Surviving a Break Up and Navigating First Dates | with Natasha Marie

Surviving a Break Up and Navigating First Dates with Breakup Coach Natasha Marie

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Transcript

SPEAKERS

Natasha Marie, Mahalia Jane

Mahalia Jane  00:04

Hi, welcome to the uncovery podcast. I'm your host, Mahalia Jane. Every episode I take you on a journey, talking about life, wellbeing, and mental healing. The uncovering connects with different people from different places who share stories of growth and enlightenment. It's my passion and privilege to be here guiding you with my own truth and experiences. Because it is possible to live in a beautiful state. There are so many things in our life that we need help with that we need healing with. And breakups is one of them. healing from a breakup or healing from losing someone that you absolutely love and nurturing yourself in that process. It's very important. Today, I welcome Natasha, who is a breakup coach from the UK. Now we did things a little bit differently on this episode, rather than a face to face well, screen to screen interview with set questions, we've left this unedited and had more of a conversation about our experiences, some advice on people who may be going through a breakup, or maybe you're single, and you're in the dating game. So wherever you're at, whoever you are, I hope this interview serves you and leaves you feeling full within your heart. Welcome to the uncovering is Tasha, thank you so much for being here.

Natasha Marie  01:37

Thank you so much for having me. It's such an honour to be here today. Thank you.

Mahalia Jane  01:41

So kind of you to say so I just first want to say how did we connect? Because that's very important for listeners to know.

Natasha Marie  01:49

Yeah, so we so I essentially had listened to one of your episodes, and from from the podcast, and then I reached out to you, I had a look through your Instagram page. I just loved the vibe. And I was like, Oh my gosh, she's so cool. I love what she's posting. And it really stuck with me as a breakup and reinvention coach to connect with like minded souls. And here we are today.

Mahalia Jane  02:14

Here we are today. And I've mentioned to today already that I'm having one of those days where my brain is travelling in front of my body. So the words that are coming out are a bit scrambled today. So always a great day to do a podcast. But we've decided to do something together a little bit different today, haven't we? Yeah. Yes, we're going to do a bit of a live episode. And I say live because there's going to be no edits. You hear everything, whatever comes out whatever words whatever sneezes, whatever. coughs COVID safezone. Of course, we will be including in today's episode. I love that. I love that. Yeah. So tell me how you got started into wanting to become a breakup coach?

Natasha Marie  03:02

Yeah. So it's really funny because I am. I went through a pretty horrendous breakup probably about five years ago. And I, at the time, I thought I needed. I thought I was overweight, even though I was at my skinniest. And it was like, Oh, I need to lose weight. That's the reason why he left me. So I thought to myself, right, I'll do a seven day Bikini Body challenge. And it just so happened that my friend was running this and she was a coach. And I gone through a challenge. And then we started talking and she was like, Oh, you know, I can help you with heartbreak and this emotional eating that you're going through. And I saw and I've worked with her, and then she was kind of the reason why I kind of came into this world essentially, as a coach. But the funny thing was, is I looked back and I thought to myself, actually back then I didn't need an emotional eating coach, I needed a break up coach. And it was in that moment that I realised that I was in this space of I really need to help women navigate gets through this period of I'm heartbroken. I'm crying in the shower. I'm waking up every morning, completely lost to actually doing a bit of a flick around and being like no, you know, I can wake up I can do things I can find a partner and actually want to find somebody who was nothing like my ex. And I actually want to live the life, which I know I deserve. So this was um, this is kind of how this all came about. And it was a really organic way of just sort of like navigating through my own life and then somehow I'm now a coach and it was mainly the breakup side was because I had so Much empathy and so much love to give, and knowledge, you know, they say if you're going to go through any form of counselling, therapy coaching, it's, it's about having somebody who actually has been through it, because they have that experience, which hasn't been read from a textbook, you know?

Mahalia Jane  05:20

Yeah, I agree with you. A lot of my clients feel comfort, because they know that they're speaking to someone who has had their own personal journey. And the only way you can really decide which line of coaching you want to go into is when you have had that experience. So

05:38

absolutely. Yeah.

Mahalia Jane  05:41

I mean, we've all been through heartbreak, or not all of us, there are some people out there that met their high school sweetheart at 16, and then got married, and they're still together, which is incredible. But for you, Was this your first hard breakup? Or had you been through them before?

Natasha Marie  06:02

So I had, prior to, prior to that, I had never really been in a relationship before. Because I had been off the mindset, you know, you meet one person, you, you know, you do everything with that one person. And then that's it. And even when they're all struggles, you hold on to them, because essentially, that is what I had seen in my parents relationship. So I really was projecting their relationship onto my own. And it's funny because of any of, for any of your listeners who can identify with this, it's something which you don't realise until you're necessarily out of that relationship when you look back. And reflection is such a big thing. Because that relationship was my Fest, and had I had been in that space of, it's okay to let go and not try to almost, like hold on for dear life because, and it's a funny I was we were we had this like running thing every six months, he would try to leave me. And I'm a very persistent woman. So he, he couldn't get away until it was until I was like, I can't hold on anymore. And it was it's so funny. I laugh about it now. But back then it was such a, it was such a difficulty. Because I knew every six months, this guy was essentially going to say to me, like, I don't know what I want. And after you've been with someone for like, three, three and a half years, you would think to yourself, how? How can you not say you love me? And how can you not say you don't know what you want. And I think that's such a, it's such a funny thing to say now, but actually living through that I can appreciate that it was probably one of the hardest things that anybody could go through just that level of uncertainty in your relationship, you know,

Mahalia Jane  07:50

yeah. And it's no wonder that you came out of that relationship with self worth being your main focus. Because if someone's questioning whether they want to be in a relationship with you, that goes somewhere deep inside, and whether you consciously realise it or not. It's very important to be with a life partner, or a person, even if it's just for a short period of time, that acknowledges who you are that sees you for who you are, and appreciates you for everything that you are so insane that I you're in a really loving relationship now, aren't you?

Natasha Marie  08:23

Yes. I very much in a loving relationship. Yeah.

Mahalia Jane  08:28

And have you found it easier? Or about the same to speak to people about their breakups and reinventing themselves? Now that you have someone who you are in a loving relationship? Or has that shifted how you then can be relatable to people?

Natasha Marie  08:47

I think it's a that's a really interesting point, actually. Because when I speak about reinvention, the thing that actually fuels the the drive behind that is allowing someone to believe that they can have what I have now, because when I had gone through my breakup, even when I was in the relationship, the reality is I didn't believe I could have what I have now. And that's not because we have, you know, a six bedroom house and, you know, the flashiest cars, it's because you find love, real love. And that's the difference, you know, between reinventing yourself to believe you can have it all. And I think from my experience, you know, my partner and I we met on a dating app, we met on Tinder, and it wasn't you know, it was, it was the sense of the dating apps work for some people, the dating app, don't don't work for others and that's okay. But the reinvention side is, is knowing that you deserve more and until you appreciate and realise you deserve more. It's only when you do have that light bulb moment that you will then start Stepping up, and being like, now is the time I need to do something for myself. And it's so funny because people say, oh, once you've broken up, you're in this level of heartbreak. But for me, I was in heartbreak about a month before we broken up, if not longer. So really, I had done my grieving, and I've done my heartbreak period, while I was in the relationship, if anything, the day ended was a day where I finally knew where I stood, because I'd been in that uncertainty for so long. So going into a new relationship, you know, I think I thank my lucky stars, because when I went into it for the first, you know, for the first couple of months, I if I went out with the girlfriends or anything like that, you know, I'd have a few drinks, and then I'd be on the phone crying, being like, please don't hurt me. Because I was living that fear. And had I had not worked on myself had I not done that work. You know, things could have been very different now. But I'm so grateful that I did that work. And I'm so grateful that I now can teach people how to not go into a relationship and do the whole self sabotage and do the, you know, crazy things that we do, which we all do, and it's okay. But it's about learning that, you know, from the reinvention side.

Mahalia Jane  11:21

Yeah. And as well, I think it's very, very important to highlight you are not in control of when you're going to meet somebody, whether they are there for a reason, the season, or what's the other one reason this season. And

11:39

today, the reason

Mahalia Jane  11:43

people come into your life for a reason. I feel

Natasha Marie  11:47

like I'm all four chapters, seasons on Yeah, we just in the UK, it's very much like we say we have seasons, but you can have seasons in a day. A bit like life for some of us, I'm sure. But yeah, it's a very odd time,

Mahalia Jane  12:03

I think what I always remind my client of his, you can't be this, you can't you're not in the driver's seat. That's what I'm trying to say you're not in the driver's seat of when you're going to meet someone. Because so much of the time people say this is the year I will meet my husband or this is the year that I will meet my soulmate. I've done all the work. And I love that it's a really beautiful place to be and if you feel it, and it's something that you're ready for, I think that gets you a lot closer. But if we just focus on someone who is very much wanting to find someone that they can love, and who truly sees them and loves them, and they've just come out of a relationship, and that wasn't the right person. The common question I get from people is, I've done all the work. I know what I need, I know who I am. But I'm still attracting the wrong person.

Natasha Marie  13:00

What am I doing wrong? Yeah. And you get that a lot as well from people. Absolutely. And I think, you know, when we go back to basics, you know, we can say to ourselves, I've done everything. And I will ask my clients, I'll say to them, okay, so have you really done everything? And have you really gone down to the bare bones and the root of why you are essentially attracting the wrong kind of guy, you know, because the reality is, when we say we've done all the work, it's really about diving deeper into what you want for your life, not what you don't want, what you want. Because we have this perception of you know, you ask anybody who hasn't maybe has slightly dipped their toes into the, you know, self development, personal development, like space. And you'll, you'll say to them, so what do you want? And they'll say, Oh, well, I really want a guy who's tall, but I don't want him to cheat. And I don't want him to do this. He has to do this, this and this. And it's so funny, because I'm like, Okay, cool. So you've said what you don't want, how about we now talk about what you do want. And it's so interesting to hear how they then get really stumped, because they're like, oh, oh, actually, I haven't thought of it. Because they're just essentially running the patterns of their past. And they're literally in the back of their mind. They're just thinking unconsciously, of their ex or their friend's boyfriend who cheated on them. And that's what they've got in their mind. Now, you know, it's that kind of realm. So that's something I always say to my clients when they're looking for a new dating partner, but also have those conversations you know, actually ask the person you're wanting to go on a date with the conversations. Have those questions and have those conversations, which might be a little bit awkward, but it's better that you know those answers, you know, and then you can make an educated decision as to whether you want to pursue that person. If they have no interest in, you know, having a relationship, why you? Why are you sitting there having another drink with them? Well, why are you spending another in this world that we're currently living in? Why are you spending another 20 minutes on a zoom call with them? It's that kind of thing. If that's what you're looking for, and you're looking for a relationship, put it out there that that's put it out there, because the more you put out what you want, you will receive what you want.

Mahalia Jane  15:41

Yes, indeed, and coming off of that as well. I am guessing you don't mean going to the first date and say, Okay, here's my list. Why? How many children do you have? Because

15:55

I have to say,

Mahalia Jane  15:57

Nope, disagreeing with you would go into a first date, oh, my God, and

16:05

the vibe,

Mahalia Jane  16:06

you gotta get the vibe, you've got to feel the floor, you got to see it is. And I say you've got to feel the flow. Because if you use the word chemistry, which can be a very toxic thing, don't look for chemistry, because chemistry can sometimes be confused with that sexual chemistry. And we all know what that means. It's never going to end well. If it's only sexual chemistry. You can give it a go have fun along the way. But I think get the flow, get the vibe. And if it's there, then you can, you know, ask those questions. Yeah, your last relationship? Do you enjoy being and I like that one? Do you enjoy being in a relationship? Because rather than Are you looking for a relationship, it can be quite blunt, if they haven't even had a breather, post date, whether they're interested in you. So if we're talking about first dates, which we are now tell me your top three questions for first date that we should be asking our, the person sitting across from us.

Natasha Marie  17:12

Do you know why it's so funny, because I literally turned on my old phone yesterday, and I had pulled up my I had screenshot my chat. When I first started dating, my my current partner, and I was just reading through some of the really cute and a little bit cringy messages that we exchanged with each other. And it was, when we were I was thinking, I was thinking about our first date and what we were talking about. And, you know, I think it is so true, what you say just be in that level of flow, but also show your real self. And I knew that for me, one of the things I really just I love to ask is kind of like, what do you enjoy doing? You know, what is your kind of like, outlet to life? Because, and it's funny now more than ever, you know, it will probably be questions like so what have you been doing with all your spare time now that you've been at home, and that'll give you a really good indication to kind of like how they've managed this madness, especially while we've been in, you know, a lockdown because we're still in a lockdown here in the UK. And I was loved to ask that question, I tell my ladies to ask, you know, often what they've been doing, actually get the taken interest, actually take an interest in them, because this could potentially be somebody you want to see again. And it might be somebody who you never want to see again. But if you don't take the interest, and give them that same level of respect. It's about again, that flow and that cycle, you know,

Mahalia Jane  18:48

yeah, and listening as well asking questions and really absorbing what they are saying to you. Because we can learn so much about a person just by listening. Rather than having this expectation of how it's going to go and the things that we will talk about on the date or the information that I need to get from that person in the beginning phases of our relationship because it always goes a different way of specially when you meet someone that is in alignment with you. I'm going to say like nine times out of 10 if this person is in alignment with you, stuffs going to come up as well, that will rattle you that will challenge you. And it's not always the negativity because it can just be something you're not used to. I don't know if you found that with people or in your own experience when you met your partner.

Natasha Marie  19:40

Yeah. And I you know, it's so funny on our very first date that you know, I found him so funny and it was really funny. But then towards the end of the date, he had said this one thing and I was like, Oh, actually, oh, I don't know. Maybe I'll Order No. And it was probably my bad thing. And it's so funny because I was thinking back again to this time, and it was, it's one of these things where you're like, it's funny how we think of one bad thing could just be a deal breaker. And it might actually not even be that bad if we then sit on it and actually think about where or what that means to us, and where that stands and our values, our beliefs, whether it was just a silly comment, or whether it was, you know, trying to understand whether it was nerves, whether it was just them being funny, like I said, so it was really interesting, because at the end of the day, I always do this thing, where if, if I didn't want a guy to kiss me, at the end of the day, I would always kind of say goodbye. And then I would move my head as far right as far left as I could, while like throwing my arm around them. And it works every time because that meant they wouldn't kiss me because I didn't really want to kiss them. And I did this to my current partner and off, I went on my merry way. And it was so funny, because he was so persistent. And he was like, So when are we going to have another date? And it was only when I was like, do you know what, this wasn't really a deal breaker, it was just something you said, and I could probably be okay with it. And it was, obviously for the rest of history. But it's about really understanding that that first day is all about really getting to know each other. And I always say to my ladies, the second date is the most important date. Because that's the date you really stopped. You peel back the layers of fun of Oh, so what do you do how you like, all this fun stuff, and you start to actually have conversations. And I don't mean the whole, get your checklist out and start ticking. But you actually start to have those real conversations, and you start to actually see whether you probably could maybe make it to the next day.

Mahalia Jane  22:06

Definitely, I think as well. And this comes up all the time with my clients, it's something that I I still find it interesting, because it's a very common theme with people who have come out of relationship. So when I do one off intuitive readings, where it's just a one session, and they're not working with me, a lot of the time, it's because they've come out of a relationship and they're feeling quite lost, or they're wanting to change jobs, quit a job, they've been fired from a job, it's always when something quite drastic happened in their life, and they're in that after phase. So similar to the work you do with breakups or breakup from life, I'll be in a session with someone and I'll use an example of, let's just call her cat, I did a session with cat and we sat down together, she was full of, you know, happiness and bubbly energy. And it was a complete mask of what was going on, I think three months into three months, three minutes, I'm just gonna have a drink sorry. When we before we started this, remember how I said I'm having one of those days where my brains like going before my body, it's just so I kept sat down. She got very emotional three minutes after we started this session. And she said, I just have to stop, you know, I've just come out of this really, really intense relationship. He had children. I was a stepmother, to them. I was with him for two years. It was incredible. And he just ended up so quickly. And it was actually eight weeks later. So it wasn't it seemed closer than it was. And I had so much empathy for her in that moment. But as we got talking and as I started to pick up on quite a lot of energy, what I realised is that he was dangling the carrot in front of her. So rather than allowing her to move past something that he had made clear wasn't what he wanted. And he loved her, but he didn't feel it was an in love relationship. He was still messaging her in moments where she was quite desperate for his attention, or she would go into the missing state of the relationship. And this happens a lot. It's and I'm not just saying with men, the other party doesn't allow the person to go through their healing process, move on. And sometimes people feel like they need to change that number. So it cuts it, they have to block them and maybe that's too abrupt or it's not the right thing to do. But I've found that when she really went deeper, his energy wasn't something she wanted. She didn't actually want to get back together with him because so much of the early part of the session, she really thought that was the answer. Because it felt like relief. Getting back with someone that has caused you pain does feel like instant relief, and no one wants to feel pain. When you then down and you analyse it, and you go through, well, what was the relationship really like before you broke up and felt this sadness? So in saying all of this about decat, what is the what is something that we can do when they are still trying to really realise in, in those moments where we're trying our best to get over the relationship? We've asked them to just another breakup? Or they they're texting us back? Absolutely.

Natasha Marie  25:56

And I think the first thing I would say is have compassion for yourself. Because, you know, the No Contact rule is so important. And it's, it's not when people you know, as coaches or therapists or you know, counsellors, you know, they're not saying this to be mean, you know, people aren't saying don't have contact to be mean, it's because the wet when you have contact with an ex, or when they are sort of dangling that carrot, as you say, it's human nature to want to go towards the thing, which once bought us joy, even though we know it bought us pain as well. Because we have that glimmer of hope that may be something will be different. But when you sit down and you actually think about it, you know, in your heart of hearts, that things probably won't be different. And it's about managing your own expectations, and really thinking to yourself, how do I want that person to really respond back to me, once I messaged them? Is that message going to be something I want to hear? Or is it actually just going to be a delayed message where they don't message me back for another two weeks, even though they messaged me two minutes ago, and I've replied, and then you go back into that cycle. So it's really understanding how your cycle is. And I think that's really important, because there will be loads of different. There will be loads of different variants to this, in that you as an individual will be like, I'm really strong, I'm not going to message. And then all of a sudden, there's just that stopping point, or there'll be a trigger that happens for you. And you will question it. And it's really about taking that time to just stop. And really think about what that means for you. One of easily one of my clients, it was at Christmas time. She had broken up with her partner in August, and she hadn't heard anything from him for you know, all the way up until Christmas. And it was her birthday in November, and she hadn't received a text. And it was his birthday in late August. And she messaged him saying, you know, happy birthday, hope you're okay kind of thing. She wanted to keep it very amicable. And she hadn't heard anything. She didn't receive a message on her birthday. So she was a little bit upset about it, because they've been together for four or five years. And at Christmas, he had sent her family a Christmas card, saying Merry Christmas. I really appreciated all the Christmases we spent together. I do think about you guys. And for her that was so painful. Because what very, you know, what was essentially a kind gesture possibly from him was a complete, like, it just tore her apart. And it was really about thinking, you know, and us being in a session and having this conversation of, you know, you replying to that? How is that really going to serve you? And it's like that carrot, the carrot was the carrot. The carrot was the carrot. The carrot was the card, you know, just dangling it in front of her and also her family. And it was really interesting because it was at that moment that you know, she had this lightbulb moment she was like it's that's just not okay. And I'm gonna that's just not okay. And I'm going to draw a line and we're now done. You know, so that was kind of one of the things I said to her is you need to just I'd what you need to decide when you're done. And you need to have compassion for yourself and know that it's okay if you accidentally do something. But it's about getting back on to the, you're not going to do this again, I'm not going to message you again, this is it, we're done. Put the pen down kind of thing.

Mahalia Jane  30:22

Yeah. It's that constant. I feel like people can feel it intuitively, I don't feel I know, you can when you've been intertwined with someone's energy. And when you've been intimate with a person, especially for a longer period of time, you don't just stop seeing each other, and then it just stops there, you're still intertwined, you're still in some way connected. And that is phasing out. Sometimes it's more abrupt, and those ones are fantastic when it just ends, and then you just get over it. But when you've got that energy still so intertwined, it's easy for one of the parties to do something hurtful, and intentionally hurtful. And I think it's important that we remind ourselves that people don't always want to be amicable people don't want to be kind in times like that, if they know that you're moving forward, they may intentionally do something to hurt you. And, unfortunately, happens all the time.

Natasha Marie  31:22

Yeah. And that's so true. And I think just just touching on that, you know, I think it is about that energy, like you say, you don't realise that it isn't just a kind of cut that cut the cord, and you're done. It is very much a case of this is you were a part of my life. And even to this day, you know, I might go somewhere, and I'll see something, and I'll be like, Oh, and I think of my ex, but it's a different way that I think about him now. It's like, Oh, yeah, like I remember dating that once upon a time. But the emotion behind it is so different, you know.

Mahalia Jane  31:57

Amen to that. I had a very serious long term relationship. And it just went on and on and on. And, you know, we broke out we separated, it was just it was it was over before it began. But the I never thought that I would think about him and feel the way I do now. And there's nothing there emotionally, it's just acknowledging that individually and wishing them well. And something that I also find, I found really worked in the beginning phases of letting that guy which was a long time ago now was wishing them well and sending them a lot of love and peace. So rather than not wanting them to meet someone and wanting them to be miserable, because they made me miserable and yada, yada, yada. It's about Okay, sending them good energy, and I wish them well, and they deserve to live a happy life as well. Because it can be hard if someone has cheated on you as well. And then the relationship has ended, it can be so challenging to then be like, well, I wish you well, because no one wishes that person Well, if you've cheated on me, I hope that you're alone for six years. And I meet someone next week at the local karaoke club. No one wants to be like that. But it's so empowering to get into a state of no what they did wrong by me. But I hope they meet someone. Because I can guarantee the secret is people like that meet people who are aligned with them.

33:29

Absolutely. And do you know what that is so true. And one thing I like I am a huge advocate for is, once you start doing more for yourself, you will be able to and I've had this question asked, because I've said this to my clients, you know, how can and how can I send them love and peace when I literally want to go over there and throw eggs at them and they don't do that kind of thing. And I'm like, well, it's a little soft, I would have gone for like heavy metal but whatever.

Mahalia Jane  34:00

Getting it all and smashing it.

34:03

We're on the edge. Right.

Natasha Marie  34:07

And it's so funny because I say this, I say once you start doing more for yourself, once you start living a more fulfilled life, you will naturally be able to send that love and peace because saying I send you love and peace can be really challenging when you have been through hell and back with that person. And so once you start doing you and I really mean enjoying your life, going out with girlfriends, dressing up, putting your face on drinking and having a good time, interacting with new people, changing your job cutting your hair, whatever that means for you do something which gets you into that higher energy state because you will then like you say you will be able to attract more of that into your life but more important You will then be able to say, you just weren't. You were part of the chapter. And that's okay. And I do wish you all the best. And I'm so glad you're not part of the next and, and being no good. Be on your merry way.

Mahalia Jane  35:13

Thank you for teaching me what you've taught me, thank you for helping me grow within myself, even though it hurt, and on my way I go. So yes, with that you're saying, and that's a really incredible thing to, to encourage people to do, to know who you are to connect with yourself to live your best life because that attracts a certain energy into your life. What can happen though, and I would really love to talk to you about this individual that we were speaking about before we started recording is when someone has been single for so long, and their only experience of breakups and relationship has been not so great. Because I do as I've gotten older, I've met more women who are older, who have not had the best experiences and still haven't met someone they might have been married. But it doesn't necessarily mean they were in a loving, deep, beautiful relationship. So when it's been so long, and they're sitting there saying, Natasha, I'm doing everything I can I am going out on the weekends, I have cut my hair 10 times doing things for me, I like myself, I'm comfortable. I go on date all the time, I'm on all the apps. And every time I just get hurt. What do you say to that?

Natasha Marie  36:44

And this is interesting, actually, because where I've been and where I've sat, and when I've spoken to my ladies, you know, they do the work, but they show up? And they do get that sense of I know that I'm it's almost like sometimes, when you're focusing on what you don't have you focus more on the don't have. And it's about almost looking at the space of what you do have and what is good in your life, like, what are you actually good at in a relationship? What are you really good at when it comes to dating. And you'll find when you look for the spaces that you actually focus more on the things which work and as a result, you actually pull in the right partner, as opposed to bringing in the scumbag that's going to cheat on you again, you know, it's, it's, it's important to, you know, I completely appreciate, you know, people can say, you know, cut my hair, I've done all these things, but I'm still getting nowhere, why am I getting nowhere? And I will say this time and time again, have you gotten to the root cause of what caused you pain in the first time. And if they say, no, then it's very simple. You're probably running a programme or a pattern, unconsciously, that has never been cleared a wound from your childhood, a wound from your previous relationship. And until you heal that wound until you allow yourself to heal, you will go into dating rubbish people, and they will hurt you. And until you heal that. And until you start to really focus that energy, that's when we'll start to attract the right person. Because energetically you have to align yourself to what you want, not what you don't want, which is pretty much what we said at the start.

Mahalia Jane  38:38

Yeah, and it comes down to that list as well. Writing that list of everything I don't want in someone that comes up a lot. Focusing on Okay, what do you need in someone, honestly, the needs are things that come down to your your soul, your being your everything that you need. And hey, if they are short, and you want to tall, but they're x y Zed, and that completely aligns with you. Incredible, because there are a lot of people now that we are in the online dating world, and I've met my husband. In that time. I didn't meet him before dating apps. I was right in it. But it's very much about reminding yourself, you can have the list of everything that you need everything that you want, and meet them and go, wow. But things might come up. And they might challenge you. They may have a few things that weren't on your list, which makes you realise I don't know if I want this in my life. And yeah, you're entirely correct that it comes down to really understanding that root cause of why you are not in a relationship. And sometimes I think people almost look too deep Yeah, they're single too long, they've gone too much into the not nice side of it. Whereas they need to just have a little bit of fun again, and enjoy getting to know people enjoy good energy, enjoy a drink with someone, hey, they might become your friend. Or you might have a friend who matches their energy rather than making this really serious mission in life where you have to, I set it to someone that I'm very close with, actually, I said, as soon as you stop hunting to find a mate, and you just let it go, you put the phone down, and you focus entirely on your life. And I'm talking, you get rid of the apps until you do that someone who is in flow with you won't come along. Absolutely. Having the the apps and the dating, and the maybe maybe there's someone on the side, you can only do that when you're when you're ready.

Natasha Marie  40:53

Absolutely. And I say I'm I absolutely am on boarded that, you know, going on the dating apps, because you're in that state of desperation, I need to find somebody will actually stop you from finding the right somebody. And when I when I met my partner, you know, I was on, you know, my friends, like get on the apps just do the dating apps? And I don't know, it's not really for me, okay, fine. So I was like, on the apps, and I was just scrolling through, but I wasn't, you know, people think when you're on a dating app, you're looking for love, which is exactly what they're designed for, or her cup, or whatever it might be. But actually, I was just on there to just have a bit of a chat. Because I was just like, I can't really be bothered with this. And it was so funny, because once I was in the kind of like, man, I don't care. Before I knew I was going on dates with people. And before I knew I was actually connecting with people who actually was like, Oh, do you know, I really like you. We don't work, it's probably not gonna work. But you were really nice guy. You know, we're still we're still friends on Instagram still pop a message to each other every now and again, as oddly as that might sound. But it's because you've, you're coming into that space with a completely different mindset, and a completely different energy. You know?

Mahalia Jane  42:09

Yeah. So how would you advise someone then not advise, that's the wrong word? How would you encourage someone if they've just come out of a relationship, I've just had a very hard breakup, and they cannot stop thinking about their ex.

42:28

Crying real hard. First of all, have a good cry, let it all out, get those emotions out, you know, I think we've become so we become so focused on your mindset, your mindset, your mindset, well, sometimes you have to have a good wail, have a good cry, let it all out, sob, like you mean it, and then pick yourself up and come out of the pity party of, I'm going to be alone forever, I'm going to be by myself. And just be in that space of, I'm in the process of healing. And even if you make that your, your, your mantra, or you make that your little same for the day, just say it to yourself, I'm in the process of healing. I'm in the process of getting through this. Because all brains are so powerful when you know people say about affirmations. I am rich, I am powerful. I am successful. You know, when you're when you're not that it's hard to have that. So when you say to yourself, I'm in the process, our brains find that so much more digestible. Because it's like, oh, okay, cool. I'll roll with it. I understand that. So the first thing I would say is just have a good cry, let it all out, be okay, that you have to grieve. It's a loss of somebody, and you have to have that time to almost mourn the loss of somebody who you thought potentially was going to be your forever.

Mahalia Jane  43:58

You know, like, yeah, and then when you're ready to have a ceremony of their death, and burn their photo and pop a bottle of champagne. That's it.

Natasha Marie  44:11

And the thing is, it doesn't mean it does, and it will come time, and that's that thing, you know, you will get to that point where you're like, do you know what? I don't mean, you finger done this, I am a queen. I don't need no man. And you will get to that point and we laugh about it. But you will. Yes. But you have to do the first part first because there's no point in jumping on the apps and jumping into bed with somebody else to kind of suppress and plaster. You know, put that bandaid, put the plaster over the wound, which really is something you need to heal from, you know, and get through and do the, like the big tub of Ben and Jerry's, you know, go through it. You know, it's okay. And for some people you know from for myself No, I say to everyone, you know, there's no diet quite like the heartbreak diet. So enjoy the heartbreak diet, go through it, and then come out of it stronger and start to realise what what your worth is, and you will get back.

Mahalia Jane  45:15

Yeah, it's a nice little reminder to yourself a kind, nurturing thing you can do in that space as well, to allow yourself time to grieve, to eat your Ben and Jerry's ice cream if you need to. But also to give the love back to yourself. So what can I do in this moment to truly nurture my soul? How can I give myself the love that I need that I missed out on in that relationship, or I wasn't receiving in that relationship? And then from that, I find what can happen really beautiful things can be born from that, rather than getting too wrapped up in all the mess that came from the relationship, which a lot of us can do, we can really find ourselves talking about it so much following the breakup. And it's great to vent, but there needs to come a point where the conversations about things that weren't bringing you love and kindness within stop and you start to talk about great things. I think the thing that you said before, that cracks me up the hair flick and you know, going out and being like, I don't need to you can't fake Oh, you can't. And I I've done it before. guilty, completely guilty. I've faked that. And straightaway I've been like, Yeah, let's go out and like, think alive. And it's, it's harder the next day, especially if you drink because the depressant from alcohol is not the best thing to layer on top of the grief. But yeah, you can't you can't rush that. That's the that's the exciting phase. People jump on too quickly. Oh, yeah,

Natasha Marie  46:51

definitely. And I think that's the thing, you know, you know, one of the funny things is, is you have to do that in your own time. But allow yourself to be conscious of making those decisions to move forward. Because no one has say, and I completely agree, you know, drinking the bottle of wine to get through the evening, because you're trying to pretend that you're okay. But it's actually completely different story. It's a different story altogether. You know, it is very much about you have to do it when you are in the right space to do it. And it will be another layer, it will be another time fee, you know, it's just layering up your strength, strength by strength. And yeah, I love that because it's so funny. I had one of my, one of my clients say to me about going out and dating and she was like, Oh, you know, I felt like I thought I was in a really good space and I went out and I just like burst into tears and I was just not good. And I was like, that's okay. And it just shows you that. You want to do these things. It shows you you're like on the cusp. So go back, take, take a breather, and maybe do something different to energise yourself, do something different, which you enjoy that doesn't involve you going out and hitting up the cocktail bar just yet. Maybe that's not what you need right now. Maybe it's you need to have like a girls night in with like some popcorn and watch a film and just have a bit of a giggle and a law, which isn't fueled by what you say exactly a depressant of alcohol, you know?

Mahalia Jane  48:31

Definitely I'm IPA. I'm Um, can I share a really a story with you? That's very, very similar to that. So when I went through my last very bad breakup. Prior to meeting my now husband and I had little relationships in between, but they weren't hectic breakups and I was a very empowered woman. So for me, I had done so much self work that when people came along, if we didn't align, it was quite quick. There was a very short grieving phase and it wasn't that deep. But when I had this really intense breakup, I went out one night and I still have the photo of it. I was literally looking my best self, I was completely glammed up. I was jumping around, I think I met someone on the dance floor that night, you know, back in the day when you'd meet someone on the dance floor. Obviously, I was in my 20s in different time. And I had the best night. I was drinking once I was surrounded by people that I really loved and trusted and just beautiful girls in my life and had this amazing night and felt really excited about this guy that I've met on the dance floor. As soon as we left that club, and we're in the taxi on the way home because this is way before Uber days. I was eating a burger, because you know, trashy burger opting out drinks. Yeah, yeah, it's the way to do it. And I just lost it completely started crying felt so sad, so low, and just screamed, I miss him so much, because it was almost having the fun made it harder because when the funds stopped, we're used to having that someone there and someone to go home to, to snuggle up to and when that's gone, it can be even harder, rather than just adjusting and intertwining things of you know, single life into your, your new life. Yeah, but I just wanted to share that because that is something that I just connect with so much when people do that, they're like, I thought I was doing the right thing by going out and living my best life. But, you know, sometimes living your best life is the nurturing phase, which we have covered today.

51:07

Thank you for sharing that. Because I think it's, you know, we all, I think we all go through that in that not as in like, oh, not to draw that down. But as in like, everybody will have that one, you know, everybody will have that kind of that moment where they're just like, Oh, God, like, what is life, and you just be in that space. And, and it's so nice to know that you're not alone, and that other people have gone through it. And it is just another it's another building block to the house you're trying to build. And that's how I always say it.

Mahalia Jane  51:46

I love that. It's a little it's a block

51:50

another brick to the house.

Mahalia Jane  51:53

Okay, so we're going to wrap it up, because we've been talking for a while. Which is fine.

52:03

Okay, so I

52:04

said to you, let me just find my notes that I really wanted to do a little live session

Mahalia Jane  52:11

with one of my beautiful, incredible clients, Mary, who contacted me this morning, actually, when I said that I was doing this because sometimes I'll reach out to my community or my clients and just say, Hey, does anyone have any questions? So we're going to do just a very quick session with Mary through me, obviously.

52:34

So....

Mahalia Jane  52:35

hi, Natasha, my name is Mary. I'm 29 years old, I turned 30 in March, and I'm freaking out. My last serious relationship ended five and a half years ago, I haven't met anyone, and I've done so much self work, how am I going to meet someone, When am I going to meet someone, this is getting very hard as all of my friends are getting married and having babies. Any advice, support or love would be appreciated? Love, Mary.

Natasha Marie  53:02

So first of all, thank you so much to Mary for this gorgeous question. And also, let's dive a bit deeper into this. So what I want, what I want you to do, Mary is I want you to allow yourself to think of all the good things that are going to come up for you. When you turn 30, I want you to think about every single positive thing, you have achieved everything you have accomplished everything that you are so grateful for. If you can hit like 50 things you're grateful for. I would like write them all down, I want you to be in this huge state of gratitude. Because when we're in that space of gratitude, we start to actually think about all actually, you know, our life isn't like, I don't need to freak out as much because I actually have accomplished way more than I thought I had. And really get into that mindset and that mind field of being in that, or, oh, maybe I've got a promotion at work or Oh, you know, like, one of my friends told me I was a really good listener. It could be as small as I'm so grateful that I'm a good friend. And one of my girlfriends who's going through a hard time in her relationship with her husband and her two kids is struggling. I was really there for for her and I did all these things and really write down how you how grateful you are. And then I want you to think about a separate piece of paper. Just write down all the things you bring to a relationship. What are your qualities? If you were to write a love CV, what would you write on your resume? What would you write? And how would you sell yourself in the best possible like what are all the great things you bring and I want you to know To allow yourself to put that out to the universe, put that out to the world, that these are the things I am going to put out there. And I will also allow someone to love all these qualities about me. And really just sit in that space. And I want you to plan your 30th 30th. Enjoy it. Go, you're only going to be 30 once you might as well enjoy it, because in 10 years time, you'll be 40. So you might as well enjoy it. And really, you know, do you want to party? Do you want to go for drinks with the girlfriends? Do you want to have? You know, do you want to go for like a nice meal. Maybe it's you're turning 30 next year? Well, okay, do I want to be with somebody who takes me for a meal, get really intentional. And allow yourself to be in that space.

Mahalia Jane  55:49

And she lives in Arizona. So Vegas. What's happening in Vegas, though, that loves TV is something so similar to what I do. But what was so beautiful is Mary said, I really want to ask something but I don't want you to get offended because you've helped me so much with other things because we've been doing a lot of purpose work. And I said no, I love it. I I would not get offended at all. So thank you so much Natasha that that was a really beautiful message. And I know she'll hear this and maybe I can help her plan her 30s in Vegas. And thank you for being here. So your podcast if people want to find you is the breakup wake up. And if they want to connect with you on Instagram, it's Natasha underscore Marie. Ma r IE underscore coaching.

56:39

Yes.

Mahalia Jane  56:40

Amazing. Thank you so much for being Thank you.

Natasha Marie  56:45

It's been such a pleasure.

Mahalia Jane  56:46

You look amazing. It's 630 in the morning for you and it's a five man you got dressed up and I didn't I thought we were doing a no makeup day today.

Natasha Marie  56:55

It would have got me in my PJs, so you're lucky. And under this coat who knows what's going on.

Mahalia Jane  57:02

That concludes another episode of The uncovery podcast. Thank you for being here and sharing this space with me. If you would like to jump into the description of this episode, and book a one on one call with me, you can do so. If you have any interest in joining my community. I would love to share more information with you about what that is. Until we connect again next week. Please remember to subscribe and review the uncovering if you are in iTunes. Take care of yourself this week and be well bye