Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#199 Marla is Transformed by Jesus (Self Worth)
Marla’s transformative journey from shame and self-doubt to a profound understanding of unconditional love serves as an inspiring narrative of healing and acceptance. After facing struggles with self-worth triggered by childhood experiences and societal expectations, Marla finds freedom in recognizing her inherent value, ultimately embracing a life characterized by self-love and the ability to love others unconditionally.
• Marla recalls feeling unlovable during her childhood
• The impact of parental divorce and its lingering effects
• Struggles with perfectionism and self-harm in adolescence
• Discovering faith and community through the Adventist church
• How college challenges led to disordered eating issues
• A pivotal moment in El Salvador that changed her perspective
• The significance of self-acceptance post-organ donation
• Healing conversations leading to the realization of unconditional love
• Marla's commitment to raising her children with values of self-worth
• The importance of breaking cycles of conditional love and judgment
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:I felt so unlovable. I felt this, the rejection, uh, they're just all of a sudden hit that like um, I couldn't earn, in a way like my mom's love she was, she was mad about something else and she was just going to be done with me for a period of time. I feel like as adolescents you kind of have a weird time of trying to figure out who you are. But just having a boyfriend, I felt like, okay, so I am lovable in that regard. And then when we broke up, that kind of like, but now you're not anymore and so this self-harm was almost I don't even know why you deserve pain because you're not lovable.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with Marla. And I've known Marla for a long time and I've known of her story for a long time and we have finally gotten around to record it. Her heart is just going to come out in this episode, and just the beautiful way that God has shown her who she is. There is some adult stuff in this episode that if you're around young kids, just be mindful, but there is so much beauty and so much life. I think you're going to really appreciate it and it's going to touch you. So this is is Marla, buckle up, strap in Love y'all, appreciate y'all. All right, marla, remind me of your maiden name, niesner. Knew it and I wanted to say it, but I didn't want to embarrass myself if it wasn't Niesner. Nope, it is. We've known each other. Did we go to school together, or did you come right after me and you were a student when I was working there?
Speaker 2:No, I feel like you were a junior, my freshman year, and then I took my sophomore year. I was an SM and then so I was just at one year at Union with you.
Speaker 1:Okay, one year. So we, we were classmates. I don't know if we were ever in a class. We were schoolmates. How's that?
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:Schoolmates Um, where, where are we? Where are you taking us? Where are we starting this, uh, this story tonight?
Speaker 2:Well, I feel like, uh, when I, when I experienced freedom, I feel like God pointed out kind of where it started all going wrong, where my mindset was not good. When I was a little kid, I had a pretty tumultuous upbringing. My parents got divorced when I was young I can't remember between the ages of five and eight. When I was young, I can't remember between the ages of five and eight but before that my sister was always the bad kid and I was always the good kid. I don't think that she was bad, I think she's a normal kid.
Speaker 2:But I pretty quick learned not to make any mistakes. I witnessed a lot of stuff that probably shouldn't happen to kids, to her, and so early on I was like, all right, I can't do those things. But I also was favored so that I could do no wrong and only and she could only do wrong. And so that kind of carry, that kind of, was the beginning of this people pleasing aspect that I have carried throughout most of my life. And when I was eight years old I moved in with my dad's parents and for the longest time I have always thought like I was already grown by the time I moved in with my grandparents, because I was really forced to grow up a lot faster than I should have been.
Speaker 1:You were eight when you moved in and you thought you were pretty much there.
Speaker 2:It wasn't until I had an eight-year-old daughter that I was like oh yeah, eights You're still very much a child at eight years old. But I was very like, just in that mindset I, like you know, self-preserve, take care of myself kind of had to, like my grandparents were. It was their second time around raising kids and so I knew at that young age I needed to earn my keep. And they didn't ever tell me that, but I felt like I needed to make sure I'm not a burden to them. I need to make sure that I earn being able to live here, because it was so much better their house was so much better than what I'd been living in and so much more peaceful that it felt like this is too good. I've got to really make sure I do everything I can to stay here.
Speaker 1:Did you feel that because of your folks' divorce then Did that have that kind of impact? Did you believe it was your fault?
Speaker 2:No, I didn't think it was my fault, more than it. Just my parents were unequally yoked in a lot of ways, and so there's just so much turmoil between, like, when I moved in with my grandparents and when I was born. All that. Those years are just really there's so much upheaval. There was a lot of. You know, we were pretty poor, a lot of living without going to places. Yeah, there's just a lot of a lot of stories in that frame that I wasn't very peaceful and so, coming into living with my grandparents, it was just so different and so good that I thought, well, I got to do everything I can to stay here, so I got to be the best that I can be.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and so what state you grow up in?
Speaker 2:Actually in Hot Springs, south dakota, so just um an hour south of rapid, where I live now um.
Speaker 1:What's the culture in hot springs, south dakota?
Speaker 2:um it's a pretty small town, I think it's like 5 000 people, so, uh, it definitely like. Looking back, I felt like I I ended up going to academy and that really saved me from because there's not a lot for young people to do, so a lot of kids just do, you know, a lot of drinking, a lot of drugs, a lot of sex early on, and so there wasn't it that it doesn't feel like there's much was much there for me, those small towns can be a killer in that way.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah for sure. So, yeah, in growing up with my grandparents we didn't really go to church or anything, but I feel like when I was like 10, maybe, I started. I really looking back, it was like God was calling my heart and so I went to all these different denominations with my friends. I went to the United Churches, I went to Assembly of God Church, I went to Lutheran Church, all these and nothing ever felt right and I was wanting to find a church to go to at 10. It's amazing that God was calling my heart at that time and so I'd asked my dad could we go to the Adventist Church?
Speaker 2:Because he grew up Adventist and he went to academy and he went to union, but he had left the church and was really not going that much and we had attended when I was really little, a little bit, and so I kind of had that just I don't even know how long, but just a little basis of knowing what the Sabbath was. You know that they went on Saturday and stuff. Sabbath was, you know that they went on Saturday and stuff. And so we went to the Adventist church and my heart just felt at home there and even though the church in Hot Springs was probably like less than 20 people. Sometimes there is kids there, sometimes there is not.
Speaker 2:For most of my time there I was one of maybe two other youths under the age of my dad my dad was probably the next person closest to me in age, so that. But yet even in that environment I still felt really just at home, which was just looking back, a real miracle to me and going to. So I went to public school there in Hot Springs and I never really felt like I fit in. I was pretty an odd duck, and especially once I started going to the Adventist church and now I'm not playing basketball on Sabbath, you know I'm not doing a lot of the normal kid activities. Now I'm not playing basketball on Sabbath, you know I'm not doing a lot of the normal kid activities, but my dad attended. He attended the local Adventist camp here in the Black.
Speaker 1:Hills Flag Mountain Camp.
Speaker 2:And when he was a kid and so he really wanted me to go there. So he signed me up and that was really like a pivotal point in my life of recognizing like there's other people out there like me. I like going to camp. I felt like, oh wow, I do fit in, I'm not a weirdo, I'm not something, something's not wrong with me. Um, and so I started having friends at camp and I ended up going to um academy, um, through another, uh, god thing I really wasn't planning to.
Speaker 2:I had really was set on going to a public high school, um, but the recruiter at that time, um, the sorters, missy and missy and sean sorter, they love them love the sorters yeah, they were working at camp and they came to my house after team camp, um, and they, I told them I'm not going to your academy, I don't, but you can come to my house. So they came to my house and, um, they showed us that, you know, they were showing us how great the academy was. And then they, they, they prayed over our, you know, prayed and they were getting ready to leave and it was like during that prayer, god was just like I think you should go. And my heart just switched and I was like all right, I'll go.
Speaker 2:And my dad cause he he had been battling with me on it he's like I want you to go. And I was like, no, no, that's all right, I don't think I need to go. And after the prayer I said I would go and it was like a double take, like what You'll go. And so that turned out to be just a real lifesaver for me, because I really feel like, had I stayed in Hot Springs, my life would be a lot different.
Speaker 1:Did you consider yourself a pretty good kid. Oh yeah, Since your sister was the bad one, you thought like I am the good one.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I feel like there's two components to being the good child. Like you learn to not make those mistakes, but you also carry this guilt Like I should. I'm not, nothing's happening to me, like, why is it always?
Speaker 2:her, and so I did have this, that I did kind of have a I'm the good kid. But I also felt like, yeah, I should probably like it. It really I was. I felt like I was. I had a really good relationship with God, but in in a way that I felt like God was kind of the same as where I picked up in childhood, like I needed to earn his favor. If I wasn't reading my Bible, he and I were probably pretty far apart. If I didn't keep the Sabbath, just right, he was displeased with me. So so much of my thinking was brought upon really early on in my childhood. So this whole earning love was just the way I lived.
Speaker 1:So that's because you saw that in your day to day and so that just transferred to yeah, yeah, and it also just transferred to to yeah, yeah and and also was transferred to my relationships with other people.
Speaker 2:So I really felt like I needed to earn everybody's love, but everyone else needed to earn their love for me, and I was. I was probably judgmental, um, and kind of started like cause when you feel judged, you judge other people. Um, it's just kind of like when you feel that that when you feel judged, you judge other people. Um, it's just kind of like when you feel that that when you feel like you should do these things, you think everyone else should do those things too.
Speaker 1:Um, and so Give me an example of that judgmental attitude that you had.
Speaker 2:Um, so I, um my sister, continued down this kind of bad kid persona and I found out once I was probably like 12 or 13 that she smoked and had been smoking for a while and that like crushed me and made me so angry with her and pretty judgmental of her in that regard, like I just thought I looked up to her so much and then that she chose to smoke.
Speaker 2:You know, it was like a big deal in my mind and, um, I was always trying to tell her how to quit and why she should quit, like like she didn't know Right, right, um, but even in friendships, like at Academy, I'd feel like I was. You know, I maybe didn't always say out like my judgment, but the judgment was there in my heart. So, like if somebody wasn't keeping the Sabbath right or did something with their boyfriend that they shouldn't have, I was pretty like I'd try to distance myself from them because it felt like being close like sin by proximity that makes sense. Like I never wanted I wouldn't let myself get close to people who are really making big mistakes, because it felt like that would reflect poorly on me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we went to Academy and things were not so far off from old school Academy days. Right, because phones weren't around as much. The internet was there, but it wasn't. Maybe for you two years later, you know things move so quick, but the internet wasn't a huge thing yeah so like how you dress church service vespers.
Speaker 2:All these things were probably still pretty strict, right oh, yeah, yeah, very much so, and I was all for the rules, like I was. Uh, I am a rule keeper through and through. So if, if, uh, I was definitely, you know watched the dress code very good and was tried just to be the best I could be and not breaking the rules, because I feel rule breaking meant no love in my mind did you?
Speaker 1:did you consider like, like you wanted to keep the rules because you thought they were good rules. Or were you kind of wanting to dress the way? You wanted to keep the rules because you thought they were good rules.
Speaker 2:Or were you kind of wanting to dress the way you wanted, but the rules were like no, I need to earn love yeah, no, I mean, a lot of times I thought, if, if a rule was pretty ridiculous and I thought I would be okay breaking a rule, if I called home and told them I broke the rule, and they laughed about it. Then in my mind, like you know, if I said, oh, I snuck out of my dorm room at midnight, um, in, just in where it was in the dorm, the girl's dorm, and if, which was breaking the rule, you're supposed to be in your room, you're supposed to be in bed, right, like I would break the little rules like that. Because I thought, well, those are silly rules, so, but the rules that really mattered, like dress code or um, yeah, those things I, I was pretty, pretty strict on um. But my junior year of academy, um, I feel like when everything kind of this perfection, complex kind of came to a head, I'd broke up with my boyfriend that I'd had my first boyfriend and we dated, dated for like two years, which, um was pretty serious in my mind, and we broke up. And then there was some stuff going on with my mom where she, um, she just basically um stopped contacting me, and so I was feeling a load of rejection and I started self-harming at that time and I was thank goodness that God put people in my life to like help, because I recognized right away when I started, like oof, this is really far down. But I didn't understand exactly what it was that I was doing. It just felt like a real release and almost that I deserved this type of pain. But Andy Larson was the boys' assistant dean that year and our basketball coach too, and somehow I knew he was a safe person and I don't know why I knew this. But I went to him and I just said like I'm not in a good place and I'm having a really hard time. And he said well, this is out of my wheelhouse. How about we get you set up with counseling? And so I think it was probably I was 16.
Speaker 2:I went to a counselor in town and I remember telling her I brought like a notebook and a pen and paper. And I remember telling her I brought like a notebook and a pen and paper and I said I don't want to go on medications. This is what's going on. I know I have a problem, but can you help, can you give me the tools to help with this? And she was very respectful.
Speaker 2:She kind of just went through my story and kind of helped me uncover like, oh, hey, this, because I always thought I should not feel like I had a bad upbringing because my sister was the one who got the brunt of everything, if that makes sense Like I always felt like I was the lucky one, why should I feel bad? And she kind of uncovered for me like hey, this idea that you always need to be good, it really left you feeling like you needed to be perfect. And when it was revealed that you weren't which is normal, right, but I didn't take it as normal. I took this rejection from my mom and from my boyfriend as like I was a really horrible person and so, like that, uh, just, the accumulation of life up to that point was, um, yeah, it was really hard for me to recognize that I was imperfect, if that makes sense man, you sound like such a mature kid like you even talk to the counselor and say like, yeah, I don't want medication.
Speaker 1:These are the things that are going on and having the wherewithal like, yeah, I'm self-harming and I know it's not right. Um, what, what was it about the self-harming that was bringing some kind of I don't know why? Were you, as you look back, do you realize or understand why you were doing it?
Speaker 2:Um, just, I felt so unlovable. I felt this, the rejection, uh, they're just all of a sudden hit that like, um, I couldn't earn, in a way, like my mom's love she was, she was mad about something else and she was just going to be done with with me for a period of time and the same with. Like you know, I feel like as adolescents you kind of have a weird time of trying to figure out who you are. But just having a boyfriend, I felt like, okay, so I am lovable in that regard. And then when we broke up, that kind of like, but now you're not anymore regard. And then when we broke up, that kind of like, but now you're not anymore, and so this self harm was almost I don't, I don't even know why, but it definitely felt like I just there is. It was, yeah, just a, you deserve pain because you're you're not lovable and it seems so like I was very yeah, you, you're right, I was like a very mature person, but in so many ways I didn't like you were hurting yeah, yeah, um.
Speaker 2:So, yeah, I feel like that once I recognized that I could hurt because, like my counselor talked, you know, really worked with me on how, like this is why you're feeling the way you're feeling and this is probably why you're doing this it gave me a reason to feel hurt Because, like I said before, at this point, I you know, my sister ended up living with my mom. I was the one who lived with my grandparents. I had, you know, food on the table every night, a nice home, and my sister didn't, and so this whole time I felt like I didn't have a right to feel the pain of being, you know, having a childhood that wasn't that great, um, and so to, yeah, to be told like, hey, this year it wasn't right, all those things that happened, um, that was very validating for me as a young person, I guess, and made me realize like, okay, so I do have a right to feel all these things. I think that's was really helpful wow yeah, um, but it didn't really like.
Speaker 2:It helped me recognize that, um, you know this, this being the good child wasn't all what it was cracked up to be, but I was still very much in this. I can't make mistakes, though, um. I remember my senior year. I made a massive mistake. I um. Have you been to da?
Speaker 2:oh, yeah, I've been there several times so there's, you know to describe to everybody else, there's a atrium and then there's, um, like 12 to 14 feet below is the library, um and uh, then there's like a center circle, so there's. I don't know if I'm setting you got to describe this for people.
Speaker 1:Um, if, if you've never been to North Dakota in the winter time, you don't want to go outside, and so there's this huge complex of buildings that are all attached so you don't have to go outside, uh, the whole winter time, but you go a little stir crazy, am I? Am I right?
Speaker 2:yeah, yeah, so one. It was like a negative a million degrees below zero. I'm sure after basketball practice one Sunday morning a bunch of us were, instead of going you could go outside to the dorms, but it was so cold they let us go inside to the dorms and a few of us stayed on the inside, which we weren't supposed to, but we were just messing around and a couple of kids were jumping from the atrium.
Speaker 1:I knew that you were going to say that. I knew.
Speaker 2:To the library and I thought, oh, I'll do that. Oh no, put the couch underneath of me and they were landing just fine. But when I landed, like it was kind of a dare, it was kind of to show like I'm not afraid to do anything, and when I landed on the couch my ankle just snapped. It didn't break anything, but it ripped all the tendons in my ankle.
Speaker 1:Oh, my goodness.
Speaker 2:Yes, and so like instantly. So let me just set set a scene for you. I'm ASB president, I'm the captain of my basketball team. It's my senior year.
Speaker 2:Last semester and I January of 2004, I jump and I it felt like I was ruining everything, like I had before the tournament. Yes, yeah, it was like right before the tournament and I had to have an ambulance ride, three nights in the hospital, emergency surgery, and I didn't have insurance. I lived with my grandparents. They were retired and so based the schools like you sign a thing where you're on the school's insurance, and they said we're not covering this because it was intentional. So I'm getting out of that at you know. And then I had to have physical therapy and there was this like the wound wasn't healing, and so there was, like it was, a lot of medical. How much did that cost? So and it's not a lot compared to nowadays, cause I think medical costs are like through the roof, but at that time I'm pretty sure my bill was like forty eight thousand dollars, and so I was at a lot.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was. I guess surgery Surgery is probably. Yeah, now, but I mean forty eight thousand dollars for that stupid jump from the.
Speaker 2:Yes, and just I remember when I'm laying on the couch and my, my everybody's like staring down at me from the circle and the ambulance we're waiting for the ambulance and I remember somebody. I just like what did I do? I just was living in just so much shame of what did I do. What did I do? I can't believe I did this. We won't be able to afford this. I just was like it felt like my life was over at that moment, just in the yeah, financially. I like am I going to be able to go to college with $48,000 just hanging over my head? Like it didn't seem like you can't get a loan to pay off this stuff. You know it was. Yeah, just felt hot.
Speaker 1:I can't take it. How did it get paid off?
Speaker 2:So it was really crazy for for like five months they said we're not going to pay it and I ended up I was going to go work at a camp camp in Idaho, as in and I ended up staying home and working as a CNA to make more money because I thought like, if any chance I'm going to have to work in to pay this off, um, in July of that year, um, so it happened in January and in July my grandma and I had been praying and we called or she called one last time to just say, you know, ask again if they would. And they apparently just had some sort of meeting and approved it to go through insurance.
Speaker 1:Oh my gosh From the academy or from.
Speaker 2:I think so. I don't know exactly the inner workings of all of that, of who was approving, if it was the insurance company or if it was the education board or what, who, how, how did that all went down, but it definitely was a stressful five or six months.
Speaker 1:That's a huge blessing Cause if you want to know how to live in poverty, one of the main things you can do, uh, like for sure, like have a kid before you know you've graduated from high school or you're married. That's a. That's a great chance you want to live in poverty. Another one is to get in a serious accident without insurance yes, yep and you're just set up to be a poor person forever, pretty yeah oh yeah it felt it was just life-changing when that that news came through.
Speaker 2:But it was also just a real lesson for my grandma in prayer, because when I, my dad and I always went to church together and I always asked my grandma and grandpa, you guys want to come to church? And they had history in the Adventist church but were asked to leave at some point. Um, during the really um, judgmental era, the 70s, I feel like there was a pretty, pretty tough time.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so they had a lot of church hurt, but also I don't think that church, that God was really. I don't think that relationship with God. I think they had an obligation to their families and so when they were asked to leave the church, I think it was a relief to them. And so, anyway, fast forward to when I lived with them. I'd always asked them to but they never wanted to go with me. No, we won't go with you.
Speaker 2:But I overheard my grandma talking to her friend once and she said man, marla and Carl just have a light in them and I really want that and that was probably my close to my academy years or before, and so God had been really working on their hearts, and so for my grandma to see this answer to prayer like this was just really pivotal to her relationship with God, to see that he is real and that there is. He is her Heavenly Father. I think it was just a really huge blessing to her. Even though it was like six months of financial turmoil for myself, god turned it to be something really amazing. Wow, yeah, it was be something really amazing. Wow, yeah, it was really, really cool.
Speaker 2:And so, within my um, that following um, so that 2004, the thanksgiving of 2004, my grandparents both of them were re-baptized into the church. Um, and so that was just such such an amazing thing to see from growing up, them not coming at all and having you know them, seeing God change my life really changed them and their perspective of God, and so that, as I look back in freedom, it really is beautiful that they gave me so much, but I also brought a lot of light to their life. I wasn't such a burden as I had felt for so long.
Speaker 1:So at this point God is a God of miracles, but he's not really speaking to who you believe you are from the inside.
Speaker 2:No, yeah, I feel like I'm still in seeking. I know God is there and I know he loves me, but I don't get my self-worth. I get my self-worth from the way I look at this point, um, and and how people treat me and, um, people's views of me is how I view myself. Um and so, going into college, I really started, um, like my body was never enough, like I needed to be skinnier. I need. I was not pretty, I was not there, I was never enough. Um and so I started having disordered eating and an eating disorder, um, in college that disordered eating is is different than an eating disorder.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Disordered eating is just, is more having like, uh, eating disorder is like when you're like I was throwing up most of the food that I ate. Um, in disordered eating and this is just layman terms is, um, when your view of food, food is so skewed that you do things like I convinced myself that I was allergic to dairy for a really long time so I could just be vegan. But it wasn't being vegan for health reasons, it was just because I thought it would help in that journey. Does that make sense? It's really your relationship with food is very disordered.
Speaker 1:So did you know you had, like, when you're throwing up everything, did you know like, yeah, this is an eating disorder. I know what this is, I just don't know how to get out of it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, know, like yeah, this is an eating disorder. I know what this is, I just don't know how to get out of it. Yeah, but I also just felt so, um, it felt like the only way, like I felt so hideous that this was the only way to achieve um duty, if that makes sense. And it doesn't make. It doesn't make, it doesn't make any logical sense. But this was where my mind was at, was in this place, and so, when I went to El Salvador as a student missionary, the the dissonance.
Speaker 1:Did you eat the pupusas?
Speaker 2:You probably didn't even eat the pupusas. I love pupusas. Yes, I did eat the pupusas, but I definitely. I felt like I really just tried not to continue to throw up my food there because it felt so like here we have a country that's living in so much poverty and here's me having so much that I can throw up my food. Does that like it was such a huge dissonance in my mind that, like, how so so they'd added to this guilt that I just I feel like I was had a, a cup of guilt and I just kept putting all the things like you're eating too much and now you're throwing it up and now you don't even appreciate what you have, kind of thing. Like it was just this cup of guilt was getting bigger and bigger. It wasn't getting overfilled, it was just getting bigger.
Speaker 2:I was holding on to so much guilt and so I feel like my I'm not sure if it was my junior, yeah, my junior year of college I remember visiting my grandparents, my mom's parents, and looking in the mirror and seeing how skinny I actually was, and it was almost like God took the scales off my eyes and like I don't know why you're doing this to this body I made for you. And right then, and there I felt that just the desire to stop overeating and throwing up just went, went away and I stopped cold Turkey as it uh like I just it was really, uh, an amazing thing God's just pointed out hey, you, you have an amazing body, um, I don't know why, in in a like I wasn't overly confident, but you know, I'm like, look at it's just such a beautiful thing that I've made. I don't know why you don't see how beautiful it is, um, and so that left me for a really long time I'd feel like I thought like that that was a huge miracle and I was really thankful, thankful, um to God for that. That, because I definitely was.
Speaker 2:It's like a secret sin. You know, you never talk about your, you never tell your friends what you're doing. Like all of that was all secret, no one. When you say, oh, I'm feeling fat, and like, oh, but you're not fat, you're so skinny, so it like you can't ever really talk about that with anybody, it's all, it's all just inside.
Speaker 1:Yeah, for sure For sure. Okay, we're going to take a real quick break. It is the new year. We just had our end of the year. Push man, you guys blessed us so much. Uh, we want to be able to continue to do this, and every, every little bit is so helpful. We see every single week people who want to understand, who want to believe what the word of God says about them, and we want to be able to tell them about it. So, when you partner with us, when you bless us, this is able to help us. Just move this message forward so you can go to loverealityorg slash give and we can keep this thing moving into 2025. Thank you so much for your support so far and please consider continuing so we can get this message out there.
Speaker 2:All right, let's get back to the show really good for me that I I felt loved, but I also think that I thought it would fill me more than it did. Do you know what I'm saying? I think for sure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, we're like marriage is going to be the answer yes, yeah, we do. I think that and marriage is good and it's good to not be alone, but if you're getting uh, your value and from the other person, then you're only as good as how they're treating you and what. If they have a bad day, then you have a bad day.
Speaker 2:Yes, that's how it was, and my husband, eric, is amazing and he's never made me feel like I'm the cause of his bad days. But I definitely have this idea If he's having a bad day, then it must be because of me, and if it's not because of me, then it is my job to fix it. And so just living in this roller coaster of his emotions was really hard and I felt like I just I really am in a very empathetic person, and so when I would walk into a room of people, if someone was having a bad day in that room, I either felt like it was my fault or I needed to fix their bad day, or, you know, bad day or bad time, whatever, you know, I needed to make it better. And so I have this massive amount of weight. I'm carrying everyone else's feelings for no reason, right, but I, I feel like.
Speaker 1:Well, the reason is you're uncomfortable.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Like their discomfort says something about you, and so, while we want it to be out of love, sometimes it's out of yeah, like we need to be okay, and so we're going to do it Right.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that that's. That's exactly what it what it was. I made me uncomfortable and it felt like that uncomfortableness pointed out a flaw in me somehow. So, um, fast forward to having kids and I I really feel like I, early on in recognizing my um like my view of my body that I I knew when I had my daughter Julia.
Speaker 2:I knew that I did not want to pass any sort of self uh hatred onto her, as I feel like so many women before before us. They like I don't know if you heard your mom talk about her weight or sister I feel like it. It used to be the thing all women talk about and want is, like they felt like their desire or their desirability is based on how they look and how skinny they are, and so they are always dieting, eating low fat, and that that that I knew right away that that's not the mentality I wanted to have um with the daughter. So I uh like I think that the self-consciousness and and not really loving my body was still there, but it didn't ever surface and it didn't ever talk about it, or I wasn't ever, you know, going on diets or anything to achieve this said body Um. But one thing I just going back to, like the birth of my daughter, I feel like was really pivotal in um my mind.
Speaker 2:I felt so much relief when she was born because I really felt this is hard to say, but I felt like finally I don't have to earn somebody's love. There's somebody in this world who has to love me because I'm her mom. There's nothing I had to do to earn her love, I'm just her mom. And what a huge relief it was to have someone in this world that I could. I didn't have to put on a show for, I didn't have to do all the things for, and I didn't really recognize it until after I found freedom. How much pressure that is to put on a child, um, but also how unhealthy it is for me to think that I've had to earn all this love. Any any love that I've ever gotten was because I earned it, not because it was given to me freely um, yeah yeah, so uh and I there's a those, couple, those while.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that's heartbreaking, yeah, that's heartbreaking but yeah, I feel like um news, though there's so much good news. So the year was 2021, summer of 2021. We're a big American Ninja Warrior family. Do you watch that show or know of it?
Speaker 1:I know of it.
Speaker 2:I don't think I've ever seen an episode, but I, it sounds pretty cool. Yeah, we, we love watching it. And um quentin is in a class and eric is goes to the gym here all the time. It's pretty fun for our family. We love watching it. We have a obstacle course in our front yard um, that's based off of those obstacles and stuff.
Speaker 2:But one of the elite ninjas that was competing in August of 2021, he had donated his kidney to a friend, um, it's like four or five years before that, and here he was being an elite athlete and so I thought, oh, that's so cool, I would love to do something like that. So I, um, reached out to the the national kidney registry and I, before I did this, I prayed like a lot. So I reached out to the National Kidney Registry and before I did this, I prayed like God, if you don't want me to do this, if any of my tests come back not normal, I'll give up this idea of donating my kidney. And my tests all came back great, and it turns out I had two magnificent kidneys and they're like you can donate one if you want. So I decided in february of 2022, just to someone.
Speaker 1:You were just going to donate it to someone yeah, just to someone.
Speaker 2:It was so like it. Uh, looking back now I feel like it was the beginning of God calling me out of this people pleasing place, because I don't know what your first thoughts are when you hear about someone donating organ to a stranger. But initially I'm pretty sure most people in my life thought that that was a pretty crazy thing to do. Like, why would you take a risk like that? You have kids. Why would you? You don't even know this person. Why would you do something like this? It wasn't met with. Oh, that's amazing. What a cool thing to do. It was more met with really, what are you going to do? And so I feel like when I went through with it and donated my kidney um, I like I was so excited and had so it was just such an amazing thing to, and I'm still so very proud that I I you know helped a stranger, a 45 year old male um, who had been waiting for five years for a kidney um. Post-op day one he was. His body was like he never had kidney disease, he was back to normal and was it? You know, in one, in one day, he went from actively dying to to living.
Speaker 2:But right after that I feel like I had so much shame for donating and I couldn't understand why. But it's good. Why do I feel this way? And it was because so much of my life I'd been doing what was expected of me, what was right of me, what everyone else wanted me to do was right of me, what everyone else wanted me to do. And this was probably the first thing I did, huge thing that I did. That wasn't something someone else wanted, and so in do it like so.
Speaker 2:Then, after it happened, my mind was like whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, we don't do stuff like this, we don't live this way. And I went into a depression. And they did warn me. They said that after you donate an organ, you might go through something kind of like a postpartum depression, where something is missing from your body. And I was like, well, I didn't know my left kidney was there, so why would I miss it if it's God? I didn't know my left kidney was there, so why would I miss it if it's God? But it turns out my mind with the accumulation of shame and I don't know if that medicine and just everything that my body went through I went, was in just a deep state of depression, wow, and in this time frame, johnny and Alyssa came and stayed at our house, so it was in June, and this was probably the real, the middle of, like I'm at my worst, probably, but very few people know because I'm really good at a putting on a mask of, and also, um, yeah, I didn't, it didn't.
Speaker 2:I feel like when you're that low, you it felt to me nobody wants to hear about this. Like you, it was your decision to donate. Now look where you're at. I know I feel like the devil really gets you when you're down.
Speaker 2:Context my, my kidney was in up in my left, um, up here, and they went in through my belly button here, so they go through this whole your whole torso to get to it. And so afterwards my torso was just thick, way more inflamed, or you, just because of so much inflammation, because they go in through your belly button to get way back up here. And so, um, how do they? How do they? Even I don't even get it out. I know, right, it's, it's really crazy. They had, he told me, cause, uh, my surgeon, the transplant surgeon, was a, is a big dude and has huge hands and incision wasn't that big. I was like, how did you reach your hand in there and get that? We said, if you, they lay you on your stomach, your wound kind of gapes open. And so I was like, oh, okay, I guess I can kind of understand, but I don't, I don't know quite how they get through all this stuff to get it mercy oh.
Speaker 2:But so not only am I feeling depressed, but my body is different than it had been. And along comes Alyssa, who is the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen. I feel like she's so beautiful and she just seemed like a goddess that summer and I was feeling like an absolute ogre, like just huge and ugly. And she comes and stays at our house, house, and she's the sweetest person. It's not like I'm not, I'm just feeling like this contrast seems quite obvious to me, like how, how, how does my husband even want to be with me when women like Alyssa exist? It felt like um, but she, uh, they were talking, talking. They were on their way to, um, the tetons for the love reality meet, oh, yeah, yeah. So they stayed at our house and I, um, I, I. There's something different about her because she and I, um had been friends before. There's's something different. She had this amazing amount of confidence and she just was glowing and I was. I felt like it was just.
Speaker 2:The contrast was quite something in my mind. But one morning I noticed that she had gotten a tattoo and I just asked her like, oh, you have a tattoo. And she, yeah, and she, she showed me her other tattoo. Oh, you have a tattoo, um, and she, yeah, and she, and then she told me her other tattoo. And then I knew her dad was a pastor and I was like, so what does your, your pastor of a dad, think of that tattoo? Um, and she said you know, like, honestly, I think she said I don't think he knows yet, but honestly it really doesn't matter, because all that matters is God's opinion of me. And that was just like what you don't care, what other people think about you. This is where I've been living, is in this place of, all I care about is people's opinions, and you're telling me that you don't care. And you're telling me that you don't care.
Speaker 2:And then her and Johnny talked about how, like, what freedom has done for them and how their marriage is so different. And at this point, like when you feel like junk, you definitely don't feel lovable. And I, every day whether or not he, like he, never said anything, but eric, like my husband, if I would always ask him are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Like every single day had gotten to like an all-time high. At this point, like before it wasn't all the time, but now it was all the time.
Speaker 2:I was so what's the word? I so insecure about his love and so for to hear them talk about their love for one another. Didn't depend on, you know, if Johnny was having a bad day and being mean, alyssa said I I still love him because his, my love for him, doesn't depend on if he's having a bad day or not. And all of this just blew my mind. I couldn't even fathom it. And they're trying to tell me what freedom is.
Speaker 2:And I can't get past this idea of not thinking, not caring about what other people think, because I just think like man, I would like to, I would like to be there because I'm like, I'm just in such a low spot in my life, but I it felt so impossible. So they, they went to the Tetons and then came back, I don't know, maybe a week later or a few days later. Um, while they were there, I started listening to the podcast, your podcast, and I started with people I knew, so like I started with your, your episodes, richard, and I feel like that was really Life changing to see your life change so much, because I just remember you from college. You seemed you were complete opposite than you are now. I feel like you were. I don't want to say anything mean, but like God really changed your life.
Speaker 1:You're really cool now, you were not cool.
Speaker 2:But just knowing you felt like more of a popular kid and guy in college and just said all sorts of crazy things off the wall things, and then to hear your story was just like whoa, is this the same, richard?
Speaker 2:Like just to hear god transform your life from what you, how you were living before, to to now. It was just amazing, especially that the part where you talked about, um, you're the principal of the academy right, it was a principal. And and then then what happened with the conference and then how you had no hatred for them, like that that was just huge, a huge witness to me to see how god was just gave you so much love that you didn't have any room to be bitter or fresh. I mean, like I'm sure there was frustration, but you didn't hold on to any of that because it didn't matter what they thought. All that matters is what God's things right. I feel like that was just so evident in your life in that story that, um, I thought I, whatever, whatever this is, I want it, but how do you achieve this understanding? And then I talked to you at some point during this time and you just that, just you know you have it, it's there. You just have to believe it.
Speaker 1:You and I talked.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's what I told you. I said this is yours now, already in Jesus yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:And you said I mean, imagine if I gave you a million dollars but you still felt like you needed to go panhandle for money because you feel poor doesn't mean you are poor, though, like the money's still there. I remember that being very pivotal. Like you're, you're rich in your heavenly father, and even if you don't feel like it, um, and so I guess, from that point on, freedom kind of worked its way into my heart and a man I've just it was like a massive load off my shoulders, um, it was like a massive load off my shoulders, um. I no longer felt the need to get affirmation from other people, I. I felt like it just opened up my eyes to how much love there is in the world, um, and how how loved I am and how I can love other people unconditionally. It was just huge.
Speaker 1:So when we, when you were hearing about freedom from Johnny and Alyssa, what was this main concept that was different? What were they describing that was different? About God that you were like what is this?
Speaker 2:um, well, I mean it really, seeing her have a tattoo, I was pretty judgy, Like, oh people, you're not supposed to have tattoos because what's that going to look like when you're older and your body is the temple of God, so why would you put a tattoo on it? You know that type of. You put a tattoo on it, you know that type of. And to hear her say that I I'm okay with it because I know that I am loved no matter what, like just that. That was so different than what I have felt my entire life of. And it's not like she was going off and doing whatever she wanted and knowing she was loved. She was living from this place of love and that was just monumental to me to be able to live like you are so deeply loved.
Speaker 1:So how was the revelation that you were loved? What was the thing, the concept there, or the idea that God had done this? And so now you know that you're loved.
Speaker 2:I don't know if it was, if I can think of like a moment, it just because I do remember talking to them once. I kind of got the concept. It was like, man, I want this, but how do I? Because it felt like for Alyssa's story. She had a light bulb moment, like she went to bed and it worked on her overnight and then when she woke up in the morning she just recognized it and I was like, well, I want, I want my light bulb to turn on.
Speaker 1:Yeah, hers was Roman Romans 8.1. I remember that morning that she texted all of us and it was there's therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I guess she had been feeling seriously condemned.
Speaker 2:Yes, yeah, and I feel like I was. I have always felt really condemned and felt like I needed to earn everybody's love, including God's, up to that point. But then mine was more of a slow like. I don't think there's love, including God's, up to that point. But then mine was more of a slow like. I don't think there was a moment when I understood it. It was a slow understanding of how loved I am and I didn't have to do all the things and if I didn't do my devotions it didn't mean God didn't love me any less.
Speaker 1:Um, it's kind of like you were giving up the religious baggage.
Speaker 2:Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1:And, and I'm just thinking Romans five, eight, but God shows his love for us and that, while we were still sinners, christ died for us. This idea that you had to earn god's love um has to be thrown out. When he loved you before you loved him, yes, when, while you were his enemy, while you were against him. Yeah, like everything is a response to god's love, not god responding to our behavior, our good behavior, our bad behavior. It's just like he loves because he loves, he doesn't love because you're good yeah, yes, exactly, and just having that understanding was has been literally life-changing.
Speaker 2:I I would say I mean from that, from when I understood it, that in July of 22,. Like I had not asked Eric, are you mad at me? Like, when he's having a bad day, he's allowed to have a bad day and it's not on me. He, my, my kids are allowed to have bad days and it's not my fault, although I feel like they think it is most of the time. I know, you know, like it's not when people are allowed to have feelings around me and I don't own those feelings anymore, I don't try to make them better. I don't try or feel like, oh, it must be something I did, I'm never good enough for them, kind of idea.
Speaker 1:So this has been not necessarily. I guess you understand some of the theology, like when I came to and preach I did just kind of heavy on theology but this has been more of a spiritual experience for you, not just like, oh, a connection of the dots with this verse to this verse, and oh, romans 6 says this, and oh Romans, it's more of a revelation of God's love.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's a real. The love has been there. I just didn't recognize it and it really. I feel like it's opened up my eyes to before, where I was feeling judged, I felt like I needed to judge, where now I'm feeling so loved that it gives me new eyes for other people, to just love people instead of judging them, instead of finding time finding things for when they're wrong. You know, I'm finding things for when they're wrong, you know.
Speaker 2:And about a year after I found freedom, my sister, a birthday present she gave me, was a tattoo, which is huge, because I was always very judgmental of people with tattoos, and so it's like a reminder.
Speaker 2:It says I am enough because I've been living so long with this idea that I am not enough, like I have to do all of the things. But it's a constant reminder to a like those who have tattoos aren't going to hell. You know this idea that you kind of pick up on these like little things throughout life, like, oh, if I do this, I'm going to go to hell, or I do this, I'm going to go to hell, or eat pork, I'm going to life like, oh, if I do this, I'm gonna go to hell, or I do this I'm gonna go to hell or eat pork, I'm gonna like. There's just so many things that what I don't know someone ever told me these things, but it kind of accumulates in this like this is how you go to hell. Do all these things right when, um, when, in reality, um, that's not the case, so yeah so what do you feel like you're growing in now?
Speaker 1:What has he been teaching you? You know, since this happened 2021, that was a long time ago. Now we're on the eve of 2025. What's he growing you in?
Speaker 2:It's really. I feel like I'm continually amazed at how loved I am and how he's working in my life at this juncture. So about a year ago yeah, a year ago, in January 1st, my husband and I bought a big bagel shop here in Rapid City and I had been working as a nurse and I gave that up. Um, or I feel like God took that off of my heart. Um, about a month before we were gonna buy the shop, it became evident that I couldn't both work as a nurse, homeschool our children and um assist in running the business. Um, and so, uh, I quit my job and um and I've always loved being a nurse.
Speaker 2:I felt like before kids, it was my I just my first love, I love it. I feel like I'm really good at it. God gave me so much empathy and I have just fabulous bedside manner and I just love being a nurse. And then when he's like I think you should quit your job, so I quit. And then this whole year my heart has just really been changing so, so much that I don't think I'm going to go back to being a nurse and I feel just called into some sort of ministry, and I don't even know what that looks like, but just God has been working in my heart in leadership ways and that I yeah, I'm just in a totally different spot, which is all these. It's just like a miracle to see how God has shifted my focus and my love to something that I never thought I would.
Speaker 1:Yeah, never was on my radar you know, I never really got to know you. I don't think we ever really had a conversation until maybe 2021, when you're like um, but you've always been a sincere person Like I.
Speaker 1:Obviously I could tell from afar like that's a real person Seems like a lot of people that went to DAA like there's, there's no time to not, it's too cold to not be a real person, Right, yeah, and so I always knew you were just super sincere and hearing you these last few years it was. It was fun to get up there and hang out with you guys last year, just seeing your life and how God has revealed himself to you and how that's changed you man, what a blessing and what a testimony I've seen in your life and Eric's life and everybody up there in Rapid. I guess, yeah, God is just going to keep doing more, more of the same loving you, you receiving it and you loving other people. I wrote down as you're talking.
Speaker 1:You know we used to talk about freedom all of the time, freedom and I was thinking like, have I talked about freedom lately? And I know I'm always talking about freedom from sin, but what you're describing and how you get to love, that's been that's, that's been a blessing for me tonight. Where are we going to go back? If you could jump in the time machine, I'm thinking freshman year marla of of union, and you're in the girl's dorm and you're, you're, you hate what you look like. If you got to go and put your arm around this girl and who's always trying to make it right and do the right thing, and it's killing her, what would you say to this, this sweetheart of a lady?
Speaker 2:probably hug her and tell her man, you're so loved and you're so beautiful, and not in a vain way, but you're just a beautiful human being, um, and god made you that way, made you the way you are. And, yeah, just, I think sometimes I've always thought that my how sincere I am and how loving I am has been a flaw in my life, like I'm just a pushover and a doormat and I just love too much. And after finding freedom, I feel like it and I just love too much. And after finding freedom, I feel like God's, like no, this is exactly how I want you to be. I made you this way. I made you with a heart that wants to donate your organs to a stranger. I made you this way. And to know that I just love on that freshman girl who thought that she wasn't lovable, that you are.
Speaker 1:Man. I'm so encouraged. Thank you, marla, for sharing your story. You're a testimony and you're a blessing to all of us. Thank you, richard.
Speaker 2:This ministry is obviously life-changing for me me and I am so thankful for it.
Speaker 1:Oh, praise the Lord, man, it is so awesome to just hear stories of people who were just loved by God, and that's where we're going, just being believers. That's where we're going, just being believers when it says that he loves us. We're just going to believe him. If you're right there and you want to believe, then this prayer is for you Father in heaven, I want to believe. Show me how to live, not by feelings, but by faith. Show me that I can believe you at your word and that I can hide my heart in it and just see it. Show me these things, reveal them to me. Open my eyes. In Jesus's name, amen. Don't forget to hit up Internet Church. We're back on our yearly schedule. It's going to be every other friday night, if you're listening to this, when it comes out, we're having internet church, uh, this week. So uh, would love to see you there. Love y'all. Appreciate y'all bye.