How Adoption Shaped My Life | with Mark Stefanoff

Is it ok to talk about being adopted? Is being adoption normal? Should I find my biological parents?  Am I going to grow up not knowing where I've come from? These were questions Mark pondered when he was a young boy coming to terms with being adopted.

In this episode, I chat with Mark Stefanoff, a singer, dancer and actor who grew up in the small town of Waikerie South Australia. Mark came to the nation's attention when he was featured on The Voice Australia and Ricky Martin changed his life by offering him help to get to Broadway. But, it hasn't always been an easy road for Mark.

As we dive in deep, Mark openly shares his adoption story and the reason behind why he decided to find his biological mother and the experience that followed. Plus, we talk about the self-acceptance he developed along the way. This is truly a beautiful journey of courage, love and healing.

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Mahalia, Mark

Mahalia  00:04

Hi, welcome to the uncovery podcast. I'm your host, Mahalia Jane. Every episode I take you on a journey, talking about live, well being and mental healing. The uncovery connects with different people from different places who share stories, of course, and enlightenment. It's my passion and privilege to be here guiding you with my own truth and experiences because it is possible to live in a beautiful state. 

Mahalia  00:40

On today's episode, I chat to Mark Stefanoff about his experience being adopted. Mark is a performer and a multi-instrumentalist from South Australia, who has never openly shared his adoption story. I admire Mark's willingness to be so open throughout, as we also do speak about what it was like to be openly gay and adopted in a very small community. 

Mahalia  01:02

Hello, Mark. Welcome. And thank you for joining me on today's episode,

Mark  01:09

thank you for having me. It's a joy to be here.

Mahalia  01:12

Yay. So a little bit of a backstory mark. And I have actually known each other for a few years, and we've become quite close over the last couple of years. But one thing we've never actually spoken about on a deeper level is Mark's adoption and his journey and experience of what it was like to be adopted. So I know that there are lots of types of adoption, whether it's closed, open overseas. But Mark, what type of adoption Did you and your family have?

Mark  01:44

So I had a closed adoption, basically, that means that the, there is no communication from the birth mother or birth family. Until 18. And if so, I it's only at my choice if there was a debate. So it's a very one-sided thing.

Mahalia  02:05

It's great that you had that choice because I've heard not many people do get that choice. But still, you've never really spoken about this in-depth with anyone have you?

Mark  02:15

like I talked about it. And like we've we've had small chats about it. And I've talked about it with like family and friends, but it's not something that I've really delved into on such a deep level before. Yeah, I'm quite nervous, actually. 

Mahalia  02:25

Oh, don't nervous. It's just me. And whoever else is out there listening. 

Mark  02:31

Hello, and welcome. 

Mahalia  02:32

Hello, and welcome. Thanks for telling me about the topic of adoption. I didn't know that. That's something we could talk about for hours. But the main reason I brought you on the show is I really want to learn more about your journey, the mark journey and how it felt for you and what your experience was like. So tell me the first thing about your journey and being adopted and what that was like,

Mark  02:57

the one thing that was incredible from the beginning my parents normalised adoption for me growing up so that it was never like, I'm adopted, that's so weird. So as a child, like, how do you actually break that something like that down to them, and they were incredibly clever, they had what was called the baby Mark book. And so it was like a little interactive book for me. That was about my like, my little journey as such. And so I'd always have like the baby Mark's story, growing up, and that was just such an incredible level of parenting right there to be able to, from a young age just for me to be able to go, I love this story. It wasn't until I think, probably like, mid primary school about you, for you five, when I started realising that, that story in itself, and my childhood was very different. Other children's,

Mahalia  03:55

but it was normal because it was your normal right from the beginning.

Mark  04:00

It was the norm. Yeah, absolutely. And I think it was, I'm trying to think it was I think it for actually, and it was just a discussion that we had in year four, I think in health, there was this whole thing that kind of like for me in my head, I was like, hang on, but that wasn't what I went through. That was different. And so I think that was the first time and I think I even talked about it with children cuz I mean, as a kid, it's not something you really, like throw up at McDonald's birthday party, like, Hey, guys, I'm adopted. It was really more like a moment for me to go, oh, who do I talk to about this? So I remember having a chat to this kid, James, who we used to carpool with every day and being like, so. What do you know about adoption and he literally knew nothing? And so that I think for me was a moment where I was like, hang on, this is so normal to me, but it is so unspoken, and I mean, we're talking like the 90s here, where it Adoption adopting within Australia was very hard. I think mum and dad said that they had done an application. I think that's like six years that they waited to get me. It was something that wasn't really yet talked about. And so when I tried to then bring it to light, I did start getting shut down by peers and stuff being like, Oh, that's weird. That's weird. You're, you're not you're your parents' child. You're not this. And I think then for me, it kind of made me cocoon back into this. Like, well, it's not normal. And there's something wrong with me.

Mahalia  05:34

Imagine if you'd been homeschooled. Right? Right. We need his children his unconditional, original love. Yeah. And oh, my goodness, cannot school make us feel anything different?

Mark  05:45

And I think it's hard. That was the thing. Like, I think that was a major flip in my brain at that time of like, well, you're different. And so then I started putting a label on myself. And I mean, come on, like, we know what, what school is like. I mean, it's, it's hard enough just trying to grow up as a kid and find your place in the world. And then you put something like this in the works, and then you start feeling I'm not normal. I'm weird. I'm this I'm not right. Where do I fit? Where's my home? Who, who's my family and to take away nothing from my, my adoptive family? Because I have really struck gold. I won the lottery with them. I and my upbringing were just incredible.

Mark  06:27

And they are really incredible parents. Did kids asking you those questions and making you feel a shift in what felt normal to you? Did you then ask your parents more questions about where you're from and have a curiosity about your biological mom and dad? 

Mark  06:45

No, that was all incorporated into that story. And so that it was never a thing of like, there were very few questions, like logical questions that I had to ask. I mean, constantly, I think when I when I got to that more angsty like 11 12 13 age, mom and dad really made sure that if there was something that I needed to know, they would address it and make it in a way that is understandable to a kid. Because again, this isn't, this is all being said to a child.

Mahalia  07:17

Yeah. Did you ask your parents and find out their reasons behind why they adopted you? 

Mark  07:24

Yeah, I did. Um, and I mean, that was a, it was a hard decision, I think. But they definitely made me aware of it. So that I knew and it was part of that, that whole story.

Mahalia  07:37

So how old were you then?

Mahalia  07:38

I don't even know that answer. 

Mark  07:40

I was a matter of months. But before I was adopted, I went through, like the foster type system. Before my adoptive family were able to get me so I can't even remember the exact age. But I'm a matter of, yeah.

Mahalia  07:57

Did you ever feel upset that you're adopted? 

Mark  08:00

And I began to be upset that I was different. I don't think I was upset that I was adopted. I don't think that ever was a thing. But I think my mindset was, I'm different. And I mean, I was always, I mean, look at me now. I've always been different. But this was like, something that's so normal, like you think is so normal, like birth, and like procreation, and then growing up with your family. Whilst I did that, I did that in two different states and in two different worlds as such. So yeah

Mahalia  08:36

I can imagine, did the experience of your school years kids making you feel it wasn't normal? Was that the ammo that made you want to look up your biological parents?

Mark  08:49

like the process of tracking down my birth parents came much later in life? I think, for me at the time in school, I was just trying to find that answer of like, Where do I belong? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Because even though like, as I said, like, my family life was great. There were other kids being like, well, they're not your real mom and dad. And I mean, when you have that going through your head nearly on a daily basis, you then do start questioning and it's like, well, hang on what they are, I call them mum and dad and my brother like they are my family isn't, aren't they my family? I mean, it's hard because kids are cruel. And I mean, they'll find anything that they can that's ever so slightly different. And I think that made me especially different. I was the only kid that I knew who was adopted.

Mahalia  09:35

I can't remember ever having anyone around me when I was young that was adopted. So you definitely raise something there that makes me think what I find so fascinating about your journey is how much your experience was. You were really brought into this world with so much love and when we talk about abandonment or attachment issues within people's Psychology, a lot of that stems from that early stages of development in life. And with you, I mean, we have touched on the fact that there is a close link between people that are adopted, who do then later develop these abandonment and attachment issues. So you did have such a beautiful, loving upbringing. But you know, it's something that we have spoken about before, within your experience in relationships, especially,

Mark  10:32

it was that and that's it. I mean, it's interesting, though, that you talk about that abandonment stuff because the one thing that mom and dad like would tell me is going through the adoption process as a kid, you don't literally just go from hospital to home, there's that process in the fostering system that you may have to enter into. And so I had been passed around that much as a baby that when mom and dad did get me, I was a very closed fist, and I didn't like people holding me. And I mean, that as a parent must be so hard, because this is like, the time that you think I get to hold my child, but they can see this frustration of where do I belong as a child as a baby? Like, that must have been so hard on them,

Mahalia  11:13

but I can imagine that would have been equally as hard on you. And something you would have carried here your life

Mark  11:21

100% I mean, I even feel guilty for it. Like with mom and dad, like there, there are times that I'm like, well, they didn't do anything wrong. Like why? Why did they deserve to have a child that had that but of course, it wasn't from a conscious point of view, like, you're talking those early stages of life. I mean, I went through a lot of like, samonas sound therapy, I went through, like, I did have regular talks with counsellors and things like that for my schools. So I was always able to talk and vent and there was always a solution. But the thing is, I think, for me is like, the one question I had was, why does there need to be a solution? For something that should be so normal?

Mahalia  12:03

It is normal? Yes.

Mark  12:05

I mean, I look at it now. 2020, like talking about adoption is is like deciding what's having brunch, like, people are happy to bring it up on the table. But I think back then especially, it just wasn't there was no education around it. There was no programme as such, maybe there was maybe I'm naive to this. But I, I don't remember there ever being anything like this that's readily available to the families.

Mahalia  12:29

So Mark, how did you then come to the decision that you wanted to find out more information or potentially meet your biological family?

Mark  12:39

I had always said to mum and dad that I was always interested to know who my family was not, not because I didn't love my, my adoptive family. But it's just that curiosity that I had of like, Well, is there someone out there that looks like me? Do I look like someone else? Like, do I do I have those things that went when I got later in life? It became well, are there health issues? Do I have things that I should be aware of? That comes down through the family?

Mahalia  13:12

Ah, so it became more about your genetic makeup? 

Mark  13:17

Yeah. Just that inquisitive mind of being like, I'm just interested. I know that when I finally made the decision to search for my birth parents, it was because I was ready. It wasn't that I had gone day after day of like, Nah, today's date says that I've got to wait till this time. And it's happening. I think it just got to a point in my life where I was like, I'm at ease, and I'm ready. Because if I'd done it before, oh, my God, I think I would have been dragging myself, my family and this new family into God knows what I just it would have been mayhem. I think like mental mayhem,

Mahalia  13:55

being mentally strong was important.

Mark  13:58

Yeah, my biggest thing about it was being able to say, thank you for giving me life. And I mean, until you're ready to accept the fact that you might reach out and then maybe, nothing back. I mean, that's the scary reality. You might be putting yourself out there to go. I'm ready to meet these people. Are they ready to meet me though? When do they even want to meet me? And so being able to go the rejection side of it, you're okay, if nothing happens, that's when I knew I was ready.

Mahalia  14:33

And when the day came, I can imagine you would have been really emotional. But was it also a celebration and a joyful moment?

Mark  14:43

I mean, it was all of those things and more, I think, because this is the thing, there's no there's no book on telling you how to meet your mom or your dad like, because you just grow up naturally. You grow up with your family. And so for me, it's That thing of like, well hang on I'm, I'm about to meet the like the oj the person that literally gave me life. What do I say? What do I do? What do I wear? How do I look? How do I feel like you go through basically, it's like the most epic first date you ever go on. Because you've got everything and a lifetime of like, literally your entire life has led to a moment like this. And you wouldn't be having this moment in life if it wasn't for that person.

Mahalia  15:30

So you felt more of a sense of gratitude than anything towards her

Mark  15:34

overwhelming gratitude. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Gratitude, beyond belief.

Mahalia  15:41

And when you met her, and when that day came, did you think that there would be some epic conclusion of contentment, like all the pieces of the puzzle of your life, just connect and make sense.

Mark  15:55

I had this preconceived idea that the moment that I met that person, any hole that I ever had, would be filled. And I think that's because of the way that I, those thoughts as a teenager, where you go, there's something that's not filled, and so that person has to feel it, and they must fit that mould. And so I had that preconceived idea that and this narrative that I had, basically given myself that this is, this will all be fixed as soon as I meet these people, and was it? No, because I like, of course, it was an incredible and overwhelming and happy and, and like, every emotion that I could have felt I did. But I think their purpose, there isn't to feel that like that. They're, they're in a new chapter of their life. And so I guess it was really confusing for me to know, also, like, what their involvement with me would be. And if they wanted any involvement, I mean, that's the other thing. Like, you never know, like, you're looking 21 years down the track what, what's happening?

Mahalia  17:03

What was the first thing that you wanted to ask her and the family?

Mark  17:08

I guess the first thing I wanted to ask them was, are you okay? Like, how are you? And it was never, it was never a matter of why. Because as mom and dad had always said she was very young, that always included that in the story, she was only 15 and a half or 16, when she had made, which, I mean, you think of like the equivalent of like, a year 11 student going through this. And, by the way, she had gone through this on her own, she hadn't told her family that she was pregnant. So she had literally gone into labour and basically had to go through everything alone. And that's when she told her family when she was in labour. So that's a big thing to go through. And so more than anything, I wanted to know, if, if they were okay, with what had happened, and how have they coped?

Mahalia  17:57

Because she would have lost her baby, she would have lost the connection that she had with you. And that 

Mark  18:03

Yeah, like that would then affect her relationship with, like, future children if she was going to have children if she had children. And if that had an impact on that, and like, I mean, the great thing is I do now have love a beautiful like half sister and half brother, and they're great like that awesome kids. I say kids, but they're like, literally 18 and canes. Oh my god, they're all crying. They're 40 Oh, God. Now I feel. But yeah, I never knew if that would then stop her from having another child. Or if that relationship that she had at that time, which resulted in May, was that one-time thing that she was able to move through?

Mahalia  18:46

And while you were meeting her, how did your adopted parents feel about that?

Mark  18:50

I think, obviously, there's always going to be a bit of hesitation or a bit of uncertainty of like, what could happen. And I think the biggest part is that they didn't want me to be hurt. I needed to reassure them that they are my parents, no one is going to feel that they have raised me and this is my biggest thing of and I say it too. When people ask me about adoption, I say, Look, my birth mother gave me a life. And my adoptive family gave me a life to live. And they are two very separate things. But they are both equally important. And because obviously, without my birth mom, Jim and Judy, my adoptive parents would not have been able to raise me and give me this incredible life that I've had

Mahalia  19:33

that is so beautiful that you view this.

Mark  19:36

And I'm so fortunate, and I think in that regard that I am so lucky that like I can look at it now and go well look, I've got I've got two sides. I've got like, I've got the coolest family in the world. And then I've also got, like these other family who I didn't even know I had really like that connection that I was hoping that might be there. I mean, and it turned out that it was there. That was The most exciting thing, but I think it was definitely having to reassure even though I knew that they would be okay, I wanted to make sure that they knew that my relationship with them was not going to change as parents,

Mahalia  20:13

and if your biological mom hadn't been available or wasn't open to meeting you, because that does happen in quite a lot of cases. Do you think he would have felt like there was something missing? Or would you have been able to live with that and been content with that outcome?

Mark  20:29

date down, I would have felt sad and disheartened that I would have maybe not a missing link. But unanswered questions, I think would have probably been the biggest thing. But I think it was going back to that thing of like, I was at peace with that rejection of knowing, like having a closed adoption, and not being able to find any information till I was 18. at all, I knew, like there was no hurry. It wasn't like, as soon as I turned 18 I was like, I have to go and meet like, it was not Yeah, it wasn't gonna be that.

Mahalia  21:01

And because it wasn't that kind of set age. Now. I'm ready. Now is the time. How did you meet her? Did she reach out first? Did you reach out did adoptions essay get involved? Tell me what happened for you. Yeah, so

Mark  21:17

the Great question, because this is the thing, like, no story, I think is ever the same, really with this. And for me, I, I think I was about 19. And I got went to adoptions essay and got like my original birth certificate. And that had like my birth, mother's name and things like that on it. So I think I'd gone and got some information. But then I hadn't really followed through because I was I was into state, I was doing uni, I was doing shows, and I was kind of at a point where I was like, I'm not ready for this yet. I'm not ready. And I made him speak grounded in in my life before I entered into into that. So then one day, I was like, Oh my god, this is gonna be so hard to find her. It's going to be such a stress, like, I have to go through adoptions essay, or do I write a letter and leave it with them? And then hopefully, she might get contacted? And then I was like, You know what, I'm just gonna type her name into Facebook. And, and I literally did that. And there she was staring back at me. And I was like, Oh, my God. This was so easy. Like, what do I do? And I think, and my partner at the time, he was like, What are you going to do? And I said, I think I think I need a message her. I think, like, with technology as it is, I don't see any reason why I don't. And then probably the next like, 24 hours, I was tossing antennae be like, no, I caught that. So inappropriate. I can't just message her on Facebook, like i'd message a friend. But then it was that thing of I think Ben actually asked me the question, I was like, Well, what do you want to get out of it? And all I wanted to get out of it was to say thank you. And even if that's all that it was that she didn't reply, and all it was was, she could know that, thank you for giving me the best life and thank you for giving me a life. And I mean for not going down the path of abortion and terminating my life because in doing so I've I've lived a life that people could only potentially dream of, and I'm so grateful for that. So I wrote this massive long Facebook message to her. And she wrote back maybe

Mahalia  23:32

I just say that would have been so intense. Oh my god,

Mark  23:35

can you imagine? Like, even like being on the toilet, and then writing a message? Hi, I'm your son. Like, wouldn't you wouldn't expect that on a Tuesday. Like it's to be going about your business? How would

Mahalia  23:48

you know that it was legit, authentic,

Mark  23:51

authentic. Yeah.

Mahalia  23:52

How would you know? Wow. That's pretty incredible.

Mark  23:58

I got a message maybe about 20 minutes later. Yeah. From say, basically saying, I've got this. I just need

Mahalia  24:05

time. Yeah. Did you expect a reply from her?

Mark  24:09

I had no preconceived idea and no expectation of what would come out of that message. And so I think it was really for me just to be able to get my piece out there and say thank you and acknowledge the sacrifice ideal, like eventually that she actually had made. And so it was Yeah, that's what it was. For me. 

Mahalia  24:29

It was your emotional journey, something you needed to go through your process.

Mark  24:33

This is the thing like, ah, I would have thought about that moment, thousands upon thousands of times in my life, and now that I was faced with it, I had to I had to normalise it. I really did have to normalise it be like this is just a person. Yes, it's the person that gave me life. But I just have to talk to them as a human being and have an interaction or connection like I would with anyone else to make it as normal as I can also fit them now. 

Mahalia  24:59

Mark, you are such a talented and gifted musician and artists 

Mark  25:06

Coming from you, thank you.

Mahalia  25:07

Thank you, you've travelled the world with your music, you've been on TV, and you're so comfortable within your art and expressing yourself. And you're also extremely comfortable within your sexuality. You've been openly gay for a very long time. Yeah. And because of that, I think it's some I just wonder for you, did you ever question if being gay was somehow connected to your biological family? Because I know, your adopted family made you feel so accepted? And so welcome in who you are? Yeah. Or did it just never crossed your mind? Because I don't know what it feels like to be gay? No, I definitely don't know if that's something that because you are so content, and you know who you are within your sexuality, then that's enough. Always there question marks around that for you?

Mark  26:02

I mean, you've got it in one there that like already my identity of who who am I when it comes to my family, and then you go, hang on Who am I in my sexuality and in my, my place in life? So I mean, I had, like, literally every bit of questioning throughout my life that I could have, like, I think I've, I've gotten through the words, and I think definitely you go through the bullying, like, oh, a lot of kids go through bullying. I mean, I came from a very small country town, I was born in way cream in up in the river land. And so I think, also there was that fear of being gay, would I be accepted? Because it wasn't city living. It's not like I'm someone who is openly gay may not be like to put it bluntly, in the words a Little Britain, the only gay in the village-like, was that gonna be the case. And for me, it was the complete opposite, I was welcomed with open arms, like thank everyone from my birth family that I met, they just they treated me like any other human being. And that was just the most incredible thing

Mahalia  27:13

that's really beautiful. Because what more could you want them to be welcomed with open arms and loved and accepted? Because you are putting yourself out there. And it's incredible, that you had such a positive outcome from your experience. And from meeting your biological mom, a lot of people don't have that. And a lot of people face rejection. So I'm very happy that this was your experience, and that you're able to be grateful to her rather than have resentment of why didn't you hold on to me? So coming back to your adopted parents? How did they feel through this? And how has your relationship been with them since because I know other people judged you because you had reached out and saying your parents be such beautiful parents? There was a little bit of judgement of all, why would you do that? Because you have such incredible parents? So has this shifted your relationship with your parents at all?

Mark  28:19

No, if anything, it actually made me appreciate the love for me that they had even more because they were willing to be to go Yeah, of course, you go and meet whatever you need to do. And that was incredible. And I mean, it's that thing of like, I'm sorry, like, what what we do in our life, what I what? my sexuality, my family, whatever happens behind closed doors doesn't dictate me as a person, and nor should it then dictate my future. And I think that's really something that people misunderstand. Because there are stereotypes, whether it be about family, about sexuality, about religion, whatever it may be. But we all like we are all in charge of our life. And we we will not be defined Absolutely. In any way, shape or form. Yes.

Mahalia  29:03

Well said, Mark. I love that. And thank you so much for coming here and sharing this and being so open and raw, because I know that took a lot of courage. 

Mahalia  29:14

Thank you. 

Mark  29:15

I think I just appreciate the opportunity to talk about something that I mean, it's healing for me if I can, it's it's almost therapy wise for me, because I don't get to talk about this often. And I really appreciate the opportunity to make people aware that it's it, it's normal, and it's okay.

Mahalia  29:33

It's okay. It is okay. adoption is part of life. It's part of the human experience. So thank you for being so open and sharing such a deep part of yourself in your life. Mark has offered his support to anyone out there who has any questions, so please feel free to reach out 

Mark  29:52

please do

Mahalia  29:54

You can get in contact with Mark by contacting me directly at Mahalia jane.com 

Mark  30:01

really appreciate it. Thanks

Mahalia  30:03

Hello, listeners. That concludes another episode of The uncovery podcast. I hope you enjoy today's episode as much as I did. I would love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a comment or any questions you have and make sure you subscribe. Because next week, I'll be bringing another episode to you. until then take care of yourself. Be safe, be well