Explore the emotional journey of Christian and Angie's relationship marked by struggles, breakthroughs, and transformative moments. From commitment issues to self-discovery, they share candid stories, including a heart-wrenching breakup and challenges in maintaining sexual purity. Their experiences reflect raw emotions, soul-searching conversations, and the decision to commit against all odds. Beyond a love story, it's a testament to God's goodness, offering hope to those facing relationship challenges. They attribute their enduring bond to faith, concluding with a prayer for those seeking fulfillment outside of relationships. Don't miss this resonant conversation on the complexities of love.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation and Reconciliation in Relationships
9:24 - Struggles and Uncertainty in a Relationship
23:06 - Break Up or Get Married?
29:52 - Navigating the Decision to Get Married
40:10 - Three Months of Reflection and Growth
52:27 - Navigating Emotions After a Breakup
1:07:24 - Epiphany of Self-Worth and Desires
1:14:15 - Breaking Generational Curses, Discovering True Worth
1:21:36 - Good Gospel and Donation Blessings
1:37:20 - Love and Faithfulness in Marriage
keywords: emotion, relationship struggles, commitment issues, forgiveness, identity, breakup, challenges, peace, raw emotions, commitment, touching story, God's love, faithfulness, hope, enduring bond, fulfillment.
Explore the emotional journey of Christian and Angie's relationship marked by struggles, breakthroughs, and transformative moments. From commitment issues to self-discovery, they share candid stories, including a heart-wrenching breakup and challenges in maintaining sexual purity. Their experiences reflect raw emotions, soul-searching conversations, and the decision to commit against all odds. Beyond a love story, it's a testament to God's goodness, offering hope to those facing relationship challenges. They attribute their enduring bond to faith, concluding with a prayer for those seeking fulfillment outside of relationships. Don't miss this resonant conversation on the complexities of love.
view more resources on our website
0:00 - Transformation and Reconciliation in Relationships
9:24 - Struggles and Uncertainty in a Relationship
23:06 - Break Up or Get Married?
29:52 - Navigating the Decision to Get Married
40:10 - Three Months of Reflection and Growth
52:27 - Navigating Emotions After a Breakup
1:07:24 - Epiphany of Self-Worth and Desires
1:14:15 - Breaking Generational Curses, Discovering True Worth
1:21:36 - Good Gospel and Donation Blessings
1:37:20 - Love and Faithfulness in Marriage
keywords: emotion, relationship struggles, commitment issues, forgiveness, identity, breakup, challenges, peace, raw emotions, commitment, touching story, God's love, faithfulness, hope, enduring bond, fulfillment.
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin.
Speaker 2:Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you, thank you.
Speaker 3:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I just remembered the Lord asking me like Christian your dad had the gift of a beautiful marriage. Your dad had the gift of a beautiful wife. Your dad had the gift of a beautiful child. Why would anybody reject a gift that good?
Speaker 3:If they don't believe they deserve it.
Speaker 2:And that was the only answer that came to my mind, and God was like the enemy has been feeding you the same lie he fed your dad, which was that you were undeserving of the good gifts that I have given you.
Speaker 3:Yo, welcome to the Death of Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and this episode is with my favorites, christian and Angie. Now, if you haven't heard their individual episodes, you should. They are episode 8 and 58. But this episode is about relationships and it is from the vantage point of what has happened in their lives over the last year, and it's a wild story. It's a beautiful story, and so if you don't want to hear a beautiful story of a reconciled relationship and God shedding light through his son, jesus, then this might not be for you. But if you want to hear that, that's what this is all about. So buckle up, strap in Love. Y'all. Appreciate y'all. Here's Christian and Angie. All right, where did we leave off with you guys? Christian, your episode is like episode. What is it like? Seven or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, honestly I don't know, but it's one of the first few.
Speaker 3:I feel like I want to look it up. It's super early. Angie, what episode number are you? I think I'm in the fifties.
Speaker 1:I could be wrong, but I think Christian's eight and I'm 51 is going to be my guess.
Speaker 3:I have a feeling like that you're probably like right on because you're like I don't know it's, perhaps it's 50. It's Four is 51. Were you before or after? Were you in the second season or the first season? Second, yeah she got. Angie's healed from her past, number 58. She got her heart Dang.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that heart piece made me cry.
Speaker 3:That heart piece, though, and Christian, you are number eight, eight and 58. Only 50 episodes apart, angie, we left you and you'd gotten free from thinking that men were pigs. You'd gotten free from body shaming yourself. I can't remember the other. Can quick recap, just bullet points, free from A lot of it was where my value was found.
Speaker 1:It was found in people's opinions about me and needing to be like perfect. So a lot of that was like finding my identity in Christian. So if he told me that I was beautiful, then I believed that I was beautiful, and if he didn't, then I definitely questioned if I was. And that was just in all areas of my life.
Speaker 3:Finding your identity in Christian. I think we're going to hold on to that thought because I think it comes up here in your story, which I think in a cool way. And, christian, we left you back in 20. We recorded that mug in 2019. No, 2020. It was fall of 2020, I'm sure of it, and you had gotten free from it all, I think, like a bunch of stuff in your life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I was just saying that I think we left off on a good note, on the fact that I was free from sin and that the person I always hoped to be is who I believe that was now because of what Christ did in me, and then I left off on the fact that I was dating somebody which was Angie.
Speaker 3:Alright, where do we want to start this thing now?
Speaker 1:Because the thing is, I actually don't think you did mention that I was your girlfriend.
Speaker 3:In the episode.
Speaker 2:I did.
Speaker 1:I don't know that you did I feel like Angie would know I think you said that you were dating someone, because that kind of goes into what you were experiencing.
Speaker 2:I'm not saying that I swear I mentioned you right.
Speaker 3:Okay, so let me.
Speaker 2:I'm going to jump to this time and you tell me Christian, I said I swear and I'm not supposed to.
Speaker 3:I'm going to jump to this time and you tell me if you want to go backwards a little bit to give some context, and then I think we can move into some of what Angie's story is. But I get a phone call from my boy, christian. I was in the summertime and there was some confusion going on in your life. Can you go into what the confusion was in your life?
Speaker 2:Man. I started off by saying it seems as though my head was so clouded and I couldn't see past the fog that was there. I was confused about why I wasn't able to commit to marrying somebody I had been dating for six or almost seven years, which was Angie. But yeah, that was the confusion. The confusion was like why am I not there mentally or just anywhere? Like why can I not see past this fog of I don't know what it is and be all in? And it was a pretty sad time for me because as much as I wanted to actually be all in, I was always in my head.
Speaker 3:Yeah, and since we recorded your episode in 2020, we have been on the road together. You've been on the road doing gospel. Your life has been all around gospel. Gospel has been your thing, checking your motive, check it like this has been a way that you've been living. But we get to this situation last summer where you're like why am I tripping? And you don't have to answer that question now, we'll let the story unfold on what was going on. But, yeah, what were you thinking? What was your plan? You're just like. I don't know why. I'm like for better, because I don't have a better term. Why don't I have cold feet here? Why don't I want to move forward?
Speaker 2:I was staying at your house for a little bit, yeah, during this time.
Speaker 3:I think we talked on the phone first and then you actually came out, and when you came out the first night it was like the elephant in the room. We're going to talk about this thing, dog. What is up?
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's. The thing is that I had no clue as to where to begin, and I had some things that I thought could have been the thing which we'll talk about later, but for the most part it was.
Speaker 1:That's just where you were, like I don't know why. You didn't actually have any other thought other than like why? Because when I would ask you, you would always say I don't know, I don't know, and I would just be like, just tell me something and I'd be like I literally just I literally don't know.
Speaker 3:And so, angie, we just talked about you not getting your identity from Christian. Did you know he was feeling some sort of weird way? Could you feel that? And how did you reckon with that? What was going on with you?
Speaker 1:as this is going on, I definitely noticed something was up with him, because, it's like you were saying, it was like he just he was acting different and he just wasn't his normal self. I really know who he is and he has so much joy and I just felt like he just was so different, something was completely off about him and I was like this is weird, and sometimes I would just ask him like, hey, are you okay, or what's going on or what's up, and then he would spend a lot of time just on his phone and I was, like Christian's, not one to literally just be on his phone just scrolling all the time. He always talks about how he loves to be in the moment, fully present, and I just felt like every time that I was with him he wasn't fully present. And so I would bring it up a lot and tell him hey, what's going on? Like why aren't you here? You're here but you're not here, and we would have the same conversation over and over again and it was really frustrating for me because I wanted an answer and I would pray about it and I'd be like I think it was hard because it's like I knew my identity wasn't found in Christian, but there was this lie, the same lie, literally just wanting to come back and speak to me. Oh, maybe Christian doesn't want to marry you because you're missing something, or maybe you're not enough of this, maybe you're not enough of that. So I was just thinking is there something that I need to do? So I remember even one day I prayed like God is there something that I need to like, be like, basically fixed? What is it about me that needs to be fixed in order for Christian to see that I can be a good wife?
Speaker 3:And I was like nothing I didn't feel right. It's a lie from the pit of hell.
Speaker 1:And so one day I just decided to tell him we need to talk about this. What is it you want to do? Are you saying you want to date forever because you're saying you don't want to break up with me? And this is the first time we ever talked about it, which I think was in January of last year, and he didn't have anything to say. Again it was the same thing, just I don't know. And he did say some things that sometimes I just feel like I'm not ever going to know or that I will know. So it's not fair that I keep you waiting, but I also don't want to break up. It was just very undecided. I both decided to secret place about it, and something that God had told me was stay and wait, and you have nothing to prove to anyone. You don't need to convince yourself I mean convince anyone of anything. You get to just be and receive. And so then I was like okay.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and here's the thing is, although I didn't know just to define it real quick I did not know the lie that was clouding my mind as to why I couldn't commit, because that's what it was. It was a lie, that's what we're going to talk about. But although I couldn't see what the lie was clearly and identify it whatever, there were things that I would participate in that, just to be blunt, like mess with my conscience.
Speaker 3:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I would. Here's the thing for people who are listening to us yes, I was free. Yes, I, the gospel had changed my life. Yes, here I am doing ministry for these three years after receiving gospel in like 2018. But I did happen to get into moments where I ended up going back to the things that I used to do or thinking the same way that I used to think. However, the beautiful thing about moments like that is that I knew now that they had no hold on me, right? I knew now that I was actually not that thing, right or not the things that I would participate in. However, moments like that violated my conscience and it got to this point where I think, because I allowed for that, I ended up having this cloud in my mind where I can't commit to this girl because now, all of a sudden, there's a lie there.
Speaker 3:But I think this point is important to make. Sin sucks. It sucks before you're free and it sucks after you're free. And this is the example I like to give. If I don't know that ramming my head into the wall hurts, when I do it, man, it will hurt. It will hurt. The same, though, if I know that it hurts and yet I still do it, like sin sucks all around. And yes, there's something to know about if you slip up, you're still not condemned and you're still in Christ and turn from that thing. Yet don't let your conscience be violated like move with a sensitive conscience. I remember the you came to visit. We drove down to Atlanta, and I remember, specifically, we were driving to our friend Paola's house where we were going to stay, and something was just hitting you and we're like I felt okay, now we're actually talking, we're actually getting somewhere, but nothing just ever really landed. And I remember when you left, I was like I don't know, Like I don't know. Natalie was like what's happening, what's going on with Christian and Angie? And I said I don't really know what to tell you. I think Christian is just he's still confused.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And then we saw you in Wyoming and it felt like something was different. You want to talk about what happened, and it's still going to get crazier, yeah.
Speaker 2:So yeah. So right before we had that trip to Wyoming, me and Angie have this moment where she sits down and she tells me Christian, I need to have an answer as to whether we're going to.
Speaker 1:Before you get into that, that whole after that, after, like the whole after January, for me that whole time was just. It was hard, because anytime that I was with Christian I wanted to enjoy my time with him. But I was in, I was constantly in my head, he was in his head and I was in my head because I would question every single thing about our relationship, Because I was trying to figure it out. Since he wasn't giving me an answer, I was trying to figure it out. If he hugged me, I was like, oh, today's going to be a good day because here we are, he's starting off with giving me a hug, and then it would come another day where he wouldn't even like look at me, and so then I'd be like, oh, it's going to be a bad day. But it was like the tiniest things. I was just constantly in my head and I think I just literally got so tired of hearing all these lies and knowing their lies and speaking truth over them, but also not necessarily always accepting the truth, just being like I know that's a lie, but still still feels pretty bad. Yeah. So I was just, I was exhausted, is what it was, and I was like I know that this is not the life that either of us are supposed to be living. It's not good for me, it's not good for Christian. I love him and I want good for both of us. So we have to come to a decision. He had left for I don't even remember, I think it was just like a trip you went to Arizona, he left, and then he came back. And when he came back usually whenever he'd go somewhere and he would come back, I would be very excited to see him. But this time around, I don't know why, it was the weirdest thing. I literally was just like Christian's coming back, Great. But I wasn't excited and that made me sad because I was like, why am I not excited? My boyfriend's going to come home and I haven't seen him in two weeks. And usually I'm like, yeah, he's finally going to come back and we're going to get to spend time together. But I think this time it was just he's going to come back and it's going to be the same thing we're not going to have anywhere else. It's going to be the same thing we're not going to have anywhere that we're going and we're both just going to be in our heads and it's going to be this awkwardness, Because it's almost like you were saying there was like this elephant in the room but he wasn't being addressed. It was literally just there and the both of us were avoiding it and we're like let's just leave it alone and not talk about it, Because if we do, then it's going to kick us in the face. So I wasn't really just okay, that's it. We were like sitting down watching, I think, Toy Story and I was like I can't watch this movie. I can't act like things are fine. I need to talk to you. I was like I'm really sad, I've been really sad and I just I can't hide it anymore. I can't act like things are perfectly fine between us. I need for you to like give me an answer.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and she was like, are we going to do this or not? And I could not give her an answer, bro, and I think that did, we give it like a day.
Speaker 1:So what happened is that I told you. I was like what is it? And then we both were just like crying and then he said I think it's really late and we're both very emotional. We should talk tomorrow. And I was just like okay. I said okay, but in my head I was thinking, oh my gosh, another day I have to wait again. And I think he was father his day the next day.
Speaker 3:And this is all before Wyoming. Yeah, all before. Okay.
Speaker 2:And for those of you who don't know what we did in Wyoming we just have a big gathering with a lot of our friends from love reality and we just got together.
Speaker 1:You and Wilson.
Speaker 2:We had been planning that trip for a while, so both Angie and I were looking forward to that.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And here we are the next day after that one night, and again we go watch Buzz Lightyear in theaters because it came out. We have a great day.
Speaker 1:It was the most awkward like time. But also I got like really sad during the movie because I felt that whole day I just felt like Christian's going to break up with me like this it. And so if this is the last day that I'm going to get to spend with him like, I'm going to enjoy it so sad.
Speaker 3:It's like when you know you're taking your dog to the vet, put him down. You're like yeah his favorite food.
Speaker 1:We'll talk about that.
Speaker 3:No, because that's yeah. Sorry, RIP Wallace and what I don't know your dog's name Holy Nepoli.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we come to that night and we went back to your house and we were like just there chilling on the couch and watching TikTok I think we even made a TikTok or something. And then we just looked at each other and we were like are we going to talk? Should we talk here? Should we go to your room and talk? It was so awkward.
Speaker 2:So we go to my room and we start talking and I started talking. She started talking, basically so largely, we're sure, that night she asked me again what are we doing? What's the what's your decision? Give me your decision. And, bro, literally I sit there for two to three hours, like five, unable to speak a word, and the only thing I say is like yo, I'm such a Right now, like we can't put that in the pod.
Speaker 3:Dude, he killed me no.
Speaker 2:Just move it out. Just move it out. Okay, eddie, just leave that out. But I'm just that's. The only thing that came out of my mouth was like you know.
Speaker 1:He literally said that though.
Speaker 2:Like, and it sucked because I could not give her an answer. My mind was so clouded, so fogged, I couldn't even say yes or no, bro. It was like.
Speaker 1:The thing was is that I knew what his answer was, and I think I just wanted for him to say it himself. I wanted for him to be able to own up to it and you know the answer was Was no. I can't do this Because of how he Like how our relationship had been the fact that he literally couldn't say anything and it just literally looked like he felt bad to tell me he didn't want to be in the relationship anymore. And I literally remember telling him it's okay if you say no, I'm not going to hate you, you're a good person. This changes nothing about either one of us, just that we're not going to be together. But I really I think it was that I just wanted to hear him actually say it and own up to it.
Speaker 2:And he couldn't, and I couldn't because, deep down, I wanted to say yes, but I didn't know. I didn't know what was keeping me from being there. And that's the thing that sucked the most.
Speaker 1:And he actually had said that to me and I was just okay. Thanks, that's more confusing.
Speaker 2:So, anyways, that night finishes. And, by the way, carlos, who's my best friend, was in the next room listening to us cry and he's very lip-bull.
Speaker 1:He heard us sobbing and he was like it's okay, I love you.
Speaker 2:She goes home that night and I thought it was over. Yeah, the next day is when I call you and Eddie. So I call you and Eddie on the phone and I'm crying and I'm like guys, I forget exactly how I opened the conversation up, but basically I tell you guys, I don't know what to do. I'm so confused right now and it sucks. I remember saying it sucks that I can't say yes, but I want to. And I remember Eddie telling me he said look bro, as long as you make a decision from integrity and a pure heart, you're good.
Speaker 3:Eddie and I both believed the same things. I didn't say what I believed because I'm always for breaking up. I'm the biggest fan of breaking up and I'm not sure if I told you in that conversation to break up.
Speaker 2:You did.
Speaker 3:But my advice is always break up, and I think it just makes things clearer, it just makes things super clear. But what my heart wants, and what everybody always wants when it comes to you, christian, is for you to be with Angie, because we all think Angie is the best, we all love Angie and I remember even Eddie and I talking afterwards on the phone I'm like dog, they need to break up, and Eddie's like you're stupid dude, and I'm like I know that I want them to be together, but I don't think dude will be able to see it if they don't break up, because we all wanted the same things, even you, just didn't know it. How did you make a decision moving forward?
Speaker 2:Also, mind you, during this whole time, it's not like I'm not in the secret place or I'm not seeking the Lord. That's a part of what was so crazy to us, that even in the midst of seeking the Lord about clarity, it was just so foggy and I didn't want to make a decision based on how I felt, and so that's what sucked about that night is that I literally could not come to a decision. She was like basically, no decision is a decision, I'm out. And for me, I was like yo, I'm, father, give me clarity. And so I remember just taking the longest shower, because that's where I spend a lot of time with the Lord. And I'm there taking the longest shower in the world, bro, just thinking about what you and Eddie were telling me and just praying. And, bro, the Lord just tells me and just affirms me on that Christian, like you are a man of integrity, you have a pure heart, and that's the only thing he affirms me on that day.
Speaker 3:So when we get to Wyoming you, me and Eddie, we get into the cabin and you give us this news that I did not see coming, and that news was we go back together the next day, yeah no, it was before Wyoming, bro.
Speaker 1:Before Wyoming I call Angie, the day after I call you and Eddie, and it's so funny because I see my phone ringing and I see it's Christian and I'm like what the heck is Christian doing calling me? I thought we were broken up. I'm like maybe he needs a ride somewhere or something. Oh yeah.
Speaker 3:Now I remember this. We all thought man Wyoming is going to be mad awkward.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and I remember debating if I should go or not, cause I was like that's my community too and I don't want to feel like I can't be somewhere because Christian's going to be there. But I know that I'm going to feel super uncomfortable and also really sad seeing him. So I was just like man, I don't know if I should go or if I shouldn't. And yeah, he called me and I was like okay, let's see what he wants. And I was like hello, like really confused, and he was just like hey, what's up? And I'm like hey, what's up? X.
Speaker 3:She's checking in the day after we broke up.
Speaker 1:And I was just like I'm at work, what's up? And I was just like nothing much, just that I want to marry you. And I was like this isn't a game, like this isn't a game. And he was just like no, I know. And then I was like okay, so then what happened? And he was just like spear and I was like duh. But what did he say?
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I, after I hear the Lord just affirm me on, go like you are a man of integrity and you have a pure heart, like just make a decision. And so I remember and just thinking, in a moment, yo, you know what After feelings forget what I'm feeling, I'm just gonna. I'm just gonna do it because it's even though I'm not there mentally or whatever, I just want to do it Call this girl, tell her, because I'm like, forget everything I'm feeling right now. I'm not going to make it off of feelings or whatever, I go for it.
Speaker 1:And it was still very weird. I was just like, if he was able I think it was because I was expecting like once he makes a decision he would know and then he would be like different towards me. But he was still very the same, still very in his head and quiet and weird, and I was just like this kind of feels, the same.
Speaker 2:Well, well intentioned, but I, for sure, was just trying to force something.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I will say that it was nice getting to spend Wyoming together. Yeah, praise.
Speaker 3:God, that didn't suck. So that's what you told us in the room. You're like yo, we're getting married and Eddie and I are just like Eddie's like super pumped, of course, bro, like we've all seen this. And I was just like bro, I was confused, I was on a mug, no, I break up. I don't know what I was feeling. I try to remember by what I had said to Natalie later and I was just like because, had you guys talked to your folks already about it?
Speaker 1:Yes, so he went to my parents' house and that's when he told my dad.
Speaker 2:He was like is this before Wyoming? Yeah, we went to your parents' house before.
Speaker 1:Wyoming. And then he tells my dad he's, yeah, we used to have sex like all the time. It's all the time I was like what?
Speaker 3:That's how you started out, it's like but we're now free from sin, you feel me, so we're good right.
Speaker 2:And, like you know, whoever's listening to me podcast. There's like they're everywhere right now.
Speaker 3:Yeah, okay, listener, there was a lot of confusion and if you've listened to their previous episodes, you know how they were living. If you don't know how they were living, they were living in a way they shouldn't be, which brought a lot of condemnation, and the sin was destroying their relationship from the inside out. They both get free and they make this decision to live sexually pure, and that's where this is coming from. So you would have to know that context of them living in condemnation and then receiving freedom and deciding to live sexually pure to understand how crazy it is that Christian would go to his father-in-law potentially father-in-law and be like hey, man, I'm just living in the light now and this is what I was doing in the darkness which you're a wild boy.
Speaker 2:Obviously I wasn't straight in his face automatically like that. We were having a conversation, they were asking us why, and all this other stuff. But here's the thing that her dad was very wise in that he said you know what, give it some time and then come back to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, he had told us he was like I'm hearing you guys out and I think you guys should come back to us in two weeks he's given two weeks and then come and talk to us. So I think my dad could still see that something was not right.
Speaker 3:Stevie Wonder could see that something was just right. That's why I was like what is happening?
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 3:But it's all good.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I had told her dad that day. I had told her dad about my experience with how we had broken up, and then I called you guys and how, ultimately, I had made the decision, because I said you know what I love this girl, so forget how I'm feeling right now and not being clear on it. I explained that all to him, but I do respect the fact that he was able to navigate that situation and be like I hear you, dude, but take two weeks and then come back. I think the Lord for that, because that's the fatherly wisdom in him. And few weeks go by and, bro, when we're in Wyoming, I remember you guys asking me to like how are you feeling about it all? And I remember telling you guys I don't. I still feel the confusion, like I still feel cloudy, I still feel uneasy, but I want to make. I want to make that choice, I want to meet that commitment. And I remember you guys just questioning me on it and you guys were like there's no other girl there's, you're not living in sin. At least Eddie was pressing hard on those questions, right. And and I'm going to be here, bro, I'm just no, I'm just, I just have these confusions, right, and then, yeah, that leads to the, the, the two weeks that her dad was was telling us, and I don't know if we actually wait two weeks or a little bit longer than that.
Speaker 1:Two weeks had passed and then I was just hey, are we going to go and talk to my parents? It's been two weeks. And then he would keep saying, oh, next week, and then the same thing. Oh, no, next week, he's on a one. No, when it's time to go and talk to him, he's I don't. He said I don't think it's time yet, I don't know. And I was just okay. And then I was like this kind of feels like the same thing. He's avoiding it in a way, and it feels like I'm the only one that's pushing for it, which I really didn't like, because I also knew God had told me you don't have to push for anything or try to convince anyone of anything. And I was like this just feels wrong, because it feels like I am doing that, trying to take it into my own hands.
Speaker 2:When was it that God told you the whole thing about? When you asked something like a married Christian or whatever?
Speaker 1:Oh, that was actually before. Before what the first breakup?
Speaker 2:Okay, share that real quick.
Speaker 1:And I think that's actually what pushed me to tell him, like, make a decision. Because there was just a while where I would look at married couples and I was a nanny at the time and so I would see them with their kids and I would see just like a lot of parents with their kids, and I noticed I started having feelings of jealousy man, that should be me. Or like when am I going to get that life? I have lived a good life, I deserve those things. Why can't I have them? And so I just remember one day I was feeling super down and I decided to call Eddie and I was just like, hey, I just I'm feeling like very down right now and I need to talk about this with someone and I could just honestly use some encouragement. Eddie was like okay, we're going to ask Holy Spirit three questions and you tell me what he says. And I was like okay. So the first question was is marriage and family something you have for me? And he said yes. And then the next question was when. The answer was soon. And the last question was is it with Christian? And the answer was it's up to you, and it's up to you was. It felt very funny to me because it was like how is it up to me? If it was up to me, we'd get married tomorrow.
Speaker 3:And you just felt the Holy Spirit saying these things to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, literally, it was like the first thing, the first, the first thought, basically is like how we could describe it. And so I was just like, okay. And so then, whenever we broke up, I was just like this is up to me, we're broken.
Speaker 3:In your face, Holy Spirit. You didn't know what you were talking about.
Speaker 1:No, like in my face, it's like a big old fat joke kind of thing, very funny. And so then I started feeling I guess I don't know my father's voice and I it was just like all these lies wanting to come up. You don't actually know what I sound like, you don't actually listen to me. And I knew they were lies, cause I'm like obviously the father who loves me would not tell me that you don't know who I am, or like you don't know this, you don't know that. And so there was just like a lot of lies that wanted to come with that, and so it allowed for me to doubt myself and my relationship with the father. And so, yeah, I don't know where you will Fast forward to.
Speaker 3:After these two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, Christian still not wanted to go. Talk to your folks.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know for how long that took, I just remember during that time just coming to the point to where it's like you know what, I just can't do it. And one day I go to her dad and I basically told him like I want you to know how much I love your daughter and how much I respect you and your family, but unfortunately, like I'm just not there and I don't know why, and it makes me sad, and I was just basically telling him like it's not going to happen. It's not going to happen, and so that day I break up with Angie, and it's of. It was a very. It was a different breakup, though, and I think the Lord for who we are in him, because, although it hurt a lot, it was very peaceful in the sense that when we broke up, there was no animosity, no sense of I don't ever want to see you again. It was just like, hey, we understand each other, we love each other, and until we're ready to actually see each other as friends, I'll see you around. And it was. It was. It was way more harder for her than it was for me. I know that were a fact.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was very sad and I felt really dumb because when I saw him talking to my dad, I had actually sent a picture to Carlos and I was like ooh, and I pulled the emojis and then the ring, thinking oh, is he talking to my dad saying he wants to get married? And then maybe an hour later he's waiting to have a really hard conversation. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I'm so dumb and I was just crying immediately. But it was. It was amazing to know that I I wasn't like man, I hate this guy. He has done this to me three times now but it was just genuinely sad knowing that we were not going to be together and I didn't know it was the next time that I was going to see him, because I really appreciated just doing life with him and so I was like I'm no longer going to get to do that. And I think that's the part that made me the most sad is that I didn't know when I was going to be able to do life with him again.
Speaker 2:Yes, For three months we didn't see each other.
Speaker 3:How did we? How did you guys?
Speaker 1:tell us. I just reached out to Eddie and Morgan and I was like that's it, like we're done, we're officially done, and I knew I needed people who were going to encourage me in a way that was going to call me higher and not just bad mouth Christian, and that was something that I just made very clear to everyone, that I didn't want to talk mess about him. I was like there's no point in doing that. It doesn't make anything better, it doesn't change the situation, doesn't make me feel better. Let's just not do it, because Christian is still an amazing person. He still has an amazing heart. He just made a not so great decision.
Speaker 3:I think that's what I remember. I didn't remember sitting in my living room and we got a text from Morgan, I think, and Natalie and I are sitting there and Christian and Angie broke up and we're both like what?
Speaker 4:And, then yes.
Speaker 3:No, I wasn't. I thought that the breakup had already happened, the one that needed to happen had happened, the one that was for like 24 hours, yes, no-transcript. Then Natalie and I called you. I was like I don't need to call Christian right now. He's solid Christian, will be cool and if he needs me he'll call me. I don't know why I didn't call Christian. I'm sure we talked about it. I don't even know if we talked about it later. Actually.
Speaker 2:I didn't talk to anybody about it.
Speaker 3:But I was like let's call Angie and I said, hey, how are you doing? And you were just honest. You're like this sucks. And you were crying yeah, but there wasn't any faking it, there wasn't any trying to hide it. It was like but I'm good.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:And so we were just able to encourage you and you're like you're good. While this is sad, you are good.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:There was yeah, I briefly just mentioned I didn't talk to anybody about it, everyone already knew where I was A big push asked like making the decision. I think was a phone call. I had Rajanathan and I remember Rajanathan telling me like what do you want to do? And I was like I don't want to get married. And he said finish that sentence. And I said with Angie and he was like okay, then what are you waiting for? And I said what are you doing? He said it would be unfair to her for you to drag her along until you find this mental clarity that you're looking for and that you're asking God for he's. You got to let her experience what she's ready for, even if it means it's not with you, and all that in light of what love is and how we see other people. It was just for me. I was like I got to make the decision, I got to be willing to be okay with letting go, even though I'm not clear on my stuff, because it doesn't speak to who I am as a person, it doesn't speak to my value, it doesn't speak to who I am in Christ, right, like I know the Lord will see me through and I know the Lord will see her through. I just have to be willing to make the hard decision because I love her, and it wasn't easy. It wasn't easy but I did it, and for three months, well, yeah, so back to that. For three months we didn't talk to each other, we had no contact with each other and I remember taking those three months to just plug myself in with my community. So everyone that I did life with man I try to get connected as much as possible. And prior to that breakup, I had just lost my job at a church I was at and I had also experienced some pretty heavy depression that I had never experienced before due to a lot of death with people that I loved a lot. And I'm not saying that those things were by any means justification for the decision I was making or whatever, but I needed community really bad.
Speaker 3:I don't think there are excuses, but there are reasons, like why you are depressed. There's reasons and it doesn't give. There's never excuse for doing something you shouldn't do, but there are if we are living in this or like this happens, or you know yeah.
Speaker 2:And that's the thing too, is that what's interesting about this decision that was made was like I had to be taught that it was just a decision. It wasn't tied to a good or a bad thing, meaning evil or righteous, like when Eddie was like make a decision based off integrity and a pure heart. That's how you make decisions. That's how you move. If the decision is no, but it comes from a place of integrity and a pure heart, then that's the decision, right. If the decision is yes, praise the Lord, but that's the decision. But what I learned also was like was that I learned that it was just a decision, and part of the fear in making a decision was that I was gonna make the wrong one. And I think a lot of people feel that way, not just like relationships, but when it comes to like big life decisions and what you're gonna do. You get to this moment where you're like, oh shoot, if I take this one, then I screw up everything that, like God, had been working for my life. And yeah, there was this lie. That was like if I don't marry Angie, I'm not doing the right thing, kind of thing.
Speaker 3:So you got that community. You were in the secret place still like at these three months were a good thing.
Speaker 2:It was a very good thing and, yeah, I spent time with you guys. We were up in Oregon. I don't know if you went to that one, did you?
Speaker 3:I think I was there for a little bit yeah.
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, we did an event in Oregon together, and then I spent some time with Aiden and some of our friends here in Texas, and I was out in Hawaii for a little bit too during these three months. And during these three months I was just seeking the Lord for clarity. And it wasn't clarity so that I can get back with Angie. It was clarity so that I could understand why my mind was so clouded. I didn't like it, I didn't like being there, and I just wanted the Lord to show me, like yo, what am I? What's keeping me from seeing clearly, what was keeping me from being able to commit to Angie? I just wanted to know, for the sake of just knowing and growing and understanding.
Speaker 3:So how were these three months for you, Angie?
Speaker 1:They were very interesting.
Speaker 3:Interesting, that's the word.
Speaker 1:Yeah, they were very interesting. I definitely missed Christian throughout those three months, just because he was.
Speaker 3:Did you think it was over where you're like? I'm like it's not over, but maybe we'll get back together. What was your mindset about that?
Speaker 1:I think there was a point like from the. It was like very early on from the breakup that I got very anxious because I was like expecting a text or a call just because that was the third time. It's like is it over, is it not? But then more than a week passed and then a month passed and it was just I think I really need to start telling myself that's it, this is done, and realizing that's okay. And I remember people were already telling me oh, you're gonna find someone better, someone who really is gonna love you. And yeah, that's great. But I was not ready to hear those things. I was just like, no, right now I don't want to try to go to another guy, which I'm really thankful for, because in the past I definitely would have looked for someone else to make me feel better, to speak some value or whatever over me, and I just knew from the moment I didn't want for anyone to fulfill me or try to complete me, but for, literally, me to just be like fulfilled and be content with where I was, like just me and the Lord. So I think a lot of that time for me was like a lot of seeking as well and just speaking truth over all the lies that were coming up, that there was something wrong with me and that's why Christian didn't want to be with me, or that I wasn't pretty enough, or that I needed to lose weight, just the tiniest things. Because I think throughout that time, since he didn't have a reason, and whenever we broke up, one of the things that he was saying he would tell me was there's nothing wrong with you. It's not that I'm not attracted to you, it's not, there's nobody else. I just literally don't know what it is, but there's nothing. It has nothing to actually do with you. And so I was just trying to figure out what it was to, and I think that's what caused a lot of the anxiety for me. It was just trying to come up with a reason for myself and realizing I can't come up with a reason, and so one of my prayers throughout that time was that God would give Christian clarity, and again, not for us to get back together, but just because I also wanted for him to be okay, because I knew what it was like to be in your head and to not have an answer, and I didn't want that for him.
Speaker 3:Also think you really loved him. I have this. I'm just reading this text from September 6th and it's just hey. I want to text Christian and tell him that I paid off this thing, or. Oh yeah, yeah, and should I do that? And my answer is always no, yeah, and I think that was. And you're like, should I feel stupid for wanting to do that? And I'm like, no, you really love him. Yeah, no, you shouldn't feel stupid, you still shouldn't do it. Yeah, you really loved him and you still really love him.
Speaker 1:I think that's what was like the most interesting for me throughout that time was just growing out of the habit of reaching out to Christian and telling him about little things that mattered to me, because he was the person I was doing life with and of course, it was natural that I was gonna wanna reach out to him when things in my life were happening. So it was really hard when I couldn't and I knew that I shouldn't, and so I'm really thankful for your hitching, that you were there throughout those times that I could tell you hey, I wanna do this.
Speaker 3:I know I, should you wanted to go to his show or text him on his birthday.
Speaker 4:And.
Speaker 3:I love your heart and I was like, please don't just love him in your heart and because, like, my whole thing was like don't let him know, like that's just for you.
Speaker 1:And I remember you even telling me one time you were like I said, yeah, you're right, he needs his space, and you were like, angie, you need your space. Like sure, you were just very okay, you love him, but, come on, you can't let him know that right now. So, yeah, I'm just super thankful for you throughout that time.
Speaker 3:Oh, praise the Lord. And so, yeah, I don't think we all thought, oh, this is another thing that you guys are gonna get back together, or anything like that. And I think the whole point that we wanna make right here is that you don't have to hide your feelings or act like you don't feel a certain way, or act like something doesn't hurt, and sometimes when we say feelings aren't, lord Jesus is that means, oh, I don't have feelings, I'm a freaking robot, or something like that. That is not the case. It's just that, even if you are sad, you're not discouraged, and it's not discouragement in the way. It's just like that you're done, like you're just. Even if you are sad, you're not complaining. Even if you are sad, the sadness doesn't make all of your decisions for you. And so, because it was sad, it was legit, like we were all sad.
Speaker 2:Yes, yesterday, me and Aiden were. He asked me what does misery loves company mean? And we were Googling it. And the misery loves company is the idea of somebody who's miserable, just wants somebody to be miserable with them.
Speaker 1:Oh, so they can feel their pain.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and they can wallow with them. And the cool thing about our experience in freedom, even in the midst of us going through this breakup and stuff, is that we never wished that on each other.
Speaker 1:I didn't want that.
Speaker 2:And we didn't try to get people to feel sorry for us.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because that's not what it was about.
Speaker 1:And I think it's funny because I would tell my family that a lot. I don't want for you to feel bad for me. Yes, I am sad, but I'm okay, and they'd be like you're crying, though. How are you saying you're okay if you're crying and I'm like because, like, I still have joy. Christian didn't take my joy. Yeah, I'm sad that we're not together and I miss him, and I was like that's normal, that's fine, but I am okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, that's a piece that surpasses all understanding. Yeah, Cause I mean you still had peace. Christian didn't take your peace and take your joy. So I want to jump to this part. We'll go with you first, Angie, and then we'll hear the backstory, but it's close to I don't know if it was a week before Thanksgiving. It might've been the week before Thanksgiving and you went to the movies. Tell this story here.
Speaker 1:It was season three, episode one of the Chosen. It was coming out in theaters and I was ready to go watch it with Christian's cousin and his mom. His mom originally wasn't gonna go. I didn't know that she was gonna be there until we were texting in a chat and his cousin was like, oh, lucy's gonna be here too. And I was just like, oh okay, I love Christian's mom and a part of me also was like I don't know that it's wise for me to still hang out with them. I love them and they are my friends, but I don't know that I'm like holding on to a part of Christian through them. So I was like you know what? We're gonna watch this movie. It's gonna be okay, let's not make a big deal about it. We watched it, it was super good Cried. And then we're leaving and his mom's I have something for you. And my mind immediately goes to oh my gosh, it's probably from Christian. And I was like, okay, wait, let's not go there though, because if it's not, then we're going to be super disappointed. It's like so, let's like, oh, okay. And so she hands me this and this it looks like a letter, basically, and I'm like what the heck is this. And I'm just like, oh, thank you. And then she's oh, that's from Christian. And I was just like okay. And so I just like already start crying because I'm like thinking, oh, what is this letter going to say? Like why is he writing me a letter? And then the only thing I really remember that she told me then was that she had been praying and that God had told her she did not need to worry and that everything was going to be okay, because he loves both me and Christian. And so she was just like just know that you're going to be okay and God loves you. And I'm like I want to see what this letter says. I get in my car. I get in my car and I'm like, let me just skim it really quick, because it's super late. I'm in a parking lot all by myself. I need to get home. This is not safe. And so, because I'm like feeling anxious and in a rush, I just look at the letter and the first thing I see is I have not received clarity. And I was like, oh, why? Why is Christian reaching out to me like to tell me the same thing? Like I was doing okay, like I was sad, but I'm okay, and I was like slowly, just like letting myself like move on. I'm like, but why is he bringing me back to this, like I didn't need this? So I just start bawling my eyes out and I'm like, okay, I need to calm down. I really need to go home. This isn't safe being here. So I start driving and I'm like wiping the tears off my face trying to see the road, because my eyes are so tears and I'm like this also isn't safe. And I'm like struggling to breathe and I'm like, okay, I need to call someone to like literally tell me I'm okay and that I can breathe because I know I can breathe and that I'm okay but I literally feel like I can't. So I just need to like actually hear it from someone. You can breathe, you're okay. That's like the best way I can describe it. And so I tried calling my cousin. She's not answering. And then I was like I don't think I actually want to call my cousin. No, I think I want to call Rich. So then I started calling Rich. They're calling you and you're not answering. And I'm like oh no, it's answering. I don't want answering. And then you call me back and you just hear me like, literally like.
Speaker 3:I could not understand a thing. You were saying it was, I think it was a Saturday night, right? Yeah, it was a Saturday night and it was like we had just finished this whole thing and we're doing ministry and you don't call me often. So if I get a call on a Saturday night late, I'm like and I didn't answer it because I didn't feel it in my pocket. And then I look and I'm like so I call you back and what did I tell you? I'm like Angie, pull over the car.
Speaker 1:You said where are you? And I was like I'm driving. You were like you need to pull over right now.
Speaker 3:And I'm like breathe in through your nose, yeah, out through your mouth three times slowly, yeah, and so you did that and I'm like what is going on? Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I was telling you how Christian wrote me this letter and that he's telling me that he hasn't received clarity and that I haven't finished reading it. But I'm just scared, and that I'm scared about what my family is going to say. Like why would Christian? I was like I don't want to go home, because if I go home, they're going to see that I was crying. They're going to ask me why I was crying and I'm going to have to tell them. And I don't want to tell them because then they're going to think Christian is such a douche, he's a jerk. Like why is he doing this to her again? Like why? And I'm like, and I just don't want to hear it, I don't want to hear their opinions, I don't want for them to say anything bad about him. And then if I start saying please don't talk bad about him, they're just going to say, oh, you just love him. So love is blind. And you're defending him again. Like when are you going to stop? Just a whole bunch of fear. And I remember you telling me that I had nothing to be afraid of. And the reason that I had nothing to be afraid of was because one, I was okay. And the reason that I was okay was because my future is secure in Christ, and I think that's honestly what calmed me down, because I was like he's right, no matter what this letter says, like my life is going to be okay Because Christ is with me and so he has good in store for me, no matter what. So I was actually able to drive home and I made it home safe, and then I decided I was going to wait to read the letter until I was ready, until I was like fully calm and by myself, because I knew that it was just something that I needed to do on my own. And so it was just really funny because, since I had watched the shows and the first thing that he says is do not be anxious Like that's the very first line do not be anxious. And then that week I was also reading I think it was proverb, something I can't remember, but it's talking about not being anxious. And then, finally, when I decide to read this letter, I couldn't remember what it was. I was like I don't know what it was. I was like I don't know what it was. I read this letter Christian starts it out with here Let me just. Let me just read this first part really quick. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with Thanksgiving, let your request be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there's any excellence, if there's anything worthy of praise, think about these things, what you have learned and received and heard and seen in me. Practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you and Philippians four. Yeah, sorry, philippians four is six through seven. And so then I'm like, okay, yeah, like literally everyone is telling me like don't be anxious, you have nothing to be anxious about, you have nothing to fear.
Speaker 2:And then Hold on Before you read the rest. Is this where I should give the backstory before?
Speaker 3:I feel like this is a good point yeah.
Speaker 2:Get a good call, wow, um, okay, so yeah. So, again, during those three months, I'm asking for clarity and here's what I started doing I, every day, like my secret place starts looking, like me talking with the Lord, like on the phone, like every day. So like, I started writing notes as far as like how my day is going, like what I'm experiencing, like the thoughts I'm having during the day. And it was the coolest thing, cause it was just me and the Lord, bro, just me and the Lord, just me and the Lord. And up to that point, one of the one of the biggest things about my relationship with Angie is that, besides the fact that I was clouded, I could never picture us married. I couldn't see it in my head, I couldn't visualize it, I couldn't like.
Speaker 1:Our wedding.
Speaker 2:Our wedding. I couldn't see it, like even her in a dress, like I couldn't picture her or seen her in a dress or anything like that. And here I am asking the Lord for clarity. And again, I'm doing life with a lot of my friends and community and I'm having conversations with everybody about it and I remember one day the Lord just tells me like bro, just admit it, bro. And I'm like, uh, I mean what he's just admitted, dude, just just say it. You know you've been entertaining the thought of other relationships, just admit it. And it was funny because up to that point I had never, I had never considered that a thing that I was believing it was the first step to clarity, if that makes sense. It was pretty cool because in this one moment, all of a sudden clarity begins to happen. Right, spiritus, just admit that during your relationship with Angie, you were always okay with somebody else coming along and you beginning a relationship and I was like dang, that's wild, that sucks. But it took the spirit calling me out for me to actually bring this thing to light. And just that simple confession of, of of the thought I was entertaining, led me to the understanding of yeah, if I'm too busy entertaining the idea that somebody else could come along. That's a dirt, that's what's the word and that's a clear. That's a clear red flag, or that's a clear flag of the fact that I'm not truly walking with the gift that I've been given. I can't truly see my gift for what it is If I'm not even like 100% grasping onto it, if that makes sense. I'm too busy entertaining all the other possibilities instead of actually being present with the thing that's in front of them.
Speaker 3:Right.
Speaker 2:And that one thing just gave me that much bit of clarity. And so I remember just still during those days, man just keeping on praying. And one day I'm in Carlos's home and we had just moved out of the house we were living in and again I had just lost the job I had and so like I'm literally like in limbo of like where to live, because I have no place to live at this point. That's why I also was like going with the communities that I was at, because I had nowhere to go, and I was like, let me just travel with people, let me just and while I'm at Carlos's, I remember being by myself and me asking the Lord all right, I'm by myself. Now, if there's anything you want me to like see, like you know, you can show me. So yeah, so I'm here in this moment by myself, and all of a sudden I get this picture of me and Angie giving each other our bows. So we're in this moment, at this point. I describe it as like I had this moment where I saw something. Some people would describe it as a vision. So let's say I have this vision, so it's a vision, right? So here I am in this moment in Carlos's apartment, where I see Angie in front of me and we are in our wedding and again, I had never been able to see us getting married. Here we are, I'm seeing this moment happen and she's standing right in front of me and as I come into this scene, I understand. I'm understanding that it's our turn to give each other our vows right. So at this point, when I come into this moment, she's already given hers and it's my turn. How I know that I don't know. It's just, it's what it felt like. So it's my turn to give the vows and in my head I'm thinking like yo, I want to see what she's seeing. So I go to the bathroom and I look in the mirror so I can see myself in this moment. And as soon as I know that it's my turn to speak, I don't even have time to think of what to say. It's like spirit just pulls the words out of my mouth and I say I don't deserve you. And I was so shocked when that came out of my mouth. I was so speechless in a way. And I remember hearing Eddie's voice in my head saying there it is.
Speaker 4:Like that's the lie.
Speaker 1:It was crazy, bro, I had no time to think of what I was going to say.
Speaker 2:And as quickly as I know that it's my turn to say the vows, all of a sudden this thing gets pulled, and I say this thing gets pulled out of me because that's what it felt like. It just flew out and I was like I don't deserve you. And the moment I said that and then I heard Eddie's voice and I just started crying. Bro, I started crying immediately and I'm looking in the mirror and I'm like God, keep it coming, just keep it coming, because clarity is happening, and it was. That was such a dope moment for me, because that's a lie. I didn't know. I was like believing that I was going to be like that. I didn't deserve to be with someone like Angie, and it was. That's why it shocked me so much that when it came out, I was like, oh shoot, what the heck.
Speaker 3:Doesn't that tie back to old familial ways of thinking?
Speaker 2:Oh, 100%, yeah, Big time. I think in the in my podcast, the first one, one of the lies that I say that God freed me from, was the lie that I was unlovable. And fast forward. Here I am unknowingly entertaining the thought of I don't deserve somebody like Angie, and so that was that moment, man. And another day I'm driving down the road and at this point I was an Uber driver. By the way, I'm like a. I'm a top tier Uber driver, bro, in case you didn't know, check my stats. Check my stats. I'm what they. I'm the guy they send to VIP clients because of how good my track record is bro.
Speaker 3:That's no kizzy bro, no kizzy bro.
Speaker 2:I don't drive Uber no more, though, but when I did- oh my gosh, what a sweet ride it was. I hung my jersey up. So, anyways, after a late night shift of Uber, I'm driving home and it's 10, almost 11 o'clock at night. And driving home, I mean driving back to Carlos's apartment, and I'm driving and I'm looking at downtown it's the most beautiful thing ever and I'm playing this song. It's shuffled on and I had only heard it once before that day and it plays again. And the cool thing about this song, this song is called. What is it called?
Speaker 1:A round.
Speaker 2:It's called a round and it's by this artist named Cortez. He's a Christian R&B artist and the song is pretty cool because at the beginning it describes this guy who's confused and he's struggling with identity and isolating himself. And then the pre-chorus entertains the idea of just hold on, just breathe. And then the chorus goes you've always been around. And he's talking about God In the midst of all this. You've always been around. And then the second verse talks about commitment and his commitment to God. And the lyrics of that verse go. It says and it's to the grave for you, through the hurt, through the trials, through the tests and the rain for you. It's unashamed for you. And as long as the sun's going to rise, I'm a lover and I'm still going to try just to love like you do. And I remember hearing those lyrics and the moment the second verse starts, bro, I have this picture of Angie walking down the aisle and she's wearing a white dress and I'm like, oh, shoot, let's go. And I'm driving down this highway Downtown is beautiful. And I'm listening to this song and as I get this image of Angie walking down the aisle in a white dress, it's to the grave for you, through the hurt, through the trial, through the tests and the rain for you. It's unashamed for you. And as long as the sun's going to rise, I'm a lover and I'm still going to try just to love like you do, bro. And I remember having this image in my head and the thought that came to mind was I want that, I want that. And I just started bawling, bro, and I'm like, yeah and for, like. It was crazy, because the fog was cleared, man, what I couldn't see through, and it was much more better than what I was asking for. I was just asking God, give me clarity for why I was tripping, you know. But he was like, no, I'm going to show you what you really desire. And I was like, oh my goodness, crazy. And I remember, just after having that moment, man, it never went away and I was like I want that. Not too long later, maybe a couple of days later, I started talking to Carlos and my sister about the whole situation. I was like I'm going to reach out to her. And I talked to my mom too, and my mom was like, christian, I swear you break her heart again, I'm going to hurt you. Like my mom said something along those lines or something like that. She said something like don't do that to her again. Like this better be like the last one. And I'm like mom, like I've never had clarity like this before. It's insane. And so I began to write this letter, bro. And what's crazy about this letter is that every time I read it it blows my mind how much I believe the Holy Spirit just wrote it himself. Because I read it and I'm like yo, this is too freaking good. I couldn't come up with this myself. I just know I couldn't. Obviously the spirit works through me and like I receive that, but like the fact that, like I'm reading this and I'm like yo, it's like somebody writing the Bible, like that's how fire this is, bro, like it's crazy. And in the process of writing the letter, the Lord just gave me even much more clarity on certain things, one of those things being how I used to always be afraid of people telling me like you're just like your dad, even in and they're not being mean by that, they're just comparing like my appearance to him, or like how I walk or how I talk.
Speaker 1:It could be like a simplest oh, you have your dad's nose. And he would always be like no, no, I look like my mom, I look only like my mom, and I was like it's normal, like that's your dad, you're going to have some like features.
Speaker 3:This is cap. I don't look like him.
Speaker 2:It's chaff that dude's ugly. Bro, I'm fine, I'm fine, peace, yeah. So like I had these moments and I remember the Lord just giving me clarity on the fact that at some point in my life and I wrote this in the letter is that at some point in my life I had decided that I wasn't going to be like my dad. But because I tried so hard not to be like him, I, because I was trying so hard not to be like him I was believing the lie that I was just like my dad. So it was this idea of I'm running away from what I believe I am. It was weird and I would look at my dad's life and my life at this particular moment and when I would compare it, it's just I couldn't help but think yo, am I headed down the same path. Like my dad was not ever committed to my mom. He was on and off with her. I just recently found out that they set like he separated from my mom when she was pregnant, and he did, and he never gave her a reason why. He never gave her a reason why as to why he left. And I look at my, the life, that my relationship with Angie up to that point and I was like yo, I've been on and off with Angie, I have been unable to commit, whether it's sure I was clouded or whatever, but I wasn't able to give her a solid reason as to like why, why I could never commit and praise the Lord that we were free and live different lives, because if we weren't free I'm pretty sure we would have had a kid and who knows what that would have been like. But I'm looking at that situation and I'm like it looks pretty similar to me and I remember the Lord and I also wrote this in a letter where I just remembered the Lord asking me like Christian, your dad had the gift of a beautiful marriage. Your dad had the gift of a beautiful wife, which was your mom. Your dad had the gift of a beautiful child. Why would anybody reject a gift that good?
Speaker 3:if they don't believe they deserve it.
Speaker 2:And that was the only answer that came to my mind. And God was like this thing about generational curses. He says the way the enemy has been the way that works. He was the fact that the enemy has been feeding you the same lie he fed your dad, which was that you were undeserving of the good gifts that I have given you, he's like. But now you actually have the privilege of breaking that through receiving the good gifts that I've given you because you believe the truth that you are worthy of love, that you do deserve good things, because you are my son, you are my child and I'm a good dad and bro. It was crazy just my understanding of that, because it just opened a whole new world of how I see that situation with me and my dad, but also how I see my wife now.
Speaker 3:Okay, we're going to take a break right now and I'm going to introduce you to my friend, bernice. And Bernice has been running with us for a while and I just wanted to ask you this question how did you come across?
Speaker 4:good gospel. It was my daughter, my oldest daughter had, actually. We were in a conversation one day and she said something that I had never heard before. You know that the Bible doesn't call us sinners and I was like what, and that was about it? And I thought, what am I going to think about that? And she encouraged me to listen to some messages that her pastor had been preaching at her church, and I didn't get to listen to them, but a few weeks later we were at her house visiting and then, after we left her home about we had a seven hour drive and about an hour or two into the drive, she sent me a link to the Death to Life podcast for Jonathan Leonardo's episode, and so my husband and I were in the car for another six hours or so so we said, well, let us listen. So we played it and it was something. I was really impressed with, his testimony and so that's just. We just heard it. And then it went to another episode automatically and we were like, what is this? After that, I was just super curious and we went home and then I just wanted to know more about it. So I just looked it up I love reality up and on YouTube and listen to a bunch of sermon. So that was my introduction to it.
Speaker 3:How has good gospel been a blessing in your life.
Speaker 4:It's really to me. It feels like what it is like freedom. It feels like you're just not stressed about religious stuff and just love. It's really what the bottom line is just realizing how much you love by God and because of that, and how much you're forgiven and because of that you're able to look at people differently, look at situations differently. And the other thing that really has touched my life is thinking and knowing and living like God says. You are so living what the Bible says, what the Word of God says over my life, and believing that's how I live.
Speaker 3:That's so beautiful. It's a blessing to us in so many ways, and one of those ways is that you have decided to partner with us and donate to the ministry every month. What influenced you to make that next step in donating?
Speaker 4:One of the things was the love reality came to our town I don't know about a year and a half ago maybe I can't remember now, but I had the privilege of hosting them at my home and what I observed was just not what they were saying. It was just not it. It was just the way they were living and the way that they were. Everyone that was there at my home was relating to each other and the community they have, and I actually crave that and it was such a blessing to me and I just felt like what we have, what we're given, what we make, it's to give and to serve others, and I've been blessed so much by the Bible studies and all the different things I have listened and watched and the podcast sermons and the community that I wanted to share and I wanted to continue. So financially I can't do that, then I'm going to do it. So that was pretty much it for me.
Speaker 3:Praise the Lord. You know what, with people like Bernice donating, we're able to keep on doing the podcast and we really believe that the stories will never run out if we keep reaching this gospel. Bernice, I just want to thank you. You've been a blessing to us and I'm sure you will continue, not just financially but with who you are, to bless us in the community. Thank you so much, and if you would like to donate and be a part of this message being moved forward, you can go to loverealityorg slash. Give All right. Let's jump back into the episode.
Speaker 2:I think that was probably the first time I had ever really saw Angie as the good gift in front of me that I get to embrace, that I get to unwrap, that I get to hold, that I get to treasure, and it was beautiful to me. So, yeah, clarity man. God gave me absolute clarity and so here I go writing this letter, and what was crazy is that I remember the whole week prior to writing the letter. I'm thinking about how Philippians 4, 6 and 7, I'm like Angie needs to hear this, angie needs to hear this.
Speaker 1:And that's what the letter started out with.
Speaker 2:It starts with do not be anxious about anything. Philippians 4.
Speaker 3:What did you read that you thought he was saying? He didn't have clarity.
Speaker 1:Okay, so here's the funny thing. So then, since I was now calm and I decided to read it and just take it.
Speaker 3:Was this Saturday night, or did you wait till the morning?
Speaker 1:No, this was Saturday night. I waited maybe like an hour or two and I was just like I can't sleep. I want to know, I have to know. So, yeah, since I was like I felt like I was just in a good place now to actually read it and not try to skip ahead and get to the point of the letter, and then I'm reading it and then I see that it says don't be afraid, all good things come from the Lord. God has given me clarity and the moment I read that I laughed at myself because I was like am I dyslexic? Or what happened? You were afraid. Yeah, so, because I was coming in with it like already assuming and feeling some type of way I already assumed what it was going to say, instead of actually seeing what it says. So, yeah, I just I kept reading and he started talking about everything that he just shared, how he believed that I was. Something he said was like these are the lies that like the Spirit reveals to me lies, not the truth and he said that he believed that he didn't deserve me. And then he started talking about his dad and that whole thing that like Spirit had revealed to him about how he could believe he believed that he wasn't worthy of that love, that he didn't deserve it, and that maybe the other lie of maybe there was something else, maybe there was more.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Oh, I was looking at it, yeah, and that there was just those things. And for me, as I was reading it, it was just really an answered prayer Because, as I was saying before, I had really just been praying for God to give Christian clarity, not for me and him, but just for his sake. For me, I was just happy to see that God had shown in these lies that I knew he was believing, but I knew it wasn't my job to tell him here's your problem. Like I knew that was something that the Lord had to reveal to him. There was a time where I wanted to be like, hey, we can work on, this is what's going on. But then I had remembered what God had told me was that I wasn't going to have to try to convince or to prove anything and that I was just going to get to receive. And I had also prayed that God would make it so clear to him that he would have like a dream or something that would just make it very obvious that this is what it was and that that was just 100% it, because I knew, like, how confused he was. I wanted for him to just be like 100% sure. So, reading this letter, it was just literally God reminding me that I wasn't going to have to convince him and that I was going to get to just receive Reading. This was me receiving the fact that he did all of that and he revealed it to Christian, and that I didn't have to work but that I could just receive the gift.
Speaker 2:Yeah, one of the things I wrote in the letter I was reading it right now that makes sense of everything that was happening prior to us breaking up. I put in here. I said I respect your doubt a lot for telling us we needed to take time to think about our decision to get married. I wonder if he sensed the confusion and insecurity in me in that moment. He's a wise man and he was right because in that moment I had no clue that I needed time to be still and listen. I was trying to fight the fog and somehow forgot that I just needed to be still, because those moments of confusion it was just a lot of me fighting. I was just wanting to fight the feelings because I didn't like it and just trying to get that clarity the best way I knew how. So I was like there's nothing wrong with me pleading to the Lord in the secret place and there's nothing wrong with me hearing something and thinking that that's the thing early in my head, coming up with the oh, I got it now, or whatever. But after the clarity God had given me, what made sense was like I just needed to be still and listen. So I pray. I prays God for that man.
Speaker 1:So I read the letter and I just was like, oh my gosh, like I want to talk to him. I want to tell him like, wow, yes, Because the way that he ended the letter was let me see, he said there's a lot to talk about, but for now I guess it really is up to you after all. So then I was like, oh, shoot the ball's in my court. Yeah, I was just like I just I really want to like talk to him and see what else he has to say. Because I think for me in that moment it was like immediately, like yeah, I want for Christian to be my husband, I want to be his wife, but I was still afraid of what would happen. There was still some fear. But it was also really nice in that I felt peace about saying yes, I trusted that this was clearly from the Lord, a gift from him, and not necessarily something that I tried to do or that Christian tried to do. Because I was like there's literally no way Christian could have made all of that up to just try to get back with me. There's no way. And so I texted him and I was like I read your letter, I think we should talk. And so we met up and it was just so funny because immediately when I saw him I couldn't help but smile and just be like so happy to see him. And it was very different this time, because I could just see he was different. He seemed very sure and actually really happy to see me, which I hadn't experienced for a while with him.
Speaker 2:And yeah, it had been three months.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:As soon as I seen you. So us meeting was like the first time we had seen each other since the breakup, and I think the cool thing about the whole decision was that it was my desire. It wasn't me trying to make the right decision.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:I wasn't forcing something good to happen. I actually wanted it.
Speaker 1:And I think that's what was really nice about it is that God actually revealed to you this is really what you want, and it became very clear to me that, oh, this is really what he wants, which is something that I had wanted for a really long time, because every girl wants to know their man loves them, and you know that they're like, oh, I'm for you and like I want to do anything for you, and that was something that I hadn't really experienced with Christian, and it was just like immediately that was given. So that was really cool and so, yeah, we just we met up and we were just like all right.
Speaker 3:And what was it like six weeks later? Was it set how? Eight weeks, how long was it until?
Speaker 1:you got married. We got back together in November.
Speaker 2:We got engaged in December, in January oh, in January, I thought we got engaged in January.
Speaker 3:I remember the day after because we talked after you looked at the letter and it was like Christian wants to be with you again and I felt the same way his mom felt.
Speaker 4:I'm like.
Speaker 3:Christian, you better not do this. But yeah, the wedding was like one of my favorite things ever I've ever been to seeing. I think it was just awesome to be next to Christian as you walked down the aisle and just seeing you through that whole thing, christian, like it was just. It just was like joy all weekend long. It was just like this is what I want. This is my desire.
Speaker 2:And I mean for those of you listening and you're like dang wedding and we weren't there, like it was just a. It was a small, intimate family thing. Rich was there because he married us. We do want to have a big shebang one day where we have everybody he wants to Diggle party.
Speaker 1:It was awesome.
Speaker 3:The song, the two songs in the ceremony. They wrecked you. Yeah, I was just like okay, okay, but, man, as we wrap this thing up, all the things that you've taken and learned because this there was a lot, this was a lot, right, yeah, from all this, what you've learned, what you've grown in and you're seeing somebody who's perhaps struggling with lies perhaps is putting all of their value and worth into what somebody else seasoned them. What would be your guys' biggest takeaway that you could offer to somebody in a situation like what you guys were going through?
Speaker 1:I think I honestly would say seek the Lord, Just because I remember people would tell me that and I would think how's that going to solve my problems? Sure, I'm going to grow and I'm going to learn things that I didn't know. But that doesn't answer my question right now, but it does. I don't know how to explain that well, but I just I think that in doing that, he really shows you your desires and that just how much he actually loves you and the good that he wants for you, and that's the only way that you're actually going to know the truth about yourself and really identify what lies are coming up, when they come up, if they come up. So, yeah, I feel like that's what I would say Just seek the Lord and be content and fulfilled by him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think the one verse that was highlighted for me during this whole time was seek ye first the kingdom of heaven. And all these things will be added on to you, which is what Andrew's talking about, where during that time where I was still, I was seeking the Father. I wasn't seeking clarity anymore. He gave me clarity during that time and I was asking him for clarity, but he was the thing I was after. It was more of him. It wasn't give me the answer so that I could be OK. It was like you're my everything.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's like Jesus doesn't give you the answer. Jesus is the answer. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And I think that's where that Jesus is. The answer made a lot more sense to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's what I would say, man. Life is much more simpler than what we make it out to be, and I think the Lord, that we are where we are now and we're happily married. And they lived happily ever after, and the Lord is our strength.
Speaker 3:Man, man you guys really are. You guys, they were the listener, they were just over at the crib in Tennessee just a few days ago and it is natural you guys love each other. You are for each other. I'll just give you a perfect example Angie cut Christian's hair in our upstairs bathroom and she came down the stairs and she was just crying and she was I ruined it. I ruined it. And Christian comes down the stairs and you knew that Christian loved his long hair, but he loves his wife more than he loves his long hair and he was it's OK, babe, you did a good job and she's I'm a massacre, you know. And Christian's. No, babe, it's good and you can't fake that. Yeah, it's real, it's because you really love your wife.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 3:That's. It's just beautiful. You guys are a testimony to other people and I think the story will be, and I think just your lives lived and how you love each other will be a testimony that God is good, that he gives good gifts and that he actually is the answer.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 3:Thanks for coming online, you guys.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having us Rich.
Speaker 3:Man, I love them, I love this story, I love their hearts and if you're in a place where you're like similar to Angie, where you're like God I've done all these things and you haven't shown up for me he has shown up for you and the person of Jesus Christ, who has freed you from sin and given you every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. If you feel like he owes you something, he has already given you everything. And if that's how you feel, this prayer is for you. Father, sometimes I position myself in lack because I am not in a relationship or have experienced heartbreak, but I believe that through your stripes, I am healed and I receive that. I know that I am complete and whole in you and while a relationship is good and marriage is good, it doesn't complete me. You have done that in your son, jesus Christ, so I thank you for that truth. That speaks a better word over me than whatever I'm feeling or whatever loneliness or whatever. I thank you that you have done what you set out to do and you've changed me. Please give me the new lens to see this through. In your name, I pray amen.