Love Tactics. Five components necessary for friendship. The passion equation.
Love Tactics. Five components necessary for friendship. The passion equation.
Posh Josh 0:32
Champion bachelors, Craig and Greg present a myriad of topics centering on relationships and addictions in the positive lights of experience, strength and hope. Both have struggled with the strongholds of addiction, and with relationships that went awry. And both have emerged on the other side, stronger, wiser and better prepared to become what they once set out to be. You're listening to the solution.
Craig Dahlen 1:05
Hey, Greg, how you doing?
Greg Carter 1:07
Good, Craig, how you doing?
Craig Dahlen 1:08
You know what's interesting. Tonight, today, whatever it is, it doesn't matter. Because we're doing. We're doing a show. We're doing a podcast.
Greg Carter 1:16
Alright.
Craig Dahlen 1:17
Welcome to this solution. And, you know, Greg, we have these two books, and one of them where you've been pretty much referring to, for our last, like 11 shows? Yes. And that is called "3%. Man". And that is written by Corey Wayne. And that book pretty much talks about, you know, the beta, man, they're the alpha and the beta. And you know how to properly get that date?
Greg Carter 1:45
Yes.
Craig Dahlen 1:46
You know how to be that alpha. And here's a book that was written basically in 1987. I start I turned into it in 2003. But it's been getting a lot of recent airtime lately. It's called "Love Tactics", and like I said, I started reading it in 2003. Just because, hey, I needed a little help. I needed a little bit of help. And it's a great book, and I look to compare that book with Cory Wayne is "3%. Man" , you and I are working together comparing contrasting but what's odd is and what's not odd, but what's different? Is it Cory Wayne's "3% Man", as far as friendship goes, he says, Hey, if somebody wants to put you in the friendzone tell him I don't want nothing to do with the friendzone if you don't want to get a hold of me, I'd love it if to hear from you again. But I do not want to be a friend. Well, "Love Tactics" says you cannot do anything -- you could not capture love -- unless you become friends. I find that quite interesting.
Greg Carter 3:06
I do too. I do too. I had the chance to you let me read the 3% man by Corey Wayne. And then I bought the book love tactics hadn't read it last week. And I did I did find it interesting for the fact the friendship, the friendship and really, the book, Love tactics really got into the friendship portion of it.
Craig Dahlen 3:26
Absolutely.
Greg Carter 3:28
You know, Friends before it develops into the one, you know for you.
Craig Dahlen 3:33
Well, and what they do, they they say these three things have to develop. And they show they call it a like a house, House of love. It's called the house of love and has three sides. And it has the friendship is the floor that you stand on the foundation. Respect is one of the walls or both walls, whatever. And the ceiling is passion. Passion.
Greg Carter 4:00
We all like passion.
Craig Dahlen 4:02
Well, we do.
Greg Carter 4:03
Oh yeah.
Craig Dahlen 4:04
And you know, and Cory Wayne's doesn't talk about being friends so much, it talks more as more about no just winning the gal, you know, calling her up a few times. And then after that, letting her take over everything, you know, the dating and let her kind of pursue you. I tell you what I like "Love Tactics". Because with things are based on friendship, you know, you can develop as a friend. And then things just kind of grow from there. And what's really interesting, as far as passion is concerned, I thought it took a little bit more than 2 to 3, 4 percent of an equation of 100%. To be more than passionate. Passion, you were explaining it earlier, talking about how passion, you can have a little bit and then it can grow.
Greg Carter 5:05
Yes, yeah, you can. Just like a fire. Take, for example, passion starts with the Flint, you're digging to piece of Flint boom to start that fire, right? So you did you know you got passion started, like a spark it grows, it really does, it grows. Now this is what I also learn from the school of hard knocks is that passion is one of those things that I have to take that piece of flip and spark it every day. You see what I mean? That's important for that passion to be in that relationship every day. And it doesn't even have to be in a sexual tone, either. You know, just the passion of that. I believe I have to do my part. And I have to light that spark every day, in one way or another. Like a daily spark of that passion, I have to make a daily effort into that and puts into that relationship. Passion is born out of an attitude,
Craig Dahlen 5:58
I believe, because not that I believe I know, according to this book. Now, let's just say, to develop passion, there's a couple different ways. You know, you want to maintain your independence if you maintain your independence within that relationship. A little bit of aloofness, and this is something that has to go on throughout the life of that dating, being engaged and being married throughout that whole lifetime. And if you've basically what it is a relationship, where there's if there's passion, there isn't somebody getting run over. If somebody is getting run over in that relationship. There isn't passion.
Greg Carter 6:43
I agree that exactly what the book says.
Craig Dahlen 6:45
Yeah, cuz if a guy if the woman is running over the guy, she's calling the shots. And he's just like, Oh, yes, dear. You know, happy wife has a happy life. Now. The man needs to stand up and assert himself. You know, the relationship is stale. And she's bored. It's because there's no respect going on. You have to have respect. Yes, act is huge. Without that respect, even from one party friendship, respect and passion is not respect has to be happening to to get the passion to get the love. So what do you do? You know, what do you do for to create the passion?
Greg Carter 7:33
Yes, just I would say don't take any gruff you know, I mean, stand your ground be assertive. And like we talked about another few podcasts, there might be times where I have to say No, exactly. I might have to say no, sometimes. Yeah, yes,
Craig Dahlen 7:48
yes. And your wife, your girlfriend, your fiance. If she hears the word, no. All sudden, there's passion. Because she has -- she feels your strength. She feels your masculinity that immediately puts her into her femininity. You know, that's one thing that came out of Corey Wayne's "3%. Man" that needs to happen.
Greg Carter 8:23
I totally agree.
Craig Dahlen 8:26
You know, let's talk about the five. You know, this, this parts interesting that we're going to talk about the five basic emotional needs that need to be met in order to become good friends. Well, I'm gonna pull up the book "Love Tactics" right now.
Greg Carter 8:42
Awesome.
Craig Dahlen 8:44
Those five needs. Let me read there just a little bit of this here. It says. In light of this definition, well says I'm going to read this quick talks about friendship. Before you can truly win someone's heart, you must first become friends with that person. Although this may appear easy, it really is not. true friendship meets a person's deep emotional needs. A wise person wants to find a friend as someone you can think out loud in front of light of this definition, then, we might all find ourselves reevaluating who we really consider to be our true friends. To become a true friend, you must learn to meet that person's basic human emotional needs. And these include Greg, the first one is attention. You know, basically you need to show the other person that you are, oh, you're consciously aware of his or her existence. Okay, understanding is number two. That's a basic need understanding. That's just communicating your awareness that that person exists isn't enough. You also need to show that you're aware of how they feel about things and how they perceive how they perceive The world around them. Okay. Number three of the five biggies is acceptance. This means showing the person that you still value being with them, even though at times while their behavior I like might just suck. Okay. Bye. Bye. Basically, you're accepting them for who they are.
Greg Carter 10:22
Right.
Craig Dahlen 10:22
You know, number four appreciation. You can satisfy this need by recognizing those redeeming qualities that the other person possesses, you know, just appreciation.
Greg Carter 10:34
Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 10:35
You see him doing something nice. The way they talk to your mom or the way they treat people, show him tell him, Hey, that was really neat the way you treated that person.
Greg Carter 10:46
I appreciate you for that.
Craig Dahlen 10:47
Appreciate that. Yeah. The fifth one is affection. And that can be something small. So I'm real small, put your hand on their back. You know, just put your hand on their arm and just say something nice to him. That's affection with those five. Those are five basic needs that we all need to have. Yes. Become someone's friend.
Greg Carter 11:11
Yes, I agree.
Craig Dahlen 11:12
Now and all those things were in "Love Tactics". Those are not in "3%, Man". But you know, "3% Man", let's just say right there. That book caters to men. "Love Tactics". cators to men and women.
Greg Carter 11:29
Yes, I noticed that too.
Craig Dahlen 11:32
Yeah, yeah. You know, you were talking about earlier, you had a story about a friend or something. We were talking about something weren't you?
Greg Carter 11:40
Yes. Yeah. It's interesting. Because here a while back, I'd asked this girl out. And I hesitated asking her out for about a year, year and a half, right. And I made mistakes on that, you know, I did. Some of the mistakes I made was, I forgot that. A group of friends who I hang out with a know really good are her same group of friends too. So when you let one or two of them know, you let them all know. Yeah, you let them all know. So guess what? I'm walking into an ambush. Okay. And a lot of times, my experience has been this in the past. If the lady knows you like her, and you haven't done nothing or taken an action a long time. Most of the time, this is my experience only a lot of times probably won't happen or not right away when you finally do take the action. So what I did was I asked her out, she said no, but in a nice way, because most women don't really want to hurt a guy's feelings, especially if they respect them as a friend. You know, so like, what my response was, it's because I don't want to see anybody. I'm not dating anybody. So I just simply said, Hey, I appreciate that. I appreciate you getting back with me right away because she did she got back with me immediately. Like we're talking within 15 seconds. Right, the response. So I just said I appreciate your honesty and for letting me know if anything changes please let me know. Thank you and have a good night and that's what I said. And since then I ran into her a few different times that we're still cool with each other.
Craig Dahlen 13:14
Yeah,
Greg Carter 13:15
We're still nice with each other still friends with each other and and I feel so much better for the fact that I that I took the action. Taking the action was more rewarding. That was the outcome of the -- come to find out -- hindsight is 20/20 -- the effort by asking her out was a bigger reward, or just as big of reward if she would have said yes.
Craig Dahlen 13:36
Oh yeah.
Posh Josh 13:43
You've stayed with us this far. And that shows commitment, proving you possess the trait required to obtain the solution. Now let's rejoin the show already in progress.
Greg Carter 13:56
Because a lot of times if you really like somebody and they say yes at assembly you really want to be with that in itself develops excitement that if if you'd like somebody for a long time you're in your head and of course you're wondering Oh my god, what am I going to do? What the what ifs see what it is just a simple she turned me down but nice about it. I felt good. Like King Kong like I could throw my chest out and do that. Well, that type of --
Craig Dahlen 14:22
You looked good too, my friend. Let's state that because anytime anybody shows. Show shows. I don't know what word I'm looking for so much. But I'm gonna say humility. Yes, in the face of defeat, because we've all asked women out and we've all been turned down. That's life.
Greg Carter 14:43
Yes, it is. Right.
Craig Dahlen 14:44
But how we, how we handle that situation shows a lot about our character. That's what shows our true character life anyway, how we deal with adversity.
Greg Carter 14:54
Right.
Craig Dahlen 14:55
Now, you're going through the mental warfare, the mental anguish You're asking somebody out, that's hard for everybody. And so if you get turned down, man, you turn that you flip that right around by. You're being cool about it. You're being respectful to her. And you said, Hey, you know? Yeah, that's cool.
Greg Carter 15:16
Yeah, well, what was interesting to a friend was with me when I'd asked her out and my friend she told me, I could tell you feel so good. You feel so much better. You feel relieved, she says to said, she could see that I was relieved just that I got it off my chest and asked her out.
Craig Dahlen 15:32
Were you more relieved? So was part of you relieved that you got it off your chest as part of you or leave that you didn't have to go out with her? was part of you're relieved that
Greg Carter 15:42
I hate to say this, but a part of these? Yes. I'm just glad that I that asked out that my friend. She asked me, What is the thing that you like best about her the most? I go. Well, she's a really nice person. And that's what seemed to attract me. She's a really nice person. So my friend she told me, Greg, there has to be more than being just a nice person. If you're gonna ask somebody out . There's probably some truth to that. You know
Craig Dahlen 16:06
You liked her, yeah?
Greg Carter 16:07
Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 16:08
Yeah. You had an interest in her?
Greg Carter 16:09
Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 16:10
Yeah.
Greg Carter 16:10
Regardless where that interest came from, but it come from someplace honorable. I can say that.
Craig Dahlen 16:16
Well, yeah.
Greg Carter 16:17
Yeah, that's the important thing. It came from an honorable place.
Craig Dahlen 16:20
I mean, I'm not gonna ask somebody out unless I'm really interested in because that's a lot of time and money and commitment and --
Greg Carter 16:25
Yes, exactly.
Craig Dahlen 16:26
-- everything else. But if they say no, they say no, well, hey, guess what? At least, you know.
Greg Carter 16:32
Yes.
Craig Dahlen 16:33
You know, we can't we can't do anything until we take in the data until we take in the information, you know, we can't, or also, it's a story that's still up in the air, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing worse than a story that is still up in the air.
Greg Carter 16:46
I know.
Craig Dahlen 16:47
And then you can't write the ending either.
Greg Carter 16:49
No, you can't. You know, you got to hand them the pan. And they, because they're a part of that story.
Craig Dahlen 16:56
Yes, they are. Whatever the ending is going to be. You know, every every every it has individual little chapter. Well, that chapter was she said, No, boom, the end.
Greg Carter 17:08
Yes.
Craig Dahlen 17:08
Then you go to chapter two. But you left chapter one in a good way, didn't you. You left the door, you exited that thing in a good way. That's so important, the way we enter and the way we exit things.
Greg Carter 17:19
Yes, I exited at the same time, too. I think I left a at least an invitation. Hey, you can knock on the door ring the doorbell if you should feel different, but who knows where I'll be at at that time. See what I mean? Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 17:32
That's like life, you know?
Greg Carter 17:33
Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 17:33
In any situation the way we enter and the way we exit is so important.
Greg Carter 17:36
That's right.
Craig Dahlen 17:37
Especially the way we exit it? Because that is what shows our true character.
Greg Carter 17:42
It is,
Craig Dahlen 17:42
If we do it with the right style.
Greg Carter 17:44
Yeah. I read all those cliches all the time that the determination of a person's character is how they like you said the adversity, how do I react to something, especially to situations, not what I do. It's simply how I react to situations that what tells about my character,
Craig Dahlen 18:03
You know, one thing about these two books, comparing and contrast them. And when you take when you get the same things from both books, and you know, you really have something? Well, this show, we're just going to talk about a little bit, we're going to take some other shows, too, and compare them, because that way we can pull the real meat out of both of those books are both good. And give the high high grade advice to our listeners, right? Yes. And then their toolbox is packed full of great things to take forward. One of the things that both books talked about is hope, plus doubt, equals passion,
Greg Carter 18:43
which is interesting is that parts that's mentioned in both books, I've never read that in both books. Yes.
Craig Dahlen 18:49
Yeah. And that's, that's big. So you know --
Greg Carter 18:53
It is very big.
Craig Dahlen 18:54
It is, you know, and to create the passion. And the one interview with that with a gentleman that wrote love tactics. His name is Thomas McKnight. I let's do an interview coming out of La last night. And he said, It was interesting the way he said that passion. You doesn't take much he drew he drew up an equation of he drew up an equation where 90% is friendship. 8% is respect. And 2% is passion. Is that wild or what?
Greg Carter 19:29
Very wild, yes. Well, I've been telling people this for the last couple years, you know, before diving into, into the various literature about relationships, right? Just for my own experience and hearing other people talk on TV and reading articles, and then going to weddings, right. And one thing interesting that really, maybe I was supposed to see this, I don't know. Or if they've always been on napkins or the little table All settings, or the little flyers they pass out or programs at weddings, but I see the slogan and I -- either that, or I just notice it seems like just about every wedding I go to, in the vows, or someplace on the table settings, it says, today I've married my best friend. There's something to be said. And that doesn't say, today I marry, I bury my best lay that I've had to date, you know? Or you see what I mean. And that's, that's kind of funny.
Craig Dahlen 20:29
Unless they got married after a week?
Greg Carter 20:30
Yeah. Well, it's like, I wrote this little letter on Facebook here a while back, maybe that might get mentioned the podcast sometime. It is about a friend of mine who contacted me. And she's, you know, obviously, in a relationship where she's just this guy's sex toy. You know, I mean, it's just the hook up. She loves him. He doesn't feel the same way. Anyway, she was he was talking to me, and she can't release the guy's grips. You know. So like I said, I'm not going to get into it too much. But one of the comments that was back was a comment was from another one of my friend. And she said that love is the key of all, it's not the exact words, I'd have to pull it up and read it when that podcast comes along. That she just goes, Hey, the most beautiful thing in any relationship is love and respect. And this lady comes outside of love and respect. And she goes, she goes a sex says it has to be great without love and respect. But if those things are the you know, love and respect, are together, that the sex and love making inevitably becomes great, because those factors are in play.
Craig Dahlen 21:34
Oh, absolutely.
Greg Carter 21:35
And I'm like, there you go. There you go.
Craig Dahlen 21:37
Then they become emotional.
Greg Carter 21:39
Yes, that is always going to be great than the lovemaking. It's always going to be great.
Craig Dahlen 21:42
Yeah. maintain that passion.
Greg Carter 21:45
I know, because so often myself included guilty of that. You know, I think that sex itself is just raw, but the passion part of it so many times I mistaken. Great sex for love. I have and it's like, no, I met I'm older and experienced, like no, no way. You know I want something with meaning. Like you said, passion. Love. The full package.
Craig Dahlen 22:08
Right? Exactly. Yeah. And you know, to the friendship thing, it makes sense that that friendship would transition into love. Yes, you know, and I'm not knocking "3%. Man".
Greg Carter 22:22
No it's a great book.
Craig Dahlen 22:23
And it's a great book. It has a lot of great things. And those are some things. I enjoy this podcast, even just talking about comparing contrasting, pulling the best things out of them.
Greg Carter 22:33
Yes.
Craig Dahlen 22:33
But But yeah, you know, be friends with them. You if you're a guy or whatever, and she says, I just want to be friends. Well, if you are dated three months, and she all of a sudden throws you in the friendzone. The biggest thing you want to do, you don't have to say, Oh, no, I don't want to be your friend and walk away and say, Hey, when you want to be more than that, give me a call. What you can do is if she says to you, Hey, you know what? It's want to be friends. Well, guess what you do? That's what the guy does. He looks at her and he says, hey, that's cool. No problem. He's, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then she's gone. Wow, he handled that good.
Greg Carter 23:19
Yeah. And that in itself is impressive.
Craig Dahlen 23:21
Yeah, he exited it in the right way. And then he just -- he goes about his business being aloof and independent. And guess what? Guess who she's calling in about three weeks?
Greg Carter 23:35
Exactly. Yes.
Craig Dahlen 23:36
Yeah. Yep. Yep. It's leaving the door open. Yes, your own slamming her face. You know, you don't you leave that door open.
Greg Carter 23:44
And not rude to her either.
Craig Dahlen 23:46
And because let's just say it. Women, you know, they, it's an emotional deal with women, they they -- they're more emotional than men. Okay?
Greg Carter 23:58
Yes they are. A friend of mine is a psychologist, he said, look at a woman's emotional scale. I'm not saying that to cut women down, because I'll be noted in the men's here. But a woman's emotions would be the way you'd look at electrocardiogram the print out, up and down, up and down, up and down. And the marks are more up and down the distance from the low end to the high end. Like in the beating of the heart, right? There's some distance there. Now, however, of a male --
Craig Dahlen 24:26
-- Logic. Logic, that's the word I'm looking for. Right? Logic and reason.
Greg Carter 24:30
If you're looking at a wavelength there, it'd be more like a lower up and down like a gradual, more straight across. You know, it'd be like, like, not too high. Not too low. Just more even. Just more even, you know? Yeah.
Craig Dahlen 24:42
Exactly. Men tend to tend to think and reasoning and logic. Women tend to do it emotionally. So that woman, she throws you in the friendzone you're cool about it. Hey, in three weeks, her emotions will change. She'll be calling you, there you go.
Greg Carter 24:57
There you go.
Craig Dahlen 24:57
We're gonna we're gonna we're gonna wrap this show. Listeners, thank you so much for joining in. Send us emails at Craig 2042@gmail.com. Greg, awesome show. I love it.
Greg Carter 25:11
Thank you. That was a great job.
Craig Dahlen 25:11
Thank you listeners.
Greg Carter 25:13
And also the comments, I want to hear those comments too.
Craig Dahlen 25:15
Yeah, we want to hear the comments and we want you to tell us, whatever you want to tell us tell us.
Greg Carter 25:20
Awesome.
Craig Dahlen 25:22
Take care.
Posh Josh 25:25
This concludes this episode of the solution. Thanks for joining us, and be sure to check out our next episode. Send your questions and comments to Craig 204 two@gmail.com. That's Craig with a "C". Until next time, good luck and goodbye.