Summary: Explore Kelli's journey from self-doubt to spiritual transformation rooted in her Adventist upbringing. Discover how she battled inner demons, found liberation through Jesus Christ's sacrifice, and embraced her true identity. Our discussion covers themes like perfectionism, anxiety, societal expectations, and the impact of strict religious upbringing. Reflect on lessons of forgiveness, self-reflection, and education's role in understanding God. Join us for an inspiring conversation on transformation, freedom, and the profound power of God's love.
View more resources on our website!
Timestamps:
0:00 - Stories of Transformation and Freedom
5:14 - Faith Upbringing and Perception of Good
13:52 - Pressure to Be Perfect
22:11 - The Concept of Being Unequally Yoked
26:46 - Navigating Challenges in Education and Faith
39:29 - Forgiveness, Self-Reflection, and Letting Go
46:06 - Discovering Freedom and God's Love
59:25 - Education's Power
1:03:57 - Bible Study for Educators
Keywords: Self-doubt, Spiritual transformation, Adventist upbringing, Perfectionism, Anxiety, Unequally yoked, Societal expectations, Mental health, Self-worth, Forgiveness, Self-reflection, Education and God,
Summary: Explore Kelli's journey from self-doubt to spiritual transformation rooted in her Adventist upbringing. Discover how she battled inner demons, found liberation through Jesus Christ's sacrifice, and embraced her true identity. Our discussion covers themes like perfectionism, anxiety, societal expectations, and the impact of strict religious upbringing. Reflect on lessons of forgiveness, self-reflection, and education's role in understanding God. Join us for an inspiring conversation on transformation, freedom, and the profound power of God's love.
View more resources on our website!
Timestamps:
0:00 - Stories of Transformation and Freedom
5:14 - Faith Upbringing and Perception of Good
13:52 - Pressure to Be Perfect
22:11 - The Concept of Being Unequally Yoked
26:46 - Navigating Challenges in Education and Faith
39:29 - Forgiveness, Self-Reflection, and Letting Go
46:06 - Discovering Freedom and God's Love
59:25 - Education's Power
1:03:57 - Bible Study for Educators
Keywords: Self-doubt, Spiritual transformation, Adventist upbringing, Perfectionism, Anxiety, Unequally yoked, Societal expectations, Mental health, Self-worth, Forgiveness, Self-reflection, Education and God,
Death to Life is brought to you by Love, Reality, a good gospel ministry. Our mission is to tell everyone willing to listen that in Christ, by faith, they are free from sin. Everything that we make is made possible because of the generosity of people like you. Thank you.
Speaker 3:The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 1:I remember just crying out to God, sitting in my house in the dark and just going God, if I had it left, none of this would have happened. Why did I leave that school? And God was basically like who made you God? Why are you so high and mighty? If you had it left wait, you were the only one holding that whole school together. And God just reality checking me. Be like you're not God. I am, but you won't let me be God because you keep trying to do it all yourself.
Speaker 3:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and this episode is with my sister, kelly. And Kelly has got a beautiful story. I've known her for a long time and she was always seemed like the perfect, perfect girl, like nothing ever went wrong in her life. And to hear her story about going into the workforce, going into education and the trials and you know self doubt and lies from the enemy that came in, it's kind of wild. But to hear the truth and how it set her free is so beautiful. And so if you appreciate a story where somebody is believing a lie about themselves and then the father shows them who they really are through the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, you're going to love this episode. So buckle up, strap in. Next one you'll hear is Kelly love y'all and appreciate y'all. Kelly, where does this story start? Where does the spiritual life of Kelly story start?
Speaker 1:Oh man, the spiritual life. Always I was blessed with a beautiful Christian family and family, worship and church and Sabbath school, all the things. So I feel like there's never a part in my life where I can think and be like there wasn't a spiritual aspect to it. It was just always there.
Speaker 3:You're an Adventist, Adventist family. There's pastors from both like Midwest and the West, like all over the place.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but like the education side, educators, adventist educators, and then my cousin, I used to joke that we were bred to be Adventist educators and if you grabbed all of our family members who work for Adventist schools, we could start our own school and take down the system. Just, there's a lot of us.
Speaker 3:Wow, so beautiful home, beautiful parents who love the Lord. Yeah, describe what kind of environment you're seeing God in.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so grew up in Minnesota and grew up near the campus of Maplewood Academy, and so that's beautiful in the sense of you were, we were part of a church that always had the Academy kids in it, and so I think there's something beautiful about a church that always has an influx of changing young people because they're not allowed to just get stuck in a rut. They're just growing and moving and trying to involve their young people and trying to minister to their young people. There's times where it's not so great, times when it is, but growing up in a church like that, wow, what a blessing compared to a little small church somewhere where it's just the same whole week after week, like I feel very blessed with. There were a lot of kids in the church. I went to the Adventist church school. There was adventures and pathfinders and if you were bored you went to Vespers at the Academy on a Friday night, even if you weren't in the Academy. Yet if they had a special week of prayer speaker, come in, you were blessed and my family would go to that, and so when I just think about growing up, there was just a lot of beautiful. It was a beautiful faith community and a lot of beautiful people who love Jesus and were investing in the next generation. But I think, especially on this side of freedom reflecting back, there's just also that aspect of they were doing the best they could with what they knew and with their faith experience and with their faith upbringing, and along the way, see, it's just get planted that for me, someone, the lie that I always battled with is that you're not good enough. I was never good enough, and so then it was. It just fed into that through, through a faith community. So like there were all these amazing people in that community that were investing in its young people, wanted to raise up the next generation. But they're doing the best they can with what they knew and with their faith traditions. And so I think, along the way you just end up when you're building your own theology as a kid, when you're building your lens of who Jesus is and everything else, you're just, you're ripe for the picking right. You're taking all the seeds that are being planted. And I think especially as an elementary school teacher now. I think about how kids, their minds are so concrete when they're little. They don't really get abstract thought until about fourth grade, and so everything is so black and white. And so for myself as a kid I think I just had these very black and white boxes of good and bad. And so you know you're raised with different things in the house. Don't punch your sister, that's bad. Don't lie to us, don't touch the stove. Do say please and thank you. We have family worship, all the good and the bad, just the way that life happens. But I was putting them into these boxes of good and bad. And I remember distinctly kindergarten Sabbath school, and there was a lesson from our Sabbath school teacher who is so lovely. I love this woman and so that's the thing with these people is it's like there there can't be bitterness or resentment towards these individuals because they are so good and they are so loved, but they're doing the best with what they know. And this lady did a lesson all about how we're supposed to treat the Bible wholly and it's God's special book, and so we don't put anything on top of the Bible. Nothing goes on top of the Bible, because that's disrespecting God's book. And so in my little kindergarten Sabbath school brain I don't know how old are you, five maybe Nothing goes on top of the Bible, went into the good and the bad box. And we got home from church that Sabbath and my mom goes into the kitchen to start pulling out the special K Loaf or whatever and her bulletin is sitting on top of the Bible. And I just remember that and my brain went. My mom just thinned Because what did I learn in Sabbath school and in family worship or through Uncle Dan and Aunt Sue tapes or everything religious is that the bad stuff was called sin and the good stuff is. And so my mom just sinned and because she sinned she can't go to heaven, but she just has to ask Jesus to forgive her and he will because Jesus loves her. And that was my little formula as a kid of thinking about the good and the bad. What was sin and what was not sin was we don't do the bad stuff and if you do the bad stuff then you've got to ask forgiveness. And that's just such a subjective way to grow up as a kid, because my family we grew up vegetarian, other families, definitely not in my household eating meat went into the bad box and then that gave me the right to then look at judgment at a kid who brought meat in their life. You know it just. It just created this little black and white world of here's the good stuff, here's the bad stuff, and I was a kid that wanted to do the good stuff.
Speaker 3:Yeah, if Linda vigil is not going to make it to heaven because of that, we're all toast, we're all done. We're not may in it, we might as well just well, I sent us lives right now. Yeah, we're like Linda's not there. Yeah, this idea. I bet your Sabbath school teacher probably taught my daughter in Sabbath school these small areas. They have these beautiful people who are doing these things and we're just taught that because you're teaching kids right from wrong and it's important to know right from wrong because they don't understand spiritual things. They don't understand, like, how the gospel actually works. So you're trying to keep them alive and you want to keep them and it's like Israel, god, gave them these rules to keep them alive, to keep that. We just read in worship this morning that you're talking about Uncle Dan and Anzu. I'm reading my kids Uncle Arthur bedtime not bedtime stories, just the regular Bible stories and today's lesson was on how the children of Israel were grumbling about the manna. And so then God sends these quail and I read it this morning. I don't know I now I need to go back and read it in the Bible because they're flying so low to the ground that all these Israelites are like kicking him and knocking them down and then eating them. And then this is what it says in the book that so many of them ate so many of those quail that they died Like they all got. Like a ton of them got sick and died, and so that area is known as the place where a bunch of people died. And I turned to John John and he's just sitting there and I'm like no sitting there, and I'm like, yeah, that's. And then the chapter is over, like so what does that mean, kids? It was wild, and I was just thinking about that. I'm like man, I need to. I don't think I explained it either. We just got in the car and went to school after that. I need to go back and look at that story, but this is how we grow up and it's beautiful in some ways, and then, if we don't have understanding, it can get really weird, right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, and I remember I didn't have anything, I just wanted to tell that story. The worst, uncle Dan and Anso, ever that no one should ever listen to. It should be destroyed. On all cassette tapes everywhere is the one about the measuring rod. And there's this boy who he'd been hearing about Jesus's second coming and he has a dream in the middle of the night and they're taken to the judgment room of God because Jesus has returned and everyone's waiting judgment sheep and goats and each person has to go stand next to the angel that's holding the rod to see if you measure up. And you had to go stand next to this rod to see if you measured up to enter into heaven. What Toxic, how.
Speaker 3:Like there's no mystery why we believe the things we believe.
Speaker 1:It's just fear inducing and it just creates this desire, this perfectionism. And I think I was just by nature. I was a kid who wanted to do good. I wanted to make everybody happy, I followed the rules. I wanted good grades, so I worked hard for good grades. I always had a really strong moral compass and so if you had other friends who wanted to do this or do that, I was like the guilty conscience of no, we shouldn't be doing that, you know, and and so You're a buzzkill. I know I was the goody two shoes because I think part of me just so greatly feared what will happen if we get caught or if we get in trouble or this or that, Like I just so feared the consequences or being a disappointment to people because I had set this stage of this is who I needed to be, this is who I am and I don't ever want to do something that drops me off that pedestal in the eyes of people and that followed me gosh like my entire life of just trying to be good enough and the enemy used that one all all along. Just really trying to make sure that I never felt like I was good enough.
Speaker 3:Yeah, how did that manifest in your teen years and getting into college?
Speaker 1:then so it manifested through. We didn't you didn't hear people talking about anxiety back then, but it was like it was anxiety. I was. I would be very anxious. I remember a couple of things. I enjoyed playing sports, but I did not enjoy playing sports when people were watching, because then I felt we're just playing at recess. If we're playing basketball recess or flag football, that's super fun, but now if we're playing in a real game where there's people watching and I mess up, or if I let people down or I just would put all of this pressure on myself. And so I was honestly dreading because people in the church would be like oh man, I don't know I was like seventh or eighth grade she's going to be such a great basketball player at Maplewood. Oh man, you're so tall and you're fast and all these different things. And I just already started feeling this pressure of needing to be an athlete at Maplewood. And when I screwed up my knee playing floor hockey my seventh grade year, my seventh grade year, and then I re-injured it my eighth grade year and I just tore a bunch of stuff and it was horrible. But I remember being relieved. I was so relieved because it gave me an out. It gave me an out where I didn't have to tell my family or PE teachers or anyone that I didn't want to try out for the basketball team at Maplewood or that I didn't want to have to play intramurals or whatever the case might be. It gave me a safety net out, and I regret that so much now. I regretted so much because but I had put so much pressure on myself of I don't want to let people down, what if I'm playing in a game and I miss a shot or I mess up or I the team loses because of me or all of the what ifs that we just tend to make ourselves spiral with. And so I remember that was just I would internalize all of that. You would manifest in headaches and migraines and all this different stuff. It was just not. It was not great. Now we'd be like, oh man, you were just in your hand like panic attacks over this type of stuff because you were so freaked out about when it really doesn't matter, just go have fun playing sports. But I can never differentiate that at all, and so that's one way where I just saw the need to be perfect. I just couldn't do it in the sports playing sports, because there would be. I knew I would mess up or I would miss the shot, or I would crumble under the pressure and I couldn't let people down. And then the other way that I see that manifesting in in a academy was high school. It's all about the boys and the girls. It's all about finding someone to date or who's going to the banquet with who, and all through high school I was never asked on a single date. I was never asked to a banquet by a boy. There was just none of that. And the devil took that one really hard to say you're not pretty enough or you're not flirtatious, whatever it might be, is you are just not what. Whatever it is that they want. And and so I think, growing up in a time when purity culture was big and all those different things, there was just this again going into my mind of just this A plus B equals C of but I'm doing everything right. What's the missing link here that results in a boyfriend, or a guy at least, finding me attractive? I must not be doing something. And the books out there for young women growing up in the Christian church were not great, because it was all about here's how you don't be a stumbling block. Okay, so I definitely need to prioritize that. And then maybe a guy will give me attention or ask me out, or here's the ways to be a godly woman and here's how to be proverbs 31 and all this junk. And no matter what I did, it never resulted in anything. And again, on this side of it can be like oh, my goodness, kelly, how awesome you can look back at high school and you can go to all the reunions and you can get together with all your friends and you don't have any awkward dates that or ex-boyfriends that you have to encounter or you didn't have. You didn't have. You didn't have to deal with all of the junk that so many high schoolers deal with, where then you were turning to a guy for that identity. You didn't have to. You don't have any of that baggage, which is a blessing, but my baggage instead was I'm just not pretty enough, or I'm not this enough, or I'm not. So I carried that over into college as well. What do you think? the issue was they were just missing out. No, I think part of it was I had. I grew up really fast. I grew up really fast and I I took life pretty seriously and I know because people even told me they're like Kelly, you were so freaking intimidating I was because I had my stuff together. I worked for one of the industries in academy and they did not care that you were a high schooler. No, you're an employee and here's the expectations and we're going to treat you as such, and that was a really stressful work environment too. But it also was one of those things where it was like all right, I'm growing up and here's who I, and so I just I matured and I grew up and the rest of the world, the rest of my class, wasn't as much, and so it was one of those things where I think I was really good friends with a lot of guys like shoot Tyler and I have been friends for forever, yeah.
Speaker 3:And that's a perfect example, by the way. And. I brought that up because if you're mature and you are not in the foolishness, tyler is at your same age, same class. He's already two years behind you. Maturity, wise, brain, wise, right Guys are not. And then you're not like, you're maybe your average college girl who is just like the purpose in life is to get a date to the banquet. That is intimidating. And my sister, my twin sister, she went all the way through academy, all the way through college, and she knew exactly what she wanted to do from like the third grade, and so it was intimidating. It was, and she's talented, she's fun, she's athletic, she was on the basketball team and she was. But yet guys were like and of course that's a perfect. Us guys, like Tyler and I, were afraid of girls like you, because if you have your stuff together, date someone like you as we're getting married.
Speaker 1:And that was where in college, people would say, yeah, your wife material, but you're not girlfriend material.
Speaker 3:When is girlfriend material?
Speaker 1:I don't think girlfriend material is where you know you don't want to be there, but when I'm not being asked on a single date, I was like but don't you have to be a girlfriend before you can be a wife? But but I think part of it too, which is dangerous and which I ended up absorbing through some of this perfectionism type stuff, was that within purity culture back then you had the eye, kiss, dating goodbye. You had all this courtship stuff going on. You had all these books or radio shows talking about how you weren't just dating to date, you were dating to find the person that you're supposed that you're going to marry. And say goodness, I didn't date anyone in high school because that would have been my perspective of you're the person I'm going to marry. That's not right. But then are you fast forward to, like my husband now, who, like, went on so many dates and had this totally different perspective because he goes no, I'm dating someone to get to know them, to see if I want to continue dating them or not, but getting into college especially because union makes better lovers and you're supposed to find your admin, a spouse, because an admin, a spouse is so important so that you're not unequally yoked, and all the things you just run into. I had that mindset then of whoever you are going to date, this is a serious thing because this is going to lead to marriage. And so then when you do date someone and it's not great, and if you realize this, we shouldn't be dating each other and then it doesn't lead to marriage, then it's even more devastating because it's like God, I thought I was discerning your will and it's just, oh, what a messy place to be.
Speaker 3:Can we talk about and I don't. This is just an aside. Being unequally yoked is not about marriage everybody, I hate to burst your bubble. It is about being with believers if you're a believer and being with unbelievers not even in a dating context and this is found in Corinthians and also if you are married to an unbeliever, paul says that you make it holy if you're a believer. Is it wisdom to date somebody who probably doesn't believe in God? If your life is dedicated to God, certainly it isn't wisdom, but the whole idea of being unequally yoked. That is not about dating or marriage. Fact. Check me, go check that out, go read the Bible about that. But this is like that purity culture time. This is that, that whole thing. And little did the people who loved you and whatever that they didn't that were teaching that this. They were putting some a heavy weight on you, right?
Speaker 1:Oh yeah, and so you just carry that weight. And I remember because I graduated from Union, single as can be, and if you missed your window, you missed your window. And then the blessed ladies who are always trying to be like matchmake for you and you visit your home church during a break or whatever and they're like are you seeing anyone Shoot like in my grandpa's era? I would have been a spinster. I was headed to be the spinster school teacher out in the Midwest. You know these types of things. Yeah, so it's just our expectations, learning how to manage expectations and just living in who God says you are versus what everyone else says you should be Absolutely.
Speaker 3:Hey, before we get out of this era, I don't want to miss this story. You have to tell the story of your mother and that phone call because I love Linda Vigil so much. Give us the context of that before we move on a little bit.
Speaker 1:My parents are amazing and what. Okay, let's just talk about how beautiful it is to watch our family members grow in their faith too. Like how beautiful that is. I was raised a vegetarian and then my mom, probably in high school we ended up more vegan and my mom and dad have always been so healthy and they've been into health because they're just fascinated by it. Hey Han, they would be Instagram influencers in today's day and age. They were born to be in the wrong era because, man, in the 90s, when everyone's got like Lunchables or Ramen noodles in their school lunches, I was bringing like grapes in a Pyrex and a homemade burrito wrapped in wax paper. Like what? Everything that is so trendy right now? My parents were like Trader Joe's. Before people in the Midwest knew what Trader Joe's was like, man, they were awesome. They still are, and so when I get to college and I start making my my own life and dietary decisions, there's a one time that I call my mom and we're catching up on things and I don't know how it gets there, but my mom just gets a little teary and she goes. You know, we just we tried so hard to raise you girls right and just to grow up and just to know about both and wellness and everything else. She goes back to you cheese and she does a little little teary over it and it was oh, I just love it so much, so now I make fun of her with it. She goes I wasn't crying that bad and I was like, oh, you were choking up over the fact that I was eating cheese.
Speaker 3:Mercy Did you, but you felt was it separated from spirituality, or was it all just thrown in there too?
Speaker 1:To me. I eventually separated that from spirituality. Now, I remember as a kid we had a lot of family members who were non-adventists and we would go to weddings and funerals and everything is at the Lutheran church and a Lutheran funeral you're guaranteed gallop potatoes with ham in it, white bread, cake and jello, and then we'd always try and guess what color the jello was going to be before the funeral. And I do remember at one of those funerals I ate a piece of ham just to know what it would taste like, and then I braced for the lightning bolt. I got a zap because I just ate pork, but yeah, so I eventually separated that out because I never felt like that was a salvation issue. We had tons of family members who, again, were non-adventists and so I was used to that. More quick story about my dad. I remember I started drinking coffee more hardcore in college. I went home for a break and there was a funeral for somebody and it wasn't at the Adventist church and but there were a lot of. I don't remember how it all worked out, but there were a lot of Adventist, a lot of church members at this funeral. I'd go with them to the funeral and praise the Lord, there was coffee at this funeral and I was just come home from break and I was exhausted. So at the fellow's or at the meal after the funeral, I'm drinking coffee. And we get in the car and my dad goes I cannot believe that you drank coffee, I cannot believe it. And he says what will people think? And then I think the fact that those words came out of his mouth because I pushed back going well, what will people think that made him stop and think of going. I'm prioritizing or making a big deal out of this for the wrong reason, because I'm just concerned about what our other church members might think when they see my daughter drinking coffee and so again, seeing your parents grow to the fact of later he would be giving me coupons for gas and coupons for coffee on the quick trip when I was headed home for whatever, or him calling me when I'm coming home on break and being like all right, you know, what type of coffee do I need to have for you to make at home? So it's just like the beautiful ways we see our parents grow, but just those moments where it's like again, it's just growing pains for them too, when you're raised and come from a church that has a certain set of practices.
Speaker 3:Yeah, we all come by this stuff honestly. Legalistic people come by it honestly and not calling your parents legalistic. The time of the 80s into the 90s, I think the church was still dealing with legalism for sure, probably still are now, just looks at it different, in a different way. So you get out of college In your mind, are you destined to be forever lonely?
Speaker 1:No, but I will touch on college really quick, in that I got involved again with leadership type roles in college. I worked in campus ministries and plan. I was the project impact coordinator at one point. I planned the Vespers, all sorts of different things and I was so blessed by the mentorship of Pastor Rich and just his model of leadership and just all those roles. But again, I think I was able to really just cover up my poor self-esteem through college by being in leadership roles, because I think people look at they look at leaders and think oh, they're just, they're so confident, they've got it all together, they're just doing great, when really oftentimes it ends up being a facade to just cover up some of the other stuff that you're struggling with. And so I took a teaching job in the Midwest and that self-esteem stuff it just it follows you Because I'm still trying to always be good, I'm trying to be best, like I had really good grades through union because that was a priority to me. And I took a job at a small two teacher school and I had some rose-colored glasses Every new teacher does. But I think, coming from a family of Adventist educators, there was also an extra layer of oh, but I have experienced that in this education. I've been around discussions and all the things for forever, and my first year of teaching it was OK, but it was definitely one of those things where it's like, oh my goodness, how on earth do I manage students and get them to obey? Because I always struggled with this idea of I knew right from wrong, I knew good and bad and I knew that I wanted to follow the good stuff. And how do you teach that to a seventh grade boy who could not care the least about that? And so I always just struggled with. My thought process was always like well, you keep them busy in school, you develop respect and they should respect you and follow your instructions. Yeah, and so first year was rough and had some growing pains, but then, going into the second year, we had some changes at the school that took place and I ended up being what is called a head teacher, which is basically you're the principal and you handle all the administrative stuff, and then you also teach four grades, and so a ton of stuff landed on my plate. But because this was a period of transition, it was also a really awesome period of just dreaming and building and be like what do we want this school to be like and what could we do with this school? And it was a really big outreach to the community. The majority of our students were from Adventist families and so it was a great ministry tool. And it was also so good for me because it's getting you outside of that Adventist bubble, because you're ministering not only to kids but all of these families who aren't Adventists, and I'm not going to tell you not to eat your ham sandwich when that's what you bring for lunch. You know just all these things. It was a beautiful growing time but, yeah, through that all, I'm still single. And I remember the hardest birthday was when I turned 26, because my mom had always been like Kelly, it's OK, because I didn't get married until after college. I went to teach out at Monterey Bay and I met your dad later and it's OK, trust in God's timing. And then I turned 26 and realized that was the same age my mom was when she got married and in my, in your kid brain growing up, your parents always got married. Oh, I waited until I was older to get married. They got married. My mom was 26. And I just remember being like, oh man, I'm not even talking to a single guy, so yeah, still single. And then just teaching at this school. And God was doing amazing things at this school. He was growing it, he was using it in big ways. We were starting new initiatives. We had a waiting list of students wanting to come to this school, like the name and the reputation of the school just growing in the community. But I was so frustrated with the church Because I had grown up in a church that had always been about Adventist education, because they were the home church to Maplewood, and now I was part of a church where the school was just this little side gig. And I remember church members specifically telling me I don't know why we spend money on this school. None of those kids, none of those non-adventist families, have ever been baptized and joined the church. But anyway, just all of these attitudes. They didn't see the mission and the ministry that this school had. They didn't see the difference being made in the lives of these kids. All they saw was, oh, they're asking for more money, or is this school, is the academics, really better than another Christian school in town? And it's so heart-wrenching and I wish that our Adventist schools didn't struggle with this. But because everything is so financially motivated, it is so heart-wrenching when you lose students, when families pull their kids and put them in another school or they decide to homeschool or whatever it might be, and you want to respect the family and their decision. But then you also just take it on yourself and you go what did I do? We needed those numbers to financially balance the budget and, wow, they just pulled kids from the school. So now the church is going to think that the school is struggling, so now they're not going to financially support the school and it's just all that stuff. And I just carried that. I carried and carried that end and it was just. It was so draining and it was so discouraging trying to convince or show to this church body that the school was worth it, that the school was being the hands and feet of Jesus, that these kids' lives and their family's lives were being touched. And so I ended up on a whim, sending my resume to another school opening and they called me out for a job interview and I accepted the job. So I took a call to Orcus Christian School, which is the Adventist School on Orcus Island in the San Juan Islands in Washington, and it's a beautiful spot, only accessible by ferry. But I took that job because when I interviewed with them, I saw the exact opposite of what I had been facing. I saw a church that was like we are here to do everything for this school. We are all about this school. We believe that ministering to our young people is the most important thing we can do and we want to do that through you. And then, at Orcus, I didn't have to be the principal, I could just show up, teach my two grades and leave. And it was just one of those things where I was like God, I need less on my plate, otherwise I'm burning out here. And I refused to be one of those teachers who burned out after five years statistics type of thing. And it was a huge blessing going to Orcus, but at the same time it was so hard because there was a part of me that felt like I was giving up, that I was giving up on this other school, that I was throwing in the towel, and that was a hard transition point. But it was also what God needed to do to impact or to use me.
Speaker 3:Yeah, so when you get out there, who was God at this point?
Speaker 1:Oh, he was still. He was always my friend. It's interesting because I kept prayer journals for years, all the way back to high school, and so I can trace back through my prayers, who I viewed God as and everything else. There was an aspect of God who, even though I did not believe that you needed to do any works to be saved, there was still the thought of like oh, and I messed up, and God, will you ever forgive me? Just that grovel, get forgiveness, repeat type cycle. And there was still just this feeling of God, I'm faithful, I'm doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing, yet I'm not seeing the reward and I didn't view God as Santa Claus. But there was still enough of that aspect of I don't know you don't wanna call prosperity gospel but just that thought of I'm doing everything I'm supposed to be doing for the Lord. Here I'm even working for the Adventist church. I'm doing all the things, but I'm still struggling. I'm still lonely as all get out. I'm still having to face all of these things by myself. I'm working on a teacher salary. I'm ready to get married to anyone just to help pay rent. You're just facing all of those little struggles and just wondering God, do you care? And I can see that through my prayers at the time of God. Do you care? Do you see me out here? I know you're faithful, but what about me? Are you gonna be faithful to me? And so I also know that I came through or had this perspective of I need to be reading my Bible, I need to be praying, otherwise I'm not a good Christian, and so I definitely. If I went stretches without writing in my prayer journal, my prayer was like dear God, I'm so sorry that it's been so long since I've talked to you. Or there's always those times where I would be like, oh, my life has been rotten because I haven't read my Bible for two weeks. So I always was just equating that in some way or the other.
Speaker 3:So God was pleased with you, based on your commitment to quiet time with him.
Speaker 1:Yeah, commitment to devotional time, commitment to attending church, commitment to how I viewed him. What I put in is what I would get out.
Speaker 3:Interesting. So how was the time in Orcas? What happened?
Speaker 1:So I moved there in 2018. And that spring actually before I moved there my mom had given me Stuart Tiner's book Searching for the God of Grace, and I love that book. I have it here in my library. Yeah, and so that book really got my wheels turning, about Righteousness by Faith versus Graceworks and the role of grace and how these are just things that you didn't hear a lot from your week of prayer speakers or the pastors. So my wheels just really started turning and I was doing just some deconstruction and at the same time I was reading and learning more about the role of the Holy Spirit, because the Holy Spirit to me it always felt like the stepchild of the Trinity and I don't know if it's because the King James Version called it the Holy Ghost and we're not supposed to believe in ghosts, so we're just going to leave that all out or what it might be. And so I was learning more about the role of the Holy Spirit. And so I remember it was funny because the your episode with Tyler you asked him about the Frederick Buechner quote about was like theology is like your autobiography or something, and for Tyler he's.
Speaker 3:I don't know what you're talking about.
Speaker 1:What you're talking about. Like let me get off of my story. And it just made me laugh because when I read that quote in Tyler's book, that one, I sat on that quote for weeks and just sat and stood on that quote and I remember just sitting on my couch and just imagine putting the puzzle pieces together. As it's, I put together my family tree in a way I put together. It was like I started connecting all of those pieces going. If your theology is like your autobiography, then when this happened, that was because of my mom growing up in a home like this, attending a church like this and an era of history like this. My dad, when this happened with was because he grew up in a house like this went to an admin's boarding school during this era of Adventism, during this political landscape of the US. I started thinking about my grandparents and the pastors and I just started thinking, oh, my goodness, I can forgive people that I've been holding stuff against, that I've had some bitter resentment against because they didn't know better. They weren't doing this intentionally, this I was able to let go of so much because all of a sudden I was like they were doing the best they could with what they knew and they, out of the overflow of the heart about, speaks right, luke 645. You know. So, if someone, when I was at that church that didn't, that wasn't supporting the admin school, and I was going up against these church members, that just I would sit in church business meetings and just hear arguments and fighting over whether my job was worth it and whether they wanted to pay for me as a teacher, and I would get in my car afterwards and I would just just ball my eyes out going. I thought I was called to be a teacher, I thought it was called to be a Christian teacher, and these people. And all of a sudden I was able to forgive them because I went. Oh my goodness, when there is hate and there's anger and there's control coming out of these church members, and they don't know that they are in the house, that's who they view goddess. They see God as someone who is angry and is controlling. They don't know that they are loved. And so I was able to release so much of just this built up bitterness, this built up resentment. I was able to really just forgive them, literally, for they don't know what they do, they didn't know what they were doing and I was finally able to extend that forgiveness and then just take that burden off of myself, because it, like forgiveness, doesn't make it right, it doesn't give them an excuse for that, but it doesn't let it, lord, over me anymore. It sets me free. And so all of this was happening in that time leading up to me moving to orcas, and now I'm living on an island that I can't escape without a boat. I'm in a little house in the woods, as Pacific Northwest as it can come. It was so quiet because my house was on seven acres in the woods, a little cabin in the woods, and I had to hang up wind chimes just to give me some noise because it was so quiet and it's like I was headed almost to the solitary confinement and God goes. Finally I've got her where she's camped fill and fill and fill and fill and keep so busy that I can't reach her. I've always been really good at just filling my time and distracting myself so that I don't have to sit in the quiet and sink and deal with the hard stuff. And being there, it was like you are obligated to because you're going home to a house in the woods and a dog and darkness and I really was just doing just more study, more reading, more prayer. And then, as the school year progressed, the families from my former school started contacting me and they said, hey, things here aren't going well. And then I would get messages from my former students from this other school goings, we don't like school anymore. And then I would hear from a school board chair of the former school. We've got a situation here and we're wondering can you provide us some background on this family? Basically, everything that could go wrong was going wrong and all of these families that I'd spent all that time at this school working with, administering to, they were absolutely. They were struggling at the school. They were not experiencing the love of Jesus. They were experiencing a lot of legalism and expectations of. This is what happens in this classroom, this is what happens in this school, and I remember just feeling so torn to pieces. I remember just taking that on myself of being like what can I do to help? And I would have phone calls from these families. I would have emails from these families. I was trying to mentor the teacher who took my place and talk with her and provide her like hey, here's some methods that I use with these students maybe try that and it was just a mess to the point where then all of those families ended up pulling their kids out of the school. And I remember it was the so fall, 2018, so October, november is when all this was going down and it was finally that ended up being like my breaking point that brought me really into freedom. Because I remember just crying out to God, sitting in my house in the dark in the woods and just going, god, if I hadn't left, none of this would have happened. Why did I leave that school? And God wallowed me up the side the head and was basically like who made you God? Why are you so high and mighty? If you hadn't left what? You were? The only one holding that whole school together. You were the lynchpin in the whole planet, humanity. For those kids, it's all about you and God just it's reality checking me like you're not God. You're not God. I am, but you won't let me be God because you keep trying to do it all yourself. And that was really my breaking. That was my moment of really discovering freedom, and I remember the like the hill song song who I am, who you say I am and that song coming on and just me sitting there and the spirit just saying you've got to believe this. You've got to believe that it's not about all these things that you've tried to attain for yourself. It's not about the fact that you grew this school or you did this or you did that. It's not about any of that. It's about me, and you've got to stop trying to overcompensate or cover for your works or use your works to try and win favor and win love, because you've already had my love and you've already had all favor from me, and so will you instead believe that you are chosen by me and you are loved by me and you are forgiven by me and you don't have to do anything to receive that. You just have to believe that it's already yours how did you understand all that?
Speaker 3:That's a lot right. It's just because of what you had been like reading with Stuart Tiner. And what was it like leading to this? Because when you're broken from this idea of I'm not God, like I'm not making this happen, but then all of this other stuff is downloaded. How did that happen?
Speaker 1:I don't know, and I definitely didn't have it all in one fell swoop. It wasn't like, but it was easy to revert back to, still thinking that I needed to do or work. But I pulled out my prayer journal actually from then, because I wrote out so this was November of 2018. And I wrote out that entire Hillsong song and I said Jesus, am I who you say I am? You set me free, but do I believe in act as one who is free? So it's like I just grappled and I just wrote and grappled and wrote and grappled and like I, you know, I wrote in here about how hard it is Differentiate, because I think the other thing is when you work for the Adventist church, there is the church system and then there's the local church where you worship, and then there's your personal relationship with God and I think it's also sometimes really easy to, when you work for the church becomes your God instead of God being God in your life.
Speaker 3:And the church, not meaning like God's people, but the institution or the building the institution.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the institution. And here I go do Jesus. I love being an Adventist but, goodness gracious, religion has all too often hitting you. I talk about. I know that I have memories and wounds and moments from my life that have hurt me and opened up doors for the enemies lives but for the enemies lives. But you were there with me, even when I couldn't see and I just asked for healing, enclosure and removal of lives that have been implanted for so long. Help me to look back and just see you.
Speaker 3:And it was just what was freedom like in your mind? You're like I was free. What was that?
Speaker 1:It was I am enough because all my life it had been not good enough and because if I were enough, then this would have happened in my life, or this would have happened or this. There would have been fruits so called fruits to display that I was enough. But that would have been all based off of my merit, versus instead being like no, I am enough because God says I'm enough and because I have the spirit. I have the fruits of the spirit in dwelling in me right here and right now.
Speaker 3:That's beautiful. Okay, we're going to take a real quick break. I know there's a lot of death going on. Actually, I don't even know what podcast this midroll is going to be on. I just know that everyone there's like a lot of death in the beginning. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of death in this one as well, and I'm going to bring my sister, annabelle. Annabelle, what's up? What is up? Why do you? Why do you love the death of life podcast? Because I love you.
Speaker 2:No, it's because I love you. I mean, I love you, Don't get me wrong, but it's because I love the gospel and I love hearing the testimonies that people share, because it reveals things in my life and it's just, it's so good and it refreshes my soul and it teaches me new things and it's just so beautiful.
Speaker 3:It is beautiful. You've decided to just pony up some of that hard earned cash to help this thing move forward. You've given your time, your energy. Why do you decide to do this?
Speaker 2:Annabelle, because it matters. It matters and it needs to be heard, and if just giving a little bit of money means one person hears it, it is just. It's so worth it. So I highly encourage that people give Wow.
Speaker 3:If you are listening to these podcasts and if they've been a blessing to you, this is what you can do. You can go to loverealityorg slash give and you can help keep this thing going. We really believe, if we keep telling these stories, we're always going to have stories to tell. So, loverealityorg slash give, let's do this. Let's keep this going. Thanks so much, annabelle. I appreciate you. So, after this happens, did you run into your buddy Tyler after this, hearing what he was saying or what's the timeline?
Speaker 1:Yes, and I think it was after, because I don't know when Jonathan's first series, wave 1, at that church in Oregon. I don't know when that series got published because I had heard about Love Reality for a while and Jonathan's ministry, because Mighty had been out in Hawaii and had done his internship year out there and had worked with Jonathan and he would have videos that he would put up from time to time and I remember watching those and seeing stuff like that. But then I don't know if Mikey posted when that first Wave 1 series happened. I don't know how I came across it it's just a God thing probably but I watched Jonathan's Wave 1 series and I remember it just solidifying everything that God had already been teaching me and especially when it came to the parable of the prodigal son and being like, oh my goodness, I'm the older brother. That was a huge moment for me of being like I was the older brother. I did all the right things, I stayed in the church, I was faithful to God, I trudged through it, I did the work and then I missed out on the pardon because I did not realize that, like the like, god tells the older son he goes. All this time I've been with you and that's the piece I was missing. Is God? Be like Kelly, all this time I've been with you, you've had me, you've had every good gift from the father and you were so busy trudging away, working hard or harboring bitterness or resentment towards others that you don't realize or appreciate the gift and the giver. And the fact that story leads off or ends not knowing how the older son responds also was huge for me of being like. But I, as the older daughter, I know how I'm responding to this. I'm not going to not participate in the party. I want to be where the father is. I want to participate in celebration over the fattened calf. I want to be there because I know that there is a place at the table for me, not because I worked hard enough for it, but because I'm a beloved child of God.
Speaker 3:Wow, that's powerful, and so you're seeing that. And then what happens in your timeline after that?
Speaker 1:After that, time just marched on and it would have been spring, I mean spring of 2019,. I think, yeah, that Tyler calls me. He must have been calling everybody in his phone because I was on a field trip with my students, riding the ferry back. I go what on earth is Tyler Morsing calling me for? I answer the phone and he goes Kelly, I just got to tell you some things and he goes. And there's this mission called love. I was like, yeah, I know, I've watched the servants, isn't it great? And he goes, yeah, and so then he got to share what God had been doing in his life. And then later on that I was able to just really quick drive down to Portland when they were doing Wave 2, because I was teaching all week. I didn't make it down there until I just got to see Sabbath, but I got to see Tyler and just and Morgan and just connect to just see them, which was really good too. But yeah, so just got plugged into that community and just been a blessing and so affirming ever since.
Speaker 3:What I think is cool is, and while your husband is a great dude, love that guy All of this happens before you and him become a thing. Let me ask you about that how did freedom affect how you're looking at God's will or God's plan in regards to who you were going to be with?
Speaker 1:It was funny because when it was a couple months, it was probably a month or a couple weeks, it was not a short time period after I got free that a friend set me up with Stephen and I remember almost being mad at God being like God. I was finally okay, I have my identity from you. Everything is so great and you are not a Santa Claus. You weren't waiting for me to all of a sudden get free and now you're going to give me the guy. That goes against everything I just learned about you. So I was a little bit oh, I can't believe this. I was finally good with everything and now you bring a man into my life. But I think that's just God's sense of humor too. But yeah, I think like our relationship all the way until we got married was long distance because we were on totally opposite ends of the States and when he came to visit me the first time, you know my dad. So like my dad has researched the heck out of this guy. He's like practically got letters of references and it was just killing my dad to know how my visit with this guy was going and Stephen and I had a great time hanging out. But it's not, it wasn't any Hallmark movie, it wasn't anything special. But I will tell you one funny story was all I had a whole bunch of friends who had, who knew that Stephen was coming to visit me, and they were sending me memes and different things. Trying to joke in chat, duncan, he sent me a meme about Christian pickup lines or something. He goes if you run out of stuff to talk about, and one of them was with Ruth and Boaz, and Boaz goes. Before I met you, I was Ruthless and so it was. And then there was some message about hoping that he's your boss, boaz, or something like that. And so Stephen comes out to visit me and there's one night where we were playing banana grams because it was like what do I do? I don't know what to do with this guy. We're going to occupy all the time, we're going to hike all the hikes, we're going to do all the things. So we're playing banana grams and we get to the end of the round of the game and he goes. I know you're not supposed to use names or proper nouns. He goes, but I didn't know how to use the Z and he'd written the word Boaz. I just lost it because it was almost like that was just a chuckle from God of being like, hey, would you please just chill out, kelly, would you just relax a little bit and trust that I've got this? And so Stephen left and my dad instantly was like, okay, how was it? Tell me everything. I want to know all of the things. And I remember telling my dad being like we had a really good time. If I never see Stephen again, I don't think that I would be like crying my eyes out and drowning my sorrows in ice cream. It was good. And I think that to me just shows the transformation too, because pre-Freedom Kelly would have been hinge in so much on this guy coming to see me If he's got to be the one and you've got to do everything you can to make this work, and versus being like, yes, it works, and if not, I'm going to be okay because God's got this. And so just the beauty of being able to our entire relationship has been one that's been in freedom and that is such a huge blessing and such a gift from God to just go into a marriage that I love you. Because I love you, not because I need you, not because you have to satisfy and fill all the things because I'm already full, and so I think that's just really strengthened our relationship and just really our friendship that it's based on.
Speaker 3:That's beautiful. I guess I'll wrap up with this. You're still working in education. You're an educator. How has freedom allowed you to steward your life in this difficult thing that you do?
Speaker 1:I think one of the big things I remember talking to Tyler about it after he got free too is like Tyler, we've got it because he was working in education at that, or no, he was I'm, was he working at Union?
Speaker 3:I don't remember. I think he might have been.
Speaker 1:Yeah, because I just remember being like Tyler. We have to make it so that the next generation of young people never has a get free moment. How do we make it so that they are just raised in freedom from the get go? How can we sculpt our schools, our classrooms, our curriculum, our instruction of our kids so that they just know how loved they are, how valued they are by God and who? God says this they are from day one? I don't want the next generation to have to go through what we went through, where they have to then someday get free. No, let's have love, reality be the reality for our kids. That's one of the big things that I see working in education now. I work in admin now. If you want a job, hit me up. But the also just saying how can we support our teachers and our schools and build education around how good God is and knowing that in the hard times God's got it, in the financial difficulties, in the parent dramas and all of it, how can we steward grace through all of this? And how can we just walk out in space at knowing that God is so good and he is using? He's using our teachers, he's using our schools, he's using our kids to teach us things in just beautiful ways, and so I just see that play now as well.
Speaker 3:That's beautiful. Let's take it back where we're going to go to maybe a winter banquet, your junior year, and you're like I'm not girlfriend material, I'm wife material or some lies landing, or even in college. If you could just go to that sweet girl and put your arm around her, what would you, what would you encourage her with?
Speaker 1:You are enough. You are a beloved daughter of God and whom he is well pleased. You just have to believe it. Just believe it and receive it, because that's who you are.
Speaker 3:I love it. Thank you so much, kelly. You guys are special to me. You guys invited me out there earlier this year to the Black Hills, and I got to spend a lot of time with you and your husband and your community and I just say y'all are my people and so it's a special holds, a special place. The Black Hills hold a special place for me, and so I just want to thank you guys for your ministry to me and for the blessing you've been in my life, and thank you for sharing your story today.
Speaker 1:Yeah, thank you, and we're so glad that you're able to come out here. We're so blessed with an awesome community in the Black Hills and just being able to just hear from you and talk about gospel, so sure You're welcome back anytime.
Speaker 3:Wow, that episode was so powerful. I love how she is moving with confidence in her, in her life. I love how she was able to see the truth of who she was, even as she was single and the enemy was trying to lie to her and position her as less than just because she wasn't dating anybody. And then just the hard life of being an educator and being in education Powerful. If you are struggling in that same thing, if you are out here and you're working so hard and you're not seeing fruit from all the labor, I just want to encourage you. Every single kid is important, every single child is important, and the life that you're pouring into these kids is going to make a difference for eternity. So if that's what you're going through, if that's what you're feeling, this prayer is for you. Father, we just thank you that we get to pour into your kids, that we get to love on them and, even though a lie may come here or there and try to land, we know the truth, as you have pointed it out, by sending your son. Your son is what you believe about us and we believe it and we receive it in Jesus' name, amen. I want to point you guys to a Bible study that we have. If you're in education, this is specifically for people who are in education. We have a Bible study every Sunday night at seven o'clock mountain time. That's seven o'clock mountain time. Every single Sunday night, we have a Bible study, and if you text hashtag teacher to 808-204-4372, you will get notifications for that. That's 808-204-4372. Text hashtag teacher to that number and then seven o'clock mountain time. On Sundays. Man, you can just vibe with people in education and be blessed and encouraged and edified by the truth of who you are in Christ and how you can pour into other people. We look forward to seeing you there. Thank you so much, god bless.