Join us for a conversation with Ian, who has grappled with identity, faith, and approval-seeking. Ian shares his journey from childhood confidence in church to adolescent struggles with rejection, bullying, guilt, and addiction. He discusses the turning points, including rediscovering faith and embracing his true identity in God. In the latter part, he breaks free from the need for approval, finding freedom and truth in his life. Ian's story is a testament to the power of the gospel. Join us for his inspiring journey.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - From Religion to Freedom
5:29 - Early Life and Struggles With Shame
14:18 - Struggles With Sexuality and Addiction
19:25 - Impact of Pornography, Finding New Vision
22:57 - Transformation and Pursuit of Purpose
29:31 - Struggles With Identity and Burnout
42:44 - Struggles in Relationships and Ministry
48:33 - Struggles With Burnout and Identity
1:03:07 - Belief and Invitations to Winter Camp
1:10:22 - Freedom and Identity Through Connection and Listening
1:20:17 - Embracing God's Unconditional Love and Rest
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Join us for a conversation with Ian, who has grappled with identity, faith, and approval-seeking. Ian shares his journey from childhood confidence in church to adolescent struggles with rejection, bullying, guilt, and addiction. He discusses the turning points, including rediscovering faith and embracing his true identity in God. In the latter part, he breaks free from the need for approval, finding freedom and truth in his life. Ian's story is a testament to the power of the gospel. Join us for his inspiring journey.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - From Religion to Freedom
5:29 - Early Life and Struggles With Shame
14:18 - Struggles With Sexuality and Addiction
19:25 - Impact of Pornography, Finding New Vision
22:57 - Transformation and Pursuit of Purpose
29:31 - Struggles With Identity and Burnout
42:44 - Struggles in Relationships and Ministry
48:33 - Struggles With Burnout and Identity
1:03:07 - Belief and Invitations to Winter Camp
1:10:22 - Freedom and Identity Through Connection and Listening
1:20:17 - Embracing God's Unconditional Love and Rest
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 3:What was meant to be for healing, I ended up treating as I'm gonna fix myself, I'm gonna get out of this, I'm going to earn my way out of this, and so, predictably, what ends up happening? I'm still at the place where I've been, and so it's the same thing I perform, I get burnout, I'm depressed and by the end of the first semester, dude, I'm on the verge of checking myself into a month-long therapy program, because that's how low and dark things are.
Speaker 2:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my brother, ian, and this story is about a man trying to get himself reconciled with God by working hard and then achieving, and then falling, and then achieving, and then working hard, then trying, and then depression sets in, and if you've ever been in the hamster wheel of religion, you know exactly what that is. But there's gonna be some great news in this podcast, and it is life. And so if you've ever been in that rat race, trying real hard and not succeeding, getting a little success and then letting that get to your head and then just going over and over and over again, this is gonna be a blessing to you. So this is Ian. I love y'all, appreciate y'all. Let's buckle up and strap in. Yeah, man, let's start with this. Where does your story start when it comes to spiritual life, man? Where do you start your story?
Speaker 3:Yeah, man, we have a few directions to go. I made this whole timeline. I was four years old the first time I went on a stage, to my memory, and I had asked my parents. We went to the super conservative Spanish church my parents had actually helped plan it and, dude, I had asked them if I could sing this song for a prayer meeting or something. It was like the news boys. I forgot he reigned it was and it was the. I just wanted to sing this song and so I got up on stage and I actually it's one of my first vivid memories I'm like four years old. That desire to share, to be on stage, that was there from a really early age, even before all the complications of later life came on. So that's where that was. One of the first places where it starts for me Was this again serving in church, wanting to share With that. Another one of those really early formative things was like I remember there. Yeah, there's three really formative things. Another thing was I remember being six years old. I was home school for most of my life until eighth grade, but I went to school for a semester and I remember being six years old and, dude, I got vivid memories. This goes back. It's embarrassing, but I remember kissing this girl on the cheek right and I still remember that so clearly because it was like that desire for a relationship or that awareness of the opposite sex or whatever came super early for me. And it's not that anything bad or traumatic had happened, it was just one of those things that was just really a really deep desire and so that started super young, literally six years old, first grade. And that other really formative thing early on was being exposed like around ten years old or less, because we actually moved churches to the Arlington Church and at the Arlington Church, man, they were starting up this young adult ministry called Younger Generation Church and man, that just opened my eyes. They were. It was like what it was early 2000s. So, man, they're bumping with Chris Toblin and the early Hillsong stuff and they got the lights and the smoke machine. And ten-year-old me was like this is all I want to do in my life. I want to play guitar like the Lincoln Brewsters, everlasting God like the solo bro. That's, that's what I wanted in life and I unlike, I think, a lot of people that kind of grew up with, at least a lot of people that I've talked to, where church is really restrictive. For me, church is actually like the place I wanted to be. It was a place of creativity, it was a place of openness and yeah, man, I would drag my Sabbath school buddies to the front row of the young adult service and then we would leave, like after the music or whatever. But yeah, so that that was a lot of like my early life. I would say it was a lot of. It was mostly good, like music, sports. I was a pretty confident kid for first 10 years or so.
Speaker 2:That's super cool. The church was not a bad thing that it was. You were getting a lot of life and energy from it. Sometimes it doesn't start like that, and so you're from Texas. You grew up in Texas.
Speaker 3:Yeah, man, I grew up in Dallas area, mostly in Arlington, if people know that in between Dallas or Worth.
Speaker 2:What's your heritage background?
Speaker 3:I'm Puerto Rican and Mexican.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, puerto Rican, moss Mexican.
Speaker 2:You wanted, did you end up getting into music?
Speaker 3:I did, I did. I started pretty early. Yeah, I got a chance to plug in. They have a youth ministry and so I started learning piano, started learning guitar, starting leading worship. We did a little three piece and me literally, with my voice cracking, would just get up there and leave worship with our little three piece band. Man, that was like starting at like 11 years old, 12 years old and even before that man, we'd do Friday night concerts. My brother and I would set up lights and make it like a little jazz club. We're like 10 and seven years old or around there, and we would do this little concerts for our family. So, yeah, man, that music was music, like performing. That was a big thing.
Speaker 2:So who was God?
Speaker 3:God for me, man, especially in these early years, was really positive God. I experienced God through music. God was just there were rules, right, and there were rules that that that I knew I needed to follow and that's going to have a big role in the next chapter, but for the most part I felt like I was doing well. So God was like a really positive figure that loved me and that I don't know how much I was like deeply connected with him or whatever, but I knew he was there and, yeah, I guess he was the one that made all this possible, this good stuff possible.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you said the rules had a big part to play in the next chapter. What do you mean?
Speaker 3:Yeah, man. So the next chapter. So, like I said, like I was really confident kid through like fifth grade, I was homeschooled, I'd see my friends once a week and it was good. And the next chapter, though, I started going to an academy, and that's where a lot of my death story starts. Yeah, started going to this just for sixth grade, again one semester. I was mostly homeschooled, but my experience there was just being bullied, being rejected. I was like in honestly, I get why I was really different. I'm mostly only around adults and coming in with the kids. I didn't know a lot of this stuff they were talking about. A lot of the shady jokes went over my head. I didn't know what's happening. Sweet, yeah, man. And I was still trying to be that. I was used to being liked, I was used to being accepted, and definitely that was my experience at church. And that's when I started experience rejection and a lot of my friends that were getting into that whole trying to ask our girls are doing this thing early. Now that I think back and I was like man, I'm so behind or this is not happening for me. They seem to be like their game is super strong or whatever, and for me, it was just one rejection after another and pretty soon. I just was not adjusting well, and that's around the time and when I think about it, I'm like man, that was the perfect setup. I was feeling rejected. I will go really into detail, but my mom was going through some difficult stuff and that's part of the reason why she had to take a break from all schooling and put me in school for a little bit. And that's when I got exposed to the porn. Yeah, man, I got exposed to it pretty much on accident, but very soon. That's when the lies and deceit start, where I'm just like sneaking. We have a family computer, whatever, and I'm just starting to sneak, I'm starting to lie to my parents. That's when that I knew it was wrong. Again, I had a pretty clear sense that okay, this was wrong, this is not something I'm supposed to be doing. But that's when that whole cycle started.
Speaker 2:It's 11 years old. Yeah, man. Yeah, man, we're not meant to deal with that kind of yeah, yeah, yeah, it's sad. So how did you feel about yourself?
Speaker 3:Oh man, very, you know, after that first, like first, excitement wore off. It's a primary feeling of my life, for the next five years at least, was guilt and shame. It was just constant cycle of we've been joining in a wave, one or whatever. So we just talked about Roman seven yesterday with I do what I don't want to do. That really became even at that early age. That was my experience and it was really intense. My conscious has always been very sensitive and it was. It just felt like such death Cause I kept doing things that I knew I wasn't supposed to do and that got it. That only got worse. I went back to homeschooling but for some reason it ended up that I ended like around 12. I was spending a lot of time home alone and that made things easier to have secrets, all that stuff and that kind of continued. Yeah, that kind of continued. I don't know if you want me to go to the next part or kind of pause there.
Speaker 2:No, man, I mean guilt, condemnation, shame and that one and seven. That can be a real experience. Did you? You didn't know scripture like that right? You were just like God doesn't like me, or I don't even like myself.
Speaker 3:Yeah, prettier. I definitely didn't like myself man, because I just, yeah, again, like from a very early age it was about like comparison and that's what a lot of people go through. But I really felt that really deeply. I had my unibrow was coming in and I had a thick mustache and my mom didn't let me shave it. My voice was cracked. She didn't let you shave it. No, I'm sorry, mom, why.
Speaker 2:She wanted. What did she want you to be?
Speaker 3:I don't know. I don't know if she just didn't want to start growing too fast or I don't know what the thinking was, but yeah, so it was just like that, again wanting to be that cool music kid or whatever. But then having this experience and just having this whole double minded kind of life, and that continued. Man, because we moved to California and, with my dad's job, moved to California, jumped in an academy and now the and this is just the really the I'm actually really passionate about talking about this topic of sexuality and things like that, cause for two years my brain is being formed with these ideas of what love is, sexuality is, and when. Really, a lot of my friends and I were in the same place and, except they, they were just a little bit cooler in middle school. So you know, I there were just things that I couldn't do cause they were just cooler. But then when I moved to California eighth grade they're going to an academy I started trying to imitate those kinds of things. So I started trying to like, in the first week, I get into a quote unquote relationship and I'm just looking for that validation and it's really validation through relationships and into performance, cause I then that's what I do right away. Right away I jump in with this girl and then I jump in with playing guitar and playing sports and they let me be on the high school like football team that's a big thing in SoCal and so constantly trying to be with a girl and start getting me called into the principal's office or whatever, and that kind of started messing up by reputation really early on. When you're in such a small space you have just the, the seat, the lies, the shame going on. So I started cleaning that up a little bit, especially after that first semester, cause I realized this is making me very unpopular and so I started to adjust a little bit. And so I started becoming really cool with all my teachers and I'm performing, I'm playing on the praise band, I'm doing sports, I'm doing the whole thing. But on the other side of it again this thing, this problem, this monster, is only getting worse and with again, with porn, with in this leading to other things, and the guilt gets, starts getting so bad, the shame starts getting so bad that I start having these nightmares then and it's like these, it's like I'm half awake, like I don't know if it's called the lucid dream or whatever, like I'm half awake, I can't move. It feels like I'm getting held down by like a dark force, and this starts like not just happening once in a while, starts happening like all the time, and I still remember it. I would in those moments I would call out to Jesus, call out to Jesus, call out to Jesus. And then I'd be like yo, I'm sorry I won't do this again, the whole thing. But then it just repeat the cycle and just keep going. So I'll one sense I'm trying to project this thing out to my teachers, to my parents, to my church. But there's a whole other side of self-hatred, of fearing, like really fearing what if God comes back? Salvation is on my mind a lot as far as, yeah, like this is, I know I'm doing what I'm not supposed to be doing, I can't get out of this and it's just getting deeper and deeper into that whole stress. Man Stress was the definitive experience because, yeah, just the stress of having to keep up two lives and, as I thought back, I think later on I've minimized this experience. But I think people go through this in different ages, especially now that I've heard so many stories through this podcast, and for me all this was happening at an early age, but, man, it was so real and it was so deep and I've always been very in my head, very introspective, in terms of a lot of thoughts and yeah, man, it was a living hell inside my mind and I'm trying to keep it together and trying to have this image of stuff.
Speaker 2:What was the plan, man? What was? How are you going to end up getting out of this? Did you know or did you think there was hope, or was it?
Speaker 3:Dude. I think, man, I think I always thought eventually and now it's so silly thinking about it eventually it'll be fine, like when I get married. I'm sure, when I'm thinking about like what 13, 14, 15, it's like eventually it's going to be better, it's going to get better eventually Again when I'm married, then that whole sex problem is not a problem anymore and it'll be fine. I think that was the thought.
Speaker 2:I remember being in the dorm when I was a dean and I would explain to these guys I'm like, getting married doesn't stop a pornography addiction. And I'm like, and if you're addicted to pornography, having sex will make your addiction probably worse. And they were just like whoa, because they thought the problem was that they weren't having sex. So they, they. But and we, my buddy's, my age we knew that getting married did not solve any of those problems. And yeah, it's, it's. I don't know if to say sad but true, that it's just true. Because if it's sad but true that your wife doesn't come in and now she's a replacement for pornography, oh praise the Lord, Now your wife. That sounds really weird. That sounds like that. God created a woman so that you could be sexually gratified, which is idolatry, and it's just a whole lot of trash in that. But I guess that's how we used to think, or maybe we just had to because there was no hope in any other way.
Speaker 3:Bro, and that's the sad part, because the sad part is that, looking back, there was little talk about the right vision of sex, other than wait till you get married, then it'll be good. And there was so little talk about it that it's just so sad to think my real education of sexuality came through this, came through the evil, through objectification, through violence that is depicted, and yo, no wonder I was believing those lies, no wonder I'm believing all the lies of all. Sex is a need. Oh, this is just something that I need, that I have to have. And it's thinking back, is just yo, at that early of an age, that's what was consuming my mind and that's just. It makes me now. It just makes me sad.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure, man. What happened next? You're on this journey, you're trying to figure it out. You're an Academy.
Speaker 3:I got. I get a phone call. And I get a phone call from this guy. He's a new youth pastor at our church and and he wants some help to start up ministry, and ministry is what I do. So you know, like I, I'm like, okay, I'm in, and he asked me for help to get the thing started, especially with music and and yo I really his name is Garrett Spire Garrett. If you ever hear this man, thank you. Yeah, when I started seeing Garrett man, just something awoke. There was a different vision for life. I started an immersion because I saw his life and broke. He was it's hard to describe, but then he was so alive. Yeah, he was the one talking to us about God and all this stuff, but man he was, he was crazy, he was a surfer, he did we would do all these. I still remember him doing gainers in the pool or whatever. One time he saved my life because I tried to do it and almost killed myself doing it, but anyway, there was just. His life was what I wanted and and what I started aspiring to be, because he was. He was just so real, there was just. He was so genuine and and he took interest in us and he gave us opportunities to lead and and all this stuff. And I think that's when a lot of my vision and kind of desire to change started, because I thought I wanted to, I thought I was it was about Garrett, but it really was Jesus and Garrett, I think that it was just. It was giving me a whole different vision for feet Cause, remember, I'm really I'm now thinking, but I'm really relating to God based on the law If I do good, I'm in. If I don't do good, man, I'm cast out. And man, I'm in a really cast out state because every single day I'm going between I'm in when I do, when I'm worshiping, but then I'm back out at night when I'm doing my bad habit. So it's just like this constant shifting, constant stress. But, man, this is when that desire to change really started coming in, because I knew my shame and I was such a, I was so insecure, I was trying to project this image, but I knew inside how insecure I was and I wanted to be like this guy. And so my freshman and my sophomore year I spent so much time with him and we do ministry together and all this stuff, and that's when things start to change, just somewhat by willpower, somewhat by seeing that kind of example, and that's that, yeah, that's what I started slowing down a little bit. When it comes just a little bit when it comes to chasing girls around, I started slowing down with, like, my trajectory of going deeper and deeper into this stuff. It's still there, but now it's, it's really now it's I really want to change and so I really feel bad, but I'm really trying to change and so that's what started giving me that vision of a different kind of life. So that kind of continues all the way till I moved back to Texas right before I turned 16, moved back to pretty much where I was from and I was going to go to a new school, and that summer I went to live at my aunt's and then I had just the nature of my on and uncle's schedule. It was another time where I was home alone a lot and I knew in that time, in that moment again, I'm thinking about all this at the age, but it really was my experience and I knew that I was going to go one way or another. Like now, if I really wanted to, I could do whatever I wanted, but I didn't want to anymore, and that's where I remember I was listening to a Francis Chan sermon and I just knelt down home alone on my aunt's floor and I didn't understand exactly what was happening. But that's when that was like my moment of surrender and it was just like I don't want to do this anymore. And that's actually it's really crazy, because I had tried to change so many times, but it wasn't until that moment that I started getting the power to change. And that summer, man, it was like I just started experiencing it. And, as probably a lot of people can relate, when you're first changing I know that's for some people God just removes the desire right away. Man, that wasn't for me. That desire was strong, it had been formed for years and then had such an early age. But, man, even though feeling like all of those symptoms of withdrawal, god would just give me the strength, and that's what I started experiencing. And so when I went to this new high school, man, that's when God led me and just put somebody in my life it's named Coach Proctor and I actually was going to a non-denominational high school and when I was there, man, that he's really the one that started to show me how I could be practically to detox from all the trap and just really practical stuff. And what I didn't know that I didn't realize later because there's about to be another turn, but what I didn't know is that he really he's the first one man that actually showed me like Roman six, and he would tell me like to read this, and then he told me to read Romans, ephesians, galatians, and as my Colossians that's myself, who am I and who is God and I did it. I think I forgot so well about that, but that was like the identity piece. I didn't realize that at the time, but that's really what started to create that change and even though I still felt a lot of guilt, I didn't really get all of that identity stuff in that moment. But there was something different and I started experiencing that transformation. The one thing I knew is, once I started feeling freedom from all of this weight, once I started coming clean, once one of the things he asked me to do was like tell my dad well, that was terrifying. I love my dad, but it was so scary to share all this stuff. But, man, once he started doing that or leading me in that place, man, there was just something so different. There was a peace and all I do is that for the rest of my life I wanted to share this with people and that's what defined that. Next season for me was like my senior year. Dude, I hate math and I did not take a math class. My senior year and I barely focused on school. My senior year I literally planned. I was just out here trying to share this and we planned a whole like conference. We called it the authentic conference, and that was my senior year was just like there was, I felt, purpose, man and I had these big dreams and then this event went really well and I'm experiencing God's power in my life and at this time then I meet this amazing, I meet this really awesome girl at this time during my senior year and, like all of everything starts clicking and so I went from the death and then, all of a sudden, I'm experiencing this freedom and I'm just like sharing with people, and that's when that's when things went a little bit of a different direction. Do you want me to pause here at all, or do you keep going?
Speaker 2:Now I'm just I'm sitting on the edge of my seat. What it's starting to get positive. What happens now?
Speaker 3:Man, things were really going. But one thing I didn't mention I didn't realize this to earlier, or not to earlier to later, to, honestly, pretty recently Notice, there was something before my performance was really bad on the inside and I was trying to project it. Now my performance was getting really good, at least in my side, and so I'm feeling great man. It seems like everything that I touch is turning to gold. I told you I'm not focusing on grades, my grades are good, my teachers love me, I did this ministry thing and we create like that entrepreneurial side of me. Let's go. And I went to a high school that really valued performance and I think that's like in general, that made American education system, but especially this one, was tied in with religion, and so there were people that really got hurt by that high school because they were different, because they didn't fit in, because they didn't always follow the rules or whatever. Man, that was not me. I embraced this thing and I was going hard. I was going in and again, mentors, teachers, and reported into me and they liked me and so all that stuff, and that is where I started to build my identity. I started to build my identity in I am this person that is talented, that is going to change the world. That man, this is just the beginning, because we did this event or whatever, and I'm like yo, we're going to start this thing. And I don't know people know about the past and conference and all this stuff I'm like yo, this is going to be it, this is going to be the thing. And I just started having these really big dreams and again coming from a good place. But what I didn't realize was some of the things that were behind it and where I was putting my value was really in that I was doing well, and that's where that the next chapter comes in, because I felt I wanted to go to a. I just wanted to keep this thing going, man, and if it sounds prideful, it's really is, because there was like that pride is there coming in, and but I wanted to keep it going and so I was like I'm going to go to Adventist University, whatever, I'm going to get plugged in, going to worship, do the whole thing. And that's when I felt I really do believe God spoke to me and he I felt like he was. He just put something on my heart and it was just really clear to go to a, this public university that was near my house, university of Texas, arlington and I'm like no, and so I fought with God all summer because, yo, why would I do this? I want to have something where I can still do like religious studies. I'll do business, but I'll do religious studies at the same time. But I couldn't get it off of my heart and so I ended up going, starting at this public university, and in my mind, this was the journey with God, was yo, god puts a dream in my heart, I do it. This is how it works, and just to give you a picture is just felt. Okay, god's giving me this dream and we're going to do this. We're going to fill up the stadium and I'm just so vulnerable, but I feel we're going to fill up this stadium at this public university. Right and dude, I start this prayer list and I remember I had heard people talk about like Martin Luther. He prayed three hours a day. That's how he was ready for the day, or whatever. So I just I start going in, waking up early, and when I start this prayer list, I had all these little no cards of detailed requests that I'm trying to get from God. And yeah, man, I just start going at it my freshman year I'm doing school and stuff, but I'm like yo, I'm on a mission here. If there was anybody sitting down on a park bench at the school by themselves, they were in trouble because I was coming for them to share with them my testimony. And this is how my freshman year went and that's when I got into campus ministry. So, me and my buddy, we go take a trip and I'm like yo, this is it. This is how God is going to fulfill what he's put in my heart right here. And so this is like a bullet train man. So, again, from like the time I give, I surrender my heart to God. Like to this moment, it's been a bullet train of activity and going and going and it's going. So I start this campus ministry. Granted, I'm still taking full credits at a public university, I'm still involved in other stuff, but this is my main priority right here and that's the start of my sophomore year and this is when things happen here, because I start this campus ministry and I believe this is what God is going to do. And man, I just I really am burning the candle at both ends. I, I am not stopping it's late nights, early mornings putting on these Bible studies doing this thing, still being involved in church preaching what were you?
Speaker 2:what were you preaching? What was the main message at this point?
Speaker 3:I think, man, I think the main message was like yo, this is what God has done in my life and this is what he can do in yours. He has set me free from this thing and he can do that for you too. And a very, I would say like a very. It was like I don't know, maybe it's too stereotypical, but like a very Baptist kind of message of pray. The prayer that's really what I was trying to get is I'm trying to save people out here. That was the thought was, and this is what I seen about later. But yeah, man, it was really about having people receive this grace, but my picture of what grace was whack, and then also, that grace did not apply to me because I was God's servant. I'm out here working and I'm, in some ways, I'm really compensating for the years that I feel like I was in guilt and shame, and so now I'm trying to, I'm almost trying to. I think in many ways, my motivation is I'm paying God back, so he's done this for me, so I'm going all in. Yeah, man, that's the, that's the idea so you're burning the candle at both ends what happened and by yeah, man, and by October, a fall semester we just started this thing. That's when I find myself yeah, I find myself on the floor in our guest bedroom. I'm still living at home and I can barely move. I am like a zombie. My face is on the floor, so discouraged, not understanding, and this is the first time where I felt depression. It's just so heavy. It feels like I couldn't even get up and I'd never experienced that before. And again, looking back, I was told foolish or whatever. But in my mind, when God asked me to do something, I did it and it worked. And in this case, hardly anybody was going to the Bible studies. It seemed like I wasn't making an impact. It seemed like nothing was really happening. And I had made, when I had been really bold in front of my church about the vision and what God wanted us to do and all this stuff, and it didn't seem like it was happening. And then here I was, like what I didn't know is burnout, and depressed and discouraged. And that's when the shame came back, but this time it wasn't a shame about, like I was addicted to something, and maybe I was addicted to something which was performance. This was like it was bad performance. It was I'm not doing for God. I'm not like doing what he's asked me to do or whatever, or at least not in the way that I thought I was going to see it. What about all the prayers I pray? What about all of this? And this puts me in a really like weird headspace, because I'm like I thought like I was hearing from the spirit or whatever. And this is where the shame then starts, leading me to isolation, because now I'm showing up at church super late and I'm like just trying to avoid people because I didn't want people to see I had been so full of faith I was sharing, I was. I love to have that reputation as being energetic and that whole thing. And now, dude, I'm completely wiped out. I can barely do anything. I'm trying to keep my school flow because I've been ignoring that, and so there's the shame because and now I know, man, I put my whole identity in doing stuff for God and that I was going to be really. And this is where it gets twisted, because the identity was okay, I'm going to do this stuff for God, but it was also that, oh, I'm going to get recognition for it, I'm going to be famous, I'm going to be able to share with people me, and that's what I didn't necessarily see at the time. And so now that's broken down because I can't do anything. Yeah, man, my whole world was like turned upside down, my whole weird belief systems that had God in a whole lot of me.
Speaker 2:So what was the plan to get out of this one? Yeah, man.
Speaker 3:There really was no plan in the. What ends up happening is I shift my focus. I'm like I guess I misunderstood God, I guess I didn't, I don't know. I like I guess I didn't hear from him. So I just start. But, and for people who've gone through depression, you're just trying to survive, you're just going day to day and I'm hurting. Man, I'm really hurting, but I'm just going day to day trying to get my grades. I'm still. I'm still dating this girl Now we've been talking for a couple of years and she it was actually long distance, she lived somewhere else, she lived outside of the country, and so I just for the rest of the school year, I'm just trying to survive, I'm just hurting. And that's around the time where my girlfriend actually moves and she ends up moving from outside the country to where I was, and this was really exciting. We had done like two years long distance. Yeah, it was wild.
Speaker 2:It was wild. You know what they say about Amor de la Jez, right? Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:I'm real, I do the words that will not be repeated. Yeah, that's true. But, bro, for us it worked, at least it seemed to work. So it was like two years of just like holding on the whole thing. And so she moves over here and this is this is like a big piece, is that? Yeah, rich? I still have not slowed down even with, yes, I've slowed down in some of my performance, but as far as the pace of my life I was still, I'm still doing full school, I'm still going at it. I'm still going, and so a lot of the energy that I still have left. But I'm still feeling this like depression. I'm still feel like there were mornings, even when I'm not, like it was so hard for me to even get out of bed or to make myself food, like my mom would give me out of bed Thank you, mom and make me food, and it was bad. But a lot of my energy then starts moving, pouring into this relationship. So it's still again like full speed and going, and what starts happening is so we started, of course, spending a lot of time together. Now that we're in person and all this stuff, I'm still going to school and that's when I start. We moved to wanting to get engaged. Now, like a big piece, here is to this day. I don't fully understand it, but I at the time, I felt like, okay, I think like the spirit is like telling us like this is something we should do. And I don't know if that was true or not, but at the start of what, like 2018, that's when we start looking to get engaged, and so it's about it's still my junior year of college, but we're just, we feel like this is something we we want to do. We've been together for three years now, all this stuff, and it's at that point and I'm not going to go into all the details, but I will say the reason I mentioned this is that this ended up having a really big part in a lot of confusion that came up in my view as God. So what ends up happening is I feel like I'm hearing this from God and now I'm starting to take what I think are like steps of faith or whatever. But, man, I just run into a lot of opposition, like her family's really down with it. But, man, I run into a brick wall for my family and and I'm living I'm still living at home, right, and, of course, looking back, I could have just popped the brakes a little bit, but in my mind I'm like I'm getting this from God, I'm going to do it, and it just starts months of. The best way I can put it is trench warfare. It is ugly, it is hot and heavy. Relationship breaks down between my girlfriend and my mom. It just it gets rough, it gets really rough and like the stress level is out the roof because I'm now a man caught between two women. That sounds awful. It was over a wall and man, and so this thing just starts going and and pretty much anything, yeah, and so I feel like this is what I need to do. I have my mentors encouraging me, but at any yeah, and I do want to say my parents are amazing parents. I love them so much and I knew that whatever they did out of love and trying to watch out for me, and I get it and 100%. But I'm just sharing this part of it was really hard because, again, it's just, it was just so heavy. My mom was really willing to do whatever in order to make sure this didn't happen. And yeah, man, so at the end of it, at the end of seven months of this struggle, I just I end up just starting in the town and I get to. Just, I had already bought the ring, everything, but I just it was too much, and I ended up breaking up with my girlfriend after all, this time in a really crappy way. Oh man, that was. I was going to have to apologize for that four years later, but that's for another part of the story. But anyway, yeah, man, it just boom, it's over. And the thing that happened so is that I started getting really confused. Was that God? Was that not? It must have not been God. I should have listened to my parents. Now I hurt my parents. It became this weird thing where my self confidence was shattered and now it became a thing of now. The performance now went to trying to perform for my parents. Of course, they wouldn't have asked me to do that, of course that's not what they were asking me to do, but that's just how I took it. And so now I don't know exactly where God is at. I'm trying to repair things with my parents. And what do I do? At this point? I've gotten a little break from intense ministry, and what do you think I do next, rich? I just move back to another really fast paced ministry thing. I, at this point, a church plan asked me to get involved with them and I start, I become the main worship leader. So I'm doing worship services every single week. It's my senior year, college. I'm doing worship services every single week. I'm part of the core team of this church plan, so I'm just I jumped right back in. So I actually. One thing I didn't mention was I had started shifting my career plans because I was like, if I'm going to get married, then I need to, like, probably do something in business or whatever. But here, this is when I started shifting back to I think I'm going to do something in ministry and so I just I get back at it, I start going. It's like the next kind of cycle for me and yeah, again, just going back, worshiping every week, being involved in church, doing the whole thing. At the end of my senior year I go to Los Angeles for an internship and, man, I love this church. I'm not going to mention what church, but I go To a non-denominational church that I just really loved and I joined them as an intern and I learned a lot. But it was probably not good for my spirituality because what I thought was fast before man in Los Angeles, it was slow. What I thought was ministry before in Los Angeles. It was just like everything was like ramped up, and of course this is not what they've been to communicate, but for me it was just like I was never going to be good enough. I was just this kid from Texas and I was doing my absolute best. It was pretty much we were working seven days a week. We were always on call man. It's, oh my gosh, like everything that I guess, all those things of like performance, like just get ramped up, because here I am rewarded according to my performance or I'm like really put down according to my performance. So being in that internship reinforced some of those things. And I and I felt, you know what, if I'm going to be able to do this thing, for God, if I'm going to make an impact, I'm going to have to up my game. I'm going to have to up my level. And again, there's nothing necessarily wrong with that, except looking back at the reason I was doing that is because I felt like I wasn't good enough. I didn't have enough. God hadn't given me enough. I needed to become this, I needed to dress differently, I needed to be different. I just wasn't enough. So everything and this is going to come later, but everything was performance, everything was trying to earn, whether it was approval from my pastors, approval from my parents, approval from God, and so that's really what life was just hitting ministry hard, going for it, that kind of continues. I go to, I end up moving to Andrews, and so that puts a pause on things for me. I ended up going to Andrews for seminary after this internship and yo, what's really interesting is that when I went to Andrews and things slow down, what happens is I get depressed. Man, when things finally slow down, when it's when the rat race stops of ministry or of having been in a relationship or of all this stuff, I didn't know who I was anymore.
Speaker 2:I think there's clinical terms for this stuff. If you grow up in a house that's constant, like you're never safe. And I'm not saying this about your house, I'm just saying if someone grows up in a house that they're never safe. then when they get in an environment where there is safety, they end up pushing people away because they're actually bored. They're used to like their body being at this heightened fight or flight condition at all times that when it's not there they're bored. And the truth is like we have to get used to rest. We have to get used to that because we're not used to it, so it feels weird in our body, if that makes sense.
Speaker 3:Yes, that was it, and it was like who am I now that I'm not a worship reader and I just start comparing myself to my friends? I had some really solid, awesome friends, including Ben Williams, my guy. Shout out to Ben I mean Love that guy, and yeah, that's actually when I first heard about y'all, heard about love reality, but didn't really stick at that time. But yeah, man, it's just without all those things. It was like, who am I? Because I start comparing myself and I'm like yo, those guys have been in ministry and I'm like I just came out of college and I'm like the youngest one and I just feel less than I just feel, and so I just do what I typically did, which is I just start feeling up the time with ministry, girlfriend, the whole thing. And that's when my life gets paused, like all of ours through COVID. So I came in fall of 2019, and I get stopped Just when I'm like settling in, getting to my rhythm. We everyone stopped, and so at that time I moved back to Dallas and it's funny, man, a very similar thing happens. I have to slow down for a month or two, but then the church that I was a part of before they needed some help and what do you think I do? I jump back into, I do an internship with them and I end up interning with them for a year and a half. So this is 2020. So this is where recording internet services at first and stuff like that. But then, later on, I started a youth group and so this is like November 2020. And I'm like yo, I'm gonna start this youth group whatever. And I'm like, ah, I've had my experiences. Now I'm gonna apply what I've learned. The whole thing right, this is my chance. I'm gonna apply through whatever I wish. Again, this is again. I know I'm coming at it for a good hard bed and at the same time, there was this I was just so broken. I'm trying to do these things to. I think that if I'm successful, I'm gonna feel good about myself. And the problem was is that I ended up being relatively successful and the youth group started growing and, for the first time since high school, it felt like I was making a bigger difference. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough. And so what I thought was gonna fulfill me, which was ministry success, ends up leading me to this same place, which is burnout. And again, like all of a sudden, I'm like yo man, I'm in complete survival mode Because, again, I'm not just doing this internship, I'm doing full credits at school, online, and I'm doing all this stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, how did? Was the porn problem still there, or had that all been solved?
Speaker 3:Yeah at, actually at 16,. Thank God that's when that stopped. It was just what I now realize. It's what my mentor told me. Porn was not the problem. It was a symptom of the real problem.
Speaker 2:Mercy.
Speaker 3:Because I just found other things to medicate. Yeah, and for me it was busyness and performance. As you now just telling the story, I'm like, oh my gosh. I'm like I'm stressed telling this story Because it's oh my gosh, it just has not stopped. And we're getting there, life is coming, but but, dude, yeah, man, yeah, so this is happening, and now I've started this group, but now I'm getting completely burnt out and that's when I started hitting that bottom in many ways. I remember I was oh man, yeah, I was driving home with a friend and they were like talking to me and they I actually got really mad at them because they told me the truth and what they told me was like, essentially, like my past was had not been dealt with. Essentially, my past was controlling my present, and I got so mad. I got so mad. But that's when I was really hitting bottom because I realized, yeah, a lot of those hurts that had happened, a lot of those things, dude, as you can probably tell, I was like, just told you I had not dealt with it, I had just gone straight into the next thing, into the next thing, into the next thing, and that's when I started digging into some of those hurts. Even with that, before I started digging into it, I started getting into just some bad relationships. I end up I get so burnt out that I'm like, sorry guys, and honestly I short notice, and this is actually a bit of a regret, but I just peace out from my youth group that I had started and all this stuff in the middle of the fall semester. I just peace out. I'm like I got to go back to finish my studies. Sorry guys, I just sleep. And so I'm finally like trying to slow down or whatever. I think, okay, I'm gonna do this for me, or whatever. What I do, I just do more of the same. I just start filling it with relationships and just making unwise decisions, like just there was a void, there was a need Instead of performance. Now I'm trying to switch back to what I'd always tried to fill it with, which was like relationships, and so it was like back and forth performance, relationships. And that's when I started to realize how messed up some of my choices were. Like that's when I need help. What that help came through is I moved from Dallas the end of October. I got a call to move back to Dallas in the beginning of December, so that's when I got my first full-time opportunity. So I moved twice in six weeks because that's yeah, so a total fall start. So I got up to Andrews, I get a call, my first call, and I'm like yo, this is amazing, and it was really God's grace, cause it started. It really defied a lot of my worldview, cause I thought if I do good, then I'm rewarded, right and again, these are just things that are like what's behind what you say, you believe. I would say I believed in grace and all this stuff, but really I believed in meritocracy. Yeah, absolutely and dude, so I get this opportunity to come back and I used to work at an academy or a Christian high school or whatever, as chaplain, bible teacher, that kind of thing. So I'm like part of it was like the money between being a student. I took it, I took it and so I come back and again, instead of that slowing down process, I just went right back to my next thing. So all these things have not been dealt with, but I started okay, I'm going to deal with it. And so I joined a like a recovery group at this church or whatever, and so it's a bunch of people with different issues and you just start talking about things. But I just mentioned that because, dude, I really was like yo, please, I can work myself out, I'm going to. At that point it was like I tell you not to date anyone or whatever, so that you can like figure things out. And so I was like I'm going to get through this program so that I can get there. I was just trying to get fix myself. That was the mindset. I'm going to fix myself. And yeah, dude, and there was a curriculum and there were leaders and there were. So it was the same kind of pattern where it's what was meant to be for healing. I ended up treating as I'm going to fix myself, I'm going to get out of this, I'm going to earn my way out of this. So, predictably, what ends up happening is, after I get started with the academy, I'm still at the place where I've been, and so it's the same thing I perform, I get burnout, I'm depressed and by the end of the first semester, dude, I'm on the verge of checking myself into a month long therapy program, because that's how low and dark things are.
Speaker 2:Give me an example of the darkness. You don't have to get crazy, but just like. No, yeah.
Speaker 3:Dude. Here's the thing, and this is going to come up later because this was really 2022 for me. I had tried, rich, fulfilling my desires earlier on in my story, right, I tried to do sex or whatever and different things, or specifically do pornography, different things like that, but it didn't work. I knew that led me to hate myself and I knew I don't want to go back there, even though the thought, of course, it crosses my mind. I know that doesn't work. That's stupid. It killed me, whatever.
Speaker 1:But then I'm like but where has following God got me? I'm depressed as hell, and I've been depressed since my sophomore year of college and I'm over here trying to tell these kids about God and I'm like a hypocrite because it's not doing anything for me and so I know all this stuff in seminary.
Speaker 3:And it's where I was at. Man was just like the darkness was. That didn't work, this doesn't work. Where am I going to go? I cannot take this anymore and I would write songs about it, the whole thing, total sad boy songs, the whole thing. And just yeah, man, it was just a feeling of. I wrote a song called Dead End City and in that song I put this hell is a place that I made for myself and that's how I felt. I felt like I had nowhere to go like other than like the voice you know I like. Where am I going to? Go yeah.
Speaker 2:Dead End City. That's where you were at. Yeah, man.
Speaker 3:And that defined a lot of 2022 for me. It was yeah, I'm doing this thing my again, rich. It's writing up and down and we talk about this a lot, but it's writing up and down, writing up and down on circumstances, writing up and down on if things go well, I'm good. If my feelings are good, I'm good. If things are bad, oh then I'm bad, and that's really what's the experience, man. It was just, and why? Because my identity is in my performance. So if I'm doing good, okay, and even then it's all I could do so much better because I'm comparing to someone else. So, but my circumstances over the summer get a little bit better. You get the little summer break or whatever, and so I'll play a lot of ball, and so, instead of going to therapy, I'm just like I'll be fine, whatever. So I just start playing ball, I start feeling a little bit better, and the new school year hits and in the new school year, it's the same thing, man. Same thing, just. I just start out, okay.
Speaker 2:Had we talked at this point?
Speaker 3:No, man, not yet.
Speaker 2:Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this is still before, because what ends up happening is I go through this first semester, similar thing of just like same cycle I'm doing, performing up and down, same thing, trying to tell the kids about God, but I'm feeling terrible. And that's around the time where I oh, of course, I tried the other thing and got into a relationship, and then this time I didn't blow it up, which was a positive thing, but I got my heart broken and so I'm still like, so I just do more like searching for a relationship, whatever. And that's the point where, around the turn of the year, where I think things really hit. I don't know if it was an all-time low, but it was. That's when I wrote pretty much it was like a fake suicide note, and I say fake because it wasn't exactly planning on going through with it, but it's just in case. I don't know exactly what I was thinking, but I felt so low every day.
Speaker 2:You wrote it out on paper or on your computer?
Speaker 3:I wrote it on paper and I just said behind my brother said behind my mom different things, and that's when things were really again really low.
Speaker 2:Person.
Speaker 3:And that's going into the new year yeah, that's going into the new year. And it's around that time where, at the same time, I get a different word. It was interesting because rich I've still been, I got to still been a part of my life. I'm still trying, because I know, and especially as part of my job, I need to be close to God, that kind of thing. But it was around the time where I felt like God gave me like a word for the year and it was belief, because I had, I've been through this whole and it's actually was really helpful for me. But this whole Ecclesiastes trip during the fall, where I was like you know what? I just have to get to a point of acceptance. This is life. It's not going to go according to what I think, it's not going to go according to what I plan, and that's okay, so just do your best. It's like that okay news, like life's going to suck, but God loves you, it's all right, brother, you know, like that was the, that's the thought, and so it was like okay, I'm just going to go to a place of acceptance. And that's when I felt like because you know, I had a lot of big dreams when I was younger and different things, but I think. And then it was like okay, deconstructing some of those false expectations and just things like that. But I felt like God gave me a word which is believes, and kind of Psalm 27, 13, maybe I believe I'll see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, and encouraging me to believe that he had good things for me. And so that was the beginning of January and that's when. That's when I got invited to something called UG Winter Camp, arlington Church, where I grew up as a youth group called Underground, and I had been a part of it when I was a kid actually, but it had gone to a whole another level. Pretty awesome. Danny Kano, lace Kano's brother, runs it and he had invited me to do some stuff with him before and he just he decides to ask me to be a part of their winter camp, and so it's going to be like this weekend thing and he asked me to be part of the band. And it was pretty bad idea in my parts to say yes, because the school year's already started. I'm literally working like all day, so I'm signing up for a seven day work week or whatever. But in my mind, bro. I was being completely honest. It was just like I'm going to say yes, because maybe I'll meet another fellow leader over there If it's on this, there to try to be like I'm there trying to be girls, and it's how I'll probably have a good time. Danny does cool stuff, and so I decided I'm going to go and be a part of this camp or whatever. Man. Things get serious real quick, though, because I still remember like I show up or whatever, I'm tired, but I get I end up writing with Danny Kano all the way down to the camp, and it's like an hour or something to East Texas, and so we're just talking and in an hour this man cuts through every facade, even the facades that I didn't even, they're not even conscious of. There comes a point when you've been performing, that you don't even know who the real you is anymore. It's just so many layers where it's like, you know, like that movie, inception, like there's times where it's like deception, inception, where it's like one deception after another, and pretty soon you don't even know what the core deception was, and that's really where it was, but Danny was having none of it and he just asked me to share and talk to him and different things, and he's at the end of it. He just, he just lays it out. Yo, pretty much what he tells me is you don't need to perform here, I just invited you for you. Hmm. Man that hits. I just invited you for you. I just want you to be here. You're part of our family and I didn't know that was the start of something that I was going to do that weekend. So I had a conversation with Danny. Then the chaos of camp breaks out.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're going to take a real quick break right now and I want to introduce you guys to my friend, Elisha. Elisha, what is up?
Speaker 4:I am just chilling here with my family. You may hear some kids in the background.
Speaker 2:I love it. I love it. Elisha, how long have you been rocking with some good gospel?
Speaker 4:I've been rocking with good gospel since July 2020.
Speaker 2:July 2020. Mercy, how has the understanding of good gospel changed your life?
Speaker 4:Oh man, it's changed my life in so many ways, but right off the bat, it freed me from some crippling anxiety that I had in my life from the time I was probably about six years old, yep.
Speaker 2:So if you really wanted to hear about that, there's a whole Dead to Life episode of you explaining there is. That's awesome.
Speaker 4:There is Season one. It's been a minute.
Speaker 2:It's cool to be in season one, huh, not saying that if you're in season three, it's anything less. So, elisha, you've gone as far as to dedicate some of your finances to helping move this gospel message forward. Why have you done that?
Speaker 4:I've done that because what I've received has changed my life and God has blessed me in ways that I could not have even imagined that he could have. So for me to give just a small amount of what I've been given, man, I've been given the kingdom, so I am going to share what God has blessed me with right back in to growing this kingdom, so that all the sons and daughters out there can know who they are.
Speaker 2:Wow, that's so powerful. And if you would like to donate and be a part of this message being moved forward, you can go to loverealityorg slash give. That's loverealityorg slash give, and donations from people like Elisha and from you will help us getting this message forward. And we really believe this. Do you hear me say it all the time? We really believe that we'll never run out of that's a life episodes as long as we keep preaching this gospel. So we want to keep preaching it. So please join with us so that we can get this message out there. Thank you so much, elisha. You are a blessing and a testimony to us.
Speaker 4:Absolutely Rich. Thank you.
Speaker 3:I end up being way more busy than I expect that I was going to be. I'm like, actually in charge of kids and I'm like yo, I was just doing this all week, what the heck. But anyway. So I ended up putting where there's like a cabin and there's like a common space or whatever. So I put my kids to bed. But it's not my put my kids to bed. It's like past midnight, man. And so I see Laif in the hallway, because Laif took his group down there and I knew Laif from a couple of events we had done together. And Laif and I just start talking, just the typical what's been going on. I'm telling him but not really telling him. It's been fine, it's been hard, but this is the whole thing. But Laif actually wants to talk, like I thought he'd be tired and he's going to want to go to bed. But he actually listens and he's yo, let's talk some more until we go downstairs. And there was something about this Rich, that man, I realized in that conversation that hit me so deep. I saw Jesus in us so deep because I went to business school, whatever. I know it's the most annoying thing in the world when people to me, when people are long winded. I just have very little tolerance for that, because I know yo, if you're going to win people over, you can't do that. But here I was and Laif actually wanted to hear the real story. Like he actually wanted to listen, to understand, and he didn't care about the time. Man, I didn't believe I was worth that.
Speaker 2:I really didn't.
Speaker 3:I thought I'm just complaining here. But no, he actually wanted to listen, to understand that just man, the worth that I felt from just that small action. And then, yo man, we started having that conversation and Shout out to the Cano brothers man.
Speaker 2:Those dudes are powerful ministers of the gospel man Dude, testimony to me.
Speaker 3:They're doing, like this tag team that me you know. Like they're doing this tag team. Absolutely On the same day, man, and we just started talking, he's late, shares a story I really didn't know it that deep and and then he shared with me what I find out later that someone did for him, which was I think it was Christian and Eddie did for him, which was he shares the story. And then he asked me what are the lies that you're believing? And rich, this is a miracle, and that's the thing that people I don't think always understand. God really works miracles in very ordinary moments because, yo man, even being in this dark place, I'm still full of this spiritual pride, because I've been a seminary and because I know certain stuff, and I'm like, oh my God, whatever, but he keeps persisting. What lies are you believing? And we spend the next three hours breaking that down. And the lie that we got to was what I understand now is that I really believed that my life was that I am my performance and my entire life, and I mentioned that thing at the very beginning about the stage. I believe that my life was at stage, that my life was like constantly trying to either earn someone's approval or get someone like me, or, and so the pressure, the stress, the anxiety that came with every single day Living my life on the stage, and that's what kind of was identified that core, core lie. And then life was like yo, let's listen to, let's listen to the spirit and see what he has to say. And what I got was like rushing waters, like the river of life, giving me what I really needed. And it's really interesting, we stayed up till 3 30 in the morning and that's when I received that freedom. But it felt very normal and that's something that I think that I would want to share with people. Whoever listens to this is that I think everybody takes a little different, like, yes, I got emotional in that moment, but it wasn't Like I would really broke down and all this stuff, maybe like a little bit, but it felt normal. Like I went to bed at 3 30 in the morning that night, like you know, and I wrote a little thing down because I was like hoping that I remember it. But even though it felt normal, like bro, everything changed that day because that thing of identifying that lie and then in the coming days and weeks, listening to, plug into the Bible studies and listen to it. Like I said, like listening to who we story that I'm God's kid. That's it. That started changing. I didn't get plugged into that stuff.
Speaker 2:It was just like it was late.
Speaker 3:Yeah, lates just started sharing and then Eddie reached out to me, you know, and asked for my story. And then you reached out to me and then I just started joining the Bible studies little by little. And you were just hearing, just hearing, like, like again, things seeds that God had planted in me in high school with like Roman six, and all this stuff just started to be reaped in my life because now it's all shoot, that's true about me. I have it now and I am free now and I am dead to sin and I am not. My performance and and I're all in Lauren's podcast really was powerful too, because Lauren mentioned like that God doesn't need me to do anything. But of course God invites us to be joining him and what in these purposes and that's our privilege, but God doesn't need me. I am not the savior in that. I know that sounds like very narcissistic, but again, I've gotten trapped in that. I've gotten trapped in that mindset. I got a trapped in that kind of savior mentality where I'm the one suffering so that everybody else can live, where it's like yo, that's wack. Jesus already did that and I went back to my circumstances of being in a job I really disliked but, man, everything was different because I went back to the same circumstances. But I was now okay and now I've started to enjoy the little thing. It's like a middle school basketball coach. I'm like enjoying that. And now I'm sharing some things. I started sharing with kids and they started receiving this thing, like I've been trying to get through to them since I started, but this message is getting through to them, this thing that yo, you are not what you do, you are not your sin, you are something different. You, you're a new creation. You've been joined with God, joined with Jesus and his death. You've been resurrected into new life. This is who you are now and this is all true of you. I started teaching all the waves. I didn't say this, but I was like screw it. And I just started teaching that in my, in my classes. Man, I was just teaching this identity stuff, like all the time. And again, the circumstances were hard. But for the first time, I was not defined by my circumstances and I was okay. And I need to say that because, whether it's now or some other time, my circumstances did change. Later I met an amazing young woman and I also got an opportunity for a job I really enjoyed. But before that, before any of that changed, everything changed. It was not the circumstances that set me free, it was the gospel and specifically the piece that I am, not my performance, I'm God's child and it doesn't matter if I am incredible and it doesn't matter if I love it. In the scripture it talks about how I'll shoot. I told you I was preaching about Nehemiah. Dang it, and I've had a hard time preaching this book, but there's something that I love that really encapsulates this freedom, which is Nehemiah says. Nehemiah is so unconcerned about people remembering him what he praises oh Lord, remember me, remember me, remember what I've done for this people, or remember, and that's beautiful, because he understands that everybody else can forget him and will forget him, but he knows that only God will remember him and he's living just for that. And yeah, man, seven years of depression off and on, getting free from that, having that weight, missed it. And in my life there's still challenges or things that go down, obviously, but my circumstances do not determine my identity, my circumstances do not determine my peace. Only Jesus does, and that has changed everything. So now I'm excited to share, now I actually have a message to share, now I actually have something to share, because God has poured so much into me.
Speaker 2:Man bro, it seems so simple, but when you don't know it it's the hardest thing to comprehend, right? Yeah, man yeah. So if you could go back, I'm trying to pick which Ian are we going to talk to. Let's go to a college Ian who is working so hard, who's sincere, but is working really hard and is battling this depression. If you get to just come up to this dude and put your arm around him and take him out for a bite to eat and just pour life in him, what would you tell this guy?
Speaker 3:You are his son, with whom he is well pleased. It's not going to be one day that God is happy with you. God could care less about what you achieve. He just loves you right now, as you are. Enjoy the gifts that he has given you. Enjoy the stage that he has put you in. And, by the way, if you want to drop a few classes, feel free, man, because it's going to be all right. You don't need to fast track this thing. Enjoy your life, because you are God's son. Now Stop striving and just be who you are.
Speaker 2:Surely goodness and mercy will follow you the days of your life. Yeah. Praise the Lord, man, you're a testimony to me, man, just seeing your life, and I think we're going to talk a little bit later on here. We'll see what happens, because there's more I think, there's more story, I think there's more story. It's a little bit raw.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:But just hearing this man is such a blessing and it's a testimony to me that you've been loved real well and, yeah, seeing you walk it out and living it and moving in freedom Wow, bro. So thank you for being faithful to his faithfulness and believing him when he says you can rest, man, because it's a testimony to all of us.
Speaker 3:Thank you bro.
Speaker 2:Absolutely man in hearing his story. The idea, man, if we just believed in the righteousness that we've been given in Christ. One of my favorite quotes and I'm sure you've heard me say it recently is one of these days someone is going to read the Bible and believe it and the rest of us are just going to be embarrassed. And that's what I'm taking away from this is that if we would just believe we could jump off that rat race, we could jump off of that hamster's wheel and out of the rat race. And if that's you, if you've been trying real hard and yet you feel like you've made up no ground, your life begins at the finish line. Jesus made up all the ground and so, if that's you, pray this with me. Father, thank you that you have made me right with you. You have reconciled me to yourself through Jesus Christ. Thank you that you have brought me back on eagles' wings, and there is no distance between us. You have freed me from sin. You have freed me from the lies. I will not go on one more moment believing that I believe you and I stand in your truth. Thank you for this reconciliation In Jesus' name, amen.