Summary: Embark on an emotional odyssey through pain, faith, and transformation with Serena as she unveils the chapters of her life. From a childhood deeply intertwined with love for Jesus to navigating the upheaval of her parents' divorce and her father's battle with alcohol, Serena shares her struggles with acceptance and the isolating impact of her intense church involvement. The journey takes us through Serena's trials with trust, identity, the end of a significant relationship, and her relocation to Washington, unfolding a narrative of self-discovery and faith rebirth. The conversation delves into the strains of relationships, challenges in high school sports, and the turmoil of a long-distance relationship that brought personal struggles. Serena's unyielding faith in Jesus remains a constant, even when the gospel seemed insufficient. In the final chapters, we explore her encounters with love, loss, and healing, witnessing her transformation from pain and anger to joy and love, a testament to the potent combination of faith and resilience in the face of adversity. Tune in to this inspiring journey of faith, resilience, and transformation.
View more resources on our website
Timestamps:
10:04 - Losing Innocence and Finding Strength
17:44 - Divorce and High School Sports Struggles
35:52 - Struggles With Trust and Identity
42:01 - Dating, Summer Camp, and Long Distance
48:05 - Strained Relationships and Personal Struggles
1:02:10 - A Journey of Self-Discovery and Faith
1:15:16 - Journey of Love, Loss, and Healing
1:26:46 - Pain, Worship, and Loss
1:33:28 - Discovering Unconditional Love and Freedom
1:47:56 - Reconciliation and Freedom With Father
2:07:52 - Gratitude and Farewell in Podcast Conversation
Keywords: Faith, Transformation, Resilience, Relationships, Self-discovery, Healing, Love, Adversity, Acceptance.
Summary: Embark on an emotional odyssey through pain, faith, and transformation with Serena as she unveils the chapters of her life. From a childhood deeply intertwined with love for Jesus to navigating the upheaval of her parents' divorce and her father's battle with alcohol, Serena shares her struggles with acceptance and the isolating impact of her intense church involvement. The journey takes us through Serena's trials with trust, identity, the end of a significant relationship, and her relocation to Washington, unfolding a narrative of self-discovery and faith rebirth. The conversation delves into the strains of relationships, challenges in high school sports, and the turmoil of a long-distance relationship that brought personal struggles. Serena's unyielding faith in Jesus remains a constant, even when the gospel seemed insufficient. In the final chapters, we explore her encounters with love, loss, and healing, witnessing her transformation from pain and anger to joy and love, a testament to the potent combination of faith and resilience in the face of adversity. Tune in to this inspiring journey of faith, resilience, and transformation.
View more resources on our website
Timestamps:
10:04 - Losing Innocence and Finding Strength
17:44 - Divorce and High School Sports Struggles
35:52 - Struggles With Trust and Identity
42:01 - Dating, Summer Camp, and Long Distance
48:05 - Strained Relationships and Personal Struggles
1:02:10 - A Journey of Self-Discovery and Faith
1:15:16 - Journey of Love, Loss, and Healing
1:26:46 - Pain, Worship, and Loss
1:33:28 - Discovering Unconditional Love and Freedom
1:47:56 - Reconciliation and Freedom With Father
2:07:52 - Gratitude and Farewell in Podcast Conversation
Keywords: Faith, Transformation, Resilience, Relationships, Self-discovery, Healing, Love, Adversity, Acceptance.
Are we starting the podcast now? We've been on the podcast, my brother Yo. Welcome to the Death of Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and we are back maybe from our one week hiatus Christmas break with a new episode for you today, and today's guest is my friend, serena, my sister Serena and I got to know Serena when she was dating a kid I coached at Union College named Reagan, and they had this long distance relationship and she would come down to Lincoln and I got to know her in a way where we were acquaintances. But through the last, I don't know, half a year, I've got to know her so much more and we have the same spirit. She is my sister and this story is at times, heartbreaking. There's a lot of pain in the story but at the same time, please hang on till the end, because this is from death to life. There is life, there is abundant life. There is a testimony of God revealing his love in a way that could not be ignored. So this is another one of those episodes that is just a beautiful testimony of God's love. So I'm really excited that you get to hear it. I was just blessed to interview Serena. I hope this finds you at the beginning of a wonderful new year of 2021. And just be blessed.
Speaker 3:All aboard, buckle up man off, let's go Did you know, richard, that you're about to do the podcast. I know your going to get it from me.
Speaker 4:What do you do in your life? I hear something that you shoot for me. Oh my God.
Speaker 5:What is it? Don't relax. Oh my god, this the life I was made for. We do it major. We do it major On my soldier's place that's paid for. Oh my god, this the life I was made for. We do it major. We do it major. Put off the chains, we bounce it's up for the night. Look out, god, give me life, no cloud. This for the lost.
Speaker 6:I grew up in a beautiful Christian home with two beautiful parents that did everything they could to give me the best childhood possible. You know they didn't have amazing jobs with great incomes but you know I grew up on 40 acres horses, cats, awesome dog right. So I grew up you know the whole Cowboys and Indians in the back 40. That was my childhood. My sister and I would run out the door and we wouldn't come back for hours because we were back in the creek making a teepee and it was just a very beautiful childhood in a very young age. And I remember this night it's so crazy but I know everybody freaks out over the chosen and how awesome the chosen is. But before the chosen there were videos about Jesus and I'm sure you've seen them, but it was. There were the Matthew videos and there were yeah, there were the Axe videos and we had them on VHS, right Like we'd have to rewind them.
Speaker 1:We had them on.
Speaker 6:VHS and then DVD came out, which was really cool. But I used to watch the Matthew videos and for people that are listening that don't know the mat, I 100% recommend them because it's word for word from the Bible and at the little bottom of the corner it always showed the chapter of Matthew. It was in the verse and I remember I was only like five or six and I would rewind and rewatch the scene when John the Baptist baptizes Jesus and he comes out of the water and it's so beautiful and the Holy Spirit descends on him like a dove. And I remember saying to my dad one night like I was sitting in his lap. I was daddy's little girl always and I was like I want that to happen to me. And so I grew up having this massive love for Jesus like deep in my heart, knowing from basically from those movies as a child I love him and there's like this scene at the end where he's walking after he's been raised from the dead and he walks and he kind of turns around and he smiles and he like points at the camera and I used to cry, like I can't wait to see Jesus, like I want to walk with him, and it was beautiful, like I would be the little girl who I always had devotions in the morning. And I remember one year I was trying to read the Bible in a year and I got stuck in Lovetticus and I just couldn't make it. Who does it get stuck there? It's a great Bible, it's a great chapter. But yeah, so I just I love Jesus and I even was like the. It was in the most innocence. But it's what started making me realize that I was kind of different is I would beg my parents to get to church early so that I could be like the first one to Sabbath school, which was just like my favorite time of the week because I loved the singing, I loved the table time and no one else really loved being involved. But I was getting into the like early teen years where I really wanted to be involved and I really wanted to like do something for Jesus and my peers, though, were like I remember the looks that they would give me, or I would hear things said about me like she's such a goody-to-shoe, like I'll never forget hearing that one day under a friend of mine's voice, and I was like 12 or 13. I didn't even know what that meant. I was like what are they talking about? Because I was like wanting to sing up front, and, as time went on and I was going to a private school and we were getting to like the middle grades of like fifth, sixth, seventh grade girls were becoming mean. And yeah, and I'll never forget one day, like some girls were like we should go around in a circle and say what's wrong with someone else in the circle. And they went around the circle, and every one of them didn't say something wrong about anybody else, but they also said something wrong about me and they basically had like planned this and yeah, I was like very detrimental to me and so.
Speaker 2:What were they? Saying Not to bring up like what is wrong with you?
Speaker 6:No, it's okay, but it was just they were like you try to act good all the time. You put on a face. You want the teachers to like you. And it was tough for me because anyone who knows me right now knows that I'm a very relational person, I love relationship, and so it was weird to me because I've always I've always just been friends with people, even my friends, parents and stuff like that and so as that started happening, I started like distrusting like a lot of people, and so I think that's when I started losing like, where I realized like I started losing my innocence and thinking that the world was a beautiful place in my eyes, because I had always seen the world as something so beautiful and I was always so happy and cheerful. And I remember when I was really little, I loved singing all the time and I would want to put on place for my parents. And it was just, I was always so innocent, you know, I was like the barefoot running in the grass, running through the stream kind of little girl. So now I'm in this school where it's cutthroat and really I can say, basically in my life the predictable turned into the unpredictable, because about a year after that had happened, I was in the seventh grade and my parents split and I did not see it coming, and so I'll never forget it because my mom worked at the school that I was going to school at and I got out of school where I went to flute practice because I played the flute, I killed it on the flute for six years like all sweet girls. All sweet girls play the flute, oh yeah and I remember I walked into her classroom after practice and she was just sobbing because we had left home that morning and I mean, everything was fine. I walked into the classroom and she was sobbing and she shared some information with me about my dad and I just remember, I remember this like shock of literally, when people say they feel like they've like smacked into a wall, truly that's when, like the predictable turned into the unpredictable, because my sister and I had to go to a family friend's house and we were there all night and my dad was gone for about a month and we didn't see him. And you know, I want to tell this story in a way that preserves who he is and who his character is, because he's such a good person and so I will always honor my father and my mother. But he had an addiction to alcohol and so a month went by.
Speaker 2:It was right before Christmas you had no idea that this was happening nope, not at all that you had this thing nope.
Speaker 6:And so Christmas time came around and my parents decided to try and work it out. So for about a year between like that Christmas of my seventh grade year to into my eighth grade year, my parents tried to work it out. But within that like year and a half I was miserable, like I became very resentful in my heart. I started picking up on anything and everything and what's interesting now is I'm a very observant person where I can walk into a room and I can read the energy. I can read people without like. I used to nanny for families and I always knew what was going on. I always knew if the parents were in a disagreement, like it got very interesting because I then started growing up in a home for about a year and a half where constant fighting constant, where my dad would come home intoxicated, my mom would be upset, and then I have a little sister who's three years younger than me and so I constantly was like trying to just protect my sister from knowing and she never, I don't think, really knew for that year and a half. So I did the job that I wanted to do and I protected her from that. But the whole time I mean what I'm like 12, 13 years old and I'm hearing my parents scream at each other and I'm having my dad come home with alcohol in his breath and I'm scared because he's acting different and he wasn't nice, he was very angry, and so then I started seeing like these, this angry side of a person that I had always looked up to, like the daddy who would like sent me on his lap by the fire early in the mornings and read me the Bible and take me on camping trips and take me on horse rides and all these different things. So my father, who I thought I knew, became this person who I was actually scared of. I was very scared of him and I remember I'd call my mom sometimes and I would back her to come home because I needed her to be home before my dad came home and he never did anything to me but it was just the behavior and the anger I had never seen anything like it and the screaming at my mom. So right before my graduation of eighth grade year is when an event happened at home one day and we left the house very quickly and I'll never forget, like my mom pulling away in the car and I saw my dad like standing in the driveway like watching us leave because he was begging us not to. And I remember feeling guilt but feeling so happy that my mom finally chose to leave. And that was really hard for me because I had spent the last year crying in my closet all the time and being in so much pain. No one ever knew to now being happy that my mom was leaving my dad and I felt very guilty for that. So parents got divorced Mom, me and my sister. We moved more into town, my sister and I, my dad, had us like every other weekend and pretty much from then. And then my freshman year, my sophomore year, my junior year, I hated my dad Like I don't use that word, but old Serena hated him Because it takes two to tango. You know what I mean and I never play. I'm not going to place blame. It wasn't my marriage, but I knew that he didn't get help for the things that he said he would get help for and because of that I hated him. Because of the way he allowed our family to be broken. Oh no. So that's like what's? That's, what was tough is because then, like he and my sister would be super excited to come pick me up from school and spend the weekend with me, and I was miserable, like I hated it. I would cry sometimes on the weekends, like when I knew the weekend was coming up, to go with him, because I didn't trust him, like I did not trust him at all in any way, and then it was like causing pain between me and my sister because we went from being close to then. She was angry at my mom for leaving, but she didn't know why mom left, but I knew exactly why she left. So she's angry at my mom, I'm angry at my dad. So our relationship is breaking apart and I shut down and I'm miserable whenever I'm with them and it breaks my heart to look back because my dad loves me so much and he he would, he literally was spoiling me so much, like he wouldn't want to buy me anything. He would take me to take us out to dinner, like to whatever restaurant we would want to go to, like basically I mean buying us, you know. I mean because he just wanted us to know we were loved and I I would not have it Like I remember. We would go out to eat and I would just sit there in silence. I wouldn't talk. My parents tried to make me go to counseling and I went to one session and I refused to go back Because I was like not talking about this.
Speaker 2:Why, why? What was the reason that you don't want to talk about it?
Speaker 6:That sounds like a stupid question, but no, it's so valid because I know I can't be the only one who went through this as like a child of divorce, and I think what's really wrong is nowadays it just seems like divorce is kind of a thing like oh yeah, my parents are divorced too. But there's just like this like mutually unspoken, like we both went through pain and for me, being an older, like being the oldest sibling and feeling like I had to protect my sister. I then saw the unpredictable with my dad, so I stopped opening up there. But then I remember like hearing my mom sob at night when we like moved out of the house and I just I was so observant, I always knew and so I became like the protector, like I'm going to be strong for my mom and I'm going to be strong for my sister and I'll take care of me eventually. And it basically no joke was me crying in a closet all the time, like it was usually like at night. And when finally I knew like no one would come in, I would so funny, it's not, but I would play on my Walkman. I had a Walkman with a CD, was a casting crown CD in the song praise you in the storm. I would put my headphones on and I just remember. I would sob to that song over and, over and over again.
Speaker 2:And you didn't want to talk about it because you were.
Speaker 6:Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry.
Speaker 2:Tech. You were protecting that. You felt like your role was to be tough right now to keep, and so you can't talk about it. Because? Then tell me.
Speaker 6:I just remember thinking I don't need this and I remember thinking my sister needs this because she's really torn up about this. But I was dealing with more guilt because I wanted my parents divorced. As much as I loved my family for who he used to be, I needed the divorce to happen because we were so miserable in a home. Like I didn't want to be scared anymore. I didn't want to see the fear in my mom's eyes and I remember sitting in that one counseling session and the ladies like trying to talk to me and I just remember I felt like she was babying me and she said remember her asking me why are like, why are you talking? and I said to her because I don't need to talk. And she said to me you know, serena, my my parents got divorced around the time yours did, and unfortunately I didn't take care of it. And then around the age of 23. It all came out and it was a hot mess. She was like so it might be better to talk about it now so you don't have to deal with the repercussions later. I'll never forget her saying that and I remember thinking that will never happen to me and I walked out. I told my mom I'm never going back and I didn't used to be a defiant child, like I was always very respectful, and I remember telling her I'm not going back, like that was stupid. And she didn't make me, which I really appreciate.
Speaker 2:So when you're listening to that song, what did the lyrics, what did it all mean to you? Like where the lyrics real of praise you in the storm.
Speaker 6:Yeah, for me at the time they were Like and I'll praise you in the storm and I will have my hands. For you are who you are, no matter where I am. Like I remember just sitting there in that song was what like continued to confirm to me like Jesus is here, no matter what.
Speaker 2:And that gave you some peace or did just help you in that gave me a release.
Speaker 6:It gave me a release because that was the only way I could find comfort, because, unfortunately, all of my mom's close friends their their daughters were the ones who I started noticing were the ones that weren't your friends. So, while my mom was getting comfort from her friends and we were going to these homes where I had friends and never really opened up to them either because I didn't trust them. So I went into high school. Unfortunately, then, dealing with all this, no one really knowing and having a talent for basketball and it was a talent that I didn't really know about until about when I went into high school, I had a seventh grade teacher who told me hey, you need to start playing basketball because you're good and I hated sports, like up until seventh grade, like I wasn't really into sports, I was more of like a horse girl. And so, because he said that, I started kind of shooting hoop once, once in a while and I got really good at all the sports, like I just started noticing I was really good at flag football and I was really good at baseball and I started playing all the sports. So then high school came around and I tried out for the team and at that point we didn't have a varsity and a JV. So I tried out for the team and I made it and I mean we were not D1 by any means, you know what I mean. Like we were, we were in Academy, but Andrews Academy had always been known for having a really good basketball team guys and girls. So I was really excited. Like I made the team and there's just little things that like came into my head and they stuck. That hurt and I'll never forget. Like they posted the tryouts and I remember a couple of other girls have tried out that were also freshman and a couple of them made it and I remember they were like really excited and I remember standing there with them and I was like this is awesome, like are you so excited? And they turned to me and gave me a really nasty look and they were like what are you so excited about? Of course you made the team and like I shut down, like I was like oh, like am I not supposed to be excited? So then little things started happening like that Like the coach wanted me starting on the team as a freshman and I had a couple of girls like start talking behind my back about that and like saying I was like a coach's favorite and all these different things. When, in my head, though, I was like but I've been practicing for this because someone told me to like, I've been preparing like this isn't just something I did. And so as that started happening, like I said, I just I was kind of a tomboy and like a lot of the dudes played sports, so then I was like I would want to play ball with them after school and I would play flag football, intramurals and stuff like that, and around my it was my sophomore year I had a girl I thought was my friend was so weird. We were in class one day we had like a substitute teacher. The actual teacher wasn't there and she was like hey, like we go talk. And I was like sure, and she like took me into the library of the school and basically sat me down. And I was very innocent, richard, like I had never like hugged a boy romantically, I'd never kissed a boy. And she sat me down and she was like I just need you to know like you're acting like a slut and used those words.
Speaker 2:Hold up. A substitute teacher said this to you.
Speaker 6:No, no, sorry, a friend like took me out of class like was teaching.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, sorry Okay. Okay, okay, okay, still not cool.
Speaker 6:So that's how we were able to leave class. So she like took me out of class. It was very random and I felt so betrayed because she had like been a friend of mine and I had no idea. To be honest with you, like I was so innocent, richard, I really didn't even know what that word meant, I just knew it wasn't good. Right. And she was like you love playing sports with the boys. And she was saying all this stuff and I was like, yeah, but that's how I get better. Like in my head I just knew these like little things, like of course I play with the boys because they're really good and that's how I'm going to get better. So like that happened. Another really painful thing happened that year on a basketball tournament. Like a girl on my team started a rumor about me with one of my guy friends. That wasn't true and it was extremely embarrassing because the coaches found out and the coaches didn't believe it and they knew it was a lie. So then I remember one night during this tournament we had, like I had to go into this game knowing everyone was talking about me and knowing the coaches like we're going to make this person apologize to me, but like I was about to play a game with her and it started this very and it's going to come back around, right, but it started this self preservation, self protection. I don't trust anybody. I need to be perfect Because what is happening? And then I start distrusting my mom because she started dating someone at a distance and so in between my sophomore and junior year that summer my mom leaves for the summer to go spend some time with this guy that she's dating, and I could have turned into a really bad kid, like my parents are lucky that I'm I'm like, so good. But she left. My sister went to live with my dad and I refused to live with my dad, so my mom basically hired this gal that we knew to live with me for the summer and I was working full time and basically on the weekends I was going about an hour and a half north of where I lived to stay with my aunt and uncle and my cousins, because that is where I felt happy and whole. And what's interesting is when I look back, as I was, I became so close with my aunt and uncle and it's because at the time I'm like I was just going to visit them, but my aunt and uncle love each other so much and they have a beautiful marriage and they have a fun home. And I felt like my, my cousins were my brothers and so I would go up there, I think, to just get around the wholesome love of a happy family that's together. And unfortunately, during that summer is when I started allowing guys to fill the hole. So I went from You're beautiful, not understanding. Yeah, like you know, when Reagan liked me, I was like I don't even know, like what that even means. And then I went that summer where, like boys would show me attention and I was like subconsciously, oh, that feels good. Yeah. So then I started dating someone for a while and I just remember I loved dating him because his parents were absolutely amazing and I remember I just loved being in their home because it was happy and they were so in love and I think I loved being in the relationship so much because I love his parents.
Speaker 2:Hmm, that's interesting.
Speaker 6:And what's funny is they were non denominational and so I would start going to church with them on Sundays. And so, as mid through my junior year, I went to this church service with them and the pastor spoke on forgiveness and I cried Through that message and from that day, I had made the decision that I have forgiven my dad and I started spending time with my dad. Hmm, woo, like, we're riding horses together again and I'm enjoying it, and we're going skiing together and we're doing all the activities. And probably in my dad's mind he has probably no idea what switched, but he's probably just really happy because he loves me so much. He loves me so much and unfortunately we have just never had a discussion about what had happened, because he had always been in denial about his actions. So I never even brought it up because I knew he'd deny it and put blame elsewhere. So I was like you know what? We're just not going to talk about it and everything is all good and I forgiven my dad, and so that was good. But looking back to old Serena and new Serena now is I had said I had forgiven him, but the walls were still there, like I forgave him but I would never forget.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're not going to get fooled again.
Speaker 6:Not going to get fooled again. Nobody's going to fool me again. Like, got to college, I didn't trust anybody, like even the gals who would think like oh my gosh, we were so close with Serena but I didn't trust them. And so then what happened is I got to college and the guy that I was dating at the time Really like it was it really Again just caused another, yeah, just laying more bricks. But we had been dating for like two years and then I found out that he had been in communication with other girls and that was really painful Because, again, I had such desire and, like I love so hard and I am such a relational person and I am very loyal, like I'm very loyal. So as soon as that happened and I started finding out all of these things, like Richard, it was like something just like snapped after that and I didn't care anymore. I didn't care. I was like. People can say whatever they want to say about me, it doesn't matter. So guess what I'm going to drink because it's fun for me. I'm going to go out and have a good time because it's fun for me. Thank you. And it was at the beginning of my freshman year when all of that went down and we kind of broke up and I was just it's sad, like I look back and I was just this little girl who was in so much pain and had no idea what to do, like she didn't know who to trust and so she didn't trust anybody. But what's so crazy is I loved Jesus through all of this Like. Through all of this, I still like loved going to church and I still loved, like having a devotional in the morning. You know, like you read the two page devotionals and I was like, but I still love him, I did. How did? He was.
Speaker 2:Was it compartmentalized then? Was he in over here? Yep, and what you're doing over here and what you're doing over here they don't really meet Is that kind of how you had to live it.
Speaker 6:Yeah, like I know you exist, god, but obviously the relationship I have with you doesn't help me. Hmm. And that was never caught, like I never thought that, but I know that's what I believed is like you're righteous, you're good. You're holy. I love you a lot, but whether I know you or whether I don't, life still sucks. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I have. Maybe I've mentioned this on the podcast before, but I have this title for a sermon that I've not written yet. I just have the title and it's called one. The it's called, when the gospel isn't good enough. And it's about that exact situation when we don't know how good it is. It isn't good enough. It's just this thing that's over here. And not only is it not good enough to change our lives, it's now actually making us feel guilty when we're kind of just want to live and get away from the hurt and the pain. Or we see, you know, we get fooled by other people and they we see their lives and it seems like they're having a good time and they don't. They're not dealing with the stuff that we're dealing with. And so at that point, the gospel because we don't understand it correctly is not good enough. Does that make sense Exactly. I'm going to have to write that sermon one day and obviously at the end of the sermon we'll we'll have to preach that bug out, and there might be some good news in it.
Speaker 6:I mean, there's good gospel in it because it's so simple because I never knew intimacy with my father, like I didn't allow myself to have the intimacy and instead I was just allowing myself to get affirmation from other people and get affirmation Like I was very well aware that and I know it sounds silly, but in my head, unfortunately, like the world and and guys really damage young girls characters of themselves when they see us for who we are physically, because as high school as I like as high school went on like I remember hearing one day like, oh yeah, so like the guys were like raiding us girls and they would like give us numbers and so, like, as I got older than I start, I was like you know, I just guys were something to give us attention and if they liked me then that's a good thing, because that means that they, like you know, raided me Right. Yeah. And so that happened.
Speaker 2:So awful. That's so awful Because then you're a rating Like yeah, like I'll know how you raided.
Speaker 6:Yeah, exactly. And I remember someone saying like oh yeah, like Serena, like you didn't get any, you didn't get raided, but so and so gave your legs a 10. And I was like a junior at that time and I was like what does that even mean? But it was because I was really tall and I didn't know that they like apparently like thought I don't even know. But that is when I went to public school to try and escape, like, the pain. That's where public schools came swinging in. So I went to public school for a year and I like had two friends and it was awesome because it was basically a self preservation, self perfection thing where I got out of the school that had really painful experiences and I got to a school where no one had to know me. No one really did so. Then college came around and you know it's so funny, huge part of my story and it is dating Reagan, who we started off this podcast with because Reagan came back into my life towards the end of my freshman year and we had been, you know, shooting the messages like he slid into the DMs over Facebook one time and, yeah, he really shot a shot, was very bold told me he was interested in me and I was like, oh yeah, I remember this kid and I looked at his Facebook profile for two seconds and I saw he was still playing basketball and I was like, yeah, he's cute. So we started talking on the phone.
Speaker 2:Is he older than you?
Speaker 6:I am six months older than him.
Speaker 2:Okay, keep going on with your story, because I'm trying to add something up, trying to figure out when I met you.
Speaker 6:That's okay, so you met me 2014. Okay. So we started working in a summer camp together in Minnesota, and that's when we started dating.
Speaker 2:You weren't dating before that. You just both decided to go to this summer camp north star.
Speaker 6:Yeah, it's really funny. It was like this thing I had with God, because I had started almost wilding out before Reagan and then God was still always there in the back of my mind and I was like you know what, god, I think a really good thing for me is to go work at a summer camp, because as a little girl, I love summer camp because that's where Jesus was and it was a very peaceful time for me, so maybe I should go work at summer camp. And Reagan was like, hey, I've been thinking about working in a summer camp and I had already applied to like five. And he was like we should both apply to the ones all my friends are going to. And I was like okay, and basically what I had told God is. I was like, well, if you get me a job at this camp, then do you want me to date Reagan? And I was like if we both get a job at this camp, I'll date him. And it was because, we were. Yeah, I don't know if even God said deal, because I did not know his voice at that point, but we had applied like way past the deadline for applications. That's what was funny. And so we both got jobs and we both spent the summer in Minnesota together.
Speaker 2:And there was a lot of homies working at the camp that summer.
Speaker 6:So many homies.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but I think Nicholas was there, tyler was there, oh yeah, 2014.
Speaker 6:Brent was there. Like I literally can't even name all the people that were there because there were so many.
Speaker 2:Yeah, this was my second. Okay, so keep going. You're working at the camp. Yeah, you and Reagan start.
Speaker 6:We're working at camp and then we end up dating for like three and a half, four years. We date all the way through college, but long distance. So he's going to school in Nebraska, I'm going to school in Michigan and the purpose of that was my degree was not in Nebraska and his degree was not in Michigan. So we're like we're going to make it work and unfortunately it was really to my benefit because it was at the expense of me not spending like summers and holidays with my family. So, as home life wasn't great. Like I hated having divorced parents because I love the holidays, so I did not like the whole splitting of everything. So basically, what started happening is it was awesome because I just started going to Reagan's family for every holiday and it was great because, again, parents that love each other it's a whole family together, like he's got siblings. And it was my ideal situation to have an excuse to leave Michigan whenever I can Because my mom had gotten remarried at that point. I loved my dad, but it was at a stiff arm length Like I love you, but I don't want to spend a lot of time with you. Like my dad always gave him like little bits of time with me and we had to be doing something because I you know, looking back now, old Serena did not want relationship. I just gave him activity and it was always activity where we couldn't talk a lot. So when we would go horseback riding, his horse was always kind of walking in front of my horse so I can enjoy nature, and like we were always a little bit apart, to the point where we couldn't just like have good conversation or like skiing, we'd be on the chair lift together for, like you know, just a couple of minutes. But then when we would go down and have to talk to him, you know, I got my, got my snowboard, you go ahead, dad, I'm a strap in. Like we were always doing activities that were separate. My mom got remarried and unfortunately it just it, like it allowed it to damage my heart even more because this guy that she married at first I thought he was amazing, like we got along super well. He was, he had a really good sense of humor and like. So our humor just like really hit it off. And about a year into that marriage, again the predictable became the unpredictable in the home that I was living in and it turned to a home of verbal, spiritual, physical, domestic violent situation.
Speaker 2:Oh mercy.
Speaker 6:Not towards me at the beginning, but towards my mom, and that was about my freshman year of college when my boyfriend at the time really hurt me and that's when it started happening and that's when I was like screw it, because for about six months I did, I was just like I'm done. So all of that started happening and I was leaving in the summers. It was great because Reagan and I would go work at a summer camp or there was one summer I stayed with his family and they were very gracious. They gave me like a guest room and a bathroom and unfortunately, I was in so much pain. I was in so much pain and no one ever knew. And really not even Reagan.
Speaker 2:Yeah, were you letting him like what he thought about you was now giving you your value now.
Speaker 6:Oh yeah, yep, and it became very, very dangerous because I was in pain, so then I expected him to be able to like feel it.
Speaker 2:You wouldn't have said that. Nobody knows that like out loud front of their brain. Like you need to step up to bat here and make me feel better because, like, my life is crazy difficult and I'm low-key, hating myself and hating everything, and so if you don't step up to the plate here, we're probably going to have problems. Nobody says that.
Speaker 6:No, but we live it, we live it.
Speaker 2:when we don't understand fullness and abundance, we're still searching. Yeah. So you're getting to the end, and here's the funny thing.
Speaker 6:It's like Reagan was just a fun guy. You know, he was so fun and I was so fun. So that's why we dated for so long is because we had so much fun and in the beginning it was great because nothing was really that serious. I mean, we knew we were serious from the beginning, because who dates long distance, nine hours one way we did. But we would see each other at least once a month and then I like was having so much fun because I was here's the thing. I was go, go, go. I was constantly going and what's crazy is I was getting really good grades so I was putting tons of energy into my degree but at any chance I was on the go like oh, I can go to Lincoln, here I go. Oh, I don't have to be home for Thanksgiving, here I go. I'm going to be gone for the summer, here I go. And it was like escape, escape, escape, escape, escape, escape. Like you know, finding Nemo, that was me all the time Gone. But then I would go with Reagan where subconsciously, I would like expect him to just make me happy, and I remember a few times like trying to share with him like a little bit of what's going on and he had no like he. I remember he didn't respond to it and I just remember thinking there's no use in sharing this because he doesn't care. And I remember the summer that I went to live with his family. Unfortunately, like I have so many good memories, but I remember crying myself to sleep, like pretty much every night that whole summer. Why. Because I had, yeah, like I had just left a home, like before, that the violence that was taking place in the home that I was living in was destroying me on the inside, and like I've had experiences happen to me where I just had this thought with God the other day I was like, why am I so strong? Because something happened last week and my whole family was just like emotionally destroyed and I just was very like flat affect and I was always so strong. And so I got to Washington to live for the summer and I put on a face for that family too, like I couldn't let his parents know what was going on because I just didn't want them to, because I didn't want them to pity me. And Reagan knew what was going on but he had basically emotionally cut himself off from me at that point. And so that summer was good because we had a lot of fun, but he knew I was in pain, but he didn't want to talk about it Because I had been through some trauma. It was bad. I had had to run from the house. At one point I had a gun pointed at me. There were things that took place that no one should ever have to go through. No one should ever see their mom spit on or grabbed or screamed at and no one knew. And so I was living a double life. And I remember at one point thinking I remember in sixth grade someone told me that I was too faced and I was like maybe I am and I was happy to everybody else. But nobody knew.
Speaker 2:So you're, you're dating Reagan, you're going escaping whenever you can, getting through the years, getting through the summers Um, we're what, what. What started to change, or what did change?
Speaker 6:Like what started to change is I got home that summer from Washington and basically had I had no relationship with my mom because I was very upset that she wasn't leaving and I had done a lot of research when it comes to domestic violence and they don't leave, and so I was living in an apartment with a roommate that I didn't know. We had just like decided to live together and I had just started graduate school for my degree I'm a speech pathologist and it's a pretty intense master's program. Reagan went back to Nebraska, I was in Michigan and I remember that was what started depression. I had not hit depression yet and I didn't even think I was depressed, but I was Like I remember sometimes in the mornings my roommate would go to class and come back because I wasn't in class yet and I would just be like sitting there kind of in the dark, like eating breakfast and I just like had like a show playing on my computer, which was so not me, but I was just like watching a show, you know, like numbing my mind, and I had a lot of verbal abuse coming via email and text from the guy that my mom was married to at the time. That I wasn't really telling anybody. So then I just started like blocking a lot of the messages and I was just in so much pain. But I remember at the very beginning of grad school I had a friend tell me that she always made sure to get up early and have a little bit of time with God and I was like maybe I should start doing that. So I did, and I started having time with God and first year of grad school is really tough and I was working out a ton. And I look back now and I just was so skinny and I was. I was at the point of just depression where I would sleep all the time Like if I wasn't really studying, I was sleeping or I was working out, and then basically on the weekends, I would like drink with some friends. And it wasn't like crazy, like get drunk drinking, it was just like sure, like. I didn't care anymore. I had. I had no values. I had no values in my life and at that point Reagan was so intensely applying to medical school and he was planning his future and what used to be very happy became very stressful, because once I got to grad school, long distance was not good because I had so much on my plate and we had had like plans. What was funny is like our whole relationship we always just kind of like knew and I'm putting in quotations because we're not but we knew we were going to be married. Quotations right, I'm not married, but we knew we're going to get married. So it was almost like we're just going to push through. All of this crap is kind of like what we both kept saying, and I mean long story short. We ended up breaking up because what I was going through and then he no longer really having plans for his future, like cause we always said we'll get married, like when you start getting into medical school, and he started second guessing like all of it, and he didn't get into medical medical school his first round and so at that point he was like I'm not marrying anyone If I can't even like plan a future. So basically, from there he just started doing his own thing, I started doing his own, my own thing, and we got to a point where we really weren't even like talking that much and we were technically dating. And this is the most beautiful part of my story though that starts is, I remember, dang. It was so close. We were like two months from not being long distance anymore. I was going to move out to Washington. I got all my clinical rotations in Washington state and we were two months before I was going to move out there where he was. And I had this nasty, sick feeling inside. One day and I went to a professor who was just a very good mentor of mine and I said I think I think God needs me to break up with Reagan and she was like no, no, no, no, no, no. She was like you are at a very stressful point in grad school because we were about to take our state boards, all this stuff. She was like don't make that kind of decision under the stress that you're under. But it was the first time I felt it so strongly and I felt it so clearly and I drove home that night and I sobbed the whole way because I knew what I was about to do and it's interesting, you know, like God shuts the mouth of the lions and the lion's done. We got on the phone that night. I basically proposed breaking up and he didn't say a word and I was like there it is. So we got off the phone and I remember being in so much pain because it was like four years of so much like love and everything, and I was in so much pain but I was at so much peace, richard, it was insane. I was at so much peace and from there I spent time with God more intentionally and I was like I trust you now, like I kind of trusted you before, but I listened and it worked and even though I was in pain, it was crazy like how quick I like I'll put in quotations rebounded from this relationship, because I thought it was going to take months and it may be was a few weeks, and I almost felt guilty because I was like why do I feel so good? And then I was like well, because I listened to you.
Speaker 2:It's also. You were breaking up for a long time before you broke up. Oh for sure you were drifting apart for six months. And so then, like you were dating officially, but you were, you were going apart.
Speaker 6:And yeah, like I said, we were sometimes not even talking for a couple days and I was like what is this what year was that? That was the end of 2017. So this is where it gets so good, because God is so good, I'm excited. Serena still had. Like old Serena still has a lot of those like codependent tendencies, Not kind of she does like ulcer in it, Like the codependent C was like very strong and so I'm in communication. You know the guy, and nothing serious but it was just like it was again filling what I needed it to fill, but not realizing that's what I was doing. Like I'm, like I'm so intentional about this, like I do care about people, but I look back and I'm like, wow, like you totally hurt that person because you thought you were for real. And so, as that starts happening, though, then I move out to Washington. I had to. I got all my clinical rotations out there, so I it was. It was honestly the worst feeling in the world, because I was very frustrated with God. I was like I did what you told me to do, and now I'm driving across the stinking country to live in a state where I know absolutely no one, right, well, I know one person, but we are not together anymore. So I'm moving across the country thinking that I was going to like move and eventually like get married in the next year and like all this stuff. And now I'm moving across the country Like I'm driving a pickup truck loaded down with all my stuff and I move in with this very sweet lady from a church, let me live in like her spare bedroom, and I'm in this state like what the heck? But for the first time I got really positive. Like I was there for a week and I'm super into like hiking and skiing and backpacking and I'm like, oh, I can get down with this. So basically what happens is for the six months that I live in Washington state, I come alive. I cut off all toxicity from old habits, from old friends. God had to remove me to say Serena, be still and know that I am God. He took me from everything that I like the bad influences, like the attention, the codependence and the codependency and he set me down and he's like you and me, let's go. And I get out of work every day and I go hiking by myself and people are like, don't do it, it's not safe, blah, blah, blah, mountain lions and like, no, I'm going. So I'm like going hiking every day and I'm bringing this prayer journal that I have and I'm journaling all the time and I'm writing prayers to God and I remember like I would just be sobbing on a rock, sometimes like staring out, and I'm going to church by myself and I'm independent and I'm actually happy, though Like I'm not lonely, but I'm constantly begging God for forgiveness, begging him Look at everything I've done. I am so sorry. Why do you love me. Why are you giving me this chance? Please forgive me. So I live this amazing six months. I fall in love with Jesus. I go back to Michigan to graduate and my plan is to immediately go back to Forgiving, though. No, not in my house. So I go back to Michigan to graduate. My plan was I'm going back to Washington. That was the best six months ever. Like he had put people into my life like very strategically, like he's such a like a chess player, like I had met very specific families and people that ministered to me, richard, and it blew my mind. Like it blew my mind that people God had put into my life and they will forever, like I will never let them forget who they were to me, like I'll still call them up and like I tell them I get back to Michigan. I have a really fun three months because I take off three months before I start my like career. You know, I travel, I backpack in Colorado, I go to Europe. I have like a ton of fun. My mom gets a divorce from that guy. I come back to Michigan. I start applying to jobs out West and nothing's working out and I'm like what, what the heck? What my dream. Like I just want a snowboard every weekend, please. Michigan doesn't have that. And one morning I'm sitting there with God and I just had this thought I'm asking you know, I'm like God, I'm asking you to open a door. And then I have this thought wait, but I'm not giving you all the doors, all the options. So I applied a one job near where I live, and guess what? That's the one. Yep, I go and interview, I get in my car after the interview and I immediately start crying because I know it's what I need. It was like I knew I needed to take it, because God needed me to take it, and I was like, why it's not the job I wanted at all? Like I wanted to work with adults in a hospital, like I wanted the ICU, intensive care, like cute care. And I get a job in a preschool and I'm like what is happening? But I'm going to take it, god, because I trusted you. I've listened to you now several times and it's going really good. So I'm going to do it again. I get the job and my mom is like, why don't you just move in with me? And it was a beautiful opportunity for us to restore that relationship and it was really awesome. But I'm still confused as to why I'm in Michigan. Not an eye are hanging out, but not all the time. And then, basically, I'm pursuing Jesus. This is what I think I am pursuing Jesus, and I am growing closer and closer to him so that, like I remember being on my hands and knees some mornings and I don't even know why, but I would be asking for forgiveness for like things a long time ago and I was like, please, I beg you, just like forgive me, and I'd be crying. And then I get up and go to work and he started just planting little seeds in my mind of like you have a huge purpose in your life and I'm preparing you. Like he told me things that I've written down. Like you have a purpose that is much bigger than you and you are not going to be a speech pathologist forever.
Speaker 2:Mercy.
Speaker 6:And there were just things. He started like speaking to me. Okay, I was excited because for the first time in my life, I felt like I was being good. I'm being good.
Speaker 2:So, you have some value now, because you had been being good.
Speaker 6:Yeah, like I'm being good and I'm finally finding favor in your eyes and I know you've always loved me, but you've been really disappointed in me. I've been disappointed in me. And it was peaceful, though, like constantly in my head, be still and know that I am God, and I was like yeah, like I get it. I started getting healthier. Like I was eating and I was gaining a little bit of weight, which for some people like oh man, but like I was out of. I had been at a point where I look back at pictures and I was like oof, that girl was in a lot of pain, yeah. So I was in this really healthy spot and I had also gotten to this really beautiful spot where I had decided for 2019. It was like at the beginning of 2019, I decided like I'm not going to date anymore.
Speaker 2:Let's go back to 2018. Ask your questions, yeah. When you found out about what happened to Reagan, did that shake you at all. Yes.
Speaker 6:Was that 2018 or 2019?
Speaker 2:It's 2018, I think or maybe I'm off Was it 2019?
Speaker 6:I think you're off.
Speaker 2:Okay, you can have that, then you tell the story. I'll tell the story.
Speaker 6:Sorry. No so 2019. Go ahead. That's where I was going to bring it around. So 2019 comes around, beginning of 2019. I decide I'm not going to date anymore. And 2019 comes around. I'm not going to date because I'm snowballing confidence with God is basically what's happening. I am snowballing a ton of confidence and I had had a couple of guys good guys like Persumie and I was like no, and March 2019 rolls around and that is when Reagan dies in a car accident. Yeah, and between the point when we had broken up and then we were friends, and when we had broken up, we maintained the friendship. We were amazingly mature adults and we never burned bridges. We had had a long conversation together A month or so into me moving to Washington and we had so much respect for one another and we had so much love because we had been best friends for a long time. So Reagan dies in a car accident and it's painful. It's painful because he died and there was trauma and honestly can wholeheartedly say the person that I have loved the most in my life thus far and then like, at that point in my life was him, and it's no offense to anybody in my life, but he didn't really have a lot to compete with because at that point I loved my parents but like Reagan had had the love of he was just always good and he was always fun and we had had like we like loved having deep conversations and there were just things that like, like I talked about that I just knew that like we just like have this mutual respect and bond of friendship forever. Like we used to joke like oh yeah, like someday when we both have our kids, they'll probably go to the same academy and like play on the same basketball team. Like that was like kind of the joke, and so basically for the rest of that 2019. Unfortunately, I started the whole cycle again of nobody knows how much pain I'm in and I'm healthier this time and I have God. But unfortunately, a few months after Reagan had died, there was definitely a week where I definitely like had a dive and there was like definitely some depression, but I told myself I could bounce back from it. And I did, but it was so masked and I didn't tell anybody how I felt or what was going on, because I was afraid. I was afraid of judgment. I felt shame for how much I was grieving for someone who had died so unexpectedly. That because I had had a couple of people say to me why are you so sad? Like you guys weren't even dating anymore.
Speaker 2:Mercy.
Speaker 6:Like that had been said to me a couple of times and I knew it was wrong because I was like they just don't understand love then. But then I started masking and I was like that self preservation and perfection and the walls are up and I didn't even want to share it with, like my closest of friends, who are also his best friends. Like I didn't even want to call up Reagan and I as mutual friends to tell them what was going on, because I was like what if they judge me? What if they think I'm crazy? And so I lived like the whole rest of this year. Yes, pursuing like success goals. Yes, pursuing, like you know, doing well in my career. Yes, I had life going on and making memories and there was a lot of good stuff, but I was in so much pain and unfortunately, it makes it worse when you try to mask it. And unfortunately, it makes it worse when you're not only filled with so much love for a person, for who they were, because he was just absolutely amazing, but it's really bad when you also resent the person. Like not only did I love him so much, but I also resented him so much.
Speaker 2:Why did you resent him?
Speaker 6:Because, as his death brought about amazing, fun, laughable memories, I was like good for everybody else. They all, they all have like really fun memories with Reagan. I also have some really crappy memories with Reagan and things that he had said to me like issues in our relationship. Those memories were starting to come back and they were memories of me resenting him for things that he had done and like things that he had like hurt me and I was like he really hurt me. So why does he even deserve my pain? He doesn't deserve my pain.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you were wrapped up in a bunch of stuff.
Speaker 6:I really believed it. He didn't deserve it Because I was in so much pain without how amazing he was and everybody thinks he's so amazing and I'm like dang it, reagan, you are Like, you were so much fun. Everybody gets to remember that. But here I am remembering the things that you did to really hurt me, and here I am with memories of things that you had promised or things that you had said in the heat of the moment that really hurt and unfortunately, those were like attacking me and it was causing me to love a person and then I was hating him. And then I was mad at him for dying. I was like you're so stupid. You're so stupid for dying. I just had so much anger towards him Because I loved his family and I hated seeing his parents hurting and I was in a lot of communication with them and I had a lot of anger. Wow.
Speaker 2:So what happened after that?
Speaker 6:That was 2019, right so 2020. The best year of my life.
Speaker 2:A sentence that has never been spoken outside of someone who has received the truth over here. On the last day of 2020.
Speaker 6:Yeah, like when you asked to do this story on New Year's Eve of 2020, I knew it was the Holy Spirit. Because I had planned tonight to sit in my secret place In intimacy and look back on everything In my life and see that 2020. Was where all made sense. And see that 2020. Is my love story.
Speaker 2:Okay, now you have to tell us what happened.
Speaker 6:Beginning of 2020. I'm on fire for Jesus, like I am on fire. I don't know what's stirring inside of me, but the Godfiddance is real. And I had said that I wasn't going to date in 2019. I was like I didn't Look at me. Go Pride, it was pride. I didn't date, old codependence arena Didn't date. And so 2020 rolls around and I'm so confident. I'm like oh yeah, and what's pretty cool, though, is I'm like Jesus, there's something else you want me to know. I was literally like I think it was January 1st or January 2nd of 2020. And he was like yeah, and he says I want you to wear a ring. And I was like done so. I literally buy myself like a very cheap, not looking wedding ring, but I buy a ring to always run my ring finger. And I was like I'm yours, I am yours, this is so much fun. And within January of 2020, for some reason, the word humility comes to my mind and I say you know what, god? I think I need to be humbled and I pray for humility. I said I don't know why you need to humble me. Like I know I'm going places in life now and you've given me so much confidence and so much assurance. Like there are things that are happening in my life where I know, with the confidence of you, that they are going to happen, and I was pumped. But I also was like in order to be given a life bigger than myself, in order to pursue the purpose that you are speaking into me, in order to pursue laying down the pride of getting a master's degree in speech pathology, and knowing that now you're telling me I'm not going to do that forever, keep me humbled. And what's so interesting is, through all of this, though, I'm in a lot of pain, like January, february, march I am no joke Like I spend time with Jesus every morning, but I am going to like worship events at least twice a week, sometimes three times a week, like I would hear about like a worship night going on, or I would hear about a praise night, and I am there, like I am there because I'm in so much pain. I need to go to a space where we are singing to Jesus and there's a message being preached, because I need that to somehow make me feel better, because I was crying all the time, like it was and it was about Reagan, but honestly it was more so just me suppressing the self preservation. My friend Morgan calls it the pink sparkly bubble. That was me, the pink, sparkly bubble of self preservation. I was living in it. But then I would go to these worship events, you know, and the lights are a little bit dimmed and the music's beautiful and I would cry like all. I would cry through the whole worship and I would sing and I would love Jesus and I would praise and I would just be like I am in so much pain, like take this away from me, please, take it. Like take it. And he was not like in quotations, like he was not taking the pain away. And what started happening is it started? It almost? Like it started growing in my body to the point where my body would kind of hurt all the time, like I was always just kind of tense. And March rolls around, march 2020 will never forget it, right? Covid hits and I'm humbled because the weekend that COVID hits, my job tells me you're going to work from home and that very next day, the home I'm living in catches fire Via my neighbor's kitchen, and so me and my mom Basically have to like salvage all of our stuff, and a lot of it was. It was okay because the other lady stuff with more destroyed. But we have to move out and I have to move in with my dad and I was not happy, richard, like it was a. It was a little brat, to be honest with you to myself, like only me, and God know what kind of brat I was. But I was very unhappy Because I said I would never live there again and within that same exact week, my dad breaks his leg skiing and I have to take him to the ER. It was a huge part of all of this because I was boiling at that point with irritability and anger towards everything in my life, stemming from the grief that I'm going through, stemming from the house burning, stemming from things finally being peaceful and also my dad getting an injury and needing me to help him. Like it was just the most annoying thing, like I don't want to be at this hospital with you Because of other things that have happened in the past where he's injured himself due to being intoxicated. I just didn't even ask him, I didn't even give him the chance, I just was like he's probably intoxicated. I was not happy and all he wants is he's sitting there and he's trying to hold my hand as we're in the yard and, like I don't even look at it. I'm living with him and now we're in COVID where I have to work from home and my dad has this broken leg where he can't do anything. But yeah, we have chickens to take care of and we have horses to take care of and we have hay and we we heat the home with a wood stove. So who has to go get wood? Me, like I became the spoiled little brat who moved in with her dad and I was like Serena, can you, can you make me a coffee? Serena, can you come go get the eggs? Serena, can you feed the horses? Like I was so irritated and I was like, why is this happening? And the day that Reagan died is like approaching, and as it's approaching, I'm literally just trying to like not remember the date, but it's inevitable to like I cannot, and so like, as this day is coming, like I'm just more and more angry, more and more angry at my dad, more and more angry at Reagan, more and more. Just, it was bad. And I remember going on a hike and I just screamed Like I like reached the top of this, like really like I had hiked the crap out of the sand dune and if anybody hikes in sand dunes, like it is intense and I did it to the point of exhaustion. And I got to the top and I just like screamed because I was literally at the point of pain where I just needed a release. And the day that he died rolls around and I was like this sucks. And a few days later I randomly decide to call a friend on his birthday. Super random. I've never called this friend on this birthday ever before, like we homies. But who does not?
Speaker 2:call on your birthday, homies.
Speaker 6:Yeah, I don't call many homies on their birthday anyway, but I'm on my lunch break and working from home and I FaceTime him and I'm like I'm going to FaceTime him and wish him a happy birthday, like I haven't seen a student in a while. I miss him, so I call him Happy birthday. I was shocked that he answered. He's like thanks, thank you. And I remember him asking very quickly into the call he's like how are you? I was like I'm great, how are you? Because old Serena turns everything back on somebody else, like always. Like I always turn it back on somebody else because that was my self preservation. Anytime anybody asked how I was doing, I'm great, how are you? And then I let them talk and it was funny because he's like I'm good and he was about to go pick up his wife for lunch. He's like you're going to get to see her. I was like awesome and he goes. But are you really good? And I just remember like I'll never really. He knows, he knows I'm not okay. How does he? know, and whether or not he did know I'm not sure I should ask him, but it was just totally the Holy Spirit leading Because I needed to be asked that again so that a little bit of the door would be cracked open. And I said to him, I said you know, I'm not great and he was like why fat? And I just slowly. And it was like he just like had to pull. But it wasn't him pulling, like now that I know it was the Holy Spirit and he was just being the one to trust. Because I did trust him and I'm slowly sharing with him everything about Reagan, because he knew Reagan as well as I did. He knew Reagan's facades, he knew Reagan's shortcomings, but he also knew how awesome he was. And I wasn't afraid to start sharing with him truly how I was feeling, because I was like he will get it and he did Like he started. The best part was that he started validating what I was saying. You're right, you didn't deserve that to happen. You're right. He did kind of mess up a few times Because why I've gotten on the call right and they just very gently took care of hurting Serena and they validated it to the point where I could feel heard, because I had never felt heard the whole time. I never shared with anybody and they were understanding how I could love and hate someone at the same time, because they had also kind of been through that in their own story. And as we're sharing all of this, we're about 45 minutes into the call and I am just like starting to kind of sweat at this point and it was not hot but it just kind of started getting sweaty and I was just I felt like I was just going to explode, like I truly remember thinking that and they're like we're going to pray with you and like see what the Holy Spirit can just like reveal to your heart About what needs to be revealed. Because that whole 45 minutes was a conversation about Reagan and it was really good for me because I shared a lot of good things, shared a lot of irritating things and they listened and the coolest part was they started praying and Tyler, the husband, says we're just going to give you a minute to see what the Spirit reveals to your heart. And I was like I panicked Because perfection, serena, like gifts of imperfection by Brené Brown, is on my bookshelf, because that's what I lived by, because I was this perfect person who's biggest fear was being found out of like being not enough, of being fake, of being a fraud. And I was like Tyler just asked me to do something and I don't know what he wants me to say, because I felt like I was like my mind was saying perform, see, the right thing so that this can, like, hold me, be fixed. And I couldn't say anything. And it was this awkward silence and Holy Spirit spoke because this was not in my head, but I just said I am a conditional letter. Hmm. And his wife Morgan is like yeah, like you feel that you have to conditionally love others because if you unconditionally loved them, that leaves opportunity to be hurt the way you are right now. And it just starts flooding my mind and this massive weight starts coming off to the realization that I have been keeping a record of wrong. I've been keeping a record of wrong and no one will ever harm me, no one will ever hurt me because I keep records of your wrong and because I keep records, you're not going to do it again. And I was keeping this record of wrong for what people have done to me and I had unconditionally loved so many people. But Tyler said he's like but does God keep a record of your wrongs? And I knew the answer. I said no, it was so easy, Richard. It was like the flip of a switch Weight was gone. I was so happy, Like we prayed, I put it to death, Like I put old Serena in the freaking grave.
Speaker 2:What was the main thing? Like what the main thing was that you were, that you could love unconditionally. The fact that you couldn't, you put that in the grave.
Speaker 6:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Why were?
Speaker 6:you able to do that.
Speaker 2:What's the reason that you could do that after a conversation Like what was revealed to you in that conversation that allowed you to do that?
Speaker 6:What was revealed to me was the fact that my father, who I love so much, like I've grown so I've had so much intimacy with my heavenly father now for a couple of years he keeps no record of wrong. Like we opened up the Bible and we read it, and I read this like love keeps no record of wrong. And I thought to myself who am I to keep a record of wrong and conditionally love someone for what they've done, when Jesus only sees me for my value of who I am and he does not see me for what I've done, but he only sees me for who he sees me as, Like. He sees me as what he values me as and what he calls me. And I started reading these verses out loud to them, and they were verses like you are holy and blameless in his sight. You are righteous. And a verse that I had known came to my head you are all together beautiful, my darling, and there's no flaw in you. And I started reading Romans seven. Sorry, not Romans seven, Romans six. I started reading Romans six, where it starts talking about that through baptism, you're buried in his in Jesus's death and you raise up in newness of life, and my heart exploded and I started crying and it all became so clear to me Like it's crazy how clear it became. And I got really excited because I was like you guys. You guys like whoa, whoa, whoa. I was like my dad, like I've been conditionally loving my dad, like it went from all this pain about Reagan to then realizing I have been keeping a record of wrong on my dad, I have been conditionally loving him through his actions, when the whole time I should have been seeing him for what God sees him as. And what does God see my dad as? My God sees dad as son and someone that loves unconditionally. And I was like so if God loves my dad unconditionally, I love him unconditionally. Because then Galatians 220 came in. It is no longer I who lives but Christ who lives in me, and I believe that because it says it. People get so obsessed with hearing the truth and hearing freedom of what I just was freed with and hearing what Roman six has to say, and they become so obsessed with the issue of their own unbelief. And it took me point two seconds to read what the word says and I allowed the truth of the Bible to speak better things over than what I had been feeling for the last five years. And we got off the call and I took my Bible into the living room, where I was at, and I was all alone and there was praise music playing and I knelt down over my Bible and I just held out my hands and I started sobbing tears of joy. I had never felt so happy in my life. My heart was pounding and, as as the praise music was playing, all I could think of is this is heaven on earth. I am living heaven on earth, and that's why I was sobbing is because I was like God. You are here, you are living in me, as no longer I live, but you listen me, and angels are filling this room and they are praising because they've seen me come to the, to this moment of finally believing what this Bible says. And the best part is this is how free I am. Old Serena would have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever said any of this to you, let alone be recorded, let alone with the potential of having hundreds of people hear this. Some people would say, wow, you're so brave. That's so vulnerable of you to share. No, because it's not me. I don't care sharing very what I used to thought were embarrassing things about me, because it's not about me it's not about me, because I don't live anymore. She's dead. And she, like old Serena, was so put to death that immediately, as I was done praying, I was speaking in past tense like wow, I can't believe I used to live that way. Wow, this feels so good, like I was saying things like I can't believe I used to be that way and it was, it was a while, like it was so much, it was so much confidence. And I got home that night and this is the best part I got home and I walked in the door and old Serena used to be so irritated when I'd get home at night because I would. My dad would be watching TV and for some reason annoyed me so much because he's really hard of hearing. He's worked with heavy machinery his whole life and so the TV would be really loud and it's very irritating. And I wasn't irritated and I walked in and I couldn't wait to tell my dad how much. I loved him. Because, I hadn't loved him. What did he say? I walked in, I went and sat in the chair next to him and he turned TV on mute and I was smiling like ear to ear. He's like hi, I was like I have to tell you something. And like old Serena would have been super nervous because I never would have brought this stuff up to him, because I would have been afraid of how he would have reacted. I said, dad, I've been in so much pain, like and I start spilling the beans like I know Reagan died a year ago. But I've been in so much pain and my dad is so sweet and he's like like tapping my hand. He's like I know I could tell. And I was like, oh, I thought I was masking this really well and I was like I've been in so much pain and I've been hurting and I've been mad at Reagan, but I, you know, we loved him. And dad's like yeah, he was great. And I said, but you want to know, the coolest part is I got freed from that today. And he was like okay, and I said, dad, I used to hate you. And I saw like his face dropped. I said, but I don't anymore. And I literally started sharing with him. I was like, dad, I used to hate you for the divorce. I hated you for the drinking. I wanted nothing to do with you. I used to control how much time we spent together because I didn't want a relationship with you. I was afraid. I said but I no longer see you for anything you've done. I said I see you for who God sees you as and he calls you son and he calls you valuable. And my dad's getting these tears in his eyes and the best part is that he started getting defensive and trying to defend his old actions. But it's the best part because he starts kind of getting defensive of his old actions and like the things he's done, he's like, well, this had to happen because of this and well, your mom was this. And I said I said dad, dad, dad, you don't have to defend anymore because I no longer condemn you. Like I just he's like I've laid my hands on him and I said you don't have to defend yourself anymore. I said you've had to defend yourself your whole life and I don't condemn you. Because one of my favorite stories is Johnny and the woman caught in adultery and truly unconditional love is like no record of wrong of Jesus. Like they bring her to him and Jesus says to her at the end of the story is like all the people were condemning her leave. And Jesus says to her wear your accusers. And she says nowhere. And he says neither do I condemn you. And that's what I do with my dad.
Speaker 2:How did he handle it?
Speaker 6:And from them.
Speaker 2:Because it could be. It would take pride swallowing to not to defend yourself.
Speaker 6:And then he had so much pride, like he had so much pride, but old Serena then would have gotten like and really like again a wall and I would have gotten really angry and I would have just shut down and I probably would have left and he defended and the pride was there. But because I no longer live in the pride of self preservation and I no longer live in the pride of, well, you've done this and you've done that, it was beautiful, because I just loved him and he kept trying to defend and I was like you don't have to, and we prayed together and ever since then I can spend all the time in the world with my dad. Ever since then I have not felt one. You can see, I don't see bit of grief, resentment, anger, pain towards Reagan or towards his death, like I haven't heard about it.
Speaker 2:What's true about that whole thing that allows you to live like that?
Speaker 6:Is because I was seeing him through his actions again instead of just seeing him through his value of who he really was. Like I don't have to worry about the things that have happened in the past. I no longer even really have to feel pain about him being gone because he was such like I just I don't see the wrong anymore. Is basically, what's happened is like, yeah, he's gone and I miss him. And it was about like two months later I had walked into this coffee shop and for some reason, like smells bring back memories for me and I had this like smell of coffee and it reminded me of him and this coffee shop we had gone to. And I remember it hit me and I was like that is so weird and I got kind of teary eyed and it was the first time I thought, whoa, I'm crying about you and how long has it been. But it was so good because I can just remember like really fun and good, amazing memories now and I no longer live in. I was like condemning him, but then I was also condemning myself because I was like you don't deserve to miss him.
Speaker 2:There was so much. I remember hearing a voicemail from him and he's explaining what he's going through and he was starting to understand freedom and he's in the I've heard it too. He's just like. I used to think, man Reagan, stop being such a. You know what he's like. But now, and like the first time I heard that message, I was just like man, I'm gonna get to see this guy soon and that thought, that thought, makes me much more emotional than not being able to see him now or missing him. It's that thought of when we're all back together and we're just like. That was crazy. Like, look what happened Like look at how awesome God is and those moments in that time, because we're talking about it right now, but it's actually going to happen Like we're all going to be together. It's like the Christmas with the family that loves each other. There's no awkwardness, it's just like, oh, we're all going back to dad's house, and that's what makes me emotional, that when people pass on, I just think, oh man, we're going to be together in the sky. Yeah. And I'm like how crazy, I can't even think about it.
Speaker 6:It hurts to think about it it's going to be so amazing, but then also we're going to have so much fun.
Speaker 2:We're going to live heaven on earth now like we get to have it now. We get to speak life now we get to know who we are now.
Speaker 6:And that's why 2020 has been the best year of my life is because I realized that life wasn't just to get by. I had always kind of been taught and the way it had been explained to me is this is our temporary home. We are just working to get to heaven, just survive so we can make it. But I no longer survive. I live in the most massive abundance of life, giving joy and love and peace. Because what hit me the most is my anthem as Ephesians 1, that we are blessed with every spiritual blessing that is found in the heavenly realms, that I am holy and blameless in his sight and that I have been sealed with the Holy Spirit. It hit me so much when I read that you were sealed with the Holy Spirit because a seal is no joke and that is like the legit deal, like when you have something like sealed, that is done. And I realized when I am sealed with the Holy Spirit, I then have all the fruits of the Spirit. Galatians just made so much sense to me then, because I had always read the fruits of the Spirit as things I had to strive for when that was written for no, you live from this place. You don't live in lack. You live in abundance. I live out love and joy and peace, patience I live with so much patience and kindness and goodness and I live with faithfulness and gentleness and I have self-control in every area of my life. And it was huge because not only did I get free from conditional love and keeping record of wrong, but I live in truly holistic, panoramic freedom, because Christ did not die 2,000 years ago to give me partial freedom. He died so that I may be set free and live life abundantly. He came and gave us the example of what it looks like to unconditionally love. He came and showed us what it looks like to not condemn and what a privilege I have to live that out. And I understand where, like some people may think that sounds so self-righteous. But to be honest with you, this one will probably sting a lot of people that aren't living in freedom is it is self-righteous of you to not live in the abundance that he has wanting, like that he is wanting you to live in. It is self-righteous to have pride, thank you. And if you don't receive the gift that God has given you, that is pride, like people who hold on to their pain and people who hold on to keeping a record of wrong like, whatever it may be. What is the point Like? What is the point of still naming yourself with anxiety and depression Because in Jesus' name you don't live in?
Speaker 2:that it's because you really feel it.
Speaker 6:It's your reality, and you want to know something.
Speaker 2:Tell me something.
Speaker 6:Here's a secret Feelings aren't the Lord, feelings are not the Lord. And it's interesting how easily I believe that, because I may not feel sometimes like I have it all together, I may not feel like I'm free, I may not feel like I'm filled with peace, but guess what? What he has done and what he speaks over me speaks better things over my life than what I'm feeling. Why would I ever allow the God of the universe, who has sent a die for me? Why? Well, it's pride. But like pride says no, my feelings are super valid over what God says. And here's the thing Is, feelings have a place. Feelings indicate that feelings no longer dictate, because I was dictated by my feelings for a good, basically my whole life, that's what I was dictated by. But they can indicate something to me. But you know, what feelings indicate to me Is when I have a feeling that I know is a lie. So if something's a lie, that means it's not true. So if someone decides to believe a lie over their life, over the truth of God, that's some blast to me.
Speaker 2:They're not doing it on purpose, like we all came about as long as we're now For sure not yeah, because I used to live in that place. So 2020 has been a victory lap.
Speaker 6:Over sure. And you know what's going on Running the victory lap is what happens after you're done with a race and you just run and you rejoice in what's already been done and completed.
Speaker 2:And I think this is a good way to finish this off, because what I'm about to say might freak some people out, but it's awesome, and that is what 2021 is going to be is more of the same. It's more of the same freedom. It's more of the same understanding, blessings, believing truth, like 2019 and 2020, for me, have been crazy, and 2021 is just going to be more of that. And now 2020 has sucked because, you know, I lost people in 2020. I lost people in 2019. I don't mourn the same way I used to mourn. It's just different. And yeah, and can I say something? Because?
Speaker 6:you know, someone could have listened to this this whole time. You know I tell my story and it seems like it's got a lot of like sob story going on. There was a lot of pain and it may seem ridiculous that now, all of a sudden, I'm good and it seems really crazy, like that seems impossible. You're just living on that like cloud nine, like you know, summer camp high, but this is forever, because my God lacks no good thing and he's not just going to give me a cloud nine experience and then take it away. This is for life, because I could walk out on my porch tomorrow morning and the whole earth could be destroyed and I would be good, because he is good and his goodness lives in me and that is why I am living heaven on earth and that is why, to go into 2021, we can say no matter what happens, it's still more of the same, we're still living in the abundance. It's why Paul and Silas could sit in prison, chain to walls, and sing hymns knowing they could be murdered.
Speaker 2:I don't think you're going to get shook on this. I think you're going to get worse. I think it's. I think you got a problem. I think it's called belief.
Speaker 6:I have massive belief. It's huge. I can't explain how big my belief is. Like it, I can't even describe it.
Speaker 2:Why do you have so much belief? Why?
Speaker 6:Because when I put old Serena to death and like I believed in Jesus like regardless of what people say, the Bible is a historical piece of evidence, Like I've taken classes in college. It is very historical Jesus lived and he is true and so my belief is so massive because I know historically it's true. But second, because I don't just read it as like, oh, that's nice. It would be a waste of my time to read John 3.16 and say, for God so loved the world that he gave his only son that whosoever believes in him will have everlasting life. It's a waste of my time if I were to memorize that and read it and not believe it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you believe it because Jesus was a man and he's alive, like historical, and he's living on my inside and roaring like a lion, the belief lion. It's late here. Thank you so much for coming on the podcast One of these days and hopefully it's before we're in the sky we all got to get. We all got to be around each other and party this thing out Bro for sure It'll be lit Love you. Thank you so much for coming on.
Speaker 6:Love you, love you. Bye, bye, bye, bye. Bye, bye. Bye. Bye, bye, bye. Bye Bye, bye, bye, bye.