Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#196 Ashton Artiga: Healing the Past Discovering the Future
A transformative journey of healing unfolds as Ashton shares her powerful story of overcoming worthlessness, trauma, and addiction through the gospel. She reveals how her childhood struggles shaped her identity and the lies she battled until she discovered her true worth in Christ. Their exploration of Karlo's addiction catalyzed profound healing for both of them, emphasizing the importance of community and the redemptive power of God.
- Exploring feelings of worthlessness from a young age
- Navigating childhood trauma, instability, and responsibility
- The impact of performance anxiety in adolescence
- The pivotal moment of confronting suicidal thoughts
- Discovering truth in God’s Word amid chaos
- Embracing a new identity as a daughter of Christ
- Understanding the transformative power of the gospel
8:00 - Family History and Spiritual Journey
14:50 - Navigating Childhood Trauma and Faith
30:24 - Journey to Healing and Stability
47:08 - Struggles With Identity and Faith
58:16 - Personal Struggles and Healing Journey
1:11:41 - Cycle of Striving for Validation
1:15:28 - Navigating Relationship Trauma and Self-Identity
1:25:01 - Struggle With Self-Identity and Desires
1:37:02 - Navigating Dating and Marriage Journey
1:41:37 - Rediscovering Faith and Marriage Struggles
1:48:09 - Journey of Healing and Redemption
1:59:27 - Discovering Truth and Peace in Faith
2:05:41 - Embracing New Identity and Freedom
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:And I remember they gave me a trash bag and they told me to go into a room and there is piles and piles of clothes. And I remember them telling me now go and pick some clothes that would fit you and put them in this trash bag. And I remember I was given like a stuffed animal that I could take with me and I just remember feeling like worthless. Like.
Speaker 2:I remember thinking like this is all that, I am just trash. Like I, this is all who I am now. Like I'm not worthy of like a backpack or just a trash bag. And so that thought stuck in my head for a long time in my mind. I'm not worthy of like a backpack or just a trash bag. And so that thought stuck in my head for a long time in my mind as I got older.
Speaker 1:Of like yeah, that lie that I'm not worthy or enough. Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my sister, ashton, and it has been a pleasure doing life with Ashton for the last, I think, around 18 months. We got to know each other and just to see her energy, her growth. There's a lot of her story that she didn't share in this episode, which she's going to share in some episodes coming up, and this one it is.
Speaker 1:I'll be honest, it's a little heavy. There was some sadness, there was some hurt, there was some pain, and Ashton explains it. But knowing where God has taken her, how he has revealed to her his heart, it's so beautiful and I think that you're going to appreciate this episode, knowing her and seeing how God has just loved on her, and so there will be more Ashton in the future. This is just the beginning of how God has just broken through, and so this is Ashton Buckle up, strap in Not for little ears, love y'all, appreciate y'all. All right, we've been waiting. I don't know how long it's been 18 months, 20 months, something like that, right.
Speaker 1:Something like that and we've been waiting. And this is I'm excited because I get to record a podcast with you're a friend. It's not like someone that I just met and it's just like, oh, just come on the podcast. No, we've been hanging out for a while now, only in person, for maybe three days, like I only. I think I've been around you in person for a total of two and a half hours.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But, uh, on the internet. We've spent quite a bit of time in in Bible studies and and in different groups, and so it is so much fun and I'm just excited to have Ashton on. Ashton, how are you doing? How are you feeling? Are you excited to? What are you excited to share about this afternoon?
Speaker 2:I'm just excited to share what God's done in my life. I've been quiet for a while and God's been really impressing upon me of it's time to start speaking, so I'm excited to be here. You're welcome, Rich.
Speaker 1:Totally worth it. This has been, yeah, the one that got away, but you didn't get away today. So, ashton, did you grow up in Christianity?
Speaker 2:So yes, Let me try to my parents. They both were Christians. They were both part of the Adventist denomination. My mom she wasn't so much a part of a denomination as I got older, but she was Christian. My dad was Christian. My stepmom was Christian, but kind of dibble-dabbled into like new age and then, growing up with my grandparents, they raised me. They were Christian, they are Christian. So Christianity has been something that I'm familiar with my entire life. The way it looked like may have been a little different at different times, but God wasn't foreign to me at any time in my life.
Speaker 1:Where'd your folks link up?
Speaker 2:They met in middle school. My dad was two years older than my mom and his brother was, I think is a year or two older than my dad's age. But they met in elementary school. They went to high school together. They became childhood sweethearts Typical on and off relationship.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like he jumped off the teeter-totter when she was in the air. She got mad.
Speaker 2:I don't know, maybe something like that, but my mom was very close to my grandparents, my dad's parents Her adoptive parents were a lot older when they adopted her. Adoptive parents were a lot older when they adopted her and they didn't spend as much time with her one-on-one, I think also just because of the age gap too. They were already, I think, in their 50s or 60s by the time they adopted her. So they adopted her later in life. Yeah, and so my dad went off. When he graduated from high school, they both went to New Ray Park Adventist Academy. Um, my dad didn't finish. He went to a public school his senior year, um, but then when they both were out of high school, my dad went off to. He became a Navy SEAL. So he went off to boot camp and all that stuff and they got married early on. My mom was about 21. My dad 22, 23. So they got married pretty young. They didn't have me until like 10 years later.
Speaker 1:I'm going to guess you came around 1997. Yes, that's pretty good.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's pretty good. Yes, it was pretty good. That was right on the spot too.
Speaker 1:Man, I'm going to guess March.
Speaker 2:Close February.
Speaker 1:Oh man, okay, Close. February 97 rolls around. I was in the seventh grade and you were born in Southern California, though.
Speaker 2:Yes, yes, I was born at the Navy base in San Diego. Oh, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, navy hospital.
Speaker 1:All right. So, like you were saying, your dad and mom both kind of religious. You grew up with an understanding of God when, yeah, who was he growing up?
Speaker 2:That's an interesting question For me. I knew that God was good. I knew he was like my creator. He was like my creator. I just knew that there was somebody in control of everything that created. He was for good. But I didn't have I wasn't aware of, like a personal relationship. I just knew God was good and that he had good plans for me.
Speaker 2:Growing up, my parents from the time, by the time I was three or four, my parents got a divorce and then my mom was very sick. She had autoimmune diseases, she had juvenile diabetes, lupus, thyroid issues, and so growing up I saw her in the hospital a lot and so it wasn't foreign for me to have to call the hospital, call the ambulance to come and get her. At a very young age, especially when they split, I kind of became her provider, kind of her caretaker at a very young age, um, and my dad, on the other hand, he didn't talk about God, um, but there's aspects of what she did, but he didn't. At the same time and I'll explain that a little bit later of how I realized that later on in life but my um, for me, I just recognized that there was someone looking out for me. I just I just didn't know how. I didn't know. I knew prayer. I went to a Lutheran elementary school. My mom I just remember her always encouraging me or reminding me you know, god has a plan for you, um, and just always remember the verse in Jeremiah Um, and she always instilled that. So, even though we didn't talk about God all the time, we didn't having a Bible open in our home wasn't a thing, we didn't attend church regularly, um, I knew there was someone that created me and that was God, and that I know he loved me. I just didn't have that connection. I didn't know or was aware that you could have a personal connection.
Speaker 2:Now, my parents, when they got divorced when I was three or four. My dad got remarried to my stepmom about a year and a half later, a year later, and my stepmom was heavy into new age. So at a very young age I understood what good and evil was, and by that I mean looking back. I understand what I was. I could see spiritual warfare happening. My stepmom was very into going to like psychic conventions, like someone reading your palms and having crystals in the home, and, um, during this time my dad was also, uh, going overseas. Uh, so he served for 20 years as a Navy SEAL and, um, after his 20 years uh, he ended up retiring and then he ended up going in back in as a special agent. But he worked for Blackwater. They did a lot of private contracting for the government, protecting politicians and whatnot and officials.
Speaker 2:And during those young years there was a very I could see good and evil literally playing out before my eyes every day, and when I was younger and I would explain it or share with people, they thought that I was crazy. And so, like I understand now that that was spiritual warfare, that there was an evil presence in the home. I saw things, I heard things. I remember like my stepmom would do things in the home like burning incense and repeating things, and so I saw that happening. And then I would go to my mom's house because they had an agreement where every other day I was with the other parent. So there was a lot of moving. A lot of stability was not in my vocabulary. From like early till I was like nine years old, it was just nonstop moving, nonstop of you're at this home one day, the next day you're at the other parents home, always like conflict. If you forget something, um, there's always, you know, tension with that um, but when I would go to my mom, my mom would always instill like god, there is someone that loves you and he has a plan, and so that from a very early age I had and during those years, even though I was really young, I remember quite a bit of it, my dad. Unfortunately, he struggled a lot with PTSD, with substance abuse. Things that he experienced as an ABCO really hindered him. It took a toll on him and also, I think, coming from a religious background and then walking away from it, my dad knew the Bible really well. He was, I believe, a class, wanted to be class pastor, was class pastor when he was in elementary. He was on fire for God as a little kid and then he went in high school, got with the wrong friends and his and I don't know his journey was different and so growing up he didn't share with me quite directly like God is good, or he never said God was evil either. He just didn't talk about God and my stepmom. It was more of like new age. So my idea of what Christianity looked like was a little bit confused Because, like you're seeing trauma, you're seeing things happening in front of you.
Speaker 2:You have a mom that's constantly in and out of the hospital. You have your, your father and your stepmother. There's a lot of violence, a lot of abuse between the two of them. They both had their own traumas. My stepmom had a lot of trauma from her own childhood that wasn't dealt with. She had never had kids and she was a little bit older than my dad and so taking on a child very young was was a new transition for her. And I mean, there's no manual of how to raise a kid. You kind of just learn.
Speaker 2:And I, looking back, I can see she struggled and she did the best and I think it was weird like I, looking back, I remember little Ashton having like a lot of compassion for her and my dad and my mom of like they're not bad people, they just have a lot of hurt themselves and they're going through a lot. So I I already knew that as a child. So I it's what kept me going at times, I guess of like God has a plan, like it's all going to work out. I just don't know how it is. But right now my, my purpose here is is to be a kid but also love on them. But that also ended up with me kind of no, actually becoming like a mediator at times for for all of them, where if my mom she would need like emergency help and and I would be the one that would have to call when she would go into like a seizure, or with my dad and my stepmom when it would be a bad fight that was happening and by fights I mean like glass hitting the walls and screaming, and knives and guns and all the other different types of things happening being the mediator either to stop the argument or whatever was happening of. I remember even sitting them down on the couch and I would act as a therapist of like okay, Stephanie, you can speak now. Okay, you can speak.
Speaker 2:And so at a very young age, like by the six, six years old, that was kind of my role for both households. You had to grow up fast. Yeah, I had to grow up real fast. I didn't know how to be a kid, I didn't know how to express emotions, because if I was upset then that meant like how would that trigger them? And then what they tell the other parent? And like there is a lot of conflict between my dad and my mom and my stepmom and it there was a lot, and so, just trying to, I just wanted to keep the peace. So I try to be whatever they needed me to be in order to keep the peace.
Speaker 2:And those earlier years were difficult because I remember my dad when he would go overseas, my stepmom would actually be the one she would be raising me 50% of the time and when he would go over with Blackwater, those moments weren't so bad. We had some good moments. But I had to become older. So even the way like I would talk to her at a young, like seven or eight, I was acting like a teenager with her, like she was my best friend because that's what she needed and I didn't know how to be a kid, because that's what she needed and I didn't know how to be a kid. Yeah, and it was just trying to be the mediator and keep the peace.
Speaker 2:And my dad he would often have to come back home. They would send him back and he would go into rehab because he needed help and he wasn't. He wasn't doing well overseas, but it was this vicious cycle of like he comes, he goes back, he comes, and then it just plays out at home as well. And I know that was very difficult for for him not being able to control like his home life, where I know for him, home life, where I know for him. I think for him personally, he felt more at peace overseas or fighting for a country. That's when he could just be himself. Like that's where the most peace was, ironically, because when he came home he didn't know how to be a civilian. He didn't know how to be just a father or son or husband.
Speaker 2:So my picture of God was a little bit all over the place. I just knew this person loved me and I knew that he had good plans for me, because that's what my mom kept telling me over and, over and over again, and she would tell me every time she was in the hospital. Like just that one verse, that was the only verse, and she made sure that I was in a private school. She wanted to make sure that I was receiving the word one way or another and I didn't. I didn't realize how precious that was when I was younger until I got older. I recognize now why she did that, um, and for that I'm very grateful for.
Speaker 1:So, yeah, yeah, that's, um, that's intense. You're, you didn't really. You weren't allowed to be a child cause you're, you're doing all this, but that childlike faith, that is, that is more than enough. You weren't allowed to be a child because you're doing all this, but that childlike faith, that is more than enough. That is, if we could tap back into that sometimes and be like, oh yeah, well, god has a plan, god loves me, god is good, and set our minds on that. It's so easy, as we get older, to lose that childlike faith and that childlike innocence. So then, where did you end up? You went to private schools, christian schools.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I went to a private Lutheran school up till I was nine years old, and then when I was nine. My mom passed away and a couple of days. Thank you, yeah, I'm. I'm grieving her a lot more as I've gotten older uh, cause I didn't allow myself to grieve in the past. So it's interesting to grieve a parent that you lost so long ago and then, when you finally allow yourself to feel emotions, it's kind of this you're learning.
Speaker 1:So even at nine you were like I can't really be, I've got to be tough.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I, I never crying, getting mad, was not showing expressions like I just smiled, like that was my thing was. As long as you smile, there's no problems. Just smile, make everybody happy. Ashton. Um, yeah, and so when she passed away, it was during a a really rocky like month because there was a lot going on. I remember I had to call the cops a couple of times.
Speaker 2:There was a lot of domestic violence happening and I still can remember like where I called, I used to hide in my closet and things, to close the door to make sure no one could come into my room, um, and I remember that last phone call, which was, it's like, very vivid in my mind still today um, because it was one of the last ones of when I had a call for help and um, right before she passed away, and it was like a sequence of multiple events that happened in a span of like two to three weeks, where multiple things happened and my dad wasn't doing well. He dealt with a lot of PTSD episodes and so when there was alcohol involved and he would have PTSD episode, sometimes he wouldn't, it would last for a week, so it wasn't just like a moment or while he was under the influence. He wasn't himself for a while. And my stepmom, she, she dealt with a lot of aggressiveness as well. She was also abusive in her own way. So it was just, it was just toxic.
Speaker 1:So what is grieving? I'll say this there is like managing emotion doesn't mean repressing emotion. Managing it means you actually think, consider it deeply, Because if you're repressing it it's like the old pushing a ball down to the bottom of a pool, like one of those beach balls the further you push it down, the higher it's going to pop up. And I remember a great friend of mine I don't think he would mind me telling you this story His name's Buell. He his daughter, passed when she was maybe four. His daughter passed when she was maybe four and he had big time depression years afterwards because he didn't actually allow himself to grieve. He's a military guy and because of, you know, John Wayne and that way of being an American man, he just kind of repressed his emotions and that led to, you know, the ball coming out of the pool. How do you find yourself now grieving for your mom? Emotions. And that led to, you know, the the ball coming out of the pool.
Speaker 2:Um, how do you find yourself now grieving for your mom? Um that's, I actually don't really know cause I'm in a season of grieving my dad as well.
Speaker 2:So I think I've allowed myself to start remembering more memories of her and, like, when they pop up, I don't suppress them, and allowing myself to have that safe space of remembering it and then sharing it with somebody. So, like the little things, like her favorite flower was sunflowers, things like her favorite flower was sunflowers. So whenever I think of sunflowers, I I share that with somebody. Or if it's a memory, I share it with Carlo. Um, not being afraid to mention her name or even think about her life and her journey. Um, because for years, like after she died, I didn't talk about her. I did not talk about her from I was nine till I went to college. It was like.
Speaker 2:I put her in a box and I didn't speak about her, I just went on to the next thing. And so college, I started talking a little bit more about her and then I suppressed it again because I didn't want to feel the sadness. And then I want to see what I was walking. I started walking in freedom. That's when I started realizing that I didn't have, I hadn't been expressing my true emotions like the rooted sadness of losing her Cause.
Speaker 2:there's been so many things that have happened since then that she hasn't been a part of, and like big moments, like getting married and and all those little things um, that I didn't. I wasn't present, I was just always been. Put a smile on your face, perform. Get to the next thing. You don't want anybody to be uncomfortable, you don't want anybody to be sad, so just don't talk about it. Like it's better for everybody if you don't talk about it.
Speaker 1:You know from from your mom's life, from what you're telling me, when she, when you were alive, seems like there's just a lot of sickness, right, a lot of hospitalization.
Speaker 1:Think about it like this we oftentimes think that death is an interruption of life, like life is going on and then death comes and interrupts it.
Speaker 1:But on this side, and looking through the lens of freedom, this life that she was born into, that had sickness and pain and death, that was an interruption of life Because before the foundation of the world, she was set aside to be holy and blameless, like who she was always meant to be, like sickness and pain, and none of these things were ever supposed to be a part of her equation, but they were. So on the on the front side, not. And then there's this interruption, and now she has passed, and on the other side, it's just going to be everlasting life, right, and so her life on earth, with that body that was um, hurt by sin, that was the interruption. And then the next time we see her, yeah, it's just eternal life, new body, not infected with sin, yeah, and so in that way I mean, we miss them, we love them, but we can think about a different, like oh yeah, her pain was interrupted and soon she will have that new body. I don't know, that gives me some peace.
Speaker 2:No, that gives me peace, a lot of peace, cause she, like, from the day she was born, she struggled Like there wasn't. There wasn't a day when she wasn't suffering. But before they got married, she, 21 years old, she went into a coma. She just stare out for dinner and she fell right. Her face ran into her dinner and it was just a cycle for her. So she didn't have peace when it came to like her body physically. And I, looking back, I recognize that she wanted me not to focus, like on your circumstance, like how I'm doing physically, but she wanted me to focus on on God, his plans for me. That's what she wanted me to focus on. Um, because through everything that was the one thing I remember the most was love, like she made sure that I knew that I was loved Like the one person I knew, like during those years, like I knew my mom loved me.
Speaker 2:She made sure every moment tell me and then that God had a plan for me.
Speaker 1:Um yeah, so so then, from nine to college. What kind of school were you going to then?
Speaker 2:Um, so when I, when she passed away, when I was nine, about, I think, a day or two later, I was put into foster care. Um, and yeah, that's. I think that's when I started hearing a lot more lies, that kind of became really rooted within me for a long time. The performance one was there from the very beginning. But there is a moment when so when they pick you up CPS, they pick you up from wherever location and from me with school, and I remember they took me to this ranch wherever location. It for me was school.
Speaker 2:And I remember they took me to this ranch and I remember like it just looked like a ranch from the beginning, like the wood fence and, you see, like whatever the title of the place is up in the air, being held up by the sign. But I remember one of the buildings is a home and they had me go in and they had dinner for us and there's other kids that were there. And I remember they gave me a trash bag and they told me to go into a room and there is piles and piles of clothes. And I remember them telling me now go and pick some clothes that would fit you and put them in this trash bag and I remember I was given like a stuffed animal that I could take with me and I just remember feeling like worthless. Like.
Speaker 2:I remember thinking, like this is all that, I am just trash. Like I, this is all who I am now, like I'm not worthy of, like a backpack or or just a trash bag. And so that thought stuck in my, my head for a long time. My mind, um, as I got older, of like, yeah, that lie, that I'm not worthy, or enough Um, and so afterwards, um, they. Or enough Um, and so afterwards, um, they. I ended up being placed with the family for about a month or two. Um, but I wasn't.
Speaker 2:I wasn't coping well with my mom's death, like I was again. I wasn't talking about her, I was nine years old and I kind of just went from. Well, this is my reality. I'm now with this new family, so I need to now fit the mold and do everything I can to please them so that they'll want to keep me. Um, and so they were a nice couple. I was very fortunate they were older, they had a newborn there, um, but I wasn't coping well.
Speaker 2:And that's when the court decided that I should go live with my grandparents, my dad's parents, my mom's parents. Both of them had passed away before she passed away. So her father actually passed away about a year before her death, and so there wasn't really any family on her side that I knew of. But the court decided for me that I needed to be with relatives so I could cope and grieve, and so I went to go with my dad's parents. They were my foster parents for about two years and during those two years I went to Caneo Adventist Elementary School where my dad and my mom went. So it was like a cycle, like a circle, yeah, and so I went there. I was shocked of what home life looks like. Like. Wow, we eat dinner together, we pray, we. There's no yelling, there's no arguing. It was was. It was night and day for me, like I.
Speaker 2:I was so ready to like leave in a moment's notice, um, but I was also very afraid of everything, um, so my grandparents my grandparents are about 60, early 60s when they took me in and that's not easy taking in a nine-year-old who has severe anxiety, afraid of everything, like working through a lot of trauma and the dynamic itself was a little complex just because their son is my father. So that brought another dynamic to it. Um, so that brought another dynamic to it. Um, but I went to Canoe Adventist Elementary School for those two years, um, by the end of my fifth grade year, I ended up going back to live with my dad and my stepmom, um, and during those two years it was a lot of.
Speaker 2:It wasn't supposed to be permanent, so it was just, you know, let her work on her healing her trauma and whatnot, and let her dad and David get, you know, get the help that he needs to be a better father, better husband, to heal himself. And so he was doing his stuff, I was doing mine. Even though it was the most stable and most loving experience I had, I every week was filled with. I had my own therapist, I had a therapist with my grandparents, I had a therapist with me and my dad, I had a social worker and I had a lawyer. So every single month and every single week I had multiple meetings.
Speaker 2:So, even though I had the opportunity to be a kid. People at school, like the other kids, are like oh, she's on the basketball team, oh, she's in band and whatnot, she's thriving. No one really knew that, like behind closed doors when I went home, like I had to work on stuff. It was exhausting and it was hard. So I never felt like I could just truly be a kid and I didn't share that life with people at school. So, like my friends didn't know. So I always felt like I had this like double life kind of in a way, cause I wasn't sharing everything that was going on.
Speaker 1:Was the therapy helpful. Um.
Speaker 2:I for the most part, yes. Um, I think some of it felt like I just had to keep repeating like memories that I had, or I don't know, sometimes it did. I had started going to therapy when I was about four or five, so I had already kind of been used to talking to an adult and, looking back on it, I was also seeing a social worker before my mom died. I was also seeing a social worker before my mom died. So, before even understanding that, I was in therapy at a very young age I was in therapy, so it wasn't foreign for me. But I just felt like I was tired of sharing the same stories over and over again. Right.
Speaker 2:Cause I didn't cause. I went through a period of like, who trusts me? Who thinks I'm crazy? Who who believes me and thinks I'm crazy? Who who believes me? And and there was people that didn't believe me. Some people thought that, oh, she's just making up wild stories, or and that was something that I had to face at a very young age of no, like I remember clear details, like I'm not crazy, I'm not looking for attention, like I'm, you're not listening to me. And so I guess from that experience I started becoming more quieter of I'm sharing, you're asking me to share, but you're not listening and you don't believe me.
Speaker 2:And that summer of my fifth grade, after fifth grade, during the summer, I went to go with my dad and my stepmom again, and it was to be permanent this time, and it was really hard for me because I grew really close to my grandparents. They it wasn't easy on them, they they had their own struggles, their own trials. Um, but I felt safe, and by safe I mean I. The first year, I would say about a year. I would sleep in my own room, but I would leave my room and go sleep on the floor of my grandma's because I was afraid of the dark. I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid of hallways. I was afraid of, like, sudden noises, the phone ringing, um loud voices. So I I was constantly on edge and that first year it was like I was learning like this is not how it is everywhere. Like you're safe here. Like you, you don't have to be afraid, you don't have to run in a moment's notice. Um, and that was something that I was used to, um, in both households, that's what I was used to. So I was learning that you can sleep in a bed and go to sleep and wake up and nothing happened during the night. Like you didn't. There was nothing to be afraid of of the dark.
Speaker 2:Um, and with my grandpa, it took me a long time. My relationship with like men was really hard as well. Um, I didn't feel comfortable around men for a very long time, and my grandpa was the first person. I didn't feel comfortable around men for a very long time, and my grandpa was the first person I didn't feel comfortable like 100% comfortable, like being alone with him, until I was like 17. And that was just because of a lot of things I experienced when I was younger.
Speaker 2:I experienced being abused by a family friend, um, and that just it was difficult for me and just seeing the trauma in front of me growing up in the different experiences I had, um it again, it just made like, if're stronger, that means I need to be like away from you, like I can't trust you, like I need to just protect myself. But I was very protective of my women. So, like my grandma, like I was very protective of her Because I always felt like, even with my mom, that I had to like protect her, like there was no one protecting her. And so during those two years, during the summer, I went back to live with my dad and, um, unfortunately it didn't go well. Uh, it's a summer that I've I've never really shared with anybody in full detail of, like what happened, but it was one of the hardest um summers of my life, or time periods, I think, as a child.
Speaker 2:A lot happened. I can see now that the enemy was working very intensely in the home. Just the dynamics and different things that were happening that I knew wasn't my dad and I knew wasn't my stepmom either.
Speaker 2:I knew that they were good people. They just didn't know how to handle certain situations and whatnot. But that summer, unfortunately, my dad wasn't able to continue raising me, or my stepmom, and so I went back to the same school that I was picked up from two years prior. I was at that school probably the first week of school and I got picked up from CPS again my social worker. She picked me up and this time it was different. She came in, I was in the school office and she was like Ashton, are you ready to go home? And I knew when she said, are you ready to go home? What that meant.
Speaker 2:I knew I was going home to grandma and grandpa, because that summer even she didn't believe me that things were happening. And even me collecting like evidence, like I had to become like a detective to like state my case, um, and it took, like it felt like a lifetime, um, but in those three months, like I knew very clearly at 11 years old, I was like if I here, I am not going to live long. Like.
Speaker 2:I am already depressed. I like, I like I already know, like it's not, this isn't it. I got to get out of here, um, and I was only 11. And so, uh, her coming to get me and finally like saying, ash, are you ready to go home? I knew what that meant and I remember she apologized to me for not protecting me or advocating for me and I remember I was like, how did I even do this? But I was like, it's okay, we all make mistakes. Can I go home now? So that was like my mentality, like as a child, like I just I knew people made mistakes and I knew they didn't mean to. They just they did bad things or they didn't mean to hurt me, but they did. But I just wanted to like. But I just wanted to like peace, wanted to go home, yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I ended up going back to my grandparents. They became my legal guardians that January and then they raised me as my legal guardians. They never adopted me because they wanted my dad to make sure he knew that he still was my father. They never wanted my dad to feel like he didn't have that access to me. So the door was always open. You can come see her. You can have that relationship. You're still her father. We're just raising her, we're helping her father. We're just raising her, we're helping. Unfortunately, the last time I saw my dad for a long time was when I was 11 and the day he took me to school and I was picked up from my social worker and taken back to the ranch from my grandparents to pick me up to become a legal guard.
Speaker 1:That was the last time you spent any amount of time with him.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was the last time, um, until I was 19. I didn't see him again until I was 19. Um, and it wasn't that I didn't want to see him, I didn't. It wasn't that I didn't want a relationship, um, it just, it just didn't work out. And when I was during those two years, I did see him quite a bit. He would come up and visit, so he came to my Christmas concerts and there was really good moments. But after the second time, when my grandparents took me as my legal guardians, he just I didn't see him and that was really hard because I felt like, from those years on, from like 11, 12 years old, throughout high school, it Again, I put even my dad and my stepmom in a box.
Speaker 2:I put my mom in a box. I didn't talk about either one of them. I didn't talk about my past for Newberry Park Academy for many years. So my grandparents they worked for the different academies and so at Newberry I didn't speak about my story, I didn't share anything, I was just quiet. I was just Mr and Mrs Hardin's granddaughter. She's being raised by her grandparents and that was it. And I just didn't engage in conversations, even when, like little kids would ask me questions like, oh, like when's your mom or dad coming back? I'm like, oh, they're on vacation, so I would just like completely not not talk about it. Um, and looking back, that that wasn't healthy at all.
Speaker 2:Uh, I was really depressed in high school. Um, I was super involved. Um, I was involved in everything, even from junior high to high school. I was probably the person that was always the one giving you a smile or trying to help, but inside I was internally dying. Yeah, I was just really, really sad and I couldn't show it.
Speaker 2:And when I would show emotion, people were like, oh, ashton looks sad today or she's mad, and it was foreign for people. So it was foreign for people. So when I showed emotion that wasn't happy or smiling Ashton, um, it made them uncomfortable and I didn't like making people uncomfortable. Um, so I just kept smiling through the pain and, yeah, it was very difficult because it just I, even though I had friends, I also experienced being bullied in high school. Um, I also experienced being the one like being nice to your bullies. It's weird Like I would put like cards in people's lockers, like if I saw someone was sad, like I would write an anonymous card and I would put it in their locker, I would sneak a note in their backpack. Um, because I just didn't want anyone else to feel as sad as I felt or alone, because I knew what that felt like.
Speaker 1:Um, yeah, it's a sad, sad podcast alert.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was pretty sad, Like wait, no, I don't think anybody knew. Like I just didn't cry, I didn't, I didn't talk about anything, I just was go, go, go with you. I guess also like during that time I watched how my grandma interacted with the students because she was the registrar and international student liaison and so the students loved her. Like there. Occasionally there were students that didn't like her or you know more of like ah, you're telling her what to do or whatnot.
Speaker 2:But I saw how open my grandparents were to like other students and other kids and for them, like, when my grandpa retired from his old job he started working at Newberry Park Academy as a maintenance slash janitor, so he like helped keep the grounds clean and he had student workers and I saw firsthand of like, like Jesus, like through both of them, like their love, like they and my grandpa just a visual visual. He looks like santa claus, he looks like santa claus, so it, but like a think of, like a southern like always wears like a country tee, something with fishing, with his belt, with a bunch of keys, like riding his truck, like that's just who he was and is. And my grandma like they both never closed their doors to any student. Like students always knew and this was something that they did early on in their marriage when they were at the different academies Students always knew that they could come to their home, like no questions asked. The door was always open. If you need the couch, you could sleep on the couch for the night. If you need us to pick you up, we'll be there in instant.
Speaker 2:And so I saw that mentorship. I saw it, as you know, as a little kid, like watching them, and then in junior high and in high school, I just I wanted to be like that, like I wanted to show love, like that unconditional love, like no matter what. Yeah, so I was really seeing Jesus through them was very powerful for me and had like a huge impact on like just my course in life, I guess as well, and being very giving. And so, from Newberry I didn't graduate from Newberry, I actually left at the end of my junior year. My grandma retired and so we moved to the high desert, and so we moved to the high desert, I went to a new school, moved to the high desert, I went to a new school and that year was probably the first year that I felt like I could just be me, like I.
Speaker 2:It was so interesting because at Newberry I had a great experience, but I also had I had some bad. Sure, I made my own mistakes, I got hurt. There's a lot of different things, but one thing that I didn't experience was being able to have my walls down and just be Ashton. I was always known as, oh you know, the Hardin's granddaughter or Joan and David's daughter when people that graduated I knew my parents, I was always being compared to somebody. So going to an environment where I could just be myself was very healing. Um, and I blossomed. I gotten involved in like different things I wouldn't have earlier on. Um, and I guess I just realized that like, oh yeah, like I am cool, like people do like me just for who I am. Like I'm not in a good mood today, like I'm crying, but it's okay. So like that was my first like experience of I didn't have to smile all the time. So like, even if I had off days, those same people still like got to know me as Ashton. Like there wasn't an expectation Cause I didn't think much of myself, especially in high school, and so that senior year kind of gave me a little bit of more confidence.
Speaker 2:I went to another Christian school. I was I forgot what denomination it was, but it was a Sunday church school. I was I forgot what denomination it was, but it was a Sunday church school. But yeah, I have had a lot of good memories at that school and just growing and getting involved in ministry. That was an area that I had never gotten involved in before and so doing like helping out leading on worship or or speaking for chapel, um, I recognize that like I really enjoyed it, like this is something I want to continue doing and so when I went, when I graduated, I ended up going to La Sierra, um, for college.
Speaker 1:Shout out to La Sierra. That's where my parents met.
Speaker 2:Awesome La Sierra.
Speaker 1:Riverside, california. Yes, what was your major? What?
Speaker 2:were you going to do with your life? Uh, so my I started out as uh business management with english literature, creative writing with pre-law, um, I, what did you want?
Speaker 1:to be a lawyer? You wanted to be a lawyer.
Speaker 2:Then I wanted to be a lawyer, um or something.
Speaker 1:English literature Like you like to read or something.
Speaker 2:I liked words, I loved reading, I loved writing, um yeah, and so I thought that was going to work out, and I think by my second year I dropped English Lit. I just did business with pre-law, yeah. Okay. Yeah, so yeah, la Sierra super involved. But again I started that cycle again of go go, go performance, trying to be whatever everybody else?
Speaker 1:Were you living on campus or were you off? Were you village?
Speaker 2:I was living on campus. I always lived in the dorms, so I my first job there was working in the library. I worked at the library, then I worked at the front desk. So as a CSR, so doing those graveyard shifts from like midnight to 6 am in the morning, shout out to one of the girls.
Speaker 2:Storm, yes, rough. So I did that. That job I did almost every summer so I could stay on campus. I didn't move back at home really ever. So when I left for college like I left, I'm left and lived in the call in the dorms, um where were you going to church those years? So when I would go to church, it would be La Sierra university, um, but I actually didn't really go to church the entire time I was there. Uh, yeah I, I would go mainly when I would go home to see my grandparents.
Speaker 1:I would go to church, um was that something like I'm done with church, or was that just like I don't want to go?
Speaker 2:No, I, I was really involved and so I started helping out with the Friday night Vespers and then I would serve like prepping all day and then get done at like midnight. And I was just exhausted by the time. Like Sabbath came around and I just I didn't feel connected to the church already, even though a lot of people went there. I just didn't feel like I went there. I just didn't feel like I belonged Um and so I just didn't go Um and I just rested that day and then I just took advantage of just sleeping majority of the time and that way on Sunday I could do my homework Um, but if I was home with my grandparents I would go to church on Saturday. Yeah, so my first year I was heavily involved. Second year, heavily involved. But the church cycle really stopped when I became a student chaplain and so I was a ministry director for the Friday Night Vespers on uh for that year and that took a big toll like uh, emotionally and I think also physically, just because I was also.
Speaker 2:I was in a capacity that I never thought I would ever be in Um, I never thought it was good enough to do ministry. So, like when I was at Newberry, I always wanted to do campus ministry but I didn't feel like I belonged or like, oh, like you're not good enough, oh, like you can't do that. So, like anything with ministry to it, I just like, oh no. And then I got, I started volunteering my freshman year and I don't know Pastor Sam, pastor Donovan, that were there, they were the chaplains during the time they were creating this new program for student chaplains and they asked me to be the student chaplain for the Friday Night Vespers to join the campus life, a spiritual life department.
Speaker 2:And that was kind of a shocker for me because, like I don't know the Bible that well, I do not have experience in ministry, and the two people that are helping me run this ministry they know more about ministry than I do. Like they've gone to Sabbath school their whole life. They know music, they know more about ministry than I do. Like they've gone to Sabbath school their whole life, they know music, they know. And I was being asked to do something that was completely for me foreign, like I did not think I was qualified, and so that was a very it was a learning curve year. I was also dealing with the death of my stepmom. My stepmom passed away from breast cancer that summer, so I was 19. I was working up at summer camp and we had a lot of losses that year.
Speaker 2:Family friends, like within weeks, multiple family members, um, multiple family members, uh, and it was rough, uh, because I didn't my my relationship with my stepmom I hadn't seen her since I was 11 and so, like that closure, like I still viewed her as like a second mom because she raised me by the time my dad wasn't around. So it was like no, she, she impacted my life, like I learned things from her, like good things too, and so I didn't grieve her death, grieve her death either, and so that I put in a box of like, well, I'm not going to deal with that. And then I also got really sick. That summer I started going to the doctors and we found out that I had a Hashimoto and autoimmune disease and I had borderline lupus, um, and so that was like another thing that I had to deal with that I didn't know how to deal with and I didn't want to deal with it, which I didn't, and that only that, only uh, and that only caused more problems in the future.
Speaker 2:So while I'm doing ministry, trying to lead, I'm slowly dying inside. I was really depressed hearing a lot of lies from the enemy. Didn't realize they were the lies from the enemy, thought they were my own thoughts, thought I was causing all these things. My body is physically going haywire. And one lie that I kept hearing was like you're just going to be like your mom, like you're not going to live long.
Speaker 2:And so there is this lie that kept festering. That was like you're only meant to serve and to give and make everybody happy and share God's love with them, but you're going to endure all these things at any expense. So, like you're, this is yeah, this is just all part of it, ashton, and so like. Whenever somebody said the phrase like God only gives you enough that he knows you can handle, for me it was like oh so God. God wants me to suffer. God wanted me to go through all my past. God wants me to go through what I'm, the trauma that I'm going through right now and navigating, like my dad being reintroduced into my life, my stepmom passing away, growing up, as difficult as it is those ages are tough.
Speaker 2:Um, so like the lie of like oh, you're not gonna live long, like you're like don't plan a future, like just just do as much as you can and and don't. You're not gonna get married. So like I and you're not going to get married, so I didn't think I was going to get married in the future. I didn't plan on having kids in the future. I only saw myself living to my mom's age, like 40 or even 30. And that was a lie that just kept growing and growing and growing.
Speaker 2:And the more my health declined, the worse and louder that that lie was getting. Um by the time, like midway through my sophomore year of college, and I didn't tell people what I was going through. So people only saw like, oh, leader Ashton, you know she's pouring into people Like I had friends but I was not creating like deep connections with people because keeping people from a distance.
Speaker 2:And came January I was still doing English and my English as another major, and I was in a class where we had to read a book every week and it was small books to start first, are like 50 and 50 pages and then just got larger every week. But you had to write a paper on it and I found myself not being able. I would read a chapter and I wouldn't remember it, so I would have to start writing notes on every page. Then it got to the point where I couldn't read a page, I couldn't read a sentence, and so every like line I had to write like this is what this means, this is what this means. And I remember sitting in class and I couldn't even do two plus two without a calculator, Um, and so a lot of people don't know that I had to relearn how to study, had to relearn how to do simple math all over again. My body was deteriorating so much and I wasn't taking my medication correctly. I wasn't stewarding my body in a way that I should.
Speaker 1:You've been living with all this stress for years.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I just like I, yeah, like I couldn't remember like people would talk to me, I wouldn't remember conversations. My roommates in college, they and I may not be close with all of them today, but every single one of them saved my life. Like there is moments where I felt like I was going to pass out, like go into probably a coma, and I did it like they knew somehow. Like she needs sugar, we need, we need to get something for her. Or or she needs, she needs more, we need to get something for her. Or she needs more water, something. But they knew God was using them to help care for me because I did not take care of myself. Student on campus needed something. I would run to them like two o'clock in the morning I would go pick them up. I would answer that that phone call, that just distress phone call, like anything everybody else needed, I was there for them but I wasn't there for myself during those times, and so only a few people knew that I was struggling a lot.
Speaker 2:When it came to my memory and just academically, I was a good student and my grades were dropping because I I failed a class. I had never failed a class before and I failed my math class. Then I already struggled in math as it was. I remember telling my grandparents and I was so nervous, um, but my grandma knew and my grandpa knew they were like I shouldn't, like you're not taking care of yourself, like you, you have, like an autoimmune that needs to be taken care of, um, but you you need to slow down, um. And so I, you know I got things under control, but I still struggled a lot because dealing with a lot of stress, and my dad was being reintroduced into my life again.
Speaker 2:It was that year, too, that I saw him for the first time since I was 11. And the first time I saw him was in a hospital room. He was dealing with a lot of health issues. My dad had a lot of shrapnel in his body from overseas. He had a piece that went to his eye that made him go blind for a bit, and it just a lot, a lot of health issues he struggled with and he was just having an episode that when he would go into a PTSD attack, his whole body shrapnel pieces, would start moving and so it would start going into different organs or trigger something. So he was in the hospital and he wasn't doing good and so my grandparents had gotten reconnected with him and he he put them on like the emergency list and we went down there and it was the first time I had seen him and he's not.
Speaker 2:He wasn't his full right mind, um, heavily sedated, but he was still there. He was going in and out of a of an episode, um, and I remember when he stopped seizing for a bit and he knew that we were all there, um, and he wanted to talk to me and so I was by his bedside, um, and he asked, he, he asked for forgiveness and he was holding his hand and I remember him, um, just sharing of, like ashton, like I'm sorry, I haven't been a good dad, like I didn't protect you your mom would have been disappointed that I wasn't there like I'm sorry, like could you ever forgive me.
Speaker 2:and I remember telling him like dad, like I already forgave you, like a long time ago. Um, and I remember like his like he got really like calm and then like he took a deep breath and then he flatlined like right in front of me, um, and that was like I I was the only one by his bed and my grandparents were against the wall and I, just I was like what, what's happening? And all of a sudden, the nurses are coming in and, and I, I called my uncle and I was like what, what's happening? And all of a sudden, the nurses are coming in and, and I called my uncle and I was, I told him what was going on and they got my, resuscitated my dad.
Speaker 2:but it was like in that moment I had closure, like it was something I just needed to hear all these years that he did love me, because he did tell me he loved me, and being able to tell him that, like I forgave him a long time ago, but him being at peace of knowing that, like she forgave me, like hearing her say it, um, and so that year was very, very traumatizing as well, because I'm like navigating, like, and I was having really bad dreams, like the enemy. I didn't realize it during those years, but I struggled with a lot of nightmares. I would have the same dreams over and over again, um, and it just it got intensified more intensely as the years went of, like my dad and my mom and um, mainly my dad in different scenarios and um managing that and not getting help. Like I didn't go back to therapy Um, I should have, but I didn't. My freshman year they tried to get me back to back to therapy and I did for a bit. I had a really bad panic attack, like during Thanksgiving time. My, my step-mom, my dad, had called me randomly and that was the first time he called me like himself in years and, mind you, like this is years of me emailing and getting no response or calling and not answering the phone, and like he's calling me and they wanted to have Thanksgiving and I didn't have Thanksgiving with them that year Cause I just like, like I haven't seen you, like how do you? Like it's not like a like it's hard, yeah for sure, and yeah. So I just didn't get the help that I needed.
Speaker 2:But I was struggling with a lot with anxiety and panic attacks. My freshman year I had to go to the hospital for it and they told me what it was. They were like yeah, like you, you, you have an anxiety disorder. Um, I remember telling my grandma and I was like, yeah, like I went to the doctor, like, yeah, like, yeah, you've struggled with anxiety. I'm like, why didn't anybody tell me this? I was so mad. It's so.
Speaker 2:Like sophomore year, I'm like well, at least I now know what this is like. Okay, I'm dealing with some stuff, but I didn't get the help and I should have gone home. I should have talked to somebody. Well, at least I now know what this is Like. Okay, I'm dealing with some stuff, but I didn't get the help. And I should have gotten help. I should have talked to somebody and I had chaplains that were checking in on me, like they would mentor me. They'd be one-on-one, but I wasn't. I don't think things just weren't clicking and I just maybe I wasn't in a place fully to accept what I was hearing. I don't know, because there was good things that I was hearing and I had mentors, like God has placed men in my life and it started with my grandpa that have supported and mentored me in every stage of my life, mentored me in every stage of my life and during college.
Speaker 2:Like those two pastors they were I saw them as, like my, my second, second dad, almost a brother, uncle, like they were to me. They were a family and they treated me like family. And so my junior year super involved still going down the same rabbit hole, lies, getting louder, but I still wanted to perform and to be. I didn't realize I was performing at that time, but I wanted to continue to succeed. And like there's that lie of like if you're not going for the next thing on the ladder, like then you're not growing and so want to do more. Like how can I do more? How can I plan the next event to be better than the last time? Or anything I did? I had a top the last time.
Speaker 2:So, anything um. So junior year I was still involved um um in spiritual life. My senior year I was involved in student body um. I was student body president that year um and my body's falling apart.
Speaker 1:I have anxiety attacks. I'm the student body president.
Speaker 2:I failed two classes. Actually by that time I had already failed like two classes and I was taking like extra classes to catch up so I could graduate in four years. Like I had this thing of like you have to graduate in four years, you have to. I put like expectations on myself.
Speaker 1:I'm getting tired hearing about all of your, your gumption. Like you're, you're going for it.
Speaker 2:Uh yeah, like I was just running. I was running, that's literally what it was I was. I was running from my thoughts, from my feelings, from from everything, and I just I was trying to find belonging. I was getting my validation from everyone else. Um, if I made you happy, then that made me think that I was enough or I was wanted.
Speaker 2:So the more I did and the happier you were, the more I wanted to do for you, so the more you would want me around, because I was afraid of abandonment and rejection, I was afraid of being alone, and stability was something I only knew as a child. And so then, like with my grandparents and then going to college, there's just like you're in a foreign territory all over again and it's like what's, what's stable now? Um, so whoever I could keep in my circle, I want to keep as much as possible within these four years, because I know four years I'm gonna be back in another cycle again. The only time that I actually felt comfortable enough to start dating was like those two years my junior, senior year and the guy I dated. My senior year unfortunately wasn't a good experience, and it took me a long time to recognize that it was domestic violence.
Speaker 1:Oh mercy.
Speaker 2:And I didn't tell anybody, like, I just kept it a secret, like, oh, this is just. Maybe I said something, maybe it's my fault, oh, mercy, and the thing is, there was this shame, this guilt, because I had always been the person that could see the red flags in everybody else. I had always been the person that could see the red flags and everybody else. Hey, like, don't date that guy, cause you know X, y and Z. Or hey, you know, like here's some red flags, like so I was good at being able to pick out all these red flags for all different things for everybody else, but when it came to myself, I didn't really have anyone to like call that out for me, and then I just couldn't recognize it in myself. And this individual they were. They knew La Sierra, they knew people. They didn't graduate from La Sierra, but they were part of a non-denominational church, but they were involved in church leadership and they led music and like a bible study, turning into like me, leaving with bruises on my arms.
Speaker 1:Um right, or you're studying, yeah like look at the bible leads to but it was it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it was just. It was rough because I didn't.
Speaker 1:How did you get out of it?
Speaker 2:I don't know. There was this urgency of like. There's different things that were happening and I didn't date this individual for long, but they already wanted to get married like within a month. They already proposed actually, but when I was dumping them they proposed and that was an awkward experience.
Speaker 1:That's never a good. That's not like. I think you and I are over. Oh yeah, well, will you marry me? What do you think is going to happen? They're going to be like okay, I was going to dump you and now we're going to be together forever. I don't know, if it's ever worked.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I just like there's this urgency that I knew, like I looked back in my life of, like things that weren't good, like I don't know, I could see God like revealing to me and during that time, like Ashton, like you need to get out, like there was this urgency that I couldn't understand, but I knew this was wrong. I knew this wasn't healthy, um, and there was situations that happened where, like, he pushed boundaries too far, he crossed lines, um, and that I wasn't okay with. And again, it was another individual that was part of a church and when I was a child, when I was little, like the man that abused me, he was a church elder, and so I felt a lot of guilt afterwards after I walked away, because it was like, ason, like you already experienced this as a child and then again as an adult, like you didn't. Why couldn't you see the signs? Like why, why did you stick with it and so had a lot of lies? I had a lot of, um, negative thoughts that popped up, um, that thought of like, oh, ashton, like you know, wouldn't it just be easier if you would just get in a car accident and you can get hurt for a while and just no one will bother you. So I started having these like hurtful thoughts towards myself. Um, I never wanted to like kill myself, but I definitely wanted to just sleep Like I wanted. I just wanted to rest, like I just tired of going. But I didn't know how to tell people that without sounding crazy, because you know, I had experienced that as a child. Like you share what's really in your mind and people think you're crazy, then they want to put you in the loony house Like, and so I learned to like suppress and be quiet of like things that were really going on.
Speaker 2:Um, and so my senior year was really rough and, um, I I recognize, looking back on my college experience, I had a lot of great opportunities of serving and being able to be there for people, but I also, when you're in that state of moving from scarcity, you hurt people unintentionally, and that was something that took me a long time to to no longer to forgive myself for. Was, ashton, like you didn't mean to hurt people along the way, but you did. Um, but you're forgiven and like you can forgive yourself, cause I've already forgiven you and God's been working on that with me Um, because I I carried a lot of guilt and shame after I left my undergrad just because, like, a lot of people looked up to me and again I was in this role of like, being the mediator for everybody. But I kind of fed off of that of like that's my purpose, playing the savior and it's like that's not my role. Like you, let the Holy Spirit guide and lead us and God will take care of it.
Speaker 2:But no, I was a little ash and needed to fix everything and that was a lot of pressure and a lot of burden on me and I didn't weigh very well. It was very hard. Absolutely.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, but after undergrad I went to work for the church for the conference, one of our conferences here in California, and I never wanted to work for the church, I didn't want to continue, just because I don't know, I just I had already seen a little bit of the politics, uh, being in student body and I was just like no, I don't want to continue this. Um, but you know, god has a funny sense of humor because I had said, like, growing up I was like no, I don't want to work for the church, I don't want to work for this conference and I don't want to work in the education department and I never want to marry a youth pastor. I was very specific, richard, very Like, very. So the very first job I get right out of college is working for a conference in the education department.
Speaker 1:Don't tell me you started dating a youth pastor.
Speaker 2:No, but Carlo was the youth director for his church, so to me it was the same thing.
Speaker 1:God didn't listen, he wasn't listening.
Speaker 2:God was just like no, you're funny, ha ha, uh yeah. So I, I struggled because I was in a place where I didn't want to be, but I knew god put me there. And um, a lot of growing, a lot of, uh yeah, it was rough.
Speaker 1:so I thought college is rough the next couple of years and the theme it's just it's just been rough. Senior year was rough, First year out rough.
Speaker 2:It just it got a lot worse because you graduated in 19?.
Speaker 2:I graduated in 19. Pandemic was 2020. And I, during that time, I was struggling with the thought of being abandoned, like you're, in a season where I didn't move home, back home with my grandparents I moved to an apartment with some other girls and then I got a job, relocated and then I was living with my roommate. And then, like you're navigating life like you're trying to figure out everything and you're navigating life Like you're, you're trying to figure out everything and you're also trying to understand yourself, and I wasn't in a healthy place. I could have been a better roommate, I could have been a better friend and, um, we were, we were both struggling in different ways. And, um, when 2020 came around, and like right before COVID, one thing that I was struggling with was, you know, everyone wanted me to be, or thought of me as like goody, good tissues, like she's always been the good child, like, so, whenever I got in trouble or I made a mistake, I like it crushed me because I there is this like idea of who Ashton is or was, and it's like no, like can't I make a mistake? But it was like Ashton can't make a mistake, like she's the good child. So, like, even in high school like, and even in like throughout college. It was like, oh well, ashton is doing it, then I, like I can do it. Or like like, even in high school, parents would say, like students would say, oh, ashton's going to this event, oh, then you can go. So it was.
Speaker 2:I was used as like the example and that stuck with me of like oh, you're just missing a little good, good, good tissues. And students would tell me that, like, oh, you're just a good little church girl. And I got that even when I was in like elementary and I'm like I'm not, like I don't go to church every week, like how can I be the good church girl? And so that I just kept festering of like oh, she's, you need to be perfect and you'd be like good and whatnot. And while I'm trying to figure out like who am I? I was struggling, trying to figure out like who am I? I was struggling and, unfortunately, like, I got into some things that I wasn't too proud of. I started drinking. I found myself going to raves in 2020.
Speaker 1:This is like when you're in the middle of working for the church, going off steam like put that ball gets pushed down so far it's going to pop up right going off steam, like put that ball gets pushed down so far it's going to pop up right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, exactly, and I think also part of it was I I don't know when this person had said it in front of me, but they were. They were, I think, a youth pastor, young adult pastor, and the topic was about like alcohol, and they were talking about like it's okay, like no worries, like you can drink and whatnot. And I was seeing, like I was seeing my friends or people my age that were involved in leadership, that looked like they were thriving, they were loved. They were like the ones everybody wanted to be around and I wanted to be a part of that. And so I thought, like, in order for me to fit in, like I needed to do what they were doing or like, oh no, like it's okay to do what they're doing, um, and so that's the lie that I was feeding off of.
Speaker 2:And so I started participating in in things that I didn't want to. I was, I was making myself like it just because I didn't want to be abandoned. I didn't want to be rejected. I was longing for belonging in community, and so in 2020, like it started out like hey, 2019, just like a glass of wine here and there, and it turned into like going to clubs and something I never thought I would ever do, and like those mini raves that you see, and and then experimenting with edibles, and I was doing things I was not proud of, um, and things were happening. I could see, uh, I, things were happening to me in those environments that weren't godly, they weren't, um, healthy, they were toxic, um, and I realized that something was wrong um but I wasn't ready to face it yet.
Speaker 2:And then the pandemic hit and so it was kind of like all of that, I guess you could say like acting out in a way or leaning into those vices. It was from like January to COVID, so I had like my sowing, my wild oats moment, if you want to say that, for COVID. And then I noticed during COVID, like the beginning of it, it became normal for me to drink before I would go to bed and then I would find myself drinking more and more.
Speaker 1:It's not good for you if you want to actually have a good night, more and more, and it wasn't good for you if you, if you want to actually have a good night's rest.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's not good for you.
Speaker 1:Um, it makes it harder for you to fall asleep, actually, if you want good rest.
Speaker 2:Yes, if you want good rest. And so I just started becoming someone that I didn't recognize, like I would look in the mirror and I did not recognize. I didn't tell my grandparents like they didn't know, people didn't know at work, I mean, some of my friends knew, but everyone knew like don't tell anybody, like she's going to get in trouble, or like just don't share those things with people, people. And the more I was entertaining those things, the more lost I became and the more depressed I became and I realized I was doing it by myself, like it was no longer a social thing, it was. I was sad and depressed and I was suppressing emotions.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then one day I just I was looking at a mirror and I just looked at it and I was like I don't, I don't know who you are. And I just remember like I started crying and I remember thinking like I don't want to become, like I don't want to go down the route my dad did. Like alcoholism, drugs, like those things are heavy on both sides of my family and I already knew that at a young age. My whole life I always said like I was never going to drink because I didn't want to take that path and then I did and then it just escalated from there and then I ended up stopping. I moved out. During the COVID I started renting a room with my friends.
Speaker 1:When did you meet Carlo? I'm creeping on your Facebook right now and it's like, looking at your wedding photos, it says October 5, 2021. I'm like how long did you guys date? For like a half hour it seems like like you're like, and then it was september of 2021 and I'm like when do you meet this guy?
Speaker 2:so I actually met carlo during that time, so in 2020 at the mini rave.
Speaker 1:He was djing at the rave no, no.
Speaker 2:So I met carlo march of 2020, right when covid hit. We had like a church plant meeting. I got invited to help with this church plant um, and I didn't know anybody there at this church. He was an elder, I think he was an elder, maybe he was just a deacon, um, but he was a youth director. And he was just a deacon, but he was a youth director, and he was helping out this young adult church plant. And then we were there. I met him when he sat down right in front of me. I remember thinking to myself as soon as he sat down in front of me, I was like this guy, I had instant peace. I knew I was safe and comfortable with him.
Speaker 1:He's got a nice smile.
Speaker 2:He has a nice smile.
Speaker 1:I think really great smile. Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2:But it was something with his eyes that like I saw softness, um, and for me, like I had already been wrestling with God, of like okay, god, if you want me to do this, uh, this plant a church planting thing. Like let this meeting go well. Like you know, having one of those conversations like ultimatums, um, and I was like, okay, god, like I'll go, and so I'm sitting in the parking lot having this conversation and I sit down and I meet all these people I don't know, and then Carlo comes and sits in front of me and instantly I was like who is this person? But I looked at his eyes and I felt peace, like I felt safety, like I wasn't nervous anymore. I wasn't, and majority of the people in the room were men, um, and they were young adults and a little bit older than me, and my history of like feeling comfortable with men, like even up to that point I didn't feel comfortable around men. So that safety that I felt with Carlo like meant a lot to me. I was like, okay, god, like there's something here. And I remember thinking to myself like huh, like I wonder, like who he is. And so church planting we were supposed to open up in person the following week and then COVID happened. But I remember going back to my apartment and telling my best friend at the time and I was like, so I met this guy and his name is Carlo, and like, if I could marry a godly man, I hope it could be like someone like Carlo, like this guy, but I'm not good enough for him. So, like, if I can find a guy that's like him, like him, like that would be, like that'd be it. Um, and so I already had this like, like he, like this is like a guy that I feel comfortable around, like in the church, but it's funny and laid back, but like there was just something. But I didn't think I was worthy enough for him.
Speaker 2:And during that season, like no one knew in the church plant that I, like the day before I met all of them, I was literally at a club that night and having the worst time of my life because I was actually sober at that that one time. And I just remember like this, ain't it? Like I don't want to be here, but I had so much shame and guilt that when I went to the church the next day to meet them for this group, I was like I'm not worthy of even being friends with any of these people. I'm not worthy of being, like, in a relationship with this guy, um, so there's a lot of guilt and shame that I had and God was really working on me in that and and hearing the Holy spirit, um of like leading me to just step away from, uh, that lifestyle and um, yeah, it was just. It was like a what is it called the light switch moment where, like, I had one drink and then I never had one again, and it wasn't because I remember hearing and I know it was the Holy Spirit now Is this one drink going to make things better? And for some reason, that like, really like, struck me because I remember hearing, like from my stepmom she struggled with alcoholism of, like, this one drink will make me feel better. One drink, and that was like a common phrase I heard in the household growing up and for me, it just took me back to that moment of like this isn't it? Like it's only going to go downhill from here? Yeah, and so I knew Carlo during that time, that 2020.
Speaker 2:We stayed in contact but, like doing ministry online, trying to figure out ways to do, like the parking lot services during COVID I'm working on my relationship with God, one-on-one praying for my future husband, like I don't know, like God really put it on my heart to be intentional. So I found myself, like when I was in grocery stores, like, hmm, I wonder if my husband and his family, like if he has siblings or whatnot, if they like taking trips. So I started like asking questions and then like praying for them if he. That's so sweet, yeah, I guess. So I found myself doing that without even like Carlo wasn't even really in my my mind, like I wasn't even thinking about Carlo as like my future husband.
Speaker 2:At that point I was just, I guess, stewarding myself to be able to like like pray for my husband. And then I got the prayer book thing. It's like 101 prayers for your future husband and I started doing that and like it has prayers written out and then like a reflection that you write with it and someone, one of my friends that I had met through the church plant, she was doing it as well and so I did it. Um, I was writing and like reflecting and then all of a sudden I started journaling about Carlo, like I was interested in you.
Speaker 1:Were you guys going on dates or something?
Speaker 2:no, no, no. Um. So like this is like december, january, um, and we're still doing ministry together, but like we're not even really it's not complicated. But you know, know, like Pride and Prejudice, like, have you seen Pride and Prejudice?
Speaker 1:It's my wife's favorite movie. I haven't seen it in a while.
Speaker 2:Okay, so it was literally like Mr Darcy, like the yeah it just. Oh my goodness. So he like we were friends, and then there's like this tension and then like no, and then like I didn't know if he liked me even as a friend, I thought he was annoyed with me, so it was. I was just trying to figure things out.
Speaker 1:Let's, let's jump ahead a little bit. Does he ask you out first, or like how did that happen?
Speaker 2:So in February end of February he didn't even really like, yes, he end of February. He didn't even really like yes, he asked me out but he didn't.
Speaker 1:He was like you want to get married?
Speaker 2:no, no, so like he used social media and Instagram to like communicate with me and so like, during, like, november and December. Yeah, maybe December. During that time we're talking more as friends. But he wouldn't text me and he had my number because we were in a group chat no, that's too personal.
Speaker 1:Yeah, personal, but you know that, the layers, you know the layers. I know Instagram, facebook. Then I don't know if Instagram or Facebook was switched around, but texting is. It's too intimate.
Speaker 2:I like, and the thing is I didn't know if Instagram or Facebook was switched around, but texting is too intimate. And the thing is I didn't know until later on that he had been in a long-term relationship before me, that he had ended before he met me. So he had actually met me, I think a month after he ended his long-term relationship, and so I know he was in his own stage of healing, and so by the time I found out about that, it was like December, January. So I'm like don't push. But at the same time, like you can only talk on Instagram for so long, Like I don't know, like you're older than me to begin with.
Speaker 1:So do you see me as like? Just knew he liked you, you knew well, yes and no, I don't know. Carlo was yeah, he he was. We'll have to hear. We'll have to hear his side of the story. I do want to jump ahead. You guys end up getting married. Like how long were you like dating seriously before you were like we're getting married?
Speaker 2:so we dated from um.
Speaker 1:Started dating in march, got engaged in august, got married in october that's pretty wild, yeah, pretty wild, yeah, but uh beautiful photos as I'm looking at them right now. What church is this?
Speaker 2:a thousand oaks and that church is this A Thousand. Oaks, and that church is actually where my mom and dad got married. Oh, that's sweet. Yeah, so we got married on October 3rd. That was my mom's birthday.
Speaker 1:Did you request that he have a beard on your wedding day?
Speaker 2:Probably I, always with a beard.
Speaker 1:I don't like him shaved, I mean I do shave but he's, he's a handsome, handsome guy with that beard. Yes, so you guys get married. Mm-hmm, you get married uh 2021, 2021 over October Um and they lived happily ever after. No, you shouldn't. Okay, we're going to take a quick break from this episode of the podcast and I'm going to bring on my brother, bw Ben Williams. How long have you been rocking with the good gospel, loving that good gospel?
Speaker 4:A long time. It feels like I don't know the exact amount of time, but a while.
Speaker 1:It feels like If I wanted to hear your story, could I do that by finding it on the Death to Life podcast.
Speaker 4:I think so. To be honest, I don't think I've ever found it, because I don't like listening to myself, but I think it's there.
Speaker 1:You've been on this podcast like three times what, but I think it's there. You've been on this podcast like three times what. You've been on it three times your own episode and then, uh, the two.
Speaker 4:Bible verse drafts. This is news to me, but I got. I was like listen, so where would I go If I, if I? I didn't even know, okay, where would I go?
Speaker 1:Next question Next question, Ben what has the gospel done in changing your life?
Speaker 4:The gospel has just completely changed who I am, and maybe not like the personal, like my personality necessarily, but like my heart has completely changed and it's I mean, it's something that when I look back and I think about who I used to be and think about the things I did or the thoughts I had, like it's it just feels so wildly foreign to me because of how much Jesus has changed my heart. And so, man, he's just changed literally everything for me, not only for eternal life, but also just for my everyday life. It's been great.
Speaker 1:Ben, you have dedicated time, money and energy to see the gospel moving forward. Why is that important to you?
Speaker 4:It's important to me because the gift that was given to me wasn't just for me, and I think, as I realize and just take to heart more and more just who I am to God like, it also makes me recognize that everybody else is also that person to God like, so precious, so valuable, and he did something amazing for all of us. And if literally anybody, like even the richest, most happy person in the world, like if they were to receive the gospel, it would change everything for the better. There's not one person that doesn't need to hear the good news, and so that's why for me, like I just want to push it forward.
Speaker 1:I love it. If you're listening to this and you want to partner with Love Reality to get the gospel moving forward, you can go to loverealityorg slash give. You know the web address loverealityorg slash give. Every dollar donated goes to moving this message forward, whether it's through the podcast, internet church, whether it's just getting Ben a haircut Actually, no, it is not haircut, I'm growing my hair out.
Speaker 4:Okay, I know, I like it.
Speaker 1:It's in, it's in an awkward stage, I like it your dollars do not go to that, but they go to moving the gospel forward but if you wanted to go to that cash app at ben williams, do not do that. Uh, let's get back to the episode that's not even my cash app no, I know you're getting to.
Speaker 2:No, I'm just saying, like you're getting right to now, it just continues a cycle of rough richard oh, are you're not going to tell me that the first year of marriage was rough, are you?
Speaker 2:so everyone, why was it rough? So, like again, I, I personally, like on my end, I stopped having my one-on-ones, my secret place with god. Like I realized that now, looking back, um, and I was just finding validation in my marriage and, um, my work, how well I was doing um, this new role I guess you could say as like a daughter-in-law, sister-in-law, um, I was finding I was seeking validation, um, and how I was performing came out of that too, um, and that really spoke to like my wordiness. And so I knew, because I had a season where it was just me and God. And then I got married and then things got like distracted, distracting um, a lot of noises from the enemy and uh, just a lot of things were happening, happening like Carlo and I like we were getting into arguments, a lot Things were not meshing. And the thing is, on the outside, we, we looked good, like people thought that we were doing well, like I was doing really well in work. I hadn't promoted twice.
Speaker 2:Carlo was doing good in his work, and then he was still leading at our old church I will, his old church, um my new church, and so on the outside, everyone thought that we were doing good, um, but in the inside we weren't. He wasn't doing good, I wasn't doing good and I was getting really depressed. Um, my health was declining again. This is a cycle when I am like internalizing a lot of stress, a lot of emotions because I don't know how to express them and I wasn't asking for help.
Speaker 2:I didn't tell anybody that I was struggling. I didn't tell anybody that Carlo and I were struggling. I thought this was the norm, like, oh, things are supposed to be bad, like, and this is just how it is. And like, again that thought process well, god only gives you enough that you can handle. So I'm like, okay, so all of these things that are happening to us, or to me, to him individually, like this is God, like he is the one making this happen. And I just knew that I, it just I knew it wasn't going to end well, like I, I was getting to the point of very, uh, depressed by 2022. So you're within the year um of 2022, I'm trying to think, sorry.
Speaker 1:What was different than you thought it would be? Um, when you get married, you're not thinking. Thinking within a year, we're going to be really struggling, like you hear.
Speaker 2:Oh, it might be tough, but you don't I think, like I knew we were going to struggle, so like the struggle wasn't um, I would say a surprise, but I think I guess I just didn't want to admit it myself. Like I had pride, like I didn't want to tell people like we're struggling. I was just telling everybody oh, we're fine, like we're doing great, like everything is peachy, like we're doing all these different things, um, but I had a lot of pride because one we got married so quickly and it was already this like some feelings and opinions about us getting married and about how our wedding, yeah, prove them wrong. So. And that was the mentality like, oh, you have to prove them wrong, ashton. Um, and I mean, if I said, like we're struggling, then struggling then that's hey, you just proved them right, and so I didn't want to prove them wrong. And so and I don't know what Carla was thinking during that time either um, and so wherever I was excelling at, I was throwing more of my energy into. So work I was doing really good. So then I threw all of my energy into work, and too much, to the point where my body was physically responding to the stress that I was under. I ended up in the hospital quite a bit.
Speaker 2:I'm really depressed and by December, like I was telling Carlo, like I just I'm having this urge of wanting to go to the store and buy a bottle of wine, like I don't know where this is coming from, like I haven't drank in a couple of years, like all of a sudden to suppress and like to just you know, like kind of just like numb the pain and whatever was going on and the things that were happening.
Speaker 2:And December 2022, I remember telling Carla like I'm having suicidal thoughts, like I just want I want this to end, like I'm done, like life will be much better off, like you guys would all be better off without me, like you wouldn't have your issues with me if I wasn't here. Maybe there would be peace in my family. Maybe I'm no longer the problem, because growing up, I always felt like you're always the problem, like if you're not doing well, then everyone's doing well, but if you do bad and make a mistake, then you're the problem. So my existence I've always felt like you're just the problem, you're the reason for many things, yeah, and so I don't know what exactly changed the thought pattern of not committing suicide December 2022, because I was really on the edge of doing so. I remember getting-.
Speaker 1:You had a plan Like, you wanted to buy a gun getting.
Speaker 2:Like you had a plan, like you wanted to buy a gun. No, I didn't want to buy a gun. If anything, it would have been like getting sleeping pills or something.
Speaker 1:It wouldn't like, I don't know, like overdosing yeah, that's not a feminine, if gun is not really a feminine way of yeah, no, I did not want to buy a gun.
Speaker 2:Um, yes, I just kept having this, like this sense of like open your Bible, like you need to open your Bible. And I didn't open my Bible for years because I felt like I didn't understand, like NIV didn't click with me, or the King James Version didn't click with me. I didn't understand it.
Speaker 1:You know what it's this is. This is not a. This is just an observation. This is not a condemnation, Okay, Because it's happened to me that we can be heavily in ministry and not understand what the Bible is actually saying. So your time of being a chaplain, your time working for the church, and it's all surrounding this idea of a spiritual life but it can be, it can certainly be missing. Yeah. And that's just because it is religion's religion. It's not necessarily a spiritual life.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, exactly, and that's what I was experiencing. So, um, yeah, and I, I didn't open the Bible, but I knew something was, um, I don't know, I, I, it wasn't a thought that I was having anymore as intensely. And then 2023 came around. We were dealing with some stuff and then, um, lo and behold, in in February uh, 2023, I discovered that Carlo had a porn addiction and, um, in a way, like how it all came out, in a way like how it all came out, I knew God was leading it, and I say that because how I even got his phone, how I even entered his password, that was just. God was moving in profound ways. Like I didn't know his password by heart, like it just I told me once and that was it, and I could had these.
Speaker 2:This urge, not the urge, but like you need to ask him questions, you need to confront him now. You can't wait any longer. And so I found it. And then part of me wanted to just suppress it and not have the conversation, and I knew it was loud. It was like, ashton, you have to, like you have to ask him about this, and so I did. I ended up asking him, and what I didn't know during that time was that like my whole life was going to change that day and moving forward because lies were revealed.
Speaker 2:But healing began and um, not only for Carla but for myself, in so many different ways. It was difficult going through a betrayal, trauma, and like going through hearing everything. It wasn't honesty right up front. It was difficult, it was painful Because when you're in a pattern and you're addicted to something, it takes a while before the honesty starts coming in and and being patient and um willing to listen. Um, yeah, I saw God move in in huge, miraculous ways and I I heard his voice in such a very loud and clear way that reminded me of how I heard him when I was a child. So all my experiences as a child. When I heard him, I knew I was hearing him again loud and clear in this season. And you know, we, we went through getting the help. We, we worked through it. Through getting the help, we we worked through it.
Speaker 2:Um, you know, when you start asking or sharing your story or or um seeking guidance, sometimes not everybody is a safe ear to, to share with Um, and sometimes there is even more betrayal, and so I I experienced that on that end of sharing with people um, same thing with like in the church as well Um, and that that end of sharing with people Same thing with like in the church as well, and that that was something that I had to learn and grow through and heal through as well. And the same thing with Carlo. But I knew that day God really spoke to me of like Ashton, you need to be in my word. And that first week I he placed certain people in my life of encouraging me, of hey, why don't you order an ESV version, get commentary, like start, like just start. And so that's what I started doing.
Speaker 2:And once that started I knew God was moving. There was momentum, there was a lot of pain, there was a lot of healing that needed to be done. It wasn't easy, it was tremendously difficult. There was lies of you know you shouldn't stay, you should leave. But I had to rebuke those lies.
Speaker 2:I learned it was like everything I had experienced as a child seeing good and evil.
Speaker 2:I was seeing it, it again, but with like clear perspective now, like I understood spiritual warfare, I understood, like you know, there are evil things that are happening left and right all around us. There's a good that's happening, um, learning about binary rebuking, taking every thought captive, because I didn't I was never um, I guess, taught or like um shown, I guess, in a way of like. How do you take every thought captive? What thought is yours, what thoughts is from God and what is from the enemy? I always thought that it was either from God or myself. I didn't realize that the enemy could really speak to me in such a powerful way that was impacting my life, and so we went through that journey of 2023. And so 2023 was a year of healing healing, redemption, restoring. I saw God move in our lives individually and then bring us back together in a marriage. I saw Carlo well, just seeing your spouse, like even though, like, you've been hurt tremendously, but seeing someone you love, particularly your spouse, those chains break off and you see them walking in newness.
Speaker 2:It's the most beautiful thing that you can let go of oh praise the Lord Because I knew the day that I discovered what was happening behind closed doors, when things started coming to light, I physically saw him like his shoulders go up and him like the smile start to, like it's just his demeanor, like he wasn't carrying like this burden alone anymore. Um, and I knew that there was. I knew God could restore and could heal, because it was a prayer that I had for my dad for many years. Um, and if I believe that God could redeem my dad, then I knew that God could redeem Carlo. I knew, but Carlo had to choose it on his own.
Speaker 2:And so during 2023, the early parts of it I really had to actually intentionally recognize and verbalize to Carlo too at times, like I'm on my journey with God right now and I can't be your God, like you have to find God in your own relationship with him and I have to find him on my own, like I need to strengthen my own personal relationship with him. And so, seeing that and just watching, like the fruits of it, the past year there's been a lot of tears, there's been a lot of just miracles that I have seen and being able to speak with other women that have gone through trauma as well and and see Carlo be able to help other men that are going through situations similar to what he went through is also powerful and very healing. So yeah, so that's what 2023 brought.
Speaker 1:When I met you, it was right after the 4th of July. How did you end up? How did you end up hearing about us?
Speaker 2:So I had actually subscribed to the text messages. Uh, when we got married in 2021. Um, and I had a love reality.
Speaker 1:How'd you hear about love reality?
Speaker 2:Um, I forgot who introduced Justin to me. Carlo also knew Justin from the past and I don't remember exactly how I ended up getting the text message, like getting the number. I just remember texting the number and then getting the notification to join a Bible study, and I was looking for my own community at the same time and you know, I felt like I didn't belong when I joined. One of the times that lie, like you're not enough, like these people have it all figured out, and so I kept unsubscribing and subscribing to text messages consistently. Yeah, and so 2023, during that first week in February when everything went down, I remembered, I don't know why, like I was on TikTok, I had a video about betrayal trauma, and then I saw a post on Instagram about like being free from, like addictions and and whatnot, and like walking in the newness, and then it just reminded me of Justin, and so then I just went to Justin's profile and then I ended up seeing I did like a like a deep dive into his feed and I saw one of them that was talking about pornography and I shared it with Carlo and I was like Carlo, like no, like this, like you can be free from this.
Speaker 2:And I didn't know. During that time Carlo, on his own, was watching Justin's YouTube videos, so I didn't know that was happening. And then finally, we both tell each other like oh hey, we're both looking like at the same content creator stuff. And then Carlo was just asking questions, like when he was watching the videos of Justin and Jonathan, he had questions and it was like God was giving me the ability to. I shared it with somebody. It was like a download, like I didn't understand why. I knew it was true, but I knew it was true.
Speaker 1:What was the thing that you knew was true?
Speaker 2:So, like, even like free from sin, Carlo was watching a video and Carlo knew more about scripture than me. I didn't know, like I can't quote scripture as well as Carlo, Like I wasn't, I didn't teach Sabbath school and and lessons and stuff Um, and he was having a hard time like accepting certain things that were being shared in the different videos. And so he would open the Bible and he was searching and he would come to me and he would read scripture and he would say, Ashton, like, what do you think of this? And I'm like, well, I think X, Y and Z, Like, but that's what they're saying. I'm like, well then, it's true, Like it's, I mean, that's what it says in the Bible, Like we're reading it.
Speaker 2:And but for me to be able to have like that confidence in saying, like, when I'm reading something, and I felt the assurance that it was true, like I'm reading it makes sense, it gave him, like I don't know, encouragement to believe that it was true and to continue searching. So, even though I couldn't back it up theologically, like I could share with him in that moment, like I know, like yeah, that sounds true, Like we're reading it, that makes sense, it makes sense to me Like I don't have anything else tying to it, Cause I didn't have that baggage, um, uh and whatnot. And so we started attending love reality and then I um saw like a flyer with your, with your name on it and I was like I took a screenshot and I was like Carlo, like hon, let's go. And he's like, okay, yeah, let's go.
Speaker 1:So, but you guys didn't show up until the last two nights and I remember seeing you guys and I'm like, and you were kind of hanging out and I'm like who are these people? Yeah. But you'd never. But I don't think we really talked too much then it's like afterwards, and then you ended up going to Friendsgiving.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But was it just being like all of this stuff that you were hearing about freedom from sin and forgiveness and all this? It was just landing more and more and more.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for me it was just I don't know how to explain it, but like within I had such peace. So the more I heard it, the more like. For me it was, like the Holy spirit was confirming like this is true. And but if someone were to ask me like hey, like why do you think it's true? Like can you back it up biblically? I wasn't there yet to be able to do so, but in those the first beginning months, like I just this has to be true. Like there's so much peace, there's so much joy, there's there's reconciliation. This is, this is who God is, this is what his son did for us. Like it just made sense and any other option just did not make sense.
Speaker 2:And when you're been, when you've been living the way that you have been in death, like this is the only life giving thing. So I'm like this is this, is it like? If this is not it, then I don't know what it is, because I I remember very loud and clear like um, god met me in my car, like that first weekend, and I was struggling because I was just like God, like there's a lot of distractions, I don't, I don't know like moving forward and whatnot, and he was telling me. He was like Ashton, you have to choose. Like we keep going back and forth, keep going back and forth and it's a cycle. So either, like you can trust me, trust me, we'll move forward, or you're going to go back and turn back to the old ways. Or are you going to listen to me and trust me, like I have you, but you have to trust me, like I'm going to get you guys through this, but you have to trust me.
Speaker 2:And like in that moment it was, are you going to choose death or are you going to choose life? Like it was very profound for me and from that moment in my car, anything else that came afterwards, that was speaking life. It just I couldn't say no to. Like I there's things like, yeah, you wrestle with some of the questions like how is that possible? But it there's so much peace within it and I know what that peace is now. So if it's not peace, then I don't know what it is.
Speaker 1:But yeah, so I think this is a good spot to stop and perhaps, after Carlo, maybe we'll do one with you guys and we can talk a little bit about 2024. Cause I think a lot went down in 2024, but and I think it's going to be more on the life side but as you consider all of the lies and all of the performance and all of the striving and not necessarily to be right with God, but striving so that you could have the favor of man and then, in the light of what you were learning about the gospel, how was the gospel speaking to all of those lies and all of those things that you had been fighting for so long?
Speaker 2:They weren't true and they weren't of me, and that I was never an orphan, I was never a burden, I wasn't the black sheep of the family, I wasn't a mistake that I was a daughter, but, more importantly, I was a daughter of the most high, because that I never, I never knew Like. I could hear it like oh, you're, you're God's daughter, but I didn't understand and it didn't click, because the lies were still. They still had a chain on me and they were still bringing me down there. I was bounded by them and they were still bringing me down there. I was bounded by them. Um, so, yeah, so just hearing the gospel and understanding it um has literally set me free.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man what is the main aspect? Was new that you've just clung on to?
Speaker 2:Hmm, a new creation that, yes, there was an old Ashton and I'm still in that body, but old Ashton, she's gone and, like this new Ashton, she's living in and from abundance. So, yes, I made mistakes in the past, yes, I believed lies, yes, there is people I hurt or I was hurt from people, but I'm not those things and I'm not those things in the future either. Of whatever may happen. I'm not my circumstances. That's the biggest thing. I'm not my circumstances and that, as a new creation, I'm walking in the newness of life. So I lack nothing. Yeah, that's the biggest thing for me.
Speaker 1:That is a word right there, Ashton. Thank you so much. Is there a time where you would want to go and put your arm around old Ashton and try to minister to her? As you're considering old Ashton, where would you go if you had a chance?
Speaker 2:I think when my mom was sick from the very beginning, like the first phone call that I ever had to make to get her help, Because from there it just cycled on. Yeah.
Speaker 1:What would you tell that girl?
Speaker 2:You don't have to fix everything that God has you. Jesus loves you and you're enough. And this isn't, this isn't your destiny, like you're not here to be something for everybody, um, and that you're enough just the way you are. Yeah.
Speaker 1:Well, I think we'll be hearing a little bit more from you later. Thank you so much, ashton. This was a roller coaster of a lot of death, but I think there's going to be. I mean, there's life right now, there's life on the way, and so thank you for sharing your story.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:I think the honesty that Ashton shares and the trials that she's been through has made her and it hasn't broken her. And I mean, I think there's tough stuff that we have to deal with in life. God did not promise that it would be easy, but he didn't bring us far just to leave us. He has filled our hearts with love through his Holy Spirit. If you're experiencing a trial right now, this prayer is for you, father, I know this is uncomfortable, I know this trial is hard, but thank you that this is making me and not breaking me, that you are pruning me, even while you did not cause this, that you're showing me your love and I receive that love, and thank you for it In Jesus's name. Amen.
Speaker 1:Guys, this is our giving time of the year. Want to make sure you know that every penny that you give to Love Reality goes towards us furthering the gospel. We want to preach it and we are going to. And you guys helping us donating is always a blessing, and you guys helping us donating is always a blessing. You can go to loverealityorg slash give so that we can keep this thing rolling into 2025. New year, same gospel, because there's only one. Thank you, guys, so much. We'll catch you on the next one. Love y'all, appreciate y'all, bye.