Have you ever felt the weight of societal expectations and bullying? Lombe shares her moving journey through depression, guilt, and anxiety, touching on identity struggles, mental health battles, and the loss of her mother. Despite the heartbreak, her story inspires with courage, resilience, and faith. Lombe's transformation centers on her faith in Jesus, which helped her find self-worth as a child of God, not bound by societal norms. She navigates identity, guilt in relationships, and the pursuit of happiness while coping with loss and depression. Discover truth and self-worth through Lombe's inspiring journey with us.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation and Hope
5:01 - Journey to Understanding God's Love
24:07 - Navigating Identity and Guilt in Relationships
35:41 - Struggling With Mental Health and Loss
51:28 - Embracing Self and Finding Happiness
1:02:13 - Overcoming Deception and Finding Identity
1:10:07 - The Liberating Power of the Gospel
1:19:21 - Finding Freedom and Peace in Christ
1:29:31 - The Power of Truth and Self-Worth
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Have you ever felt the weight of societal expectations and bullying? Lombe shares her moving journey through depression, guilt, and anxiety, touching on identity struggles, mental health battles, and the loss of her mother. Despite the heartbreak, her story inspires with courage, resilience, and faith. Lombe's transformation centers on her faith in Jesus, which helped her find self-worth as a child of God, not bound by societal norms. She navigates identity, guilt in relationships, and the pursuit of happiness while coping with loss and depression. Discover truth and self-worth through Lombe's inspiring journey with us.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation and Hope
5:01 - Journey to Understanding God's Love
24:07 - Navigating Identity and Guilt in Relationships
35:41 - Struggling With Mental Health and Loss
51:28 - Embracing Self and Finding Happiness
1:02:13 - Overcoming Deception and Finding Identity
1:10:07 - The Liberating Power of the Gospel
1:19:21 - Finding Freedom and Peace in Christ
1:29:31 - The Power of Truth and Self-Worth
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 3:I would literally be at a position sobbing, crying in my bed, and I remember even one night I wanted to end my life because I was not good enough In my mind I'm old, long been was not good enough and in that moment I just remember feeling a hug and God was like you are my child and I love you.
Speaker 2:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. Today's episode is with my friend Lambe, and Lambe has a heartbreaking slash, beautiful story, as many of the stories on Death to Life of a girl from. Almost from the beginning did not believe she was worthy to be loved, did not believe that there was something wrong with her and as you hear the story unfold you'll see that led to despair, depression and even suicidal thoughts. But then of course, this is the Death to Life podcast. There is life, there is truth, and so hold on to that. I do want you to be aware that there is talk about those heavy issues on this episode and use discretion when listening. But we just want to jump into this episode and I want you to hear Lambe's heart. Love y'all, appreciate y'all, buckle up, strap in. Where does this start? For you it does it start in. Let me guess, are you from Edmond, oklahoma, or what part of Oklahoma are you? I am.
Speaker 3:Edmond, oklahoma. Is that weird? Did I know that? No, it's not. You know, my sister, your sister, your sister, yeah, where do you feel like your spiritual life on this journey?
Speaker 2:Where do you feel like it starts, where you were starting to understand anything about God or who he was and who you were?
Speaker 3:I will say In first or second grade. I'll be honest, I think it was first grade. I was a bully in first grade to one person. Why? Because it was the cool thing to do, like I had two best friends. That are kind of bullies too and I was like, oh yeah, you get this affirmation for bullying a person. And I just remember when I was younger and going to church and learning God's love, and that's not what we do. We don't bully people. And she bullied me one time on the bus, bullied me back and I didn't like it. And what did she say to you on the bus? I had this. I made this pet rat out of a paper and I was so proud of that pet rat and I was playing with it and then she's oh you little baby. And I was just like I was mad about it. I was mad about it and I'm not proud of this, but I didn't that. We were sitting right next to each other. I don't know how that happened, but we were sitting right next to each other and I ended up elbowing her and she went home crying and I didn't get in trouble. The bus driver gave me grace. He didn't get me in trouble or anything, because I was a good kid, I did have a good heart, and I wasn't. I didn't want to cause I don't typically cause trouble and I realized, wow, that didn't feel good. And God was like no, that doesn't feel good, you need a cheater with love. And so the next day I said I'm sorry, and we became best friends after that. And then I realized that the people that I was trying to impress were not my friends, we were just mean people. And so I had that little yeah, that was that little Little introduction to God's love.
Speaker 2:What was? Who was God overall? If that was the introduction to God's love, who was he? As you were growing up and learning about who he is, what was taught to you?
Speaker 3:I was taught that God was love and that he loves me and that he was, that I was a child of God and I knew that and I felt that. But then I would. The people that I looked up to in the church I don't want to say the people, but some there's certain people that I looked up to that were very, can be very critical and things that I don't know how to describe it, things that I think that are just innocent. I, for instance, in African culture, when I was supposed to be in the kitchen they're supposed to be cooking, they're supposed to be helping and cleaning and it by the guys get to play and I was more of a tomboy and I want to go out and play with the guys. I want to be able to do all that stuff and when I wasn't, when I fell short of people's expectations, they were very clear of the guilt and the shame and making I felt like an outsider. I was different because of those things.
Speaker 2:So this is from a pretty young age.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So the culture that you grew up in was pretty strict in that regard. Yeah, and you felt that and you did not like it.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's exactly it. And there was just. There are little things like for me to sit up straight, or you're not supposed to sit that way, you're not supposed to. All these little things that, to me, I don't even think about. But then I'm stuck in a cycle of am I doing the right thing, am I performing and behaving in the right way? But at the same time I'm like I'm a good person and I have a good heart. I feel like these are non-issues.
Speaker 2:So you felt a little bit like God loves you, you're a child of God. God is good, but people are super critical of me and things that I don't feel really matter.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but I felt, and then I felt like something was inherently wrong with me.
Speaker 2:When did that start coming up?
Speaker 3:I think second grade, second or third grade, but the thing is, did you do some?
Speaker 2:work, or just because like school work? What was wrong with you in your mind?
Speaker 3:In my mind. I took on a lot of people's criticisms but thinking, oh, that is I need to work on it or not, I need to necessarily work on it. But that it was that there's something wrong with me. Oh, because I'm not behaving in this way, there's not something off about me, and I just I don't know. And elementary through like freshman year I'd say I was I took on life as a joke because I had this internal there's something wrong with me. I just didn't take anything very seriously. That was my coping mechanism. And so I was known as a class clown. I was known as being funny, always cracking a joke, and throughout that experience I've always had a soft heart for people that were outcast. That's beautiful, yeah, because I feel like people are outcasted because they don't fit the mold or they don't. People think there's something wrong with them. And so I really had a soft heart for those people because I felt that way. And even my yeah, my sister is all like you made friends with this when growing up. You made friends with this special needs girl and I was like who's that? And I didn't even realize I don't. I didn't see it that way and, seeing as this friend that I had, who had special needs. I just saw a person that was ostracized and I was like let's be friends.
Speaker 2:That's awesome. So then something. After a freshman year it stopped being a joke.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I just I don't know what happened after freshman year. I was more low-key. I would say, yeah, I stopped cracking jokes as much. I just still crack jokes, but I just was more on the back. I didn't like being the center of attention, like I was back In elementary school, middle school. I didn't like calling that attention to myself necessarily. How did high school?
Speaker 2:go Dealing with this not being enough and figuring out who you are. That's a tough time in life, yeah.
Speaker 3:I liked high school. I had one best friend. Not that I had a couple of best friends, a few, but there was One person I went to high school with that she was my writer to hire, I would say. Because we both felt that way, there was something inherently wrong with us. There are people, there's that high school drama that comes with being in high school and going to high school with a lot of people, or even a few people. But we didn't like to be caught up in the drama, so we'd separate ourselves. One time we had a group of friends and she got in a fight with one of my best friends and they were really petty and so we're just like let's just go sit by ourselves at lunch, and so that's exactly what we did. We sat by ourselves and then a lot of people started sitting with us, but it was just like we didn't want to be involved in high school drama, but we had a vibe on the fact that we felt different. We felt different but we embraced our differences in that and that was a blessing to have that person.
Speaker 2:So at this point, who is God to you?
Speaker 3:In high school, God became a person that loves me, but he loves other people more, In a sense that I, Since I felt that those other people that are able to act correctly behave correctly. God loved them more and I just need to work harder to be better, but at the same time I had that I didn't know how to be better.
Speaker 2:So then, if God loves those who work hard and are better, and you don't even know how to be better, what did you decide? Were you going to try, or were it like I would try?
Speaker 3:What did?
Speaker 2:that look like.
Speaker 3:That would look like I would make sure I was reading my Bible every day, I'd make sure that I was praying and I'd prayer journal and make sure that I wasn't partying with my friends, or that was my idea of trying and just being more disciplined. And then those temptations would come and then I'd fall and then I'd go into severe depression, crippling anxiety. Describe that, For instance, when I was in high school there was one time I wanted to. You know my sister Malenka. She'd been on the podcast shout out to episode like four or five.
Speaker 2:I don't know what she was. She was the epitome of righteous for me.
Speaker 3:She was one of my biggest critics. Oh no, don't listen to Malenka.
Speaker 2:No condemnation for you? No condemnation, but she was the standard.
Speaker 3:I wanted to be like her. I'd pray that prayer God, make me like Malenka, just make me more like her, because she listens, she's obedient, and I'm over here messing up and, and I'm over here messing up and. But I'd always fall short and I was like what is wrong with me? And I'm like I thought I love you so much and I want to do better, I want to be better, but I keep on falling and failing. But it would just be a cycle of try, try, fail, depression, anxiety, because I love God so much and I just cannot be the person that he wants us all to be.
Speaker 2:And so when you say depression, what does that mean?
Speaker 3:To me, that is, I would literally fetal position, sobbing, crying in my bed. And I remember even one night I wanted to end my life because I was not good enough in my mind and my old mom was not good enough. And in that moment I just remember feeling a hug and the Holy Spirit was just like or God was just like you are my child and I love you. And I was like oh, I was like you're real. Another moment of okay, you hear me, you're real, I believe in you, and you say I'm your child and I trust you, but I still need to do better. I still in my mind was like I need to do better.
Speaker 2:So you got reinvigorated to do better, try harder, mercy, mercy. If it was only that easy, I know right, if you could just try and then you would receive, but that's, it's actually easier, but we don't know it. You're going through high school. This is going on trying to be enough guilt, condemnation, shame, depression, anxiety. When you say anxiety, you are anxious about just behavior, your performance.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and I was with my anxiety, I would say with my behavior, with my performance, and I think, yeah, that's mainly it. Yeah, but being I had this extreme standard that I needed to achieve, which I didn't even think I knew what that standard was exactly at the time, but I felt like I was never good enough. So what happened next? What happened next? I would try harder and I would still go through that cycle of failing and crying and just going back and forth, but it wasn't until my senior year of college was when I gave up and I really started wilding out, I would say.
Speaker 2:This went all the way through college then. Just this mindset.
Speaker 3:Yeah, this mindset, not the given up, but how do I describe it? And my senior year of high school, I experienced the loss of my stand partner in orchestra and he had ended his life and that was a tough time for me during that period. So that to me, whenever I noticed there was a certain pattern where it's like when I was go through or with those traumatic experiences, I'd find some way to cope, and that coping was partying and just doing things that I shouldn't be doing. And until my freshman year of college, I was in a not official relationship with someone that had no business being in a not official relationship with, and that was when I was in college, and that was when I was in college and I was in a not official relationship with and that that's his old me. I'm gonna say it's old me, that person at the time had a girlfriend that wrecked me because I knew that's not my heart, and that was another instance where I went into deep depression, and so I was very excited.
Speaker 2:And the idea of oh, you really aren't who you think you are. I remember when I was in college, that's what hit me after I had made a mistake was oh, you thought you were this, but this is who you actually were, this is who you actually are, richard. You thought you would never do this, but look, you just did it. Was it that kind?
Speaker 3:of thing. No, it was more like I really am not this person. And why did I do that? And I felt terrible for his girlfriend.
Speaker 2:Did she find? Out about it.
Speaker 3:I have no clue, I just remember. But who? That's crazy, because I cut off all ties of that person, like that was a god thing. I think I had a. I did have issues with lust and in that there were certain I broke off. I cut off ties with that person and one time when I was walking around on campus, that person introduced his girlfriend that was visiting to me while I was mining my own business and I was just all. I acted friendly and cordial but at the end that wrecked me. It really wrecked me, because I love people. I love people so much and I would not want to do anything to hurt somebody and I know that's not me and at the same time I really had feelings for that person too. Sure. And, but I was part of a. There was a small community of some of the Adventists and still water and I don't know what happened Exactly, but God gave me reassurance in that season two of that. I was loved and forgiven and I was even going to therapy because I was like I need help, I need counseling, I need, I need help to get through this and but God gave me that. He gave me a feeling of peace and grace and forgiveness in that situation. And my counselor was what happened? He asked me cause. I remember my last session and he was like so what changed? And I was like I don't want to see my faith. But God, god showed up and he and gave me peace and forgiveness and so I was able to move on, move on with peace in that situation and not time myself with that person and and yeah, but I just needed, but I was still white knuckling, I would say.
Speaker 2:And then you keep going through college ups and downs, or had that moment. Just okay, I'm on it, I'm back on the wagon of being good.
Speaker 3:You know I was. I hopped on the wagon of being good and I was originally wanting to go to Oakwood my freshman year, but my dad's too far, but he's union's okay. And I was like, okay, we're going to union, and gave you the green light on that, though that's how I ended up at Union college and decided to go into nursing and check up the nursing program.
Speaker 2:Good choice. I think I remember even hearing about you coming to union and for those of you who don't know, that's just a small Christian school in the middle of Nebraska where I worked for a long time and Lulenga Long Bay sister and I were in the same class. So you said that your senior year something happened, but in between time and the meantime, like after you get to union, things were looking good for a while.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and. I. I was just so like I was doing good, I was behaving right, I was going to worship, I was. It was all like, okay, this is where I'm meant to be Like. I just remember I knew. I noticed that it's such a compared to where I went my freshman year which is like a public school I think they had 30,000 students or something like that to union and it was very small and everybody knew each other, grew up around each other. It was. It was interesting. I went to it like Mollenga with the mindset it's like I'm going to be focused and just focus on school and just behave right and be around people that are like my. You are also behaved and we're doing this God, you and I, the God. We're doing this. God. We're doing this, god, we're doing this God. We're doing this God, you and I together and growing in that spirituality and that spiritual walk with him at union. So you did, we did, I did. But then I noticed I'd go back home and be with my friend and probably be in things that I shouldn't be doing. But I knew that when I would go I was like with this double living that I'm not going to open up to anybody at union. I'm not going because I'm like I know how people talk, I'm just like. I'm just like I keep to myself, mind my business, so I focus on school. And it turned to when I'm supposed to stay focused on school and then when I go home I'm going to have my fun.
Speaker 2:Perfect. I know right. That was a good plan and it worked out in that way.
Speaker 3:No, it never does. Why? Why not? Because it is like shame guilt man. I was like I need to be more like these people, but over here it seems like when. I go home it's so much fun but not really Just coping. Coping from the white knuckling. I call it white knuckling, even though I'm black. But Black, white, not going. But that was just like dealing with anxiety and it's okay, I'm performing, I'm doing it, I'm doing it, I'm doing it. Okay, I'm performing. I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Okay, I'm going to go back home and yeah, that sounds tiring. It was.
Speaker 2:So then, what happened your senior year that you decide I'm done?
Speaker 3:It was. It was more what happened. Oh, okay, so it was my that situation ship. I was in From your freshman year, from my freshman year. He slipped back in but he was single now. So I was like, okay, cool, and I'm like, oh, guilt free. But not really it was. But I realized that I was developing feelings for this person that was not a good and was not was acting outside of his identity.
Speaker 2:You were developing feelings for somebody who was in an identity crisis? Yes, but in the meantime, you're in your own identity crisis. This would be good.
Speaker 3:And that was. But in my mind, in my head I knew I shouldn't be doing this, I shouldn't be with this person. But then in my head I was like, but I'm only with one person. So it's like what if it was just like mental gymnastics?
Speaker 2:of, but the allure of being wanted and being someone attracted to you and all that's powerful right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it is. It can make you feel good. But then I feel like there's a lot of people Okay, there's a lot of people that I knew, found me attractive and wanted me, but in my mind I also have so far in deception that I felt like I wasn't good enough for them. So in my head I'm like this person's a nice person, but I'm not good enough because I can't behave correctly, I can't perform correctly, so I'm not good enough for that person. I don't want to let them in and let them see the real me. So I'm going to keep this person at bay and then just be with the person that I know I shouldn't be with. But at least it's not that serious to where the person knows the real me ish, but doesn't care.
Speaker 2:So you jumped into that situation. Did it become a real relationship or did it stay a situation?
Speaker 3:It did not. I feel like at the time I had feelings for that person but I felt like they were not reciprocated. He didn't treat me well or it wasn't reciprocated. But then other people are like he loves me so much, that was yeah, but he doesn't. But yeah, yeah, I don't know where we're going there, but yeah.
Speaker 2:How did that end? Because it was a moment where you go and you're just like yeah, it ended with he didn't.
Speaker 3:So I was developed feelings, but then he would not treat me the way I'd want to be treated, and that the conflict of having feelings for a person that doesn't treat you right. So you know in your mind this is not going to be fruitful and it hasn't been fruitful, but you still have those underlying feelings. It also made me really sad and I would say I was really depressed about it and I would cry. But I was like God, I know this is not what you want for me and I don't know why I have these feelings and these desires. But I'm going to, I'm trying, I'm going to cut it off. And I successfully did again. I right knuckled it. I was like I'm cutting it off and I'm going to live my life and I'm done trying. I'm cutting this thing off, but I'm done trying to behave well, I'm just done. I'm like I'm done If you're going to change me. I remember I was like I wish I was just more. I wish I was more obedient and I'm like if you're going to change me, you're going to change me. I'm just done trying, but I'm going to move on and that's like that, yeah, done trying.
Speaker 2:What did that look like?
Speaker 3:Done. Trying was when they're partying and not caring, except for, yeah, just not having to care of what, my behavior, of me behaving well and but still guilt free partying. I was just not trying. I'm not going to overanalyze everything anymore. I'm making sure that I'm doing everything correctly. And I met my husband actually after I ended that's so funny Now I think about it after I ended that situation ship A month later. That's when I met my husband. That's what's up. And the thing is, I just wanted a decent date. I joined match. I was like I just want one decent date, that's it and. And that decent date turned to to man I've been married to, for it'll be five years in November.
Speaker 2:That's what's up. So did the guilt free way you were living, did it come without consequences, or were you was like just now better?
Speaker 3:It was better in terms of my anxiety Because I had it was coping mechanisms. It was better in the sense of temporarily that's where it's going to go now Fun, temporary coping with everything like schools, like studying and everything was so stressful, but I'm going to have fun with my friends. But. But we did. But I still try like I still love God. So I'd still go to church, I'd still get a blessing from the message. I'd still I think, yeah, my before mitches, my husband's agnostic, and we would do. Bible says I was like oh, in my head I was like, oh, he doesn't know a good God is yet. So we did Bible says of pass out with me actually. But this was my attempt of we're doing the Bible says I was like, ok, because my I'd still live under the shame guilt mindset, but it wasn't as. It wasn't as bad because I wasn't trying as hard, I wasn't trying, I was just being and. But I still wanted to be more like or behave better. So I was like maybe I'll just do Bible says so maybe I'm like to feel to understand what I need to do to be better, and so that's why. And then, plus, I was like, oh, and then my husband's agnostic, maybe he'll learn to love God too, and then Christian is not bad. And so we started doing that your pastoral idea and trying to understand like, why do we do Like? Why do we not eat unclean needs? Why do we do ABC and D? It wasn't like I was trying to get to the rules. I was trying to find out the rules and the reason behind the rules, because maybe if I understand the reason behind the rules then I'll just change.
Speaker 2:Did you end up finding them out? Did you find out the reason?
Speaker 3:No, not really. No, it didn't not in an impactful way. It was like this is what it is. This is why we don't eat unclean meat, for the Bible says so and there's health benefits and it's OK. That sounds good. That's why we do ABC and D and everything sounded good but didn't really. They're just didn't seem that important to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, if we're doing anything to be right with God, we have to understand right away that we're in a legalistic mindset. If we're doing, if the reason you don't do something is just because the Bible said it Now hear me out. It's not a bad idea. If the Bible says that you shouldn't be sexually promiscuous and you don't understand it, is it a bad idea to then still be sexually promiscuous even if you don't understand it? No, it's still a good idea to not do that, because there are consequences. But when we know who he is, we know, oh, he's not actually here to be the fun police. Like sexuality is so important and we're only meant to share with someone who we know that we're safe, we know there's nobody leaving, we know there's covenant and so then we can experience that. But if we don't know that, then it just does feel like a rule. It doesn't. We don't see his heart, we don't understand and, like I said, yeah, even if you don't understand, it's still. There's still consequences, right, but it's better that if we do understand.
Speaker 3:Exactly, exactly. But in my head I was just like oh, there's something wrong with me. So there's something wrong with me. I'm like I, because I'm doing this and but God says did not do it, and I just fall into that, there's I just. I'm just my brain's wired differently and there's something wrong with me.
Speaker 2:And the truth is your brain is wired like a human being who wants to be loved and wants to love. There was never anything wrong with you outside of. Maybe you didn't understand the righteousness that you had, you didn't know your inheritance, you didn't know that all the things that you were searching for you already had. That that will bring problems, right, yeah, but there was nothing wrong with you. You're a human being created for desires to love and be loved.
Speaker 3:It's all deception. It was all deception.
Speaker 2:You. You're doing that for a while. You're living in guilt free, whatever. What happened next?
Speaker 3:Life after life was to me was good at the time, because I did not have that pressure to to perform and and I just wanted to love on people and just be a good human being and and so yeah. So I was like after that, like life was pretty, pretty good, but it wasn't until things took a turn when my mom passed away, and that's when my world fell apart. And instead of because I wasn't I wasn't like a person that would party all the time, but it was but when my mom passed away, I took up smoking because I needed release and I needed it now, and I wasn't on any anti-anxiety medications, I was on anti-depressant, I just needed. I need something and I need it now. And and so I took up smoking.
Speaker 4:When I found a smoker.
Speaker 3:I was a smoker, not a pack a day, but probably three cigarettes a day. But then of course, over time that things, those things are addicting and you start smoking even more. But it was after my mom's cancer diagnosis that I started smoking. How?
Speaker 2:is that ironic?
Speaker 3:Yeah, it really is, it really is.
Speaker 2:I was all like oh, You're like these things, literally.
Speaker 3:Like let me just increase my odds here. Yeah, and I would have severe panic attacks, Like I was able to. I was on that borderline with my anxiety, where it's okay, I'm white knuckling it, but I'm able to cope and I'm able to get through. And that was when, like it was like nope, sweep you up stuff through your feet and I would literally freeze and be paralyzed. I'd be pumping gas or be at the gas station and I couldn't move and yeah, so that was what really rocked my world to where, like my depression, my anxiety that I've been struggling with, that I had been struggling with it, just overtook everything to where I was barely functioning.
Speaker 2:So how long after she got her diagnosis did she pass Three months? Oh my goodness.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:So it was very. I mean, it's not like a year would be better. It's all sad, no matter how you slice it, but that's fast.
Speaker 3:It was super fast and my sister, malinga and I we would take turns taking care of her for those three months. She'd go down for three, rearrange our schedules so that she could go down for three or four days. I'd go down for three, four days for the rest of them. But yeah, that was great. But something else.
Speaker 2:I remember I probably shared this on the podcast before. But the difference between somebody like how old was your mom when she passed, she was, I think, oh my goodness.
Speaker 3:So it's been four years, so she was 64. She was shy for 60 birthdays, so she was 64.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I may have shared this even on Malinga's episode the difference between someone who's a newborn passing, someone who's 64 passing and someone who's 120 passing, what is the difference? And the truth is there is no difference. All of it is an affront. All of it is nothing that we were supposed to ever know or experience or learn about. Like. All of it is a foreign intruder, right. Whether, oh, she lived to be 64. In the mind of God, life is forever. He didn't create so that someone could pass. He created just to be around. And whether it's, oh, this person's life got cut short. A child passes away. Well, it's certainly it's sad, right, but everyone who dies before living forever, it's cut short, and so it's all sad, and then it's all been reconciled and made beautiful in him, and we know that and that's the hope we hold on to. But it's still something that we were never supposed to understand or experience or even have to deal with, like when you're talking about grief like when you're bargaining and you're doing all this stuff. We're not built for it. We're not built to understand this.
Speaker 3:And that was that was the toughest, the toughest time dealing with that hurt and that hopelessness and that helplessness of losing her. And that was also one of my greatest fears growing up was losing a family member. I actually prayed that God, please let me die first, because I don't want to go through that. But yeah, so I ended up clinging on to all sorts of coping mechanisms to try to get through her passing and I knew that I would see her again. I still had this confidence that I was going to see her again, even though in my eyes I still wasn't sure to my salvation or anyone's salvation. I just I found that I'm like I'll see her again, I will see her again and I put hope in that and I'd lean, I would pray, but my prayers what I've noticed is with my prayers it was always like the father didn't feel near. Did that make sense? It was always like I'm praying to somebody from far away and maybe he'll take my request, maybe he won't. I know he hears me, but he's just a far away God, he's not near. And yeah, that turned into years of finding every not just finding ways to cope with her death and go into therapy and just working through that.
Speaker 2:Was the therapy helpful.
Speaker 3:It was and it was helpful by. All therapists are equal, I would say that. So there's elements that were helpful, and especially in discovering or after her, especially time after finding out, trying to find out why I'm so anxious and why I'm so depressed or why I'm stuck in these negative thought patterns, and just trying to always trying to go back to her reason or find out the reason why I'm like this and what I thought. My mom also. She struggled with undiagnosed mental illness. We believe it was schizophrenia and she would If the sky is blue, sky is blue and she's convinced the sky is green. She cannot convince her otherwise and she'll argue with you into your face, turned blue, about it. And with that came a lot of embarrassment and what is she going to say next? Or a lot of anxiety surrounded by with surrounding and what is she going to do? Or what is she going to say next? And trying to try and get her to like when she gets in those arguments with people or situations, trying to corral her away and redirect. And so I came to a realization that I was always growing up in that fight or flight mode and but then, when I came to that realization, the therapy helped me come to that realization. And with that realization I was like, okay, then depression, anxiety, is just something I'm just going to struggle with for the rest of my life. That's my identity. And I was like, oh, what if I was like? What if I, when I grow up, but like big people used to tell me my mom used to be, she was normal? She wasn't always like this, and so I was like what does that happen to me? What if I become like her? I was like there's something inherently wrong with me. So what if I was? That? That's my destiny, that's what I have to be. It's what? Oh no, it was a whole rabbit hole of fear and anxiety.
Speaker 2:For sure. Yeah, mental health. I think my favorite definition of mental health is mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs, to live in reality at all costs. And I think that's super cool for those of us who are in Christ, because our reality has changed. When Jesus died, was buried and resurrected, like literally the reality of the universe changed where everybody who was ever born was in Christ at his death, and so everyone has that, would they know it, would they believe it? And so mental health is my and yours and mine, like where we set our mind in the truth as it is at all costs, whether we feel something, whether we see something different. Reality is I'm new. Reality is I don't have to live by my old pattern. Reality is I don't like I'm not sin, waiting to happen, that I am redeemed, that I actually want good, that I'm a slave to holiness. If that's what mental health is, then let's go. But if mental health is something else like taking, I don't know, there's so much that definition has been taken over right.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so you're. So the therapy was good in some ways, and in other ways it wasn't as helpful as you wanted it to be, and you just kept trying to cope with this loss.
Speaker 3:Yeah. So that's yeah, that's pretty much what had been happening and I decided to. I decided to go get my nurse practitioner and start school a year after her death and now I had this therapy was, it was okay. And then I got into school and I found something with school that I could pour my, my, my, my identity in, or put my identity in as a future nurse practitioner. And I I started, I was what's it called. I poured some perfectionism and striving and my, my best efforts and my pride in my schooling. But the thing is I, with my nurse practitioner, I fucking got it as I was doing it for the money and to make my family proud and the title and their stuff that comes with the title, versus being something that I actually wanted to do for myself and so that. So I was all like I have my issues, but guess what? I'm getting my nurse practitioner and I'm going to do well and I'm doing well and, yeah, that's part of my badge of honor, part of my pride, and nobody can say anything with my issues I'm struggling with because I'm pouring my efforts into becoming this person and it all was a temporary, while I'm also smoking and trying to cope them. It was all just a temporary relief or my solution to feeling at peace with myself.
Speaker 2:How'd that go?
Speaker 3:Oh it was. It was not great. I ended up okay every semester. Students school's hard, so you go through those moments where you're doing it. But then I always remind myself, like why am I doing this? Why am I doing this? To make something of my? These? I'm going to be, my hour's going to be great, I get my family respect, I'm doing well, I'm performing well. This is it. And then I didn't like being. I didn't like to stay in Nebraska and all I see. I didn't like the winters. I wanted to do travel, nursing and just experience other states and other healthcare.
Speaker 2:So where did you end up going?
Speaker 3:I ended up doing travel nursing in Albuquerque, New Mexico, Seattle, Washington, Oklahoma and Arizona. Oh, okay, that sounds like fun yeah. It was a lot of fun and until it wasn't it's, we had a lot of great travels and great experiences. But even in that season of going places and doing cool thing, if I wasn't doing those things I was still sad, depressed. Thank you, sir, but that's just who I am and this is my coping. Like this, is it Like I can go out and we'll have a good day, and then they'll have a bad day and then that's just.
Speaker 2:This is what life is Would your husband be traveling with you?
Speaker 3:He did. He quit his job and traveled with me. We traveled by two cats.
Speaker 2:Sounds like an adventure.
Speaker 3:It was.
Speaker 2:So what happened?
Speaker 3:It all came to head Like school. Even though I was doing well, it was just became. It was harder. I was not motivated, I just I was. My depression and my anxiety were ramping up, it seemed, and it made doing schoolwork and doing everything else much harder and it was a struggle. It was a struggle to perform. It was a struggle to study and get things done the way that I wanted or used to. But I still made decent grades, I still made that to good grades and we decided to move back to Omaha permanently and so that we just got tired of traveling every few months and wanted to move back home and be around family and establish a routine. But in that I was very depressed and even towards the end of my traveling, like I would stay in bed for weeks. It would not, I would not want to get out of bed and I'm all like this is. And my husband would be like, do you want to go outside? Do you want to see the sun? And I'm like, no, I'm okay. And even when we went on our adventures it was okay. I could, let's I'll, I can make it. I muster up the strength to do it. We'll go out, but then go back and then still be stuck in just laying bed binge watching Netflix binge watching Netflix doom scrolling. I want to check out for this one. Check out this world, not use any brainpower.
Speaker 2:How long ago was that Like? When the like in the middle of this thing?
Speaker 3:Oh man, it started, especially it was back in October, or the pandemic, or the after the pandemic. No, it was during the pandemic. It was October of 2021.
Speaker 2:What was the plan to get out of this malaise?
Speaker 3:The plan was therapy and just learning to cope with it and using my own coping mechanisms. That was just. That was all I had for myself. I was going to church. I stopped going to church. I knew like I believed in God, but he wasn't.
Speaker 2:He went in terms of I'm like saying, but where is he in your mind, right?
Speaker 3:He's not there, but where are you at Exactly? He was distant, he's not helping me. He's not helping me right now, so I'm just going to do everything to help myself or to cope and so, but it just it was progressively got worse and I started going to therapy. I switched to a different therapist and I went there a period. It's like you know what I think my problem is. I always had solutions for my own problems. I think my problem was that need to embrace the bad things in life, so I've always been super anxious. If you ask anybody that knows me, I don't. I don't like murder stuff. I don't like thrillers. I would like if something has a mystery at the end I look up what the ending is, so I can have peace and I can like okay, I know what the ending is, so, let's, we can watch this.
Speaker 2:Do you watch a lot of shows?
Speaker 3:I used to.
Speaker 2:They say that what people rewatch is because of anxiety, because they know they can just watch in comfort, because they know the end and they don't have to worry about what happens. And so they just rewatch because of anxiety.
Speaker 3:I do that with movies. So my anti-anxiety movie was Hello Dolly, it's Sunshine and Rainbows. But yeah, that was. That was something that I'm like. That's my issue. I'm an adult and I need to embrace these things. I cannot be scared of them, I just need to face it. But to me, doing that was it's so silly.
Speaker 2:But that's a step for sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah. And the thing is my therapist. He told me just do, you, don't have to embrace all these things, just do what makes you, makes you happy, like what brings you joy. And I was just like I like kids movies. I'm a baby in that regard to where I like my Disney movies because they're happy endings, sunshine and rainbows. But I was avoiding that because I'm like I'm an adult, I can't be watching Disney movies. I got to embrace this Like I'm scared of everything. I need to stop being scared of everything and embrace it. Let's go. I watched a Disney movie and I felt so much better and I was like that was nice.
Speaker 2:So watching the Disney movies is a good thing then.
Speaker 3:It was. It was it was To him. If it makes you feel better, then just do it, and I was like okay.
Speaker 2:Oh, what's the one that makes you feel the best?
Speaker 3:I love Moana man. I think she's such a boss.
Speaker 2:So you're on that. The therapy was helping in small ways, or maybe in some big ways.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, it really helped me. I think what that therapist really helped me understand and do is like taking care of myself and also being okay with being who I am. If you like Disney movies, then watch the Disney movie. And I was like, okay, that's solid, I'll do that and that's okay. I was like, okay, this is okay, I'm okay. I'm also okay with being in bed and not seeing the sun and I'm going to try to start exercising and try doing all these things for mental health. But at the same time, I'm okay. But underlining, something was always missing and my heart, something was missing. So, yeah, even though I was okay with myself and I was, life just was mundane and it was just boring and it was just same old, same old, same thing. It's like this is what life is all about. It's just we're just going through life being okay and I just got tired of it and I would go through. I got super. I was getting more and more depressed with the okay life, with the just coping with my negative thoughts, trying to, I thought, my negative thought patterns. Everybody feels that way and it's because of all these things that happen in our past and it's just part of life and and we can try to take care of our bodies, try to reframe or have or reframe our thoughts, and everybody feels this way. We just everybody just does the best that they can and that's just part of who I am and I just need to just go through life like this. But I was not happy with it at all and actually we'll start in February for my sister's 40th birthday. She had a birthday party and had all her, my brother-in-law arranged for all her friends to come in and we want to. I wasn't going to church at the time but we went to church and I felt uncomfortable, but in the best way, because I saw people were in the Adventist church worshiping freely, like it was not they're not, I don't know. It was different. It was like they weren't worried about what people were thinking. They're just there and just worshiping open and freely, and that was something I never seen or I feel like I witnessed in the Adventist church and. But I was in there and I felt uncomfortable because I feel like when you go to church you have to perform, you have to behave. I don't know that whole mindset of.
Speaker 2:Sounds whack to me what you're describing.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it was whack. We call it my brother and I call it Wackdonals.
Speaker 2:Yeah, sounds like some Wackdonals.
Speaker 3:It sounds like this is a way and it was my the fact that my sister suggested it and I always looked up to her, her faith and her spiritual walk, like how she performs and behaves perfectly. I was like, as she suggested this, I was like, if this is the way the Adventism is going, I'm like I might dabble back in, I might just dabble. And then Cheryl, that night she was there and she mentioned how she they're going to do a Bible study on Wednesday and she's like, yeah, we're going to do it with love reality. It's called unaffended. And so I was like, can I come?
Speaker 2:Did you know anything about love reality at that point?
Speaker 3:I did Actually back. I think it was when with Tyler and Morgan's episode. I listened to it and but I thought that they were doing something right. I was like to me I was never there's something. I had this mindset that there's something wrong with me. And then there's other people there's nothing wrong with them and they're just doing something right. And I remember I reached out to Tyler after I listened to their podcast and I wanted to talk to Morgan because I was just like with her podcast. She talked about her pink, sparkly bubble and and how there was a rumor that went around her Like how did you talk to her? No, I didn't, and I love you, tyler. He was supposed to pass on and give her the message, but I think he got distracted and he's thinking but it's okay.
Speaker 2:Did you listen to Mulanga's episode?
Speaker 3:I did and I just thought but to? And my deception. I just thought, oh, there's something inherently wrong with me and I'm not doing something right. I thought you always had to do something right Because people are behaving right. They're doing it right. So how do I do what they're doing or how do I get over whatever they got over to behave right?
Speaker 2:And that is the ultimate deception when you think about it, because those stories are filled with people not doing things right. Yeah, like really screwing up their lives.
Speaker 3:Man, I don't know what in the world. Holy Spirit, it's amazing, it is. It blew my mind. So I so she invited me to the, or she invited. She told me about the Love Reality phone number and I got. I was just like I was worried. She even tells people to stay about it. And I was like, do you talk in the Bible setting? And she's all no, you don't have to, you don't have to put your camera on, like, you can just listen. And I was like, okay, good Cause, I have social anxiety and I don't want to talk, I just want to listen and be a fly on the lawn. She's like you can just see, you don't have to turn your camera on. But she said, like in the background oh, she's got, she thinks she has social anxiety. Oh God, I'm going to free her from that. And I remember in the podcast, or Morgan's podcast, she talks about how Eddie like would call her out and I was just all. I was terrified of Eddie and I went to internet church. I was terrified of him. I was like, oh, I just don't want him. I'm like I don't want anybody calling me out. But I remember I went to internet church and we broke up into small groups. The first time I went to internet church, we broke out into small groups and I was in Eddie's group and I was like it's crazy, I did not. Yeah, I was like I don't want, the chances are. I was like and I'll just put L up, I don't want people to know that I'm here. And I was just like like looking into love reality and I listened to the gospel in seven minutes and I remember listening to it and I was like, huh, that sounds good, that's good, but whatever. So and yeah, the thing is, I remember I was contemplating if this is all that life is. I don't want to be on this earth. And I remember that week my husband was. He had a work trip first and he was going to his bachelor party trip Not week and I was like, oh, I was thinking about ending my life and I was like if that would be like the week that I would, because then he wouldn't be around. But something about love reality and listening to the podcast and listening to people get free, and then listening to gospel in seven minutes. I came to conclusion that week while he was gone on his first leg of his work trip. I was like I don't want to live in this world without God. And Mitch heard like I told him that and he was like, okay, people find their own spiritual locks and that's that works for you and that works for you. I support you. And I'm like, okay, you left for his work trip. And that's when I was hit with the Holy Spirit. This is what it meant, and it was like a slap in the face of what the gospel in seven minutes. What it truly meant, and that is that Holy Spirit resides in us, god, jesus. Christ is in me and I am in him and my identity is in him. And I don't have to Sorry, I just lost my mind I don't have to listen to the lies of the prayer of being a slave to depression and anxiety. I don't have to identify and put power over my past or my shortcomings and sorry, but hold on. But all that, my past, my shortcomings, my, my behavior didn't matter, because Christ resides in me and my power and my how do I say it? God loves me and I'm his daughter and he sees me as he looks to Christ, which really is well pleased, and he looks at me that way and that I don't have to try for him, because he loves me and I'm his daughter. I don't have this drive, I think, just be like this whole thing of, oh, you're depressed, you, just you, just that's who you are. You're anxious, that's just who you are. No, that's not who I am. I am child of the most high God, who is a victor over the universe, and I'm no longer a victim of my circumstances. I'm no longer a victim of anything that happens to me, because he's victor when his son lives inside me, like all those things I was believing. That's no, those were lies. But and I'm fully and perfectly loved, and because I'm imperfectly loved, I have the freedom to live in that identity of the Christ in me and be empowered to walk in this world of confidence. I have a father that that takes care of me, that has been taking care of me, and I just was stuck in this deception, so far deep deception that I thought this life wasn't worth living.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're going to take a real quick break right now and I want to introduce to you my friend, Deity. Deity, my brother, how long have you been rocking with Good Gospel?
Speaker 4:I have been rocking with Good Gospel since January 16th 2022. That's a very specific day. Yeah, it was the day that friend of mine told me to listen to the first episode with Tyler Morrison, and I remember I was driving home from work and you know that scene in Jaws where the dude who read this is what's going on and the camera pans in but then zooms out. Yes, the dolly shot that was happening to me. The dolly shot that was like an hour and a half for me, Just that happening.
Speaker 2:I need to hear your whole story. How has Good Gospel affected your life, my friend?
Speaker 4:The most impressive thing for me was how rotten I had had it For such a long time. I didn't really understand what the Gospel was and how it actually liberated me and what it would actually do to my life. And once I heard it it became like you always hear this. I became lighter and I also felt compelled to tell everyone I could possibly find about it, and that kind of reminds me of the effect that Jesus has on people's lives.
Speaker 2:Looking at you, woman, at the well, man, you decided to go a step further and donate your hard earned finances to help this ministry continue. Why have you gone that far? What has compelled you?
Speaker 4:Because, honestly, it was just realizing that I want everybody to have that moment where they're like oh the father, long snake, you kidding me. That's what I want people to experience. There was the same way that I experienced it, or even better, and if it wasn't for supporting the ministry, I don't think that could happen.
Speaker 2:Man. We're going to get your story on here one of these days, my friend, but you're a testimony and you're a blessing to us and if you would like, if you're listening and you would like to help bless this and continue this ministry going forward in this podcast, you can go to loverealityorg slash give Loverealityorg slash give and you can donate to this podcast and we can get this out there, because we want the whole world to hear that they're free from and dead to sin. So thanks, deedee, for coming on. Man, I appreciate you. My brother, I'm getting close to tears here. You're just describing this hit you after you watched the gospel in seven minutes, or do you even not? Do you know when it was that in those weeks, as you were going to internet church or you were starting to listen to the podcast again?
Speaker 3:It was literally. It was. It took a little bit. After I watched that video the first time I watched it several times, but it was when I audibly confessed to my husband that I don't want to live in this world without God and he left that it finally clicked and I rewatched it and I was like, oh my goodness, holy Spirit was like telling me all these things and released me Literally. It felt like my eyes were open and all these lies I was believing, the Holy Spirit filled. Those are lies, those are the deception. This is the gospel. And oh man, yeah, I texted Pastor Alamea and I told him I thanked him for his testimony because he's always been like. He's one of those pastors I always respected. He wasn't judgmental to me and he was always loving and he was always I don't know, he was a great spiritual leader and making us not feel judged. Whenever we did Bible studies with him and I sainteed him for his vulnerability, from his death to life episode. And he asked me I forgot what happened, but I mentioned love realities he's like what, what have you heard about love reality? And I was like or what are you getting from love reality? I forgot what the question was exactly, but I just told him how I found pretty much spilling that, realizing that God's spirit resides in me and that my journey is in sonship and daughtership are the most high God and that we don't have to live and sleep to sin and that we are righteous and we have righteousness now and it's not something we have to wait for or work towards. We have, it's ours and he's man. You sound free. I was like I guess I am free. I was just reading this message you sent me.
Speaker 2:You sent me a long message and I said I used to do mushrooms and never had a bad trip mushrooms that help with my depression better than any other medication. And then you're just talking about all this stuff. That happened two times that you thought you committed, that you wanted to commit suicide, felt dead inside. And then this is where you said because of Jesus, we are righteous and free from sin. If you truly believe it, then the burden of sin is covered by the blood of Jesus. It's not there for you to do whatever we want, but as a result, we are changed. Death to life to me is a death to our egos and a life and life to the righteousness paid by Jesus Christ. Naturally, you believe it will change you. My anxiety may be there, but it has no power and control over me because I know who I am through, who he is. This is the message. This on March 20. And this couldn't have been that long after you started and you were just on fire.
Speaker 3:I was nobody to shut me up. I felt really bad. No, just kidding, I was so excited and I yeah, I was just everybody that I could tell it to. I told it to. I think my family got the brunt of most of it. But yeah, that is it, that is the gospel, that is it. That's whole lie. I believe in that. I need to perform, I need to behave, I need to try harder. I'm like, oh, there's something inherently wrong with me. Oh my goodness, oh goodness, I just can't get it right. You're like, no, that's not what it's about. That's not what it's about. It's about being perfectly loved. What Perfectly loved. The cross paid it. And when you realize how loved you are and who you are, you go walk in confidence and, oh my goodness, I could just, I don't know, I don't know. It's just amazing. That whole week I was just so excited. I don't know if internet church is that weak because I was on fire.
Speaker 2:I think I put you on my Bible study. I'm like yo, you need to come and testify on my Bible study and you're like say less.
Speaker 3:With that revelation and that freedom, I have never been so generally happy and free in my life. That was genuine joy. That is genuine joy. We have that and it's all by the power of the cross. It goes paid and it's been paid. And we and it's just. The father of lies has us thinking that we are something else. He attacks our identity to make us feel like we are enslaved to sin or we are not royalty. We can't depend on the father, we can't go to him. He tried to create that separation by making this or creating these deceptions that we're not good enough or there's something wrong with us, or we're always going to struggle with this, or you're always going to be a failure or you're going to fall. So try harder and you're going through life carrying this burden of striving and performing and perfecting, when that's not the gospel. The gospel is a father that loves you and the cross was paid. The cross was there and powers you to move and confident that you can rely on God and go to him for everything and anything and all your ways. Acknowledge him and he'll make your path straight. Come to me. All who are weary and heavy-laden, right, he said. Come to me Like you walk with him Like he's not somebody, that you just pay your question and you hope the answer is a no. You walk with him, but we get to talk with him. We get to walk with him and we get to weigh everything down on his feet and have that faith that he's going to be a good father and he's going to deliver. And he's got you.
Speaker 2:Larson.
Speaker 3:And that's because he loves you and that you are son, you are daughter. We are all, it's all ours. But Well, yeah, claim it, I should say claim it.
Speaker 2:When your husband is going to go on this trip and you're literally considering hurting yourself, taking your life when he comes back from this trip. What is he? What is he? Fine.
Speaker 3:He noticed, he mentioned he noticed I was more lovey-dovey while he was away and then when he comes back and he sees me like I love this new and empowered lombe, and but he thought he started to beat himself up because he's maybe on the reason why she's unhappy. And I told him, like it has nothing to do with you, they had nothing to do with you. I told him that I loved him, that I love him and that there's nothing that came later with my revelations with God that I've been having, but that I told him how I found freedom in Jesus and my denny as his daughter, and that I no longer have to be carry the burden of my depression or my anxiety and that it has no power over me and that God is the victor of the universe and he's going to take care of me and he's going to take care of us. And that's when I came to that realization of what the true gospel is. That is what brought me that, this joy, that's what my Christ in me that is powering me, that's Christ in me that is bringing this peace and this joy that surpasses understanding, like it has nothing to do with you and I love you.
Speaker 2:What did he say to that?
Speaker 3:He's just like, oh okay. But it's been a journey later when, in this walk, so God has been showing me how to love others right, and in that love, I expressed to my husband that like I realized that I there's nothing that he can do that'll make me love him more or less, and that I loved him. There's nothing he can do my expectations. God revealed to me ways I wasn't loving my husband and I told him that and he's I love you too. And he's feeling that love and even to this day he tells people this is so much healthier than the gospel that he grew up with and that and he's all, all, all bored on me raising our kids in freedom. I think I've told you that and that it's a beautiful thing and he can see the freedom in me and the new person that I am and he supports it, he loves it, and I said moments where he grieved a little bit, but God has been showing me. I feel like the lovely thing about this relationship, that restoration, a relationship with our father, is that when we interact with people, we get talking out with him, we can come to him and be like God. How do you want me to navigate the situation, father, this is what. This is the way I'm feeling, and I know feelings are not Lord, and I'm giving this to you and I'm not carrying it anymore. I laid out your feet and trusting and knowing that he's faithful and he's delivered, and he will deliver and he's guiding you through this life.
Speaker 2:Well, let me ask you this If you two questions, when you were considering hurting yourself and you're thinking about the state of mind that you were in, what would you describe that as?
Speaker 3:I would describe it as like a despair. I felt like I was enslaved to I like to call rabbit holes. It felt like I was in a deep well that I would never, ever get out of. I should say so. I was in a rabbit hole of all of that this, all these things that I was carrying, my anxiety, my I'm never good enough or I was done with carrying that. But this is all that life is, and I don't want to be a part of it. And I was just didn't see a way out. And so my way out, what? Or my way out was to end my life. So I could. It was just like I was stuck in this deep well of, I would say, deception that I didn't want to escape from, but I could not.
Speaker 2:Based on what you knew at the time or what you believed at the time. Was it a rational thought, still, or was it irrational? Was the problem the irrational thought or was the problem the misunderstanding of any kind of truth?
Speaker 3:I would say it was a misunderstanding of any kind of truth, because I how do I say it? My, I could not find that sustaining soul, sustaining happiness, and I thought this is what this is all that life is meant to be Like. This is the trap that was falling under was okay, this is it to life. If this is it that I don't want to be part of it. If this, what light, all light, and I'm just going to struggle in this uncomfortable feeling and comfortable thought pattern and just try to cope my way through it. I was tired of doing that. I was tired of it. And they say that when someone tries to, when someone decides in their life, what they're trying to do is find peace. And yeah, I just thought there was no peace in sight. There's coping mechanisms that can cover up all that. That milky wolf, I don't know, turns your brain off for the moment. It makes you feel like crap the next day or just everything. I don't know how to say it To me. I just wanted to find. I wanted to find peace, but I was stuck in a rabbit hole that I felt like I could not get out of, and that rabbit hole was just all lies.
Speaker 2:If you could go back to Oklahoma State in whatever year you were and you see yourself and you see the guilt, condemnation, shame, and into the next year, sweet lumbay, who's like knuckling it, really trying hard because of the sincere heart that you have. But you could pull her aside and put your arm around her and say, hey, babe, listen, what would you tell that girl?
Speaker 3:I would tell her that she is so loved. There is nothing wrong with her, that she has Christ in her and you have a father in heaven that loves her so much and he's got you. I know it's easier said than done, but don't worry, you're not meant to carry that burden. You're not meant to believe the lies that you're not enough, that you're not worthy. You have a father that loves you and you can go to him for everything and he's here. He's not far away. He's here and he's listening and Christ lives in you and he sees you as he sees Christ. So don't try, don't beat yourself up. He loves you. You're fearfully and wonderfully made and you're a beautiful daughter. Bluck out the noise and walk in the apartment that you have as daughter of the Most High.
Speaker 2:Let's go. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Speaker 3:Thanks for having me.
Speaker 2:Absolutely. You are a testimony to us. Harold was on fire. He sent us all a message Lombay gets it, she's free. And on this text thread we have, we were just all pumped.
Speaker 3:We feel like angels.
Speaker 2:When the angels heard about Lombay, they were like, let's go. Like when God shut the lion's mouth, the angels were like and he's God, ari Furnace, check Daniel. And the lion's then check. But when Lombay sees the truth of who she is in Jesus Christ, they celebrate. See that there's a difference. They celebrate when you see the truth about yourself, because that's a miracle. Sure, it's a miracle when God does something, but that's God doing it. It's a miracle when someone receives the truth over who they are. So we felt that same way. We were just like let's go, and so you're a testimony and you're a blessing to us, thank you.
Speaker 3:Thank you for you guys. I just want to thank you guys so much. I encourage you to keep preaching that Good gospel Can't stop now.
Speaker 2:Thanks, lombay. This episode is so powerful to me just to show that, even when we're thinking rationally, if our premise is lies, if the premise of the foundation is lies, then it doesn't matter how rational you are or how rationally you're thinking, the end result will not be good. And that spoke to me a lot when I was asking her that question of did she feel like she was thinking about things rationally when she was considering taking her own life? And right now, if you're listening to this and that is what you're going through, if you're considering this and you heard this episode, this is my prayer for you. I want you to pray this in your heart, pray it out loud, because I want you to know the truth about yourself. Father in heaven, thank you that my life is worth living. Thank you that you sent your son to give me life, and he has. I was dead in my sins and transgressions. I was lost, but now I'm seeing that there is a chance for life, because your word says that that is what you gave me. And so, no matter what I'm feeling right now, if the thoughts aren't coming from you, I reject them. I reject any thought of harming myself. I reject any thought that would lead to me believing that this world is better off without me. If you put me in this world, then it's important to you. So it is important to me and thank you, that I'm safe in your arms and that my life is going to be lived, and it will honor you, people will see my good works and it will glorify you. Thank you that you freed me from this and you've shown me your heart. I love you In Jesus' name, amen.