I'm trying to meet new people in Vancouver. Because it's impossible to meet new people. I'm sorry, you went to
an event?
Yeah, Celine event at Full Renfrew.
You didn't call me. This is why
I had too much champagne and bought these crazy sunglasses.
If I want to spend that kind of money, I want it to come with a fucking story.
Celine, when I see their ads, that's my brand. Yeah. The herringbone blazer, the double denim with a slightly flared leg.
They're so into denim right now. Long, unwashed blonde hair. Why are you laughing? Because when Brianna told me that she went to a
Céline event 📍 last night. I thought it was Céline Dion. Oh!
Because I said, I got into trouble at a Céline event. And she's what did you do? What did you say to her? What did you say to her?
She's so protective of her. And that's
why I'm laughing because you two right away were like, I see sleek, I see beauty. And I went, I see a French Canadian hero.
Welcome to your weekly breakdown the silly and occasionally smart podcast. I'm Emily a tech burnout mother of two and We have a very special guest today. This is our 10th episode. Can you believe it?
We made it. We made it. To everyone who thought we wouldn't make it, here we are. Statistically speaking, people don't make it to 10 or people like quit after 10. So we'll see if we're here next week. Okay, I love that. My name is
Caitlin. I am an actor, a comedian, and this is our early morning podcast.
We've never recorded this early before. God, do we sound warmed up
so far, so good.
Every week we get together to chat about cultural conversations and news. We make fun of the latest pop culture dramas. We'll rant about life's minor inconveniences. We might even judge each other's styles and life choices. And today we have a special guest.
It's me. My name is Brianna Buckmaster.
I am a cancer. I had seven hours of sleep last night. I drink cinnamon in my coffee and I like to play pretend for a living.
You. Slept for seven hours last night.
Isn't that amazing? However, I want you to know that I woke up going Where am I? Who am I? Where is my husband? Did I just get back from a work trip?
I was more confused than I think I've ever been ever in any hotel. And then I immediately went, what drugs did I do last night?
But did you do drugs? No, No. Do you think you just slept really well and it threw you in a different state?
Who is this bitch? She slept so good. Um, Yes. E for
explicit.
What finally brought you back to reality?
That I needed to hurry up because my friend Caitlin was coming to pick me up. Oh yeah. And I was going to get a text message going, I'm in the alley! Pretty soon. Huh. I don't know why. It was nice though, because usually I will wake up in the middle of the night, have to pee, I have to think through things for a bit, and I didn't do any of that.
I love that. Just slept. Maybe that was it. Maybe it was literally, I just didn't recognize myself. What a beautiful way to start the day. Just being like, get out.
Get out. This podcast is brought to you by hard copy, the free comfort newsletter for cozy weekends. Join the thousands of busy women who already subscribe to enjoy curated recommendations for what to watch, listen to, read, and indulge in.
And to stay in the know on all things culture, work, and women, you can get that at hardcopy. online.
What do you want to talk about today, ladies?
It's so funny. We started recording the podcast and now I'm like shy. ,
what will make you feel less shy?
I just wanted to say the obvious, which is that the three of us are friends, full disclosure, and that Emily, you and I met through Brianna.
Yeah, That you
are our, you are a connector. Namaste. And it's hard to meet friends and make friends in your early to mid late 30s and 40s. Thank you for all of those options for us.
Early to mid late 30s and 40s. 30s and 40s. I'm one of those. Exactly. You pick. But it's just so nice to have these moments where like you connect and you actually, you meet, you like each other and you're like, Oh my God, we made friends, but you're very good at that. You did it. You're very good at that.
I do curate my friendships and not saying I only like certain people. I feel like I'm at an age where. Just with different lifestyles, careers, families, some friendships don't work and it's not because anybody is good, anybody's bad, they're, you just are prioritizing differently. And I've learned to not take it personally, which is a challenge for me.
As I mentioned, I am a cancer and so I can be quite overly sensitive about stuff, but we are busy. We are busy and the things I like to do for fun, some people might find stressful and vice versa. And I do have a group of friends, some of whom I haven't seen in months, haven't talked to in months, but I don't go, I guess that friendship's over now, or just, everybody's busy, and you get together when you can, and I know that those women via their senses of humor, what they do for a living, I know they all have certain things in common, so I find it actually quite neat.
Calming to bring a group of them together. And it's fun for me to just sit and watch, because they all are quite funny.
I have a friend I haven't seen in years. She lives on the opposite side of the country, and I still say, my best friend. Sure. And sometimes we don't speak or text for months and months, it's still just a valued connection. Friendships, look. And I think, to your point about friendships evolving, sometimes they come in and come out people are going through it. One of my favorite quotes from my dad, he said, If you expect perfection in your friends, you won't have any.
And Our friends are our mirrors. I always say my family is my earth. And they hold me and they ground me and sustain me and then my friendships are the sun.
And my friendships are the ones that make me feel awake, alive. They also shine light on me, but also show me my shadows. And I cannot function without them.
How do you guys like to spend time with your friends?
What does that look like in our, what did you say? Early to mid to late thirties? Yeah, early to mid late
thirties and forties. It's anything from like the friends that I'd love to sit on a couch with and watch a show. I would love to. I don't do that anymore, but it is a very comforting. I do love it when it happens.
Yeah. I have this great memory of sharing a hotel with a friend. And we were just laying in bed watching TV all morning. Just be like, Ooh, Ooh, what's this? And being cozy like that. But I also love going out with a friend. Getting that feeling of Oh, we're out and about. We're alive. We're doing a thing. We're going for oysters. We're gonna have Champagne. You gave me a reason to put on
a belt I like showing my friends off. I love when i'm somewhere I'd meet somebody and be like, Oh, you love my friend Cait or, we're out and most of my friends are quite gregarious.
And so I'd be like, you think I'm fun? You should see two of me. Do you know what I mean? I always want to show my friends off.
Yeah.
But I do go to the movies a lot. That's probably the thing I do with my friends the most. Because it gives an allotted amount of time that everybody can, for the most part, squeeze in.
You have something like to discuss, catch up before, discuss after there's food involved. So I'm pro that. A drink if you want one, because some people drink and some don't. That's probably what I do the most. And then go for food. Yeah. I need a
little refresh on it. Most of my friends are moms.
And so we tend to combine things like social time with fitness. So we'll get together at six in the morning for a walk jog or we're just sending each other voice notes. Voice notes is great. And sometimes that's it. I need to up the ante, especially as we transition from summer into fall.
It's fucking dark. the sun's not going to set. after 7 p. m. until March. Like I, I need some dopamine. I need some new ideas for how to bring some joy into my life. This is what we were
just talking about on the drive here, I did go out last night to this event, even though I felt a little overwhelmed with things that I needed to do and then also just wanted to sit. I do enjoy a good set. A little too much.
What does that mean? That's why I just
sit on my phone. Oh, in the couch, on the couch, into the couch, in the couch and that is good.
I think sometimes I need that, especially after I've gotten back from a convention or something. I need to not talk to people for a little bit. But if I do too much of it, I do start to spin and spiral. And so I did go to this event because I did want to meet new people. I love meeting new people, even if they're not necessarily people I will meet later on.
I do get energy from interactions. Like I am a true introverted extrovert. And with the weather, as you're saying, starting to get darker, cooler in Vancouver, they start to, everybody starts to go like this a little bit.
Listeners at home, I'm putting my hands slowly over my head like a cave because we hibernate. Yeah. And I know Cait was just in L. A. and we were talking about how there is something about the sun and people are in Los Angeles.
For the most part to be somebody. They're dreamers. To make something happen.
They went there because they want to meet other people who want to make a thing. They have an idea They want that idea to happen. And if that's the general Vibe and motor underneath a lot of people do more things.
Yeah, I went to some bars where I was like How did everyone know about this place? It's packed. And it's just some sort of hole in the wall. It's the second floor of a house. And it's so cool.
I want to go to L. A. with you.
Yeah, it was fun. So we said, we should
do a group trip to L. A. Let's do it. Because it's just a hop,
skip, and a jump.
It is. I did escape to L. A. last year twice. And only for 72 hours, but it was so rejuvenating.
It's the sun and it's also, everybody is inspired and driven. I went to LA right after a convention. So immediately, as I said, I was like, I'm really tired.
My girlfriend was like, we can go get a bite or something. And I landed. And I was like Oh, we're going out like I immediately the energy hit me where you're just like, let's go out.
And if you're on the east coast, you can go to Florida where, Oh wow, that was a hard.
I
was just trying to think of people who are listening on the east coast where they could do New York.
And again, it's not giving you the same sunshine. No. I was talking about like in wintertime when you want that. But it does give me
a lot of
energy. I also do love New York. Barbados?
Bahamas? Sure, yeah. Any of the Caribbean? Cuba. Islands? Oh
yes. Yeah. Yeah.
Have you seen or heard about these dopamine menus? Not a new concept, but gaining traction and popularity. I think I saw
a hard copy. Did you do an article about it?
A dopamine menu is this idea that there's a literally a menu, an appetizer, main, and dessert of things that will give you dopamine.
At a place? Oh, I thought it was like a restaurant. I thought it was like a wellness spa.
People make money off anything. You can. What if it came with nachos? I'm in.
Instantly in. I saw the funniest thing. It was like, I'll have a kid's menu and a margarita.
That would, I would love a little bit of a chicken nuggets. I had chicken nuggets for dinner last night.
We do have a kid's menu of chicken nuggets. and fries. Do you let grown ups order them? Do you let grown ups order? Yeah,
sure. Okay, so some people, some places will let a grown up order off the kids menu, which is bullshit.
Thank you. Okay,
Here's the viral reference to the dopamine menu. The first time I heard of this was from my friend Lily and she was going through cancer treatment and she made her own dopamine menu.
Okay, I'm going to play this
I recently discovered the concept of a dopamine menu, which is basically your go to list of things you can do to feel good throughout your day so you don't default to doom scrolling on social media.
And then of course, the video, she's pouring herself a nice coffee, taking the dog for a walk, doing a puzzle, reading a book, picking flowers.
These, ugh, micro moments to instill some dopamine.
So you could make your own menu where like an appetizer is a small little thing that you could do. Something quick, something easy. Iced coffee looking out my kitchen window. Great. And then the main would maybe be like, go for a hike, do a cold plunge, do,
ugh.
Yes, let's do these. And then a dessert
would be, I don't know, a pedicure, a dessert.
Yeah, or eating a dessert. So I'm curious as we, so there is like this, you guys are, I love it. What? Yes, dessert. On that note, on a dessert note, slight interjection here, apple pie or pumpkin pie?
Why are you doing this to me?
I know my answer, it was easy. Both. No. Oh. Pumpkin.
Oh! I would say apple. Oh. Really? Come on now. What do you mean? Don't yuck my,
it falls apart. You can't get one bite. The crust falls off the apple. Oh, who wants the crust? So would you like an apple crumble? Honestly, I You don't like mess? You like a tidy thing?
I don't like a hot fruit. What I understand
this. I do.
I don't like hot fruit. I don't like,
I don't like a plum tart. Do you like a warm pumpkin pie? Ew. That's, come on. That's just chili. Chili. What, at a certain point. Come on now.
Do you eat warm pumpkin pie? No. No. It's gotta be cold.
Probably cold. She eats it warm?
Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not a, I'm not some sort of dorm kid who's rummaging through the fridge in the morning looking for breakfast. Do you know where we're from? Hillbilly Nowhere. Yeah. we don't have fridges. No. No. We have ovens. No, we eat it straight out of the can.
No, I like it. A little bit warm with some, we either whipped cream or vanilla ice cream on it. Huh?
Yeah,
again, I don't like a hot fruit. You know what?
I will eat it.
I will eat anything. I know, same. If you put it on a plate, I'll be like, sure. Okay no pineapple on pizza then for you.
Oh! No.
No.
Oh, God. No.
I don't
Oh, I'm so sorry,
Oh, and especially if it comes out of a can. Oh
my god. Oh my god. Would you, Em? Shame on you, Canadians. Canadians. Canadians. Gross. Pineapple on pizza. No, I'd pick it off.
I don't want it. I don't want it. It's Hawaiian
pizza, by the way.
Not a Canadian pizza.
It's a Canadian thing. Hawaiian pizza is a Canadian I want you to hear yourself say that.
Hawaiian pizza
is a Canadian
thing. I love that. Yeah. And I want you to go home and I want a thousand word essay on what you just said. I'm
gonna, okay, ladies and gentlemen, next up on the hard copy blog, how Hawaiian pizza is a Canadian thing.
Tell me about what you do for dopamine.
healthy dopamine or like I do. Yes. Healthy dopamine. Yeah. That is a
great distinction because this Doom scrolling. Will hit the dopamine. that's a distinction between good and bad is not so great.
Not so great. Yes. Non what I would consider or screen.
I do shop, I do enjoy shopping. Amazing. Yep.
Love to shop.
I do like shopping. And I, you know what I do, and this involves the screen, so I'm sorry I'm breaking the rules, but I will put things in a cart.
then just leave them there. That actually sometimes is enough.
Yeah, I bet it is. So are you an in real life shopper? Or an online
shopper?
No, there's nothing. In this city, there's nothing in real life anymore. This is why I got so excited last night. To buy stuff. Because I was like, things! You went to a, it was a clothing or a fashion brand event.
It was
in the personal shopping, there was an apartment upstairs at Holt Renfrew. And there's like a, it's a personal shopping area and you like sit in this. I know this is how rich some people are. And that's how they shop. They shop, they go up there, they get drinks, they get food.
And then there's just racks of clothes that people will put there for them. They go and they tried on very pretty white couches. I'd spill something. Yep. I was like, I don't know where to put my alcohol because I was going to spill something. I love the idea of
someone also going, going to curate some looks for you.
I'm going to pull some things. That's what I said. We also don't know what we always look like. We have a bit of body dysmorphia. Yeah.
the point of shopping in this city, There isn't a lot. For the most part, Vancouver's fashion is very Pacific Northwest.
Which is comfort, layers, keeping yourself from the rain. So if you want something a little more elevated, I wouldn't know where to go. But where would you wear it? To, not Vancouver. To not Vancouver. That place.
Any of those places. I feel like the only places I would dress up would be galas or charity events.
In this city, yeah. I feel like for work I do dress up quite a bit.
I wish I did more. Yeah. I have so many beautiful clothes and outfits but I'm in my thick era. A little extra juicy era. And I cannot part with them because,
they're too nice. Too expensive. Yeah.
And I have, I do a lot of consigning of my clothes, but there's some stuff that I know I'm like, no, never.
I will get, I will go to the gym again and eat more leafy greens. And
there's also that too, where we know our bodies are constantly in flux.
Constantly changing. Constantly changing. So you're like, I don't know.
Week by week. Depending on where you are in your cycle.
Yes. Oh my gosh.
So you're also right to say I'm not going to throw away that beautiful coat because there is a world in which next year.
It fits like a glove.
So what's your dopamine hit? I like going into the woods. Oh, that's take me out of the city and put me by water. Water is a big one. Swimming. I love to swim. And it can be in a pool. I'd rather it wouldn't be in a pool because there's other people there. But If it's in nature, I can just have a float or even just put my feet in the water.
That can do it or
hear
the water. Hearing the water helps. I took my dog for a hike and by hike, I mean a walk in the woods. Yeah, it was a woods walk. And I just kept complimenting the trees. A friend of mine told me about this and I was like, Oh, that's a good idea. So I walked around and every time I saw a tree that was really big, I went way to go.
Way to go. Way to go. You did it. You are doing a very good job. Look how big
and firm
you are. Look at you. Way to go. Huh. And then I'll just keep walking on my way. And that is, I think that's, unfortunately you have to drive to the woods.
Not far.
Not far. Not too
far. Not too far. And this city, that's
really why, that's why we live here. That's why we pay the big bucks. It's for like the mountains, ocean. Forest are literally 20 minutes away. Yes, that's true. It was
20
minutes.
I
like
the idea of it also
being
quiet Yeah,
I do enjoy an ocean sit.
I like the sound I don't necessarily like doing that with friends
okay, so I feel that way about shopping. It's a very solo experience for me. Except for if you're going to an event, please take me. Yeah, sure. But yeah, if I'm shopping I understand that. I like being somebody else's helper person when they're shopping.
Mine's similar to you, a cold plunge. Just going out in the ocean. If it's January, I'll go take Dolly to the dog beach and then I'll just go in the water. It's like my favorite thing to do. Yeah, being outside in nature solo.
I don't talk to trees, but I do talk to the plants. So I will soothe the plants or when I'm gardening and I'm not a total green thumb. Most of the time I kill the plants by accident. I'm so sorry. But I like to dig my hands in the dirt. Yes. And I also just enjoy. Total vice, but like a glass of red wine.
This is why
it was wrong to say good and bad dopamine. I know! Because if it gives you dopamine, the judgment comes later. The shame can come later. And
then, of course, I love, every time it's your birthday, you're like, should we go to the spa?
And yes, we should. To be in such a Warm and cozy, comforting quiet is a big thing,
so having this conversation reminds me of the as you had mentioned, the appetizers, the mains, smaller dopamines, which I probably have more regularly than I would notice.
Yesterday, because I'm a little jet lagged, I got up at like 5 a. m. and nobody else is up yet. And that never happens. Usually I'm the last one to get up. And the sun hadn't come up yet, so I made coffee and then I went and sat in the office and there's another couch in the office. And I just waited and like I was on my phone for sure, but it's still like you get to wait for the sun to come up.
That was nice. And then there is a spider on our balcony it was a big spider was building and I'd never watched a spider make a web before and I was like, this is fascinating and it like pulls it out of its butthole and then it like just puts it down and it put nose to put it down in the exact right spot because they're all perfectly symmetrical as we now know nature is amazing.
And then I brought Valentina, my daughter thought it was the coolest thing she had ever seen. And then we named her Charlotte, as you do,
Those little things that I don't actually think I notice enough. And maybe if I, Put a little more emphasis and went that was nice a little more often I would want to do more of that and less scrolling.
The phone is incredibly addictive because the dopamine is so big. Oh, yeah it is taking those like present moments and just slowing down and
this is a dopamine hit.
Oh,
yeah this yeah it is early in the morning. I'm wide awake.
I'm having the best time. We need to acknowledge This is fun. We should start doing it first thing in the morning.
Oh my god
Forever. I have to get my
fucking kids to
school. I
know thank you. They'll be fine. I am lucky they're old enough now that they're generally Well behaved and no, the classic social expectations, but I saw these kids. We were out and they were just a terror. We're at a restaurant and they're a terror.
And the parents looked like they just gave up, which I relate to, but I wanted to know what you guys thought about. Kids in public spaces. My hot take for the day is that I think even poorly behaved kids should be accepted in public spaces. There's a lot of discourse online around how kids should be and how they shouldn't be, and how to parent and how to not parent, and whether or not they should be allowed in these public spaces.
And so I have a very strong opinion about the fact that they should be allowed, and that's core to their socialization, and society's level of tolerance around different behaviors. What do you guys think?
Okay. You are both, first of all, you're both parents. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Tell me
what you think.
And I'm the only adult only household.
But parents are divided on this as well. Parents
are sometimes more judgmental than I agree. I think it's funny that this is even a conversation. So I'm curious to hear what as parents, what do you do when your kid is like, being an asshole?
your version?
Like, What is your version of an asshole. I want to know what that means because it'll mean something different to everyone. Okay, we're
at a hypothetical. We're at a restaurant. You're on a date. It's an early date, because you like to eat dinner at six o'clock.
What kind of restaurant are we
at? Upscale pizza place. Wine, yummy things like burrata,
or a Otto Strada, or
too expensive for my kids, but yeah, sure. These kids are speaking really loudly, they're running around, The restaurant, they're in a booth one kid's like standing up on the booth being a complete little jackass. Is that acceptable or not?
We. live in a society and we've all agreed to live in a society. We got to do this together, right? So there are agreements, there are social agreements that I think that we all attempt to make.
We want to accept others. People's brains work differently. We now luckily realize this more and more. so there's two things. If a child is jumping up on a seat, I don't know if that child is neurodivergent. I don't know if that child is wanting attention because they're having a hard time at home.
I don't know if that child is being encouraged to be silly because their parents like the entertainment. I have no idea what's going on. But I know that we're at a restaurant and everybody at that restaurant is paying to be there. And so everybody gets a similar experience. Do I think that child needs to be kicked out?
No. But me sitting there, I have two experiences, which is one is is that affecting my experience? Then maybe I need to adjust because I can't control that kid. I can't go up to that family and be like, control your child or whatever, because I don't know what's going on. And so I always liked attempt Not always possible attempt to lead with compassion, which is like maybe something is happening that I don't know about and then it is my job to control my expectations and reactions and try to try to sit in this it's like when you're on an airplane and a baby is screaming.
What are you going to do? Yeah. That's just, luck of the draw, man. I am
so amazed at the number of people who get really fucking worked up about that. Same. I
don't Goddammit. The baby is screaming because they are in pain. Yeah. Do I love it? No. I don't love it. But, what am I gonna do? Yeah.
I think the first thing is that people don't You were like, in society we have an agreement and we all have to do this together. I don't think that's a widely accepted viewpoint.
I think we're all very individualistic right now, yeah. And I think there's a fear, too, where parents now are, they'll shove the screen in front of their kid's face at dinner. And so we're teaching them to not have to. Sit and have polite conversation.
And I find that also equally rude
I'm like, why? Why are you are? This is also not helpful. Yeah. So I have to admit, I've been known to trip a child
on purpose. Yeah,
of course. No. Yeah. I was at a restaurant, rhymes with Joe Forte and there was a kid, screaming and running. And I absolutely did put up my foot.
That's assault.
No. No. No, it's not. Intent to harm. No. Emily, you're not even a lawyer. You're not even. And hear me out. I think I'm getting in trouble here. Because I had already given many looks to the parents.
At one point I went, it's over here.
Would you
parents care?
Didn't care. Yeah. Didn't care. And so I also think it's our job as society to have a little bit of light bullying. I think kids should go to school to be corrected by their peers. I think kids were told they're special and they're unique. Okay. Up to a point, but. You gotta have, I just remember being in grade one and doing something and my friends being like, you can't really do that anymore.
Or having a friend who would suck her thumb in grade six and us going, Shannon, you can't do that anymore. And her parents must have tried everything, I'm saying, but it took a year. It's the creation
of those social contracts you're talking about. Yeah, interesting.
I do think it's like, in a little light bullying, what is the difference between light bullying and guidance?
Yeah. I think that we Tend to be, to your point, like individualistic too. Individualistic. Yeah. Precious.
Yes. Okay.
I just burped. You need to burp a little bit. No, Jesus . I came from deep down. It kept going.
Are you doing a cartoon burp right now? Oh my God. I'm fine. I think that we, I'm worried parents, I feel in social situations, and I say this because I felt it.
can feel like their children are a direct reflection of them. And so their behavior, good or bad, is part of their ego. And so if a child is misbehaving, and another adult comes and says, little one, you can't run and scream like that in a restaurant, the parent will feel like somebody is. Coming at them.
Yeah. I'll, I'll address the parent first. I had a friend stay with me and their 3-year-old. And the 3-year-old was in a real spitting phase. Oh, God. God. And was spitting on everything in my house.
Ew.
So I said to my friend, Hey, can you talk to your kid? Just cause it's gross. It's gross. I can't believe you had to even say that to your friend.
I couldn't either, but I think Brianna you're right. I think a lot of parents are just also they've seen it and they're like, yeah, he's spitting right now. You don't notice it.
We mentioned it last week, everybody's over parenting and everybody's exhausted and burned out from parenting and parents can't even function.
There's literally a health crisis that the US Surgeon General put out around parents can't even parent anymore because they're so exhausted and it's overwhelming. I know your first impression is to be like, suck it up. No,
No. My first impression is, that was my first impression, What has changed? I'm
holding up a phone. Really? Yeah.
Parents are extra exhausted because of, there's a bunch of different factors. There's more expected of them.
Especially women, especially working women.
They're constantly connected. Lack of childcare. Stagnant wages, so many systemic things.
Keeping up with the
Joneses because social media. Yeah. Oh yeah. Must have the best birthday party.
Must make keto friendly brownies for all your kids lunches. Like when you see what parents, make for their kids lunches. Sometimes I go. What a
waste. Emily, you had posted something about cooking.
I don't cook. I think that is a source of pride for me. I do not cook. I do not know how to cook. I do not enjoy cooking, but I do enjoy seeing other people do it. You're also a very good cook. A lot of my friends are good cooks. That's the only reason I'm friends with you.
And my husband who is a red seal certified chef. We don't really cook at home. If we're making an effort to have a nice meal, we'll cook. Otherwise it's a lot of eggs. It's a lot of grocery store chicken. It's a lot of frozen chicken fingers. We just don't put in the time to cook. Often we can't.
That's a thing that is fine with me. I like going out to dinner, let things go. Yeah, you're
saying as a busy parent.
There's just no extra time. How do we get on this?
Spitting
spitting.
I just said, I said it to the mom first. I just said to the mom, I need you to correct.
What did she do?
I think she was very apologetic and because she was a friend of mine. She was like, I know. I'm sorry. I should have caught it. And I was like no, it's fine.
Quietly going. You're not staying with me ever again. Calling the cleaners the next day, wiping everything down. But it also gets to the point where I think if they were a kid that I knew better maybe if it was like one of your kids that I had more of a relationship with, I would say, Hey, And I need you to wipe that up.
Do you talk to the parent first? Did you talk to the kid? If in my experience, let's be at a park or something hypothetical and there's a parent and they can see their kids being a dick, like beyond a socially acceptable, but again, it's my idea of what's socially acceptable or not.
I will absolutely parent their kid. And I have an agreement with my close friends that if we're together and our kids are together and you see my kid doing something that is maybe inadvisable They absolutely have my permission to go and correct that. They don't need to ask me, and I have that with them.
But in a public space, I think you could get in big trouble. be, uh, With a stranger. You would be Absolutely a deep shit if you try to parent somebody else's kid. Yeah,
no, I would go to the parent first. Yeah. Even at a restaurant, you know what, at this one time where I did put my foot out.
Look, the kid didn't fall. Do you really want that on the internet? That I don't care about. Because that was also like, it's not like I was like, booby trapping the kid. I just made it harder for the kid to get around.
I see. You were just
dominating your area. And if they didn't see my foot, then that's a good lesson to slow down.
I didn't kick them. I didn't kick them, internet. I'm open to
these, I'm open to these ideas.
I also don't have kids so I don't find the preciousness of them. I understand that their brains are soft. And undeveloped.
So I've become very good friends with Valentina's friends moms.
They are a community that I hold very sacred as someone who is often out of town. And so I rely on them and allow them to rely on me because when I am in town, I'm really pretty available. We have a great relationship and rapport. These girls have gone. from kindergarten to whatever grade she's in now.
Five? I don't know. Very precious. No, that's the other thing is I actually find children less precious now that I have them. I'm like, Oh no, they're just like hunks of meat that you got to keep alive. They figure the rest out. But I did read somewhere that it is important for kids, especially girls to have close
groups because people change so much as you're growing and their brains change so much, their tastes change so much that to have one friend from kindergarten to adulthood is challenging, not impossible, but it can be less painful if there's groups I also read that is important for kids.
Again, I'm going to be more specific and say girls, but it is important for girls to have a community that is not their peers around them.
Meaning adults who are not their parents. Because there are things that kids can get scared to tell their parents, but they still need an adult to go to because their peers are still kids. They're growing up. They don't know what to do. They don't know what's right. And so with the kind of chastising kids that aren't ours, I also think it's important because when you give a child boundaries, they know that they can go to you going, Oh, she knows the rules because the boundaries are.
For the most part, trying to keep you, if not safe, physically, in a social acceptance of, as we were talking about, a socially accepted world that we have all gone, this is how this works. I'm teaching you by throwing my foot out. See? You're welcome. Oh, Jesus. In a roundabout way. Yeah. It's just like all these little agreements that we make as a society and part of it is to go, you don't really know.
So I'm going to tell you, you cannot spit on things, but I love you. Yeah. Can I get you a sandwich? We'll clean it up together. Yeah. That's it.
I read something somewhere very early on as a parent that, a great way to not overwhelm yourself as a parent is sticking to health and safety.
So if it doesn't have to do with health and safety, I'm probably not going to. parent or correct or, I'm not going to tell you what to wear. But if it is a threat to your health or safety, then I'm probably going to step in. What
about mental health?
Absolutely. Oh, I like that. That's a new one though.
That's a newer idea. I have a son and a daughter and I am not excited. We are very strict around the rules with phones, devices, connectivity, social media. I'm not excited. It's going to be tough. Yeah, for sure.
Speaking of phones some crazy news. Do you guys think your phones are listening to you?
I should hope so. God damn it. At this point, yes. You do think so? I'm guessing yes. Yeah, it
doesn't feel very tinfoil hat to actually
do that anymore.
No, no, No. I remember years ago where we'd be like, I was just talking about the Diva Cup and look at this ad. How did that happen?
So there are companies out there that are in the category of data brokers. And they work with large tech companies, which is a very monopolistic industry, to get data and sell data.
To advertisers. They purport exactly to sell to advertisers. This is what people want your data for.
Yeah. Yeah.
There was a report last week, Snapchat. Now, in your user settings, if you use Snapchat, they you
use Snapchat? No. They I'm
too
fucking old for
that. No.
I am getting old. I do like a
filter, but why else are you on Snapchat? Don't know. Yeah, you do.
The auto setting on a Snapchat account is that you are, yes, okay with them, using your AI generated likeness to serve ads back to you.
Say that one more time. So Snapchat is, the default, unless you opt out, can use your images to create an AI generated likeness of you. To then use in ads served back to you. So it's me drinking a coffee at Starbucks. So black mirror, right? So that's a whole thing that came up that is like a true thing.
That's not a tinfoil hat. No that got a little more traction last week in the report from 404 Media where LinkedIn, you have to opt out in your user settings
Marker
that, that you don't give them permission to use your information and data to train their large language models.
Every once in a while on
Instagram, there'll be like a, Everybody put this on your stories. That doesn't do anything. But that's not it. I'm like, I'm not falling for this.
I love that because it means people care. They're not quite sure how it works or what to do about it. But I like that it gets some traction and people are thinking about it because we do need to think about it.
But it is the equivalent of saying there's a fire, quick, someone put on a hat. Yes. Put
on a
hat.
There are many studies done by the Federal Trade Commission. A government agency trying to deal with private business, and it's very challenging.
There's a bunch of reports that they're putting together around vast surveillance. You are being, watched, you are being listened to the point where I know you're not going to believe this, but I'm going to tell you this.
Most people don't understand that there's a shadow data broker industry. You think I don't have anything to hide. You can take my stuff, but these data brokers sell gigantic amounts of data harvested by your credit card company, by Bluetooth and Wi Fi monitoring devices on streets and in stores and by your car.
Data brokers will buy this data from anyone who claims to have it. Anyone who claims to have it. So that's where it gets murky. Are we tinfoil hat? Are we not tinfoil hat? Do they have it? Do they not have it? Including people who are probably lying. Like Nissan. The car company, who claims that it has records of the smells inside of drivers cars, as well as data on those drivers sex lives in their cars.
what would smell data?
That was my first question. So there's Farty. Farty.
Musky. Yeah.
There's a claim out there that Nissan and Kia collect data on the driver's sexual activity and sex lives. So this is from a Like sex
in the car?
Yeah. A privacy watchdog.
Because they are listening and there smell detectors. So they're using
this information as blackmail potentially? Is that No, they're
using it to target ads to you.
Like car lube? Yes, or like I'm still yet to see the shame in any of this.
I think it's more we think we have nothing to hide, but we're not actually thinking about all the things they're mining.
I
guess I forget that not everybody is enjoy the show. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Some people are quite private. Yes.
So there's a foundation, the Mozilla foundation, they're all about internet privacy and safety.
And so they've run these tests and they ran 25 car brands. Of course the car companies deny it just like big tech denies that they're collecting any information. via your phone illegally. And they deny it if they're, oh, they're doing it illegally. It would be illegal to do it.
The Black Mirror episode where they're like, I pushed agree, and you didn't read the small print. I just assume when I push agree, I'm like, oh, there goes my, whatever.
Yeah.
for our device, for our phone, for some of these applications we use for free, if you're using a product, a digital product for free, you should expect that you are the product.
so a car, I would expect differently, but
your data is now free. Being sold somehow They
are making hordes of money. There is a whole data broker industry. The
quote
from a spokesperson
for
the Mozilla Foundation said, it's nearly impossible for consumers to really know how all their data is collected.
And to that point, I don't even think. Privacy watchdogs fully comprehend how our data is being mined. You know me, I'm going to bring up the really exciting issues on the podcast.
It's more scary, I think, than exciting, it's good that people know it.
We were talking about this a little while ago, was for a while, a lot of females were using a period tracker app.
Oh yeah. And We were saying it's not free. Yeah, it's never free. Yeah, so get rid of that app and get yourself a little paper calendar and market yourself. And
that was specific to potential legislation in the U. S. Yes. And the people's stance on that. Abortion. Yes.
Then you realize, that's where the data's going.
Maybe in hands. You don't want it to go. I was, I don't
want it to go to these places. I
don't want it to go anywhere, but it is going to happen. And the more that we have smart cars, you think of these the window shield of this, of the car has cameras in it. Now there's cameras in the rear view mirror, right?
Just to help you park. But then of course, what else are they doing? What about Oura rings?
Oh yeah. Because I was going to get one, because I was like, this will help my sleep. You are paying for that. What if it like starts talking to me in the middle of
the night? It won't start talking to you like, Brianna, you actually love Hawaiian pizza.
You do like hot crew. It is Canadian after all. So someone
got their hands on a pitch deck from this Cox Communications, which has apparently active contracts with all of the big tech companies. They claim that they secretly record and transcribe the conversations we have in range of the mics on our speakers, phones, and other devices.
Internet of things devices including by the way your fridge some people have connected fridge anytime you have a smart appliance
I'm
so happy
to be poor right now.
And so if there is a kernel of truth to Cox Communications, like general BS because it's inflated. It's a pitch deck. What they're saying is an idea.
I see. It's a concept. It's, maybe they're doing it, maybe they aren't. But my guess is that they've convinced some of the , smart TV companies or Internet of Things kind of devices that they've convinced them to secretly turn on their mics. and inflated this into we can hear everything everyone says all the time and turn that into a marketer's wet dream.
And
that is illegal. I think so, but I'm not a lawyer, so we'll get a smart, smarty pants on. I feel like it sure sounds good. inappropriate and at least immoral.
And maybe it's not illegal because like you said, Emmett's, is it a thing yet? They've just speculated this would be a plan. Maybe they're doing a little bit of it.
Maybe they're not. It's very vague.
The biggest impact is on personal privacy and obviously like national security, not to be super paranoid, I think that's really important if people can tap in, hack, et cetera. I think that's really tricky on these tech platforms.
They have a lot of power. And as we see hack after hack after hack, all these people's data is going out ,
none of it surprises me. It surprises me that it's illegal and they're still all just like, yeah, we're doing it.
Isn't somebody supposed to step in then if that's not allowed? And you're all like, I'm doing it. Yeah.
I was in the States recently and I saw one of those Waymos. Have you heard about these cars? Waymo. Self driving car. And it's just equipped with cameras on every single corner of it. I think it's going to be, Yeah. For those people who say Oh, self driving cars will never be a thing.
Once you see one on the road, you go, yes, it will.
Self driving cars are absolutely a thing. But as I have long shouted at whoever I will talk to about this, you won't be able to have self driving cars. Yeah. succeed or thrive until it's majority self driving cars.
Yes. Humans are real unpredictable. Absolutely. Yes, we're predictable when you have all of our data. But for the most part driving, I think it would, it's a mess. No. Mess.
But if there was a world in which it was all self driving cars, then we would have fewer accidents.
Traffic wouldn't be a thing. I had a
friend that was in a self driving car. She was taking a video And it was in LA at an event and she's this is crazy. And the first thing she thought was, imagine how many women are going to feel safer. Why tell me more the assaults that happen with Uber and Lyft and cabs.
And I was like, a that's insane that's the first thought about a self driving cars. And that in order to feel safe around a male, you have to remove them. I was like, that's nuts. Yeah. So we created a self driving car so that women can feel safe again.
See, I immediately am like, yeah, but all it takes is one person to hack into the system and reroute the car or lock you in the car.
I'm a doom and gloom. I should write these stories down.
That's a good, that would be a good short story. Yeah. A children's story. Really? So I was like I said, I was out of town. I went to go see a concert. I went to go see Pulp, Jarvis Cocker, Pulp. Did you
know this band or did your husband introduce you to this band?
Oh, Chris introduced me to this band, but they're very famous. They have the song Common People, Babies. Pink Love. A bunch of great songs. If you heard the Common People, you'd go, Oh, I know this band. So we're at the concert. It's amazing. It's like a small venue. There's like maybe 3000 people.
It's so cool. That's a big concert. It was still pretty big, right? But they played forums. They play bigger shows in the UK. And as we're watching the concert, I realized it's harder to see because every single damn person had their phone above their head and they were filming the entire concert. And at first I wanted to hate all of them.
And then I tried to practice, Brianna, what you were talking about, which was let's have some compassion, and I was like, maybe they're filming it for a friend who couldn't come. Who's dying. Who's dying. Yes. Yeah, and they're very sick. You think
that's what all those people are doing
with their phones up?
No, but I tried. I tried really hard to find the good. And then I was like, Who the hell are they filming this concert for? Because I'm not kidding, they must have used up all the data on their phone filming an entire concert. And they were all watching the screen of their concert. Isn't that nuts? Instead of the concert.
Was it Miranda Lambert, yelled at somebody in her audience? Yeah, I think that's right. I think it was like a year ago and she was like, stop filming. Yeah. Enjoy the show. Yeah. Which I, as a millennial. I'm like, yes, put your phone away. Who are you going to send that to?
You're not going to put that all on your fucking Instagram. No one wants to watch a
concert. Also if you guys were to come over and I was like, do you want to watch some clips of the concert I was at? It's like when our parents
used to make us watch like slides from their, trip.
it is a part of concert culture now.
That's what I was going to say. I feel sometimes when I'm at a concert and people are filming, I go yeah, that would be great. Or something would be great on Instagram. That would be great to share in some small way. Never is. You're so right. Never is. Years ago I went to a Silksonic concert, which is Bruno Mars, Anderson Paak, in Vegas, and they take your phones away.
They put them in these little bags that is locked. And you keep it with you. And then when you leave, they'll unlock it or if you have an emergency or whatever. Yeah,
Chris rocks. A lot of stand ups. We'll have that right now. If they're working there, they're touring.
I like that. I do, too, because I genuinely did enjoy the concert more.
And they made a whole joke about it. They sang a song about how they took our phones away. It was great.
I think they're doing us a favor.
I agree. Yeah,
I'm all for it.
I don't want to say you shouldn't take pictures or videos of moments because Amanda Kloots, who she's on the talk, her husband, Nick, passed away from COVID.
She became she
became a thing. I was looking at her yesterday. Yes. Tell me more about her. No, I think there's another woman who got divorced.
Oh, maybe another Kloots. This is Amanda Kloots, whose husband passed away of COVID. And it was very sad because he was very young theater actor.
Yes. Broadway. Yeah. And Nick Cordero. That's it is his name. And they had a three month old when he passed away. It was very sad. Okay.
So there's Anna Clutes. That's her sister. And there's Amanda Clutes. Okay. That makes sense. Thank God, there's two of them.
I was so confused, because I was like, I thought she had a kid, and then this woman's running around Paris, and she's we got a divorce, and I was like, I thought her husband died. Oh, very confusing, yes.
Oh my God, they're a sister! Oh, I got it. I have goosebumps. Oh God, what a relief, eh?
I'm not crazy!
Oh, that statement is not true for me.
So Amanda Kloots was saying, after losing her husband, That she's so glad that she took so many videos and pictures of her husband and that her husband was a theater actor and had there's so much footage of him because she can now show her son videos of dad singing and laughing and dancing and doing all these things.
I don't mean to say don't film the event and don't capture the moments, because I do think we should be doing that, but let's just make sure we're capturing things that someone wants to eventually watch.
If you are at a Beyonce concert and it is just you, you fucking film the shit out of it. I don't care. I feel like this even at my kid's Christmas concert. Don't hold it up. Over your head. Yeah. Blocking the view be aware of others around.
Heightstealers.
That's all I need. Don't look at me. They're height. No, not you. You look at me because I look at you.
Yeah, because I'm six feet tall. No, because a heightstealer
is someone who steals more height than they are allotted yeah. Come on now. So it's someone who. Did you make this up? I just made it up.
Genetic, genetic discrimination. No. Hear me out.
It's someone who takes More height than
they should
What should they what's the what's
Emily if you and I were sitting at a concert? You would be able to hold the camera here in front of your face in front of your Face taking up no less space Because you won a lottery of height Me not even me somebody shorter than me somebody who's five feet tall Two would sit next to you and would have to go like this and I'm saying they shouldn't they should not because the person behind them has gone Okay, so the person in front of me is only five two so I can sit like this and watch it If I was sitting behind you Emily, I'd sit like this So if you took your phone and put it over your left shoulder, I'd be like fuck you bitch I thought we had an agreement You were tall, so I was gonna go to the left.
You don't
get to have it all. And if you want to show people what it looked like when you were at the concert, show them what you saw. Yes. Make it real. Make it real. Bring it to your eye level. You
show that baldy in front of you guffawing and make it part of the experience. Stop pretending like you were in some sort of VIP section.
Calm down. Nobody believes that for a second. Put your damn phone down. Yeah. Anyway.
I love how passionate you guys are about this. I'm just
saying, again, back to our earlier conversation. Social agreements. Yeah. You gotta stick to a social agreement.
I don't want to always have my phone on. I don't want to video everything.
The pressure now, even if you're from a florist to a restaurateur to an actor, your business now, often, is creating content.
Sure. So capturing these moments to create reels and just every time somebody does that, I'm like, Oh, thank you for taking up that space at a data center.
It's so silly. But that's how people find you. I don't want to do this.
So I have two Instagrams, I have a public one and private one, and I post way more on my private one, because I have relationships with the people who follow me on that one.
The public one is anybody can follow me on that. You have
parasocial relationships there. That's right. But I
don't. You can't message me if I don't follow you. I noticed that. Yes.
Which means you don't follow one of my five Instagram accounts. Yeah, I
wonder why. I also get confused when it's like you message me for something.
I'll be like, who's that? Oh, I have
one
that I don't know it and then you change it. I sometimes change the names. That's fun for me. Okay.
I only follow you on one. That's
good.
Good.
I have three sister in laws. I love them so much. They're so funny. The eldest one the most mature of all of us as well.
She, Facebook? And I was like, no. And my parents were like, good for you. And she's no, Yeah, but she has six Instagram accounts.
She's making it for last time. It's legit. She's right.
Right away. She was like, yeah, but yeah, she's go fuck yourself.
Tell the truth. I know. It's like that Victoria backup meme where he's like, tell the truth. That
was a great bit. Come on now. I love that documentary. She's he drove me to Rolls Royce. Yeah. Fine. Fine.
Speaking of Victoria and the soccer player. Beckham.
What's his name? That guy.
David. David Beckham. Was that a joke? No. Oh. I like to, when I say that I forgot a name, I like it to always be the man.
You gotta get it where you can.
That's right. Make our cuts where we can.
I was reading the New York Times. Good
for you.
You were reading. Thank you. I was waiting for the applause.
I was reading on my phone, which I feel doesn't count 'cause I read all the time. Absolutely. I do count, know how to read, but I don't have the attention span for books.
That's my A-D-H-D-I have a disease. And I saw our favorite relationship advice of 2024. So far David and Victoria Beckham have been together for how long? I'm going to say
20 plus years, which is
7000 in celebrity years, right? So it is amazing. And if you've seen that documentary, their relationship is figured out is not without its issues.
It's not without its flaws, he's like, where are you going? She's I'm going to the spa. I'm like, that's me. I don't need to make it sound like I'm doing something important to you. It's important to me. And I think that's a beautiful thing about relationships that do work is going, I'm going to be me in this relationship.
I'm going to love my life. And then we get to do a, just accompany each other. That's it.
I don't need to be you. You don't need to be me. She didn't say, oh, I'm getting groceries, and then I'm running some errands, and then I might try and go to the spa if I can. I don't know. We'll see.
That's alluring. To make it sound Like you're not about to go be indulgent. Yeah, why is
self indulgence so bad? Agree,
agree, yeah.
And it's not bad to us. If either of you were like, I'm in the spot and I'm like, get it. Yes.
We are spa friends, I will say that. But to partners, yeah, we are spa friends. We do, we are spa pigs. I love it so much.
So what did, this article in the New York Times is a collection of advice. It is, the
article was our favorite relationship advice of 2024 so far.
There's not that many. There's five, six. Okay. Number one, learn to give a satisfying apology. What does that look like to
Admitting defeat
or admitting you were wrong, but actually looking someone in the eye, saying it in real time, Whether they accept it or not. And you gotta really mean it.
Yeah, I feel like if you don't mean it, don't do it. Or, a solid
blowjob.
Oh, no. No.
Come on
now. Just fake an apology. I'd rather that than fake a blowjob. Okay. You
can't fake a blowjob, but I'm curious. I think you can. We're spiraling. I think
you can. I think you fake, as in the, I think you can fake a blowjob the way you fake an apology, which is like you do it, but your heart's not in it.
Am I wrong? Okay. This is the steps that they give. First, say I apologize or I'm sorry using I statement. Strengthens your apology. Second, explain why you're sorry. Being specific about what you've done can make the other person feel understood.
Third, acknowledge any harm you've caused. Fourth, vow not to do it again. That's dumb. That's
a hard
one. Fifth offer to repair. It's
a
vow that I'm
never going to do something
again. I thought I'm leaving. Also,
that's when it goes right out the window from being authentic to being empty promises.
Do it again.
I'm never going to do it. Never having
it. I'm never going to do that again. I almost said what I was going to never do, but I'm not saying that offer
to repair the situation. Finally, let the person know that you desire their forgiveness. Okay. So I don't agree with the last few. I don't think I need somebody's forgiveness.
That feels like that's why I'm apologizing. An apology is, for me, is to go, I want you to know I fucked up. I want you to know I fucked up. Yeah. It's your choice whether you forgive me. Agreed. I don't need. from me.
No, but I think owning it. Yeah. You own it. You acknowledge the wrong you've done.
Yeah. And why it's wrong also. Of just going I shouldn't have done that. The reason I did it was this. Yeah. And that's not a good enough reason.
Yeah. And you can do a little introspection and being like, that's my shit to work out. Maybe if all of these steps were like stretched out over years, I don't think I'd sit down and I'd be like, I vow not to do this ever again.
I would enjoy your forgiveness at this moment. Do you know what I mean? I'm sure all of these things are actually true, but I don't need them in the moment that I'm apologizing.
No.
Okay. So that's the apology. Okay. Number two, embrace those awkward sex talks. I don't have awkward sex talks. That doesn't
surprise me at all.
It doesn't surprise me at
all. Are you enjoying the blowjob or what? Are we done? Yeah. Can I be done? Okay.
I think it was
some couples find the prospect of having a frank conversation about sex so uncomfortable.
So it's, it is surprising to me now. I think that we as women through our conversations are pretty open about our sex lives. And I wonder if I just assume all women are like that
assumption.
Yeah. So I guess that surprised me because I'm pretty open. I do say that I talk about sex probably more with my girlfriends than I do my husband.
A hundred percent. Absolutely. I talk about it more on this podcast with Cait
and I think I talk about it way more than my husband talks about it to his friends.
Yes, that's also a surprising thing.
When women do it, I feel like for the most part, we're just trying to figure things out and men do it. It is a source of ego and, trophy.
Yeah, I don't see my husband talking to his guy friends being like, how do I just wants to have sex? Yeah, I don't know how to
do you guys know how to make a girl come?
I can't quite. I don't see that. No, I don't see that weirdly. Whereas we will say things like, okay,
So do you, where does the foreskin go? Do you hold the
balls and? Mom, this podcast is for you. Your mom sat in on a podcast recording and she would, oh yeah, she would eat this up. Oh yeah, she's fine.
She'd be cool. She's no dummy. Yeah. Okay, so going back to the awkward sex conversation with your partner. Yeah.
What is the advice they give? It's Any? Or they're just like, P. S. have the awkward conversation? One simple
mindset shift that can help is to be, is to anticipate A glass of wine.
A bottle of wine.
Is to anticipate that talking about sex will be awkward, particularly at first, and particularly if you or your partner are reluctant. Duh. That's it. Anything
helpful here?
Okay, ready? I'm ready. You might want to write a draft of some questions. , stop it. Nothing sexier than a draft or even a script ahead of time.
Do you know that will make it so much more awkward. Do we So can offer
scaffolding.
Oh, I just got sweaty, wrote this. I just
got sweaty thinking, having to write a script to my husband.
I wanna be hired
for that script sesh,
I do some ghost writing sometimes. Like I will write Yes. Or I'll do punch up on scripts, like I'll add
comedy to scripts. Yeah. I have several people in my life who reach out to me on a weekly or bi weekly basis to draft replies.
To various email and text quandaries. Yes.
I do send things if I, if it's serious. Nature, I will send a draft to a co worker or a friend. Yeah. Send it to myself. So let's start
sending our drafts To each other. To each other about our sex lives. I'm in. Anyway. Number four.
Number three. Do not recommend.
Inject some playfulness into financial conversations. Emily, I feel like you would love that. Hi, I love your outfit. We need to pay the credit card bill.
Wow. She's the one who sent me the real of the woman. It was like point of view. You're the woman who always needs to be best friends with the waitress.
The most
annoying woman, that's me. Right away I'll go, how, and how are you Amy? Oh my god, I saw that. I love that name. I would do it too. I would absolutely do that
too. Oh
yeah, this one. Oh, this It is. I have no game. And so I overcompensate by being like, you friendly, are
you probably, yeah. I'm gonna be no problem for you.
How are you? In the meantime, she's I'm good. They're like, fuck, gimme a water. Just seven tables. Yeah. The other day I ate, I
ate an oyster off a stranger's plate. I was, I became friends with, we were sitting at the bar.
Oh
God, it was
so embarrassing. I've done that before though.
At the bar is a different social expectation.
But I literally, it's like I took in a third on our dinner date. I backed my chair up so that the three of us could all talk. With your husband? With my husband and then some random stranger. And he's oh these are great. And I was like, don't mind if I do. Good for you.
Oh my God. We need more of that.
We need more of that in the city. I agree with the including of people, but also I shouldn't have
eaten the oyster.
What if it was the bad one that he didn't eat because he went, Oh, that smells bad. That one's not good.
More often than not that I make friends I've eaten off many strangers plates.
Many. And they're mine. Especially when you're at a good restaurant. Like I went to Bar Bravo. Love that place. Like with my husband. And we made friends with a couple next to us. They were really fun. And they were like, What's good? What's good? Oh, I haven't tried that. Oh, I haven't tried that.
Try it. Lots of that going on. Oh,
that's cool. I do like that. I think that's cool. That's really charming. So you're saying inject playfulness.
Inject some of that into financial conversations. I hate talking about finances. That's dumb. I hate it too.
There was a question of the day at the gym at one point and one of the questions Was like, how do you budget or where does your money go?
And one woman said I'm a millennial so I don't know how to budget and I was like Oh, is that a thing? Cuz I
don't
like I know I have a degree in finance,
Paycheck comes, buy groceries, pay rent.
Sometimes when I'm at the payment processor and I'm putting the credit card down or putting the debit card down, I still am like, is it going to be declined to this day?
Do you see this day? And I know there's money in the account and I know that my limit is more than a thousand dollars. So whatever, it's fine. Yeah, but it's still, every time I tap, there's a little bit of, I'm embarrassed. Shame. Yeah. A hundred percent. If,
I don't have financial issues now, but if something is wrong with the card or for some reason you didn't tap it properly, I can feel my body go to that exact point.
It is such a cellular fear there, right?
Okay, I have an instance of having some fun with finances, which is that Chris and I will often talk about if I die, what do you get? Do you guys have a will?
Yeah, and we also have life insurance so we'll sometimes play the game of okay, we'll trip
Chris once in a
while. No, you got to wait three more years. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. We're kidding. It's a joke. Chris Stern joke. Chris Stern Joe doesn't listen to this. He doesn't even know I do this.
Good. He thinks I'm at the gym. He's wondering why the results aren't happening. Yeah, no, but we play the game of okay, if I die, what do you get? And what are you going to do with it?
Oh.
Do you have the same amount of life insurance?
Nope. No same in my house. No, so if Chris goes, Yeah. first, I'll be better off. You'll be fine. Yeah. But if I go first, Chris will need to get a job, a part time job because it's like, Ooh, it's not going to be enough to help in any way. And also, it's good to know. We're like, so we joke about it also.
Yeah. And I say, and I are in it for the long run. And we can joke about those things, but then I also will say I don't want to talk about this anymore. Cause in that situation you're not alive. So I don't, yeah, that's fair. I don't want to talk about it. Yeah.
Oh, but I think it's fun to talk about.
I think adding levity to that. It is. Yes. And like estate planning, wills, death. I do think we've got to have some levity in life. Yes. It's coming for all of us. Yeah,
it's
true. Yeah. We talk about who's going to
get
the
dog. Okay. I don't think it's going to happen that soon.
But what if,
what if we get why don't you shut up? Like the Wayne's, like Bruce Wayne's parents. Okay. Wow. I'll take Murphy. No, she's not going to you.
What the fuck? She's going to my mom. Oh, that's better. That was such a like quick.
Cause we've already decided. Okay.
That's fine.
I thought you went to turn off her microphone. It wouldn't be the first time she tried. Okay. Jose and I actually, we think that we are, and I know these are not conversations you, Emily, love. We are master do you mean I don't
love those? Oh, I
think, I always think that you're my least woo woo friend.
She's your least woo woo friend. I'm pretty un woo.
Well. No, No, we've done lots of like, let's journal.
We never did though. We just ate tomato sandwiches. That's true.
And had a beer.
I'm a very woo, I'm, I feel like I love talking about this stuff.
I love astrology. I love anything. Oh, we should.
That's a, we need a whole other podcast on that this, Jose and I used to do this all the time. So when we first moved to Vancouver, we were. Broke. We were tens, 50, 60, 000 in debt. We made 300 a week.
We were putting our rent on our credit card and every once in a while we would just look at each other going we're fucked. What do we do? Our parents had no money to bail us out. We weren't making any income and we were so far in debt. And so what we would do is we would go to the Hotel Georgia.
We would charge 20, get two cocktails and get those little nuts they give you. And then we talk about all the things that we were going to do when we were rich. And it was so fun. And then we'd get a lottery ticket and we just like dream about all the things that we would do when we were rich.
So like your conversations, but we do the opposite of this. And then we'll give this our favorite song. That we always said was our song was you and I, it's very cute. It's don't you worry. They're my honey. Let's get rich and buy our parents a home in the south of France.
Ingrid Michaelson. Yes, that's it. Yes. Look it up. It's a beautiful song this says a couple times a year, she and her husband buy a lottery ticket, go on a date and spend their time fantasizing about what they would do with their millions. That kind of daydreaming can help reconnect you with your dreams and values.
I really do think it's a huge mistake to only talk about scarcity. where we should cut, where we should budget. You can learn so much from having those conversations about positive playfulness. Yeah, I actually have experienced that.
And I do feel like even though we're in a different financial situation now, our talks about money are about what we should be doing with it. Because we don't own a home. We don't have a mortgage. That's an impossibility for us right now in Vancouver. but we do make good money. So where should we put it?
And it's about investing. And we don't really know how to do that, so we're trying to teach ourselves how to do that.
So I guess I agree with the conversation of money is tricky because there's baggage that comes with, everybody has come from different spaces. Backgrounds financially and have different relationships with money. Anyway, yeah, I like the idea of bringing a little. levity. I
would be more inclined to do that, but I don't think my partner would. I think he's so practical and I'm the one who's a little bit more of a dreamer, but he's the one who's like, okay, well we just lost 7 buying a lottery ticket.
And
I'm like, oh, but
honey, but he doesn't play. What if I think I would play? What if more?
Yeah, I'll play. What if with you? Okay. Lottery tickets.
Love it. I would love that. Love it.
Okay. Number four to strengthen your bond read To strengthen your bond Read aloud to each other
Be
like Chris reads aloud to me
well, listen,
the only time Jose and I have done that was when we started dating and we lived in Toronto. I would go to Edmonton to do a show. He would fly out to see me. And then we would drive from Edmonton to Regina to visit my folks. And he would get Cosmopolitan magazine.
And he would read me articles from the Cosmo magazine. the, what would you do? The good, yes, no, maybe. That's it. That's what we did. And we'd laugh and laugh. He and I read very different things. As I mentioned, I will read the internet. I'll be like, so Dorinda went up against Sonja Morgan.
That's what I'd be reading aloud. If I was to do something that was similar to that we do share a lot of funny memes.
A lot. That's good bonding. I guess
that's the, that's our version of it. Yeah. So what do you guys read to each other?
Don't. Oh my god, you can't even handle it.
You can't even cringe. I know, I'm just picturing
you.
This, I brought this book it's called Sex with Presidents. it's dishy and adorable and all about Oh, so it's sex in the White House and all the sex scandals. Ooh, that's fun. Yeah, so generally, reading aloud to each other, my partner would absolutely read me complex coding books, but it's more, Giving someone your undivided attention. I think it's more the act of purposeful time
spent together. This says through the act of reading, Marianne Wolfe, a researcher and scholar at UCLA, said, we are transmitting emotions. We are transmitting affection. Reading aloud is a profound way to connect with somebody.
You're offering yourself. I love that.
I just think about the impact on children and reading aloud to children and children reading aloud to you. I think it's just such a, it is a gift. It's a compliment. It is generous, like you can't do anything else. You're sitting there beside each other or something.
I don't know. It's very, to me, very intimate. I
love, the way you talk about it, I wish I liked it, but honestly, my brain, My attention span is so little that it will start to glaze over. That's okay. I think
that's okay I think it's about being together. Okay, so you come over and we'll cuddle on in the couch Oh my god, and I'll play with your hair and I'll read to you.
Oh my god, salt Yeah, play
with my hair. I don't even, you could read the phone book to me I think it's about
different forms of intimacy. That seems like a really intimate thing. I like the word transmitting. You could read stories
Yeah, you could read little porns, little porn stories, but I like the idea of the transmitting of ideas Transcribed That's what stood out to me.
So sometimes Chris will read a part from a book that he has found fascinating. And he'll go, can I read this to you? And I'm like, yes, of course. So it's not him always saying, Hey, I heard this cool thing, but he's in that moment having an experience, it's resonating with him, and it helps him further understand this big idea that he'll say it to me.
I can then ask him questions about it, and he'll say, I don't know, I'm just reading this, it's interesting, or he does have answers to it. It's a little mini conversation that's not about us, our home, our jobs, it's about something else in that moment.
When I pictured reading, I pictured somebody opening sense and sensibility and just somebody snuggled up and just there was like an infantilization to it.
All right. It's the last number five. Two more.
If your partner is ignoring a health issue, collaborate on a solution. Yeah, if they're sick, help them. But it's, you'd be surprised though.
Really? It is, when there are, health stuff. I am a mild hypochondriac. I have a very mild. Yeah, I have a very good relationship with all 12 of my doctors. All of I swear to God, like four of them have gone. You here's you can just text me. Yeah. Yeah. You've
also had to have three root canals in a year.
That's
true. I have had enough health problems that I really think my relationships with my doctors are sacred. They're not. That's what I feel like they are. I'm so grateful for my universal health care and I respect it. I try not to overuse it, and every time I go to the doctor, I'm like, sorry. Anyway but my husband is not like that.
I'm like, you should go to the doctor. He's no. No, it's fine. And it gives me anxiety because I'm just projecting onto him.
So mine my partner will clearly have an issue. And if I say anything, he will do the opposite. He will fully reject the care and reject the idea.
If you make soup, he's like, I don't want it. I can't eat.
Yeah. That's hard
because also, if you choose to be in a long term partnership, it is a contract you're breaching contract by not taking care of yourself because I am financially, physically, mentally invested in You
but here's the other thing about lifelong contracts they're bullshit no smart business person would ever enter into a lifelong agreement they should be renegotiated all the time exactly anyway we're getting off topic okay
are we well that's it
there is no the
final one To stop squabbling over household clutter, focus on function.
goal in getting organized is to make your home work for you. It's not about rainbow bookshelves or making things look perfect. It's about getting control of clutter so that you can cook in your kitchen or actually use your garage. I understand that. I, do you guys have major arguments about cleanliness?
I think they're, I think that's an
oversimplification of household and like emotional labor. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's a big That's a great point. That's a whole book. Yes. They're like, meh, make it about function.
It sounds like they're going Lady, calm down. Yeah, I don't love one. I think you're right, I think you're right.
I do agree with triangulating a problem. It's not about you not picking up X or me forgetting to do Y. It's about Our house will stink less if the garbage goes out, at the end of each day. Or whatever, I'm making something up. Yeah. It's less about you didn't take this out.
It's, this doesn't work as well if you and I aren't doing
So it's not your fault, it's not my fault, but together we both have this issue now. In general, you can try it. She's probably a little passive aggressive going, Did
we take out the recycling today? Okay,
that's very That is passive aggressive. Did we?
That's very passive aggressive. Yep, it is. But if you look up and do some research around triangulating and issues, What's that? It's very diffusing. It no longer makes it about you and me, it makes it about this third thing. It needs to get done. And We can approach this thing together. It's very direct.
It's not, it doesn't have to be passive, but triangulating an issue can be very helpful in diffusing conflict.
When it comes to household chores, for the most part, I feel like we're pretty good about splitting it. We both do dishes. We both do laundry. We have a cleaner that comes every three weeks, and it is our job to keep things clean and tidy until then.
Now, Jose has a very different version of Tidy. And he likes stacks of things everywhere. Oh, God. Stacks. For the most part, quite tidy. But in order for him to remember, I need to pay this bill, he will stack it somewhere.
No.
Somewhere where it can be seen. And I like everything to be away. I don't need everything.
I'm not organized. You open a cupboard, you're going to fucking close that real fast because you're going to, Oh God, I'm going to die under this avalanche. Because that's what my house is like. It's you put it away. To me, it's not messy. I know it's messy, but it doesn't bother me.
It bothers me to have things out everywhere. I like to walk into my house and go, Oh, this is a nice tidy house. It brings me calm. And that's what it gets into. Like the cleanliness stuff, Jose makes him feel calm. to have reminders around the house of things he needs to do. For me, it makes me feel calm to go, now I can, maybe it's because I work at home.
Yeah. Now I can work. Otherwise, I'm just tidying all the time.
My partner, so we have like a fucking medicine cabinet. Yeah. When he's sick, he wants to leave all of the medicine on the counter.
Oh God, this is underneath
the counter so he can see it and remember. So
because he is gonna use it in 20 hours, fucking
put it like small stuff.
That drives me
crazy.
Yeah. Yeah. We got back from LA a few days ago. There's still two open suitcases in the middle of the living room. Oh boy. And are you having
a standoff
Oh, you're like, oh boy. Like watch. Yeah. It also gets to the point where it's like, ah, I don't need to unpack your suitcase.
No. But also could you unpack mine?
Because it's a shared space. I say that to Valentina all the time she hangs out in her room but she also loves to come and sit on the couch with a blanket and all of her books on the coffee table and I always say to her, this is a shared space.
Yeah.
You 📍 can do that in your room, but not in the living room.
Then you're also not going to get to the point where you're like arguing with her about her room all the time. Yeah. Yeah. It's her space. No, her room is
like another, there's another podcast topic.
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It's my pleasure.
Anytime. Anytime. Really? Anytime. Every time. Oh, every time.
If someone could teach me how to post a story on Instagram before we go, that would be really helpful.