Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#207 Rachel Gorrell: Relationship Lessons: The Lies of Lonlieness
This episode dives deep into the heartfelt story of Rachel, who shares her transformative journey of faith and self-discovery. Raised in a Christian environment, Rachel grappled with the pressures of societal expectations and feelings of unworthiness. In this candid conversation, she reflects on her early life, revealing how shyness and self-doubt shaped her relationships and choices.
Rachel takes us through her experiences of heartbreak, including her engagement that ended in a powerful moment of liberation, leading her to reflect on the deeper implications of her desires. Instead of clinging to the notion that relationships define worth, she learns to embrace God's unconditional love, which reshapes her identity and perspective on life. This episode serves as a reminder that while seeking heartfelt connections is part of human nature, the ultimate fulfillment comes from placing trust in God's timing and purpose for our lives.
Join us as Rachel inspires listeners to break free from societal molds and to cultivate belief systems rooted in God's grace, fostering healing and hope in every season of life. Whether you're currently navigating singlehood or reflecting on past relationships, this discussion encourages everyone to lean into faith, find wholeness in God, and trust in the beauty of His plans for the future. Listen, share, and be uplifted!Rachel discusses the challenges she's faced with self-acceptance and relationships.
💰 DONATE & SUPPORT our Ministry: lovereality.org/give
👍 LIKE us on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/alovereality
📷 FOLLOW us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/riyoung31/
📚 LEARN more at our site: lovereality.org
Download the Love Reality app. Available in the App Store & Google Play.
The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life, yo. Welcome to the Dead to Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my sister. I've known her longer than anyone else, I think, who has ever been on this podcast. Her name is Rachel and she has a powerful story that I think will resonate with a lot of people.
Speaker 1:I think the lie of not being enough comes in when we think about relationships, and so, man, rachel goes into her story and I think that you'll see the beauty of knowing that you're whole and you're complete in Jesus Christ. So let's buckle up and strap in for Rachel Gorel Love y'all, appreciate y'all. All right, I was thinking about this as I'm known to do, and I'm pretty sure that you're the person who will be on the podcast that has known me for the longest time, because this year it would be 30 years that we've known each other and I haven't had anyone blood related to me on the. I haven't had anyone blood related to me on the podcast yet. So, like I know, my one of my cousins is planning on coming on, I had a cousin's husband and we've known each other since the year of our Lord 1995. Cause that's when I moved to Kansas city, you were in the fifth grade and I was in the sixth grade.
Speaker 2:Yep.
Speaker 1:And so I'm trying to think I've known Mulenga. I've known her since maybe 99 or 2000. I'm trying to think did I know anyone else been on the podcast, like Alyssa Velite or Lauren, but they were all high school. I don't think I've. I don't think there's anyone I've known since the sixth grade, so we've known each other for quite a bit of time and are we recording right now like yeah yeah, we are.
Speaker 2:Because I remember you coming into Sabbath school and you're just like this ball of energy and I'm like who is this kid?
Speaker 1:Yeah, not only did we go to the same school, we've gone to the same church forever.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and that's when I just moved to New Haven, because before that I was at a different Adventist church and my family had just started going to New Haven.
Speaker 1:So yeah, I was trying to remember too if it was fifth grade or sixth grade, but it's been a while yeah, uh, the first person that we saw at midland when we walked in was alissa, and you were, uh, best buddies with alissa back then and uh, that is then we met you. You were in mrs welch's class and I was in mr pelto's class actually I was never in mrs welch's class, I remember oh no, I never had Mrs Welch. Did you skip fifth grade?
Speaker 2:In fifth grade. Who was in fifth grade then? I can't remember her name. It'll come to me when we're done. She wasn't very memorable, I guess.
Speaker 1:Oh, Mrs Cotton.
Speaker 2:I'm so sorry If you ever hear this Mrs Cotton. I'm so sorry. If you ever hear this Mrs Cotton, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 1:Oh dear, she wasn't very, very long in Midland. That was her only year, I think, for some things, yeah, for some things. So, rachel, we've known each other the longest. Where are you taking us back? Where are you going to start the story? If you're going to start the story of your, you know your spiritual journey where god has taken you, where are we going? Kansas?
Speaker 2:we're going? We're going back to um, probably when I'm high school, but I have something that I think we need to all see, because I was looking through some pictures and I found something. Do you recognize?
Speaker 1:That is. That's junior year for me, sophomore year for you.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, we were prince and princess.
Speaker 2:Yes, we were.
Speaker 1:I was very proud of that year I think, yeah, okay, so now you're the second banquet date that I've ever had on the podcast, because I did take natalie to one banquet in college. That that is cool. Um, that is hilarious. Where, what was that picture? And you just have the random.
Speaker 2:Like I was going to code action, like you took it to the drug store you know, back in the day since we are so old now you could, you know didn't know what you were going to get until you got them printed at the store. And I was just going through pictures a couple weeks ago and I was like, oh my goodness, look what I found that that's a good one.
Speaker 1:Also, I, loki uh, dated your sister, not Not really, but kind of, we're just going for the listener, we're just showing the memories. Yes, all right, so you've shown us the picture. You say we're going back to high school. Talk to me about that. Talk to me about that.
Speaker 2:High school that girl that was in the picture she was extremely shy, masked the shyness by doing really well in school was go to college, get married, start having a family and just start living the life, the dream, and I didn't really have an idea of how exactly it would work, I just knew it would work.
Speaker 1:Um, if that makes sense. And so, um, as you grow up sorry, what were you going to say? I was just going to ask who like what was your standing with God at this point? Like you were a pretty, like you were a goody goody in the sense that when that I've never known you to get in trouble, but you weren't really super outspoken about spiritual things either. Where was your standing in your mind with God growing up through all of this?
Speaker 2:I was very devoted to God. I wanted to do the right thing in His eyes. I didn't like letting Him down. I didn't like letting my parents down. I loved the Lord so much I just couldn't verbalize it very well. Um, I was really good about thinking about things, but then putting those thoughts into words didn't usually come out very eloquently, and so I spent a large majority of my first 20 years of my life doing, uh, not very much talking to other people about things, but in my small circle of trusted people is where I shared those thoughts with, and then mostly my diary, like my journal. I I've journaled since I was probably 10. So it would be writing those thoughts down. And I was very scared to talk in front of a large group of people about anything about God or my thoughts or feelings, because I didn't have high confidence in myself, and so I just thought I'm not going to talk at all because I don't want to be made fun of or sound crazy or ridiculous.
Speaker 1:So was the shyness because, like your personality, you're more introverted and you're kind of soft spoken Was like your personality you're more introverted and you're kind of soft spoken or was the shyness more about not looking stupid or not saying something like lack of confidence?
Speaker 2:I think it was all of the above. I remember times where I would try to be funny with friends and it would fall flat and I would get made fun of. I would try to say something and the words just came out garbled, and so when you have so many of those experiences, you just it's better if I don't say anything. But I was very shy. I was not very shy, though, around my family, so they got to see the real me my family.
Speaker 1:So they got to see the real me and the real you, who was the real you, that your actual personality, that that they got to see.
Speaker 2:Not worried about what other people think. I can just make mistakes and I know that they'll love me anyways. Just not afraid to be me.
Speaker 1:So a little more free.
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay, all right. So you had this plan, um, get married, have kids, and this was your plan. Do you? Was this just a normal like this is what I want, or did you have it like from a young age? What was it? Was it about marriage and kids was? Was that the main thing, or was it? Talk to me about that a little bit.
Speaker 2:I think most little girls dream of their wedding and when you grow up watching Disney movies and that kind of influence, you just think, okay, this is what I should be eventually doing with my life. And yeah, having somebody want to spend the rest of their life with me, that sounds fabulous and wonderful. And God created me to have children and that sounds like a great thing. I want a family. I loved my family. I loved being around people who were married. Um, they. I've had so many wonderful mentors who were married, who've poured into me, um, and I thought this, this is something I want. Um, and I know that marriage is ordained by God and he gave that as a gift. Um, adam and Eve. Marriage is ordained by God and he gave that as a gift Adam and Eve. And so when you are raised in the church and you hear all of these wonderful things about marriage and family and God wants us to have that, it was just something that my mind naturally gravitated towards and I just wanted it.
Speaker 1:Fair enough, you know fair enough. So what? What happened? What tell me the story?
Speaker 2:Um, I graduated from high school never having a date like a boyfriend I should say Um, and I didn't really think it was that big of a deal. I was too scared to talk to guys anyways, unless we were on a banquet type thing, um, and so it wasn't like a woe is me type, and so it wasn't like a woe is me type. Failure in my eyes Went to college. I didn't go to an Adventist college. I went to two years of community college, still extremely shy. I didn't get asked out hardly at all, and if somebody did ask me out, I think I probably tried to get out of it because I was too nervous to go. I went out a couple of times with a couple of people and it didn't go well, and so I just thought you know what? It's, okay, I'm just going to focus on my school and I'm going to graduate from college. So I did.
Speaker 2:And then, after community college, I went to two years of a Christian college here in the Kansas City area and I became an elementary teacher and I remember graduating and thinking okay, I'm 22. I've never had a real relationship. Um, maybe I should start thinking about trying to get that worked out. I should start in that direction, and so I tried the online dating thing. Um, it was not so accepted back then. Um, there was more of a oh, you're doing online dating, oh, you can't find anybody in real life. It was very different, um, so I, I met someone, um, we started talking online a lot and we eventually met um, and we dated for two years and it was a long distance relationship, a very long distance relationship. Um, he was from another country, still in North America, but, um, we did get engaged. And then, um, I realized it was not something that I wanted. I could not see myself marrying him after all, and so, um, I called that wedding off. Um, and then, um, soon after that, I lost my teaching job.
Speaker 1:That must've been. How? What year was this going on? I?
Speaker 2:think I remember hearing about this we, we, let's see.
Speaker 1:I broke up with him in 2010 so how I'm trying to say I'm interested. I don't want you to say anything. You don't want to say how did you know? Like this isn't going to happen, or this, like did it take a lot of guts to to just call it off?
Speaker 2:Um, when he asked me to marry him, I knew it wasn't right in my gut and it's just a woman's intuition. We have it Sometimes, we use it, sometimes we don't and I just knew he was not supposed to be my husband, I was not supposed to be his wife, but I said yes anyways, which is not a good thing. I thought maybe I was wrong about my intuition. So we started down the path of planning this wedding, and a few months into it, I just couldn't go on any further, because I couldn't picture myself the day of like saying I do, and that's a huge red flag. So I made the hard decision to.
Speaker 2:I think I was just ready to have all of these feelings be gone, and just like I need this out of my life right now. I've lost my job, I'm no longer engaged, I need to figure my life out here, and so that's what I did. It was not easy, believe me. It was very, very difficult. I was relieved the moment it happened, though, so that's the key If you know you've done the right thing, you feel relieved and like weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
Speaker 1:You don't have to tell me that I am the biggest proponent for breaking up. My dating advice is always to break up. Anybody who's come to me in that kind of thing I've always said break up. And I've broken up several relationships. I always think it works out, though I always think that if you break up.
Speaker 1:I always think that if you break up, then you have a moment of clarity. Either it's what am I doing or your sense was relief. Oh man, I'm glad I'm out of that. And you can't go wrong. If you break up and you weren't supposed to break up, guess what you can do. You can get back together. If you break up and it wasn't going well, well then you're already broken up, and so I don't see a way you lose in that, because but I do see a way you lose. The other way to just stick it through when it doesn't seem like it's wisdom and so. But it's super hard, it is very difficult to do it. But it's super hard, it is very difficult to do it. That's why I think that's why a lot of bad relationships get fused together. I think so too, absolutely. So you lost your job. Where was your self-worth value? Take, take a beating after this, or how did you look at yourself?
Speaker 2:I felt like I went through an early midlife crisis because I'm no longer someone's Beyonce girlfriend woman, I'm no longer a teacher, I've lost my job. And then I just remember running to God's arms and just saying I don't know what to do. Things have not panned out the way I expected. This is not what I envisioned for my life 10 years ago, and I don't know what's happening. Um, so I just threw myself into God's arms and just read as much of the Bible as I could. I was listening to sermons all the time.
Speaker 2:Um, I stopped listening to regular music and just listen to Christian music, so I was inundating my life with Jesus. At no point did I ever stop going to church. I didn't push people away. It was more like I need the people who know me best close around me and, um, I made sure to talk to people about it and to get healing. I didn't date for two years because I was. I'd never been through a heartbreak before. This had been my first heartbreak, my first real relationship, and it was. It was hard to get through, um, but I made it through.
Speaker 1:Fine, it was hard to get through, but I made it through fine.
Speaker 2:Wow. So then when you get back into it, how, how did that go? I think I was optimistic, still started dating. I would meet some guys here and there, like at church or um, what have you tried the online dating thing again? Um, and when I did that, I just had this sense from God saying this is not for you, I don't want you doing online dating, and I haven't since, and that's been hard, Um, but I just have to remind myself that's not where God wants me to be and he told me that for a reason. So I'm not going to do that. Um, I went through a six year period of not dating at all, not because I didn't want to, but because I liken it to a desert. There was nothing around and nothing being nobody. And I've talked to people about that before and they've said oh, God was hiding you for a reason, and maybe that was the case. But I became very desperate in that situation.
Speaker 1:God was hiding you for a reason that sounds weird to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I don't know what that means exactly Like he doesn't want you to be found yet because he's preserving you. That's kind of how I was taking it. He doesn't want you to get hurt, he doesn't want you to get into a relationship that isn't good for you, so he's hiding you to keep from that happening.
Speaker 1:You know, I hear things like that that we say to people and I it, and I struggle with it, to be honest with you, because what about all the people that did get in marriages that ended up in divorce, like God wasn't hiding them, but he's hiding this person over here and this person's able to go through this terrible thing and this? And I get it Like we say that to people because we want them to be comforted, like oh no, god has somebody real special for you, so you're not going to get married yet. But these people that got married and it's been terrible and there's been all of this, you know divorce and there's pain and what do you say to those people Like God didn't hide you, or God didn't protect you, or or people that are in abusive relationships? And so I feel like sometimes we're just saying things to try to comfort people when we don't know the actual truth or the actual answers, and we're just trying to placate them and I think that people kind of see through that. I'm not sure you you could tell me.
Speaker 2:I think you're absolutely correct.
Speaker 2:And now, when somebody told me that in the moment, because my heart was hurting and I was confused, I thought yeah that sounds great, but after so many years now and thinking about the things that people have told me that it was it, it came from a good place, but it it comes across, it hurts. Like I've been told you are going to waste. And this was somebody at church and I thought, oh my goodness, what a horrible thing to say. And then that compounds with my six year period of no dating and I'm thinking, wow, I really am going to waste, oh my goodness. And then someone else saying you are too picky. And I'm thinking, maybe I am. Maybe I shouldn't have such high standards. Um, but that's when it. If you lower those standards, that's a dangerous place to be. So it's these people who come from a good place, but the way they say it is very hurtful, very hurtful.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Going to waste. Anyway, I could say a little bit here, but you keep so. Six years, you decided to chill, weren't going to go to the online space. What happened next?
Speaker 2:I guess I should also mention throughout this whole time, um, once I graduated from college, um, I started getting more attention from men, and I had never experienced that. And so, um, I started realizing, oh, guys are paying attention to me. Oh, I must be attractive, guys are paying attention to me, oh, I must be attractive. And so it fed something that I didn't know was there. And so, like the picture of the girl, six, 15 year old, rachel she never got attention at all. And so whenever I would go somewhere, like um, to church or the grocery store or, um, you know wherever, I was always like scoping, like who's going to see me? Whose eyes am I going to attract, who's going to do a double take on me? And it just gave me a hit like, oh, he looked at me.
Speaker 2:Oh, yeah, oh, so during that like six year period, I I wasn't getting hardly any attention from anybody. And it does something to your, to you. And um, I thought, well, I must not be attractive. I mean, nobody's approaching me, nobody's asking me out. Um, what is wrong with me? Like that was what is wrong with me. Um, and it wasn't until literally last week that I was thinking why was I feeling like I was being punished. I felt like God was punishing me for keeping me single for so long and I have been thinking why did I think it was a punishment? And I finally figured out why, in my mind, I thought it was a punishment, because when we're kids and we get in trouble, where do our parents send us?
Speaker 2:To our room to be by ourselves, and so I equated that with. God is punishing me. I'm by myself, ergo I must've done something wrong. Why is he doing this? Because he could fix that in no time. I don't have to be by myself. So it wasn't until probably a year ago, after I'd been through a couple other relationships that didn't last very long, they weren't very healthy that I finally got to the point where I realized I had been wasting this precious time in my single life wishing it away, when I should have been spending that time communing with God more, figuring out who I am, more preparing myself for marriage. Because I didn't think there was anything wrong with me, I thought, well, it must be him that God is having to work on, because I'm just fine, I'm ready for marriage, I'm a teacher, I know how I can be a mom, I've babysat for years. He must have some things going on in his life that God really needs to work on. And yet it was me that was needing that myself.
Speaker 1:So in your mind, god had this one person for you and has always had this one person for you, and God's been working on him this whole time. That's what you had been thinking.
Speaker 2:I guess. So I guess I didn't really ever think it was just one person, but I probably did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, who knows, if that's how it works, right, I think God knows who it'll be, but we have free agency, right?
Speaker 2:Mm-hmm.
Speaker 1:I know that I've had some people who were single that were really frustrated when a relationship didn't work out, and they've mentioned, like God, god, god, like set this person up for me and I was like, well, why? Like they didn't tell god, didn't tell the other person, like the other person's gotta be down, like like how does god work like that? And I think that God gives us wisdom through Jesus for life. But he's also like we're free agency, like there's nothing set in stone in the sense that we make choices right, absolutely.
Speaker 2:Definitely.
Speaker 1:So through all this, it sounds like you had a skewed look at who God is through the lens of loneliness.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:What did that manifest in your thinking towards him? Just like, yeah, I don't want to put words in your mouth.
Speaker 2:Um, I was upset with him and, um, I thought it was his fault. So I placed blame on him for how my life had turned out and in actuality, my life has been great. Um, I, I've really been blessed, but it was that that one do some introspective thinking and looking inside, um, what is God's character really like? And he is. He is our father, but he's not like our earthly fathers, and I think I was attaching earthly father qualities to my heavenly father and that's going to get you nowhere. Real quick, real quick, because they do have some similarities. But our heavenly father is not going to punish us just because he wants to. He's not going to make me be alone because he thinks, well, she should be alone. So it was really understanding who he is, even though we can only understand a little bit, but then having to unlearn what I had attached to him, based off of earthly father things that I'd seen.
Speaker 1:Okay, we're going to take a quick break, but before you fast forward, don't do it I want to read you something that I think you're going to be so encouraged to hear. This is a message that Justin got the other day from somebody who has been, you know, taking in a lot of the love, reality stuff. He said hi, justin, thank you so much for your ministry. I really appreciate what you guys are doing. I'm a pastor from India. What Says your ministry is having an impact even here in India. I just wanted to let you know that this is so that I can be an encouragement for you. I love how you guys make it such a fun thing and yet there's such depth to the truth of what you're sharing online. It's touching people all around the world. The other thing I'm truly grateful for is the true, unadulterated gospel you are bringing to the world. I've experienced the power of the gospel, which turned me into a pastor. I encourage you to go all out and continue to do mighty work proclaiming the truth of the gospel. God bless you. Wow, what an encouraging message.
Speaker 1:In India, they're listening to this stuff, they're watching this stuff. Every day, someone is touched by the gospel and we just want to be able to keep on proclaiming it and shouting it from a mountaintop. We don't have that. We got this podcast, we got the Bible studies and we're only able to do that through you guys giving and partnering with us. So, thank you so much. You can go to loverealityorg slash, give and partner with us to keep getting this message out there. So people are touched all over the world. I know for sure that this podcast gets everywhere and it's because of people like you partnering with us. So once again, loverealityorg, let's get this gospel out there. All right, let's get back to the program. So how did you start getting a different revelation of who God is? When did that start?
Speaker 2:how did you start getting a different revelation of who God is? When did that start? Um, it started last summer. Um I? I was around some LRT people and I had I was still trying to heal from a heartbreak relationship breakup.
Speaker 1:Before you go into that, you've been friendly with Love Reality. Well, you've been friendly with Love Reality. You've known about us? Is it because we've gone to the same church? I know I had you over the house one time where Eddie and Jayla came and told a four-hour long testimony.
Speaker 2:Was that kind of your introduction into the Love Reality community just back then then, and you've always been like, oh, these are cool people, yeah, and that was 2020, early march of 2020, right before everything shut down for covid, so we were able to be together and then, like literally a week later, nobody could be together and so, soon after that, started doing um you didn't call it internet church at the time, but I started getting on Sabbath mornings or whenever it was Sabbath afternoon or Friday nights, I'm not sure. I started doing that Um, and then I stopped, for whatever reason, and found out it was now Internet Church and I got into that a couple years ago. So I've been off and on for four years, I guess Five years Almost five.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's been some time now, because, yeah, march is next month five years ago. Because, yeah, march is next month five years ago and, uh, I just remember, um, jayla and Eddie being there and I wanted to have you and we had a couple of people from Sunnydale over and it was a marathon evening of us sharing like super vulnerable, like crazy stuff, and I know if you're not ever around, love reality people like that feels like a shock to the system. When someone's like, yeah, I cheated on my wife, uh, and that I've always remembered that as like a wild night because of just Eddie and Jayla, and then I think my mom probably had COVID that night.
Speaker 2:I think she did.
Speaker 1:Yeah, she was not feeling well and then after that it all shut down but we were glad to have you, you know, through the years kind of coming in and out. You just came back to Internet Church because you're like, yeah, I know these people and I kind of like in and out what you. You just came back to internet church Cause you're like, yeah, I know these people and I kind of like generally, what, what they're about?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I needed. I needed something to occupy my time but to also be God centered and I needed community, um, and so it just kind of had all of those things and there's like I know you, I know Jayla, I know Eddie, I know a few other people and so they were familiar faces and you guys talk about things. That in the small group portion of it was interesting and I just wanted to be a part of it.
Speaker 1:So then last summer you're like, let me go up and hang out. If everyone's going to be in Nebraska, I'll go and hang out in Nebraska for a little bit. Mm-hmm, Yep. So what happened?
Speaker 2:I can't pinpoint, like someone said this, and it just got it all going. I think it was a slow burn that had been starting after I had finished the school year in May and I had focused on I want to get whole again. I just felt fragmented, attempted, um, post breakup, my mind was still kind of messed up, my heart was in pieces still and I just needed, I needed to focus on God and I needed to focus on getting better. Um, and so I thought, okay, I I'm going to go and see what comes of this, not with the intention of coming away with all of these great realizations about myself and God and marriage and singleness, but it wasn't until I was driving home from that weekend that all of these inaccurate views idol I had been carrying around probably since I was a girl. But it became even bigger when I was able to be married Like I'm at the age of marrying and so it became a huge idol in my life.
Speaker 1:So, when you realized that you had set this thing up to be the thing that could make you or break you, what was the next like knowing that? What did that do in you?
Speaker 2:Like knowing that. What did that do in you? Can you kind of repeat that question one more?
Speaker 1:time Maybe say it a different way. So when you had this revelation like, oh, I've made an idol out of marriage, what was your next thoughts If you knew that this was now an idol?
Speaker 2:what did you think needed to be done? So that's, yeah, I realized it was an idol and that was the point that I knew I had to give it to God. And that point I was very scared because I, as far as I can remember maybe early twenties or later than that I thought, if I give this desire to God of wanting a husband and a family, then he's not going to give it to me. He's going to say, finally, she's given me that and I'm not going to give it to her, so she's just going to be single the rest of her life. This kind of goes back to the earthly father mentality that I had attached to him. And so I was grasping onto this need, this want of being married, and it had become so big and I thought, okay, now I've really got to give it to him and I can't hold any of it back, because I thought I had given that to him but really I didn't.
Speaker 2:So it was to the point where now I have this decision to make I can either continue to grasp it and white knuckle it, or I can just let it go and literally give him this thing that I've wanted for so long, and I may or may not get it, but I have to be okay with that. I have to decide. If you decide not to give me a husband, I'm okay with that, and that was a very difficult place to be. But I made that decision and I said, lord, I give this to you, you can have it, because I don't want it anymore. I don't want to keep holding on to it because I'm suffocating it and and that's not how you want me to live my life, and that's not how you want me to live my life. Something that my mom says a lot is she says nestle, don't wrestle. I have been wrestling, god, with this thing for so many years.
Speaker 1:And I finally, when I finally relinquished control of it, I finally was able to nestle and let him take it. It's not strange that we want to be married God created us for intimacy, right. It's not strange that we want to have children.
Speaker 1:God actually not only created us for it, but then he commanded us to do it. You know, and I think that if it's not happening, rather than look at God and say you know what, god you created me for such and such and you also commanded such and such. But I also know that stuff has happened that has made childbearing harder, like to have kids, what has made marriage harder because of Adam's sin. But I know your true heart and what you long for me and what you want for me is like you want to just give me good gifts because you love me.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 1:And we can hold that in one hand and then we can lament in the other hand, like there's time for lamentations, there's time for like. You didn't create death, yet people die, and yet you still are lord. You created me for intimacy with not just human humanity but with you, and then you created me to to bear children. And if it's not happening, like so much of the heartache and pain in scripture revolves around women who want to have kids, that are not able to have kids.
Speaker 1:And then you go back to Genesis three and you're like man it's all right there. You know, this is, this is what's happened. So there's nothing wrong with lamenting that and I think we should when it becomes a problem. Right is when we have a false view of God. A God is who is withholding. And I think of the book of Job right, where all of Job's homies don't understand God and at some point Job even gets confused. And the main point, it seems like, of the whole book is towards the middle of the end, where God's like yo, where were you when I was creating this? Where were you when I was over here? Where were you? And it's just like oh no, god still is love, he still knows what's going on, he knows that I want this. He's not withholding anything from me and what he actually wants is deep intimacy with me and I'm able to live and just love in peace.
Speaker 1:And I know I've been talking for a long time, but I think one of the things that we talked about when you came up to the camp, I said Rachel, you don't want to get married, you want to be happily married. Right, because anybody can get married. You could have been married five, six times by now. I said you could be married this year if you really wanted to. How hard would it be? And you agreed with me about that, like, yeah, that's true, but what you want is you want the real thing. You're not in it for, like you could have had, you could have been married and divorced three times by now, right?
Speaker 2:Oh sure. With kids, I'm sure yeah.
Speaker 1:And so the revelation is it's okay to lament, but it's also okay to be okay. It's okay to be loved by him and not need anything to fulfill you, but everything be a gift.
Speaker 2:Yes.
Speaker 2:Does that make sense? Oh, absolutely, and that's something that this past year I've been learning that he is my husband and the time that I spend with God is so precious. I don't have to contend and battle my time with anybody but me. I make my schedule. I'm not having to, um, I mean, it's just me and him in the morning is what I'm trying to get. Um, it's quiet, it's just me and my Bible and I spend time with him, and so the time that I have with him right now not married is really precious time, and I didn't ever really see it that way, and I think he's just been trying to get me to realize that he is the most perfect man quote unquote man that I can have in my life. He's going to treat me right all the time. He loves me better than we can even understand.
Speaker 2:Um, he's not going to manipulate me, he's not going to hurt my feelings. He's, um, not going to do something that I'm going going to hurt my feelings. He's not going to do something that I'm going to wonder. Did you really mean to say that? Like, what are you really meaning? It's just, it's, he is the best friend, best husband I can ever have, and I'm just now realizing that. I wish I had realized it years ago.
Speaker 1:Is it okay to still want to have a different level of intimacy with the human being? Is that okay? Like, is that okay?
Speaker 2:Oh yeah, and believe me, I still want to be married. I hope that does happen, but I feel like my priorities are more in alignment. They were skewed. They were not healthy.
Speaker 1:Now that you look at God and you were just describing this husband, this perfect husband, how has his character as a father been realigned in your mind, based on this revelation of the idolatry that you were living in and what you actually have now in Jesus?
Speaker 2:I think I see more of his grace, um. He knew I was not going to be ready to be married in my twenties. It was his goodness and his grace that I was not. He knew that I should not have been married in my thirties. It was his goodness and his grace that I was not. I was not in the right place to do that. Um. I had some growing still that I needed to do and um, now I can see hindsight is always 2020. I can see why now.
Speaker 2:But even if, like right now, I don't know what's going to happen in the future. Um, but I know I can trust him because he has my good. Whereas before I would have been very nervous about the future, um, I'm about ready to celebrate a big milestone birthday in a couple months, and 10 years ago that would have really scared me, um, but I know I can trust my future to him and I don't want that to sound so like. Christians say that all the time, but I really do. Um, I know that he is going to work things together for my good and um that he has good things planned for me. Um, content than to not be in his will and be married to someone and have this gnawing. I know I shouldn't be in this relationship. This just doesn't feel right. So he is the most important. I want to, because his love for me is so beautiful, so perfect. I want to make him proud of me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I think he is. We were talking about eternal life last night, is? We were talking about eternal life last night? And so much of the time we think of eternal life as in quantity, like this, is the amount of life that you will live. But I think it's more the quality of the life, because when Jesus describes this as eternal life, he says it's knowing the Father. Knowing the Father means that you're able to love because God is love, and anyone who loves must know God because God is love. And I was thinking about this.
Speaker 1:I was thinking about Psalms 103. It's a psalm that I've been meditating on a lot lately. It says Bless the Lord, o my soul, and forget not all his benefits. Who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast and, I just think, made known his ways to Moses, his acts to the people of Israel. The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and I just think he crowns us with steadfast love and mercy. He redeems our life from the pit and that he renews us. He renews our youth.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:He satisfies us with good. And you know what I don't feel like. I'm old and in all, when you think about it, I'm going to live forever. The quality is forever and the quantity will also be forever, and the largest percentage of my life will be on the other side of eternity. But God is love. He just loves me. If it's good, it's from him, if it's not good, it's not from him. And I can just stand in that and see the circumstances, because I've had some bad circumstances, you've had some bad circumstances. I don't blame God for those circumstances. I pray to him, I go to him and he crowns me with steadfast love and mercy. He forgives me, he heals all my diseases. He loves me.
Speaker 2:Amen.
Speaker 1:And so, yeah, he is good. I'm not going to see it another way. If it's happening and it's bad, it's not from him. And so I just I think I've wanted to encourage you and I've been encouraged by you because, not, it's not. It wasn't written in stone that you were going to see, that you were putting stress or that you were looking at God in a weird way Most people look at God in a weird way and you've received the revelation of his love. Yeah, if a relationship and this is the crazy thing about a relationship it is not the solution, if we think that a relationship is the answer to our problems, it actually is going to create more problems. Sense this lie that we believe about ourselves. And if we believe this lie about ourselves, oh, if I get into a relationship, it will solve this lie, this problem that I believe about myself, and then I'll be okay. But if we think that way, then we're just make a relationship not okay. Does that make sense?
Speaker 2:Oh, so so much sense, yes, and I would also add to that that, um, I was letting these guys into my life because I was so desperate to be wanted and loved that I ignored red flags and I ignored the peace that was leaving. So if a man is in your life, he needs to add to your peace, not take away your peace. And if he is taking away your peace, there is a problem in the relationship and it needs to be dissected and you need to think about it more. And that's probably one of the biggest lessons that I've learned going through unhealthy, bad relationships is don't ignore red flags, or even orange flags, um, and if they are not adding to your piece, then that is probably your gut telling you that there's something wrong.
Speaker 1:Even more so if they're not adding to your piece or if they are your piece, because if you don't have peace until you get into the relationship, well then that relationship falls apart. Or that guy starts acting sideways, well then there goes your whole piece and there goes your work. So relationships are a gift, yeah, yeah. And then where are you at now? Like, people mess up when they identify themselves as their relationship and and in it it will just lead to heartache and pain. So, understanding who we are, understanding what we have, yeah, then a relationship can be a blessing and it is a blessing. But if it's a, if it's a solution to the problem, it then just becomes the problem.
Speaker 2:So true, so true, man, that's a solution to the problem. It then just becomes the problem.
Speaker 1:So true, so, man, that's powerful. The um, the idea that, um, you were telling me off of when we weren't recording that you had this lie, that you believed about yourself, about um, that you weren't the lead, the lead role in in your own life. What was that about?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I thought that I was the supporting actress of my life and everyone else had better lives than me, and when I had a boyfriend and when I got married, then I would slip into that lead heroine role of okay, now I am the lead actress of my life and I think it, and in actuality there's nothing wrong with my life and I am the lead role. So well, actually God is the lead role. Okay, absolutely.
Speaker 1:Yeah, well, he lives in you and you live in her in him amen what would you say to someone who's listening to this, who has gone through your similar experience, who thinks god is punishing them or god is holding out something because of a, a weird view of God?
Speaker 2:Wow. So I would first of all say that if you're prescribing those characteristics to God, why? Where did they come from? More often than not, they come from what we view, from earthly men in a parental role. And then I would say what has helped me is to focus on the blessings and the gifts that he's given me to um, not view it in such a negative way, kind of to remind myself um, there's really been wonderful things that he has given me. He hasn't given me this, but look at all the other things in my life that he has either kept me from or gotten me through, the people in my life that he's placed there to help me through different seasons.
Speaker 2:And then the word seasons. I would say this is a season, and sometimes seasons last a lot longer than you expect or ever want, but that doesn't mean it's going to stay that way. And right now God is wanting you to walk in this, but he's not leaving you alone in it. He's with you and I would say, just lean into him and ask him what he wants you to learn, to put you into places where you can help people, where you can use your gifts. I finally realized some spiritual gifts that I have and I'm using them and it's just so wonderful to use our spiritual gifts. And I would just say don't lose hope, because when we lose hope we go into a really bad place. And I've been tempted to lose hope, but I can't. I can't let myself put myself into that place, so I'm still hopeful.
Speaker 1:Man that's powerful. I just want to say to the listener, if you're hearing this and you have a similar background where you believe that God was holding something out, that he had all these things that were good, but he just didn't give it to you for one reason or another, then I just want to pray for you right now. Father in heaven, we just thank you that you have given us everything when you gave us Christ, that we've been made whole, we've been kept safe and sound, we've been delivered. Made whole, we've been kept safe and sound, we've been delivered, we've been redeemed from the pit because of Jesus, and we have him, and so we have it all. We also have his wisdom.
Speaker 1:We have his righteousness, sanctification, his justification, and so, if we have been looking at these things through the lens of you holding out on us, father, give us a deeper revelation of what we have now in your Son, the wholeness and completeness that we have now in your Son, and the quality of life, the eternal life that we get to move in, that we get to walk around planet Earth making things right because of you living in us through your spirit. And so we turn from any lie that would position us in lack. We turn from any lie that would position us in scarcity and we receive the abundance of grace that you've given us in your son, and we pray these things in Jesus's name Amen, amen, rachel, thank you so much. You're a blessing, you're a testimony of God's love, and we're just going to keep going after receiving and believing everything that he has for us. How's that sound?
Speaker 2:Sounds wonderful. Thank you. Thanks for coming on.