Death to Life podcast
A podcast that tells the stories of people that used to be one way, and now are completely different, and the thing that happened in between was Jesus.
Death to Life podcast
#212 Brittney Shazier: Jesus Loves Me When No One Else Does
Brittney shares her powerful journey from believing she was unlovable to discovering her true identity as a cherished daughter of God, revealing how genuine transformation comes through embracing His unconditional love rather than religious performance.
• Grew up in an Adventist home with strong religious foundations but developed deep insecurities from bullying experiences
• Struggled with people-pleasing tendencies and defining her worth through others' approval
• Experienced traumatic events in college that reinforced beliefs of being unworthy of God's love
• Continued serving in church leadership while feeling spiritually empty and believing she was beyond redemption
• Encountered a transformative understanding of grace through persistent friends and Bible study
• Discovered God sees her as "crystal clear glass" – completely pure despite past mistakes
• Found freedom from sin not through trying harder but through believing what God says about her identity
• Now lives with confidence that she is unconditionally loved regardless of performance
The gospel can truly change your life – no matter what you've done or what's been done to you, God's love is always greater.
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The world doesn't think that the gospel can change your life, but we know that it can and that's why we want you to hear these stories, stories of transformation, stories of freedom, people getting free from sin and healed from sin because of Jesus. This is Death to Life.
Speaker 2:And I was just like okay, so clearly I don't matter at all and I'm trying to come to church and I'm trying to figure out this whole God thing and nobody cares for me and nobody remembers me. So I had told God like I'm, I'm done. I remember sitting in church and just saying God, I've tried to do everything I can to please you. I've tried my hardest to get you to accept me, to get the church to accept me, and there's no point and I'm going to stop being a disappointment and wasting your time and I'm just going to leave.
Speaker 1:Yo, welcome to the Death of Life podcast. My name is Richard Young and today's episode is with my sister, brittany, and we've been circling this episode for at least a year. She's trying to hide but, as they say, you can run but you can't hide. But we're going to find you and when we do, we're going to get that testimony. And I love Brittany's heart so sweet. Some of the stuff breaks my heart and there's some adult stuff in this, so mind who's listening. But I think you're going to hear a story of a woman who's received a revelation of how much God loves her and that makes everything that has happened obsolete. She's a new creation in Christ, so you're going to be blessed and edified by this episode. So this is Brittany. Hear ye, her Buckle up, strap in Love. Y'all Appreciate y'all in love, y'all appreciate y'all. Britney, um, what's going on? Where are you from? What's your name? Where, like what, do you do? Tell me your story. Where are we starting, britney?
Speaker 2:uh well, my name is britney. I am originally from the orlando area. I don't know if you've heard of Altamont Springs.
Speaker 1:Altamont Springs. Is there an Adventist school there that you went to? Yes, there is. I think I've been to Altamont Springs.
Speaker 2:Yeah, fla is the school that's out there.
Speaker 1:I've been to FLA many times yeah.
Speaker 2:Forest Lake. Academy Shout out. Yeah, did you go to Forest Lake? I did not. By that time I had already moved to another state, so I wasn't able to go there.
Speaker 1:But you're from Orlando.
Speaker 2:Yeah, the Orlando area yeah.
Speaker 1:Okay and yeah, give us your. I was in Atlanta.
Speaker 2:Wait, what about Atlanta? By the time I was in high school, we had moved to Atlanta, so I didn't get to go to FLA. Yeah, so I was raised, like I said, in the Orlando area and both of my parents were Adventist and they raised me in the Adventist church and so I grew up going to Sabbath school every Sabbath and my mom put me in Pathfinders and just always just active and being in church every single Saturday, and so they taught me who God is. My parents that's beautiful.
Speaker 1:So you had a good experience just growing up in the church with your folks doing the Pathfinders, getting the honors. All that stuff was good, lots of honors. Yeah, what was your favorite one? Oh, cake decorating, that was my favorite.
Speaker 2:I like collecting weird ones from other countries, like I got to go to Oshkosh and so I got to get some from oh. I remember I got one from Australia. It was called Aboriginal Lore and I was like I got a patch from Australia. This is awesome.
Speaker 1:I bet you're a master guide.
Speaker 2:No, I was just short of finishing.
Speaker 1:Oh, you could have fooled me. Okay, so anything to highlight in growing up, or was it pretty good just growing up in the church, beautiful family and that sort of thing? Yeah, I think for most of my childhood pretty good growing up in the church, beautiful family and that sort of thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I think for most of my childhood pretty good. Growing up in the church, my parents taught me who God is. God is love and like the songs say, jesus loves me. This I know, for the Bible tells me, so I had that on lock. I think things started to get a little shaky for me in my journey when I got to the middle school era and the bullying started where my view of things started to get a little warped in my life.
Speaker 1:So you had mentioned off camera that they called you an Oreo. Was that what the bullying was about? What was the bullying about?
Speaker 2:So the bullying started in middle school. Some of it was because one I needed braces. But hey, modern medicine I got your grill.
Speaker 2:And then the other part of it is. I just remember I'm not sure how we led up to this, but I remember really wanting to participate in a church program and I wanted to sing for the first time in a church program and have a solo and I remember the girls at school they laughed me off the stage, they told me I should never sing, I can't sing like and I just felt horrible because some of the things in my personality is I don't know where it came from, but I'm a big people pleaser and I hate disappointing people and I care too much what people think about me and those girls who were supposed to be my friends being so mean and telling me that I can't do this thing and I can't participate in the church program and it just crushed my self-esteem.
Speaker 1:You're saying like I don't know where it came from, and then you're describing where it came from, like people pleasing is about insecurity, right, like you need other people to think you're okay so that you can be okay, so you try to please them. It's not actually about you wanting to please other people, it's about you feeling good enough. So like the bullying that that'll do it, right there, right, that'll do the trick. Yeah. And so it was about singing and just who you, who you thought you were.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I just remember I tried to defend myself and then all of the girls at school alienated me and then no one would talk to me anymore. And I was at a small Adventist school, two-room school, not that many kids, and so no one would talk to me. So I'd pee. I'm having to walk all the laps by myself and doing all these things. I'm just really isolated. That's sad.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I hate it for you. So how did you cope with that? What?
Speaker 2:did you do? Eventually, things started to just get better. It's like I said, a small two-room school. Eventually people have to talk to you, but it was just. It left a mark, and so I usually in my life just look forward to the next step, so I always get a reset. For example, graduating and going to high school. You start over.
Speaker 1:All right. Where'd you go to high school?
Speaker 2:Atlanta Adventist Academy.
Speaker 1:So you left Florida and you moved to Georgia at some point.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so around. I think it was around fifth grade when my mom remarried, we moved up to the Atlanta area and I went to public school for fifth grade, but then I went to Adventist school for sixth, seventh and eighth.
Speaker 1:What city did you live in?
Speaker 2:We lived in Douglasville, Georgia.
Speaker 1:Okay, I used to live in Stone Mountain, georgia, which is probably not too far from Douglasville, and so then you went to AAA Atlanta. What'd you think about living in Atlanta?
Speaker 2:Ooh, not my favorite. Too much traffic, Just yeah. No, I like smaller towns.
Speaker 1:It's an intense place, yeah, and you got to have your head on a swivel. Yes, you do. And you might run into TI or Ludacris. It's very possible, okay, so what was that?
Speaker 2:like what was high school? Like High school at first it started off great, you know, fresh start. I was super, super school nerd. So I'm like, let me get my school supplies. I'm going to high school.
Speaker 2:And everything in high school was going good, excelling in school, until I decided to tell one of my friends at school that I had a crush on a guy Rookie mistake. Why would I do that? I don't know. And she decided to be really mean and point him out at a basketball game and like it's that guy right there that you like, right In front of his mother? Oh no. And I was like oh my gosh, why would you do that? Do you not know who that is? Who's sitting right next to you? And the next day I came to school and there were people waiting for me in the hallway in front of my locker and they're like that's the girl, that's the girl.
Speaker 2:And from that day forward it was intense bullying, worse than middle school, for the whole year. And usually you see American TV shows about high school where the whole year. And usually you see american tv shows about high school where the whole freshman class is getting hazed no, just me what. And they would do all sorts of crazy things and like corner me in the library and be like, oh, this guy stuck his this pencil down his pants, you want to buy it. And I'll be like absolutely not, leave me alone. And then go around the whole school and be like she bought it, she bought it.
Speaker 2:She bought like making me look like this crazed, like I have no idea, and it just bred this horrible environment mentally for me not wanting to go to school Cause I was always an excellent student, but I just didn't want to physically be there, like at AAA. At that time they didn't even have a cafeteria, they had a senior store and the person who was like the captain of the bullying, who just happened to be the captain of the cheerleading team and the senior class president, who had a crush on the same guy. If I went to go buy food for lunch, they would all just make fun of me in front of the whole school and I was like started bringing my own lunch, eating other places. Just everyone constantly making me feel like you don't belong here, you don't fit in here, you're just a worthless piece of crap you should have gone to g triple a.
Speaker 1:No, this is so sad, yeah, and so at some point you kind of you were fighting it, but you ended up believing it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I just tried to keep a low profile and try to stay out of all of their way and any activity that I joined at school. If some of the people who were bullying me would join, I would just leave.
Speaker 1:Did you talk to God about this? Who was God in your life at this point? You know junior, senior high school.
Speaker 2:My view of God. Like I said earlier, god is love. That was the definition that I had, but as humans, we tend to put definitions on things based on our experience, and so for me, love held no permanence, just from my experience. So think about my parents. They're great, amazing parents. They loved me and so that was a great example of love, but they also loved each other and it ended up in divorce. I had lots of friends throughout my life say, oh, I love you, but then they always leave my life, and so in my mind, love is circumstantial and it only stays around when things are perfect. God is perfect, so he is love, but since I'm not perfect, like the issue is on my side, so there wasn't really much of a super deep connection, just besides knowing who he is and knowing all the facts about him.
Speaker 1:Did you come to him when you were feeling low or just cry out, or were you just kind of like? I need a different kind of answer.
Speaker 2:I would try, but in my experience up until that point in my life, it's one way. Communication is what prayer is? You pray to God and I guess he listens, or maybe he doesn't, but for me I was like God doesn't speak to me. So it's like I can pray about it to just have someone to complain to, but nothing's really going to happen.
Speaker 1:So then, when you were going to graduate from high school, to get to the next place, what were your options? What would you want to do with your life?
Speaker 2:Um, I knew at that point I wanted to go to Loma Linda and go to med school and be a doctor. That's what I knew. I didn't care where I went to college, but I just knew at some point I wanted to end up at Loma Linda Same. Same.
Speaker 1:Seriously. I have a twin sister who did that and I was the other twin and I was going to do that. She's way smarter than me, so, and tried much harder in school. I don't, you know, I'm I'm not a dummy, but at some point I was like I'm not going to go to Loma Linda, I don't think but, you.
Speaker 1:That was the plan. Who cares where you're going to go to school, where you're going to end up as Loma Linda? You're going to be a doctor, Correct? So what were your options for school, for undergrad?
Speaker 2:For undergrad I was just kind of looking all over the country at all the Adventist universities. I was kind of pretty much set on staying in my little Adventist bubble and yeah, so I landed on going to Southern when they came to my school for a college fair. Thankfully, in the last couple of years of high school our school had dismantled into multiple campuses and then the back half of my high school experience was great and I was all excited like I'm going to go with my friends to Southern because that's where everybody's going.
Speaker 1:What year were you a senior?
Speaker 2:A senior in high school, mm-hmm, I graduated 2009.
Speaker 1:I was probably at that college fair. Really, there's a big chance that I was at that college fair where Southern was there. I was the guy at the Union College table and Adam Brown was probably the guy at the southern table. He was, and that's my homie. Love that guy, um I. So I probably saw you. I I always had a lot of fun going to triple a and g triple a. It was always a lot of fun for me. Uh, so you decide on southern new life, new chance, new britney. What was, uh, what was that like?
Speaker 2:it was exciting. Like I said, every time you go to a new school, my school nerd side comes out and I'm like, yes, school supplies, new glasses, all the awesome things. And, yeah, my first semester at southern I. It took a bit of an adjustment because first time moving away from home, living in the dorm, since my parents never let me go to GCA like I wanted to go to. They're like no dorm life as a high schooler not going to happen.
Speaker 1:Same my parents. They weren't about that. When we lived in Atlanta they were like you're going to AAA. And then when we moved, there was a 12 or 12 grades that were like perfect, we're not sending you to no boarding school. So I never would have gone.
Speaker 2:So I never would have gone. But yeah, no, my first semester at Southern, it was fantastic. I felt like I could recreate Brittany into whoever I wanted her to be, because only my good friends had come with me from high school and so I could just meet new people and have lots of fun and have a completely fresh start.
Speaker 1:That's awesome. And your major was biology or chemistry. Which one? Biology, Biology. And you took GBI your first year and GCAM your second year. No, I took them both in the first year. That's what my sister did. That's a busy year because those aren't even semester classes, they're full year classes, both of them right year because those aren't even semester classes they're full year classes, both of them, right, I think so. Yeah, they're the big boys, because you gotta have that for the mcat man I.
Speaker 2:I was at the top of my game in biology, but chemistry was a struggle yeah and my, my identity was heavily into my intelligence and scholastic achievements. And after that first semester, when they hit me with that C in GCAM, I was like, oh, I am a failure.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's hard huh. Yeah. Did you switch your plans up? Or what did you do when you saw that C?
Speaker 2:No, I didn't switch up my plans. I was like well, I passed enough to stick it through, so I got to keep going. Like it's the only thing I had decided that I was going to be Dr, dr Shazer, was it like that's my only future option, so I got to go through with?
Speaker 1:it Keep going. What happened?
Speaker 2:So you know, I kept going with my bio premed at Southern and I started to make friends. I had a lot of walls up from all the experiences with middle school and high school and those sorts of things and through doing my Gen Chem, gen Bio class, I was able to meet my best friend and we just clicked and thankfully we've been best friends to this day One of the few people that has remained constant in my life. And we then met another group of friends, and these were the cool kids.
Speaker 1:Oh, who are the cool kids? Shout out to the cool kids.
Speaker 2:Shout out to the cool kids. They were just an awesome group of people that just everybody seemed to like. They just seemed to have it together, they seemed to have the swag. They just they were just awesome and I was just like don't say or do anything to ruin this. Britney, okay, if you say the wrong thing, we're gonna go right back to how it's always been in high school, middle school with the bullying and stuff. So just don't say anything, laugh when they laugh and just be around maybe they'll accept me into their group of cool friends.
Speaker 1:Exactly, what do cool kids at Southern do? What are they about? Like, are they? I'm guessing the cool kids like are a part of like campus ministries. Like they, they love Jesus.
Speaker 2:Well, in that case, with this group, no, they were just different than what I was used to. They kind of reminded me of the friends I had back when I was living in Florida and going to the Adventist school that I went down there for a city and I was always around the Caribbeans, puerto Ricans, domin, dominicans, those sorts of things. It was a bunch of just like cool people from from different islands and some people from off the coast of africa, some people from puerto rico, some people from. They were just all ethnic and cool and just super proud of the countries that they're from and just living their best lives was alfredo in this group of cool kids he was not.
Speaker 2:I had not met him yet.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay, I'm just worried because you said Puerto Rico. I'm like maybe this is where he comes into the story.
Speaker 2:Not quite, not yet.
Speaker 1:All right, keep going.
Speaker 2:And so it was just so awesome to be a part of them and I just I remember my best friend telling me a while later she had to always advocate for me to stay in the group, because they're like, why is this random black girl always here? She doesn't say anything, she just kind of laughs when we laugh and then she leaves and she's hung out for hours and not really said a word and she'd be like, well, she's with me, so she's going to be here, so that's the end of the story.
Speaker 1:Shout out to your friends.
Speaker 2:She's the best, and so being with that group of friends was great and it kind of gave me a bit of confidence that they were accepting me into the group, which was the thing that I always wanted. And there was nothing fundamentally wrong with that group of friends until they decided to change some of their habits. And so one semester I remember coming back from summer vacation and we're sitting in KRs eating food and two people start talking about what they did over the summer and one person's like oh, I was doing this and they're like you too. I was also doing this and I'm like my Adventist brain is like y'all were drinking and partying over the summer. Like what is this? Like my little sheltered existence? That doesn't happen.
Speaker 2:And so they're sitting there going back and forth and then somehow by the end of the conversation they're like do you want to go to the liquor store? And I'm like it's a Friday afternoon in happy Valley, what are you talking about?
Speaker 1:Going to the liquor store. And I bet they picked the one that was close to. Like the school too, they were were they smart?
Speaker 1:no, they picked the one right there next to the mcdonald's in collagedale okay, if you're a college student and you're listening to this and you're trying to get away with something, you can't go to the liquor store. Man man, I remember when I was at Union I went to there's a place called Super Saver. It's a grocery store, and I saw staff and faculty from Union College coming out of the liquor area and I was like I just looked at this guy and I'm like you dummy. I'm like even I know to go across town and I've never drank anything in my life, but I knew if I was going to get alcohol I wouldn't go to the the one right by the school. And the guy looked at me like oh, like, like looked confused. I didn't know it was in this section anyway, so that, so were you. Uh, was it appealing to you?
Speaker 2:absolutely not. And they were talking about going and they were my plans for the weekend and I'm like I'm gonna have to be alone. I can't go to a liquor store and I'm sitting there with this like, do I follow my beliefs about not touching anything about this, or I was, or do I go with my friends? And so I was like I had the perfect compromise I'm gonna go to the liquor store but I'm not gonna touch anything you're gonna be the designated driver not even.
Speaker 1:I didn't even have my license until after I was done with college like I'm just gonna cruise the aisles and look at the different adult beverages yep, and I was.
Speaker 2:I I was under the impression that you couldn't even be in there if you weren't 21 and I wasn't 21. And I'm like I'm not going to look at anything, I'm gonna look at the floor, I'm just going to follow behind them. They're going to buy what they're going to buy and then we're going to leave. And I just remember we got out of there and I'm like no man, I'm good, y'all just have fun. I'm going to sit over here on the couch and enjoy myself and y'all enjoy yourselves and I'll be a part and you do what you want to do and I won't do that.
Speaker 1:Pe, though what was the first thing you tried, jagermeister? Oh okay, I haven't drank anything, but that's like crazy, like it tastes terrible. I hear like yeah and it's hard liquor yeah it's not like beer or something that's like that's hard liquor yeah, it is no.
Speaker 2:One of the guys in the group was straight european and that's what they do so did you have a jaeger bomb, or you just drank straight up jaeger meister? Just straight up, jaeger meister did you throw? It and I drank it and then I was like nothing happened and we just sat there for a while because, you know, the science students and us were like we have to wait a certain amount of minutes.
Speaker 1:Did you have an empty stomach?
Speaker 2:We had gone to KRs, so no.
Speaker 1:Okay, so that would help you out.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely would help you out. And I just remember sitting there and I'm like, definitely would help you out. And I just remember sitting there and I'm like, okay, nothing. And then a while later they're like we should have another. And I'm like, okay, have another, nothing, just same.
Speaker 2:I just feel like I'm drinking disgusting juice and then that happens. And then they're just like all giggly and happy and I'm just like I don't see why people are changing right now. We're just like I was feeling absolutely nothing. I didn't know anything about people's metabolism and how alcohol applies to people differently, with their different body chemistry and stuff like that, and I didn't realize that I had a high tolerance for alcohol, huh. And so everybody else is like ha ha ha, this is fun and everything they say is funny, and I'm like that wasn't that funny, like I don't understand, and I was feeling like intense FOMO because I wasn't feeling anything and I'm like I'm doing the thing I'm not supposed to be doing, but I'm doing the thing I'm not supposed to be doing, but I'm not having as much fun as everybody else. So obviously alcohol is rejecting me too.
Speaker 1:Don't you think there's kind of like a placebo effect as well? Like when people are drinking to have fun, they get in that mindset to have fun. And this is your first time drinking, so you're like a little nervous, so they're adding way extra and you're kind of just sitting on the couch like what's going to happen.
Speaker 2:Maybe that was part of it, I don't know maybe I just know that I wasn't feeling anything and I just remember saying so you're like give me three more shots I had several and nothing happened. I was like this is ridiculous. I'm just gonna go to the bathroom. I'm mad. All I did was drink a bunch of liquid tastes disgusting. Everybody's happy alcohol doesn't even like me.
Speaker 1:I'm just gonna go to the bathroom because I was bullied in high school, elementary school and now alcohol is bullying me exactly that's how I was feeling, which I'm like that's so dumb britney, but it is what it is.
Speaker 2:And so I go in the bathroom. I'm just sitting there like well, I'm just gonna be in here because I'm gonna be the party pooper out there, and I remember sitting there for a while and then I stood up and I was like the towel rack was there and now it's over and I was like, and I came out of the bathroom and I was like, guys, I'm feeling something. I was so excited to be tipsy. I don't know why.
Speaker 1:What a sweet girl.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so the rest of our friends found out later that we had done that and they're like you guys did that without us. Oh well, guess what? We do it too, so we want to do it with you, and it just became like a little thing that we do every now and then. And then I got super convicted that this is not the right thing to be doing, like. You know better than this. Why are you acting like this? You are the rule follower girl, remember. You're supposed to be pleasing god and going through all the things that you need to do, and this, this isn't it were you ever drunk or were you just like?
Speaker 2:just tipsy, I guess. I had a high tolerance for alcohol, so when others were drunk I would never have the opportunity, because I don't end up having to like hold somebody's hair and yeah console them but you were convicted.
Speaker 1:You're like I don't think I want to do this yeah.
Speaker 2:And so I had decided like I am not doing this anymore, but I don't want to lose my friends and I don't want to be left out, so I don't want them to feel bad for their decisions. I'm just going to quietly no longer do this. And I remember the weekend that I had decided that that was the weekend where they were planning like everybody's going to get together, everybody's going to drink together at this one person's house, and we signed out for the weekend to just all stay at this one house and have a good time. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna separate myself from the group when it comes time to pour the shots and I'm just going to be in the other room, in the living room, and they'll be in the kitchen and no one will notice. I was like no one ever notices when Brittany's gone, it's fine, no one will notice.
Speaker 2:And I'm sitting on the couch and then I hear someone in the kitchen say where's Brittany? Like dang it, like oh, oh, I'm over here, but I'm fine. And they brought everyone out of the kitchen into the living room and they're like are you not going to drink with us? And I was like oh no, I'm not feeling it tonight. I'm good and one person just decided to make this declaration nobody's going to drink or have fun unless Britney does. And like what do you do? Like? My goal in life was to be accepted and loved and brought into this group and part of the cool kids, and nobody's bullying me. And now I'm at this precipice of I feel like I've been convicted to not do this, but I'm about to lose everything and everyone and ruin everyone's weekend if I don't.
Speaker 1:So more Jägermeister then.
Speaker 2:No, at that point we had moved on to vodka.
Speaker 1:Wine coolers.
Speaker 2:No, I didn't even know there was any sort of flavored, nice tasting things until later in life. Yeah, so we just had straight vodka, like why don't know? Um, but yeah, so I sat there just like sweating, like oh god, what do you do? What do you do? What do you do with? Do you know? You, you know, this is what you should be doing.
Speaker 2:You're supposed to be moving away from this and I was like, okay, well, I'll come up with a better plan for next time, but I'll drink this time nice and I was like, but this will be the last one, for sure, for sure, for sure, and I remember that evening they had bought different glasses, so normally you have the little shot glasses. Well, they bought the ones that are twice as tall. Oh no. Double shots. Yeah. But everybody was treating them like single shots, single shots yeah, and I just remember.
Speaker 1:You were getting belligerent.
Speaker 2:I just everyone like I don't know why we had such strategic ways of drinking. But everyone had a drinking buddy and you're not allowed to drink anymore until they do, and you both wait a little while. And so they were like we're doing this the right way, like we're not going crazy. Goal is not to be drunk. And so me and my drinking buddy since I had a high tolerance, I couldn't drink with the girls because they would have like one thing and they're like hey. So I had a guy that was my drinking partner, and every time he's like oh, I'm going again, so you gotta come.
Speaker 2:and I'm like, no, I don't, I just wanted the one, and so it just, you know, kept going with this thing, and that was the first time that I got drunk yeah and I didn't really understand what was happening at first, because I remember I'd be there, I'd be in the living room, I'd be talking and laughing with my friends, and then they would just be black. And then I would be in the kitchen talking to someone else and I'd be like how did I get here? And then I would be like, oh, let's go dance some bachata, yay. And then I'd be somewhere else talking to someone else doing something else, and I'm like I am losing chunks of time and this has never happened before. Like alcohol doesn't affect me, like this, like what is going on, and I just remember like the gaps of time that were blacking out would just get longer.
Speaker 1:You were drinking vodka, double shots. That's what was happening.
Speaker 2:Ignorance is bliss, I don't know. So it just was this these gaps of time kept happening, but I was just like I'll be fine, I'm having a good time. I'd stopped drinking altogether. We said we weren't going to have any more. Everybody was fine. But as time goes on, you know the effects don't just wear off the minute you stop, like what's in you has to process all the way through you before it's over. And so I just remember being there and at one point, like everything just went black for a long period of time, and then I woke up in a completely different portion of the house, away from everyone, unsure how I got to this place, and when I come to I'm not by myself, and things are going on that I'm not okay with. Oh no.
Speaker 2:And I just remember my whole existence just crumbling. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2:And it was just a complete mind shift for me, where I was like this is the worst possible thing that could happen to me in my whole life and I had prided myself up until that point in my life on I'm going to be pleasing to God, I'm going to follow all the rules, I'm going to follow all the 10 commandments, like I had gone through and like even written down all the 10 commandments and next to it written down like oh, I've kept this one, I kept this one. Oh, maybe not the bearing false witness thing, but you know I'm doing okay. And one of the biggest things that they've taught us throughout our whole Adventist church experience is purity and how important it is. But there's also driven that once you lose that, you can never get it back and you'll never be pure again.
Speaker 1:Yeah, so intense, guilt, shame, condemnation.
Speaker 2:All of it just came crashing down for me at that point. Yes, I had done bad things here and there in my life. Yes, I had started drinking for a short period of time, but I was giving that up. But now I'd gone too far. There's no saving me now.
Speaker 1:So when this was all over, like what? What did you do like? Did you talk to god about it or did you? Were you just like?
Speaker 2:uh no, I was too ashamed, I. I was convinced that he couldn't love me anymore, and so I just remember saying well, if I lost that, I at least can't lose my friends. And so I would just stick around with them and pretend like this didn't.
Speaker 1:This other person did? Was it even acknowledged? Or was it just like everyone was drinking and we just hooked up? Or was it like this?
Speaker 2:even this person even liked you no, it wasn't like it wasn't for any kind of they liked me or anything like that. And even when I tried to address it, all the other girls that were there were like oh, she's just lying, huh. And just brushing it off like oh she's, she's just a liar. That's not what happened.
Speaker 1:Oh my.
Speaker 2:Did the guy remember it? He remembered it. But he played it off as if it was something I wanted. Instead of what? It actually was Sorry, yeah, and it just it it destroyed every little bit of self-confidence that I had left and I knew from then on like I was unlovable and I was unlovable.
Speaker 1:Was there a plan to become worthy of being loved, or was it just like? Well, this happened, and so who cares now?
Speaker 2:Yeah, pretty much. It's like we've always been told you you can't come back from that. It's my fault. I shouldn't have been there. I should have followed my convictions. This is my consequence.
Speaker 1:So then, what happened after that?
Speaker 2:I just kind of cared less about things and, you know, as any good churchgoer would do, just continuing to go through the motions but feeling like a shell, just hollow, empty on the inside, and just kept going through my college experience, chugging towards, chugging towards med school. Like what else can I do besides? Just try not to ruin anything else.
Speaker 1:So were you ever like convicted of a certain a sermon of God's love, or like you know when the preacher's preaching and you know like man I have this experience and like was there ever any sermon about forgiveness or any? Did you ever hear anything about God that was compelling or convicting to you?
Speaker 2:convicting to you During that period of time. No, I just kind of had this view that God can love everybody else. But there's some of us who've gone too far, and those sermons were for the people who hadn't gone too far.
Speaker 1:Did you continue drinking or were you like, or did you kind of tone it down?
Speaker 2:I did for a little while after that, just because I had stopped caring. But then I realized, like health wise, and just it's the, it wreaks havoc on your body.
Speaker 1:It's not good for you.
Speaker 2:No, and we would do it recreationally, like, okay, on a weekend, okay, we're going to do this. You know we don't have exams this week, so but it's just. It just became something that was just like what's the point, and so eventually just weeded it out of my life altogether anyway. So I was like I have to focus on getting into med school, because that's all I have left.
Speaker 1:When did you take the MCAT? After junior year or after sophomore year After junior year.
Speaker 2:After my junior year at Southern, I took the MCAT.
Speaker 1:So what happened with that? I literally have no idea where this story is going. Tell me, I'm excited.
Speaker 2:I don't know where the story is going either. We're just going with it. I took the MCAT and I can't remember exactly the score I got, but it wasn't as high as I wanted it to be and I cried about it on the promenade at Southern. I'm like, okay, I'm by myself in the corridor, I'll cry about my score. And then I was like talking to my godmother, who's a doctor, and she's like you can still get into med school, you don't have to have the top score, like you'll, you'll be fine.
Speaker 2:And so I just went through preparing for med school interviews and finishing up at Southern and just being a part of, like, the biology club and doing all these things and community service, and going and volunteering with doctors at five o'clock in the morning to sterilize equipment and all sorts of stuff, just to make sure that I looked great for my med school applications and everything was just on track to for me to to get to Loma Linda. And I did my Loma Linda interview and I was nervous as all get out. I even bought a whole little pantsuit and everything to look good. And when I graduated from Southern and was all set, I was like I'm going to, I'm going to go to Loma Linda and on the day of graduation I walk across the stage and the thought popped in my head you should not go to med school and I'm like, well, if I don't do that, what else?
Speaker 1:and you got.
Speaker 2:You had already been accepted and everything yeah, and I'm just like what do I do with my life if I don't go to med school? That that's, that's my whole existence, and the best option that I could think of was run away. So I had some leftover financial aid and I signed up to study abroad in Argentina with a little bit of money I had left, bought a round trip ticket for a year and I said, well, if people are upset that I'm not going to med school, it really can't affect me if I'm thousands of miles away.
Speaker 1:Were you just afraid.
Speaker 2:I just the more and more I thought about it and I was doing the med school interviews and they would ask you why do you want to be a doctor? I didn't really have an answer, I couldn't tell you and I would just make up some cookie cutter reasons that I found on Google as to why I want to be a doctor.
Speaker 1:Like you want to help people or something like that.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and I want to heal people, like Jesus healed people and just keeping it real Adventist, yeah, and I just I said if I'm going to go through all of the struggle that it is to do school for so many more years, there has to be a reason that I want to do this. And right now I don't have a reason and I need to figure out what I'm going to do with my life and so I left, yeah, for a year, yeah, so you were fluent in Spanish back then.
Speaker 2:Or when you went to Argentina, you got fluent in Spanish, I knew how to say donde esta el baño and tengo hambre. That was it.
Speaker 1:And then you came back fully fluent. Like within two months you were probably fluent.
Speaker 2:I wouldn't say two months, but it was. We were getting there quite at the beginning, because I just remember they dropped you off at the Adventist University in the middle of the night, said if you want to eat, sleep or whatever, that's where you live, Figure it out. This is the last time you're going to hear English. Wow. I took my little suitcase and went to the dorm. So how?
Speaker 1:was that year.
Speaker 2:It was incredible because it was away from everything and I could just pretend like everything else in my life didn't exist.
Speaker 1:It seems like that's kind of a theme in your life. Yeah Is just recreating yourself because you didn't like the person that everyone had seen. Yeah Is just recreating yourself because you didn't like the person that everyone had seen. Yeah. So you had a good time. What was the plan? To come back and do what?
Speaker 2:Well, the plan was to find myself while I was over there.
Speaker 1:Were you there? Were you there to be found in Argentina?
Speaker 2:No, I was not.
Speaker 1:You couldn't find yourself.
Speaker 2:I couldn't find myself. I found fun. I found friends. I found a new language, completely different culture than I was expecting. Like when I got off the plane, I thought I had gotten off in the wrong country.
Speaker 1:Why.
Speaker 2:Because I've been around Hispanic communities my whole life and they all look different ways. And then you get off the plane in Argentina and everybody looked white.
Speaker 1:Yeah, that's why, and you know, shout out to people from Argentina. You know love y'all but they feel like they're better than us because they have the white skin.
Speaker 2:And they have messy, and they have messy.
Speaker 1:No, yeah, I mean, typically hispanic people hate on argentinians because they seem like they. They're pretty, uh, they're pretty confident in themselves. Skin color probably has something to do with it, but so you're like there's a bunch of white people here.
Speaker 2:I thought I was going to hispanic country yes, and the food was completely different than all the Hispanic food that I've ever had from all the different cultures that I've been around and I'm like I feel like I'm in Europe Where's your breakfast, like what's going on, and but it was just a fun experience to be away and, just like I said, forget everything, rebuild who I was and trying to think about myself differently and yeah, I just had a good time to be away and try not to think about coming back.
Speaker 1:So when you came back, what was the plan?
Speaker 2:I said I would just have to figure out what can you do with a bachelor's in biology, with minor in chemistry, or try to find some continuing education. And so I came back and started shadowing people in different careers to see if I could find something that stood out to me.
Speaker 1:And you had good grades. So if you wanted to do graduate school, were you thinking graduate school?
Speaker 2:I didn't know what I wanted to do. Graduate school, were you thinking graduate school? I didn't know what I wanted to do, so that's why I was trying to shadow a bunch of people in their jobs to see do I like or hate your life that you have with this career and do I want to model that and follow after it?
Speaker 1:Okay, so what'd you decide on?
Speaker 2:At first I had decided on speech language pathology and I was trying to figure out how to get school paid for and I was like I have the perfect idea I'll join the Navy.
Speaker 1:Like okay.
Speaker 2:And so I started to do like, go to the recruiting office all the time and take all the pamphlets and try to figure out all the information and I'm a sucker for pamphlets and I was talking with the recruiting officers and finally they're like okay, well, you just need to take this test and then we'll see how things go. After you take the test and get you going. I took the test and I did way better than they thought I was going to do and all the things that they said that they would do for me. And oh, we're going to put you in this program and then you'll get to go to school and you'll get to do this and that and the other completely changed their plan. They're like no, we want you to do this.
Speaker 2:Like we weren't expecting your scores to be this good. So now we want to send you to some school so you can learn to like lead navy warships something that I was not interested in and I was like I don't want to be in charge of people, let alone like a whole navy vessel, like I'm not going to school for that, and so, like you, were going to be an officer like okay yeah, and I was just like doesn't fit my personality.
Speaker 1:So then, what did you end up with?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I tried to just get them to like, hey, let's go back to the whole thing. We were talking about going to school and speech language pathology and getting that paid for and joining like the medical corps and those sorts of things, and we just couldn't agree on things. And so finally I was like, screw it, then, I'm not signing these papers, I'm not joining, I will figure out something else to do with my life. And so I just got a job at a bunch of different odd places in Chattanooga and then eventually ended up at an Adventist charity, nudwa, and I was just working there for a while and just wasn't really growing towards anything. I was just like, well, I need to work because I need to eat. How were you?
Speaker 1:and God.
Speaker 2:God and I were. We were in a weird place. When I came back from Argentina, I went back to the church that I had been going to and some of the people there, like I'd been going to that church for a while before I left, and some of them introduced themselves to me as if I'd never met them before. And I was just like, okay, so clearly I don't matter at all and I'm trying to come to church and I'm trying to figure out this whole God thing and nobody cares for me and nobody remembers me. So I had told God like I'm done.
Speaker 2:I remember sitting in church and just saying God, I've tried to do everything I can to please you.
Speaker 2:I've tried my hardest to get you to accept me, to get the church to accept me, and there's no point and I'm going to stop being a disappointment and wasting your time and I'm just going to leave. And I remember that Sabbath, after church was over, I got up and I was walking down the hallway to leave and then, right as I'm about to make it to the door and get to my car and finally be done with all of this feeling guilty and just all of these things, this guy comes running down the hallway and was like, hey, wait up, wait a second, any chance you could help me with music next week? And I'm like, yeah, sure, and I go to my car and I'm like, what are you doing? You just said you're never coming back here and you just said yes to this guy about doing music. And I'm like crap, okay, next sabbath is my last sabbath yeah, yeah, next one, next next one next and I went, I did the music.
Speaker 2:We all had a good time. I left and I said okay, I'm done. A few weeks later, guy finds me on Instagram. Hey, I didn't have your number, I forgot to get it the last time, but really need your help with music next week. Any chance you can help me? Yeah, sure. And every time I would tell God, hey, I'm done, I can't do this anymore, I would get that Instagram message hey, don't have any help. Can you please help me with music and come into church?
Speaker 1:And that was Fredo, the man, the myth the one legend, the legend.
Speaker 2:So, how long were you doing music with him? We started to do music. Oh gosh, when was that? I think around, maybe end of 2016, 2017.
Speaker 1:Oh wow. So for a while you guys have been doing music.
Speaker 2:And that's just just at church, kind of as a praise team helping out with with the music ministry. And I remember during that time since I was planning on leaving the church anyway my whole existence was Adventism. But I had made some friends outside of Adventism and they were saying, oh, you should come with us to the club on Friday night, you would love it. And every time they would invite me Freda would have invited me to do music first and I would already be at the church for practice.
Speaker 1:I'm like, ah, I can't, I can't go with you because it wasn't like, uh, if, if you weren't been doing music, you'd have been fine with going, just like you were kind of at that point, because of where I was in my mentality with god I, it wouldn't have really mattered to me, yeah, if I went, and so, but every time they would invite me.
Speaker 2:every couple of weeks it was always on the same weekend that fredo had already invited me to help him with the music, and so eventually they just stopped trying and they just gave up on trying to get me to go with them, cause they're like she's always busy with church.
Speaker 1:What a lame.
Speaker 2:I know, and at that point I had decided okay, clearly you're still helping in church People like that. You guys are doing music. They say you sound really good, they say they're blessed. Well, maybe I'm just supposed to lead other people to God so that he can love them, so they don't get where I'm at, and so that's pretty sad right?
Speaker 1:Yeah, it is, and so I was like if?
Speaker 2:I'm going to serve. I'm going to serve like a hundred percent. So now I'm children's ministry director and I'm in the music team and then I switch over to outreach director and then women's director, like just for years, just going through the motions, Like I am going to just let everybody know who God is and they're going to be OK.
Speaker 1:Yeah so how long were you going through these motions until something happened?
Speaker 2:uh, probably until about two years ago. I was just kind of going through the motions and just saying that well, if there's a chance that I make it into the kingdom, gotta have all the stars in my crown from all the people I brought to the lord. You know and there's a chance, there's, there's, who knows? You know I'm not God, but maybe so you didn't have assurance.
Speaker 1:You were just. What was the deciding factor on whether you were going to be in the kingdom or not?
Speaker 2:I had no idea. I I maybe God's mood that day. I have no idea.
Speaker 1:But I mean, you've heard sermons about it a lot, so like if someone's listening is like how did she not have any idea what had been preached? What did you believe? Like I don't know whether or not you believed it.
Speaker 2:I mean, I'd heard all about salvation and I believed that Jesus was going to save his children, but there's little verses here and there like oh, someone gets to heaven. And they're like Lord, lord, I did all of this and he's like I never knew you.
Speaker 2:So it's like who is he going to let in, who is he not? You know we're supposed to do all of these works for Christ, but then he says you did all of these and they weren't enough. So how much is enough? Like we got to do the absolute most. And you know, keep him happy, it can get confusing. Yeah, keep him happy, and then he'll accept you.
Speaker 1:Okay, and when you were keeping him happy.
Speaker 2:I was trying like I turned my life around. I wasn't trying to do a lot of the things that I used to do, but there were just still some areas of my life that I just kept tripping up with some things. So I was still just hoping that, you know, maybe at some point my life will be in alignment with what he wants it to be and I'll be accepting to him. Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1:Sounds. Sounds uh like some good news, no just kidding.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it wasn't uh, it doesn't sound great good news thing. I I never really understood the phrase the good news. I was like I just thought it was really sad that jesus died and I was like I knew he died to save the world, but it's like he died. That's so sad. And yes, I know he resurrected and yes, I know he's coming again. But if you're not, if you don't have assurance, it's not great news. Nah.
Speaker 1:Taking a break. Don't skip. Don't skip. Right now I want to read this thing.
Speaker 1:Someone left this as a review of the Death to Life podcast. They said thank you for allowing the Lord to lead you and share these stories. My heart has been so hardened lately and these stories have begun to transform my mind and grow a hunger for relationship with Jesus and people. Again. I can't stop listening, with Jesus and people again, I can't stop listening. Man praise the Lord when I see those kinds of reviews. I just praise the Lord for the privilege that we have to get this message out.
Speaker 1:And we cannot do it without you guys. We are not getting rich off of this. We are able to actually keep doing. Just do it based on the generosity of you guys who listen and donate to Love Reality. All of the money goes into us being able to continue on in this ministry and preach this gospel, whether it be from internet, church or the podcast, like it goes to that. So if you want to donate, if you want to help us get this message out, it's wwwloverealityorg. Slash give and we can keep this message going. We want the world to know that they're free from and dead to sin. Partner with us. Let's get this message out there. We want to tell the whole world so love y'all, appreciate y'all. Let's get back to the episode. So then, what happened?
Speaker 2:appreciate y'all. Let's get back to the episode. So then, what happened? So then this weird guy showed up at church and started talking about god loves us even when we were still sinners. He died for us, and I was like, what is you talking about?
Speaker 1:okay, so I'm thinking that that's me. Is that me?
Speaker 1:So I remember walking in the church and if you've heard Fredo's episode, you know that, uh, he wears his heart on his sleeve and I'd known him from years before and I was like, what's up, bro, how have you been? And he really told me how he'd been not like fake news. And I was like, oh OK, well, hang out. And I remember seeing you and I was impressed that you started singing in Spanish and I was like, oh, that's cool. Like I'm like who is this person? She's so. You seem very, very sweet, very nice. And you were friends with Fredo and you were singing in Spanish. That's all I pretty much knew. And then, when I was preaching the first night, I'm preaching freedom from sin, I'm telling my story and I'm looking at Fredo I don't know if you were sitting near him. What were you thinking? When I'm preaching this freedom from sin, Sounds nice, but are you sure?
Speaker 1:You weren't bought in, you weren't sold. Weren't bought in, you weren't sold.
Speaker 2:You're like, okay, could be cool no, I wasn't, I was curious, but I was like I've not heard that that way my whole life.
Speaker 1:So he might just be tripping and so then, um, I go downstairs and fredo and I have a conversation, we down there for like an hour. I don't know where you were I was upstairs.
Speaker 1:Okay, you were practicing or something, or whatever yeah, I was just talking with some of my friends I think we were hanging with their kids and stuff like that and we were just upstairs talking but then I saw you and I knew that you guys live near each other, or something like that, and I was like make sure I remember there's this memory etched in my mind and we're standing right by the stairs there at impact, right before they go up, and I was like looking at you and I was like yo, make sure he comes back tomorrow. Did you at that point like know what had happened with him? Or did you wait to get in the car? Like tell me, explain that to me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, no, I didn't know what had happened with him. I was in my own thoughts and trying to process what you were saying. And I think when I was upstairs with my friend, we were like trying to like talk about, like what is this guy talking about? Like this is different, and just trying to analyze what's going on. And I remember you saying make sure he comes back tomorrow. And I'm like I don't have the heart to tell this perfect stranger we're not coming back tomorrow. And we get in the car and fredo is like a completely different person and he's trying to preach to me in the car and I am annoyed he just got like a revelation, like 15 minutes before that, and he's already in the car preaching yeah, and I'm just like this.
Speaker 2:You were acting like scrooge on the way here. You didn't even want to be here, like let's go get this out of the way and just humbug everything. And now you're like pumped and excited and like no britney like you, you, you gotta listen. You got the and just, and I'm like what is what is wrong with this guy? Like he is on something, because this is like a bipolar flip that we're having here today and I don't understand what's happening and I just want to go home and go to bed. This is hilarious to me.
Speaker 1:Okay, so then did he say we're coming back tomorrow, or what happened?
Speaker 2:No, we had a plan to leave on a trip with our friends the next morning, and so we weren't supposed to be in town at all. We were only supposed to be in town the Thursday night that you were there, and then in the morning everything just started falling apart. No one was communicating effectively. It was just like one person's like oh, I didn't do my laundry to pack before we leave, so we can't leave yet. And then this was happening and somebody else is not answering, and then it all just fell apart and we finally all met up at the house and was like, look, this isn't going to work, we just need to leave tomorrow morning. Like, look, this isn't gonna work, we just need to leave tomorrow morning. And then fredo was like well, since we're still here, maybe we should go back to impact, because you know they could really use our help singing.
Speaker 1:He was really trying to see you, but it's okay and so you and what your reaction is like, okay, fine, whatever I was like well, I got nothing else to do until tomorrow morning because we're not leaving today.
Speaker 2:I was.
Speaker 2:I was just really angry that my plans didn't work out the way I wanted to to go to gatlinburg with my friends and have a good time all right and so I show up at church, we sing, I do my part, I sit, I sit down next to Fredo and I brought my laptop so that I could do my homework for my PhD classes. And he's like what are you doing? No, no, you need to. You need to turn off the laptop. Like you should listen. And I'm like, why are you all in my business right now? Like, let me do my homework. And he's like I really think I should just take the laptop. Who are you? My dad? Like this is annoying.
Speaker 2:And so I'm like, oh fine, I'm going to listen to this Richard guy and I'm going to hear what he has to say, Because clearly Fredo doesn't want me doing my homework. Oh, man, and so you were preaching that night and I think you were telling a story about your life and just the transformative piece of the gospel for you. And I'm like, is that what happened with him? Like he was acting like that and he's still having an experience with Jesus. What is going on?
Speaker 1:You mean like with Fredo?
Speaker 2:No, you, you talking, oh you you talking.
Speaker 1:Oh, you were like is that like that? I must have had some sort of transformation yeah which makes no sense.
Speaker 2:And so I'm like, okay, this is curious, sir, and curious sir, what are we doing here and so. But Fredo was just all in, like all on board. All he wanted to talk about, from the moment that those first two nights happened, was he just wanted to, he wanted to learn more and he's diving in the word and we're like I got, I got to find out where all this stuff is and learn it every verse and figure out, oh my gosh, it's here and it's here and it's here and it's real. And I'm more on the backend, like maybe, and I started kind of like just creeping in some Bible studies and listening to people, and what was appealing to me was everybody seemed like they're on fire. But I'm like, how do I get that Like, how do I do whatever it is that they're doing to get to wherever they are in their life?
Speaker 1:Man, you really fooled me. Life man, you really fooled me. I thought you loved it.
Speaker 2:I thought you were like this is good news, like it was good news to hear, but it's like processing it. I didn't have the application piece for me, right, like I didn't know how to apply it. I was like, wow, this sounds amazing. I didn't know how to apply it. I was like, wow, this sounds amazing, but what does that mean for me? Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so I just you have to have an experience. Yeah, and I just, and Fredo had had the experience the first night where he had received this truth like forgiveness. Yeah. And like old Fredo's dead and all that stuff.
Speaker 2:Yeah, complete transformation for him and him just wanting to just be on fire for Jesus. And so I'm seeing my best friend is on fire for Jesus and he wasn't before Right and meeting this new guy and he has this awesome testimony. I'm hopping in these Bible studies and people like I'm watching people's lives be transformed on camera and I'm like what is going on? And so I'm just like I want more. I want more, I want to know what's going on. I feel like I'm not in the know and everybody else is in the know and I'm just sitting there just kind of soaking it all in. I've got my Bible and I'm reading through it, through the Bible studies, and I'm like they keep saying all this stuff and I'm reading it right here in my Bible, but what do I do with it?
Speaker 2:But the biggest problem for me was how I thought about myself and how I thought God thought about me because of everything that had happened to me in my past and the way I was living my life. And it wasn't until I went to Coolidge Park downtown in Chattanooga and this lady walks up to me and she's like hey, I know you. I'm like uh, no. And she's like no, no, no, no, I know you. And I was like cool, cool, where do I know you from? And she's like I don't know. But I know you and she's like what are you here for? And I was like I'm here for the autism walk. She's like me too. She's like what group are you with? I'm like impact. She's like me too. I'm like I don't know who this woman is.
Speaker 1:Turns out it's jdra jdra laza yeah, she's randomly in chattanooga and so she recognized you from the bible studies no, she recognized because I had.
Speaker 2:I had met her at someone's graduation the year before and we were the two people that sat across from each other at the table at the dinner jaytra. And so after the autism walk, she comes up to me and she's like I'm coming to your house this week we're gonna talk and I'm like, was she living in tennessee?
Speaker 1:she lives in Missouri. What was?
Speaker 2:going on in Missouri, like that, it's just wild. And she was just visiting a friend for a few days and so she just came over to my house on Monday and was like let's talk, gospel Jonathan, leonardo sermons from PVC going through wave one. Like what is this guy talking about? I'm trying to figure it out, like watching the videos, like multiple times. Be like, I didn't get that, let me watch it again. And so she starts like drawing on these big papers and Fredo's living room, with me and my other friend who was there with us I had two other female friends there as well and I'm like, okay, jonathan drew that picture on the whiteboard. I remember that, okay. Okay, she told me about the prodigal son and the sanctuary and all that and all these different things. And I'm like, cool, it's consistent at least.
Speaker 2:And then, finally, she's just like I don't understand like where the mental block is. And I started to tell her a little bit about my story and the things that have happened to me and the things that I've done and just how I don't really feel loved by God. And she's like, well, why don't you ask God how he sees you? And I'm like, because he doesn't talk to me. She's like yes, he does, just ask him. And I'm like, okay, I will.
Speaker 2:She's like no, no, like right now, I'm like I don't like to pray in front of people. She's like it's fine and I'm like okay, so I sit there on the couch and I close my eyes and I'm like Lord, tell me how you see me. I'm just sitting there in silence. And afterwards she's like well, what did he say? Nothing. She's like come on, what did he say? I'm like jadra, nothing, he didn't say nothing. God doesn't talk to me, I don't hear god speaking like this is not a thing. And then she stops and she's like what did you see? I was like JJ, I didn't see anything. I just saw glass. And she's like amen, sister. And I'm like what on earth is going on right now? She's like you don't get it. You saw glass, don't? You know what that means? I'm like no, she's like he sees you like crystal clear glass, no stains.
Speaker 2:And my mind was like and I just started crying you really just saw a glass like a window pane yeah, that was it, and so I thought it was nothing and I start crying and it wasn't like a transformational, like I got it on the spot, but it was a seed to say I think the things that these people are saying are actually possible for you. Hmm.
Speaker 2:And so from there I was like okay, now I really got to dive in and I'm like I was going to every single Bible study every week, like internet church, like everything, like diving in the word, like my friends at Impact. I'm like did you go to Bible study yesterday? Yeah, okay, let's figure out what was that thing they were talking about in Romans, like what's going on here? And we're just trying to dive in and I was getting frustrated that I wasn't getting at the same speed as everybody else. I just felt like I was being really slow to understand and have the same feelings as everybody else. I was really stuck on the feelings, part of things I wanted to feel, this excitement, this fire, this joy.
Speaker 1:I remember you asking those questions in the Bible study.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So what'd you find out about wanting to feel it?
Speaker 2:Well, some people like to say feelings aren't Lord. I was so salty with that. I was like I just want to feel. Good guys, stop saying feelings aren't Lord. I know they're not Lord, jesus is Lord, forget it. But I want to feel something.
Speaker 2:But I wasn't really soaking in what that statement was, trying to take away one piece every time that I popped into a Bible study or something and I just realized like one day I'd be like okay, I'm a child of God and just accept that little piece. And the next piece, it's like I'm reading the Bible and it says, well, if you're a child of God, then you are what? Also an heir, and if an heir, then a co-heir with Christ. And I'm like, ooh, that's a lot. But okay, we'll click that little piece in and slowly, piece by piece, my puzzle started to get a little bigger and I was just like when am I going to get this?
Speaker 2:And I just remember one day turning around and being like you've had this for a few months now. You just didn't have an aha moment. You just had to allow God to woo you by surrendering your heart. And I was just doing it piece by piece instead of just diving all in and saying God, what you say is true. And so it took, step by step, to peel off a piece of what I used to believe and put on a new piece, and put on a new piece, and put on a new piece, until I realized it was like I was wearing completely different clothes. I was a completely different person. I realized that I wasn't thinking of myself as worthless anymore, because how could the king of the universe die for me while I was still a sinner and I'd be worthless while I was still a sinner and I'd be worthless.
Speaker 2:Hmm, and I started to. I started to smile more, I started to laugh more, I started to walk with confidence. I started to believe that I was saved. Hmm.
Speaker 2:And it was just this whole transformation of the way that I was thinking about everything and I noticed that some of the things that I used to want to fall into I had no interest in and I didn't have to do anything to get rid of it. I just believed that everything that I was learning was actually true for my life and if I'm worthy of being a child of God. Children of God, don't act like that.
Speaker 1:How long ago was that, would you say?
Speaker 2:I would say that's probably about maybe a little over a year now and you gave your testimony at impact that was a while ago, though.
Speaker 2:Yeah, that was a while ago though yeah, that was a while ago, so I think I had been. Yeah, it'd been several months since I realized that things had clicked. But I didn't realize how much they had clicked until someone asked me to give my testimony and I was like one, I don't have one, two, why would I do that? Why would I do that? And then I sat there and I had to go back and look at the whole journey that I had taken in order to take that testimony and put it on paper and put it into words. And I realized, while I was sitting there to do my testimony, that it was God just slowly writing the letter down to me on paper.
Speaker 2:And if I had actually taken the time to just keep a journal, I would have seen it all coming together piece by piece by piece, and it was just this love letter from God just saying I love you, you're my child, you're worth it. I freed you, you're no longer stuck. Sin doesn't have to be a normal part of your life. Like you, can walk with me.
Speaker 1:I've been bugging you to be on this podcast for probably as long as I've known you. Yeah. And you've been stiff arm and mean for that same amount of time. And when I asked you a couple months ago and you said, oh, I'll be open this time, and then we moved in, we moved it and we finally settled on the day, what were the lies that were building up trying to keep you from doing it this time?
Speaker 2:One that people hearing my testimony would only see me for old Brittany and not new Brittany, especially if they didn't know any of the information that I was sharing in my testimony about how I got here. And the second part was I just didn't feel like my story was enough to make a difference in anybody else's life. So what's the truth? Because it's like.
Speaker 1:That's what's the truth.
Speaker 2:The truth is that it's Jesus's story, and his story is always going to change people's lives.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Beside character.
Speaker 1:Have you ever heard someone's podcast or somebody's testimony, or, and you're like that was cool, but I don't, like it has no relevance towards me and and I'm talking about walking in freedom, I'm not talking before have you ever, like, had the thoughts to someone that you would were having towards yourself? No, no, but then we just lies. Had the thoughts to someone that you were having towards yourself. No, no, but the enemy just lies. So what's true about you for sure, now that you know for sure? No, god has revealed this to me.
Speaker 2:For me it's. I am not God's shame. I am the desire of his heart. I am absolutely unconditionally loved, and it doesn't matter if I'm perfect or not, but the good news is I can be exactly how he wants me to be because he's given me everything Like. One of my favorite verses now is we have every spiritual blessing. We've been given every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms. That's the pretty paraphrase of Ephesians 1, 3. But it's just knowing that I don't have to be who I used to be. Sin doesn't have to be a part of my life. I can be loved by God and even if I mess up, he still loves me. I will still get my life back on track, but he's going to love me through it and he's going to advocate for me. And there is absolutely no stain on my life that is too dark to keep me from him. And he doesn't remember the sins that I've confessed. He just remembers me.
Speaker 1:So let's say you're, you jumped in the time machine. You go back and you see this girl who believes that she's gone too far and she's not worthy to be loved because she never thought she would do the things that she did. And you see her walking down somewhere in Collegedale and you get to kind of grab her and put your arm around her and walk with her. What would you minister to her? What would you try to get her to understand?
Speaker 2:I would try to get her to realize that her definition of love and God's definition of love are two different things, that his love is outside of human experience, it is sacrificial love, it is unconditional, and that she is worth everything that he did for her and that if I could just give her anything, it's to realize that she's a daughter and she's been redeemed. She just has to claim it.
Speaker 1:Dang it, brittany, you don't even know. You don't even know. Uh, you're a testimony to me. Um, I obviously never knew any of this stuff was going on with you. I just see smiley britney, uh, who's trying not to come on the podcast. But I'm a bully, I'm a. I'm a different bully than the ones at triple a, um, but you're a blessing. We've seen your good works and we're glorifying our father in heaven. And, yeah, it's crazy that when we believe this stuff, you think about heaven rejoicing when someone's like, oh man, she believed Jesus, she believed that he did it, wow, and they just rejoice over that simple faith. And so, um, thank you so much for sharing with us your testimony to all of us that God is love.
Speaker 2:Thank you for having me, and I just really appreciate the role that you've played in bringing the gospel to so many people, including myself, and I didn't realize how transformational this would be until when I lost my dad, and my reaction to it was so different than I ever expected it to be, because of how grounded I've been able to be in Christ.
Speaker 1:Praise the Lord and while we miss your dad, you'll see him soon, right?
Speaker 2:Yeah, we will. I know.
Speaker 1:I'll be, there. Thank you, brittany thank you, richard.