You tell me when you're ready there cowgirl.
Yee, huh?
đź“Ť Hey guys, welcome to your weekly breakdown the comfort podcast for cozy weekends I'm Emily an ex tech worker bee mother of two and I Swear too much
I'm Cait. I am a comedian and actor here in Vancouver, originally from Montreal, Quebec. Every week we get together to chat about cultural conversations and news. We make fun of the latest pop culture dramas. We rant about life's minor inconveniences, judge each other's style and life choices, and maybe interview a guest or two.
Do you want to hear the best review of our podcast so far?
Let me read this to you. It's so perfect.
I listened to it on my bike ride home yesterday. It was great. Perfect for my introverted side to feel like I could just relax into listening to you talk about interesting things while also not being social. Like, nobody wants to hang out! Great! Come to the table with us! Put us in your ears and we'll hang out.
hang out with you with pleasure.
I need to talk about The Last of Us.
The Last of Us. It's shooting right now. Season two is shooting in
Yeah,
but
I heard a rumour you were in Season 1.
I am in season one.
Is this like your claim to fame?
fame? No, because while I'm in season one, I'm also in the pilot of The Last of
What is it? Everybody talks about pilot
So the pilot
Is the first episode of the
So
I'm in the first episode of The Last of Us.
you were so good you got to go in the first
Yeah,
they wanted me in the first. I say this because while I'm in it, I also had lines with Joel, with Pedro Pascal.
That's who my scene was with. But you couldn't see me if your life
It's in the dark. It's when things are going down, shit goes down. And my character runs outside and goes, Joel, what's going on? And Joel goes, Get in the goddamn house, Denise.
What are you, supposed to be his wife?
No, I'm his neighbor. But in my mind, we've been having an affair for years.
I like this. This is how fan fiction gets
Joel, what's going on? I thought you were supposed to come over later. Now it looks like there's some sort of weird virus happening. Joel! I love you. Anyways, I assumed that we were having an affair. I have this backstory. But in reality, what it is, is I'm just a neighbor who goes, What the fuck is going on, Joel?
And he goes, Get in the goddamn house, Denise! Back into my house.
So can I see you?
Kind of. And then what happens is, is that Joel jumps in the truck.
Okay.
Okay? Grabs the girl, goes and takes his daughter. But then all of a sudden there's two neighbors on the cul de sac. And we think, oh, it's the nice neighbors.
But no, they've already turned. So Joel pushes his foot on the gas. Runs over the neighbors. And then my character, Denise, goes, Jesus Christ, Joel! Cause he just ran over our neighbors. I don't know that they're bad. Suddenly the two neighbors, pop, right back up. And they kill me. You
You
die!
me. Yeah.
Well, I'll go watch the pilot. I've never watched the last of
us.
It's kind of scary.
Know what it was. So when I was offered the part, I was like, I don't know, man. It's like three lines for this, like show, and my agent was like, it's for the last of us. I was like, cool.
don't know what that means.
And he's like, it's the biggest video game out there, Caitlin. And I was like, again, I'm not catching what you're selling.
I would like to be a sad 40-year-old
Instead of being a dumb idiot named Denise.
Denise should have stayed in the house.
I mean, wouldn't she have died eventually anyway?
Yeah.
Doesn't everybody just die on the show?
Not everybody.
Oh. See, I like more, I like thrillers, mysteries, spies, that kind of stuff.
Thrillers?
Yeah.
What?
I don't know. I found The Last of Us terrifying.
I'm so sorry. I'm not a zombie shit girl. Mm mm. Not my thing.
Do they still make a good thriller TV show or has it all just become kind of episodic like a formula that they do?
There are some good ones. Dark Matter just came out.
Uh huh.
It's a brain bender, like a psychological thriller. Um, I often just go back and watch the old James Bond movies.
You do? Is it comforting for you to watch an old James Bond?
Yeah.
Daniel Craig ones. I mean.
Is he your favorite Bond?
He's the closest to my type.
Yeah.
I like the Pierce Brosnan era and Sean Connery eras. How do we feel, is it official that Aaron Taylor Johnson is the new Bond?
that?
I don't know, I heard a rumor.
Why would they send out little rumors like that? Because they want us to talk about it and have an opinion and then they can tell whether or not
chicks did that for the Hunger Games. She like had her fan base mobilize this idea that she was cast in the role and she was never cast in the role and then they had to kind of put her in the role.
She took it in her own hands.
I respect a Me too. Yeah.
Okay, so is Aaron Taylor Johnson the next James Bond? He's been considered a favorite to assume the role of 007, getting a handover from Daniel Craig. The Sun, mmm, reliable source, no, reporting on March 18th that he was officially offered the role and is expected to sign a contract soon.
Sources close to Taylor Johnson, however, downplayed the report and said he has not been cast as Bond a day ago.
They just want people talking about it, don't
I like rumors. who's that. Jack O'Connell. And somebody else had Killian Murphy. Also hot.
What's his name, James? they can't just be
hot.
They
have to also be Confident.
Jack O'Connell, he's babe.
He's the male lead in Lady Chatterley's Lover.
I don't know that. Are we back on Quinn?
Oh, but I have Quinn news. Guess who they just hired or are in partnership with.
Who?
Hot Priest, Andrew Scott. He's
so his special dropped on Quinn.
, I mean, it sounds wonderful. He's so cute. Oh,
His voice. Andrew Scott plays Rob the Protector, it hit the Quinn app, last week, May 16th. It's called The Queen's Guard.
Look
at How
beautifully your body bears the marks of everything you've been through.
can worship every one Yeah.
yeah.
We were talking about Lady Chatterley's Lover, which is a book, right?
An old book. Yes. It's Alcy. It was scandalous at the time of its publishing.
Really? 'cause it depicted actual
Sexy time. And a woman in pleasure.
Heaven forbid. Looks like she's losing her mind.
And then it was made into a movie or it's a TV show.
A movie starring Emma Corrin, who is brilliant.
She was in Season 4 of The Crown. She was my favourite Diana, right around when they get married. Wonderful actress. She was also in Murder at the End of the World, which was a great series on Disney.
she was in The
Crown, My Policeman. She was uh, Deadpool?
Upcoming.
She has a ton of great sex with Jack O'Connell in Lady Chatterley's Lover on Netflix. It's pretty racy for Netflix. But just like a beautiful story of a woman kind of getting to know her pleasure.
She's, you know, married off young, etc. Emma Corn is just a genius.
Yeah, and so is Jack O'Connell.
He's,
very sexy. He would be a great choice for James Bond because we haven't seen him in so many roles. You're Barbara Broccoli. How do you fucking cast that?
And she owns the Broccoli Empire too?
So Barbara Broccoli is the daughter of the James Bond producer Albert Broccoli.
She's a nepo baby.
She's
probably my favorite nepo
baby. Yeah, she's
doing all
She's my 63 year old nepo baby. Good for her, staying in the family business. I mean, what a fun thing to be behind.
It's what she knows.
I respect that. How do you cast that? How does Barbara Broccoli cast James Bond?
I saw a lot of shouting for Dev Patel.
Did you see Monkey Man, Dev Patel is amazing in it. He produced it and it's just like him at his best. It's like action and , he's a man in it.
Yes. He's a man.
I
would love it if there was someone that we didn't really know that well.
So I think there's a case to be made for Jack O'Connell, Aaron Taylor Johnson. It's like maybe he wants it too much. It's like Anne and her Oscar and Leo and his Oscar. Like, you can't thirst that much. We all see how much you're thirsting. Bradley Cooper with Maestro.
When you can't put your finger on it, you're like, what is it like? It's thirsty,
We love to put down a person who's thirsty for it, but these are literal theater kids. Of course they want the Oscar! That's their whole, like, this is their whole school project.
Please, like me.
Well we felt the same way when Gaga went into full character when she did House of Gucci.
When
she went absolutely into this one character and wouldn't drop it and apparently was really difficult to be around her. Cause she stayed in the accent the entire time they were
That accent
was something.
But if it's not Gaga, who?
It's the next person's gonna do the exact same thing.
Yeah. Artists gonna artist.
Last Thursday was a tough day. Because Andrew Scott's Quinn original dropped, and it was also when the entire part one of Bridgerton season three dropped, so it was a busy
That's a busy day.
busy day. It was a horny day. So if Bridgerton season three, let me tell you, it is as lush and beautiful as ever. We have Nicola Cochlan, Penelope of House Featherington who we know as viewers is Lady Whistledown this is all based on books of course.
So we kind of have some idea of what's going on. So she and Colin, , it's their turn to have the story center around them. And Luke Newton and Nicola Coughlin have been on like a press tour and they're adorable
And
they're following their story in season three?
Yeah, it's their story.
And she's wanted to jump his bones for a while. I love Bridgerton. I love what Shonda Rhimes did bringing together, people who love rom coms, drama, period pieces, like, and basically Jane Austen.
You're looking at me with a blank face. Do you not watch
Bridgerton? I don't
watch Bridgerton.
How have you not watched
it?
I haven't watched it because maybe I didn't know what it was.
I'm so surprised the marketing didn't get to you. No.
I always thought it was like that show upstairs, downstairs,
Downton Abbey.
Downton Abbey. Downton
Yeah. Down to Abbey.
I've never heard it called.
it. Upstairs Downstairs!
Something to be said about watching a TV show that's really good as an actor is, is almost hard. Because if it's really good, you're like, wow, how are they doing this?
And are you sad?
I'm not sad. , I can't take myself out of it.
I'm
more like, wow, that's interesting shot. Oh, I wonder if that was her closeup that they used. Oh, I wonder if that was this line. Do they know where to stand?
Cause I never
know where to stand.
I'm gonna watch Bridgerton and I'm gonna come back and report.
I think I thought it was like Downton Abbey. And I thought Downton Abbey was boring. .
But I do like the accents. Are you the type of person who'll just randomly break out a British accent?
No. Oh. No.
Because it's bad. My, my British is bad. I'm working on a southern accent right now for a TV show that I'm doing,
I have a dialect coach to work on my southern
it.
Well, I'm working on a few words that are, difficult for me. What's
for
you? Really tricky is heart. My heart, my heart. Hot heart.,
I don't fucking ask me I'm an East Coast accent. I'm like get in the car. We're not going too far
We're not Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. That's my East Coast. Yeah. Yeah.
many
I do that the front of a day
run of a
So Bridgerton part one dropped last Thursday, May 16th, and part two is arriving an entire month later on June 13th. you gotta catch up before then.
Speaking of things to catch up on, did you hear there's a new Taylor Swift Scooter Braun documentary coming out in June?
I did not.
Discovery plus and HBO max are pairing to make this documentary. It is a Taylor Swift, Scooter Braun documentary coming out in June.
I think it's going to get into what went down.
So, my questions are One, is this a producer trying to capitalize off of Taylor Swift's name? Because she's at the height, height, height right now.
And then my second question is, is it going to present us with any facts that we don't already know?
Like,
who's doing it and why?
For, well, yes, for money.
, it's by the, the company called, Versus VS through Discovery Plus.
says in an
effort to represent both parties sides equally, the two part series will reportedly feature Legal experts and journalists as well as people close to Swift and Braun. It'll examine the roles of gender dynamics, fandom influence, and artist rights while dissecting the SB Projects founder's 300 million purchase of the Karma Singers catalog in 2019.
Taylor Swift vs.
Scooter Braun was commissioned by Charlotte Reed and executive produced by Matt Reed for WBD. The series is executive produced by Nick Hornby and Sarah Eglin. Who are they?
We don't know.
I mean, they're gonna make a ton of money off it. That's a great subject. If you can get people to talk about it, you can go do that.
And it was Kelly Clarkson who gave her the idea to re record all her masters.
She said, why don't you just re record it and call it Taylor's version? And I went, yes, Kelly
Kelly Clarkson. Kelly Clarkson is a national treasure.
And woo. What a song.
can
sing. She can sing.
Speaking of singing,
how do you get your new music?
new music? How
do you
find new music?
I usually listen to other people's recommendations to see if I like it. I read, a ton of music news. I read Rolling Stone, so I get a lot of new artists through there.
They don't just feature the big artists, they do showcase new artists. Spotify has, pretty good AI, where, like, if you're listening to a type of music, they'll recommend, at the bottom of your playlist, they'll say, similar. For a hard copy, a friend of mine she has incredible music taste, she should be a music producer, she's an artist and she's a florist, and draws, and that kind of stuff, and she will create.
Playlist for hard copy, but really, really for me, they're so good.
There's a feature on Spotify that I've been using with friends and family, and it's called the Blend. Have you seen this blend button? You can, do it with a friend. And what it does is it blends a playlist for you and your friend based on what kind of music you like, what kind of music they already have, and then it makes music for you too.
I'm just thinking of all the people I know that I would never want to do this with. And I know their music tastes and I have no interest. Like, okay, for example, my son's favorite band is Metallica. My daughter's favorite, obviously, right now, is Taylor Swift.
Can you imagine the two of them blending a playlist?
Yeah, well, that's, well, what would show up?
note? Yeah.
Maybe Gwen Stefani,
It's a neat way of finding new music with people that you're like, I like you.
Is it the modern day version of a mixtape? Yes.
Huh.
Essentially.
yeah, I guess I'd like curate a playlist for you or like we're going on a trip. Let's make a joint playlist. Do people use this? Do you use
I've used it. I
use it with my mom
Oh, that's wholesome.
but our playlists are, have a lot of like James Taylor.
Fiona
Apple. Yeah.
Yeah. And then my, my blend playlist with my best friend has other kinds of music, right?
Are you the type of person who has to listen to a new album all the way through or you just go song for song?
I kind of go song for song.
OK, I have to listen to it many, many times like Billie Eilish's new album. I listen to it over and over and over and over.
I have to study it.
And is it good?
Mm hmm.
Yeah, so good. It came out right after Bridgerton. Man, it was a busy week. It was a really busy
I also want to hear, um, more Lana Del Rey. I think that's what I want to get into next, is more Lana Del Rey Yeah.
She's got a really hypnotic voice. Mm hmm. I really like her early stuff, like video game.
A while ago,
yep.
long time.
Big news for my fellow smart dumb people. Jeopardy is getting a new pop culture trivia spin off. On Amazon Prime.
I know. That would actually be really fun to
culture. Oh, so like the categories are things that we would know.
I, maybe,
maybe,
I don't know if we'd know it, but maybe, yes, and the other thing in TV news that I want to say that I have to rant about, I'm going to read you two headlines
And
then I might shout.
Ready? Netflix, Apple TV, and Peacock will team up to form their own streaming bundle through Comcast. It will be offered at a vastly reduced price. Second headline, Disney and Warner Brothers will team up to start a new streaming bundle that will include Disney Plus, Hulu, and Max. Cable's back, baby.
But now you pay a lot more for it and you still get fucking ads. So we are literally right back to where we
You know what? I never got rid of cable. I've had cable this whole time.
How did you do, how did you do that?
I have a cable subscription.
How much do you pay for cable? How many channels are on it?
would say we have like 200 channels.
I just feel like in business. You can bundle or unbundle. There's like two growth strategies, right? So we unbundled everything and we made it streaming service and la la la la and it was like kind of great for a bit And then everybody started to raise their prices and we were like, wow We're paying a lot of money for access to these TV shows and now they're just gonna go back together.
But what does that bundle mean? You're gonna go to one website and sign into both
The mechanics behind doing a bundle like that would be very tricky. Having done like partnerships and stuff back in my tech days, it would be tricky on the tail end, but there will be people who will be very focused on making that as smooth a process as possible, like one login only because they want you to sign in.
So there are people who really focus on that usability.
I remember when they were like, oh you can bundle your phone, your internet, and your cable all together. For
For
30 a month.
How
much do you pay for your phone?
80 a month.
I usually get back there, but then it weasels its way up.
Well, you know what I found
out?
I've been calling my internet provider. I've been calling my cell phone provider. I've been calling my cable
people.
Different providers? Three different providers? Yeah. And
And I asked them, what's the new plan?
They've been telling me this for a few times. I just called my internet people and they're like, oh, well actually you're on our, uh, a legacy plan.
I said, what's a
what's Oh yeah, and
they're like, we don't have
anything. We don't
make it
it anymore. Bullshit, you don't make it anymore. You don't fucking make anything. You write some shit and tell me you'll give it to me or you
won't.
And I said, so my plan doesn't exist anymore. Well then I'm gonna leave.
They don't want you to
leave. They
don't want you to
And You're
too expensive to get back.
So then they give me a better rate.
Yeah, I need to do this. I need to do this with my phone. It creeps up every month. Sometimes I get a bill and they're like, that's 400.
I'm like, what do you fucking mean that's 400? How? And they're like, you stepped outside the country for three hours.
I had a friend who was traveling through the U. S. and didn't put her phone on airplane mode, but it was in the sky, so whatever, doesn't matter.
And, but it did ping that she was in the States, so she got charged 15 for flying over the United States.
Also airplane mode's. Not real.
I'm not debating this with you.
Well, I mean, it's real. Like you can turn it on or off.
It's save your battery life put it in airplane mode.
Please don't listen to Caitlin.
So I was flying the other day and they're like, don't worry everyone.
There is entertainment on the flight. And this was the entertainment. It's a TV screen on the back of a airplane seat, but it's not like a touch screen. There are actual buttons on it that you need to
What
airline was this? Is this when you were in the middle seat?
Delta.
was Delta.
Delta.
Can I tell you something? That, that, a headline that came up the other day that really upset
Only if you're gonna rant about it.
Yeah, well, I think it's gonna get you going too. Recently, in Quebec, a documentary came out, it was called Père Sans Enfants, uh,
Dad Dad
Without a Kid?
Dad Ah, interesting! It's actually, it's Cent, a hundred kids.
Oh, C E N T, not S A N
Yes, but isn't it a bit of a pun?
You talking about a man with a hundred kids?
well, it gets worse. health minister Christiane Dubé revealed that there are three separate sperm donors from the same family in Quebec who have fathered at least 600 children. Children. They are considering it a public health
case.
Oh, yeah, no shit. Oh my god.
Three men in the same family.
How is that allowed? It's
not. I know what you're thinking. It must have been some sort of legitimate facility. No
ma'am.
It was on Facebook. So it was on a Facebook page, where they were like kind of. Going against the normal way of conceiving these three men donated so much sperm that they, they're, and they're counting at least 600 children. How could three people do such a thing?
How, how,
How were they able to get, make so many donations?
When did this happen?
Recently.
Okay. How old are the kids?
They won't say because I think it's like trying to protect the kid's health. But I think in the past few years,
protect their health by not making them have sex with their half sibling,
600
kids it doesn't say how long,
Did they notify the moms? Did the moms
know?
Now the moms know.
I would be like, you need to leave the country
yes, like, could my kid be in contact with one of the other children they're in the same neighborhood?
They're friends. They play on the same basketball team. How old are they? That's what I want to know.
Yeah, it seems like they're,
they
begun having sexual activity yet because if yes, we are in deep, deep
shit
I mean, I get it. I do,
How could you
you get
it?
Well, because so much of Quebec is about preserving the
and
this
is And now
it's
now it's preserve baby.
How
much money do you think these three men made from the same family? They've given enough for at least 600 children to be born in the last few
years.
Do these
Okay, I've How much money do I think they
made?
What do you get for a sperm donation? 50
Okay.
So, 000
Zero dollars.
They've made zero dollars?
They did it for free.
I have so many questions. Who's writing the expose on this? Who's doing the expose on these three brothers? We got to get this written. I need some investigative journalists.
Yeah, um, apparently women responded to Facebook ads as part of an online parallel universe of free sperm donations not regulated by Health Canada. So you're also like, what kind of choices are you guys
making?
So
who's putting it in? If it's not a clinic and you're just getting like 10 minute fresh sperm. Like, it has to be 10 minutes fresh. This is a hot mess express. This is, this is a mess.
Why are they just jerking off? I mean, they get to jerk off, but like, were there any contracts, obviously not, for like child support and like you're now the father of these children. Are they going to clinics to get the, this implanted?
Could
be at home inseminations.
Is that literal turkey basting? Mm hmm.
Yeah.
I'm gonna
pain.
It's
literal turkey basting.
You need that fresh? Yeah.
What, is this in a town? What town? Tell
They won't tell us.
Oh, but somebody's gotta know. Go on Reddit. Let's go on Reddit.
Let's find out.
You know what's sad is that two of the sperm donors also carry a rare hereditary genetic disorder affecting the liver that could be passed down to the children.
Okay, well, we all carry some of that shit. I don't know, that seems like a, that seems like a scary thing somebody wrote in there.
You're obviously not, this person is not tested for any thing at all. So, okay, hang on, so it's not just the moms who are going to do this because they want to have a baby.
Presumably these are not all single women going to get sperm, so there are couples out there who are going on Facebook to get somebody's Schmegma.
Somebody's jus,
different. Jus.
Uh, That's a whole other way of thinking. Okay, well, let's play the game then. Let's, let's be fair.
Did the article also mention,
how
expensive is it to go get a sperm donor through a clinic? What are the wait times? What is the access? How challenging is that to go through the system in the traditional route? Like, why are people feeling like they have to go do that? Infertility is a huge issue.
Our health system is very imperfect, but why do people feel like they have to go do that?
It's probably because of money, or where you live. If you don't live close to a city, if you're in a more rural town.
Why did this just come out now?
Are some of the mamas, or some of the parents, I keep saying moms, but it's the
parents.
the parents, because there was a documentary done about these two men.
So somebody knew.
Someone knew that these two men had been sperm donors, but they had no idea.
Wait, you said three.
Yes. In the documentary, it starts with two men.
Oh, and then the TSN turning point is there's a
third? Yeah.
Oh, that's so
good.
From the same family. Oh! Um, and I, and I don't think they realized how many children there were either.
So at one point, you know, these documentary makers had put out a call for people to be like, you know, have you done this? As they were Getting more and more people coming forward saying we did, we did, we did and they did some genetic testing and realized that there was over 600 children.
From three dudes. Relatively locally.
Yeah yeah all these families who are now for the rest of their lives I mean I would move.
Have to move towns.
You would just have like really strict, like you'd need to know whoever your kid's dating's lineage, but that's like such an overreaching thing too.
like it's happening. Oh
man. Oh, I'm sure we could find out. I will investigate on Reddit and report back.
It says
It says it was women across Quebec get pregnant.
Needless to say, the government of Quebec is looking to limit sperm donations.
Is that the fucking answer? Maybe increase the access if that was, I wanna know what the root problem is in the first place because I'm a weirdo.
, you can check out the documentary, I think it is on Crave in Canada here.
So D Daddy of a hundred Kids, or there is a pun there, where it's Father Without Kids.
Wow. And I wonder what the documentary filmmaker thought they were going to produce originally.
I don't like it. 600 children from three different men. It's unnatural.
It's not unnatural if you're Elon Musk or Nick Cannon. I mean, they'd be pro this. They'd be like, yeah, populate the fucking earth. Oh my god.
It's very Genghis Khan.
Genghis Khan was a warrior, a leader but he traveled all around conquering, but then as a result, he also traveled over the world, fathering children.
How do you have time to make all those babies if he was fighting wars? Men just want to spread their seed. Wow. Wow. Did not think that's where we were going to go today. I was going to talk about McDonald's.
Sure.
McDonald's. How do you even transition into this? This is
when you would get beep.
McDonald's has dropped their smile from their Happy Meal for Mental Health Awareness Week. Is it aww? It's
sad they dropped their smile.
It's an initiative to promote mental health awareness by removing the iconic smile from their Happy Meal boxes. The move, you know, is to de stigmatize discussions around mental health, particularly among kids.
McDonald's collaborated with mental health experts and young people to develop the concept, which includes messages of support on the boxes. This will be really, really interesting to see how this is received over the next couple of weeks because Burger King did this in 2019.
This is not an original idea. And Burger King got fucking roasted.
What did Burger King do?
The
exact
same thing. on their version of a happy meal.
I'm curious to see the response versus like in 2019 how people felt about this and in 2024 how people feel it.
In general, cause based advertising is just too easy for people to pick out the hypocrisy. If Burger King really wanted to do something about mental health, if McDonald's really wanted to do something about mental health, they would pay their workers more, they would improve living conditions, they would introduce paid leave for parents, they would have better benefits.
Like, you can't just take a smile off. Those campaigns are tricky. And so, yeah, if you really want to do something, pay your workers more.
That's actually a great idea. Imagine people just being paid a living
Can you imagine?
Speaking of shitty working conditions, I wanted to ask you a question and I kind of get to know you, which I like to do every
week.
What is the worst job you've ever had?
Oh, the worst job. I've had a lot of jobs. Two come to mind. One was being a babysitter.
Really?
Yeah. I didn't like being a I liked being a babysitter, which like my cousins
But just like random kids. I
ugh.
I liked raiding other people's cupboards for food.
Oh,
that was great. When you would like babysit and you get cash and snacks, you just watch a show.
I babysat my cousins a bunch, which was, That wasn't the same. But I think the worst job I ever had was at a hospital where I worked at the, Centre de Prélèvement. Where you bring your samples.
The doctor's like, I want you to take home this little container.
Poo in it and then bring it back. And I would sit at a desk And people would bring me their pee and poo And I would have to just say thank you
And i'd fill out the requisition form make sure they got it all and then I would send it to the lab But I spent my days just taking little things of poo and pee
It helps me be like, oh yeah, that's a job that exists. Why were you in this job?
Someone told me that if you work at the hospital, they pay really well. It was a summer job. I was in university, so I could only work for like three and a half months it was, it was hard to get a job that was going to pay well, but also work in the daytime. It feels like it's someone else's life. Actually, when I think about driving to the hospital every day and going into work and be like, who was that person? So that was, that was a real shitty job.
Ba dum ching.
What
about you? Worst job?
In university I worked in like our sports complex and I had to hand out sports equipment for people who reserved courts.
One of the responsibilities was also receiving, washing, drying, folding, returning the varsity sports players uniforms.
So you would get stinky jerseys and shorts, all of
it. You'd have to
wash,
hmm.
Fold.
And then, did you have a crush on any of the
players?
All of
them. I dated all of them. I'm gonna make myself sound so terrible. Yeah, I dated all of them. I had a little varsity card, for sure. And I had a lot of stamps in it.
Because they were hot.
They're hot and tall.
That sounds like a perfect job for someone who wants to like
meet tall men, but then also be like I have to go
now.
It was bad when I would like stop dating one and then start dating the other and, and then the other, it was a fun time. I liked being
you
were 17 when you were in
Yeah.
Wow, you were
young
I was so emotionally immature. I was, it was a baby. , I think the worst, that wasn't really the worst job. I've been very lucky in my jobs. The hardest time was when I first moved here to Vancouver.
I had four jobs at one point I think I only did it for about six months and I went down to three. But I hosted and was a waitress I had a hosting job at another restaurant.
I Worked on the gold floor at the Fairmont, which was very bougie. And I was a bartender and waitress at the Commodore.
You did all four?
All four. And I could like barely make rent.
Yeah.
So it was a lot. That was a hard time. And at that point, you're just existing, right?
Did
you have
roommates when you first moved here?
Oh yeah, if I could go back and do it over, I would try and be in a situation for a longer period of time where I lived alone. I don't think I knew how much of an introvert I was. I think I always thought, because everybody was like, Oh, you're so boisterous, that I'm an extrovert, but I'm not.
I just present extrovert because that's how I survived.
Because it was what you learned in your years on how to make the situation work.,
Yeah. Or when I would drink I would be like, absolutely boisterous, and then the next day be like, what have I
drinking very hard a few weeks ago. We were in Nashville and my husband and I were, we went out for dinner as one does at a magic restaurant.
A magic restaurant?
It was a secret restaurant and someone meets you in an alley and then takes you down some stairs and it's this cavernous steakhouse.
It's beautiful. It looks like a big cave. And scattered around this gorgeous restaurant are magicians. And you can go and sit at their table and they'll do up close magic for you. And you can take your drink and then go back and finish your meal. Okay,
Okay, that's actually kind of fun.
That's unique.
And we met this couple who was sitting next to us at the bar, because we always like to sit at the bar, and we just started chatting with them.
you know, they were from Colorado. They got four kids. We learned everything about these
people.
We went to another location. Uh oh. And we kept drinking. And then we went to a third location. Where I think we had grilled cheese. But it's unclear. And it was one of those nights where we were just having so much fun.
And we, we don't do this
that
often.
And by the time we got back to the hotel it was two o'clock in the morning.
It's too late.
And the next day
it was so
bad.
It was so bad. I was,
hungover, but more than hungover. I was sad. I was, I was anxious. I was so anxious. I felt just sick and hot, couldn't hydrate to save my life. I would drink liters upon liters of water. Didn't matter.
Felt
Oh, that gut rot the next day is what gets me. Yeah.
There's a woman who wrote a piece for the magazine, it's called The Fear. And it's a really poetic take on those feelings after a raucous night
out.
Oh yeah. So
I'd
love to like, finish. This episode, by reading this, and I'll link to it in the, show notes if you don't have time to listen. I remember in my early twenties, I remember there being two mornings in a row.
I woke up nude with a phone in one hand and a half eaten piece of pizza in the other. And I was like, enough,
I
cannot live this way. And so I really liked this essay. It's written by Leah commander,
The fear. is the sense that you have done yourself some lasting damage after a night of drinking.
And that's the definition via Urban Dictionary.
And
so that's why she titles her essay, The Fear. Why do I do this to myself? Every. Single. Time. Flashbacks of no salt, no lime, no hope of cutting the violent assault I overpaid for. Over and over again. I feel like I'm dead. Maybe this is the end. It begins in my head, the pulsating in my brain, punctuating each word. Every. Single. Time. Poor man's iambic pentameter.
It always starts the same. I test that my mouth still functions by muttering the words aloud. Vowels fumble into one another due to a severe case of cotton mouth. My teeth, whilst seemingly all there, feel on the cusp of decay.
I know, it's so relatable. My tongue tasted like the cigarettes I swore to have given up. I'm alive. My limbs are reminiscent of a newborn calf's. Weak from lack of use and comically floppy. Each step from my bed feels like I'm pushing against the force of gravity. The outfit graveyard under my toes like landmines.
The trip to the bathroom in my creased clothes from the night before is my flatmate's 30 second opportunity to question if she lives with a real adult. This exact moment is the only time I won't be offended if she thinks this.
Sometimes the sweat and remaining scum of foundation clogging my pores makes me look radiant. Five steps to achieve that hungover glow. The leftover mascara rimming my eyes brings out the green in them. I look attractive and mysterious, like a woman written by a man in a 90s rom com. My guts feel like they'll pour out of my belly button.
But at least I'll die sexy. Most times, I think I look the worst I ever have. Red, blotchy face, as if I have completed my first marathon mid rem. Cheeks that don't look youthfully plump or sweetly round, but the ten pounds I need to lose. The intricate network of blood filled vessels in my eyes provide an insight into fragments of my anatomy that I have never seen. A detailed map of parts unknown. It's not chilly, but my hair resembles fire kindling. This cycle of alcohol induced self hatred, full of nothing but pre vomit and off brand paracetamol. Is a humbling comfort. It confirms that I had a good night, even if I cannot remember any of it. This ranking system is extremely flawed. I am all too aware that a night shouldn't be judged based on how close to blacking out you are.
Unfortunately, I'm just being honest, enjoying nights out without consuming a gruesome cocktail of bottom shelf tequila and a cheap sauv blanc is on my New Year's resolution list for 2024. It's been on there for the past three years. I vomit. Sunglasses in the supermarket are an essential. I think it gives off the energy that I'm a D list celebrity who thinks they can't exist in public supermarkets.
In the freezer aisle come House of Mirrors, I realize this is not the reality. I just look hungover. I cannot help but hold out hope that the cute cashier may ask me for my number when he scans my organic produce purchases, a family sized bag of Doritos, and a can of sugar free Red Bull. He doesn't, and I spiral. Every now and again, I fear I am strolling along the path to alcoholism. A voice in my mind repeats this whenever I stew in such hungover regret. Deep down, I know I'm not, yet I cannot help but give into the same fear each time. Most nights, thoughts of drinking do not occupy much space in my brain.
Bottles of wine are reserved for gossip fueled dinners with friends, and spirits for midnights where I want to pretend that I hold more than one grain of confidence in a sticky floored club. but, you are the voice chants in a soothing crescendo. You are. You are! The carnivorous black hole somewhere inside that convinces me of this is cut off abruptly.
It's when I'm almost out the door of the over stimulating corner store of horrors, and suddenly there's a ray of glimmering golden light cutting through the clinical LEDs. Calling to me are the rich, chocolate colored bottles of sparkling, gut saving kombucha, no and low alcohol seltzers in their pretty flowery packaging, mocktails in their flamboyant names screaming to be bought in bulk with the money I don't have, time stands still as I am held hostage there, imagining my new life of sobriety.
A vision of no more Acrid morning after disgust or strategic 13. 5 percent spews. This new path sans alcohol is a handheld out welcoming me into their world of clean girls and goop women who care about what toxins do to their annoyingly perfect skin. Or perhaps more deliciously, it will be the key to unlocking the next level of Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Self actualization now available in flavors of cherry, pineapple, and lime. In this moment, I care not if this is what their marketing is tricking me into believing. That all my woes will be solved by thinking sober thoughts all the time, no matter how painful that change will be.
My hand doesn't reach for this new offering just yet, but my enlightened self is glowing anew as the door's bell rings behind me. Still in this moment. The only things that can resurrect me from my preordained self-loathing are chicken nuggets, two portions of hash browns from the grease pit on the corner, and a pint of freshly squeezed orange juice.
No pulp, and it has to be in this order. The chaos brings out the umami. The non existent nutritional value is something I'm vaguely aware of, but cannot bring myself to care about. The top tier of the food pyramid, where all the mouth watering O. C. E.
words live, Fructose, Sucrose, Glucose, Dextrose, Lactose, Maltose, is the closest thing to heaven I have ever encountered. Loneliness hangs putrid in the air above my bed and smothers. Suddenly, I master time travel and am now a 19th century ill child longing for their mother. I feel at one with Alcott's Beth in Little Women. Like her, I had scarlet fever when I was only eight. I was retching blood and couldn't eat for days.
I felt like I might die then, too. For those two weeks, I slept in my mother's bed and wanted to be held all the time. I'm 8 years old again. Cozy in the pit of despair, I come embarrassingly close to impulsively booking a flight home. Regrettably, I have established myself as an overbearingly independent young woman.
I take it back.
Instead, I long to have found success on one of those dating apps that are a disguised punishment for not finding the love of your life via childhood sweetheart. Technology does not have the capacity to harvest men who want to coddle me and kiss my forehead and feed me expensive fruits directly into my mouth like I'm Cleopatra.
Alternatively, I could call a friend and beg for attention, plead like I'm on my way out swift and fierce and this is my last request. I convince myself that vulnerability is endearing and would not reduce me to a clingy lump of flesh and raging hormones. I don't pick up the phone. This part of the cycle is the chance for me to start over, to never force my body into submission like this again. To commit to the biweekly vinyasa yoga classes, getting my dead ends trimmed every two months, and taking that leap towards sobriety. Manifestations will be the first thing out of my mouth each morning and I will be grateful for everything.
If my phone gets stolen at the bus stop, or my grocery bag splits on my way home, it was meant to happen. What is meant for me won't pass me and I only attract positive things into my life. On the cusp of sleep, I mutter that first affirmation. I solemnly swear to never drink again. Cross my heart and hope to die. The cycle repeats.
Isn't that
great? Oh,
I
love
that. Isn't that fun?
You can get that post and her whole portfolio in the show notes.
She's really talented.
That was
beautiful.
Up, but it didn't matter the next day. Even if I had done a good deed, it didn't matter.
You were that, well, I thought that was a poetic way
of talking about something very painful and ugly.
Beautiful, beautifully
beautifully written.
đź“Ť
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