Summary: What happens when a young musician, who was steeped in a religious upbringing, struggles with lies, addiction, and self-identity? Our recent conversation with Christian Aparicio, a gifted musician and worship leader, reveals the answer. We journey with Christian as he shares his spiritual and personal growth from early church experiences, through the pitfalls of teenage rebellion, addiction, heartbreaks, and the painful aftermath of his parents' divorce.
Christian didn't shy away from discussing the darker chapters of his life, including his struggles with pornography and the emotional turmoil it caused. He shares how these challenges led to a crisis of identity, a constant struggle to feel loved and accepted, and eventually a destructive path that seemed inescapable. His honesty about the guilt and shame that consumed him, as well as his ultimate revelation and transformation, is truly remarkable.
The episode concludes with Christian's story of redemption and transformation. His decision to pursue further studies, led to a life-changing encounter in Hawaii. There, he found his true identity in Christ and embarked on a journey to freedom. His powerful song 'Outsiders', mirrors his spiritual journey, reflecting his struggles, revelations and his newfound identity in Christ. Christian's story is an inspiring testament to the power of grace and redemption, a reminder to all of us of the transformative power of going from death to life.
Keywords: Young Musician, Religious Upbringing, Struggles, Addiction, Self-Identity, Teenage Rebellion, Heartbreaks, Parents' Divorce, Struggles with Pornography, Crisis of Identity, Redemption, True Identity in Christ
External Resources: More Good Gospel
Summary: What happens when a young musician, who was steeped in a religious upbringing, struggles with lies, addiction, and self-identity? Our recent conversation with Christian Aparicio, a gifted musician and worship leader, reveals the answer. We journey with Christian as he shares his spiritual and personal growth from early church experiences, through the pitfalls of teenage rebellion, addiction, heartbreaks, and the painful aftermath of his parents' divorce.
Christian didn't shy away from discussing the darker chapters of his life, including his struggles with pornography and the emotional turmoil it caused. He shares how these challenges led to a crisis of identity, a constant struggle to feel loved and accepted, and eventually a destructive path that seemed inescapable. His honesty about the guilt and shame that consumed him, as well as his ultimate revelation and transformation, is truly remarkable.
The episode concludes with Christian's story of redemption and transformation. His decision to pursue further studies, led to a life-changing encounter in Hawaii. There, he found his true identity in Christ and embarked on a journey to freedom. His powerful song 'Outsiders', mirrors his spiritual journey, reflecting his struggles, revelations and his newfound identity in Christ. Christian's story is an inspiring testament to the power of grace and redemption, a reminder to all of us of the transformative power of going from death to life.
Keywords: Young Musician, Religious Upbringing, Struggles, Addiction, Self-Identity, Teenage Rebellion, Heartbreaks, Parents' Divorce, Struggles with Pornography, Crisis of Identity, Redemption, True Identity in Christ
External Resources: More Good Gospel
Are we starting the podcast now or? Oh we've been on the podcast. My brother Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and I am excited about this podcast. But first let me tell you about our sponsors today. Or our sponsor, it is the brand SoR we. That name is taken from first John 417. How do I know that? Because it's me I make the t-shirts. I don't make them, teespring makes them, I just design them. And you can find all the that merch at so underscore, our underscore. We underscore on Instagram and I'm going to give you a promo code that if you use, you can get 15% off of your purchase. And if you put DTL podcast as a promo code, you get 15% off. How sweet of a deal is that? So it's the holidays. You want to get some, some gear, some freedom gear for your people. You can get the shirt that said God forgave you a long time ago. There is a shirt that says feelings aren't Lord Jesus is. There's just a bunch of cool gospel shirts. I've got a bunch, I'm going to get more. So, yeah, 15% off DTL podcast. You'll enjoy that. But but let me talk to you about our guest today. It's none other than Christian Apparicio, and you have heard him If you've ever listened to this podcast, because he is the guy that has the song at the beginning and the end of this podcast and his story is awesome. He's a young dude he's, but he's my young brother and I love him and I'm really man. That this podcast is is dope. He's got a lot of good stuff in it, a lot of good stuff about freedom. So excited that you're here. So buckle up, strap in all aboard, appreciate y'all, love y'all. Yo Richard, are you about to do the podcast?
Speaker 4:We do it major on my soul.
Speaker 1:So, bro, talk to me about when. How old were you when you?
Speaker 5:first, like you started already, we started this thing already.
Speaker 1:It's recording bro.
Speaker 5:I didn't even see that dude.
Speaker 1:Can you tell if it's recording or not? Yeah, man, of course, bro. Yeah, just talk to me about like as a child, did you? Man? When we're kids, we really really don't know very much, but we kind of you grew. Okay, give me your background. Did you grow up in in the church or did you come into the church? I grew up in?
Speaker 5:church. My, yeah, my, my grandfather was at Adventist and my grandma was a Catholic convert and and so all my aunties and uncles grew up Adventist and so my mom was one of you know, one of them obviously that's their daughter and, yeah, my, my dad was Adventist. So Adventist all over the place. So, yeah, I grew up in the church, we grew up in the Hispanic church, you know so.
Speaker 1:I know something about that a little bit.
Speaker 5:Wednesday nights, you know, and Saturday mornings and Saturday nights. So yeah, I was social the whole Venice Did they have that when you were growing up. Oh yeah, it was lit. Yeah, back in the day was lit man. Nowadays, unless you, unless you live in Mexico it's it's not as hyped as what it used to be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I didn't grow up in a Spanish church. My mom did. Her dad is a pastor, her brother is a pastor, her other brother is like a lay pastor, uncles pastors, and so just her life was in the church. Just like on Sabbath that you went to the church and you didn't go home until sunset because there was stuff going on. I did not experience that, but do you felt like this was like a healthy part of your life? You enjoyed that growing up.
Speaker 5:Oh yeah, I enjoyed being at church because of my friend. Yeah. So yeah, you know, when I was younger, the community, at least at the church I grew up, was very vibrant. So there was a lot of kids my age that were there when, since we were like toddlers all the way through graduating pretty much, so yeah, we, we were always hanging out, so so that was cool. But you know, after after mid high school, like after sophomore year, you know, everybody just kind of started leaving.
Speaker 1:When did you start really getting into the music? Because, I'll say it this way, when I was growing up, playing the guitar in the praise band was like a thing, and then I felt like it stopped being a thing. And you're quite a few years younger than I am, but and I think it praised me because it is coming back around, but in a different way- Also, what do you mean by that? Well, okay. So my sister, my twin sister, she started to learn to play the guitar because she wanted to play in the praise band and they were singing Lord, I lift your name on high. They were singing sanctuary, they were singing all these just guitar heavy songs, and so this time everyone was playing the guitar. Like when I got to college, every Friday night was a different group up there with a different dude leading out and guitar, and it was just like a move, like you learned how to play the guitar or you learn how to play, and then I felt like it was dying away and there weren't as many people learning how to do music anymore. There weren't that many song leaders anymore. Maybe I'm tripping, maybe it's still the same way as it's always been, but like when? When did you like decide, oh, I'm going to do this music thing like this is how I'm going to serve the Lord, or was it that at all?
Speaker 5:It was very, it was very organic, because my dad was a singer. So I mean, he still is a singer, but my dad he was in a quartet. It was a pretty famous quartet and like a Spanish world of Adventists, and it was called Ebenezer, so it was. It started in Montemorelos, which is a college in Mexico. And so, yeah, he, he pretty much did that thing and to this day he still travels with quartets and stuff. But yeah, so when I was a kid, my mom used to encourage me to sing at church, just because she figured, you know, I had the talent.
Speaker 1:So your daddy's son.
Speaker 5:Your daddy's son she's like let's give it a shot, let's see what happens. Whether that's because I used to sing as a kid, I don't know, but I remember at a very early age just practicing, you know, with like beat stops at home, you know instrumental at home and yeah, they're singing on stage. And I remember the first time I ever sang in front of a big crowd was at an adventuring camp and this was like a statewide camp, so like for those people who weren't listening, like this camp is like pretty much like all the Adventist boy scouts and girl scouts, pretty much for like little kids get together and the whole state of Texas represented was there and they had me sing on stage. And I remember I got so nervous I started crying and I forgot the words and like one of my homeboys had to go like on stage and like console me what I was up there. It was just wild.
Speaker 1:This must be a Hispanic thing, bro, because my parents, not my parents, my mom, she got us singing. I'm sure we were like four or five when we first sang in front of church and none of us have singing talent for real. My mom still says, richard Ricardo, you can sing. And she tries to tell me I can sing, but I'm not. I'm not a singer, but from the jump just like to weed us out to find out if we could actually sing, they put us up there or something like that.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And you're up there crying huh.
Speaker 5:I'm up there crying. So yeah, I had a very early age. It just was a thing, and you know, it was just something that my mom kept pushing for me to do. And yeah, as far as like the introduction to music and using it for church, it was at a very early age.
Speaker 1:When did you pick up the instruments like the guitar? I don't know if you play the piano, but when did you start picking that up and start working on those things?
Speaker 5:It was when I was 15. So when I turned 15, at the time I was part of a band with my homies from the church I grew up in and they played guitar and they had started learning. So they played it like trigger guitar, like they were like shredders, like metalheads, so like that's the kind of music I was listening to at the time, like I was jamming out to bands like a Ventselmfold and like Ovid and Cambria and so like that. Yeah, that was great. So I remember we were in a band and I just sang. That was my thing. I just sang. I often would play the cajon and sing at the same time, which was already weird enough, but I did anyways. And one day they were like bro, like why don't you start playing guitar and leading? And I'm like you're right, I should. Like why am I not doing that? And so I remember my mom bought me my first guitar and it was a Fender acoustic, like a $300 guitar. It was really nice for my first guitar, actually. But yeah, I remember just one night my friend wrote me chords and he showed me how to play them and he's like you're going to play this while you sing tomorrow, and the next day was going to be Saturday, so I literally learned that song overnight to play the next day.
Speaker 1:Was it a song that he had written, or was this a no?
Speaker 5:it was Hosanna. It was Hosanna by her song, yeah. So he taught me how to play it and I remember playing it the next day and my mom was like, don't ever do that again. I was like, bro, yeah, so it was pretty bad, but yeah, that's like yeah. So at 15 is when I picked up the guitar, and a lot of it too, was like we were writing songs as a band together and like I knew how I wanted it to sound in my head. So I would try to explain it to them like no, I'm playing like this, play like this. But they were like, dude, you don't like, you don't play guitar, so like you don't get to tell us how to play guitar, you know. So I was like you know what? I have to learn how to play so that I can, like, show you what I'm talking about. So that was another reason. But yeah, at 15 is when I picked that up.
Speaker 1:Do you feel like the music really kind of kept you into spiritual things, or do you feel like, like, what was the relationship with the music and spirituality?
Speaker 5:Um, music was just a way of me being me in general, so a lot of me was already leaning towards everything spiritual. But, yeah, music was just a big part of who I was, even as a kid, just because I was very influenced by different moods that the music would put me in. And so I'm an artsy boy. I'm super artsy, at least that's what people say and so a lot of how I grew up was me living out the soundtrack that was in my head, and music was a big part of that. So it could be as simple as me in the car in the backseat, with my headphones on, with my CD player, listening to a John Mayer CD that fits the mood so perfectly, and my mom is driving, but I'm so lost in the idea of this song is me right now. So, yeah, music was always a part of my everyday and but so was my pursuit for the spiritual, and so I think it was just natural for them to merge. I don't know if that answered your question no that answers my question.
Speaker 1:So then, as you're moving on in high school and you said, like after your sophomore year, a lot of people started leaving, what was your experience? Did you consider you? Yeah, tell me about what your experience was while this was happening.
Speaker 5:Yeah, I think growing up in that church it was very much like tradition. So a lot of the kids were there just simply because, you know, our parents told us we needed to go to church and so we went, and so when that stage of life was was over and you know, I'll speak for my friends that I knew and for myself growing up in our household it was very much like once you turn 17, maybe even 16, like you, as as as a man, then you kind of take reins of, like what your life is going to be. So whether you're going to start working at that age, or whether you're going to start going to college, or whether you're going to start, yeah, whatever it is. That's the kind that's the age which the reins are kind of given to you in a. Hispanic home and they're like, you know, kind of do your thing. So a lot of that ends up being you know, if you grew up going to church, then a lot of them end up leaving because it was never really a thing for them. It was kind of like, ok, cool, I don't have to be here. I won't be here, you know, but you would see him at homeboys house for a sleepover or whatever, because you know we would all hang out. But for me it was. I left that church because I got involved in another ministry and because at that time, you know, I had already been pretty involved in the whole worship scene and whatnot. And so at around the age of 17 and 18, I had already started touring with a group that was pretty well known in the Adventist world as well. So we were, you know, I was touring with them at a very, at a very early age, and so I was always still involved in that, in that scene. So the idea of leaving church was never really a thing for me just because of how involved that was.
Speaker 1:What was your personal life like? Did it match up with like what you were? I mean high schoolers, teenagers, guys seems like they're always getting attacked. Was your personal life matching up with what you were singing about? How did you, how'd you feel about that?
Speaker 5:You know what you just said. That last line was like did it match with what you were singing about? I would have to say yeah, because what I was singing about wasn't necessarily all good. So my life for sure reflected a lot of what I was singing about at the time. So a lot of what I was singing about was the desire to be more than what I thought I was, you know. So I remember writing a song when I was like 16, 17, and the song said it said something like how am I still alive when, because of my deeds, I'm not supposed to be loved by you? But you take me as I am, you erase all my past and you something, something to start new again. So, like in that one line, like there's a contradiction already, and you might have heard it but, like you know, obviously I wasn't clear on gospel as a kid, but my life was definitely a reflection of that belief of like, yeah, like I'm, I'm a wretched sinner, you know, and that's what I'm always going to be. But hey, you know, jesus loves me, and so a lot of my experience in worship, leading and then the songs I was saying it was very much the same and so it matched my life. Like my mat. My life was in that state. My life was a back and forth. My life was double mindedness. My life was me thinking that what I was doing in secret was the truth of who I was, not knowing that I was called something else.
Speaker 1:I have this, this little black moleskin diary that I probably have. I had one small one and then I bought three or four more because they're so dope moleskin knows what they're doing and then I would write in these and I would also, whenever I was in a church or something, I would take a steps to Christ, every single church I would go to. And the reason behind the moleskin diary and the reason behind me taking all these steps to Christ was like I had I had to show that I was really sad about what I had done, and so I would write in these diaries and it would just be like my pleading with God, like I am so sorry, I don't, I don't want to do this anymore. And then I would like write my prayer requests in them and in a way, I thought like this is me kind of keeping this relationship with him open and I'm going to be honest with him, and I would take the steps to Christ just because I feel like I needed it, like I needed to read it, like I needed I just like, ah, man, because I felt so awful, and then there would be some victories and then back down again, back to that diary, writing it. I had. I, if you read it, if I go back and read it it's in my nightstand right now. There's some heartbreaking stuff in there just about how I felt about myself. That's what I hear you kind of saying when you're writing a song, and we all thought this was kind of the way it feels like Like how did you feel? Like like, did you feel like writing this song was kind of like making penance for, and maybe we all think like that when we're 14 and 15, 16. Like, I got to make it up to you somehow. Like, is that how you felt?
Speaker 5:I was a sad boy. I was, yeah, I was a sad boy. But yeah, now that I think about it, it's really interesting how, at that age, my posture towards my father was very like I'm so, you know, I'm so this, I'm so that, and obviously I know now it's because you know the lies that were fed to me, but it's just wild to think that at that age, man like I was, I was already in that mindset, you know. But it was very much. It was very much a hard cry, more than anything. You know, I don't, I don't think I was ever trying to gain approval, more so than I was wanting to just cry out in the weight that I felt of who I was, you know, like, almost like a David. You know I would read a lot of David stuff and you know where David's like talking about how he feels, like everything is coming down on him and he's like yo, just rescue me, right.
Speaker 1:David was the first sad boy.
Speaker 5:Yeah, pretty much. And you know it's funny because David David's, a lot of David's life was full of mess ups with girls. Yeah. And that was my life. And so at that age it was just like yo, like I'm like David, you know, like here's my heart cry, and it was never. There was never a way around the heart cry. It was just kind of like, yeah, that's, that's probably the peak. And then, you know, I get to this moment where I feel like you're close and then it's like, oh, I had a moment with Jesus, but that's about it.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I think it would be like my goal for my son, if you ever had like a diary like that, to not write any of that stuff that I ever wrote in mind, for it to be like a completely different Whole message in there. Okay, but you say you were talking about the lies. Like what lies were you believing then?
Speaker 5:Man I was. I was. Well, let's go back. Let's go back to the beginning. My, my mom is a single mom, not anymore because she got remarried, but that in itself tells you that at one point she got a divorce Right. And so the lie I was believing was that number one I was the product of a divorce Right and I was the one that I wasn't lovable because my dad wasn't there. And not just that, but in high school especially, you know, your first love right, like you give yourself, like you give everything, and that internet will Hold on hold on.
Speaker 1:Let's talk about this divorce for a second. Did you know you believed that you were unlovable. Is this like a conscious thought? Like how old were you when they got divorced?
Speaker 5:Well, I know it now, but they got divorced when I was born.
Speaker 1:And so just because he wasn't around, you felt like it was a personal thing in some ways.
Speaker 5:You know, as a kid I don't think I ever could name it, but I remember, right, like I look back and it's crazy I used to go around and that's my mom, mom, do you love me? Like just just a kid, like running around asking his mom like mom, do you love me, Do you love me? And she said yeah, yeah, I love you. Of course I love you. And, bro, it was a con, it was weird. There's a concept thing that I was always doing. I was like mom, do you love me, do you love me? And one day my mom was like, why do you keep asking me if I love you? And I was just like cuz, like you know, but yeah, like out, you know, just doing stuff like that as a kid and moments that mark you. For example, one of those moments for me was we're in church you know where I grew up and then they have this moment where they ask all the dads for Father's Day to go up on stage with their kids, right, cuz they're gonna honor all the fathers and whatever. And guess who was the only one that didn't go on stage? Like bro, I remember just feeling the weight of that moment of like dang, I don't have a dad and this member of the church, who's a really good friend of ours, came and took me up there with his sons or whatever. But I'm like, oh you're not my dad, bro, but yeah, moments like that mark you, you know, and that led to me believing in our sorts of lives. But yeah, as far as the divorce thing, that's kind of what it looked like for me as a kid.
Speaker 1:And so then you're in high school and you start making stupid decisions with girls and that kind of led to moralize.
Speaker 5:I really didn't do anything stupid. I think probably the most stupidest thing was-.
Speaker 1:Oh, you got your heart broken.
Speaker 5:When I made out with the girl in front of my teacher, I mean he was like, what are you doing, bro? I was like what? It's my first kid's dog. Like chill, but yeah, that's probably the stupidest thing I ever did. But you got your heart smashed. But I got my heart smashed, bro. I got my heart smashed. And not only did that happen once, but it happened twice. And it happened in the same way where the girl that I was with ended up with another dude.
Speaker 1:Oh, not cool.
Speaker 5:So not cool, bro. So you can imagine a 15, 16-year-old, 14, I don't know like high school kid right and going through that twice. Not only that, but I already feel like crap. And, yeah, man, it just sucked for me. And so, all the while, here's the flip side of what my high school years looked like. I was basically one of the main kids in my high school. Like, I was the basketball captain, I was soccer captain, I was a worship leader, I was a pastor of the class. I was this, I was that. I was the one kid of the school that I was touring, like you know, like it was pretty crazy how in my heart, I felt that I deserved more because of who I was, you know, but I never got what I really wanted.
Speaker 1:So those are lies on top of lies, and so now you're singing these songs that are kind of like the Psalms in many ways right. So how did I like, yeah, how did that play itself out that period of your life going through that time? Did you? Feel like that was what it was to be a Christian.
Speaker 5:Absolutely. I felt like I was the. I was the epitome, if that's the word. I was the epitome of what it looked like to be a young man who was fully devoted to Christ, fully involved in church, fully involved in his passion and his talents, or whatever, like I thought I was the embodiment of the top. But I was. But I was empty. And I knew I was empty because I knew what I was doing in the background, whether that was resorted into pornography or whether that was me actually like resenting the fact that, you know, I had positions of leadership that really didn't mean anything or whatever. But yeah, go ahead.
Speaker 1:Did you believe like that the lust was like a part of that, like this is a part of the life, that we just battled this and battled that. Or did you think you were like nobody knew what you were doing and so you were different and nobody was experiencing this, but you had to hide it Like was that? Did that make you some kind of degenerate? Or did that make you or did you feel like, well, this is what it's like to be a Christian.
Speaker 5:I definitely thought it was what it was like to be a Christian, just because it like, for me, be I. You know, just the whole thing of lust and addiction to it really started at a very young age for me. So it was way before high school, it was like fourth grade. So, yeah, I was first introduced to pornography when I was in fourth grade by a family member, believe it or not, like you know, looking back at it, he didn't know any better. We were in school and, you know, we were in the restroom hanging out and he goes up to the ceiling, grabs a magazine from the tile that we hid on top or whatever, and it's like, bro, look at what Homeboy brought from wherever, wherever. And I was like, yeah, that was my first introduction to it. And from there then I became the one introducing people to XYZ, you know. So, yeah, from a very early age it was a thing no-transcript. When I remember it was when I was a sophomore in high school. Shout out to Edry Santos, who is a chaplain in Colorado right now in one of our hospitals, but he was my Bible teacher, but he was a brother, he was a mentor, he was the one that really got me into pursuing my own relationship with Christ, and he introduced us to this book by Francis Chan called Crazy Love. I don't know if you've ever read it or seen it. I've heard it. Yeah, super popular. But this book, although not fully presenting the gospel to me, what it did was introduce me to the love of God and the magnitude of what it means to be loved by a creator. And so that's what kind of began the introduction of like hold up, like, even though I'm all these things in my head, right, even though I fall short, you know right, I'm still loved by an amazing God. So how can I not give my life to serve you know? How can I not, like, give my talents and everything I have to you know, to demonstrate how much I appreciate the fact that he loves me, you know? And yeah, so I kind of last track of where I was going, but the idea of, yeah, we'll just cut it there.
Speaker 1:Yeah, your chaplain your chaplain puts you onto the book while you're in the middle of struggling with this Christian life, that also involved you slipping up when it came to porn. Did you try to not look at it, or were you just like, resigned to I don't? I couldn't stop if I wanted to.
Speaker 5:Bro, I try all sorts of things, like I would read magazines that would try to help me, like I was counseling myself, basically. So, yeah, I tried everything not to do it, but I always ended up going back.
Speaker 1:Because you felt, you just felt the shame and you felt complete guilt.
Speaker 5:Just because it was hard, why did?
Speaker 1:I try to stop doing it yeah.
Speaker 5:Oh, just because, you know, in the deeper parts of me, I knew what I was doing was wrong. It was like, yeah, I shouldn't be doing this, especially because I have a girlfriend.
Speaker 1:I was. A girl came to talk to me not just one-on-one, to make sure, put that out there. There was other people there, but she wanted to talk about this issue and she was like yeah, I don't think it's a problem. I said, okay, she's kind of looking at me strange and she's like you don't think it's a problem. I was like look at it if you want to look at it. And she just kept looking at me weird and then we kept talking about it and she's like why are you saying this? I'm like I'm not going to try to convince you that pornography is destroying you. Whether you believe me or not, it will do its job in hurting you. It will prove itself. And about 35 minutes later into the conversation, she was like I want to stop. I do think it's horrible, I do think it's destroying me. Like I just I don't know how and it kind of reminds me of what you're saying is just like no matter what, there's something inside of a human being that says this is not right, like this, it can't be right. You can convince yourself all day and all night that it's okay, but at the end of the day, unless you suppress it, suppress it, suppress it and just lie to yourself. You could probably convince yourself, I guess, but to heart, that, yeah, there's something that just pulls you and says no. And then the enemy puts this lie onto you and says, oh, you need to do this and this and this. He'll pull all the different tricks to keep you in that low, low space, to keep you from your father, and then you have the enemy's tactics on you during that time.
Speaker 5:Man, it was, I remember, when I first met Jonathan. I was my answer to everything. I was 15. But I was 15 when I first met Jonathan and I remember that summer they asked me to give my testimony right. For whatever reason, I was there helping with worship or whatever. So I go on stage and I'm like hi, my name is Christian Aparecio and I am a porn addict. Dang. And that's how I start my testimony, and then the whole thing is about how you know.
Speaker 1:I bet you got everybody's attention real quick.
Speaker 5:Oh, I did. And everybody afterwards was like bro, like I love that you were so vulnerable and staring at like whatever, like you know.
Speaker 1:Well, I cut you off. You were saying I'm a porn addict. What'd you say after that?
Speaker 5:Well, I forget what I said after that, but it was basically everything about me falling short. But the God of God's, even in the midst of me doing the nasty, he doesn't need regardless, and all I want to do is give myself to him. You know, but did I know how to know? But that was my testimony, bro. So you asked you know what was the? What was the enemy's tactics? Well, the enemy's tactics was keeping me half alive and half dead, you know, just keeping me in that loop of like yeah, bro, you kind of suck, but you know, it's cute that you're trying to pursue Christ and all that, but you know, just know that you're always going to suck, bro. You know the enemy's lie was keeping me, keeping me hungry for more, you know.
Speaker 1:Man, we buy into this way of thinking. People think this is this is just a lie. This is our lives, this is how we should live, that we're always going to be basura and when Jesus comes, he'll finally get us out of it. That's trash for we're always going to be that we're always going to be trash Like, but we're trash that Jesus loves. That mindset is like. Nobody says it like that, but that's kind of what you're preaching. You know what I'm saying. That's what people are, that's what. That was your testimony, right? Low key trash but Jesus loves me yeah bro.
Speaker 5:Well, man, one of the biggest lives I remember hearing as a kid, believing as a kid and even telling other people is that the whole thing of like you know what you're doing secret, you know when you're by yourself in your room and you're doing the thing you're not supposed to be doing. That's who you really are, and I remember I used to take that to the bank dude and be like dang. I guess I'm freaking messed up because the only thing I keep doing when no one's watching is feeding my addiction.
Speaker 1:And so you were your addiction.
Speaker 5:And so I was my addiction, bro. So that's what's crazy is that, you know, even though I had these titles, even though I was involved, even though I grew up in the church, even though I sang, even though I did this, what kept me humble quote, unquote was me being able to tell people nah, but you don't know who I really am, though, and that was. It's so perverted, it's such a twisted way of thinking to be like to think that my humility comes from the, the ugliness I think I am, you know, and to think that, you know, god uses filthy rags and I'm one of those filthy rags, you know, but I'm just grateful to be you.
Speaker 1:Man, I bet you right now we could go on the canva and make like a sunset little meme and put I'm a filthy rag, but God uses filthy rags, and put it on Instagram and be getting tons of likes.
Speaker 5:Oh for sure, 100%, 100% People buying into that mug. It's wild, bro. You look at all our stories, you look at your story, you look at my story. I mean, people are hearing my story, so you know. But we, we all bought into that line at one point, you know.
Speaker 1:So you're still doing this music thing, you're 15. Let's move on to age 16, 17, like. So, as you're growing, you're maturing. You're still kind of in this hamster wheel, this rut, believing these lies. What happened? How did it manifest itself in your life?
Speaker 5:Yeah, so fast forward to senior year of high school.
Speaker 1:Let's do it. It's junior year. Nothing happened. Sophomore year went down, senior year.
Speaker 5:Yeah, so let's get this go to senior year, high school. Senior year high school I broke up with a girl I had dated for a while and, man, she was like the one you know and I was like, dang, this girl is dope. And unfortunately, you know, that relationship went south. But I remember being in the mind that my mindset switched that year and it was pretty much the mindset of like after world, I'm gonna do me.
Speaker 1:Why did it switch?
Speaker 5:Do you know, it switched because of the lies of at the end of the day, no matter how much I try to be loved, the only one that's gonna be able to take care of me is me, type of thing. Right, and yeah, so it switched because it was like yo, I'm done being heartbroken, you know, I'm done like just being a little side piece type of thing. So I'm gonna do me. So I said, you know, forget the world. And I remember that year Drake's nothing was the same album came out, Bro. That joint was a soundtrack of my year.
Speaker 1:Because that the one was started from the bottom as the first single.
Speaker 5:Yeah, and you know there's a song that's like you know, I love that.
Speaker 1:Oh yeah.
Speaker 5:I love that. Now you want to roll work, yeah? So like, yeah, that whole. That was my attitude, man, that was my mindset and that spilled into my college years. So I started my freshman year college with the attitude of, like, forget the world, I'm gonna do me Right. Everybody had always said yo, you really have a calling to ministry, you should go into ministry. But I said forget the world, like you know, I don't care, I'm gonna go do me. So I was like, let me go to a school that is out of state because I don't want to be around here. Let me go to Southern Adventist University College, dalton yeah, yeah. And let me go where everybody says they'll end up with somebody, because I really want to end up with somebody.
Speaker 1:Southern matrimonial college. That's what I used to call it back in the day.
Speaker 5:And I went for graphic design. So let me tell you that, because that attitude and mindset spilled into my freshman year of college, that year was a disaster for me, bro. So I think what I'm 18 at the time and I'm there. I was just there for a year, but in that one year I failed fitness twice. You failed a class called fitness. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get to that, I'm gonna get there.
Speaker 1:I'm just like you, a fit guy. How'd you fail that, like you just didn't show up to class?
Speaker 5:I just didn't wear the heart rate monitor that was required for the class. People that go to Southern are like, okay, that's understandable, though I get it. Yeah, like I was so focused on my image and who I was. I was in the gym every single day but I was failing like three of my classes. Right, I was talking to this girl who had a boyfriend over here. I was talking to this other girl who had a boyfriend over there. Like I was all about me, you know, because I said, man, forget what I've been doing. Like like, I'm just going to do it my way. And yeah, bro, I remember, even at the time, with that band I was touring with in high school, so the guys I would I toured with, they were it's two brothers and they were both my teachers. So I was doing music with my teachers and we were touring. It was great. It was great, but it was cool. So we ended up doing a show while I was a freshman. So I had to go out to you know, I had to fly out to wherever we were doing it. And I remember them looking at me and telling me like you're different, you're not okay, like what's wrong with you, the type of thing Like so it was crazy how, like, even that mentality had manifested. And like you know me as a person, like people can see it, you know people that really know me. So I screw up my freshman year to the point to where my mom, like I had been lying to my mom throughout the year telling her like no, I'm doing good, like you know this and that, like right, but little did she know that I'm not doing well. And once we were short, I, after that year, I ended up back home in Texas, right, and at this point my parents are frustrated with me my stepdad and my mom because I pretty much ruined my whole first year of college and they were supporting me at the time and they're like what are you doing with your life? You know, and so I remember, just rethinking it, and I was like man, like I don't like this you know, like I don't want to be in this, like this isn't me, you know, like I even remember at the time, like I was still talking to one of the girls that I had been talking to at Southern and she had a boyfriend, but I was still talking to her anyways, and I didn't know it. But at the time Spirit told me like what are you doing? If you were, you've been at the other end of this and you didn't, you didn't like the way that turned out. So what are you doing doing that to somebody else? And I remember that night is when I cut it and I said I can't, I can't do this anymore. And so from there it was like I'm going to change my life, I'm going to change my life, right. So my attitude was still after world, I'm going to do this. But now it was like I want to do right by me, type of thing. So it's funny how it went from I'm going to do anything I want to, like now I've got to get my life shape, but I got to do it.
Speaker 1:You're disciplined.
Speaker 5:You know what I'm saying Like I got to prove something and it started becoming a lot of trying to prove to my parents that I wasn't what they thought I was, you know. So, yeah, at that time it was a really toxic place in my home. My mom was going through some stuff. I really don't know what it was but at the time my stepdad was going through some stuff as well. My stepbrother had just been thrown in jail for like a second time and he had been on probation after he had already been in jail for like five years. And so my stepdad starts going to depression and so you can imagine them going through their stuff, me not living up to what they thought a good son would be. Then the other one goes to jail and the house is just a mess and you know, it gets to the point to where they're like giving me ultimatums and my stepdad's, like you know, either you do things the way we want you to do them or you can't leave it here, type of thing. And so at the time I remember I had set my mind to go to Southwestern to do theology school.
Speaker 1:And that was just because we were going to do it different right.
Speaker 5:Just because I was like you know what, I guess I'll try out this password thing type of thing.
Speaker 1:That's how people want to go into the ministry, All right. Well, let me just try out this password thing right quick. That's your call to the ministry.
Speaker 5:Here's what's funny what people don't know is that people who are fresh into ministry and people who go into the army aren't that different, because either it's I don't know what to do with my life and so I'm going to do this so that it can hopefully give me direction, or it's I have a sense of calling and I think this is the only way to serve. You know, I'm not saying that that's everybody, but those are two very similar things that I see that you find in the military and you find in people who try to go into ministry. But at least for my life, it was like, okay, people say I got a calling on this, then let's give it a shot. Like you know, like I love God, you know, at least I thought I did. So I was like you know, let me give it a shot. And so I started getting my GPA up and, yeah, it ended up coming down to me having to leave the house. So, I left my, I left my mom's house and I went to go live with my aunt and I started school at Southwestern. So a lot of it, too, was when people would ask me about my faith or what I believe, my only response was well, I'm a seven day Adventist and I go to church on Sabbath, and here's why, right. And so I myself wasn't satisfied with that answer, and so I was like, man, I need to know what the heck I'm talking about. Like, what do I even believe? Like I call myself an Adventist right. And so my head's wrapped around the idea of, like, I'm a seven day Adventist, not necessarily a Christian right. It's like, how am I going to be doing this thing if I don't even know what I believe? How am I going to be a pastor if I don't really you know? So let me go to school so that I can fully understand everything that I'm supposed to believe. That way I can better articulate it. Right, that's weird. I just did that.
Speaker 1:No one can see that listening to the podcast. He just did a funny hand motion.
Speaker 5:So yeah, so I ended up in Southwestern and I'm back in Texas where I had my reputation and a lot of the people there in Southwestern know me for you know, leading worship and for doing this, doing that, and you know, so I'm I'm like getting back in the groove of like, oh, very cool, like you know, like I'm back at it, like this is me. You know what I'm saying.
Speaker 1:Like, you're getting your identity, your old identity, back in some ways.
Speaker 5:Yeah, it's all about. You know my position and what I do and how I do it. And then I get a call to go to Hawaii and that made my ego boost and there's like, oh shoot, they're calling me to go to Hawaii. You know what I'm?
Speaker 1:saying what year was this, how long ago was this.
Speaker 5:This is 2018.
Speaker 1:Not too long ago, not too long ago.
Speaker 5:So it's like, oh shoot, I get a call to go to Hawaii. In my head I'm thinking like this is dope, you know what I'm saying. Like I get to go be worship in Hawaii, like, and then my friend has been in Hawaii. You know, little did I know was going to change my life forever.
Speaker 1:Little did you know.
Speaker 5:Little did I know.
Speaker 1:So you went to Hawaii. We're all with bated breath right now. What happened, bro?
Speaker 5:So I went to Hawaii to help out with this thing called the love reality tour.
Speaker 1:Love reality. It's been mentioned once or twice on this podcast.
Speaker 5:Been mentioned once or twice. I'm like, all right, cool, you know, just another worship event that I'm going to do. You know I'm going to do my thing and probably make some friends. You know I'm probably swimming the beach and then get out of there. And I had met Jonathan, again, you know, when I was like 15. So we knew each other.
Speaker 1:And this is the lead guy for the love reality tour, the main guy.
Speaker 5:Yeah, one of the main speakers. I want to say he's the main guy anymore. He's one of the main speakers. He wants people to know that he's not the main guy. I'll just say like that Okay.
Speaker 1:Jonathan, we'll go with that.
Speaker 5:Anyways. So while I'm out there, I started hearing this dude speak and I'm like what in the world is he saying? But yeah, I remember me and him are driving in a van and I'm like, bro, so you know what's this whole thing about? Like this thing that you're preaching about, you know what is this, whatever. And he's like I'm gonna ask you a question. I was like okay, he was like what's your relationship to sin? And I'm like you just. Y'all just heard my life story, so you already know what my answer is going to be. I was like I'm a straight up sinner. You know like I am a mess, it's just natural. You know human nature. And he's like all right, read Hebrews, chapter 10. So I started reading Hebrews chapter 10. And I'm like go, for the law was a shadow or the things to come. And so my mind is already going when I hear that line, because I'm like hold up what I keep reading. And then it gets verse 14 that says for by one sacrifice, he has forever made perfect those who are being sanctified. And Jonathan's like what does that say about you? And my mind is like just exploding because I had never read this in my life before. And. I'm like. It says that I'm perfect and that he sent me apart. And he's like all right now read Romans, chapter six, verse 11. And it says so you must consider yourself dead to sin and a life to God in Christ Jesus. He's like. So what does that say about you? I look at him and I'm like bro, why have I never seen this? Which is probably what we've all reacted to, you know. And so it's crazy to think that man, 22 years up to that point in my life, had been lost in believing that I was no better than my worst action, than my worst thing that I had done. And like man, it's crazy. I remember I was on a plane ride not too long ago and I was just thinking about you know what we get to live in now. And as the plane's taken off, I see everything just began to get smaller, right, and I'm like there's a person. I was like there's a person driving the car there, there's a person in that building, there's a person in that house, and I began to think about, like my mindset that I had prior to freedom and I was like, from up here, those people's problems are incomparable with the grandness of what God can do and what God is Like you're talking about, like being so small, but we make our problems so big just because of how much the lie is like weighted over us. And it hit me in that moment of like dang, like my life was like, like, imagine, like the grandness I could have experienced, like, as you know, as a young man, knowing that I was free and you know I wasn't beating myself up or whatever, but it was just a light for like me to recognize, like man, like I get to see the world now the way he sees it. You know, I get to see the grand picture of it all in its true light. But back to Hawaii, man, I remember it was just hitting me, man, and at the time, you know, I believed that was nothing more than I'm added to pornography. I was no better than you know my, my actions. I was no better than the last time I had slept around. I was no better than XYZ. You know what I'm saying. So, and I remember going on a hike with Jonathan and Jonathan's, like you know. So, how are you receiving this thing? And I'm like, well, I want it. Like, I want it, it's me Like, I mean, it's like, so what's keeping you from actually believing that it's true about you? And I'm like having a hard time trying to take it out. I was like, well, my, my, my, it's like, okay, well, like, name it. What's the thing and the shame of thinking that if I named it it would be true about me Wanted to keep me suppressed, and I was like I just named it. I was like I'm porn addict, like I've had sex before marriage. I've done this for people who know me and y'all have never heard that I'm free. So, whatever, you know, like I've done this, I've done that, I've said these things, I've had these thoughts, whatever. And he's like, all right, cool, what's the truth about all that? And light of what God has done and in light of what he says you are. And I remember at the time, like in my head, like I knew what I wanted to be true, but but even then in that moment, it was like nah, but like it can't be that easy you know, and yeah, man, at the end of that week I was leaving and I was at the beach and we had just witnessed a baptism and then Jonathan comes in and he prays a word over my life that I would receive a heart of repentance. You know that I would receive the gift of the Spirit over my life, bro. And it's crazy because on the plane ride back home I opened my Bible and for the first time in my life, that line right there, bro, that just hit me. For the first time in my life it was real for me, mercy. Yeah, that just hit me, man. For the first time in my life I was a son of the King like, for real was a son of the King. For the first time in my life I was loved, but like, truly loved. You know, at least, for the first time in my life I knew that I was loved. For the first time in my life I knew that I was blameless, that I was holy, that I was righteous, and I absolutely knew it had nothing to do with me.
Speaker 1:Mercy.
Speaker 5:You know, and that's what blew my mind, man, and I remember I got back and the first thing I did was I had to go lead worship for like a summer camp that this Sunday church was doing. And you know I had only been through, you know, one week of LRT, so I really didn't know how to express anything. But I remember sitting at the table with some of the worship leaders that we were doing it with, and we're talking and this stuff just starts flowing out of my mouth and we start going to these scriptures and I started, like you know, directing them to like this here and that there, and like it was so clear and I'm like how is this even coming out of my mouth? And I call Jonathan and I'm like, bro, you won't believe what just happened. Man, like I just freaking, like poured out gospel and I didn't even know, like, what I was saying when it was coming out. And he's like, yeah, that's spirit dummy. But yeah, this is what I tell people is that ever since that day, there hasn't been a week I mean, there hasn't been a day that I don't talk to anybody about gospel.
Speaker 1:So it's all you. It's what you're about now, huh 100%. Do you remember the moment that was it on the plane, that you just accepted it, that you believed it?
Speaker 5:No, it was on the plane that it was shown to me. It was on the plane that spirit just like revealed the truth, like it was, like it's crazy. It was like a blanket, it was like just removed from off of me and I was able to see it. It was wild. You know, we often use the illustration of wearing the wrong glasses, you know. And so it was literally like I took off a blurry pair and I put on new ones and I was able to see everything clearly. It was crazy.
Speaker 1:So that was summer 2018?
Speaker 5:2018, yeah.
Speaker 1:So what's been the journey since then? Like, were you still at Southwestern? Did you go back to Southwestern in fall of 2018?
Speaker 5:I dropped out.
Speaker 1:Just dropped out.
Speaker 5:You're just like Guys. Go back to why I was at Southwestern.
Speaker 1:You were going to prove everybody wrong by being a pastor.
Speaker 5:Well, I was there also to clarify what it was that I believed. Huh.
Speaker 1:And we're not saying, by the way, just public services announcement. We're not saying, drop out of college. Anybody listening?
Speaker 5:I'm just kidding. I just play If the spirit said that I just play. Yeah, no, I um. Yeah it was, it was a. It was a cutthroat decision of like no, yeah, I don't have to go back. That was yeah, it was done.
Speaker 1:And so what? What has been? You said you talk to somebody about it every day. What has been your life since then? You've just been what is? What is? How's God been fathering you, teaching you through this this time?
Speaker 5:Well, um, since then I dropped out of college and I started touring with LRT full time. So my journey has been a nomadic one where, you know, jonathan and I were the only ones touring for at least a year um, together. You know, we would meet up with different team members here and there, but for the most part it was just me and him on the boat. And so a lot of my growth in this has been just me on a plane, by myself, in the secret place, you know me, and the hotel room is where we stay in a secret place by myself. You know me in the shower because Jonathan's asleep, you know, in a secret place, by myself. And when I come out of those moments, the only thing that comes out of me is nothing but my father, you know. So it doesn't matter, you know who I'm talking to. The only thing that comes out is is what he would say, you know, is what is what my father would say is what my father wants to do. And I think that's the most wildest thing about this whole journey is that what my father's been teaching me is that I'm, I was born to be like him, and a lot of people think that's blasphemy. But I was born to be like him. I was born to be like my brother, jesus, and if you don't see it on Jesus, then I don't want it on me. You know it's, it's been, it's been a journey of learning from learning from mistakes. You know that, that I make here and there, but I have people like you and I have people like Jonathan who are my brothers, and I have sisters and this thing too that call me out to live according to who I am, you know, not according to what I, what I used to be, and that's the coolest thing. We was just talking about that today. Okay, what the people is, man, we. What a privilege it is to actually do life with people who don't see you for what you were, but see you for who you truly are.
Speaker 1:Mercy.
Speaker 5:You know, and and they push you in, in in tenderness and in care and with patience and with love, just for the sake of love, like you know, and and it and it's so true and it's so genuine, it's not fake, it's not motivated by a false motive, it's and it's, it's just so free. There's no pressure, like I'm not trying to upper hand you, I'm not trying to be the one who thinks higher than you, I'm not trying to be the one who outplays you, and we just do life together because it's what it's supposed to be, you know.
Speaker 1:The first time I met you was September 2019, when we were all in Lincoln and it was like we were homeboys for five years. Before that it felt like it's like, oh no, we're boys, like facts and yeah, and almost immediately, because I mean, I think this is what the church is, is like you and I have some things in common, maybe more than other people, just because we both love ball, we both love hip hop, we both love sneakers. But I can say the same thing about Emily Koo Like she's my sister, you're my brother, and the baseline is that we both have this understanding of this good gospel thing. So no one's positioning themselves like that first, like there's nothing like being with God's people, bro, there's nothing like it and it's how we're meant to do life and that's. It's awesome. So talk to me about the praise songs you were singing before and what the praise songs are singing now. And I've always thought, like praise songs hit different. When you believe the words, it's just different. Like how has that been? You did music for so many years before freedom and now that you're free, what does it look like? How's it different?
Speaker 5:I mean, before I used to sing stuff like amazing love, how could it be? But you're not, came or died from them. But now it's like, oh, I'm free, free forever. We're free. Come join the song of all of the things. You know we're free. You know, like I declare it now Because it's true, you know, it's not something. I remember a mentor, you know, with all the greatest intentions, told me you're like, when you sing things, even though you don't feel it, sing it in hopes that it could be true about you. And I remember that helped me for a long time, because it was like, yeah, I might not feel it, but I'm going to sing it in hopes that it could be true. Like you know, like let me, let me hope that God loves me. And now it's like I sing because it's absolutely 100% fact. You know, I don't got to plead for it, I don't got to beg for it, I don't got a chant for it. It is what it is, you know. And I started rapping.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I kind of wanted to end the podcast with. I wanted to ask you about these songs, bro, if you haven't figured out the voice that you're listening to, the song at the beginning made for that's your Boy, and then the song at the end, oh, I'm tripping gold. What's the name of this? Outside? Or I'm like, stay gold. Okay, first let's talk about Outsiders, because if you listen to the first, what is it? Probably four episodes? Outsiders was the song at the beginning, and this is the artist who sings. That song tells us about Outsiders and how like it came, like the thought process behind you writing the song, how long it took to write the song.
Speaker 5:Yeah. So Outsiders took about like a month to complete, but Outsiders it started with. Well, it was the first one to be like all right, this is like I want to put out music and I'm going to start doing it and this is the one I'm going to release first, right? So I remember, just you know, playing the beat over and over and over, just thinking like you know how the heck am I going to make this something, this of all that brings life to people and second, of all that hits, and I'm saying like it's got to be a banger. So it's got to be a banger. So people tell me it is.
Speaker 1:It's a banger bro.
Speaker 5:But yeah, when I started writing it.
Speaker 1:I was going to ask you what's your favorite lyric in that song.
Speaker 5:She's the kind of version.
Speaker 1:But she bad though she bad.
Speaker 5:So yeah, I mean, like people that have been listening to this whole podcast, like if they listen to the lyrics now I think it's super cool because they'll see where I'm coming from. That's the coolest thing. So it's like, if you're going to shoot, can't stop till we make it to the moon. It's too late, can't stop it, it's a boom. No, I cannot wait till you. Approve, I got people with me on the other side.
Speaker 1:I can't wait till you approve. Go into that a little bit. Was that from like you go like wanting the approval and now you don't need it anymore, wanting to prove people wrong or wanting to? Prove that you are worthy.
Speaker 5:Now it's like I really don't care what you think in light of what I should be and all these other things, because I've been approved. So now it's no longer after world. Now it's like praise the Lord, so he's approved of me, so I don't need anybody else to approve.
Speaker 1:So because you don't need their approval, how does it lead to you treating them?
Speaker 5:Oh, it leaves me to loving people way better than I could have ever loved them, because now I don't need them to like me in order for me to love them. You know, now I don't need people to support my mission for me to actually start doing what I know I should be doing. You know, there's a lot of people out there who don't start their dreams or what God has put on their heart because they lack the approval of somebody very important in their life. But it's like, bro, like they don't like they're not the one that put that in your heart. You know, the Lord did, and he's already approved of you.
Speaker 1:What is the lyric in that song where he says I search the world and it couldn't fill me, god's empty praise. And what does he say? Something in fame wasn't enough, but then you came along.
Speaker 5:You put me back together.
Speaker 1:That's the cut right there. I heard you say that song.
Speaker 5:You did hear me at a wedding that I was recently.
Speaker 1:So what's the lyric after?
Speaker 5:I cannot wait to approve. I got people with me on the other side, as you.
Speaker 1:Holla.
Speaker 5:No, this ain't a fake it to you. Oh no, that's, that's another version of it. I didn't put it. I got people with me on the side, spirit on me too bright. I see they trying to write coming out for the night Is that come alive? Coming out for the fight? Yeah, we stayed alive and then it goes.
Speaker 1:If you ready, come and see me.
Speaker 5:Put your hands down. We didn't come with questions that we've been down. What?
Speaker 1:about that. We don't come with questions.
Speaker 5:What is that? Yeah, so that one man, when you present, when you, when you, when you with that gospel, truth people have people have probably encountered this is that when you present the gospel to somebody who grew up the way we did are probably going to have a lot of questions, just like we did, you know. But I think the cool thing is that you know now we say this all the time we don't have a whole bunch of questions, we just got one amazing answer, you know. So that's the idea behind a put your hands down. We didn't come with questions that we've been back and I'm a don is what's the hands? Now we're from thinking broke to living rich now and that line, that line to me is freaking dope and it's like, yeah, like I used to think I was broke in all sorts of ways. You know, I thought I was broken life, I thought I was broken love, I thought I was broken spirit and the way I was. But now I'm not, you know.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm not sure if I've told this story on the podcast. If I have, I'm sorry, but remember when we were at the basketball tournament and you, me and Tyler were sitting next to Jason Terry and we're asking him all these questions about LeBron and all this stuff Somebody took a picture of me and Jason Terry talking and they sent it to me and I ended up sending it to Jonathan and he texted me back and he was like there's one of the richest people in the world and a guy who played in the NBA for a few seasons Meaning like we are, we're rich because we actually understand what we have.
Speaker 5:Straight up.
Speaker 1:So we went to from living broke.
Speaker 5:Where's my thinking broke? Thinking broke to living rich and then bouncing with the twosie. Watch me slide now.
Speaker 1:That's a Drake reference.
Speaker 5:Shout out to Drake. She looked kind of bougie and she bad. Now Is she bad? Yeah, mama think I made it. Is you proud now? No, that was just a lot. I'm not saying like, look, mom, are you proud of me, it was just like you know, just trying to say like I appreciate you, mom. Anyways, holly, when you ready, come and see me Working our day, working our night. I do for the kids and for my city. I can have fall. I got the light man. That do for the kids thing is so real, bro, because that's part of the reason why I really started rapping. I got little cousins who just listen to garbage and I was like, bro, I want to give you something really dope to listen to, you know. And so, like, I got a little cousin who is a funny story. I got a little cousin who called his dad and was like yo, do you hear Christian song yet? And his dad was like, nah, not yet. But what'd you think? I was like he's got potential.
Speaker 1:I've had several people contact me about like yo, who's singing on the track at the beginning, or what's that song someone just this last week asked me about made for they're like yo, what is that song? That's all I sent them. Hit them with the link. Hit them with the link. Hit them with the link and they were like oh shoot, oh, shoot yeah.
Speaker 5:Do it for the kids and for my city. I can have fall. I got the light Spirit on me. Watch it come down. All the demons, let them know. Outsiders, we've been around pointy boys, we stay and go. Let's go, that's what's up?
Speaker 1:So what is your favorite you think you have on? Are there all your kids, all your lyrics? You can't pick one.
Speaker 5:I think my favorite one is I'm cutting ties with the spirits trying to play with me Just because of the mood it carries, and when it cuts in the song I feel like that's a lyric that gets people in there like hell yeah.
Speaker 1:I'm not having it. I'm not having it. What about Made For Bro? This is your newest song, so Made?
Speaker 5:For it's a different vibe. Yeah, so Made, for I actually finished before Outsiders, but I didn't put it out because I didn't feel like it was the first one, but it was the first one that made me cry out of my songs. So it made me cry because one I had produced it myself, like everything, like I made the beat, I did my vocals, I mixed it, I mastered it, everything. And when it got to the part there's a part it gets to, but because it's so real to me, what I'm saying is so real to me I was like dang, if it hits somebody the way it hits me, that's the coolest thing. And I started crying because I was like this is only happening because of what spirit has done in my life. Mercy. So it was cool, but yeah, I mean, all my soul took the price that I was paid for. Oh my God, this is the life I was made for. You know what I'm saying? We do it amazing. I think that pretty much speaks for itself. That's it. And then it goes. Put off the chains, we bounce up for the night. Look out, god gave me life, no clout. This for the lost and found. So it's not just for the found, but it's for the lost too. This is for the lost and found. We take in the heat. I think you'll relate with this one. We take in the heat as part of the game, because when you believe ain't nothing, the same the hate on the speech, but we've got the flame, the slick at the heart because we are the same.
Speaker 1:Dang.
Speaker 5:Yeah. So that's what man for anybody who starts walking in freedom. Let me tell you that the road is not going to be easy, even in light of sharing gospel with someone as close to you as your friends and family, because where there's darkness, darkness always hates the light. So I've had moments where I'm sharing gospel with friends or family, but they don't take it easy. They actually have a hard time receiving the goodness of the gospel just because they're so wrapped up in chains. And it really comes down to like are people ready to die or not? I think when Jonathan presented the gospel for me, he asked me the other day like dang, you just received it. I was like, yeah, I was ready to die, bro, I was done. I had been living in my deception for so long. I was like, bro, like I'm done with this, and so the people that are on the edge.
Speaker 1:The people like Morgan received it when she was about to her marriage was over. Tyler received it when he was almost done with Christianity Period. My girl, jager, received it when she had just given up. She's like what? What can I do? What is there? Man? When you hear Beebe's testimony, it's heartbreaking to think where she was, even after believing in Jesus but not understanding gospel. Just that she was. There's no way God could let her into heaven. That blew me away so little. Did he know that Biggie made an album about the gospel? No, he didn't. Ready to die? I'm not going to listen to the gospel and ready to die? Do not go listen to the album right now, please.
Speaker 5:Yeah, that's one of my favorite questions to ask people. It's, like you know, ready to die? And just because like it's a cutthroat on this question, that like has people question their state of being. It's like am I, am I ready to like give up everything I've known pretty much, because many times a lot of people are afraid to say yes because they feel as though the other side requires a lot of work. You know, they look at. They look at your life lived and they think that's too much for me to actually perform Like I'm not ready for that. Yet I'm not ready for me to like be all in, Like I've never been able to, nor do I think that I will be able to, so like I'm not ready to commit to this life. But if only they would understand this. Like no, like you know, it took me dying to receive what animates my body now.
Speaker 1:Let's go.
Speaker 5:Yeah. So for anybody who's listening, man, you better die quick. So yeah, because when you believe ain't nothing the same. They on the speech, but we got the flame. Look at the heart, so we are the same. And then it goes. I talked, they want to attack, say nothing, but they get mad. Live in my life for the kids. I'm west with the biz, I'm all in my bag. So that's the Kanye West reference when I say I'm. I'm west with the biz. This boy is like a billionaire now talking about gospel. You know, I'm all in my bag. Jesus is king. I'm running for president. I can't hear it. Yeah, like I know that. I know the presidency is over, but Kanye is not crazy. I'm just telling you right now, all of my sins, my God, don't remember them. All of my dogs, we know that we innocent. All of these cars, you know that we get in them. They tell my bro, you know that we get in them. And then it goes into like a thing it's all of my sin, all of my sin. He washed it away. Watch it away. I'm born again. I'm born again.
Speaker 1:So yeah, man, that's hot gospel Bro, bro, hot gospel lava.
Speaker 5:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, hey, man, love your story. Love, we carry that same spirit, bro. So, it's straight up. So thanks for coming on and on the way out, we'll throw on this outsiders for these kids, because we're doing it for the kids and for the city bro.
Speaker 5:That's it, bro. I love you, my dog. I appreciate you doing this.
Speaker 1:Yes, sir. Bye.
Speaker 4:It's too late, can't stop it, it's a boom. Know how can I wait till you approve? I got people with me on the other side Spirin' on me too bright. I see they tryna ride Comin' out for the night. Yeah, this that come alive Comin' out for the fight. Yeah, we stay alive, we stay alive. Ay, ay, ay, put your hands down, we ain't coming questions. Yeah, we been down. Creed I am a don is washed the hands now we're from thinking broke to living rich. Now, ay, bustin' with the twos. You watch me slide now. Ay, she look kinda bougie and she bad now. Ay, mama think I made it easy brawl now. Ay, ay, ay.
Speaker 3:Ay holla, when you ready, come and see me Workin' all day, workin' all night.
Speaker 4:Doin' for the kids and for my city. I can not fall out of the light Spirin' on me. Want you come down All the demons let em know. Outside us we been around Pony boys. They ain't go. Huh, lookin' at me, what do you see? K-o-d only talk holy things. I'm a prince. That's where I came 23,. Check the rings F-O-G on my feet, on my soul. Jesus Christ set me free. Only motivation on me now is heavenly Lotta. People tryna drain me utterst energy. I talk to God, told me people's not my enemies. I'm cut in ties with the spirits. Tryna play with me. Ay, finna, go show case. I tell we make it to the moon. It's too late, can't stop it, it's a boom. Know, I cannot wait till you approve. I got people with me on the other side Spirin' on me too bright. I see they tryna ride Comin' out for the night. Yeah, this that come alive Comin' out for the fight. Yeah, we stay alive. We stay alive, ayy. We stay alive, ayy, we stay alive, ayy.