After desperately trying to learn moderation for five years, Gillian's drinking progressed to a terrifying place. Seeing no other options, she chose to embrace her forever sobriety. In this episode, Mahalia talks to Gillian Tietz who is the host of the Sober Powered Podcast about her personal journey, from problem drinker to now living life alcohol-free.
If you are trying to understand your own relationship with alcohol or looking to quit drinking, this episode provides a deep insight into the life of someone who has experienced this first hand, plus Gill explores the science of alcohol addiction. In this episode, we cover:
You'll also learn about some interesting studies on alcohol-induced aggression and how having a certain variant of a serotonin transporter puts us at a higher risk for developing a problem with alcohol.
Get my BONUS Free Meditations for Self-Love & Healing - https://www.mahaliajane.com/freemeditations
Don't forget to follow The Uncovery and Mahalia Jane on Instagram - @mahaliajaneco
Facebook - @mahaliajaneco
Website - www.mahaliajane.com
More information from Gillian can be found at https://soberpowered.com/podcast/
Please remember to SUBSCRIBE and leave a iTunes review if you enjoyed this episode :)
After desperately trying to learn moderation for five years, Gillian's drinking progressed to a terrifying place. Seeing no other options, she chose to embrace her forever sobriety. In this episode, Mahalia talks to Gillian Tietz who is the host of the Sober Powered Podcast about her personal journey, from problem drinker to now living life alcohol-free.
If you are trying to understand your own relationship with alcohol or looking to quit drinking, this episode provides a deep insight into the life of someone who has experienced this first hand, plus Gill explores the science of alcohol addiction. In this episode, we cover:
You'll also learn about some interesting studies on alcohol-induced aggression and how having a certain variant of a serotonin transporter puts us at a higher risk for developing a problem with alcohol.
Get my BONUS Free Meditations for Self-Love & Healing - https://www.mahaliajane.com/freemeditations
Don't forget to follow The Uncovery and Mahalia Jane on Instagram - @mahaliajaneco
Facebook - @mahaliajaneco
Website - www.mahaliajane.com
More information from Gillian can be found at https://soberpowered.com/podcast/
Please remember to SUBSCRIBE and leave a iTunes review if you enjoyed this episode :)
SPEAKERS
Mahalia, Gillian
Episode Transcript 18th November 2020 | Please note: transcripts may not be exact
Mahalia 00:04
Hi, welcome to The Uncovery podcast. I'm your host,Mahalia Jane. Every episode I take you on a journey, talking about live, well being and mental healing.
The Uncovery connects with different people from different places who share stories, of course, and enlightenment. It's my passion and privilege to be here guiding you with my own truth and experiences. Because it is possible to live in a beautiful state. Have you ever spoken to someone who is sober about the science and emotion around why they drink Jill is an absolute boss when it comes to understanding her own reaction in her brain and how that came into play with her addiction. On today's episode, I welcome Joe from Boston, who is the host of the sober powered podcast, I was so excited to chat with Jill mainly because I had come across her podcast and found her view of alcoholism, and her openness about her story. extremely interesting. We had a lot in common. And I hope you enjoy this episode as much as I enjoyed chatting with Gilll.
Thank you for being here today. Jill, I'm excited that you've decided to come on The Uncovery podcast, and I've been really looking forward to this episode with you.
Gillian 01:28
Of course, I'm looking forward to it to
Mahalia 01:31
today's a very significant day few as well. It's actually Today marks eight months, since you've been sober, which is incredible.
Gillian 01:40
Yeah. I've been enjoying my day trying to celebrate myself even though we're still in quarantine over here. But it's been a good day to
Mahalia 01:49
have you been able to celebrate in quarantine on this significant day.
Gillian 01:54
Um, I actually got my first pedicure in like five months. So nice to go back. I missed them.
Mahalia 02:01
Wow. What I really would love to talk to you about today is probably more about before your journey started when you got sober. So would you be able to tell me a little bit about how you got here and how you got to this place?
Gillian 02:17
Yeah, um, so I, I was never a drinker. In school, I didn't drink in high school or college, I was actually really badly bullied for all of middle in high school. So I didn't have like the opportunity to really like go to parties and have that environment. And when I got to college, it was more about studying. And I was honestly like really afraid to put myself out there because of everything I had dealt with previously. So I just never drank at all. And then when I was 22, I went to grad school. So that was eight years ago, I went to grad school, and everybody just drank and it was just kind of what you did. The professor's drank when I went there for my grad school interview, they had a mixer, and you drank with the professors and people had alcohol in their desks. And it's very normal. Like even now, my company has alcohol in the fridge in our kitchen. And I learned from that experience that when you're when you're stressed about school, or research or relationships, or whatever you drink, and then the stress goes away. And I had always been a very stressed out person. I always had like a lot, you know, going on in my life, like starting with the bullying, and then I had some trauma at the beginning of college. And once I discovered drinking, I was like wow, this is a thing that can make me feel better. And I just kind of like went with that, um, for seven years.
Mahalia 04:19
So it was like the norm was part of your life for seven years.
Gillian 04:23
Yeah, I was stressed all the time. So I would just drink every day and that's what everybody else did. Like we would always go out for drinks after school and I was really the only one that was like a mess. Um, I know a lot of people who have issues with alcohol like they weren't normal drinkers and then you know it developed like over their lives or maybe something happened to escalate their drinking but I mine was very consistent like it no obviously got worse. The longer I did it, but it was really bad from the very first time that I drank. So, you know, for the first couple years, I couldn't understand it. And I thought it was just normal. And then I slowly started to realise it's not normal.
Mahalia 05:18
Yeah, was there a certain moment that made you have that realisation of it wasn't okay for you to be drinking at that level.
Gillian 05:27
So, I've been writing a lot. Especially since we've been in quarantine, and my gym clothes. I've been like writing every morning. And I actually wrote down what did I call them, I call them warning signs. But I think there were, there were a lot of moments. That it was just, it was not normal. And I guess the first one that that I really realised was my wedding. Um, I got married at 25. So three years into my drinking. And the night before the wedding, my husband and I had a really big fight, because we were both drunk. So we had, you know, one of those stupid drunk fights. And then the day of the wedding, we both got really drunk, and I actually blacked out for the end of it. And I carried that around with me, for probably a good three years, um, whenever someone would get married or engaged, it would make me feel really bad. And, and it would make me remember, just, you know, what, what happened with me and my wedding and how much I drank. And, and I didn't want to and I actually tried, I was drinking white wine, because it's not as strong as red. So I was thinking of, you know, the strategy to try to keep it under control. And it just wasn't.
Mahalia 07:00
Did you notice when you were going to other people's weddings and engagements that that trigger for you did that make you realise Hang on, there's, there's something that's not right here. Because in my culture in Australia, especially, and where my family's from drinking is considered a celebration. So there is this really acceptable culture here, that, you know, you drink when someone turns 18. So it's, it's younger than, than in the US. And when you turn 21, we have like big celebrations here. And it just goes on, you know, if there's a Friday night, knock off for work, everyone has a drink. I've worked in many places of employment where they have had alcohol in the fridge. And you completely reminded me in that comment you made before that it's everywhere. It's around us. And I think that there are people that don't have the ability to have that healthy relationship with alcohol. What's really fascinating to me, and I don't know if you're experiencing it now that you are sober is sitting back and watching people drink for me now, I just find so fascinating how excepted It is like the level of how much people do drink is completely accepted. And people don't talk about it much because it is the normal to drink here. And I don't know is that have you found that at all? In your experience?
Gillian 08:27
Yeah. So we're, we're big drinkers here too. And, and I've actually had, um, coworkers give me a really hard time about not drinking, like publicly in front of, you know, my boss's boss's boss, and like, all the way up. And they'll just like hammer the questions like, like, why aren't you drinking? You're still not drinking? Like, how long is this going to go on? Like, why don't you want to just have one drink? And it's so normal to just drink and be be like a drunk disaster that when you don't do that people think it's strange. Like no one ever in my entire life commented on my drinking, no matter how crazy it was, or, or like what I did, or how drunk I got, or if I embarrassed myself or anything, no one ever had a comment about it. People were very disappointed when I quit, because they were losing their favourite drinking buddy. And people that state of my life had to find a way to I guess kind of be okay with it. And just see that we can still have just as much fun and connection without me drinking and it's cool. If people drink around me like that doesn't bother me. But I'm just not going to do it. And I think I think it's them more than me like they think I think it's gonna be weird or boring, or it'll be different. And, and I see like, after people spend time with me, they kind of realise like, Oh, she's still, she's still the same person, I can still enjoy hanging out with her.
Gillian 10:14
And I can only imagine that by taking the toxic relationship of alcohol away, you'd almost introduce a new side of yourself as well that people can discover. And I think what comes with being sober, and allowing your body not to experience, you know, too much unhealthy behaviours, you can kind of come to this really, it's almost like you discover more of who your authentic self is. And if people welcome that into their life, it can be really liberating for them because like you said, like, they realise, oh, this actually isn't different. It's sad, in a way is how much shame people put on people who don't drink, it's more noticeable if you're not drinking. And if I go to a wedding now, and I'm not drinking, people always ask if I'm pregnant. Like, if you're not drinking, you're obviously pregnant, or
Gillian 11:04
I hate that, it happens to me too, bartenders will will say, I'm like, named the baby after me. And that really upsets me
Mahalia 11:13
when you just want to order soda.
Gillian 11:15
Just leave me alone.
Gillian 11:18
Can you relate to that, though, in terms of Do you think that there is just as much shame around drinking as there is not drinking, you said just before no one made it a thing that you were drinking, it didn't become? Like a problem. But now that you're not drinking, it's become like the centre of attention.
Gillian 11:38
Yeah, I think there's more shame in not drinking than there is in drinking. Because when when I was drinking and going nuts, I was just kind of part of the group. Even though maybe I was the worst one in the group, I was still a member. And most of my, my, like, damage and consequences were all internal. They happen, you know, in private later in the night. And so No One No One shamed me, no one didn't want to hang around me. But now that I don't drink, it's like kind of weird. And it actually makes me feel a lot better that, that you can relate to that too, and what you said about going to a wedding and people like assume that you're pregnant
Mahalia 12:28
it's very normal, especially here.
Gillian 12:31
Yeah, maybe we just, you know, don't want to drink or like you said, you are somebody that can have, you know, just one drink. And that's cool. Maybe you just want to have one drink, you don't need to have five
Gillian 12:43
totally. But there are many people that are also on that level of just comfortable having just one drink. And what I found is, the more you aren't in that drinking with your buddies, or drinking all the time, you start to attract people who are on that same level as you. But also like, when I met my husband, he was the heaviest drinker. And I couldn't believe that I had attracted someone into my life who was such a big drinker, because I wasn't. And what I found is he was able to learn through the way that I was not a drinker, how much you can still have these incredible relationships with friends and family. Without it always involving alcohol. Have you found that your relationships with people have changed or gotten deeper or developed since you've stopped using alcohol as a way to connect with people
Gillian 13:32
Yeah, I identify a lot with your husband's limiting belief. I was terrified that there would be a big problem in my marriage, if I quit. My husband's one of those normal drinkers that, like has one beer and doesn't finish it. And that always blew my mind. The roles reversed.
Mahalia 13:56
I'm like your husband. And you're like, You're like my husband.
Gillian 13:59
I would finish this beer. I couldn't like Yeah. Um, yeah, so I was I was just really scared that we wouldn't Connect. We both used alcohol to connect with each other. Um, he, he kind of followed my lead with the drinking. Like he he wasn't a problem drinker or a mess in any way. But he definitely drank a lot more when I was drinking, just like going along with me and, and he was having fun. And he's like more of a reserved guy, and he doesn't really like to get super emotional and talk about feelings and deep thoughts. And I was scared that he wouldn't be able to connect with me if we weren't drinking together. And that was a fear that I carried along with me for a very long time. And once once we started going out and I was sober I was kind of weird, like I was different. And I was preventing the connection because I was scared. And after a couple times of like going on dates with each other, I learned to just relax a little bit. And now we connect more than ever, like just in the past eight months, like, my marriage is so much better than it was before. And like the amount that we connect now is, is crazy that I even thought we were connecting before that warms my heart so much
Mahalia 15:30
I can't tell you how much I can relate to that in the sense that I know what it's like to take away alcohol from a relationship and from a connection, and then to see the relationship blossom. So it's, it's so nice to hear that because not everybody gets that experience that you're having while your marriage and in such a great place. Especially if both parties to drink quite a lot. And then one decides that that's that they want to shift their relationship with alcohol. So I'm really happy to hear that.
Gillian 16:03
So I'm your husband was more like me, a big drinker and enjoyed it a lot. Did that influence you to kind of drink more than you wanted to, like, have fun with him? Or did it like fun to you at all?
Mahalia 16:22
Yeah, it really did. I had come to this really great place within myself just before I met him. And I think that's one of the reasons why I met him because I was in such a good place within myself. But I had only been, I wouldn't call it sober because I didn't completely like my what happened with me, I went through a really short period of my life where I was, I just had a terrible relationship with substance abuse. But it wasn't a very long period of my life. So my way to heal and overcome that I just had to change my relationship with myself. And I was on this amazing journey of healing. I was not on any medication anymore, because I had been on medication for a while with my mental health and was just so healthy and thriving. And my husband came along and we connected so deeply. And I literally remember saying he ticked every single box, except his drinking is really like it's going to take me a little bit to adjust. But if there's one thing I had learned don't change somebody. So it wasn't my job or responsibility to change his relationship with alcohol. So I kind of just went along with it. Because I was enjoying him so much. So exactly like he said, like I started drinking more, I put on like three kilos really quickly because I was I know, I know. And I was in a really good place within my body as well. I still remember the outfit that I wore an outfit date. And I remember thinking I'm never going to fit into this again. So I went through this journey, again, of having to come to terms with I actually don't enjoy the feeling of being drunk. Because I'm such a deep spiritual person. And one of the things when you drink too much you block your ability to be able to connect with your intuition. So I started really missing that. And then I had to just confront the drinking and have the conversations with him. And that was so tough, because he was in denial at the beginning. And it was really really hard for me because I cared and loved him so deeply. I still do to see him then have to go through his own journey and he came to these realisations that his alcohol, you know, his relationship with alcohol was not okay. And then he had to work through the psychology of where it came from. And then he stopped drinking a lot and of his friends and family again, you know, what's wrong with you? Why are you drinking but what was really beautiful is the people that really care and love him just learn to accept that that was his new way. And he grew a lot within himself. And it was nice for me because then I reverted back to what I enjoy, which is not drinking much. Yeah, he obviously had to go through his own journey of getting sober for a while, it could have easily have gone down the path of I could have started drinking and even to this day, we could both be really big drinkers and I he always says if I had met someone who was a drinker, he believes that he would probably still be an alcoholic. But he also taught me a lot as well because it made me realise I wasn't as strong as I realised. I think we always think we're stronger than we are when it comes to relationships with alcohol and in a way like yourself, it's so great that you're married with someone who respects your decision because if you're vulnerable when you're sober, and then you meet someone who's not that can really trigger past trauma and past habit.
Mahalia 19:48
What I found really fascinating when I listened to one of your episodes was you talk more about the science and what's happening in our brain when it comes to alcohol and and mental health. What were you studying because your knowledge of of, of all of that is is quite advanced.
Gillian 20:04
Yeah. So I, I have a chemistry degree and a biology degree. And I am a scientist, and I work on cancer research. So I don't, I don't study anything addiction related. My, my passion growing up was always psychology psychology was, was probably my second choice for a career. But I decided to go with science because I was very, very good at chemistry and math. But psychology has always been a main interest. And then when I quit drinking, that's when I started getting interested in the science. Um, because like I said, earlier, I I didn't develop an issue. I, I came into drinking with an issue, I already showed up with a problem before I even had a sip of alcohol. And I was just wondering, like, like, why am I different? What, what makes me this way? Why can't I just be like everybody else? That used to be something shameful that I would say to myself in the middle of the night, why can't I just be like everybody else? Why can't I be normal? But now it's, it's more of an inquisitive question. Like, why aren't I like everyone else? I think all of this research that I've done has just helped my sobriety because I've learned that there are a lot of genetic factors that exist, like it's a real thing. I've learned like, how I probably process alcohol a lot different than you do. And just in the fact that my body can process it, so well makes it more likely that I will drink a lot of it, like my husband will have a couple drinks. And later the same night, he will start like kind of feeling bad, like get headachy. And like, and I never felt bad. Until the next day, I always felt great. And just stuff like that, like I wanted to understand why. And it's ultimately helped my sobriety to be curious, I shared some MRI images on my Instagram account, and I discussed them in my most recent episode, in relation to alcohol cravings. And just learning how I'm going to use my husband, he's always my example, because he's a normal person. Like, if, if someone handed me a glass of wine, and handed my husband a glass of wine, I can picture right now, what our brains would look like. And his would just be, it would just be normal, like, just regular old brain activity. But if you looked at my brain, all of the pleasure centres in my brain would light up everything that's connected to like our pleasure system, and things that control motivation, and taking your feelings and converting them into actions and, and part of the brain that is actually involved in how, how we search for food, like our primal instinct to search for food that's also involved in in how we pursue alcohol and drugs. So that gets activated. And I think just recognising that, and I've also done some reading, I have to do more. But I've done some reading about the opioid receptors in the brain, like knockout studies in mice. So what they can do is, they can alter the mice genetically so that they don't have this specific receptor in the brain. And what they found is that those mice don't drink alcohol, where the other mice will drink alcohol. So it really just like removes the pleasure of it. So they've identified this receptor in the brain. It's called the mewar sceptre. And it contributes a lot to our pleasure, and why we enjoy alcohol. And I'm, like endorphins would bind there naturally, an alcohol can do the same thing. And I think just all of that is so cool. And I think for me, my husband would always joke about this, like, I would talk to him and I would say why, why am I like this? Why can't I just have three drinks and then be done? Why do I have to have 40 drinks? I don't even I never even liked being drunk. It wasn't a good feeling. I liked the buzz. And I wanted to just like hang there, but I always just got drunk and I hated it. The way he describes me He said that three drinks is really fun. But then my mind tells me that four would be even more fun, and so on. So I wanted to investigate, like, is that really a thing, and it actually is your brain changes to make you like it more. So more endorphins are released when I would take a drink than him, and different areas of the brain are triggered in me than him. So it's, it's actually shown that I enjoy it more than he does, which would make sense that I would pursue it. And you know, just keep drinking and drinking and drinking until either the alcohol is gone, or I go to sleep, because it just feels so good for me. That's so interesting, a little nerdy, but it's cool. I just think it's so cool.
Mahalia 25:51
No, it's, it's very cool. I can relate to that nerdy side of you, I'm so excited about how our brains, I mean, when you put the brain in the palm of the hand, it can really look similar, but when you analyse the brain, on MRI, or SPECT scans, the way that they light up and the areas that they show that they show pleasure, like you said, our brains is so different, and our past traumas and what have had what's happened to us also shaped our brain in a really unique way that that is us. And even if you go even deeper, where we're from, like our genetic makeup, who we are where we've come from. So it's it's so fascinating. But again, because alcohol is something that's so widely accepted, on a cultural level, people often forget how much it affects the brain. It's just something that you know, people talk about taking ecstasy or having cocaine to really looked at in such a negative way, like, what's that doing to your brain? How is that affecting your mental health? What's that doing to your social circle, how you going to ever have a good relationship, that's what people will feel and think if someone's using drugs, but alcohol sits in a very similar pocket. It's not as lethal to the brain. But you talk about how I found a quote that you actually uploaded, drinking alcohol is like pouring gasoline on your anxiety. And I connect with that so much, because we think that drinking will heal the anxiety and take away the feeling of anxiety. But really what it's doing is creating more anxiety because of what's going on in our brain and our body.
Gillian 27:25
That was a big motivation for me to stop drinking was I actually developed anxiety. It wasn't something that I ever had in my life before. I always had depression. But I developed anxiety in the last year of my drinking. And towards the end, it got so bad that it would, it would keep me up all night, like fighting off panic attacks and feeling crazy for multiple nights a week. And I was just really, really sleep deprived, which made me feel even crazier. And I know a lot of people that drink because of anxiety and it's actually Siena's, I think the number one contributor for relapse, it's it's like negative reinforcement, you know that if you drink, your anxiety will go away. And that's true, it calms the brain, but then it also changes the brain to make you be able to be less calm normally. So when you're normal, you're anxious. And that's why you drink and I literally caused anxiety from my drinking. And that's why the first episode was about that, because I was interested in like, how could I develop anxiety at 28 when I had never suffered from it before?
Mahalia 28:45
So turning it around to something a little bit more positive. As much as I feel like right brain health is possibly the most positive thing we as humans could talk about. What do you think and for you what it has the best thing being fee that's come from being sober.
Gillian 29:00
Um, so there are, there are two there was one that I felt was the best in early sobriety. And then the past couple months, I've realised I guess, the real best thing, but the first thing that I thought was stability, I was just stable and calm. There are no extreme highs and lows anymore. I can, I can regulate my emotions, I have control over you know, myself and how I react to things. Um, but the best thing is that I, I like myself now. And that probably sounds really simple and probably really sad at the same time, but I hated myself so much. When I was when I was growing up, I hated myself because everybody else hated me. So clearly, you know, there has to be something wrong with me if no one wants to be my friend. Friend. And then when I started drinking, I hated myself because I couldn't moderate my drinking. And I kept messing up and I gained weight. While I was drinking, I gained like 30 pounds. And I saw I hated my body. And I hated my personality, because I was always fighting with my husband or, or just like, being very emotional and not like myself, and I was just constantly beating myself up, I would, I would wake up in the middle of the night, and it would be like a cue, like, time to hate yourself right now. No more sleep. And when I quit drinking, I didn't realise this for a while, I didn't realise it. Um, I guess, May was when I realised it, which was six months in, I was like checking myself out in the mirror. And I was actually like, really happy with what I saw. And then it clicked, I was like, wow, I liked myself. I like the way I look. I like who I am. I think that I'm a cool person, like, not everybody has to like me. But I think I am likeable, I think that I could be a good friend for people. And I just enjoy spending time with myself. And I think that was a really nice realisation, the crossover from hating myself to, to just liking myself
Mahalia 31:23
that's the most, I'm sorry, go. You've made me all get a big lump in my throat. I think that the most important relationship we will ever have in this life is with ourselves. And if you can love yourself, even if you can love yourself a little bit, and know that there is more to the journey of self love. That's like the Key of Life, because then you open yourself up to positivity and being in a really beautiful state. So hearing you say that is such an empowering thing. The fact that you're at this stage with, you know, you got there within six months, I think that's incredible. And I really hope that someone out there, heard you say that, and can see that, it's easy to turn it around, if you if you do the work, because you have to do the work, you'd know that you need to do the work to be able to get to that point. But removing alcohol helped you fast track that.
Gillian 32:23
Yeah, alcohol is holding me back from literally everything good. I mean, I obviously have a couple degrees and I have a good career. I always perform well in my job, but I would just go to work, and then I would drink. And that was that was my existence. And I wanted to lose weight. I wanted to, um, I don't know, I wanted to take better care of my nails and like, do my nails every week. Like little things even when you're either like drunk or hungover all the time. nails are not very important. Cleaning your house is not very important. And, and every time I would wake up hungover and I and I could see like a physical representation of how blown up my life was. It just, it kept this cycle going of self hatred and, and removing the cause, which was alcohol allowed me to just create the life that I wanted.
Gillian 33:28
so inspiring. It really is sink them in, even if it's not alcohol. Yeah. And it's something else. just removing that and allowing, you know, the true you to come through. Because she was always there, right? She was always there.
Gillian 33:44
Yeah, I feel like I went to sleep at 22 when I started drinking, and then I have just woken up now. I woke up when I was 29. And, and now I can just like start living and I do agree with you, I think we all have, we all have our thing, I think my thing was just extremely disruptive. Like some people's thing, you know, might be chocolate, and that's not going to destroy their life. But I know something that you are passionate about is is like the idea of limiting beliefs and, and breaking those down. And I think that we all carry a lot of limiting beliefs about our thing. And we believe that it it is essential for a good life. You need it to have fun, like we were talking about in the beginning. You need alcohol to celebrate or go to a wedding or do all these things and, and all of these limiting beliefs kind of build on each other and make it feel impossible to get rid of this thing that you also know is horrible for your life and and it's scary and I think that everybody struggles with that in a different way.
Gillian 34:57
It's a comfort zone as well. I think When you're when you're raised in an environment where it is acceptable, and it's the normal, and you associate it with times of fun times of feeling good, when it becomes your sense of normal and comfort, yeah, breaking that down, breaking that barrier is really confronting and scary, because you don't know what's on the other side of that. So talking to people about when they have discovered what's on the other side of that belief, or that thought, it can be really empowering. Because, yes, it can be really hard and challenging in the beginning, but once you work through that, there's so much good that comes from it, like you've shared with us today. There's, there's so much good that has come from your sobriety. And I think one little reminder that I would like to give you today is those times in your life which have been so significant, like your wedding, and you blacked out towards the end, or there's probably been many more celebrations in your life that you had from 22, for those, that significant part of your life. But think about how young you are, and how many more times there's going to be celebrations that you will be able to enjoy with open eyes, and clear vision, it's a really exciting thing to to have that I see so many people getting to the stage of their 40s, or their 50s, or their 60s and then making the decision to change. So it's really powerful that you were able to come to this realisation of yourself to be able to work through such a young age.
Gillian 36:30
Yeah, I am extremely grateful that I quit drinking at 29. And, and took back my life. I actually talked to my husband about how upsetting just the the memory of the end, like our wedding was beautiful. It was amazing. But I blacked out for the last hour and it kind of tainted it. And we we do have plans to renew our vows and you know, create a new memory there. So I'm just looking forward to experiencing all that sober, I think going to other people's weddings and not being obsessed with getting my next drink. And just being there to actually celebrate them. Yeah, like I'm supposed to be No, I think I think all of those celebrations will be really what they're meant to be now.
Mahalia 37:18
And it's it's it's a nice little comfortable spot to be rather than being uncomfortable hunting for that next drink, like you said,
Gillian 37:25
and then feeling the shame.
Mahalia 37:28
Yeah,
Gillian 37:28
no more shame,
Mahalia 37:30
no more shame. It's very powerful. So if there is someone out there who is really struggling, might be completely unaware of their relationship with alcohol. Whether they are or they aren't, what's a piece of wisdom that you would like to share with them?
Gillian 37:48
I think it's a very powerful question. I think you can answer easily. But I really wanted to think about what I would tell younger me, I believe that I did hit my own version of rock bottom, I don't think that I'm the classical alcoholic that, you know, got a DUI and got arrested and, and like, did all this extreme stuff. But I hit my version of it. And like I said, My damage was internal. So my rock bottom wasn't as big. But I think that if we don't want to have to hit our rock bottom, I think reflection is very important. And I wish that I just was curious. Like, why is it so important? I I tried to moderate. For five years, I tried to come up with all these rules and strategies, and I would write them down and make all these plans. And and if I had just asked myself, why is this so important? Why is it? Why is it so worth it to keep drinking? If it makes you so miserable?
Gillian 39:02
Like, what benefits? Are you getting out of this? I think if I was just even a little bit curious. It could have opened the door to to just learning more about myself and maybe coming to the conclusion sooner in my life. I mean, I'm happy that that I did hit my rock bottom in a way because now I can I can use that to help other people not do the same thing. But I would just encourage whoever's listening, just be curious, whatever your thing is. Just ask yourself, why is it so important? And see,
Mahalia 39:38
see what is on the only other side of that? Definitely a good question.
Gillian 39:42
Yeah, I'm thinking what would I have said, what would you know? 26 or 27 year old me? What would I have said? If if like my husband said to me, why? Why is drinking so important to you?
Gillian 39:56
Because you really then uncover what's on the other side of that.
Gillian 39:59
Yes. cuz there might be nothing on the other side, or like, a week and a half answer that isn't a real answer. You know, like, Oh, it's fun.
Mahalia 40:13
Well, so is bungee jumping?
Gillian 40:16
Yeah. There's lots of fun.
Mahalia 40:18
Yes, actually bungee jumping I don't consider that fun. I don't know why I said that, interesting? Some people think it's fun. Can I ask you like, past self? You? If If your husband had said, Why is drinking important to you? Why is it so important to you? What would you have said then?
Gillian 40:37
I mean, he probably would have asked me while I was drinking, and then I would have fought with him. But if he had asked me on a day where I was, you know, I wasn't feeling so bad, I would have really struggled to answer it. I think that I, I was so obsessed with the idea. Or the fact that alcohol is fun. Like, that was my version of a limiting belief. You can't have fun without it. And that was a big struggle for me in quitting. I did not believe that I would ever have fun again, if I didn't drink. And I think I would have said something like that. But it probably would have been really pathetic. Like, like, oh, cuz alcohol is fun. And then all you would have had to say was, but you're miserable all the time. If you stay up all night, hating yourself, and crying, doesn't seem fun
Mahalia 41:33
What about the next day? haha
Gillian 41:37
Well its fun Before that. haha
Gillian 41:40
I can really relate to a lot of the stuff you've said today.
Gillian 41:43
Yeah, me too. For the things he said. I think this was this was a very surprising and enlightening conversation, really getting to know you better.
Mahalia 41:53
Yeah, you too. It was amazing. Well, on that note, we might wrap it up. But thank you for coming on today's episode and sharing part of your journey and having the courage to be real and authentic about it. I've loved chatting with you. And it's never easy to share something whether it's traumatic or enlightening. So I just want to thank you for being here and being super real and authentic.
Gillian 42:18
Thank you. I appreciate that. And thank you for having me
Mahalia 42:23
Listeners...Thank you for tuning in today. That concludes another episode of The Uncovery. I hope you enjoyed that. I was so excited and I'm sure you could hear that in the interview. Please remember to leave a review and to subscribe. If you would like to connect with me you can add Mahalia jane.com Until next week, take care of yourself and have an amazing day.