Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#185 Eliana's Journey: From Shame and Guilt to Freedom and Redemption Through the Gospel
What if the gospel could completely transform your life, breaking the chains of shame and guilt? Join us in this powerful episode of the Death to Life podcast as we dive into Eliana's incredible journey of faith and redemption. Born to a South African father and a German mother, Eliana's unique upbringing and the profound impact of her parents' faith take center stage as she shares how the gospel brought generational shifts and new hope to her family.
Eliana opens up about her personal struggles, including the turbulence of her teaching career and the pain of isolation and emotional battles. She candidly discusses her journey through relationship challenges, exploring themes of sexuality, shame, and guilt. Be moved by her heartfelt recounting of how she found joy and healing in Jesus, highlighting the pivotal moments when God's truth and love became her refuge and strength.
Experience the transformative power of faith as Eliana's story unfolds through various chapters of her life. From navigating heartbreak and discovering redemption to breaking free from shame and addiction, her testimony is a beacon of hope. Listen as she celebrates the freedom and abundance found in Christ, impacting not only her personal identity but also her professional life and relationships. This episode is a testament to God's unwavering faithfulness and the life-changing impact of the gospel, offering encouragement and inspiration to all who tune in.
0:00 - Transformation Through the Gospel
5:29 - Family, Beliefs, and Identity Discovery
21:51 - Identity Through College and Diversity
36:51 - Navigating Relationship Turmoil and Self-Discovery
44:59 - Understanding Intimacy and God's Intentions
49:34 - Navigating Heartbreak and Discovering Redemption
1:06:55 - Breaking Free From Shame and Addiction
1:16:36 - Freedom and Transformation Through the Gospel
1:28:38 - Embracing Faith and Freedom
💰 DONATE & SUPPORT our Ministry: lovereality.org/give
📚 LEARN more at our site: lovereality.orgContinue growing w
Download the Love Reality app. Available in the App Store & Google Play.
The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:And I didn't even know why. You know like God is so good, why am I crying? I don't even know. So I was. I was a mess. I was really struggling and by the December of that year, like just the way that teaching, teaching was getting just so much and I was really really struggling to be okay and find joy. And when people ask me that December, like when I saw them at gatherings, they're like how do you like teaching? I'm like I couldn't even say that I liked it anymore because there was so much pain and so much like I was struggling so much in all aspects of my life.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. Today's episode is with Eliana, and this episode touches on a lot of important topics a lot about sexuality, about shame, guilt, condemnation, and about hearing God receiving the truth over your life. So mind where you listen to it, but listen to it, because Eliana is a powerful witness of the truth of the gospel. So listen up, buckle up, strap in Love y'all, appreciate y'all. Here's Eliana. Love y'all, appreciate y'all. Here's Eliana. Okay, so we are getting this episode off like right under the gun, right Like we were almost going to have to wait two months to get this thing. And I had a day off today that I usually don't have a day off on Thursday. I'm usually running around trying to get some work, but I couldn't get any today and I said let me see if she's available. And you were. So we're here. What's up, eliana?
Speaker 2:How are you feeling? Doing great. I'm just amazed at how God works. I wake up to a text from you and I'm like today's the day where I get to tell God's faithfulness to me, so it's a good day.
Speaker 1:Praise the Lord. Where are we starting? Where are you taking us?
Speaker 2:Um, I think it's helpful to um understand, to understand, like, who, who I am in my story. Um, starting with my my parents, cause they have been such a huge part of my life. Um, so yeah, I grew up kind of had a, I feel, like a more unconventional childhood my parents I recently heard a term which kind of helped me to understand and explain what I was feeling but could never really put into words, and that is being a third culture kid words. So, and that is being a third culture kid and, for example, my dad is from South Africa, my mom's from Germany. So third culture kid is when your parents are from a different place and a different culture from where you live, and so then your home is actually kind of a third culture. That's a mesh of all of these different things.
Speaker 2:And so, yeah, my family was really tight, um, and I'm really grateful for god's goodness in my parents lives because I can really see how, like, their love for him and his love for them was really evident from a little kid. And that's that was my perception of God really Seeing how my parents and their understanding of Him helped them actually, in their respective ways, break a lot of the family, generational things that had been in each of their families. And so the gospel changed my dad's life before I was born, as far as he was learning about this message that had been given to us in 1888. And so he had heard this message that Christ at the cross had accomplished salvation, he had accomplished our freedom and that we had like that. We got to receive that, and that changed him. He's been like on fire for the gospel and and he had this insight on Hold on one second.
Speaker 1:Hold on Before, before we keep going. Sorry to interrupt you. Your dad is from South Africa and your mom's from Germany. Where did they meet from South Africa and your mom's from Germany? Where did they meet? In Switzerland, Naturally.
Speaker 2:So is uh are are. It seems like one of them has darker skin. Am I correct?
Speaker 1:My dad yeah, okay In South.
Speaker 2:Africa. They would call my dad colored, which is not really a bad term there, um, so yeah, he's. He's from South Africa, he speaks Afrikaans. He never I never learned Afrikaans because they speak English as well in South Africa, so I never really had the need. Um, but my mom, yeah, speaks German. They had both lived there until they were like they're in their 20s and, yeah, I speak German because my German side of the family doesn't doesn't know English. I got to be treated how my dad saw God, and so if I made a mistake or had an accident, like my parents, their initial thing was always oh no, like you didn't mean that that was just an accident, that's fine, like, like, they always had this faith that I had the best of intentions or that I was. You know that this was just a mistake and that was not my who I was.
Speaker 1:essentially, I don't know if that makes sense. I think that's amazing. Uh, I try to be like that as a father. I know it wasn't like that. Yeah, uh, the whole time my kids have been around, but how beautiful is that? Praise the lord for uh, yeah so your parents, they, where were you born?
Speaker 2:I was born in Michigan, yeah, 1999. My dad was studying there. He was studying for his MDiv and times are kind of tight in the Kerns household, but yeah, I got to see, you know, just different cultures, and so I got to see these different personality traits and different cultural aspects of my parents come together and blend in a way, because because I got to see love in action and that was that was really cool. Yeah, so that was my family. My brother was born two years after me and when my dad graduated we had this call to go to St Louis Missouri.
Speaker 2:My dad was very passionate about the health message, so he was a nurse as well as having just graduated from Andrews, but he was passionate about the health message being the right hand of the gospel. He partnered with this evangelist. His name was Will Ferguson and he was an incredible guy. I got to see people's lives being changed by the gospel in a really neat way, where I think the emphasis of both Will and my dad was that it's not up to them to tell people what Christianity looks like. It's really God who works on the heart, and so they would just tell them you know, spread the word of the goodness of God and we could see like the Holy Spirit working on people's lives.
Speaker 1:As you're growing up, tell me like you saw God through your dad, like who was God, who was he to you as you're growing up?
Speaker 2:God was. He was super, super good and he was more the God of my family, the God of my parents and I kind of. He wasn't necessarily like mine until until a little bit later, um, but yeah, he was, he was super good. There was something that happened early in my childhood, um, back in Michigan, when I was like four or five, which was when I um started to masturbate, and just the way that I think my parents didn't know what to do. What do you do with you know, um, with a child, your first child? Um, so they weren't sure how to handle it and I somehow internalized that there was something deeply wrong with me and so, like, as good as God was, I didn't seem to be like everybody else, like from my home life, from the secret part of me that I didn't even understand what that was. I didn't have to talk about the birds and the bees until much later, like I yeah, he was, I there were. There seemed to be two parts that I couldn't really reconcile.
Speaker 1:Like I'm different somehow, but God is very good to everybody, you know that is. I'm going to take a second here because I think this is important, that question, and now that I'm a father, I have an 11-year-old daughter and an 8-year-old son and I remember growing up and God love my parents. They could talk to me about the birds and the bees and we had that conversation early on, but we didn't talk about that other thing pretty much ever. And there's, there seemed to be shame wrapped up around it and I think I think that lends itself to big problems. If we are like I don't't and you can disagree with me, other people could disagree with me.
Speaker 1:I think that if we label it as good or bad, um, there's going to be problems rather than just it's just this thing that as you grow up and you're, you're finding out about, you know life, that this, like you're going to come in contact with it, you're going to, uh, kids are going to be talking about it.
Speaker 1:Obviously, pornography is a different thing, but I think that the way some people have talked about masturbation, the shame leads into more and then leads into pornography, where if we could just look at it and say, yeah, this, this probably shouldn't be a huge practice or habit of your life, but there's. There's nothing wrong with you. You're a human being and you're growing and you're you're understanding your body and I've just been convinced that I know my son's eight. There's nothing going on right now, but I know at some point we're going to have that conversation and just in my heart, I don't want to shame him. I don't want him to think he's weird or strange and I'm not saying your people did that weird or strange, and I'm not saying your people did that, but I, I think it's a. I think it's important that we remove the shame from these things, because shame is the fuel that will get these things going in the wrong way. Right, what do you? I mean, you don't have to agree with me, but I think it's important.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think that I definitely felt shame and it was this hidden part Like yeah, even now it's just not it, but as a kid, like it's not the picture of you know, what God intended our bodies to enjoy eventually, but it's not the end of the world, and I think it kind of. I thought it was the end of the world at my age and that stage and that I was somehow distancing God from myself by my participation in that.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I like the way you put it. It's not a practice that we should be getting in a huge habit of, but to put that much shame on it that we're distancing from God because of it. That's where the problem lies, right.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So through this, was this just a secret part of your life? Or were you able to talk to your parents and say, hey, what's going on here, I need help or something?
Speaker 2:It would. Be no, it was a secret part of my life where they'd catch me occasionally, um, you know we'd pray together, um, like I was always assured of their loves, but I also knew that they were disappointed and so, um, yeah, it kind of phased out as far as my communication with them about. It phased out Because as you grow, you give your kids more independence and they didn't check on me as often and so it wasn't something that I ever talked about to them until actually I got free.
Speaker 1:So yeah, oh, wow, Okay. So what happens next?
Speaker 2:Oh, wow, okay, so you're what. What happens next? Yeah, so I think that idea that I was somehow different played itself out in that I, like you know, I first had this desire for your kid. You have this desire for connection and for friends. Or, you know, kid, you have this desire for connection and for friends and so, probably because I didn't feel like I had that connection with God, I just started to really crave having friendship and then, yeah, really soon also like kind of went boy crazy.
Speaker 2:But since I thought that that kind of thing I tied it and I was like I tied it to the side of me, that should not be expressed and so I never really like that's another thing I didn't really talk to my parents about or let anybody know that I was like crushing on somebody and so, yeah, so that was kind of like this side of story that proceeded throughout my childhood where you know I'd be, I'd be interested or like be just long for a person to really get me and for, um, for for somebody to have like that intimacy, that connection where I could be myself and you know they could be their selves. That's what I longed for in friendships and that's what I longed for um. You know, before I thought that it was appropriate um for in a in a guy as well.
Speaker 1:Hmm, yeah. So how did that manifest itself? Like that being guy crazy, what did that look like? Just like begging for attention or just kind of. What was that like?
Speaker 2:I stifled it, I pushed it down, um, and uh, yeah, no, I, I threw myself into like all sorts of things that I enjoyed being a homeschooler.
Speaker 2:Um, so we moved from from, uh, St Louis to Wisconsin to no, no, no, from St Louis to Colorado, um, to Wisconsin, and then eventually to Walla Walla, where here in Walla Walla, I got to be involved in like the music scene. I played violin and I got to do like horseback riding, and because we have this time in the morning where we get our book work and our schoolwork done, and then the afternoon was spent like we could do extracurriculars and our schoolwork done, and then the afternoon was spent like we could do extracurriculars, and so, yeah, that was like there was very much that part of my life where I loved serving in church, I loved being, you know part, I loved God. And then there was also the side where, like, yeah, I was, you know, I was having those kind of thoughts that a young teenager would have, as far as you know, thinking guys are cute and but also thinking that that's wrong of me to feel that way.
Speaker 1:What was wrong in your mind about thinking a guy is cute?
Speaker 2:I felt like it wasn't time yet, so I would get, I would get married later. So I would get, I would get married later. And um, so I had the idea that, um, yeah, you, you don't really need these feelings until you get married, and so why should I be feeling them now?
Speaker 1:yeah, why not believe that a guy is Like? That's the problem is that we take like in our protecting of things. We don't acknowledge certain things and then they live under the surface and they don't live under the surface long, like you. It's like holding a ball in a pool, like one of those beach balls the further you hold it down, it's going to pop up just as high. The problem is objectifying somebody, right? It isn't believing that someone is good looking or that they have a fun personality. It's objectifying that person for your own gain. And so, once again, like and this is all all has to do with with sex and stuff when we see sex as not this evil thing, but a thing that's good, that's given to us by God, but only for a certain context, well then, then we can remove some of the shame from this stuff. But if you thought somebody was cute's not wrong, right?
Speaker 2:yeah I think I would take it a step further too, where I would like spend, like, spend time fantasizing, like that was my escape, that was the thing that I felt, like, like was the thing that really made me feel some sort of way, and, like you know, masturbation was still an issue, and so I packaged that all up together and couldn't see, like the beauty, um, that God had in it Cause, you know, I just it was, it was all part of the part of me that was wrong or that was off or that was different, and so it's tossed all together in this one group, right
Speaker 2:yeah. So I felt you know, I have some journal entries of that like portion of my life and I just felt, you know, caught. I felt like, you know, I love god, but I can't get over this and I feel like one day maybe I'll have this time when I will and I just want that to be now, but I don't know how, I don't know who to talk to. And so it was just this, yeah, this, this agony really, that I felt at that at that stage, because I couldn't reconcile the fact that, you know, all of my life felt this beautiful part of my life where I got to engage with people, like God sent a friend in my life. That was, you know, what I had prayed for and he was so good to me. But yet, like I couldn't reconcile these two parts, how old do you think?
Speaker 2:you were at this time two parts. How old do you think you were at this time? Um, this was between the ages of like 13 through 17, probably.
Speaker 1:Those are tough years. Those are tough years, no matter what, trying to figure it out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so you're going through high school, but you're at home, but you're active in the community uh, with your music, you know, like violin and that sort of thing, yep, um, jumped into community college.
Speaker 2:Um, for their, they have a program the last two years of high school you can do something called running start, which really was a blessing for me because I got to get some general credits out of the way while still, you know, completing the last two years of my high school and getting a high school diploma and yeah, so I enjoyed my time there. I was starting to really get in the realm of teaching. I was a tutor at the TLC at the community college. I was teaching horseback riding lessons, I was teaching some violin lessons and I was really starting to feel like man, this is something that I really enjoy. And then, on this same um side of things, like I was also really really loving this one class that I had in community college, which was Spanish, because my Spanish teacher came into the room and he actually like we've talked about life and he brought the language in in such a fun way. And I'm like man, I really admire this person and I really am falling in love with this language.
Speaker 1:I'm like man, I really admire this person and I really am falling in love with this language which ended up shaping the direction that I took when I went to Walla Walla just a couple years after I started at community college.
Speaker 2:So yeah, your community college Spanish teacher was the big influence.
Speaker 1:Yes, community college Spanish teacher.
Speaker 2:That's super cool. So did you want to teach Spanish or did you want to just become fluent in Spanish? When I started, I just wanted to take you know I needed that those credits and I was interested. But, yeah, no, by the time I finished I'm like I want to do this, I want to teach Spanish, which was after one year of community college Spanish, like I learned a lot, but not enough to teach, necessarily. That was. It felt a little bit wild and crazy to go into my um degree at Walla Walla saying I'm going to be the Spanish teacher. Um, it was like a leap of faith, but I did and I really enjoyed my and it ended up being something that I loved.
Speaker 1:So Walla Walla has like a four-year degree in Spanish.
Speaker 2:Walla, walla. Yeah, has a bachelor's of Spanish and a bachelor's of education, which I did both in order to yeah.
Speaker 1:Entonces ya puedo hablar español. ¿podemos hablar español?
Speaker 2:bachelors of education, which I did both in order to yeah, man, so now you speak german, spanish, english?
Speaker 1:you're not. You probably can understand some afrikaans, but you can't speak it right, you get a job anywhere, just tell them.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, it's. Languages are a passion of mine. I love them and I love the bridges of connection that they open up. I think that's something that has been. You know somebody who's who's looking for connection, looking for intimacy. Language is the bridge where I can understand different perspectives and build those connections. Um so it kind of fits into the puzzle piece so what was walla walla like?
Speaker 1:what were you learning about god and yourself and, and uh, the gospel during this time?
Speaker 2:um, walla, walla was, um, it was different. I was in a space that by all appearances, should like be a place that I would feel at home, like it's my church, right, it's my university. But I almost felt a little bit more different than when I had gone to community college. Like community college, I expected you know I'm going to be, I'm going to be a stick out of the mud. I don't know, I'm going to be different. I'm this homeschooler coming into community college, um, but yeah voila, I was still living with my folks, so I was the community student, um, and just, I found out that, not especially because of, like my understanding of the gospel and like and 1888, like I was sometimes bumping heads with my professors, like I had some great professors and then other, you know, other times we bumped heads. So, yeah, I was just trying to figure out. It was a very intellectual thing where I was trying to figure out what is the truth, why God was really.
Speaker 2:Throughout my teens and through this college experience, god was becoming very personal. Even though I couldn't quite understand parts that I brought to my schooling and stuff, it was very, it was very intellectual. It was do you for, for my, for my professors it was do you see the things the same way that I do? And then, for God, it was like oh, this is, this is something that I'd love to share.
Speaker 2:My name, as my parents when they named us, they believe that our names are kind of a promise, a blessing spoken over our lives, and so when they named their kids, they put a lot of thought into the meaning of their names, and so my name, eliana, means Eli it's Hebrew Eli. My God, anna, has answered me, and so, yeah, so I knew my name meant my God has answered me, but yet I couldn't hear God's voice, and so my question for God was like will you speak to me Like? I know that you're real, I know that you're good, I I experienced your blessings in my life, but will you speak to me Like will you answer me, will you take this thing away from me that I'm struggling with? And, yeah, would you be real for me?
Speaker 1:That's. That's a real question. If it's all just make believe or a good theory, it has no power to change our lives, Right. So it needs to be real.
Speaker 2:Right and I was. I was waiting for that. So it needs to be real. Right and I was. So I was waiting for that moment, for it to be real. Because testimonies right, you hear testimonies and you're like man god's real to them, like when will it happen for me?
Speaker 1:yeah, god's talking to all those other people, but he's silent when it comes to me. When's's he going to talk to me?
Speaker 2:Must be because I'm struggling with this thing. I need to get over it.
Speaker 1:So did you graduate with Spanish education?
Speaker 2:Yes, I did. I initially started with a music major too. I ended up transitioning that to a minor, but I really loved being a part of the music um department as well and, yeah, made some, made some connections and I really, really loved being in school. Learning was something that I really enjoyed. I definitely found a huge part of my identity in my grades which, yeah, I tried, like I worked so hard to keep myself at a straight A to the point of stress, to the point of, like you know, full on, yeah, pulling all-nighters just to, you know, study up, and to the exclusion of community, which I so desperately craved. You know I would prioritize that over pretty much everything.
Speaker 2:So I worked through a lot of my college and I also studied and I think a breakthrough came as far as my identity in grades came a little bit during, um, during my last quarter there, um, there was this opportunity to catch the very, very last of the ski season, um, and so I oh, actually it was the end of the second to last quarter, but that's a minor detail Um and so I chose to go out with a friend and my brother skiing and prioritize that, because I wasn't a huge skier, prioritize that connection with them over my grades, because I had learned that this connection really is valuable.
Speaker 2:Spending time with people really is valuable. I ended up getting an A in a class because of that and that might seem really insignificant, but it was a huge breakthrough for me because I was actually fine with it and it wasn't a source of stress and I realized, hey, this is not the end of the world. And I actually, when we graduated and they named everybody who had a 4.0 GPA and my name was excluded from that, I actually felt happy because I knew that that was not so important.
Speaker 1:You've probably had a few job interviews since you've graduated from college, right?
Speaker 2:A couple yeah, couple yeah yeah, anybody asked for those transcripts um I don't think so I would say no right, nobody knows your grades from college it was a live die moment, though, getting those assignments in, it's sure it was.
Speaker 1:And then you realize nobody asks for my grades. You know, it feels like your grades in high school seem like more important than your grades at college, because your grades in high school determine, like, what kind of scholarships you're gonna get, like what? Now, I'm not, you know. Of course your grades in college are important. If you want to get a master's, you want to move on, and I'm not hating on it. But your idea, what you just said there, like if we're killing ourselves and like, at the end, like our social life suffers and this is easy for me to say because I have adhd and I can't study anyway but um, no, it's, it's important, but it isn't our identity, right?
Speaker 2:It really isn't, and I think I experienced a little bit of the freedom of that, even though I ended up taking pride in the fact that I prioritized relationships. So I don't know, but I agree and I think that there was so much unnecessary stress because I saw that as a reflection of who I was and it did not have to be that way.
Speaker 1:I hope it's not, because I I tell everybody that I got a 3.0 in college, but I got a 2.9 because I didn't like like it was, uh, like I didn't care very much, but I cared enough to want, like to not have a 2.9. Uh, and I'm a, I'm a fairly intelligent guy, but like, am I a C plus intelligence? Well, that's what my grades from college would say. That's what my grades from college would say. Why do am I wrapping my identity around that? Because I mean, anyway, secrets out 2.9 in college. I didn't really care that much until I saw the Going into being a teacher too.
Speaker 2:I think it was really important that I learned that so that, like if I had a student like you rich, I wouldn't be like, oh, that person's trash, no, no, like I could actually see beyond beyond those you have not tried, you aren't praise God in Jesus's name.
Speaker 1:So what happened after college? Um where'd you go? Where'd you get your first job?
Speaker 2:yeah, I got my first job, um, at an amateur school close by um and it was it was I. I call it my first like introduction to high school because I'd never actually been to high school before and I got a job as a high school Bible and Spanish teacher and chaplain and so yeah, High school can be mean.
Speaker 1:Those kids can be mean Heads up. I don't know if they were at this Adventist school Hopefully they weren't but for the most part there's some meanies sometimes. So you're teaching there. You're teaching Bible. You're teaching Spanish. You're finally adulting, you've arrived. 're teaching there, you're teaching Bible, you're teaching Spanish. You're finally adulting, you've arrived. You made it right.
Speaker 2:You know, I hadn't really made it in my mind, because for me, making it would be having what I'd always craved and that was this romantic partner, this person in my life. I couldn't really see beyond my college, like when I, when I looked like all of my life I had just been looking to like college and the end of college. You know, I would definitely have somebody by then. I definitely get to experience this stuff by then, and so this was kind of like I am not sure where this fits into my life. I never had this dream of moving out and being on my own and adulting and being single, and so I was very, I was a little bit put on edge, but at the same time, like you know, I was very, very convinced that God had me in this place for a reason because I I got to, I got to teach Bible and in a way, I got to jump into um, the Bible more, um, throughout my life I've really, I think one of the reasons I liked school was because it would have like this external, where it would set me up and be this external motivator for me to learn what I actually wanted to learn, and so going into the setting at the school was also like, wow, I really get to spend this chunk of time in God's Word, I get to share it. And so I was like that's, that's a good thing.
Speaker 2:But yet I was craving so much and I was hurting um a lot too at that point, from, uh, a relationship that had lasted so short, um, just probably a year before I started, and it was with a good friend and I said yes to dating him on Thursday.
Speaker 2:And then the side of me that thought this, who couldn't trust my motivations because my motivations were double-sided, double-edged, and also this, this influence of purity culture, who thought, like you know, I should be know that I can, like that I'm marrying this person when I say yes to dating.
Speaker 2:And so I was having such confusion and I was having such agony over the thought of of um, of hurting him, that on Sunday I just like talked to him and I ended it and the, the hurt that I felt at hurting him, and then the hurt that I felt at the loss of our friendship, and then the idea that I needed to figure out, you know, my problems with lust and this side of me before I could jump into the next relationship, like all of that compounded to make me like, absolutely my last year of college was like I felt so sad.
Speaker 2:And I felt so sad and I think I really went to depression during that time because, yeah, I didn't have that person anymore and I had gotten to be close to somebody, you know, just spending time and getting to know somebody and having somebody that knows me, and I felt such peace in his presence that was missing and I didn't have that anymore. And so I still went into my job at Inunachi and I still felt that sadness and that ache every time that I saw these things that would remind me of him.
Speaker 1:Did that mess with your self-esteem?
Speaker 2:I think it did. Yeah, it did Because I prided or I thought that I would be able to be the person who would be able to do things right, would be able to be the person who would be able to do things right and I had hurt somebody, I had messed things up, I hadn't been able to hear God's voice at a time when I felt like it was really important to and so, yeah, it did, for sure.
Speaker 1:I think that's the curse of having great parents. Right, we're like they did it the perfect way. And then um, and then, when you don't do it like that, you're like, oh no, yeah, what's gonna happen? Yeah, I'm not just like them. I felt that, yeah, what's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm not just like them.
Speaker 1:I felt that. But that's a lie. So you get into teaching. It's not the ideal, it's not going in your personal life, but you have wonderful students and you're passionate about teaching Bible. How long ago was this?
Speaker 2:This was two years ago, yeah, 2022, august 2022. I jumped into teaching and I loved teaching. Like you know, it was so fun to connect with my students, to learn all these things about, about god's word, like god was revealing himself to me, um, and yeah, I, I really enjoyed it. It was a lot. It was my first time moving away. Um, I was living in my own apartment. Um, my like love languages are like quality time, um, um and so, but I was spending so much time alone and I absolutely hated it. Um, so I, there was a lot of struggle and it was just kind of like this idea, like I have to struggle, but God is good through it all, and uh, but I also felt this despair, um, at at times, just because I was struggling. You know, they say, first teachers, you've been in this world. You know, first teachers are going to have, you know, a really rough first year. It's crazy and I just, yeah, I was, I was.
Speaker 2:There was so much times when I was so down, I was, I was there was so much times when I was so down and then I'd look into my students eyes and I'd see them with that same expression and I so desperately wanted to help them but I couldn't summon up the like, yeah, like, how can I? How can I encourage them? And I, I know that God was faithful, like in, like this has been such a comfort to me through teaching that his word won't return to him void. Like I know that he was faithful in my sharing of the word and that he brought some encouragement both to them and to me. But I didn't know.
Speaker 2:And this one memory of the beginning of my second year, jumping ahead a little, comes to mind, where this student runs out of the room crying and I follow her and she's like what's the matter? She's like I can't find God and my heart was just like breaking for her and I was like you don't have to find God, god's found you and I truly believe that. But I didn't know what that looked like. Like I didn't know how to lead her through um, through hearing his voice or or receiving the truth of who she was. Uh, because I didn't know the truth of who I was. I just knew that God was really good and that he'd done everything for us, but I didn't know how to step into that or or receive it even so.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was like this incredible joy and this, this longing to be better and to be able to minister better, but not knowing how, and then this simultaneous sadness over not having this person in my life, not having a future person in my life.
Speaker 2:But that kind of changed a little bit because December of my first year, a friend set me up on a blind date and I got to know this guy and we ended up like talking and actually starting a long distance relationship, and so that was like a huge ray of sunshine. I feel like in my in that year, um and I, there were so many pinch me moments because this guy was like incredible at like pursuing me. Um, he was like so affirmative of who I was. He had a love for God, of who I was. He had a love for God and like I, I just I just couldn't believe that what I'd always like I felt like was the deepest, deepest, deepest desire of my heart was actually finally happening and so, like that was, that was a huge part of of that year as well, just just finally being able to express the side of me that I felt like could never um be expressed as far as like having um a romantic relationship with somebody.
Speaker 1:So how did that go?
Speaker 2:Yeah well, um, I was still under a lot of lies as far as doubting my motivation, and so I had a lot of I didn't know if this was the right person or if I was right in pursuing even if I didn't know if it was the right person. You know all the all of the, you know thinking there was just so I didn't, I didn't know. So there was, there was that. But then, like there was, there was, we had the best of intentions, which you know, one time, you know, he sat down and he was like I believe that a relationship, a good relationship, is where you don't need the other person, you want the other person. And I was like, yeah, I can get down with that, I agree. It ended up being that lovely idea did not actually end up happening because I wasn't able to receive from God, and so, like, long story short, I just ended up relying on him for this feeling of intimacy and I he needed to give that to me. Um, and then feeling like I needed to give him affirmation who he was and not being able to speak life over him. And so there was like, like it was, dating him, even though it was long distance, was so fun, so fun, but uh, yeah, on the other hand, like it was, yeah, it was it was confusing too.
Speaker 2:Um, at this time, god started to change my mind about sex and about, um, like, I had always thought that this is such an evil, like this is, this is eventually going to be good, but, um, I couldn't see, like the beauty of it. And so, um, god started to open my eyes to like what it was meant to be. Um, like, just independently, because now I'm in a relationship, now I'm curious about these things, um, and so I I started reading and I remember reading this book that was and the author was saying how it's, it's the good girl's guide to great sex. And the author was saying how, when Adam knew Eve, this knowing wasn't actually a, a euphemism, it wasn't just like, okay, we're, you know, covering that word up. Um, it was actually the deepest understanding of what sex is intended to be, in that it is the steep knowing and it's made for this, this covenant, this relationship, um, and so that blew me away, Um, and at the same time, yeah, like being able to, you know, flirt with this guy and to be able to interact like and be loved, you know, in this way and show a part of myself, like I started to realize that that a little bit more of what God intended in sex and what God felt towards me.
Speaker 2:Let me give an example. Like early on in our relationship, like even over FaceTime, I would just like look into his eyes and I could just feel this like warmth, just like you know, just eye contact, just like spread over my body and just this peace. And I'd always sung the song, like you know oh, I want to know you more. Deep within my soul, I want to know you, um, to feel your heart and know your mind, um. Looking in your eyes stirs up within me cries that say I want to know you more. And I realized that, like even as I looked into my boyfriend's eyes and had this like deep sense of knowing and peace, like that's what God was calling me to with him as well. So God was starting to give me glimpses of his character in a part of my life that I felt was very dirty and not not acceptable.
Speaker 1:Wow, yeah, that's beautiful. So he kept on kind of changing like a paradigm shift, changing your view of this thing that, because of shame, had become over here and I was like no, that thing's mine, that's not actually theirs and it's actually created for you and it's good, rather than wrapping shame around it yeah, so ended up the first year of um, of teaching, and then in the summer I went to visit this guy and it was very, very confusing and very good at the same time.
Speaker 2:I didn't feel this level of emotional connection that I wanted to feel and I think I put that on him At the same time, like I would lean into the physical parts of our relationship to get that, which was ended up being very hurtful, I think no-transcript, and when you're leaving Australia? Is he staying there? He's staying there.
Speaker 1:And you're like I'm leaving Australia and I'm leaving you, like that's, how is that how?
Speaker 2:you said it yes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah, bye.
Speaker 2:Sorry, I don't know if this is like fresh in your, because I'm making light of it, but that sounds pretty heavy me and I felt his pain at not, you know, having the clarity that I did, like I, I really didn't think that I wanted to, you know, continue, um, or that that this was a good fit and my timing, you know, I, I think I wasn't being honest with myself about the doubts that I was having, even during my time there, and then I also wasn't being honest with him and that caused so much hurt.
Speaker 1:There's no perfect timing. In breaking up, there's better than terrible timing. Like I remember, I broke up with this great person and we broke up like the day before finals. That was terrible timing. But have has anybody ever broken up? And the other person went perfect timing? Like, no, it's always it's. It's never great. So there's there's, there's bad and there's really bad.
Speaker 1:But once you know what, like if you know, yeah, we're not really supposed to be together, but the timing's not right now, let me wait five more months, and then you're just mailing it in for five months, no, and so anytime there's something like that, it's going to be hard. Maybe worse timing would have been at the beginning of you getting to Australia and then for three weeks it's awkward. Um, maybe worse timing would have been at the beginning of you getting to australia and then for three weeks it's awkward. That would be worse actually. So there's bad and there's worse. You're like, oh, let's go, let's go to the sydney opera house and we're not together anymore. But you flew all the way out here anyway, so you so you get back.
Speaker 2:That would be rough, for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, you get back. You don't know what's going on in your life. You're like what's happening? You're going back, you're going into teaching, right.
Speaker 2:So I was just, I was in such pain I kind of was comparing it to my previous, you know, breakup, breakup, and I'm like why do I keep hurting such great guys, you know? And I really, really hate this, and I was really hard on myself, um, you know, for that Cause I saw myself in a way as the villain. Um, even like with with both of these guys, like I didn't understand how their families could be, you know, so generous towards me and loving, even afterwards, like you know, I'm the person who hurt them. Come on, and how they themselves like, yeah, this, this guy, he was really gracious towards me in our last, you know, final interactions with each other. So, yeah, I was, I was just kind of reeling.
Speaker 2:I ran straight from there to several conventions and then straight into teaching and I didn't ever really have a chance to process it. So during that time, god seemed like he came near me in a way that I hadn't experienced before. The music I, the music, um, I started listening just to Christian music and he just seemed like so good, um, like I dealt with more lust in a stronger way than ever, because, um, because of things that I'd, you know been um part of with my boyfriend that were not, were not in covenant. Um, like I was, yeah, it was those those things, like you know, kissing and cuddling, that's meant to bring us closer, um, and it just caused more pain that, uh, that it ended up being. This kind of intimacy ended up being ripped apart, um, which is not what it was intended. So I was, yeah, I was dealing with with lust, um, and back into my old, old cycles, um, really missing. This person was the first one to like, really strongly speak into my life. How, like that I was beautiful, that I was loved and all of these things, and I felt like, in leaving him, I was like that that was a part of me that was now missing, um, and so I remember, I remember in this one um interaction, uh, at Bible camp interaction, uh, at Bible camp uh took my kids to Bible camp and there was a song playing, um, and it was Christ is my firm foundation.
Speaker 2:He's the rock on which I stand, um, when everything around me is shaken. I've never been more glad Um, cause I've put my faith on Jesus and he's never let me down. He's faithful through generations and like, why would he fail now he won't. And that song, for some reason, just broke me because I believed it so much. I ran out and I just felt that God was so, so good, that he was faithful even through everything that I'd been through and that he would like.
Speaker 2:Looking into this blackness of the next year and this like post um post breakup depression, like I'm like he won't fail me through this. But yet I was just sobbing uncontrollably and I didn't even know why. You know, I like God is so good. Why am I crying? I don't even know. So I was, I was a mess.
Speaker 2:I was really struggling and by the December of that year, like just the way that teaching, teaching was getting just so much and I was really, really struggling to be okay and find joy. And when people ask me that December, like when I saw them at gatherings, they're like how do you like teaching? I'm like I couldn't even say that I liked it anymore because there was so much pain and so much um, like I was struggling so much in all aspects of my life. And so, um, when my statement of intent um came in January, um, like I looked around at my friends who, like I, who got to pursue things that they really loved, like travel, um and and ministry in other ways, and I was like I I saw so many of my passions that I I had put to the side to just be completely consumed by teaching, and I was like I want to be able to pursue some of these passions and I don't even feel like I'm doing this job justice.
Speaker 2:God is being faithful through me, but I don't feel like I'm giving this what somebody else could, so I decided to leave teaching at that point. You know what somebody else could, so I decided to leave teaching at that point. And this is where things turned to life, because I continue throughout the year, don't get me wrong, but this is when I was sent some YouTube videos by this ministry you might know, called Love Reality. Who sent them to you? A friend of my mom sent them to her and then she passed them on to me because she's like it was the short YouTube wave one and she's like you can use this in class. This is gospel, so I know right, so I started showing them in class was like this is awesome.
Speaker 2:um, and like the ones in hawaii, like tyler dry and jonathan yes, driving around hawaii with the trash and all that stuff yes, yeah okay so I, yeah, I started showing them in class and I'm like, wow, but there's something there's that's a little bit different here, like a part that I hadn't been understanding.
Speaker 2:And, yeah, it was, it was beautiful. So then I found the series, the more lengthened one, where John Jonathan did it at PBC Church. I think that was really helpful in my understanding and I listened through that and I'm just like whoa when I like understanding what sin is and that that that it's this lie, that God isn't as good as he says he is, and that how, how sin by its nature takes the life out of those that God exists to give life to and that he hates sin so much precisely because it hurts those that he created and loved. And that, what repentance was, and what confession was that repentance? Well, I guess the identity I'm getting so excited now, the identity that we have in Christ that you know. The Bible says that I am, you know, dead to sin and free from it.
Speaker 1:That you understood that at all before, or was that concept that you were free from sin? Was that like when you watched the first video? Were you like oh, I haven't thought about it this way. Or did you kind of, were you vibing with it immediately?
Speaker 2:I was vibing with it. Um, I don't think that I'd ever considered it for myself and I didn't. I, I didn't see that the Bible so plainly spoke about it. Um, like that I was. I was dead to sin and free from it. I think I, I, I saw this as a gift. My, my thinking had become kind of meshed by by different voices that had spoken. But, yeah, no, it was. It was different, it was, it was, it was vibing with what I had grown up with.
Speaker 2:But it was also like that the word so plainly says it and that I could, like, can confess, like, speak the same word as my father, um, which is what the word confession means that, like that I am dead to sin, that I am his workmanship, that I am complete in him. Um, and that, even though my feelings might tell me otherwise, that I could just turn from what I was believing, what my feelings were telling me, to what the word said. That was like that was pivotal and the idea that God wasn't didn't have this disappointed face. You know, like my parents, like like I had felt from my parents when, when they discovered me, like, no, he was, he was always with me and he wasn't disappointed in me because of my failure to, you know, overcome this thing in my life. And so that was, that was everything.
Speaker 2:So I was, I was starting to vibe with that, and during that time I was still dealing with lust so much it felt like this part of my life that I could not control. Um, like cycles of the month, um, like you know, I would ovulate and I would just be so, unbelievably, you know, trapped Um, and I ended up I was even like Googling libido reducers and stuff, like like, can I please, just like be free from this? I was so done with it and come to see, like I think I only found ones for guys and I was like, anyway, so that's how entrapped I felt and that's how good this news seemed. And so I started, really, you know, just jumping into these, these, into these podcasts and these. Well, first the YouTube and then later the podcast.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to take a real quick break from the episode right now and I'm going to bring on Brother David Hunt. Good evening, Brother David Hunt. How are you doing tonight? I'm doing well, man. Yeah, Quick question for you how long, uh, have you been rocking with what they call that good, good gospel? How long has it been, you think?
Speaker 3:I think it's been about, uh, four, four years, four and a half years, four years, mercy, four years and a few months, yeah.
Speaker 1:Uh, what would?
Speaker 3:you say that gospel has done in changing life. Would you say the gospel has changed my life in that it's allowed me to see who I really am in Christ.
Speaker 1:And that is His Son, mercy, god's Son. You've committed time, money, energy. You want this gospel to get out there. Why is that? Why is that important to you?
Speaker 3:I think it's important to me because the gospel has impacted my life and, in order for it to impact others, I believe that it needs to be supported well. So that is why I support and that is why I believe that you should too.
Speaker 1:Thank you, brother David. If you agree with David, you can go to loverealityorg slash give. Every dollar you give goes towards this gospel getting out there, whether through this podcast, internet, church Bible studies. We're committed to keep bringing this stuff to you guys until Jesus comes back. So go to loverealityorg slash give and let's get the news out there, shall we David? We shall. Yes, let's do it.
Speaker 2:I think it was somehow. I think I stumbled upon it when I looked up your guys' website Time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, praise the Lord.
Speaker 2:So then I started from number one. Um, yeah, yeah, praise the Lord. So then I started from number one and I actually like, throughout this week, um, I, I, just the week leading up to um, the weekend, um, I just kept having this drawing and I'm like you know what this is, so amazing stuff. I want to sit down and just like, just immerse myself and just spend time with God. This weekend and before, I'd always felt like, like you know, I'd gone away from my breakup thinking, oh, I need to get closer to God, and I tried to do that through, you know, bible study and all these things. But I felt like it was like, you know, this haze between him and me was this lust, and I needed to overcome it in order to be closer to him. But this was just motivated by like, wow, I want to know more about this. And so, at the time, I hated being alone. I hated, I would like, I would feel so lonely, I would like push myself up into the corner of the bathroom stall, like to feel like I was being hugged, um, and I just like I, I just want, desperately craved something that I just could not fill. And so, like the miracle is that this weekend I just decided to sit down and I just spent the day listening to Tyler and Morgan's podcast, the very first ones on death to life. Um, so, yeah, I jumped, jumped into Tyler's podcast and man, his life, resonated with me and just um, like the things that he felt enslaved to. And then when he had that talk with Jonathan where Jonathan says you know, it's not actually the lust, that is your problem, because you would have gone way further than you have, it's actually your need for affirmation. And so I could resonate with a lot of part of Tyler's you know story, the music part, and finding, you know, some identity and affirmation from that and just like wanting to be seen by others. And so I was like man is the affirmation for me Is the affirmation.
Speaker 2:But then I listened to Morgan's podcast where she's like, where I realized when Eddie sat down to her that you know, and he coached her that she could just receive and hear from the Holy Spirit what it is that's keeping her from God. I'm like, wow, I can just do that, like understanding that sin is this lie I can ask God to reveal. Like what lie I'm believing that's keeping me from receiving all this. I was just blown away. So I did, I kneeled right down there in my, in my room, and I'm like God, um, I just I believe all of this. Please reveal to me, like, what is it that's keeping me from you? Show me what it is that's that's holding me back here. And he's like you you believe that you don't deserve intimacy, because you believe that you need to learn a lesson before you, uh, deserve intimacy, and that's this lesson that you need to overcome less Like you believe that I'm in my great love, making you learn this lesson in order to then deserve intimacy. And so I'm like what it's like?
Speaker 2:You know, looking back, all the puzzle pieces fit the friendships, the relationships I'd craved, the ways that I had grieved these relationships so deeply because I didn't think that I'd ever get that again until I overcame lust, which that seemed like an impossible thing, right? So I was just living in this incredible lack, because I didn't think that I deserved everything that my father was already lavishing on me. So in that moment, I got to speak the truth over myself and I got to say that's not true what I've been believing like I do deserve intimacy, not because, not because of my actions, but because you're a good father and because you love to give good gifts to your kids. You say that I have every spiritual blessing in heavenly places and Ephesians and intimacy is one of them, and and so I do I get to take part of that. This apart from what I do because you're so good.
Speaker 2:Um, and you know, I'd always kind of pictured this moment where I had this freedom. I had had like moments before where I'd like been God. I really won't do this again. This is it, but I am like I'm. God was so good to me during that weekend and I got to see his character in a way that like I spent this whole weekend alone and only afterwards I'm realizing I was alone, I wasn't, I wasn't in agony, I wasn't depressed, I was perfectly happy because I got to actually finally receive everything from my father and that changed so much that changed everything.
Speaker 1:You know, it's interesting that we, when you said that Tyler's problem wasn't pornography addiction, and you were like, is that what I have? Pornography, or overeating, or shopping or any kind of thing where you're overdoing it? Those are habits that we fall to when we're trying to regulate our emotions yeah, when we're trying to regulate our emotions. And so when we have unregulated emotions in the past we went to something we shouldn't look at or eating, overeating or whatever and then we found out that it didn't regulate our emotions and we felt shame and so we went back to those things and it's just like an endless spiral. When you see that stuff just for what it is like, perhaps you developed a habit, but that's the good news is that if you developed a habit, you can undevelop that habit. When your emotions are unregulated and you feel that tension, you can feel that tension and be okay instead of medicating, and I think that's the only way we can actually look at it, because if we wrap shame around it, we're just going to be stuck and I know I've said this before on different episodes and then when you receive the gospel, that says that he made you this thing and you are this thing and what you did or didn't do isn't what made you this thing. What Jesus did made you this thing.
Speaker 1:Then you can look at your habits and they lose their power. They're just habits. Oh, okay. Oh, I'm living by unregulated emotions. Shall I regulate my emotions in the light of the truth of Jesus Christ? Yeah, let me do that, instead of white knuckling it and trying not to you know, putting blockers on your phone or on your computer, that don't. Those don't regulate your emotions. They're bandaid solution to a heart problem. So then, when you get a new heart now you can actually regulate your emotions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and for me, my bandaid was like this living in this fantasy world where I either live in the past, you know, and try and recapture this feeling of being loved and being, um, being comforted, um, or I live in the future, like hoping one day to experience that, you know, and like that I was trying to fulfill myself and, like you know, put this bandaid on the fact, on this lack that I felt in not being in sync and knowing my father, and when I like, I think one of the pivotal things is that I really don't need anybody. Pivotal things is that I really don't need anybody, but God, like God is all that I need and I have everything in him, um, and when I can receive everything you know that he is lavishing on me, then I I don't need from other people and I constantly, you know that freedom from not having to live, you know, in need, from how other people viewed me or the time that they spent with me or the way that you know they made me feel. When I could actually receive that from God, that need to live in this other world, of filling that for myself, like went away, you know, and the need to act out on that went away, because, because I now have everything and like that is part of the miracle in god's life, in of god in my life, um, and so like those, those moments of like, completely unregulated, just agony, like I didn't have to live there anymore because what I was craving so much, like I had that and God was like he that started this journey of him romancing my heart in a way that I had always dreamed about but never thought was possible. And so, yeah, did I, did I experience, you know, feelings of lust after that, like, absolutely Did I even in? But but that that thing is that those aren't like, weren't the truth of my life anymore and, like you said, they can just be what they are. I can just, I don't even have to fight them, I can just be like God.
Speaker 2:Thank you so much that that I am everything, that I am in you, that I'm a child, that I'm chosen and that that I am I'm free from sin. Like it's this is these things that are coming to my head. Like I have free from sin. Like it's this is these things that are coming to my head. Like I have an accuser. These are not me. I don't have to claim anymore. Old Eliana is dead. That person who needed intimacy and affirmation is dead.
Speaker 2:Because now, like I, have been raised to new life in Christ and I've been seated in heavenly places where I have everything that I need. I'm free from the shame of my past life, I'm free from the guilt, I've been healed by His stripes from everything that I've experienced from. From everything that I've experienced and, and even going further than that, the amazing thing is that, like like now, nobody can hurt me because hurting me is taking something away from me, right, but now, like, I have everything in Christ and and nobody can take that away. And so I can feel sadness at relationships that are lost, but I don't have to feel this hurt because I don't live in lack, I live in abundance in what God has done. So that was, oh man. I could go on for a long time about everything that God has done, but it was like that was such a pivotal weekend and he's just continued to be faithful to me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're not destroyed. There are certainly things that we have sorrow over, like specifically like when people don't receive the truth. We would love them to receive the truth, right, and our heart goes out for them, but we're not destroyed because we've been given everything. Yeah, so when it came to life in the classroom, did that change at all?
Speaker 2:Oh man, everything changed in the classroom. I think I mean, obviously there was a direct correlation, since I was teaching Bible, like, suddenly I had something to share. Suddenly I had this message that my kids had been set free and that as a basis of, you know, everything that I was sharing in the classroom. And the cool thing was that now it wasn't so dependent on whether students believed or not. Like before it felt like I have to get you to believe, so this will be true about you, um, but now it was more like, no, like god and his goodness has done all of this and and he is faithful to reveal that to you. Maybe it's not now, maybe it's, maybe there's little nuggets now that you know will be seen later, but I had this confidence in his pursuit of them as well as their value, um, and their, their worth, and that even transferred over to classroom management.
Speaker 2:You know, like I got to see, because there were, like there were times when I needed to correct or there were times when there were differences, and so I got to say to the kids or to, to treat them in a way that like, oh, I know that what you're doing isn't you. I know that, maybe you don't know who you are and that's why you're acting out, or maybe, yeah, you just need a greater revelation of God's love or of your worth in this situation, rather than feeling helpless when it came to those kind of interactions or classroom management. When it came to, you know, those kind of interactions or classroom management. So, oh man, I was. Yeah, it was so much fun to bring this newfound knowledge and especially the vulnerability that I had witnessed here, you know, with the podcast and such. I realized that that was such an important part to sharing, to open up. You know how God was changing my life and I saw some of my students be impacted by that.
Speaker 1:That's so powerful. You know what about in regards to being single? You know you had this whole plan. Everything was supposed to work out this way, and then it didn't work out that way and you were feeling some type of way about it as the gospel came in. What light were you putting that into then?
Speaker 2:Oh man, yeah, I had always been chasing contentment as a single person, but now I actually had contentment and I could finally heal from, you know, these past, this past relationship. Once I wasn't in need, once I, once I didn't like I was before I was in need with him, but then I could actually recognize the areas that you know there had been love and I could let go in ways that I hadn't been able to before and, yeah, um yeah, I was able to stop. Um, like, one of the things that was hanging over me was like this hurt for my, um, boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend, and um, yeah, I was able to also see that God's arms were big enough for him and recognize God's pursuit of him and trust God to that and just let go. So that's where joy and singleness, oh man, like nothing before, because I recognized that everything that I desired somebody who pursued me, somebody who was enthusiastic, somebody who desired me, somebody who delighted in me that wasn't something that I had in the past or something that I wanted to have in the future. That was something that I had now and that I have now, and I get to see God as my person and I get to be in covenant with Him, where all that I have is His and all that he has is mine. And I get to, although I I'm like I can't grow closer to him because he's his spirit is in me, right, I can grow an intimacy with him and I can start, you know, recognizing more of his voice and his heart toward me.
Speaker 2:And, um, one thing, one moment that brought me to tears was when I was just longing for somebody to delight in me, and then God put this verse in my mind, zephaniah 3, 17, which is you know, you will rest in his love and that he rejoices over you with singing and that image of God, just like delighting in me, rejoicing over me, like now I get to live in that place and I get to recognize that in a future relationship I'm going to see that echoed, but that's not going to be the fulfillment of that need. God is the fulfillment of that need and he shows his goodness to the people, to the people in my life, and that's just like the cherry on top. So I'm looking forward to experiencing that covenant, even as I recognize I have covenant with God now and that has absolutely radically changed my life and how I walk and who I am and how I interact with the world, and I'm so grateful.
Speaker 1:So you ended up getting your way out to Nebraska, like when I saw you there, because I'd seen you on internet church a couple times and you'd spoken up and I'm like who's this person? I kind of yeah, since I'm doing the after party all the time I'm seeing who's around, I kind of have a good feel for who's in the community and I'd seen you a couple times and then we're at this fireworks thing in Nebraska and I don't see I don't think I saw you there before that and I'm like who? Who are you? What's up? How did you get to Nebraska? And was that a blessing? Like tell me about that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, joel had, I had met him through the community and yeah, we'd formed a friendship and he's like, hey, you know, some of us are getting together. Would you like to come? And so I was super excited to, you know, get to meet you in person, get to meet so many people whose podcasts I'd heard. Because after, you know, after I recognized this and was able to receive this freedom, like man, I went hard on all these podcasts and just just was basking in the truth of everything that I had received in Christ and the thing was getting, you know, deeper for me in lots of different aspects. So, no, it was a dream to be able to be there. No, it was a dream to be able to be there, to get to talk to other people who had had this epiphany about you know who God was and who'd received, and, like, who really got it, who really got this joy that I was feeling because I was on cloud nine and yeah, it was.
Speaker 1:Was it the real deal, did you find?
Speaker 2:out? It's the real deal. You guys are the real deal. Did you find out? It's the real deal.
Speaker 1:You guys are the real deal. Yeah, I think it's the real. I mean, I think the gospel is the real deal and it changes lives.
Speaker 2:So we're going to run with it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I think the beauty of that and and the beauty of the community is that, um, you just there's this freedom when you know that people don't see you for what you might have been or what social interactions were always difficult, I would overthink them. But after freedom, recognizing that the Holy Spirit is always there, to say, hey, you're a, your child, you're good, this doesn't, this is not who you are, like that stumble, you know that's, that doesn't define you. Um, and to know that all these people like, saw me that way too. Um, and then like the, the friendships that have developed from that, where we get to speak truth into each other's lives, like that's what community is for and that is what, that's what the gospel does and the type of love that that it inspires. So yeah, Amen.
Speaker 1:Where are we going to? Let's see, let's get. Where are we going to? We're going to find Eliana, 13 to 17 year old, sweet girl. Wants to know God, wants to get to know him better. If you see her and you're just like, hey, babe, come talk with me. What are you going to tell her? What are you going to put your arm around her? What would you speak? Life, what kind of life would you speak into this girl who just is so sincere life what kind of life?
Speaker 2:would you speak into this, this girl who just is so sincere? Um, I would tell her there's nothing wrong with you. You are beautiful, you are um, you are free from sin, you are righteous, uh, you've been set in heavenly places. That is the truth about who you are, and you are not this double-minded, hypocritical person. You are the righteousness of God because of his faithfulness to you, and so, yeah, you are the righteousness of God because of his faithfulness to you, um, and so, yeah, no, like I would, I would just tell her your name. Like that is your promise, like God has answered you even before you asked. Um, god answered you 2000 years ago on the cross, where he got on the cross and he shouted I love you, to you, um, and you don't have to get over this thing that you feel like is separating you from God, because he's put that in the grave and he has reconciled himself to you and you can just say thank you and live in the truth of that.
Speaker 1:Eliana, you're a testimony to all of us. I love your zeal for the gospel and I just think we're going to be seeing more and more lives change because you're a light and people are seeing your good works and they're glorifying your father in heaven. So thank you so much for coming on and telling your story. I think the best is yet to come. It's just going to be more life, more good works, more shining, more testimonies, because you've been set free. So thank you so much.
Speaker 2:Praise God. Yeah, no, I'm delighted to tell his faithfulness to me and I know, like this is something that I wrote right after I got free, like for the first time this is sticking because it does not rely on my faithfulness, it is based and rooted and planted in His faithfulness. So to anybody who's listening like, god is faithful and he is good and we get to believe and receive. So thanks, rich, for what you do here too. Absolutely, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. If you've been living with shame, guilt, condemnation, then this prayer is for you, father. The guilt has been too heavy, the shame has been too much to bear, but you promised to trade with us that your yoke is easy and that your burden is light. And so, in your Jesus's name, thank you for releasing me from the shame and from the guilt, and that I stand now before you holy, blameless and above reproach, in Jesus's name, amen. Listen the dusty boys. They meet on Fridays. It's a live podcast. It's awesome. Text dusty boys to 808-204-4372. We want you to be a part of this community. It's the best. 808-408-204-4372. Vibe with the Dusty Boys. I love y'all and I appreciate y'all. Bye.