. And like the way they use this conceit of like what if this psychic link existed as a way to talk about you know, finding support when you really need it and like finding someone who can help you out of a tight spot, and learning to ask for those things when you need them. It's It's so well done. And I just, it's so genuinely beautiful. And I love it when a piece of media really gets as much as they possibly can out of their unreality as a way to talk about the real world. I'm done.

Sage:

nice and compact.

Iris:

Yeah. And I think the one other thing I want to talk about when it comes to representation, and one of the reasons I love this show, is there's another group of three, Danny Leto and Hernando and I think that it's really interesting because they have a really messy and complex arc that deals with like the different types of way we connect to people. And they don't put like words and terms to their relationships. So you can headcanon them in a lot of different ways as like, some various different type of a poly relationship. Or you could headcanon, Danny as maybe aromantic, or part of the Acer arrow community. And I think what's really interesting about it is despite the fact that they don't put these terms to it, I think it's really good representation of like the different complex ways that relationship can form. And you could say that maybe even is a really good representation of like a queer platonic Partnership, which is a partnership that is really found in like the a pseudo romantic community as a long term committed relationship, that does not look the standard way a romantic or sexual relationship looks. So yeah, I just wanted to throw that out there, as well as like, that's something that as like someone who's Demi romantic, and is exploring the aromantic community in really recent times, that's something that meant a lot to me. And that's something I've been interrogating a lot.

Sage:

One of the phrases that stuck out to me, that you use there as messy and complex. And I think that's actually like, my favorite aspect of the show is that like, it's, it doesn't, it doesn't pull any punches, but also it addresses like all of the realistic highs and lows, even if like the best relationships and like the need for communication and the need to, you know, the fact that relationships in any form are hard, and they require give and take and they require just the same constant communication that we're always talking about. And I can't think of that many shows that really honor that nature of relationships, because they don't there's none of the like gimmicky miscommunication stuff that you see in so many shows that use that to build this like false. Drama conflict. Yeah, exactly. False conflict between characters like it's, it's all, you know, the it's a sci fi show, and a lot of the situations would never happen in real life. But the ways that these relationships work, and these people communicate and build the relationships and love each other is really true to life in a way that I don't see that often.

Foxglove:

Yeah. 100% It's great. Watch it. Exactly.

Sage:

That should be the tagline of our media. Rex. It's great. Watch it.

Foxglove:

Yep. Yeah, it's such a good show. We should. We should.

Sage:

Yeah, yeah.

Foxglove:

Like tomorrow.

Iris:

All right, time to switch over to an audience question. Just as a reminder, you can send us questions via email at Quaple network@gmail.com. That's QU ap LTE network@gmail.com or through any of our social medias. We're on Tumblr at Quaple dash network.tumblr.com. And on twitter at the at wr underscore podcast. Our question this week is actually the second half of last week's question. And an anonymous user on Tumblr asked us, how do you talk to other people about being poly? We're gonna start this off like we do with so many of these questions with,

Sunflower:

it's complicated. It

Sage:

talks about it. I'm fine starting off this one, honestly, because I don't really like that's the answer to mine is I don't talk to a whole lot of people about my personal life generally. And definitely not about being poly. And the only exception to that so far as one of my closest friends who it's been like, a multi year lead up of just getting increasingly closer to the topic and finally just being like, Yeah, actually, I am in a poly relationship with all these people you already know and love and have met. And, you know, I'd said that they were really close friends after I said that they were roommates. And now you know the full truth. And I didn't feel comfortable with that until I really had a good idea of what cultural biases and predispositions he was set up with. And once I figured he was a safe person to tell that's the only time I talked about it.

Foxglove:

So you just kind of evolved. It's in his nature.

Sunflower:

Mm hmm. Yeah. Yeah. And I think we talked about this before recording and everything of talking about like, we are really varied spectrum on this specific question. So I think it's a really good question for us because of that, because like, I'm probably the next in like a lead up to screaming it from rooftops. And like, I tell my, like, closest friends and such and like, would like to build up to telling my family, especially before, like, we have children together, because that would just be kind of awkward. Generally, nothing stays a secret with a four year old in the house. Exactly. So like, I have done this with, like, my best friends and everything. And it was more like via text message and everything, because that's how I feel a little more comfortable. And it was really just being like, Hey, I just want to tell you before you like you come visit us and stay at our house next time, like Jesse, you know, we're all in a relationship. So like, we are pretty cuddly and intimate and loving with each other. So like, I just want to be open with you about that. And like you often field questions after that statement. And like, one of their questions was like, why is yours different from like, just living with a roommate? and was like, Well, you know, I plan on living literally the rest of my life with them. And like a committed for group and like raising children together. And like all being parents and all having names for like, Mom, and parents and all of that kind of stuff. So like we've already planned all that out.

Sage:

And they were roommates. And also it's more complicated than just that.

Foxglove:

Yeah, precisely.

Iris:

Yeah. And it's Asterix. Yeah.

Foxglove:

That's the huge Asterix. Yeah, I don't know. I think that's me. And I think I'm probably I'm definitely next least cagey. Although I've mentioned this before on the podcast, I tend to view out newness as sort of an nesting doll situation, any idiot on the street can probably have a look at me and make the staggering, like cognitive leap that I'm queer. The next, like, thing I'm cagey about is being poly which, like, I've, I'm not reluctant to tell people that. But um, it does tend to be a little bit more of a conversation than just being like, also I'm queer. Have a nice day. And then the the thing I'm cagey about, admittedly, this is this is affected by the fact that a lot of the socializing I've done in the last eight months has been medical industry. So stuff. I'm I'm cagey about the fact that I'm trans because I mean, to be like brutally honest, that really changes how you're treated in a doctor's office. Um, so that's definitely the information I'm least likely to like broadcast. In terms of how I talk about being poly. I'm very offhand about it with like, strangers or people, I don't know that well. And I'll be like, one of my girlfriends taught me a drinking game that I'd never played before, because I didn't have a party phase in college. Or like, you know, my boyfriend said XYZ. And like, people are, how do I want to put this people are weenies by nature, and they're probably not gonna pick that fight with you if they don't have reason to. And beyond that, like, with people I know better. My father is a minister. So there's an entire church somewhere that knew me growing up, and therefore really believes that they know everything about me as a person. I'm like, with those people, I'm borderline combative about it. You know, it means that I just have like a couple of rote responses. As son so astutely pointed out, there's a handful of questions that are kind of typical, and they vary from harmlessly ignorant to genuinely offensive, and having like, pre programmed responses to those is definitely recommended.

Iris:

Yeah, I'm sure we'll eventually have a longer episode about like coming out. And all of the different commonly asked Polly questions. The one that I usually get the most of, I get a lot of weird sex questions.

Foxglove:

So I have like a very Pat response of like, my sex life is not your business. But like, there there is a lot of that, especially since I tend to be very offhand about it. People are a little bit more comfortable asking me questions. So yeah, there's pros and cons there.

Sunflower:

So yeah, we should do a special episode doing like an FAQ thing, like we did forever ago when we tested this whole idea. We should do like BuzzFeed list.

Sage:

Oh, yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

Iris:

Yeah. Um, and I guess that leaves me I was waiting for one of you to call me out for the fact

Foxglove:

that you would tattoo every identity you have on your forehead if you had a big enough forehead. That's

Sage:

so rude. or small enough needle.

Iris:

So rude, and so, so untrue. But yeah, so I untrue. I have spent the last year or so of my life deciding that I've always been somebody who wanted to be as out as possible. It matters a lot to me to be able to, like bring my full self to work and feel like I belong there. It matters a lot to me to only invest time in relationships that I'm going to be able to bring my full self to. So yeah, I'm very, very out as much as possible. And that's something that I've been like moving toward them working on. is something that's constantly a work in progress. So I think even when I'm not fully out, I think one of the things about like talking to non poly people about being poly is there's some, like roads that you can lay down first of things that especially as living with a closed group of four, and that we've been living together for going on three to four years now, depending on the different groups of definitions. Yeah, there's stuff that you can say such as, when people are like, Oh, well, when x and y get married, y'all are gonna move out. And it's like, No, actually, we're all planning to live together long term, or when when they have kids is the other common one. Yeah. When specifically because like, I don't ever want to be pregnant, and Iris isn't really interested in it, either. Usually, it's like, oh, well, when seijun son have kids, you guys are gonna move out, right? And it's like, well, no, or no planning to all raise kids together, actually. So there are things that you can say without saying Polly that really start laying that groundwork down. But for people who just meet me, I'm very open. I'm very honest about it in a really, sometimes it's in a really casual, like, just like Fox, just toss out the whole like girlfriend and boyfriend and the same sentence and see what happens. Or if I'm in a queer space, especially it's you know, fronting with that identity information, because that's not really uncommon when you walk into a queer space. And you're getting to know other people.

Foxglove:

Yeah, it's, you know, here's all my identity is also my name.

Iris:

Yeah, exactly. Like, here's my name. Here's my pronouns. Here are my identities. Now we're friends. Um, which is one thing that I love about queer spaces. God, I

Foxglove:

miss going to gay clubs.

Sage:

Can I just can I just have a quick sidebar of Iris how much I admire you being this open all the time. I do not know how you do it. And I am so impressed and just in awe, that this is something that you do regularly.

Iris:

Yeah, definitely. It's just 100%. It's something that means a lot to me. And it's something that like, I just I don't know why this is like everyone needs to kind of pick that like thing that matters most to them in their relationships and stuff like that. And really over the last year, this has become the thing that I care about. So the hill, you want to die, this is the hill, I will die on with my relationships, and I am willing to burn bridges in order to be myself, which is something that feels super good and authentic and affirming right now. So

Foxglove:

the line also big fan of it myself. Hmm.

Iris:

Yeah. So I think like, the biggest thing is, when it comes to there's a huge difference between coming out to coworkers or strangers or people that you didn't know, prior to knowing you or Polly yourself, and coming out to people who matter to you or who have been in your life for a really long time. So I actually just came out to my younger sister for the very first time. Yeah, I have a really, really cool younger sister. And we've always been super close. And so it meant a lot to me, for her to be the first person that I came out to in my family. So I recently came out to her. And I think a really good way to start a conversation and to start coming out as Polly is to just ask, do you know what polyamory is? Or what do you know about polyamory? and just start the conversation and get all of the misconceptions out of the way first, or in my sister's case? Just getting the response of No, I don't know that. I really know what it is. What does it mean to you? Because she's awesome.

Foxglove:

So Incidentally, choice answer when someone comes out to you in that way? Yeah, excellent answer. Yeah.

Iris:

goldstar to her, but um, yeah, so it's really just one of those things of you can get some of those like hurtful misconceptions out of the way if there are any there by just fronting with like explaining what Polly is to you. And in my case, I just really defined it simply, as a long term committed romantic relationship with multiple people. It was really simple. It was really easy. We didn't even talk that much about it after that, and I'm sure we're gonna have follow up conversations, because this literally happened yesterday. But yeah, it's it's a work in progress. It really does depend. It's very complicated. And we're still learning and we're still growing. So feel free to like continue to ask us like more pointed and more specific questions about like, the different type of people you might end up interacting with about polyamory, because it is really dependent on the circumstances you're in if you're safe. And if you're able to be out

Foxglove:

Yeah, and it also depends a lot on the relationship you're looking to maintain there. Like you know, I I'm out as Polly to my physical therapist, because like, everything else aside, he's the chillest human being alive. But also that's a professional relationship like he can't be a dick about it because I pay him. On the other hand like me going up to visit my parents and being asked by like a little old lady at church like Oh sweetie, how are your roommates and being like, my partners who I love and live with and have lived with for several years and intend to continue living with are doing great Right, Maryann, how are you? That's a different dynamic. And you're much more likely to, um, I haven't started a fight in my dad's church in many years, but I have done it. And so last year, okay, like four years,

Sage:

that's not that many years.

Unknown:

Not that long, yeah, four years.

Sage:

Not that many years.

Foxglove:

That's a very different dynamic. And you're you're working with a very different expectation of how that relationship is going to pan out, I enforce a pretty strict policy with those people of like, either you come to terms of the way I'm living my life, or you get out of my way, and stop pretending that we're friends. And like giving them that choice straight up does save me a lot of time and energy

Sage:

to do a herd segue from this back to something that was raised earlier. I have in a lot of the conversations that I've had with my parents, they've asked similar questions of like, So when are you going to move out and move in with just son and get your own place in anticipation of getting engaged and getting married and having kids and being able to still say, these people that I live with are a big part of my life, and we do plan to live together indefinitely and raise kids together. And that is going to be something that like we all really look forward to and feel strongly about. It's not using the word Polly, but it is approaching the concept. And I think, with the place that I have been in with my parents about talking to them about our relationship, that's enough for me, like the fact that they know that Iris and Fox are people that I feel strongly attached to. That's, that's all they need to know. And as long as they're comfortable with that, then that's, that's fine. That's a position that's stable, and I'm happy to continue. Yeah,

Sunflower:

yeah, I think it's Go for it.

Iris:

Yeah, I was just gonna say especially like, as the person who's like the most out all the time, one of the things that I always am doing is checking in with my partners who are less out and that's something that you need to be doing is just like how out are you comfortable being because like, with anything from like, consent, about like different aspects of the relationship to consent on how out you are, it is always going to be working off of the person who's like the least comfortable and who's the least willing to be out. And like, I think that's really, really important. And like, you don't want to out your partner, especially because you care about them, and you love them. And I think it's worth saying that just because I'm super comfortable being out, I don't think it's any less legitimate for other people to not want to be out. So it's all about your comfort level. And what you want to do, like, as you can see, this is one poly relationship and we have like a wide spectrum of feelings and thoughts on it right now. So I just wanted to throw that out there. You're You're valid wherever you are in your journey.

Sunflower:

Yeah, and however you want to identify yourself to is, is your business is like all you 100% of the time and also like that's in a lot of ways an ever evolving position to be into is like today, I might be totally fine with my family not knowing but I don't know, something might change a month from now. And I am just gonna be like, Oh, hey, here, here it is. Here it all is, it's all on the table. And like that's something that's okay to change your mind on.

Sage:

I also appreciate all y'all continuing to build a friend group of people who you are out to, because then that's something that I'm totally fine with. Like, I don't know these people yet. But whenever I do encounter them and find that they're the same awesome kinds of people that you inevitably connect with, I can be out with them. And that's a really awesome feeling. Like I'm not necessarily comfortable having those conversations with the new friends I make are people at work but when we go to a work function, or when we go out to drinks and we can be out collectively to people that we know that's a really good feeling. It's just not something that I seek on my own.

Sunflower:

Yeah, very much. Yeah, it's just Loki IRAs and I building a community that's cool with us and being like, hey, let me present you the other two.

Foxglove:

Yeah, the introverts get a bonus community.

Sage:

Hey,

Sunflower:

it's true. I think we nailed it

Unknown:

I think we did a great yeah,

Sage:

it was a very

Sunflower:

final statements they want to make her Oh,

Foxglove:

my final statement is all of this conversation has been about being poly I want to clarify most of this outrageous stuff applies to any queer identity, any identity that you feel the need like that you feel the need to apply the concept of coming out to in the same way that like we talk a lot as a group about like, Okay, how comfortable is everyone with like Person A being out, okay, let's, how comfortable is everyone with Iris being out in this environment versus that environment, that kind of thing. Likewise, like if you are in a like queer relationship, and your partner is like closeted from their family, for example, you should be having that kind of conversation if your partner is trans, but they're not out to certain people like yes, it sucks to feel like you're dead naming your partner but on the other hand, you're protecting them and doing what they asked you To do and like in any relationship it's important to protect your partner's boundaries in that way

Sunflower:

also don't out people

Foxglove:

don't out people hot take just don't out people like also. Yep. But like, especially if you're in a relationship with that person, you're their partner. It's your job to protect them. Yes. Don't be a douchebag to

Sunflower:

Yeah, love that. That's

Foxglove:

a good ending. All right. And there it is. Alright, everyone, that's been us the couple. A big thank you to Molly of geography for the use of her song hunter hockey bloom for our intro and outro music, you should absolutely go listen to everything else she's made. come find us on Tumblr at kuapa dash network or on Twitter at at wr underscore podcast or even by email at Quaple network@gmail.com. Toss us a question or an advice topic we love hearing from you. And of course, go ahead and check out our Patreon at the at wr podcast if you want to tip me for my editing work. And if you love our podcast, please share with your friends and leave a comment wherever you listen. As always remember, we believe in you bye bye bye