Explore Sharon's inspiring journey of faith, from her upbringing in a Filipino extended family to her realization that her safety lies in the liberating power of the gospel. She shares her challenges in navigating an Adventist college, her struggles with legalism, and her complicated journey into marriage and parenting within her faith. Sharon's candid account covers her self-imposed rules that strained her relationships, the turning point that mended her marriage, and her transformative journey of righteousness. Discover her remarkable encounter with God's love, forgiveness, and the newfound peace she found in her identity in Christ. Sharon's story highlights the transformative power of God's faithfulness through Jesus.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation Through Adversity
18:34 - Journey Into Church Communities
28:29 - From Water to Rules
39:46 - Overcoming Shame and Protecting Children
48:58 - Struggles With Parenting and Faith
1:07:32 - Improving Marriage and Lingering Fears
1:12:40 - Journey of Triggering and Healing
1:25:31 - Finding Freedom and Love in God
1:42:15 - Finding Healing and Identity in God
keywords: faith, gospel, legalism, struggles, marriage, parenting, righteousness, God's love, forgiveness, peace, identity, transformative power.
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Explore Sharon's inspiring journey of faith, from her upbringing in a Filipino extended family to her realization that her safety lies in the liberating power of the gospel. She shares her challenges in navigating an Adventist college, her struggles with legalism, and her complicated journey into marriage and parenting within her faith. Sharon's candid account covers her self-imposed rules that strained her relationships, the turning point that mended her marriage, and her transformative journey of righteousness. Discover her remarkable encounter with God's love, forgiveness, and the newfound peace she found in her identity in Christ. Sharon's story highlights the transformative power of God's faithfulness through Jesus.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation Through Adversity
18:34 - Journey Into Church Communities
28:29 - From Water to Rules
39:46 - Overcoming Shame and Protecting Children
48:58 - Struggles With Parenting and Faith
1:07:32 - Improving Marriage and Lingering Fears
1:12:40 - Journey of Triggering and Healing
1:25:31 - Finding Freedom and Love in God
1:42:15 - Finding Healing and Identity in God
keywords: faith, gospel, legalism, struggles, marriage, parenting, righteousness, God's love, forgiveness, peace, identity, transformative power.
Find Dusty Boys at https://www.lovereality.org/podcasts then cancel them!
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.
Speaker 2:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 1:I made a promise I would never, ever, let anything like this happen to my children. So if you imagine how legalistic I was when I was a hyper-vigilant adolescent, imagine me being a hyper-vigilant mom. I was determined I was going to do whatever it took to keep my kids safe.
Speaker 2:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my sister, sharon, and I am emotionally spent. We just finished this recording. Sharon's story is about a woman who needed safety, so she turned to rules, she turned to legalism to keep her safe, and it does not provide the safety that she thought it would provide. And this is a story about parenting, a story about marriage, a story about death. But, man, the life is so beautiful and this story will encourage you so much. There is talk of suicidal thoughts in this episode and it deals with some very, very heavy themes. So I would recommend that you be careful how and where you listen to this. But you will be blessed, that is to be sure. So, man, buckle up, strap in. This is Sharon Love y'all, appreciate y'all. If you've heard one or two episodes of the Death to Life podcast, we let you decide where we're going to start this thing. So, on your journey, on your spiritual journey, where do you feel that story starts?
Speaker 1:We're going to start with some family background. I am the second of two daughters, and my parents and my sister all went to Adventist schools. Now my sister and I have an almost six-year gap, so I'm the younger one, and by the time that I came along at least the time that I remember we were no longer Adventists. At least my parents and my sister were not practicing Adventists. I don't know what happened. I don't know the reason why. I just don't have any recollection of going to church. Or I do remember a few family worships. I remember singing hymns and my dad would read from the Bible, but I didn't really have any relationship with God. To me, god was just somebody that my parents read about in the Bible and prayed to, but I didn't have any personal relationship with Him. By the time I got to first grade, they sent me to an Adventist school. Now, we lived in a remote area and it was probably maybe a couple hours from the Adventist school, and so my parents decided that my sister and I were going to live with my grandparents during the school year Because my grandparents lived close by, to wear the school wash. But that school year I was very tall for a Filipino kid and I don't know how many Filipinos, but they're shorter people. Yes, they're shorter than me. So I remember distinctly coming to first grade and being so embarrassed that I was so much taller than the rest of the class. I was almost as tall as my teacher and the first grade. How tall was your teacher? Short also, but this is how tall I was. The academy and the elementary we shared the property and the only difference with the school uniform would be the elementary students had the jumper for the skirt and then the high school students didn't. Now I hated that jumper so I would always take it off and I would actually be asked to line up with the high school kids. That's how tall I was and I was very embarrassed because the other kids in class would tease me and say how many times have you been in first grade? Because they were saying you're so tall, you must have you're here as a repeat student. Very early on I had a very poor self image. I didn't like that. I was tall and I didn't like that. I was well developed for my age when we lived with my grandparents it's a typical Filipino extended family where it was a big house and everyone lived there. We had uncles, cousins. I have so many first cousins I think I have. My mom had 12 siblings. So imagine it was a big family and everyone just came and went and would hang out there, sometimes would live there for months, and then it was just everyone's house. And by the time I got to second grade, my parents decided, okay, they didn't like the arrangement of my sister and I being far away, I transferred to a Catholic school. Now again, even though I went to first grade Adventist school, I didn't consider myself an Adventist. But going to the Catholic school, my parents told me okay, we're Adventists, so when you get to school, you're not going to attend Mass, you're not going to pray the rosary. And so my classmates would ask, oh, why don't you attend Mass? Why are you excused? And I said, oh, because my family's Adventist. What does that mean? Oh, we don't eat pork and shrimp, we don't wear jewelry and we sometimes go to church on Saturdays. That was it. That was all I knew. So that's the background. Now, one thing that that that was the image of Adventism that I had in my mind. Now, sometime between I have blocked this from my memory so I don't know exactly when this happened but I was sexually assaulted by a family member while I was spending some time in my grandparents' house. Now I think I was so fairly young. All I could remember is that from then on, I felt very guilty about what happened. I didn't understand why. I was trying to come up with an explanation. Even at a young age, I was already very, very analytical. I go from cause to effect. So I was thinking all right, in this family dynamic, like everyone talks about everybody, even if you're just a little kid and you just listen to the aunts and uncles talk, you know what every single person did, and so I don't remember ever hearing that this has happened to anyone else. And so I was thinking oh, I must have done something wrong while I was singled out. Why is it that it happened to me? So I remember becoming hyper-vigilant. Then I was the youngest in our family of four, and before I would go to bed I would check all the doors and windows to make sure that they were locked, and I was always on the lookout. Ok, is something else bad going to happen to me? I was always, even as a young kid. I remember always being stressed because now I'm anticipating. Ok, I must come up with a plan so that this won't happen to me again. And I, unfortunately, maybe a year or so later, it happened again, and this time it was a different family member. And so I was thinking there must be really something wrong, right, because how can this even happen to different people? And yet they chose me, and so that made me even more let's just say more ashamed. I was very ashamed, I was very scared. I remember I don't remember ever being a carefree child, because I'm always on the lookout for OK, something doesn't feel right or OK. I came up with my own plan and my young brain. My plan was if I make sure that I always obey and follow all the rules and don't do anything wrong, then maybe that's the way for me to stay safe. And so there, that's where I think my attachment to rules started, because I had to find my own place of safety, and my solution was you know, just don't get any negative attention. If you behave, then maybe they'll be happy with you and nothing bad is going to happen again. So that's my background, but I do remember hating my body even more. So I was thinking OK, I need to make sure. How do I make sure I don't get any more unwanted attention, and so I didn't like it that when the cousins would joke around it. I was pretty well-developed for a young kid, even compared to my older cousins, and I hated it every time it was brought up. I really hated it and remember having a phase where I actually got pixie cuts because I don't want to look like a girl, so I had a boy's haircut. Just a lot of distorted images of who I was.
Speaker 2:All cultures are not. There's different things in different cultures, and one of the things in the Hispanic culture and maybe I'm hearing it might be the same in the Filipino culture is we end up talking about everybody's bodies. If you're skinny, if you're bigger, if you're taller, if you're shorter and none of it is good you can never win. If you're skinny, they make fun of you for being skinny. If you're a little heavier, they make fun of that, and it's always put in the negative. But it's a joke. It's always put in the negative and I think it's super hurtful, but it just ends up being a part of our culture and so it just gets passed on and people make fun of people because they got made fun of. And yeah, I think is that the same in the Filipino culture?
Speaker 1:Yes, and one thing that I resented growing up is particularly in our family. Promiscuous behavior or course jokes were considered normal and funny and I remember just detesting that In my mind. I don't know how anyone can make light of this, but that's just how it was. I remember always needing in the Philippines it was always hot. It's either raining or hotter. It's hot and raining or just dry and hotter. But I remember not being able to sleep unless I was fully covered by a blanket. It didn't matter if I was sweaty and I would surround myself with pillows just to feel safe. I needed to feel close to something, but something that wasn't dangerous. Pillows and blankets was it for me. I discovered early on that I was pretty good at two things I was very good at academics and I was very good at keeping rules and imposing it on others. Back in school they called that leadership qualities, but really that was being controlling right. But I found comfort in discovering that if I did really well in school and if I followed all the rules, it made my parents and my teachers very happy with me and it was a good place to be. That was an added stress, because now I'm thinking okay, I found something that I'm good at, but there's the pressure of you must maintain it right, because if this is my source of fulfillment and safety and identity, then there's the fear of losing that. I remember one of my teachers coming to me. There was a new student that came to the school. She was a transfer and several teachers came up to me and said you better make sure that you don't let this girl beat you, right. Nothing else is acceptable unless you're first place. And I remember being so stressed. I love school, yet I was very stressed because there's this thing oh, I won't be accepted again if I'm not number one. I need to be number one. So I always did my homework, I always studied. I miss goody two shoes. I would never let anyone have any opportunity to find anything wrong with me, because again I thought that's why bad things happened to me, because there must have been something wrong that they saw. I have to be misperfect. And I remember again, if I share stories, I want to assure the listeners that I love my family and I do understand that we all come from a background of just believing Satan's lies right. So I don't hold any grudge to whoever is mentioned, but when I was about to graduate elementary school and I remember my mom I know she was probably joking or it was meant to motivate me but she said if you finish first, if you're a valedictorian, I'm going to wear a silk dress at your graduation, but any other place it will be sackcloth, and it was funny in a way. Yet I took that to heart because there was this pressure. I was thinking okay, I'm only worth a certain thing if I'm first place. I must perform in order to be worthy. So again even though I say this as a cautionary tale to those who are dealing with children that even though you say you're joking around, it gets stuck there and it kind of forms a child's identity, right, and so that's very vivid in my mind.
Speaker 2:We were joking about that right, the stereotypical.
Speaker 1:and this is a joke and you're not a season or a bee, you're not a season or a bee, you're an Asian right, and all the Instagram or YouTube videos of those Asian kids. It's not just a joke, it's actually real. The pressure is real. We laugh about it, but it's not imaginary, let's just put it that way. So there really is pressure. Now we go on to high school. Oh, before hitting high school, I didn't have any church experience, right. So when I was probably 6th grade or first year in high school, my sister got invited by our neighboring Baptist church to lead their church choir. Now my sister's a musician and she invited me. She said I'm going to be there helping their choir, then you might as well come. And this was my very first exposure to a church community and I loved it. I just love the feeling of oh, I belong to this group. Now this Baptist church. They were a conservative bunch. I remember being frowned upon my pixie cut. My sister and I both had pixie cuts and in this Baptist church women were not allowed to have short hair and were not allowed to wear pants and we were part of the church. They still let us fellowship, but there was a big convocation of a bunch of different Baptist churches in the area and they had some kind of competition. There was some singing and there was some giving out declamation speeches and our church pastor said, oh, you should join in one of the categories. And I remember coming back and being told you are the best. But you were disqualified because of your haircut. And I remember thinking, wow, before, being the best was good enough in school, now there's an added layer. Now right, and I'm thinking, okay, I'm going to do what I've always done. I'm going to adapt. Will you give me new rules? I'm going to adapt and I'm going to meet them. That was added to my list of things to do so that I will be accepted. I remember being very sickly. I think it just wasn't identified, but I think I was having panic attacks as a kid, because I remember being I have fainting spells in school and I'd be bleeding and my mom would take me to the hospital and the doctors would say there's nothing wrong with you. One doctor said a merry heart doeth good like a medicine and I was thinking okay, there's another thing that's wrong with me. You're saying that I'm not a happy person. That's why my body is reacting this way, but no one ever did anything about it.
Speaker 2:I didn't know Were you a happy person.
Speaker 1:No, come to think. I know, because I was always stressed. I don't remember ever being carefree and happy. I'm just always on the lookout for, okay, what is it that's required of me this time? And no, I don't remember being happy. So during the time that we were in the Baptist church, my dad left us and went to the US. He got a job in the US and so it was just my mom and my sister and I that were left in the Philippines. And I remember getting a phone call. My dad would call us regularly and he said that he got he just got rebaptized into the Adventist church, and that was surprising for me. Again, I didn't really know anything about Adventism, although there was a joke going around in the Baptist church. They said oh, when you get to heaven and you're getting a tour, you get to this section that's fanstaffed and you're supposed to be quiet. And you ask oh, why are you quiet? Oh, that's the area for the Adventists and we don't want to disappoint them because they think they're the only ones here, right? That was the image of Adventism for me. And when he got rebaptized into the Adventist church, he decided that he was going to send me to an Adventist college. I did not like that. I was not happy because I got attached to my Baptist church family and I felt like I was being uprooted and taken away and getting sent to this school that was far from civilization. Was Philippine Union College, it's Adventist University or the Philippines now? But I was there in Cavite, maybe I spent so long, but back then, when the roads weren't fixed, it was like four hours away from Manila.
Speaker 2:And that's where you grew up, in Manila.
Speaker 1:Yes, by the time I got there my sister was already part of the faculty. She was a music teacher and I didn't like it that I didn't get to be in the dorm like the other people. Remember, I don't like being different because I feel like that calls attention to myself. So I want to be like the other kids, right, and here I am thinking I'm already coming into this late because all of these people, like my classmates, were also freshmen. They've been in Adventist schools from elementary through Academy and they all knew one another and I was the only newbie, right, and here I was not even joining them in the dorm. So I had a hard time forming connections. But eventually I discovered that, oh, new set of rules. I just keep adding to my list and, being the goody-to-tooshoos that I am, I said, no problem, right, what's a few more rules? Right, I can keep a few more. And I started joining Bible studies. Now it's sad to admit, but I must be honest in saying that, even in the Baptist church, I came into the church not knowing anything and I was very embarrassed that these kids that were much younger than me knew a lot of things in the Bible. I didn't even know the books of the Bible and they tell me to open the Bible to a certain page. And all the kids were already there. And here I am looking at the table of contents because I had no clue where to find the source. It's just stories. And what does a good schoolgirl do?
Speaker 2:Memorize the books of the Bible.
Speaker 1:Memorize the books of the Bible because I was embarrassed. To me it was an academic exercise, right, it was just another thing to add. It's just a school subject. The Bible stories I'm going to know them better than you do. You have memory verses. You know the books of the Bible in order. I can do that. I'm going to excel at this. And so I got into the Adventist community with that same mindset, thinking that, oh, this is so embarrassing. Here you are a freshman in college and you had no clue of what the doctrines are, and so the solution was attend Bible studies. Right, then Bible studies and find out as much as you can and just be good at it. Don't let anyone know that you are fumbling around, because that just sets you up. That's my danger zone. I don't want anyone to think that I'm struggling or I don't know, because I have to keep up this picture of I'm perfect. Therefore, you can't find anything wrong about me, so you can leave me alone, right.
Speaker 2:Your perfection was your safety.
Speaker 1:Yes, that's what kept me safe Don't let them see any kinks in your armor and that's going to keep you safe. I decided to get baptized, and I tell you, on the day of the baptism we were already in the changing room and the pastor was already calling names and I told my sister I don't think I can go through with this, because I was embarrassed that I was getting baptized at such a late age. Everyone else was getting baptized when they were in grade school or, at the latest, high school. And here I was in college and I was so embarrassed. I was embarrassed because people in that school community knew my parents really well. I'd be walking around campus this was me when I was new and they'd look at me and they said are you the daughter of? So it's, and to me it was embarrassing. Oh, I don't have an answer why I'm just getting baptized now. And I didn't want anyone to ask the question. And so I was thinking okay, do I just hide? I was already baptized in the Baptist church, so maybe that's good enough. But eventually I decided, no, it's more embarrassing to sign up to be baptized and then not to go through with it. So I was weighing which is less embarrassing. So I went with the option. I went ahead and got baptized, but I tell you I cannot really say that I had a relationship with God. All I knew is now I know the doctrines. So I'm not gonna be embarrassed in Sabbath school or if there's some kind of discussion. I actually know what they're talking about and I'm not gonna look stupid and vulnerable. So that should start for me. So from there-.
Speaker 2:When you came out of the water. Do you remember anything about that?
Speaker 1:No nothing. Welcome to the Adventist church.
Speaker 2:Lord have mercy. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, sad, but true.
Speaker 1:Let's fast forward to when I was 18. My dad petitioned for me and my mom to join him in the US. Now, at this time remember, my sister is almost six years older than me and the cutoff age to be someone's dependent is 21. I went with the option of being a Christian and I went with my mom, but my sister got left behind, and so this was culture shock for me. I got here to the States and it was very different, very different. The first time that I came to church and somebody, a guy, came and said hello and gave me a hug, I froze Like I was thinking, whoa, what are you doing? Because we don't do that. I grew up in a very conservative Filipino atmosphere. I'm told that it's no longer that way these days, but back in the day, no, we don't hug Girls. Don't hug guys unless you're together. So it was very different for me. I didn't know anybody, and here was another thing. I'm adjusting again, right. But one thing that I was pleasantly surprised with is when I got to the church here, I was actually more conservative than some of the young people. I was thinking, whoa, didn't need to add any rules because I got that covered. I had more than enough rules to make me good enough, so that was good. But then my dad took a job at very conservative college in Northern California and I got there and, lo and behold, new rules right. It was the first time I had to become vegetarian slash vegan cold turkey and I thought I was going to die. I didn't know how to give up meat and cheese and all the stuff that I was accustomed to eating, but I pushed through. I just added it to my list, rich.
Speaker 2:Did you feel when you were vegetarian or vegan? Did you feel holier? Did you feel like okay, now I'm really doing it right? Or did you feel like this is stupid?
Speaker 1:No, I felt holier. I was thinking, I considered it growth. I considered it oh wow, now I'm wearing dresses and skirts and I don't eat meat and dairy. So I'm doing pretty well. I'm really doing pretty well and I is it sad to say that I felt really safe. The more I added rules, the safer that I felt, and that's how it was.
Speaker 2:Nothing wrong with being healthy. Nothing wrong with making decisions that help your body, but if you think that not eating something or eating something makes you holier, then we don't understand what holiness is right.
Speaker 1:Yes, it's a very poor view of how holy God is daily, but so I survived and I came back to Los Angeles and I met Arnold again. Now some background. Arnold's mom and my parents went to Adventist Academy together, so our families have known each other for.
Speaker 2:In the Philippines.
Speaker 1:Yes, for many years, and he was actually being set up with my sister and I met him again. We met at Bible Study and I remember him inviting me to go with the church youth group to Magic Mountain I think it's called Six Flags now.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:Yes, you won't believe what I said. It's embarrassing, but I said sorry, I can't go because that place is too worldly.
Speaker 2:You didn't want to go to Six Flags with Arnold because it was too world. He's like my dad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so that's how it was. He called during the week and he said, okay, how about going to a real mountain? And so he invited me to go for a hike. I said, oh, hikes, I can do, I can do hikes. So we went on a hike and I've been up to this day. Maybe one of these days he'll admit it. But he didn't let me know that it was just going to be the two of us. I thought that instead of going to Magic Mountain, the entire youth group was going on a hike. Now, Right.
Speaker 2:So I had to. You convinced Arnold to get all the youth group to change their mind. Okay, cool.
Speaker 1:I was nutty, disillusioned. But get there, and it was just two of us. I had a great time. He was different, he's super funny. I know he's super funny. Yet I liked him because he was very active in church and he knew his Bible. So that was very attractive for me. So I thought, okay, this guy is safe to be around, although I was a bit uncomfortable when it was just the two of us that was going on a hike. But he said, okay, he's a Christian, he's out giving Bible studies and doing all of these cool things in church. I felt pretty safe, started hanging out more and he actually started. He decided to start the court me. He actually asked for permission from my dad, which was another. He got bonus points for that. I was thinking, oh, I felt really safe because this guy is serious and he's very respectful and this was a good thing. I felt okay to let my guard down. Then something happened and I ended up going to sunlight. Sunlight is Sunlight was an independent ministry up in Washington state that made homeschool materials based on the desire of ages. I was given the opportunity to apprentice there and so I decided, okay, I'm going to take this opportunity. And lo and behold, I thought my Weimar Advertisement was already good enough. I found out there's even more conservative Advertisement than the Weimar folks. These people only wore long sleeves. They're strict with their diet. Not only were they vegan, they only had two meals a day. We don't drink with our meals, we don't mix fruits and vegetables All of these things. So more rules than I was thinking At first. I thought you got to be kidding me, right? But what do you do? I'm here and I will do the best that I can to abide by your rules.
Speaker 2:You always started floating around because you weren't eating the vegetables and fruits at the same meal. You're just like hello-ing More rules.
Speaker 1:But in my mind I was thinking will I ever be good enough? Right, because I keep a certain number of rules and then I'm okay, and then I go to another place and all of a sudden it's not good enough, and just more, the goalpost keeps getting moved and it didn't seem attainable. Yet I knew that if I just push through and grit my teeth, I can do this. I'm pretty good at keeping rules, and so I survived sunlight. One thing that I remember after hanging out with Arnold it's funny yet sad at the same time that I inspired him to be more legalistic. He told me one time we were talking and he said oh, because of you, I was inspired to pull up my old list. He had a list called Arnold's 10 Commandments, right, so he had an additional set of what were on the list. I was talking to him the other night, I said do you remember who was on your list? Because the only thing that I could remember was no meals after 8 pm. That's the only thing. But I distinctly remember seeing this. He showed it to me and it was attached to his wall just above his computer monitor, and I was inspired by Sharon. Here's Sharon, inspiring people to be rulekeepers. And so I came back from sunlight and I remember one. Every time I would come back from a place where I became more conservative. When I came back to my family and my friends, I felt very out of place and uncomfortable. Because here I am coming back with a new set of restrictions, things that I don't do, and I just felt really out of place. And Arnold decided. He said I think he noticed my discomfort whenever we would go out with the youth group from church. I was the only vegan, and so one day he just makes a declaration whenever we're together and we're going out, I will be vegetarian. And so I remember the very first time that we went out with the youth group. We went to this restaurant in Glendale and the moment the waiter came he ordered a chicken enchilada. Right, and here I was thinking hold on, isn't this the guy who just told me that whenever we're together I'm going to be vegetarian? And at the end of the meal, when we were heading home, he realized what he had done right and he told me I wish you had said something. You should have said something to me when I was ordering and should have told me hey, you promise that you're going to be vegetarian when I'm around. I don't know if, now that I look back, if I took that as a license now to tell him whenever he's doing something that I thought was wrong, because I now thinking about it is that's how I felt in our marriage. So, fast forward. I was 18 when I came here, when I was about to turn 21,. That meant that I was going to age out of that, being a dependent, being a rule follower. My plan was I was going to go home to the Philippines Because I'm not going to stay illegally Although it was. I think it frustrated my parents because it was a common practice among Filipinos that it didn't matter if you stayed without papers. It was acceptable, that was expected, but I didn't want to do that and so I said I'm planning to go home and Arnold decided to ask me to marry him. Now, we were talking about this last night. This is one of the things that's good about being dead is you can look back at your stupid decisions and just laugh about it. I was 21, almost 21 actually, because I had to get new paperwork before I turned 21. And Arnold was 27. And he asked me to marry him. Why would you ask a kid to marry you? I don't know, but I tell you. I said yes. I said yes, not because this I'm very sure of I really loved him and I wouldn't have said yes if I thought that he didn't love me and we were just doing it for my visa. But in a way, I thought, oh, who wouldn't want to be with this guy who makes me feel so safe? I decided, yeah, we're going to get married, got married before I turned 21. Now something happened during this time my abuser one of my abusers came over to the United States and stayed with my parents and me, and I have to understand that when we got married this is one thing that's good about being free from guilt and shame is. I don't think a lot of people know this, but when Arnold and I got married, we had to meet a deadline because I didn't want to stay illegally, so we had to get married before I turned 21. But it's too short the time to plan a wedding and our parents were one of the big weddings, so we got married in Vegas. So we had a Vegas wedding in May I was starting 21 in June and then we had a church wedding in January the following year. Now I remember being told coming from Vegas right, arnold and I were called to a meeting by both sets of parents and we were told you better not let anyone know what you had done Because it's embarrassing. And I was thinking it's so embarrassing. We're legally married, right, there's nothing illegal about what we did. But we were told that it's embarrassing and the way to be safe from shame is to set up some rules of how we could not be intimate you couldn't live together. No, we couldn't live together, so we lived separately. We're not allowed to kiss in public, even hug, because you don't want people thinking bad things. And I'm thinking.
Speaker 2:And this is just for the day, so that people will not know, so that on the wedding day they'll be like, oh yeah, these guys are not married right now.
Speaker 1:Yes, and it was hard, it was hard. I wouldn't be able to do it New set of rules, right, new set of rules, and I tell you we would.
Speaker 2:There's so if you guys would have been intimate? Would your parents have thought you guys would have been intimate before marriage, even if you would have been married?
Speaker 1:I thought so, that's how it felt and so we would make out right. And I remember feeling so guilty. I was thinking this is so sad. This is my husband, right, this is my husband. And my idea of intimacy has been so distorted, right Even from being a kid. And here I was thinking this is a safe place now. It's safe for me to be loved and to have intimate relationships with a husband. Yet it was still considered shameful and I just felt so guilty. I felt so guilty Like I wanted so much to be with my husband but we were not allowed to do so because that's shameful and just things that this marriage that was supposed to bring joy was now becoming a source of guilt and shame. So this time so we were already married, but living separately my abuser came and lived with us, with my parents and me, in the same house, and it was then that I realized that I was very bitter because I had a really rough time. I had difficulty being polite, being kind, so I was very rude to this family member and I remember my mom being hurt by it and it would cause a fight. Now, at this time, I hadn't told anybody about what had happened to me. My mom didn't understand why I was being rude. So things passed and things blew up. When my daughter was one year old Now. I got pregnant soon after our church wedding and I became a mom at 22. You imagine being a mother at 22. I had no clue what I was doing. But my mom was very angry with me and was telling me that she's so embarrassed because her family members would always bring up how she raised someone who was rude. Because I had been rude to this family member and this is the first time I finally had it and I said you have no idea what this person did to me. And through some exchange of words my mom said she was sorry for what had happened to me and they had no idea. But there was one thing that got stuck in my head. She said you better make sure that no one finds out about what happened to you, especially Arnold's family, because then they're going to think that they got damaged goods. I was the first time that I had ever heard that term and I was thinking wow, I think my mom was just protecting me. She was anticipating what Debbie said. I was thinking if you're anticipating that someone's going to say that about me, then you must think the same way about me. And all the shame and guilt just came flooding back and I was thinking I had my daughter with me and few thought that I was hyper-vigilant when I was a kid. When I heard that and my daughter was one at this time I said to myself I made a promise I would never, ever, let anything like this happen to my children. There's no way. I can't imagine how legalistic I was when I was a hyper-vigilant kid and adolescent. Imagine me being a hyper-vigilant mom. I really turned it on right Because I was thinking I really have to protect my kids from this, because here I am, already married and have my own family and it's still haunting me and there's no way that I'm going to let that happen to my kids. And I was determined I was going to whatever to keep my kids safe. I homeschooled them. I read oh, I read every single book Child guidance. I went to this home and I was thinking I need to learn as much as I can so that I know how to protect my kids, Because no one ever has to experience this right. And that was it. That's the beginning of how I raised my children, and I tell you, people at church always thought look at Arnold and me. We're very active church leaders, we teach Sabbath school. We knew what we were talking about. We were a perfect couple, but nobody knew that things were falling apart at home. Right, Because when you become that hyper-vigilant, I tell you I would only notice the bad things. Right, I was always on the lookout for something that we were doing wrong, because then I need to make sure that I have to fix it right away. Right, Because I cannot. I cannot do anything wrong that's going to endanger my children. So there's pressure of always doing something right. And for that to happen, I need to be on the lookout and always be alert for what wrong things are happening. And I didn't realize that I had become a very critical person. Every time I would bring up something with my husband or my children, it was what they were doing wrong. And that led to anger and frustration. Because, in my mind, why don't you just get on the program? Because to me it was very clear we need to obey the rules, we need to keep the rules to stay safe. So why isn't everyone cooperating with me? And I remember when my kids were older and they told me Mom, you're not a fun person to be with. And I look back and I can see that I wasn't a fun person to be with because I was always scared. Always scared that something wrong was going to happen, Always scared that we were not doing enough to stay safe. Right, Because to me, even as an active Adventist, it was still just an academic exercise. This was me being good at school. Right, this was me learning the things so that I'm ready when the test comes and I can ace it. And when I studied the Bible, it was so that I could teach my kids what they needed to know, so that they, too, would be perfect. Right, I don't remember ever teaching them to have this personal relationship with God because I didn't have that myself. I cannot give what you don't have. And I was passing on this picture of God who was about to give me a test, that there's always a test and there's just. If I would just follow the checklist and study really hard and just know what the rules are and abide by them, I'm going to ace this test, and that's how I brought up my kids, I remember. I'm going to share one sad story. This still makes me very sad that I did this. It was one time that my kids were being rebellious shocker kids rebelling and I thought it was God talking to me, was inspired. Arnold came home and I said I'm really scared, I don't know what to do with the kids, and I thought I'd go to the Bible and find out what I need to do. And I went to the story in the Garden of Eden and the saddest thing is, instead of seeing the gospel play out in the Garden of Eden, what I saw was that God's act of love was to kick them out of the Garden of Eden. And I thought this is what I need to do with my kids, because they need to know the gravity of sin, they need to know how bad sin is. And so we were living in a four bedroom house and I remember they each had their own room and there was this room downstairs that nobody really cleaned, nobody occupied it, it was just a storage room. And I told them that I was kicking them out of their own Garden of Eden. I even asked them do you want to move out? Do you want to get out because you don't want to submit? I told them that this was me teaching them what God wanted them to learn the sannish pad. And now I look back. Now this would give you a better idea of why I was crying during wave one, when one of the people reminded me of my daughter Every time that you guys would share the gospel and you would say would an earthly father do that? Just imagine what your earthly father would do for you. Just imagine how much better your heavenly father is. And I look back and I think what kind of earthly mother did my children have? The kind of picture did I give them of God? And so, from then on, the more my kids rebelled, the more I came up with a solution, and my solution was we just need more rules. We need more rules because and the more rules I gave, the more they rebelled, and I got to the point that they left the church and our daughter moved out of the house. And I was blaming myself. That was something that I always carried. I was so guilty, Felt so guilty about how I parented my children. I felt guilty of how I presented God to them, and that would always be hanging over my head.
Speaker 2:We make mistakes as parents constantly. We're constantly making mistakes and we're learning and we're growing. You really thought that the rules were going to be more helpful. Sincerely, I believe you were a sincere person back then. You weren't trying to sabotage anything. You really thought more rules will help in this way. When did you see, oh, this is not working. And this is when it turned from if they just get with a program to oh, perhaps the program is the problem. When did that switch for you?
Speaker 1:I didn't realize it until both kids had already left church and my marriage was in shambles. Arnold and I started out. One of the things that really attracted me to him was we always talk. We talk the every day. And not only did we talk, we would pray and study the Bible together and I saw that diminishing. So a lot of pressure at home, so a lot of pressure at work. And To me, arnold changed. I was thinking what happened to the guy who always talked to me and he was, I felt, very alone. He was very distant. I remember, even when the kids were growing up, our families had conflicts between each other and that put a strain on our marriage. I remember when the kids were small and after I put them to bed, I was very depressed. I would knock myself in their closet and I would cry, so no one would see me. I just stayed in the closet, just crying because in my head, okay, this wasn't working, even though I thought that this was my source of safety. I knew it wasn't working because I don't think we're supposed to be miserable. We were miserable and the pressure just kept piling on and I noticed that Arnold was pulling away and I was getting resentful. I was jealous of the other people at church because I would see him being so happy in church. I was so happy. He's there at board meetings trying to solve problems. He's joking around and hanging out with these other people at church and when he got home he had no interest in solving the problems at home and I was angry. I was angry because it got to a point where I stopped paying attention to him when he was preaching, because I was thinking sure, you're all, mr religious, spiritual here at church, but why don't you need family worships at home? Why don't you pray with me anymore? Why don't you study with me when you're all so excited doing Bible studies at church? And I got to the point that whenever he would preach, I wouldn't pay attention, even at board meetings. When he had an idea, I would zone out, because I was thinking I don't want to listen to this guy and it's a very dangerous place to be. I was starting to lose respect for my husband and that's not a good thing. It's never a good thing. And the more that I did that, the more that he pulled away. And then I would take a fight and I would say hey, I'm noticing that you're familiar with so and so, or got to a point where I felt so deprived of affection One of the things I like being hugged. I like being held. And my husband stopped doing that. And I was thinking here it is again. There's something wrong with me, right, there's something that I'm doing wrong because things are falling apart. And then I would see him at church paying attention and giving compliments to these other women and he would actually tell the compliments to me so and so is so great at singing or so and so is really good at encouraging me. And he would be telling these things to me, but I would never hear any compliment from myself. And I was very jealous. I was thinking what would it take, what do I have to do so that I could get that, so I could get what the other people were getting? And when I would bring this up, he couldn't see what was happening and I would say, hey. Back to hypervigilant Sharon. I said I don't feel comfortable with this, I don't like what's happening, I think it's dangerous, right. But he was oblivious, he didn't know what was happening. But I would say, hey, stop it. Right. I didn't have any solutions except to say stop it, hey. But things got worse and got to a point where he started to realize that it was true, he was starting to get affirmation and his needs to be appreciated and to be to matter. He was getting it from someone else other than his wife. And that's when we knew there's a problem, right, there's a horrible problem. That was my wake-up call, because now I'm thinking, for the last 20-something years my only identity was wife and mother and I messed those up big time. Right, I'd wake up every morning and I went into a depression for three years because every morning when I woke up I had this feeling of guilt and shame, thinking I'm a bad wife and a bad mother, and I resented God. I was so angry with God because I told him I followed all of your rules, right, I followed everything you asked, but you did not hold up your end of the bargain and I was so bitter I stopped going to church for a year. I did not want to read my Bible. I was not going to open. There was no way I'm going to open my Bible and find out more rules, because I was jipped Right. This was my source of safety, this was, and nothing happened. You did not fulfill your promise. I fulfilled my end. You did not do anything to save my kids and my marriage and I was very angry, very angry. I got to a point where I no longer recognized myself. I got scared because I would. I became violent. I, whenever I would get triggered, I found myself wanting to punch somebody. One time I, arnold, had a really bad fight and it wasn't until the next day he was changing that I noticed that he had bruises on his chest. That was me punching him and I was scared. I was so scared. That's why I said, lord, I need help. I need help because now I saw, aside of myself, that I never thought was possible. I, whenever there was fights in school I actually got attacked one time at a public market I would just freeze, I don't know, I don't fight back, right, you just take it, you just take the blows and then you just stay miserable and you just move on and then try to keep the rules again. But here I was so angry, so every single thing would trigger me and I would just burst out in anger and got to a point that I said I don't know what to do now. The only thing that I knew how to do was to keep rules. Not only did I keep rules, I was good at keeping rules, and I was good at imposing rules on others. Right, that was my call to fame. I'm good at that, but I failed, and so I became Swiss Idol. I got to a point this was around 2020 and I decided that there was really no purpose. I don't know how to solve this, because I knew the rulekeeping wasn't it. Right, it wasn't working, but that's the only thing I knew how to do, and if it's not working, there's no other thing for me to turn to. And I decided this was it. And something happened. God intervened. I was waiting for my son to leave for work because I had a plan, but I didn't want him to be the one to find me, so I wanted to do it while he was at work. No-transcript, his work got canceled that day. He wasn't leaving, he wasn't leaving. And then something else happened. Whenever Arnold and I would fight, I would always be the first one to give in. He would not be the first one to talk to me. I would always be the one to say I'm sorry and we need to talk. And, for the very first time, arnold reached out to me, which was new, right, I was shocked. He said we need to fix things. And I said that was when we decided we were going to get counseling. We attended camp. When I went to camp, my initial plan was I need to go find out what I need to do to bring my kids back. And I came away from that youth conference realizing that I was the one that needed fixing. But here's the sad part I realized I needed fixing, but it was still dependent on me. It was just a new resolve to find out what is it that I need to do next so that I can fix myself. And I have to say that when we did the counseling and when we went to this camp and went to another camp in Hawaii, they helped us a lot. Thinking about what our problem was. But there was a lot of improvement. Let's just say Our marriage improved. We were no longer fighting every day and we were thinking we're doing well, we're doing really well. Right, but it was based on more rules. We came up with more rules, but this one specifically for our marriage. We came up with a rule that we're always going to stick together. That's how we're going to keep safe, so we're not tempted to get our needs met by other people. So everything that we do, we're going to do together. Whatever ministry you join a church, even if I don't like that, I'm going to be there to join you, and vice versa. And we were paying attention more to each other and I tell you, I have to admit, the things dramatically improved and I was thinking this is it right, this is it. We finally found the formula, but I would still get triggered occasionally. So the formula was like more rules, being nice to each other and being with each other being with each other, paying attention to each other and doing our best to meet each other's needs. That was the formula. But I was still getting triggered and I had this constant fear that I was somehow going to one day fail in meeting Arnold's needs and he would leave me. So I was operating from that standpoint. We were happy here, but still there was that lingering fear and the lingering guilt of I'd wake up and I'd tell myself, sharon, just go through the list, make sure you're a good wife, right, don't be the bad wife that you were. Be a good wife and everything's going to be okay. And then, the week before you came for a week of prayer, we had some friends, a married couple, approach us and they were asking for help. They wanted to meet with us and they were asking for help because they were having marital problems. Can you believe it? We actually got to a good point where people were coming to us for marital counsel, right, things dramatically improved. But I got triggered and I picked a fight with Arnold, because I got upset, because he was telling me oh, we should help this couple and I was hesitating because I said I can't do that, because you know how similar they are to what our situation was and I don't want to be triggered. So I'm not ready to sit down and meet with these people and what's going to happen is, as they're telling their story, I'm going to remember all the bad things that happened to us and I don't want to put our marriage at risk. And I remember saying I cannot afford risking allowing something to take us back to how bad our marriage was before, because I knew I was not going to survive it the second time. I cannot go through it a second time. He said okay, fine, I'll wait for you to be ready. So this was a week before you came. And then you came for a week of prayer and you triggered me, richard.
Speaker 2:I just, I just remember this and I've just been thinking about this quite a bit, and I show up to the church that Saturday morning and I've preached this kind of sermon a few times and it's to the point now where I don't know how triggering it is. I don't know, I don't know the level of what I'm going to say, because what I say, what I share in my testimony, you can get pretty wild. So I'm sitting there in the back room and I'm just I don't know anybody. And my twin sister, she flew into town and a couple of my family had like they all live in Southern California, so they were there, so I was excited and hopeful to see them. And we're sitting in the back room and this lady comes in and she reminds me of my mom, because my mom is the one who runs the church services where she lives. And this lady comes in and she means business and she is directing the traffic. All right, this is what we're going to do here. And people are joking about her and they're like oh, you don't want to get on Sharon's bad side. And I think I said something to the fact. I don't know if we had actually met. I think we shook hands or something Maybe, like I couldn't shake her hand because I'd actually just fallen on, had a bike accident. So that might have been weird. But I was like I better keep this lady, I better just listen to this lady, because she knows the rules and I don't make the rules, I don't break the rules, I better. You gave me this feeling of familiarity and this is. She seems serious, but I bet I could joke with this lady. I bet I could joke with this lady. I bet if we hang out for a little bit I think she'll like me. That's what I first thought in the back room when I saw you.
Speaker 1:I remember you saying I better stay on Sharon's good side, and I think I told you something like as of today, you're still on my good side, so you're okay. But I told you right, I have the perfect job because I'm very good at keeping rules and imposing rules on others. This was me being a rulekeeper at church. But I remember Arnold was on AV, on the AV team that sat, and my usual practice is, after I set up everyone and the preacher already starts the message, then I'm free to go. So I went upstairs to be with Arnold in the AV booth and then you start your sermon and I remember you talking about how you weren't getting affirmation at home and talked about. This thought popped into your head that well, I bet so and so would affirm me. And that was the first trigger. I could feel the back of my neck getting tense and I was thinking, oh, because I it really felt like it was Arnold talking and I was thinking, oh, okay, I wonder where this guy is going with this message. And I was thinking, stop talking about it. I got into the part where you said that after you had already been living in freedom and you didn't like it that your wife was still treating you like the old man. And then I thought, nope, that's exactly what I do to Arnold and I still do that to Arnold. And I was thinking, okay, I don't like where this is going. So I went to where Arnold was in the AV booth and I said is this guy triggering you? He looked at me and said a little why. He said he's triggering me. And that's one of our rules now and he had a rule that whenever we felt discomfort right, he liked that we would identify it and tell the other person right away, right. And so I said this guy is triggering me. So I said are you okay? On the back of my head, what I really wanted to find out was are we okay? I had gotten to a point that Arnold's state of emotion was my gauge on whether I was being a good wife or not. So I need to make sure that he was okay, to make sure that our marriage was okay. So I was thinking, okay, how triggered are you right now? And I'm thinking, okay, please just stop reminding my husband how bad his wife is.
Speaker 2:So that first sermon I tell large part of my testimony and then I go into Romans, chapter six. Were you able to pay attention to what I was saying about Romans chapter six and that we are free from indebted sin, or you were just concentrating on my testimony?
Speaker 1:I got stuck with the testimony because by that time I was already so stressed I was thinking, really, we've been doing so well, we've been doing so well, why do you have to bring these things up? And I remember I thought I don't know if I told you, but by this time sometime the year prior, we had already heard wave one from Jonathan on YouTube I think, the one at PVC church, okay. So we went through that entire series. Didn't make much of an impact and all I remember is I knew we were talking about Romans six, because I distinctly remember telling our own oh, he's giving the same message. Just that Jonathan guy I was. And that even made it easier for me to dismiss it, because I was thinking I already know this, right, I already know this. I was still service and did, and I tell you I was still very triggered. So that was Sabbath, right, and then come Sunday. Now one of the things that was a special trigger for me was whenever Arnold would do something, and we had a rule we always did something together. For that particular time he was going to play guitar with a bunch of people, but I was stuck with the AV so I wasn't part of the singing. And that's a trigger for me, because when we were this height of our marital problems, I hated it when he would compliment other women, right? Other women that my husband thought were good were a threat to me, and the people that were singing for that particular meeting were two of our best singers at church, right? And I was feeling uncomfortable and I was thinking okay, I need to make sure that I tell my husband that he did a good job playing guitar. I'm always in this state of fear Am I affirming my husband enough? Am I meeting his needs enough? Because there's, that's the rule. This is how we keep safe. You meet each other's needs, and I knew that he had this need for affirmation and so I need to make sure. Okay, this is bothering me, but I just need to make sure that he's getting affirmed by me. It has to come from me, and one of the things that I didn't like is don't be too funny. Don't like it when other women compliment them. Oh, you did a good job teaching Santa's school, or you did a good job playing guitar, or you're really so funny. That was a threat to me. I would get on his case and say do you really have to be funny?
Speaker 2:And he's baby. I can't help it. I'm hilarious.
Speaker 1:But what's so sad, richard? These are the things that attracted me to him, right, but now they were a source of threat. It was all triggered and meetings happened. I was paying attention because I knew that here was another message that I already heard from Jonathan your message that day. And then Monday came and things came to a head and I picked a fight. I picked a fight because all of these fears, somehow you invite Richard to your church, do a week of prayer and you get triggered and all of these things that you buried deep inside get exposed to the surface. And I did not like how I was feeling and I picked a fight and I told him I need you to guarantee that we're not going to go back to that bad place in our marriage again. I need you to assure me that it's never going to happen again, that we're never going to find our needs met by other people again. Right, and where was my husband? And it always got to me when he doesn't feel the same sense of urgency that I do. This is dangerous, oz. Do you really have to be friends with these people, it was said. I discovered that my peace was manufactured peace. I was manufacturing my own peace. I was thinking we are in a safe place in our marriage, because my solution was you're going to be safe If you just avoid everyone else. Right, stay in this safe bubble, and inside this bubble there's peace, right? Just don't associate with the people that you might get attached to. Don't associate with people that are triggering you, and this is how you get peace. And I didn't like it, that Arnold was healing faster than me and he was able to already associate with people, even if I'm not yet ready. And I thought, hey, entitled to feel hurt and you're supposed to suffer more, so don't get healed before me, right, because I'm still hurt, so you're supposed to still be hurting. And that was my condition. And we ended up being late to your, to the next two meetings. And now here's the thing with you, richard you always ask questions. I don't know you're born this way, because I remember you said oh, you came to me and said so, did you listen to the message? What did you think about it? So I said a couple of questions, I don't know. We discussed a couple of questions that I had, and then the following day, you asked again so did you listen to the message? And I said no, we were late. And he said are you going to listen to it? And I don't know why, but I said yes, okay. So I wanted to keep my word because I knew that the next time you saw me you were going to ask me, so did you get a chance to watch it at home? So I went home. This was the message on. You were I think you were playing talk about Roman seven, and you ended up talking about Tyler and Morgan. And I went home and I said okay, I know this Richard guy is going to ask me tomorrow, so I better keep my promise and I'm going to watch the message. And I started talking about Tyler and Morgan and I just started crying. I started crying because, all of a sudden, I realized there's some truth to what you've been preaching and there's this possibility that I can also experience this with Tyler and Morgan experienced. And I just cried because I was thinking wait, I know all of these things. Right, I know all of these things, but it never occurred to me that I can experience it now. No, it was always something distant, something that you hope for, something that you might attain if you keep the rules. And here was this testimony of these two people living a life of freedom, and I went to sleep thinking, lord, there's this hope, there's this possibility. Could it be that this can also be true for me?
Speaker 2:Okay, we're going to take a little break from the episode and I'm going to bring a friend of mine on. This is my brother, christian, christian. Quick question for you, my man how long have you been rocking with the gospel?
Speaker 3:Oh man, I've been, I think, rocking with the gospel as we understand it now for five years.
Speaker 2:Five years and what has this message done, this truth, for your life?
Speaker 3:So the gospel message has transformed everything about my life and it's given me a new perspective on how I see the world and how I see people, and it gives meaning to everything I do now. It's yeah, it's everything.
Speaker 2:So you have gone as far as to donate of your hard earned money for this message to continue. Why have you done that?
Speaker 3:Just because I believe in it and because I believe in what we do and I want more people to be impacted by what we do, so that's why I do that.
Speaker 2:That's pretty straight up. If you want to help us and partner with us to continue to move this message forward, you can go to loverealityorg slash give. That's loverealityorg slash give.
Speaker 1:I remember the next day waking up very early and Arnold was still sleeping and I started reading my Bible. I started reading Colossians. I don't know why, but I went to Colossians and started reading about being forgiven and being new, and it's very clear. God was talking to me and said that all these things that you're afraid of, that the bad wife is gonna come up again, right, I'm always scared that I'm gonna come short and I'm going to do something bad that's gonna drive my husband away and won't bring my kids back. I've made you new In this thing, the way that you look at your husband. Do you know that I've made him new too? That's when it clicked. God is saying well, that old Sharon is dead, dead. This is a new Sharon and new Sharon is married to new Arnold and in that new marriage with these two new people, there's no need to fear. I don't need to fear, and I think they remember just so excited waiting for Arnold to wake up I mean, I'm waiting there next to him and the moment he woke up, I said I've been awake and I've been reading the Bible and I said I'm so convinced that I'm new Sharon and I married the new Arnold and I said there's no need to fear that we're gonna go back to where we were. And I tell you it's the best news ever I've. In all my rulekeeping I've never, ever felt this safe. I could feel my shoulders relaxing when I realized, oh, it's no longer up to me, it's not up to me, it's not dependent on what I can produce, it's not dependent on how I perform, it's not up to me. And there's no turning back after this. There's no turning back. I was so relieved, I tell you, I've never felt so loved. This is the first time where I the freedom of not not being dependent on what, how Arnold is doing to determine who I am Because I would always gauge is my husband happy when I must be doing good, if my husband is stressed and angry, doing poorly and to have that freedom of knowing I am who Jesus says I am, not because of what I do or how I affect other people, but because of who he says I am. And that is so liberating For the first time, that Sabbath morning, it's the first time that I woke up, that I didn't have this cloud of guilt and shame hanging over me. So first time that I woke up and I didn't think I'm a bad wife and mother. Oh, I'm not. I'm not, I'm. I am the beloved of the most high. I can't imagine being in a better position other than that. And what's so mind boggling to me is call me from that secure place of who I am, that I am loved, no matter how shameful my past was, no matter what I've done or what I've failed to do. Right, I am loved just the way I am. Coming from that place. I'm not even thinking about rules anymore, because I'm no longer operating from a place of want or a place of lack. I'm coming from a place of abundance. And in this abundance I don't. I no longer expect my husband to reciprocate. I can love him freely, coming from this abundance, even if he doesn't love me back, I know I'm okay. That's new for me. That's so new that even if my kids don't love me back, I'm still okay, because it doesn't change who I am in God's eyes and that's the best kind of life ever. We remember the following day after the last meeting in Pasadena, the Pathfinders were going to a beach day and remember our previous rule we always stayed together. Now, I don't like going to the beach. I'm not very outgoing. I like familiar places that are safe. And for the first time I said I knew Arnold wanted to go and I said, oh, you can go, I'm just going to stay home. And then I said okay, you get ready. And then I just went about doing my chores and what I didn't realize was my husband was so shocked. 40 minutes later I went upstairs and I said why haven't you gotten ready? And he said are you sure it's okay for me to go? This hasn't happened for so long. Right, he wasn't sure that it was safe for us to be separated. And for the first time ever, I said I'm sure you can go and we can be separated and our marriage would still be great. That's when it hit me this thing is real. I'm not imagining it. This is real because I didn't have the feeling of panic, I didn't have the feeling of fear and I was able to say, yeah, it's perfectly okay, we can be separated. And he was joking. He said I was thinking it's a trap. No, it's not a trap, this is real. You can go and you come back and you're still going to come back to a life who loves you. And that's how it's been. I'm starting to notice things. I was telling Arnold the other day do you think I'm just imagining it? Because this past few weeks I realized I'm not stressed and this is new for me because I'm always stressed, right and so he said if you're not feeling it, how can it be imagined? He said yeah, you look happy, you're not stressed. And I said do you sometimes feel that your cheeks are hurting? Because I noticed that there would be times where I'm just thinking quietly and I find myself smiling and I'm thinking why am I smiling? And I realized oh, because I was thinking about how good it is to be loved by God. And this is some fresh thoughts from the secret place. I'll end here. I'm sorry I went on long, but God was telling me have you noticed your toes? I said what do you mean? There's nothing special about my toes. And he asked again have you noticed your toes? I said that. I started thinking. I said oh, they're not hurting. My toes are usually curled up because I'm always tense and I've gotten used to my toes cramping and hurting and at the end of the day it's really hurting because all day long I've been so tense that they're curled up inside my shoe. He said have you noticed your calves. I said what happened to my calves? Right? He noticed that my calves weren't hurting either, because every time, any time that I'm sitting, my legs would be shaking up and down, because I'm always tense and scared about something and that was my nervous habit I would shake my legs. There was a time where we were eating out at a restaurant and this lady at another table told me excuse me, but I'm a teacher in school and I've noticed that you've been shaking your legs Nonstop. Are you OK? And I said oh, yeah, I'm fine. But I just realized that was my nervous habit and I'm not doing it anymore. My legs and my toes are not cramping. Instead, my cheeks are hurting. It's good Life, living in gospel, freedom is good, and I say that I'm no longer tempted. No, just the other day we're taking a walk and I got irritated because Arnold took a phone call instead of talking to me during our walk. But it's so much easier to identify lies now because a light popped into my head and said oh, arnold's not really dead and you're not really dead because you're feeling offended and he still doesn't spend time with you. And it was so easy to just dismiss that as a lie when, before, I would linger there and part myself there for several hours, if not days, and harbor a grudge against my husband. And within minutes I went to him and I said I said something and I was short with you, but that was me coming from a place of lack, which is a lie, because I now operate from a place of abundance, so I don't need you to pay attention to me for me to feel complete and that's how it's been. It's been a great two months. So, if you're listening, invite Richard to go, do a week of prayer at your church and be triggered. Be triggered. I just want more thing. I want to end with this. I used to have this recurring nightmare of my hands getting run over by a truck. Now I know it's weird. Arnold would make fun of me. He said why would you even put your hands on the street to be run over? But why would you even get to a point that your hands are run over by an 18 wheeler truck? But those nightmares were so real to me, like I could. I would wake up all tense and so scared because I could actually feel my bones cracking and my hands getting mangled. And so, in the secret place. Last week I was saying God, you were talking to me about my toes and my calves, so no wonder, what about my hands, my hands? Why would I always have that nightmare of my hands getting crushed? And this is the thought that he gave to me. He said your hands. You're always dependent on your hands to offer something that you worked for. These are the works of my hands, and I was always scared that whatever I could come up with to offer wasn't enough. And God told me it's not a pop lock. I never asked you to bring anything to offer with your hands. I want you to realize that not only am I not asking, but you're not able to really bring anything to offer with your hands. Yet I said I'm still invited even if I don't bring anything. If he opens up this, this banquet, this wedding banquet, said not only are you invited to this feast, but it's made specifically for you. And there's this spread, richard. There's this spread with you. See the abundance. And you won't even think why would I even consider bringing my vegan gas, for it's not a potluck. He said I've already provided everything. Who told you that I was asking you to bring something? It's not asking, it's not a potluck. First dead people don't come back to bring a potluck dish to the new person's wedding. Everything's set up, everything's provided and there's such an abundance that I no longer fear of. I'm not scared of loving anymore because at first I thought I'm going to run out. So I need to measure what I'm giving out and there's no fear of no, I can't go through with that anymore because I don't have enough to meet, to give, to go through another round of bad marriage. But that's no longer the case because I'm working from such a place of abundance it's never running out.
Speaker 2:Byron and I were praying for a long time before this week of prayer and it is truly humbling to hear you tell your story, and I think of the goodness of God, because you talk about I've never done the whole, I've never preached to like three sermons back to back two and then I'm done, or something like that. And the first time I was able to actually do that, and on Wednesday, and I'm trying to preach about Roman seven, I'm like man, how am I going to do this? And I didn't. I don't even think the Roman seven and the Tyler and Morgan story, I don't think it goes perfectly. I don't know. I have to go back and watch it Because I didn't know how it was going to go, and then to hear later on that was the thing that you saw. And then I remember Friday night when we prayed together and you confessed just this thing of the suicidal thoughts that you had had, and but then the control, and I felt like you were really receiving it, like you were seeing it very clearly that oh, these are all lies and it blew me away. And so to hear you tell us is truly humbling and it's just a privilege that we get to speak life to people and you've already been doing that in your life. I just you've been a blessing to us so much so far. I can't imagine it would stop. But I want to finish on this thought, or this idea. If we just go back a little bit and you hopped in the Delorean and you could head back to this moment, this conversation, where you understand for the first time this phrase damage goods it breaks my heart that anybody could feel that or just believe that about themselves. And so if you could, if you could pull that young lady aside and just put your arm around her and she's starting to own that and believe that, that's starting to set in. What would you tell that young lady?
Speaker 1:Tell her to stop believing the lie. You are being relentlessly pursued by the most high God. Psalm 23 says truly goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life. All this time God is chasing you, saying come, I want to be with you, I love you just the way you are, and I have to say this last week that I would tell her to forgive. It's not good to hold on to bitterness. I have been so consumed by walking around like a victim that I failed to see how other people around me were hurting. I didn't see that my children were hurting. I didn't see my husband or her thing. And it was this week in one of the Bible studies, unafended they were talking about. Jesus absorbed the offense of everyone and God spoke to me and said that includes the offenses of your abusers. And for the very first time, I was at peace with that and I said I'm okay with that. Lord, I understand that your mercy also absorbed my abusers offenses. And it's what I'm going to tell that girl that you're so loved by the most high God and he will never, ever tell you that you're damaged goods. However, I was struggling with a lie last night because when I was preparing for this podcast, I was recalling this story. I started crying and the lie was see, sharon, you're not really free, you're not dead because you're still crying about it. And then I thought nope, lies lies. Even if I'm feeling sad, my feelings don't determine my worth and my value in God's eyes. My feelings don't determine my identity, and so it's okay to cry, feel sad recalling things that happened in the past, but we no longer identify with that. So I'm sure old Sharon's dead.
Speaker 2:And I've only ever known new Sharon, and I can just tell you right now that this is who God created you to be, from the foundation of the world. Like you have a special, I don't know light. It's Christ in you, the hope of glory, and it's a huge blessing and testimony to me. And so thank you for your faithfulness to his, faithfulness to you.
Speaker 1:I just hope that if there's someone out there who's listening who might be struggling with the same things, that which I have seen and heard, I declare to you this is not just wishful thinking. The gospel is good and it is true, and it is life changing. Thank you.
Speaker 2:If you're sitting here and you're in the same spot perhaps you're a parent that somehow your children are not in the place that you want them to be. I want you to pray this prayer, father, I know you love me While I have made mistakes. I know we're. Sin abounds. Grace abounds, much more. I know you're a God that answers prayers and, father, I'm praying for my children. I love them so much so I know that you love them so much more. So, father, in Jesus' name, give my children a revelation of how much you love them. Thank you for answering my prayer. I know you will, because that's what you do, and I'm praying it in Jesus' name, amen.